1 00:00:08,119 --> 00:00:10,254 The plugs in your arms and head are gone. 2 00:00:10,287 --> 00:00:12,022 Morpheus? 3 00:00:12,055 --> 00:00:13,290 Your appearance now 4 00:00:13,324 --> 00:00:15,926 is what we call residual self image. 5 00:00:15,959 --> 00:00:19,430 It's a mental projection of your digital self. 6 00:00:19,463 --> 00:00:20,897 This isn't real? 7 00:00:22,433 --> 00:00:24,735 What is real? How do you define real? 8 00:00:24,768 --> 00:00:26,870 Real is simply electrical signals 9 00:00:26,903 --> 00:00:28,272 interpreted by your brain. 10 00:00:28,305 --> 00:00:30,241 This is the world that you know, 11 00:00:30,274 --> 00:00:33,009 the world as it was at the end of the 20th Century. 12 00:00:34,311 --> 00:00:37,080 It exists now only as a neural interactive simulation 13 00:00:37,114 --> 00:00:39,316 that we call the Matrix. 14 00:00:39,350 --> 00:00:41,652 You've been living in a dream world, Neo. 15 00:00:41,685 --> 00:00:44,721 This is the world as it exists today. 16 00:00:46,857 --> 00:00:48,459 That's not what Y2K's gonna be. 17 00:00:48,492 --> 00:00:49,626 You don't know that. 18 00:00:49,660 --> 00:00:51,228 No one knows what's going to happen. 19 00:00:51,262 --> 00:00:53,264 Well, I'm not gonna lose my hair, that's for sure. 20 00:00:53,297 --> 00:00:54,731 You think the world could end? 21 00:00:54,765 --> 00:00:56,500 Yes. The Millennium Bug is coming! 22 00:00:56,533 --> 00:00:58,068 It's the bug of the century. 23 00:00:58,101 --> 00:01:01,138 I caught a big bug with my bra today. 24 00:01:01,172 --> 00:01:04,808 More like a 36 Double Dead. Ma! 25 00:01:04,841 --> 00:01:06,410 Guys, this is the first day 26 00:01:06,443 --> 00:01:07,978 of maybe our last summer of our lives. 27 00:01:08,011 --> 00:01:10,914 We've gotta do it all -- ice cream trucks, sunburns, 28 00:01:10,947 --> 00:01:13,016 water slides, skinny dipping, 29 00:01:13,049 --> 00:01:14,251 ice cream trucks. 30 00:01:14,285 --> 00:01:15,286 Who's with me? 31 00:01:15,319 --> 00:01:16,953 Jessica: I am. 32 00:01:16,987 --> 00:01:17,688 Mom? 33 00:01:17,721 --> 00:01:18,855 For the next three months 34 00:01:18,889 --> 00:01:20,591 while I'm busy studying for grad school, 35 00:01:20,624 --> 00:01:23,494 you will be by my side PSAT prepping. 36 00:01:23,527 --> 00:01:25,028 Study buddies. 37 00:01:32,203 --> 00:01:33,036 No! 38 00:01:55,058 --> 00:01:57,461 -- Captions by VITAC -- 39 00:01:57,494 --> 00:01:58,629 * Fresh off the boat 40 00:01:58,662 --> 00:02:00,331 * I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go * 41 00:02:00,364 --> 00:02:02,666 * If you don't know, homey, now you know * 42 00:02:02,699 --> 00:02:03,967 * Fresh off the boat 43 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,303 * Homey, you don't know where I come from * 44 00:02:06,337 --> 00:02:07,738 * But I know where I'm goin' 45 00:02:07,771 --> 00:02:09,540 * I'm fresh off the boat 46 00:02:12,509 --> 00:02:13,644 This sucks. 47 00:02:13,677 --> 00:02:15,078 All my friends are going on cool vacations 48 00:02:15,111 --> 00:02:16,413 and I'm stuck studying. 49 00:02:16,447 --> 00:02:18,181 Sounds like you're going on a ton of trips... 50 00:02:18,215 --> 00:02:19,916 on the Complain Train. 51 00:02:19,950 --> 00:02:21,885 I don't need all this college prep. 52 00:02:21,918 --> 00:02:24,588 Eddie, this is not just your future at stake 53 00:02:24,621 --> 00:02:26,089 but my reputation. 54 00:02:26,122 --> 00:02:28,692 How am I gonna become a respected school principal 55 00:02:28,725 --> 00:02:31,061 if I can't even get my own son into a top college? 56 00:02:31,094 --> 00:02:32,162 Whoa, top college? 57 00:02:32,195 --> 00:02:33,997 I was thinking more like Tier 2, Tier 3. 58 00:02:34,030 --> 00:02:36,166 I want less pressure, more fun. 59 00:02:36,199 --> 00:02:37,568 Sit around and relax. 60 00:02:37,601 --> 00:02:39,270 Rejuvenate from the stress of high school. 61 00:02:39,303 --> 00:02:41,438 You get out every day at 1:45. 62 00:02:41,472 --> 00:02:43,540 I know, and my first class starts at 9:00. 63 00:02:43,574 --> 00:02:45,776 Eddie, what did you do to the tub? 64 00:02:45,809 --> 00:02:48,279 Oh, that's Gia, my mega water balloon. 65 00:02:51,782 --> 00:02:53,216 I'm leaving Gia in the tub 66 00:02:53,250 --> 00:02:55,586 until I bulk up enough to be able to throw her. 67 00:02:55,619 --> 00:02:56,720 She big. 68 00:02:56,753 --> 00:02:58,054 "She big," Louis. 69 00:02:58,088 --> 00:03:00,023 No water balloons. 70 00:03:00,056 --> 00:03:01,692 Real world is coming. College. 71 00:03:01,725 --> 00:03:02,793 You need to grow up. 72 00:03:02,826 --> 00:03:04,628 You've been saying that since I was 3. 73 00:03:04,661 --> 00:03:06,363 College. I'm so jealous of you. 74 00:03:06,397 --> 00:03:07,698 Best time of your life. 75 00:03:07,731 --> 00:03:10,301 You know, I was a bit of a campus legend myself. 76 00:03:10,334 --> 00:03:11,768 Please don't start. 77 00:03:11,802 --> 00:03:13,404 They called me "The Buffalo." 78 00:03:13,437 --> 00:03:15,606 Why'd they call you "The Buffalo"? 79 00:03:15,639 --> 00:03:17,274 Because you couldn't find a hotter wingman. 80 00:03:17,308 --> 00:03:19,643 Hey, what about Maryland? 81 00:03:19,676 --> 00:03:22,245 Go to your old man -- and old woman's alma...mata? 82 00:03:22,279 --> 00:03:24,247 Almamatta. Alma mamata? 83 00:03:24,281 --> 00:03:26,417 Alma... Go to our college? 84 00:03:26,450 --> 00:03:30,086 No. Maryland did not make the list. 85 00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:31,922 Do I get a say in any of this? 86 00:03:31,955 --> 00:03:34,257 Oh, Eddie, if only the PSATs 87 00:03:34,291 --> 00:03:35,792 were verbal, math, and comedy. 88 00:03:37,961 --> 00:03:40,163 Don't you think this is a little much? 89 00:03:40,196 --> 00:03:41,765 You don't want to burn Eddie out on college 90 00:03:41,798 --> 00:03:43,133 before he even gets in. 91 00:03:43,166 --> 00:03:45,336 We have to stay on him or he strays. 92 00:03:45,369 --> 00:03:47,471 He proves this over and over again. 93 00:03:47,504 --> 00:03:49,973 If I recall, you weren't exactly 94 00:03:50,006 --> 00:03:51,975 the most focused student in college. 95 00:03:52,008 --> 00:03:55,812 We do not talk about my college days, remember? 96 00:03:55,846 --> 00:03:58,815 Especially not in front of our impressionable son 97 00:03:58,849 --> 00:04:01,618 who has been talking about going to school 98 00:04:01,652 --> 00:04:03,320 in "one of the Arizonas." 99 00:04:03,354 --> 00:04:05,756 Just saying, you made some questionable choices and -- 100 00:04:05,789 --> 00:04:06,990 That was different! 101 00:04:07,023 --> 00:04:09,360 It's way more competitive now. 102 00:04:09,393 --> 00:04:10,594 My sister, Connie, 103 00:04:10,627 --> 00:04:12,262 started prepping Justin a year out, 104 00:04:12,295 --> 00:04:13,930 and he got into a crap school. 105 00:04:13,964 --> 00:04:15,332 He's a freshman at UCLA. 106 00:04:15,366 --> 00:04:16,500 That's a great school. 107 00:04:16,533 --> 00:04:18,335 Ugh, you sound just like Connie. 108 00:04:18,369 --> 00:04:20,170 I want better for Eddie, 109 00:04:20,203 --> 00:04:22,005 not just so I can rub it in Connie's face, 110 00:04:22,038 --> 00:04:25,041 but because I want him to have the best possible future, 111 00:04:25,075 --> 00:04:27,344 which I could also rub in Connie's face. 112 00:04:27,378 --> 00:04:29,212 Well, it might help Eddie get more excited 113 00:04:29,245 --> 00:04:31,815 if he knew there was more to it than just academics. 114 00:04:31,848 --> 00:04:33,450 It's about making connections, 115 00:04:33,484 --> 00:04:35,452 socializing, living on your own -- 116 00:04:35,486 --> 00:04:36,820 the whole experience. 117 00:04:36,853 --> 00:04:39,222 Trust me, there is no experience 118 00:04:39,255 --> 00:04:41,392 like the feeling Eddie will get 119 00:04:41,425 --> 00:04:43,226 when he graduates Harvard 120 00:04:43,259 --> 00:04:46,162 and sees my glowing stare of approval. 121 00:04:49,866 --> 00:04:51,702 Julius: Whoa! 122 00:04:51,735 --> 00:04:54,070 Do I look cool now? 123 00:04:54,104 --> 00:04:56,006 Mr. Ice. 124 00:04:56,039 --> 00:04:57,408 Yeah, just breeze on through. 125 00:04:57,441 --> 00:04:58,742 Emery, join us. 126 00:04:58,775 --> 00:05:00,744 We're watching Arnold Schwarzenegger's "Twins." 127 00:05:00,777 --> 00:05:03,046 It's Danny DeVito's "Twins." 128 00:05:03,079 --> 00:05:05,649 Perfect timing. Easy on the eyes. 129 00:05:05,682 --> 00:05:07,984 There's rumors of Arnold entering politics, 130 00:05:08,018 --> 00:05:09,486 so I've become a big fan. 131 00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:12,088 How can you sit and watch TV with this Y2K thing coming? 132 00:05:12,122 --> 00:05:13,557 We're totally unprepared. 133 00:05:13,590 --> 00:05:16,259 We need to start stocking up on supplies, rations, 134 00:05:16,292 --> 00:05:18,729 valuables we can use to trade with other survivors. 135 00:05:18,762 --> 00:05:20,997 That's gonna require some cash. 136 00:05:21,031 --> 00:05:22,065 Exactly. 137 00:05:22,098 --> 00:05:23,667 We need to get summer jobs. 138 00:05:23,700 --> 00:05:24,835 Mm. 139 00:05:24,868 --> 00:05:27,538 Act responsible while everyone else gets crazy. 140 00:05:27,571 --> 00:05:28,772 Or live it up. 141 00:05:28,805 --> 00:05:31,508 We won't be around to face the consequences. 142 00:05:31,542 --> 00:05:33,309 Y2K! 143 00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:45,055 Something just clicked, 144 00:05:45,088 --> 00:05:47,190 and I fell on board with sunglasses. 145 00:05:47,223 --> 00:05:49,560 I'm just jealous you actually got to go somewhere this summer. 146 00:05:49,593 --> 00:05:51,695 Not somewhere, Eddie. Ball State. 147 00:05:51,728 --> 00:05:52,763 Damn. 148 00:05:52,796 --> 00:05:55,031 You were on a college campus? Fun! 149 00:05:55,065 --> 00:05:57,233 Oh, yeah. We piled into the Suburban, 150 00:05:57,267 --> 00:05:58,635 popped in some Reba, 151 00:05:58,669 --> 00:06:00,471 and Burger King'd our way straight to my sister's dorm. 152 00:06:00,504 --> 00:06:01,472 Ah. 153 00:06:01,505 --> 00:06:02,973 Eddie, that's it. 154 00:06:03,006 --> 00:06:04,775 We'll take a family trip to college. 155 00:06:04,808 --> 00:06:06,577 That'd be sick! 156 00:06:06,610 --> 00:06:08,979 Until Mom makes me take PSATs the whole time. 157 00:06:09,012 --> 00:06:10,413 I think you'll be surprised. 158 00:06:10,447 --> 00:06:11,748 Once your mom's on campus, 159 00:06:11,782 --> 00:06:13,216 you may see a different side of her. 160 00:06:13,249 --> 00:06:14,918 There's no chance we're even getting there. 161 00:06:14,951 --> 00:06:17,053 Mom always says sleep is our vacation. 162 00:06:17,087 --> 00:06:18,789 Trust me, I know her weak spot. 163 00:06:18,822 --> 00:06:20,123 Connie. 164 00:06:20,156 --> 00:06:22,793 I know my weak spot -- toe massages. 165 00:06:25,161 --> 00:06:26,830 Family trip to California! 166 00:06:26,863 --> 00:06:28,499 Oh, that's great. Whose family? 167 00:06:28,532 --> 00:06:29,600 Us. Us family. 168 00:06:29,633 --> 00:06:31,935 Dad's taking us to visit Justin at UCLA. 169 00:06:31,968 --> 00:06:33,236 He's in summer classes. 170 00:06:33,269 --> 00:06:35,506 We can't. We just got new jobs. 171 00:06:35,539 --> 00:06:36,840 Use your vacation and sick days. 172 00:06:36,873 --> 00:06:38,341 They'll understand. I'm a boss. 173 00:06:38,374 --> 00:06:40,410 Dad just Y2K'd our jobs. 174 00:06:40,443 --> 00:06:42,679 Louis, we're saving for college, 175 00:06:42,713 --> 00:06:44,247 not wasting money to go visit one 176 00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:45,782 on the other side of the country. 177 00:06:45,816 --> 00:06:47,984 My brother flies for Delta. He'll get us free tickets. 178 00:06:48,018 --> 00:06:49,520 We can stay with Justin -- no hotel. 179 00:06:49,553 --> 00:06:50,854 And the best part? 180 00:06:50,887 --> 00:06:53,189 If Eddie turns down UCLA for Harvard, 181 00:06:53,223 --> 00:06:55,325 you can rub it in Connie's face. 182 00:06:59,996 --> 00:07:01,865 Okay! Pack your bags, boys. 183 00:07:01,898 --> 00:07:03,900 We're going to college! 184 00:07:11,074 --> 00:07:13,544 Does your roommate have any diseases, Justin? 185 00:07:14,678 --> 00:07:15,679 Ugh. Never mind. 186 00:07:15,712 --> 00:07:17,147 Justin: I assumed when you called 187 00:07:17,180 --> 00:07:18,815 it would be just Eddie staying with me. 188 00:07:18,849 --> 00:07:20,150 Well, that's why you're in college -- 189 00:07:20,183 --> 00:07:21,484 to learn things you didn't know. 190 00:07:21,518 --> 00:07:23,453 Hey, how come there's no sock on the door? 191 00:07:23,486 --> 00:07:24,454 Kidding. 192 00:07:24,487 --> 00:07:26,489 Amazing bookstore. 193 00:07:26,523 --> 00:07:27,658 Oh, Marley, nice. 194 00:07:27,691 --> 00:07:29,459 No woman, no cry... mon. 195 00:07:29,492 --> 00:07:31,394 Oh, sweet. I had one of these. 196 00:07:31,427 --> 00:07:34,130 Mine was red. If it could talk, whoo. 197 00:07:34,164 --> 00:07:36,332 Louis, calm down. Where's Grandma and the boys? 198 00:07:36,366 --> 00:07:37,901 She said she needed the campus ATM 199 00:07:37,934 --> 00:07:39,302 before they went sightseeing. 200 00:07:39,335 --> 00:07:40,537 They're here, too? 201 00:07:41,504 --> 00:07:43,173 Great. 202 00:07:43,206 --> 00:07:45,008 Fill out the form and you'll get a credit card 203 00:07:45,041 --> 00:07:46,342 and a free T-shirt. 204 00:07:46,376 --> 00:07:48,745 Grandma, we don't have jobs to pay these off, remember? 205 00:07:48,779 --> 00:07:49,880 Grandma: So? 206 00:07:57,187 --> 00:07:59,355 Y2K. 207 00:07:59,389 --> 00:08:00,423 She's right, Emery. 208 00:08:00,456 --> 00:08:02,325 We tried to do the responsible thing, 209 00:08:02,358 --> 00:08:03,326 and it didn't matter. 210 00:08:03,359 --> 00:08:05,195 Let's just live it up while we can. 211 00:08:05,228 --> 00:08:06,262 Y2K. 212 00:08:07,097 --> 00:08:08,665 We're rich! 213 00:08:08,699 --> 00:08:10,400 Y2K! Y2K!Y2K! 214 00:08:10,433 --> 00:08:12,402 Whoo! 215 00:08:12,435 --> 00:08:14,771 Wow. Your own fridge. Cool. 216 00:08:14,805 --> 00:08:15,939 Louis: We didn't have those 217 00:08:15,972 --> 00:08:16,940 in my day. 218 00:08:16,973 --> 00:08:18,775 You just had to let stuff spoil. 219 00:08:19,810 --> 00:08:21,077 Oh! 220 00:08:21,111 --> 00:08:23,346 There she is. It's all coming back. 221 00:08:23,379 --> 00:08:24,848 Whoa. What'd you just do? 222 00:08:24,881 --> 00:08:25,916 Nothing. 223 00:08:25,949 --> 00:08:27,684 Just trying to clean up this hellhole. 224 00:08:27,718 --> 00:08:31,254 So, uh, J-bird, the Huangs are at college! 225 00:08:31,287 --> 00:08:32,455 What's the plan? 226 00:08:32,488 --> 00:08:33,556 I have a midterm today 227 00:08:33,590 --> 00:08:34,925 and I was gonna use the morning to study. 228 00:08:34,958 --> 00:08:36,927 Please. 229 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:39,529 How hard can the tests be at Eddie's safety school? 230 00:08:39,562 --> 00:08:40,764 UCLA? 231 00:08:40,797 --> 00:08:43,199 I got a 4.0, good SAT, 232 00:08:43,233 --> 00:08:44,868 and a rare sit-down with the Dean of Admissions 233 00:08:44,901 --> 00:08:46,202 and I still got wait-listed. 234 00:08:46,236 --> 00:08:47,537 It's not easy to get into. 235 00:08:48,504 --> 00:08:50,741 Oh. Quick, hide the Sambuca. 236 00:08:50,774 --> 00:08:51,775 It's the RA. 237 00:08:51,808 --> 00:08:53,810 This is Kip, my roommate. 238 00:08:53,844 --> 00:08:56,647 This is my family. They're staying with us. 239 00:08:56,680 --> 00:08:58,148 Doesn't matter to me. 240 00:08:58,181 --> 00:09:00,116 My midterms just posted. I flunked out. 241 00:09:00,150 --> 00:09:02,653 AP classes, years of prep school, 242 00:09:02,686 --> 00:09:04,120 valedictorian... 243 00:09:04,154 --> 00:09:06,089 just to be back in my dad's butcher shop, 244 00:09:06,122 --> 00:09:08,491 cutting ham for Mrs. Josephs. 245 00:09:08,524 --> 00:09:09,793 Wait a minute. 246 00:09:09,826 --> 00:09:12,729 So UCLA isn't a school for dum-dums like you? 247 00:09:12,763 --> 00:09:15,265 It's the Harvard of California. 248 00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:18,268 Okay, new itinerary -- 249 00:09:18,301 --> 00:09:20,103 campus tour, three class lectures, 250 00:09:20,136 --> 00:09:21,772 and a meeting with the Dean of Admissions. 251 00:09:21,805 --> 00:09:23,406 Jessica, I thought a meeting with the Dean 252 00:09:23,439 --> 00:09:24,407 was impossible to get. 253 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:25,776 I reached out to your RV salesman. 254 00:09:25,809 --> 00:09:26,777 He put in a call. 255 00:09:26,810 --> 00:09:28,111 Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? 256 00:09:28,144 --> 00:09:29,312 Yeah. 257 00:09:29,345 --> 00:09:31,447 Apparently he's some kind of a big deal around here. 258 00:09:31,481 --> 00:09:33,149 Did he sell RVs in college? 259 00:09:33,183 --> 00:09:34,150 It's industrious. 260 00:09:34,184 --> 00:09:35,318 Dad, you said 261 00:09:35,351 --> 00:09:36,820 Mom would be different once we got here, 262 00:09:36,853 --> 00:09:39,355 but College Mom is even worse. 263 00:09:39,389 --> 00:09:40,824 * I'm going, going 264 00:09:40,857 --> 00:09:42,993 * Back, back to Cali, Cali 265 00:09:43,026 --> 00:09:44,828 * I'm going, going 266 00:09:44,861 --> 00:09:47,764 So, do you want to get a picture with a "celebrity"? 267 00:09:47,798 --> 00:09:49,766 Marilyn Monroe? Rocky? 268 00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:51,768 That guy with a spot-on Whoopi Goldberg? 269 00:09:51,802 --> 00:09:53,436 I don't know, we've spent a lot. 270 00:09:53,469 --> 00:09:56,372 Grandma, what's going on? 271 00:09:56,406 --> 00:09:58,709 Me and Danny are going to take the limo 272 00:09:58,742 --> 00:10:00,376 and do some adult things. 273 00:10:00,410 --> 00:10:02,378 Uh, Grandma, that's not Danny DeVito. 274 00:10:02,412 --> 00:10:04,781 Show them, Danny. Do the Batman. 275 00:10:04,815 --> 00:10:06,783 Wah-wah. 276 00:10:06,817 --> 00:10:09,552 So, you're just gonna ditch us 277 00:10:09,585 --> 00:10:11,021 in the middle of Los Angeles? 278 00:10:11,054 --> 00:10:12,622 Oh, Y2K! 279 00:10:12,655 --> 00:10:14,825 Every man for themselves. 280 00:10:14,858 --> 00:10:15,826 Again, Penguin! 281 00:10:15,859 --> 00:10:16,827 Wah-wah. 282 00:10:16,860 --> 00:10:19,495 Have fun. 283 00:10:20,731 --> 00:10:22,565 Do you ever worry for Grandma's safety? 284 00:10:22,598 --> 00:10:25,001 I worry for that guy's safety. 285 00:10:28,071 --> 00:10:30,006 Uh, excuse me, ma'am. 286 00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:33,376 Uhp, looks like Jessica's "Bruin" up another question. 287 00:10:33,409 --> 00:10:35,912 Because it's the UCLA Bruins. 288 00:10:35,946 --> 00:10:38,181 Man, this girl is on a pun run like I've never seen. 289 00:10:38,214 --> 00:10:39,382 It's effortless. 290 00:10:39,415 --> 00:10:41,384 Can you tell us what the library hours are? 291 00:10:41,417 --> 00:10:42,685 I can, 292 00:10:42,719 --> 00:10:45,756 but the librarians have asked me to keep it hush-hush. 293 00:10:45,789 --> 00:10:47,523 Oh, you can't teach this. 294 00:10:47,557 --> 00:10:49,192 A pimps and hoes party? 295 00:10:49,225 --> 00:10:51,361 Yes and yes. Ooh, sounds fun. 296 00:10:51,394 --> 00:10:52,562 Eddie, pay attention. 297 00:10:52,595 --> 00:10:54,898 You need to remember every detail about the school 298 00:10:54,931 --> 00:10:57,033 so you can impress the Dean of Admissions later. 299 00:10:59,936 --> 00:11:02,072 Hey, uh, I know you mean well, 300 00:11:02,105 --> 00:11:03,706 but maybe you can ease up on Eddie. 301 00:11:03,740 --> 00:11:04,875 Ease up? 302 00:11:04,908 --> 00:11:06,542 I'm trying to get our son focused on college. 303 00:11:06,576 --> 00:11:08,111 Well, you don't get a donkey to a cornfield 304 00:11:08,144 --> 00:11:09,112 by whipping him. 305 00:11:09,145 --> 00:11:10,280 You show him the corn -- 306 00:11:10,313 --> 00:11:12,548 "Hey donkey, look at all this tasty corn!" 307 00:11:12,582 --> 00:11:14,684 Donkeys don't eat corn. Well, something does. 308 00:11:14,717 --> 00:11:16,686 I think you mean a pig. A pig'll eat anything. 309 00:11:16,719 --> 00:11:17,888 I know about pigs. 310 00:11:17,921 --> 00:11:20,256 The point is this is supposed to be fun for Eddie. 311 00:11:20,290 --> 00:11:22,926 College is not supposed to be fun, okay? 312 00:11:22,959 --> 00:11:24,194 Oh, is that so? 313 00:11:24,227 --> 00:11:26,596 Um, excuse me, uh, Pun Master, 314 00:11:26,629 --> 00:11:28,698 have you ever had a student get in trouble 315 00:11:28,731 --> 00:11:30,233 for streaking in the cafeteria 316 00:11:30,266 --> 00:11:32,735 instead of studying for her econ final? 317 00:11:32,769 --> 00:11:34,771 Louis, don't do this. Follow-up question. 318 00:11:34,805 --> 00:11:36,472 You guys ever hear of a Messy Jessie? 319 00:11:36,506 --> 00:11:37,808 Get ready for this, Eddie. 320 00:11:37,841 --> 00:11:39,976 * ...leads to shots, grit your teeth * 321 00:11:40,010 --> 00:11:41,377 Drink. 322 00:11:41,411 --> 00:11:43,746 * You run for cover so discreet, why don't they * 323 00:11:43,780 --> 00:11:46,082 Drink. Tough one, Sarah. 324 00:11:46,116 --> 00:11:48,584 Man, I love Tuesdays. 325 00:11:48,618 --> 00:11:51,487 What should we do with this kayak that I "borrowed"? 326 00:11:51,521 --> 00:11:52,823 And another time, 327 00:11:52,856 --> 00:11:55,591 she got her hands on a huge tub of industrial glue -- 328 00:11:55,625 --> 00:11:57,393 Okay, Louis, that's enough. 329 00:11:57,427 --> 00:12:00,396 And now her son knows that his mom was fun. 330 00:12:00,430 --> 00:12:01,664 Pretty cool, right, Eddie? 331 00:12:01,697 --> 00:12:04,500 Uh...Eddie? 332 00:12:04,534 --> 00:12:05,969 Where'd he go? 333 00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:11,674 Emery: After this, 334 00:12:11,707 --> 00:12:14,177 I wanna see a TV taping with a live studio audience. 335 00:12:14,210 --> 00:12:16,813 What? I'm not doing that. Why not? 336 00:12:16,847 --> 00:12:19,515 Because our time is finite, and I don't wanna waste it 337 00:12:19,549 --> 00:12:21,852 watching garbage with a bunch of zoo people. 338 00:12:21,885 --> 00:12:23,519 I'm thinking of becoming an actor. 339 00:12:23,553 --> 00:12:25,155 You and everyone else. 340 00:12:25,188 --> 00:12:27,490 No, I wanna go to Muscle Beach, 341 00:12:27,523 --> 00:12:29,792 see where Arnold began his political career. 342 00:12:29,826 --> 00:12:30,827 What's the point of that? 343 00:12:30,861 --> 00:12:32,262 What's the point in anything? 344 00:12:32,295 --> 00:12:33,329 Y2K's coming. 345 00:12:33,363 --> 00:12:34,931 Oh, poor baby. 346 00:12:34,965 --> 00:12:37,167 Grandma got DeVito, so you want some Arnold. 347 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,035 Better actor than you'll ever be. 348 00:12:39,069 --> 00:12:41,004 Maybe you're right. 349 00:12:41,037 --> 00:12:42,305 The world's ending. 350 00:12:42,338 --> 00:12:44,540 Why care about anything? Or anyone. 351 00:12:44,574 --> 00:12:45,675 I'm out of here. 352 00:12:45,708 --> 00:12:47,343 What? Y2K! 353 00:12:47,377 --> 00:12:48,644 Y2K! 354 00:12:52,849 --> 00:12:55,551 If Eddie misses this meeting and winds up at a Tier 3 school, 355 00:12:55,585 --> 00:12:57,520 it's all your fault. My fault? 356 00:12:57,553 --> 00:13:00,023 You corrupted him with all my old escapades, 357 00:13:00,056 --> 00:13:01,992 which I never wanted him to hear. 358 00:13:02,025 --> 00:13:03,459 He took it as free license 359 00:13:03,493 --> 00:13:06,029 to ditch us and run wild. 360 00:13:06,062 --> 00:13:07,663 Exactly what I feared. 361 00:13:07,697 --> 00:13:09,399 Or I inspired him to explore this campus 362 00:13:09,432 --> 00:13:10,733 and all it has to offer. 363 00:13:10,766 --> 00:13:13,503 Hey, what's up? And still show up right on time. 364 00:13:13,536 --> 00:13:16,739 Eddie, I'm sorry you had to listen to those nonsense stories 365 00:13:16,772 --> 00:13:18,208 your dad told the tour group. 366 00:13:18,241 --> 00:13:19,542 Stories? What stories? 367 00:13:19,575 --> 00:13:21,244 The ones about your mother? 368 00:13:21,277 --> 00:13:23,213 Nah, I must've bailed before that. 369 00:13:23,246 --> 00:13:25,916 And yet he still made it to his big meeting. 370 00:13:25,949 --> 00:13:28,351 Because Eddie knows that college is important 371 00:13:28,384 --> 00:13:30,053 and he must take it seriously. 372 00:13:30,086 --> 00:13:32,088 Yeah, I was thinking about that, 373 00:13:32,122 --> 00:13:34,524 and I don't wanna go to college. 374 00:13:34,557 --> 00:13:35,591 College sucks. 375 00:13:42,665 --> 00:13:43,199 "College sucks"?! Eddie! 376 00:13:44,567 --> 00:13:45,902 Sorry. Not just this one. 377 00:13:45,936 --> 00:13:47,037 All colleges. 378 00:13:47,070 --> 00:13:51,241 As Dean of Admissions, I am disappointed. 379 00:13:51,274 --> 00:13:55,245 But as a man who thinks he may have left the oven on... 380 00:13:55,278 --> 00:13:56,913 I'm thrilled. 381 00:13:56,947 --> 00:13:58,281 Seems like a nice guy. 382 00:13:58,314 --> 00:14:00,016 You had Kareem's recommendation. 383 00:14:00,050 --> 00:14:01,517 His sky hook of approval! 384 00:14:01,551 --> 00:14:03,619 All you had to do was come in and smile. 385 00:14:05,455 --> 00:14:07,423 I can't smell anything. 386 00:14:07,457 --> 00:14:10,793 I'm so angry, I've lost my ability to smell. 387 00:14:11,995 --> 00:14:13,596 You guys should be thanking me. 388 00:14:13,629 --> 00:14:15,531 Now you don't have to waste your money 389 00:14:15,565 --> 00:14:17,633 sending me somewhere I hate. 390 00:14:17,667 --> 00:14:18,634 Nothing. 391 00:14:18,668 --> 00:14:19,802 It's like all my powers 392 00:14:19,835 --> 00:14:21,371 have been drained to fuel my rage. 393 00:14:21,404 --> 00:14:23,373 Where have you been? That tour was so boring. 394 00:14:23,406 --> 00:14:24,874 I had to find something else to do. 395 00:14:24,907 --> 00:14:26,209 You went to that party. 396 00:14:26,242 --> 00:14:27,810 That's how this all happened. 397 00:14:27,843 --> 00:14:29,479 He went there, he got drunk, 398 00:14:29,512 --> 00:14:31,948 he lost his potential, and now he hates college. 399 00:14:31,982 --> 00:14:34,284 No, I went and found Justin. He's my age. 400 00:14:34,317 --> 00:14:36,619 I figured he might show me how to have fun around here. 401 00:14:37,853 --> 00:14:40,323 Another "Mr. Show"? 402 00:14:40,356 --> 00:14:41,924 Seriously? 403 00:14:41,958 --> 00:14:43,926 We've been watching TV for hours. 404 00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:46,662 Isn't there anything else you guys do? 405 00:14:46,696 --> 00:14:48,831 We can all take a nap again. 406 00:14:50,466 --> 00:14:52,602 I thought that's what you wanted. 407 00:14:52,635 --> 00:14:54,437 Nice and easy, sit around. 408 00:14:54,470 --> 00:14:55,838 Recharge from high school. 409 00:14:55,871 --> 00:14:57,273 Yeah, it sounded good in theory, 410 00:14:57,307 --> 00:14:59,109 but that's all they do here. 411 00:14:59,142 --> 00:15:00,676 Turns out I need a little more. 412 00:15:00,710 --> 00:15:04,347 I haven't seen one thing here that doesn't suck. 413 00:15:04,380 --> 00:15:06,116 I'm sorry. College isn't for me. 414 00:15:06,149 --> 00:15:07,250 It's lame. 415 00:15:09,519 --> 00:15:10,786 This is a disaster. 416 00:15:10,820 --> 00:15:13,589 He went from Tier 3 schools to no schools at all. 417 00:15:13,623 --> 00:15:14,590 He's going backwards. 418 00:15:14,624 --> 00:15:16,092 Well, it's now or never. 419 00:15:16,126 --> 00:15:17,427 If you're not going to show our son 420 00:15:17,460 --> 00:15:19,262 how to have a good time here, then I will. 421 00:15:19,295 --> 00:15:20,430 You? 422 00:15:20,463 --> 00:15:21,797 What are you gonna do, 423 00:15:21,831 --> 00:15:23,199 throw a Frisbee with him on the quad? 424 00:15:23,233 --> 00:15:25,501 You don't throw a Frisbee, you slang it. 425 00:15:25,535 --> 00:15:27,937 Louis, who are we kidding? 426 00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:30,673 I let you play it up in front of the kids, 427 00:15:30,706 --> 00:15:32,608 but we both know that in college, 428 00:15:32,642 --> 00:15:34,044 you were a dork. 429 00:15:34,077 --> 00:15:35,945 Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's why Eddie needs you. 430 00:15:35,978 --> 00:15:37,013 He is you. 431 00:15:37,047 --> 00:15:38,181 No, Evan's me. 432 00:15:38,214 --> 00:15:41,384 Responsible, focused, able to pull off argyle. 433 00:15:41,417 --> 00:15:42,385 Argyle! 434 00:15:42,418 --> 00:15:43,453 Evan is you now. 435 00:15:43,486 --> 00:15:44,854 Eddie is who you used to be. 436 00:15:44,887 --> 00:15:46,622 I could handle myself. 437 00:15:46,656 --> 00:15:48,658 I knew where to draw the line. 438 00:15:48,691 --> 00:15:49,659 Eddie's not me. 439 00:15:49,692 --> 00:15:50,826 No, he's not. 440 00:15:50,860 --> 00:15:52,695 He's way better off because you raised him. 441 00:15:52,728 --> 00:15:54,964 Mistakes, regret, loss, 442 00:15:54,997 --> 00:15:57,067 this is the place to start to learn about that stuff. 443 00:15:57,100 --> 00:15:58,634 And it'll only help our kids to know 444 00:15:58,668 --> 00:15:59,902 that we went through it, too. 445 00:15:59,935 --> 00:16:02,072 And we survived and evolved. 446 00:16:02,105 --> 00:16:03,306 Same way he will. 447 00:16:04,574 --> 00:16:06,842 Look, Jessica, someone needs to show Eddie 448 00:16:06,876 --> 00:16:08,678 that college can be challenging 449 00:16:08,711 --> 00:16:10,313 and soul-searching and fun. 450 00:16:10,346 --> 00:16:11,714 And that person is you. 451 00:16:11,747 --> 00:16:12,715 The old you. 452 00:16:12,748 --> 00:16:14,684 Messy Jessie. 453 00:16:14,717 --> 00:16:16,186 What do you say, gunslinger? 454 00:16:18,954 --> 00:16:21,191 ...probably a huge tadpole by now. 455 00:16:21,224 --> 00:16:22,558 Man: Nice, right? 456 00:16:22,592 --> 00:16:24,327 Wah-wah. 457 00:16:28,298 --> 00:16:30,100 * Got the wind in my hair Arnold got his start here. 458 00:16:30,133 --> 00:16:32,202 What are your political aspirations? 459 00:16:33,103 --> 00:16:34,504 Which exercise 460 00:16:34,537 --> 00:16:35,605 best preps a young candidate 461 00:16:35,638 --> 00:16:36,706 for the campaign trail? 462 00:16:37,807 --> 00:16:39,409 How do you square the Electoral College 463 00:16:39,442 --> 00:16:40,710 with "1 Person, 1 Vote"? 464 00:16:42,545 --> 00:16:44,080 * Since I was just a girl 465 00:16:44,114 --> 00:16:46,516 * I've traveled near and far 466 00:16:46,549 --> 00:16:49,619 Man: Alright, I know you heard this scene 15 times or so. 467 00:16:49,652 --> 00:16:51,887 But they're gonna run it once more, 468 00:16:51,921 --> 00:16:53,789 so they need you to act like 469 00:16:53,823 --> 00:16:56,859 this is the first time you're hearing these jokes! 470 00:16:56,892 --> 00:16:58,394 All right? Energy up. 471 00:16:59,462 --> 00:17:00,863 Oh, this is nothing. 472 00:17:00,896 --> 00:17:04,400 When Kelsey Grammer's having a day, look out. 473 00:17:05,568 --> 00:17:07,203 You sure you can eat ramen dry? 474 00:17:07,237 --> 00:17:09,572 You can eat anything dry if you chew enough. 475 00:17:12,808 --> 00:17:15,077 Eddie, I have to tell you something. 476 00:17:15,811 --> 00:17:17,880 I am Messy Jessie. 477 00:17:17,913 --> 00:17:18,814 Who? 478 00:17:18,848 --> 00:17:20,216 When I was in college, 479 00:17:20,250 --> 00:17:22,152 I didn't take it seriously. 480 00:17:23,253 --> 00:17:25,054 I used to be a madwoman. 481 00:17:25,087 --> 00:17:27,657 I don't believe this. What? 482 00:17:27,690 --> 00:17:29,259 That you could fill a water balloon 483 00:17:29,292 --> 00:17:30,560 with shaving cream instead of water 484 00:17:30,593 --> 00:17:31,794 so you could actually lift it? 485 00:17:31,827 --> 00:17:34,164 No, I mean, yes, that is also pretty mind-blowing, 486 00:17:34,197 --> 00:17:36,666 but I'm talking about how you were wild in college. 487 00:17:36,699 --> 00:17:39,502 Occasionally, I would let my hair down. 488 00:17:39,535 --> 00:17:41,337 Until I shaved it all off on a dare. 489 00:17:41,371 --> 00:17:43,173 How come you never told me all this? 490 00:17:43,206 --> 00:17:45,941 Because there are some qualities you see in your kids 491 00:17:45,975 --> 00:17:49,245 that you know they got from you, and you are not proud. 492 00:17:49,279 --> 00:17:50,280 So... 493 00:17:50,313 --> 00:17:52,014 you're ashamed I like to have fun? 494 00:17:52,047 --> 00:17:53,916 No, it's not that. 495 00:17:53,949 --> 00:17:55,618 It's just that maybe 496 00:17:55,651 --> 00:17:58,087 if I had been more focused the first time around, 497 00:17:58,120 --> 00:17:59,589 I wouldn't be back in school now 498 00:17:59,622 --> 00:18:01,123 trying to do it all over again. 499 00:18:01,157 --> 00:18:02,858 I don't want you to have to do that. 500 00:18:02,892 --> 00:18:04,126 Really? 501 00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:05,328 Because it seems to me that the way you did it 502 00:18:05,361 --> 00:18:06,362 is way more interesting. 503 00:18:06,396 --> 00:18:08,798 You lived it up, you had a family, 504 00:18:08,831 --> 00:18:11,667 multiple careers, still pushing yourself -- 505 00:18:11,701 --> 00:18:13,102 Okay, you're right, I don't regret it. 506 00:18:13,135 --> 00:18:14,804 I just don't want to encourage you 507 00:18:14,837 --> 00:18:16,138 to behave the way I did. 508 00:18:16,172 --> 00:18:17,873 I know, I'm a hypocrite. 509 00:18:17,907 --> 00:18:19,275 No, cocky. 510 00:18:19,309 --> 00:18:21,177 You think you're the only person who could handle anything? 511 00:18:21,211 --> 00:18:22,178 Yes. 512 00:18:22,212 --> 00:18:23,613 Because I am battle-tested. 513 00:18:23,646 --> 00:18:24,880 Not as much as me. 514 00:18:24,914 --> 00:18:27,717 You could never handle what I went through -- you. 515 00:18:28,584 --> 00:18:31,120 Me versus me. 516 00:18:31,153 --> 00:18:33,523 That is interesting. Who would win? 517 00:18:33,556 --> 00:18:34,524 Me. 518 00:18:34,557 --> 00:18:35,558 You're crazy. 519 00:18:36,659 --> 00:18:38,228 You call it like you see it. 520 00:18:38,261 --> 00:18:40,963 That is another quality I am proud you get from me. 521 00:18:40,996 --> 00:18:44,567 Well, I am glad that Messy Jessie could help. 522 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:46,669 Now, are you gonna tell me 523 00:18:46,702 --> 00:18:48,304 what we're gonna do with this cream balloon? 524 00:18:48,338 --> 00:18:49,405 Yes. 525 00:18:49,439 --> 00:18:53,175 As long as you promise to only do it at Harvard. 526 00:18:53,209 --> 00:18:54,577 I don't know about Harvard, 527 00:18:54,610 --> 00:18:57,480 but maybe college isn't as lame as I thought. 528 00:18:57,513 --> 00:18:59,515 Okay. Stanford. 529 00:18:59,549 --> 00:19:00,650 Ready? 530 00:19:00,683 --> 00:19:02,084 Evan: Hey, look! 531 00:19:02,117 --> 00:19:03,819 It's our little movie star! 532 00:19:03,853 --> 00:19:06,188 You make it big? 533 00:19:06,222 --> 00:19:08,157 No. Hollywood sucks. 534 00:19:08,190 --> 00:19:10,260 Yeah, turns out a beachside gym 535 00:19:10,293 --> 00:19:12,762 isn't the political think tank you would expect. 536 00:19:12,795 --> 00:19:14,264 And look at this. 537 00:19:14,297 --> 00:19:15,931 Completely pumped out. 538 00:19:15,965 --> 00:19:18,868 I won't be able to do bis and tris till next week! 539 00:19:18,901 --> 00:19:20,069 I thought being rich 540 00:19:20,102 --> 00:19:21,837 and not caring about anything would be amazing. 541 00:19:21,871 --> 00:19:24,173 Garfield makes it look so easy. 542 00:19:24,206 --> 00:19:25,675 Garfield's not rich. 543 00:19:25,708 --> 00:19:27,943 He's cat-rich. It's different. 544 00:19:27,977 --> 00:19:29,379 It was all too much. 545 00:19:29,412 --> 00:19:31,781 The excess, ignoring consequences, 546 00:19:31,814 --> 00:19:33,082 never saying no. 547 00:19:33,115 --> 00:19:35,285 It's unsustainable. You can't live life that way. 548 00:19:35,318 --> 00:19:37,720 No one can. Not even me. 549 00:19:37,753 --> 00:19:39,689 Not even Danny DeVito. 550 00:19:39,722 --> 00:19:41,691 Grandma, that wasn't Danny DeVito. 551 00:19:41,724 --> 00:19:44,026 Emery, they could've kissed. Let her have it. 552 00:19:44,059 --> 00:19:45,194 * Yeah 553 00:19:45,227 --> 00:19:47,263 You know, even if Y2K's coming, 554 00:19:47,297 --> 00:19:49,699 I'd rather spend my last few days with you two, 555 00:19:49,732 --> 00:19:50,966 just like we always do -- 556 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,102 on the couch, busting each other's yams. 557 00:19:54,837 --> 00:19:56,606 Hey, if the world doesn't end, 558 00:19:56,639 --> 00:19:59,742 how are we gonna pay off our credit cards? 559 00:19:59,775 --> 00:20:01,777 I faked my death before. 560 00:20:01,811 --> 00:20:03,413 I can do it again. 561 00:20:03,446 --> 00:20:04,980 Hmm. 562 00:20:07,683 --> 00:20:10,320 Look out below! 563 00:20:10,353 --> 00:20:11,754 Nooooooo! 564 00:20:14,857 --> 00:20:16,326 Messy Jessie! 565 00:20:21,831 --> 00:20:22,565 If you were this crazy in college, 566 00:20:23,833 --> 00:20:25,000 I can't imagine what "The Buffalo" was like. 567 00:20:25,034 --> 00:20:26,502 Nope. Sorry. That's R-rated. 568 00:20:26,536 --> 00:20:27,903 Louis, I thought you said 569 00:20:27,937 --> 00:20:30,673 good parenting was sharing our past, not hiding it. 570 00:20:30,706 --> 00:20:32,842 Oh, I say a lot of things to get out of the doghouse. 571 00:20:32,875 --> 00:20:34,344 Your dad was a club guy. 572 00:20:34,377 --> 00:20:35,511 He joined them all. 573 00:20:36,879 --> 00:20:38,481 I am so excited. 574 00:20:38,514 --> 00:20:39,849 Topiary Club! 575 00:20:39,882 --> 00:20:41,684 Or should we call it Shrub Club? 576 00:20:42,718 --> 00:20:44,119 Look out, nerds! 577 00:20:44,153 --> 00:20:46,489 Coming through! 578 00:20:47,623 --> 00:20:48,758 Are you here for the club? 579 00:20:49,859 --> 00:20:51,494 Extracurriculars are the wings 580 00:20:51,527 --> 00:20:52,762 of a social butterfly. 581 00:20:52,795 --> 00:20:53,829 Dad, you're making it worse. 582 00:20:53,863 --> 00:20:55,264 Oh, yeah? I had a ton of sex. 583 00:20:55,297 --> 00:20:56,932 No, you did not. I did, too. 584 00:20:56,966 --> 00:20:58,267 With who? The bush club? 585 00:20:58,300 --> 00:20:59,268 The Shrub Club! 586 00:20:59,301 --> 00:21:01,003 Okay. That's enough sharing.