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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR JOINING US.
JUST TIME FOR A QUICK RECAP OF
THE WEEK, WHICH HAS BEEN BUSY.
RUSSIA'S INVASION OF UKRAINE
ENTERED ITS SECOND MONTH,
NORTH KOREA LAUNCHED ITS BIGGEST
MISSILE TEST IN YEARS, AND HERE
IN THE U.S., THE SENATE HELD
CONFIRMATION HEARINGS FOR JUDGE
KETANJI BROWN JACKSON, WHERE SHE
HAD TO ANSWER SOME ABSOLUTELY
BATSHIT QUESTIONS.
>> ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10,
HOW FAITHFUL WOULD YOU SAY
YOU ARE IN TERMS OF RELIGION?
>> I'M AN HISPANIC MAN.
COULD I DECIDE I WAS
AN ASIAN MAN?
>> DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD
CATCH AND IMPRISON MORE
MURDERERS OR FEWER
MURDERERS?
>> DO YOU AGREE WITH THIS BOOK
THAT IS BEING TAUGHT WITH KIDS
THAT BABIES ARE RACIST?
>> SENATOR.
I DO NOT BELIEVE...
>> John: OKAY, JUST STOP.
BECAUSE FOR A SECOND, DON'T
FOCUS ON THE STUPIDITY OF THE
QUESTIONS, JUST APPRECIATE HOW
EXQUISITE THAT PAUSE WAS.
IN IT WAS CONTAINED THE STRENGTH
AND PATIENCE OF EVERY
BLACK WOMAN BEING STRETCHED TO
ITS ABSOLUTE LIMIT.
IN THAT PAUSE WAS THE DIVINE
CALCULUS WHERE SHE HAD TO
BALANCE "HOW MUCH DO I WANT
THIS JOB?"
AND "HOW MUCH DO I WANT TO CUSS
OUT THESE PREPOSTEROUS PEOPLE?"
CALL IT THE CHISHOLM-JOHNSON
FORMULA.
AND LOOK, OBVIOUSLY, THOSE
QUESTIONS WEREN'T ASKED BECAUSE
THEY GENUINELY WANTED TO KNOW
THE ANSWER.
THEY WERE ASKED TO GENERATE
VIRAL SOUNDBITES.
THE PROOF OF WHICH IS IN THIS
IMAGE OF TED CRUZ, RIGHT AFTER
HIS QUESTIONING, WHERE HE'S
CHECKING HIS MENTIONS ON TWITTER
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PROCEEDINGS
WHICH IS HONESTLY KIND OF
AMAZING.
CAN YOU IMAGINE BEING TED CRUZ
AND WANTING TO HEAR WHAT
PEOPLE THINK ABOUT YOU?
ON THE INTERNET?
THAT'S A DOOM-SCROLL
THAT WILL NOT END WELL.
BUT FOR NOW, LET'S MOVE ON
TO THE ROYAL FAMILY.
THEY'VE HAD A PRETTY TOUGH YEAR,
COMPARED TO NO ONE ELSE WHO'S
EVER LIVED, FROM HARRY AND
MEGHAN TALKING TO OPRAH TO
PRINCE ANDREW BEING STRIPPED OF
HIS TITLES AFTER --
WILL LEGAL LET ME MENTION
THE THINGS HE DID?
THEY WON'T?
EVEN THOUGH HE DEFINITELY DID
THEM?
OKAY, I GUESS FORGET
THOSE THINGS I MENTIONED
THAT HE DEFINITELY DID.
THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BIG
WEEK FOR THE ROYALS, WITH PRINCE
WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
EMBARKING ON AN OFFICIAL VISIT
TO THE CARIBBEAN.
>> THE MOMENTS ROYAL
TOURS ARE MADE OF.
THE DUKE AND DUCHESS
OF CAMBRIDGE DANCING
WITH LOCALS IN BELIZE, A VISIT
OFFICIALLY TO MARK THE QUEEN'S
70 YEARS ON THE THRONE,
ALSO BEING DUBBED
A "CHARM OFFENSIVE",
AN ATTEMPT TO PERSUADE CARIBBEAN
NATIONS TO HANG ONTO THE
MONARCHY.
>> John: "CHARM OFFENSIVE"?
WELL, IT'S CERTAINLY ONE OF
THOSE THINGS.
THAT LOOKS LESS LIKE A ROYAL
VISIT AND MORE LIKE "BEACH
BARBECUE NIGHT AT SANDALS
BELIZE" BUT IT'S TRUE THAT THIS
TOUR WAS FOR TWO KEY REASONS.
FIRST, TO CELEBRATE
THE QUEEN'S 70 YEARS IN POWER,
A MILESTONE SHE'S DEFINITELY
HIT, BECAUSE SHE'S ABSOLUTELY
NOT DEAD RIGHT NOW.
NOPE.
DON'T DO THE DATES.
DON'T DO THE DATES YET.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT WHEN SHE'S
SO OBVIOUSLY FINE?
BUT SECOND, THIS WAS A CLEAR
ATTEMPT TO TRY AND KEEP THE
COMMONWEALTH TOGETHER,
ESPECIALLY AS JUST FOUR MONTHS
AGO, BARBADOS FORMALLY REMOVED
THE QUEEN AS THEIR HEAD OF STATE
AND, DURING THE SAME CEREMONY,
RECOGNIZED RIHANNA
AS A NATIONAL HERO,
PROVING BARBADOS IS CURRENTLY
MAKING ALL THE RIGHT DECISIONS.
BUT INSTEAD OF THE FAWNING
COVERAGE THE ROYALS NO DOUBT
HOPED FOR, THIS TOUR HAS BEEN
A DISASTER.
>> NOT QUITE THE WELCOME
THEY WERE HOPING FOR.
AT ONE OF THE FIRST PLACES
WILLIAM AND KATE WERE SUPPOSED
TO VISIT, PROTESTS FORCED
THE COUPLE TO CANCEL.
>> John: YEAH, THAT WAS THE
FIRST STOP OF DAY ONE.
NOT A GREAT SIGNAL
FOR THE REST OF YOUR TRIP.
IT'S LIKE GETTING TO DISNEY
WORLD AND IMMEDIATELY BEING
TOLD, "SORRY, THEME PARK'S
CLOSED TO YOU BECAUSE YOUR
FAMILY COMMITTED GENOCIDE."
THAT'S GOING TO SET A TONE
FOR THE REST OF YOUR TIME
IN ORLANDO.
AND THINGS DIDN'T GET MUCH
BETTER FROM THERE.
BEFORE THEY EVEN LANDED IN THE
BAHAMAS, THE NATIONAL
REPARATIONS COMMITTEE THERE
RELEASED A STATEMENT, SAYING,
"THE TIME IS NOW FOR
REPARATIONS," ENDING THE LETTER
QUOTING BAHAMIAN ARTIST TONY
McKAY, SAYING, "I COME TO
COLLECT EVERYTHING
THAT YOU OWE ME."
WHICH IS A DEVASTATING WAY
TO END A LETTER.
THE ONLY THING THAT COULD HAVE
MADE IT ANY MORE DEVASTATING IS
SIMPLY ADDING THE WORD "BITCH."
I MEAN, THE "BITCH" IS IMPLIED.
DON'T GET ME WRONG.
BUT IT'D BE LOVELY TO SEE IT
WRITTEN DOWN.
AND THEN THERE WAS JAMAICA,
WHERE THINGS CONTINUED GOING
BADLY.
PROTESTORS DEMANDED AN APOLOGY
FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY'S ROLE IN
THE SLAVE TRADE AND MADE SOME
PRETTY POINTED CRITICISMS.
>> MR. WILLIAM, I SEE YOU LOVE
TO DANCE WITH THE BLACK PEOPLE
AND YOU LOVE TO FROLIC,
BUT SPEAK SOME TRUTH
ON THIS TRIP.
>> OUR GOAL IS TO LOOSEN AND
REMOVE THE HANDS, THE GLOVED
HANDS OF THE QUEEN FROM AROUND
OUR NECKS
SO THAT WE CAN BREATHE.
>> HOW ARE THESE TWO YOUNG
WHITE PEOPLE NOW, GOING TO BE
HERE SAYING WE ARE GOING TO
KOWTOW TO THEM AND WE ARE GOING
TO BEND AND BOW
AND KNEEL TO THEM AS IF
THEY ARE GODS?
THOSE DAYS ARE DONE.
THE MONARCHY IS A RELIC.
>> John: HOLY SHIT.
WILLIAM, KATE.
JUST GO.
YOU JUST GOTTA LEAVE.
IF ALL THOSE BLACK WOMEN HAVE
TAKEN TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO
CALL YOU "MR. WILLIAM" AND
"THOSE TWO YOUNG WHITE PEOPLE,"
YOU'RE DONE.
YOU'RE JUST DONE.
IT IS OVER FOR YOU.
ALL OF IT.
HAVING YOUR ENTIRE THING IN LIFE
REDUCED DOWN TO "YOU LOVE
TO FROLIC" IS FUCKING BRUTAL.
THE PEOPLE OF JAMAICA HAVE SAID,
"THESE TWO WHITE PEOPLE ARE
UNSERIOUS, AND WE DO NOT REQUIRE
THEM.
PLEASE GO FROLIC SOMEWHERE ELSE"
AND I DO NOT DISAGREE WITH THEM.
AND LOOK, WILLIAM AND KATE
TRIED TO TURN THINGS AROUND.
THEY PLAYED SOME BONGOS,
THEY SAT IN
A JAMAICAN BOBSLED, AND POSED
NEXT TO A BOB MARLEY STATUE,
WHILE SOMEHOW MANAGING TO LOOK
MORE LIFELESS THAN AN ACTUAL
STATUE.
BUT IT ALL FELT DESPERATE.
AND PERHAPS THEIR LOWEST MOMENT
CAME DURING THEIR AUDIENCE WITH
THE JAMAICAN PRIME MINISTER,
BECAUSE AS HE WELCOMED THEM IN
FOR THEIR INITIAL PHOTO OP,
BEFORE THE CAMERAS HAD EVEN GOT
SETTLED, HE DROPPED THIS
ON THEM.
>> JAMAICA IS, AS YOU WOULD SEE,
A COUNTRY THAT IS VERY PROUD OF
OUR HISTORY AND VERY PROUD OF
WHAT WE HAVE ACHIEVED.
WE ARE MOVING ON AND WE INTEND
TO ATTAIN IT IN SHORT ORDER.
AND FULFILL OUR TRUE AMBITIONS
AS AN INDEPENDENT,
DEVELOPED, PROSPEROUS COUNTRY.
>> John: OH, SHIT!
HE BASICALLY BROKE UP WITH THEM
BEFORE THEY COULD EVEN SIT DOWN.
THEY DIDN'T EVEN MAKE IT TO THE
CHAIRS.
IT'S HARD TO WATCH THAT WITHOUT
GETTING FLASHBACKS TO EVERY TIME
YOU'VE BEEN DUMPED.
ALTHOUGH, IF YOU NEED TO BREAK
UP WITH SOMEONE, YOU SHOULD
DEFINITELY DO IT LIKE THAT.
"I'M SORRY, MICHELLE.
BEFORE WE EAT, I JUST WANT TO
SAY I'M VERY PROUD OF OUR
HISTORY AND WHAT WE'VE ACHIEVED
TOGETHER, BUT I'M MOVING ON
AND INTEND TO FULFILL
MY AMBITIONS AS AN INDEPENDENT,
DEVELOPED, PROSPEROUS PERSON.
ALSO, I HATE EVERY ONE OF YOUR
FRIENDS AND I ALWAYS HAVE."
THERE WERE SO MANY POINTS THIS
TRIP THAT IT SHOULD'VE BEEN
ABANDONED.
HOW DID NO ONE ON IT NOT LOOK
AROUND AND SAY, "NO ONE ASKED US
TO BE HERE, EVERYONE IS FUCKING
MAD AT US, WE SHOULDN'T BE
HERE."
ALTHOUGH TO BE FAIR, I GUESS
"NO ONE ASKED US TO BE HERE
AND NOW THEY'RE MAD"
IS ESSENTIALLY BRITISH HISTORY
IN TWO SENTENCES.
THE THING, THOUGH, IS, EVEN IF
WILLIAM AND KATE WERE CHARMING,
I'M NOT SURE THERE'S ENOUGH
CHARM IN THE UNIVERSE TO
CONVINCE THESE NATIONS TO STICK
WITH THE MONARCHY.
THIS IS AN EMPIRE THAT INVADED
THEIR LANDS, ROBBED THEIR
WEALTH, AND ENSLAVED AND
MURDERED THEIR PEOPLE, AND NOW
THE ROYALS HAVE THE
FUCKING BALLS TO ASK, "CAN YOU
PLEASE KEEP US AROUND?"
THAT HAS TO BE THE SINGLE
DUMBEST QUESTION I'VE EVER HEARD
IN MY LIFE.
ASIDE, MAYBE, FROM THIS.
>> DO YOU AGREE WITH THIS BOOK
THAT IS BEING TAUGHT WITH KIDS
THAT BABIES ARE RACIST?
>> John: EXACTLY.
AND NOW THIS.
>> Announcer: AND NOW YET
ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF COMING UP
ON "INSIDE EDITION."
>> BUGGING OUT.
THE PRESIDENT ATTACKED BY A
CICADA.
THEN, THE GUY WHO SAYS HE WAS
SWALLOWED BY A WHALE.
HE SAYS IT'S ALSO HAPPENED TO
HIM.
THEN, BABY DINOSAUR MYSTERY.
AND, YOU CALL THIS LUNCH?
WHAT THE HECK IS THIS?
THEN, NOT BAD FOR AN OLD MAN.
THEN, STORAGE LOCKERS.
MILLIONS OF AMERICANS ARE
STORING THEIR STUFF IN THEM.
FREAK OUT.
THEN.
THEIR SONG SO BEAUTIFUL.
GATOR GIRL.
WILD-GOOSE CHASE.
>> HAS HE BEEN EATEN BY
ALLIGATORS?
>> THEN, CHIROPRACTORS FOR
BABIES.
CHAMPAGNE WEDDING TOAST.
THIS IS NOT GOING TO END WELL.
>> John: MOVING ON.
OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT
CONCERNS DRUGS.
THEY'RE SOMETHING WE'VE OFTEN
BEEN TOLD TO AVOID, THROUGH
PSAs LIKE THIS.
>> ♪ DON'T DO DRUGS! ♪
>> OH, NO!
>> OH, DON'T YOU DO IT NOW!
♪ DON'T DO DRUGS! ♪
>> OH, NO!
>> ♪ SOMEONE PLAYS YOU
FOR A FOOL WHEN THEY SAY,
♪ COME ON, BE COOL
JUST BE SMART AND HEED THIS
RULE ♪
♪ DON'T DO DRUGS! ♪
JUST TELL THEM YOU GOT BETTER
THINGS TO DO ♪
>> John: COOL.
EVERYONE KNOWS THE HOTTEST SPOT
TO SNORT COKE IS A BENCH
ON A RESIDENTIAL STREET
IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.
THESE DAYS, YOU CAN'T EVEN HANG
OUT ON YOUR SPLIT-LEVEL PORCH IN
YOUR POODLE SKIRT WITHOUT SEEING
THOSE PESKY TEENS, BLOWING THAT
SNOW LIKE IT'S JACKSON HOLE.
BUT DESPITE THOSE VERY
COMPELLING ARGUMENTS, MILLIONS
UPON MILLIONS OF AMERICANS STILL
USE ILLICIT DRUGS.
AND IT'S EASY TO SEE WHY.
DRUGS CAN BE A LOT OF FUN.
SOME, IN FACT, CAN BE SO MUCH
FUN THEY END UP RUINING YOUR
FUCKING LIFE.
BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS, THAT
"GREASE" FEVER DREAM ISN'T WRONG
TO IMPLY ENGAGING WITH THE
ILLICIT DRUG SUPPLY
CAN BE DANGEROUS.
THIS PAST DECADE HAS SHOWN
A SUBSTANTIAL RISE IN OVERDOSE
DEATHS, LEADING TO ALARMING
STATISTICS LIKE THIS.
>> THE CDC ESTIMATES MORE THAN
100,000 AMERICANS DIED FROM DRUG
OVERDOSES OVER A 12-MONTH PERIOD
ENDING THIS APRIL, A RECORD.
THAT'S NEARLY THREE TIMES
THE NUMBER OF DEATHS
FROM TRAFFIC ACCIDENTS LAST
YEAR AND MORE THAN TWICE THE
NUMBER OF GUN DEATHS.
>> John: WOW.
THAT IS STAGGERING.
AND QUICK SIDE NOTE.
IT'S DEPRESSINGLY AMERICAN TO BE
SHOCKED THAT SOMETHING COULD
CAUSE MORE DEATHS THAN GUNS.
WE'RE THE ONLY COUNTRY THAT
WOULD LOOK AT THAT AND SAY,
"IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE THAT DRUG
OVERDOSES ARE KILLING MORE
PEOPLE THAN ONE OF THOSE NATURAL
CAUSES OF DEATH,
HIGHLY PREVENTABLE LOSS OF LIFE
BY LOOSELY REGULATED WEAPONS."
THE FACT IS: STREET DRUGS ARE
AN ABSOLUTE MESS RIGHT NOW, AS
THEY'VE BECOME SO CONTAMINATED,
ONE YALE RESEARCHER SAID
THE WHOLE SUPPLY IS JUST SO
ABSOLUTELY FUCKED
AT THIS POINT.
AND THE RISE IN OVERDOSES DEATHS
HAS BEEN DRIVEN BY THE PRESENCE
OF ONE DRUG IN PARTICULAR:
AND THAT IS FENTANYL.
A SYNTHETIC OPIOID OFTEN USED
PRESCRIPTIVELY FOR THINGS LIKE
SURGERIES OR CANCER PAIN.
BUT OUTSIDE OF MEDICAL SETTINGS,
ILLEGALLY MANUFACTURED FENTANYL
HAS BECOME A HUGE PROBLEM.
BECAUSE IT AND OTHER SYNTHETIC
OPIOIDS WERE INVOLVED IN NEARLY
TWO-THIRDS OF ALL OVERDOSE
DEATHS DURING THE PAST YEAR.
AND WHILE IT'S TRUE THAT
FENTANYL IS INCREDIBLY POTENT,
THE BIGGER PROBLEM IS THAT
THERE'S A DANGEROUS LACK OF
CONSISTENCY IN THE WAY IT'S
CURRENTLY DISTRIBUTED WITHIN THE
STREET DRUG SUPPLY.
SO YOU CAN EITHER KNOW YOU'RE
TAKING IT ON ITS OWN OR IN
SOMETHING LIKE HEROIN BUT NOT
KNOW HOW POTENT WHAT YOU'RE
TAKING IS.
OR YOU MAY NOT KNOW YOU'RE
TAKING IT AT ALL.
>> WHAT WE'RE SEEING IS THAT
THIS OPIOID IS BEING FOUND
IN A CONTAMINATED PILL SUPPLY
IN THE WHOLE UNITED STATES.
THEY'RE USING PILL PRESSES
THAT LOOK LIKE PILLS FOR
PHARMACEUTICALS THAT ARE
CURRENTLY MARKETED.
>> ONE DAY, I ADMITTED THREE
PEOPLE INTO THE CLINIC.
ALL THREE OF THEM SAID
THEY WERE TAKING OXYCODONE.
NONE OF THOSE THREE PEOPLE HAD
ANY OXYCODONE TESTED IN THEIR
URINE THAT WE TESTED THAT DAY.
IT WAS ALL FENTANYL.
>> John: WELL, THAT'S NOT GREAT,
IS IT?
THE ONLY TIME YOU SHOULD BE
SURPRISED BY WHAT'S IN YOUR
URINE IS WHEN YOU FORGOT YOU ATE
ASPARAGUS EARLIER THAT DAY OR,
WORST CASE SCENARIO, THE SHRUNK
DOWN MAGIC SCHOOL BUS COMES OUT
AFTER A BIOLOGY LESSON
GONE HORRIBLY WRONG.
SO IF THE CURRENT DRUG SUPPLY
IS THIS TAINTED AND THIS
DANGEROUS, WE THOUGHT TONIGHT
IT'D BE WORTH TALKING ABOUT THE
OVERDOSES IT CAN CAUSE, AND THE
THINGS WE SHOULD AND REALLY
SHOULDN'T BE DOING TO PREVENT
THEM.
AND LET'S START BY ACKNOWLEDGING
SOME PAST MISTAKES.
BECAUSE FOR DECADES, WE'VE BEEN
FIGHTING A WAR ON DRUGS THAT WAS
OFTEN FUELED BY FEAR AND
MISINFORMATION, DIRECTLY LEADING
TO BAD POLICY.
IN THE '80s, FOR INSTANCE,
THE RISKS ASSOCIATED WITH CRACK
COCAINE USE, WHICH WERE VERY
REAL, GOT CARTOONISHLY
INFLATED INTO FEARMONGERING
HEADLINES ABOUT A GENERATION OF
CRACK BABIES WITH STORIES LIKE,
"CRACK BABIES TURN 5
AND SCHOOLS BRACE," WHICH WAS
OBVIOUSLY SHITTY AND RACIST AT
THE TIME BUT HAS ALSO SINCE
BEEN COMPLETELY DEBUNKED.
BUT THAT HYSTERIA LED TO
POLICIES LIKE MANDATORY MINIMUMS
THAT FUELED MASS INCARCERATION,
AND LAWS THAT CRIMINALIZED
EVERYTHING SURROUNDING DRUG USE,
FROM PARAPHERNALIA TO EVEN
LOCATIONS WHERE DRUGS WERE USED.
AND UNFORTUNATELY, WE'RE SEEING
A SIMILAR PANIC TODAY BREWING
AROUND FENTANYL, WHICH, AGAIN,
IS DANGEROUS IF INGESTED
OR INJECTED.
BUT TO HEAR LAW ENFORCEMENT TELL
IT, IT'S ALSO DANGEROUS TO BE
ANYWHERE NEAR IT.
TAKE THIS VIDEO FROM
THE SAN DIEGO COUNTY SHERIFF'S
DEPARTMENT, AND BEFORE I SHOW
IT TO YOU, JUST KNOW THE OFFICER
INVOLVED HERE IS COMPLETELY
FINE, FOR REASONS I'LL GET TO IN
A MINUTE.
>> MY TRAINEE WAS EXPOSED TO
FENTANYL AND NEARLY DIED.
HE FOUND A WHITE SUBSTANCE
THAT HE SUSPECTED WAS DRUGS.
>> IT TESTED POSITIVE
FOR FENTANYL.
THAT STUFF'S NO JOKE.
IT IS SUPER DANGEROUS.
>> A COUPLE SECONDS LATER,
HE TOOK SOME STEPS BACK
AND HE COLLAPSED.
>> John: AGAIN...
DON'T WORRY.
THAT OFFICER IS COMPLETELY FINE.
AND THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN A FEW
IMMEDIATE RED FLAGS THERE;
NOT ONLY DID THE DEPARTMENT
VOLUNTARILY RELEASE THAT BODY
CAM FOOTAGE, THEY ALSO WENT TO
THE TROUBLE OF SCORING IT WITH
MUSIC THAT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED
AS "FUNERAL HOME SLIDESHOW."
BUT THE IDEA THAT OFFICER
COULD'VE BEEN PASSIVELY EXPOSED
TO FENTANYL AND THEN OVERDOSED
IS COMPLETELY ABSURD.
EXPERTS SAY IT IS TECHNICALLY
IMPOSSIBLE TO TOUCH FENTANYL
POWDER AND FEEL ANY EFFECTS FROM
IT, LET ALONE OVERDOSE AND "YOU
WOULD HAVE TO BE IN SOME SORT OF
WIND TUNNEL WITH MASSIVE AMOUNTS
OF FENTANYL" TO ACCIDENTALLY
INHALE ENOUGH TO O.D.
AND BY THE WAY:
"A WIND TUNNEL FULL OF FENTANYL"
IS QUITE THE PHRASE THERE.
IF YOU JUST ADD "AND ROVING
GANGS," YOU'VE PRETTY MUCH GOT
HOW A RACIST UNCLE DESCRIBES
CHICAGO AFTER WATCHING
TOO MUCH FOX NEWS.
AND THE THINGS IS IT'S BY NO
MEANS JUST SAN DIEGO
MULTIPLE POLICE
DEPARTMENTS HAVE PUT OUT SIMILAR
CLAIMS OF OD-ING THROUGH
ACCIDENTAL SKIN CONTACT OR
INHALATION, WHICH AGAIN,
IS BASICALLY IMPOSSIBLE.
WHAT THOSE OFFICERS WERE MUCH
MORE LIKELY EXPERIENCING WERE
PANIC ATTACKS.
WHICH MAKES SENSE, IN A WAY,
BECAUSE THEY'D JUST BEEN EXPOSED
TO SOMETHING THEY'VE REPEATEDLY
HEARD IS DEADLY TO BE ANYWHERE
NEAR.
THIS HAS NOW BECOME SUCH A
TROPE, IT WAS A PLOT POINT ON
"BLUE BLOODS," WHERE DONNIE
WAHLBERG'S PARTNER BRIEFLY PICKS
UP A TRAY WITH FENTANYL ON IT,
AND THEN THIS HAPPENS.
>> ANY IDEA WHAT SHE
CAME IN CONTACT WITH?
>> SAID SHE GOT
FENTANYL ON HER HANDS.
WHAT THE HELL'S HAPPENING HERE?
SHE WAS FINE ONE SECOND,
THE NEXT MINUTE,
SHE'S NOT BREATHING.
>> FENTANYL IS A SYNTHETIC
OPIOID 50 TO 100 TIMES STRONGER
THAN MORPHINE.
THE SLIGHTEST EXPOSURE
CAN TRIGGER AN OVERDOSE.
>> John: YEAH, THAT'S COMPLETE
HORSESHIT, NOT THAT YOU'D EXPECT
ANY MORE NUANCE FROM A SHOW
THAT'S BASICALLY ADULT
PAW PATROL.
BUT THE POINT IS, IT'S DEEPLY
IRRESPONSIBLE OF POLICE TO KEEP
PERPETUATING A MEDICAL
IMPOSSIBILITY AND FOR MEDIA
OUTLETS TO KEEP AMPLIFYING IT.
FOR A START, IT MIGHT MAKE
PEOPLE AFRAID TO HELP SOMEONE
THEY SEE EXPERIENCING
AN OVERDOSE.
WHY RISK GIVING SOMEONE CPR
IF THEY MIGHT BE COVERED
IN POWDERED DEATH?
AND ALSO, WHEN YOU TREAT A DRUG
LIKE A BIO WEAPON, YOU JUSTIFY
A PUNITIVE, MILITARIZED RESPONSE
TO IT.
A COUPLE YEARS BACK, A OHIO MAN
RECEIVED ADDITIONAL PRISON TIME
FOR ASSAULT ON A POLICE OFFICER
AFTER OFFICERS SEARCHED HIS CAR
FOR DRUGS AND FOUND POWDER THAT
LATER TESTED POSITIVE
FOR FENTANYL.
THAT EXPOSURE TO FENTANYL
ALONE CONSTITUTED THE ASSAULT.
AND LOOK, IF FENTANYL REALLY
WERE SMALLPOX IN A BOTTLE,
MAYBE IT'D MAKE SENSE FOR TOTAL
ERADICATION TO BE OUR GOAL.
BUT IT ISN'T.
SO IT FRANKLY MAKES MUCH MORE
SENSE TO FOCUS ON HOW TO PROTECT
THOSE GENUINELY AT RISK OF
OVERDOSING ON IT:
THAT IS THE PEOPLE TAKING IT.
WHICH IS TO SAY, THE REST OF
THIS PIECE IS GOING TO BE ABOUT
HARM REDUCTION.
ESSENTIALLY, HARM REDUCTION
ACCEPTS THE REALITY THAT PEOPLE
WILL USE ILLEGAL DRUGS AND THAT
SOME EITHER CAN'T
OR DON'T WANT TO STOP.
SO RATHER THAN ARREST THEM,
WE MIGHT BE BETTER OFF TRYING TO
MITIGATE THE DAMAGE DONE.
IT'S A CONCEPT YOU MIGHT BE
FAMILIAR WITH THROUGH THINGS
LIKE SYRINGE SERVICES PROGRAMS
WHICH GIVE PEOPLE CLEAN NEEDLES
AND ARE PROVEN TO MASSIVELY HELP
DRIVE DOWN THE SPREAD OF
DISEASE.
AND RIGHT NOW, IF YOU GENUINELY
WANT TO REDUCE THE NUMBER OF
OVERDOSES, THERE ARE SOME
IMPORTANT TACTICS WE COULD
ENCOURAGE.
FIRST, THERE'S DRUG CHECKING.
THE SIMPLE ACT OF TESTING DRUGS
TO FIND OUT WHAT'S IN THEM.
THIS CAN BE DONE THROUGH THINGS
LIKE FENTANYL TESTING STRIPS OR
REAGENT TEST KITS.
THESE ARE VERY VALUABLE TOOLS
TO KEEP PEOPLE SAFE, AND YET,
THANKS TO THOSE DRUG-WAR ERA
LAWS ON PARAPHERNALIA
I MENTIONED EARLIER, THEY'RE
TECHNICALLY ILLEGAL IN ALL THESE
STATES, MAKING IT A LIABILITY
TO CARRY THEM, WHICH IS
JUST COMPLETE MADNESS.
NOW, THANKFULLY, SOME STATES
HAVE WRITTEN CARVE-OUTS
FOR SPECIFIC METHODS,
LIKE FENTANYL TESTING STRIPS.
AND OTHERS ARE CHOOSING NOT TO
ENFORCE THEIR STUPID LAWS
CRIMINALIZING THEM.
THE PROBLEM IS, THOUGH, POLICE
OFFICERS MAY NOT BE AWARE
OR INDEED CARE ABOUT THOSE
CARVE-OUTS AND ARE STILL VERY
MUCH ARRESTING PEOPLE OR USING
THE PRESENCE OF TESTING
EQUIPMENT AS PROBABLE CAUSE FOR
FURTHER SEARCHES.
AND ALL THIS MEANS PEOPLE ARE
STILL GETTING LOCKED UP BECAUSE
THEY WERE CARRYING A LIFESAVING
TOOL, WHICH IS RIDICULOUS,
BECAUSE IF ANY LIFE-SAVING TOOL
SHOULD BE CRIMINALIZED,
IT OBVIOUSLY SHOULDN'T BE
DRUG CHECKING EQUIPMENT.
IT SHOULD BE
THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER.
I'M SORRY, BUT LET'S GET THIS
VERY CLEAR.
IF YOU SEE ME CHOKING
THAT IS, FRANKLY, NONE OF
YOUR BUSINESS.
IF I DIE, LET ME DIE DOING MY
FAVORITE THING IN THE WORLD:
NOT BEING SURPRISE-HUGGED
BY A STRANGER.
DO NOT TOUCH ME
UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
THEN THERE'S THE HARM REDUCTION
METHOD YOU'RE PROBABLY ALREADY
AWARE OF:
THAT IS NALOXONE, ALSO KNOWN
BY THE BRAND NAME NARCAN.
NALOXONE, AS THIS WOMAN
WHO WORKS IN HARM REDUCTION
EXPLAINS, CAN QUICKLY REVERSE
AN OPIOID OVERDOSE.
>> SO PRETEND THAT, LIKE, THIS,
THIS HERE, THIS IS THE
FENTANYL COMING IN YOUR SYSTEM,
RIGHT?
SO WHEN YOU SHOOT SOMEONE UP
WITH NARCAN, IT'S LIKE A WALL
GOES UP AND SO THE FENTANYL HITS
THE WALL, IT CAN'T KEEP
ON GOING.
THE MORE NARCAN YOU PUT INTO THE
SYSTEM, THAT BIGGER THAT WALL
GETS.
>> SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS
IS IT'S ACTUALLY QUITE EASY
TO REVERSE AN OVERDOSE?
>> YES, IT IS.
>> John: RIGHT,
IT'S INCREDIBLY EFFECTIVE.
NALOXONE HAS GOT TO BE IN THE
HALL OF FAME FOR ERASING
MISTAKES, UP THERE WITH THE
PENCIL ERASER,
THE CONTROL-Z KEY, AND STARRING
IN "DADDY'S HOME 2."
WHAT A FUN FAMILY!
WHAT A CRANKY DAD!
I WONDER IF THERE ARE ANY FUN
PRANKS OR VOICEMAILS ON THE SET.
I BET THERE WERE.
THE POINT IS, NALOXONE'S
A FUCKING MIRACLE, WHICH IS WHY
IT'S SO FRUSTRATING
THAT THE FDA CURRENTLY HAS IT
UNDER PRESCRIPTION-ONLY STATUS,
SOMETHING EVEN THE AMA HAS
SAID SHOULD BE CHANGED.
AND WHILE EVERY STATE HAS
ADOPTED SOME KIND OF WORKAROUND,
MEANING AN INDIVIDUAL CAN
THEORETICALLY GET IT WITHOUT
SEEING A DOCTOR FIRST,
IT CAN BE VERY DIFFICULT.
AND FOR COMMUNITY GROUPS WHO
WANT TO BUY IT IN BULK, SO THEY
CAN DISTRIBUTE IT DIRECTLY TO
PEOPLE WHO NEED IT, IT CAN BE
BASICALLY IMPOSSIBLE.
AND LOOK, THERE ARE CERTAIN
THINGS YOU'D WANT TO GO OUT OF
YOUR WAY TO DISCOURAGE PEOPLE
FROM HAVING IN THEIR HOMES --
NAZI FLAGS, PET CHIMPS,
A TV PLAYING AN EPISODE OF
"BLUE BLOODS", BUT NARCAN
IS ABSOLUTELY NOT ONE OF THEM.
BUT PERHAPS THE BIGGEST STEP
WE COULD MAKE HERE IS TO
PROPERLY SUPPORT OVERDOSE
PREVENTION CENTERS, SOMETIMES
CALLED SUPERVISED INJECTION
SITES.
THEY'RE PLACES WHERE PEOPLE CAN
BRING THEIR OWN DRUGS, AND HAVE
ACCESS TO CLEAN SUPPLIES AND
TRAINED PROFESSIONALS WHO CAN
INTERVENE IN THE EVENT OF AN
OVERDOSE AS WELL AS DIRECT
THEM TOWARD TONS OF OTHER
SERVICES, INCLUDING ADDICTION
TREATMENT, IF THEY SO CHOOSE.
HERE'S A LOOK INSIDE ONE OF
THEM RIGHT HERE
IN NEW YORK CITY.
>> WHEN WE WERE INSIDE,
THERE WERE HALF A DOZEN CLIENTS
USING DRUGS.
>> NO MORE IMPROPERLY DISCARDED
SYRINGES ON THE STREETS,
NEAR OUR SCHOOLS,
IN OUR SUBWAY STATIONS.
YOU WON'T --
YOU FIND WAY LESS --
>> SAFELY, SECURELY.
WITHOUT HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT
OVERDOSING.
>> THE VOICE BEHIND THE DIVIDER
BELONGED TO A MAN NAMED OZ
WHO TOLD US HE'S A MARINE CORPS
VETERAN AND WAS USING HEROIN
AS WE SPOKE.
>> I'VE GOTTEN MORE HELP HERE
THAN I'VE GOTTEN FROM, YOU KNOW,
FROM THE V.A.
>> John: WOW, THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
AND I KNOW THAT WE, AS A
SOCIETY, HAVE LEARNED NOT TO
TRUST ANYONE NAMED OZ WHO'S
EITHER YELLING AT YOU FROM
BEHIND A CURTAIN OR TRYING TO
TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING
MEDICAL.
BUT WE SHOULD MAKE AN EXCEPTION
HERE ON BOTH COUNTS BECAUSE THIS
PARTICULAR OZ MAKES A VERY
IMPORTANT POINT.
OVERDOSE PREVENTION CENTERS
PROVIDE CRUCIAL SERVICES
THAT KEEP PEOPLE WHO USE DRUGS
AS SAFE AS POSSIBLE.
AND YET, WHENEVER THEY'RE
FLOATED AS AN OPTION,
PEOPLE FREAK THE FUCK OUT.
>> IT'S ACTUALLY A HEROIN
SHOOTING GALLERY, AND THAT'S
REALLY WHAT IT IS.
IT IS A COMMUNITY CENTER
FOR HEROIN ADDICTS TO GO
AND SHOOT UP UNDER SUPERVISION,
WHICH I THINK IS --
IS CRAZY.
>> THE BEST WAY TO PREVENT
OVERDOSES FROM HEROIN IS
TO HAVE PEOPLE STOP DOING
HEROIN.
>> THEY CALLED IT HARM REDUCTION
CENTERS, BUT IN MY WAY
OF THINKIN, IT'S REALLY HARM
ENABLING CENTERS.
>> THERE'S SO MANY OTHER THINGS
TO DEAL WITH THAN, YOU KNOW,
LETTING PEOPLE SHOOT UP
SAFELY.
IT'S JUST LIKE CONDONING
DOING DRUGS.
IT'S LIKE, "WHY DON'T
I GO DO IT?"
>> John: OKAY, BUT THAT'S NOT
AT ALL WHAT THESE CENTERS
ARE FOR.
THEY'RE NOT FOR THE
HEROIN-CURIOUS TO SAMPLE FLIGHTS
OF SYRINGES LIKE IPAs.
THEY'RE TO HELP PEOPLE WHO
ALREADY USE DRUGS DO SO IN A WAY
THAT WON'T FUCKING KILL THEM.
WE KNOW OVERDOSES OFTEN HAPPEN
WHEN PEOPLE USE DRUGS ALONE,
WITH NO ONE AROUND TO HELP THEM,
AND THESE FACILITIES ARE
DESIGNED TO MAKE SURE THAT
DOESN'T HAPPEN.
AND POLITICIANS WHO ACTUALLY
STUDY THESE SITES, LIKE THE
FORMER MAYOR OF ITHACA,
NEW YORK, COME AWAY IMPRESSED.
>> THE FIRST TIME I HEARD IT,
I THOUGHT IT SOUNDED LIKE
WE WERE JUST ENABLING PEOPLE
TO USE DRUGS.
BUT THE TRUTH IS, IN THE
PLACES WHERE IT'S WORKED, IN
AUSTRALIA AND EUROPE AND CANADA,
MORE PEOPLE GET OFF OF DRUGS,
PEOPLE WHO USE SUPERVISED
INJECTION ARE 30% MORE LIKELY
TO ENTER INTO TREATMENT,
AND THEY'RE 100% LESS LIKELY
TO DIE.
>> John: JUST TO UNDERLINE THAT:
100%.
NO ONE HAS EVER DIED THERE.
IN FACT, THERE HAS NEVER BEEN
A RECORDED DEATH
IN ANY OVERDOSE PREVENTION
CENTER ON EARTH.
THAT'S INSANE!
PEOPLE DIE EVERYWHERE!
PEOPLE DIE
AT CHUCK E. CHEESE!
ALL THE TIME!
THE BALL PIT THERE IS --
AND THIS IS TRUE --
MOSTLY BONES.
YOU WANT TO KNOW
THAT RAT'S REAL NAME?
IT'S CHARLES "EXECUTION" CHEESE.
AND YET DESPITE THE FACT THAT
CLIP WAS FROM SIX YEARS AGO,
ITHACA STILL DOESN'T HAVE AN
OVERDOSE PREVENTION CENTER.
BECAUSE WHEN CITIES FLOAT
OPENING ONE, QUESTIONS AROUND
THEIR MORALITY AND EVEN LEGALITY
MAKE IT NEXT TO IMPOSSIBLE.
JUST RECENTLY, AN OPC IN
PHILADELPHIA WAS PREVENTED FROM
OPENING AFTER A THREE-JUDGE
PANEL FOUND IT VIOLATED A
PROVISION IN FEDERAL LAW KNOWN
AS THE "CRACK HOUSE STATUTE,"
WHICH BANS FACILITIES THAT
OPERATE FOR THE PURPOSE OF USING
ILLEGAL DRUGS.
YET ANOTHER 1980s LAW
WE'RE STILL SUFFERING FROM,
WHICH IS JUST INFURIATING.
SO OFTEN, THE PROBLEM FACING ALL
HARM REDUCTION PROGRAMS IS THAT
PEOPLE ARE SO ANGRY WITH THOSE
WHO USE DRUGS, THEY WANT TO TRY
AND PUNISH THEM INTO ABSTINENCE.
BUT THAT'S NOT HOW
ANY OF THIS WORKS.
AND ADVOCATES HAVE BEEN TRYING
TO TELL US THIS FOR A LONG TIME,
LIKE LOUISE VINCENT, WHO POINTS
OUT THAT FOR DECADES, WE'VE BEEN
GOING AT THIS COMPLETELY WRONG.
>> ALL WE DO IS DISCONNECT
PEOPLE IN THE UNITED STATES.
SO IF YOU ARE FOUND TO BE
A PERSON WHO USES DRUGS
AND NEEDS HELP, WE START
WITH DISCONNECTING YOU.
AND I TRULY BELIEVE THAT
ADDICTION IS THE OPPOSITE
OF CONNECTION.
SO WHAT WE DO IS EVERYTHING
WRONG TO HELP A PERSON.
WE DISCONNECT PEOPLE
FROM THEIR FAMILIES.
WE DISCONNECT PEOPLE
FROM THEIR FRIENDS.
WE ALIENATE PEOPLE FROM WORK.
WE DISCONNECT THEM
FROM COMMUNITY,
AND THEN WE DISCONNECT THEM
FROM THEIR FREEDOM, FINALLY,
AND WHEN PEOPLE FINALLY
HAVE NOTHING LEFT, THEN THEY
WILL USE UNTIL THEY DIE.
>> John: RIGHT, WHEN PEOPLE HAVE
NOTHING LEFT, THEY WILL USE
UNTIL THEY DIE.
IT IS FUCKING DARK.
IT'S HORRIBLE, AND RIGHT NOW,
YOU CAN MAKE A PRETTY GOOD CASE
THAT -- DELIBERATE OR NOT --
IT'S THE END-GOAL OF U.S.
PUBLIC HEALTH POLICY.
SO, GIVEN THAT, WHAT DO WE DO
FROM HERE?
WELL, FOR STARTERS, THE FDA
SHOULD REMOVE NALOXONE'S
PRESCRIPTION-ONLY STATUS, AND
THEY SHOULD DO THAT RIGHT NOW.
AND CRUCIALLY, NOT JUST FOR
EXPENSIVE BRAND-NAME NASAL
SPRAYS LIKE NARCAN, BUT FOR
LOW-COST, GENERIC NALOXONE,
WHICH IS THIRTY TIMES CHEAPER.
AS FOR STATE LEGISLATURES,
THEY SHOULD RE-EXAMINE THEIR
PARAPHERNALIA LAWS TO MAKE SURE
PEOPLE AREN'T HELD LIABLE FOR
HOLDING BASIC PROTECTIVE TOOLS
LIKE DRUG TESTING EQUIPMENT.
AND FINALLY, WE NEED A
FULL-THROATED ENDORSEMENT OF
OVERDOSE PREVENTION CENTERS
FROM THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION,
BECAUSE REMEMBER, RIGHT NOW,
AS PHILLY IS FINDING OUT,
THEY'RE ARGUABLY ILLEGAL,
THANKS TO THAT
CRACK HOUSE STATUTE.
NOW, THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION
COULD INTERVENE HERE, AND TAKE
A STAND IN THEIR FAVOR, WHICH IS
FRANKLY THE VERY LEAST BIDEN
COULD DO.
BECAUSE IF YOU'RE WONDERING,
"WHO'S THE GUY WHO AUTHORED THE
CRACK HOUSE LEGISLATION,"
I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS FOR YOU.
>> I'M THE GUY WHO AUTHORED
THE CRACK HOUSE LEGISLATION.
>> John: OH, THANKS
FOR CLARIFYING, JOE.
NICE LARRY KING COSTUME,
BY THE WAY!
AND LOOK, THIS ADMINISTRATION
HAS DONE SOME REAL GOOD, IN
BEING THE FIRST TO BROADLY
ENDORSE HARM REDUCTION TACTICS.
BUT ADVOCATES SAY MUCH, MUCH
MORE IS NEEDED, INCLUDING MAKING
SURE PEOPLE WHO USE DRUGS HAVE A
SEAT AT THE TABLE DURING POLICY
DISCUSSIONS, AND THAT FUNDING
GETS TO COMMUNITY-BASED
ORGANIZATIONS PROVIDING THE MOST
SERVICES FOR THEM.
BUT WE ALL NEED TO GET ON BOARD
HERE.
OUR ENGRAINED STIGMAS AROUND
DRUGS AND THE PEOPLE WHO USE
THEM RUN REALLY DEEP.
AND IF WE ACTUALLY WANT TO
MINIMIZE DEATHS AND KEEP PEOPLE
SAFE, THE FACTS POINT IN A VERY
CLEAR DIRECTION: WE NEED TO MEET
PEOPLE WHERE THEY ARE, HELP THEM
TRANSITION INTO SAFE DRUG USE TO
STAY ALIVE, AND REMOVE BARRIERS
FOR THOSE SEEKING ADDICTION
TREATMENT.
AND WHAT WE ABSOLUTELY NEED TO
STOP DOING IS SPREADING
MISINFORMATION AND WAREHOUSING
DRUG USERS IN PRISONS.
OR, TO SAY IT MORE SUCCINCTLY:
IT IS WELL PAST TIME TO START
PAYING ATTENTION TO THE MAN
BEHIND THE CURTAIN.
AND NOW THIS.
>> Announcer: I KNOW, STILL OF
COMING UP ON "INSIDE EDITION."
>> PEACOCK INVASION.
>> SOUND LIKE BABIES BEING
TORTURED.
>> THEN, THE BRAZILIAN BUTT
LIFT.
TORTOISE THEFT.
YOU'VE BEEN REPLACED BY A ROBOT
WAITRESS.
THEN, HEY, BUDDY, HOW IS THE
FISHING?
PLUS.
>> 911 BAD HAIRCUT.
>> AND DO FACE COVERINGS PREVENT
WOMEN FROM GETTING CAT CALLS?
>> IS THE BABY IN DANGER?
>> THE WOMAN THEY ARE CALLING
HULU HOOP KAREN.
MASK WARS KAREN.
WHY THESE PEOPLE NAMED KAREN ARE
FED UP.
SUPERMODEL GISELE SAVING THE
TURTLE.
THE LUPE TAYLOR SWIFT PATIENT.
WHOSE DENTIST DOESN'T LIKE
TAYLOR SWIFT.
>> YOU DON'T LIKE TAYLOR SWIFT.
DON'T TOUCH ME.
>> John: MOVING ON.
FINALLY TONIGHT, I'D LIKE TO
TALK ABOUT ALASKA.
THE SINGLE BEST PLACE TO SEE
A SALMON JUMPING INTO
A BEAR'S MOUTH, AND,
IF YOU'RE REALLY LUCKY,
A BEAR JUMPING INTO
A SALMON'S MOUTH.
IT'S RARE, BUT WHEN IT
HAPPENS, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
SPECIFICALLY, I'D LIKE TO TALK
ABOUT ONE OF ALASKA'S GREATEST
TREASURES: THE NENANA ICE
CLASSIC.
IT'S A YEARLY CONTEST YOU MAY
NOT HAVE HEARD OF, BUT IT'S
HAPPENING RIGHT NOW, AND IT'S
ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE.
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.
>> WITH THE PLACING OF
THE TRIPOD ON THE FROZEN
TANANA RIVER, THE NENANA
ICE CLASSIC IS OFF AND
RUNNING.
THE ICE CLASSIC INVOLVES
GUESSING WHEN THE TRIPOD
CONNECTED TO A CLOCK NEAR THE
RIVERBANK WILL FALL THROUGH THE
MELTING RIVER ICE,
WITH THE CLOSEST GUESS WINNING.
>> John: IT'S TRUE.
EVERY YEAR, PEOPLE IN THE
SMALL ALASKAN TOWN OF NENANA PUT
A GIANT WOODEN TRIPOD ON A
FROZEN RIVER AND PLACE BETS ON
EXACTLY WHEN THE ICE WILL MELT
ENOUGH TO BREAK UP, AND THE
TRIPOD FLOATS DOWNSTREAM.
AND BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER,
LET ME JUST SAY: IF YOU AREN'T
INTRIGUED BY WHAT I JUST SAID,
TURN THIS SHOW OFF RIGHT NOW.
IF YOU JUST HEARD ME DESCRIBE
PEOPLE BETTING ON ICE MELTING
AND DIDN'T THINK, "SOUNDS GREAT,
TELL ME MORE," CHANGE THE
CHANNEL, SHUT YOUR LAPTOP,
CLOSE THIS YOUTUBE VIDEO ON YOUR
PHONE, HIT THE "UNROKU" BUTTON
ON YOUR ROKU -- WHATEVER YOU
HAVE TO DO, JUST GET THIS SHOW
AWAY FROM YOUR FACE.
THIS IS NOT A PROGRAM FOR YOU.
YOU DON'T NEED TO WATCH IT.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO WATCH IT.
AND I DON'T WANT TO BE
IN YOUR LIFE.
FUCK OFF!
NOW FOR THE REST OF US:
THE NENANA ICE CLASSIC IS
APPARENTLY ONE OF THE OLDEST
CONTINUOUSLY RUNNING
BETTING EVENTS IN THE UNITED
STATES.
IT OFFICIALLY BEGAN BACK IN
1917, WHEN A HANDFUL OF RAILROAD
ENGINEERS DECIDED TO BET ON THE
ICE BREAKUP TO HELP PASS THE
LONG ALASKAN WINTER.
AND ALREADY, I CAN'T HELP
WONDERING WHAT ELSE DID THEY DO
TO PASS THE TIME BEFORE THEY
CAME UP WITH THAT IDEA?
"LET'S SEE, GUYS, WE PLAYED
CARDS, SANG SONGS, WROTE LETTERS
HOME, DRANK HEAVILY, AND
EXPERIMENTED WITH CANNIBALISM,
BUT WE'VE STILL GOT TWO MONTHS
OF WINTER LEFT.
SO, WHO'S UP FOR BETTING ON WHEN
THAT ICE OVER THERE MELTS?"
IF YOU'RE WONDERING HOW THEY
DETERMINE THE EXACT MOMENT THE
CONTEST IS OVER, THEY'VE DEVISED
A PRETTY AMAZING SYSTEM.
>> WE HAVE DEVELOPED A MECHANISM
THAT TELLS US WHEN THE TRIPOD
MOVES 100 FEET DOWN THE RIVER.
IT CONSISTS OF PULLEYS, WIRE,
A CLEAVER, TWO DIFFERENT TYPES
OF ROPE -- THERE'S TWISTED POLY
AND THEN THERE'S BRAIDED POLY --
HALF OF A 55-GALLON DRUM
THAT'S FILLED WITH ROCKS,
A CLOTHESLINE, AND THE
SPECIAL CLOCK.
>> John: EXCELLENT.
THEY BASICALLY MADE
A RUBE GOLDBERG MACHINE OUT OF
RANDOM ITEMS TO CALL THE
CONTEST.
HONESTLY, I WISH IT WAS EVEN
MORE COMPLICATED.
HOW ABOUT THIS?
WHEN THE TRIPOD HITS
100 FEET DOWNRIVER, IT PULLS
A ROPE THAT RUNS TO THE TOWER,
WHICH IS CONNECTED TO A HOOK
THAT PULLS UP A GARBAGE CAN
FILLED WITH DORITOS, AND THAT
RELEASES A BASKETBALL, WHICH
ROLLS DOWN A WOODEN PLANK AND
PULLS A STRING ATTACHED TO A
PAIR OF SCISSORS, WHICH CUTS A
CLOTHESLINE, WHICH IS TIED
THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY TO THE
BACK OF ROBERT DENIRO'S PANTS
AND IT PULLS HIS PANTS DOWN,
WHICH THEN PULLS ANOTHER STRING
BACK AT THE TOWER THAT TRIPS A
WIRE, WHICH DROPS A SECOND
GARBAGE CAN FILLED WITH
MICROSOFT ZUNES,
WHICH LANDS ON THREE DOZEN EGGS,
AND THE EGG YOLK RUNS DOWN INTO
A FUNNEL THAT FLOWS INTO A CUP,
AND ONCE THE CUP IS FILLED, IT
PUSHES AN AIR PUMP, WHICH FILLS
A BALLOON UNTIL IT POPS, AND THE
BALLOON'S STRING PULLS OPEN A
GATE THAT RELEASES A MARBLE,
WHICH ROLLS DOWN A SPIRAL TRACK
AND THEN HITS A MAN NAMED DOUG
IN THE HEAD, AND THEN DOUG
UNPLUGS THE CLOCK.
IT MIGHT NOT BE AS ACCURATE,
BUT IT'D BE REALLY FUN TO WATCH.
SO, TO RECAP, THE MOMENT THE
TRIPOD FLOATS 100 FEET
DOWNRIVER, THE CLOCK STOPS,
AND THE CONTEST IS OVER.
HERE IS THAT GLORIOUS MOMENT
FROM A PAST YEAR.
>> WHOOOO, BABY!
LOOK AT IT!
LOOK AT IT GO!
>> THE CLOCK HAS STOPPED!
>> WHOOOOOO!
LOOK AT IT GO.
I COULD NOT ASK
FOR A BETTER BREAKUP, BABY.
>> I'VE NEVER WITNESSED
THIS BEFORE.
>> YOU HAVEN'T?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
>> IT'S GOOD.
>> WHOOOOO!
>> John: DON'T YOU ENVY THAT
WOMAN?
DON'T YOU ENVY HOW MUCH
UNBRIDLED JOY SHE FELT WATCHING
A GIANT WOODEN TRIPOD FLOAT DOWN
A PARTIALLY FROZEN RIVER?
SHE'S GOT LIFE FIGURED OUT.
WE'RE OVER HERE RUNNING AROUND
LIKE IDIOTS, BEING MISERABLE ALL
THE TIME, WHILE SHE'S UP IN
ALASKA WATCHING ICE MELT AND
EXPERIENCING A LEVEL OF PURE
HAPPINESS THAT THE REST OF US
WILL NEVER FEEL IN OUR LIVES.
THAT WOMAN IS LIVING HER BEST
LIFE, AND WE ARE ALL DIPSHITS.
THE WAY YOU ENTER THE ICE
CLASSIC IS BY FILLING OUT A CARD
WITH YOUR GUESS AND DROPPING IT
OFF WITH THE $2.50 ENTRY FEE,
INTO ONE OF THESE RED ICE
CLASSIC BETTING CANS.
WHICH ARE DELIVERED TO VARIOUS
GAS STATIONS, BARS, AND STORES
ALL OVER ALASKA.
AND EACH YEAR, THEY SELL OVER
A QUARTER MILLION ENTRY TICKETS,
WITH LAST YEAR'S JACKPOT BEING
OVER $230,000.
IT WAS SPLIT BETWEEN
12 WINNERS.
AND IF YOU'RE THINKING, HOLD ON.
TWELVE DIFFERENT ENTRIES HAD THE
EXACT DAY, HOUR, AND MINUTE THIS
GIANT WOODEN THING FLOATED 100
FEET DOWNSTREAM?
YES, THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I'M TELLING YOU.
KEEP PAYING ATTENTION.
NOW, ONE OF THE REASONS FOR THAT
IS THAT YOU'RE TECHNICALLY
ALLOWED TO PLACE AS MANY BETS AS
YOU WANT AS LONG AS YOU PAY
THE FEE EACH TIME.
AND THE CONTEST ISN'T JUST FUN
FOR EVERYONE WHO TAKES PART.
IT ACTUALLY PROVIDES A VALUABLE
SOURCE OF CLIMATE CHANGE DATA BY
MEASURING THE RIVER ICE BREAKUP
TO THE MINUTE EACH YEAR.
AS ONE CLIMATE SPECIALIST PUT
IT, "IT'S ALMOST AS PERFECT
A CLIMATE RECORD
AS YOU COULD GET."
AND THE FINAL THING YOU SHOULD
KNOW IS THAT PARTICIPATION ISN'T
JUST LIMITED TO ALASKANS.
ANYONE IN THE WORLD CAN
APPARENTLY PLACE A BET.
NOW, DUE TO ALASKA GAMING
REGULATIONS, THEY CAN'T
PHYSICALLY MAIL THE TICKETS OUT
TO YOU, BUT YOU CAN MAIL YOUR
LIST OF GUESSES ALONG WITH $2.50
PER GUESS TO THE NENANA ICE
CLASSIC OFFICE, AND THEY WILL
GLADLY FILL OUT THE TICKETS
FOR YOU.
AND AT THIS POINT, YOU CAN
PROBABLY SEE WHERE I'M GOING
WITH THIS, RIGHT?
YOU THINK I'D SPEND 10 MINUTES
TALKING ABOUT THE GREATEST ICE
MELTING CONTEST IN THE WORLD,
THEN SAY "OKAY, GOODNIGHT"
AND END THE SHOW?
NO, THAT'S NOT HOW WE OPERATE.
OF COURSE, WE'RE BETTING ON THIS
FUCKING ICE MELTING CONTEST.
OF COURSE WE ARE!
WE DECIDED TO PLACE EXACTLY ONE
BET ON THIS YEAR'S COMPETITION
FOR APRIL 26, 2022,
AT EXACTLY 2:17 P.M.
WHY?
I JUST HAVE A REALLY GOOD
FEELING ABOUT IT.
AND THE TRUTH IS, WE COULD HAVE
PLACED MORE BETS THAN THAT,
BUT IT DIDN'T FEEL RIGHT.
AT THAT POINT, WHAT WOULD STOP
SOMEONE FROM PLACING BETS FOR
EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY FOR
THE ENTIRE MONTH OF APRIL?
THEN IT JUST BECOMES A CONTEST
OF "WHO HAS THE MOST MONEY?"
AND THAT'S ALREADY THE GENERAL
CONTEST FOR LIFE IN AMERICA.
AND INITIALLY, WE WERE GOING TO
MAIL OUR GUESS TO ALASKA.
UNTIL WE REALIZED THAT'S NOT
FULLY ENTERING INTO THE TRUE
SPIRIT OF THE CONTEST.
SO INSTEAD, WE DECIDED LAST WEEK
TO GO ALL THE WAY TO NENANA AND
DROP OFF OUR BET IN ONE OF THOSE
RED CANS.
AND WHEN I SAY "WE," LET ME BE
VERY CLEAR.
I DON'T MEAN ME.
I DID NOT GO TO ALASKA.
YOU REALLY THINK "THIS" COULD
HANDLE A HARSH ALASKAN WINTER?
MY APARTMENT'S THERMOSTAT IS SET
TO "DAINTY BOY."
THANKFULLY, THOUGH, I KNOW
SOMEONE WITH A PERFECT BODY FOR
SUCH AN ADVENTURE.
YOU MAY REMEMBER, SEVERAL YEARS
AGO, IN AN ATTEMPT TO HELP
CELEBRATE EARTH DAY, WE
INTRODUCED A NEW MASCOT
MARSHMALLOW, THE POLAR BEAR WITH
A BROKEN PENIS.
NOW, WHY WAS HIS PENIS BROKEN?
I HONESTLY CAN'T REMEMBER,
AND I DOUBT IT REALLY MATTERS.
BUT LONG STORY SHORT, THE
ORGANIZERS OF EARTH DAY REFUSED
TO ADOPT MARSHMALLOW AS THEIR
MASCOT.
SHATTERING HIS HEART, LIKE HIS
PENIS, INTO A THOUSAND PIECES.
AND AS MARSHMALLOW'S BEEN
SITTING AROUND WITH NOTHING TO
DO FOR SEVEN YEARS, HE WAS MORE
THAN HAPPY TO DROP OUR BET OFF
IN PERSON, WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT
HE DID.
TAKE A LOOK.
>> THEY SAY THE JOURNEY OF A
THOUSAND MILES STARTS WITH A
SINGLE STEP BUT FOR THIS POLAR
BEAR, IT BEGAN WITH A FOND
FAREWELL TO HIS EMPLOYER.
A 90 MINUTE CAB RIDE TO NEWARK,
VIRTUALLY NO TSA LINE, AND AN
EIGHT-HOUR FLIGHT.
ONCE IN ALASKA, MARSHMALLOW WAS
READY TO GO.
UNFORTUNATELY, HIS LUGGAGE WAS
NOT.
FEELS LIKE THE FISH BACKS ALWAYS
COME OUT LAST.
FUCKING ALASKA AIRLINES.
MARSHMALLOW FACED AN OMEN OF THE
PERILOUS PATH AHEAD.
HERE WAS A FEAT FAR WORSE THAN A
BROKEN PENIS: BEING STUCK AT THE
AIRPORT FOREVER.
MARSHMALLOW KNEW THIS JOURNEY
WOULDN'T BE EASY, TREKKING
THROUGH THE VAST ARCTIC EXPANSE
OF SNOW, SUBZERO COLD, AND WINDS
THAT CUT TO THE BONE.
NO ONE SEEMED WILLING TO LEND A
HAND OR EVEN A HORN.
AND WHEN MARSHMALLOWS PAWS TOOK
HIM AS FAR AS THEY COULD GO AND
HE WAS AT HIS PHYSICAL AND
MENTAL LIMITS, HE CALLED ON
ALASKAN UBER.
NOW THAT'S A FIVE STAR RIDE.
SOON HE HAD REACHED HIS
DESTINATION.
NENANA, HOME OF THE ICE CLASSIC.
PLACING A SINGLE BET FOR $2.50
AAND I SMELTING CONTEST.
APRIL 26, 2:17 P.M.
THE WAGER 100% GUARANTEED TO WIN
THIS YEAR'S ICE CLASSIC.
A KIND STRANGER SAID THE NICEST
WORDS ANYONE HAD EVER SAID TO
MARSHMALLOW.
>> THANKS, MARSHMALLOW.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU AND I HOPE YOUR
PENIS FEELS BETTER.
>> SORTED MARSHMALLOW.
BUT OUR BEAR'S JOURNEY WASN'T
COMPLETE.
HE HAD ONE MORE THING LEFT TO
SEE.
SUDDENLY THERE IT WAS.
♪ ♪
THE MIGHTY TRIPOD ON THE RIVER.
AS STRAIGHT AND STURDY AS
MARSHMALLOW'S PENIS WAS NOT.
WE ALL FACE A FOREBODING TUNDRA
AT SOME POINT IN LIFE THAT WE
MUST CROSS.
BUT IT'S THE FIRE ON THE INSIDE
THAT PUSHES US THROUGH THE
BITTER COLD ON THE OUTSIDE AND
AS LONG AS THAT FIRE BURNS
WITHIN YOU, ANYTHING IS POSSIBL
POSSIBLE.
EXCEPT FOR FIXING A BROKEN PENI
PENIS.
>> John: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE WELCOME BACK FROM ALASKA,
MARSHMALLOW, THE POLAR BEAR
WITH A BROKEN PENIS!
WELCOME BACK, MARSHMALLOW.
HOW WAS ALASKA?
OH, YOU CAN'T TALK BECAUSE YOUR
PENIS HURTS TOO MUCH AND YOU'RE
A BEAR?
I'M SORRY, I FORGOT.
THE POINT IS, OUR BET FOR THIS
YEAR'S ICE CLASSIC
IS OFFICIALLY IN.
AND WHEN WE WIN, I'M PROUD TO
ANNOUNCE WE WILL DONATE OUR
ENTIRE PRIZE TO THE FOOD BANK OF
ALASKA.
AND IF FOR SOME WEIRD REASON,
WE DON'T WIN, WE'RE GOING TO
DONATE $10,000 TO THEM ANYWAY.
IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT MORE
ABOUT HOW TO BET ON THE ICE
CLASSIC, THERE'S INFORMATION ON
HOW TO DO THAT AT THIS ADDRESS
SO HAVE FUN, AND MAY THE BEST
GUESS WIN!
THAT'S OUR SHOW.
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR WATCHING.
THANK YOU TO MARSHMALLOW!
GOOD NIGHT!
WE DID IT!
WE DID IT, BUDDY.
WE DID IT.
THAT'S RIGHT.