♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING
US.
AND WE HAVE JUST TIME FOR A
QUICK RECAP OF THE WEEK, WHICH
SAW ELIZABETH WARREN AND
MICHAEL BLOOMBERG ENDING THEIR
PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGNS, IN
BLOOMBERG'S CASE AFTER
PERSONALLY SPENDING OVER
HALF A BILLION DOLLARS.
IT IS HARD TO OVERSTATE JUST HOW
MUCH MONEY BLOOMBERG WASTED,
ALTHOUGH, AS BRIAN WILLIAMS'
VIEWERS KNOW, IT'S NOT
IMPOSSIBLE.
>> WHEN I READ IT TONIGHT ON
SOCIAL MEDIA, IT KIND OF ALL
BECAME CLEAR.
"BLOOMBERG SPENT $500 MILLION ON
ADS.
U.S. POPULATION, 327 MILLION."
DON'T TELL US IF YOU'RE AHEAD OF
US ON THE MATH.
HE COULD HAVE GIVEN EACH
AMERICAN $1 MILLION AND HAVE HAD
LUNCH MONEY LEFT OVER.
IT'S AN INCREDIBLE WAY OF
PUTTING IT.
>> IT'S AN INCREDIBLE WAY OF
PUTTING IT.
IT'S TRUE.
IT'S DISTURBING.
>> John: OKAY, OKAY, FOR THE
RECORD, IT'S NOT TRUE.
$500 MILLION DIVIDED BY
327 MILLION IS NOT $1 MILLION.
IT'S AROUND $1.50.
WHICH GOES TO SHOW, TWO, YOU
CAN'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU SEE
ON TWITTER.
TWITTER IS NOT WHERE YOU GO FOR
FACTS.
IT'S WHERE YOU GO TO SEE THE
OFFICIAL ACCOUNT FOR NEW JERSEY
TWEET "GABAGOOL" OR
POST MALONE TWEET,
"IS MEATBALL AN FRUIT?"
OR SEE HENRY WINKLER POST PHOTOS
OF HIM HOLDING FISH.
SERIOUSLY.
IT'S ALL THE MAN DOES.
BUT OBVIOUSLY THE BIG STORY OF
THE WEEK WAS THE CORONAVIRUS:
HOW THE COMMON COLD DESCRIBES
ITSELF ON ITS RESUME.
CASES CONTINUE TO RISE, AND
UNFORTUNATELY, THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION'S RESPONSE HAS
LEFT A LOT TO BE DESIRED.
>> ALL WEEK, THE PRESIDENT HAS
BEEN PLAYING FAST AND LOOSE WITH
THE FACTS, CLAIMING A
CORONAVIRUS VACCINE COULD BE
READY IN MONTHS.
>> I DON'T THINK THEY KNOW WHAT
THE TIME WILL BE.
I'VE HEARD VERY QUICK NUMBERS, A
MATTER OF MONTHS, AND I'VE HEARD
PRETTY MUCH A YEAR WOULD BE AN
OUTSIDE NUMBER.
>> ONLY TO BE CONTRADICTED BY
THE EXPERTS.
>> SO HE'S ASKING THE QUESTION,
"WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE
DEPLOYABLE?" AND THAT IS GONNA
BE, AT THE EARLIEST, A YEAR TO A
YEAR AND A HALF, NO MATTER HOW
FAST YOU GO.
>> John: IT NOW SEEMS EVERY
TRUMP PRESS CONFERENCE HAS TO
COME WITH AN EPILOGUE FROM AN
EXPERT CLARIFYING ALL THE THINGS
HE JUST GOT WRONG.
"IF I MAY JUMP IN HERE, THE
PRESIDENT JUST SAID THAT A CURE
WOULD COME VERY QUICKLY.
IT'S MORE LIKELY TO TAKE AT
LEAST A YEAR.
HE ALSO SAID THAT ITS, 'THE
MEANEST VIRUS HE'S EVER SEEN' ‐‐
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
IT'S A VIRUS.
IT HAS NO INTENT.
YOU ALSO SAW THE PRESIDENT
ASSURE US THAT YOU COULDN'T GET
THE VIRUS FROM SUCKING ON
'DEEZ.'
I THEN MISTAKENINGLY ASKED
'DEEZ WHAT,' TO WHICH HE REPLIED
'DEEZ NUTS' AND DEMANDED A
HIGH FIVE.
AND WHILE I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE
TO SAY THIS, DEPENDING ON THE
NUTS, WE CAN'T SAY FOR ABSOLUTE
CERTAIN THAT YOU WOULDN'T GET
THE CORONAVIRUS FROM SUCKING ON
DOZE.
ON DOZE NUTS."
BUT IT IS NOT JUST THAT THE
TRUMP ADMINISTRATION IS
SOMETIMES DOLING OUT BAD
INFORMATION ‐‐ IT'S OCCASIONALLY
NO INFORMATION AT ALL.
ON WEDNESDAY, THE VICE PRESIDENT
GAVE A BRIEFING IN WHICH HE
CLAIMED INSURANCE WOULD COVER
THE CORONAVIRUS TESTING, BUT
JUST WATCH AS HE LEAVES BEFORE A
REPORTER CAN ASK A FAIRLY
IMPORTANT FOLLOWUP:
>> THANK YOU.
>> CAN THE UNINSURED GET TESTED?
GENTLEMEN, LADIES, CAN THE
UNINSURED GET TESTED?
>> SCREAMING FOR THE CAMERA
ISN'T GOING TO GET YOU ANYWHERE.
>> WELL, HOW ABOUT ANSWERING THE
QUESTION?
>> WE WOULD LIKE AN ANSWER TO
THAT QUESTION.
>> THAT'S A VALID QUESTION.
>> John: YEAH, IT IS A VALID
QUESTION.
HE'S ASKING IF NEARLY 30 MILLION
UNINSURED AMERICANS WILL HAVE
ACCESS TO A TEST FOR A DEADLY,
CONTAGIOUS VIRUS.
THAT IS RELEVANT.
IF HE WAS SHOUTING SOMETHING
POINTLESS OUT LIKE "EXCUSE ME,
MR. VICE PRESIDENT:
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
BISQUE AND CHOWDER?"
OR "ARE CHIPMUNKS JUST
BABY SQUIRRELS?"
OR "SHOULD NELLY BE CONSIDERED
AN ELITE RAPPER," SURE, IGNORE
HIM.
THOSE QUESTIONS ARE STUPID.
AND FOR THE RECORD, THE ANSWERS
TO THOSE QUESTIONS ARE: TEXTURE,
NO, AND OF COURSE
NELLY'S AN ELITE RAPPER!
"COUNTRY GRAMMAR," "E. I.,"
"RIDE WIT ME," "BATTER UP," ON A
DEBUT ALBUM?
A DEBUT ALBUM?
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH
THIS NON‐ELITE RAPPER BULLSHIT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BUT THE EVENT THAT TRULY SUMMED
UP HOW CHAOTIC THE PRESIDENT'S
RESPONSE HAS BEEN WAS WHEN HE
VISITED THE CDC ON FRIDAY AND
SPENT 45 MINUTES, AMONG OTHER
THINGS, SAYING THE GOVERNOR OF
WASHINGTON IS A SNAKE, ASKING IF
HIS TOWN HALL ON FOX NEWS GOT
GOOD RATINGS, AND BRAGGING THAT
EVERY ONE OF THE DOCTORS AT THE
CDC SAID, "HOW DO YOU KNOW SO
MUCH ABOUT THIS?" TO WHICH HIS
ANSWER WAS, MAYBE I HAVE A
NATURAL ABILITY.
THEN THERE WAS THE SUBJECT OF
TESTING KITS, THE CURRENT
SHORTAGE OF WHICH MAY BE
ALLOWING THE VIRUS TO SPREAD
UNDETECTED.
EVEN MIKE PENCE HAS SAID IT
COULD BE A MATTER OF WEEKS UNTIL
THE TESTS ARE WIDELY AVAILABLE.
SO RIGHT NOW, NOT EVERYONE WHO
WANTS A TEST CAN GET A TEST.
THAT'S IMPORTANT TO KNOW, YET
FOR SOME REASON, TRUMP SAID
THIS:
>> ANYBODY THAT WANTS A TEST CAN
GET A TEST.
ANYBODY RIGHT NOW AND
YESTERDAY ‐‐ ANYBODY THAT NEEDS
A TEST GETS A TEST.
WE ‐‐ THEY'RE THERE.
THEY HAVE THE TESTS.
AND THE TESTS ARE BEAUTIFUL.
>> John: SET ASIDE HOW WEIRD IT
IS TO CALL A TEST FOR A DEADLY
DISEASE "BEAUTIFUL."
THE FACT IS, WHAT HE JUST SAID
IS FLAGRANTLY UNTRUE.
THERE ARE CURRENTLY NOT ENOUGH
AVAILABLE TESTS.
AND YOU CAN'T JUST STATE
SOMETHING AS A FACT BECAUSE YOU
WISH IT WAS TRUE, ANYMORE THAN I
CAN JUST DECLARE MYSELF
AMERICA'S MOST FUCKABLE JOHN.
I'M NOT.
I'M JUST NOT.
I'M THE SECOND‐MOST FUCKABLE
JOHN, AND UNTIL HE DIES, I HAVE
TO BE FINE WITH THAT.
IT'S AN UNCOMFORTABLE FACT.
PERHAPS EVEN MORE WORRYING
THOUGH WAS HOW CLEAR IT BECAME
THAT, TO TRUMP, MANAGING
PERCEPTIONS IS A HUGE PRIORITY.
HE KEPT BRAGGING THAT THE U. S.
HAD SEEN ONLY 240 CONFIRMED
CASES AND 11 DEATHS, FAR LOWER
THAN SOME AFFECTED COUNTRIES.
THOSE NUMBERS KEPT COMING UP.
HE EVEN CITED THEM WHEN
EXPLAINING WHY HE WAS PERSONALLY
LOATHE TO EVACUATE THE CRUISE
SHIP DOCKED OFF SAN FRANCISCO,
WHERE 21 PEOPLE ABOARD HAVE
TESTED POSITIVE FOR THE VIRUS.
>> I WOULD RATHER ‐‐ BECAUSE I
LIKE THE NUMBERS BEING WHERE
THEY ARE.
I DON'T NEED TO HAVE THE NUMBERS
DOUBLE BECAUSE OF ONE SHIP.
I WOULD RATHER HAVE THE NUMBERS
STAY WHERE THEY ARE.
BUT IF THEY WANT TO TAKE THEM
OFF, THEY'LL TAKE THEM OFF.
BUT IF THAT HAPPENS, ALL OF A
SUDDEN YOUR 240 IS OBVIOUSLY
GOING TO BE A MUCH HIGHER
NUMBER, AND PROBABLY THE 11 WILL
BE A HIGHER NUMBER TOO.
>> John: YEAH.
IT WILL.
BUT YOU GET THAT THOSE NUMBERS
ARE ALSO PEOPLE, RIGHT?
AND THAT THINGS THAT HAPPEN ON
BOATS STILL COUNT, RIGHT?
BECAUSE OTHERWISE THAT WOULD
MEAN HENRY WINKLER HAS
NEVER CAUGHT A SINGLE FISH, AND
HE HAS.
LOOK AT IT, THE MAN IS OUT FOR
TROUT.
BUT ALSO, IF TRUMP GOT HIS WAY
AND WE HAD LEFT PEOPLE ON
BOARD INDEFINITELY,
THE INFECTION COULD
SPREAD MORE.
I'D SAY IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO HAVE
SUCH A CALLOUS INDIFFERENCE TO
HUMAN LIFE, BUT HE DOES SEEM TO
HAVE A NATURAL ABILITY FOR IT.
BUT FOR NOW, LET'S MOVE ON TO A
QUICK UPDATE ON INDIA, OR AS
PEOPLE WITH THIS ACCENT HAVE
HISTORICALLY CALLED IT, "MINE."
A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, WE
DID A STORY ABOUT INDIA'S
PRIME MINISTER, NARENDRA MODI,
WHICH SOME DIE‐HARD MODI
SUPPORTERS, LIKE ARNAB GOSWAMI,
THE TUCKER CARLSON OF INDIA, DID
NOT ENJOY.
NOW, THE FIRST HINT I GOT THAT
HE WAS NOT HAPPY WITH ME WAS IN
A PROMO FOR HIS UPCOMING SHOW.
>> GO LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE
MIRROR AND TELL YOURSELF WHETHER
YOU ARE A MOTIVATED FOOL ‐‐
CONSCIOUSLY OR UNCONSCIOUSLY A
FOOL, OR WHETHER YOU'RE JUST
MALICIOUS.
>> John: NOW, I DON'T KNOW IF
YOU NOTICED THERE, BUT WHEN HE
SAID "LOOK IN THE MIRROR,"
THIS IS WHAT WAS IN THE
MIRROR.
AND LOOK, THAT MIGHT NOT BE ME.
IT MIGHT NOT BE ME.
IT COULD BE STEVE MNUCHIN OR
MILHOUSE FROM "THE SIMPSONS" OR
THIS ONE OWL.
YA KNOW, ANY NUMBER OF HOTTIES.
BUT IN CASE YOU WERE THINKING IT
COULD'VE BEEN SOMEONE ELSE, I'M
AFRAID HIS SHOW CLEARED ANY
CONFUSION UP.
>> AN IGNORAMUS, AN IGNORAMUS OF
EXCEEDINGLY, EXCEEDINGLY GLOBAL
PROPORTIONS.
A MAN WHOSE ONLY JOB IS AS A
COMEDIAN.
HE'S NOT EVEN SMART ENOUGH TO BE
A SATIRIST.
A PERSON WITH ABSOLUTELY NO ‐‐
NO KNOWLEDGE AND WHO, I'M TOLD,
EVEN HAS HIS "GOOD MORNING" AND
"GOOD EVENING" WRITTEN OUT TO
HIM BY HIS TEAM OF RESEARCHERS.
A BRITISH‐AMERICAN LATE‐NIGHT
THIRD‐RATE TV HOST.
JOHN OLIVER, YOU EMBARRASSED
YOURSELF.
>> John: LISTEN, LISTEN, I'LL
GIVE YOU "IGNORAMUS."
I'LL EVEN GIVE YOU "THIRD‐RATE
TV HOST."
MY RESEARCHERS ASSURE ME THAT'S
ACTUALLY A COMPLIMENT.
BUT "I EMBARRASSED MYSELF"?
WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE
TALKING TO?
I USED HBO'S MONEY TO PURCHASE
AND WEAR JEANS DESIGNED TO
GIVE ME A SWEET PEACH ON
TELEVISION, AND NOT ONLY DID I
PUBLICLY RELEASE THIS PHOTO TO
THE WORLD, I PUT IT ON
BILLBOARDS TO PROMOTE THIS SHOW.
THAT'S IN TIMES SQUARE RIGHT
NOW!
I AM BEYOND THE CAPACITY FOR
SHAME!
YOU CAN'T HURT ME!
NOW, THE INTERESTING THING ABOUT
HIM SCOLDING ME ABOUT OUR MODI
SHOW IS THAT THAT EPISODE DIDN'T
ACTUALLY AIR IN INDIA.
A LOT OF OUR VIEWERS THERE
ALERTED US TO THE FACT THAT
HOTSTAR, THE STREAMING SERVICE
THAT BROADCASTS US IN INDIA,
NEVER UPLOADED THAT EPISODE.
NOW, THERE'S NO EVIDENCE THE
INDIAN GOVERNMENT MADE THEM DO
THAT.
AS BEST AS WE CAN TELL, HOTSTAR
JUST DECIDED TO SELF‐CENSORED.
WHICH IS STILL NOT GOOD.
AND WHAT'S WORSE IS, IT'S
APPARENTLY NOT EVEN THE FIRST
TIME THAT THEY HAVE CENSORED US.
WE'VE DISCOVERED THEY'VE BEEN
QUIETLY DOING IT FOR A WHILE
NOW, BUT NOT FOR THE REASON THAT
YOU MIGHT EXPECT.
JUST WATCH THIS CLIP FROM OUR
SHOW ABOUT THE CENSUS LAST YEAR.
THEY MADE A SMALL SPLICE RIGHT
AFTER WE SHOWED AN AD FROM THE
1980s.
IT'S SUBTLE, BUT JUST SEE IF YOU
CAN SPOT IT.
>> ♪ CAN WE COUNT ON YOU? ♪
>> ♪ YOU CAN COUNT ON ME! ♪
[MICKEY GIGGLES]
>> OKAY, FIRST, I'LL SAY THIS,
THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL SONG.
I MEAN, IT'S NO "EAT SHIT, BOB,"
BUT FRANKLY, WHAT IS?"
THE CONCEPT OF THE CENSUS IS
VERY SIMPLE ‐‐
>> John: DID YOU CATCH THAT?
THAT BARELY NOTICEABLE MOMENT
WHEN THEY SMASHED TO AN
UNFLATTERING CLOSEUP OF MY FACE?
YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T, BECAUSE IT
FITS SO SEAMLESSLY INTO THE
FAMILIAR RHYTHMS AND CONSISTENT
VISUAL STYLE OF THIS TELEVISION
SHOW.
NOW, FOR THE RECORD, HERE'S WHAT
THEY ACTUALLY CUT OUT.
>> CAN WE ACTUALLY COUNT ON YOU,
MICKEY?
IT'S 1980, YOU'RE IN A TUXEDO
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY, AND
YOUR PUPILS ARE THE SIZE OF
PERSONAL PAN PIZZAS.
WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS,
MICK: YOU'VE BEEN BAKING WITH
BOOGER SUGAR.
HORKING THE RAWDILLA.
RIDING THE WHITE RAIL EXPRESS TO
BLOWMAHA.
WHAT I'M ‐‐ WHAT I'M TRYING TO
SAY HERE IS, MICKEY MOUSE HAS A
REALLY SERIOUS COCAINE PROBLEM.
LISTEN, I'M JUST STATING A FACT.
A DISNEY FACT.
[MICKEY GIGGLES]
>> John: YEAH, IT'S TRUE.
THEY CUT OUT A JOKE ABOUT MICKEY
MOUSE BEING A COCAINE ADDICT.
WHY DID THEY DO THAT?
IT'S HARD TO SAY.
BUT IT MIGHT BE BECAUSE HOTSTAR
IS ACTUALLY OWNED BY DISNEY.
AND THEY SEEM EXTRA‐SENSITIVE
ABOUT DISNEY REFERENCES, BECAUSE
WE ALSO SPOTTED THIS SEAMLESS
EDIT IN OUR PIECE ON CHINA'S
ONE‐CHILD POLICY:
>> IN THE '60s AND '70s,
OVERPOPULATION WAS A HUGE GLOBAL
CONCERN, WITH ALARMISTS MAKING
APOCALYPTIC PREDICTIONS.
THE OVERPOPULATION HYSTERIA WAS
GLOBAL, AND CHINA WAS NO
EXCEPTION.
>> John: AGAIN, TOTALLY SEAMLESS
AND BARELY NOTICEABLE AS AN
EDIT.
WELL DONE TO EVERYONE INVOLVED
NOW, THE JOKE THEY CUT OUT OF
THAT WAS ABOUT DONALD DUCK AND
HOW HIS PENIS ‐‐ THIS IS TRUE ‐‐
IS SHAPED LIKE A CORKSCREW.
THAT'S NOT EVEN A JOKE, BY THE
WAY.
ALL DUCKS HAVE CORKSCREW‐SHAPED
DICKS.
LOOK AT THIS ONE.
LOOK RIGHT THERE.
IT LOOKS LIKE A FRESHLY BOILED
PIECE OF AL DENTE FUSILLI.
AND I FRANKLY RESENT THAT
FACTUALLY ACCURATE JOKE BEING
CUT ALMOST MORE THAN I RESENT
OUR MODI EPISODE BEING PULLED.
AND LET ME SAY THIS TO HOTSTAR
RIGHT NOW: IF YOU THINK YOU HAVE
TO REMOVE ANYTHING THAT REFLECTS
POORLY ON DISNEY FROM THIS SHOW,
I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS FOR YOU, MY
FRIENDS:
I AM FUCKING ZAZU RIGHT HERE.
EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF
THIS BEAK IS A DISNEY FACT.
IF I SAY THAT COGSWORTH COLLECTS
NAZI MEMORABILIA, GUESS WHAT?
THAT'S CANON, BABY.
THAT'S A DISNEY FUCKING FACT
RIGHT THERE.
AND FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE,
HOTSTAR, YOU CAN LOOK FORWARD TO
LEARNING A LOT MORE OF THEM ON
THIS SHOW, 'CAUSE WE'RE GOING TO
BE SLIDING THEM INTO OUR STORIES
LIKE CHIP AND DALE SLID INTO
RICHARD GERE.
THAT'S A DISNEY FACT,
MOTHERFUCKERS!
AND NOW THIS.
>> Announcer: AND NOW,
LARRY KUDLOW'S MANY BUTS.
>> WHAT HE IS SAYING IS, WE'RE
GOING TO GIVE YOU A RESPITE
HERE.
HE'S NOT GOING TO TAKE IMMEDIATE
ACTION TO CLOSE THE BORDER OR
THE PORTS OF ENTRY AND SO FORTH,
BUT, BUT, BUT, BUT.
BUT, BUT, BUT.
BUT, BUT, BUT, BUT.
BUT, BUT, BUT.
BUT, BUT, BUT, BUT, BUT.
BUT, BUT, BUT.
BUT.
BUT, BUT, BUT.
BUT, BUT, BUT, BUT.
BUT, BUT, BUT.
BUT, BUT, BUT, BUT, BUT.
BUT.
BUT, BUT, BUT.
BUT, BUT, BUT, BUT.
BUT.
BUT, BUT, BUT.
BUT, BUT, BUT, BUT.
BUT.
BUT, BUT, BUT.
BUT.
BUT, BUT, BUT, BUT.
>> John: MOVING ON.
OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS
LAW ENFORCEMENT, AND
SPECIFICALLY, THE JOB OF
SHERIFF, NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH
CHERIFF, THE PROPER WAY TO
DESCRIBE CHER DRESSED LIKED A
COWGIRL.
THAT'S A SHERIFF.
THIS IS A CHERIFF.
IT'S A KEY DIFFERENCE YOU NEED
TO LEARN.
NOW, WHEN YOU HEAR THE WORD
"SHERIFF," MOST OF US HAVE TWO
IMMEDIATE ASSOCIATIONS.
ONE, WESTERN LAWMEN WHO HANDLE
CATTLE‐RUSTLIN' AND OTHER
LIVESTOCK‐RELATED CRIMES.
AND TWO, JOE ARPAIO, THE
INFAMOUSLY ANTI‐IMMIGRANT
SHERIFF.
AND THIS NEXT CLIP ACTUALLY
INCLUDES BOTH, AS SHERIFF JOE
GIVES AN UPDATE ON A SUSPECT
NABBED THROUGH AN INTERESTING
INVESTIGATION.
>> FINALLY HE DECIDED THAT HE
WANTED TO TRAVEL TO PHOENIX TO
MEET OUR UNDERCOVER AGENT AND TO
HAVE SEX WITH HIS HORSE.
>> John: YEAH.
THAT SOUNDS TRULY BIZARRE UNTIL
YOU REALIZE THE HORSE IN
QUESTION WAS THIS ONE.
SO YOU GET IT, RIGHT?
I MEAN, I'M NOT SAYING I WANT TO
FUCK A HORSE OR ANYTHING.
BUT IF YOU'RE GONNA FUCK A
HORSE, IT SHOULD DEFINITELY BE
THIS ONE.
NOW, WOULD I TRAVEL TO PHOENIX
TO FUCK THAT HORSE?
WELL, IT DEPENDS, DOESN'T IT?
HOW MUCH ARE FLIGHTS?
IF IT'S $300 ROUND TRIP?
OF COURSE NOT.
BUT IF IT'S $170 OR SOMETHING
LIKE THAT AND THE HOT DADDY
HORSE SEEMED OPEN TO IT?
WELL, DEFINITELY.
MY WIFE AND I HAVE A LIST OF
FIVE PEOPLE WE'RE ALLOWED TO
HAVE SEX WITH.
HERS ARE ALL COMPLETELY
UNDERSTANDABLE HANDSOME, KIND
MEN AND MINE ARE THAT HORSE FIVE
TIMES, SO IT SEEMS KIND OF IDEAL
AS A SITUATION.
ANYWAY: SHERIFFS.
THERE ARE ACTUALLY MORE THAN
3,000 OF THEM AROUND THE
COUNTRY, AND GENERALLY SPEAKING,
THEY RUN LAW ENFORCEMENT AT A
COUNTY LEVEL.
CITIES OR TOWNS MIGHT HAVE THEIR
OWN POLICE DEPARTMENTS AS WELL,
BUT IN MANY AREAS, SHERIFFS ARE
THE ONLY LAW ENFORCEMENT AROUND.
AND THEY OVERSEE A LOT OF
OFFICERS.
AROUND 25% OF LOCAL
LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS WORK
FOR SHERIFFS.
THAT'S ONE IN FOUR COPS.
AND DEPENDING ON WHERE YOU LIVE,
YOUR SHERIFF MIGHT BE GOOD, BAD,
OR A TOTAL WEIRDO.
AND I WILL NOT SAY WHICH ONES
ARE THE WEIRDOS BECAUSE THAT
WOULD BE UNFAIR TO KENNEY BOONE
WHO, UNTIL RECENTLY, WAS
SHERIFF IN FLORENCE COUNTY,
SOUTH CAROLINA, WHERE HE MADE
THIS INCREDIBLE PSA.
>> THEY SAID ONE HIT WOULDN'T
HURT.
THEY SAID ONE HIT WOULDN'T HURT.
>> THEY LIED.
I'M SHERIFF KENNEY BOONE.
PLEASE, PLEASE TALK TO YOUR KIDS
ABOUT DRUGS.
TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT DRUGS.
>> John: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THAT IS SO MAGNIFICENTLY WEIRD.
I WANT 900 MORE VERSIONS OF THAT
WHERE KENNEY BOONE IMPLORES US
TO TALK TO OUR KIDS ABOUT OTHER
THINGS.
"TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT SLUGS.
PLEASE TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT
RUGS.
PEOPLE, I AM BEGGING YOU:
TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT PUGS.
THEY SAID ONE LICK WOULDN'T
HURT.
THEY LIED."
NOW, THE ROLE OF SHERIFF IS A
UNIQUE POSITION BECAUSE SHERIFFS
ARE ACTUALLY ELECTED, WHICH
MEANS THEY OFTEN PRODUCE
CAMPAIGN ADS.
IN FACT, LAST YEAR, A CANDIDATE
IN SOUTH CAROLINA PRODUCED A
FRANKLY UNFORGETTABLE AD.
YOU'RE ABOUT TO THINK YOU KNOW
WHERE THIS IS GOING, BUT YOU'RE
GOING TO NEED TO BRACE YOURSELF
FOR A HARD TURN.
>> I WANT TO TELL YOU AT THE
START OF MY CAMPAIGN SOME THINGS
THAT POLITICIANS WOULD TRY TO
HIDE, THINGS MY OPPONENTS MAY
TRY TO USE TO TARNISH MY
INTEGRITY.
AS A 16‐YEAR‐OLD, I RECEIVED A
TICKET FOR NOT HAVING MY
DRIVER'S LICENSE IN MY
POSSESSION.
I'VE BEEN IN FENDER BENDERS THAT
WERE MY FAULT.
AND ABOUT 10 YEARS AGO, AS A
YOUNG POLICE OFFICER, I ATTENDED
A LAW ENFORCEMENT HALLOWEEN
PARTY DRESSED AS RUTHLESS
DRUG KINGPIN BIG MEECH FLENNERY.
I DID IT TO DISPARAGE A CRIMINAL
WHOSE ACTIONS HURT OUR COMMUNITY
AND COUNTRY.
THAT WAS A DIFFERENT TIME.
>> John: WOW.
FOR THE RECORD AS WELL, THE
DIFFERENT TIME HE'S TALKING
ABOUT WAS 10 YEARS AGO, WHEN
BLACK FACE WAS STILL WIDELY
CONSIDERED ‐‐ AND THIS IS
TRUE ‐‐ BAD.
AND ONCE IN OFFICE, SHERIFFS
HOLD MUCH MORE POWER THAN YOU
MAY REALIZE.
SO WITH OVER 1,000 SHERIFF
ELECTIONS THIS YEAR, POSSIBLY
WHERE YOU LIVE, WE THOUGHT
TONIGHT MIGHT BE A GOOD TIME TO
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS JOB.
AND LET'S START WITH THE FACT
THAT, IN MOST STATES, SHERIFFS'
DUTIES ARE ENSHRINED IN THE
STATE CONSTITUTION, MEANING THAT
THEIR JOB DESCRIPTION CAN HAVE A
CERTAIN OLD‐TIMEY FLAVOR.
FOR INSTANCE, IN MANY PLACES,
SHERIFFS CAN STILL TECHNICALLY
FORM A POSSE, MEANING THAT THEY
CAN ENLIST VOLUNTEERS TO HELP
WITH "TASKS RANGING FROM
PROVIDING SECURITY TO PURSUING
FUGITIVES," AND THOSE POSSE
MEMBERS CAN BE BASICALLY ANYONE,
WHICH IS HOW THIS ACTUAL
SCHOOL SHOOTING DRILL CAME TO
INCLUDE AN ARGUABLY FAMOUS FACE.
>> THIS IS EVERY PARENT'S WORST
NIGHTMARE.
>> GET ON THE GROUND.
DO IT NOW.
>> FACE DOWN.
GET ON THE GROUND.
>> THESE MEN ARE LEARNING HOW TO
FIGHT THE NEXT SCHOOL SHOOTER.
>> YOU CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG!
>> AND ODDLY ENOUGH, THEIR COACH
IS 1990s ACTION FILM LEGEND
STEVEN SEAGAL.
>> FOR EVERY SECOND THAT GOES
BY, I TOLD YOU THAT YOU COULD
HAVE DEAD CHILDREN.
>> John: YEAH, THAT'S DEPUTY
STEVEN SEAGAL.
AND WATCHING STEVEN SEAGAL
CONDUCT AN ACTIVE SHOOTER DRILL
WHILE DISCUSSING DEAD CHILDREN
IS A LOT LIKE LOOKING AT
A PICTURE OF STEVEN SEAGAL'S
CURRENT HAIR: YOU IMMEDIATELY
THINK TO YOURSELF, "THIS IS
HIGHLY UNUSUAL AND UPSETTINGLY
DARK."
STILL, ONE OF THE GREATEST
POWERS SHERIFFS HAVE IS TO SET
LAW ENFORCEMENT PRIORITIES IN
THEIR COUNTY.
AND THAT'S NOT ENTIRELY A BAD
THING.
SOME SHERIFFS HAVE ADVANCED
GENUINELY PROGRESSIVE IDEAS,
LIKE DE‐PRIORITIZING LOW‐LEVEL
DRUG OFFENSES OR, IN THE CASE OF
ONE TEXAS SHERIFF, FIGHTING HARD
FOR BAIL REFORM:
>> 75% OF OUR POPULATION, ON
AVERAGE, OF THE 8300 THAT WE
HAVE, IS THERE SIMPLY BECAUSE
THEY'RE PRE‐TRIAL DETAINEES AND
MANY ARE JUST SIMPLY TOO POOR TO
PAY ‐‐ MANY NON‐VIOLENT
OFFENDERS.
I THINK WE NEED TO FIND A WAY TO
MAKE SURE THAT THEY CAN STAY
WITH THEIR FAMILIES, BE HELD
ACCOUNTABLE STILL.
BUT NO ONE CAN BE HELD IN JAIL
SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO POOR
TO PAY.
>> John: HE'S RIGHT.
THAT'S FANTASTIC.
HE'S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
AND HEARING SOMEONE IN UNIFORM
SAY THAT IS GENUINELY WEIRD, BUT
A GOOD WEIRD, YOU KNOW, LIKE
EATING A BACON DONUT, OR
SEEING HOW DOGS WALK WHEN THEY
WEAR SHOES FOR THE FIRST TIME.
>> GO GET THE BALL.
>> COME ON!
>> John: EXACTLY.
WEIRD BUT GOOD.
AND BY THE WAY, THAT SHERIFF'S
NOT JUST TALK ‐‐ HE IMPLEMENTED
A "CITE‐AND‐RELEASE" PROGRAM FOR
LOW‐LEVEL OFFENSES RATHER THAN
BOOKING PEOPLE INTO JAILS.
WHICH IS GREAT.
BUT OBVIOUSLY, SHERIFFS CAN ALSO
GO HARD THE OTHER WAY.
SHERIFF JOE FAMOUSLY PRIORITIZED
IMMIGRATION ENFORCEMENT TO THE
DETRIMENT OF OTHER CONCERNS,
LIKE INVESTIGATING SEXUAL
ASSAULT.
AND SHERIFF RICHARD JONES IN
BUTLER COUNTY, OHIO, HAS REFUSED
TO ALLOW HIS DEPUTIES TO CARRY
NARCAN TO RESCUE PEOPLE
MID‐OVERDOSE, WHICH IS AN
INCREDIBLE POLICY TO ADOPT IN A
PLACE WHERE OVERDOSES HAVE BEEN
KILLING MORE PEOPLE THAN ALL
OTHER CAUSES OF DEATH COMBINED.
JONES HAS ARGUED IT'S UNSAFE FOR
HIS OFFICERS TO HELP REVIVE
PEOPLE, BUT THE MORE HE TALKS,
THE LESS IT SEEMS HE THINKS
THOSE PEOPLE ARE WORTH REVIVING
AT ALL.
>> I'M NOT ADVOCATING THAT
PEOPLE DIE, BUT I'M NOT
ADVOCATING THAT THE POLICE, THIS
IS THEIR JOB.
AND I UNDERSTAND PEOPLE THAT SAY
IT'S A DISEASE, I DON'T KNOW
THAT I BELIEVE IT'S A DISEASE.
SOME PEOPLE WILL EQUATE IT LIKE
PEOPLE THAT HAVE CANCER AND I
SAY IT'S NOT.
PEOPLE DON'T CHOOSE TO HAVE
CANCER.
AND THE PEOPLE WITH CANCER
AREN'T STEALING MY AIR
CONDITIONS AND AREN'T STEALING
THE COPPER OUT OF PEOPLE'S
HOUSES AND RIPPING THE WIRES
OUT.
>> John: LOOK, THAT IS CLEARLY
OFFENSIVE.
AND NOT JUST TO THOSE DEALING
WITH ADDICTION, BUT TO PEOPLE
WITH CANCER.
YOU THINK THAT THEY DON'T HAVE
THE ABILITY TO STEAL COPPER?
PEOPLE WITH CANCER CAN GRIP IT,
RIP IT, AND STRIP IT WITH THE
BEST METAL THIEVES OUT THERE.
IN FACT, CANCER PATIENTS HAVE
BEEN SOME OF THE BEST
FIVE‐FINGER COPPER SHOPPERS I
PERSONALLY KNOW.
BUT PERHAPS THE MOST SIGNIFICANT
DUTY OF A SHERIFF IS THAT, IN
MOST PLACES, THEY'RE THE ONES
OPERATING THE LOCAL JAIL, AND
THEY CAN HAVE A TON OF LEEWAY
OVER HOW TO DO THAT.
UP UNTIL JUST LAST YEAR, IN
ALABAMA, SHERIFFS WERE LEGALLY
ALLOWED TO PERSONALLY POCKET ANY
LEFTOVER MONEY DESIGNATED TO
FEED PRISONERS, GIVING THEM A
PRETTY STRONG INCENTIVE TO SKIMP
ON INMATE FOOD, WHICH HAPPENED.
THE MOST SPECTACULAR EXAMPLE OF
THIS WAS SHERIFF TODD ENTREKIN
OF ETOWAH COUNTY.
OVER THE YEARS, THERE HAD BEEN
ACCUSATIONS OF PROBLEMS WITH THE
QUALITY AND QUANTITY OF FOOD IN
HIS JAILS.
AND WHILE HE DENIED THOSE
ALLEGATIONS, TWO YEARS AGO, IT
EMERGED THAT HE'D BOUGHT
A $740,000 BEACH HOUSE, AND IF
THAT SEEMS LIKE A SUSPICIOUSLY
LARGE PURCHASE FOR SOMEONE WITH
HIS SALARY, THIS PROBABLY WON'T
SURPRISE YOU.
>> OVER THE LAST THREE YEARS,
THE SHERIFF'S FOOD PROGRAM HAS
RUN UNDER BUDGET, LETTING HIM
POCKET THE LEFTOVERS.
$750,000 ‐‐ ALL OF IT TAXPAYER
MONEY.
DO YOU AGREE THAT THE OPTICS OF
THIS ARE TERRIBLE?
>> THE OPTICS, YES.
BUT I CAN'T ‐‐ I CAN'T CHANGE
THE OPTICS ‐‐ OPTICS.
>> John: "OH, YEAH, I WOULD LOVE
FOR THE OPTICS TO CHANGE.
I MEAN, I WANT TO KEEP DOING
WHAT I'M DOING, I JUST WISH IT
WOULD LOOK BETTER WHEN I DID IT.
PICTURE ME WITH SUNGLASSES AND A
COOL JACKET.
ARE THE OPTICS BETTER?
I LIKE THESE BETTER."
AND BAD JAIL CONDITIONS
OBVIOUSLY DON'T STOP AT FOOD.
TAKE SHERIFF GREG AHERN OF
ALAMEDA COUNTY, CALIFORNIA.
MORE THAN 40 INMATES HAVE
DIED IN HIS JAILS IN THE PAST
FIVE YEARS, AND AT LEAST
29 FEMALE INMATES HAVE SUED
AHERN OVER CONDITIONS AND
TREATMENT, WITH ALLEGATIONS
RANGING FROM BEING PUT IN A CELL
WITH FECES AND BLOOD ON THE
WALLS TO A WOMAN WHO SAYS SHE
SCREAMED FOR HOURS AS SHE GAVE
BIRTH ALONE IN AN ISOLATION
CELL.
NOW, THE SHERIFF HAS DEFENDED
HIS FACILITIES AND DISPUTED
THOSE ALLEGATIONS, THOUGH NOT IN
A PARTICULARLY CONVINCING WAY.
>> WHEN YOU HEAR PEOPLE SAY,
"THERE WAS FECES ON THE WALL,
BLOOD EVERYWHERE, AND TAMPONS
STUCK EVERYWHERE," DOES THAT
MAKE YOU ANGRY?
>> YOU MEAN THE PEOPLE THAT ARE
IN CUSTODY FOR MURDER, RAPE,
ROBBERY, WHO HAVE LIED THEIR
ENTIRE LIFE, AND THEY MAKE
THINGS UP HABITUALLY?
>> John: OKAY, HOLD ON.
HOLD ON.
FIRST, THE TWO WOMEN WHO MADE
THOSE CLAIMS WERE NOT MURDERERS
OR ROBBERS.
THEY WERE ACTUALLY IN THERE ON
MINOR CHARGES, ALL OF WHICH WERE
DROPPED.
SECOND, EVEN IF THEY WERE
MURDERERS, THEY SHOULD BE
TREATED HUMANELY.
AND THIRD, HOW DO YOU WHIFF ON
THE QUESTION, "THERE WAS FECES
ON THE WALL, BLOOD EVERYWHERE,
DOES THAT MAKE YOU ANGRY?"
THAT IS ONE OF THE EASIER
QUESTIONS, LIKE "IS CAKE GOOD"
OR "IS THIS A FUCKABLE HORSE?"
THE ANSWER IS "YES."
IT'S OBVIOUSLY "YES," RIGHT?
LOOK AT ME.
"YES."
AND AT THIS POINT, YOU MIGHT BE
WONDERING: "HOW CAN SHERIFFS BE
REINED IN?"
THE PROBLEM IS, IT'S VERY
DIFFICULT.
WHILE POLICE CHIEFS CAN BE HIRED
OR FIRED, REMOVING A SHERIFF
BETWEEN ELECTIONS IS ALMOST
IMPOSSIBLE.
IT GENERALLY REQUIRES A CRIMINAL
CONVICTION, INTERVENTION FROM
STATE GOVERNMENT, OR A RECALL
VOTE, AND THOSE ARE VERY RARELY
SUCCESSFUL.
SO SHERIFFS OPERATE WITH A LOT
OF IMPUNITY AND CAN GET PRETTY
BELLIGERENT IF ANYONE QUESTIONS
THEM.
REMEMBER KENNEY BOONE, THE
SHERIFF WHO HATED DRUGS BUT
LOVED YELLING AT FAKE CHILD
FUNERALS?
WELL, WHEN THE COUNTY FINANCE
DIRECTOR STARTED ASKING
QUESTIONS ABOUT HIS SPENDING,
BOONE DID NOT TAKE IT WELL.
>> KEVIN, KENNEY BOONE AGAIN.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR DEAL IS
PUTTING YOUR NOSE IN OTHER
PEOPLE'S BUSINESS, NOW ALL OF A
SUDDEN YOU WANT TO QUESTION
THINGS THAT I DO?
YOU LITTLE NERDY, UH,
INTELLIGENT BASTARD.
I'M TELLING YOU, PAYBACK'S GONNA
BE HELL, I PROMISE YOU.
THANK YOU.
>> John: YES!
YES, KENNEY, THAT'S FANTASTIC!
I'D GIVE ANYTHING TO HEAR THE
NEXT VOICEMAIL HE LEFT FOR THAT
GUY.
"HEY, KENNEY AGAIN, IGNORE THAT
LAST MESSAGE, I JUST WANTED TO
SAY, YOU'RE A BASTARD.
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE
INTELLIGENT, I THINK YOU'RE A
NERDY, DORKY, UH...
INSIGHTFUL INDIVIDUAL.
DAMN IT!
I BLEW IT AGAIN!
IGNORE THIS CALL TOO.
SPEAK TO YOU SOON.
TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT DRUGS,
LOVE YOU, BYE.
GOD DAMN IT, KENNEY!"
NOW, YOU SHOULD KNOW,
WE REACHED OUT TO KENNEY BOONE'S
LAWYER LAST WEEK, AND THEY SAID
THEY DISPUTE THE AUTHENTICITY OF
THAT VOICEMAIL.
YOU KNOW, THE ONE WHERE HE
SAYS HE'S KENNEY BOONE.
WHILE SOUNDING EXACTLY LIKE
KENNEY BOONE.
NOW, IDEALLY WE'D HAVE DISCUSSED
THIS DIFFERENCE OF OPINION WITH
KENNEY BOONE HIMSELF, BUT HE
WASN'T AVAILABLE BECAUSE ‐‐
FUN FACT ‐‐ HE'S IN JAIL RIGHT
NOW.
HE RECENTLY PLEADED GUILTY TO
FELONY EMBEZZLEMENT.
WHICH ACTUALLY REMINDS ME:
TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT FELONY
EMBEZZLEMENT!
THE POINT IS, THE POINT HERE IS,
TOO OFTEN, SHERIFFS ARE THE LAW
WHEREVER THEY LIVE.
AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING,
"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO MY
SHERIFF IS ‐‐ DO I HAVE A BAD
ONE?"
THE VERY FACT THAT YOU'RE ASKING
THAT IS KIND OF THE PROBLEM
HERE.
BECAUSE SHERIFF ELECTIONS, LIKE
MOST DOWN‐BALLOT ELECTIONS, DO
NOT RECEIVE NEARLY ENOUGH
ATTENTION AND OFTEN THEY AREN'T
EVEN COMPETITIVE.
IN 2018, 59% OF ALL SHERIFF
RACES WERE UNOPPOSED.
IN FACT, REMEMBER SHERIFF AHERN,
WITH THE NIGHTMARISH‐SOUNDING
JAIL?
HE'S BEEN UNOPPOSED FOR THE LAST
FOUR ELECTION CYCLES.
AS FOR SHERIFF "NO NARCAN,"
UNLESS SOMEONE STEPS UP TO
CHALLENGE HIM, HE WILL BE
UNOPPOSED WHEN HE RUNS FOR
REELECTION LATER THIS YEAR.
AND LOOK, RUNNING AGAINST AN
INCUMBENT SHERIFF IS NOT EASY.
THEIR OWN EMPLOYEES ARE OFTEN
LOATHE TO TAKE THEM ON, FEARING
RETRIBUTIONS, BECAUSE, AS YOU'VE
SEEN TONIGHT, THEY ARE VERY
POWERFUL.
BUT THAT CAN'T BE ALLOWED TO
CONTINUE.
THANKFULLY, THE SAME CRIMINAL
JUSTICE REFORM MOVEMENT THAT'S
BEEN PUTTING A SPOTLIGHT ON
DISTRICT ATTORNEYS' RACES IS NOW
INCREASINGLY FOCUSING ON
SHERIFFS' RACES TOO.
AND THAT IS NOT A MOMENT TOO
SOON, BECAUSE RIGHT NOW, WE HAVE
A POSITION THAT HAS A TREMENDOUS
AMOUNT OF AUTHORITY WITH LOW
ACCOUNTABILITY WHICH IS ALWAYS
AN INEVITABLE RECIPE FOR
DISASTER.
SO IF THERE IS A SHERIFFS RACE
IN YOUR AREA THIS YEAR, NOW
WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO START
GOOGLING "WHO THE FUCK IS MY
SHERIFF?" AND LEARNING ABOUT
THEM.
OTHERWISE, YOU MIGHT WELL WIND
UP SEEING A CAMPAIGN AD LIKE
THIS:
♪ ♪
>> HI, I'M SCOTT WILKERSON,
CANDIDATE FOR SHERIFF.
IT'S BEEN MY HONOR TO SERVE THE
PEOPLE OF THIS COUNTY, AND I
HOPE YOU'LL REELECT ME AS YOUR
SHERIFF, BUT BEFORE MY CAMPAIGN
BEGINS, I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU
SOME THINGS OTHER POLITICIANS
MIGHT TRY TO HIDE.
I DRINK A LOT.
I OFTEN DRIVE WHILE DRUNK.
I HAVE WHAT MY THERAPIST CALLS A
HAIR‐TRIGGER TEMPER.
>> I DON'T LIKE YOUR ATTITUDE!
>> AND AS A YOUNGER MAN, I DID
WORK AS A HITLER IMPERSONATOR AT
BIRTHDAY PARTIES, QUICIENERAS,
AND ONE DISASTROUS BAT MITZVAH.
IT WAS A DIFFERENT TIME.
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.
I SPENT MUCH OF THE '90s
TRYING, WITHOUT SUCCESS, TO
ASSASSINATE THAT LITTLE DOG FROM
"FRASIER."
I HAVE DABBLED IN WHAT YOU WOULD
CALL LIGHT CANNIBALISM.
I HAVE NEVER SEEN A FROG AND NOT
KILLED IT.
IN 2009, I CONTRACTED THE H1N1
VIRUS, BETTER KNOWN AS
SWINE FLU, AND THEN DROVE TO
EVERY SIZZLER'S STEAK HOUSE IN
THE STATE, LICKED MY FINGERS,
AND DIPPED THEM IN THE
SALAD BAR.
WHY DID I DO THIS?
WELL, I LOVE SIZZLER.
BUT BEYOND THAT, I ‐‐ I DO NOT
KNOW.
I CANNOT TELL YOU WHY.
WHENEVER THERE IS A COMPUTER IN
FRONT OF ME, I GO TO THE
WIKIPEDIA PAGE FOR THE ARMENIAN
GENOCIDE AND JUST SORT OF TONE
IT DOWN A BIT.
I DON'T THINK IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
I JUST THINK PEOPLE ARE
EXAGGERATING.
I CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR
ZUCCHINI NOODLES.
IN EVERY SINGLE HOTEL ROOM I
HAVE EVER STAYED IN, I HAVE
LICKED THE PHONE, EAR PART AND
MOUTH PART.
THAT IS BOTH PARTS.
I GIVE BLACK PEOPLE DIFFERENT
HANDSHAKES THAN I DO WHITE
PEOPLE, WHETHER THEY WANT IT OR
NOT.
WHAT ELSE?
THAT'S, UH ‐‐ OH, YEAH.
I ALSO FUCKED THIS HORSE.
I THINK IT'S OKAY 'CAUSE I
TRAVELED OUT OF STATE TO DO IT.
IT WASN'T, LIKE, A LOCAL HORSE
OR ANYTHING.
I HOPE THAT, WITH THESE
CONFESSIONS, I HAVE EARNED YOUR
TRUST.
IT'S BEEN AN HONOR TO SERVE YOU
AS SHERIFF FOR THE PAST 42
YEARS.
SO VOTE SHERIFF WILKERSON WHEN
YOU GO TO THE POLLS ON
NOVEMBER 3RD, 2020.
IT'S NOT LIKE YOU HAVE A CHOICE,
BECAUSE I'M RUNNING UNOPPOSED.
SO SEE YOU ON THE STREETS,
SHITHEADS!
[LAUGHS]
I'M DANGEROUS!
>> John: THAT'S OUR SHOW.
THANKS SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
GOOD NIGHT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
>> GET THEM FISH DRUNK.
ENJOY YOURSELVES MY FINE FINNED
FRIENDS.
I MIGHT TRY AND CATCH A DOCK
TODAY.
HA, FUCK YOU, FROG.