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♪ ♪

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♪ ♪

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>> John: HI THERE!

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW, STILL

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COMING TO YOU FROM THIS BLANK

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VOID.

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ENTERTAINMENT'S MOST UPSETTING

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BASTION OF WHITENESS, NOT

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COUNTING THE HOLLYWOOD FOREIGN

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PRESS ASSOCIATION.

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IT'S BEEN ANOTHER BUSY WEEK.

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BIDEN MET WITH G7 LEADERS,

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JEFF BEZOS ANNOUNCED HE'LL BE

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HEADING TO SPACE ON THE WORLD'S

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FIRST CIRCUMCISED SPACECRAFT,

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AND AN INTERNET CONSPIRACY ABOUT

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PEOPLE BECOMING MAGNETIC AFTER

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GETTING VACCINATED TURNED UP AT

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THE OHIO STATE HOUSE:

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>> WE WERE TALKING ABOUT

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DR. TENPENNY'S TESTIMONY ABOUT

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MAGNETIC VACCINE CRYSTALS.

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SO THIS IS WHAT I FOUND OUT.

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SO I HAVE A KEY AND A BOBBY PIN

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HERE.

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EXPLAIN TO ME WHY THE KEY STICKS

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TO ME.

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IT STICKS TO MY NECK TOO.

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YEAH, SO IF SOMEBODY CAN

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EXPLAIN THIS, THAT WOULD BE

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GREAT.

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>> John: UM, SURE, I CAN TRY TO

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EXPLAIN WHAT THIS IS -- VERY

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BASICALLY, PUBLIC EDUCATION IS

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HORRIBLY UNDERFUNDED AND

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SCIENTIFIC LITERACY IS NOWHERE

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NEAR WHAT IT SHOULD BE IN THIS

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COUNTRY, CREATING A VACUUM OF

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TRUST IN LEGITIMATE RESEARCH.

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MEANWHILE, PEOPLE TEND TO SEEK

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OUT THE MINIMUM AMOUNT OF

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INFORMATION THAT LETS THEM KEEP

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BELIEVING WHAT THEY ALREADY

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BELIEVE -- IN YOUR CASE, THAT

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YOU'RE PRIVY TO SECRET KNOWLEDGE

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ABOUT A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY TO

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MAGNETIZE THE PEOPLE OF OHIO.

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ALL OF THAT IS PROBABLY WHY YOU

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FELT CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO TRUST

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SOME BULLSHIT YOU READ ONLINE SO

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MUCH YOU WERE WILLING TO LOOK

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LIKE A COMPLETE ASSHOLE IN FRONT

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OF ALL THESE PEOPLE.

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OH, AND IF YOU JUST MEANT THE

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KEY THING -- PEOPLE ARE

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SOMETIMES STICKY.

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WE'RE ALL KIND OF MOIST AND

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GROSS AND KEYS STICK TO US

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SOMETIMES.

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THAT'S IT.

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MEANWHILE, IN NEW YORK, THE NEWS

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HAS BEEN DOMINATED BY THE RACE

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FOR MAYOR.

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EARLY VOTING IN THE PRIMARIES

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STARTED YESTERDAY, AND FOR THE

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FIRST TIME, THE CITY'S USING

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RANKED CHOICE VOTING --

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SOMETHING THE CURRENT MAYOR

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CHOSE TO EXPLAIN BY IMAGINING A

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PIZZA-TOPPING ELECTION:

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>> GREEN PEPPERS, LADIES AND

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GENTLEMEN, RIGHT HERE, MY NUMBER

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ONE CHOICE.

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NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T

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APPRECIATE GREEN PEPPERS ENOUGH.

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NUMBER TWO: OLIVES, OKAY?

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THIS ONE'S A LITTLE

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CONTROVERSIAL.

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USUALLY IT'S BLACK OLIVES, COULD

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BE GREEN OLIVES, SOME PEOPLE

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THINK OLIVES BELONG ON A PIZZA,

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SOME PEOPLE ARE REALLY AGAINST

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IT, BUT I HAVE HAD VERY GOOD

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EXPERIENCES WITH OLIVES.

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>> John: THAT IS UNHINGED.

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GREEN PEPPERS AS YOUR NUMBER ONE

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CHOICE?

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GREEN PEPPERS AREN'T EVEN MY

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NUMBER ONE PEPPER.

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THEY'RE JUST UNRIPE RED ONES.

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THERE ISN'T EVEN A GREEN PEPPER

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CHARACTER IN THE "VEGGIETALES"

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UNIVERSE, BECAUSE THEY DISPROVE

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THE EXISTENCE OF A LOVING GOD.

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AND YOUR SECOND CHOICE IS

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OLIVES?

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ON A PIZZA?

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THAT YOU PLAN TO EAT WITH YOUR

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ACTUAL MOUTH?

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UNACCEPTABLE, BILL!

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THE RACE FOR THE DEMOCRATIC

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NOMINEE IS VERY MUCH IN FLUX.

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MAYA WILEY HAS BEEN SHORING UP

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PROGRESSIVE SUPPORT, WHILE A

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CONSISTENT FRONTRUNNER, FORMER

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POLICE OFFICER ERIC ADAMS, HAD

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TO DEFEND HIMSELF THIS WEEK FROM

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A PRETTY UNUSUAL ATTACK.

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>> DEMOCRAT ERIC ADAMS, A

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LEADING CONTENDER IN NEW YORK

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CITY'S MAYORAL RACE, TODAY

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INSISTING HE REALLY DOES LIVE IN

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NEW YORK.

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>> THIS IS OUR SMALL, HUMBLE

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KITCHEN.

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>> TAKING REPORTERS ON A TOUR OF

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HIS BROOKLYN PAD AFTER A

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POLITICO PIECE RAISED QUESTIONS

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ABOUT WHETHER OTHER TENANTS WERE

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REALLY LIVING IN THE APARTMENT,

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IF ADAMS IS SPENDING HIS TIME AT

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A PROPERTY HE OWNS WITH HIS

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PARTNER IN NEW JERSEY, OR IF HIS

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HOME IS ACTUALLY HIS OFFICE.

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>> John: YEAH.

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ERIC ADAMS HAD TO GIVE REPORTERS

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A TOUR OF A BROOKLYN APARTMENT

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TO PROVE HE LIVED THERE AND NOT

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IN NEW JERSEY.

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WHICH ALREADY DOESN'T LOOK GOOD,

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PARTLY BECAUSE HE ATTACKED

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ANDREW YANG FOR LEAVING THE CITY

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DURING THE PANDEMIC AND PARTLY

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BECAUSE HIS ARGUMENT THAT HE

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LIVES IN THAT BASEMENT APARTMENT

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RAISES MANY MORE QUESTIONS THAN

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IT ANSWERS.

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TWITTER DETECTIVES FLAGGED

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INCONSISTENCIES -- LIKE THE FACT

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THAT, IN 2017, ADAMS TWEETED A

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PHOTOGRAPH OF HIS #PlantBased

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FRIDGE IN #BedStuy.

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BUT ON THIS WEEK'S TOUR, THAT

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PLANT-BASED FRIDGE WAS NOWHERE

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TO BE FOUND.

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BECAUSE THIS WAS THE FRIDGE IN

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THE APARTMENT, WHICH YOU MIGHT

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NOTICE PROMINENTLY FEATURES

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SALMON, SOMETHING ADAMS CLAIMS

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BELONGS TO HIS SON, WHO LIVES

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THERE WITH HIM.

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ALTHOUGH EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT

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APARTMENT -- FROM THE DECOR TO

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THE FRIDGE -- SUGGESTS IT'S

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ACTUALLY HIS SON WHO LIVES

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THERE AND ADAMS WHO MIGHT

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OCCASIONALLY STAY WITH HIM.

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AND LOOK, IS THIS THE MOST

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IMPORTANT THING?

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NO, NOT REALLY.

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BUT IT IS WEIRD, AND THE WAY

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HE'S CHOOSING TO HANDLE IT IS

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EVEN WEIRDER.

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AND THE THING IS, THAT'S NOT

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EVEN THE STRANGEST HOUSE TOUR

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ADAMS HAS GIVEN, BECAUSE AS A

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STATE SENATOR IN 2011, HE

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RELEASED THIS VIDEO TEACHING

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PARENTS HOW TO SEARCH FOR

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CONTRABAND THEIR KIDS MIGHT BE

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HIDING:

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>> A JEWELRY BOX OF THIS NATURE

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MAY BE A SIMPLE JEWELRY BOX, BUT

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IF YOU LOOK THROUGH IT CLOSELY,

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YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR CHILD

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MAY BE HIDING.

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FOR INSTANCE, A GUN COULD BE

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HIDDEN.

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A SMALL-CALIBER WEAPON COULD BE

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HIDDEN INSIDE A JEWELRY BOX.

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WHEN YOUR CHILD BRING IN HIS

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POPULAR KNAPSACK WITH MANY

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DIFFERENT LOCATIONS.

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LOOK THROUGH IT TO SEE WHAT

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EXACTLY IS YOUR CHILD CARRYING

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IN ADDITION TO A BOOK?

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SOMETHING SIMPLE AS A CRACK

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PIPE, A USED CRACK PIPE.

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BEHIND A PICTURE FRAME YOU COULD

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FIND BULLETS.

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A BABY DOLL -- COULD BE JUST A

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BABY DOLL BUT ALSO IT COULD BE A

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PLACE WHERE YOU COULD SECRETE OR

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HIDE DRUGS.

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>> John: HONESTLY, THAT'S ALL

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GREAT, FROM THE BULLETS BEHIND

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THE PICTURE FRAME TO THE

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"POPULAR KNAPSACK" TO THE WEIRD

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MUSIC.

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BUT I WANT TO FOCUS ON THE DOLL.

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BECAUSE WHAT DOES ERIC ADAMS

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THINK A CHILD IS?

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IN HIS SCENARIO, YOUR CHILD IS

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YOUNG ENOUGH TO BE PLAYING WITH

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BABY DOLLS YET ALSO OLD ENOUGH

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TO BE DOING DRUGS.

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WHAT YEAR OF LIFE ENCOMPASSES

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BOTH THOSE ACTIVITIES?

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SIX AND A HALF?

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MAYBE?

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LOOK, ERIC ADAMS IS CLEARLY A

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VERY ODD MAN,

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BUT HE'S NOT ALONE IN THAT.

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ONE OF HIS CLOSEST RIVALS IS

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ANDREW YANG -- THE ANSWER TO THE

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QUESTION, "WHAT IF THE CONCEPT

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OF 'DABBING' WAS A PERSON?" --

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WHO, ON NATIONAL PETS DAY,

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POSTED, "CELEBRATING OUR DOG,

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GRIZZLY, WHO WE RAISED AS A

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PUPPY BUT HAD TO GIVE AWAY

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BECAUSE ONE OF OUR BOYS BECAME

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ALLERGIC TO HIM.

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MISS YOU, GRIZZ!

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#DogsForYang."

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AND IF YOU GAVE AWAY YOUR DOG,

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YOU CAN JUST NOT POST ANYTHING

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ON NATIONAL PETS DAY.

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EVEN IF YOU HAVE A DOG, YOU

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DON'T HAVE TO POST ANYTHING.

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YOUR DOG'S NOT GOING TO CARE

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EITHER WAY.

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DOGS DON'T KNOW WHAT TWITTER IS.

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IT'S WHY THEY'RE HAPPY.

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AND OTHER CANDIDATES HAVE BEEN

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FUCKING UP SOME PRETTY BASIC

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QUESTIONS.

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>> AS THE "NEW YORK TIMES"

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GRILLED THE CANDIDATES, SOME

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WERE STUMPED WHEN ASKED IF THEY

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COULD NAME THE MEDIAN PURCHASE

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PRICE OF A HOME IN BROOKLYN.

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RAY McGUIRE, A BANKING

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EXECUTIVE, SAID, "IT'S GOT TO BE

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SOMEWHERE IN THE $80,000 TO

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$90,000 RANGE, IF NOT HIGHER."

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AND SHAUN DONOVAN, FORMER

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FEDERAL HOUSING SECRETARY, HE

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SAID, "IN BROOKLYN, HUH?

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I DON'T KNOW FOR SURE.

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I WOULD GUESS IT'S AROUND

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$100,000."

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>> John: WELL, YOU GUESSED

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WRONG, BECAUSE THE NUMBER IS

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ACTUALLY $900,000.

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WHICH IS A REAL PROBLEM,

258
00:06:58,733 --> 00:07:00,300
BECAUSE IF THESE GUYS WANT TO

259
00:07:00,366 --> 00:07:01,966
RUN A CITY WITH AN AFFORDABLE

260
00:07:02,033 --> 00:07:03,300
HOUSING CRISIS, THEY MIGHT WANT

261
00:07:03,366 --> 00:07:04,933
TO LOOK AT THE TOP ZILLOW SEARCH

262
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,900
RESULT FOR BROOKLYN HOMES ON

263
00:07:07,966 --> 00:07:08,700
SALE FOR LESS THAN $100,000,

264
00:07:08,766 --> 00:07:09,866
WHICH IS -- AND THIS IS TRUE --

265
00:07:09,933 --> 00:07:11,133
THIS EMPTY LOT THAT LOOKS LIKE

266
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:12,200
THE SETTING OF A FILTHY PIGEON

267
00:07:12,266 --> 00:07:14,066
ORGY.

268
00:07:14,133 --> 00:07:15,833
BUT IF SOME CANDIDATES HAVE

269
00:07:15,900 --> 00:07:17,266
SEEMED OUT-OF-TOUCH, OTHERS HAVE

270
00:07:17,333 --> 00:07:18,733
SEEMED A LITTLE TOO EAGER TO

271
00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:20,266
SHARE.

272
00:07:20,333 --> 00:07:21,800
WHEN "NEW YORK MAGAZINE" ASKED

273
00:07:21,866 --> 00:07:23,200
ALL THE CANDIDATES ABOUT THE

274
00:07:23,266 --> 00:07:24,500
ITEMS THEY CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT,

275
00:07:24,566 --> 00:07:26,266
REPUBLICAN FERNANDO MATEO

276
00:07:26,333 --> 00:07:27,566
OFFERED UP, "QUILTED NORTHERN

277
00:07:27,633 --> 00:07:29,333
ULTRA PLUSH TOILET PAPER,"

278
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:31,000
EXPLAINING, "I HAVE BIG, STRONG

279
00:07:31,066 --> 00:07:32,200
HANDS, SO I NEED TOILET PAPER

280
00:07:32,266 --> 00:07:33,966
THAT WON'T BREAK WHEN I'M WIPING

281
00:07:34,033 --> 00:07:35,966
MY BUTT."

282
00:07:36,033 --> 00:07:37,833
AND THAT'S ALREADY GREAT -- IT'S

283
00:07:37,900 --> 00:07:38,966
FUNNY, CANDID, AND HE SAYS

284
00:07:39,033 --> 00:07:42,033
"WIPING MY BUTT."

285
00:07:42,100 --> 00:07:43,033
IT'S EXCELLENT.

286
00:07:43,100 --> 00:07:44,066
BUT HE DIDN'T STOP THERE.

287
00:07:44,133 --> 00:07:44,900
BECAUSE HE CONTINUED, "THIS HAS

288
00:07:44,966 --> 00:07:46,066
THAT TOUGHNESS, BUT IT'S SOFT

289
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:47,500
ENOUGH FOR MY SENSITIVE AREAS."

290
00:07:47,566 --> 00:07:49,566
SO ALREADY SOMETHING THAT

291
00:07:49,633 --> 00:07:51,100
STARTED AS A PUFF PIECE ABOUT

292
00:07:51,166 --> 00:07:52,633
FAVORITE PRODUCTS HAS TURNED

293
00:07:52,700 --> 00:07:54,266
INTO MATEO FORCING YOU TO THINK

294
00:07:54,333 --> 00:07:56,300
ABOUT HIS SENSITIVE ANUS.

295
00:07:56,366 --> 00:07:57,833
AND HE CLOSES STRONG, SAYING,

296
00:07:57,900 --> 00:07:59,200
"I'VE USED OTHER TOILET PAPER

297
00:07:59,266 --> 00:07:59,933
AND MY HAND HAS RIPPED RIGHT

298
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:00,966
THROUGH IT.

299
00:08:01,033 --> 00:08:06,766
IT'S A MESS."

300
00:08:06,833 --> 00:08:08,633
I USUALLY WRAP THE PAPER AROUND

301
00:08:08,700 --> 00:08:10,033
MY HEAD A FEW TIMES JUST SO IT

302
00:08:10,100 --> 00:08:11,033
DOESN'T BREAK."

303
00:08:11,100 --> 00:08:11,933
AND COME ON!

304
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:12,833
NOW WE'RE IN AN EXISTENTIAL

305
00:08:12,900 --> 00:08:13,666
TRAGEDY.

306
00:08:13,733 --> 00:08:14,533
HE'S LIKE LENNIE SMALL OR

307
00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:15,400
FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER -- A

308
00:08:15,466 --> 00:08:16,566
PHYSICAL BEHEMOTH ENRAPTURED BY

309
00:08:16,633 --> 00:08:18,200
THE LURE OF SOFT BEAUTY, BUT

310
00:08:18,266 --> 00:08:19,633
SADLY, THESE CURSED BRUTE HANDS

311
00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:21,633
KNOW ONLY DESTRUCTION.

312
00:08:21,700 --> 00:08:23,966
IT'S JUST MAGNIFICENT.

313
00:08:24,033 --> 00:08:25,633
IF MATEO DOESN'T GET ELECTED

314
00:08:25,700 --> 00:08:29,933
MAYOR, HE'D AT LEAST MAKE A

315
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:31,266
MUCH BETTER TOILET PAPER

316
00:08:31,333 --> 00:08:31,966
SPOKESMAN THAN THOSE WEIRD

317
00:08:32,033 --> 00:08:32,733
SHITTING BEARS.

318
00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:33,500
AND LOOK, IF YOU'RE THINKING,

319
00:08:33,566 --> 00:08:34,833
"THERE SURE ARE A LOT OF WEIRDOS

320
00:08:34,900 --> 00:08:35,866
RUNNING FOR MAYOR OF NEW YORK,"

321
00:08:35,933 --> 00:08:37,300
YEAH, OF COURSE THERE ARE.

322
00:08:37,366 --> 00:08:39,633
BECAUSE BEING A WEIRDO IN THIS

323
00:08:39,700 --> 00:08:40,766
CITY ISN'T A DISQUALIFIER, IT'S

324
00:08:40,833 --> 00:08:42,500
A PREREQUISITE.

325
00:08:42,566 --> 00:08:45,033
THINK ABOUT IT: OUR LAST THREE

326
00:08:45,100 --> 00:08:46,233
MAYORS WERE 9/11 NOSFERATU, A

327
00:08:46,300 --> 00:08:49,033
BILLIONAIRE ELF, AND THE GOOBER

328
00:08:49,100 --> 00:08:51,066
THAT YOU JUST SAW SAY OUT LOUD,

329
00:08:51,133 --> 00:08:52,400
"I HAVE HAD VERY GOOD

330
00:08:52,466 --> 00:08:53,700
EXPERIENCES WITH OLIVES."

331
00:08:53,766 --> 00:08:55,466
"WEIRD" IS KIND OF A JOB

332
00:08:55,533 --> 00:08:59,500
REQUIREMENT.

333
00:08:59,566 --> 00:09:00,100
AND WHILE IT WOULD BE GREAT IF

334
00:09:00,166 --> 00:09:00,800
CANDIDATES COULD BE GOOD AT

335
00:09:00,866 --> 00:09:01,733
OTHER STUFF AS WELL, THERE'S NO

336
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:02,633
DENYING THAT THE NEW YORK

337
00:09:02,700 --> 00:09:03,966
MAYOR'S OFFICE ISN'T JUST AN

338
00:09:04,033 --> 00:09:05,466
OPPORTUNITY FOR INNOVATIVE

339
00:09:05,533 --> 00:09:07,200
LEADERSHIP, IT'S ALSO A CALLING

340
00:09:07,266 --> 00:09:09,666
TO SPEND AT LEAST FOUR YEARS AS

341
00:09:09,733 --> 00:09:11,166
THE WEIRD PERSON ON TV EVERYONE

342
00:09:11,233 --> 00:09:12,133
GETS MAD AT FOR EATING PIZZA

343
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:13,733
WRONG.

344
00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:18,933
AND NOW THIS.

345
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:20,933
>> Announcer: AND NOW, SOMEONE

346
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:23,933
PLEASE STOP STUART VARNEY I'M

347
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:24,300
SAYING THIS.

348
00:09:24,366 --> 00:09:27,066
>> COME BACK TO THE SHOW ANYTIME

349
00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:28,833
YOU LIKE, OKAY?

350
00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:30,300
>> IT'S MY FAVORITE SHOW.

351
00:09:30,366 --> 00:09:32,600
I HOPE TO BE BACK SOON.

352
00:09:32,666 --> 00:09:35,133
>> FLATTERY IS THE MOTHER'S MILK

353
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:35,566
OF TELEVISION.

354
00:09:35,633 --> 00:09:37,433
>> FLATTERY IS THE MOTHER'S MILK

355
00:09:37,500 --> 00:09:38,433
OF TELEVISION.

356
00:09:38,500 --> 00:09:40,933
DON'T YOU FORGET IT.

357
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:42,666
FLATTERY IS THE MOTHER'S MILK OF

358
00:09:42,733 --> 00:09:43,366
TELEVISION.

359
00:09:43,433 --> 00:09:44,833
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

360
00:09:44,900 --> 00:09:48,100
FLATTERY IS THE MOTHER'S MILK OF

361
00:09:48,166 --> 00:09:48,733
TELEVISION.

362
00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:49,466
FLATTERY IS THE MOTHER'S MILK OF

363
00:09:49,533 --> 00:09:50,800
TELEVISION.

364
00:09:50,866 --> 00:09:51,700
FLATTERY IS THE MOTHER'S MILK OF

365
00:09:51,766 --> 00:09:53,200
TELEVISION.

366
00:09:53,266 --> 00:09:57,033
THE MOTHER'S MILK OF TELEVISION.

367
00:09:57,100 --> 00:09:57,300
FLATTERY.

368
00:09:57,366 --> 00:09:58,000
FLATTERY IS THE MOTHER'S MILK OF

369
00:09:58,066 --> 00:10:00,600
TELEVISION.

370
00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:01,666
THAT'S VERY GOOD STUFF.

371
00:10:01,733 --> 00:10:04,033
FLATTERY IS THE MOTHER'S MILK.

372
00:10:04,100 --> 00:10:04,733
FLATTERY IS THE MOTHER'S MILK

373
00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:08,833
OF TELEVISION.

374
00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:12,233
>> IT'S TRUE THOUGH.

375
00:10:12,300 --> 00:10:13,266
>> John: MOVING ON.

376
00:10:13,333 --> 00:10:14,133
OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS

377
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:15,000
THE FACT THAT SUMMER'S HERE!

378
00:10:15,066 --> 00:10:15,600
IT'S BEEN GETTING HOTTER AND

379
00:10:15,666 --> 00:10:16,233
HOTTER OUTSIDE, SO WE THOUGHT,

380
00:10:16,300 --> 00:10:17,066
"WHY NOT TAKE A BREAK AND HAVE

381
00:10:17,133 --> 00:10:17,666
SOME SUMMER FUN?

382
00:10:17,733 --> 00:10:21,100
WE'RE ALLOWED TO HAVE SOME

383
00:10:21,166 --> 00:10:21,566
SUMMER FUN, RIGHT?"

384
00:10:21,633 --> 00:10:23,466
SO TONIGHT, WE'RE GOING TO TALK

385
00:10:23,533 --> 00:10:23,966
ABOUT POPSICLES.

386
00:10:24,033 --> 00:10:26,366
THERE ARE TONS OF THEM IN

387
00:10:26,433 --> 00:10:28,800
AMERICA,

388
00:10:28,866 --> 00:10:31,366
AND WHEN THEY GET TOO HOT, IT

389
00:10:31,433 --> 00:10:32,133
CAN BE A REAL PROBLEM.

390
00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:32,733
SORRY -- DID I SAY POPSICLES?

391
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:33,133
I MEANT PRISONS.

392
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:33,766
WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT

393
00:10:33,833 --> 00:10:34,233
PRISONS.

394
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:34,833
THERE ARE TONS OF THEM IN

395
00:10:34,900 --> 00:10:35,400
AMERICA.

396
00:10:35,466 --> 00:10:36,266
AND WHEN THEY GET TOO HOT, IT

397
00:10:36,333 --> 00:10:36,966
CAN BE A REAL PROBLEM.

398
00:10:37,033 --> 00:10:37,400
DON'T ACT SURPRISED.

399
00:10:37,466 --> 00:10:38,066
YOU KNEW NO FUN WAS HAPPENING

400
00:10:38,133 --> 00:10:38,400
HERE.

401
00:10:38,466 --> 00:10:39,466
DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT OUR

402
00:10:39,533 --> 00:10:40,066
"SUMMER FUN" EPISODE WAS THIS

403
00:10:40,133 --> 00:10:41,066
TIME LAST YEAR?

404
00:10:41,133 --> 00:10:44,433
"VOTING BY MAIL."

405
00:10:44,500 --> 00:10:45,833
DON'T BE MAD AT ME.

406
00:10:45,900 --> 00:10:47,600
BE MAD AT YOURSELF.

407
00:10:47,666 --> 00:10:48,366
YOU CHOSE TO BE HERE.

408
00:10:48,433 --> 00:10:48,966
AND LOOK, THE FACT IS, HEAT IN

409
00:10:49,033 --> 00:10:49,500
PRISONS IS A BIG PROBLEM.

410
00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:50,566
WE'VE TALKED REPEATEDLY ABOUT

411
00:10:50,633 --> 00:10:51,500
THE INJUSTICES OF MASS

412
00:10:51,566 --> 00:10:52,466
INCARCERATION AND HOW LITTLE

413
00:10:52,533 --> 00:10:54,800
SOCIETY SEEMS TO CARE.

414
00:10:54,866 --> 00:10:56,533
AND A PRETTY GOOD EXAMPLE OF

415
00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:58,300
THAT IS THE FACT THAT IN

416
00:10:58,366 --> 00:10:59,733
SOME OF THE HOTTEST AREAS OF THE

417
00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:01,600
COUNTRY -- THESE STATES -- OVER

418
00:11:01,666 --> 00:11:02,500
HALF THE PRISONS LACK

419
00:11:02,566 --> 00:11:03,600
AIR CONDITIONING IN

420
00:11:03,666 --> 00:11:05,133
THEIR HOUSING AREAS.

421
00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:07,600
AND IN TEXAS, THAT'S THE CASE IN

422
00:11:07,666 --> 00:11:12,600
NEARLY 75% OF THEIR PRISONS.

423
00:11:12,666 --> 00:11:13,266
AND THAT IS NOT GOOD, BECAUSE IN

424
00:11:13,333 --> 00:11:14,233
SUMMER, THE HEAT INDEX INSIDE OF

425
00:11:14,300 --> 00:11:16,200
THEM CAN HIT 150 DEGREES.

426
00:11:16,266 --> 00:11:17,633
PLUS, THERE'S A GROWING

427
00:11:17,700 --> 00:11:18,800
POPULATION OF OLDER PRISONERS

428
00:11:18,866 --> 00:11:20,900
WHOSE AGE MAKES THEM MORE

429
00:11:20,966 --> 00:11:23,700
SUSCEPTIBLE TO THE HEAT, AND

430
00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:24,333
OVER 40% OF INCARCERATED PEOPLE

431
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:25,766
HAVE A CHRONIC MEDICAL

432
00:11:25,833 --> 00:11:27,166
CONDITION, RAISING THEIR RISK OF

433
00:11:27,233 --> 00:11:29,300
HEAT STROKE.

434
00:11:29,366 --> 00:11:30,700
SO A LOT OF THEM WORRY ABOUT

435
00:11:30,766 --> 00:11:31,766
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE WEATHER

436
00:11:31,833 --> 00:11:33,233
TURNS HOT.

437
00:11:33,300 --> 00:11:35,066
>> I HAVE HEART DISEASE, HIGH

438
00:11:35,133 --> 00:11:38,833
BLOOD PRESSURE, DIABETES.

439
00:11:38,900 --> 00:11:39,400
THAT'S THREE CONDITIONS THAT

440
00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:41,566
EVEN TDC ADMITS COULD MAKE A

441
00:11:41,633 --> 00:11:42,633
PERSON SUSCEPTIBLE TO EXTREME

442
00:11:42,700 --> 00:11:44,100
HEAT CONDITIONS.

443
00:11:44,166 --> 00:11:45,266
SO MY HEART HAS TO WORK A

444
00:11:45,333 --> 00:11:46,333
WHOLE LOT HARDER THAN THE

445
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:47,533
AVERAGE GUY JUST TO TRY TO COOL

446
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:48,633
MY BODY DOWN.

447
00:11:48,700 --> 00:11:50,200
AND AS A RESULT, I SUFFER FROM

448
00:11:50,266 --> 00:11:51,700
EXTREME CHEST PAINS.

449
00:11:51,766 --> 00:11:52,900
ON DAYS WHERE IT'S EXTREMELY

450
00:11:52,966 --> 00:11:57,200
HOT, I GET SICK REAL FAST.

451
00:11:57,266 --> 00:11:57,866
>> John: THAT IS REMARKABLY

452
00:11:57,933 --> 00:11:58,866
DANGEROUS.

453
00:11:58,933 --> 00:11:59,833
AND I'D ARGUE THAT THE ONLY TIME

454
00:11:59,900 --> 00:12:00,600
GETTING MURDERED BY THE HEAT IS

455
00:12:00,666 --> 00:12:01,733
ACCEPTABLE IS IF YOU'VE

456
00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:02,700
COMMITTED THE CRIME OF BEING A

457
00:12:02,766 --> 00:12:04,700
LOBSTER.

458
00:12:04,766 --> 00:12:07,066
BUT UNLESS YOU HAPPEN TO BE A

459
00:12:07,133 --> 00:12:08,466
TASTY SEA WEIRDO WITH EDIBLE

460
00:12:08,533 --> 00:12:09,833
ARMS AND A PILE OF SCRUMPTIOUS

461
00:12:09,900 --> 00:12:10,933
ASS MEAT THAT PAIRS BEAUTIFULLY

462
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:16,300
WITH MELTED BUTTER, I'M GONNA

463
00:12:16,366 --> 00:12:17,133
SAY THAT THAT IS VERY WRONG.

464
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:17,800
AND PHYSICAL CONDITIONS ARE JUST

465
00:12:17,866 --> 00:12:18,366
ONE PART OF THIS.

466
00:12:18,433 --> 00:12:19,966
PRISONS ALSO HOUSE AN INCREASING

467
00:12:20,033 --> 00:12:21,466
NUMBER OF PEOPLE WITH MENTAL

468
00:12:21,533 --> 00:12:22,400
HEALTH CONCERNS WHO REQUIRE

469
00:12:22,466 --> 00:12:23,966
MEDICATIONS THAT CAN COMPROMISE

470
00:12:24,033 --> 00:12:25,566
THEIR BODY'S ABILITY TO REGULATE

471
00:12:25,633 --> 00:12:27,466
TEMPERATURE, SO MANY AVOID

472
00:12:27,533 --> 00:12:30,033
TAKING THEIR MEDICATIONS WHEN

473
00:12:30,100 --> 00:12:31,366
IT'S HOT, WHICH MAY EXPLAIN WHY

474
00:12:31,433 --> 00:12:32,766
THERE IS AN INCREASE IN THE

475
00:12:32,833 --> 00:12:34,266
FREQUENCY OF SUICIDE WATCHES AND

476
00:12:34,333 --> 00:12:35,633
SELF-HARM BEHAVIORS DURING THE

477
00:12:35,700 --> 00:12:38,433
SUMMER MONTHS.

478
00:12:38,500 --> 00:12:40,700
THIS SITUATION IS SO BAD, THE

479
00:12:40,766 --> 00:12:42,433
U.N. COMMITTEE AGAINST TORTURE

480
00:12:42,500 --> 00:12:44,266
HAS EXPRESSED PARTICULAR CONCERN

481
00:12:44,333 --> 00:12:46,233
ABOUT DEATHS FROM EXTREME HEAT

482
00:12:46,300 --> 00:12:47,333
EXPOSURE IN PRISON FACILITIES IN

483
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:48,833
TEXAS.

484
00:12:48,900 --> 00:12:50,633
AND WHILE YOU PROBABLY ASSUMED

485
00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:52,200
TEXAS PRISONS WERE BAD, MAYBE

486
00:12:52,266 --> 00:12:53,300
NOT "INTERNATIONAL HUMAN RIGHTS

487
00:12:53,366 --> 00:12:55,066
WATCH LIST" BAD.

488
00:12:55,133 --> 00:12:56,233
AND JUST TO GET THIS OUT OF THE

489
00:12:56,300 --> 00:13:02,033
WAY: IF ANYONE IS THINKING,

490
00:13:02,100 --> 00:13:04,000
"WELL, COME ONE, IT'S PRISON,

491
00:13:04,066 --> 00:13:04,600
THESE CRIMINALS SHOULDN'T BE

492
00:13:04,666 --> 00:13:05,566
COMFORTABLE."

493
00:13:05,633 --> 00:13:07,433
FIRST, FUCK YOU.

494
00:13:07,500 --> 00:13:08,600
THEY'RE HUMAN BEINGS WHO, I'D

495
00:13:08,666 --> 00:13:09,500
ARGUE, DESERVE HUMANE TREATMENT

496
00:13:09,566 --> 00:13:14,500
REGARDLESS OF WHAT THEY DID.

497
00:13:14,566 --> 00:13:15,233
BUT EVEN IF YOU'RE FULLY ON

498
00:13:15,300 --> 00:13:15,900
BOARD WITH OUR CURRENT SYSTEM OF

499
00:13:15,966 --> 00:13:16,633
PUNITIVE JUSTICE ON A RIDICULOUS

500
00:13:16,700 --> 00:13:17,633
SCALE, YOU SHOULD KNOW, EVEN

501
00:13:17,700 --> 00:13:18,933
SOME OF THOSE UPHOLDING THIS

502
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:20,766
SYSTEM FIND THE CURRENT

503
00:13:20,833 --> 00:13:22,400
SITUATION INDEFENSIBLE.

504
00:13:22,466 --> 00:13:23,600
JUST LISTEN TO THE FORMER HEAD

505
00:13:23,666 --> 00:13:24,466
OF ONE CORRECTIONAL OFFICERS

506
00:13:24,533 --> 00:13:25,500
UNION:

507
00:13:25,566 --> 00:13:26,500
>> YOU KNOW, I DON'T HAVE LOVE

508
00:13:26,566 --> 00:13:28,000
FOR THESE PEOPLE.

509
00:13:28,066 --> 00:13:31,066
WE'RE NOT TRYING TO MAKE THIS

510
00:13:31,133 --> 00:13:32,233
LUSH AND -- WE'RE TRYING TO MAKE

511
00:13:32,300 --> 00:13:34,800
IT HUMANE.

512
00:13:34,866 --> 00:13:35,533
THESE ARE THIRD WORLD

513
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:36,266
CONDITIONS.

514
00:13:36,333 --> 00:13:36,933
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO RUN PRISONS,

515
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:38,733
NOT CONCENTRATION CAMPS.

516
00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:40,500
THESE ARE INSTITUTIONS FOR

517
00:13:40,566 --> 00:13:42,233
INCARCERATION.

518
00:13:42,300 --> 00:13:44,933
THE INCARCERATION IS THEIR

519
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:45,866
PUNISHMENT, NOT -- NOT COOKING

520
00:13:45,933 --> 00:13:47,233
THEM TO DEATH.

521
00:13:47,300 --> 00:13:48,900
>> John: RIGHT.

522
00:13:48,966 --> 00:13:50,366
AND JUST TAKE A MOMENT TO ABSORB

523
00:13:50,433 --> 00:13:51,433
THE SENTENCE, "WE'RE SUPPOSED TO

524
00:13:51,500 --> 00:13:53,800
RUN PRISONS, NOT CONCENTRATION

525
00:13:53,866 --> 00:13:55,033
CAMPS."

526
00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:56,633
IF SOMEONE HELPING TO RUN A

527
00:13:56,700 --> 00:13:57,900
SYSTEM IS COMPARING IT TO A

528
00:13:57,966 --> 00:13:59,366
CONCENTRATION CAMP, THINGS HAVE

529
00:13:59,433 --> 00:14:01,633
GOTTEN WAY OUT OF HAND.

530
00:14:01,700 --> 00:14:02,933
IF SOMEONE SAID, "WE'RE SUPPOSED

531
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:04,766
TO RUN A QUIZNOS, NOT A

532
00:14:04,833 --> 00:14:06,200
CONCENTRATION CAMP," YOU'D

533
00:14:06,266 --> 00:14:07,433
SERIOUSLY QUESTION WHAT THE FUCK

534
00:14:07,500 --> 00:14:09,933
IS GOING ON AT THAT QUIZNOS.

535
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:11,200
SO TONIGHT, LET'S TALK ABOUT

536
00:14:11,266 --> 00:14:13,066
HEAT IN PRISONS.

537
00:14:13,133 --> 00:14:16,933
AND LET'S START WITH THE OBVIOUS

538
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:18,400
QUESTION HERE: IF PRISONS ARE

539
00:14:18,466 --> 00:14:20,700
TOO HOT -- WHICH MANY CLEARLY

540
00:14:20,766 --> 00:14:21,433
ARE -- WHY NOT PUT IN

541
00:14:21,500 --> 00:14:22,233
AIR CONDITIONING?

542
00:14:22,300 --> 00:14:24,466
AND THAT DOES SEEM LIKE A PRETTY

543
00:14:24,533 --> 00:14:25,266
EASY FIX.

544
00:14:25,333 --> 00:14:25,966
BUT WHENEVER IT'S BROUGHT UP,

545
00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:26,700
LAWMAKERS AND PRISON OFFICIALS

546
00:14:26,766 --> 00:14:28,200
HAVE CLAIMED THEY SIMPLY CAN'T

547
00:14:28,266 --> 00:14:29,166
AFFORD IT.

548
00:14:29,233 --> 00:14:30,533
ALTHOUGH, WHEN MAKING THAT

549
00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:31,700
ARGUMENT, THEY'VE OCCASIONALLY

550
00:14:31,766 --> 00:14:33,300
BEEN SLIGHTLY MORE HONEST THAN

551
00:14:33,366 --> 00:14:34,933
THEY WERE PERHAPS PLANNING, LIKE

552
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,333
WHEN THIS TEXAS STATE SENATOR

553
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:38,566
APPEARED ON LOCAL RADIO.

554
00:14:38,633 --> 00:14:40,000
>> YOU KNOW, WE CAN TALK ABOUT

555
00:14:40,066 --> 00:14:41,966
THIS ALL DAY, IT'S NOT GONNA

556
00:14:42,033 --> 00:14:42,900
CHANGE.

557
00:14:42,966 --> 00:14:43,733
THE PRISONS ARE HOT.

558
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,666
THEY'RE UNCOMFORTABLE.

559
00:14:45,733 --> 00:14:47,500
AND THE REAL SOLUTION IS, DON'T

560
00:14:47,566 --> 00:14:48,300
COMMIT A CRIME AND YOU STAY AT

561
00:14:48,366 --> 00:14:49,100
HOME AND BE COOL.

562
00:14:49,166 --> 00:14:49,733
WE'RE NOT GONNA AIR CONDITION

563
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:50,466
THEM.

564
00:14:50,533 --> 00:14:51,400
ONE, WE DON'T WANT TO.

565
00:14:51,466 --> 00:14:52,700
NUMBER TWO, WE COULDN'T AFFORD

566
00:14:52,766 --> 00:14:55,433
IT IF WE WANTED TO.

567
00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:56,866
>> John: WELL, HOLD ON THERE.

568
00:14:56,933 --> 00:15:01,000
LET'S BACK UP TO NUMBER ONE.

569
00:15:01,066 --> 00:15:01,633
SHALL WE?

570
00:15:01,700 --> 00:15:02,600
"WE DON'T WANT TO."

571
00:15:02,666 --> 00:15:03,600
BECAUSE AFTER YOU SAY THAT, IT

572
00:15:03,666 --> 00:15:05,166
DOESN'T REALLY MATTER WHAT YOU

573
00:15:05,233 --> 00:15:05,966
SAY NEXT.

574
00:15:06,033 --> 00:15:06,833
IF PEOPLE DON'T CARE ABOUT

575
00:15:06,900 --> 00:15:07,733
FIXING A PROBLEM, THEY'RE JUST

576
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:09,100
NOT GOING TO FIX IT, HOWEVER

577
00:15:09,166 --> 00:15:11,066
SIMPLE THE SOLUTION IS.

578
00:15:11,133 --> 00:15:11,800
IT'S WHY YOUR SOFTWARE UPDATE

579
00:15:11,866 --> 00:15:13,066
STILL INTERRUPTS YOU EVERY

580
00:15:13,133 --> 00:15:14,366
SINGLE DAY.

581
00:15:14,433 --> 00:15:15,600
SURE, YOU COULD JUST CLICK ON

582
00:15:15,666 --> 00:15:16,866
THE ALERT AND FOLLOW THE BASIC

583
00:15:16,933 --> 00:15:17,500
STEPS TO MAKE THE UPDATES.

584
00:15:17,566 --> 00:15:18,333
BUT HAVE YOU DONE THAT?

585
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:19,333
OF COURSE NOT!

586
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:20,366
WHY?

587
00:15:20,433 --> 00:15:23,033
BECAUSE YOU COULD NOT GIVE ONE

588
00:15:23,100 --> 00:15:25,266
SINGLE, SOLITARY FUCK.

589
00:15:25,333 --> 00:15:27,166
AND IT SEEMS TEXAS IN PARTICULAR

590
00:15:27,233 --> 00:15:28,566
REALLY DOESN'T WANT TO PUT IN

591
00:15:28,633 --> 00:15:31,000
AIR CONDITIONING.

592
00:15:31,066 --> 00:15:33,266
IT ACTUALLY SPENT $7 MILLION ON

593
00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:35,033
A LAWSUIT TO FIGHT INSTALLING AC

594
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:36,433
IN ONE PRISON'S HOUSING AREA,

595
00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:38,700
DESPITE THE FACT THE ESTIMATED

596
00:15:38,766 --> 00:15:40,766
COST OF INSTALLATION WAS ONLY

597
00:15:40,833 --> 00:15:42,000
AROUND $4 MILLION.

598
00:15:42,066 --> 00:15:43,866
AND THEY'VE ALSO THROWN SOME

599
00:15:43,933 --> 00:15:45,833
SUSPICIOUSLY HIGH ESTIMATES

600
00:15:45,900 --> 00:15:47,133
AROUND.

601
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:48,933
THEY ONCE CLAIMED IT WOULD COST

602
00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:50,333
$109 MILLION TO INSTALL AC IN A

603
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:51,533
UNIT FOR DEVELOPMENTALLY

604
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:53,033
DISABLED PRISONERS, EVEN THOUGH

605
00:15:53,100 --> 00:15:55,000
THE ENTIRE HOUSING UNIT COST

606
00:15:55,066 --> 00:15:57,333
JUST $26 MILLION TO BUILD.

607
00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:59,600
AND LOOK, I ADMIT, I DON'T KNOW

608
00:15:59,666 --> 00:16:01,066
MUCH ABOUT AC INSTALLATION.

609
00:16:01,133 --> 00:16:02,500
IF YOU POINTED AT A RANDOM

610
00:16:02,566 --> 00:16:04,166
BUILDING AND SAID, "IT COST

611
00:16:04,233 --> 00:16:05,866
$10,000 TO INSTALL AC IN THERE,"

612
00:16:05,933 --> 00:16:07,066
I'D SAY, "OKAY, SURE," AND IF

613
00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:08,766
YOU POINTED AT ANOTHER ONE AND

614
00:16:08,833 --> 00:16:09,500
SAID, "IT COST $3 MILLION TO

615
00:16:09,566 --> 00:16:12,966
INSTALL IT IN THERE," I WOULD

616
00:16:13,033 --> 00:16:13,500
SAY, "YEAH, MAKES SENSE."

617
00:16:13,566 --> 00:16:14,633
BUT IF YOU POINTED AT A BUILDING

618
00:16:14,700 --> 00:16:16,100
AND SAID, "IT COST FOUR TIMES

619
00:16:16,166 --> 00:16:17,266
THE PRICE OF THAT BUILDING TO

620
00:16:17,333 --> 00:16:19,166
INSTALL AC IN IT," I'D SAY, "I

621
00:16:19,233 --> 00:16:20,300
THINK YOU SOMEHOW KNOW LESS

622
00:16:20,366 --> 00:16:22,000
ABOUT AIR CONDITIONING THAN I

623
00:16:22,066 --> 00:16:23,633
DO."

624
00:16:23,700 --> 00:16:25,200
AND THAT "TOO EXPENSIVE"

625
00:16:25,266 --> 00:16:27,166
ARGUMENT GETS EVEN HARDER TO

626
00:16:27,233 --> 00:16:28,533
TAKE WHEN YOU CONSIDER THAT, IN

627
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:29,766
SOME PRISONS, THERE IS CLIMATE

628
00:16:29,833 --> 00:16:31,100
CONTROL, JUST NOT FOR THE

629
00:16:31,166 --> 00:16:32,500
PRISONERS.

630
00:16:32,566 --> 00:16:33,933
BECAUSE SOME HAVE AC IN STAFF

631
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:35,333
OFFICES.

632
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:37,133
AND THEN THERE'S THIS:

633
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:38,566
>> TWO YEARS AGO, PRISON

634
00:16:38,633 --> 00:16:40,066
OFFICIALS SPENT MORE THAN

635
00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:41,433
$700,000 ON NEW

636
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:43,066
CLIMATE-CONTROLLED HOUSING

637
00:16:43,133 --> 00:16:45,166
FACILITIES.

638
00:16:45,233 --> 00:16:49,900
FOR PRISONERS, NO.

639
00:16:49,966 --> 00:16:50,600
FOR THE PRISONS' IN-HOUSE PIG

640
00:16:50,666 --> 00:16:51,266
FARMS.

641
00:16:51,333 --> 00:16:52,100
OFFICIALS SAY THE COOLING

642
00:16:52,166 --> 00:16:53,266
SYSTEMS ARE, "CONSISTENT WITH

643
00:16:53,333 --> 00:16:54,733
ANY SWINE OPERATION."

644
00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:56,366
>> John: LOOK, I'M NOT AGAINST

645
00:16:56,433 --> 00:16:57,566
PIGS GETTING TREATED

646
00:16:57,633 --> 00:16:59,200
COMFORTABLY.

647
00:16:59,266 --> 00:17:01,066
I LOVE PIGS -- THEIR SPRINGY

648
00:17:01,133 --> 00:17:03,333
TAILS, THEIR TOO-BIG EARS, THEIR

649
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:04,533
STUPID FLAT NOSES, AND THEIR

650
00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:05,800
HORRIBLE EYES -- PIGS ARE LIKE

651
00:17:05,866 --> 00:17:06,666
BIG CHUBBY DOGS YOU CAN EAT AT

652
00:17:06,733 --> 00:17:08,600
CHRISTMAS.

653
00:17:08,666 --> 00:17:09,866
I JUST QUESTION PRIORITIZING

654
00:17:09,933 --> 00:17:11,533
THEIR COMFORT OVER HUMANS'.

655
00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:13,133
AND THE THING IS, CORRECTIONS

656
00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:15,266
SYSTEMS DO SEEM TO ACKNOWLEDGE

657
00:17:15,333 --> 00:17:17,266
THAT THEY DO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH

658
00:17:17,333 --> 00:17:18,766
HEAT -- IT'S JUST, THEY OFTEN

659
00:17:18,833 --> 00:17:19,800
TRY TO TREAT IT WITH RIDICULOUS

660
00:17:19,866 --> 00:17:21,966
HALF-MEASURES.

661
00:17:22,033 --> 00:17:23,633
THE TEXAS PRISON SYSTEM EVEN

662
00:17:23,700 --> 00:17:24,700
PRODUCED THIS VIDEO ON WHAT

663
00:17:24,766 --> 00:17:25,966
STAFF SHOULD DO WHEN THEY SEE

664
00:17:26,033 --> 00:17:27,166
SOMEONE ABOUT TO PASS OUT FROM

665
00:17:27,233 --> 00:17:28,866
HEAT EXHAUSTION.

666
00:17:28,933 --> 00:17:30,300
>> IF CONSCIOUS AND ALERT, HAVE

667
00:17:30,366 --> 00:17:31,333
THE PERSON DRINK WATER OR A

668
00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:33,966
REHYDRATING SPORTS DRINK.

669
00:17:34,033 --> 00:17:35,233
DO NOT GIVE THEM CAFFEINATED

670
00:17:35,300 --> 00:17:36,466
DRINKS AS THESE WILL CONTRIBUTE

671
00:17:36,533 --> 00:17:40,133
TO FURTHER DEHYDRATION.

672
00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:42,033
SPRINKLE OR SPRAY THEM WITH

673
00:17:42,100 --> 00:17:43,766
WATER AND APPLY COOL WATER OR

674
00:17:43,833 --> 00:17:45,700
WET CLOTHS TO THE PERSON'S NECK,

675
00:17:45,766 --> 00:17:47,800
ARMPITS, AND GROIN.

676
00:17:47,866 --> 00:17:49,066
FAN THE PERSON IF THERE IS NO

677
00:17:49,133 --> 00:17:50,300
BREEZE.

678
00:17:50,366 --> 00:17:52,300
>> John: OKAY.

679
00:17:52,366 --> 00:17:53,666
FLICKING WATER IN THEIR FACE AND

680
00:17:53,733 --> 00:17:54,866
FANNING THEM WITH A CLIPBOARD IS

681
00:17:54,933 --> 00:17:56,366
JUST NOT GOING TO CUT IT.

682
00:17:56,433 --> 00:17:58,833
AND AT THAT POINT, IT MAKES JUST

683
00:17:58,900 --> 00:18:01,033
AS MUCH SENSE TO RECOMMEND,

684
00:18:01,100 --> 00:18:03,666
"LICK THE PERSON'S SWEAT OFF

685
00:18:03,733 --> 00:18:07,833
THEIR FOREHEAD," OR "RUB THEM

686
00:18:07,900 --> 00:18:09,500
WITH A DVD OF

687
00:18:09,566 --> 00:18:10,566
'CAPTAIN PHILLIPS.'"

688
00:18:10,633 --> 00:18:11,433
SURE, IT'S TECHNICALLY A

689
00:18:11,500 --> 00:18:12,666
GESTURE, BUT IT'S NOT GOING TO

690
00:18:12,733 --> 00:18:13,466
DO MUCH.

691
00:18:13,533 --> 00:18:14,533
THE PROBLEM IS, WHEN PRISONS USE

692
00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:15,400
THINGS LIKE LARGE FANS AND WATER

693
00:18:15,466 --> 00:18:16,266
MISTERS, THEY ONLY HELP TO A

694
00:18:16,333 --> 00:18:17,666
CERTAIN THRESHOLD OF HEAT.

695
00:18:17,733 --> 00:18:19,066
BEYOND IT, THEY CAN ACTUALLY

696
00:18:19,133 --> 00:18:20,500
MAKE THINGS WORSE.

697
00:18:20,566 --> 00:18:22,800
WATER MISTERS INCREASE HUMIDITY,

698
00:18:22,866 --> 00:18:24,933
AND THE CDC HAS EXPLICITLY SAID

699
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:26,466
IT DOES NOT RECOMMEND THE USE OF

700
00:18:26,533 --> 00:18:28,966
FANS ABOVE A 95-DEGREE HEAT

701
00:18:29,033 --> 00:18:31,166
INDEX, AS THEY ACTUALLY INCREASE

702
00:18:31,233 --> 00:18:32,933
HEAT STRESS BY BLOWING AIR THAT

703
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,300
IS WARMER THAN THE BODY'S

704
00:18:34,366 --> 00:18:36,200
TEMPERATURE.

705
00:18:36,266 --> 00:18:37,200
AND DANGEROUS SITUATIONS GET

706
00:18:37,266 --> 00:18:38,800
COMPOUNDED BY THE FACT THAT WHEN

707
00:18:38,866 --> 00:18:40,566
HEAT-RELATED ISSUES OCCUR,

708
00:18:40,633 --> 00:18:42,300
PRISONS CAN SHOW VERY LITTLE

709
00:18:42,366 --> 00:18:43,900
URGENCY IN ADDRESSING THEM.

710
00:18:43,966 --> 00:18:45,100
TAKE WHAT HAPPENED TO

711
00:18:45,166 --> 00:18:46,766
LARRY McCOLLUM.

712
00:18:46,833 --> 00:18:48,966
HE WAS SERVING AN 11-MONTH

713
00:18:49,033 --> 00:18:50,766
SENTENCE FOR CASHING A BAD CHECK

714
00:18:50,833 --> 00:18:52,533
AND BEGAN SHOWING SYMPTOMS OF

715
00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:56,300
HEAT STROKE, BUT EMS WASN'T

716
00:18:56,366 --> 00:18:58,700
CALLED UNTIL OVER 40 MINUTES

717
00:18:58,766 --> 00:19:03,266
AFTER HE WAS FOUND CONVULSING.

718
00:19:03,333 --> 00:19:04,000
WHEN McCOLLUM FINALLY ARRIVED AT

719
00:19:04,066 --> 00:19:05,000
THE HOSPITAL, HIS BODY

720
00:19:05,066 --> 00:19:06,233
TEMPERATURE WAS 109 DEGREES.

721
00:19:06,300 --> 00:19:07,866
AND HE DIED DAYS LATER.

722
00:19:07,933 --> 00:19:09,500
AND WHEN THAT PRISON'S WARDEN

723
00:19:09,566 --> 00:19:11,200
WAS QUESTIONED ABOUT THE DELAY

724
00:19:11,266 --> 00:19:12,466
IN MEDICAL TREATMENT, THIS WAS

725
00:19:12,533 --> 00:19:15,600
HIS RIDICULOUS RESPONSE.

726
00:19:15,666 --> 00:19:16,666
>> IF YOU RE AT HOME AND YOUR

727
00:19:16,733 --> 00:19:18,333
WIFE WAS HAVING A HEART ATTACK

728
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:19,566
AND YOU CALLED 911 AND IT TOOK A

729
00:19:19,633 --> 00:19:20,966
HALF HOUR FOR THEM TO ARRIVE,

730
00:19:21,033 --> 00:19:21,866
WOULD YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH

731
00:19:21,933 --> 00:19:23,966
THAT?

732
00:19:24,033 --> 00:19:25,266
>> THAT'S SPECULATING.

733
00:19:25,333 --> 00:19:26,200
I DON'T KNOW -- I WOULDN'T KNOW

734
00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:26,766
IF SHE HAD A HEART ATTACK OR

735
00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:29,033
NOT.

736
00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:30,300
>> OKAY.

737
00:19:30,366 --> 00:19:30,866
I WOULD HAVE A PROBLEM WITH

738
00:19:30,933 --> 00:19:33,300
THAT, JUST LETTING YOU KNOW.

739
00:19:33,366 --> 00:19:35,000
OKAY?

740
00:19:35,066 --> 00:19:36,466
IF MY WIFE WAS HAVING A HEART

741
00:19:36,533 --> 00:19:38,133
ATTACK AND I CALLED 911 AND IT

742
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:39,466
TOOK A HALF HOUR FOR AN

743
00:19:39,533 --> 00:19:42,833
AMBULANCE TO ARRIVE.

744
00:19:42,900 --> 00:19:44,733
YOU DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE

745
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:46,266
SAYING THAT YOU TOO WOULD HAVE

746
00:19:46,333 --> 00:19:49,266
AN ISSUE WITH THAT?

747
00:19:49,333 --> 00:19:50,466
>> I WOULD NOT.

748
00:19:50,533 --> 00:19:51,366
I WOULD HAVE TO FIGURE OUT

749
00:19:51,433 --> 00:19:52,400
WHETHER IT'S A HEART ATTACK OR

750
00:19:52,466 --> 00:19:53,433
NOT.

751
00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:55,233
>> OKAY.

752
00:19:55,300 --> 00:19:56,300
>> COULD BE JUST BAD CHILI.

753
00:19:56,366 --> 00:19:57,333
>> John: WHAT THE FUCK?

754
00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:58,700
FIRST, NO ONE WOULD EVER CONFUSE

755
00:19:58,766 --> 00:19:59,733
SOMEONE HAVING VIOLENT

756
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:00,933
CONVULSIONS WITH HAVING BAD

757
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:02,433
CHILI.

758
00:20:02,500 --> 00:20:04,200
SECOND, BAD CHILI HAS A NAME,

759
00:20:04,266 --> 00:20:05,200
AND IT'S CALLED HORMEL.

760
00:20:05,266 --> 00:20:06,366
SHOW SOME RESPECT TO THAT CAN OF

761
00:20:06,433 --> 00:20:08,866
BEAN NIGHTMARES.

762
00:20:08,933 --> 00:20:09,933
AND FINALLY, GUESSING YOUR

763
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,233
WIFE'S HEART ATTACK MIGHT BE

764
00:20:11,300 --> 00:20:12,533
JUST "BAD CHILI" IS A TERRIBLE

765
00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:14,533
ANSWER, NOT ONLY BECAUSE THAT'S

766
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:16,900
NOT HOW HEART ATTACKS WORK, IT'S

767
00:20:16,966 --> 00:20:18,700
ALSO NOT HOW HYPOTHETICALS WORK.

768
00:20:18,766 --> 00:20:20,366
IN THIS SCENARIO, YOUR WIFE IS

769
00:20:20,433 --> 00:20:22,166
HAVING A HEART ATTACK.

770
00:20:22,233 --> 00:20:23,133
YOU CAN'T JUST IGNORE THE

771
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:24,500
PREMISE.

772
00:20:24,566 --> 00:20:26,266
IF SOMEONE ASKS, "IF YOU COULD

773
00:20:26,333 --> 00:20:28,900
HAVE DINNER WITH ANYONE, LIVING

774
00:20:28,966 --> 00:20:29,800
OR DEAD, WHO WOULD YOU CHOOSE,"

775
00:20:29,866 --> 00:20:30,433
YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SAY, "NO,

776
00:20:30,500 --> 00:20:32,566
THANKS, I ALREADY ATE."

777
00:20:32,633 --> 00:20:33,666
THAT'S NOT THE POINT OF THE

778
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:35,600
QUESTION.

779
00:20:35,666 --> 00:20:39,666
AND AMAZINGLY, AS BAD AS THAT

780
00:20:39,733 --> 00:20:40,566
RESPONSE WAS, IT WASN'T EVEN THE

781
00:20:40,633 --> 00:20:41,700
WORST MOMENT IN HIS DEPOSITION,

782
00:20:41,766 --> 00:20:42,800
BECAUSE MONTHS LATER, HE WAS

783
00:20:42,866 --> 00:20:44,133
ASKED ABOUT HOW THE POPULATION

784
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:46,333
OF HIS PRISON MIGHT BE MORE

785
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:46,900
SUSCEPTIBLE TO HEAT-RELATED

786
00:20:46,966 --> 00:20:47,533
ILLNESS.

787
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:48,733
AND JUST WATCH THIS INFURIATING

788
00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:50,333
EXCHANGE.

789
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:51,266
>> DO YOU SUSPECT THAT SOME OF

790
00:20:51,333 --> 00:20:52,500
THE PEOPLE WHO COME INTO YOUR

791
00:20:52,566 --> 00:20:53,166
FACILITY ARE GOING TO HAVE

792
00:20:53,233 --> 00:20:53,933
HYPERTENSION?

793
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:55,366
>> I DO NOT KNOW.

794
00:20:55,433 --> 00:20:56,266
>> DO YOU SUSPECT THAT SOME OF

795
00:20:56,333 --> 00:20:57,233
THE PEOPLE WHO COME INTO YOUR

796
00:20:57,300 --> 00:20:58,266
FACILITY ARE GOING TO BE, I

797
00:20:58,333 --> 00:20:59,266
DON'T KNOW, OLDER THAN 60?

798
00:20:59,333 --> 00:21:01,366
>> I DO NOT KNOW.

799
00:21:01,433 --> 00:21:02,500
>> DO YOU SUSPECT THAT SOME OF

800
00:21:02,566 --> 00:21:03,366
THE PEOPLE WHO COME INTO YOUR

801
00:21:03,433 --> 00:21:04,800
FACILITY ARE GOING TO BE OLDER

802
00:21:04,866 --> 00:21:05,900
THAN 40?

803
00:21:05,966 --> 00:21:07,600
>> I DO NOT KNOW.

804
00:21:07,666 --> 00:21:08,666
>> DO YOU SUSPECT THAT SOME OF

805
00:21:08,733 --> 00:21:09,633
THE PEOPLE THAT ARE GOING TO

806
00:21:09,700 --> 00:21:11,300
COME INTO YOUR FACILITY ARE

807
00:21:11,366 --> 00:21:11,966
GOING TO BE ON PSYCHOTROPIC

808
00:21:12,033 --> 00:21:13,300
MEDICATIONS?

809
00:21:13,366 --> 00:21:14,833
>> I DO NOT KNOW.

810
00:21:14,900 --> 00:21:16,366
>> WOULDN'T ANY COMPETENT

811
00:21:16,433 --> 00:21:20,833
SUPERVISOR, SHOULDN'T HE OR SHE

812
00:21:20,900 --> 00:21:22,200
KNOW THE ANSWERS TO THOSE

813
00:21:22,266 --> 00:21:23,366
QUESTIONS?

814
00:21:23,433 --> 00:21:25,000
>> I DO NOT KNOW.

815
00:21:25,066 --> 00:21:25,966
>> John: OKAY, WE GET IT.

816
00:21:26,033 --> 00:21:27,533
YOU DON'T KNOW A LOT OF THINGS.

817
00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:28,700
I ALMOST WISH THAT LINE OF

818
00:21:28,766 --> 00:21:30,033
QUESTIONING HAD CONTINUED.

819
00:21:30,100 --> 00:21:31,000
"DO YOU SUSPECT THAT SOME OF THE

820
00:21:31,066 --> 00:21:31,666
PEOPLE WHO COME INTO YOUR

821
00:21:31,733 --> 00:21:32,700
FACILITY ARE FIRE MUTANTS

822
00:21:32,766 --> 00:21:33,466
POWERED BY HEAT?"

823
00:21:33,533 --> 00:21:34,433
"I DO NOT KNOW."

824
00:21:34,500 --> 00:21:35,466
"DO YOU HAVE A TATTOO OF PEPPA

825
00:21:35,533 --> 00:21:36,533
PIG ON YOUR LOWER BACK?"

826
00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:37,400
"I DO NOT KNOW."

827
00:21:37,466 --> 00:21:38,466
"IF YOU WERE SURE NO ONE WOULD

828
00:21:38,533 --> 00:21:39,566
EVER FIND OUT, WOULD YOU HAVE

829
00:21:39,633 --> 00:21:40,700
CONSENSUAL SEX WITH A DOLPHIN?"

830
00:21:40,766 --> 00:21:41,500
"I DO NOT KNOW."

831
00:21:41,566 --> 00:21:43,100
"WOULD YOU HIT BRUCE WILLIS WITH

832
00:21:43,166 --> 00:21:43,633
YOUR CAR IF GIVEN THE

833
00:21:43,700 --> 00:21:44,733
OPPORTUNITY?"

834
00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:45,500
"I DO NOT KNOW."

835
00:21:45,566 --> 00:21:46,666
"WHY DO YOU THINK RESPONDING

836
00:21:46,733 --> 00:21:47,500
WITH 'I DO NOT KNOW' TO EVERY

837
00:21:47,566 --> 00:21:48,800
QUESTION ASKED OF A PERSON MAKES

838
00:21:48,866 --> 00:21:49,400
THEM SOUND LIKE A TOTAL

839
00:21:49,466 --> 00:21:50,733
DIPSHIT?"

840
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:55,433
"I DO NOT KNOW."

841
00:21:55,500 --> 00:21:56,066
SO, LOOK, WHEN YOU PUT ALL THIS

842
00:21:56,133 --> 00:21:57,000
TOGETHER, PRISONERS IN THIS

843
00:21:57,066 --> 00:21:58,066
COUNTRY ARE DESPERATELY

844
00:21:58,133 --> 00:21:58,866
UNCOMFORTABLE, AND SOMETIMES

845
00:21:58,933 --> 00:22:00,166
DYING, DUE TO THE HEAT, AND NO

846
00:22:00,233 --> 00:22:00,766
ONE SEEMS TO GIVE ENOUGH OF A

847
00:22:00,833 --> 00:22:02,200
SHIT TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

848
00:22:02,266 --> 00:22:04,100
AND WHILE A LOT OF THE

849
00:22:04,166 --> 00:22:05,000
FACILITIES I'VE SHOWN YOU

850
00:22:05,066 --> 00:22:06,500
TONIGHT HAVE BEEN IN TEXAS,

851
00:22:06,566 --> 00:22:07,233
THAT'S NOT BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY

852
00:22:07,300 --> 00:22:08,266
CULPRIT.

853
00:22:08,333 --> 00:22:09,366
IT'S JUST ONE OF THE ONLY STATES

854
00:22:09,433 --> 00:22:10,833
WHERE THIS STORY HAS BEEN

855
00:22:10,900 --> 00:22:12,933
EXTENSIVELY REPORTED ON CAMERA.

856
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:13,600
BUT YOU CAN FIND ACCOUNTS OF

857
00:22:13,666 --> 00:22:17,533
SIMILAR PROBLEMS IN LOUISIANA

858
00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:20,300
AND ALABAMA AND FLORIDA AND

859
00:22:20,366 --> 00:22:22,633
VIRGINIA AND MICHIGAN.

860
00:22:22,700 --> 00:22:24,233
THIS IS A DEADLY SITUATION, AND

861
00:22:24,300 --> 00:22:26,200
IT'S ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE,

862
00:22:26,266 --> 00:22:27,066
ESPECIALLY AS SUMMERS ARE

863
00:22:27,133 --> 00:22:28,400
GETTING HOTTER AND HOTTER.

864
00:22:28,466 --> 00:22:29,766
AND WHILE THIS IS CLEARLY JUST

865
00:22:29,833 --> 00:22:31,266
ONE SMALL PART OF A MUCH LARGER

866
00:22:31,333 --> 00:22:32,266
DISCUSSION ABOUT WHETHER AND HOW

867
00:22:32,333 --> 00:22:33,733
PRISONS SHOULD EXIST IN THIS

868
00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:35,866
COUNTRY, UNTIL SUCH TIME AS WE

869
00:22:35,933 --> 00:22:37,166
HAVE THAT DISCUSSION, THERE IS

870
00:22:37,233 --> 00:22:38,900
ACTUALLY AN EASY SOLUTION TO

871
00:22:38,966 --> 00:22:40,933
THIS ONE PROBLEM, AND THAT IS,

872
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:42,666
PRISONS NEED AIR CONDITIONING.

873
00:22:42,733 --> 00:22:44,733
SO PUT AIR CONDITIONING IN.

874
00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:46,566
THAT'S IT.

875
00:22:46,633 --> 00:22:47,733
I KNOW THIS SHOW HAS TRAINED YOU

876
00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:48,666
TO ANTICIPATE NUANCE, BUT THIS

877
00:22:48,733 --> 00:22:51,300
ONE'S PRETTY STRAIGHTFORWARD.

878
00:22:51,366 --> 00:22:52,033
WE SHOULDN'T BE COOKING

879
00:22:52,100 --> 00:22:53,133
PRISONERS TO DEATH.

880
00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:56,500
THE END.

881
00:22:56,566 --> 00:22:57,900
THAT'S JUST NOT SOMETHING WE

882
00:22:57,966 --> 00:22:58,600
SHOULD BE ALLOWING UNDER ANY

883
00:22:58,666 --> 00:22:59,300
CIRCUMSTANCES.

884
00:22:59,366 --> 00:23:00,333
BECAUSE LOCKING HUMAN BEINGS IN

885
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:02,300
ROOMS WITH A HEAT INDEX OF 150

886
00:23:02,366 --> 00:23:04,333
DEGREES BEGS THE QUESTION, "HOW

887
00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:06,766
ON EARTH COULD ANYONE, ANYWHERE,

888
00:23:06,833 --> 00:23:09,500
THINK IT'S OKAY TO DO THAT?"

889
00:23:09,566 --> 00:23:11,566
AND TO BORROW THE GO-TO ANSWER

890
00:23:11,633 --> 00:23:12,833
OF AN EXTREMELY WEIRD, EXTREMELY

891
00:23:12,900 --> 00:23:14,933
CRUEL MAN: "I DO NOT KNOW."

892
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:20,800
AND NOW THIS.

893
00:23:20,866 --> 00:23:24,100
>> Announcer: AND NOW, AND NOW

894
00:23:24,166 --> 00:23:25,000
NOW, "LAST WEEK TONIGHT" LEFT

895
00:23:25,066 --> 00:23:27,233
FOX 51 YEAR AGO THIS WEEK, AND

896
00:23:27,300 --> 00:23:29,233
WE MISS HIS MAN ON THE STREET

897
00:23:29,300 --> 00:23:31,833
SEGMENTS NOW MORE THAN EVER.

898
00:23:31,900 --> 00:23:33,266
>> HERE'S MY QUESTION.

899
00:23:33,333 --> 00:23:35,500
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE WAY TO

900
00:23:35,566 --> 00:23:36,266
WATCH TV?

901
00:23:36,333 --> 00:23:38,266
>> IN MY BED.

902
00:23:38,333 --> 00:23:38,600
>> RELAXING.

903
00:23:38,666 --> 00:23:40,000
>> IN A RECLINER.

904
00:23:40,066 --> 00:23:42,833
>> IN A RECLINER.

905
00:23:42,900 --> 00:23:43,600
YOU HAVE ONE?

906
00:23:43,666 --> 00:23:45,800
WHERE IS THE WORST PLACE YOU'VE

907
00:23:45,866 --> 00:23:47,233
EVER BEEN STUCK?

908
00:23:47,300 --> 00:23:48,266
>> X-RAY MACHINE.

909
00:23:48,333 --> 00:23:50,233
>> IN AN X-RAY MACHINE.

910
00:23:50,300 --> 00:23:52,800
WHAT CONSISTENCY DO YOU LIKE

911
00:23:52,866 --> 00:23:53,466
YOUR MILK SHAKE?

912
00:23:53,533 --> 00:23:54,233
>> THICK.

913
00:23:54,300 --> 00:23:55,466
>> THICK.

914
00:23:55,533 --> 00:23:57,033
DO YOU HAVE A LOT OF BABY

915
00:23:57,100 --> 00:23:58,500
PICTURES OF YOURSELF?

916
00:23:58,566 --> 00:24:00,433
HOW DO YOU HANDLE PEOPLE WHO

917
00:24:00,500 --> 00:24:00,866
ANNOY YOU?

918
00:24:00,933 --> 00:24:01,866
CAN YOU SPELL CARIBBEAN?

919
00:24:01,933 --> 00:24:03,866
DO YOU KNOW WHO YOUR NEIGHBORS

920
00:24:03,933 --> 00:24:04,033
ARE?

921
00:24:04,100 --> 00:24:07,266
>> I'M LIVING WITH YOUR MY

922
00:24:07,333 --> 00:24:07,533
NEIGHBORS.

923
00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:08,633
>> GOOD FOR YOU.

924
00:24:08,700 --> 00:24:09,833
TELL ME ABOUT THAT.

925
00:24:09,900 --> 00:24:11,966
IS THERE A NICKNAME YOU WISH YOU

926
00:24:12,033 --> 00:24:12,866
HAD.

927
00:24:12,933 --> 00:24:13,766
>> SWIFTIE.

928
00:24:13,833 --> 00:24:15,500
>> IF YOU'RE WATCHING A SHOW

929
00:24:15,566 --> 00:24:18,100
ABOUT FOOD, DOES IT MAKE YOU

930
00:24:18,166 --> 00:24:18,333
HUNGRY?

931
00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:18,833
>> YES.

932
00:24:18,900 --> 00:24:21,333
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK TASTES

933
00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:22,466
GOOD, BUT IT'S REALLY DIFFICULT

934
00:24:22,533 --> 00:24:24,366
OR MESSY TO EAT.

935
00:24:24,433 --> 00:24:24,766
>> PASTA.

936
00:24:24,833 --> 00:24:26,800
I'M SLOPPY WITH SPAGHETTI AND

937
00:24:26,866 --> 00:24:27,066
MEATBALLS.

938
00:24:27,133 --> 00:24:29,700
>> THAT'S A POPULAR ONE.

939
00:24:29,766 --> 00:24:31,966
>> ALL OVER MY SHIRT.

940
00:24:32,033 --> 00:24:33,600
SPEAKER OF THE TOMATO SAUCE AND

941
00:24:33,666 --> 00:24:34,566
EVERYTHING.

942
00:24:34,633 --> 00:24:36,433
TASTES GOOD, DOESN'T IT?

943
00:24:36,500 --> 00:24:38,800
GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.

944
00:24:38,866 --> 00:24:41,266
THE OTHER THING I WOULD SAY IS

945
00:24:41,333 --> 00:24:41,533
THE SOUP.

946
00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:45,966
>> THAT CAN BE SLOPPY.

947
00:24:46,033 --> 00:24:46,733
>> John: MOVING ON.

948
00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:47,666
BEFORE WE GO, I WANTED TO TAKE A

949
00:24:47,733 --> 00:24:48,300
MOMENT TO DISCUSS COMMERCIALS.

950
00:24:48,366 --> 00:24:48,900
YOU KNOW, THE THING YOU

951
00:24:48,966 --> 00:24:49,566
SUBSCRIBE TO HBO TO AVOID

952
00:24:49,633 --> 00:24:50,400
SEEING.

953
00:24:50,466 --> 00:24:51,833
SPECIFICALLY, I'D LIKE TO TALK

954
00:24:51,900 --> 00:24:52,966
ABOUT ADS FOR LOCAL CAR

955
00:24:53,033 --> 00:24:54,500
DEALERSHIPS, BECAUSE THEY CAN BE

956
00:24:54,566 --> 00:24:55,500
ABSOLUTE WORKS OF ART, LIKE THIS

957
00:24:55,566 --> 00:24:58,300
ONE:

958
00:24:58,366 --> 00:25:00,000
>> HEY, Y'ALL, IT'S BRYCE

959
00:25:00,066 --> 00:25:01,033
"THUG NASTY" MITCHELL HERE.

960
00:25:01,100 --> 00:25:02,033
I'M AT DRIVE ON TIME MOTORS 900

961
00:25:02,100 --> 00:25:03,600
EAST LINE ROAD, SEARCY,

962
00:25:03,666 --> 00:25:04,866
ARKANSAS, WHITE COUNTY.

963
00:25:04,933 --> 00:25:06,400
THEY PAID ME TO BE HERE.

964
00:25:06,466 --> 00:25:07,500
THESE AIN'T MY CARS AND I DON'T

965
00:25:07,566 --> 00:25:09,000
REALLY CARE ABOUT THEM.

966
00:25:09,066 --> 00:25:11,933
♪ ♪

967
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:13,300
WHEN I RIPPED MY TESTICLES OPEN

968
00:25:13,366 --> 00:25:14,833
WITH A DRILL, I HAD TO DRIVE

969
00:25:14,900 --> 00:25:16,500
MYSELF TO THE HOSPITAL IN MY

970
00:25:16,566 --> 00:25:18,233
PICKUP TRUCK.

971
00:25:18,300 --> 00:25:19,400
I REALLY WISH I WOULDA HAD THIS

972
00:25:19,466 --> 00:25:20,433
CORVETTE.

973
00:25:20,500 --> 00:25:21,333
I WOULDA MADE IT ON TIME.

974
00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:24,366
[TIRES SCREECH]

975
00:25:24,433 --> 00:25:26,433
>> John: WOW.

976
00:25:26,500 --> 00:25:28,100
THAT COMMERCIAL RAISES A

977
00:25:28,166 --> 00:25:32,000
THOUSAND QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

978
00:25:32,066 --> 00:25:32,766
EXACTLY NONE OF THEM.

979
00:25:32,833 --> 00:25:33,433
HOW DID THUG NASTY RIP HIS

980
00:25:33,500 --> 00:25:34,466
TESTICLES OPEN WITH A DRILL?

981
00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:35,133
WHY DID HE HAVE A DRILL NEAR HIS

982
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:36,266
TESTICLES IN THE FIRST PLACE?

983
00:25:36,333 --> 00:25:37,266
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, WHAT DOES

984
00:25:37,333 --> 00:25:38,200
HE MEAN, HE "DIDN'T MAKE IT TO

985
00:25:38,266 --> 00:25:40,000
THE HOSPITAL ON TIME"?

986
00:25:40,066 --> 00:25:41,033
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

987
00:25:41,100 --> 00:25:42,300
I DON'T WANT OR NEED ANY MORE

988
00:25:42,366 --> 00:25:43,000
CONTEXT.

989
00:25:43,066 --> 00:25:45,600
THE BEAUTY IS IN THE MYSTERY.

990
00:25:45,666 --> 00:25:46,566
THE MYSTERY OF BRYCE'S

991
00:25:46,633 --> 00:25:49,133
SELF-DRILLED SCROTUM.

992
00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:51,300
THE POINT IS, THERE'S A REAL

993
00:25:51,366 --> 00:25:52,700
CHARM IN THE ECCENTRICITY OF CAR

994
00:25:52,766 --> 00:25:56,033
DEALERSHIP ADS, BECAUSE THEY CAN

995
00:25:56,100 --> 00:25:56,933
BE A TOTAL LAW UNTO

996
00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:57,366
THEMSELVES.

997
00:25:57,433 --> 00:25:58,266
BUT RECENTLY WE DISCOVERED

998
00:25:58,333 --> 00:25:59,033
SOMETHING SURPRISING.

999
00:25:59,100 --> 00:25:59,833
AND IT ALL STARTED WITH THIS

1000
00:25:59,900 --> 00:26:03,266
COMMERCIAL:

1001
00:26:03,333 --> 00:26:04,266
>> I'M IN A PICKLE!

1002
00:26:04,333 --> 00:26:06,000
MY DOCTOR TOLD ME TO CALM DOWN

1003
00:26:06,066 --> 00:26:07,666
BEFORE MY HEART EXPLODES!

1004
00:26:07,733 --> 00:26:09,100
THE ONLY WAY FOR ME TO CALM DOWN

1005
00:26:09,166 --> 00:26:10,733
IS TO HELP YOU GET A NICER,

1006
00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:12,433
NEWER CAR.

1007
00:26:12,500 --> 00:26:13,833
>> John: OKAY.

1008
00:26:13,900 --> 00:26:17,000
I DON'T MIND THAT.

1009
00:26:17,066 --> 00:26:17,600
A GUY DRESSED AS A PICKLE NEXT

1010
00:26:17,666 --> 00:26:18,833
TO AN UNCLE SAM WHO LOOKS LIKE

1011
00:26:18,900 --> 00:26:19,566
MARK CUBAN SEEMING TO THREATEN

1012
00:26:19,633 --> 00:26:20,433
THAT IF YOU DON'T BUY A CAR FROM

1013
00:26:20,500 --> 00:26:23,400
HIM, HE'S GOING TO DIE.

1014
00:26:23,466 --> 00:26:24,100
I ACTUALLY LIKE IT.

1015
00:26:24,166 --> 00:26:25,100
THAT'S SOME FUN LOCAL WEIRDNESS

1016
00:26:25,166 --> 00:26:26,300
FROM WINSTON-SALEM, NORTH

1017
00:26:26,366 --> 00:26:27,433
CAROLINA, YOU'RE JUST NOT GOING

1018
00:26:27,500 --> 00:26:28,500
TO GET ANYWHERE ELSE, RIGHT?

1019
00:26:28,566 --> 00:26:29,600
WELL, IT TURNS OUT, WRONG.

1020
00:26:29,666 --> 00:26:31,900
BECAUSE WATCH THIS:

1021
00:26:31,966 --> 00:26:33,666
>> HEY, YOU KNOW ME.

1022
00:26:33,733 --> 00:26:34,400
SCOTT ELDER FROM ELDER

1023
00:26:34,466 --> 00:26:35,100
MITSUBISHI.

1024
00:26:35,166 --> 00:26:36,166
I'M IN A PICKLE.

1025
00:26:36,233 --> 00:26:37,100
MY DOCTOR TOLD ME TO TURN IT

1026
00:26:37,166 --> 00:26:39,833
DOWN A NOTCH BEFORE MY HEART

1027
00:26:39,900 --> 00:26:40,833
EXPLODES!

1028
00:26:40,900 --> 00:26:41,933
>> SCOTT LEHMAN HERE FROM

1029
00:26:42,033 --> 00:26:42,800
PREMIER AUTO CENTER, AND I'M IN

1030
00:26:42,866 --> 00:26:44,566
A PICKLE!

1031
00:26:44,633 --> 00:26:46,166
MY DOCTOR TOLD ME TO CALM DOWN

1032
00:26:46,233 --> 00:26:48,200
BEFORE MY HEART EXPLODES!

1033
00:26:48,266 --> 00:26:49,133
>> HEY, FRED GROTE HERE FROM

1034
00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:50,200
GROTE AUTOMOTIVE.

1035
00:26:50,266 --> 00:26:51,400
DOCTOR TOLD ME I NEED TO TURN IT

1036
00:26:51,466 --> 00:26:52,300
DOWN A NOTCH SO MY HEART DOESN'T

1037
00:26:52,366 --> 00:26:52,966
EXPLODE.

1038
00:26:53,033 --> 00:26:54,566
>> STEVE JOHNSON HERE FROM

1039
00:26:54,633 --> 00:26:57,866
ZUMBROTA FORD.

1040
00:26:57,933 --> 00:26:59,000
MY DOCTOR TOLD ME TO TURN

1041
00:26:59,066 --> 00:26:59,733
IT DOWN A NOTCH SO MY HEART

1042
00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:00,066
DOESN'T EXPLODE.

1043
00:27:00,133 --> 00:27:00,766
>> HELP!

1044
00:27:00,833 --> 00:27:01,466
I'M IN A PICKLE!

1045
00:27:01,533 --> 00:27:02,700
>> BUT DAD, YOUR DOCTOR TOLD YOU

1046
00:27:02,766 --> 00:27:03,933
TO CALM DOWN BEFORE YOUR HEART

1047
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:04,500
EXPLODES!

1048
00:27:04,566 --> 00:27:05,133
>> John: WOW.

1049
00:27:05,200 --> 00:27:06,033
THAT IS STRIKING.

1050
00:27:06,100 --> 00:27:07,233
USUALLY WHEN YOU SEE THAT MANY

1051
00:27:07,300 --> 00:27:09,133
SCREAMING WHITE GUYS IN PICKLE

1052
00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:11,100
COSTUMES, THEY'RE YELLING

1053
00:27:11,166 --> 00:27:12,433
"RICK AND MORTY" QUOTES AT ANY

1054
00:27:12,500 --> 00:27:13,566
WOMAN IN THEIR IMMEDIATE

1055
00:27:13,633 --> 00:27:14,200
VICINITY AND COMPLETELY RUINING

1056
00:27:14,266 --> 00:27:14,533
COMIC-CON.

1057
00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:15,966
IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT IS

1058
00:27:16,033 --> 00:27:16,966
GOING ON THERE, AS BEST WE CAN

1059
00:27:17,033 --> 00:27:17,733
TELL, ALL THOSE DEALERSHIPS HAVE

1060
00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:20,333
WORKED WITH A MARKETING FIRM

1061
00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:21,333
CALLED GRAVITATIONAL MARKETING,

1062
00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:23,133
BASED -- OBVIOUSLY -- IN

1063
00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:24,233
FLORIDA, WHICH SEEMS TO CHURN

1064
00:27:24,300 --> 00:27:25,566
OUT SCRIPTS FOR A BUNCH OF LOCAL

1065
00:27:25,633 --> 00:27:27,266
CAR DEALERS, EXPLAINING WHY YOU

1066
00:27:27,333 --> 00:27:29,033
CAN FIND SO MANY ADS IN

1067
00:27:29,100 --> 00:27:29,900
DIFFERENT PLACES THAT ARE

1068
00:27:29,966 --> 00:27:32,966
BASICALLY EXACTLY THE SAME.

1069
00:27:33,033 --> 00:27:35,100
WE FOUND MULTIPLE HULK HOGANS IN

1070
00:27:35,166 --> 00:27:36,600
EERILY SIMILAR WRESTLING-THEMED

1071
00:27:36,666 --> 00:27:39,100
ADS AND MULTIPLE BUNNIES IN

1072
00:27:39,166 --> 00:27:43,300
IDENTICAL EASTER COMMERCIALS AND

1073
00:27:43,366 --> 00:27:44,200
THEN WE FOUND WHATEVER THE FUCK

1074
00:27:44,266 --> 00:27:44,633
THIS IS:

1075
00:27:44,700 --> 00:27:45,200
>> IT'S JOHN HERE FROM BLUE

1076
00:27:45,266 --> 00:27:45,766
RIDGE.

1077
00:27:45,833 --> 00:27:46,500
I'M IN THE DOGHOUSE.

1078
00:27:46,566 --> 00:27:47,166
I NEED CARS!

1079
00:27:47,233 --> 00:27:48,200
>> HEY, IT'S MIKE GUIZAR, AND

1080
00:27:48,266 --> 00:27:49,700
I'M IN THE DOGHOUSE.

1081
00:27:49,766 --> 00:27:50,600
>> I NEED CARS!

1082
00:27:50,666 --> 00:27:51,433
>> HEY, IT'S JACK FROST, AND I'M

1083
00:27:51,500 --> 00:27:52,600
IN THE DOGHOUSE.

1084
00:27:52,666 --> 00:27:53,833
I NEED CARS!

1085
00:27:53,900 --> 00:27:55,300
>> WE'RE IN THE DOGHOUSE AND WE

1086
00:27:55,366 --> 00:27:56,966
NEED CARS!

1087
00:27:57,033 --> 00:27:59,066
>> John: WHAT IS THAT?

1088
00:27:59,133 --> 00:28:00,500
WHAT'S THE CONCEPT THERE?

1089
00:28:00,566 --> 00:28:02,000
DO THESE CAR DEALERS REALLY

1090
00:28:02,066 --> 00:28:03,900
THINK THAT SCRIPTS THAT BAD ARE

1091
00:28:03,966 --> 00:28:04,666
WORTH OUTSOURCING?

1092
00:28:04,733 --> 00:28:06,033
"WE'RE IN THE DOGHOUSE AND WE

1093
00:28:06,100 --> 00:28:07,233
NEED CARS"?

1094
00:28:07,300 --> 00:28:08,866
DON DRAPER WOULD PUT HIS

1095
00:28:08,933 --> 00:28:10,600
CIGARETTE OUT ON YOUR FOREHEAD

1096
00:28:10,666 --> 00:28:11,833
IF YOU PITCHED A LINE LIKE THAT.

1097
00:28:11,900 --> 00:28:13,166
BUT I WILL SAY, ONCE YOU START

1098
00:28:13,233 --> 00:28:15,066
GOING DOWN THIS RABBIT HOLE,

1099
00:28:15,133 --> 00:28:16,200
IT'S KIND OF FASCINATING TO SEE

1100
00:28:16,266 --> 00:28:17,466
THE DIFFERENT PERFORMANCE

1101
00:28:17,533 --> 00:28:18,566
CHOICES DEALERS MAKE WITH THE

1102
00:28:18,633 --> 00:28:19,466
SAME AD.

1103
00:28:19,533 --> 00:28:20,766
TAKE THIS ONE, THEMED FOR

1104
00:28:20,833 --> 00:28:22,333
AUTUMN:

1105
00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:24,600
>> GUTENTAG, COASTAL BEND.

1106
00:28:24,666 --> 00:28:25,266
I'M RUNNING OUT OF YEAR.

1107
00:28:25,333 --> 00:28:26,666
>> ZUM WOHL!

1108
00:28:26,733 --> 00:28:28,366
>> I'VE GOT TO LIVEN UP MY SALES

1109
00:28:28,433 --> 00:28:29,466
SO I'M GIVING YOU THOUSANDS OFF

1110
00:28:29,533 --> 00:28:30,900
A NICER, NEWER CAR WITH MY

1111
00:28:30,966 --> 00:28:32,466
LIFETIME WARRANTY DURING MY

1112
00:28:32,533 --> 00:28:34,566
CAR-TOBERFEST.

1113
00:28:34,633 --> 00:28:35,700
PAST CREDIT MISHAPS MAKING YOU

1114
00:28:35,766 --> 00:28:37,366
FEEL LIKE A WEINER?

1115
00:28:37,433 --> 00:28:38,733
MY "FOR THE PEOPLE EVERYBODY

1116
00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:42,966
DRIVES" CREDIT APPROVAL PROCESS

1117
00:28:43,033 --> 00:28:43,466
HELPS GET YOU APPROVED.

1118
00:28:43,533 --> 00:28:44,233
>> John: OKAY, YOU GET THE

1119
00:28:44,300 --> 00:28:45,033
CONCEPT.

1120
00:28:45,100 --> 00:28:46,066
CAR-TOBERFEST.

1121
00:28:46,133 --> 00:28:47,100
AND TOMMY GARDNER'S GIVING YOU A

1122
00:28:47,166 --> 00:28:49,800
DECENT LINE READING THERE.

1123
00:28:49,866 --> 00:28:51,533
SORT OF A MERYL STREEP IN

1124
00:28:51,600 --> 00:28:53,000
"THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA" ENERGY,

1125
00:28:53,066 --> 00:28:53,633
A "LESS IS MORE" KIND OF THING.

1126
00:28:53,700 --> 00:28:54,300
TOMMY KNOWS THE COSTUMES, MUSIC,

1127
00:28:54,366 --> 00:28:54,933
AND CINEMATOGRAPHY ARE WORKING

1128
00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:56,433
WELL, SO HE'S CENTERING THE AD

1129
00:28:56,500 --> 00:28:57,866
WITH AN UNDERSTATED YET

1130
00:28:57,933 --> 00:29:00,733
CONFIDENT PERFORMANCE.

1131
00:29:00,800 --> 00:29:03,566
BUT WITNESS THAT SAME CONCEPT

1132
00:29:03,633 --> 00:29:05,000
CRANKED UP AROUND 25 NOTCHES:

1133
00:29:05,066 --> 00:29:07,400
>> GUTENTAG, EAST TENNESSEE!

1134
00:29:07,466 --> 00:29:08,500
MY SALES ARE SLUMPING SO LET'S

1135
00:29:08,566 --> 00:29:10,933
GET BUMPING IN MY CAR-TOBERFEST.

1136
00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:12,166
♪ FALL IS HERE, I'M

1137
00:29:12,233 --> 00:29:12,900
RUNNING OUT OF YEAR ♪

1138
00:29:12,966 --> 00:29:16,533
♪ I'M SO STRESSED,

1139
00:29:16,600 --> 00:29:17,333
COME BE MY GUEST ♪

1140
00:29:17,400 --> 00:29:19,000
DON'T BE A WEINER, DRIVE CLEANER

1141
00:29:19,066 --> 00:29:20,266
AND SAVE UP TO $5500 ON A NICER,

1142
00:29:20,333 --> 00:29:21,566
NEWER CAR.

1143
00:29:21,633 --> 00:29:24,633
GUTENTAG!

1144
00:29:24,700 --> 00:29:25,766
>> John: LOOK, THERE'S A LOT I

1145
00:29:25,833 --> 00:29:26,400
COULD SAY ABOUT THAT.

1146
00:29:26,466 --> 00:29:27,400
I COULD SAY IN THE WORDS OF THAT

1147
00:29:27,466 --> 00:29:28,133
MAN'S OBVIOUS IDOL, JIM CARREY,

1148
00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:29,200
SOMEBODY STOP HIM.

1149
00:29:29,266 --> 00:29:30,500
OR I COULD POINT OUT THE ACCENT

1150
00:29:30,566 --> 00:29:31,033
HE'S DOING THERE WOULD BE

1151
00:29:31,100 --> 00:29:31,633
PROBLEMATIC IF IT WERE STILL

1152
00:29:31,700 --> 00:29:32,733
POSSIBLE TO BE RACIST TOWARDS

1153
00:29:32,800 --> 00:29:35,066
GERMANS.

1154
00:29:35,133 --> 00:29:36,466
THAT MAN IS JASON FARRIS OF

1155
00:29:36,533 --> 00:29:37,633
FARRIS MOTOR COMPANY, AND WHEN

1156
00:29:37,700 --> 00:29:39,300
YOU LOOK AT WHAT HE'S DONE WITH

1157
00:29:39,366 --> 00:29:40,433
THESE PRO FORMA SCRIPTS, YOU SEE

1158
00:29:40,500 --> 00:29:43,033
THAT HE ROUTINELY MAKES SOME

1159
00:29:43,100 --> 00:29:44,266
CAPITAL "C" CHOICES, BUT PERHAPS

1160
00:29:44,333 --> 00:29:45,800
NONE AS BOLD AS WHEN HE GOT A

1161
00:29:45,866 --> 00:29:47,100
STOCK INDEPENDENCE DAY SCRIPT

1162
00:29:47,166 --> 00:29:49,800
AND DID THIS:

1163
00:29:49,866 --> 00:29:51,033
>> TODAY I'M PLEDGING ALLEGIANCE

1164
00:29:51,100 --> 00:29:52,900
TO THE RED, WHITE, AND YOU IN A

1165
00:29:52,966 --> 00:29:53,833
NICER, NEWER CAR.

1166
00:29:53,900 --> 00:29:55,800
BE A PATRIOT TODAY AND DECLARE

1167
00:29:55,866 --> 00:29:57,566
INDEPENDENCE FROM YOUR OLD RIDE

1168
00:29:57,633 --> 00:29:59,533
FOR JUST $7 DOWN.

1169
00:29:59,600 --> 00:30:00,900
BUT HURRY -- LIKE ISIS, THIS

1170
00:30:00,966 --> 00:30:02,766
DEAL WON'T BE AROUND LONG.

1171
00:30:02,833 --> 00:30:05,900
>> John: NO, JASON!

1172
00:30:05,966 --> 00:30:07,433
THAT IS A NO FROM ME!

1173
00:30:07,500 --> 00:30:08,566
WE WATCHED A NUMBER OF THOSE

1174
00:30:08,633 --> 00:30:09,533
INDEPENDENCE DAY COMMERCIALS AND

1175
00:30:09,600 --> 00:30:10,566
GUESS WHICH LINE WASN'T IN ANY

1176
00:30:10,633 --> 00:30:12,566
OF THE OTHER SCRIPTS?

1177
00:30:12,633 --> 00:30:13,466
YEP.

1178
00:30:13,533 --> 00:30:15,633
IT'S THE ONE YOU'RE THINKING OF.

1179
00:30:15,700 --> 00:30:17,033
BUT THE PROBLEM HERE IS THAT --

1180
00:30:17,100 --> 00:30:18,466
EVEN WHEN THEY'RE NOT CASUALLY

1181
00:30:18,533 --> 00:30:19,766
ISLAMOPHOBIC -- IT RUINS THE

1182
00:30:19,833 --> 00:30:22,166
MAGIC OF THESE WEIRD LOCAL ADS

1183
00:30:22,233 --> 00:30:23,366
TO LEARN THAT MANY ARE JUST

1184
00:30:23,433 --> 00:30:26,066
SCRIPTS SOMEONE BOUGHT.

1185
00:30:26,133 --> 00:30:27,866
THE JOY OF LOCAL CAR COMMERCIALS

1186
00:30:27,933 --> 00:30:28,933
IS WHEN THEY POP UP IN THE

1187
00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:31,333
MIDDLE OF "WHEEL OF FORTUNE" AND

1188
00:30:31,400 --> 00:30:33,133
YOU THINK, "WOW, THIS IS

1189
00:30:33,200 --> 00:30:34,800
COMPLETELY DERANGED, BUT AT

1190
00:30:34,866 --> 00:30:36,200
LEAST OUR LOCAL CAR DEALER IS

1191
00:30:36,266 --> 00:30:36,800
TRYING TO BE CREATIVE.

1192
00:30:36,866 --> 00:30:37,866
AT LEAST WE AS A LOCAL MARKET

1193
00:30:37,933 --> 00:30:39,133
ARE SPECIAL, RIGHT?"

1194
00:30:39,200 --> 00:30:40,833
BUT THAT MIGHT NOT BE THE CASE.

1195
00:30:40,900 --> 00:30:41,733
AND WE NEED TO MAKE SURE THAT IT

1196
00:30:41,800 --> 00:30:43,633
IS.

1197
00:30:43,700 --> 00:30:45,133
WE NEED A RETURN TO THE

1198
00:30:45,200 --> 00:30:46,833
ONE-OF-A-KIND AUTO-DEALER AD

1199
00:30:46,900 --> 00:30:48,100
THAT NO ONE ELSE HAS.

1200
00:30:48,166 --> 00:30:50,000
REMEMBER HOW THRILLING IT WAS TO

1201
00:30:50,066 --> 00:30:51,300
SEE BRYCE "THUG NASTY" MITCHELL

1202
00:30:51,366 --> 00:30:52,366
TALK ABOUT HIS SHATTERED

1203
00:30:52,433 --> 00:30:54,666
SCROTUM?

1204
00:30:54,733 --> 00:30:56,933
I DO.

1205
00:30:57,000 --> 00:30:58,433
I LOVE THAT AD, BUT I DON'T WANT

1206
00:30:58,500 --> 00:30:59,700
TO SEE 15 COPIES OF THAT.

1207
00:30:59,766 --> 00:31:01,466
I WANT BRYCE TO BE A UNICORN.

1208
00:31:01,533 --> 00:31:03,066
LOCAL ADS SHOULD BE UNIQUE AND

1209
00:31:03,133 --> 00:31:07,033
COMPLETELY UNHINGED.

1210
00:31:07,100 --> 00:31:07,633
AND HERE IS WHERE WE MIGHT BE

1211
00:31:07,700 --> 00:31:08,166
ABLE TO HELP.

1212
00:31:08,233 --> 00:31:09,166
BECAUSE WE'VE WRITTEN A SCRIPT.

1213
00:31:09,233 --> 00:31:10,166
AND IT'S GOOD.

1214
00:31:10,233 --> 00:31:11,866
IT'S REALLY GOOD.

1215
00:31:11,933 --> 00:31:13,366
AND WE'RE OFFERING IT TO ONE --

1216
00:31:13,433 --> 00:31:15,033
AND ONLY ONE -- CAR DEALERSHIP

1217
00:31:15,100 --> 00:31:17,000
TO USE IN A COMMERCIAL FOR FREE,

1218
00:31:17,066 --> 00:31:18,500
SO LONG AS THEY AGREE TO SOME

1219
00:31:18,566 --> 00:31:19,933
SIMPLE TERMS.

1220
00:31:20,000 --> 00:31:21,900
THE MAIN ONE BEING, YOU HAVE TO

1221
00:31:21,966 --> 00:31:23,133
AGREE TO PRODUCE THIS EXACTLY AS

1222
00:31:23,200 --> 00:31:25,466
IT'S WRITTEN.

1223
00:31:25,533 --> 00:31:28,166
AND YOU CAN'T READ IT BEFORE YOU

1224
00:31:28,233 --> 00:31:28,366
AGREE.

1225
00:31:28,433 --> 00:31:29,233
WE PROMISE THERE'S NO CURSING,

1226
00:31:29,300 --> 00:31:31,400
BLASPHEMY, OR NUDITY IN HERE.

1227
00:31:31,466 --> 00:31:32,833
IT'LL PASS BROADCAST STANDARDS

1228
00:31:32,900 --> 00:31:34,766
IN YOUR AREA AND CAN BE PRODUCED

1229
00:31:34,833 --> 00:31:35,600
AS CHEAPLY AS ANYTHING YOU'VE

1230
00:31:35,666 --> 00:31:38,700
SEEN TONIGHT.

1231
00:31:38,766 --> 00:31:39,466
NOW, WILL THIS SCRIPT SHOW YOUR

1232
00:31:39,533 --> 00:31:41,033
DEALERSHIP IN A GOOD LIGHT?

1233
00:31:41,100 --> 00:31:42,333
THAT'S FOR YOU TO FIND OUT AFTER

1234
00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:44,733
YOU SIGN THIS CONTRACT AND AGREE

1235
00:31:44,800 --> 00:31:46,633
TO PRODUCE AND AIR THE AD SIGHT

1236
00:31:46,700 --> 00:31:48,700
UNSEEN.

1237
00:31:48,766 --> 00:31:50,866
SO WHO'S INTERESTED?

1238
00:31:50,933 --> 00:31:51,733
WHAT DO YOU SAY, SCOTT ELDER OF

1239
00:31:51,800 --> 00:31:52,800
CEDAR PARK?

1240
00:31:52,866 --> 00:31:54,233
FRED GROTE OF FORT WAYNE?

1241
00:31:54,300 --> 00:31:55,533
SCOTT LEHMAN OF ARIZONA?

1242
00:31:55,600 --> 00:31:57,100
IF YOU GUYS --

1243
00:31:57,166 --> 00:31:58,366
OR, INDEED, ANY LOCAL

1244
00:31:58,433 --> 00:31:59,733
CAR DEALERSHIP OUT THERE --

1245
00:31:59,800 --> 00:32:01,666
WANT TO TAKE US UP ON THIS

1246
00:32:01,733 --> 00:32:03,033
ONE-TIME OFFER, YOU CAN

1247
00:32:03,100 --> 00:32:04,300
REACH US AT

1248
00:32:04,366 --> 00:32:05,733
FreeCarCommercial@

1249
00:32:05,800 --> 00:32:06,900
JohnOliverWants

1250
00:32:06,966 --> 00:32:08,966
YourRatErotica.com.

1251
00:32:09,033 --> 00:32:10,366
COME ON, DEALERS.

1252
00:32:10,433 --> 00:32:11,633
YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO ROLL THE

1253
00:32:11,700 --> 00:32:12,266
DICE HERE.

1254
00:32:12,333 --> 00:32:13,133
LET US GET YOU INTO A NICER,

1255
00:32:13,200 --> 00:32:14,466
NEWER COMMERCIAL TODAY.

1256
00:32:14,533 --> 00:32:15,200
THAT'S OUR SHOW.

1257
00:32:15,266 --> 00:32:20,900
THANKS SO MUCH FOR WATCHING --

1258
00:32:20,966 --> 00:32:22,133
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK, GOOD NIGHT.

1259
00:32:22,200 --> 00:32:26,000
♪ ♪