1
00:00:02,803 --> 00:00:05,870
Jessica, our son is
valedictorian of Harvard.
2
00:00:05,872 --> 00:00:06,938
Crazy.
3
00:00:06,940 --> 00:00:08,272
Louis, pipe down.
4
00:00:08,274 --> 00:00:10,475
I gave you one rule for today, remember?
5
00:00:10,477 --> 00:00:12,077
Don't talk in a wicked Boston accent
6
00:00:12,079 --> 00:00:13,377
to order lobster chowder?
7
00:00:13,379 --> 00:00:14,746
Okay, fine. Two rules.
8
00:00:14,748 --> 00:00:17,281
And it's not crazy he's up there.
9
00:00:17,283 --> 00:00:19,550
He's always shown signs of greatness.
10
00:00:19,552 --> 00:00:22,153
Breakfast is served, suckas.
11
00:00:22,155 --> 00:00:25,556
Boom. A literal food pyramid
made from all 10 food groups.
12
00:00:25,558 --> 00:00:27,451
Frozen fish sticks form the base,
13
00:00:27,453 --> 00:00:29,254
so give her a sec to
thaw before diving in.
14
00:00:29,256 --> 00:00:31,389
- 10 food groups?
- Why is it moving?
15
00:00:31,391 --> 00:00:33,958
I still can't believe you
got a 1500 on your SAT.
16
00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:35,894
I still can't believe
you haven't told Mom yet.
17
00:00:35,896 --> 00:00:37,061
Boys, think.
18
00:00:37,063 --> 00:00:38,997
I'm a high-school junior
who doesn't listen well.
19
00:00:38,999 --> 00:00:40,498
- Fair.
- Cautiously following.
20
00:00:40,500 --> 00:00:41,766
I'll tell Mom my score
21
00:00:41,768 --> 00:00:43,835
when I really need a
get-out-of-jail-free card,
22
00:00:43,837 --> 00:00:45,736
like, for example, I'm in jail.
23
00:00:45,738 --> 00:00:47,391
- Yeah.
- Eddie, clean up the mess
24
00:00:47,393 --> 00:00:49,908
- you made in the kitchen.
- I got a 1500 on my SATs.
25
00:00:49,910 --> 00:00:51,142
- What?!
- Wow.
26
00:00:51,144 --> 00:00:54,378
Eddie, I can't believe it!
27
00:00:55,348 --> 00:00:56,805
I did it.
28
00:00:56,807 --> 00:00:59,483
- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -
29
00:01:13,270 --> 00:01:16,628
You really got a 1500 on the SAT?
30
00:01:16,630 --> 00:01:19,136
Yep. A 750 on the verbal and...
31
00:01:19,138 --> 00:01:20,670
whatever's left in math.
32
00:01:20,672 --> 00:01:22,405
Amazing. I'm so proud of you.
33
00:01:22,407 --> 00:01:23,407
Thank you.
34
00:01:23,409 --> 00:01:24,708
See, Louis?
35
00:01:24,710 --> 00:01:28,145
Me pushing Eddie all these
years is finally paying off.
36
00:01:28,147 --> 00:01:30,680
Top-tier colleges are back in play.
37
00:01:30,682 --> 00:01:31,748
The football teams get worse,
38
00:01:31,750 --> 00:01:33,483
but the starting salaries skyrocket.
39
00:01:33,485 --> 00:01:34,985
You did fill in the oval
40
00:01:34,987 --> 00:01:36,847
letting schools get
your test scores, right?
41
00:01:36,849 --> 00:01:40,238
I filled in every oval I saw...
you know, better my chances.
42
00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:42,091
1500, ladies and germs.
43
00:01:42,093 --> 00:01:43,777
1-5-0-0.
44
00:01:43,779 --> 00:01:45,494
Well, I better clean my pyramid mess.
45
00:01:45,496 --> 00:01:47,163
No, no, no. You stay.
46
00:01:47,165 --> 00:01:48,264
You deserve to rest.
47
00:01:49,687 --> 00:01:51,968
I'll do the dishes. What the heck.
48
00:01:51,970 --> 00:01:54,370
Maybe I'll even
reconnect the dishwasher.
49
00:01:59,277 --> 00:02:00,666
Was that a hug?
50
00:02:00,668 --> 00:02:02,745
I've never seen your mother this happy.
51
00:02:02,747 --> 00:02:04,180
That includes our wedding day,
52
00:02:04,182 --> 00:02:05,848
but definitely not our wedding night.
53
00:02:05,850 --> 00:02:07,206
We went for it.
54
00:02:07,208 --> 00:02:08,284
Gross.
55
00:02:08,286 --> 00:02:09,718
I don't trust this.
56
00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:11,787
It's like when a stranger offers
you candy to get in their van.
57
00:02:11,789 --> 00:02:13,923
I mean, you take it... free candy...
58
00:02:13,925 --> 00:02:15,291
but it never ends well.
59
00:02:15,293 --> 00:02:16,557
Please tell me you've never gotten in
60
00:02:16,559 --> 00:02:17,958
a stranger's van before.
61
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:21,046
Eddie, your mom doesn't get
to experience pure joy often.
62
00:02:21,048 --> 00:02:22,898
She refuses to watch "Police Academy",
63
00:02:22,900 --> 00:02:25,733
doesn't "get dogs",
calls Weird Al a hack.
64
00:02:25,735 --> 00:02:26,801
Let her have this.
65
00:02:26,803 --> 00:02:28,870
Eddie, forget the kitchen.
66
00:02:28,872 --> 00:02:30,405
We're going out to celebrate!
67
00:02:30,407 --> 00:02:33,012
Cele-what? Girl, I got school.
68
00:02:33,014 --> 00:02:35,304
Not today. School can wait.
69
00:02:38,148 --> 00:02:40,882
Dibs on the first dishwasher load.
70
00:03:15,718 --> 00:03:17,618
Man, I look like "Boyz
n the Hood" Ice Cube,
71
00:03:17,620 --> 00:03:18,820
Asian-boy edition.
72
00:03:18,822 --> 00:03:20,120
Dope.
73
00:03:20,122 --> 00:03:21,789
Mother and oval-filling son.
74
00:03:21,791 --> 00:03:22,890
This stays here.
75
00:03:22,892 --> 00:03:24,412
I don't want your Ivy League roommates
76
00:03:24,414 --> 00:03:26,693
drooling over your
mother's flawless skin.
77
00:03:26,695 --> 00:03:28,362
I don't know about the Ivy League.
78
00:03:28,364 --> 00:03:31,665
I do! That 1500 changed the game.
79
00:03:31,667 --> 00:03:33,267
We need to update your life-chart.
80
00:03:35,171 --> 00:03:36,903
Evan has dibs on president,
81
00:03:36,905 --> 00:03:38,072
but we can Kennedy this thing,
82
00:03:38,074 --> 00:03:39,473
and you could be his attorney general.
83
00:03:39,475 --> 00:03:42,576
Emery can be the drunk
with the square head.
84
00:03:45,814 --> 00:03:47,982
Oh, no.
85
00:03:47,984 --> 00:03:50,884
Mom wrote "A Case of a Knife to
The Brain 2: The Second Knife"?
86
00:03:50,886 --> 00:03:52,552
I'm penning my memoir.
87
00:03:52,554 --> 00:03:54,321
I want to get my life story down
88
00:03:54,323 --> 00:03:56,556
before things get
intense in high school.
89
00:03:56,558 --> 00:03:58,903
It'll be way less intense
if you keep that to yourself.
90
00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:00,535
I can't be America's
first Doctor-President
91
00:04:00,537 --> 00:04:01,894
without publishing a memoir.
92
00:04:01,896 --> 00:04:03,262
I even mocked up a cover.
93
00:04:05,066 --> 00:04:06,856
I'll update the photo
when I'm old enough to run,
94
00:04:06,858 --> 00:04:08,301
maybe grow some stubble
for the ladies...
95
00:04:08,303 --> 00:04:09,369
crucial demo.
96
00:04:09,371 --> 00:04:10,693
Cool.
97
00:04:10,695 --> 00:04:12,138
I've outlined my next chapter...
98
00:04:12,140 --> 00:04:14,307
"Evan Huang, HOA Vice President".
99
00:04:21,282 --> 00:04:23,216
How do you think this guy went out?
100
00:04:23,218 --> 00:04:24,617
Big-game hunter,
101
00:04:24,619 --> 00:04:26,785
or stepped in front of
the wrong logging truck?
102
00:04:26,787 --> 00:04:29,088
Pushing that much
girth around the woods?
103
00:04:29,090 --> 00:04:30,289
Heart disease all day.
104
00:04:30,291 --> 00:04:31,590
Hey!
105
00:04:31,592 --> 00:04:33,559
Mom lifted her bumper-sticker ban.
106
00:04:33,561 --> 00:04:35,789
She wants you to put this on
the Cattleman's delivery car.
107
00:04:35,791 --> 00:04:36,862
Great.
108
00:04:36,864 --> 00:04:38,964
That's what you want on
your bumper during rush hour.
109
00:04:38,966 --> 00:04:40,132
Very rear-end-able.
110
00:04:41,536 --> 00:04:43,002
You have a minute to talk?
111
00:04:43,004 --> 00:04:44,269
Boss Talk or Dad Talk?
112
00:04:44,271 --> 00:04:45,369
Dad Talk.
113
00:04:45,371 --> 00:04:46,603
Okay.
114
00:04:48,009 --> 00:04:49,429
It's me, Dad. What's up?
115
00:04:49,431 --> 00:04:51,109
So, I've been thinking
a lot about college
116
00:04:51,111 --> 00:04:52,377
ever since our UCLA trip.
117
00:04:52,379 --> 00:04:54,479
- Great trip.
- Great trip,
118
00:04:54,481 --> 00:04:56,348
but I don't think I
want a regular school.
119
00:04:58,318 --> 00:04:59,852
I want to go to culinary school.
120
00:04:59,854 --> 00:05:01,319
Culinary school?
121
00:05:01,321 --> 00:05:03,889
- Like for cooking.
- I know what it means... sorta.
122
00:05:03,891 --> 00:05:05,658
This is big, Eddie.
123
00:05:05,660 --> 00:05:07,225
I know you're working at
the restaurant with me,
124
00:05:07,227 --> 00:05:09,461
but I didn't realize you were
that passionate about this.
125
00:05:09,463 --> 00:05:11,663
I didn't either, until it dawned on me
126
00:05:11,665 --> 00:05:13,898
the thing I always get
excited about is food...
127
00:05:27,381 --> 00:05:29,747
... creating it, cooking it, eating it.
128
00:05:29,749 --> 00:05:30,882
I love food, Dad!
129
00:05:30,884 --> 00:05:33,017
I love food, too, son.
130
00:05:33,019 --> 00:05:34,919
I love food, too.
131
00:05:34,921 --> 00:05:36,688
You're following in my footsteps.
132
00:05:36,690 --> 00:05:38,690
Uh, my restaurant footsteps,
133
00:05:38,692 --> 00:05:40,625
not my Cha Cha King of Taipei footsteps.
134
00:05:40,627 --> 00:05:41,892
Ain't nobody following those.
135
00:05:41,894 --> 00:05:43,927
Well, I'm glad you're
open to culinary school.
136
00:05:43,929 --> 00:05:45,028
Ma won't be.
137
00:05:45,030 --> 00:05:46,121
Yeah.
138
00:05:46,123 --> 00:05:47,731
No way she had this on my life-chart.
139
00:05:47,733 --> 00:05:50,867
Hey, why don't you make her a meal,
140
00:05:50,869 --> 00:05:52,169
show her your stuff,
141
00:05:52,171 --> 00:05:54,671
and then we can talk about
culinary school together?
142
00:05:54,673 --> 00:05:56,039
Yeah, that'd be sick!
143
00:06:01,747 --> 00:06:03,780
"Evan Huang for HOA Vice President:
144
00:06:03,782 --> 00:06:05,583
One Deidre Heartbeat Away".
145
00:06:05,585 --> 00:06:07,618
You said you worked as a mall elf
146
00:06:07,620 --> 00:06:09,620
to "help my needy brothers"?
147
00:06:09,622 --> 00:06:11,511
I worked as a mall elf to help you!
148
00:06:11,513 --> 00:06:13,056
Uh, time out.
149
00:06:13,058 --> 00:06:14,325
You read my memoir?
150
00:06:14,327 --> 00:06:16,692
Please tell me you wore the
document gloves sitting next to it.
151
00:06:16,694 --> 00:06:18,928
You stole my story. You lied!
152
00:06:19,771 --> 00:06:22,031
I'm just giving readers
what they want... a hero.
153
00:06:22,033 --> 00:06:23,556
Who cares about the details?
154
00:06:23,558 --> 00:06:24,634
I do.
155
00:06:24,636 --> 00:06:26,302
You can't be president if you lie.
156
00:06:26,304 --> 00:06:27,537
It's un-American.
157
00:06:27,539 --> 00:06:29,972
Calling the first Asian
President un-American?
158
00:06:29,974 --> 00:06:32,108
Pretty racist.
159
00:06:36,948 --> 00:06:38,648
This is amazing.
160
00:06:38,650 --> 00:06:41,050
Your mom will have to
consider culinary school.
161
00:06:41,052 --> 00:06:42,685
Each dish is inspired by her...
162
00:06:42,687 --> 00:06:45,155
Anti-Hobo Stew, Chicken
a la Stephen King,
163
00:06:45,157 --> 00:06:46,922
Aw Hell Gnocchi.
164
00:06:46,924 --> 00:06:48,991
I was out at the mailbox,
165
00:06:48,993 --> 00:06:50,624
and I saw Deidre in the window.
166
00:06:50,626 --> 00:06:53,493
Dummy took 20 minutes
to notice my sweatshirt.
167
00:06:55,799 --> 00:06:57,899
- What's all this?
- Oh, I made dinner for you.
168
00:06:57,901 --> 00:06:59,301
Why?
169
00:06:59,303 --> 00:07:01,436
Oh, you put a baby in
that redhead, didn't you?
170
00:07:01,438 --> 00:07:02,771
- Jessica!
- Whoa!
171
00:07:02,773 --> 00:07:03,805
No.
172
00:07:03,807 --> 00:07:06,051
I just wanted to say thank you
for everything you've done for me.
173
00:07:06,053 --> 00:07:07,543
Aww!
174
00:07:07,545 --> 00:07:09,911
You got a 1500 and you cook.
175
00:07:09,913 --> 00:07:13,114
You are going to make some
woman I choose a great husband.
176
00:07:13,116 --> 00:07:15,317
So, Mom, I was hoping we could talk.
177
00:07:15,319 --> 00:07:16,451
Sure.
178
00:07:16,453 --> 00:07:18,076
What did you want to...
179
00:07:18,078 --> 00:07:19,367
Eddie got a letter from Harvard.
180
00:07:19,369 --> 00:07:20,822
I'll open it so you don't
cut your test fingers.
181
00:07:20,824 --> 00:07:22,757
Okay with you? Great!
182
00:07:22,759 --> 00:07:24,092
Aah!
183
00:07:24,094 --> 00:07:26,534
"Dear Edwyn Huang,
184
00:07:26,536 --> 00:07:28,389
we received your SAT scores
185
00:07:28,391 --> 00:07:30,298
and want to schedule an interview
186
00:07:30,300 --> 00:07:31,932
with one of our alumni"?
187
00:07:37,296 --> 00:07:38,563
Ah!
188
00:07:38,565 --> 00:07:42,055
Harvard wants to send
an alum here to my house
189
00:07:42,057 --> 00:07:44,422
to interview Eddie, my son.
190
00:07:44,424 --> 00:07:46,492
No chance they send Bill Gates, right?
191
00:07:46,494 --> 00:07:48,626
Because I still can't get
the printer to do landscape.
192
00:07:48,628 --> 00:07:51,190
I got to get moving. I got
to call Connie to gloat.
193
00:07:51,192 --> 00:07:53,537
I got to redecorate the
house to Ivy League standards,
194
00:07:53,539 --> 00:07:55,035
polish the fine china.
195
00:07:55,037 --> 00:07:57,570
Fun fact... that's my bowling nickname.
196
00:07:59,101 --> 00:08:01,057
Dad, I want to go to culinary school.
197
00:08:01,059 --> 00:08:02,315
Do I really have to do this interview?
198
00:08:02,317 --> 00:08:03,606
It'd just be a waste of time.
199
00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:04,663
Not for your mom.
200
00:08:04,665 --> 00:08:06,621
Ho, ho, ho!
201
00:08:06,623 --> 00:08:08,145
Not a "yo mama" joke. Sorry.
202
00:08:08,147 --> 00:08:09,237
Eddie, she's worked hard
203
00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:11,322
your whole life to give
you this opportunity.
204
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:14,352
Just let her have this, and then
we can talk to her about culinary.
205
00:08:14,354 --> 00:08:16,977
Fine. I'll do it... for her.
206
00:08:16,979 --> 00:08:19,209
Good. And if, for whatever reason,
207
00:08:19,211 --> 00:08:20,633
cooking school doesn't pan out...
208
00:08:20,635 --> 00:08:21,691
Pan out. Nice.
209
00:08:21,693 --> 00:08:23,416
... Harvard is not the worst backup.
210
00:08:23,418 --> 00:08:24,772
Speak for yourself.
211
00:08:24,774 --> 00:08:26,840
I ain't built for those
Pennsylvania winters.
212
00:08:26,842 --> 00:08:29,544
No, Harvard is... Yeah.
213
00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:33,563
- Aah!
- Ahh.
214
00:08:33,565 --> 00:08:34,631
Pay up, Barbie.
215
00:08:36,084 --> 00:08:37,750
Hey, why are you so
quiet there, Emory, huh?
216
00:08:37,752 --> 00:08:39,619
Those freshman girls got your tongue?
217
00:08:39,621 --> 00:08:40,820
Evan's writing a memoir,
218
00:08:40,822 --> 00:08:42,745
and he's stealing
stories, making things up.
219
00:08:42,747 --> 00:08:44,289
Well, he's just spinning yarns
220
00:08:44,291 --> 00:08:46,259
like we used to do in
the Navy... harmless.
221
00:08:46,261 --> 00:08:48,094
Not like those dirty Marines.
222
00:08:48,096 --> 00:08:49,162
They're actual liars.
223
00:08:49,164 --> 00:08:50,897
N... O-kay. You can g...
224
00:08:50,899 --> 00:08:52,599
Emery, your brother's in eighth grade.
225
00:08:52,601 --> 00:08:53,866
That's a tough time.
226
00:08:53,868 --> 00:08:57,091
- He's probably just tooting his own horn.
- Yeah.
227
00:08:57,093 --> 00:08:58,505
Maybe I am overreacting.
228
00:08:58,507 --> 00:08:59,739
I'm glad you guys think it's okay
229
00:08:59,741 --> 00:09:00,873
since you're all in his memoir, too.
230
00:09:00,875 --> 00:09:01,962
- We are?
- Yeah?
231
00:09:01,964 --> 00:09:04,301
Yeah. You should see how
he described Liza's birth.
232
00:09:05,947 --> 00:09:07,813
Oh, Marvin! Where are the keys?
233
00:09:07,815 --> 00:09:09,981
- This baby is coming!
- I can't find 'em!
234
00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:12,818
Oh, this is all too much,
even for a Navy man.
235
00:09:12,820 --> 00:09:14,886
Oh, no.
236
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:17,923
Ohh. I'm fainting.
237
00:09:17,925 --> 00:09:21,460
Oh, who could blame you?
238
00:09:21,462 --> 00:09:24,553
There's not a man alive who can
handle this kind of pressure.
239
00:09:25,799 --> 00:09:27,866
I will deliver the baby.
240
00:09:30,438 --> 00:09:32,471
Honey, give me two deep breaths.
241
00:09:32,473 --> 00:09:35,407
1, 2...
242
00:09:36,977 --> 00:09:39,010
There she is.
243
00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:41,747
We'll call her Liza.
244
00:09:44,474 --> 00:09:46,264
I had a 17-hour labor
245
00:09:46,266 --> 00:09:48,686
with a rare diagonal
breach, no epidural,
246
00:09:48,688 --> 00:09:50,588
and that nerd is trying
to take it away from me?
247
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,323
I warned Evan, but he didn't listen.
248
00:09:52,325 --> 00:09:53,458
He's stubborn.
249
00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:56,027
That's why he'll be a good politician.
250
00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:58,056
He only cares about the votes.
251
00:09:58,058 --> 00:09:59,865
And Navy men don't faint!
252
00:09:59,867 --> 00:10:02,400
They pass out and hit the ground hard
253
00:10:02,402 --> 00:10:05,536
with their pants off and
their shoes on, like men.
254
00:10:09,076 --> 00:10:11,910
Why does our house
look like a Vermont B&B
255
00:10:11,912 --> 00:10:13,477
inside a whaling ship?
256
00:10:13,479 --> 00:10:15,946
I want Harvard to feel at
home for Eddie's interview.
257
00:10:15,948 --> 00:10:18,115
- The theme is "New England Snoot".
- Smart.
258
00:10:18,117 --> 00:10:19,416
Ma,
259
00:10:19,418 --> 00:10:20,918
do I really have to wear all this?
260
00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:22,052
I mean, look at me.
261
00:10:22,054 --> 00:10:24,457
- I want to kick my ass.
- Eddie, you look great...
262
00:10:24,459 --> 00:10:27,291
like a hip 1970s IBM executive.
263
00:10:28,427 --> 00:10:30,427
Places. Places, everyone.
264
00:10:32,331 --> 00:10:34,221
Afta-noon!
265
00:10:34,223 --> 00:10:36,934
Hello. That wasn't creepy at all.
266
00:10:36,936 --> 00:10:38,235
Andy Richter?
267
00:10:38,237 --> 00:10:40,004
You know this intelligent man?
268
00:10:40,006 --> 00:10:42,173
Oh, he's the co-host of "Late
Night with Conan O'Brien".
269
00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:44,461
- The talk show?
- I understand zero of those words.
270
00:10:44,463 --> 00:10:45,876
Yeah, it's a great job.
271
00:10:45,878 --> 00:10:48,445
I sit on the couch and
laugh at Conan's jokes.
272
00:10:48,447 --> 00:10:51,181
- Hey, me too.
- Alright, look, it's not that easy, okay?
273
00:10:51,183 --> 00:10:53,513
I mean, there's... lights and stuff.
274
00:10:53,515 --> 00:10:54,904
So, Andy, you're a Harvard alum?
275
00:10:54,906 --> 00:10:57,354
Oh, God, no. My name is Andy. Come on.
276
00:10:57,356 --> 00:10:58,853
No, but Conan is,
277
00:10:58,855 --> 00:11:00,824
and sometimes he does
interviews for them,
278
00:11:00,826 --> 00:11:03,659
and then he asks me to
do the interviews for him.
279
00:11:03,661 --> 00:11:05,049
Mm. I like this Conan.
280
00:11:05,051 --> 00:11:06,774
Eh, everybody does. He's Conan.
281
00:11:06,776 --> 00:11:09,999
He's tall, he's handsome,
he signs my checks.
282
00:11:10,001 --> 00:11:12,035
So, uh, can I get you anything?
283
00:11:12,037 --> 00:11:13,370
Tea? Something to eat?
284
00:11:13,372 --> 00:11:15,572
My "Simpsons" spec
script to give to Conan?
285
00:11:15,574 --> 00:11:18,241
- Uh, no, it's alright. I'll just talk to Eddie.
- Okay.
286
00:11:18,243 --> 00:11:20,076
And you know what? I will
have something to eat.
287
00:11:20,078 --> 00:11:22,312
And drink.
288
00:11:22,314 --> 00:11:24,848
Evan, thank you for
the block-party update.
289
00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:26,182
My pleasure.
290
00:11:26,184 --> 00:11:28,787
Gonna be a scorcher out
there, so sunscreen up, girls.
291
00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:30,430
Up next are elections
292
00:11:30,432 --> 00:11:31,821
for HOA Vice President.
293
00:11:31,823 --> 00:11:33,659
Any nominations?
294
00:11:33,661 --> 00:11:36,425
Uh, I nominate Emery Huang.
295
00:11:37,829 --> 00:11:39,886
I accept.
296
00:11:39,888 --> 00:11:41,965
For those who don't know
me, I'm a spelling-bee champ,
297
00:11:41,967 --> 00:11:45,434
writing a memoir, and
love a tucked-in polo!
298
00:11:45,436 --> 00:11:46,970
Those are my credentials.
299
00:11:46,972 --> 00:11:48,404
Just giving people what they want.
300
00:11:48,406 --> 00:11:49,772
It takes a lot of marbles
301
00:11:49,774 --> 00:11:52,208
to sideswipe the guy
holding a wooden hammer.
302
00:11:52,210 --> 00:11:53,276
Ooh!
303
00:11:53,278 --> 00:11:55,978
Whoa, Eddie. You really nailed the SATs.
304
00:11:55,980 --> 00:11:57,179
What was that like?
305
00:11:57,181 --> 00:11:59,214
Tough. I filled in so many ovals,
306
00:11:59,216 --> 00:12:01,816
I didn't have the strength
to zip up my pants for a week.
307
00:12:01,818 --> 00:12:03,752
Well, zippers are complicated.
308
00:12:03,754 --> 00:12:06,021
I think the Amish are ahead
of the curve on that one.
309
00:12:06,023 --> 00:12:07,365
Oh, don't mind me.
310
00:12:07,367 --> 00:12:09,724
Just taking Eddie's
cello to the conservatory.
311
00:12:11,028 --> 00:12:13,795
Ooh! Cello... the man's violin.
312
00:12:13,797 --> 00:12:16,522
Well, actually, I'm more of a beatboxer.
313
00:12:16,524 --> 00:12:18,666
No kidding! Let 'Er rip.
314
00:12:21,838 --> 00:12:23,939
♪ Ah-booty, booty, booty jam ♪
315
00:12:23,941 --> 00:12:25,673
No, no, over here, ignore that now!
316
00:12:25,675 --> 00:12:26,774
Eddie's telescope.
317
00:12:26,776 --> 00:12:28,911
Houston, we have a genius.
318
00:12:28,913 --> 00:12:32,179
Gosh, maybe it would be easier
if I just interviewed you.
319
00:12:32,181 --> 00:12:34,266
Great idea.
320
00:12:34,268 --> 00:12:36,350
Well, uh, Eddie, do
you have any questions
321
00:12:36,352 --> 00:12:38,286
for me, for Conan, for Harvard?
322
00:12:38,288 --> 00:12:39,620
Yes.
323
00:12:39,622 --> 00:12:41,022
How hard will they make him work?
324
00:12:41,024 --> 00:12:42,423
Eddie loves hard work.
325
00:12:42,425 --> 00:12:43,815
- Huh?
- Huh.
326
00:12:43,817 --> 00:12:45,489
Well, he didn't at first.
327
00:12:45,491 --> 00:12:47,828
I've always had to push him to succeed.
328
00:12:50,300 --> 00:12:51,865
Eddie, focus!
329
00:12:51,867 --> 00:12:53,801
Aah! Where's my bed?!
330
00:12:53,803 --> 00:12:55,102
Beds are for people who work hard.
331
00:12:55,104 --> 00:12:57,837
Recommit yourself to
school and hard work,
332
00:12:57,839 --> 00:12:59,206
you get your bed back.
333
00:12:59,208 --> 00:13:01,375
- Mom?
- For the next three months
334
00:13:01,377 --> 00:13:02,810
while I'm busy studying for grad school,
335
00:13:02,812 --> 00:13:05,813
you will be by my side PSAT prepping.
336
00:13:05,815 --> 00:13:07,147
Study buddies.
337
00:13:07,149 --> 00:13:09,416
Wow. You've really done a lot for Eddie.
338
00:13:09,418 --> 00:13:11,884
I drive my boys to be the best.
339
00:13:11,886 --> 00:13:13,553
Jessica don't raise mediocre.
340
00:13:13,555 --> 00:13:15,688
That's actually very helpful to hear.
341
00:13:15,690 --> 00:13:17,201
Yes, that's why I said it.
342
00:13:17,203 --> 00:13:19,960
Alright, well, uh,
I've got to get going.
343
00:13:19,962 --> 00:13:24,331
"Conan" has another
interview in Daytona Beach.
344
00:13:24,333 --> 00:13:25,865
Uh, hey, Andy.
345
00:13:25,867 --> 00:13:27,934
Uh, complimentary basket of oranges.
346
00:13:27,936 --> 00:13:30,036
My "Simpsons" spec
script is on the bottom.
347
00:13:30,038 --> 00:13:32,189
Homer takes Lisa square
dancing and then loses her.
348
00:13:32,191 --> 00:13:34,074
It's called "Do-Si-D'oh!"
349
00:13:34,076 --> 00:13:35,232
Yeah, perfect.
350
00:13:35,234 --> 00:13:37,910
They're always hungry for
ideas from the random public.
351
00:13:37,912 --> 00:13:40,583
Really? That's great.
352
00:13:40,585 --> 00:13:42,941
Mm.
353
00:13:42,943 --> 00:13:45,618
So, what did you think of Eddie?
What will you tell the school?
354
00:13:45,620 --> 00:13:48,151
Should I preorder my
license plate for him now?
355
00:13:48,153 --> 00:13:51,510
Okay, look, I've done
a lot of these things,
356
00:13:51,512 --> 00:13:54,393
and Harvard is not gonna be a fit.
357
00:13:54,395 --> 00:13:55,895
What?
358
00:13:55,897 --> 00:13:58,392
Oh, it was his mouth-rapping, wasn't it?
359
00:13:58,394 --> 00:13:59,999
Oh, no, no, that was excellent...
360
00:14:00,001 --> 00:14:02,067
I mean, Michael Winslow-nian.
361
00:14:02,069 --> 00:14:06,372
No, i-it's not so much
Eddie as it is you.
362
00:14:06,374 --> 00:14:07,773
Me?
363
00:14:07,775 --> 00:14:10,943
Yeah, you're a bit of a helicopter mom,
364
00:14:10,945 --> 00:14:15,447
and Harvard's found that,
when a parent is so... invested
365
00:14:15,449 --> 00:14:17,434
that the kid tends to fizzle out
366
00:14:17,436 --> 00:14:18,840
once they're finally on their own.
367
00:14:18,842 --> 00:14:21,452
Eh, helicopter mom, that's not me.
368
00:14:21,454 --> 00:14:23,021
Hey, who put this in my room?
369
00:14:25,959 --> 00:14:28,493
Well, thanks for the oranges.
370
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:36,401
Eddie can't go to Harvard because of me.
371
00:14:37,466 --> 00:14:40,050
- Jessica.
- I pushed you your whole life
372
00:14:40,052 --> 00:14:42,790
for a school like Harvard,
but I pushed too hard.
373
00:14:42,792 --> 00:14:44,164
- I failed you.
- What?
374
00:14:44,166 --> 00:14:45,812
No, I wasn't that big
on Harvard anyways.
375
00:14:45,814 --> 00:14:47,681
I mean, their mascot's a friggin' color.
376
00:14:47,683 --> 00:14:49,415
Well, I guess there
are other top schools.
377
00:14:49,417 --> 00:14:51,857
Why, it is the Ivy League after all.
378
00:14:51,859 --> 00:14:53,291
Or there are other options.
379
00:14:53,293 --> 00:14:55,020
Okay, new plan!
380
00:14:55,022 --> 00:14:56,828
We go to the schools to interview.
381
00:14:56,830 --> 00:14:58,063
We ambush them.
382
00:14:58,065 --> 00:14:59,564
I'll find the admissions director,
383
00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:01,566
tell him that if he
doesn't accept Eddie,
384
00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:02,767
it's time for some smacks...
385
00:15:02,769 --> 00:15:05,470
hitting smacks, not kissing smacks.
386
00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:07,338
Ma, you don't have to do that.
387
00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:09,821
Of course I do. I ruined Harvard!
388
00:15:09,823 --> 00:15:12,642
You didn't ruin it, because I
didn't want to go to college.
389
00:15:12,644 --> 00:15:14,611
I want to go to culinary school.
390
00:15:19,451 --> 00:15:22,319
Then I guess I really
did fail you as a mother.
391
00:15:27,193 --> 00:15:29,126
Okay. I'll tally the votes.
392
00:15:29,128 --> 00:15:32,096
Hey, dingbat. What the "H" was that?
393
00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:33,630
You took credit for my success,
394
00:15:33,632 --> 00:15:35,532
plucked my feathers for your cap.
395
00:15:35,534 --> 00:15:36,967
I was just proving a point.
396
00:15:36,969 --> 00:15:38,269
Well, this isn't a joke, kid.
397
00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:41,005
- This is the doggone HOA Vice Presidency!
- Mm.
398
00:15:41,007 --> 00:15:43,573
Doesn't feel so good when someone
steals your story, does it?
399
00:15:43,575 --> 00:15:46,175
The dark underbelly of plagiarism.
400
00:15:48,113 --> 00:15:50,668
Evan, you saw how everyone reacted
401
00:15:50,670 --> 00:15:51,948
when I shared your story.
402
00:15:51,950 --> 00:15:53,316
It's powerful enough on its own.
403
00:15:53,318 --> 00:15:54,514
When you get to high school,
404
00:15:54,516 --> 00:15:57,053
the operating room, the oval office...
405
00:15:57,055 --> 00:15:59,823
you don't need to be anything
other than who you are.
406
00:15:59,825 --> 00:16:01,090
I love that guy.
407
00:16:02,257 --> 00:16:03,379
Alright, y'all.
408
00:16:03,381 --> 00:16:05,495
Congrats to the new Vice President,
409
00:16:05,497 --> 00:16:07,431
Emery Huang!
410
00:16:07,433 --> 00:16:09,433
This... This is why
411
00:16:09,435 --> 00:16:11,601
we need to do away
with the popular vote.
412
00:16:20,179 --> 00:16:22,402
Here's the thing, kids,
but I've taken this sucker
413
00:16:22,404 --> 00:16:25,595
to 150 miles an hour
on a residential street.
414
00:16:25,597 --> 00:16:27,583
Taking the ranch on the road.
415
00:16:27,585 --> 00:16:29,885
Brings me back to my Dolly days...
416
00:16:29,887 --> 00:16:32,050
minus the groupies and the wigs.
417
00:16:32,052 --> 00:16:33,473
Oh, you worked at Dollywood?
418
00:16:33,475 --> 00:16:35,091
I wasn't sure, because
you haven't mentioned it
419
00:16:35,093 --> 00:16:36,692
since yesterday.
420
00:16:37,752 --> 00:16:39,959
Yo, Pops. Ma's not doing so well.
421
00:16:39,961 --> 00:16:42,550
Oh, yowza. Mac and cheese?
422
00:16:42,552 --> 00:16:44,067
And we're out of LACTAID.
423
00:16:44,069 --> 00:16:45,400
This is my fault.
424
00:16:45,402 --> 00:16:47,102
I shouldn't have pushed
you to do that interview.
425
00:16:47,104 --> 00:16:48,203
No, it's my bad.
426
00:16:48,205 --> 00:16:50,305
I knew she'd hate culinary school,
427
00:16:50,307 --> 00:16:53,741
but I thought she'd be mad, not sad.
428
00:16:53,743 --> 00:16:54,809
I broke Mom.
429
00:16:54,811 --> 00:16:57,112
Okay, everybody.
430
00:16:57,114 --> 00:16:59,747
Let's keep that energy
going for Jessica Huang,
431
00:16:59,749 --> 00:17:01,083
who's singing next.
432
00:17:04,921 --> 00:17:07,789
♪ Listen as your day unfolds ♪
433
00:17:07,791 --> 00:17:10,359
♪ Challenge what the future holds ♪
434
00:17:10,361 --> 00:17:14,463
♪ Try and keep your head up to the sky ♪
435
00:17:14,465 --> 00:17:15,964
- Oof. I heard Harvard's out.
- ♪ Lovers, they may cause you tears ♪
436
00:17:15,966 --> 00:17:18,233
Yeah, well, Andy Richter
called her a bad mom.
437
00:17:18,235 --> 00:17:20,301
♪ Go ahead, release your fears ♪
438
00:17:20,303 --> 00:17:21,985
- Aw, hell no.
- ♪ Show up and be counted ♪
439
00:17:21,987 --> 00:17:25,172
♪ Don't be ashamed to cry ♪
440
00:17:25,174 --> 00:17:27,802
♪ Herald what your mother said ♪
441
00:17:27,804 --> 00:17:30,127
♪ Read the books your father read ♪
442
00:17:30,129 --> 00:17:35,756
♪ Try to solve your puzzles
in your own sweet time ♪
443
00:17:35,758 --> 00:17:38,293
♪ You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold ♪
444
00:17:38,295 --> 00:17:40,822
♪ You gotta be wiser ♪
445
00:17:40,824 --> 00:17:43,024
♪ You gotta be hard,
you gotta be tough ♪
446
00:17:43,026 --> 00:17:45,793
♪ You gotta be stronger ♪
447
00:17:45,795 --> 00:17:48,362
♪ You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm ♪
448
00:17:48,364 --> 00:17:50,364
♪ You gotta stay together ♪
449
00:17:50,366 --> 00:17:55,403
♪ All I know, all I know,
love will save the day ♪
450
00:17:55,405 --> 00:17:57,371
♪ Time asks no questions ♪
451
00:17:57,373 --> 00:18:00,307
♪ It goes on without you ♪
452
00:18:00,309 --> 00:18:01,808
♪ Leaving you behind ♪
453
00:18:01,810 --> 00:18:05,279
If you try to suspend
our son because of this,
454
00:18:05,281 --> 00:18:07,681
we will sue everyone in this school.
455
00:18:07,683 --> 00:18:10,151
♪ You can't stop it if you try to ♪
456
00:18:10,153 --> 00:18:11,852
♪ The best part is danger... ♪
457
00:18:11,854 --> 00:18:13,421
If Oscar Chow hadn't dumped me,
458
00:18:13,423 --> 00:18:15,122
I never would have met your father.
459
00:18:15,124 --> 00:18:16,290
I wouldn't be here.
460
00:18:16,292 --> 00:18:17,891
And that would be tragic.
461
00:18:17,893 --> 00:18:20,827
♪ You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold ♪
462
00:18:20,829 --> 00:18:22,829
♪ You gotta be wiser ♪
463
00:18:22,831 --> 00:18:25,965
♪ You gotta be hard,
you gotta be tough ♪
464
00:18:25,967 --> 00:18:28,134
♪ You gotta be stronger ♪
465
00:18:28,136 --> 00:18:31,837
♪ All I know, all I know,
love will save the day ♪
466
00:18:38,180 --> 00:18:40,513
Okay, I hope you're not
wearing synthetic fibers,
467
00:18:40,515 --> 00:18:42,882
'cause they're about to
set the dance floor on fire.
468
00:18:42,884 --> 00:18:44,517
It's Honey and Marvin.
469
00:18:46,020 --> 00:18:49,055
♪ You see a faded sign
by the side of the road ♪
470
00:18:49,057 --> 00:18:51,458
♪ That says 15 miles to the ♪
471
00:18:51,460 --> 00:18:54,493
♪ Love shack! ♪
472
00:18:54,495 --> 00:18:57,663
- Eddie, you didn't need to do that.
- Yes, I did.
473
00:18:57,665 --> 00:19:00,099
Think about all the times
you've swooped in to save me.
474
00:19:00,101 --> 00:19:01,734
You've always been there for me.
475
00:19:01,736 --> 00:19:03,002
You're the best mom ever.
476
00:19:03,004 --> 00:19:04,770
I'm not terrible?
477
00:19:04,772 --> 00:19:06,939
Sure, you pushed me... a lot.
478
00:19:06,941 --> 00:19:08,841
Like, I'm probably gonna
have to go talk it through
479
00:19:08,843 --> 00:19:10,476
with a professional at some point,
480
00:19:10,478 --> 00:19:11,593
but I'm glad you did,
481
00:19:11,595 --> 00:19:13,385
because it taught me to
fight for what I want.
482
00:19:13,387 --> 00:19:14,914
Dirty if you have to.
483
00:19:16,517 --> 00:19:17,917
I know it's not what you planned,
484
00:19:17,919 --> 00:19:20,620
but I want to go to culinary school.
485
00:19:20,622 --> 00:19:25,424
And I just want what's best for you.
486
00:19:25,426 --> 00:19:26,692
That's all I ever wanted.
487
00:19:26,694 --> 00:19:28,694
I know, but I'm not gonna quit.
488
00:19:28,696 --> 00:19:32,230
I'm never gonna quit, because
I'm Jessica Huang's kid.
489
00:19:36,937 --> 00:19:38,103
You're what?
490
00:19:38,105 --> 00:19:40,238
Tiiiiin roof!
491
00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:42,240
- Oh.
- Rusted!
492
00:19:45,012 --> 00:19:47,378
Amazing duet yesterday.
493
00:19:47,380 --> 00:19:49,247
I would've joined in, but Chestnut threw
494
00:19:49,249 --> 00:19:51,516
- a piping-hot potato wedge at Trent.
- Good.
495
00:19:51,518 --> 00:19:53,084
You do that thing
where you cup your ear,
496
00:19:53,086 --> 00:19:54,285
but it's still pitchy.
497
00:19:54,287 --> 00:19:55,945
Uh, it's called harmonizing?
498
00:19:55,947 --> 00:19:57,255
Look, about Eddie.
499
00:19:57,257 --> 00:19:59,190
I know we always wanted
him to go to college,
500
00:19:59,192 --> 00:20:00,705
but he has his own dreams.
501
00:20:00,707 --> 00:20:03,494
Louis, we worked so
hard to get him here.
502
00:20:03,496 --> 00:20:05,997
He has a golden opportunity.
503
00:20:05,999 --> 00:20:08,032
I don't want him to throw it all away.
504
00:20:08,034 --> 00:20:10,968
Well, you know, we were
his age when we left Taiwan,
505
00:20:10,970 --> 00:20:12,202
and isn't this why,
506
00:20:12,204 --> 00:20:14,304
so our kids could
pursue their own dreams?
507
00:20:16,373 --> 00:20:19,130
How am I so bad at fake
skateboarding and you're a god?
508
00:20:19,132 --> 00:20:20,856
You got slow thumbs, Eddie.
509
00:20:24,016 --> 00:20:25,649
Tina, can you give us a minute?
510
00:20:25,651 --> 00:20:27,685
You got it, Jess.
511
00:20:27,687 --> 00:20:28,819
Still weird.
512
00:20:30,891 --> 00:20:33,390
So, are you still into this
whole cooking-school thing?
513
00:20:33,392 --> 00:20:34,992
Yeah.
514
00:20:34,994 --> 00:20:37,061
Okay, fine. You can go.
515
00:20:37,063 --> 00:20:39,185
- Really?!
- That's it?
516
00:20:39,187 --> 00:20:40,998
No one's going to stop my son
517
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,933
from getting what he wants, not even me.
518
00:20:43,935 --> 00:20:47,570
But you are going to the top one.
519
00:20:47,572 --> 00:20:49,572
Really, Mom?
520
00:20:49,574 --> 00:20:50,907
Another life-chart?
521
00:20:50,909 --> 00:20:53,042
This one...
522
00:20:53,044 --> 00:20:54,643
you fill out yourself.
523
00:20:54,645 --> 00:20:56,595
I'd use a pencil, son.
524
00:20:56,597 --> 00:20:58,487
You never know. Things can change.
525
00:20:58,489 --> 00:21:01,150
And I reserve the right to
correct whatever you get wrong.
526
00:21:01,152 --> 00:21:05,588
Like it or not, I'm not going anywhere.
527
00:21:11,201 --> 00:21:13,040
Ohh. I'm so proud of him.
528
00:21:13,042 --> 00:21:14,375
Our little Evan.
529
00:21:14,377 --> 00:21:16,710
... and my brother, Emery,
530
00:21:16,712 --> 00:21:18,919
who taught me to be true to myself.
531
00:21:18,921 --> 00:21:21,114
And now he's starring
in cellphone commercials.
532
00:21:21,116 --> 00:21:22,683
I'm sure you've all
heard his catchphrase.
533
00:21:22,685 --> 00:21:25,120
"No, boss, it's a text message!"
534
00:21:25,122 --> 00:21:27,253
You know, Louis,
535
00:21:27,255 --> 00:21:29,422
I'm actually glad your mother's here,
536
00:21:29,424 --> 00:21:31,090
even like this.
537
00:21:35,797 --> 00:21:39,899
I'm going to be a big Ole mess later.
538
00:21:39,901 --> 00:21:41,211
Yo, when this thing wrap up?
539
00:21:41,213 --> 00:21:42,836
I got Trent running my restaurant,
540
00:21:42,838 --> 00:21:45,137
and his narcolepsy's flaring up.
541
00:21:45,139 --> 00:21:47,773
- I don't know how, but we did it.
- Yep.
542
00:21:47,775 --> 00:21:49,609
- I did.
- Thank you.
543
00:21:49,611 --> 00:21:51,477
No, I said...