♪ ♪
>> John: HI THERE!
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
STILL COMING TO YOU FROM THIS
BLANK VOID, WHICH I DON'T THINK
IS PURGATORY, BUT I CAN'T PROVE
OTHERWISE.
AND WE'RE GOING TO JUMP STRAIGHT
IN WITH OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT,
WHICH UNFORTUNATELY, FOR THE
SECOND WEEK IN A ROW, CONCERNS
THE ELECTION WE JUST HAD.
AND BELIEVE ME, I'M JUST AS
DISAPPOINTED AS YOU ABOUT THAT.
I'D MUCH RATHER SPEND TONIGHT
TALKING ABOUT THIS RARE TURTLE
FOUND IN WEST BENGAL.
LOOK HOW YELLOW IT IS!
IT LOOKS LIKE IT GOT INTO SOME
TROUBLE WITH THE TURTLE MAFIA
AND IS NOW TRYING TO DISGUISE
ITSELF AS A PEANUT M&M.
IT LOOKS LIKE IT WENT TO A
COSTUME PARTY DRESSED AS "THE
LESS HEALTHY PART OF THE EGG."
ACCORDING TO EXPERTS, "THE RARE
COLOR OF THE TURTLE IS
ATTRIBUTED TO THE DEFICIENCY OF
PIGMENT CALLED TYROSINE," BUT
ACCORDING TO ME, YOU CAN GO
AHEAD AND DROP THAT LITTLE
FACTOID IN A FILE LABELED "WHO
GIVES A SHIT" BECAUSE LOOK AT
HOW FUCKING YELLOW THAT TURTLE
IS!
WE COULD'VE DONE THIS WHOLE SHOW
ABOUT THIS SHINY, CHEDDAR CHEESE
MISTAKE, BUT INSTEAD, WE HAVE TO
TALK ABOUT THIS ASSHOLE.
BECAUSE IN NORMAL TIMES, THE
LOSER OF A PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION
WOULD SIMPLY ACKNOWLEDGE THEY
LOST AND THE COUNTRY WOULD GET
TO MOVE ON.
BUT AS OF OUR TAPING ON
SATURDAY, A FULL WEEK AFTER THE
ELECTION WAS CALLED, TRUMP IS
STILL REFUSING TO CONCEDE THE
ELECTION.
AND WHILE THAT'S NOT REMOTELY
SURPRISING, WHAT HAS BEEN
DISAPPOINTING HAS BEEN THIS
SHIT.
>> SECRETARY OF STATE MIKE
POMPEO SENT SHOCK WAVES WHEN HE
APPEARED TO DISMISS THE ELECTION
RESULTS.
>> THERE WILL BE A SMOOTH
TRANSITION TO A SECOND TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION.
WE ARE READY.
>> John: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT, YOU BUSINESS
GRIMACE?
YOU'RE THE SECRETARY OF STATE.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FORCEFULLY
DENOUNCE COUPS AND LOOK THE
OTHER WAY IF THE CIA DOES ONE IN
CENTRAL OR SOUTH AMERICA.
THAT'S LITERALLY YOUR WHOLE JOB.
AND WHILE SOME HAVE SUGGESTED
POMPEO WAS JOKING THERE, HE ALSO
HASN'T YET ACKNOWLEDGED THAT
BIDEN IS PRESIDENT-ELECT.
NOR HAVE MOST REPUBLICANS.
MITCH McCONNELL NOT ONLY CLAIMED
TRUMP IS "100% WITHIN HIS
RIGHTS" TO CHALLENGE THE
ELECTION RESULTS, HE WENT ON TO
SAY THIS:
>> LET'S NOT HAVE ANY LECTURES,
NO LECTURES, ABOUT HOW THE
PRESIDENT SHOULD IMMEDIATELY,
CHEERFULLY ACCEPT PRELIMINARY
ELECTION RESULTS FROM THE SAME
CHARACTERS WHO JUST SPENT FOUR
YEARS REFUSING TO ACCEPT THE
VALIDITY OF THE LAST ELECTION.
>> John: OKAY, FIRST: NO ONE
EXPECTED TRUMP TO "IMMEDIATELY,
CHEERFULLY ACCEPT" THE RESULTS.
HE'S INCAPABLE OF CHEERFULLY
ACCEPTING ANYTHING APART FROM
BLOWJOBS, NAZI ENDORSEMENTS, AND
THE OPPORTUNITY TO SCREAM INSIDE
A STRANGER'S TRUCK.
WHOSE TRUCK IS THAT?
I'LL TELL YOU WHO DEFINITELY
DOESN'T CARE: THIS GUY.
IT'S HIS TRUCK NOW.
HONK HONK!
AND SECOND, WHILE THERE WERE
SOME ON THE LEFT IN 2016 WHO
URGED FIGHTING THE RESULTS,
HILLARY FORMALLY CONCEDED THE
DAY AFTER THE ELECTION, AND
OBAMA HAD TRUMP IN THE WHITE
HOUSE THE DAY AFTER THAT.
AND YET, REPUBLICANS ARE TRYING
TO DEFEND THEIR SUPPORT FOR
TRUMP'S INDEFENSIBLE BEHAVIOR,
WITH ONE SENIOR OFFICIAL SAYING,
"WHAT IS THE DOWNSIDE OF
HUMORING HIM FOR THIS LITTLE BIT
OF TIME?"
A QUESTION THAT NEVER ENDS WELL,
WHETHER THE ONES ASKING IT ARE
OVERWORKED PARENTS WHO NEED A
BREAK OR THE WEIMAR REPUBLIC.
SO TONIGHT, LET'S LOOK AT JUST
HOW WEAK TRUMP'S CASE FOR
OVERTURNING THIS ELECTION IS AND
WHAT REAL HARM HUMORING HIM WILL
DO.
AND LET'S START WITH THE CASE
ITSELF, BECAUSE THERE ARE LOTS
OF ACCUSATIONS AND LAWSUITS
FLYING AROUND, AND IF YOU'RE A
CASUAL VIEWER OF RIGHT-WING
MEDIA, YOU MIGHT THINK, "WELL,
THERE MUST BE SOMETHING HERE.
THEY WOULDN'T BE GOING TO ALL
THIS TROUBLE OVER NOTHING."
BUT THE THING IS, THEY ARE.
THIS REALLY IS NOTHING.
AND LET'S START WITH THE
FREQUENTLY MADE CLAIM ABOUT DEAD
VOTERS.
IF YOUR UNCLE IS A NIGHTMARE AND
YOU'RE STILL FRIENDS ON
FACEBOOK, YOU MIGHT'VE SEEN THIS
POST CLAIMING THERE WAS A LIST
OF 14,000 DEAD PEOPLE WHO VOTED
IN MICHIGAN.
BUT WHEN CNN PICKED OUT 50 OF
THOSE NAMES TO DO A SPOT CHECK,
THEY DISCOVERED 37 WERE DEAD AND
HADN'T CAST VOTES, 5 HAD VOTED
BUT WERE STILL ALIVE, AND 8 WERE
ALIVE BUT HADN'T VOTED, MEANING
EXACTLY ZERO WERE DEAD PEOPLE
WHO VOTED.
AND YES, THAT IS JUST A SAMPLE,
BUT IF YOU WERE AT AN OREO
FACTORY AND 50 OUT OF 50 OREOS
YOU PICKED OFF THE LINE WERE
JUST TWO RATS SQUISHED AROUND A
USED CONDOM, YOU MIGHT WELL NOT
RISK TRUSTING THE NEXT COOKIE
THAT COMES PAST YOU.
THE CLAIM OF DEAD PEOPLE VOTING
WAS ALSO ADVANCED BY
TUCKER CARLSON, AN '80s
SKI BULLY WHO JUST LOST THE BIG
RACE, AND HE WENT IN BIG ON ONE
EXAMPLE IN PARTICULAR.
>> IN SOME WAYS, IT'S AN
INSPIRING STORY.
THE TRIUMPH OF VOTING OVER
DEATH.
AND NO ONE QUITE EMBODIES THAT
STORY LIKE JAMES BLALOCK OF
COVINGTON, GEORGIA.
MR. BLALOCK WAS A MAILMAN FOR
33 YEARS UNTIL HE PASSED AWAY
IN 2006.
14 YEARS LATER, ACCORDING TO
STATE RECORDS, HE WAS STILL
MAILING THINGS.
JAMES BLALOCK CAST A BALLOT IN
LAST WEEK'S ELECTION.
HOW DID HE DO THAT?
>> John: OOH, THAT'S AN
EXCELLENT QUESTION, YOU WAITER'S
NIGHTMARE.
NOW THAT SEGMENT GOT PICKED UP
AND CIRCULATED BY, AMONG OTHERS,
MATT GAETZ AND THE TRUMP
CAMPAIGN ITSELF.
AND IT DOES MAKE YOU WONDER: HOW
DID THAT DEAD MAN VOTE?
MAYBE HIS WIDOW HAS AN ANSWER.
>> HE DIDN'T VOTE.
>> IT WAS YOU!
>> IT WAS ME.
>> AGNES BLALOCK VOTED USING HER
MARRIED NAME, NEWTON COUNTY
CONFIRMED.
HER VOTER REGISTRATION WAS
SIGNED AS "MRS. JAMES E. BLALOCK
JR."
AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW SHE
SIGNED HER NAME WHEN SHE VOTED
IN THE NOVEMBER 3RD GENERAL
ELECTION.
>> WHO DID YOU VOTE FOR?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHARE THAT.
>> I VOTED FOR THE DEMOCRATS,
FOR BIDEN.
>> I SEE.
AND SO --
>> I GUESS I VOTED AGAINST THE
OTHER ONE, REALLY.
>> John: OKAY, SO THE CLAIM WAS
BULLSHIT.
HE DIDN'T VOTE; SHE DID.
AND, BY THE WAY, NOT SO MUCH FOR
BIDEN AS AGAINST THE OTHER ONE,
MEANING THAT THIS 96-YEAR-OLD'S
APPROACH TO THE ELECTION WAS THE
PRETTY MUCH THE SAME AS THAT OF
20-YEAR-OLD PROGRESSIVES.
I WONDER WHAT ELSE DO THEY HAVE
IN COMMON?
DOES SHE ALSO HAVE A COLLECTION
OF DANK MEMES AND SPEND FIVE
HOURS A DAY CALLING BILL DE
BLASIO A BITCH ON TWITTER?
I REALLY HOPE SO.
THEN THERE WERE CLAIMS FROM
NUMEROUS SUPPOSED
WHISTLEBLOWERS.
IN FACT, LINDSEY GRAHAM,
LESLIE JORDAN'S ABSOLUTE WORST
CHARACTER, SENT A LETTER TO THE
DOJ ASKING THEM TO INVESTIGATE
PARTICULAR CLAIMS BY A POSTAL
WORKER IN ERIE, PENNSYLVANIA,
WHO SAID IN AN AFFIDAVIT
THAT POSTMARKS WERE BEING
BACKDATED ON MAIL-IN BALLOTS TO
MAKE IT APPEAR AS THOUGH THEY'D
BEEN COLLECTED ON ELECTION DAY.
UNFORTUNATELY FOR GRAHAM, THAT
MAN LATER RECANTED THOSE CLAIMS
IN THE AFFIDAVIT,
WHEN TALKING TO INVESTIGATORS,
AND WHILE HE'S NOW INSISTING HE
STANDS BY IT, THE REALLY
IMPORTANT THING TO KNOW IS, THE
TOTAL NUMBER OF BALLOTS FROM HIS
POST OFFICE THAT WERE POSTMARKED
NOVEMBER 3RD AND DELIVERED TO
THE BOARD OF ELECTIONS LATER --
SO, THE MAXIMUM NUMBER THAT
COULD HAVE HAD THEIR DATE
CHANGED -- WAS TWO.
WHICH IS, AND THIS IS TRUE, NOT
THE NUMBER OF VOTES JOE BIDEN
WON PENNSYLVANIA BY.
BUT PERHAPS THE STRANGEST
WHISTLEBLOWER ACCUSATION
INVOLVED A POLL WORKER IN
NEVADA, WHO FOX GAVE A PRIMETIME
SLOT TO MAKE HER CLAIMS.
>> I WENT OUT TO GO FOR A WALK
ON MY BREAK AND I PROBABLY HAD A
150-, 175-FOOT STRETCH WHERE I
WAS WALKING.
>> John: SORRY.
I REALLY SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED:
THEY DISGUISED HER IDENTITY
BY MAKING HER SOUND LIKE
MEGAN MULLALLY
UNDERGOING AN EXORCISM.
BUT I'LL LET HER CONTINUE --
BASICALLY, SHE CLAIMS SHE SAW A
BIDEN-HARRIS CAMPAIGN VAN
OUTSIDE THE POLLING PLACE WITH
PEOPLE HANDLING WHITE ENVELOPES.
GO.
>> AS I GOT CLOSER, THE
ENVELOPES WERE BEING TORN OPEN,
THERE WERE TWO MEN -- OR TWO
PEOPLE DROPPING THE ENVELOPES,
AND TWO PEOPLE RIPPING THEM UP
OPEN AND TURNING AND FACING THE
VAN AND DRAWING ON THEM OR
MARKING THEM.
AND AS I WALKED BY, I LOOKED AND
I THOUGHT, "THOSE ARE BALLOTS."
>> John: OKAY, I'M JUST GOING TO
SAY IT: THAT'S EITHER BULLSHIT
OR THE DUMBEST SCHEME OF ALL
TIME.
THE BIDEN-HARRIS CAMPAIGN OPENED
ENVELOPES AND MARKED BALLOTS IN
THE PARKING LOT OF A POLLING
PLACE IN BROAD DAYLIGHT AGAINST
THE SIDE OF A VAN WHICH HAD
THEIR LOGO ON IT.
THAT IS LIKE IF, IN
"OCEAN'S ELEVEN," THEY SHOWED UP
TO THE CASINO IN A GIANT "DANNY
OCEAN ROBBERY SERVICE" VAN AND
SLOWLY PUT ON THEIR DISGUISES IN
THE LOBBY.
IT'S THE PERFECT CRIME!
ALSO, THAT WOMAN HASN'T YET
FILED A FORMAL COMPLAINT.
ACCORDING TO THE NEVADA A.G.'S
OFFICE, ALL THEY'VE RECEIVED IS
A REDACTED AFFIDAVIT THAT
DOESN'T CONTAIN HER NAME,
SIGNATURE, OR CONTACT
INFORMATION, MEANING THEY HAVE
NO WAY TO BEGIN A PROPER
INVESTIGATION.
AND THAT HAS BEEN SOMETHING OF A
PATTERN HERE: THE TRUMP TEAM
MAKING CLAIMS OF WIDESPREAD
FRAUD, PUBLICLY, BUT THERE THEN
BEING A HUGE DROPOFF WHEN IT
COMES TO WHAT THEY ACTUALLY FILE
IN COURT.
IN MICHIGAN, THEY SUBMITTED A
LAWSUIT WITH 234 PAGES OF
AFFIDAVITS FROM POLL WATCHERS,
BUT THOSE WHO ACTUALLY READ THEM
FOUND THAT THEY DO NOT SHOW
PROOF OF WIDESPREAD FRAUD OR
EGREGIOUS MISCONDUCT.
INSTEAD, THEY'RE EITHER
ALLEGATIONS FROM PEOPLE WHO
DON'T SEEM TO FULLY UNDERSTAND
HOW THE VOTE-COUNTING PROCESS
WORKS, SO ARE QUESTIONING PRETTY
COMMONPLACE THINGS, OR THEY ARE
PETTY BULLSHIT LIKE COMPLAINING
PEOPLE INSIDE THE COUNTING ROOM
WERE WEARING "BLACK LIVES
MATTER" SHIRTS OR THAT ELECTION
WORKERS WERE OPENING BALLOTS
WITH DONALD TRUMP VOTES AND
ROLLING THEIR EYES.
NEITHER OF WHICH ARE ILLEGAL!
AND IF IT HELPS HERE, LET ME
JUST HEAD OFF ANY FUTURE TRUMP
CAMPAIGN LAWSUITS: A POLL WORKER
EATING A BANANA IS NOT EVIDENCE
OF VOTER FRAUD.
ONE HUMMING THE CHORUS OF
"UPTOWN GIRL" IS NOT EVIDENCE OF
VOTER FRAUD.
NOW, WEARING A BASEBALL CAP
COULD BE EVIDENCE OF VOTER
FRAUD, BUT ONLY IF THE PERSON
WEARING IT IS PUTTING VALID
VOTES INTO A PAPER SHREDDER.
IF IT'S JUST THE HAT PART, THAT,
AGAIN, IS NOT EVIDENCE OF VOTER
FRAUD.
AND LOOK, I COULD SPEND THE REST
OF THE SHOW DEBUNKING STORIES.
THE PROBLEM IS, IT'S ENDLESS.
THE LATEST CLAIM IS THAT VOTING
MACHINES OR SOFTWARE CHANGED
VOTES, EVEN THOUGH THIS
GOVERNMENT CYBERSECURITY AGENCY
-- CREATED BY AN ACT THAT TRUMP
HIMSELF SIGNED -- RELEASED A
STATEMENT SAYING, "THERE IS NO
EVIDENCE THAT ANY VOTING SYSTEM
DELETED OR LOST VOTES, CHANGED
VOTES, OR WAS IN ANY WAY
COMPROMISED," AND THAT "THE
NOVEMBER 3RD ELECTION WAS THE
MOST SECURE IN AMERICAN
HISTORY."
IN FACT, AS OF THIS TAPING, ONE
OF THE FEW SEEMINGLY LEGITIMATE
CASES AGAINST ANYONE FOR VOTER
FRAUD THIS YEAR HAS BEEN THIS:
>> LUZERNE COUNTY OFFICIALS SAY,
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 30 YEARS,
THERE HAS BEEN A VOTER FRAUD
ARREST.
COUNTY DETECTIVES SAY
ROBERT LYNN OF FORTY FORT SIGNED
HIS DECEASED MOTHER'S NAME ON AN
ABSENTEE BALLOT APPLICATION, AND
THAT'S A CRIME.
LYNN IS A REGISTERED REPUBLICAN.
COURT PAPERWORK SHOWS THE
APPLICATION WAS FLAGGED IN
SEPTEMBER AND ELECTIONS
OFFICIALS REPORTED IT TO COUNTY
DETECTIVES.
>> John: YEAH, THAT'S ONE
PERSON, ALLEGEDLY TRYING TO
STEAL ONE VOTE, THAT WAS FLAGGED
IN SEPTEMBER, AND THE PERSON
INVOLVED WAS A TRUMP SUPPORTER.
AND THIS IS NOT THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING, BUT IT HAPPENED
IN A TOWN CALLED FORTY FORT,
WHICH IS JUST DELIGHTFUL.
JUST SAY THE WORDS "FORTY FORT"
OUT LOUD, RIGHT NOW.
FORTY FORT.
IT FEELS SO GOOD IN THE MOUTH.
NOW, APPARENTLY THE TOWN WAS
NAMED AFTER THE ORIGINAL 40
SETTLERS WHO BUILT A FORT THERE,
BUT I CALL BULLSHIT, BECAUSE I
REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT THERE
JUST HAPPENED TO BE 40 SETTLERS
WHO NAMED THEIR FORT
"FORTY FORT" WITHOUT BEING FULLY
AWARE OF HOW FUNNY THAT SOUNDS.
HERE'S WHAT I THINK HAPPENED:
THEY BUILT THE FORT, THEN ONE
SETTLER SAID, "WHAT SHOULD WE
CALL THIS PLACE?"
AND ANOTHER SAID, "WHO CARES?
LET'S JUST NAME IT FORTY FORT."
AND EVERYONE JUSTIFIABLY LAUGHED
VERY HARD AND AGREED TO DO JUST
THAT.
THEN ANOTHER SETTLER -- WHO NO
ONE REALLY LIKED -- SAID, "WAIT,
WHAT IF SOMEONE ASKS WHY WE
CALLED IT 'FORTY FORT'?
WE CAN'T JUST SAY WE DID IT
BECAUSE WE THOUGHT IT WAS
FUNNY."
AND EVERYONE QUIETLY MUTTERED,
"OH, MY GOD, EZEKIEL, YOU SUCK
SO MUCH."
SO THEN THEY SAID, "OKAY, IF
ANYONE ASKS, WE CALLED IT FORTY
FORT BECAUSE THERE ARE FORTY OF
US.
I MEAN, THERE AREN'T, BUT WHO'S
GOING TO CALL US OUT ON THAT?
IT'S FUCKING 1770 AND MOST
PEOPLE CAN'T READ."
AND THAT IS HOW FORTY FORT GOT
ITS NAME.
I WILL TAKE THAT STORY TO MY
GRAVEY GRAVE.
AND FOR THE RECORD, I HAVE
EXACTLY AS MUCH EVIDENCE TO BACK
THAT UP AS REPUBLICANS CURRENTLY
DO OF WIDESPREAD VOTER FRAUD IN
THIS ELECTION.
SO THE ALLEGATIONS HERE ARE
COMPLETE NONSENSE.
AND WHO KNOWS WHY REPUBLICANS
ARE ENTERTAINING THIS?
MAYBE IT'S TO DO WITH THE FACT
GEORGIA HAS TWO SENATE RUNOFFS
COMING UP AND THEY WANT TO KEEP
TRUMP HAPPY SO HE'LL HELP RALLY
VOTERS FOR THEM THERE.
MAYBE THEY'RE CURRYING FAVOR
WITH HIM BECAUSE THEY'RE WORRIED
THAT HE'LL BE A POWER BROKER
GOING FORWARD.
I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT I DO KNOW IS THAT THE
ANSWER TO THE QUESTION, "WHAT IS
THE DOWNSIDE OF HUMORING HIM?"
IS "A LOT," BECAUSE THIS
ADMINISTRATION'S REFUSAL TO
ACKNOWLEDGE THE ELECTION'S
OUTCOME MEANS THAT BIDEN IS NOT
GETTING HIGH-LEVEL INTELLIGENCE
REPORTS AND CAN'T ACCESS FUNDS
MEANT TO FACILITATE HIS
TRANSITION.
AND THEN, OF COURSE, THERE IS
THIS.
>> PRESIDENT TRUMP'S ONGOING
REFUSAL TO CONCEDE THE RACE IS
COMPLICATING BIDEN'S PANDEMIC
PLANNING.
UNTIL THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION
FORMALLY RECOGNIZES BIDEN AS
PRESIDENT-ELECT, OUTGOING TRUMP
OFFICIALS CAN'T SHARE CRITICAL
COVID VACCINE DISTRIBUTION PLANS
WITH THE INCOMING BIDEN TEAM.
>> John: YEAH.
AND THAT'S NOT GREAT.
WITH CASES SPIKING TO A
TERRIFYING EXTENT, YOU REALLY
WANT THE NEW TEAM HANDLING THE
PANDEMIC TO BE ABLE TO TALK TO
THE OLD TEAM -- EVEN IF, AS I
SUSPECT, THE OLD TEAM'S PLAN WAS
JUST A SINGLE WHITEBOARD IN
JARED'S OFFICE WITH NOTHING ON
IT EXCEPT FOR "DISCOVER CURE?"
CIRCLED FIVE TIMES AND A DRAWING
OF DONALD TRUMP SAYING
"GOOD JOB, NEW SON."
BUT THE DAMAGE OF INDULGING
TRUMP GOES EVEN FURTHER, BECAUSE
IT ALSO PLAYS INTO THE GRIM
FANTASIES OF EMBATTLED TRUMP
SUPPORTERS, SOMETHING EXPRESSED
PERHAPS MOST DRAMATICALLY AND
STUPIDLY BY THE ACTOR JON VOIGHT
IN THIS VIDEO THAT TRUMP HIMSELF
RETWEETED ON WEDNESDAY.
>> MY FELLOW AMERICANS, I STAND
HERE WITH ALL THAT FEEL, AS I
DO, DISGUSTED WITH THIS LIE THAT
BIDEN HAS BEEN CHOSEN, AS IF WE
ALL DON'T KNOW THE TRUTH.
THIS IS NOW OUR GREATEST FIGHT
SINCE THE CIVIL WAR.
THE BATTLE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS
VERSUS SATAN.
YES, SATAN.
LET US FIGHT THIS FIGHT AS IF IT
IS OUR LAST FIGHT ON EARTH.
AS MUHAMMAD ALI SAID, IT'S NOT
OVER TILL THE LAST PUNCH YOU
HAVE.
>> John: OKAY, THERE'S A LOT
THERE, FROM DOUBLING DOWN ON
CALLING THE LEFT SATAN TO SAYING
"I STAND HERE" WHEN HE'S CLEARLY
SITTING, TO THAT MUHAMMAD ALI
QUOTE, WHICH WE COULD NOT FIND
ANY RECORD OF HIM SAYING.
WHICH DOES MAKE SENSE, BECAUSE
IT DOESN'T REALLY SOUND LIKE
MUHAMMAD ALI.
IT DOESN'T HAVE THE RHETORICAL
FLAIR OF "FLOAT LIKE A
BUTTERFLY, STING LIKE A BEE," OR
THE WIT OF "I'M SO MEAN, I MAKE
MEDICINE SICK."
"IT'S NOT OVER TILL THE LAST
PUNCH YOU HAVE" SOUNDS LESS LIKE
MUHAMMAD ALI AND MORE LIKE A
BLURB ON A BOOTLEG VHS COVER OF
"ROCKY IV."
AND SURE, THAT'S A RIDICULOUS
VIDEO, BUT THE FACT IS, A LOT OF
PEOPLE BELIEVE STUFF LIKE THAT.
AND WHEN YOU CONTINUALLY INSIST
THAT THE ELECTION WAS STOLEN IN
BIG CITIES AND SUGGEST THAT
REMEDYING THIS CALLS FOR THE
BIGGEST FIGHT SINCE THE CIVIL
WAR, THINGS START TO GET
DEADLY SERIOUS.
LAST THURSDAY, TWO ARMED MEN
WERE ARRESTED OUTSIDE A
PHILADELPHIA CONVENTION CENTER
AFTER POLICE HAD RECEIVED A TIP
ABOUT A THREAT TO THE
VOTE-COUNTING SITE.
AND ONE OF THE CITY
COMMISSIONERS IN CHARGE OF
BALLOT COUNTING -- A REPUBLICAN,
BY THE WAY -- HAS BEEN
UNDERSTANDABLY RATTLED BY THE
CHAOS ENGULFING HIS OFFICE.
>> FROM THE INSIDE LOOKING OUT,
IT FEELS ALL VERY DERANGED.
IT'S PEOPLE MAKING ACCUSATIONS,
THAT WE WOULDN'T COUNT THOSE
VOTES, OR ADDING FRAUDULENT
VOTES OR JUST COMING UP WITH ALL
SORTS OF CRAZY STUFF.
>> ACCUSATIONS LIKE "YOU ARE
CHEATING."
>> YES.
>> "YOU ARE MANIPULATING THE
VOTE."
>> YES.
OR CALLS TO OUR OFFICES
REMINDING US THAT THIS IS WHAT
THE SECOND AMENDMENT IS FOR,
PEOPLE LIKE US.
>> YOU'RE GETTING CALLS LIKE
THAT?
>> YES.
>> THAT'S A NOT-SO-VEILED DEATH
THREAT.
>> YES, FOR COUNTING VOTES IN A
DEMOCRACY.
>> John: THAT'S AWFUL.
AND TRUMP IS PLAYING A DANGEROUS
GAME HERE, BECAUSE THERE IS A
HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
"NOT MY PRESIDENT" AND
"NOT THE PRESIDENT."
AND TO BE CLEAR, PEOPLE WHO ARE
THAT ANGRY ARE NOT RILING
THEMSELVES UP IN A VACUUM.
THEY'VE BEEN FED A STEADY DIET
OF MISINFORMATION, BULLSHIT
FRAUD CLAIMS, AND A VICTIM
NARRATIVE FROM OUTLETS LIKE
FOX NEWS, NEWSMAX, OAN, AND MOST
IMPORTANTLY, TRUMP HIMSELF,
WHOSE TWITTER FEED THIS WEEK
OSCILLATED BETWEEN BREITBART
ARTICLES, NONSENSE CLAIMS THAT
HE WON PENNSYLVANIA, AND ONE
LONE REPLY TO SCOTT BAIO, WHO
YOU MAY KNOW FROM "HAPPY DAYS"
OR FROM "SUPERBABIES: BABY
GENIUSES 2," WHERE HE STARRED
ALONGSIDE NONE OTHER THAN
JON VOIGHT.
I BET THEY HAD A LOT OF FUN ON
SET, BECAUSE I GUARANTEE NO ONE
ELSE DID.
AND INFURIATINGLY, TRUMP HAS
CHOSEN TO SOW ALL THIS CHAOS
AROUND THE ELECTION DESPITE THE
FACT THAT, DEEP DOWN, HE KNOWS
IT'S OVER.
FRIDAY AFTERNOON, THE FINAL
STATES WERE CALLED BY MOST
OUTLETS, PUTTING JOE BIDEN AT
306 ELECTORAL VOTES TO
TRUMP'S 232.
AND DURING A PRESS CONFERENCE
TRUMP HELD A FEW HOURS LATER, HE
NEARLY ACKNOWLEDGED REALITY.
>> IDEALLY, WE WON'T GO TO A
LOCKDOWN.
I WILL NOT GO -- THIS
ADMINISTRATION WILL NOT BE GOING
TO A LOCKDOWN.
HOPEFULLY THE -- THE, UH,
WHATEVER HAPPENS IN THE FUTURE
-- WHO KNOWS WHICH
ADMINISTRATION IT WILL BE?
I GUESS TIME WILL TELL.
BUT I CAN TELL YOU, THIS
ADMINISTRATION WILL NOT GO TO A
LOCKDOWN.
>> John: EXCEPT NO, TIME WILL
NOT TELL.
TIME HAS TOLD.
TRUMP LOST THIS ELECTION, AND HE
KNOWS IT.
AND YET, JUST AN HOUR AFTER THAT
PRESS CONFERENCE, HE WAS
RETWEETING VOTER FRAUD
CONSPIRACIES AGAIN, WHICH IS
PATHETIC, DANGEROUS, AND IN MANY
WAYS, AN APPROPRIATE CODA TO A
PRESIDENCY THAT HAS DESTROYED SO
MANY LIVES -- NOT ONLY OF THOSE
THAT HE'S ATTACKED, BUT ALSO OF
THOSE HE'S CLAIMED TO PROTECT.
SO MANY OF US HAVE LOST LOVED
ONES, EITHER BECAUSE YOU COULD
NO LONGER SQUARE YOUR LOVE FOR
THEM WITH THEIR LOVE FOR HIM OR
BECAUSE THEY FELL DOWN A
MIND-MELTING RABBIT HOLE OF
CONSPIRACY THEORIES THAT HE
HAPPILY PERPETUATED OR BECAUSE
HE LET A DEADLY VIRUS RUN WILD
AND IT FUCKING KILLED THEM!
AND NOW, AS A PARTING GIFT TO
THE COUNTRY, TRUMP IS SOMEHOW
MANAGING TO DIVIDE US EVEN
FURTHER WHILE ALSO HOBBLING HIS
SUCCESSOR AT THE WORST POSSIBLE
TIME, WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY
UNFORGIVABLE.
AND YES, THE FACT TRUMP WON'T BE
PRESIDENT NEXT YEAR IS GOOD.
IT'S REALLY GOOD.
BUT THERE'S A LOT OF WORK TO DO,
AND AT LEAST IN THE SHORT-TERM,
THINGS ARE GOING TO SUCK FOR A
WHILE.
BUT WE HAVE TO TRY AND REPAIR
THIS DAMAGE.
AS A GREAT FIGHTER ONCE SAID,
"IT'S NOT OVER TILL THE FINAL
FISTING YOU GIVE."
AND NOW THIS.
OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT.
I DON'T REMEMBER ANYMORE.
♪ ♪
>> Announcer: AND NOW...
2020 BINGO.
>> THE BINGO BOARD FOR 2020 IS
LARGE.
IT'S LIKE -- YOU KNOW, IT FOLDS
OUT MANY TIMES.
IT IS LARGER THAN ANY GAME BOARD
IN YOUR HOUSE.
>> IF YOU HAD TIGERS AS BEING
CONTROVERSIAL ON YOUR 2020 BINGO
CARD, CONGRATULATIONS.
>> VIN DIESEL BECOMING A POP
STAR ON THE 2020 BINGO CARD.
>> CAROL BASTON COMPETING ON
"DANCING WITH THE STARS" ON YOUR
2020 BINGO CARD.
>> GOOD NEWS FOR ANYONE WHO HAD
A ROBERT KARDASHIAN HOLOGRAM ON
THEIR 2 2020 BINGO CARD.
>> WHO HAD TRAIN RUNS INTO WHALE
ON THEIR 2020 BINGO CARD?
>> EVER HAD TERRORIZING TURKEYS
UNDER 2020 BINGO CARD, YEAH.
>> DID ANYONE HAVE A CAT VAMPIRE
UNDER 2020 BINGO CARD?
>> DID YOU HAVE ANGRY
WHITE HOUSE RECRUITS ON YOUR
2020 BINGO CARD?
WE SHOULD JUST THROW THE BINGO
CARDS OUT AT THIS RATE.
>> DID YOU HAVE A RETURN OF THE
DINOSAURS ON YOUR 2020 BINGO
CARD?
>> IF SO, BINGO.
♪ ♪
>> John: MOVING ON.
BEFORE WE GO, THIS IS OUR FINAL
SHOW OF THE YEAR AND WE WANT TO
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.
CLEARLY, THIS HAS BEEN A DARK
TIME TO BE PRODUCING A COMEDY
SHOW, BUT INCREDIBLY, WE'VE
MANAGED TO HAVE SOME FUN.
WE SPONSORED A MARBLE LEAGUE, WE
MADE STAMPS TO HELP THE POSTAL
SERVICE, WE TURNED DOWN THIS
MAGNIFICENT PIECE OF WRAPPED
EROTICA, AND WENDY WILLIAMS
EATING A PORK CHOP.
WE MADE A SHOW FOR CATS, I GOT
IN A FIGHT WITH DANBURY,
CONNECTICUT, JOHN CENA DELIVERED
A MESSAGE ABOUT CONSPIRACY
THEORIES FOR US WHILE TAKING UP
HIS SHIRT, SOMETHING -- I CANNOT
STRESS THIS ENOUGH -- WE DID NOT
ASK THEM TO DO.
THE FACT THAT HE DID THAT
UNPROMPTED MAKES IT EVEN
FUNNIER.
AND OF COURSE, I SPENT THE WHOLE
YEAR DEMANDING THAT ADAM DRIVER
DEMOLISHED ME, CRUSH MY
LEATHERNECKS, YOU UNWIELDY
BOULDER.
EXPLODE MY -- OH, FUCK.
OH, SHIT.
>> HEY, JOHN.
>> John: WOW.
ADAM DRIVER.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ARE CALLING.
>> LISTEN TO ME.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
>> John: EXCUSE ME?
>> THIS BIT, THIS THING YET THAT
YOU ARE DOING THAT IS EITHER
SEXUAL OR VIOLENCE.
THE STRANGE, STRANGE BUT THAT
FOR SOME REASON YOU PULLED ME I.
WHAT IS IT?
WHEN YOU FIRST STARTED DOING IT,
IT WAS EASY FOR ME TO START IT
OFF.
>> John: ESPECIALLY WITH THOSE
SHOULDERS, I BET.
>> THEN IT KEPT GOING ON AND
ON --
>> John: YOU COULD STROKE THE
WHOLE PLANET --
>> STOPPED TALKING.
DO YOU REALIZE COME OVER THIS
PAST YEAR, WHAT YOU'VE ASKED ME
TO DO TO YOU?
COLLAPSE ON YOUR CHEST.
TELL YOUR FINGERS IN A SQUARE
KNOT.
STEP ON YOUR THROAT.
SHATTER YOUR KNEES.
PULL YOUR HEART OUT THROUGH YOUR
EAR.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
YOU REALIZE WE ARE STRANGERS,
RIGHT?
I DON'T KNOW YOU.
NOT RANDOM PEOPLE ON THE
INTERNET STAN US, CLAIMING THAT
YOU THIRSTING OVER ME IS A MOOD.
>> John: A GET IT.
>> I'M SICK OF PEOPLE STOPPING
ME ON THE STREET AND ASKING IF I
WILL PUNCH A HOLE THROUGH YOU
LIKE A "MARRIAGE STORY" WALL.
>> John: THAT'S FAIR.
>> YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF
YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU KNEW IT WAS
INAPPROPRIATE.
FROM THE MOMENT, YOU WERE JUST
LIKE --
>> John: I WAS HAVING SOME
WEIRD FUN.
>> EXACTLY.
NOW YOU ARE WHAT?
>> John: I'M AMERICA'S
NAUGHTIEST BITCH.
>> SURE, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY
YOU ARE --
>> John: I AM 6 FEET OF NASTY
"LAST WEEK TONIGHT" BIRD MEAT?
>> SORRY.
>> John: I'M TRYING TO GET YOU
TO SAY SORRY.
>> John: I'M SORRY, I AM
TRULY, TRULY SORRY, CONSIDER
THIS BIT OVER.
IT IS DONE.
>> OKAY.
IT'S FINE.
LOOK, IT'S BEEN A ROUGH YEAR FOR
EVERYONE, AND I CAN TELL, IT'S
REALLY GOTTEN TO YOU.
SITTING ALONE IN YOUR VOID.
BUT I THINK MAYBE, IT MIGHT BE
TIME FOR YOU TO STEP OUT OF IT
FOR A BIT.
GET UP FROM YOUR CHAIR.
SEE WHAT THE WORLD HAS TO OFFER.
EXPLORE THE SPACE, MAN.
WHO KNOWS?
MAYBE YOU'LL EVEN EVEN DISCOVER
SOME SURPRISES ALONG THE WAY.
>> John: HUH, ALL RIGHT, I
THINK I MIGHT PRAY JUST TO BE
ABSOLUTELY CLEAR, THOUGH, ADAM,
ARE YOU GIVING ME
AN ORDER?
>> SURE.
>> John: JUST -- IT DIDN'T
SOUND LIKE AN ORDER.
>> EXPLORE THE FUCKING SPACE,
YOU WILL FOLLOW BONE TO MR. B
AND COSPLAYER.
LOOK AROUND YOU, YOU UN UNDER BD
GINGERBREAD BOY.
>> John: OH, GOD, THAT FEELS
GOOD.
>> I HATED THIS.
GOODBYE.
>> John: I MEAN, THAT WENT
REALLY WELL.
YOU KNOW WHAT, ADAM DRIVER IS
RIGHT AND HOT AND MASSIVE, BUT
HE'S MAINLY RIGHT.
BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN STUCK IN
THIS EMPTY VOID SINCE MARCH AND
I'M REALIZING, I HAVEN'T SHOWN
YOU ANY OF IT.
IT'S ACTUALLY MUCH BIGGER THAN
JUST THIS.
COME WITH ME.
I'LL GIVE YOU A TOUR.
AS YOU CAN SEE, JUST OFF CAMERA,
THERE IS MORE VOID AND A BIT
MORE, AND THEN A BIT MORE AFTER
THAT.
IT IS A TRULY ENORMOUS,
EXPANSIVE NOTHING.
AND THIS IS WHERE I HAVE BEEN
ALL YEAR LONG!
NOW INTERESTINGLY, THIS BOY DOES
NOT CONFORM TO NORMAL RULES OF
PHYSICS.
FOR EXAMPLE, THE DESK I'VE BEEN
SITTING BEHIND THIS WHOLE TIME,
IT'S UP THERE.
[LAUGHS]
WEIRD, RIGHT?
BUT I HAVE TO SAY, ALL OF THIS
DOES MAKE ME A LITTLE SAD,
BECAUSE WE USED TO HAVE AN
AUDIENCE FOR THIS SHOW.
ALSO, I USED TO GET TO SEE THE
INCREDIBLE PEOPLE I MAKE THIS
SHOW WITH, MOST OF WHOM I MISS
VERY MUCH.
AND THREE OF WHOM I DON'T.
TWO OF YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, WE USE TO
END OUR SEASONS WITH BIG STUNTS,
JUST FOUR YEARS AGO, I BLEW UP
THE YEAR 2016, AS IF THAT WAS A
VERY BAD YEAR, AND IT WAS.
IT WAS TERRIBLE.
BUT THIS YEAR?
HOLY SHIT.
THIS HAS BEEN A LOT.
FOR ME, IT DOES NOT LIKE THE
WORLD HAS SOMEHOW BOTH SHRUNK A.
I DON'T SEE ANYONE, I DON'T DO
ANYTHING, AND I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT.
♪ ♪
SPEEFIFTEEN.
HUH.
A DOOR.
THAT'S NEW.
♪ ♪
WOW.
THIS MIGHT BE THE LAST TIME I
SEE THIS BLANK VOID.
WELL, THANKS FOR EVERYTHING!
YOU WERE REALLY GREAT AT BEING
WHITE, DEPRESSING, AND
REMARKABLE EMPTY ON THE INSIDE!
AND THAT IS GAME RECOGNIZING
GAME!
OKAY.
LET'S SEE WHAT'S ON THE OTHER
SIDE.
♪ ♪
OH.
THAT MAKES SENSE.
LOOK, THIS YEAR HAS BEEN AN
ABSOLUTE PARADE OF MISERY.
IN JANUARY ALONE, AUSTRALIA HAS
BEEN RAVAGED BY WILDFIRES,
KOBE BRYANT DIED, AND FOR A FEW
DAYS, IT REALLY SEEMED LIKE
AMERICA WAS ABOUT TO GO TO WAR
WITH IRAN.
THAT WAS ALL THIS YEAR.
AND THAT WAS BEFORE THE
CORONAVIRUS EXPLODED AND
EVERYTHING GOT EVEN WORSE.
MASS UNEMPLOYMENT, EVICTIONS,
THAT VIDEO OF THOSE CELEBRITIES
SINGING "IMAGINE."
IT WAS REALLY TERRIBLE.
ON TOP OF WHICH, THIS YEAR, SO
THE DEATHS OF CHADWICK BOSEMAN,
JOHN LEWIS, AND RUTH
BADER GINSBURG.
PLUS, THE CONFIRMATION OF AMY
CONEY BARRETT.
I MEAN, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, 2020
MADE ME LEARN WHO CAROLE BASKIN
IS, IT MADE ME SET UP A GOOGLE
ALERT TO SEE IF SHE WAS EVER
CONVICTED FOR THAT THING THAT WE
ARE ALL PRETTY SURE SHE DID.
THIS YEAR RUINED LIVES, JOBS,
CONCERTS, AND SANITY.
IT BROUGHT A NEW WAVE OF RENTING
VIDEOS OF POLICE BRUTALITY THAT
BROUGHT ON A NATIONAL RECKONING
WITH RACE AND A FEROCIOUS AND
DEPRESSING BACKLASH, AND SURE,
THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION ENDED
WELL, BUT IT WAS GRIM TO LIVE
THROUGH.
AND TRUMP WILL NOT LEAVE OFFICE
UNTIL NEXT JANUARY.
2020 WAS ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE.
AND I REALLY HOPE NEXT YEAR IS
GOING TO BE BETTER, BUT THE
TRUTH IS, WHAT HAPPENS NEXT IS
UP TO ALL OF US.
IT'S GOING TO DEPEND HOW WILLING
WE ARE TO FIGHT, HOW WELL WE
LEARN FROM WHAT'S HAPPENED, AND
HOW MUCH WE ARE ABLE TO CARE
ABOUT EACH OTHER.
SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENS
NEXT.
BUT I DO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NOW.
♪ ♪
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪ ♪
LET TOMORROW BE ABOUT SOLUTIONS.
TODAY IS ABOUT VENGEANCE.
FUCK U, 2020.
GET FUCKED.
[EXPLOSION]
♪ ♪
[EXPLOSIONS]
♪ ♪
[EXPLOSIONS]
♪ ♪
[FALLING DEBRIS]
>> John: THAT'S IT.
THAT'S OUR SHOW.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING
THIS YEAR.
WE'LL BE BACK NEXT FEBRUARY.
PLEASE STAY SAFE UNTIL THEN.
GOOD NIGHT.
♪ ♪