1 00:00:04,743 --> 00:00:07,659 Jessica, our son isvaledictorian of Harvard. 2 00:00:07,702 --> 00:00:08,834 Crazy. 3 00:00:08,877 --> 00:00:10,096 Louis, pipe down. 4 00:00:10,140 --> 00:00:12,533 I gave you one rule for today, remember? 5 00:00:12,577 --> 00:00:14,318 Don't talkin a wicked Boston accent 6 00:00:14,361 --> 00:00:15,232 to order lobster chowder? 7 00:00:15,275 --> 00:00:16,929 Okay, fine. Two rules. 8 00:00:16,972 --> 00:00:19,627 And it's not crazy he's up there. 9 00:00:19,671 --> 00:00:21,847 He's always shown signs of greatness. 10 00:00:21,890 --> 00:00:24,502 Breakfast is served, suckas. 11 00:00:24,545 --> 00:00:27,983 Boom. A literal food pyramid made from all 10 food groups. 12 00:00:28,027 --> 00:00:29,681 Frozen fish sticks form the base, 13 00:00:29,724 --> 00:00:31,422 so give her a sec to thaw before diving in. 14 00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:33,728 10 food groups?Why is it moving? 15 00:00:33,772 --> 00:00:36,514 I still can't believe you got a 1500 on your SAT. 16 00:00:36,557 --> 00:00:38,211 I still can't believeyou haven't told Mom yet. 17 00:00:38,255 --> 00:00:39,517 Boys, think. 18 00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:41,519 I'm a high-school junior who doesn't listen well. 19 00:00:41,562 --> 00:00:43,086 Fair.Cautiously following. 20 00:00:43,129 --> 00:00:44,609 I'll tell Mom my score 21 00:00:44,652 --> 00:00:46,480 when I really need a get-out-of-jail-free card, 22 00:00:46,524 --> 00:00:48,743 like, for example, I'm in jail. 23 00:00:48,787 --> 00:00:50,789 Yeah.Eddie, clean up the mess you made in the kitchen. 24 00:00:50,832 --> 00:00:52,878 I got a 1500 on my SATs. 25 00:00:52,921 --> 00:00:54,314 What?! Wow. 26 00:00:54,358 --> 00:00:57,100 Eddie, I can't believe it! 27 00:00:58,362 --> 00:01:00,233 I did it. 28 00:01:00,277 --> 00:01:02,322 --Captions by VITAC-- 29 00:01:02,366 --> 00:01:03,628 ♪ Fresh off the boat 30 00:01:03,671 --> 00:01:05,456 ♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪ 31 00:01:05,499 --> 00:01:07,545 ♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪ 32 00:01:07,588 --> 00:01:08,981 ♪ Fresh off the boat 33 00:01:09,024 --> 00:01:11,244 ♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪ 34 00:01:11,288 --> 00:01:12,680 ♪ But I know where I'm goin' 35 00:01:12,724 --> 00:01:15,248 ♪ I'm fresh off the boat 36 00:01:16,597 --> 00:01:19,774 You really got a 1500 on the SAT? 37 00:01:19,818 --> 00:01:21,994 Yep. A 750 on the verbal and... 38 00:01:22,037 --> 00:01:23,561 whatever's left in math. 39 00:01:23,604 --> 00:01:25,432 Amazing. I'm so proud of you. 40 00:01:25,476 --> 00:01:26,303 Thank you. 41 00:01:26,346 --> 00:01:27,956 See, Louis? 42 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:31,351 Me pushing Eddie all these years is finally paying off. 43 00:01:31,395 --> 00:01:33,571 Top-tier colleges are back in play. 44 00:01:33,614 --> 00:01:34,702 The football teams get worse, 45 00:01:34,746 --> 00:01:36,269 but the starting salaries skyrocket. 46 00:01:36,313 --> 00:01:38,097 You did fill in the oval 47 00:01:38,141 --> 00:01:40,230 letting schools get your test scores, right? 48 00:01:40,273 --> 00:01:43,537 I filled in every oval I saw --you know, better my chances. 49 00:01:43,581 --> 00:01:44,930 1500, ladies and germs. 50 00:01:44,973 --> 00:01:47,150 1-5-0-0. 51 00:01:47,193 --> 00:01:48,238 Well, I better clean my pyramid mess. 52 00:01:48,281 --> 00:01:49,978 No, no, no. You stay. 53 00:01:50,022 --> 00:01:51,154 You deserve to rest. 54 00:01:53,112 --> 00:01:54,983 I'll do the dishes. What the heck. 55 00:01:55,027 --> 00:01:57,290 Maybe I'll even reconnect the dishwasher. 56 00:02:02,295 --> 00:02:03,862 Was that a hug? 57 00:02:03,905 --> 00:02:05,733 I've never seen your mother this happy. 58 00:02:05,777 --> 00:02:07,431 That includes our wedding day, 59 00:02:07,474 --> 00:02:08,867 but definitely not our wedding night. 60 00:02:08,910 --> 00:02:10,260 We went for it. 61 00:02:10,303 --> 00:02:11,261 Gross. 62 00:02:11,304 --> 00:02:13,001 I don't trust this. 63 00:02:13,045 --> 00:02:14,786 It's like when a stranger offersyou candy to get in their van. 64 00:02:14,829 --> 00:02:17,005 I mean, you take it -- free candy -- 65 00:02:17,049 --> 00:02:18,311 but it never ends well. 66 00:02:18,355 --> 00:02:19,399 Please tell me you've never gotten in 67 00:02:19,443 --> 00:02:20,400 a stranger's van before. 68 00:02:20,444 --> 00:02:22,402 Eddie, your mom 69 00:02:22,446 --> 00:02:23,751 doesn't get to experience pure joy often. 70 00:02:23,795 --> 00:02:25,971 She refuses to watch "Police Academy," 71 00:02:26,014 --> 00:02:28,713 doesn't "get dogs," calls Weird Al a hack. 72 00:02:28,756 --> 00:02:29,801 Let her have this. 73 00:02:29,844 --> 00:02:31,846 Eddie, forget the kitchen. 74 00:02:31,890 --> 00:02:33,413 We're going out to celebrate! 75 00:02:33,457 --> 00:02:36,286 Cele-what? Girl, I got school. 76 00:02:36,329 --> 00:02:38,418 Not today. School can wait. 77 00:02:41,334 --> 00:02:43,597 Dibs on the first dishwasher load. 78 00:02:46,078 --> 00:02:48,472 ♪ Baby, I got your money 79 00:02:48,515 --> 00:02:50,387 ♪ Hey, Dirty 80 00:02:50,430 --> 00:02:54,304 ♪ Baby, I got your money, don't you worry ♪ 81 00:02:54,347 --> 00:02:56,654 ♪ I said hey, Dirty 82 00:02:56,697 --> 00:02:58,699 ♪ Baby, I got your money 83 00:02:58,743 --> 00:03:01,311 ♪ Hey, Dirty 84 00:03:01,354 --> 00:03:03,443 ♪ Dance if you caught up in the Holy Ghost trance ♪ 85 00:03:03,487 --> 00:03:05,532 ♪ If you stop, I'm-a putthe killer ants in your pants ♪ 86 00:03:05,576 --> 00:03:07,882 ♪ I'm the ODB, as you can see 87 00:03:07,926 --> 00:03:10,363 ♪ I'm just Dirt Dog trying to make some money ♪ 88 00:03:10,407 --> 00:03:12,800 ♪ So give me my streaks and give me my honey ♪ 89 00:03:12,844 --> 00:03:14,454 ♪ None of you, nuh, better look at me funny ♪ 90 00:03:14,498 --> 00:03:17,327 ♪ Nuh, you know my name, now gimme my money ♪ 91 00:03:17,370 --> 00:03:18,632 ♪ Hey 92 00:03:18,676 --> 00:03:20,808 Man, I look like "Boyz n the Hood" Ice Cube, 93 00:03:20,852 --> 00:03:21,461 Asian-boy edition. 94 00:03:21,505 --> 00:03:23,289 Dope. 95 00:03:23,333 --> 00:03:24,769 Motherand oval-filling son. 96 00:03:24,812 --> 00:03:25,900 This stays here. 97 00:03:25,944 --> 00:03:27,075 I don't wantyour Ivy League roommates 98 00:03:27,119 --> 00:03:29,600 drooling overyour mother's flawless skin. 99 00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:31,384 I don't know about the Ivy League. 100 00:03:31,428 --> 00:03:34,561 I do! That 1500 changed the game. 101 00:03:34,605 --> 00:03:36,215 We need to update your life-chart. 102 00:03:38,391 --> 00:03:39,958 Evan has dibs on president, 103 00:03:40,001 --> 00:03:41,307 but we can Kennedy this thing, 104 00:03:41,351 --> 00:03:42,700 and you could be his attorney general. 105 00:03:42,743 --> 00:03:45,616 Emery can be the drunk with the square head. 106 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:51,535 Oh, no. 107 00:03:51,578 --> 00:03:54,189 Mom wrote "A Case of a Knife tothe Brain 2: The Second Knife"? 108 00:03:54,233 --> 00:03:56,017 I'm penning my memoir. 109 00:03:56,061 --> 00:03:57,715 I want to get my life story down 110 00:03:57,758 --> 00:04:00,195 before things get intensein high school. 111 00:04:00,239 --> 00:04:02,894 It'll be way less intense if you keep that to yourself. 112 00:04:02,937 --> 00:04:04,330 I can't be America's firstDoctor-President 113 00:04:04,374 --> 00:04:05,505 without publishing a memoir. 114 00:04:05,549 --> 00:04:06,898 I even mocked up a cover. 115 00:04:08,943 --> 00:04:10,945 I'll update the photowhen I'm old enough to run, 116 00:04:10,989 --> 00:04:12,120 maybe grow some stubblefor the ladies -- 117 00:04:12,164 --> 00:04:13,296 crucial demo. 118 00:04:13,339 --> 00:04:14,862 Cool. 119 00:04:14,906 --> 00:04:16,342 I've outlined my next chapter -- 120 00:04:16,386 --> 00:04:18,431 "Evan Huang,HOA Vice President." 121 00:04:25,699 --> 00:04:27,614 Matthew: How do you think this guy went out? 122 00:04:27,658 --> 00:04:29,050 Big-game hunter, 123 00:04:29,094 --> 00:04:31,401 or stepped in front of the wrong logging truck? 124 00:04:31,444 --> 00:04:33,620 Pushing that much girth around the woods? 125 00:04:33,664 --> 00:04:34,404 Heart disease all day. 126 00:04:34,447 --> 00:04:36,275 Hey! 127 00:04:36,319 --> 00:04:38,190 Mom liftedher bumper-sticker ban. 128 00:04:38,233 --> 00:04:41,628 She wants you to put this onthe Cattleman's delivery car. Eddie: Great. 129 00:04:41,672 --> 00:04:43,456 That's what you want on your bumper during rush hour. 130 00:04:43,500 --> 00:04:44,501 Very rear-end-able. 131 00:04:46,546 --> 00:04:47,678 You have a minute to talk? 132 00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:48,853 Boss Talk or Dad Talk? 133 00:04:48,896 --> 00:04:49,854 Dad Talk. 134 00:04:49,897 --> 00:04:51,334 Okay. 135 00:04:52,900 --> 00:04:54,641 It's me, Dad. What's up? 136 00:04:54,685 --> 00:04:56,164 So, I've been thinkinga lot about college 137 00:04:56,208 --> 00:04:57,296 ever since our UCLA trip. 138 00:04:57,340 --> 00:04:58,384 Great trip. 139 00:04:58,428 --> 00:04:59,559 Great trip, 140 00:04:59,603 --> 00:05:01,387 but I don't think I wanta regular school. 141 00:05:03,607 --> 00:05:04,869 I want to go to culinary school. 142 00:05:04,912 --> 00:05:06,697 Culinary school? 143 00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:09,047 Like for cooking.I know what it means -- sorta. 144 00:05:09,090 --> 00:05:11,049 This is big, Eddie. 145 00:05:11,092 --> 00:05:12,746 I know you're working at the restaurant with me, 146 00:05:12,790 --> 00:05:14,922 but I didn't realize you were that passionate about this. 147 00:05:14,966 --> 00:05:17,360 I didn't either,until it dawned on me 148 00:05:17,403 --> 00:05:19,405 the thing I always getexcited about is food... 149 00:05:33,463 --> 00:05:35,508 ...creating it,cooking it, eating it. 150 00:05:35,552 --> 00:05:36,770 I love food, Dad! 151 00:05:36,814 --> 00:05:39,033 I love food, too, son. 152 00:05:39,077 --> 00:05:40,948 I love food, too. 153 00:05:40,992 --> 00:05:42,602 You're following in my footsteps. 154 00:05:42,646 --> 00:05:44,648 Uh, my restaurant footsteps, 155 00:05:44,691 --> 00:05:46,693 not my Cha Cha King of Taipei footsteps. 156 00:05:46,737 --> 00:05:48,173 Ain't nobody following those. 157 00:05:48,216 --> 00:05:50,001 Well, I'm glad you're opento culinary school. 158 00:05:50,044 --> 00:05:51,176 Ma won't be. 159 00:05:51,219 --> 00:05:52,525 Yeah. 160 00:05:52,569 --> 00:05:54,179 No way she had this on my life-chart. 161 00:05:54,222 --> 00:05:57,095 Hey, why don't you make her a meal, 162 00:05:57,138 --> 00:05:58,705 show her your stuff, 163 00:05:58,749 --> 00:06:00,838 and then we can talk about culinary school together? 164 00:06:00,881 --> 00:06:02,622 Yeah, that'd be sick! 165 00:06:08,715 --> 00:06:10,500 "Evan Huang for HOA Vice President: 166 00:06:10,543 --> 00:06:12,502 One Deidre Heartbeat Away." 167 00:06:12,545 --> 00:06:14,329 You said you worked as a mall elf 168 00:06:14,373 --> 00:06:16,723 to "help my needy brothers"? 169 00:06:16,767 --> 00:06:18,551 Iworked as a mall elf to help you! 170 00:06:18,595 --> 00:06:19,944 Uh, time out. 171 00:06:19,987 --> 00:06:21,336 You read my memoir? 172 00:06:21,380 --> 00:06:22,686 Please tell me you wore the document gloves 173 00:06:22,729 --> 00:06:23,730 sitting next to it. 174 00:06:23,774 --> 00:06:25,602 You stole my story. You lied! 175 00:06:27,430 --> 00:06:29,170 I'm just giving readers what they want -- a hero. 176 00:06:29,214 --> 00:06:30,563 Who cares about the details? 177 00:06:30,607 --> 00:06:31,608 I do. 178 00:06:31,651 --> 00:06:33,436 You can't be presidentif you lie. 179 00:06:33,479 --> 00:06:34,567 It's un-American. 180 00:06:34,611 --> 00:06:37,004 Calling the first Asian President un-American? 181 00:06:37,048 --> 00:06:39,224 Pretty racist. 182 00:06:44,098 --> 00:06:45,926 This is amazing. 183 00:06:45,970 --> 00:06:48,668 Your mom will have toconsider culinary school. 184 00:06:48,712 --> 00:06:50,104 Each dish is inspired by her -- 185 00:06:50,148 --> 00:06:52,585 Anti-Hobo Stew, Chicken a la Stephen King, 186 00:06:52,629 --> 00:06:54,282 Aw Hell Gnocchi. 187 00:06:54,326 --> 00:06:56,763 I was out at the mailbox, 188 00:06:56,807 --> 00:06:57,808 and I saw Deidre in the window. 189 00:06:57,851 --> 00:07:00,637 Dummy took 20 minutes to notice my sweatshirt. 190 00:07:03,770 --> 00:07:05,555 What's all this?Oh, I made dinner for you. 191 00:07:05,598 --> 00:07:06,904 Why? 192 00:07:06,947 --> 00:07:08,819 Oh, you put a baby in that redhead, didn't you? 193 00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:10,342 Jessica! Whoa! 194 00:07:10,385 --> 00:07:11,430 No. 195 00:07:11,474 --> 00:07:12,562 I just wanted to say thank you 196 00:07:12,605 --> 00:07:13,780 for everything you've done for me. 197 00:07:13,824 --> 00:07:15,303 Aww! 198 00:07:15,347 --> 00:07:17,610 You got a 1500 andyou cook. 199 00:07:17,654 --> 00:07:20,613 You are going to make some womanI choose a great husband. 200 00:07:20,657 --> 00:07:22,615 So, Mom,I was hoping we could talk. 201 00:07:22,659 --> 00:07:24,138 Sure. 202 00:07:24,182 --> 00:07:25,923 What did you want to -- 203 00:07:25,966 --> 00:07:27,359 Eddie got a letter from Harvard. 204 00:07:27,402 --> 00:07:28,360 I'll open it so you don't cut your test fingers. 205 00:07:28,403 --> 00:07:30,275 Okay with you? Great! 206 00:07:30,318 --> 00:07:31,798 Aah! 207 00:07:31,842 --> 00:07:34,409 "Dear Edwyn Huang, 208 00:07:34,453 --> 00:07:36,194 we received your SAT scores 209 00:07:36,237 --> 00:07:37,848 and want to schedule an interview 210 00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:39,545 with one of our alumni"? 211 00:07:47,422 --> 00:07:49,076 Ah! 212 00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:51,339 Harvard wants to send an alum here to my house 213 00:07:51,383 --> 00:07:54,125 to interview Eddie, my son. 214 00:07:54,168 --> 00:07:55,953 Louis: No chance they send Bill Gates, right? 215 00:07:55,996 --> 00:07:58,738 Because I still can't get the printer to do landscape. 216 00:07:58,782 --> 00:08:00,784 I got to get moving. I got to call Connie to gloat. 217 00:08:00,827 --> 00:08:02,742 I got to redecorate the house to Ivy League standards, 218 00:08:02,786 --> 00:08:04,483 polish the fine china. 219 00:08:04,527 --> 00:08:06,572 Fun fact -- that's my bowling nickname. 220 00:08:09,009 --> 00:08:10,968 Dad, I want to go to culinary school. 221 00:08:11,011 --> 00:08:12,404 Do I really have to do this interview? 222 00:08:12,447 --> 00:08:13,623 It'd just be a waste of time. 223 00:08:13,666 --> 00:08:14,580 Not for your mom. 224 00:08:14,624 --> 00:08:16,887 Ho, ho, ho! 225 00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:17,801 Not a "yo mama" joke. Sorry. 226 00:08:17,844 --> 00:08:19,803 Eddie, she's worked hard 227 00:08:19,846 --> 00:08:21,065 your whole lifeto give you this opportunity. 228 00:08:21,108 --> 00:08:24,764 Just let her have this,and then we can talkto her about culinary. 229 00:08:24,808 --> 00:08:27,245 Fine. I'll do it -- for her. 230 00:08:27,288 --> 00:08:28,507 Good. 231 00:08:28,551 --> 00:08:29,769 And if,for whatever reason, 232 00:08:29,813 --> 00:08:31,205 cooking school doesn't pan out... 233 00:08:31,249 --> 00:08:32,816 Pan out. Nice. 234 00:08:32,859 --> 00:08:34,121 ...Harvard is not the worst backup. 235 00:08:34,165 --> 00:08:35,862 Speak for yourself. 236 00:08:35,906 --> 00:08:37,777 I ain't built for those Pennsylvania winters. 237 00:08:37,821 --> 00:08:40,475 No, Harvard is... Yeah. 238 00:08:42,826 --> 00:08:44,741 Aah! Ahh. 239 00:08:44,784 --> 00:08:45,872 Pay up, Barbie. 240 00:08:47,482 --> 00:08:48,962 Hey, why are you so quiet there,Emory, huh? 241 00:08:49,006 --> 00:08:50,790 Those freshman girls got your tongue? 242 00:08:50,834 --> 00:08:52,226 Evan's writing a memoir, 243 00:08:52,270 --> 00:08:54,359 and he's stealing stories,making things up. 244 00:08:54,402 --> 00:08:55,708 Well, he's just spinning yarns 245 00:08:55,752 --> 00:08:57,884 like we used to do in the Navy -- harmless. 246 00:08:57,928 --> 00:08:59,756 Not like those dirty Marines. 247 00:08:59,799 --> 00:09:00,887 They're actual liars. 248 00:09:00,931 --> 00:09:02,628 N-- O-kay. You can g-- 249 00:09:02,672 --> 00:09:04,238 Emery, your brother'sin eighth grade. 250 00:09:04,282 --> 00:09:05,762 That's a tough time. 251 00:09:05,805 --> 00:09:09,374 He's probably justtooting his own horn.Yeah. 252 00:09:09,417 --> 00:09:10,418 Maybe I am overreacting. 253 00:09:10,462 --> 00:09:11,855 I'm glad you guys think it's okay 254 00:09:11,898 --> 00:09:12,899 since you're all in his memoir, too. 255 00:09:12,943 --> 00:09:14,640 We are? Yeah? Yeah. 256 00:09:14,684 --> 00:09:16,773 You should see how he described Liza's birth. 257 00:09:18,252 --> 00:09:20,124 Oh, Marvin! Where are the keys? 258 00:09:20,167 --> 00:09:22,430 This baby is coming!I can't find 'em! 259 00:09:22,474 --> 00:09:25,259 Oh, this is all too much,even for a Navy man. 260 00:09:25,303 --> 00:09:27,174 Oh, no. 261 00:09:27,218 --> 00:09:30,351 Ohh. I'm fainting. 262 00:09:30,395 --> 00:09:34,007 Oh, who could blame you? 263 00:09:34,051 --> 00:09:37,576 There's not a man alive who canhandle this kind of pressure. 264 00:09:38,446 --> 00:09:40,623 I will deliver the baby. 265 00:09:43,408 --> 00:09:45,192 Honey, give me two deep breaths. 266 00:09:45,236 --> 00:09:48,239 1, 2... 267 00:09:49,936 --> 00:09:52,025 There she is. 268 00:09:52,069 --> 00:09:54,680 We'll call her Liza. 269 00:09:57,901 --> 00:09:59,598 I had a 17-hour labor 270 00:09:59,642 --> 00:10:01,992 with a rare diagonal breach,no epidural, 271 00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:03,863 and that nerd is trying totake it away from me? 272 00:10:03,907 --> 00:10:05,865 I warned Evan, but he didn't listen. 273 00:10:05,909 --> 00:10:06,823 He's stubborn. 274 00:10:06,866 --> 00:10:09,564 That's why he'll be a good politician. 275 00:10:09,608 --> 00:10:11,175 He only cares about the votes. 276 00:10:11,218 --> 00:10:13,525 And Navy men don't faint! 277 00:10:13,568 --> 00:10:16,180 They pass out and hit the ground hard 278 00:10:16,223 --> 00:10:19,313 with their pants off and their shoes on, like men. 279 00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:25,885 Why does our house looklike a Vermont B&B 280 00:10:25,929 --> 00:10:27,887 inside a whaling ship? 281 00:10:27,931 --> 00:10:30,194 I want Harvard to feel at home for Eddie's interview. 282 00:10:30,237 --> 00:10:32,239 The theme is "New England Snoot."Smart. 283 00:10:32,283 --> 00:10:33,763 Eddie: Ma, 284 00:10:33,806 --> 00:10:35,025 do I really have to wear all this? 285 00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:36,635 I mean, look at me. 286 00:10:36,679 --> 00:10:38,376 I want to kick my ass.Eddie, you look great -- 287 00:10:38,419 --> 00:10:41,988 like a hip1970s IBM executive. 288 00:10:43,033 --> 00:10:44,730 Places. Places, everyone. 289 00:10:47,167 --> 00:10:49,039 Together: Afta-noon! 290 00:10:49,082 --> 00:10:51,868 Hello. That wasn't creepy at all. 291 00:10:51,911 --> 00:10:53,086 Andy Richter? 292 00:10:53,130 --> 00:10:54,784 You know this intelligent man? 293 00:10:54,827 --> 00:10:57,090 Oh, he's the co-host of"Late Night with Conan O'Brien." 294 00:10:57,134 --> 00:10:59,745 The talk show?I understand zero of those words. 295 00:10:59,789 --> 00:11:00,833 Yeah, it's a great job. 296 00:11:00,877 --> 00:11:03,618 I sit on the couch and laugh at Conan's jokes. 297 00:11:03,662 --> 00:11:05,055 Hey, me too. 298 00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:06,317 Alright, look, it's not that easy, okay? 299 00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:09,102 I mean, there's...lights and stuff. 300 00:11:09,146 --> 00:11:10,451 So, Andy,you're a Harvard alum? 301 00:11:10,495 --> 00:11:12,845 Oh, God, no. My name is Andy. Come on. 302 00:11:12,889 --> 00:11:14,847 No, but Conan is, 303 00:11:14,891 --> 00:11:16,544 and sometimes he does interviews for them, 304 00:11:16,588 --> 00:11:19,286 and then he asks me to do the interviews for him. 305 00:11:19,330 --> 00:11:20,940 Mm. I like this Conan. 306 00:11:20,984 --> 00:11:22,812 Eh, everybody does. He's Conan. 307 00:11:22,855 --> 00:11:25,902 He's tall, he's handsome, he signs my checks. 308 00:11:25,945 --> 00:11:28,034 So, uh,can I get you anything? 309 00:11:28,078 --> 00:11:29,296 Tea? Something to eat? 310 00:11:29,340 --> 00:11:31,734 My "Simpsons" spec scriptto give to Conan? 311 00:11:31,777 --> 00:11:34,345 Uh, no, it's alright. I'll just talk to Eddie.Okay. 312 00:11:34,388 --> 00:11:35,868 And you know what? I will have something to eat. 313 00:11:35,912 --> 00:11:38,610 And drink. 314 00:11:38,653 --> 00:11:41,004 Evan, thank you for the block-party update. 315 00:11:41,047 --> 00:11:42,614 My pleasure. 316 00:11:42,657 --> 00:11:44,921 Gonna be a scorcher out there, so sunscreen up, girls. 317 00:11:44,964 --> 00:11:45,965 Up next 318 00:11:46,009 --> 00:11:47,967 are elections for HOA Vice President. 319 00:11:48,011 --> 00:11:50,317 Any nominations? 320 00:11:50,361 --> 00:11:52,842 Uh, I nominate Emery Huang. 321 00:11:54,321 --> 00:11:57,150 I accept. 322 00:11:57,194 --> 00:11:58,717 For those who don't know me, I'm a spelling-bee champ, 323 00:11:58,761 --> 00:12:02,373 writing a memoir, and love a tucked-in polo! 324 00:12:02,416 --> 00:12:04,070 Those are my credentials. 325 00:12:04,114 --> 00:12:05,202 Just giving people what they want. 326 00:12:05,245 --> 00:12:06,899 It takes a lot of marbles 327 00:12:06,943 --> 00:12:09,119 to sideswipe the guy holding a wooden hammer. 328 00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:10,598 -Ooh! 329 00:12:10,642 --> 00:12:12,949 Whoa, Eddie. You really nailed the SATs. 330 00:12:12,992 --> 00:12:14,298 What was that like? 331 00:12:14,341 --> 00:12:16,779 Tough.I filled in so many ovals, 332 00:12:16,822 --> 00:12:19,216 I didn't have the strengthto zip up my pants for a week. 333 00:12:19,259 --> 00:12:21,174 Well, zippers are complicated. 334 00:12:21,218 --> 00:12:23,350 I think the Amish are ahead of the curve on that one. 335 00:12:23,394 --> 00:12:24,612 Jessica: Oh, don't mind me. 336 00:12:24,656 --> 00:12:27,093 Just taking Eddie's cello to the conservatory. 337 00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:31,663 Ooh! Cello -- the man's violin. 338 00:12:31,706 --> 00:12:34,448 Well, actually,I'm more of a beatboxer. 339 00:12:34,492 --> 00:12:36,363 No kidding! Let 'er rip. 340 00:12:39,758 --> 00:12:41,978 ♪ Ah-booty, booty, booty jam 341 00:12:42,021 --> 00:12:43,631 No, no, over here, ignore that now! 342 00:12:43,675 --> 00:12:44,502 Eddie's telescope. 343 00:12:44,545 --> 00:12:46,896 Houston, we have a genius. 344 00:12:46,939 --> 00:12:50,160 Gosh, maybe it would be easier if I just interviewed you. 345 00:12:50,203 --> 00:12:52,902 Great idea. 346 00:12:52,945 --> 00:12:54,512 Well, uh, Eddie, do you have any questions 347 00:12:54,555 --> 00:12:56,557 for me, for Conan, for Harvard? 348 00:12:56,601 --> 00:12:58,124 Yes. 349 00:12:58,168 --> 00:12:59,212 How hard will they make him work? 350 00:12:59,256 --> 00:13:00,910 Eddie loves hard work. 351 00:13:00,953 --> 00:13:02,912 Huh? Huh. 352 00:13:02,955 --> 00:13:04,087 Well, he didn't at first. 353 00:13:04,130 --> 00:13:06,263 I've always had to push him to succeed. 354 00:13:08,874 --> 00:13:10,571 Eddie, focus! 355 00:13:10,615 --> 00:13:12,573 Aah! Where's my bed?! 356 00:13:12,617 --> 00:13:14,097 Beds are for people who work hard. 357 00:13:14,140 --> 00:13:16,926 Recommit yourself to school and hard work, 358 00:13:16,969 --> 00:13:18,101 you get your bed back. 359 00:13:18,144 --> 00:13:19,058 Mom? 360 00:13:19,102 --> 00:13:20,451 For the next three months 361 00:13:20,494 --> 00:13:21,887 while I'm busy studying for grad school, 362 00:13:21,931 --> 00:13:25,064 you will be by my side PSAT prepping. 363 00:13:25,108 --> 00:13:26,370 Study buddies. 364 00:13:26,413 --> 00:13:28,502 Wow. You've really done a lot for Eddie. 365 00:13:28,546 --> 00:13:31,070 I drive my boys to be the best. 366 00:13:31,114 --> 00:13:32,898 Jessica don't raise mediocre. 367 00:13:32,942 --> 00:13:35,161 That's actually very helpful to hear. 368 00:13:35,205 --> 00:13:36,728 Yes, that's why I said it. 369 00:13:36,771 --> 00:13:39,470 Alright, well, uh, I've got to get going. 370 00:13:39,513 --> 00:13:43,909 "Conan" has another interview in Daytona Beach. 371 00:13:43,953 --> 00:13:45,476 Uh, hey, Andy. 372 00:13:45,519 --> 00:13:47,652 Uh, complimentary basket of oranges. 373 00:13:47,695 --> 00:13:49,915 My "Simpsons" spec scriptis on the bottom. 374 00:13:49,959 --> 00:13:51,264 Homer takes Lisa square dancingand then loses her. 375 00:13:51,308 --> 00:13:53,745 It's called "Do-Si-D'oh!" 376 00:13:53,788 --> 00:13:55,660 Yeah, perfect. 377 00:13:55,703 --> 00:13:57,662 They're always hungry for ideasfrom the random public. 378 00:13:57,705 --> 00:13:59,664 Really? That's great. 379 00:14:00,752 --> 00:14:03,102 Mm. 380 00:14:03,146 --> 00:14:05,888 So, what did you think of Eddie?What will you tell the school? 381 00:14:05,931 --> 00:14:08,629 Should I preorder my license plate for him now? 382 00:14:08,673 --> 00:14:11,937 Okay, look, I've done a lot of these things, 383 00:14:11,981 --> 00:14:14,461 and Harvard is not gonna be a fit. 384 00:14:14,505 --> 00:14:16,028 What? 385 00:14:16,072 --> 00:14:18,988 Oh, it was his mouth-rapping, wasn't it? 386 00:14:19,031 --> 00:14:20,293 Oh, no, no, that was excellent -- 387 00:14:20,337 --> 00:14:22,469 I mean, Michael Winslow-nian. 388 00:14:22,513 --> 00:14:26,734 No, i-it's not so much Eddie as it is you. 389 00:14:26,778 --> 00:14:28,084 Me? 390 00:14:28,127 --> 00:14:31,348 Yeah, you're a bit of a helicopter mom, 391 00:14:31,391 --> 00:14:35,830 and Harvard's found that, when a parent is so...invested 392 00:14:35,874 --> 00:14:38,050 that the kid tends to fizzle out 393 00:14:38,094 --> 00:14:39,312 once they're finally on their own. 394 00:14:39,356 --> 00:14:41,836 Eh, helicopter mom, that's not me. 395 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:43,186 Hey, who put this in my room? 396 00:14:46,406 --> 00:14:48,931 Well, thanks for the oranges. 397 00:14:54,153 --> 00:14:56,460 Eddie can't go to Harvard because of me. 398 00:14:59,854 --> 00:15:02,988 Jessica. I pushed you your whole life 399 00:15:03,032 --> 00:15:04,729 for a school like Harvard, but I pushed too hard. 400 00:15:04,772 --> 00:15:06,774 I failed you. What? 401 00:15:06,818 --> 00:15:08,080 No, I wasn't thatbig on Harvard anyways. 402 00:15:08,124 --> 00:15:10,213 I mean, their mascot's a friggin' color. 403 00:15:10,256 --> 00:15:11,910 Well, I guess there are other top schools. 404 00:15:11,954 --> 00:15:14,130 Why, it is the Ivy League after all. 405 00:15:14,173 --> 00:15:15,566 Or there are other options. 406 00:15:15,609 --> 00:15:17,698 Okay, new plan! 407 00:15:17,742 --> 00:15:19,004 We go to the schools to interview. 408 00:15:19,048 --> 00:15:20,440 We ambush them. 409 00:15:20,484 --> 00:15:22,051 I'll find the admissions director, 410 00:15:22,094 --> 00:15:24,140 tell him that if he doesn't accept Eddie, 411 00:15:24,183 --> 00:15:25,532 it's time for some smacks -- 412 00:15:25,576 --> 00:15:28,187 hitting smacks, not kissing smacks. 413 00:15:28,231 --> 00:15:30,015 Ma, you don't have to do that. 414 00:15:30,059 --> 00:15:33,192 Of course I do. I ruined Harvard! 415 00:15:33,236 --> 00:15:35,455 You didn't ruin it, because I didn't want to go to college. 416 00:15:35,499 --> 00:15:37,544 I want to go to culinary school. 417 00:15:42,854 --> 00:15:45,378 Then I guess I really did fail you as a mother. 418 00:15:50,470 --> 00:15:52,385 Okay. I'll tally the votes. 419 00:15:52,429 --> 00:15:55,432 Hey, dingbat. What the "H" was that? 420 00:15:55,475 --> 00:15:57,086 You took credit for my success, 421 00:15:57,129 --> 00:15:59,305 plucked my feathers for your cap. 422 00:15:59,349 --> 00:16:00,437 I was just proving a point. 423 00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:02,047 Well, this isn't a joke, kid. 424 00:16:02,091 --> 00:16:05,094 This is the doggone HOA Vice Presidency! Mm. 425 00:16:05,137 --> 00:16:07,487 Doesn't feel so goodwhen someone stealsyour story, does it? 426 00:16:07,531 --> 00:16:10,012 The dark underbelly of plagiarism. 427 00:16:12,318 --> 00:16:15,060 Evan, you saw how everyone reacted 428 00:16:15,104 --> 00:16:16,235 when I shared your story. 429 00:16:16,279 --> 00:16:17,236 It's powerful enoughon its own. 430 00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:19,238 When you get to high school, 431 00:16:19,282 --> 00:16:21,327 the operating room, the oval office... 432 00:16:21,371 --> 00:16:24,026 you don't need to be anythingother than who you are. 433 00:16:24,069 --> 00:16:25,244 I love that guy. 434 00:16:27,159 --> 00:16:28,378 Alright, y'all. 435 00:16:28,421 --> 00:16:30,075 Congrats to the new Vice President, 436 00:16:30,119 --> 00:16:32,034 Emery Huang! 437 00:16:32,077 --> 00:16:34,036 This -- This is why 438 00:16:34,079 --> 00:16:36,081 we need to do away with the popular vote. 439 00:16:45,221 --> 00:16:47,527 Here's the thing, kids, but I've taken this sucker 440 00:16:47,571 --> 00:16:50,617 to 150 miles an hour on a residential street. 441 00:16:50,661 --> 00:16:52,532 Matthew: Taking the ranchon the road. 442 00:16:52,576 --> 00:16:54,839 Brings me back to my Dolly days -- 443 00:16:54,882 --> 00:16:57,189 minus the groupies and the wigs. 444 00:16:57,233 --> 00:16:58,582 Oh, you worked at Dollywood? 445 00:16:58,625 --> 00:17:00,062 I wasn't sure, because you haven't mentioned it 446 00:17:00,105 --> 00:17:01,759 since yesterday. 447 00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:05,415 Yo, Pops.Ma's not doing so well. 448 00:17:05,458 --> 00:17:08,113 Louis: Oh, yowza. Mac and cheese? 449 00:17:08,157 --> 00:17:09,375 And we're out of LACTAID. 450 00:17:09,419 --> 00:17:11,029 This is my fault. 451 00:17:11,073 --> 00:17:12,248 I shouldn't have pushed you to do that interview. 452 00:17:12,291 --> 00:17:13,466 No, it's my bad. 453 00:17:13,510 --> 00:17:15,686 I knew she'd hate culinary school, 454 00:17:15,729 --> 00:17:19,168 but I thoughtshe'd be mad, not sad. 455 00:17:19,211 --> 00:17:20,343 I broke Mom. 456 00:17:20,386 --> 00:17:22,649 Meatball: Okay, everybody. 457 00:17:22,693 --> 00:17:25,130 Let's keep that energy going for Jessica Huang, 458 00:17:25,174 --> 00:17:26,740 who's singing next. 459 00:17:30,701 --> 00:17:33,530 ♪ Listen as your day unfolds 460 00:17:33,573 --> 00:17:36,272 ♪ Challenge what the future holds ♪ 461 00:17:36,315 --> 00:17:40,624 ♪ Try and keep your head up to the sky ♪ 462 00:17:40,667 --> 00:17:42,147 Oof. I heard Harvard's out.♪ Lovers, they may cause you tears ♪ 463 00:17:42,191 --> 00:17:44,323 Yeah, well, Andy Richter called her a bad mom. 464 00:17:44,367 --> 00:17:46,543 ♪ Go ahead, release your fears ♪ 465 00:17:46,586 --> 00:17:47,674 Aw, hell no.♪ Show up and be counted 466 00:17:47,718 --> 00:17:51,504 ♪ Don't be ashamed to cry ♪ 467 00:17:51,548 --> 00:17:54,159 ♪ Herald what your mother said ♪ 468 00:17:54,203 --> 00:17:56,770 ♪ Read the books your father read ♪ 469 00:17:56,814 --> 00:18:02,298 ♪ Try to solve your puzzles in your own sweet time ♪ 470 00:18:02,341 --> 00:18:05,127 ♪ You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold ♪ 471 00:18:05,170 --> 00:18:07,477 ♪ You gotta be wiser 472 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,522 ♪ You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough ♪ 473 00:18:09,566 --> 00:18:12,525 ♪ You gotta be stronger 474 00:18:12,569 --> 00:18:15,224 ♪ You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm ♪ 475 00:18:15,267 --> 00:18:17,313 ♪ You gotta stay together 476 00:18:17,356 --> 00:18:22,231 ♪ All I know, all I know, love will save the day ♪ 477 00:18:22,274 --> 00:18:24,233 ♪ Time asks no questions 478 00:18:24,276 --> 00:18:27,192 ♪ It goes on without you 479 00:18:27,236 --> 00:18:28,759 ♪ Leaving you behind 480 00:18:28,802 --> 00:18:32,371 If you try to suspend our son because of this, 481 00:18:32,415 --> 00:18:34,808 we will sue everyone in this school. 482 00:18:34,852 --> 00:18:37,333 ♪ You can't stop it if you try to ♪ 483 00:18:37,376 --> 00:18:39,204 ♪ The best part is danger... 484 00:18:39,248 --> 00:18:40,510 If Oscar Chow hadn't dumped me, 485 00:18:40,553 --> 00:18:42,425 I never would have met your father. 486 00:18:42,468 --> 00:18:43,469 I wouldn't be here. 487 00:18:43,513 --> 00:18:45,471 And that would be tragic. 488 00:18:45,515 --> 00:18:48,170 ♪ You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold ♪ 489 00:18:48,213 --> 00:18:50,259 ♪ You gotta be wiser 490 00:18:50,302 --> 00:18:53,479 ♪ You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough ♪ 491 00:18:53,523 --> 00:18:55,916 ♪ You gotta be stronger 492 00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:59,485 ♪ All I know, all I know, love will save the day ♪ 493 00:19:06,100 --> 00:19:08,407 Okay, I hope you're not wearing synthetic fibers, 494 00:19:08,451 --> 00:19:10,757 'cause they're about to set the dance floor on fire. 495 00:19:10,801 --> 00:19:12,542 It's Honey and Marvin. 496 00:19:14,108 --> 00:19:17,242 ♪ You see a faded sign by the side of the road ♪ 497 00:19:17,286 --> 00:19:19,375 ♪ That says 15 miles to the ♪ 498 00:19:19,418 --> 00:19:22,769 ♪ Love shack! 499 00:19:22,813 --> 00:19:25,859 Eddie, you didn't need to do that. Yes, I did. 500 00:19:25,903 --> 00:19:28,340 Think about all the times you've swooped in to save me. 501 00:19:28,384 --> 00:19:30,168 You've always been there for me. 502 00:19:30,212 --> 00:19:31,256 You're the best mom ever. 503 00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:33,302 I'm not terrible? 504 00:19:33,345 --> 00:19:35,391 Sure, you pushed me -- a lot. 505 00:19:35,434 --> 00:19:37,523 Like, I'm probably gonna have to go talk it through 506 00:19:37,567 --> 00:19:39,046 with a professional at some point, 507 00:19:39,090 --> 00:19:40,439 but I'm glad you did, 508 00:19:40,483 --> 00:19:42,093 because it taught me to fight for what I want. 509 00:19:42,136 --> 00:19:43,268 Dirty if you have to. 510 00:19:45,357 --> 00:19:46,402 I know it's not what you planned, 511 00:19:46,445 --> 00:19:49,318 but I want to go to culinary school. 512 00:19:49,361 --> 00:19:54,105 And I just wantwhat's best for you. 513 00:19:54,148 --> 00:19:55,324 That's all I ever wanted. 514 00:19:55,367 --> 00:19:57,761 I know, but I'm not gonna quit. 515 00:19:57,804 --> 00:20:01,112 I'm never gonna quit,because I'm Jessica Huang's kid. 516 00:20:06,073 --> 00:20:06,944 Marvin: You're what? 517 00:20:06,987 --> 00:20:09,251 Tiiiiin roof! 518 00:20:09,294 --> 00:20:11,296 Oh. Rusted! 519 00:20:14,081 --> 00:20:16,388 Amazing duet yesterday. 520 00:20:16,432 --> 00:20:18,521 I would've joined in,but Chestnut threw 521 00:20:18,564 --> 00:20:20,784 a piping-hot potato wedgeat Trent. Good. 522 00:20:20,827 --> 00:20:22,438 You do that thing where you cup your ear, 523 00:20:22,481 --> 00:20:23,482 but it's still pitchy. 524 00:20:23,526 --> 00:20:25,136 Uh, it's called harmonizing? 525 00:20:25,179 --> 00:20:26,529 Look, about Eddie. 526 00:20:26,572 --> 00:20:28,531 I know we always wantedhim to go to college, 527 00:20:28,574 --> 00:20:30,707 but he has his own dreams. 528 00:20:30,750 --> 00:20:33,144 Louis, we worked so hard to get him here. 529 00:20:33,187 --> 00:20:35,451 He has a golden opportunity. 530 00:20:35,494 --> 00:20:37,627 I don't want him to throw it all away. 531 00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:40,630 Well, you know, we werehis age when we left Taiwan, 532 00:20:40,673 --> 00:20:42,066 and isn't this why, 533 00:20:42,109 --> 00:20:43,981 so our kids could pursuetheir own dreams? 534 00:20:46,549 --> 00:20:49,465 How am I so bad at fakeskateboarding and you're a god? 535 00:20:49,508 --> 00:20:51,031 You got slow thumbs, Eddie. 536 00:20:54,078 --> 00:20:55,427 Tina, can you give us a minute? 537 00:20:55,471 --> 00:20:57,516 You got it, Jess. 538 00:20:57,560 --> 00:20:58,517 Still weird. 539 00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:03,566 So, are you still into this whole cooking-school thing? 540 00:21:03,609 --> 00:21:05,263 Yeah. 541 00:21:05,307 --> 00:21:07,091 Okay, fine. You can go. 542 00:21:07,134 --> 00:21:08,484 Really?! 543 00:21:08,527 --> 00:21:09,572 That's it? 544 00:21:09,615 --> 00:21:11,313 No one's going to stop my son 545 00:21:11,356 --> 00:21:14,185 from getting what he wants, not even me. 546 00:21:14,228 --> 00:21:17,623 But you are going to the top one. 547 00:21:17,667 --> 00:21:19,625 Really, Mom? 548 00:21:19,669 --> 00:21:20,800 Another life-chart? 549 00:21:20,844 --> 00:21:23,063 This one... 550 00:21:23,107 --> 00:21:24,717 you fill out yourself. 551 00:21:24,761 --> 00:21:27,111 I'd use a pencil, son. 552 00:21:27,154 --> 00:21:28,895 You never know. Things can change. 553 00:21:28,939 --> 00:21:31,507 And I reserve the right tocorrect whatever you get wrong. 554 00:21:31,550 --> 00:21:35,554 Like it or not, I'm not going anywhere. 555 00:21:38,383 --> 00:21:39,863 ♪ Yeah 556 00:21:43,519 --> 00:21:44,781 Ohh. I'm so proud of him. 557 00:21:44,824 --> 00:21:45,999 Our little Evan. 558 00:21:46,043 --> 00:21:48,567 ...and my brother, Emery, 559 00:21:48,611 --> 00:21:50,395 who taught me to be true to myself. 560 00:21:50,439 --> 00:21:52,919 And now he's starring in cellphone commercials. 561 00:21:52,963 --> 00:21:54,486 I'm sure you've all heard his catchphrase. 562 00:21:54,530 --> 00:21:56,445 "No, boss,it's a text message!" 563 00:21:57,707 --> 00:21:59,143 You know, Louis, 564 00:21:59,186 --> 00:22:01,101 I'm actually glad your mother's here, 565 00:22:01,145 --> 00:22:02,668 even like this. 566 00:22:07,543 --> 00:22:11,590 I'm going to bea big ole mess later. 567 00:22:11,634 --> 00:22:12,983 Eddie: Yo, when this thing wrap up? 568 00:22:13,026 --> 00:22:14,637 I got Trent running my restaurant, 569 00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:16,987 and his narcolepsy's flaring up. 570 00:22:17,030 --> 00:22:18,423 I don't know how, but we did it. 571 00:22:18,467 --> 00:22:19,685 Yep. 572 00:22:19,729 --> 00:22:21,426 I did.Evan: Thank you. 573 00:22:21,470 --> 00:22:23,210 No, I said --