♪ ♪
>> John: HI THERE!
WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
STILL COMING TO YOU FROM THIS
BLANK VOID.
WE WERE OFF LAST WEEK,
BUT INTERESTINGLY, IT SEEMS
THE VOID WASN'T, BECAUSE
"MORTAL KOMBAT" WAS RELEASED
LAST WEEKEND, AND APPARENTLY,
THIS HAPPENS:
[LIGHTNING BOLTS STRIKE]
>> WHERE ARE WE?
>> WE ARE IN THE VOID.
IT IS THE REALM BETWEEN YOUR
WORLD AND MINE.
>> John: WHAT THE FUCK?
THE VOID IS TAKING OTHER JOBS
NOW?
ALTHOUGH IT'S CLEARLY BEEN
THE BREAKOUT CHARACTER OF
THIS SHOW IN THE LAST YEAR,
SO I SHOULDN'T REALLY BE
SURPRISED IT'S DOING CAMEOS
ELSEWHERE ON HBO MAX.
IT IS SO WHITE AND DEPRESSING,
I GENUINELY CONFUSED IT FOR
"MARE OF EASTTOWN."
LOOK, IT'S BEEN ANOTHER
CRAZY WEEK, FROM BIDEN MAKING
HIS FIRST ADDRESS TO CONGRESS,
TO THE NEWS THAT BORIS JOHNSON'S
PHONE NUMBER HAS SOMEHOW BEEN
AVAILABLE ONLINE FOR THE PAST
15 YEARS, TO RUDY GIULIANI'S
HOME BEING RAIDED BY THE FBI.
AN EVENT I'M HONESTLY SURPRISED
HE DIDN'T ACCIDENTALLY STREAM
LIVE ON TWITCH BY SITTING
ON HIS PHONE.
BUT WE'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO DIVE
STRAIGHT IN WITH OUR MAIN STORY
TONIGHT, WHICH CONCERNS
THE COVID VACCINES.
THE END RESULT OF THE WORLD'S
GREATEST SCIENTISTS WORKING
AROUND THE CLOCK TO SAVE
COUNTLESS LIVES, IMMORTALIZED
IN A CARD WE'LL ALL DEFINITELY
LOSE IN A MONTH.
VITALLY IMPORTANT, BUT ALSO
TOO BIG TO FIT IN ANY STANDARD
WALLET?
WAY TO FUMBLE AT THE ONE YARD
LINE, SCIENCE.
AND NOT THAT WE NEEDED IT,
BUT THIS WEEK SAW YET ANOTHER
REMINDER OF JUST HOW DANGEROUS
COVID IS, WITH CASES IN INDIA
IN PARTICULAR SURGING AT
A TRULY TERRIFYING RATE.
INDIA SET A WORLD RECORD
FOR DAILY COVID CASES OF
OVER 400,000, AND THAT IS
PROBABLY AN UNDERCOUNT.
AND OBVIOUSLY, THE WORLD
SHOULD BE DOING EVERYTHING
IT CAN TO HELP INDIA RIGHT NOW.
BUT OUR BEST WAY OUT OF THIS
MESS, LONG-TERM, IS CLEARLY
VACCINES.
AND IT'S WORTH REMEMBERING,
WE IN THE U.S. ARE INCREDIBLY
FORTUNATE -- WE CURRENTLY HAVE
ACCESS TO A LOT OF VACCINES,
AND MORE THAN HALF OF
U.S. ADULTS HAVE NOW GOTTEN
AT LEAST ONE DOSE,
WHICH IS GREAT.
THE BAD NEWS IS, SOME
VACCINATION LOCATIONS HAVE
ALREADY GONE FROM HAVING
NOT ENOUGH SUPPLY TO
NOT ENOUGH DEMAND.
>> ACCORDING TO THE CDC,
THE DAILY AVERAGE FOR
VACCINATIONS HAS DROPPED 20%
SINCE THE START OF THE MONTH.
A WORRYING TREND.
>> VACCINE DEMAND DECLINING IN
SOUTH CAROLINA, SOME PROVIDERS
LEFT WITH EXTRA DOSES AND
APPOINTMENTS WIDE OPEN.
>> PALM BEACH COUNTY HEALTHCARE
DISTRICT SAYS IT IS NOW FACING
10,000 APPOINTMENTS FOR THE
COUNTY'S VACCINE SITES REMAIN
UNFILLED SINCE THEY OPENED
THIS WEEK.
>> APPOINTMENTS ARE GOING
UNFILLED.
WE'VE GOT THOUSANDS OF
APPOINTMENTS AVAILABLE OVER
THE NEXT FEW WEEKS AND -- AND
NO TAKERS AT THIS POINT.
>> John: IT'S TRUE.
A WORRYING AMOUNT
OF PEOPLE ARE HOLDING OFF ON
GETTING THE FREE COVID VACCINE.
AND I'M NOT SAYING YOU SHOULD
IMMEDIATELY GET SOMETHING JUST
BECAUSE IT'S FREE.
I WOULDN'T RECOMMEND GETTING
THESE OLD DOLLS ON CRAIGSLIST
JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE FREE.
THEY'RE WEIRD, BROKEN, AND
WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.
BUT THESE VACCINES COULD SAVE
NOT JUST YOUR LIFE, BUT THE
LIVES OF PEOPLE AROUND YOU.
AND IT'S GENUINELY DISPIRITING
THAT JUST A FEW MONTHS INTO
THE VACCINE ROLLOUT,
WE'RE ALREADY AT THIS POINT.
AND THE PROBLEM IS, FOR THE
CORONAVIRUS, THE "HERD IMMUNITY
THRESHOLD" IS THOUGHT TO BE
BETWEEN 70 AND 90% OF THE
POPULATION.
BUT A SURVEY FOUND THAT WHILE
60% OF AMERICAN ADULTS HAVE GOT,
OR WANT TO GET, THE VACCINE,
ANOTHER 18% SAY "MAYBE," AND 22%
SAY "NO."
AND IF YOU'RE THINKING,
"WELL, IF EVERY "MAYBE" GETS
THE VACCINE, THAT PUTS US AT
78%!"
UNFORTUNATELY, THAT POLL DOESN'T
TAKE INTO ACCOUNT CHILDREN, WHO
WE'RE NOT VACCINATING RIGHT NOW,
AND WHO MAKE UP AROUND 22%
OF THE POPULATION.
SO WE NEED TO GET THE VACCINE
IN AS MANY ADULTS AS POSSIBLE,
AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
AND THAT MEANS YOU REALLY NEED
TO GET VACCINATED.
AND OBVIOUSLY, I MEAN
THE COLLECTIVE "YOU," BUT ALSO
YOU, MIKE.
MIKE IN BALTIMORE.
I KNOW YOU'VE GOT THIS ON IN
THE BACKGROUND AT WORK
ON MONDAY, SO LISTEN TO ME.
SCHEDULE YOUR VACCINE, MIKE.
DON'T SAY YOU'RE GONNA
"LOOK INTO IT LATER."
JUST GOOGLE "VACCINE FINDER
BALTIMORE," IT TAKES SECONDS.
HERE ARE A LIST OF VACCINE SITES
IN YOUR AREA.
AND IF YOU'RE THINKING,
"EHH, I'M NOT SURE I NEED IT,
JOE ROGAN SAYS I'M PROBABLY
FINE."
LOOK, IT'S TRUE, YOU MIGHT NOT
GET SERIOUSLY SICK FROM COVID --
OR SICK AT ALL -- YOU COULD
STILL INADVERTENTLY PASS IT TO
SOMEONE, WHO COULD THEN DIE.
AND BEFORE YOU SAY, "WELL,
VULNERABLE PEOPLE SHOULD JUST
GET VACCINATED, THEN" -- THE
VACCINES ARE ONLY 95% EFFECTIVE,
MIKE.
SO THEY'LL PROBABLY BE OKAY,
BUT MAYBE NOT.
ALSO, THE MORE THE VIRUS
CIRCULATES, THE LIKELIER WE'LL
SEE MUTATIONS THAT MAKE IT MORE
DANGEROUS, POSSIBLY HELPING IT
TO EVADE THE VACCINE COMPLETELY,
PUTTING US BACK AT SQUARE ONE.
SO GET THE FUCKING VACCINE,
MIKE!
THE POINT IS, THERE IS
A PROBLEMATIC AMOUNT OF
VACCINE HESITANCY RIGHT NOW,
EVEN AMONG PEOPLE WHO YOU'D
REALLY LIKE TO THINK WOULD NOT
NEED CONVINCING.
>> WE MET ROBERT GANNON BEFORE
HE WENT IN TO VISIT HIS
77-YEAR-OLD MOTHER, KIYA, WHO
WAS ON A VENTILATOR RIGHT NOW IN
THE ICU DUE TO COVID.
>> HAD SHE BEEN VACCINATED?
>> SHE WAS NOT VACCINATED.
I THINK SHE WAS BEING HESITANT,
JUST WANTING TO SEE HOW THINGS
PLAYED OUT.
>> HAVE YOU BEEN VACCINATED?
>> I HAVE NOT.
>> WHAT WOULD IT TAKE FOR YOU TO
GET VACCINATED?
>> MMM...
I'D WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT IT'S
SAFE.
>> John: WOW.
THERE IS PERHAPS NO CLEARER SIGN
OF JUST HOW DEEP VACCINE
HESITANCY RUNS THAN SOMEONE
IN THAT GUY'S POSITION STILL
QUESTIONING WHETHER TO GET IT.
INSTEAD OF ASKING, "IS THERE
SUCH A THING AS TOO MUCH
VACCINE?
BECAUSE IF NOT, I'M GOING BACK
FOR INJECTIONS UNTIL I'M AROUND
80% PFIZER."
SO GIVEN ALL OF THAT, TONIGHT,
LET'S TALK ABOUT THE COVID
VACCINES -- WHY PEOPLE ARE
HESITANT, WHAT THEIR WORRIES
ARE, AND HOW THEY MIGHT BE
REASSURED.
AND LET'S START WITH THE FACT
YOU CAN'T CHARACTERIZE ANY ONE
GROUP AS UNIFORMLY
VACCINE-HESITANT.
NO DEMOGRAPHIC IS A MONOLITH.
EVERY GROUP WILL HAVE SOME WHO
ARE EXCITED, AND OTHERS WHO ARE
ANXIOUS.
AND DIFFERENT GROUPS WILL BE
ANXIOUS FOR DIFFERENT REASONS.
FOR INSTANCE, EARLY ON,
YOU PROBABLY HEARD A LOT ABOUT
HESITANCY AMONG SOME
BLACK AMERICANS.
WHICH CAN BE A REAL THING --
EVEN THIS PEDIATRICIAN HAD
RESERVATIONS.
>> WHEN THE VACCINE WAS FIRST
MADE AVAILABLE TO BOTH OF YOU,
DID YOU BOTH JUMP AT THE CHANCE
TO GET IT?
>> NO.
NO.
I MEAN, NOT ME ANYWAY.
I AM BLACK FIRST IN THIS
COUNTRY, AND THAT HAS WITH IT
A LOT OF BAGGAGE, TO TELL YOU
THE TRUTH.
AND SO, TO MY PUBLIC HEALTH
DEGREE, THE CULMINATING
EXPERIENCE THAT I DID WAS
RELATED TO THE RELATIONSHIP
BETWEEN BLACK PEOPLE AND
PHYSICIANS.
AND THAT RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN
A CANTANKEROUS ONE.
AND SO THOSE ARE THE KINDS OF
THINGS THAT ARE DEEPLY EMBEDDED
AND CHALLENGING TO OVERCOME,
EVEN WITHIN SOMEONE WHO'S
A SCIENTIST.
>> John: HONESTLY, I DO
UNDERSTAND THAT.
WE'VE TALKED BEFORE ABOUT
THE FRAUGHT RELATIONSHIP
BLACK AMERICANS HAVE WITH
HEALTH CARE, BASED ON BOTH
CURRENT BAD EXPERIENCES,
AND THE HISTORY OF INCIDENTS
LIKE THE TUSKEGEE EXPERIMENT,
WHERE DOCTORS LIED TO BLACK MEN,
ALLOWING THEM TO SUFFER FROM
UNTREATED SYPHILIS OVER DECADES.
OR, AS MOST U.S. HISTORY
STUDENTS WOULD DESCRIBE IT:
"SOMETHING I HAVE NOT HEARD OF."
ALTHOUGH IT FEELS IMPORTANT TO
MENTION THAT THAT DOCTOR DID
WIND UP GETTING THE VACCINE.
AND, IN GENERAL, BLACK VACCINE
HESITANCY HAS DROPPED FAST.
ANOTHER GROUP YOU MIGHT HAVE
HEARD HAVE HIGH HESITANCY RATES
ARE REPUBLICANS, AND THAT'S
ALSO TRUE.
AROUND 30% OF REPUBLICANS SAY
THEY WON'T GET IT.
AND IT'S NOT HARD TO SEE WHY --
FEARS AND DOUBTS ABOUT THE
VACCINE HAVE FLOWN AROUND
CONSERVATIVE MEDIA, WITH ONE OF
THE MOST PROMINENT
SUPERSPREADERS BEING THIS GUY.
>> WHAT ABOUT THIS VACCINE?
WHY ARE AMERICANS BEING
DISCOURAGED FROM ASKING SIMPLE,
STRAIGHTFORWARD QUESTIONS ABOUT
IT?
QUESTIONS LIKE, HOW EFFECTIVE
ARE THESE DRUGS?
ARE THEY SAFE?
DO YOU NEED A REASON TO TURN
DOWN THE VACCINE?
AND WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DO
TURN IT DOWN?
WILL YOU BE ALLOWED TO FLY ON
AIRPLANES?
OR GO TO WORK?
OR ENTER THE FRONT DOORS OF
MADISON SQUARE GARDEN?
OH, NOW THEY'RE TELLING US
THE VACCINE HAS A DELAYED
RESPONSE.
OKAY, DELAYED BY HOW LONG?
THEY DON'T SAY.
IF VACCINES WORK, WHY ARE
VACCINATED PEOPLE STILL BANNED
FROM LIVING NORMAL LIVES?
HONESTLY, WHAT'S THE ANSWER TO
THAT?
SO MAYBE IT DOESN'T WORK AND
THEY'RE SIMPLY NOT TELLING YOU
THAT.
WELL, YOU HATE TO THINK THAT,
ESPECIALLY IF YOU'VE GOTTEN
TWO SHOTS, BUT WHAT'S THE OTHER
POTENTIAL EXPLANATION?
>> John: OKAY, IT'S GENUINELY
WEIRD TO SEE SOMEONE HOSTING A
SHOW ON A SUPPOSED NEWS NETWORK,
AND ENDING EVERY SENTENCE WITH
A QUESTION MARK.
ESPECIALLY WHEN ANSWERS TO MOST
OF THOSE QUESTIONS ARE OUT THERE
FOR ANYONE WHO CARES TO KNOW.
SO, FOR INSTANCE, THAT LAST
COMPLAINT THAT THE CDC STILL
RECOMMENDS WEARING MASKS INDOORS
WHEN AROUND VULNERABLE
UNVACCINATED PEOPLE DOES NOT
MEAN THE VACCINE DOESN'T WORK.
CLINICAL TRIALS FOUND THAT
VACCINES ARE SPECTACULARLY
SUCCESSFUL AT PREVENTING PEOPLE
FROM GETTING SERIOUS DISEASE.
AS FOR WHETHER THEY PROTECT
YOU FROM SPREADING THE VIRUS,
THE TRIALS WEREN'T DESIGNED TO
ASSESS THAT.
BUT EVIDENCE SO FAR INDICATES
THEY DRASTICALLY REDUCE
TRANSMISSION.
THE REASON WE STILL SEE MASK AND
DISTANCING RECOMMENDATIONS IS
THAT THE CDC IS BEING CAUTIOUS,
AND WANTS TO BE SURE IT'S NOT
SPREADING BULLSHIT AROUND
DURING A GLOBAL PANDEMIC
LIKE A FROZEN DINNER DUKE
WITH A TV SHOW.
ANYWAY, I HOPE THAT ANSWERS AT
LEAST ONE OF YOUR GAPE-MOUTHED
BAD-FAITH WONDERINGS, YOU
SCRUNCH-FACED FEAR-BABOON.
AND THE PROBLEM IS, WHEN PEOPLE
LIKE TUCKER "RAISE QUESTIONS"
WITHOUT BOTHERING TO ANSWER
THEM, THERE'S A LOT OF
MISINFORMATION OUT THERE FOR
PEOPLE TO THEN STUMBLE ON.
ANTI-VACCINE GROUPS HAVE BEEN
WAITING FOR A MOMENT LIKE THIS
TO SPREAD DOUBT, AND THE SCARY
THING IS, THEY DON'T ACTUALLY
NEED TO CONVINCE PEOPLE THEY'RE
RIGHT.
THEY JUST NEED TO CONVINCE
PEOPLE THAT NO ONE IS.
AND THAT TRACKS WITH RECENT
POLLING.
WHILE FEW BELIEVE SPECIFIC MYTHS
ABOUT THE VACCINE, LARGER
NUMBERS SAID THEY DIDN'T KNOW
WHETHER PARTICULAR MYTHS WERE
TRUE OR FALSE.
FOR INSTANCE, ONLY 4% OF PEOPLE
BELIEVE THE COVID VACCINE IS
MORE DEADLY THAN THE DISEASE,
BUT 25% SAY THEY DON'T KNOW.
AND THAT IS NOT GOOD.
FLASHBACK
BECAUSE IF ANTI-VAXXERS
CAN SIMPLY SPREAD ENOUGH
MISINFORMATION TO CAUSE PEOPLE
TO THROW UP THEIR HANDS AND SAY,
"I JUST DON'T KNOW ENOUGH TO GET
THE SHOT," THEY'VE ALREADY
SERIOUSLY FUCKED THINGS UP FOR
ALL OF US.
AND TO BE CLEAR, MOST PEOPLE WHO
ARE HESITANT ARE NOT FANATICS OR
CONSPIRACY THEORISTS.
MANY ARE JUST TRYING TO MAKE
THE BEST DECISION FOR THEMSELVES
AND THEIR FAMILY, LIKE THAT
PEDIATRICIAN WE SAW EARLIER.
YOU DEFINITELY KNOW PEOPLE
LIKE THAT IN YOUR LIFE.
SO I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO SPEND
THE REST OF THIS PIECE TRYING TO
CLEAR UP SOME OF THE BIGGEST
MYTHS FLYING AROUND.
AND SOME ARE EASY TO DEBUNK
QUICKLY, LIKE THE CLAIMS THAT
BILL GATES IS USING THE VACCINE
TO PUT A MICROCHIP IN ALL OF US
-- SOMETHING HIS WIFE HAD THIS
RESPONSE TO.
>> I KNOW MY HUSBAND IS NOT
VACCINATING PEOPLE AND PUTTING
A MICROCHIP IN THEIR ARM BECAUSE
THAT TECHNOLOGY DOESN'T EVEN
EXIST AND HE'S NEVER UTTERED
THE WORDS OUT OF HIS MOUTH, SO.
[LAUGHS]
>> John: [LAUGHS]
OKAY.
THAT WASN'T THE REASSURING
PUSHBACK TO A BATSHIT CONSPIRACY
THEORY THAT I'D HOPED FOR.
"WE'RE NOT MICROCHIPPING PEOPLE
BECAUSE THE TECHNOLOGY DOESN'T
EXIST -- YET -- AND MY HUSBAND
HASN'T SAID IT OUT LOUD TO ME."
WHY WOULD YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT?
THERE ARE LOTS OF THINGS
A HUSBAND WON'T SAY OUT LOUD
TO HIS WIFE.
NOT DARK THINGS, JUST THINGS.
QUIET THOUGHTS A PARTNER
MIGHT NOT BE READY TO HEAR.
LIKE HOW, SOMETIMES, LATE AT
NIGHT, I THINK: WOULDN'T IT BE
NICE TO LIVE IN AN EGG?
AN EGG, TO BE IN.
NOT JUST AN OVAL-SHAPED
SLEEPING POD -- I CAN GET AN
OVAL SHAPED SLEEPING POD,
NOBODY WANTS ONE OF THOSE.
I MEAN AN EGG.
A BIG EGG WITH ME IN IT, OR
MAYBE A NORMAL EGG, AND I'M
SMALL, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
WHAT MATTERS IS I'M IN AN EGG.
NOT ALONE.
I'M WITH THE GLOOP, TOO,
IT'S JUST ME AND THE GLOOP.
NO OPENING, NO WINDOWS, NO WAY
TO EVER KNOW IF IT'S MORNING OR
NIGHT, SO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME
IT IS, ALL THE TIME?
EGG TIME.
JUST EGG-TIME FOR ME AND
THE GLOOP.
SOMETIMES IT'S WARMER, AND
THAT'S WHEN I FEEL SAFEST.
SOMETIMES I CAN TELL I'M BEING
CARRIED, OR MOVED ABOUT AND IT'S
JARRING ENOUGH THAT I'M NERVOUS,
BUT NOT SO ROUGH THAT I'M
PANICKING, AND YOU CAN SHAKE ME.
BUT MAKE SURE NOT TO DO IT HARD
BECAUSE, REMEMBER, I'M FRAGILE.
I AM EGG.
THE POINT IS, YOU CAN'T SAY THAT
TO MELINDA GATES, SHE'D NEVER
UNDERSTAND.
WHAT WIFE COULD?
ANYWAY.
FOR THE RECORD, THERE ARE NO
MICROCHIPS IN THE COVID VACCINE.
THAT RUMOR IS BASED ON THE FACT
THE GATES FOUNDATION FUNDED
RESEARCH YEARS AGO, WHICH IS
FREQUENTLY TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT.
IN THAT STUDY, RESEARCHERS
LOOKED INTO CREATING AN
INVISIBLE INK THAT COULD
POTENTIALLY BE INJECTED ALONG
WITH A VACCINE IN ORDER FOR
POPULATIONS LIKE REFUGEE KIDS
TO BE ABLE TO RETAIN VACCINE
RECORDS WITHOUT PAPERWORK.
OVER TIME, THE ORIGINAL CONTEXT
WAS LOST, CONTORTED, AND KIND OF
TELEPHONED ITS WAY INTO BECOMING
"SOMETHING SOMETHING BILL GATES
MICROCHIPS" ON FACEBOOK.
A CLAIM WHICH, IF YOU THINK
ABOUT IT FOR JUST A SECOND,
DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
BECAUSE IF YOUR MAIN CONCERN
IS THAT BILL GATES COULD USE
MICROCHIPS TO TRACK YOU,
HE CAN ALREADY DO THAT!
THAT'S WHAT YOUR FUCKING
PHONE IS!
NOW, ANOTHER, MORE
REASONABLE-SOUNDING, CONCERN HAS
TO DO WITH JUST HOW FAST
THE VACCINE CAME TOGETHER.
>> I WOULDN'T WANT TO GET IT.
I FELT LIKE IT WAS TOO RUSHED.
>> I THINK THE WHOLE THING HAS
BEEN RUSHED THROUGH TOO FAST.
>> IT KIND OF CAME REALLY FAST,
LIKE, THE VACCINE.
THEY MADE UP ONE REALLY FAST.
>> IT WAS DONE WAY TOO QUICK.
I JUST -- I DON'T FEEL
COMFORTABLE WITH TAKING IT,
NOT ANY TIME SOON.
>> I THINK THAT THEY'RE USING
THE -- THE PUBLIC AS
GUINEA PIGS.
>> John: RIGHT, AND THAT DOESN'T
SOUND GOOD.
NO ONE WANTS TO BE A GUINEA PIG.
ALTHOUGH, I DON'T REALLY KNOW
WHY.
BEING A GUINEA PIG SEEMS REALLY
GREAT.
YOU CAN EAT A PEPPER WHILE
WEARING THE STEM AS A LITTLE
HAT.
RUN AROUND A TINY CITY MADE OF
CARDBOARD.
AND BEST OF ALL: YOU GET TO USE
THE "GUINEA PIG BRIDGE."
>> GUINEA PIG BRIDGE!
♪ ♪
GUINEA PIG BRIDGE TRANSPORTING
GUINEA PIGS FROM POINT A TO
POINT B.
UTILIZING THE LATEST GUINEA PIG
BRIDGE TECHNOLOGY --
♪ ♪
>> John: YEAH.
BEING A GUINEA PIG HAS ITS
UPSIDES.
THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.
THE INFRASTRUCTURE ALONE
IS INCREDIBLE.
BUT THAT'S CLEARLY NOT THE
CONCERN THOSE PEOPLE HAVE.
THEIR WORRY IS THAT WE'RE BEING
USED "AS GUINEA PIGS" FOR
A RUSHED, UNTESTED VACCINE.
IT'S AN UNDERSTANDABLE THING
TO WORRY ABOUT, EVEN IF SOME
EXPRESS IT IN LESS-THAN-IDEAL
WAYS.
>> TELL ME WHY YOU'RE CONCERNED.
>> SIX WORDS: TESTING, TESTING,
TESTING, TESTING, AND MORE
TESTING.
IT'S IMPORTANT IF YOU'RE GOING
TO PUT SOMETHING INTO YOUR BODY
THAT IT'S ABSOLUTELY AND TOTALLY
TESTED.
>> John: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
I ADMIRE ABOUT THAT GUY:
HIS CONFIDENCE.
BECAUSE I DON'T THINK I'VE SEEN
ANYONE MORE SELF-ASSURED THAN
THE MAN WHO JUST PROMISED SIX
WORDS, SAID SEVEN, AND COUNTED
FIVE, ALL WITHOUT EVEN
FLINCHING.
THAT GUY IS SO SECURE IN HIS
THINKING, HE CAN BE WRONG ABOUT
NUMBERS ON CAMERA TWICE AND
DO IT WITH A SMILE.
BUT IT'S WORTH UNDERSTANDING
EXACTLY HOW THE VACCINE WAS ABLE
TO COME TO MARKET SO FAST.
BECAUSE RESEARCHERS HAD BEEN
WORKING ON VACCINES AGAINST
OTHER CORONAVIRUSES FOR YEARS.
SO WHEN COVID-19 HIT, THEY HAD
A SIGNIFICANT HEAD START.
"OPERATION WARP SPEED," AS IT
WAS FAMOUSLY CALLED, WASN'T
ABOUT RUSHING THE SCIENCE.
IT WAS ABOUT SIGNIFICANTLY
CUTTING THROUGH BUREAUCRACY
THAT COULD HAVE OTHERWISE SLOWED
IT DOWN, AS THIS VACCINE
RESEARCHER EXPLAINS.
>> DID YOU EVER IMAGINE THAT
WE'D BE ABLE TO DEVELOP A
VACCINE IN 12 TO 18 MONTHS?
>> THE SHORT ANSWER IS NO.
WE'RE ABLE TO COMPRESS THE
TIMELINE, SO THAT THINGS WE
WOULD NORMALLY DO IN A LINEAR
FASHION, A TO B, WE ACTUALLY
START THE F AND THE E
AT THE SAME TIME AS A AND B.
>> John: EXACTLY.
FLASHBACK
THEY TOOK STEPS
THAT USUALLY HAPPEN
SEQUENTIALLY, AND SAVED TIME BY
RUNNING THEM SIMULTANEOUSLY.
AND TO BE HONEST, I'M ENVIOUS OF
THAT LEVEL OF EFFICIENCY.
I'D SAVE SO MUCH TIME EVERY
MORNING IF I COULD SHIT, SHOWER,
SHAVE, EAT BREAKFAST, KISS MY
FAMILY, AND BRUSH MY TEETH
ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
UNFORTUNATELY, I'VE ONLY EVER
MANAGED TO DO THREE OF THEM
AT ONCE.
BUT I'M SO CLOSE TO
THAT FOURTH ONE.
ANOTHER CONCERN YOU MAY HAVE
HEARD OR SEEN ONLINE, IS THAT
THE PFIZER AND MODERNA VACCINES
ARE THE FIRST AUTHORIZED TO USE
MESSENGER RNA.
WHICH IS TRUE.
BUT THAT'S GIVEN RISE TO
SPECULATION ABOUT WHAT mRNA
IS CAPABLE OF DOING.
>> BASICALLY, ANYONE TAKING
THESE VACCINES -- THEY'RE ALL
DESIGNED TO DO THE SAME THING --
IS GOING TO HAVE NEUROLOGICAL
DISORDERS WITHIN ONE YEAR.
MOST OF THE PEOPLE TAKING THE
VACCINE WILL BE DEAD WITHIN 10.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING: YOU
TAKE THE mRNA, IT CREATES PLAQUE
IN YOUR BRAIN AND GIVES
YOU ALZHEIMER'S AND I GOT
THE STUDIES TOO.
SO, HEY!
YOU THINK THEY JUST PUT FLUORIDE
IN THE WATER TO DUMB YOU DOWN?
WHOO!
>> John: MAN, ALEX JONES IS
HAVING A BLAST.
NO ONE ELSE HAS AS MUCH FUN
WHILE MAKING THE WORLD
A WORSE PLACE TO LIVE IN.
IT'S LIKE HE INVENTED A JETPACK
THAT SPRAYS EVERYONE BENEATH HIM
WITH HUMAN SHIT.
BUT THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO
EVIDENCE OR CREDIBLE STUDIES
SUPPORTING ANY OF WHAT HE JUST
SAID.
AS FOR THE CLAIM THAT mRNA
VACCINES MODIFY YOUR DNA, IT IS
VERY IMPORTANT TO KNOW THAT
THE VACCINE'S mRNA DOES NOT
ENTER OUR GENOME.
IT DOES ITS WORK FAR FROM THE
CELL'S NUCLEUS, WHICH IS WHERE
YOUR DNA IS.
BUT THE FEAR OF WHAT THE VACCINE
CONTAINS, OR WHAT IT COULD DO TO
YOU, SEEMS TO BE COMMON.
SOME EVANGELICALS ARE CONCERNED
IT CONTAINS CELLS FROM ABORTED
FETUSES -- WHICH IT DOES NOT.
OTHERS WORRY THAT IT COULD
CHANGE THE BODY'S INNER
WORKINGS.
YOU MIGHT HAVE HAD A FRIEND TELL
YOU THEY'RE WORRIED THE VACCINES
CAUSE INFERTILITY.
THOSE RUMORS WERE FUELED BY A
BLOG POST, WHICH FALSELY CLAIMED
THAT PFIZER'S VACCINE CONTAINED
INGREDIENTS CAPABLE OF "TRAINING
THE FEMALE BODY TO ATTACK
A PROTEIN THAT PLAYS A CRUCIAL
ROLE IN THE DEVELOPMENT OF
THE PLACENTA."
BUT A FEW THINGS THERE.
FIRST, EXPERTS SAY OF THAT
CLAIM, "IT'S A MYTH, IT'S
INACCURATE.
THERE IS NO EVIDENCE
TO SUPPORT IT."
AND THERE'S ALREADY PRETTY GOOD
PROOF THAT PFIZER'S VACCINE
DOESN'T CAUSE INFERTILITY,
BECAUSE DURING THE TRIALS
LAST YEAR, MULTIPLE WOMEN BECAME
PREGNANT, AND THE ONLY ONE WHO
SUFFERED A PREGNANCY LOSS WAS
GIVEN THE PLACEBO.
SO IT'S JUST NOT TRUE.
AND THE FINAL MYTH YOU MAY HAVE
HEARD IS THAT THE RISKS FROM
THE VACCINE ARE SOMEHOW GREATER
THAN THE RISKS OF COVID.
THAT IS A PERCEPTION FED BY
THE CONSTANT CIRCULATION OF
MISLEADING HEADLINES ABOUT
PEOPLE FALLING ILL OR DYING
AFTER GETTING THEIR SHOT.
FOR INSTANCE, YOU MAY HAVE SEEN
THIS STORY THAT WAS WIDELY
SHARED ABOUT 23 PEOPLE IN
NORWAY DYING WITHIN A WEEK OF
GETTING THE SHOT.
WHICH DOES SOUND SCARY, BUT THAT
HEADLINE IS MISSING SOME PRETTY
MAJOR CONTEXT.
WHILE THOSE PEOPLE DID DIE,
AT THAT POINT IN NORWAY, THE
VACCINE WAS BEING ADMINISTERED
TO THE OLDEST OR SICKEST PEOPLE.
AND A CERTAIN PERCENTAGE OF THEM
WERE, STATISTICALLY, GOING TO
DIE THAT WEEK, VACCINE OR
NO VACCINE.
ON AVERAGE, 400 PEOPLE DIE EACH
WEEK IN NURSING HOMES IN NORWAY.
AND WHEN THE WORLD HEALTH
ORGANIZATION REVIEWED THOSE
INCIDENTS, THEY DIDN'T FIND
ANY UNEXPECTED OR UNTOWARD
INCREASE IN FATALITIES.
WHICH MAKES SENSE -- CORRELATION
ISN'T CAUSATION.
THE VACCINE PROTECTS AGAINST
COVID, NOT THE CONCEPT OF
MORTALITY.
IT IS WEIRD THAT I HAVE TO
CLARIFY THIS, BUT YOU ARE,
IN FACT, GOING TO DIE ONE DAY,
MIKE.
YEAH, MIKE.
STOP LISTENING TO WHAT JOE ROGAN
TELLS YOU.
HE'S A FUCKING MORON -- HIS
WORDS, NOT MINE.
THAT ALSO GOES FOR STORIES
YOU MIGHT SEE HYPING UP
SCARY-SOUNDING DATA FROM VAERS
-- THE VACCINE ADVERSE EVENT
REPORTING SYSTEM.
IT'S A DATABASE THAT COLLECTS
STORIES OF MEDICAL EVENTS
FOLLOWING VACCINATIONS.
BUT ANY LAYPERSON HAS TO TREAT
DATA COMING OUT OF IT WITH
EXTREME CAUTION.
BECAUSE REPORTS CAN BE ENTERED
BY ANYONE AND ARE NOT ROUTINELY
VERIFIED -- ONE RESEARCHER ONCE
CLAIMED THAT THE FLU VACCINE
TURNED HIM INTO THE HULK, AND
THAT REPORT WAS ACCEPTED AND
ENTERED INTO THE DATABASE.
WHICH IS COMPLETELY ABSURD.
A DRUG CAN'T TURN YOU INTO
THE HULK, ALTHOUGH IT CAN TURN
YOU INTO CAPTAIN AMERICA,
THE ONLY SUPERHERO WHOSE ORIGIN
STORY IS "A METRIC TON OF
EXPERIMENTAL NAZI STEROIDS."
AND IF WE'RE JUST GOING TO SHARE
RANDOM, UNVERIFIED SIDE EFFECTS,
I MIGHT AS WELL SHOW YOU THIS
TRULY SHOCKING VIDEO ABOUT WHAT
MIGHT WELL HAPPEN TO YOUR MOM.
>> SO MY MOM GOT THE VACCINE
BECAUSE SHE'S A HEALTHCARE
WORKER AND SHE TOLD ME SHE'S
EXPERIENCING SOME SIDE EFFECTS.
MOM, WHAT'S THAT SIDE EFFECT
YOU SAID YOU'RE EXPERIENCING?
>> BEING A BOSS ASS BITCH.
>> John: VERY GOOD.
AND LOOK, I'M NOT SAYING VAERS
IS USELESS.
IT VERY MUCH ISN'T.
THE REASON THE CDC COLLECTS DATA
FROM IT IS SO, IF A PATTERN DOES
EMERGE, ACTIONS CAN BE TAKEN --
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED
WITH THE JOHNSON & JOHNSON SHOT.
THE CDC FOUND A POTENTIAL
PATTERN OF RARE BLOOD CLOTS
AND PAUSED THE ROLLOUT
UNDER AN ABUNDANCE OF CAUTION.
AND WHILE SOME VACCINE SKEPTICS
POINTED TO THAT AS EVIDENCE THEY
WERE RIGHT ABOUT VACCINES BEING
DANGEROUS, IN REALITY, IT KIND
OF PROVES THE OPPOSITE.
THAT THE SAFETY RISK OF VACCINES
IS RIGOROUSLY AND PUBLICLY
ANALYZED, NOT SECRETLY BURIED
AND SOMEHOW LEAKED TO THE HUMAN
FOOTBALL'S NEON SCREAM HOUR.
AND NONE OF THIS IS TO SAY THAT
THERE ARE NO SIDE EFFECTS TO
THE VACCINES.
THERE CAN BE.
IT'S JUST THAT SERIOUS ONES LIKE
ANAPHYLAXIS ARE INCREDIBLY RARE
-- 4.7 CASES PER MILLION FOR
PFIZER, TWO AND A HALF CASES
PER MILLION FOR MODERNA -- AND
YOU SHOULD KNOW, THOSE ALSO
OCCUR MOSTLY IN INDIVIDUALS WITH
A HISTORY OF SEVERE ALLERGIES.
THE FACT IS, THE VAST MAJORITY
OF PEOPLE CAN EXPECT, AT MOST,
TYPICAL COLD OR FLU SYMPTOMS
IN THE FIRST FEW DAYS AFTER
THEIR SHOT, OR MAYBE JUST
A SORE ARM, OR NOTHING AT ALL.
FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH: I GOT MY
SECOND SHOT THIS THURSDAY, MY
ARM HURT A LITTLE BIT FOR A DAY,
BUT THAT'S BASICALLY IT.
I WILL SAY -- THE FOLLOWING
AFTERNOON, FOR A COUPLE OF
HOURS, I DID FEEL A LITTLE LIKE
A BOSS ASS BITCH, BUT IT PASSED
QUICKLY.
AND ANYWAY, THE KEY THING TO
REMEMBER IS THAT NO "SIDE
EFFECT" OF THE VACCINE IS WORSE
THAN THE ALTERNATIVE: COVID,
A DISEASE THAT'S KILLED OVER
500,000 PEOPLE IN THE U.S.
ALONE, WHILE, ONCE AGAIN,
TO DATE, THE VACCINE HAS BEEN
PROVEN TO KILL EXACTLY ZERO.
SO IT'S MORE THAN NATURAL
TO HAVE QUESTIONS.
BUT THERE ARE REASSURING ANSWERS
OUT THERE.
AND ANYONE JUST THROWING OUT
QUESTIONS WITHOUT ACKNOWLEDGING
THAT PROBABLY HAS ANOTHER AGENDA
ENTIRELY.
BUT THE PROBLEM IS, TO GET
ANYWHERE CLOSE TO HERD IMMUNITY,
WE BADLY NEED TO CONVINCE ANYONE
WHO CAN BE CONVINCED.
THE QUESTION IS, HOW DO WE DO
THAT?
WELL, SOME REPUBLICAN LAWMAKERS,
TO THEIR CREDIT, HAVE TRIED TO
REASSURE THEIR VOTERS.
ALTHOUGH OCCASIONALLY THOSE
ATTEMPTS HAVE LOOKED LIKE THIS.
>> LIVE FREE AND BEAUTY
SURROUNDS YOU.
THE WORLD STILL ASTOUNDS YOU
EACH TIME YOU LOOK AT A STAR.
I'M SENATOR JOHN KENNEDY.
I CAN'T SING VERY WELL,
BUT I'M FREE.
BE FREE.
BE COOL.
GET THE VACCINE.
I DID, IT WORKS.
>> John: OKAY.
I DON'T LOVE THAT, AND NOT JUST
BECAUSE IT'S THE WORST THING TO
COME OUT OF A KENNEDY'S MOUTH
SINCE THE BACK OF A KENNEDY'S
HEAD -- BUT ALSO BECAUSE,
THE TRUTH IS, THAT PROBABLY
DIDN'T CONVINCE ANYONE.
IN RESEARCHING THIS PIECE,
EXPERTS REPEATEDLY TOLD US THAT
THE VACCINE HESITANT GENERALLY
DON'T RESPOND WELL TO HEARING
FROM POLITICIANS, CELEBRITIES,
OR ATHLETES TELLING THEM TO GET
THE VACCINE.
AND I GET THAT.
I'D LOVE TO THINK THAT I COULD
END THIS PIECE, HAVING CAREFULLY
LAID OUT SOME DATA,
WITH A TRIUMPHANT CALL FOR
PEOPLE TO GET VACCINATED,
FEATURING A MASCOT OF SOME
INCONGRUOUS ANIMAL LIKE,
I DUNNO, A VACCINE CICADA.
YOU DON'T THINK THAT'S SOMETHING
I'D BE INTERESTED IN DOING?
THE TRUTH IS, WE ACTUALLY DID
THAT.
WE HAD A VACCINE CICADA COSTUME
MADE.
BUT AFTER BEING ADVISED THAT
THIS TECHNIQUE WOULDN'T BE
REMOTELY EFFECTIVE IN CONVINCING
PEOPLE WHO WERE HESITANT, WE
SCRAPPED THE IDEA COMPLETELY.
WE EMAILED OUR MASCOT GUY AND
TOLD HIM NOT TO COME IN.
BECAUSE IT WAS AN ABSOLUTELY
STUPID IDEA.
A VACCINE CICADA?
CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW DUMB THAT
WOULD LOOK?
IT PROBABLY WOULDN'T END UP EVEN
LOOKING LIKE A CICADA, MORE LIKE
SOME KIND OF UNHINGED COCKROACH.
IT WAS A TERRIBLE CONCEPT
THAT COULD HAVE FUNDAMENTALLY
UNDERMINED THE VERY IMPORTANT
MESSAGE THAT WE WERE TRYING TO
SEND, AND I'M SO GLAD WE AVOIDED
MAKING THAT MISTAKE.
THE TRUTH IS, I'M NOT GOING TO
BE ABLE TO CONVINCE THE PEOPLE
IN YOUR LIFE WHO ARE HESITANT.
THE PERSON WITH THE BEST CHANCE
OF DOING THAT IS YOU.
SO IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE WORRIED,
FOR WHATEVER REASON, AND YOU
WANT TO CONVINCE THEM OTHERWISE,
DO NOT SHOW THEM THIS VIDEO.
BUT MAYBE DO TRY AND USE SOME OF
THE INFORMATION INSIDE IT TO
TELL THEM YOURSELF AND WHEN
YOU'RE DOING THAT, TRY NOT TO
DISMISS OR JUDGE THEM FOR HAVING
DOUBTS.
AND I KNOW THAT'S NOT ALWAYS
EASY.
I COULD HAVE GIVEN THAT GUY
A PASS FOR HOLDING UP THE WRONG
NUMBER OF FINGERS.
I COULDN'T DO IT!
I DON'T HAVE THAT LEVEL OF
RESTRAINT!
I'M A SMALL, PETTY MAN, AND THAT
GUY IS A FUCKING IDIOT!
BUT IF YOU THINK YOU CAN
DO BETTER, IT IS INCREDIBLY
IMPORTANT THAT YOU TRY.
OR, TO PUT IT IN TERMS THAT THAT
GUY COULD UNDERSTAND: I'VE GOT
TWO WORDS FOR YOU: PLEASE JUST
TRY AS HARD AS YOU CAN.
AND NOW: THIS.
♪ ♪
>> Announcer: AND NOW...
DANA PERINO GREW UP ON A RANCH.
TO SPEAK OF THE DEMOCRATS ARE
PLOWING OLD GROUND OVER AND
OVER AGAIN, AND I GREW UP ON A
RANCH.
>> MOUNT RUSHMORE, ONE OF MY
VERY FAVORITE PLACES.
WENT THERE EVERY YEAR AS A KID
TO VISIT, NEAR MY GRANDPARENTS'
RANCH.
IN MY RANCH, WE HAD A DOG NAMED
CHOCO AND MY SISTER AND I
BROUGHT HOME A CAT FROM THE
RANCH.
>> IN NEWCASTLE, WYOMING, AND MY
GRANDPA'S RANCH.
>> THAT IS OR MY GRANDFATHER'S
RANCH.
>> MY GRANDFATHER'S RANCH.
>> HE GOT ME A PONY NAMED SALLY.
>> MY FIRST PONY WAS NAMED
SALLY.
>> WHEN I WAS A BABY, MY
GRANDFATHER BOUGHT ME A BABY.
HER NAME WAS ALLIE.
>> I HAD A PONY NAMED SALLY.
I HAD SOME OTHER ANIMALS.
MY GRANDFATHER'S RANCH.
>> MY GRANDFATHER ON MY FATHERS
SIDE UP AT THE RANCH.
>> INTERESTING, HAVING GROWN UP
IN THE MOUNTAIN WEST, RANCHING
FAMILY, THAT IS WHERE I COME
FROM.
>> RANCHING FAMILY.
>> I REMEMBER GROWING UP ON THE
RANCH.
>> I LOVE EARLY MORNINGS,
GROWING UP ON A RANCH.
>> I GREW UP IN A CATTLE RANCH.
>> THE RANCH.
RANCH.
>> I WANT TO HEAR MORE ABOUT
THAT RANCH EXPERIENCE SOMEDAY,
DANA.
>> John: MOVING ON.
FINALLY TONIGHT, A QUICK WORD
ABOUT TWITTER, THE PLATFORM
WHERE HBO ONCE TWEETED THIS
POINTLESS LIST COMPARING THEIR
SHOWS TO DIFFERENT TYPES OF MILK
AND LEAVING US OUT.
WHICH IS RIDICULOUS.
WE EVEN RESPONDED AT THE TIME,
"WHY AREN'T WE MILK?"
AND WE NEVER HEARD BACK.
AND WHO IS MORE MILK IN
THE HBO UNIVERSE THAN THIS SHOW?
WE'RE BOTH BLAND, WHITE
SUBSTANCES THAT IF INGESTED
TOO QUICKLY WILL ABSOLUTELY
WRECK THE REST OF YOUR EVENING.
PLUS, EVERYTHING ABOUT MY VISUAL
APPEARANCE SCREAMS:
I WAS JUST SHOT OUT OF AN
UDDER.
WE'VE TALKED BEFORE ABOUT HOW
CORPORATIONS ROUTINELY FAIL TO
GET WHAT TWITTER SHOULD BE FOR
-- WHICH IS PICTURES OF LONG BOI
DUCKS AND PHOTOS OF GRITTY
HOLDING A ROCK TO HIS EAR AND
SAYING HE CAN HEAR THE OCEAN.
BUT IT'S NOT JUST CORPORATIONS.
GOVERNMENT ACCOUNTS CAN ALSO
BE DESPERATE TO APPEAR FUN ON
TWITTER.
TAKE THE U.S. CONSUMER PRODUCT
SAFETY COMMISSION.
ON WEDNESDAY, THEY TWEETED OUT
THIS IMAGE OF A KID ON THEIR
FATHER'S SHOULDERS,
LOOKING OUT AT A GIANT,
TENTACLED WASHING MACHINE,
WITH NO EXPLANATION BEYOND
THE CAPTION, "AMERICA."
THAT WASN'T EVEN THE WEIRDEST
THING THEY TWEETED THIS WEEK.
ON MONDAY, THEY TWEETED THIS
PICTURE OF A GIANT WASP IN A
FAMILY KITCHEN WITH THE CAPTION,
"IT'S NOT ALWAYS THIS EASY TO
FIND SOMETHING DANGEROUS
IN YOUR HOME.
CHECK FOR UNSAFE PRODUCTS ON
Safer.Products.gov."
AND GUESS WHAT HASHTAG THEY
INCLUDED?
LOOK AT THIS IMAGE CLOSELY AND
SAY YOUR GUESS OUT LOUD NOW.
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY WRONG!
IT WAS #LesbianVisibilityDay.
AND LET'S AGREE: THAT'S
DEFINITELY THE REPRESENTATION
THE LESBIAN COMMUNITY HAS BEEN
LOOKING FOR -- A REMINDER THAT
THEY, TOO, CAN BE ATTACKED BY
RADIOACTIVE WASPS IN A
BLINDINGLY DULL KITCHEN.
YOU CAN'T BE WHAT YOU CAN'T SEE.
AND LOOK, I DO GET THEY'RE JUST
TRYING TO GO VIRAL.
BUT IT'S NOW HARD TO SEE ONE OF
THEIR SERIOUS TWEETS ABOUT
PRODUCT RECALLS, LIKE THIS ONE
FROM THURSDAY ABOUT A POOL
HEATER THAT CAN CATCH ON FIRE,
WITHOUT THINKING, "WHY IS THE
ACCOUNT THAT ONCE TWEETED THIS
PICTURE OF A CAT RIDING
A PEGASUS TRYING TO GIVE ME
SAFETY ADVICE?
PICK A FUCKING LANE."
EVEN THE CIA HAS TRIED TO
BE A FUN ONLINE PRESENCE,
WITH TWEETS LIKE THIS
"DECIPHER THE CODE" BRAIN
TEASER, THE ANSWER TO WHICH IS:
ROSES ARE RED, VIOLETS ARE BLUE.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY FROM
THE CIA TO YOU!"
WHICH NOT ONLY ISN'T CHARMING,
IT'S ALSO THE CODE PHRASE
TRIGGERING A UKRAINIAN SLEEPER
AGENT TO PICK UP HIS SNIPER
RIFLE AND GET TO WORK.
THE ONE GOVERNMENT ACCOUNT THAT
SEEMS TO KNOW WHAT IT'S DOING IS
NEW JERSEY'S STATE ACCOUNT, WHO
ONCE REPLIED TO THE QUESTION,
"WHO LET NEW JERSEY HAVE A
TWITTER?"
WITH THE ANSWER, "YOUR MOM."
AND ALSO REPLIED TO A TWEET
MAKING FUN OF THE STATE WITH,
"THAT'S NOT WHAT YOUR MOM SAID."
WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY EXCELLENT.
THEY KNOW WHAT THEIR BRAND IS:
14-YEAR-OLD WISEASS CLAIMING TO
HAVE PLOWED OUR MOTHERS NIGHTLY.
AND THEY EXECUTE IT WELL.
BUT PERHAPS THE SADDEST EXAMPLE
OF GOVERNMENT TWITTER IS THE
U.S. CYBER COMMAND'S NATIONAL
MISSION FORCE ACCOUNT, WHICH
LAST YEAR TWEETED THIS IMAGE OF
A RUSSIAN BEAR DROPPING CANDY,
LABELED WITH DIFFERENT TYPES OF
MALWARE.
AND WHAT EXACTLY WAS THE POINT
OF THIS?
DID THEY THINK THIS WOULD
GO VIRAL AND EVERYONE WOULD
SUDDENLY BE INTO CYBERSECURITY
ALERTS?
DID THEY THINK DRAKE WOULD
RETWEET IT WITH A BUNCH OF
FIRE EMOJIS?
OR THAT THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT
WOULD REPLY WITH, "FUCK, YOU GOT
US AGAIN!"
WELL, APPARENTLY, THE RATIONALE
WITHIN CYBER COMMAND WAS,
"RUSSIA HATES TO BE SEEN AS
CUDDLY OR COZY, SO WE WANT TO
TICK THEM OFF."
AND THEY TRIED TO DO THAT WITH
THIS MEME.
WHICH TOOK A DEPRESSING AMOUNT
OF EFFORT.
THANKS TO A FREEDOM OF
INFORMATION REQUEST, WE NOW KNOW
THAT, FROM START TO FINISH,
THE PICTURE OF THAT SOVIET BEAR
DROPPING MALWARE CANDY TOOK
22 DAYS.
22 DAYS!
FOR THAT!
THAT IS PATHETIC.
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU CONSIDER
THAT, TO DATE, IT'S GOT
A GRAND TOTAL OF 441 LIKES.
22 DAYS FOR 441 LIKES.
THAT IS LESS THAN 1% OF
THE LIKES THAT HANK FROM
"BREAKING BAD" GOT FOR THIS
TWEET REVEALING THAT HE'S HORNY
FOR SEX GIFS.
THE POINT IS, GOVERNMENT TWITTER
ACCOUNTS, PLEASE, STOP TRYING TO
BE FUNNY.
STOP MAKING BAD MEMES.
STOP TRYING TO DUNK ON FOREIGN
ADVERSARIES.
AND STOP USING HASHTAGS WHERE
THEY'RE COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE ANYTHING
AWAY FROM THIS, LET IT BE THAT
YOU'RE TRYING WAY TOO HARD,
AND THAT FOR SOME ABSOLUTELY
INEXPLICABLE REASON,
THIS SHOW IS NOT MILK.
WHY ARE WE NOT MILK?
THAT'S OUR SHOW, THANK YOU SO
MUCH FOR WATCHING.
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
GOOD NIGHT!
[OCEAN WAVES AND SEAGULLS]