♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT"!
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING
US.
IT HAS BEEN A BUSY WEEK.
EUROPE GOT TO ENJOY A SOLAR
ECLIPSE, NIGEL FARAGE WON A
BY-ELECTION SO STUPID, THE
CANDIDATE IN SECOND PLACE--
WITH A QUARTER OF THE VOTE, BY
THE WAY-- WAS COUNT BINFACE.
AND THE IRAN WAR DRAGGED ON,
WITH A SERIES OF HUMILIATING NEW
HEADLINES-- INCLUDING THIS
REVELATION ABOUT TRUMP'S TRIP
HOME FROM LAST MONTH'S NATO
SUMMIT.
>> NEW DETAILS OF THE ELABORATE
OPERATION BY THE SECRET SERVICE
TO COVERTLY SWAP THE PRESIDENT
TRUMP'S PLANES AMID FEARS OF AN
IRANIAN ASSASINATION PLOT.
THE PRESIDENT HAD ARRIVED ABOARD
HIS QUATARI GIFTED AIR FORCE
ONE, BUT RAISED EYEBROWS BY
ANNOUNCING HE'D TAKE AN OLDER
PLANE HOME, SENDING THE NEWER
PLANE AHEAD TO A BRITISH
AIRBASE.
>> "THE WASHINGTON POST" NOW
REPORTS THAT THE PRESIDENT
IMMEDIATELY SNEAKED OFF THE
PLANE AND ON TO A CATERING TRUCK
THAT WHISKED HIM OFF TO A
SMALLER MILITARY JET.
IN VIDEO FROM THAT DAY, YOU SEE
THE PRESIDENT BOARDING WITH A
WAVE.
BUT AS THE CAMERA PULLS BACK,
THERE'S A CATERING TRUCK BELOW.
FIVE MINUTES LATER, THE PRESS
SEEN BOARDING THE BACK OF THE
PLANE AS THAT CATERING TRUCK
PULLS AWAY, REPORTEDLY WITH THE
PRESIDENT CONCEALED INSIDE.
>> John: FANTASTIC.
THE ONLY PROBLEM I CAN SEE THERE
ESCAPE, HE'S NOT GOING TO BE
ABLE TO USE THE CATERING TRUCK
TRICK, BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS
ABOUT IT.
PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE
SUSPICIOUS FROM NOW ON IF THEY
SEE A PLANE GO ONE WAY, A
CATERING TRUCK GO ANOTHER, AND
AN ENORMOUS MAN-SIZED CAKE GET
WHEELED AWAY BY TWO SUSPICIOUSLY
JACKED CHEFS.
WHILE IT CLEARLY DOESN'T LOOK
GREAT FOR A PRESIDENT TO BE
EMERGENCY-HIDING IN A CATERING
TRUCK, IT LOOKS EVEN WORSE WHEN
YOU REMEMBER: A LOT OF OTHER
PEOPLE WERE STILL ON THAT PLANE
HE WAS SMUGGLED OFF OF.
>> STILL ONBOARD THE 737,
THOUGH, DOZENS OF JOURNALISTS
AND WHITE HOUSE STAFFERS, AS
WELL AS SECRETARY OF STATE
MARCO RUBIO AND TREASURY
SECRETARY SCOTT BESSENT.
THAT PLANE LIFTING OFF, BELIEVED
TO BE THE INTENDED TARGET.
>> John: YEAH, NOT GREAT!
THERE WERE A LOT OF INNOCENT
PEOPLE ON THAT PLANE, AND ALSO
MARCO RUBIO.
MEANWHILE, FOR THOSE ACTUALLY
HAVING TO FIGHT THIS WAR, IT'S
BEEN GRIM.
JUST THIS WEEK WE LEARNED
HORRENDOUS DETAILS ABOUT WHAT
IT'S BEEN LIKE ON THE
USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, WHICH HAS
BEEN DEPLOYED FOR MORE THAN 250
DAYS, INCLUDING OVER 200 WITHOUT
A PORT CALL, WHICH IS APPARENTLY
MORE THAN ANY OTHER AIRCRAFT
CARRIER IN THE MODERN ERA.
LIFE ON THAT SHIP SOUNDS LIKE
IT'S BEEN DESPERATE.
>> FAMILIES REPORTEDLY
CONFRONTED NAVY LEADERS AT TOWN
HALLS LAST WEEK, DESCRIBING
MOLDY SHOWERS, BROKEN TOILETS,
FOOD SHORTAGES, AND NO SOAP OR
TOOTHPASTE.
FAMILIES OF THOSE ON BOARD TOLD
THE MILITARY TIMES, AT LEAST TWO
SAILORS HAVE TRIED TO JUMP FROM
THE CARRIER.
>> DANIELLE'S SON IS ON BOARD.
>> HE DESCRIBES THE OVERALL
EXPERIENCE AS A SCENE OUT OF
"AMERICAN HORROR STORY" WHERE HE
FEELS LIKE EVERYBODY IS DEAD,
BUT THEY DON'T KNOW IT YET.
>> John: WELL, THAT'S NOT GOOD.
YOU NEVER WANT TO BE IN A
POSITION WHERE YOU DESCRIBE YOUR
JOB AS "A SCENE OUT OF AMERICAN
HORROR STORY."
HONESTLY, IF YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE
TO CHOOSE A RYAN MURPHY SHOW FOR
YOUR WORKPLACE TO RESEMBLE, THE
OBVIOUS ANSWER IS "ALL'S FAIR."
KIM KARDASHIAN, NIECY NASH,
TEYANA TAYLOR, NAOMI WATTS,
SARAH PAULSON, AND GLENN CLOSE
IN DIFFERENT SHADES OF MAGENTA
SUITS, AS WELL AS DIALOGUE LIKE
THIS?
>> CARR, SWEETIE, HOW ARE YOU?
>> NEVER MIND ME, HOW ARE YOU
HOLDING UP, YOU POOR DISCARDED
CUM-RAG?
>> John: YEAH, THAT'S THE
RYAN MURPHY PRODUCTION YOU WANT
TO BE STUCK IN.
NOT THIS FLOATING FUCKING
NIGHTMARE.
NOW, PETE HEGSETH HAS CLAIMED
THAT THE SHIP'S CONDITIONS ARE
BEING "COMPLETELY
MISREPRESENTED" BY THOSE WHO ARE
ACTUALLY EXPERIENCING THEM,
SAYING "WE MAKE SURE THAT EVERY
SHIP, EVERY CREW, EVERY CAPTAIN
HAS EVERYTHING WE CAN PROVIDE AT
EVERY SINGLE MOMENT."
AND IF HE MEANS "TO GO
CERTIFIABLY INSANE," I'M
INCLINED TO AGREE WITH HIM
THERE.
BUT THE ADMINISTRATION'S LIST OF
THE RESOURCES OFFERED ONBOARD
HAS NOT BEEN REASSURING.
>> A U.S. OFFICIAL TELLS
ABC NEWS THEY HAVE NOT SEEN AN
UPTICK IN MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES
AND SAY THE LINCOLN HAS A
VARIETY OF RESOURCES ON BOARD,
INCLUDING ONE CLINICAL
PSYCHOLOGIST, FIVE CHAPLAINS,
AND THREE BEHAVIORAL HEALTH
TECHNICIANS.
THEY ALSO HAVE ONE THERAPY DOG
ON BOARD NAMED CAPTAIN FATHOM
WHOSE JOB IT IS TO EASE ANXIETY
AMONG THE CREW.
>> John: HOLY SHIT, THAT IS WAY
TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO PUT ON ONE
DOG.
ESPECIALLY ONE WITH A THOUSAND
YARD STARE LIKE THAT.
HE DOESN'T SEEM LIKE A THERAPY
DOG SO MUCH AS A DOG WHO
DESPERATELY NEEDS THERAPY.
I'M JUST SAYING THERE IS
ABSOLUTELY A CVS THAT HAS A
BOTTLE OF LEXAPRO WITH CAPTAIN
FATHOM'S NAME ON IT.
AND LOOK, THERE'LL CLEARLY BE
MORE TO SAY ABOUT THIS GOING
FORWARD, BUT FOR NOW...
WE'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO DIVE
STRAIGHT IN WITH OUR MAIN STORY
THIS WEEK, WHICH CONCERNS
PREGNANCY.
A GREAT WAY TO STILL NOT GET A
SEAT ON THE SUBWAY.
SPECIFICALLY, I WANT TO TALK
ABOUT SOMETHING CALLED "FETAL
PERSONHOOD"-- THE CONCEPT THAT
A FETUS IS, FROM CONCEPTION, A
SEPARATE, UNIQUE HUMAN, WITH ITS
OWN RIGHTS, DISTINCT FROM THE
PERSON IT'S RATHER UNAVOIDABLY
INSIDE.
THE CONCEPT IS, UNSURPRISINGLY,
USUALLY ASSOCIATED WITH THE
PRO-LIFE MOVEMENT, AND
POST-DOBBS, IT'S BEEN GETTING A
LOT MORE ATTENTION.
>> FETAL PERSONHOOD IS A ONCE
FRINGE IDEA NOW AT THE CENTER OF
ANTIABORTION ADVOCACY.
THE FETAL PERSONHOOD MOVEMENT
AIMS TO GRANT FULL LEGAL RIGHTS
AND PROTECTIONS TO FETUSES, AND
IN SOME CASES EMBRYOS.
ABOUT A THIRD OF STATES HAVE
ESTABLISHED FETAL PERSONHOOD BY
LAW OR JUDICIAL DECISION.
>> John: OKAY, FIRST, NICE
"HORTON HEARS A WHO" SIGN THERE.
THOUGH YOU SHOULD PROBABLY KNOW,
ACCORDING TO DR. SEUSS'S
BIOGRAPHER, BACK IN THE '80s, HE
ACTUALLY THREATENED TO SUE AN
ANTI-ABORTION RIGHTS GROUP THAT
USED THAT QUOTE ON ITS
STATIONERY.
AFTER WHICH THEY BACKED DOWN,
WHICH IS A LITTLE SURPRISING,
GIVEN "STAY OUT OF MY FUCKING
BUSINESS" IS NOT USUALLY A
MESSAGE THESE GROUPS RESPOND TO.
THE FETAL PERSONHOOD IDEA CAN BE
EMBEDDED IN LAWS IN A BUNCH OF
DIFFERENT WAYS, AND SOME CAN
INITIALLY SOUND APPEALING--
LIKE ONES THAT MAKE IT A CRIME
TO CAUSE THE DEATH OF AN UNBORN
CHILD DURING AN ACT OF DOMESTIC
VIOLENCE.
BUT ONCE THE LAW RECOGNIZES A
FETUS AS A SEPARATE VICTIM, IF
YOU GET PREGNANT, THAT SAME
LOGIC CAN QUICKLY BE WEAPONIZED
AGAINST YOU, AND IN ALL SORTS OF
WAYS.
>> HUNDREDS OF WOMEN ACROSS THE
COUNTRY HAVE BEEN ARRESTED OR
LOST CUSTODY OF THEIR CHILDREN
FOR REASONS RELATED TO THEIR
PREGNANCIES.
>> BRITNEY WATTS A 33-YEAR-OLD
BLACK WOMAN, SAYS SHE WENT TO
THE HOSPITAL MULTIPLE TIMES
AFTER BLEEDING DURING HER
PREGNANCY.
WATTS RETURNED HOME WHERE SHE
SUFFERED A MISCARRIAGE NOW SHE
IS BEING CHARGED WITH ABUSE OF A
CORPSE.
>> A WOMAN FROM ALABAMA SUFFERED
A MISCARRIAGE AFTER BEING SHOT,
AND NOW SHE'S BEING CHARGED WITH
MANSLAUGHTER FOR THE DEATH OF
HER UNBORN CHILD.
>> John: WOW, THAT'S BLEAK.
IF YOU SUFFER A MISCARRIAGE
AFTER BEING SHOT, YOU SHOULDN'T
BE CHARGED WITH MANSLAUGHTER.
THAT'S ONE OF THOSE SENTENCES I
NEVER THOUGHT I'D END UP NEEDING
TO SAY OUT LOUD-- LIKE "COCAINE
POLLUTION GIVES SALMON
WANDERLUST" OR "YOUNG RICHARD
NIXON WAS HOT."
YIKES, BY THE WAY.
I'D LET HIM BREAK INTO MY
WATERGATE HOTEL.
AND THAT'S JUST THE BEGINNING.
BECAUSE OVER THE YEARS, "FETAL
PERSONHOOD" HAS BEEN THE BASIS
OF LEGAL CASES INVOLVING
EVERYTHING FROM A PREGNANT WOMAN
WHO FELL DOWN A FLIGHT OF
STAIRS, AND WHO WAS CHARGED WITH
"ATTEMPTED FETAL HOMICIDE," TO A
BONKERS STORY INVOLVING THIS
WOMAN.
SHE WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A LONG
DELIVERY-- AND WAS A
PROFESSIONAL DOULA, BY THE WAY.
SHE'D HAD THREE PRIOR
C-SECTIONS, AND HOPED TO AVOID A
FOURTH-- ONLY TO FIND THE
SITUATION SUDDENLY OUT OF HER
HANDS.
>> SHE WAS IN HER 12TH HOUR OF
LABOR IN THE HOSPITAL WHEN
CHERISE DOYLEY SUDDENLY FOUND
HERSELF IN FRONT OF A FLORIDA
JUDGE FROM HER HOSPITAL BED.
>> IS THIS A REAL JUDGE?
>> A NURSE WHEELING IN A TABLET
WITH THE JUDGE, DOCTORS, LAWYERS
AND OTHERS ON ZOOM.
>> THAT WAS EXACTLY WHEN I FOUND
OUT THAT WE WERE GOING TO COURT.
>> NOW THIS IS THE CRAZIEST
THING I'VE EVER SEEN.
>> VIDEO OBTAINED BY NBC NEWS
SHOWS THE 32-YEAR-OLD BLACK
WOMAN IN HER HOSPITAL BED PULLED
INTO A VIRTUAL EMERGENCY COURT
HEARING AS FLORIDA STATE
ATTORNEYS ON BEHALF OF THE
HOSPITAL SOUGHT A COURT ORDERED
C-SECTION.
>> NOBODY IS HERE TO SPEAK FOR
ME.
>> WHEN DOYLEY ASKS IF SHE CAN
CALL A LAWYER OR A PATIENT
ADVOCATE, THE JUDGE SAYS--
>> THERE'S NOT A CONSTITUTIONAL
RIGHT TO COUNSEL IN ONE OF THESE
PROCEEDINGS.
>> John: HOLY SHIT, THAT IS A
FUCKING OUTRAGE.
EVERY PART OF THAT IS WRONG,
INCLUDING THAT IT SHOULD BE
ILLEGAL TO MAKE A WOMAN GIVING
BIRTH GET ON A VIDEO CALL OF ANY
KIND.
I DON'T EVEN LIKE BEING ON A
ZOOM WHEN I'M NOT GIVING BIRTH.
AND FOR THE RECORD: HOW--
12 HOURS INTO LABOR-- WAS SHE
COMPOSED ENOUGH TO ASK FOR
COUNSEL SO CALMLY?
SHE COULD'VE REASONABLY SCREAMED
"SHIT PISS COCK MOTHERFUCKER"
AND CHANGED HER ZOOM BACKGROUND
INTO A MILLION MIDDLE FINGERS,
AND ANY SMART JUDGE WOULD'VE
SAID, "YOU'RE RIGHT, THAT'S AN
ENTIRELY FAIR POINT."
FETAL PERSONHOOD ISN'T JUST A
FRINGE IDEA-- IT'S BEEN A QUIET
GOAL OF THE ANTI-ABORTION
MOVEMENT FOR DECADES NOW, BUT
IT'S BEEN PICKING UP REAL SPEED
IN RECENT YEARS.
IN 2023, A GROUP OF
ANTI-ABORTION LAWYERS AND
ACTIVISTS EVEN EXPLICITLY SET "A
POST-DOBBS GOAL OF RECOGNIZING
FETAL PERSONHOOD."
AND WITH THIS SUPREME COURT?
I FRANKLY WOULDN'T BET AGAINST
THEM.
SO GIVEN ALL THAT, TONIGHT,
LET'S TALK ABOUT FETAL
PERSONHOOD-- WHERE THE IDEA
COMES FROM, ALL THE SURPRISING
WAYS IN WHICH IT CAN BE APPLIED,
AND WHERE THINGS COULD BE
HEADING NEXT.
AND LET'S START WITH THE FACT
THAT THE BASIC CONCEPT OF A
FETUS BEING ITS OWN PERSON WITH
DISTINCT RIGHTS IS NOTHING NEW
-- IN FACT, HERE'S ONE OF ITS
MAJOR PROPONENTS, LAYING OUT THE
ARGUMENT IN 1984.
>> I BELIEVE THAT UNTIL AND
UNLESS SOMEONE CAN ESTABLISH
THAT THE UNBORN CHILD IS NOT A
LIVING HUMAN BEING, THEN THAT
CHILD IS ALREADY PROTECTED BY
THE CONSTITUTION, WHICH
GUARANTEES LIFE, LIBERTY, AND
THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS TO ALL
OF US.
>> John: YEP!
THERE HE IS!
IT SEEMS YOU CAN'T TRACE THE
SOURCE OF ANY MODERN PROBLEM
WITHOUT A CAMEO FROM THIS MESSY
BITCH.
HE TRULY IS THE FORREST GUMP OF
SOCIETAL ILLS.
BUT THE THING IS, REAGAN COULD
BELIEVE THAT ALL HE LIKED-- IT
STILL WASN'T LAW IN THE U.S. IN
FACT, WHEN THE SUPREME COURT
DECIDED ROE V. WADE, IT
EXPLICITLY REJECTED FETAL
PERSONHOOD, STATING, "THE WORD
'PERSON,' AS USED IN THE 14TH
AMENDMENT, DOES NOT INCLUDE THE
UNBORN."
HOWEVER, IT DID LEAVE THE DOOR
OPEN A CRACK, BY HOLDING THAT
THE STATE HAS AN IMPORTANT AND
LEGITIMATE INTEREST IN
PROTECTING THE POTENTIALITY OF
HUMAN LIFE.
AND THAT WAS NO SMALL THING.
BECAUSE IT MEANT THAT AS LONG AS
STATES DIDN'T FULLY BAN
ABORTION, THEY WERE LEGALLY ABLE
TO EXPAND PROTECTIONS FOR
FETUSES.
AND, FOR YEARS, MANY DID JUST
THAT.
SOME STATES DEFINED A PERSON TO
INCLUDE A FETUS THROUGHOUT THEIR
CRIMINAL CODES, WHILE IN OTHER
PLACES, PROSECUTORS EXPANDED
THEIR USE OF CHILD ABUSE AND
NEGLECT LAWS TO POLICE THE
CONDUCT OF PREGNANT WOMEN.
BUT AFTER DOBBS, THE GUARDRAILS
FULLY CAME OFF.
BECAUSE STATE LEGISLATORS FELT
THEY COULD PUSH MUCH MORE
AGGRESSIVELY FOR FETAL
PERSONHOOD LEGISLATION-- AND
WITH SOME PRETTY CREATIVE
ARGUMENTS, NONE MORE SO THAN THE
ONE THIS NORTH DAKOTA STATE
LEGISLATOR MADE LAST YEAR.
>> WE HAVE TO BE BRAVE ENOUGH,
RIGHTEOUS ENOUGH, AND HAVE
ENOUGH INTEGRITY, NOT ONLY TO
OUR OATH OF OFFICE, BUT TO ALL
THE CLAIMS OF BEING PRO-LIFE AND
TO BEING CHRISTIAN, AND ACTUALLY
DO WHAT THE WORD OF GOD SAYS.
AND IN CASE YOU DON'T KNOW IF A
BABY AT CONCEPTION IS HUMAN OR
NOT, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO SHOW ME
THE FIRST KANGAROO OR PLANT THAT
CAME OUT OF A WOMAN'S WOMB.
>> John: WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
OBVIOUSLY, NO WOMAN IS PREGNANT
WITH A KANGAROO.
I WOULDN'T BLAME ANY WOMAN WHO
WANTED TO FOOL AROUND WITH ONE,
ESPECIALLY THIS GUY OR INDEED
THIS ONE RIGHT HERE.
BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
THE POINT IS, HERE'S WHAT'S
TRICKY ABOUT ALL THIS: ONE SIDE
IS SAYING, "HEY, A WOMAN SHOULD
HAVE A RIGHT TO CONTROL WHAT
HAPPENS IN HER OWN BODY" AND THE
OTHER IS SAYING, "SO YOU THINK
YOU GIVE BIRTH TO A KANGAROO?"
AND I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW HOW WE
MEET IN THE MIDDLE THERE.
BUT THE OBVIOUS CONSEQUENCE OF
THESE LAWS IS THAT THEY TREAT
THE INDIVIDUAL CARRYING THE
FETUS AS SOMETHING LESS THAN A
FULL HUMAN.
AND THE VERY MOMENT YOU'RE
PREGNANT, YOU BECOME MERELY A
MEANS TO AN END.
AND IT'S NOT LIKE SOME
LEGISLATORS HAVE NEEDED MUCH
ENCOURAGEMENT ON THAT FRONT.
DURING AN INTERVIEW ABOUT AN
ABORTION LAW IN OKLAHOMA IN
2017, THIS GUY, ITS SPONSOR,
REFERRED TO PREGNANT PEOPLE AS
"HOSTS", AND HIS JUSTIFICATION
FOR DOING SO WASN'T IDEAL.
>> WHEN I USE THE TERM "HOST,"
IT'S NOT MEANT TO DEGRADE WOMEN.
I ACTUALLY WENT AND GOOGLED THAT
AND I WENT TO WEBSTER AND I
COULDN'T FIND A BETTER TERM.
>> John: LOOK, CONGRATULATIONS
ON "GOING TO WEBSTER" OR
WHATEVER, BUT THERE ARE ONLY A
HANDFUL OF SITUATIONS WHERE IT'S
ACCEPTABLE TO CALL A WOMAN A
HOST: IF SHE WORKS
FRONT-OF-HOUSE AT A RESTAURANT,
IF SHE INVITES YOU OVER FOR
DINNER, IF SHE HAS HER OWN TALK
SHOW, OR IF YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT
ANNABELLE, HOST TO THE DEMONIC
SPIRIT PERMANENTLY TRAPPED
INSIDE HER.
AND THE THING ABOUT FETAL
PERSONHOOD IS, IT CAN BE USED
NOT JUST TO LIMIT ABORTION, BUT
TO CRIMINALIZE OTHER CONDUCT
DURING PREGNANCY SEEN AS
JEOPARDIZING A FETUS IN ANY WAY
-- LIKE DRINKING OR DRUG USE.
AND LOOK, NO ONE IS SAYING THAT
IT'S A GREAT IDEA TO DRINK OR
TAKE DRUGS WHILE PREGNANT.
AFTER ALL, YOU DON'T WANT YOUR
KID TO COME OUT TOO COOL.
BUT FOR MANY SUBSTANCES, THE
RISKS TO A FETUS-- WHILE REAL
-- ARE ACTUALLY FAR MORE
COMPLEX, AND OFTEN FAR LESS
CLEAR CUT, THAN THE LAW ASSUMES.
THE PROBLEM IS, THE LAW CAN TAKE
A ZERO-TOLERANCE APPROACH.
AND UNFORTUNATELY, MANY
HOSPITALS DRUG TEST PREGNANT
WOMEN AND THEIR NEWBORNS--
OFTEN WITHOUT THEIR KNOWLEDGE--
AND IN AT LEAST 27 STATES,
THEY'RE REQUIRED BY LAW TO ALERT
CHILD WELFARE AGENCIES ABOUT A
POSITIVE TEST.
BUT THAT IS A BIG ISSUE,
ESPECIALLY GIVEN DRUG TESTS CAN
BE NOTORIOUSLY INACCURATE.
JUST LISTEN TO THIS WOMAN
DESCRIBE WHAT A NURSE TOLD HER,
RIGHT AFTER SHE'D GIVEN BIRTH TO
HER SECOND CHILD.
>> SHE TOLD ME THAT MY DRUG
SCREEN TESTED POSITIVE FOR
OPIOIDS, FOR MORPHINE
SPECIFICALLY.
>> KATIE SAYS THE TEST RESULTS
DIDN'T MAKE SENSE.
SHE HAD NEVER TAKEN ANY OPIATES
OR ILLICIT DRUGS.
BUT THAT DAY BEFORE COMING TO
THE HOSPITAL, SHE DID HAVE AN
EVERYTHING BAGEL.
FOR NEARLY A MONTH, KATIE WAS
ONLY ALLOWED SUPERVISED TIME
WITH HER CHILDREN.
AND ALTHOUGH SHE WAS
BREASTFEEDING, SHE HAD TO LEAVE
HER HOUSE AT NIGHT.
>> I WOULD LEAVE THE HOUSE, AND
I WOULD SCREAM IN MY CAR BECAUSE
I WAS SO DEVASTATED TO LEAVE
HER.
SORRY.
>> IT'S OKAY.
WHAT WAS THAT LIKE?
>> IT WAS TORTURE.
I MEAN, IT WAS PAIN I'VE NEVER
FELT BEFORE.
>> KATIE, DID YOU FEEL THAT
THERE WAS A RISK THAT IF YOU
DIDN'T FOLLOW EVERYTHING YOU
WERE TOLD TO DO, YOU COULD LOSE
YOUR CHILDREN?
>> ABSOLUTELY.
>> John: YEAH, ALL OF THAT OVER
A FUCKING BAGEL.
IT SHOULDN'T BE POSSIBLE FOR
YOUR LIFE TO GET FUCKED UP THAT
BADLY JUST BASED ON WHAT YOU HAD
FOR BREAKFAST.
UNLESS OF COURSE, THE BREAKFAST
IN QUESTION IS HONEY SMACKS, IN
WHICH CASE HONESTLY?
YOU KIND OF DESERVE WHATEVER
HAPPENS TO YOU.
YOU'RE A BAD PERSON.
AND THE THING IS, IT'S COMMON
KNOWLEDGE THAT THOSE DRUG
SCREENS ARE EASILY
MISINTERPRETED AND OFTEN WRONG,
WITH FALSE POSITIVE RATES AS
HIGH AS 50%.
BUT IF YOU NEED CONVINCING
FURTHER, PLEASE ENJOY THIS
LAWYER THEY TALKED TO FOR THAT
STORY, WHO BROUGHT A MAGNIFICENT
VISUAL AID WITH HER.
>> HERE'S A CUP OF MY URINE, AND
IF I GIVE IT TO YOU, YOU COULD
TEST IT.
MAYBE IT'S POSITIVE.
BUT IT CAN'T TELL YOU IF I'M
ADDICTED, I'M DEPENDENT.
AND YET, FOR THOUSANDS OF WOMEN
IN THIS COUNTRY, AND FAMILIES,
PROBABLY MILLIONS, A DRUG TEST
IS USED AS A PARENTING TEST.
>> John: OKAY, A FEW THINGS.
FIRST, I'M NOT SURE THAT'S QUITE
AS EXONERATING AS YOU WANT IT TO
BE, AS "BEING ABLE TO PRODUCE A
JAR OF PISS UNPROMPTED" MIGHT BE
THE MOST "DEFINITELY ON DRUGS"
BEHAVIOR I'VE EVER SEEN.
AND ALSO, WHILE I AM COMPLETELY
ON THAT LAWYER'S SIDE, I CAN'T
HELP WONDERING IF SHE'S HAD A
CUP OF WATER TODAY.
AND EVEN IF SHE HAS, WOULD SHE
LIKE ME TO GET HER ANOTHER ONE?
AND REFERRALS TO LAW ENFORCEMENT
OVER ALLEGED DRUG USE DURING
PREGNANCY AREN'T REMOTELY
UNCOMMON-- ONE INVESTIGATION
FOUND, IN A SIX-YEAR PERIOD, AT
LEAST 70,000 SUCH CASES, ACROSS
21 STATES-- A NUMBER WHICH IS
ALMOST CERTAINLY AN UNDERCOUNT.
AND IN MANY CASES, THE REFERRALS
BEGAN WITH FALSE POSITIVE
RESULTS FROM FLAWED DRUG TESTS.
BUT LOOK-- LET'S ACKNOWLEDGE
THAT SOMETIMES, A POSITIVE DRUG
TEST DOES INDICATE THAT
SOMEONE'S USED DRUGS.
WELL, TO HEAR SOME LAWMAKERS
TELL IT, WE NEED TO CRIMINALIZE
THAT, BECAUSE HOW ELSE ARE WE
GOING TO ENCOURAGE EXPECTANT
MOTHERS TO CLEAN UP THEIR ACTS?
>> YOU USE THE CARROT AND THE
STICK.
YOU KNOW, THE STICK IS, HEY,
THIS IS HANGING OVER MY HEAD.
IF I DON'T GET CLEAN, IF I DON'T
GET RID OF THIS DRUG USE, THEN
I'M GOING TO GO TO JAIL AND I
MAY LOSE MY CHILD.
BUT IF I TEST NEGATIVE, IF I--
IF I DO A GOOD JOB OF GETTING
CLEAN, I'M GOING TO GET TO LEAD
A NORMAL LIFE WITH MY CHILD.
>> John: THAT IS JUST A TERRIBLE
ANALOGY.
BECAUSE IF THE STICK IS THE FEAR
OF GOING TO JAIL, AND THE CARROT
IS "GETTING TO LEAD A NORMAL
LIFE WITH YOUR CHILD," THEN IT
FEELS LIKE THE SCENARIO YOU'RE
DESCRIBING THERE IS THE SAME AS
THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION "WHAT
HAS OWEN WILSON BEEN UP TO
LATELY?"
BY WHICH I MEAN: MOSTLY STICK.
BUT DOCTORS WILL POINT OUT SOME
KEY FLAWS WITH THAT APPROACH.
FIRST, QUITTING DRUGS COLD
TURKEY CAN CAUSE COMPLICATIONS
THAT TRIGGER MISCARRIAGE OR AN
EARLY LABOR.
AND SECOND, TERRIFYING EXPECTANT
MOTHERS WITH THE THREAT OF JAIL
TIME CARRIES ITS OWN SET OF
RISKS.
>> SCARING THE MOM TO THE POINT
THAT SHE'S NOT COMING TO GET
HEALTHCARE DURING HER PREGNANCY
OR NOT DISCLOSING HER DRUG USE
SO THAT SHE CAN GET THE SUPPORT
AND TREATMENT THAT SHE NEEDS,
NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE
PROTECTING THE BABY.
PUTTING THE MOM IN JAIL AND
TAKING THE BABY AWAY IS NOT
PROTECTING THE BABY.
THERE ARE LOTS OF UNSAFE THINGS
THAT WOMEN DO DURING PREGNANCY.
I MIGHT RECOMMEND THAT THEY TAKE
A CERTAIN MEDICATION FOR
DIABETES, AND THEY DON'T TAKE
IT, AND THEIR SUGARS ARE REALLY
HIGH, AND THAT'S VERY HARMFUL TO
THEM AND THEIR BABY.
BUT NO ONE IS PUTTING THEM IN
JAIL OR TAKING THEIR BABY AWAY.
>> John: OF COURSE!
THERE ARE PLENTY OF THINGS WOMEN
SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO DO WHILE
THEY'RE PREGNANT, BUT WE LET
THEM ANYWAY.
LIKE EATING SUSHI, OR BUNGEE
JUMPING, OR DRIVING, OR MATH, OR
IS ANYBODY GOING TO STOP ME
RIGHT NOW?
I'M LISTING THINGS THAT I, JOHN,
THINK WOMEN SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO
DO.
SOMEONE SHOULD'VE JUMPED IN AND
STOPPED ME.
NONE OF YOU ARE MY REAL FRIENDS.
THAT WAS A TEST, AND YOU ALL
FAILED.
WE'RE IN A FIGHT.
RIGHT NOW.
THE POINT IS, BABIES CLEARLY DO
BETTER WHEN THEIR MOMS GO TO
DOCTORS' APPOINTMENTS AND,
IDEALLY, AREN'T THROWN IN JAIL
AS PART OF A BULLSHIT "CARROT
AND STICK" APPROACH.
AND THE WAY SOME OF THESE LAWS
WORK IN PRACTICE IS AN ABSOLUTE
NIGHTMARE.
THAT WOMAN YOU SAW EARLIER IS BY
NO MEANS THE ONLY ONE WHO WOUND
UP DRAGGED INTO COURT OVER A
STATE'S CONCERNS FOR HER FETUS.
TAKE WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS
WISCONSIN WOMAN, WHO'D BEEN
USING METH, BUT WHEN SHE LEARNED
SHE WAS PREGNANT, IMMEDIATELY
STOPPED.
SHE VOLUNTARILY CHECKED INTO A
HOSPITAL SEEKING HELP FOR
DEPRESSION AND OTHER ISSUES.
WHILE THERE, A URINE TEST CAME
BACK POSITIVE FOR DRUGS.
AND WHEN DOCTORS ASKED HER ABOUT
HER PAST USAGE, SHE WAS
COMPLETELY HONEST WITH THEM, AND
FOR GOOD REASON.
>> MY DECISION TO TELL THE
DOCTORS ABOUT MY DRUG USE WAS
SOLELY SO THAT IF-- IF I DID
ANYTHING WRONG AND THEY COULD
GIVE ME SOMETHING THAT WOULD
HELP MY BABY BECAUSE OF WHAT I
HAD DONE, I HAD NO HESITATION
BECAUSE HE WAS THE ONLY THING I
WAS THINKING ABOUT...
THE ER DOCTOR WAS LIKE, DON'T
WORRY, ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT
YOU'RE HERE AND YOU'RE GETTING
HELP NOW.
HE'S LIKE, YOUR BABY'LL BE
FINE...
HE LEFT THE ROOM AND IT STARTED
FROM THERE.
>> John: NOW, AS YOU CAN
PROBABLY GUESS, THINGS DIDN'T GO
GREAT FROM THAT POINT ON.
WHICH SHOULDN'T BE A SURPRISE.
BECAUSE "AND IT STARTED FROM
THERE" ISN'T GENERALLY THE
LEAD-IN TO AN UPLIFTING STORY.
IT'S AN OMINOUS SETUP, RIGHT UP
THERE WITH "IT WAS A DARK AND
STORMY NIGHT" OR "WELCOME
WELCOME, WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK
TONIGHT!"
AND WHAT FOLLOWED WAS A FUCKING
NIGHTMARE.
BECAUSE WHEN SHE TRIED TO LEAVE
THE HOSPITAL, THIS HAPPENED.
>> WHEN THE SOCIAL WORKER CAME
INTO MY ROOM AND SAID THERE'S A
HEARING, WE NEED YOU TO COME TO
THE CONFERENCE ROOM RIGHT NOW,
IT WAS A SHOCK.
AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN LIKE
THERE'S A SPEAKERPHONE IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE ROOM AND SHE'S
PUTTING A JUDGE ON.
>> THIS IS THE TIME AND DATE SET
FOR A TEMPORARY PHYSICAL CUSTODY
HEARING.
THE GUARDIAN AD LITUM FOR THE
UNBORN CHILD IS MICHAEL
SCHIFFLER.
MS. GRAF, WHAT'S THE COUNTY'S
POSITION ON WHERE MS. LOERTSCHER
IS GOING TO BE PLACED UNTIL THE
CHILD IS BORN?
>> I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING
ON AND THE FIRST THING I SAID
WAS, "I DON'T WANT TO TALK
UNLESS I HAVE A LAWYER."
>> THE 14-WEEK-OLD FETUS HAD A
LAWYER AT THIS HEARING WHO WAS
TAKING A POSITION ADVERSE TO
TAMMY AND WAS REPRESENTED BY
COUNSEL, WHERE TAMMY, WHO HAD
ASKED FOR A LAWYER, DID NOT HAVE
ONE AND WAS DENIED ONE.
>> John: YEAH, THE FETUS HAD A
LAWYER, BUT SHE DIDN'T.
AND REMEMBER: THIS HAPPENED WHEN
SHE WAS JUST 14 WEEKS PREGNANT.
AT THAT POINT, YOU MAY NOT EVEN
BE ABLE TO TELL THE SEX FROM AN
ULTRASOUND.
HONESTLY, IF YOU TRIED TO DO A
GENDER REVEAL THAT EARLY, THE
CLOSEST YOU MIGHT GET IS "IT'S A
PLAINTIFF."
AND THE STATE DIDN'T ALLOW HER
TO LEAVE THE HOSPITAL, ON THE
GROUNDS THAT DOING SO WAS
"CONTRARY TO THE UNBORN CHILD'S
BEST INTEREST."
IN THE END, AFTER SHE REFUSED
COURT-ORDERED INPATIENT DRUG
TREATMENT, SHE WAS JAILED FOR 18
DAYS-- INCLUDING ABOUT 36 HOURS
IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT-- WHICH
IS ARGUABLY A WEIRD THING TO DO
TO SOMEONE WHOSE HEALTH YOU'RE
SUPPOSEDLY TRYING TO SAFEGUARD.
AND AMAZINGLY, IT CAN GET EVEN
WORSE, BECAUSE UNDER FETAL
PERSONHOOD LAWS, PREGNANCY LOSS
CAN CREATE YET ANOTHER PATH INTO
THE CRIMINAL SYSTEM, WITH
MISCARRIAGES AND STILLBIRTHS
SOMETIMES TREATED AS SUSPICIOUS.
THERE ARE MULTIPLE STORIES OF
WOMEN BEING INVESTIGATED OR EVEN
CHARGED WITH CRIMES, INCLUDING
MURDER, FOLLOWING A PREGNANCY
LOSS.
WHICH IS UTTERLY BONKERS, GIVEN
THAT EVERY YEAR IN THE U.S.,
THERE ARE APPROXIMATELY
5 MILLION PREGNANCIES.
AND OF THOSE, ABOUT A MILLION
END IN A MISCARRIAGE, AND OVER
20,000 END IN STILLBIRTH.
AND SOME OF THE WORST
CONSEQUENCES OF EVERYTHING
YOU'VE SEEN TONIGHT HAVE FALLEN
ON WOMEN LIKE CHERIE MASON, WHO
TESTED POSITIVE FOR DRUGS AT THE
HOSPITAL AFTER A STILLBIRTH.
SHE WOUND UP TAKING A PLEA DEAL
FOR MANSLAUGHTER AS A RESULT,
NOT BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS
GUILTY, BUT BECAUSE-- IN HER
WORDS-- "I KNEW THE WAY THAT IT
WORKS HERE IN OKLAHOMA."
SHE NOT ONLY GOT A TWELVE-YEAR
PRISON SENTENCE-- WHICH THEN
TOOK HER AWAY FROM HER OTHER
CHILDREN-- SHE WAS ALSO
REQUIRED TO REGISTER WITH THE
STATE AS A VIOLENT OFFENDER.
UPON HER RELEASE.
AND THE WHOLE SITUATION IS
SUMMED UP BY HER DAUGHTER PRETTY
NICELY.
>> IT WAS UP TO THE DA AND HE
BASICALLY SAID THEY'RE MAKING AN
EXAMPLE OUT OF HER.
I ACTUALLY SAID, "MY MOM'S MORE
THAN AN EXAMPLE.
LIKE, WE NEED HER HERE.
IF YOU WANT TO GET TO THE CORE
OF THE PROBLEM, YOU KNOW, MAYBE
MAKE SOME KIND OF SYSTEM TO
WHERE WE CAN HELP PEOPLE WITH
ADDICTION A LITTLE BIT MORE."
I DON'T-- SOMETIMES I REALLY
DON'T THINK THAT'S WHAT THEY
WANT, THOUGH.
I DON'T THINK THEY-- THEY WANT
TO JUST-- THEY WANT TO HELP
PEOPLE WITH ADDICTION.
I THINK THEY JUST WANT TO MAKE
THE PEOPLE WITH ADDICTION GO
AWAY.
>> John: YEAH, THAT'S FUCKING
AWFUL, AND HONESTLY, IF THAT HAD
HAPPENED TO MY MOM I THINK I'D
ALSO HAVE SMOKED ONE K2'S WORTH
OF CIGARETTES.
AND LOOK, THOSE WHO PUSH FETAL
PERSONHOOD WILL INSIST THAT IT'S
BASED ON A PRINCIPLED STANCE
ABOUT THE SANCTITY OF LIFE, FROM
THE MOMENT OF CONCEPTION.
BUT THERE WAS AN INTERESTING
MOMENT, TWO YEARS AGO, THAT
EXPOSED A CRACK IN THAT
ARGUMENT.
AND IT CONCERNED THIS BIZARRE
NEWS STORY OUT OF ALABAMA.
>> THIS MORNING, A
FIRST-OF-ITS-KIND DECISION BY
THE ALABAMA SUPREME COURT THAT
COULD PUT FAMILIES' ACCESS TO
FERTILITY TREATMENTS IN THE
POST-ROE ERA AT RISK.
THE COURT DETERMINING FROZEN
EMBRYOS QUALIFY AS PEOPLE UNDER
ITS STATE LAW, RULING UNBORN
CHILDREN ARE CHILDREN WITHOUT
EXCEPTION BASED ON DEVELOPMENTAL
STAGE.
THE CHIEF JUSTICE IN A
CONCURRING OPINION QUOTING THE
BIBLE, CITING THE SANCTITY OF
UNBORN LIFE.
THE CASE IN QUESTION INVOLVED A
PATIENT WHO MANAGED TO ACCESS
THE FREEZER STORING FROZEN
EMBRYOS AT AN ALABAMA FERTILITY
CLINIC.
THE PATIENT PICKED UP MULTIPLE
EMBRYOS AND MISTAKENLY DROPPED
AND DESTROYED THEM.
THE STATE'S HIGH COURT SAYS THAT
PATIENT CAN NOW BE HELD LIABLE
IN A WRONGFUL DEATH LAWSUIT.
>> John: OKAY, SETTING ASIDE THE
WEIRD MR. BEAN ANTICS OF THAT
PERSON WALKING INTO A FREEZER
AND JUGGLING FROZEN EMBRYOS FOR
SOME REASON, THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY
BE A PRETTY USEFUL LOGIC TEST.
BECAUSE I'D ARGUE: ANYTHING THAT
YOU CAN ACCIDENTALLY SPILL JUST
ISN'T A PERSON.
YET THAT RULING WAS FOLLOWING
THE FETAL PERSONHOOD ARGUMENT TO
ITS LOGICAL CONCLUSION.
BECAUSE, IF EVERY FERTILIZED EGG
IS A PERSON, THAT WOULD MEAN
THAT EVERY IVF CLINIC-- WHICH
NEED TO PRODUCE A LOT OF EMBRYOS
TO ENSURE SUCCESS-- PROBABLY
THEN NEEDS TO BE SHUT DOWN, AS
THEY WOULDN'T JUST BE STORING
EXTRA EMBRYOS TO MAXIMIZE THE
CHANCE OF SUCCESSFUL
IMPLANTATION-- THEY'D
ESSENTIALLY BE WAREHOUSES WHERE
HUMAN BEINGS REGULARLY DIE.
AND WE DON'T NEED ANY MORE OF
THOSE, GIVEN AMAZON'S GOT THAT
COVERED.
BUT IN THE WAKE OF THAT RULING,
THERE WAS INTENSE PUBLIC OUTCRY,
AND ALABAMA SUDDENLY RUSHED
THROUGH A LAW AIMED AT
PROTECTING PATIENTS AND
PROVIDERS FROM LEGAL LIABILITY
WHEN EMBRYOS ARE DAMAGED OR
DESTROYED DURING IVF.
AND I'VE GOTTA SAY: IT'S PRETTY
TELLING THAT MANY OF THE--
OFTEN MEN-- PUSHING FOR "FETAL
PERSONHOOD" ARE COMPLETELY
UNABLE TO DEFEND THAT DOUBLE
STANDARD.
IN FACT, JUST WATCH SENATOR
TOMMY TUBERVILLE, PICTURED HERE
IN NATURAL POSES THAT SCREAM
"I'VE TOUCHED FOOTBALLS," GET
ASKED ABOUT THAT JUDGE'S RULING
RIGHT AFTER IT HAPPENED.
>> DO YOU HAVE A REACTION TO THE
ALABAMA SUPREME COURT RULING ON
THE FACT THAT EMBRYOS ARE
CHILDREN?
>> YEAH, I WAS ALL FOR IT.
WE NEED TO HAVE MORE KIDS.
WE NEED HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO
DO THAT.
AND I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE RIGHT
THING TO DO BUT--
>> IVF IS USED TO HAVE MORE
CHILDREN, AND RIGHT NOW IVF
SERVICES ARE PAUSED AT SOME OF
THE CLINICS IN ALABAMA.
AREN'T YOU CONCERNED THAT THIS
COULD IMPACT PEOPLE WHO ARE
TRYING TO HAVE KIDS?
>> WELL, THAT'S FOR-- THAT'S
FOR ANOTHER CONVERSATION.
PEOPLE NEED TO HAVE THAT-- WE
NEED MORE KIDS.
WE NEED THE PEOPLE TO HAVE THE
OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE KIDS.
>> SENATOR, WHAT DO YOU SAY TO
THE WOMEN RIGHT NOW IN ALABAMA
WHO NO LONGER HAVE ACCESS TO IVF
AND WHO WILL NOT AS A RESULT OF
THIS RULING?
WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THEM?
>> WELL, THAT'S A HARD ONE, IT
REALLY IS.
IT'S REALLY HARD, 'CAUSE AGAIN,
YOU WANT PEOPLE TO HAVE THAT
OPPORTUNITY.
AND THAT'S WHY I WAS TELLING
HER, WE NEED MORE KIDS.
>> John: OKAY, ENOUGH!
CAN WE PLEASE AGREE: NO MORE
LAWS ABOUT WOMEN'S BODIES MADE
BY MEN WHO'VE AT SOME POINT
DEFINITELY GOOGLED "WHEN GIRL
PUT IN TAMPON, WHY NOT CUM?"
LOOK, WHATEVER THE RHETORIC USED
TO JUSTIFY FETAL PERSONHOOD, IN
PRACTICE, IT EFFECTIVELY TREATS
WOMEN AS INCUBATORS.
AS THAT PISS LAWYER FROM BEFORE
BEFORE-- COMPLIMENTARY BY THE
WAY-- POINTS OUT, THEY'RE
EFFECTIVELY STRIPPING WOMEN OF
THEIR RIGHTS AND AUTONOMY.
>> THERE IS NO WAY TO ADD
FERTILIZED EGGS, EMBRYOS, AND
FETUSES TO THE CONSTITUTION
WITHOUT SUBTRACTING PREGNANT
WOMEN.
IF WE PASS LAWS THAT TREAT
FERTILIZED EGGS, EMBRYOS, AND
FETUSES AS IF THEY'RE ENTIRELY
SEPARATE, THEN WOMEN WILL ALSO
BE SUBJECTED TO A PERMANENT
SECOND-CLASS STATUS.
>> John: EXACTLY.
WOMEN WOULD EFFECTIVELY BE
SECOND-CLASS CITIZENS.
OR AS THIS ASSHOLE LIKES TO CALL
THEM: "HOSTS."
REMEMBER: HE LOOKED IT UP IN
WEBSTER'S, AND APPARENTLY THAT
MAKES IT FINE.
SO WHAT CAN BE DONE?
WELL, IN SOME STATES,
LEGISLATORS HAVE INTRODUCED
BILLS DESIGNED TO HIGHLIGHT HOW
STUPID THESE LAWS ARE, LIKE
MISSISSIPPI'S "CONTRACEPTION
BEGINS AT ERECTION" ACT, WHICH
PROPOSED IMPOSING $10,000 FINES
FOR SUBSEQUENT OFFENSES ON THOSE
WHO "DISCHARGE GENETIC MATERIAL
WITHOUT THE INTENT TO FERTILIZE
AN EMBRYO."
WHICH FRANKLY MEANS I'M ABOUT TO
OWE A LOT OF MONEY BECAUSE I'VE
NOW SEEN THIS PICTURE AND I NEED
TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
BUT MUCH MORE SERIOUS SOLUTIONS
COULD INCLUDE STATES REPEALING
OR REMOVING FETAL-PERSONHOOD
LANGUAGE EMBEDDED IN STATE LAW,
OR AT THE VERY LEAST, WHEN THEY
PAS LAWS THAT-- TO THE EXTENT
THEY'RE PROTECTING FETUSES--
EXPLICITLY RULE OUT ENFORCEMENT
AGAINST THE HUMAN BEING CARRYING
THEM.
WE COULD ALSO END SECRET DRUG
TESTS IN HOSPITALS-- WHICH CAN
WORK.
AT ONE IN CONNECTICUT, DOCTORS
ARE NOW DIRECTED TO TEST ONLY IF
DOING SO WILL INFORM MEDICAL
CARE.
AND SINCE THAT POLICY CHANGED,
IT'S CURBED UNNECESSARY CHILD
WELFARE REPORTS, WHICH DROPPED
BY ALMOST 50%-- WITHOUT HARMING
BABIES.
IN FACT, SINCE THEN, NOT A
SINGLE BABY CAME IN TO THE
HOSPITAL WITH UNCONTROLLED
WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS.
AND I KNOW THIS STORY HAS BEEN
BLEAK AND VERY SCARY.
SO IF YOU'RE PREGNANT, AND LIVE
SOMEWHERE WHERE YOU'RE
VULNERABLE TO THE LEGAL PERILS
YOU'VE SEEN TONIGHT,
YOU SHOULD KNOW ORGANIZATIONS
LIKE PREGNANCY JUSTICE AND "IF
WHEN HOW" RUN LEGAL HELPLINES
YOU CAN CONTACT AT THESE
NUMBERS.
I HATE THAT THAT'S NECESSARY,
BUT WE ARE WHERE WE ARE.
AND WITH ANY LUCK, WE WON'T STAY
HERE FOR LONG.
BECAUSE LOOK: EVEN PLANNED,
RELATIVELY LOW-RISK PREGNANCIES
ARE OBVIOUSLY LIFE AND
BODY-ALTERING EXPERIENCES.
AND IT DOESN'T SEEM RADICAL TO
ME TO WANT TO BE ABLE TO CONTROL
YOUR OWN LIFE AND BODY
THROUGHOUT THAT EXPERIENCE.
AND HOPEFULLY, ONE DAY WE'LL BE
ABLE TO GET TO A POINT WHERE NO
ONE AND NOTHING-- FROM IDIOT
POLITICIANS TO FUCKING
EVERYTHING BAGELS-- CAN TAKE
THAT AWAY FROM YOU.
AND NOW THIS.
>> Announcer: AND NOW,
C-SPAN HOSTS HAVE JUST ONE
REQUEST FOR THEIR CALLERS.
>> THERE'S ONLY ONE THING WE
SHOULD BE CONCERNED ABOUT RIGHT
NOW.
AND I BELIEVE IT IS JANUARY 6TH.
>> TURN YOUR TV DOWN, TED,
YOU'RE ALREADY ON.
WENDY, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO
TURN DOWN YOUR TELEVISION.
ARE YOU THERE?
>> I'M HERE.
>> YOU HAVE TO TURN DOWN YOUR TV
REAL QUICK.
>> HELLO?
>> YES I'M HERE.
YES.
YES YOU'RE ON THE AIR BUT YOU'VE
GOT TO MUTE YOUR TV AND TALK ON
THE PHONE.
>> SORRY.
I JUST WOKE UP.
>> GOOD MORNING, HOW ARE YOU?
EVERYBODY GOOD?
>> EVERYBODY'S GOOD, GO AHEAD.
>> , LEONARD, I'M GOING TO PUT
YOU ON HOLD BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT
TO TURN DOWN YOUR TELEVISION.
TURN DOWN YOUR TELEVISION.
JEFF, TURN THAT TV DOWN AND DAN
IT'S BEST IF YOU TURN DOWN YOUR
TV DOWN.
DOING WELL, TURN YOUR TV DOWN
AND GO AHEAD WITH YOUR COMMENT.
>> HELEN, PLEASE TURN DOWN YOUR
TV.
LISTEN AND TALK THROUGH THE
PHONE.
>> OKAY.
>> RANDY, TURN DOWN YOUR TV SO
WE CAN HEAR YOU, PLEASE.
>> OKAY, I'M SORRY.
>> IT'S ALL RIGHT.
>> I CAN'T HEAR THE PROGRAM.
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME TO TURN
MY TV DOWN I'D GET THE PROGRAM.
>> WHAT'S YOUR QUESTION OR
COMMENT AND THEN GO AHEAD AND
TURN YOUR TV BACK UP.
>> OKAY, I'LL KEEP IT WHEN I GET
TO THE PERSON THERE.
IS THAT OKAY?
>> YOU'RE ON WITH THOMAS.
WHAT'S YOUR QUESTION?
>> OH, OKAY I DIDN'T KNOW IF I
WAS ON THE PROGRAM.
>> GOOD MORNING, I HAVE A
PET PEEVE.
PEOPLE TURN DOWN YOUR TV SETS
WHEN YOU COME AND TALK.
WHY DO YOU THINK YOU SOUND
INTELLIGENT IF YOU CAN'T TURN
DOWN YOUR TV?
>> John: MOVING ON, BEFORE WE
GO, A QUICK UPDATE ABOUT SOAP
OPERAS.
YOU MAY REMEMBER: BACK IN MARCH,
AFTER DISCOVERING
STEPHEN A. SMITH HAS BEEN A
CHARACTER ON "GENERAL HOSPITAL"
FOR A DECADE, I OFFERED MYSELF
TO ANY SOAP OPERA THAT WOULD
HAVE ME, ON A FEW CONDITIONS:
ONE, I WANTED TO PLAY A
CHARACTER WITH A RIDICULOUS
NAME.
TWO, I WANTED A JUICY STORYLINE.
AND THREE, I WANTED TO BE
SLAPPED.
WELL, AS I'VE MENTIONED, BOTH
"GENERAL HOSPITAL", AND
"DAYS OF OUR LIVES" CAME THROUGH
WITH OFFERS.
AND BOTH HAVE NOW AIRED.
SO GIVEN THAT MY HOT SOAP SUMMER
IS NOW DONE, I WANTED TO TAKE A
MOMENT TO LET YOU KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT HAPPENED.
AND LET'S START WITH
"GENERAL HOSPITAL", WHERE I
LOOKED LIKE THIS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I GOT TO ACT WHILE SPORTING HAIR
THAT LOOKS LIKE IF L'OREAL SOLD
A COLOR CALLED "MID LIFE CRISIS
BLACK."
AND TO "GENERAL HOSPITAL"'S
CREDIT, THEY MET ALL MY
REQUIREMENTS, AND MORE.
FIRST, MY CHARACTER GOT TO
ARRIVE VIA HELICOPTER, FLANKED
BY A PAIR OF ARMED GOONS, AND I
GOT TO DO A DRAMATIC WALK,
DURING WHICH I BRAVELY SHOT IN
THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF A GUY
WHO WAS ALREADY ON THE GROUND.
IT'S CALLED "BEING AN ACTION
STAR."
UNLESS YOU'RE ME OR VIN DIESEL,
YOU REALLY WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.
AND THEN IN MY NEXT SCENE, I
REVEALED MY TRUE IDENTITY.
♪ ♪
[BEEPING]
>> GOOD MORNING, AGENT JACKS.
>> YOU'RE--
>> I AM INDEED.
>> YOU'RE THE HEAD OF THE WSB.
>> FEEL FREE TO CALL ME Z.
>> OKAY.
WHAT DOES Z STAND FOR?
>> IT'S MY NOM DE GUERRE.
>> RIGHT.
>> John: YEAH.
I PLAYED "Z"-- THE HEAD OF AN
INTERNATIONAL SPY AGENCY THAT
FOR SOME REASON HAS AGENTS IN
THE FICTIONAL TOWN OF
PORT CHARLES.
QUICK SIDE NOTE: YOU MIGHT
REMEMBER WE ONLY STUMBLED INTO
THIS BECAUSE ONE OF OUR WRITERS'
MOTHERS IS OBSESSED WITH
"GENERAL HOSPITAL."
SO YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW THAT
WHEN CONNIE OF NEWNAN, GEORGIA
SAW MY FIRST EPISODE SHE TEXTED
HER DAUGHTER, AND I QUOTE:
"VERY JAMES BOND!"
AND THANK YOU CONNIE, BUT YOU'RE
ACTUALLY WRONG.
AND TO BE HONEST, NOT FOR THE
FIRST TIME, EITHER.
REMEMBER WHEN YOU GROUNDED YOUR
DAUGHTER FOR "STEALING THE
CUPCAKE TINS" THAT HAD GONE
MISSING IN YOUR HOUSE?
YOU WERE WRONG THEN, TOO.
SHE DIDN'T STEAL THOSE TINS, SHE
DIDN'T EVEN TOUCH THEM.
IT WAS PROBABLY HER BROTHER.
AND YET, SHE GOT THE PUNISHMENT.
AND LOOK AT HER NOW, USING ME TO
ROAST YOUR ASS FOR IT ON
TELEVISION.
SO "GENERAL HOSPITAL" ALREADY
MET TWO OF MY CONDITIONS THERE:
STUPID NAME, JUICY STORYLINE.
AS FOR GETTING SLAPPED, WELL,
THEY KNOCKED THAT, AND ME, OUT
OF THE PARK, TOO.
BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT THAT
AGENT'S MOTHER WAS NOT HAPPY
WITH ME.
>> I SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT
PRAYING THAT SHE WAS GONNA BE
OKAY, AND I CAN'T EVEN GET INTO
A ROOM TO CHECK ON HER BECAUSE
YOUR AGENTS WON'T LET ME.
>> AN OVERSIGHT.
I'LL HAVE YOUR NAME ADDED TO THE
LIST OF APPROVED VISITORS.
>> I DON'T WANT TO BE ADDED TO
THE LIST.
I WANT MY DAUGHTER BACK!
>> THEN LET ME PUT THIS IN
LANGUAGE THAT YOU WILL
UNDERSTAND.
THAT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.
[SLAP]
♪ ♪
>> John: YES!
YES!
THAT HAD EVERYTHING!
A SLAP, A DRAMATIC CLOSE-UP, AND
ME DOING A VOICE SO WRONG IT'S
GENUINELY EMBARRASSING.
THAT WAS MY HONEST ATTEMPT AT AN
AMERICAN ACCENT.
I CAN'T TELL YOU WHY IT'S
SOUTHERN.
I CAN ONLY TELL YOU I WAS TRYING
MY HARDEST.
AND FRANKLY, I COULD HAVE DIED
HAPPY AFTER THAT.
I GOT TO HAVE THE SHIT SLAPPED
OUT OF ME AFTER AN ICONIC SOAP
ACTOR SCREAMED IN MY FACE, "I
WANT MY DAUGHTER BACK!"
WHAT MORE COULD ANYONE ASK FOR?
AND YET, THE SOAP GODS SMILED ON
ME AGAIN.
BECAUSE THIS WEEK I ALSO
APPEARED ON "DAYS OF OUR LIVES"
IN SCENES ALONGSIDE SOAP LEGENDS
LIKE JACKEE HARRY AND
SUSAN SEAFORTH HAYES.
AND THE "DAYS OF OUR LIVES" TEAM
MET MY DEMANDS IN A WHOLE
DIFFERENT WAY.
BECAUSE INSTEAD OF BEING AN
INTERNATIONAL SPY BOSS, THEY
WROTE ME A CHARACTER A LITTLE
MORE MY SPEED.
>> I'M DEVLIN ST. JOHN,
CHIEF CITY WATER INSPECTOR.
I'M THE ONLY THING STANDING
BETWEEN THIS TOWN AND A
CATASTROPHIC PLUMBING FAILURE.
A LITERAL SEWAGE APOCALYPSE.
>> John: YEAH, THEY MADE ME
SALEM'S CHIEF CITY WATER
INSPECTOR.
WHICH, LET'S BE HONEST, IS
PERFECT CASTING.
IF YOU WERE TO BOTTLE MY ESSENCE
AND SELL IT AS COLOGNE IT WOULD
BE CALLED: "CHIEF CITY WATER
INSPECTOR."
AS FOR THE HAIR, I AGREE: IT'S
ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE.
IT'S BEEN REPORTED THIS WEEK
THAT IT'S A WIG I BROUGHT TO SET
FROM HOME.
AND WHILE IT WASN'T "FROM HOME,"
WE DID ACTUALLY PROVIDE THAT
WIG, AND FOR GOOD REASON.
I'VE SEEN MYSELF ACT, I KNEW THE
HAIR WAS GOING TO HAVE TO DO 90%
OF THE WORK.
I'LL BE HONEST-- I WAS GOING
FOR A HEALTHY JOHN STAMOS LOOK,
BUT INSTEAD IT APPEARS I ENDED
UP LOOKING MORE LIKE TINA FROM
BOB'S BURGERS.
AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHETHER
I GOT SLAPPED ON "DAYS OF OUR
LIVES"-- NOT ONLY WAS I SLAPPED
BY A MAN WEARING ELEGANT SILK
PAJAMAS, I ALSO GOT TO SLAP HIM,
WHICH FELT INCREDIBLE.
BUT WAIT!
I WAS ALSO STABBED WITH A
SYRINGE-- AND NOT ONCE, NOT
EVEN TWICE, BUT THREE DIFFERENT
TIMES.
AND IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH, THIS
HAPPENED TOO.
>> YOU'RE RIGHT NOT TO TRUST ME.
>> WHAT?
OH, NOT AGAIN.
PLEASE NO, I DON'T WANT TO.
♪ ♪
>> John: ARE YOU NOT
ENTERTAINED?
WATCHING THAT MAKES ME FEEL THE
WAY I ASSUME MATT DAMON FELT
AFTER SEEING THE FIRST CUT OF
"THE ODYSSEY": BOTH PROUD AND
IMPRESSED THAT MY BODY COULD
EVEN DO THAT.
WHICH, AGAIN, YOU WOULDN'T
UNDERSTAND.
YOU'RE NOT AN ACTION STAR LIKE I
AM NOW.
AND LOOK, I WISH I COULD TAKE
FULL CREDIT FOR WHAT A FEAST
THAT CLIP IS, BUT IT'S ALL
THANKS TO THE "DAYS OF OUR
LIVES" TEAM.
I ONLY DEMANDED TO BE SLAPPED, I
DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT BEING
TASED.
BUT EVEN I ADMIT IT'S PRETTY
CATHARTIC TO SEE ME
INCAPACITATED TO THE POINT OF
SILENCE.
AND LOOK, I WON'T GET INTO ALL
THE TWISTS AND TURNS THAT MY
CHARACTER GOT INTO, BUT IN MY
FINAL SCENE, I GOT A HELL OF A
SEND-OFF.
>> YOU'RE A BREATH OF FRESH AIR,
MR. ST. JOHN.
YOU REMIND ME OF THAT MAN ON
TELEVISION WHO CALLS HIMSELF A
COMEDIAN, BUT MOSTLY JUST SHOUTS
THE NEWS AT A SPEED NO HUMAN CAN
UNDERSTAND IT.
I JUST WISH WE WOULD HAVE MET
UNDER DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES.
GOOD NIGHT, SWEET PRINCE.
♪ ♪
>> John: YEAH, I GOT
CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN!
MEANING TECHNICALLY, I CAN
ALWAYS COME BACK.
IN FACT, NEITHER SHOW ENDED UP
KILLING ME OFF, THOUGH TO BE
HONEST, THAT DOESN'T NECESSARILY
MEAN ANYTHING ANYWAY.
IT'S SOAP OPERAS.
NO ONE EVER REALLY DIES.
SO A MASSIVE THANK YOU TO
EVERYONE AT BOTH
"GENERAL HOSPITAL" AND
"DAYS OF OUR LIVES" FOR MAKING
MY SOAP OPERA DREAMS COME TRUE.
I WISH I COULD SAY THAT BEING
SURROUNDED BY SO MANY TALENTED
PROFESSIONALS HAS MADE ME A
BETTER ACTOR, BUT I THINK DEEP
DOWN, WE ALL KNOW.
>> THAT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!
>> John: THAT AIN'T GONNA
HAPPEN!
THAT'S OUR SHOW.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
GOOD NIGHT!
THAT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!
IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
>> EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE