♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT"!
I'M JOHN OLIVER, THANK YOU SO
MUCH FOR JOINING US.
IT HAS BEEN A BUSY WEEK!
ELON MUSK BECAME THE WORLD'S
FIRST TRILLIONAIRE, TRUMP TURNED
80 AND CELEBRATED BY WATCHING
MEN FIGHT ON HIS LAWN, AND THE
TEXAS REPUBLICAN PARTY HELD
THEIR CONVENTION, AND BROUGHT A
LIVE ELEPHANT ALONG, ONLY FOR
THIS TO HAPPEN.
♪ ♪
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
GOOD ELEPHANT.
WELL DONE.
SET ASIDE THAT'S BASICALLY JUST
A REAL-LIFE EDITORIAL CARTOON
THAT'S SO MUCH MORE PISS THAN I
THOUGHT AN ELEPHANT COULD
PRODUCE.
AND I WANT TO THANK THIS
CREATURE WITH A BLADDER THE SIZE
OF A SUBARU FOR PROVING ME WRONG
AT THE BEST POSSIBLE TIME.
MEANWHILE, THE IRAN WAR MAY'VE
POTENTIALLY ENTERED ITS END
STAGES, WITH TRUMP CLAIMING ALL
WEEK THAT A PEACE DEAL WAS
IMMINENT -- SOMETHING SLIGHTLY
UNDERCUT BY THE FACT HE'D
PREVIOUSLY SAID THAT AT LEAST 38
TIMES.
ALSO, THERE ARE REAL QUESTIONS
ABOUT WHAT THE DEAL MIGHT
CONTAIN, OR HOW LONG IT MIGHT
HOLD, GIVEN HOW CHAOTIC THE WEEK
WAS LEADING UP TO IT.
>> OVER THE PAST 24 HOURS
PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS GONE FROM
THREATENING STRIKES TO CALLING
OFF STRIKES TO ONCE AGAIN
CLAIMING A PEACE DEAL IS WITHIN
REACH.
>> I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HEARD
BUT WE ENDED THE WAR WITH IRAN
TODAY.
THE PRESIDENT SAYS AS PART OF
THE AGREEMENT THE STRAIT OF
HORMUZ WOULD REOPEN.
BUT THE FUTURE OF IRAN'S NUCLEAR
PROGRAM, ONE OF HIS BIGGEST
REASONS FOR STARTING THE WAR IN
THE FIRST PLACE, WOULD BE
DISCUSSED IN THE WEEKS TO
FOLLOW.
>> SO IS THIS JUST ESSENTIALLY
SETTING THE STAGE FOR DEEPER
TALKS ON NUCLEAR?
>> IT'S A VERY STRONG MEMORANDUM
OF UNDERSTANDING THAT IS A
LITTLE CONCEPTUAL.
>> John: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
"IT'S A VERY STRONG MEMORANDUM
OF UNDERSTANDING THAT IS A
LITTLE CONCEPTUAL?"
IT'S NOT IDEAL TO BE TALKING
ABOUT SOMETHING AS IMPORTANT AS
THIS, WHILE SOUNDING LIKE AN ART
HISTORY MAJOR DESCRIBING A
ROTHKO WHILE HAVING A STROKE.
AND LOOK, WE'RE TAPING THIS ON
SATURDAY, SO WHO KNOWS WHAT WILL
HAVE HAPPENED BY THE TIME YOU
SEE THIS?
BUT I WILL SAY -- IRAN'S
MILITARY FORCE DENIED THAT IRAN
WOULD SIGN AN AGREEMENT WITH THE
UNITED STATES ON SUNDAY, AND
SUGGESTED THAT TRUMP WAS ONLY
PUSHING IT SO HARD BECAUSE HE
WANTED A DEAL TO COINCIDE WITH
HIS BIRTHDAY.
WHICH, I WILL SAY -- WOULDN'T BE
THE FIRST TIME HE EXPLOITED IRAN
FOR PERSONAL REASONS, GIVEN HE'D
PREVIOUSLY SUGGESTED THAT
ONGOING NEGOTIATIONS WERE THE
REASON HE COULDN'T ATTEND
DON JR.'S WEDDING, SAYING, IT'S
NOT GOOD TIMING FOR ME, "I HAVE
A THING CALLED IRAN."
WHICH IS INCREDIBLE.
"PRESIDENT DAD MISSED SON'S
WEDDING FOR A PEACE DEAL HE
DIDN'T GET" ISN'T BREAKING
HEMINGWAY RECORDS FOR SHORTEST
SAD STORY, BUT IT MIGHT BE THE
DUMBEST.
ON TOP OF ALL OF THIS THE
WORLD CUP BEGAN THIS WEEK WITH
SPECTACULAR OPENING CEREMONIES
IN THE THREE HOST COUNTRIES.
MEXICO WENT WITH SHAKIRA AND
SALMA HAYEK, CANADA HAD
MICHAEL BUBLE AND
ALANIS MORISSETTE, WHILE AMERICA
FOR SOME REASON OPTED FOR KATY
PERRY, DRESSED LIKE A LAMPSHADE.
WITH THE U.S. AS ONE OF THIS
YEAR'S HOSTS, VISITORS FROM
AROUND THE WORLD HAVE BEEN
MARVELING AT WHAT THIS COUNTRY
HAS TO OFFER, AND IT'S BEEN FUN
TO SEE AMERICA THROUGH THEIR
EYES.
A SWEDISH VISITOR POSTED "WHY
DID NO ONE TELL ME RANCH SAUCE
IS LIKE CRACK?," A GERMAN NAMED
FREDDY WENT VIRAL WITH POSTS
LIKE THIS ONE, FROM OUTSIDE A
BUC-EE'S, "DUDE LMAO THIS IS A
GAS STATION."
AND IN BOSTON, A BUNCH OF
SCOTTISH FANS FOUND THE INFAMOUS
COP SLIDE AND SENT A BAGPIPER
DOWN IT.
BUT UNFORTUNATELY, NOT
EVERYONE'S BEEN ABLE TO ENJOY
THE WONDERS OF AMERICA.
FANS FROM MORE THAN A QUARTER OF
THE COUNTRIES TAKING PART IN THE
WORLD CUP ARE FACING TRAVEL
BANS, TIGHTER RESTRICTIONS, OR
HIGH VISA REJECTION RATES.
AND WHEN TRUMP WAS ASKED ABOUT
THAT, HIS ANSWER WAS PRETTY
TELLING.
>> SOME PEOPLE ARE AFRAID THAT
IT'S GOING TO BE HARDER AND
HARDER TO GET VISAS TO COME FROM
OUTSIDE.
CAN YOU REASSURE THEM --
>> WE'RE WORKING ON IT VERY
CLOSELY TO MAKE SURE THAT THE
RIGHT PEOPLE COME INTO OUR
COUNTRY.
>> John: OH, "THE RIGHT PEOPLE."
I'LL BE HONEST, I'M NOT SURE I
TRUST TRUMP'S JUDGMENT ON WHO
THE RIGHT PEOPLE ARE, ANY MORE
THAN I TRUST HIS ABILITY TO LOOK
A CIVIL WAR REENACTMENT AND
POINT AT THE GOOD GUYS.
AND IT'S NOT JUST FANS.
IRAQ'S STAR PLAYER WAS HELD FOR
ALMOST SEVEN HOURS AND HAD HIS
PHONE INSPECTED BEFORE BEING
ALLOWED ENTRY.
IRAN'S NATIONAL TEAM HAD TO
RELOCATE THEIR TRAINING CAMP
FROM THE U.S. TO MEXICO, IN
ORDER TO RESOLVE POTENTIAL VISA
ISSUES, AND ONE REFEREE FROM
SOMALIA WAS ACTUALLY DENIED
ENTRY AT MIAMI AIRPORT AND
FORCED TO FLY BACK HOME.
ONE REPORTER ACTUALLY CAUGHT UP
WITH THE HEAD OF THE WHITE HOUSE
TASK FORCE ON THE WORLD CUP
ANDREW GIULIANI -- YES
RELATION -- AND POINTED OUT THE
OBVIOUS PATTERN HERE.
>> GIVEN THE PEOPLE HAVING
TROUBLE ACCESSING THIS
TOURNAMENT AND THEIR SKIN
COLOR --
>> HOW SO?
>> IS THIS SHAPING UP AS A
RACIST WORLD CUP?
>> FIRST OFF, FIRST OFF, EXPLAIN
YOUR QUESTION BECAUSE I THINK
THE PREMISE IS FALSE.
>> SWISS STRIKER BREELE EMBOLO
CAMEROON BORN, HE HAD TROUBLE
GETTING INTO THE COUNTRY.
IRAQI STRIKER IMAN HUSSEIN WAS
DETAINED FOR SEVEN HOURS --
>> ARE, ARE, ARE, ARE IN THE
COUNTRY?
THEY'RE IN THE COUNTRY?
>> THEY WERE DETAINED.
>> DON'T YOU THINK THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING ABOUT A
TOURNAMENT IS MAKING SURE THAT
THOSE FANS THAT COME TO THE
UNITED STATES, ALL THOSE
AMERICANS THAT ARE GONNA ENJOY
THIS TOURNAMENT, THAT THEY'RE
SAFE AND SECURE.
THAT'S WHAT I ULTIMATELY THINK
IS IMPORTANT. WE'RE GOING TO
CONTINUE TO FOCUS ON THAT --
>> WAS A SOMALIAN REFEREE NOT
ALLOWED INTO THE COUNTRY BECAUSE
DONALD TRUMP HAS A PROBLEM WITH
SOMALIA?
>> John: THAT'S PRETTY DAMNING
ALTHOUGH I "DO" LOVE THE
IMMEDIATE WHIPLASH OF "EXPLAIN
YOUR QUESTION, YOUR PREMISE IS
FALSE" TO "OH, I UNDERSTAND THE
QUESTION NOW, EXCUSE ME I HAVE
TO LEAVE."
BUT I GUESS YOU'D EXPECT NOTHING
LESS FROM ANDREW GIULIANI -- NOT
JUST RUDY'S SON, BUT A GUY WITH
TRULY ABYSMAL VIBES.
HE LOOKS LIKE RON HOWARD
DROWNED.
HE LOOKS LIKE HE GOT KICKED OFF
DUKE'S GOLF TEAM FOR BEING TOO
MUCH OF A DICK...
BUT THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE HE
ACTUALLY DID!
THAT'S A REAL THING THAT
HAPPENED!
THAT MAN IS EXACTLY WHO YOU
THINK HE IS.
MEANWHILE, GIANNI INFANTINO, THE
HEAD OF FIFA AND NOT -- AS YOU
MIGHT'VE GUESSED BY HIS NAME AND
FACE -- ITALY'S VERSION OF
"THE BOSS BABY," HAS CLAIMED
THAT "THE WORLD IS WELCOME IN
AMERICA," VERY MUCH A "CITATION
NEEDED" SORT OF A STATEMENT.
AND WHEN A REPORTER PRESSED
INFANTINO THIS WEEK ON THE
PROBLEMS PEOPLE WERE
ENCOUNTERING, HIS RESPONSE WAS
MADDENING.
>> CHILL, RELAX.
WE WORK ON EVERYTHING, WE TRY TO
SOLVE EVERYTHING.
>> YOU SAY WE SHOULD RELAX ABOUT
THESE SITUATIONS.
BUT YOU'VE GOT ONE OF THE
WORLD'S TOP REFEREES TOLD HE
CAN'T ENTER THE UNITED STATES
SENT BACK HOME, ACCUSED OF
HAVING LINKS WITH SUSPECTED
TERROR ORGANIZATIONS.
ARE YOU EMBARRASSED THEREFORE BY
WHAT HAS ACTUALLY COME TO PASS?
AND HAVE YOU -- DO YOU HAVE TO
ACCEPT THAT YOU'VE LOST SOME
CONTROL OF YOUR OWN TOURNAMENT
HERE?
>> WHEN I SAY TO "CHILL", I
DON'T MEAN TO CHILL AND DO
NOTHING.
I MEAN, TO TRUST US.
>> John: LOOK, THERE ARE TIMES
WHEN "NO WORRIES" IS A GOOD
ATTITUDE.
LIKE WHEN YOU'RE MEDITATING, OR
WHEN YOUR FATHER'S BEEN MURDERED
BY YOUR UNCLE, YOU FLED YOUR
HOME AND NOW YOU'RE MOVING IN
WITH YOUR FRIENDLY GAY
NEIGHBORS.
BUT WHEN TRUMP'S USING THE WORLD
CUP AS AN EXCUSE TO PUNISH
SPECIFIC GROUPS OF PEOPLE
TELLING EVERYONE TO "CHILL"
WON'T CUT IT.
AND AS FOR "TRUST FIFA," NO
FUCKING WAY.
WE'VE DONE MULTIPLE STORIES ON
HOW TERRIBLE THEY ARE.
I CAN BARELY THINK OF A LESS
ETHICAL ORGANIZATION -- AND I'M
VERY MUCH INCLUDING COMPANIES
LIKE "LET'S KILL SOME WILDLIFE!"
"GIVE US YOUR BLOOD, IT'S FINE
WE SWEAR," "BOOMER BRAINROT
FEATURING MYANMAR GENOCIDE" AND
"OOPS, WE DIDN'T PUT THE WINGS
ON RIGHT."
AND IT'S ESPECIALLY HARD TO
TRUST FIFA TO STAND UP TO TRUMP
GIVEN INFANTINO'S SUCKED UP TO
HIM IN SO MANY WAYS -- HE'S
ACTUALLY MADE MORE PUBLIC
APPEARANCES IN THE OVAL OFFICE
DURING TRUMP'S SECOND TERM THAN
ANY WORLD POLITICAL LEADER.
AND HE OPENED AN OFFICE IN TRUMP
TOWER IN MANHATTAN, MEANING FIFA
ARE PAYING RENT TO THE TRUMP
FAMILY BUSINESS.
ALSO, FIFA NOT ONLY MOVED THE
WORLD CUP DRAW AWAY FROM LAS
VEGAS TO THE KENNEDY CENTER.
REMEMBER: THEY HAD THE GALL TO
PRESENT TRUMP WITH THE INAUGURAL
"FIFA PEACE PRIZE" DURING IT.
>> MR. PRESIDENT, THIS IS YOUR
PRIZE, THIS IS YOUR PEACE PRIZE.
THERE IS ALSO A BEAUTIFUL MEDAL
FOR YOU THAT YOU CAN WEAR
EVERYWHERE YOU WANT TO GO.
>> John: THAT'S SO MUCH
WEIRDNESS IN ONE 12 SECOND CLIP.
FIRST, INFANTINO SAYING "IT'S A
BEAUTIFUL MEDAL YOU CAN WEAR
EVERYWHERE YOU WANT TO GO,"
SOUNDS LIKE HE'S SELLING IT ON
THE HOME SHOPPING NETWORK.
THEN THERE'S TRUMP'S EXCITED
REACTION.
HE SAW THAT MEDAL, WENT
"OOOOOOH" LIKE A MONKEY SPOTTING
A BANANA, THEN YOINKED IT OUT OF
THE BOX LIKE THE HAMBURGLAR.
HE LOOKS LIKE A CARTOON CAT
PULLING A FISHBONE OUT OF A
GARBAGE CAN.
THAT'D BE GROSS ENOUGH, BUT
INFANTINO STILL WASN'T DONE
PANDERING, BECAUSE HE ALSO --
AND THIS IS TRUE -- HIRED THE
VILLAGE PEOPLE TO PLAY "YMCA"
FOR HIM AT THAT EVENT, SO HE
COULD DANCE TO HIS FAVORITE
SONG.
WHICH IS REALLY A MATCH MADE IN
HEAVEN SINCE THE VILLAGE PEOPLE
AND TRUMP BOTH ELICIT THE
EMOTION "OH!
THEY'RE STILL ALIVE," JUST WITH
SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT GENERAL
TONES.
AND IN HINDSIGHT, THAT MIGHT
ACTUALLY TURN OUT TO BE THE HIGH
POINT OF HIS SECOND TERM.
BECAUSE SINCE THEN, HIS APPROVAL
RATING'S CRATERED, HE'S STARTED
A STUPID WAR HE DOESN'T SEEM TO
KNOW HOW TO END, AND THE VERY
BUILDING WHERE THAT TOOK PLACE
STARTED REMOVING HIS NAME FROM
THE FRONT OF IT THIS WEEKEND.
AT THIS POINT, SURELY EVEN HIS
MOST ARDENT SUPPORTERS MUST SEE
THAT LETTING HIM BACK INTO THE
WHITE HOUSE WAS LIKE BRINGING AN
ELEPHANT TO A CONVENTION CENTER:
IT WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA FROM THE
START, AND YOU DON'T GET TO BE
SURPRISED THAT IT'S CAUSED A
GIGANTIC MESS.
AND NOW THIS.
>> Announcer: AND NOW
DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THE BROKEN
URINAL AT SCRANTON?
>> NO.
>> ONE OF THEM CLOSEST TO THE
STUDIO HAS BEEN BUSTED OUT FOR
TWO WEEKS.
>> RIGHT THERE THROUGH FIVE AND
6:00, TOTAL SUNSHINE.
OUR URINAL IS BROKE HERE.
JOHN, I JUST CHECKED, IT STILL
--
>> IT STILL BROKEN?
>> ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
>> I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS JUST
A RUMOR BUT SOMEONE FLUSHED DUDE
WIPES DOWN THE TOILET HERE.
>> THIS IS NOW PLACED ON THE
URINAL.
IT'S THE URINAL REBUILDER KIT.
SHOULD WE DO THIS?
IT'S A URINAL REBUILDER KIT.
>> JOHN, DID YOU SEE THE GOOD
NEWS IN THE LAVATORY?
>> IT'S EXCITING.
>> I HEARD ABOUT IT.
>> THE URINAL IS BACK.
>> I SAW THEM WORKING ON IT
YESTERDAY.
>> I LOST ABOUT 5 POUNDS WALKING
TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE
BUILDING URINAL OVER THE LAST
WEEK.
CHECK IT OUT.
THE ONE CLOSE TO THE WEATHER
OFFICE.
FINALLY, IT'S BEEN FIXED, RIGHT?
WE ARE BACK IN BUSINESS, BIG GUY
GUY.
>> IT IS OPEN ONCE AGAIN.
>> NO DISTANCE WALKING.
>> OKAY.
>> TOPPING OUR NEWS THIS
MORNING, A MAN IS DEAD AFTER A
HOUSE FIRE.
>> John: MOVING ON.
BEFORE WE GET TO OUR MAIN STORY
TONIGHT, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT AN AREA IN THE UK CALLED
MAKERFIELD.
IT'S BETWEEN MANCHESTER AND
LIVERPOOL AND CONTAINS, AMONG
OTHER THINGS, PARTS OF WIGAN
THE TOWN WHERE, CHARMINGLY
WALLACE AND GROMIT LIVE, AND
WHICH WAS -- SLIGHTLY LESS
CHARMINGLY -- ONCE PORTRAYED BY
GEORGE ORWELL AS "A SINKHOLE OF
MISERY."
TWO FUN FACTS I FRANKLY CAN'T
BELIEVE AARDMAN ANIMATORS
HAVEN'T ALREADY COMBINED INTO A
SINGLE MOVIE.
AND TO BE FAIR: GEORGE ORWELL'S
NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH A LOW
OPINION OF WIGAN.
JUST WATCH AS THIS GUY PAYS THE
TOWN A VISIT AND INTERVIEWS SOME
LOCAL KIDS.
>> WHAT'S THE BEST THING ABOUT
WIGAN?
>> IT'S SHIT.
>> IT'S SHIT?
>> YEAH.
>> ONLY GOOD THING IS GALLOWAYS'
PIES.
>> BUT WHY DOES EVERYONE SAY
GALLOWAYS' PIES?
>> 'CAUSE IT'S BETTER.
>> BOLTON OR WIGAN?
>> BOLTON.
>> REALLY?
>> YEAH, I'D CHOSE BOLTON OVER
WIGAN.
IT'S JUST A SHITHOLE, BUT
THEY'RE BOTH SHITHOLES AT THE
END OF THE DAY.
>> John: FANTASTIC.
I THINK MY FAVORITE PART OF THAT
IS "WHY DOES EVERYONE SAY
GALLOWAYS PIES" BEING ANSWERED
WITH, "BECAUSE IT'S BETTER."
BETTER THAN WHAT EXACTLY?
ALTHOUGH, TO BE FAIR, BASED ON
THOSE KIDS' ATTITUDE, I'M
GUESSING THE ANSWER WAS "BETTER
THAN ANY OTHER PART OF MY DAY IN
THIS GODFORSAKEN SHITHOLE TOWN."
AND LOOK, AS NICE AS GALLOWAY'S
PIES SOUNDS, I SHOULD TELL YOU:
ONE OF WIGAN'S PRIZED LOCAL
CUISINES IS ACTUALLY SOMETHING
CALLED A BABBY'S YED, A SUET
PUDDING THAT CAN BE SERVED
"FLOTTIN," OR FLOATING IN GRAVY
OR PEY WET, SERVED WITH, AND I
QUOTE, THE "SORT OF DISCHARGE
THAT COMES OFF OF MUSHY PEAS."
WHICH SOUNDS LESS LIKE A RECIPE
AND MORE LIKE AN EPISODE OF
CHOPPED WHERE THE ONLY
INGREDIENTS WERE ITEMS FOUND IN
THE DUMPSTER.
JUST LISTEN TO THIS MAN EXPLAIN
THE DISH EVEN FURTHER.
>> WHEN YOU TIP IT OUT, IT'S
SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE A BABY'S
HEAD.
THE HAT IS OBVIOUSLY THIS.
SO WHEN THEY ASK FOR BABBY'S YED
WITH T'AT ON, OR "BABY'S HEAD
WITH HAT ON", IT'S TO KEEP IT
WARM.
I DON'T LIKE ALL THE GRAVY AND
THE PEAS AND EVERYTHING UP
AND -- CURRY OR WHATEVER MUSHED
IN.
I LIKE THE CHIPS TO BE DRY
WITH -- AND I'LL SQUASH IT DOWN
LIKE THAT, AND I'LL MIX IT IN
WITH THE CHIPS.
>> John: JUST FOR THE RECORD, I
ALSO FIND THAT DISGUSTING.
IN FACT, I GENUINELY MIGHT
PREFER WATCHING HIM EAT AN
ACTUAL BABY'S HEAD.
NOW, THE REASON I'M TALKING
ABOUT THIS RELATIVELY SMALL AREA
IN NORTHERN ENGLAND IS, FOR
COMPLICATED REASONS, NEXT WEEK
IT MAY END UP DECIDING THE NEXT
PRIME MINISTER OF THE UK, AND
CHANGING THE COURSE OF BRITISH
HISTORY.
AND IF YOU'RE THINKING, "WAIT --
DIDN'T BRITAIN JUST ELECT A NEW
PRIME MINISTER?"
YEAH!
IT DID!
JUST TWO YEARS AGO, KEIR STARMER
AND THE LABOUR PARTY SWEPT TO
POWER, BREAKING THE CONSERVATIVE
PARTY'S STRONGHOLD ON GOVERNMENT
THAT HAD LASTED FOR 14 YEARS.
AND STARMER'S SLOGAN BACK THEN
REALLY WAS "CHANGE."
WHICH MAKES SENSE, AS HE LOOKS
LIKE A MAN WHO SAW OBAMA'S "HOPE
AND CHANGE" CAMPAIGN AND SAID
"HOPE?
C'MON, LET'S NOT GO CRAZY.
LET'S JUST GO WITH CHANGE AND
PUT IT IN THE SMALLEST FONT
IMAGINABLE."
BACK THEN, STARMER WAS RIDING
HIGH, BUT THINGS HAVE NOT GONE
WELL.
>> HE'S BEEN IN OFFICE LESS THAN
TWO YEARS BUT FAILED TO
KICKSTART BRITAIN'S SLUGGISH
ECONOMY.
HE ALSO MADE THE DISASTROUS
DECISION TO APPOINT PETER
MANDELSON AS THE UK'S AMBASSADOR
TO WASHINGTON.
MANDELSON WAS KNOWN TO BE A
LONGTIME FRIEND OF JEFFREY
EPSTEIN.
THE SCANDAL HAS BADLY WEAKENED
STARMER, WHO'S FACED RIDICULE
FROM PRESIDENT TRUMP.
>> THIS IS NOT WINSTON CHURCHILL
THAT WE'RE DEALING WITH.
>> John: YES, "HE'S NOT WINSTON
CHURCHILL," A PRETTY SAVAGE BURN
COMING FROM A MAN WHO HIMSELF IS
VERY MUCH "NOT FDR" -- APART
FROM, OF COURSE, HIS PENCHANT
FOR HIDING HIS MEDICAL
CONDITIONS.
THE POINT IS, VOTERS IN BRITAIN
HAVE TURNED ON STARMER HARD
WHICH CAME TO A HEAD LAST MONTH
DURING LOCAL ELECTIONS AROUND
THE COUNTRY, WHEN LABOUR GOT
ABSOLUTELY CLOBBERED, LOSING
MORE THAN 1,400 REPRESENTATIVES
FROM ENGLISH COUNCILS.
AND IT'S NOT JUST THAT PEOPLE
FEEL STARMER HASN'T DELIVERED
CHANGE, THEY SEEM TO PERSONALLY
LOATHE HIM.
>> WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON
KEIR STARMER?
>> CAN I SWEAR?
>> YOU CAN BE AS HONEST AS YOU
LIKE.
>> HE'S A PRICK.
>> John: PERFECT.
THE ONLY WAY THAT COULD'VE BEEN
BETTER IS IF SHE'D THEN SAID
"ACTUALLY, CAN I TAKE A MINUTE
TO THINK OF A GOOD ONE?
I WANT TO REALLY HURT HIS
FEELINGS.
HANG ON -- CAN I SAY CUNT ON THE
NEWS?"
BUT INCREDIBLY, STARMER'S BEEN
DIGGING IN.
IN FACT, JUST LISTEN TO HIM LAST
MONTH, RIGHT AFTER HIS PARTY GOT
SHELLACKED IN THOSE ELECTIONS.
>> DID YOU CONTEMPLATE THIS
MORNING THAT THE RESPONSIBILITY
IS THAT IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO
AND TO RESIGN?
>> LET ME BE CLEAR, THESE ARE
REALLY TOUGH RESULTS.
I'M NOT GONNA SUGAR-COAT IT.
>> DID YOU CONTEMPLATE THAT THE
PROBLEM MIGHT BE YOU, THAT YOU
MIGHT NEED TO GO TO HELP LABOUR
WIN THESE SEATS BACK?
DID YOU EVEN CONTEMPLATE IT?
DID YOU ACKNOWLEDGE IT AS A
CONVERSATION, EVEN?
>> LOOK, I THINK IT'S ABSOLUTELY
CLEAR THAT THE ELECTORATE ARE
FED UP WITH THE FACT THAT THEIR
LIVES AREN'T CHANGING QUICKLY
ENOUGH.
>> John: WOW.
IT'S BRUTAL HOW THAT REPORTER
JUST KEPT REPHRASING THAT SAME
QUESTION.
"DID YOU CONTEMPLATE IT WAS YOUR
FAULT?
DID YOU EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE IT?
DID YOU WRITE A LIST OF POSSIBLE
PROBLEMS ON A WHITEBOARD AND
INCLUDE AS ONE OF THEM
"YOURSELF?"
HAVE YOU EVER LOOKED INTO THE
MIRROR AND QUESTIONED WHETHER
YOU, KEIR STARMER, ARE THE ROOT
CAUSE OF ALL THE PROBLEMS IN THE
COUNTRY RIGHT NOW?
AND IF NOT, WHY NOT?"
SUFFICE TO SAY, STARMER AND THE
LABOUR PARTY ARE IN BIG TROUBLE.
BUT THEY STILL HAVE A CHANCE TO
CHANGE COURSE HERE.
BECAUSE REMEMBER: THE UK'S
SYSTEM IS DIFFERENT FROM THE
U.S.'S.
OVER THERE, THE RULING PARTY CAN
ACTUALLY SWAP OUT ITS LEADER
WITHOUT HAVING TO CALL A GENERAL
ELECTION.
THAT'S WHY -- WHILE AMERICANS
ARE TYPICALLY STUCK WITH OUR
CHOICE FOR FOUR YEARS, BARRING A
TRULY HILARIOUS MANHOLE
ACCIDENT, IN THE UK
PRIME MINISTERS HAVE A MORE
TRANSIENT QUALITY.
IT'S ONE OF THE REASONS WHY
THERE'S BEEN FOUR OF THEM IN THE
PAST FOUR YEARS, INCLUDING ONE
WHO FAMOUSLY DIDN'T EVEN OUTLAST
A HEAD OF LETTUCE.
AND MANY IN LABOUR THINK THEIR
BEST OPTION IS TO REPLACE
STARMER WITH THIS MAN, ANDY
BURNHAM, THE POPULAR MAYOR OF
GREATER MANCHESTER.
THE THING IS, TO BE PRIME
MINISTER, YOU HAVE TO BE A
SITTING MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT.
BUT BURNHAM ISN'T.
ALL OF WHICH BRINGS US BACK TO
MAKERFIELD.
BECAUSE TO MAKE A PATH FOR
BURNHAM, THE LABOUR MP FOR
MAKERFIELD RECENTLY RESIGNED
SPECIFICALLY TO ALLOW BURNHAM TO
RUN IN A BY-ELECTION THERE --
THE BRITISH EQUIVALENT OF A
SPECIAL ELECTION -- THIS COMING
THURSDAY.
AND IF BURNHAM WINS, HE'S
ALREADY CONFIRMED HE'LL
CHALLENGE STARMER TO BECOME
PRIME MINISTER.
BUT IF HE LOSES, THE LABOUR
PARTY IS PRETTY MUCH FUCKED --
AND AS YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE, SOME
OF THE PARTIES WAITING TO TAKE
OVER ARE INCREDIBLY GRIM.
THE POINT IS, ROUGHLY 76,000
REGISTERED VOTERS IN MAKERFIELD
-- THAT'S LESS THAN THE CAPACITY
OF GIANTS STADIUM, AND ABOUT
ONE-SIXTH OF 1% OF BRITAIN'S
VOTING POPULATION -- CURRENTLY
HOLD THE FUTURE OF THE COUNTRY
IN THEIR HANDS.
SO GIVEN ALL THAT, TONIGHT
LET'S TALK ABOUT THE MAKERFIELD
BY-ELECTION -- HOW LABOUR GOT TO
THIS POINT, WHICH PARTIES ARE
NIPPING AT THEIR HEELS, AND WHO
SOME OF THE CANDIDATES IN IT
ARE, BECAUSE THE WHOLE THING IS
FUCKING BONKERS.
AND LET'S START WITH HOW
STARMER'S SUPPORT COLLAPSED SO
QUICKLY.
AND TO BE FAIR, SOME OF THAT WAS
OUTSIDE HIS CONTROL.
THE UK'S ECONOMY'S BEEN
STRUGGLING FOR THE PAST TWO
DECADES, FOR ALL SORTS OF
REASONS, FROM BREXIT TO THE
PANDEMIC, TO RUSSIA'S INVASION
OF UKRAINE.
PEOPLE ARE REALLY STRUGGLING
THERE, WITH ONE POLL SHOWING
ALMOST SIX IN TEN BRITONS SAYING
THEY FELT THE COST OF LIVING
CRISIS WOULD NEVER END.
THAT'D BE A HUGE CHALLENGE FOR
EVEN A SAVVY POLITICIAN, WHICH
STARMER VERY MUCH IS NOT.
HIS SOLUTIONS, LIKE CUTTING FUEL
PAYMENTS FOR THE ELDERLY, HAVE
CAUSED HUGE BLOWBACK, AND FOR
MINIMAL GAIN -- TO THE POINT
WHERE THIS IS HOW ONE GROUP OF
ANALYSTS DESCRIBE HIM.
>> I REMEMBER, I WAS LOOKING
BACK AT WHAT HE SAID AT THE
TIME.
HIS PLAN WAS TO MAKE GOOD
DECISIONS.
THAT'S NOT A PLAN.
PARTICULARLY IF YOU'RE NOT GOOD
AT DECISION-MAKING, WHICH TURNS
OUT HE ALSO WASN'T VERY GOOD AT.
>> TALK ABOUT HIS JUDGEMENT OF
PEOPLE. IS HE GOOD WITH PEOPLE?
>> UH, NO.
>> DOES HE WORK WELL WITH
CABINET MINISTERS?
>> THEY REGARD HIM WITH NEAR
OPEN CONTEMPT.
>> John: HOLY SHIT, THAT'S SO
BRUTALLY COLD I ALMOST WISH THEY
KEPT GOING.
"WHAT ABOUT ANIMALS, HOW IS HE
WITH ANIMALS."
BURNS FREQUENTLY TRY TO FLY INTO
HIS FACE AND DOG SHOW HIM EVEN
LESS WAS SPECKED.
"AND WHAT OF CHILDREN?"
"HE HELD A BABY AT A SPEECH ONCE
AND THE BABY CALLED HIM A
RIZZLESS WANKER."
"ANYTHING ELSE YOU'D LIKE TO
ADD?"
"SURE.
AUTOMATIC DOORS REFUSE TO OPEN
FOR HIM AND PLANTS EXPOSED TO
HIS PICTURE ARE 70% LESS LIKELY
TO YIELD FLOWERS."
AND THE PUBLIC'S EVEN LESS
ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT STARMER, WITH
RECENT FOCUS GROUPS'
DESCRIPTIONS OF HIM INCLUDING A
"JELLYFISH" AND A "DOORMAT."
AND ONE BIG REASON FOR THAT IS
FOR A MAN WHO WAS ALREADY PRETTY
MUCH A CENTRIST, HE'S
RELENTLESSLY PANDERED TO THE
RIGHT, ON EVERYTHING FROM TRANS
RIGHTS, TO IMMIGRATION, TO THE
PRO-PALESTINE MOVEMENT.
ON THAT LAST FRONT, HIS
GOVERNMENT'S NOW CLASSIFIED A
CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE GROUP CALLED
PALESTINE ACTION AS A TERRORIST
ORGANIZATION, BANNING IT, WHICH
HAS MADE BELONGING TO IT, OR
INVITING SUPPORT FOR IT, A
SERIOUS CRIME PUNISHABLE BY UP
TO 14 YEARS IN PRISON.
IN THE WAKE OF THAT DECISION
PRIESTS, TEACHERS AND PENSIONERS
ARE AMONG HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE
WHO'VE BEEN ARRESTED MERELY FOR
HOLDING UP SIGNS IN SUPPORT OF
THE ORGANIZATION, RESULTING IN
THESE CRAZY IMAGES OF ELDERLY
PROTESTORS GETTING CARRIED AWAY
BY POLICE.
THOSE ARE SOME BAD VISUALS FOR
ANY LEADER, LET ALONE ONE WHO
LITERALLY USED TO BE A HUMAN
RIGHTS LAWYER.
IT'S NO WONDER MANY PROGRESSIVE
LABOUR SUPPORTERS HAVE SINCE
BEEN DRAWN TO THE UK'S GREEN
PARTY, INCLUDING THIS ONE.
>> LOOKING AT THE PARTIES, WHO
DO YOU LIKE THE LOOK OF AT THE
MOMENT?
>> I THINK DEFINITELY GREENS
THESE DAYS, OR INDEPENDENT
PROBABLY, YEAH.
>> YOU SAY "THESE DAYS."
>> YEAH.
>> A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO, WOULD
THAT HAVE BEEN THE CASE?
>> NO, I WAS A BIG FAN OF
LABOUR.
>> WHAT'S CHANGED IN THE LAST
FEW YEARS?
>> THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF THINGS
THAT HAVE BEEN SLIDING TO THE
RIGHT AND BETRAYING A LOT OF
LIKE, WORKING-CLASS VOTERS AND
PEOPLE OF COLOR, ALSO REFUGEES
AND BASICALLY MINORITIES, EVEN
LIKE, TRANS HEALTHCARE AND LGBT
RIGHTS AND ALL THIS STUFF.
>> THAT'S QUITE A LONG LIST.
>> [LAUGHS]
YES.
FOR SURE.
>> John: YEAH, THAT'S A PRETTY
LONG LIST!
IT KIND OF SEEMS LIKE SOMEONE
ASKED STARMER "WHO DO YOU WANT
TO THROW UNDER THE BUS," AND HE
JUST SAID "YES."
SO STARMER'S CLEARLY
DISAPPOINTED MANY ON THE LEFT.
AND NORMALLY, THE CHALLENGE TO
HIS RIGHT WOULD'VE COME FROM
LABOUR'S TRADITIONAL OPPOSITION
THE CONSERVATIVES.
BUT THEY, TOO, SAW MAJOR LOSSES
IN LAST MONTH'S ELECTIONS.
AND THE PARTY THAT'S
INCREASINGLY TAKEN THEIR PLACE
IS THE FURTHER-RIGHT REFORM UK.
IT WON NEARLY 1500 COUNCIL
RACES.
WHICH IS CLEARLY GREAT NEWS FOR
ITS LEADER, NIGEL FARAGE
BIBLICALLY ACCURATE FROG PRINCE
AND PROFESSIONAL ASSHOLE.
WE'VE TALKED ABOUT FARAGE BEFORE
-- HE'S THE PROVOCATIVE BIGOT
WHO SPEARHEADED THE CAMPAIGN FOR
BREXIT AND HAS, ON MULTIPLE
OCCASIONS, HAD MILKSHAKES THROWN
AT HIM.
HERE HE IS RIGHT AFTER ONE OF
THOSE INCIDENTS, LOOKING LIKE
HE'S MODELING A SUIT FROM JOSEPH
A.
BANK'S "BUKKAKE" COLLECTION.
FARAGE BUILT THE REFORM PARTY
AROUND HIS USUAL RIGHT-WING
TALKING POINTS, WHICH ARE HEAVY
ON THE XENOPHOBIA, AS YOU CAN
SEE THROUGH VIDEOS LIKE THIS.
>> YOU ASK YOURSELF WHY PUBLIC
SERVICES ARE DIMINISHED, YOU ASK
YOURSELF WHY RENTS HAVE GONE
THROUGH THE ROOF.
THE POPULATION EXPLOSION HAS
DONE THAT.
AND MANY -- LOOK AT PARTS OF
LONDON FOR EXAMPLE WHERE THE
ROAD NAMES, THE UNDERGROUND
SIGNS AREN'T JUST IN ENGLISH
THEY'RE IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE AS
WELL.
ONE MILLION PEOPLE LIVING IN
THIS COUNTRY DON'T SPEAK ANY
ENGLISH AT ALL.
>> John: OKAY, FIRST, AND I
THINK YOU ALREADY KNEW THIS --
THAT "ONE MILLION" FIGURE IS
JUST BULLSHIT.
AS OF THE MOST RECENT CENSUS
ONLY AROUND 160,000 PEOPLE IN
ENGLAND AND WALES SAID THEY
COULDN'T SPEAK ANY ENGLISH.
BUT ALSO: A BRITISH MAN
COMPLAINING "FOREIGNERS SHOWED
UP, AND NOW THIS ROAD SIGN ISN'T
IN THE LANGUAGE I SPEAK," IS
FUCKING BOLD, GIVEN, Y'KNOW
HISTORY.
I'M JUST SAYING: THE LARGEST
LAKE IN AFRICA WASN'T ALWAYS
CALLED "LAKE VICTORIA."
THAT ONLY STARTED WHEN SOME
PASTY WHITE DUDE SHOWED UP AND
DECIDED TO NAME IT AFTER HIS
NATIONAL MOMMY, AND AS MUCH AS
I'M SURE EVERYONE LIKED
IMAGINING HER DROWNING IN THERE
IT'S PROBABLY TIME TO RENAME IT.
NONETHELESS, BIGOTRY AND
GRIEVANCE HAVE PROPELLED THE
REFORM PARTY FORWARD, DESPITE
FARAGE'S OWN SIGNIFICANT
BAGGAGE, FROM HIS LONG HISTORY
OF LIES AND SEXISM, TO MORE
RECENT QUESTIONS ABOUT A 5
MILLION POUND GIFT HE RECEIVED
FROM A CRYPTO BILLIONAIRE
SHORTLY BEFORE ANNOUNCING HE'D
RUN IN THE 2024 GENERAL
ELECTION.
WHEN ASKED ABOUT THAT, HIS
RESPONSE WASN'T EXACTLY GREAT.
>> THIS WAS GIVEN TO ME ON AN
UNCONDITIONAL BASIS, COMPLETELY
UNCONDITIONAL BASIS BUT FRANKLY
IT WAS GIVEN AS A REWARD FOR
CAMPAIGNING FOR BREXIT FOR 27
YEARS.
>> AND IT HAD NO IMPACT ON YOUR
DECISION TO COME BACK INTO
PUBLIC LIFE.
>> NO.
>> BUT HE WHO PAYS THE PIPER
PICKS THE TUNE.
>> HANG ON A SEC, HANG ON A
SECOND.
I CAN'T BE BOUGHT BY ANYBODY.
>> John: WOW.
FARAGE MAKES SOME SHARP TURNS
THERE, GOING FROM "THIS WAS AN
UNCONDITIONAL GIFT" TO "I WAS
PAID AS A REWARD FOR A SPECIFIC
ACTION" TO "I CAN'T BE BOUGHT BY
ANYBODY."
HONESTLY, IF YOU LET HIM TALK
FOR LONG ENOUGH, I'M PRETTY SURE
HE'D GET HIMSELF TO "BUT YOU
KNOW WHAT?
I CAN BE RENTED OUT ON AN
INTERIM BASIS."
BUT DESPITE ALL THAT, REFORM'S
ANTI-IMMIGRANT MESSAGING HAS
CLEARLY FOUND AN AUDIENCE.
JUST WATCH THIS VIDEO OF A LOCAL
REFORM CANDIDATE FROM EARLIER
THIS YEAR, DENYING CHARGES OF
RACISM BEFORE THEN TALKING TO A
SUPPORTER WHO SLIGHTLY UNDERCUTS
HER ARGUMENT.
>> I THINK THE THING I HEAR MORE
THAN ANYTHING ELSE IS A FASCIST
AND NAZI, WHICH IS THE FURTHEST
FROM WHAT WE -- THAN WHAT WE
ARE.
WE'RE JUST NOT THAT AT ALL.
>> NONE OF US ARE RACISTS.
>> NO.
I'M NOT.
>> BUT THEY TELL YOU THAT IF YOU
SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT --
>> YEAH.
>> BUT THAT'S THEIR-THAT'S THEIR
ONLY --
>> BUT I TELL YOU WHAT -- TO BE
HONEST, I'VE NEVER BEEN RACIST
BUT I'M GETTING THAT WAY.
>> John: WOW.
"I'VE NEVER BEEN RACIST -- BUT
I'M GETTING THAT WAY."
WELL, GUESS WHAT?
IF YOU'RE CONSIDERING IT, YOU'RE
ACTUALLY ALREADY THERE!
IT'S NOT LIKE GETTING BANGS!
YOU DON'T HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE
RACISM TO GROW IN!
YOU DID IT!
THE JOURNEY IS THE DESTINATION.
NOW, REFORM WILL CLAIM THEY'VE
DISTANCED THEMSELVES FROM
RHETORIC LIKE THAT.
FARAGE HAS BOASTED THEY'VE
"PROFESSIONALIZED" THE PARTY.
BUT IT'S WORTH KNOWING THAT THE
CANDIDATES IT RAN LAST MONTH
INCLUDED BRETT MUSCROFT, WHO
REPORTEDLY POSTED ON FACEBOOK
"ISLAM IS LIKE CANCER.
IF YOU DON'T REMOVE IT ON TIME
IT WILL KILL YOU."
ANDREW MAHON WHO POSTED "NO
DISRESPECT BUT WHY CAN BLACK
PEOPLE USE THE N WORD BUT WHITE
PEOPLE CANNOT?"
DEMONSTRATING THE EXACT LEVEL OF
DELUSION THAT WOULD MAKE SOMEONE
COMFORTABLE LEAVING THE HOUSE IN
THIS SELECTION OF OUTFITS.
HONESTLY, IF HIS ARGUMENT IS HE
CAN'T SEE COLOR, HE'S MAKING A
PRETTY GOOD CASE FOR IT THERE.
AND WHEN ONE OF REFORM'S LEADERS
WENT ON THE NEWS RIGHT AFTER
THEIR ELECTION WINS LAST MONTH
HE GOT THIS AWKWARD QUESTION
ABOUT YET ANOTHER OF THEIR
SHITTY CANDIDATES.
>> ONE OF YOUR NEW SUNDERLAND
COUNCILORS, SO A MAN WHO WAS
ELECTED TO REPRESENT REFORM
SUGGESTED MELTING NIGERIANS TO
FILL POTHOLES.
IS THAT PERSON WHO'S EXPRESSED
THOSE VIEWS SOMEBODY YOU ARE
HAPPY TO SEE REPRESENT REFORM?
>> LAURA, THIS WEEKEND, WE ARE
CELEBRATING OUR INCREDIBLE
SUCCESSES.
LIKE ANY PARTY, YOU HAVE
INTERNAL PARTY PROCESSES TO LOOK
AT WHERE PEOPLE HAVE SAID OR
DONE THE WRONG THING.
>> BUT DO YOU CONDEMN THOSE
REMARKS?
>> LAURA, I CONDEMN ANYTHING
THAT IS WRONG AND INAPPROPRIATE.
>> John: WHICH THAT IS!
JESUS CHRIST.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WORSE THERE:
HIS FAILURE TO DIRECTLY CONDEMN
SOMEONE FOR SUGGESTING MELTING
NIGERIANS TO FILL POTHOLES, OR
THAT HE SEEMS GENUINELY ANNOYED
HE'S BEING ASKED ABOUT IT.
IF YOU CAN'T DENOUNCE RHETORIC
LIKE THAT, YOU SHOULD EXPECT TO
BE ASKED ABOUT IT FOR THE REST
OF YOUR LIFE.
IN FACT, EVEN AFTER YOUR LIFE
AT YOUR FUNERAL, SOMEONE SHOULD
POLITELY KNOCK ON YOUR COFFIN TO
SAY "SORRY YOU DIED, BUT LAST
CHANCE: ANY FINAL COMMENT ON
THAT POTHOLE RACIST?"
AND IT ACTUALLY GETS WORSE.
BECAUSE INCREDIBLY, REFORM
ITSELF IS NOW BEING CHALLENGED
ON ITS RIGHT, BY AN EVEN NEWER
PARTY CALLED RESTORE BRITAIN.
IT ENJOYS THE SUPPORT OF
FASCISTS, NEO-NAZIS AND OTHER
EXTREMISTS, WITH ELON MUSK EVEN
TWEETING, "ONLY RESTORE BRITAIN
CAN SAVE BRITAIN."
AND THE FACT RESTORE IS GAINING
SUPPORT SHOULD BE PRETTY
ALARMING, GIVEN HOW POISONOUS
ITS POLICIES ARE.
HERE'S THEIR LEADER, RUPERT
LOWE, GIVING YOU JUST A TASTE.
>> WE WILL CELEBRATE OUR
CHRISTIAN HERITAGE AND THE
IDENTITY THAT BUILT AND SHAPED
THIS COUNTRY.
RESPONSIBILITY, RESTRAINT
FORGIVENESS, DUTY, AND FAIRNESS.
IN SHORT, A HIGH TRUST SOCIETY.
THAT WILL MEAN DEFENDING OUR
CULTURE.
THAT WILL MEAN RESISTING THE
RELENTLESS CREEP OF RADICAL
ISLAM.
THAT WILL MEAN BANNING THE
BURQA, OUTLAWING SHARIA LAW
BLOCKING COUSIN MARRIAGES, AND
REIMPOSING OUR CHRISTIAN-BASED
RULE OF LAW.
A RESTORE BRITAIN GOVERNMENT
WOULD LEGISLATE TO ENSURE THAT
NO HALAL OR KOSHER SLAUGHTER ON
BRITISH SOIL.
THIS IS BRITAIN AND WE WILL DO
THINGS OUR WAY.
>> John: OH, FUCKING SPARE ME
RUPERT.
AND WHILE IT'S NOT THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING THERE, FOR THE
RECORD: THE CULTURE, HERITAGE
AND IDENTITY THAT SHAPED BRITAIN
WAS LITERALLY BUILT ON COUSIN
MARRIAGES.
IT'S BEEN A PRETTY CRUCIAL PART
OF THE WHOLE PROCESS.
MIGHT WANT TO BRUSH UP ON YOUR
HISTORY, GIVEN YOUR GENERAL
VIBE'S SO CARTOONISHLY ENGLISH
YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR FIRST WORDS
AS A BABY WERE "BRITISH EAST
INDIA COMPANY."
THE POINT IS, WITH REFORM ON THE
RISE AND RESTORE PULLING IT EVEN
FURTHER TO THE RIGHT, BRITAIN
RISKS HEADING IN A VERY DARK
DIRECTION.
AND AT LEAST IN THE IMMEDIATE
FUTURE, THE ONLY PARTY
POSITIONED TO STOP THAT SLIDE IS
THE ONE CURRENTLY IN POWER
LABOUR.
WHICH BRINGS US BACK TO ANDY
BURNHAM.
HE'S ACTUALLY BEEN A CONTENDER
TO LEAD THE LABOUR PARTY FOR
YEARS NOW.
HE USED TO BE AN M-P, AND EVEN
SERVED AS HEALTH SECRETARY FOR A
YEAR.
BUT AFTER TWO FAILED ATTEMPTS TO
BECOME LEADER, HE BECAME MAYOR
OF GREATER MANCHESTER, WHERE HE
MADE NATIONAL NEWS STANDING UP
TO BORIS JOHNSON'S GOVERNMENT
OVER ITS FAILURE TO PROVIDE
ENOUGH ASSISTANCE DURING THE
COVID LOCKDOWNS.
>> IT IS WRONG TO PLACE SOME OF
THE POOREST PARTS OF ENGLAND IN
A PUNISHING LOCKDOWN WITHOUT
PROPER SUPPORT FOR THE PEOPLE
AND BUSINESSES AFFECTED.
>> THIS IS AN IMPORTANT MOMENT.
GREATER MANCHESTER WILL STAND
FIRM.
WE ARE FIGHTING BACK FOR
FAIRNESS AND FOR THE HEALTH OF
OUR PEOPLE, IN THE BROADEST
SENSE.
>> John: YEAH, MOMENTS LIKE THAT
HELPED BURNHAM BECOME KNOWN AS
"THE KING OF THE NORTH."
IN FACT, HE'S CURRENTLY RANKED
AS BRITAIN'S MOST POPULAR
POLITICIAN, WITH AN AVERAGE
POPULARITY RATING OF 35%.
WHICH I KNOW DOESN'T SOUND LIKE
MUCH, BUT YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER
THE BRITISH MIND CAN ONLY HOLD
35% HAPPINESS AT A MAXIMUM.
WINNING THE WORLD CUP CAN PUSH
US UP TO 40%, BUT THAT'S ONLY
HAPPENED ONCE.
UNLESS, I GUESS, THEY WIN IT
AGAIN THIS SUMMER, SO WE'LL JUST
HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE EXACTLY HOW
THEY DON'T.
AND ON ITS FACE, BURNHAM WINNING
IN MAKERFIELD SHOULDN'T BE
DIFFICULT, GIVEN IT'S BEEN A
SAFE LABOUR SEAT FOR MORE THAN
120 YEARS.
BUT THE TRUTH IS, VOTERS THERE
HAVE BECOME LESS PREDICTABLE IN
RECENT YEARS.
DURING BREXIT, NEARLY TWO-THIRDS
VOTED TO LEAVE THE E-U, AND IN
LAST MONTH'S LOCAL ELECTIONS
REFORM WON EVERY WARD THERE.
WHAT'S MORE, BURNHAM DOESN'T
TECHNICALLY LIVE IN THE
CONSTITUENCY, AND WHILE SOME
RESIDENTS MAY FIND HIS AMBITIONS
FOR HIGHER OFFICE APPEALING
OTHERS ARE -- UNDERSTANDABLY --
RESENTFUL AT HAVING HIM SWAN IN
AND USE THEM AS A SPRINGBOARD TO
GET THERE.
>> YOU'RE GOING TO BE VOTING FOR
SOMEONE WHO'S NOT GOING TO BE
HERE, WHO'S GOT BIGGER ISSUES
THAN ASHTON-IN-MAKERFIELD
REALLY, SO IT WON'T BE HIS
PRIORITY.
>> WE'RE NOT HERE TO ENABLE HIM
TO PURSUE HIS PERSONAL
AMBITIONS.
>> I'M SURE ANDY BURNHAM IS ONLY
USING US AS A STEPPING STONE
ANYWAY.
HE DON'T CARE ABOUT MAKERFIELD.
HE'S NOT LOCAL.
AND HE JUST WANTS TO GET INTO
NUMBER 10.
>> John: MY MOM IS RIGHT.
I DON'T LOVE THAT SHE'S GOING
AROUND GIVING INTERVIEWS ABOUT
ANDY BURNHAM WITH MY DAD, BUT
THAT'S A CONVERSATION WE CAN
HAVE AT CHRISTMAS.
NOW, TO COUNTER THAT "OUTSIDER"
NARRATIVE, BURNHAM'S TRIED TO
POINT OUT HIS LOCAL BONA FIDES
-- LIKE THE FACT HIS CHILDREN
WENT TO SCHOOL IN THE AREA AND
THAT HE HAS "LOADS OF
CONNECTIONS THERE."
HE EVEN RECENTLY CLAIMED HIS
FAVORITE WIGAN DELICACY IS --
YOU GUESSED IT -- BABBY'S YED.
BUT REFORM SEEMS TO THINK IT CAN
EXPLOIT THE PERCEPTION HE'S AN
AMBITIOUS OUTSIDER.
BECAUSE THEIR CANDIDATE, ROBERT
KENYON, HAS GONE OUT OF HIS WAY
TO REMIND PEOPLE HE'S VERY MUCH
A LOCAL.
>> I WAS BORN IN MAKERFIELD.
IF I WAS ELECTED, I'D BE THE
FIRST PERSON BORN IN THE
CONSTITUENCY TO BECOME THE MP.
I DON'T THINK ANY MP THAT'S EVER
STOOD IN MAKERFIELD WAS ACTUALLY
BORN IN THE AREA.
I'M A PLUMBER, GAS ENGINEER.
DONE THAT FOR A LONG TIME, I DID
-- WHO GIVES ME A BIT EMOTIONAL
SOMETIMES REPRESENTING PEOPLE IN
PARLIAMENT BECAUSE IT'S A
MASSIVE HONOR.
HE SERVICED ME, LAST WEEK.
>> STRIKING.
AND WHEN YOUR OPPONENT'S BEING
ACCUSED OF BEING OUT OF TOUCH
WITH THE COMMUNITY, IT'S A
PRETTY GOOD COUNTER TO BE ABLE
TO SAY "I HAVE LITERALLY BEEN
ELBOW DEEP IN THIS ENTIRE
COMMUNITY'S SHIT."
THE POINT IS, KENYON'S A SALT OF
THE EARTH GUY.
A STRAIGHT SHOOTER.
A REGULAR JOE.
NOT A CAREER POLITICIAN.
AND IF YOU HAVE THE PATTERN
RECOGNITION OF A PIGEON, YOU CAN
PROBABLY TELL WHAT I'M ABOUT TO
SAY NEXT, WHICH IS THAT HIS
ONLINE HISTORY IS A FUCKING
MESS.
A LOT OF HIS POSTS HAVE
RESURFACED, INCLUDING ONE THAT
SAYS "I'M SEXIST -- SORRY BUT I
AM," AND ANOTHER SAYING ENGLISH
WOMEN "JUST WALK AROUND WITH
THEIR FAT BELLIES AND ODD SHAPES
PUSHING A PRAM AT 16 IN THEIR
PJ'S," ONE POST ACTUALLY CAUSED
THAT SAME REPORTER YOU SAW
EARLIER TO PHYSICALLY CHASE HIM
DOWN TO ANSWER FOR IT.
>> WHY SHOULD WOMEN IN
MAKERFIELD VOTE FOR YOU, ROB?
>> SPEAK TO THE PRESS OFFICE.
>> WHY DID WOMEN -- WHY SHOULD
WOMEN IN MAKERFIELD VOTE FOR
YOU, ROB, WHEN YOU SAID YOU WERE
A SEXIST?
>> CAN YOU NOT.
>> NO, NO, BUT WHY SHOULD WOMAN
VOTE FOR YOU WHEN YOU SAY THAT
YOU WERE SEXIST AND THAT THEY
CAN'T DRIVE?
>> John: IT'S TRUE, KENYON ONCE
SAID THAT WOMEN CAN'T DRIVE.
SO IT MIGHT BE MORE ACCURATE TO
SAY THAT PEOPLE IN MAKERFIELD
WILL BE THINKING, "HANG ON A
MINUTE, THAT GUY DID FIX MY
BOILER LAST WEEK, BUT HE THEN
RANDOMLY TOLD MY WIFE THAT HER
NATURAL PLACE IS IN THE
KITCHEN."
BUT AMAZINGLY, IT GETS EVEN
WORSE.
BECAUSE KENYON ALSO MADE A
CONTROVERSIAL POST ABOUT A
BELOVED FIGURE IN BRITISH
BROADCASTING NAMED CAROL
VORDERMAN.
VERY BASICALLY, FOR DECADES, SHE
WAS THE COHOST OF A POPULAR
AFTERNOON GAME SHOW CALLED
"COUNTDOWN."
AND BECAME A NATIONAL TREASURE.
AND KNOWING THAT, YOU CAN NOW
HOPEFULLY UNDERSTAND THE IMPACT
OF WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SHOW YOU.
>> SO, ON CHRISTMAS EVE, YOU
SPOTTED A MESSAGE SOMEBODY SENT
TO CAROL VORDERMAN ON HER
BIRTHDAY, WHICH SAID, "HAPPY
BIRTHDAY, CAROL, MY GOD, I WOULD
LOVE TO SMELL AND LICK YOUR
ASSHOLE."
NOW YOU RESPONDED TO THAT.
>> I RESPONDED TO A SEPARATE
TWEET.
>> YOU RESPONDED TO SEPARATE
TWEET?
SO, GO ON, CLARIFY.
>> SO, SOMEBODY HAD WRITTEN
THAT, SOMEBODY ELSE HAD
COMMENTED ON THAT, AND THEN I
RESPONDED TO THE COMMENT ON
THAT.
>> SO, WHICH COMMENT WERE YOU
RESPONDING TO WHEN YOU RESPONDED
TO THE -- ABOUT THE ARSEHOLE?
>> John: I MEAN, IF YOU'RE EVEN
BEING ASKED THAT QUESTION
YOU'RE IN SERIOUS TROUBLE.
AND WHILE HE'S TRYING TO MAKE IT
CONFUSING THERE, IT'S ACTUALLY
PRETTY SIMPLE.
BASICALLY, SOMEONE ON TWITTER
POSTED, ON CAROL VORDERMAN'S
BIRTHDAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAROL
MY GOD, I'D LOVE TO SMELL AND
LICK YOUR ASSHOLE."
SOMEONE ELSE REPLIED CRITICIZING
IT, SAYING "IF YOU'RE PREPARED
TO POST THIS ON A PUBLIC FORUM
I WOULD SUGGEST YOUR COMPUTER
DRIVE NEEDS CHECKING," ONLY FOR
KENYON TO RESPOND, "HE'S ONLY
SAYING WHAT WE'RE ALL THINKING
CRY-LAUGHING EMOJI, THUMBS UP
EMOJI."
SO KENYON'S DEFENSE OF THAT POST
WAS ESSENTIALLY, "HEY, I'M NOT
THE ONE WHO BROUGHT IT UP!"
BUT THAT'S NOT REMOTELY
EXCULPATORY, IS IT?
IT'S LIKE IF SOMEONE TWEETED
"HEY BRONX ZOO, YOU SHOULD LET
VISITORS JERK OFF THE LEMURS,"
AND I REPLIED WITH "FACTS!!!
THUMBS-UP EMOJI!"
SURE, I MIGHT NOT HAVE
TECHNICALLY BROUGHT IT UP FIRST
BUT I DIDN'T COVER MYSELF IN
GLORY THERE.
AND TO BE CLEAR: KENYON STILL
HASN'T APOLOGIZED FOR THOSE
COMMENTS, CONTINUING TO DEFEND
HIMSELF, CLAIMING THAT HE'S JUST
AN ORDINARY PERSON WHO'S ROUGH
AROUND THE EDGES.
AND FOR THE RECORD: ROUGH AROUND
THE EDGES" MEANS THAT YOU DON'T
KNOW WHAT A CRAB FORK IS, NOT
THAT YOU THINK IT'S OKAY TO
PARTICIPATE IN INTERNET
DISCOURSE ABOUT A PUBLIC WOMAN'S
BIRTHDAY ASSHOLE.
THE POINT IS, THIS IS THE
CANDIDATE WITH VEHEMENTLY SEXIST
AND RIMJOB-POSITIVE VIEWS WHO
COULD, THEORETICALLY, TAKE DOWN
LABOUR'S BEST HOPE OF RETAINING
CONTROL OF THE GOVERNMENT PAST
THE NEXT ELECTION.
AND IT'S HARD NOT TO FEEL FOR
THE VOTERS OF MAKERFIELD HERE
WHO'VE BEEN AT THE CENTER OF AN
ABSOLUTE CIRCUS OVER THE LAST
MONTH, AND WHO HAVE PLENTY OF
LOCAL ISSUES THAT NEED
ADDRESSING, FROM AFFORDABLE
HOUSING, TO FLOODING CONCERNS
TO THIS MASSIVE ILLEGAL WASTE
DUMP THAT MAKERFIELD'S PREVIOUS
M-P -- THE VERY GUY, IN FACT
WHO STEPPED DOWN TO LET BURNHAM
RUN -- HAD ACTUALLY BEEN WORKING
TO FINALLY GET CLEANED UP.
>> IT'S A GROTESQUE DUMP THAT
SKY NEWS HAS INVESTIGATED OVER
THE PAST YEAR.
IT WAS MARCH, ALMOST THREE
MONTHS AGO, WHEN IT WAS
ANNOUNCED THAT THE FUNDING WAS
IN PLACE TO CLEAR THIS UP, BUT
IT STILL HASN'T HAPPENED.
>> WHICH OF THE CANDIDATES IN
THIS BY -- ELECTION DO YOU THINK
WOULD FOLLOW THROUGH ON THAT AND
MAKE SURE IT IS CLEANED UP?
>> I WOULD SAY THAT THE
CANDIDATES ARE JUST FRONT MEN
REALLY.
IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT US ANYMORE.
IT'S ABOUT, I THINK, THE FUTURE
OF POLITICS IN THE COUNTRY.
IT FEELS A BIT MORE, YOU KNOW, A
BIT OVERWHELMING REALLY THAT WE
COULD BE PIVOTAL IN THIS.
AND I REALLY HOPE THAT PEOPLE
MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE.
>> John: YEAH, SO DO I!
AND IF THERE ARE TWO THINGS YOU
DON'T WANT SOMEONE TO BE
OVERWHELMED BY AT THE SAME TIME
ITS "RESPONSIBILITY FOR DECIDING
ENGLAND'S POLITICAL FUTURE" AND
"ODORS FROM A MASSIVE ILLEGAL
WASTE DUMP" SO WHAT HAPPENS
NEXT?
WELL, SOMEONE IS CLEARLY GOING
TO WIN THIS THURSDAY'S ELECTION
AND WHILE CURRENT POLLS SUGGEST
LABOUR HAS A LEAD, THAT MAY BE
PARTLY BECAUSE RESTORE -- THE
ULTRA-FAR-RIGHT PARTY THAT
REMEMBER, IS GOING TO SAVE
BRITAIN FROM KOSHER BUTCHERY --
IS SIPHONING OFF VOTES FROM
REFORM.
AND EVEN IF BURNHAM DOES WIN
AND IS ABLE TO UNSEAT STARMER
HE'LL STILL FACE THE SAME DISMAL
ECONOMY, AND THE SAME FURIOUS
VOTERS, WITH ONLY THREE YEARS TO
FIGURE OUT HOW TO DELIVER THE
CHANGE STARMER COULDN'T BEFORE
FACING ELECTIONS IN 2029.
BUT IF BURNHAM LOSES, IT'S GOING
TO BE A FUCKING MESS.
I MEAN A "BABBY'S YED SPREAD ON
A PILE OF CHIPS" MESS, AND I
DON'T SAY THAT LIGHTLY.
A BURNHAM LOSS WOULD BE A HUGE
SUCCESS FOR FARAGE'S REFORM
PARTY, AND A HUMILIATION FOR
LABOUR SO DEVASTATING, THEY
MIGHT NEVER RECOVER.
AND AT THAT POINT, WITH
BRITAIN'S TWO LONG-DOMINANT
PARTIES CRUSHED, THERE'S A
GENUINE CHANCE WE COULD SEE
MONEYSHOT MCFLURRY HERE ELECTED
AS PRIME MINISTER.
LOOK, WHEN WE LAST COVERED AN
ELECTION IN THE UK, WE TALKED
ABOUT HOW IT COULD BE "AN
EXTINCTION-LEVEL EVENT" FOR THE
CONSERVATIVE PARTY, AND IT KIND
OF WAS.
BUT IT'S FRANKLY INCREDIBLE THAT
JUST TWO YEARS LATER, LABOUR'S
FUCKED UP SO BADLY, AND HAS
THROWN ITS OWN VOTERS UNDER THE
BUS SO CONSISTENTLY, THEY NOW
FACE THE SAME THREAT.
BECAUSE -- AND I'M SURE THIS IS
A LESSON WITH NO APPLICABILITY
TO U.S. POLITICS -- YOU CAN'T
PROMISE "CHANGE," ONLY TO TURN
AROUND AND CAPITULATE TO THE
RIGHT ON KEY PRINCIPLES YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO STAND FOR.
BECAUSE YOU'LL LOSE PEOPLE TO
YOUR LEFT, AND THE RIGHT WILL
JUST KEEP MOVING THE GOALPOSTS
AGAIN AND AGAIN.
AND YOU'LL ONLY HAVE YOURSELF TO
BLAME.
AND IF LABOUR LOSES THIS
BY-ELECTION, AND WHAT ULTIMATELY
COMES OUT OF IT IS PRIME
MINISTER FARAGE, THAT'LL BE HARD
TO SWALLOW.
IN FACT, I'D GO SO FAR AS TO SAY
IT'LL BE THE HARDEST THING TO
SWALLOW TO COME OUT OF THE
MAKERFIELD AREA, ASIDE FROM, OF
COURSE, THE BABBY'S YED.
WE ALL KNEW IT WAS GOING TO END
LIKE THIS.
THAT'S OUR SHOW.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
GOODNIGHT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
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