1 00:00:08,385 --> 00:00:09,353 Mmm! 2 00:00:09,386 --> 00:00:10,854 Really, Dad? Another burger? 3 00:00:10,887 --> 00:00:12,189 Whoa! 4 00:00:12,223 --> 00:00:14,191 You gonna take that from your own kid, Lou? 5 00:00:14,225 --> 00:00:16,460 Come on, fight back. Make fun of his hands. 6 00:00:16,493 --> 00:00:19,096 No, we've just been eating a lot of burgers together lately. 7 00:00:19,130 --> 00:00:20,897 We formed a club, the Burger Boys. 8 00:00:20,931 --> 00:00:22,599 Whenever a place has the balls to advertise 9 00:00:22,633 --> 00:00:24,101 the "Best Burger in Orlando," 10 00:00:24,135 --> 00:00:26,270 it's the Burger Boys' job to put it to the test. 11 00:00:26,303 --> 00:00:29,973 It's been a really fun way to hang out with two of my sons. 12 00:00:30,006 --> 00:00:31,642 Food is just brain-fuel. 13 00:00:31,675 --> 00:00:33,310 My girlfriend Sicily makes nutrition bars 14 00:00:33,344 --> 00:00:34,811 so we can focus on what matters -- 15 00:00:34,845 --> 00:00:36,380 science and holding hands. 16 00:00:36,413 --> 00:00:37,548 You touch her knee yet? 17 00:00:37,581 --> 00:00:38,482 Shut up! 18 00:00:38,515 --> 00:00:40,451 Almost. 19 00:00:40,484 --> 00:00:42,486 Thank you for scheduling this dinner so late. 20 00:00:42,519 --> 00:00:44,788 I can't get out of the house while Maria's awake anymore. 21 00:00:44,821 --> 00:00:46,123 Sure you can. Use the door. 22 00:00:47,158 --> 00:00:49,326 No, she is just so clingy, 23 00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:51,295 she has a tantrum whenever I leave the room. 24 00:00:51,328 --> 00:00:52,429 Maria: Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy! 25 00:00:52,463 --> 00:00:53,930 It's okay, sweetie! 26 00:00:53,964 --> 00:00:55,432 Mommy's right here! 27 00:00:55,466 --> 00:00:57,468 She has a shy bladder, though, 28 00:00:57,501 --> 00:00:59,403 so the more you scream, the longer this'll take. 29 00:00:59,436 --> 00:01:01,272 Mommy, where are you? 30 00:01:02,373 --> 00:01:04,808 Honey, you have to start ignoring her. 31 00:01:04,841 --> 00:01:07,110 Teach her that she doesn't get attention by yelling. 32 00:01:07,144 --> 00:01:09,680 She only gets it through hard work and academic achievement. 33 00:01:09,713 --> 00:01:10,947 That worked with your boys? 34 00:01:10,981 --> 00:01:12,516 You ignored them and that fixed it? 35 00:01:12,549 --> 00:01:13,917 Oh, they never needed it. 36 00:01:13,950 --> 00:01:16,086 They're so independent, especially now. 37 00:01:16,119 --> 00:01:19,122 In fact, it's freed me up for... 38 00:01:20,857 --> 00:01:23,327 Hey! Eyes on me! 39 00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:25,496 I am pleased to announce that I will finally 40 00:01:25,529 --> 00:01:29,266 be recording an audiobook of my under-appreciated novel, 41 00:01:29,300 --> 00:01:32,803 "A Case of a Knife to the Brain." 42 00:01:32,836 --> 00:01:35,105 I'll be doing an R-rated version and an X-rated version. 43 00:01:35,138 --> 00:01:36,673 Ooh! 44 00:01:36,707 --> 00:01:38,775 You should've said all ea on you. 45 00:01:38,809 --> 00:01:40,377 It's an audiobook. 46 00:01:43,180 --> 00:01:45,649 -- Captions by VITAC -- 47 00:01:45,682 --> 00:01:46,817 * Fresh off the boat 48 00:01:46,850 --> 00:01:48,685 * I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go * 49 00:01:48,719 --> 00:01:50,821 * If you don't know, homey, now you know * 50 00:01:50,854 --> 00:01:52,155 * Fresh off the boat 51 00:01:52,189 --> 00:01:54,325 * Homey, you don't know where I come from * 52 00:01:54,358 --> 00:01:55,892 * But I know where I'm goin' 53 00:01:55,926 --> 00:01:58,395 * I'm fresh off the boat 54 00:02:00,531 --> 00:02:03,467 "As Jennifer Hong got up to the bazooka factory rafters, 55 00:02:03,500 --> 00:02:04,901 she saw a door. 56 00:02:04,935 --> 00:02:08,171 Her elegant fingers grasped the knob, turned the knob, 57 00:02:08,205 --> 00:02:09,740 and pulled the knob --" 58 00:02:11,007 --> 00:02:12,509 Ooh! Sorry, are you recording? 59 00:02:12,543 --> 00:02:13,043 Maria: Hi. 60 00:02:14,611 --> 00:02:16,813 Honey, why is there a child on your leg? 61 00:02:16,847 --> 00:02:19,550 I gave you perfect advice. She should be obedient by now. 62 00:02:19,583 --> 00:02:21,652 Actually, your advice worked too well. 63 00:02:21,685 --> 00:02:23,220 Oh, yes. My curse. 64 00:02:23,254 --> 00:02:24,755 I ignored her, and she calmed down, 65 00:02:24,788 --> 00:02:26,390 but then I started to miss 66 00:02:26,423 --> 00:02:28,592 all that clinginess and affection. 67 00:02:28,625 --> 00:02:30,227 Oh, yes. Your curse. 68 00:02:30,261 --> 00:02:33,897 I guess, but right now, she's my precious little girl. 69 00:02:33,930 --> 00:02:35,866 Don't you miss when your boys were this young? 70 00:02:35,899 --> 00:02:37,167 No. 71 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:38,502 I put in the work, 72 00:02:38,535 --> 00:02:41,238 and I taught them to study hard, feed themselves, 73 00:02:41,272 --> 00:02:43,874 so now I can focus on my own life again. 74 00:02:43,907 --> 00:02:44,841 Speaking of which... 75 00:02:46,443 --> 00:02:50,547 "And as the bazooka factory rafter door creaked open --" 76 00:02:52,916 --> 00:02:55,185 Wow, your door impression is incredible. 77 00:02:55,218 --> 00:02:57,120 That wasn't me. I can only do doors closing. 78 00:02:57,153 --> 00:02:58,755 I haven't mastered doors opening yet. 79 00:03:00,957 --> 00:03:02,526 Evan. What's wrong? 80 00:03:02,559 --> 00:03:04,261 Sicily broke up with me. 81 00:03:04,295 --> 00:03:06,430 Oh, my precious little boy! 82 00:03:06,463 --> 00:03:08,599 Come here! It's okay! 83 00:03:08,632 --> 00:03:10,767 I told you it's hard to ignore your children. 84 00:03:10,801 --> 00:03:12,569 This is totally different. 85 00:03:12,603 --> 00:03:14,971 This isn't a baby crying for more milk. 86 00:03:15,005 --> 00:03:16,740 This is a beautiful young man, 87 00:03:16,773 --> 00:03:20,110 who has been betrayed by an evil, ugly witch. 88 00:03:21,812 --> 00:03:23,580 Okay. Come on, Maria. 89 00:03:23,614 --> 00:03:24,648 Bye. 90 00:03:27,918 --> 00:03:31,555 I'm telling you, turducken is not Thanksgiving-exclusive. 91 00:03:31,588 --> 00:03:33,123 We could do it year-round. 92 00:03:33,156 --> 00:03:35,659 And I'm telling you -- I see "turd" on a restaurant menu? 93 00:03:35,692 --> 00:03:37,260 I'm eating somewhere else. 94 00:03:37,294 --> 00:03:38,462 Louis: We've got another one, boys! 95 00:03:38,495 --> 00:03:40,063 Looks like Burger Barrel thinks they have 96 00:03:40,096 --> 00:03:41,598 the "Best Burger in Orlando." 97 00:03:41,632 --> 00:03:43,467 Those suckers don't know what they're in for. 98 00:03:43,500 --> 00:03:45,101 You mean when you buy their food and talk about it? 99 00:03:45,135 --> 00:03:47,438 Trent, just... Okay? 100 00:03:47,471 --> 00:03:49,973 Hey, boss, think I could get in on the action this time? 101 00:03:50,006 --> 00:03:51,408 Oh, sorry, Chestnut, 102 00:03:51,442 --> 00:03:53,644 but this is more of a Huang-boys-only thing. 103 00:03:53,677 --> 00:03:55,245 Alright. Yeah. 104 00:03:55,278 --> 00:03:56,613 I guess you would have to adopt me. 105 00:03:56,647 --> 00:03:58,815 Which would be crazy, right? 106 00:03:58,849 --> 00:03:59,716 Right? 107 00:04:00,784 --> 00:04:03,086 Whoa, no bacon bits? 108 00:04:03,119 --> 00:04:04,988 I get it, saving space for the beef. 109 00:04:05,021 --> 00:04:06,022 Smart. 110 00:04:06,056 --> 00:04:07,591 I could learn from you. 111 00:04:07,624 --> 00:04:10,827 Well, actually... 112 00:04:12,162 --> 00:04:14,631 Look, I wasn't sure how to say this before, 113 00:04:14,665 --> 00:04:17,033 but I was watching PBS, and there was this documentary 114 00:04:17,067 --> 00:04:18,335 called "Fatal Farming." 115 00:04:18,369 --> 00:04:19,970 Long story short... 116 00:04:20,003 --> 00:04:22,706 God, why is this so hard? 117 00:04:22,739 --> 00:04:24,775 The thing is... 118 00:04:24,808 --> 00:04:26,176 I'm vegan now. 119 00:04:28,512 --> 00:04:29,613 A vegan? 120 00:04:29,646 --> 00:04:30,814 No. 121 00:04:30,847 --> 00:04:34,885 No boss's son of mine is gonna be a stinkin' vegan! 122 00:04:36,086 --> 00:04:37,554 Here I am, ready to give my left chestnut 123 00:04:37,588 --> 00:04:38,722 to be a Burger Boy, 124 00:04:38,755 --> 00:04:40,357 and you're gonna give a spot to this little... 125 00:04:40,391 --> 00:04:41,558 leaf-muncher?! 126 00:04:41,592 --> 00:04:42,859 It's disgusting! 127 00:04:42,893 --> 00:04:44,495 Whoa, you need to cool down! Oh, I need to cool down! 128 00:04:46,096 --> 00:04:47,531 I'm sorry, boss. 129 00:04:47,564 --> 00:04:48,965 You never think it'll be your kid. 130 00:04:48,999 --> 00:04:50,667 Sorry, just playing catch-up here, 131 00:04:50,701 --> 00:04:51,835 but what's a vegan? 132 00:04:51,868 --> 00:04:53,570 It's like a vegetarian, except you don't eat 133 00:04:53,604 --> 00:04:55,138 any animal products, not just meat. 134 00:04:55,171 --> 00:04:58,008 So no dairy, no eggs -- 135 00:04:58,041 --> 00:04:59,876 Wait, what about candy? Can you still eat candy? 136 00:04:59,910 --> 00:05:02,513 Guys, this doesn't have to be a whole thing. 137 00:05:02,546 --> 00:05:04,415 I don't need to eat burgers to be a Burger Boy. 138 00:05:04,448 --> 00:05:05,816 It'll still be fun to hang out. 139 00:05:05,849 --> 00:05:07,418 Emery's right. 140 00:05:07,451 --> 00:05:09,553 Nothing has to change. I'm sure it'll all be fine. 141 00:05:09,586 --> 00:05:10,721 Yeah, you're probably right. 142 00:05:10,754 --> 00:05:11,988 It'll be totally fine, 143 00:05:12,022 --> 00:05:13,657 like when my sister Tiffany stopped drinking. 144 00:05:13,690 --> 00:05:16,493 Huh. I didn't know you had a sister named Tiffany. 145 00:05:16,527 --> 00:05:18,361 We don't talk about her because she stopped being fun. 146 00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:26,236 Do we have any Gatorade? 147 00:05:26,269 --> 00:05:28,605 My new boyfriend's a lot of fun. 148 00:05:28,639 --> 00:05:30,407 No, and keep it down. 149 00:05:30,441 --> 00:05:33,376 Evan's had a tough day, and he's trying to sleep. 150 00:05:33,410 --> 00:05:35,746 You're giving Evan too much attention. 151 00:05:35,779 --> 00:05:38,582 What about the advice you gave blondie? 152 00:05:38,615 --> 00:05:40,050 Jenny, you eavesdrop too much. 153 00:05:40,083 --> 00:05:41,618 One day, it's gonna come back and bite you. 154 00:05:41,652 --> 00:05:43,219 The last thing that tried to bite me 155 00:05:43,253 --> 00:05:45,055 is waiting in the garage. 156 00:05:45,088 --> 00:05:48,058 Maria is a toddler, Evan is a teenager. 157 00:05:48,091 --> 00:05:49,593 It's different. Give him a day. 158 00:05:49,626 --> 00:05:51,261 Tomorrow he'll be back to normal. 159 00:05:51,294 --> 00:05:52,696 I got to get back. 160 00:05:52,729 --> 00:05:56,132 And don't come in no matter how much I yell "help." 161 00:05:58,435 --> 00:05:59,770 Mommy, I had a bad dream. 162 00:05:59,803 --> 00:06:01,438 Oh, it was just your grandmother. 163 00:06:01,472 --> 00:06:02,606 Shh. 164 00:06:07,143 --> 00:06:08,545 Uh...sorry. 165 00:06:08,579 --> 00:06:09,746 Are you sure this is okay? 166 00:06:09,780 --> 00:06:10,781 Not too weird? 167 00:06:10,814 --> 00:06:12,415 Not at all. 168 00:06:12,449 --> 00:06:14,818 I'm loaded on vitamin B12 with all these fresh vegetables. 169 00:06:14,851 --> 00:06:16,086 I'm in a great mood. 170 00:06:16,119 --> 00:06:17,654 Is it just me, 171 00:06:17,688 --> 00:06:19,823 or is tofu at a burger joint a real bummer? 172 00:06:19,856 --> 00:06:22,025 It's like a cat at a dog show. Disrespectful. 173 00:06:23,460 --> 00:06:26,830 Two Double-Barrel Burgers for you. 174 00:06:26,863 --> 00:06:31,468 And a seltzer for the boy who brought in outside food. 175 00:06:31,502 --> 00:06:33,136 Thanks. 176 00:06:33,169 --> 00:06:34,104 Well... 177 00:06:37,107 --> 00:06:38,241 Oh. 178 00:06:45,148 --> 00:06:47,083 We finally found the one burger 179 00:06:47,117 --> 00:06:48,619 the Hamburglar wouldn't steal. 180 00:06:48,652 --> 00:06:50,286 You can tell these were frozen. 181 00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:51,522 Burrrr-ger. 182 00:06:51,555 --> 00:06:52,589 Boom! Got 'em! 183 00:06:54,491 --> 00:06:55,759 Umm... 184 00:06:55,792 --> 00:06:58,028 Are you sure you don't want to try it? 185 00:06:58,061 --> 00:07:00,697 So you can see how bad it is? One bite won't kill you. 186 00:07:00,731 --> 00:07:02,132 First of all, you don't know that. What if I choke? 187 00:07:02,165 --> 00:07:04,467 Second, I'm serious about my veganism, Dad. 188 00:07:04,501 --> 00:07:05,502 But you two should enjoy. 189 00:07:07,638 --> 00:07:09,305 You know, maybe we just call it. 190 00:07:09,339 --> 00:07:10,306 There's something about this place 191 00:07:10,340 --> 00:07:12,008 that isn't as fun as I thought. 192 00:07:12,042 --> 00:07:13,677 Oh, that reminds me. 193 00:07:13,710 --> 00:07:15,512 There's this vegan restaurant, Cafe Fiona, that says 194 00:07:15,546 --> 00:07:17,781 they have the Best Veggie Burger in Orlando. 195 00:07:17,814 --> 00:07:19,516 Whaddaya say we put 'em in their place, huh? 196 00:07:20,984 --> 00:07:22,719 Oh, wow, yeah. Cool. Can't wait. 197 00:07:22,753 --> 00:07:24,120 You're not gonna like the price, 198 00:07:24,154 --> 00:07:26,056 but that's what it costs to make a patty out of beans. 199 00:07:26,089 --> 00:07:27,123 And bun out of beans. 200 00:07:27,157 --> 00:07:29,059 And cheese out of beans. 201 00:07:29,092 --> 00:07:31,728 And the parking's valet-only. 202 00:07:34,598 --> 00:07:36,533 Soothes the vocal cords... 203 00:07:36,567 --> 00:07:38,134 and boosts fertility? 204 00:07:38,168 --> 00:07:40,503 Just do one thing well. 205 00:07:40,537 --> 00:07:43,874 Oh, you're looking refreshed, how are you feeling? 206 00:07:43,907 --> 00:07:45,576 Better. 207 00:07:45,609 --> 00:07:47,177 Spending time with you always makes me feel better, Mommy. 208 00:07:47,210 --> 00:07:49,079 Great. That's solved. 209 00:07:50,681 --> 00:07:54,117 My cords are soothed. It's time. 210 00:08:00,557 --> 00:08:02,693 What's happening? What -- What is this? 211 00:08:02,726 --> 00:08:04,761 Spending yesterday together felt so good, 212 00:08:04,795 --> 00:08:05,996 I thought, why not do it again? 213 00:08:06,029 --> 00:08:08,765 Oh. Another day of that. 214 00:08:08,799 --> 00:08:11,401 Hm. Okay, I guess you can observe my process. 215 00:08:11,434 --> 00:08:12,535 Hm. 216 00:08:29,419 --> 00:08:31,121 Out you go. You're gonna miss the bus. Are you gonna be waiting here when I get home? 217 00:08:32,322 --> 00:08:33,223 I promise. Which room? 218 00:08:33,256 --> 00:08:34,591 Uhp, the door's closing. 219 00:08:38,428 --> 00:08:39,529 Jessica, you were right -- 220 00:08:39,562 --> 00:08:41,464 you make a perfect door-closing sound. 221 00:08:41,497 --> 00:08:43,800 I can make the perfect ass-kissing sound. 222 00:08:45,135 --> 00:08:47,604 Evan is more clingy than ever. 223 00:08:47,638 --> 00:08:49,606 I thought I raised him to be the perfect machine. 224 00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:52,375 But I didn't account for one thing -- love. 225 00:08:52,408 --> 00:08:54,377 Now he's turned on his creator. 226 00:08:54,410 --> 00:08:55,646 Like the "Terminator." 227 00:08:55,679 --> 00:08:57,714 I need a plan. 228 00:08:57,748 --> 00:08:59,650 How do you fix someone who's just been dumped? 229 00:08:59,683 --> 00:09:01,051 I really wish I could help, 230 00:09:01,084 --> 00:09:03,153 but I've actually never had my heart broken. 231 00:09:03,186 --> 00:09:05,288 My nicknames in high school were "Honey the Heartbreaker" 232 00:09:05,321 --> 00:09:07,924 and another I just realized I shouldn't tell you guys. 233 00:09:07,958 --> 00:09:10,293 I've never had my heart broken either. 234 00:09:10,326 --> 00:09:12,462 One guy tried, but he woke up the next morning 235 00:09:12,495 --> 00:09:14,264 with his mattress floating down the Potomac. 236 00:09:14,297 --> 00:09:15,966 Embarrassing for a senator. 237 00:09:15,999 --> 00:09:17,333 I always do the dumping. 238 00:09:17,367 --> 00:09:19,936 I've dumped 14 boyfriends this year. 239 00:09:19,970 --> 00:09:22,138 Hey, babe. 240 00:09:22,172 --> 00:09:23,273 You wanted to talk? 241 00:09:24,340 --> 00:09:26,076 Time to make it 15. 242 00:09:26,109 --> 00:09:28,845 Let's do this in the garage. 243 00:09:28,879 --> 00:09:29,846 Hmm? 244 00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:31,281 Okay. The garage. 245 00:09:33,850 --> 00:09:35,418 That's it. 246 00:09:35,451 --> 00:09:38,254 I just need to talk to some duds who've been dumped. 247 00:09:38,288 --> 00:09:39,656 Did Jenny get a nurse? 248 00:09:41,191 --> 00:09:42,525 What just happened? 249 00:09:42,558 --> 00:09:43,694 Dud. 250 00:09:45,161 --> 00:09:46,029 * Send me on my way 251 00:09:46,062 --> 00:09:47,363 * On my way 252 00:09:47,397 --> 00:09:48,164 * Send me on my way 253 00:09:48,198 --> 00:09:48,999 * On my way 254 00:09:49,032 --> 00:09:50,266 * Send me on my way 255 00:09:50,300 --> 00:09:51,034 * On my way 256 00:09:51,067 --> 00:09:52,435 * Send me on my way 257 00:09:52,468 --> 00:09:53,203 * On my way 258 00:09:53,236 --> 00:09:54,304 * Send me on my way 259 00:09:54,337 --> 00:09:55,872 A lot of hemp on these vegans. 260 00:09:55,906 --> 00:09:57,774 Cashier: Number 50! Your food's sprouted! 261 00:09:57,808 --> 00:09:59,342 That's us! 262 00:09:59,375 --> 00:10:00,476 50? 263 00:10:00,510 --> 00:10:02,813 You mean 49 other people ordered this crap? 264 00:10:02,846 --> 00:10:04,014 I can't believe we're stuck here 265 00:10:04,047 --> 00:10:05,982 instead of trying Leroy's Burger Town. 266 00:10:06,016 --> 00:10:07,117 Did you see their ad? 267 00:10:07,150 --> 00:10:08,952 I did. Scrambled eggs in a burger patty? 268 00:10:08,985 --> 00:10:11,722 Sounds terrible, but also maybe amazing? 269 00:10:11,755 --> 00:10:12,522 Who knows? 270 00:10:12,555 --> 00:10:14,657 Not us. 271 00:10:14,691 --> 00:10:17,060 But we can't eat that around Emery. It's too weird. 272 00:10:17,093 --> 00:10:19,029 Look, it'll all be fine. 273 00:10:19,062 --> 00:10:20,463 He's probably just going through a phase. 274 00:10:20,496 --> 00:10:21,497 You know how he's been. 275 00:10:21,531 --> 00:10:23,466 Gentlemen, ready your wit. 276 00:10:23,499 --> 00:10:26,703 The "Best Veggie Burger in Orlando" is served! 277 00:10:26,737 --> 00:10:28,705 Wait, it's just veggie stuff? 278 00:10:28,739 --> 00:10:30,073 Not like, a veggie/beef mix? 279 00:10:30,106 --> 00:10:32,876 Wait, I have my shoe bologna! 280 00:10:32,909 --> 00:10:34,978 Oh, damn it. I ate it in the car. 281 00:10:40,583 --> 00:10:42,052 Ugh! This tastes like cardboard 282 00:10:42,085 --> 00:10:43,319 that was left out in the rain. 283 00:10:43,353 --> 00:10:45,521 There's definitely dirt in here. 284 00:10:45,555 --> 00:10:47,257 And it might be on purpose. 285 00:10:48,591 --> 00:10:50,026 What if this isn't a phase? 286 00:10:51,762 --> 00:10:54,030 You can really taste the chickpea husks. 287 00:10:54,064 --> 00:10:55,298 Thank you, Mother Earth, right? 288 00:10:58,268 --> 00:11:00,236 Welcome, heartbroken flops. 289 00:11:00,270 --> 00:11:01,704 Thank you for meeting with me here today. 290 00:11:01,738 --> 00:11:04,074 Yeah. Sure thing. Always a pleasure. Sup. 291 00:11:04,107 --> 00:11:06,242 You're all here because you've been dumped before -- 292 00:11:06,276 --> 00:11:07,778 some, I'm assuming, more than others. 293 00:11:07,811 --> 00:11:09,079 Guilty! 294 00:11:09,112 --> 00:11:11,081 But you've all managed to bounce back 295 00:11:11,114 --> 00:11:14,517 and become mostly functioning adults. 296 00:11:14,550 --> 00:11:15,618 How? 297 00:11:15,651 --> 00:11:16,887 Marvin? 298 00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:18,288 Oh, well, I just rebounded 299 00:11:18,321 --> 00:11:20,190 the way my father taught me -- 300 00:11:20,223 --> 00:11:21,691 move south and date younger. 301 00:11:21,724 --> 00:11:24,027 My high-school sweetheart was a 50-year-old in Maine. 302 00:11:24,060 --> 00:11:26,997 "Marvin -- useless." 303 00:11:27,764 --> 00:11:29,399 Never thought these words would come out of my mouth, 304 00:11:29,432 --> 00:11:31,868 but, Matthew Chestnut, please speak. 305 00:11:31,902 --> 00:11:33,369 Well, uh, let me tell ya -- 306 00:11:33,403 --> 00:11:36,973 me and Madam Heartbreak go way, way back. 307 00:11:37,007 --> 00:11:38,241 I hate you. 308 00:11:38,274 --> 00:11:40,376 But every time she does pay me a visit, 309 00:11:40,410 --> 00:11:41,912 I just crack open a bottle of whiskey, 310 00:11:41,945 --> 00:11:43,446 put on an old Western, 311 00:11:43,479 --> 00:11:47,884 and weep until my eyes are as dry as the desert sands. 312 00:11:47,918 --> 00:11:50,053 Spoken like a man who's never been to the desert. 313 00:11:50,086 --> 00:11:52,488 Y'know, it's truly amazing how many tears 314 00:11:52,522 --> 00:11:53,924 one man can produce in a single month. 315 00:11:55,191 --> 00:11:56,927 "Never talk to Chestnut again." 316 00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:59,495 Alright, tank-top. 317 00:11:59,529 --> 00:12:00,596 Prove your worth. 318 00:12:00,630 --> 00:12:02,432 Hmm? What? 319 00:12:02,465 --> 00:12:03,733 I-I'm sorry. Marvin: Go, man. 320 00:12:03,766 --> 00:12:05,301 This hangover is killing me. 321 00:12:05,335 --> 00:12:06,502 I-I had a wild night out 322 00:12:06,536 --> 00:12:08,438 with the boys last night, y'know? 323 00:12:08,471 --> 00:12:10,841 Jackson bought some shots, Trey invited some babes, 324 00:12:10,874 --> 00:12:13,443 Cody did some sick backflips. 325 00:12:13,476 --> 00:12:15,245 By the end of the night I had forgotten 326 00:12:15,278 --> 00:12:17,914 about your mother-in-law -- and my home address. 327 00:12:17,948 --> 00:12:20,283 You know, unlike your choice in women, 328 00:12:20,316 --> 00:12:22,052 that idea is not half-bad. 329 00:12:23,186 --> 00:12:25,288 A party could get Evan off my back 330 00:12:25,321 --> 00:12:26,923 and might help him get over his break-up. 331 00:12:26,957 --> 00:12:27,824 Hmm. Hmm. 332 00:12:27,858 --> 00:12:29,192 Hmm. 333 00:12:29,225 --> 00:12:30,260 Okay, I just have to ask. 334 00:12:30,293 --> 00:12:31,494 I grew up in Bangor. 335 00:12:31,527 --> 00:12:33,629 Was she a thin woman with glasses? 336 00:12:33,663 --> 00:12:35,098 No. 337 00:12:35,131 --> 00:12:38,268 She was a tub of clam chowder with perfect vision. 338 00:12:38,301 --> 00:12:39,802 Whew! 339 00:12:41,571 --> 00:12:42,638 "She sipped her coffee." 340 00:12:43,907 --> 00:12:45,508 "The clock ticked. 341 00:12:45,541 --> 00:12:47,443 Seconds turned into minutes. 342 00:12:47,477 --> 00:12:48,845 Minutes turned into hours. 343 00:12:48,879 --> 00:12:50,646 Hours turned into days. 344 00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:52,115 Days turned into weeks. 345 00:12:52,148 --> 00:12:53,483 She flagged down the waitress. 346 00:12:53,516 --> 00:12:54,484 'More coffee?' 347 00:12:54,517 --> 00:12:56,019 One cup turned into two. 348 00:12:56,052 --> 00:12:57,187 Two cups turned into three --" 349 00:12:57,220 --> 00:12:58,621 Evan: Mommy! 350 00:12:58,654 --> 00:13:01,057 I forgot how bad the school cafeteria food is. 351 00:13:01,091 --> 00:13:02,658 Can you please make me a healthy snack? 352 00:13:02,692 --> 00:13:03,726 Please, Mommy? 353 00:13:03,759 --> 00:13:05,461 Maybe in a bit, but first 354 00:13:05,495 --> 00:13:08,664 I have a different, original idea of my own. 355 00:13:08,698 --> 00:13:10,500 Call your friends and tell them you're having a sleepover! 356 00:13:10,533 --> 00:13:12,235 But you said sleepovers are just a scam 357 00:13:12,268 --> 00:13:13,369 to get free babysitting. 358 00:13:13,403 --> 00:13:15,538 They are, but I'll make an exception. 359 00:13:15,571 --> 00:13:17,173 You're the best, Mommy! 360 00:13:17,207 --> 00:13:18,541 I'll go call people right now. 361 00:13:18,574 --> 00:13:20,743 And you'll do this... without me? 362 00:13:20,776 --> 00:13:22,745 Sure! 363 00:13:24,414 --> 00:13:27,918 "Three cups turned into four. 364 00:13:27,951 --> 00:13:29,986 Four cups turned into five. 365 00:13:30,020 --> 00:13:32,355 She asked for the bathroom code. 366 00:13:32,388 --> 00:13:37,160 It was 9-7-2-5-3-1-8-0 --" 367 00:13:37,193 --> 00:13:38,061 Mom? 368 00:13:38,094 --> 00:13:40,330 Damn it, Emery! 369 00:13:40,363 --> 00:13:42,532 She was just about to meet Gorbachev in the bathroom! 370 00:13:42,565 --> 00:13:45,001 Have you seen Eddie and Dad? I can't find them anywhere. 371 00:13:45,035 --> 00:13:47,770 Well, they said something about going to Leroy's Burger Town. 372 00:13:47,803 --> 00:13:50,106 Wait, they went to Leroy's Burger Town without me? 373 00:13:50,140 --> 00:13:52,508 Are you at Leroy's Burger Town right now? 374 00:13:52,542 --> 00:13:53,576 No. 375 00:13:53,609 --> 00:13:54,610 Well... 376 00:13:58,614 --> 00:14:00,083 They call this a burger?! 377 00:14:00,116 --> 00:14:02,785 More like a...a booger. 378 00:14:02,818 --> 00:14:03,853 Sandwich. 379 00:14:03,886 --> 00:14:05,521 Cooked not good. 380 00:14:05,555 --> 00:14:07,523 Don't force it. There's a lot to figure out. 381 00:14:07,557 --> 00:14:08,959 You're eating, you're talking. 382 00:14:08,992 --> 00:14:10,426 Just slow down. You'll find it. 383 00:14:10,460 --> 00:14:12,929 I know, I know. I'm just so eager to please. 384 00:14:12,963 --> 00:14:14,931 We're pleased, man. Pleased you're here. 385 00:14:16,132 --> 00:14:17,800 You're sneaking off without me? 386 00:14:17,833 --> 00:14:19,069 And you invited Trent? 387 00:14:19,102 --> 00:14:20,703 What happened to Huang boys only? 388 00:14:20,736 --> 00:14:22,138 Well, what happened to eating meat? 389 00:14:22,172 --> 00:14:23,373 It hurts the animals! 390 00:14:23,406 --> 00:14:25,208 Of course it does! It's meat! 391 00:14:25,241 --> 00:14:27,210 Hey, I'm not the one that owes an explanation here. 392 00:14:27,243 --> 00:14:29,612 Look, I'm sorry. I didn't know. Not you, Trent! 393 00:14:29,645 --> 00:14:31,481 I don't know you that well, but you seem very nice! 394 00:14:32,582 --> 00:14:34,150 Well, since you two clearly didn't want me here, 395 00:14:34,184 --> 00:14:35,518 I guess I'll just go. 396 00:14:38,288 --> 00:14:39,755 That's right, everyone! 397 00:14:39,789 --> 00:14:41,224 Get your stares in now! 398 00:14:41,257 --> 00:14:43,793 We're all dealing with something! 399 00:14:46,529 --> 00:14:49,632 Alright, Zack -- Truth or Math? 400 00:14:49,665 --> 00:14:50,967 Truth. 401 00:14:52,268 --> 00:14:53,903 Alright, boys, I'm gonna leave now. 402 00:14:53,936 --> 00:14:55,238 You sure you're all okay? 403 00:14:55,271 --> 00:14:56,472 Evan, you're good? 404 00:14:56,506 --> 00:14:57,974 Yes, Mommy. Now please go. 405 00:14:58,008 --> 00:14:59,742 Zack picked "truth." 406 00:14:59,775 --> 00:15:02,278 We're in uncharted territory, and it's gonna get weird. 407 00:15:04,380 --> 00:15:06,116 Well, then? C'mon. 408 00:15:06,149 --> 00:15:07,984 Who would you rather kiss -- 409 00:15:08,018 --> 00:15:09,485 my mom or Jeff's mom? 410 00:15:09,519 --> 00:15:11,021 Ooh. 411 00:15:11,054 --> 00:15:13,256 Do you have a 5? 412 00:15:13,289 --> 00:15:14,524 Go fish. 413 00:15:14,557 --> 00:15:16,526 We've played the whole deck. 414 00:15:16,559 --> 00:15:17,760 I know you have a 5. 415 00:15:17,793 --> 00:15:19,195 Go fish. 416 00:15:20,196 --> 00:15:22,265 I hate to admit it, but your ex 417 00:15:22,298 --> 00:15:23,599 had some good advice 418 00:15:23,633 --> 00:15:27,103 about distracting Evan with his "wild night." 419 00:15:27,137 --> 00:15:30,140 I don't mean to be rude, but you weren't paying that guy? 420 00:15:30,173 --> 00:15:31,874 Not with money. 421 00:15:32,708 --> 00:15:34,510 Oh, it's so nice 422 00:15:34,544 --> 00:15:37,780 to finally be able to have some time to myself! 423 00:15:37,813 --> 00:15:39,782 Evan was driving me nuts, 424 00:15:39,815 --> 00:15:43,653 always following me around with the "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" 425 00:15:43,686 --> 00:15:46,156 The clinginess was just too much. 426 00:15:47,490 --> 00:15:48,858 Just getting some juice. 427 00:15:48,891 --> 00:15:50,060 Hopefully it's not too much. 428 00:15:57,900 --> 00:15:59,569 Oops, there I go again. 429 00:15:59,602 --> 00:16:00,836 Too much. 430 00:16:00,870 --> 00:16:02,338 She gets it, Evan! 431 00:16:02,372 --> 00:16:04,474 You're just wasting juice! 432 00:16:10,213 --> 00:16:12,382 Well, I guess I'll leave you be, 433 00:16:12,415 --> 00:16:14,550 now that you "finally have time for yourself." 434 00:16:14,584 --> 00:16:15,851 Look, Evan, I don't know 435 00:16:15,885 --> 00:16:17,653 what you think you heard, but I wasn't -- 436 00:16:17,687 --> 00:16:19,089 Let's check the tapes. 437 00:16:19,122 --> 00:16:21,357 You were recording? 438 00:16:21,391 --> 00:16:24,527 Jessica: Evan was driving me nuts, always following me around 439 00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:26,562 with the "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" 440 00:16:27,430 --> 00:16:29,332 Nobody learned from Watergate. 441 00:16:29,365 --> 00:16:31,101 Look, Evan, I wasn't -- 442 00:16:31,134 --> 00:16:32,668 Don't worry, Mommy. 443 00:16:32,702 --> 00:16:34,337 What's a few more cracks in this broken heart of mine? 444 00:16:40,643 --> 00:16:42,178 It'll be okay, Jessica. 445 00:16:42,212 --> 00:16:44,514 I mean, parents are allowed to mess up once in a while. 446 00:16:44,547 --> 00:16:46,782 Marvin gave Maria coffee yesterday. 447 00:16:46,816 --> 00:16:48,851 I've never messed up like this before. 448 00:16:48,884 --> 00:16:50,620 He'll come back. They all do. 449 00:16:50,653 --> 00:16:53,589 Louis still comes to me for motherly support. 450 00:16:53,623 --> 00:16:54,957 Really? 451 00:16:54,990 --> 00:16:57,026 Interesting. 452 00:16:57,059 --> 00:16:59,028 Honey: It's not that Marvin isn't satisfying in bed. 453 00:16:59,061 --> 00:17:01,297 It's just, I don't have the stamina to keep up. Okay, Jenny, that's enough. 454 00:17:02,565 --> 00:17:03,433 Hey, Emery. 455 00:17:03,466 --> 00:17:04,634 Look, about earlier -- 456 00:17:04,667 --> 00:17:05,968 Yeah, about earlier indeed! 457 00:17:06,001 --> 00:17:07,803 I can't believe you picked undercooked meat blood 458 00:17:07,837 --> 00:17:09,105 over your own flesh and blood. 459 00:17:09,139 --> 00:17:10,606 Well, I got news for you, kid. 460 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:13,276 I run a steakhouse! That's how we survive! 461 00:17:13,309 --> 00:17:14,810 Meat paid for the clothes on your back, 462 00:17:14,844 --> 00:17:15,945 meat paid for your bed, 463 00:17:15,978 --> 00:17:17,247 meat paid for your commemorative coins! 464 00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:19,081 Your life was built on meat! 465 00:17:19,115 --> 00:17:20,716 Yeah, what's the deal, Emery? 466 00:17:20,750 --> 00:17:22,118 You too good for meat now or what? 467 00:17:22,152 --> 00:17:23,419 If you're too good for meat, 468 00:17:23,453 --> 00:17:25,288 I guess you're too good for...this alarm clock! 469 00:17:25,321 --> 00:17:27,056 And this journal! 470 00:17:27,089 --> 00:17:29,091 And this...bowl of... 471 00:17:29,125 --> 00:17:30,560 loose batteries. 472 00:17:30,593 --> 00:17:31,894 You know what, Dad? 473 00:17:31,927 --> 00:17:33,729 I never judged you for eating and selling meat. 474 00:17:33,763 --> 00:17:34,897 I respected you. 475 00:17:34,930 --> 00:17:37,933 And all I wanted was some respect in return. 476 00:17:40,503 --> 00:17:42,672 Hey, is this sleepover still happening? 477 00:17:42,705 --> 00:17:45,608 Yeah, because if not, uh, that would actually be a relief. 478 00:17:45,641 --> 00:17:49,479 I need my home bathroom to... do what I need to do. 479 00:17:51,947 --> 00:17:54,116 I know I'm on your bed, but it's not because I'm clingy. 480 00:17:54,150 --> 00:17:55,518 There was just nowhere else to go. 481 00:17:55,551 --> 00:17:58,254 Evan, I felt awful for hurting you. 482 00:17:58,288 --> 00:17:59,422 I didn't know what to do, 483 00:17:59,455 --> 00:18:01,491 so I called my mom to talk about it. 484 00:18:01,524 --> 00:18:03,826 Did she go on a rant about how annoying you are? 485 00:18:03,859 --> 00:18:06,162 Actually, she sent me straight to voicemail. 486 00:18:06,196 --> 00:18:08,164 But the fact that I wanted to call her 487 00:18:08,198 --> 00:18:09,765 made me realize something -- 488 00:18:09,799 --> 00:18:13,669 sometimes a kid just needs their mom. 489 00:18:13,703 --> 00:18:16,172 Unless your mom's a hamster. They eat their babies. 490 00:18:16,206 --> 00:18:18,774 So you figured out Cool Ranch Jr. didn't move to Seattle? 491 00:18:18,808 --> 00:18:19,675 Yeah. 492 00:18:19,709 --> 00:18:20,843 Did Eddie? 493 00:18:20,876 --> 00:18:22,212 No. And I won't tell him. 494 00:18:23,813 --> 00:18:26,216 You're always so perfect, I sometimes forget 495 00:18:26,249 --> 00:18:28,451 it doesn't mean you won't struggle. 496 00:18:28,484 --> 00:18:31,354 I was glad I could be here to help you -- 497 00:18:31,387 --> 00:18:32,888 because I know I won't always be. 498 00:18:32,922 --> 00:18:34,290 Oh, no. Are you dying? 499 00:18:34,324 --> 00:18:35,625 What about the prophecy? 500 00:18:35,658 --> 00:18:36,826 What? No. 501 00:18:36,859 --> 00:18:38,194 I'm talking about when you go off to college. 502 00:18:38,228 --> 00:18:40,062 The psychic's prediction is still true. 503 00:18:40,095 --> 00:18:41,731 Mommy will outlive you all. 504 00:18:41,764 --> 00:18:43,199 Oh, thank God. 505 00:18:43,233 --> 00:18:46,135 Please sing at my funeral. You have a lovely voice. 506 00:18:46,168 --> 00:18:48,070 It was wrong of me to get annoyed at you 507 00:18:48,103 --> 00:18:50,172 just for needing my support. 508 00:18:50,206 --> 00:18:52,408 Getting over heartbreak takes time. 509 00:18:52,442 --> 00:18:53,843 Or so I've heard. 510 00:18:53,876 --> 00:18:56,312 I guess I might have been overdoing it a bit. 511 00:18:56,346 --> 00:18:58,180 And also, I started to hear myself, 512 00:18:58,214 --> 00:19:00,049 and all that "Mommy" is a bit much. 513 00:19:00,082 --> 00:19:01,984 From now on, you can be "Mother." 514 00:19:02,017 --> 00:19:04,654 Mm, just call me "Mom." 515 00:19:04,687 --> 00:19:07,189 It's the easiest thing to scream when you're being kidnapped. 516 00:19:10,293 --> 00:19:12,428 I got the weird invitation you slid under my door. 517 00:19:12,462 --> 00:19:14,397 Your handwriting is really bad, Eddie. 518 00:19:14,430 --> 00:19:15,931 Look, you're still upset. 519 00:19:15,965 --> 00:19:17,433 We've all been saying things we don't mean -- 520 00:19:17,467 --> 00:19:18,668 No, it's bad. 521 00:19:18,701 --> 00:19:20,202 You should know which way an "E" faces by now. 522 00:19:20,236 --> 00:19:21,404 We have computers. Who cares?! 523 00:19:21,437 --> 00:19:23,839 Look, we're sorry. 524 00:19:23,873 --> 00:19:25,074 We messed up big time. 525 00:19:25,107 --> 00:19:27,109 You did. You did do that. 526 00:19:27,142 --> 00:19:29,178 And we're sorry we bounced you out of the Burger Boys. 527 00:19:29,211 --> 00:19:30,613 We really did like hanging out. 528 00:19:30,646 --> 00:19:32,014 I mean, look at this trio. 529 00:19:32,047 --> 00:19:34,116 How often are the three of us a thing? 530 00:19:34,149 --> 00:19:36,619 It was never supposed to be about burgers. It was about bonding. 531 00:19:36,652 --> 00:19:38,388 It was hard for me not to see you going vegan 532 00:19:38,421 --> 00:19:39,622 as a judgment on me. 533 00:19:39,655 --> 00:19:41,591 You don't claim to be the best in town, 534 00:19:41,624 --> 00:19:42,958 so I'd never judge you. 535 00:19:42,992 --> 00:19:44,460 Thanks. 536 00:19:44,494 --> 00:19:46,362 Now, we did invite you to Cattleman's for a reason. 537 00:19:46,396 --> 00:19:47,963 We put our heads together and made you 538 00:19:47,997 --> 00:19:49,432 a good veggie burger -- 539 00:19:49,465 --> 00:19:51,033 not like that crap from the restaurant. 540 00:19:51,066 --> 00:19:52,602 Thanks, guys. 541 00:20:01,611 --> 00:20:03,245 So? What do you think? 542 00:20:04,614 --> 00:20:06,616 Wow, it's, uh... 543 00:20:06,649 --> 00:20:08,083 in my mouth. 544 00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:13,956 "As he knelt over his lover's pale, lifeless body 545 00:20:13,989 --> 00:20:17,827 he took her pale, lifeless hands in his darker, alive hands. 546 00:20:17,860 --> 00:20:19,462 He turned his neck upward 547 00:20:19,495 --> 00:20:21,263 and screamed to the heavens..." 548 00:20:21,297 --> 00:20:23,666 Whyyyy?! How could this have happened?! 549 00:20:23,699 --> 00:20:24,967 My heart has been broken!! 550 00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:26,101 Sicily!! 551 00:20:26,135 --> 00:20:27,737 Whew! 552 00:20:27,770 --> 00:20:30,306 Sorry, this is way more therapeutic than I thought. 553 00:20:30,340 --> 00:20:32,274 I'm glad it's helping, but just so you know, 554 00:20:32,308 --> 00:20:34,344 you're not making any royalties from this. 555 00:20:34,377 --> 00:20:35,277 I know, Mom. 556 00:20:37,780 --> 00:20:40,350 "He turned his neck upward, then screamed to the heavens..." 557 00:20:50,460 --> 00:20:51,661 Thank you for such a lovely date, Jenny. 558 00:20:51,694 --> 00:20:53,195 What the hell? 559 00:20:53,228 --> 00:20:55,264 You really do know your "Matlock" trivia. 560 00:20:55,297 --> 00:20:57,333 Color me impressed. 561 00:20:57,367 --> 00:21:00,035 And you really know how to talk over the best parts. 562 00:21:08,177 --> 00:21:09,545 Heard there was an opening in the Burger Boys 563 00:21:09,579 --> 00:21:12,047 and you skipped over me for your little golden boy Trent. 564 00:21:12,081 --> 00:21:14,450 So now I'm dating your mother. 565 00:21:14,484 --> 00:21:15,651 It's your move, boss. 566 00:21:18,421 --> 00:21:21,056 You employ some odd people, Dad. 567 00:21:21,090 --> 00:21:23,325 I like the ones with low self-esteem. 568 00:21:23,359 --> 00:21:24,494 They do anything. 569 00:21:24,527 --> 00:21:25,495 Hm. 570 00:21:26,829 --> 00:21:28,163 Think that's a good idea. 571 00:21:28,197 --> 00:21:29,532 Hmm.