♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME TO
LAST WEEK TONIGHT I'M JOHN
OLIVER THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
JOINING US IT HAS BEEN A BUSY
WEEK FROM TRUMP ANNOUNCING PLANS
TO RUIN YOUR THANKSGIVING AT
LEAST ONE MORE TIME TO
NANCY PELOSI ANNOUNCING SHE WILL
STEP DOWN FROM HER LEADERSHIP
ROLE IN THE HOUSE TO PARIS
REVEALING ITS OLYMPIC MASCOT
WHICH LOOKS LIKE IT'S
ADVERTISING A WORLDWIDE SPORTING
EVENT AND MORE LIKE A
GYNECOLOGIST SPENT TOO MUCH ON
MARKETING.
WE ARE GOING TO START WITH THE
ONGOING CHAOS AT TWITTER, IT'S
BEEN THREE WEEKS SINCE IT WAS
TAKEN OVER BY ELON MUSK A MAN
WHO ANSWERS THE QUESTION WHAT IF
WILLY WONKA BENEFITED FROM
APARTHEID THE?
[LAUGHTER]
GOING BACK TO THE START OF HIS
TAKEOVER, FROM DAY ONE TREND IT
WAS A TOTAL MESS.
>> HE POSTED A VIDEO OF HIM
ARRIVING AT TWITTER'S HQ.
LET THAT SINK AND HE TOLD US.
HE ANNOUNCED COMEDY IS NOW LEGAL
ON TWITTER.
>> John: OKAY THEN.
IF COMEDY IS NOW LEGAL WE
PROBABLY NEED TO RECONVENE THE
COMEDY SUPREME COURT TO SET A
PRECEDENT ABOUT THAT PARTICULAR
VIOLATION OF COMEDY MALL RIGHT
THERE.
MANY OF THE WORST PEOPLE
ON TWITTER SEEM TO TAKE IT AS
THE BRAKES ARE NOW OFF, FINDING
USE OF A RACIAL SLUR SPIKING
NEARLY 500%.
WHICH IS PRETTY SHOCKING EVEN
FOR A WEBSITE WHERE A REGULAR
TRENDING TOPIC IS SOMETIMES JUST
"THE JEWS."
30,000 PEOPLE TWEETING ABOUT THE
JEWS ON A THURSDAY AFTERNOON YOU
DO NOT WANT TO CLICK TO FIND OUT
WHY.
HE INITIALLY TRIED TO SET
EXPECTATIONS LOW TWEETING PLEASE
NOTE THAT TWITTER WILL DO LOTS
OF DUMB THINGS IN THE COMING
MONTHS, SOMETHING HE THEN
ELABORATED ON LIKE THIS.
>> THE INTENT IS NOT TO DO DUMB
THINGS, WE AREN'T ASPIRATIONAL
LAY DUMB.
WE ARE ASPIRATIONAL HE NOT DUMB.
>> John: IF YOU HAVE TO SAY WE
ARE NOT DUMB IN THREE SLIGHTLY
DIFFERENT WAYS IN A ROW THAT
DOESN'T INSPIRE CONFIDENCE.
IT'S LIKE SOMEONE GOING "I'M
SOBER, I'M NOT DRUNK, I'M GOOD
TO DRIVE."
AT THE END OF THOSE THREE
STATEMENTS I'M NOT HANDING YOU
THE KEYS TO ANYTHING.
ALSO TWITTER HAS ALWAYS BEEN A
PLACE WHERE YOU SHOULD BE
ASPIRATIONAL LAY DUMB.
IF IT ENDS UP BECOMING SOMEWHERE
YOU CAN'T TWEET THE BABA DUKE
THROAT GAME PROBABLY CRAZY AND
GET A QUARTER A MILLION LIKES I
DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT
ANYMORE.
INDEED THEY HAVE DONE SOME VERY
DUMB THINGS, A NEW PROGRAM WENT
LIVE FOR THE SITE CHARGED $8 A
MONTH FOR BLUE CHECKMARKS, USED
TO VERIFY COMPANIES ACTUALLY ARE
WHO THEY SAID THEY WERE.
WHEN AMTRAK POSTED THE ACTUAL
TWEET "TRAINS."
YOU KNEW AN EXPERT WAS WEIGHING
IN.
AND THAT SELLING THAT
VERIFICATION FOR $8 HAD
PREDICTABLE RESULTS.
>> I WANT TO SHOW YOU A FEW OF
THE FAKE ACCOUNTS THAT HAVE
POPPED UP.
FAKE ACCOUNT FOR NINTENDO, THE
VIDEO GAME COMPANY SHOWED MARIO
THERE, THE ICONIC FIGURE GIVING
THE FINGER.
IT'S OFFENSIVE, I GUESS.
>> John: I GUESS IT IS.
OF MARIO GIVING THE FINGER
APPARENTLY UNACCEPTABLE BUT 500%
INCREASE IN RACISM, WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO?
THAT DOESN'T COUNT, THAT WAS
ALLOWED, I CHECKED.
IT WASN'T JUST NINTENDO A FAKE
VERIFIED PEPSI ACCOUNTS TWEETED
COKE IS BETTER, AMERICAN GIRL
ACCOUNT TWEETED FELICITY OWNED
SLAVES WHICH MAKES YOU WONDER
WHAT FELICITY DISCOVERS THE
SECRET WAS REALLY ABOUT AND A
FAKE VERIFY TESLA ACCOUNT
TWEETED WE WILL BE OFFERING
10,000 VEHICLES TO THE UKRAINIAN
MILITARY, OUR CARS ARE THE MOST
ADVANCED EXPLOSIVE DEVICES ON
THE MARKET.
CLEARLY THINGS ARE CHANGING
ON TWITTER RIGHT NOW.
THE SITE NO LONGER SEEMS TO BE
ADDING EXPLANATIONS TO TRENDING
TOPICS, PREVIOUSLY HELPED ADD
CONTEXT AND HELP COMBAT THIS
INFORMATION.
WHICH IS WHY R.I.P. JIMMY FALLON
WAS TWEETED WITH NO FURTHER
INFORMATION WHICH PROMPTED
FALLON HIMSELF TO POST CAN YOU
FIX THIS WHICH PROMPTED HIM TO
RESPOND FIX WHAT?
A VERY FUNNY RESPONSE.
ALL OF THIS IS TAKING A REAL
TOLL, MAJOR ADVERTISERS HAVE
PULLED THEIR ADVERTISING REVENUE
INCLUDING GENERAL MILLS, GM,
UNITED AIRLINES, AND PFIZER
WHICH IS PROBABLY A SMART MOVE
FOR THEM.
WE ARE ABOUT FIVE SECONDS AWAY
FROM A FAKE PFIZER ACCOUNT
TWEETING THE RUMORS ARE TRUE OR
A FAKE GENERAL MILLS ACCOUNT
TWEETING AT CHEERIOS OUR COCK
RINGS FOR MICE.
AS FOR WORKING INSIDE TWITTER
THAT IS AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE,
MUSK HAS GOTTEN BITTEN OF HALF
THE STAFF TARGETING ANY WORKERS
WHO HAVE CRITICIZED HIM AT
ONE POINT ENGINEERS WERE ASKED
TO PRINT OUT THEIR RECENT CODE
CONTRIBUTIONS SO THEY COULD BE
EVALUATED WHICH IS NOT ONLY HOW
YOU WOULD TRADITIONALLY EVALUATE
CODE, IT'S ALSO A SECURITY RISK
WHICH IS PRESUMABLY WHY
ENGINEERS WERE QUICKLY TOLD TO
SHRED THEIR PRINTOUTS.
SOME ARGUE THERE WAS A METHOD TO
THIS MADNESS, OTHERS AREN'T SO
SURE.
>> YOU DON'T FIRE HALF THE
PEOPLE THAT WORK AT A COMPANY
UNLESS YOU HAVE A PLAN.
>> YEAH, I MEAN I DON'T KNOW.
THIS GUY SIGN SOME PAPERWORK
EIGHT MONTHS AGO THAT IT BECAME
VERY CLEAR HE DIDN'T WANT TO
SIGN AND LATER ON SPENT SEVEN
MONTHS TRYING TO RENEGE ON IT.
IF HE HAS A PLAN I WOULD LIKE TO
SEE IT, IT IS NOT A PUBLICLY
AVAILABLE ONE.
>> John: RIGHT.
IT SURE SEEMS LIKE ELON MUSK
DOESN'T HAVE A PLAN, HE SEEMS TO
BE CROWDSOURCING ADVICE WITH
DESPERATE TWEETS LIKE "WHAT
SHOULD TWITTER DO NEXT?"
THAT'S WHEN HE'S NOT SHARING
MEMES, HE CAPTIONED THIS ROCKS.
THIS IS WHAT HE SPENT
$44 BILLION TO DO, TO TWEET THIS
ROCK JOKE.
WE MIGHT NEED TO MAKE COMEDY
ILLEGAL AGAIN.
NOT ONLY HAVE MULTIPLE LABOR
LAWSUITS ALREADY BEEN FILED,
TWITTER HAS BEEN OPERATING UNDER
THE CONSENT DECREE FROM THE FTC
REQUIRING SPECIAL OVERSIGHT
AFTER ALLEGATIONS OF USER DATA
MISUSE BUT SEVERAL KEY PEOPLE
RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT OVERSIGHT
ARE NOW GONE.
WHILE HIS ONLINE PERSONA HAS
BEEN A FUN TROLL DURING AN
APPEARANCE ON MONDAY YOU GOT THE
SENSE THAT THE FUND MAY HAVE
WORN OFF FOR HIM.
>> I'M REALLY WORKING THE
ABSOLUTE MOST AMOUNT I CAN WORK
FROM MORNING UNTIL NIGHT SEVEN
DAYS A WEEK.
THIS IS NOT SOMETHING I WOULD
RECOMMEND, FRANKLY.
YEAH.
[LAUGHTER]
I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY.
>> John: HOLY SHIT!
THAT MAN IS IN EVERY POSSIBLE
SENSE IN A VERY DARK PLACE.
THE ENTIRE VIBE OF THAT VIDEO IS
"WIZARD OF OZ" SUICIDE NOTE.
WHO KNOWS WHAT IS GOING TO
HAPPEN FROM HERE?
HE CERTAINLY DOESN'T SEEM TO HE
HAS DECIMATED HIS STAFF AND HIS
PRODUCT, HE CAN TRY TO SELL
WHAT'S LEFT OF TWITTER OR HE CAN
CONTINUE FUNCTIONALLY WORSE THAN
BEFORE AS A FREE-FOR-ALL DIGITAL
CLOWN TOWN.
THE POTENTIAL COLLAPSE OF THIS
SITE HAS BEEN SAD FOR THE
WORKERS AND THOSE WHO HAVE
RELIED ON IT THERE IS UNDENIABLY
SOMETHING A LITTLE SATISFYING
ABOUT A GUY WHO WAS SO DESPERATE
TO BE PERCEIVED AS COOL AND
FUNNY ON THE INTERNET THAT HE
PAID $44 BILLION TO MAKE IT
HAPPEN ONLY TO DISCOVER THAT HE
STILL SOMEHOW COULDN'T AFFORD
IT.
LET THAT ONE SINK IN.
AND NOW, THIS.
>> AND NOW, PEOPLE ON TV HAVE
SOME THOUGHTS ON THANKSGIVING
FOOD.
>> THE SIDES, EVERYTHING ELSE
INVOLVED IN THANKSGIVING.
FOOTBALL, FRIENDS, FAMILY --
TURKEY?
NO.
>> I LOVE ALL THE OTHER
LEFTOVERS, JUST NOT THE TURKEY.
IT SMELLS REALLY BAD TO ME.
>> TURKEY TASTES LIKE DIRT, HAM
TASTES LIKE SALTED DIRT.
>> I DON'T LIKE SWEET POTATOES.
>> I REMEMBER THAT.
>> I'VE HEARD RECENTLY THAT SAY
WHITE PEOPLE THING.
>> I WAS GOING TO SAY THAT BUT I
DIDN'T WANT TO BE OFFENSIVE.
>> NOBODY EATS ALL THE GREEN
BEAN CASSEROLE WHEN I MAKE IT.
>> I DON'T LIKE THE FEELING ON
THE ROOF OF MY MOUTH.
>> THE ONLY THING MY KID WILL
EAT ARE THE BISCUITS HE HAD
THANKSGIVING FOOD.
>> I TRIED TO.
I MAKE REALLY GOOD GREEN BEAN
CASSEROLE TOO.
>> APPARENTLY NOT!
[LAUGHTER]
>> John: MOVING ON OUR MAIN
STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS THE
WORLD CUP, IT'S LIKE THE
SUPER BOWL EXCEPT THE REST OF
THE WORLD ACTUALLY GIVES A FUCK.
THE WORLD CUP IS A BIG DEAL, A
COUNTRY QUALIFYING FOR IT IS A
HUGE CELEBRATION.
WATCH THIS AUSTRALIAN REPORTER
WHEN HIS NATION TO PERU ON
PENALTIES TO MAKE IT TO THE
TOURNAMENT.
>> WE ARE THROUGH, WE ARE
THROUGH!
HOW GOOD IS THIS?
[SCREAMING]
HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
[LAUGHTER]
>> John: THERE IS NOTHING NOT
TO LOVE ABOUT THAT FROM THE
REPORTER HOLDING OUT HIS
MICROPHONE TO AMPLIFY PEOPLES
JOY SHRIEKING TO THE GUY KISSING
THE CAMERA TO SOMEONE STEALING
HIS STAFF WOULD SADLY HE NEVER
GOT BACK AND THE REASON I KNOW
THAT IS I HAVE IT NOW.
IT USED TO BE YOUR MOM'S BUT NOW
IT'S ALL MINE.
THE WORLD CUP GOT UNDERWAY TODAY
AND WE HAVE TALKED BEFORE ABOUT
THE ORGANIZATION BEHIND IT --
FEE FOR A CARTEL-LIKE GROUP OF
SCUMBAGS, ASSORTED CRIMINALS WHO
OCCASIONALLY PUT ON SOCCER
MATCHES.
FEVER HAS ALWAYS BEEN TERRIBLE
WHICH IS WHAT MAKES IT A LITTLE
HARD WHO CLAIMS THEIR EVENT
ISN'T JUST ABOUT SPORT IT'S A
NET POSITIVE FOR HUMANITY.
>> THIS WORLD CUP TOURNAMENT OF
PEACE AND UNITY WILL BE THE ONE
THAT BRINGS THE WORLD TOGETHER
AFTER SOME DIFFICULT TIMES.
WE SHOULD NEVER UNDERESTIMATE
THE UNIFYING POWER THAT
SOMETHING SO UNIQUE HAS.
>> John: THAT IS SOME PRETTY
GRANDIOSE TALK COMING FROM THE
START OF WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE
EYEBROWS, CHARLIE BROWN?
THE TRUTH IS MORE COMPLICATED
THAN THAT WHICH IS NOT TO SAY I
AM NOT EXCITED ABOUT THE
WORLD CUP BECAUSE I AM.
IT ONLY HAPPENS EVERY FOUR YEARS
AND I LOOK FORWARD TO IT THE WAY
PEOPLE WITH LEAP YEAR BIRTHDAYS
LOOK FORWARD TO LEAP YEARS WITH
AN ENTHUSIASM SOMEWHERE BETWEEN
UNDERSTANDABLE AND HONESTLY KIND
OF PATHETIC.
THIS WORLD CUP IS BEING HOSTED
FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME IN THE
MIDDLE EAST BY THE SMALL NATION
OF QATAR WHICH IS GOING ALL OUT
TURNING IT INTO A MAJOR BRANDING
EVENT, SIGNING A MASSIVE
MULTIMILLION DOLLAR AGREEMENT
WITH DAVID BECKHAM TO BE AN
AMBASSADOR FOR THE COUNTRY WHICH
PRESUMABLY INCLUDES GETTING HIM
TO MAKE MORE VIDEOS LIKE THIS.
>> I THINK EVERYONE KNOWS HOW
MUCH I LOVE FOOD AND THE FOOD
CULTURE IS VERY EXCITING AND
QATAR.
I LOVE TO GO TO SPICE MARKETS, I
LOVE TO GO TO FISH MARKETS.
>> EVERYBODY KNOWS HOW MUCH I
LOVE A TACO.
>> WE ARE NOW IN THIS AMAZING
PLACE USING THE TRADITIONAL
SPICES.
>> I LOVE WRITING I LOVE A BIKE
COMMUNITY.
>> I LOVE BEING IN THE MIDDLE OF
NOWHERE AND TALKING AND EATING,
THIS IS PERFECTION FOR ME.
>> John: BY MY COUNT,
DAVID BECKHAM OF THE FOLLOWING.
FOOD, FOOD CULTURE, SPICE
MARKETS, FISH MARKETS, A TACO,
BIKE CULTURE, AND BEING IN THE
MIDDLE OF NOWHERE EATING AND
TALKING.
THEY BELIEVE SHOULD HAVE JUST
KEPT TAKING HIM TO PLACES TO SEE
WHAT THEY COULD GET HIM TO SAY
WHAT HE LOVES HER MONEY.
>> I LOVE PUBLIC BATHROOMS, I
LOVE SYMMETRIES, EVERYONE KNOWS
HOW MUCH I LOVE TOMBSTONES AND
GRIEVING FAMILIES.
I LOVE PROCTOLOGIST CULTURE,
THIS IS PERFECTION FOR ME.
>> John: THE NEXT MONTH IS
QATAR'S BIG MONTH ON THE WORLD
STAGE HOSTING AN EVENT THAT
EXPECTS TO ATTRACT OVER A
MILLION SPECTATORS IN PERSON TO
A COUNTRY JUST THE SIZE OF
CONNECTICUT'S.
AS YOU MAY HAVE HEARD UNDERNEATH
THE PAGEANTRY AND DAVID BECKHAM
DOING BAD ANTHONY BOURDAIN
COSPLAY IS A MUCH DARKER STORY.
SMALL SIGNS OF WHICH HAVE LEAKED
OUT THIS WEEK LIKE IN THIS
MOMENT FROM A DANISH REPORTER.
[SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH LANGUAGE]
>> WE ARE LIVE ON DANISH
TELEVISION.
YOU INVITED THE WHOLE WORLD TO
COME HERE, WHY CAN'T WE FILM?
IS A PUBLIC PLACE.
>> YOU WANT TO BREAK THE CAMERA?
OKAY.
>> YOU'RE THREATENING US BY
SMASHING THE CAMERA.
>> John: HE WAS ASKED HOW
WOULD YOU DESCRIBE WORKING
CONDITIONS FOR JOURNALISTS IN
THE QATAR AND SECONDS LATER A
BUNCH OF GOLF CART DUNES SHOWED
UP TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION FOR
HIM.
CREDIT TO THIS GUY FOR BEING SO
EXCITED TO APPEAR ON DANISH TV
THAT HE GAVE THE CAMERA A LITTLE
WAVE BEFORE PRESUMABLY SMASHING
THE SHIT OUT OF IT.
HARASSING JOURNALISTS IS THE TIP
OF THE ICEBERG HERE, ONE THAT
INCLUDES A HOST OF HUMAN RIGHTS
VIOLATIONS.
GIVEN ALL OF THAT, TONIGHT LET'S
TALK ABOUT THE QATAR WORLD CUP
AND LET'S START GOING BACK TO
THE MOMENT BACK IN 2012 WHEN THE
WINNER OF THE BID TO HOST THIS
TOURNAMENT WAS ANNOUNCED BY THE
FORMER HEAD OF FIFA.
>> THE WINNER TO ORGANIZE THE
2022 FIFA WORLD CUP IS QATAR.
>> John: AS A GENERAL RULE I
TRIED NOT TO MAKE FUN OF OLD MEN
WHO DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH AS A
FIRST LANGUAGE BUT DUE TO EVIL
HE IS AN EXCEPTION BUT HIM
SAYING TWO, 22 WILL ALWAYS BE
FUNNY TO ME.
FOR REASONS FIFA WERE FULLY
AWARE OF, QATAR WAS AN UNSOUND
CHOICE FOR A SUMMER SOCCER
TOURNAMENT.
>> FIFA CONDUCTED ITS OWN
OBJECTIVE ANALYSIS WHICH FOUND
QATAR WAS AN UNSUITABLE PLACE
FOR THE WORLD CUP AND A
DANGEROUS PLACE TO HOLD THE
WORLD CUP.
SUMMER TEMPERATURES WOULD BE A
HAZARD TO THE HEALTH OF PLAYERS
AND THE FANS.
DETHEY DIDN'T HAVE THE SPACE FOR
THE STADIUM INFRASTRUCTURE THAT
WAS REQUIRED.
>> THEY WOULD HAVE TO BUILD 90
NEW STADIUMS, THERE WASN'T
ENOUGH ROOM FOR THEM SO THEY
WOULD HAVE TO CREATE A WHOLE NEW
CITY.
>> John: QATAR WASN'T A
SURPRISING CHOICE IT WAS
LOGICALLY INEXPLICABLE.
IT WOULD BE LIKE AT THE
WESTMINSTER DOG SHOW AWARD OF
THE BEST IN SHOW TITLE TO THE
TORTOISE -- NOTHING AGAINST THAT
TORTOISE BUT NOT ONLY SHOULD IT
NOT HAVE WON IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN
AUTOMATICALLY DISQUALIFIED.
THE FIRST AND MOST OBVIOUS
PROBLEM IS QATAR IS NOTORIOUSLY
SCORCHING HOT IN THE SUMMER,
THAT IS WHY FIFA EVENTUALLY MOVE
THE WORLD CUP TO NOVEMBER BUT
QATAR'S INITIAL FIRST PITCH
PRETENDED HEAT WASN'T AN ISSUE
PROMISING THEY WOULD BUILD
OUTDOOR STADIUMS WHILE
SCIENTISTS PITCHED IDEAS LIKE A
MASSIVE REMOTE CONTROL
ARTIFICIAL CLOUD THEY CAN MOVE
AROUND TO COVER STADIUMS IN
SHADE.
WHICH DIDN'T EXIST AND WOULDN'T
SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM ANYWAY.
IT'S THE MULTIMILLION DOLLAR
EQUIVALENT OF PULLING DOWN THE
CAR FLAP TO KEEP THE SUN OUT OF
YOUR EYES.
YOU WOULD BE SURPRISED TO LEARN
OF THE MANY ACCUSATIONS THAT
THEY WON THEIR WORLD CUP A BIT
THROUGH BRIBERY WITH ALLEGATIONS
INCLUDING THREE OFFICIALS WHO
AGREED TO VOTE FOR QATAR DID SO
IN EXCHANGE FOR A MILLION
DOLLARS EACH AND I WON'T SAY
QATAR DEFINITELY GOT THE
WORLD CUP THROUGH BRIBERY AND I
WON'T SAY THEY DIDN'T AND I WILL
SAY THAT THEY DID.
[LAUGHTER]
AND WHILE THEY DENIED THERE WAS
ANY MISCONDUCT IN THEIR BID TO
THE FACT REMAINS THEY WERE GOING
TO NEED TO BUILD AND NOT JUST A
BUNCH OF NEW STADIUMS BUT ALSO A
NEW AIRPORT, METRO SYSTEM, ROADS
AND ABOUT A HUNDRED NEW HOTELS.
THEY HAD TO BUILD SO MUCH NEW
INFRASTRUCTURE THAT EVEN THE
WORLD CUP'S MASCOT DOESN'T SEEM
TO BE ABLE TO BELIEVE WHAT HIS
COUNTRY HAS JUST DONE.
>> THE FIRST THING I WANT TO
SHOW YOU ARE THE STADIUMS!
THE STADIUMS!
IT'S MIND-BLOWING ARENAS
DESIGNED BY SOME OF THE BEST
ARCHITECTS IN THE WORLD.
THIS IS THE SAME CITY, CAN YOU
BELIEVE IT DIDN'T EXIST TEN
YEARS AGO?
NOW IT'S ONE OF THE CITIES
HOSTING THE WORLD CUP.
>> John: I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT
CITY WASN'T THERE TEN YEARS AGO
AND IT'S A BIT ALARMING.
IF YOU DROPPED BY AN EMPTY PLOT
OF LAND WITH A SIGN READING
COMING SOON AT TGI FRIDAY'S AND
THE VERY NEXT DAY YOU SAW THE
GRAND OPENING OF IT YOU WOULD
HAVE SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT HOW
THE FUCK IT HAPPENED THAT FAST.
ACCORDING TO ONE ESTIMATE THE
GOVERNMENT HAS SPENT MORE THAN
$300 BILLION ON INFO STRUCTURE
PROJECTS AND THEY CAN AFFORD
THAT.
THEY HAVE A LOT OF MONEY THANKS
TO THEIR HUGE OIL AND NATURAL
GAS RESERVES.
WHAT THEY DON'T HAVE A LOT OF
HIS CITIZENS.
NATIONALS ONLY NUMBER ABOUT
380,000.
HOWEVER THE COUNTRY HAS A
POPULATION OF NEARLY 3 MILLION
AND THAT IS BECAUSE 90% OF IT
CONSIST OF FOREIGNERS AND
MIGRANT WORKERS AND ITS MIGRANT
WORKERS WHO PROVIDE MOST OF THE
MANUAL LABOR THERE AND THOSE ARE
THE ONES WHO HAD TO BUILD ALL
THE NEW INFRASTRUCTURE FOR THIS
TOURNAMENT WHICH BRINGS US TO
ONE OF THE MAJOR SCANDALS.
>> QATAR RECRUITED HUNDREDS OF
THOUSANDS OF WORKERS MAINLY FROM
INDIA, NEPAL, AND BANGLADESH NEW
AGENCIES IN THEIR HOME COUNTRIES
JUST TO SECURE A JOB MIGRANTS
HAD LITTLE CHOICE BUT TO PAY
RECRUITMENT FEES OF UP TO $4,000
BEFORE THEY LEFT THE COUNTRY.
ONCE THEY GOT TO QATAR, THEY
WERE ALREADY IN DEBT AND TRAPPED
IN A SYSTEM KNOWN IN THE
MIDDLE EAST.
>> THE SYSTEM CAN BE A FORM OF
MODERN-DAY SLAVERY AND THE
FEATURES OF IT AMOUNT IN SOME
CASES THE FORCED LABOR.
>> John: ALL THE NEW STADIUMS
AND INFRASTRUCTURE WERE
ESSENTIALLY BUILT THROUGH
MODERN-DAY SLAVERY.
WE SHOULD PROBABLY INTRODUCE A
NEW COLLECTIVE NOUN, A GAGGLE OF
GEESE, A POD OF WHALES, AND
ATROCITY OF STADIUMS.
IT EXISTS IN SOME FORM IN
SEVERAL COUNTRIES IN THE
MIDDLE EAST.
WORKERS COME TO SWITCH JOBS OR
LEAVE THE COUNTRY WITHOUT
EXPLICIT CONDITION OF THEIR
EMPLOYER, THEY LITERALLY HAVE
THEIR PASSPORT TAKEN AWAY.
BEING SO DEPENDENT ON AN
EMPLOYER MEANS LABORERS EDIT
VIRTUALLY NO RIGHTS.
A LABORER FROM NEPAL MAINTAINS
HE WAS UNDERPAID AND FOR DOING
WORK IN BRUTAL CONDITIONS.
[SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH LANGUAGE]
>> I WENT TO QATAR IN 2019 ON
THE 21ST OF MARCH I STARTED
WORKING AT THE STADIUM.
IT WAS VERY HOT, GOT UP TO
52 DEGREES CELSIUS THE FIRST
YEAR I WAS THERE.
I USED TO SWEAT IN THE EXACT WAY
AS IF IT WAS RAINING FROM THE
SKY.
>> John: YOU KNOW HOW HOT
52 DEGREES CELSIUS IS?
ITS 125 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT.
IF YOU BUILD A STADIUM IN THAT
HEAT YOU SHOULD GET TO OWN IT.
THAT SHOULDN'T BE STADIUM, THAT
SHOULD BE HIS FUCKING STADIUM
AND NO ONE SHOULD BE ALLOWED
INSIDE IT WITHOUT SAYING THAT
OUT LOUD.
THERE'S SOMETHING PRETTY FUCKED
UP WITHOUT ARGUING IT'S TOO HOT
FOR PEAK ATHLETES TO BE OUTSIDE
FOR 90 MINUTES BUT IT'S
COMPLETELY FINE TO BUILD
STADIUMS AND THAT HEAT FOR HOURS
A DAY AND MONTHS ON END.
THAT'S NOT GETTING INTO THE
LIVING CONDITIONS THEY WERE
SUBJECTED TO.
>> WE DROVE OUTSIDE THE CITY TO
A PLACE THE GOVERNMENT DOESN'T
WANT PEOPLE TO SEE -- THE
SPRAWLING LABOR CAMPS WERE THE
WORKERS ARE HOUSED.
MEN WERE PACKED WALL-TO-WALL,
EIGHT TO A ROOM.
THE HEAT WAS STIFLING.
THE KITCHEN FILTHY.
THE BEDS THEY TOLD US INFESTED
WITH BEDBUGS.
HE LIVES HERE AMONG 150 OTHER
MEN.
THEY SHARED TWO BATHROOMS.
>> THERE IS NO SHOWER HERE, KNOW
WHAT TO WASH YOUR BODY, WHERE
YOU WASH YOUR BODY?
YOU WASH YOUR BODY IN THE TOILE
TOILET?
>> HARD TO BELIEVE BUT IN THESE
CAMPS IT'S ROUTINE.
AT ANOTHER CAMP OF THE TOILETS
OVERFLOWED WITH SEWAGE AND TWO
FILTHY KITCHENS WERE BEING
SHARED BY 600 MEN.
>> John: THAT IS HORRIFYING.
NO ONE SHOULD EVER HAVE TO LIVE
LIKE THAT -- JUST WAIT UNTIL HE
FINDS OUT ABOUT THIS.
YEAH, YOUR TOURNAMENT IS BUILT
ON HUMAN SUFFERING, BUT HE.
YOU SHOULD KNOW WHEN THAT
REPORTER TALKED TO THE HEAD OF
ONE OF THE LEADING SPORTS
ORGANIZATIONS, IT DIDN'T GO WEL
WELL.
>> YOU GO YOURSELF AND
INVESTIGATE YOU WILL SEE THEM
LIVING IN A VERY COMFORTABLE,
HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT.
>> COMFORTABLE AND HEALTHY?
>> A VERY HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT.
>> WITH ALL DUE RESPECT WE HAVE
GONE TO THE CAMPS.
>> YOU WENT YOURSELF?
>> THIS WEEK IN DOHA YOU HAVE
HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF MEN
LIVING IN LABOR CAMPS.
SOME OF THEM PACKED INTO SMALL
ROOMS, EIGHT MEN TO A ROOM LIKE
THE ONE WE SAW.
TEN MEN SHARING A TOILET, NO
SHOWERS, HAVE YOU BEEN TO THE
LABOR CAMPS YOURSELF?
>> I'M NOT GOING TO ANSWER
QUESTIONS.
>> YOU DON'T WANT TO ANSWER
THAT.
>> OF COURSE YOU DON'T WANT TO
ANSWER THAT.
>> WE WERE TOLD THE INTERVIEW
WAS OVER.
>> John: INCREDIBLE.
NOTHING SAYS WORKERS LIVE IN A
COMFORTABLE AND HEALTHY
ENVIRONMENT QUITE LIKE LEAVING
THE ROOM 30 SECONDS AFTER YOU
REALIZE THE PERSON YOU'RE
TALKING TO HAS SEEN THAT
ENVIRONMENT.
INVESTIGATION FOUND SEXY 500
MIGRANT WORKERS DIED IN QATAR
FROM 2102 MAX 2020.
THAT NUMBER ACCOUNTS FOR ALL
MIGRANT WORKER DEATHS IN QATAR,
NOT JUST THOSE WHO WORKED ON
STADIUMS.
THE GOVERNMENT'S PREFERRED
ACCOUNT SAID THERE HAD ACTUALLY
ONLY BEEN 37 DEATHS AMONG
LABORERS AT WORLD CUP OF
STADIUMS AND ONLY THREE WERE
WORK-RELATED TO.
IF THAT NUMBER SEEMS
SUSPICIOUSLY LOW TO YOU, IT'S
BECAUSE IT VERY MUCH IS.
THEIR PREFERRED ACCOUNT IS
CONVENIENTLY LIMITED TO THE
SMALL HANDFUL OF WORK SITES THAT
WERE UNDER THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF
SCRUTINY AND TO EXCLUDE THE
HUNDREDS OF OTHER WORLD CUP
RELATED PROJECTS.
WHAT'S MORE, AUTOPSIES WEREN'T
DONE ON MOST OF THESE WORKERS
WITH ONE INVESTIGATION FINDING
NEARLY 70% OF DEATHS OF INDIAN,
NEPALI, AND BANGLADESHI
NATIONALS WERE ATTRIBUTED TO
NATURAL CAUSES OR CARDIAC ARREST
WHICH FEELS VAGUE BECAUSE
CARDIAC ARREST JUST MEANS THEIR
HEART STOPPED WHICH IS LITERALLY
HOW EVERYBODY DIES.
I CAN TELL YOU WITH FULL
CONFIDENCE THAT HIS HEART
STOPPED IS BOTH HOW I AND
KID ROCK WILL DIE -- THAT
DOESN'T MEAN OUR CARDIAC ARREST
WILL BE CAUSED BY THE SAME
THING.
ONE OF OUR DEATHS WILL LIKELY
INVOLVE A LOT OF METH, A MONSTER
TRUCK AND A VARIETY OF ILLEGAL
FIREWORKS.
AND THE OTHER DEATH WILL BE
KID ROCK'S.
QATAR WILL ARGUE THEY HAVE MADE
SIGNIFICANT LABOR REFORMS IT'S
SOMETHING THE HEAD OF THEIR
WORLD CUP EFFORTS HAS PROUDLY
BRAGGED ABOUT.
>> IF WE LOOK AT THE ACTIONS THE
GOVERNMENT HAS TAKEN SO FAR,
LAWS IMPLEMENTED SO FAR BEING
APPLIED AS WELL.
THE KAFALA SYSTEM HAS BEEN
DISMANTLED.
ALLOWING WORKERS TO CHANGE
EMPLOYERS AND ALSO AT THE SAME
TIME THERE WAS THE EXIT PERMIT
SYSTEM.
>> THEY COULDN'T LEAVE WITHOUT
PERMISSION.
>> THAT HAS BEEN DISMANTLED AS
WELL.
>> John: THOSE SOUND GREAT AND
TO AN EXTENT THAT THEY ARE BUT
THEY ALSO HAVE SOME MAJOR
ASTERISKS ON THEM.
WORKERS IN QATAR HAVE SAID THEY
ARE STILL REQUIRED TO GET
PERMISSION FROM THE CURRENT
EMPLOYER BEFORE THEY CAN MOVE TO
A NEW JOB AND HAVE ALSO
EXPERIENCED RETALIATION FROM
THEIR EMPLOYERS WHEN THEY TRY TO
LEAVE BUT ALSO THE REFORMS HE'S
BRAGGING ABOUT ONLY BEGAN TO BE
IMPLEMENTED IN 2018 WHEN MUCH OF
THE HARD WORK WAS ALREADY DONE.
HE IS BRAGGING ABOUT DISMANTLING
THE KAFALA SYSTEM WHILE SITTING
IN A STADIUM BUILT USING IT.
THE ONLY WAY THAT PAT ON THE
BACK COULD HAVE BEEN MORE
HYPOCRITICAL AS IF HE FORCED A
MIGRANT WORKER TO DO IT FOR HIM
AND 120-DEGREE HEAT.
INCREDIBLY IT'S NOT JUST QATAR
BRAGGING ABOUT THE PROGRESS
THAT'S BEING MADE, FIFA HAS HAD
THE NERVE TO CLAIM CREDIT FOR IT
TOO.
>> ALL THE CHANGES THAT HAVE
HAPPENED IN THIS COUNTRY IN
TERMS OF HUMAN RIGHTS AND
WORKERS RIGHTS AND SO ON, HUMAN
RIGHTS -- WOULD NOT HAVE
HAPPENED OR CERTAINLY NOT AT THE
SAME SPEED WITHOUT THE PROJECT
OF THE WORLD CUP.
>> John: THAT IS ONE OF A
FUCKING CLAIM BECAUSE YOU CANNOT
POSSIBLY ARGUE FIFA DESERVES
CREDIT.
THERE A VALUATION OF QATAR'S BID
HAD ZERO MENTIONED OF HUMAN
RIGHTS OR DEMANDS FOR LABOR
REFORMS.
THINK ABOUT IT LIKE THIS, IF THE
COUNTRY MADE NO CHANGES TO ITS
KAFALA SYSTEM AND PASSED A LAW
CALLED THE DOUBLING DOWN ON
SLAVE LABOR ACT OF 2019 YOU KNOW
WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED?
THE WORLD CUP STILL WOULD HAVE
KICKED OFF IN QATAR TODAY, ISN'T
THAT RIGHT?
;-) IF YOU AGREE.
HIM I FUCKING KNEW IT, I KNEW
YOU KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON
THERE.
WHEN FIFA AWARDED QATAR THE
WORLD CUP THERE WAS ONLY ONE WAY
THE STADIUMS WERE GETTING BUILT
AND THERE'S ONLY ONE GROUP OF
PEOPLE WHO WERE GOING TO DO IT
AND THEY GAVE THEM THE
TOURNAMENT ANYWAY.
THAT IS NOT THE ONLY TROUBLING
THING THEY HAD TO HAVE KNOWN
BACK THEN BECAUSE LET'S TAKE A
LOOK AT QATAR'S HUMAN RIGHTS
SITUATION.
I RECOGNIZE EVERY COUNTRY HAS
HUMAN RIGHTS ISSUES INCLUDING
THIS ONE.
FOR MORE ON THAT, SEE EVERY
OTHER STORY THIS SHOW HAS EVER
DONE.
QATAR IS IN SOME WAYS NEXT
LEVEL.
WOMEN HAD VERY LIMITED RIGHTS
THEY NEED PERMISSION FOR THEIR
MALE GUARDIANS TO MARRY, WORK IN
GOVERNMENT JOBS AND TRAVEL
ABROAD UNTIL CERTAIN AGES ALSO
BECAUSE SEX OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE
IS ILLEGAL, PREGNANT WOMEN HAVE
TO PRESENT A MARRIAGE
SIGNIFICANT TO RECEIVE PRENATAL
CARE WHICH I HESITATE TO TELL
YOU ABOUT JUST IN CASE THE
SUPREME COURT IS WATCHING THE
SHOW TONIGHT AND GETTING ANY NEW
IDEAS.
AS FOR THE LGBT COMMUNITY,
SEXUAL CONDUCT BETWEEN MEN IS
CRIMINALIZED AND CAN RESULT IN
SEVEN YEARS IN PRISON.
FIFA WAS NOT UNAWARE OF THIS.
HE JOKED ABOUT IT JUST DAYS
AFTER QATAR WAS AWARDED THE
TOURNAMENT WHEN HE WAS ASKED
WHAT ADVICE HE WOULD GIVE TO GAY
FANS WHO WANTED TO TRAVEL TO
QATAR THIS WAS HIS RESPONSE.
>> I WOULD SAY THEY SHOULD
REFRAIN FROM ANY SEXUAL
ACTIVITIES.
>> John: THEY SAY IN COMEDY
YOU CAN EITHER PUNCH UP, PUNCH
DOWN, OR COSIGN OPPRESSIVE
GOVERNMENTS FOR A QUICK LAUGH
WHILE LOOKING LIKE THE PENGUIN
WENT TO WHARTON, WE ALL KNOW
WHICH OPTION HE JUST CHOSE
THERE.
GET THE SEPP BLATTER A NETFLIX
SPECIAL IT SEEMS LIKE HE'S
READY.
QATAR HAS REPEATED EVERYONE IS
WELCOME AT THIS WORLD CUP
INCLUDING GAY FANS.
BUT AS THIS GAY MAN WHO WAS
GRANTED ASYLUM SIDE OF THE
DANGERS HE FACED THEIR POINTS
OUT EVEN IF IT IS THE CASE FOR
THE NEXT FOUR WEEKS, IT'S A HELL
OF A BLIND EYE TO TURN.
>> IT'S LIKE HAVING A HOUSEHOLD
WITH CHILDREN THAT ARE
DOMESTICALLY ABUSED AND NOW
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A FANCY
DINNER PARTY.
PEOPLE CAN COME IN, THEY CAN
BRING THEIR KIDS, THEIR KIDS CAN
JUMP ON THE TABLE AND THEY CAN
DO EVERYTHING THEY WANT -- THE
CHILDREN THAT LIVE THERE ARE
GOING TO BE IN THE BASEMENT,
QUIET, BEHAVING AND THEY CAN'T
JUMP ON THE TABLE LIKE OTHER
KIDS THAT VISITED.
BECAUSE THEY WILL BE PUNISHED IN
THAT HOUSEHOLD FOR DOING IT.
NOW YOU KNOW THE CHILDREN THERE
ARE ABUSED.
SO HOW ARE YOU SHOWING UP TO THE
HOME?
>> John: EXACTLY.
A QATARI GOVERNMENT IS ENGAGING
IN HORRENDOUS BEHAVIOR AND WE
CAN'T GLOSS OVER THAT
UNCRITICALLY PUT IT IN THE
SPOTLIGHT TO.
IT'S AN AUTHORITARIAN REGIME,
NOT MEL FUCKING GIBSON.
HERE'S A FUN GAME, GUESS HOW
MANY MOVIES HE'S BEEN IN THIS
YEAR -- YOU'RE WRONG, IT'S
SEVEN!
THIS TRULY HAS BEEN THE YEAR OF
MEL.
THE WORKING CONDITIONS, THE
OPPRESSION OF WOMEN OR
GAY PEOPLE WAS A DEAL BREAKER,
IN FACT THERE AUTHORITARIAN
TENDENCIES MAY ACTUALLY HAVE
BEEN A DEAL SWEETENER.
FIFA HAS LONG HAD A SOFT SPOT
FOR AUTOCRATS I'M NOT JUST
SAYING THAT BECAUSE I GAVE THE
THE WORLD CUP TO RUSSIA AND 2018
OR WENT AHEAD WITH ONE IN
ARGENTINA IN 1978 WHEN IT WAS
RUN BY A MILITARY DICTATORSHIP
OR EVEN THEY HELD THE SECOND
WORLD CUP EVER IN MUSSOLINI'S
ITALY IN 1934.
THEY HAVE SET THEMSELVES, FIFA'S
SECRETARY GENERAL ONCE SAID I
WILL SAY SOMETHING WHICH IS
CRAZY BUT LESS DEMOCRACY IS
SOMETIMES BETTER FOR ORGANIZING
A WORLD CUP WHEN YOU HAVE A
STRONG HEAD OF STATE, THAT IS
EASIER FOR US ORGANIZERS.
EVEN FOR A QUOTE WHICH IS
PREFACED BY "I WILL SAY
SOMETHING WHICH IS CRAZY."
THAT IS FUCKING NUTS!
AUTHORITARIANS ARE GOOD FOR FIFA
AND THIEF IS GOOD FOR
AUTHORITARIANS AS THIS CRITIC
POINTS OUT RUSSIA'S WORLD CUP
FOUR YEARS AGO WAS PRECEDED BY A
LOT OF CONTROVERSY AND CRITICISM
BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT PEOPLE
REMEMBER ABOUT IT.
HIM >> HIM WHAT WE SAW IN THE
RUN UP TO 2018 WAS A LOT OF
COVERAGE OF WHAT WAS HAPPENING
IN RUSSIA, A LOT OF COVERAGE OF
RIGHTS ABUSES A LOT OF INTEREST
IN THAT AND A LOT OF ENGAGEMENT.
I THINK WHAT THEY NOTICED IS HOW
THAT VANISHED AS SOON AS THE
FIRST WHISTLE BLEW.
I THINK EVERYONE BECAME
CAPTIVATED BY THE FOOTBALL.
THE QATARIS KNOW IF THEY CAN GET
TO THE FIRST WHISTLE THEY ARE
OVER THE LINE.
>> John: IT'S TRUE, SUCH AS
THE POWER OF THE WORLD CUP.
MEMORIES OF CONTROVERSY ARE
LIKELY TO BE WASHED AWAY ONCE IT
BEGINS AND INCIDENTALLY, WHAT A
VIP BOX TO BE A PART OF THERE.
QUICK TIP FOR THE PRESIDENT OF
FIFA IF YOU'RE GOOD TO MAKE
ARGUMENTS ABOUT HOW YOUR
ORGANIZATION IS A GLOBAL FORCE
FOR GOOD MAYBE TRY NOT TO SIT
BETWEEN MOHAMMAD BIN SALMAN AND
VLADIMIR PUTIN.
YOU ARE THE FILLING IN A REAL
SHIT SANDWICH THERE.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT FIRST WHISTLE HAS NOW BEEN
BLOWN.
QATAR PLAYED ECUADOR IN THE
OPENING GAME OF THE TOURNAMENT
EARLIER TODAY, SO WHAT NOW?
WORKERS HOPE SOME OF THE
ATHLETES PARTICIPATING CAN HELP
SHINE A LIGHT ON ALL THE
EXPLOITATION THAT WENT INTO THIS
EVENT.
>> MY MESSAGE -- THOUSANDS OF
WORKERS LIKE ME HAVE WORKED ON
THE STADIUM.
WE DID NOT GET OUR SALARY, OUR
BENEFITS.
I HOPE IF YOU TALK ABOUT WORKERS
LIKE US, MAYBE WE WILL GET WHAT
WE ARE OWED.
I DO NOT HAVE MUCH FAITH BUT
STILL I HAVE HOPE.
>> John: THAT HOPE IS PRETTY
MOVING, ESPECIALLY GIVEN ALL THE
REASONS NOT TO HAVE ANY.
I REALLY HOPE MESSI HEARS THAT
MESSAGE, GIVEN THOUGH HE PLAYS
PARIS ST. GERMAIN A TEAM OWNED
BY THE STATE INVESTMENT FUND OF
QATAR AT ONE HOLD YOUR BREATH
WAITING FOR HIM TO CRITICIZE
THEM, PEOPLE DON'T OPENLY SHIT
ON THEIR EMPLOYERS UNLESS OF
COURSE IT'S
WARNER BROS.-DISCOVERY, THEY ARE
TO BUSILY CANCELING SHOWS THE
NOTICE.
SOME PLAYERS TO THEIR CREDIT
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING OUT TO.
HARRY KANE AND OTHER TEAM
CAPTAINS HAVE SAID THEY WILL
WEAR ONE LOVE ARMBAND AND
ORGANIZATIONS FROM AUSTRALIANS
NATIONAL TEAM TO THE
INTERNATIONAL PLAYERS UNION HAVE
ISSUED STATEMENTS CONDEMNING
TREATMENT OF WORKERS, WOMEN, AND
GAY PEOPLE.
IT'S NOT THE PLAYERS WHO ARE
RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS MESS, IT'S
FIFA.
THEY PUT THE WORLD CUP IN QATAR
AND EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED
SINCE THEN HAS BEEN A COMPLETE
DISGRACE.
I'M NOT SAYING YOU SHOULDN'T
WATCH THIS WORLD CUP OR BE
EXCITED ABOUT IT.
AS TOUGH AS THIS IS TO ADMIT, I
WILL BE WATCHING.
ONE OF MY GREATEST JOYS IS
SITTING COMPLETELY ALONE IN MY
LIVING ROOM AND CHEERING ON
ENGLAND UNTIL THEY ARE
INEVITABLY KNOCKED OUT IN THE
QUARTERFINALS ON PENALTIES.
LET'S TRY TO MAKE SURE A LINE IS
DRAWN HERE.
IN A FEW WEEKS' TIME, THE
WORLD CUP WILL BE OVER.
THE FINAL WHISTLE WILL BE BLOWN
ON DECEMBER 18TH IN THE STADIUM
THAT HE BUILT IN A CITY THAT
DIDN'T EXIST TEN YEARS AGO AND
FIFA WILL HAPPILY MOVE ON.
THEY WILL POINT TO NEW HUMAN
RIGHTS POLICIES THEY HAVE NOW
ADOPTED, WE'LL SEE HOW TRULY
COMMITTED TO THOSE THEY REALLY
ARE ESPECIALLY ONE OF THE
SUITORS TO HOST THE 2030 CUP IS
RUMORED TO BE SAUDI ARABIA WHICH
ALSO USES THE KAFALA SYSTEM THAT
HAS A WORSE HUMAN RIGHTS RECORD
THEN QATAR.
THERE IS NO REASON TO BELIEVE
FIFA WILL EVER DO THE RIGHT
THING BUT I WOULD LOVE IT IF IT
COULD FOR JUST ONCE IN ITS
SHITTY HISTORY FIND A WAY TO
HOLD ITSELF TO THE LOFTY IDEALS
THAT IT HAS THE GALL TO PROFESS.
I WOULD LOVE THAT AS MUCH AS I
LOVE THE WORLD CUP ITSELF AND
MAY BE, JUST, EVEN AS MUCH AS
DAVID BECKHAM LOVES A TACO.
BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE PERFECTION
FOR ME.
AND NOW, THIS.
>> AND NOW, PEOPLE ON TV
INTERROGATE THE IMPORTANT
QUESTION.
DO YOU SAY PECAN OR PECAN?
>> IT'S PECAN.
I WILL TRUST A SOUTHERNER ON
THIS ONE.
>> YOU DON'T LIKE PECAN PIE?
>> IT'S PECAN.
>> I'M GLAD YOU SAY PECAN.
>> WE HAVE TOASTED PECANS.
>> I SAY PECAN.
>> FIVE END.
>> WHAT ELSE --
>> I SAY PECAN.
>> OF COURSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
TO SAY.
>> WHO WANTS TO EAT SOMETHING
CALLED THE PECAN?
>> IT'S NOT A URINARY DEVICE.
>> THEY ARE BOTH DELICIOUS, I
DON'T CARE.
>> I SAY THANKS SO MUCH, NOW ONE
OF OUR GOOD FRIENDS --
>> John: MOVING ON.
BEFORE WE GO, THIS IS OUR FINAL
SHOW OF THE YEAR AND FRANKLY IT
HAS BEEN A TURBULENT ONE FROM
BRITAIN HAVING ITS SHORTEST AND
WEIRDEST SERVING PRIME MINISTER
EVER TO ROE V. WADE BEING
OVERTURNED, TO RUSSIA'S WAR IN
UKRAINE WHICH LEST WE FORGET
BEGAN BACK IN FEBRUARY WITH THE
HAUNTING SOUND OF AIR RAID
SIRENS AND WAS COVERED ON CNN
WITH THIS JARRING MOMENT.
[SIRENS]
♪ ♪
>> GET FIVE BONELESS WINGS FOR
$1 WITH ANY HANDCRAFTED BURGER
ONLY AT APPLEBEE'S.
>> John: THE POINT IS IT HAS
BEEN A VERY WEIRD YEAR.
THANKFULLY WE DID MANAGE TO HAVE
SOME FUN.
WE PRODUCED A SUBWAY SANDWICH
KOREAN DRAMA, WE SENT A POLAR
BEAR TO BET ON AN ICE MELTING
CONTEST IN ALASKA, WE
BLACKMAILED CONGRESS WITH
INFORMATION WE VERY MUCH HAVE
AND NICK OFFERMAN BLEW UP A
TRASH CAN TO MAKE A POINT ABOUT
ELECTIONS.
OUR WEIRDEST MOMENT CAME WHEN WE
DISCUSSED AI IMAGE GENERATORS
BECAUSE YOU MAY REMEMBER WE
LEARNED PEOPLE MADE A
SURPRISINGLY LARGE NUMBER OF
IMAGES OF ME WITH THIS GENERATOR
ALONE FEATURING AROUND 500 OF
THEM.
WE STUMBLED ON A WHOLE SEQUENCE
OF IMAGES THAT INVOLVED ME
FALLING IN LOVE WITH THE CABBAGE
AND MARRYING IT.
SOMETHING WE RECREATE IT IN
PERSON WITH STEVE BUSCEMI
PRESIDING AS THE WEDDING
OFFICIANT TO.
I MARRIED A CABBAGE THIS YEAR
AND IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL DAY.
I HAVE A QUICK UPDATE BECAUSE WE
CHECKED THAT THE GENERATOR SEE
IF MORE IMAGES WILL BE MADE OF
ME AND IT TURNS OUT THAT THEY
VERY MUCH HAVE.
A SEARCH FOR MY NAME ON THERE
CURRENTLY RETURNS OVER 15,000
RESULTS.
LET ME BE VERY CLEAR, THIS HAS
TO STOP.
THIS SHIT IS GETTING OUT OF HAN
HAND.
SOME USERS ARE CONTINUING TO
SPECULATE ON MY ROMANTIC
EXPLOITS WITH IMAGES LIKE JOHN
OLIVER IS NOW DATING A CARROT,
WHILE OTHERS HAVE MOVED ON LIKE
THIS ONE STARTING WITH THE
PROMPT TWO RACCOONS CONDUCTING
AN INTERVIEW OF JOHN OLIVER
WHICH PRODUCED THIS RESULT.
KUDOS WITH GOING WITH MY POINT
OF VIEW IN THAT SITUATION.
IT SEEMED TO BE SETTING A NEW
STORY IN MOTION IT BEGINS WITH
THIS PROMPT.
JOHN OLIVER YOON JOHN OLIVER
EUNA CYCLING TOWARDS A VERY
STEEP MOUNTAINOUS HILL WHICH
PROMPTED THIS ALMOST SERENE SET
OF IMAGES.
THERE WAS A DEVELOPMENT BECAUSE
THE NEXT IMAGES WHILE UNICYCLE
LINE UP A VERY STEEP MOUNTAINOUS
HILL, HE REALIZES HE CAN'T
UNICYCLE, DOESN'T EVER WANT TO
AND NOT ONLY IS HE AFRAID OF
HEIGHTS, HE LITERALLY HAS A
CRIPPLING FEAR OF UNICYCLES AS
HE TUMBLES DOWN THE HILL IN
AGONY HE SAYS HIS TRADEMARK
CATCHPHRASE "WHY DO UNICYCLES
EXIST?"
WHICH TO BE FAIR IS A THING I
SAY ALL THE TIME TO GO THERE ARE
A FEW IMAGES OF A POST-UNICYCLE
ACCIDENT IN THE HOSPITAL UNTIL
FINALLY THEY TYPE IN THE PROMPT
AFTER RECOVERING FROM HIS
UNICYCLE ACCIDENT HE RETURNS TO
HIS SHOW WHAT HE DOES ONE OF
THOSE WILD JOHN OLIVER HAS HBO
MONEY STUNTS, I GUESS HE TIES
TOGETHER A HUNDRED UNICYCLES AND
PAIRS OF TWO BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT
NATURE INTENDED TO.
THEN THERE ARE LIKE 50 CLOWNS ON
STAGE WRITING THE DANGEROUS JOHN
OLIVER BY UNICYCLES THEN HE'S
LIKE THAT'S OUR SHOW, SEE YOU
NEXT WEEK.
PICTURE IN YOUR MIND RIGHT NOW
WHAT A SPECTACULAR IMAGE WOULD
BE GENERATED BY THE DESCRIPTION
OF THAT.
DO YOU HAVE THAT IMAGE IN YOUR
MIND?
GOODS BECAUSE THIS IS THE IMAGE
THE AI PRODUCED.
VERY CLEVERLY FOCUSING ON THE
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK PART OF THAT
PROMPT.
LOOK HOW HAPPY I LOOK THERE!
IT IS SUCH A SHAME BECAUSE THE
CONCEPT OF CHAOTIC CLOWNS
WOBBLING AROUND DANGEROUSLY ON
UNICYCLES ACTUALLY FELT LIKE A
PRETTY DECENT METAPHOR THAT THE
YEAR WE JUST WENT THROUGH.
IT'S MESSY, IDIOTIC, A LITTLE
BIT SCARY AND IT FEELS LIKE
SOMEONE DIDN'T FULLY THINK IT
THROUGH.
IT'S FRUSTRATING NOT BEING ABLE
TO SEE THAT IMAGE FOR OURSELVES,
ISN'T IT?
...
IS SOMETHING SOMEONE MIGHT SAY
IF THEY DIDN'T HAVE ACCESS TO
OUR PRODUCTION BUDGET.
TO CLOSE OUT OUR SEASON, HERE IT
IS!
A PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION OF THE
LAST YEAR!
LOOK AT ALL THESE FUCKING CLOWN
CLOWNS!
LOOK AT THEM, LOOK AT THIS OTHER
ATROCITY.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING
OUR SHOW THIS YEAR.
WE REALLY APPRECIATE IT, THANKS
TO OUR STAFF -- STOP HONKING.
THANKS TO OUR STAFF FOR WORKING
SO HARD TO.
HIM I DON'T LIKE THIS AT ALL
THIS WAS A HUGE MISTAKE.
WE WILL BE BACK NEXT FEBRUARY,
PLEASE STAY SAFE UNTIL THEN.
SAY IT WITH ME, WHY DO UNICYCLES
EXIST?
CLASSIC PHRASE.
HIM SEE YOU YEAR, GOOD NIGHT!
♪ ♪