♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT"!
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING
US.
IT HAS BEEN A BUSY WEEK!
JOE ROGAN APPEARED TO ENDORSE
RFK ONLY TO WALK IT BACK, THESE
ASTRONAUTS LEARNED THEY MAY BE
STUCK ON THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE
STATION TILL NEXT YEAR, AND THE
OLYMPICS WRAPPED UP, AFTER
ANOTHER WEEK OF INSPIRING
STORIES, INCLUDING 14-YEAR-OLD
AUSTRALIAN ARISA TREW, WHO WON A
SKATEBOARDING GOLD, THEN GAVE
THIS SPECTACULAR INTERVIEW ABOUT
WHAT HER WIN MEANT.
THE GIFT I ASKED FROM MY
PARENTS IF I LIKE WON WAS IF I
COULD GET A PET DUCK BECAUSE
DUCKS ARE REALLY CUTE AND I
REALLY WANTED A PET DUCK.
AND WHAT HAVE THEY SAID?
MY MUM SAID YES, BUT MY DAD'S
BEEN LIKE SAYING YES THIS WHOLE
TIME, BUT MY MUM WAS SAYING NO,
BUT THEN LIKE I SAID IF I LIKE
DID WIN CAN I GET A DUCK?
AND SHE SAID YES.
ARE YOU GOING TO TEACH THE
DUCK TO SKATEBOARD?
YEAH, I'M GOING TO TAKE THE
DUCK TO THE SKATEPARK AS WELL
AND TAKE IT ON WALKS.
John: YES!
LISTEN TO ME, SOMEONE GET THAT
GIRL A FUCKING DUCK RIGHT NOW!
IF ANYONE'S EVER EARNED ONE,
IT'S HER.
IN FACT, YOU KNOW WHAT?
EVERY OLYMPIC MEDALIST SHOULD
GET A DUCK FROM NOW ON.
THEY SHOULD ALL STAND PROUDLY ON
THE PODIUM WITH A MEDAL AROUND
THEIR NECK AND A DUCK IN THEIR
ARMS.
THAT'S THE OLYMPICS I WANT TO
SEE NEXT TIME, OR I'M OUT.
BUT SADLY, WE HAVE TO TURN TO
THE U.S. ELECTION, WHERE THE
TRUMP TEAM'S BEEN DESPERATELY
TRYING TO BLUNT THE MOMENTUM OF
THE HARRIS CAMPAIGN-- AND I DO
MEAN DESPERATELY.
THIS WEEK, HE STARTED CALLING
HER "KAMABLA," WHICH WAS
IMMEDIATELY CONFUSING.
DID IT MEAN SHE WAS "BLAH?"
WAS HE TRYING TO EVOKE THAT
SHE'S "BLACK?"
WAS IT A TYPO HE DOUBLED DOWN
ON?
A JOURNALIST ACTUALLY TEXTED HIS
CAMPAIGN SPOKESMAN AND ASKED:
"WHY IS HE MISSPELLING HER NAME
KAMABLA?"
TO WHICH THE SPOKESMAN RESPONDED
AND THIS IS ALL REAL--
"KAMABLA."
THE REPORTER THEN ASKED, "WHAT
DOES THAT MEAN?,"
AND GOT THE RESPONSE, "KAMABLA"
AND WHEN THEY EVENTUALLY SAID,
"CAN I USE ON THE RECORD," HIS
RESPONSE WAS-- YOU GUESSED IT
"KAMABLA."
AND I GENUINELY HOPE HE RESPONDS
TO ALL TEXTS LIKE THAT.
"HEY, HONEY, CAN YOU PICK UP THE
KIDS FROM BASEBALL PRACTICE?"
"KAMABLA."
"OKAY, BUT SERIOUSLY, CAN YOU
GET THE KIDS?
I HAVE TO WORK LATE."
"KAMABLA."
"STEVEN, WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?"
"KAMABLA."
"I WANT A DIVORCE."
"KAMABLA."
THAT SAME SPOKESMAN ALSO PUT OUT
THIS VENN DIAGRAM OF THE WORDS
"KAMA" AND "BLA," WHICH NOT ONLY
FAILED TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING, IT'S
NOT HOW VENN DIAGRAMS WORK.
NOT TO BE A TOTAL CHART BITCH,
BUT I AM WHAT I AM, AND-- VERY
BASICALLY-- A VENN DIAGRAM USES
OVERLAPPING CIRCLES TO VISUALLY
DEPICT THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN
TWO OR MORE THINGS, WITH
COMMONALITIES REPRESENTED BY
WHERE THEY OVERLAP.
FOR INSTANCE, A VENN DIAGRAM
COULD FEATURE ONE CIRCLE WITH
DOLPHINS AND ANOTHER WITH
SHARKS, OVERLAPPING WITH THE
SHARED DESCRIPTOR "LIVES IN THE
OCEAN."
OR YOU COULD HAVE A CIRCLE WITH
ME AND ANOTHER WITH BIG BIRD,
WITH THE OVERLAP BEING "SQUAWKS
EDUCATIONAL LESSONS ON
TELEVISION."
OR YOU COULD HAVE A CIRCLE WITH
JENNA ORTEGA AND ONE WITH PEPE
LePEW, WITH THE INTERSECTION:
CAN'T SAY WHERE THEY WERE ON
9/11."
NOW, DOES IT MATTER THAT ONE'S
FICTIONAL AND ONE WASN'T BORN
YET?
I CAN'T ANSWER THAT, I'M JUST
TELLING YOU WHAT THE DIAGRAM
LOGICALLY HIGHLIGHTS.
MY POINT IS, YOU CAN HAVE LOTS
OF FUN WITH CHARTS, BUT THIS IS
THIS RIGHT HERE IS FUCKING
NOTHING.
BUT IT'S NOT JUST "KAMABLA"
THAT'S BEEN AN UNFORCED ERROR.
TRUMP'S VP CHOICE
J.D. VANCE, A MAN WITH THE FACE
YOU GET IF YOU GOOGLE "BACHELOR
PARTY ARREST," CONTINUES TO
UNDERWHELM.
HERE HE IS CHOOSING THE WORST
POSSIBLE ANSWER TO A PRETTY EASY
QUESTION.
YOU'VE BEEN CRITICIZED AS
BEING A LITTLE TOO SERIOUS, A
LITTLE ANGRY SOMETIMES.
WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE?
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?
WELL, I SMILE AT A LOT OF
THINGS, INCLUDING BOGUS
QUESTIONS FROM THE MEDIA MAN.
[LAUGHS]
LOOK, I THINK IF YOU WATCH A
FULL SPEECH THAT I GIVE, I
ACTUALLY AM HAVING A GOOD TIME
OUT HERE AND I'M ENJOYING THIS,
BUT LOOK, SOMETIMES, YOU GOTTA
TAKE THE GOOD WITH THE BAD, AND
RIGHT NOW, I AM ANGRY ABOUT WHAT
KAMALA HARRIS HAS DONE TO THIS
COUNTRY AND DONE TO THE SOUTHERN
BORDER.
John: IS HE ALL RIGHT?
HE JUST GOT ASKED "WHAT MAKES
YOU SMILE"-- A QUESTION TO
WHICH THERE'S ALMOST NO WRONG
ANSWER.
YOU COULD SAY MY KIDS, DOGS THAT
SLEEP WEIRD, A WARM BATH, DOGS
THAT SLEEP WEIRD, CHEEZ-ITS,
WHICH IS INCIDENTALLY
ALSO THE NAME OF THIS DOG THAT
SLEEPS WEIRD.
BUT HE JUST RESPONDED TO "WHAT
MAKES YOU SMILE?"
WITH, "WHAT MAKES ME ANGRY IS
WHAT'S HAPPENING AT THE SOUTHERN
BORDER."
IS JUST PLAIN WRONG!
ALSO, CAN WE TAKE A MINUTE ON
THAT LAUGH?
[LAUGHS]
John: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
THIS IS GOING TO SOUND STRANGE,
BUT HAVE YOU EVER HAD ONE OF
THOSE WORDS THAT YOU'D ONLY
ENCOUNTERED BY READING IT, AND
NEVER HEARD IN CONVERSATION?
LIKE YOU'RE "PRETTY SURE" YOU
KNOW HOW TO PRONOUNCE THIS WORD,
BUT YOU NEVER ACTUALLY HEARD IT,
SO DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE WRONG
UNTIL YOU WERE AT A DINNER PARTY
AND DESCRIBED SOMETHING AS "THE
EPI-TOME OF STRANGENESS" AND THE
OTHER GUESTS SAID "DID YOU
MEAN EPITOME?"
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
NO ONE HAD EVER USED THAT WORD
AROUND YOU, AND YOU MADE A
PRETTY REASONABLE GUESS.
WELL, THAT'S HOW I GENUINELY
THINK J.D. VANCE LEARNED TO
LAUGH.
I THINK HE READ ABOUT LAUGHTER
IN BOOKS OR COMICS, SAW IT
WRITTEN OUT PHONETICALLY, AND
INTELLECTUALLY UNDERSTOOD THE
NOISES ARCHIE MADE, AND WHEN THE
OPPORTUNITY AROSE-- WHEN
SOMEONE ASKED HIM WHAT MAKES HIM
HAPPY-- EVEN THOUGH HE'D NEVER
TRIED OUT THE NOISE BEFORE, HE
THOUGHT "I GOT THIS," SAID "AH
HA HA HA HA" AND IMMEDIATELY
KNEW HE WAS WRONG.
BUT THE SEEMING PANIC IN THE
TRUMP CAMPAIGN RIGHT NOW IS
PERHAPS BEST EXEMPLIFIED BY
THEIR REACTION TO HARRIS'S
CHOICE OF TIM WALZ, YOUR
FRIEND'S NICE DAD, AS HER VP
CANDIDATE THIS WEEK.
IN TERMS OF GENERAL VIBE, HE'S
BASICALLY THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF
J.D. VANCE.
HERE HE IS LAST YEAR WITH HIS
DAUGHTER AT THE STATE FAIR.
HEY, MINNESOTA GOVERNOR WALZ
HERE OUT AT THE STATE FAIR WITH
MY DAUGHTER--
HOPE.
EVERY YEAR WE AS A FAMILY DO
SOMETHING OLD AND SOMETHING NEW.
I GET TO PICK SOMETHING-- A
CLASSIC-- THE OLD MILL RIDE TO
DO THAT, AND THEN HOPE GETS TO
PICK SOMETHING NEW.
I THINK WE'RE GOING TO GO DO
THE SLINGSHOT.
WHICH I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
AND THEY'RE KEEPING IT FROM ME.
BUT THEN WE'RE GOING TO GO GET
SOME FOOD.
CORN DOG?
I'M VEGETARIAN.
TURKEY THEN.
AND THEN--
TURKEY'S MEAT.
NOT IN MINNESOTA.
TURKEY'S SPECIAL.
John: EXCELLENT.
I'VE NEVER ENJOYED WATCHING A
VEGETARIAN GET GASLIT MORE THAN
THAT.
ALL OF THAT IS DELIGHTFUL, FROM
THE RAPPORT WITH HIS DAUGHTER TO
THE CORN DOG EXCHANGE TO THE
FACT HE KEPT HIS PROMISE AND
RODE THAT SLINGSHOT.
TAKE A LOOK.
[LAUGHING AND SCREAMING]
John: THAT IS GENUINELY NICE!
CLEARLY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO ASK
WALZ WHAT MAKES HIM SMILE.
YOU CAN SEE IT RIGHT THERE, OR
IN PHOTOS OF HIM DOING
EVERYTHING FROM HOLDING A PIGLET
TO GETTING HUGGED BY KIDS AFTER
SIGNING UNIVERSAL FREE SCHOOL
MEALS INTO LAW, TO HIM HERE,
SEEMINGLY REMEMBERING THAT HE
ISN'T J.D. FUCKING VANCE.
WALZ IS A FORMER GEOGRAPHY
TEACHER AND FOOTBALL COACH AND
THERE'S A LOT TO LIKE IN HIS
BIOGRAPHY-- INCLUDING THAT, AS
A TEACHER, HE SERVED AS THE
FACULTY ADVISER FOR HIS SCHOOL'S
GAY STRAIGHT ALLIANCE,
EXPLAINING HIS DECISION TO
VOLUNTEER, SAYING, "IT REALLY
NEEDED TO BE THE FOOTBALL COACH,
WHO WAS THE SOLDIER AND WAS
STRAIGHT AND WAS MARRIED."
AND TO HIS CREDIT-- HE DID THAT
IN 1999.
THAT WASN'T EASY TO DO BACK
THEN, ESPECIALLY GIVEN JUST
THREE YEARS EARLIER, A BILL
BANNING FEDERAL RECOGNITION OF
SAME-SEX MARRIAGE HAD BEEN
SIGNED INTO LAW BY BILL CLINTON
TRULY A MORAL COMPASS WHEN IT
COMES TO MARRIAGES.
FOR THE PAST WEEK, REPUBLICANS
HAVE STRUGGLED TO FIND A LINE OF
ATTACK ON WALZ-- BRANDING HIM
AS A SOCIALIST, WHICH HE ISN'T,
LABELING HIM AS "TAMPON TIM" FOR
PROVIDING FEMININE HYGIENE
PRODUCTS IN SCHOOLS, AND EVEN
GETTING ANGRY AT THE FACT
MINNESOTA'S STATE FLAG WAS
CHANGED ON HIS WATCH.
WALZ LET HIS BEST CITY BURN
DOWN, FLOODED IT WITH ILLEGALS,
AND HELPED CANCEL THE STATE FLAG
TO MAKE IT LOOK MORE LIKE THE
FLAG OF SOMALIA.
JUST OVER THE LAST THREE
MONTHS, HE CHANGED MINNESOTA'S
FLAG TO LOOK BASICALLY LIKE A
SOMALI FLAG.
SO, THERE'S THE MINNESOTA
FLAG.
GORGEOUS FLAG.
LOOKS LIKE, YOU KNOW, LOOKS LIKE
ANY OTHER STATE FLAG.
HE CHANGED IT TO THIS.
NOW, GO AHEAD AND GOOGLE THE
SOMALI FLAG AND TELL ME THEY
DON'T LOOK ALIKE.
John: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT?
HAVE YOU SEEN FLAGS?
THEY'RE ALL SOME COMBINATION OF
COLORS, STARS, AND, IN THE CASE
OF SICILY, A THREE-LEGGED
MONSTER WITH A HEAD FOR A
VAGINA.
BUT THAT'S KIND OF MORE A
"SICILY'S GONNA SICILY"
SITUATION.
FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, THE FLAG
WAS CHANGED MAINLY AS A RESULT
OF OBJECTIONS TO THE DEPICTION
OF A NATIVE AMERICAN ON THE OLD
FLAG, WHICH HAD ONLY BEEN AROUND
SINCE 1957 ANYWAY.
ALSO, WALZ WASN'T THE ONE WHO
PUSHED FOR THE CHANGE, HE JUST
HAPPENED TO BE GOVERNOR AT THE
TIME.
SO THAT CRITICISM IS MORE THAN A
LITTLE DESPERATE-- AS WAS
REPUBLICANS' ATTEMPT TO TARGET
WALZ'S MILITARY SERVICE, WHICH
CONSISTED OF SERVING 24 YEARS IN
VARIOUS UNITS AND JOBS IN THE
ARMY NATIONAL GUARD.
HE WAS ACCUSED THIS WEEK OF
"STOLEN VALOR" FOR HAVING SAID,
IN PASSING, AT ONE EVENT IN
2018, THAT HE'D CARRIED WEAPONS
OF WAR, IN WAR-- WHICH HE
HADN'T.
HE NEVER ACTUALLY SAW COMBAT,
AND THE CAMPAIGN'S SAID HE
MISSPOKE.
BUT REPUBLICANS DIDN'T STOP
THERE-- WITH J.D. VANCE AND
OTHERS ALSO TRYING THIS LINE OF
ATTACK, REGARDING THE
CIRCUMSTANCES UNDER WHICH WALZ
LEFT THE NATIONAL GUARD.
WHEN TIM WALZ WAS ASKED BY
HIS COUNTRY TO GO TO IRAQ, DO
YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID?
HE DROPPED OUT OF THE ARMY AND
ALLOWED HIS UNIT TO GO WITHOUT
HIM.
I THINK IT'S SHAMEFUL TO PREPARE
YOUR UNIT TO GO TO IRAQ, TO MAKE
A PROMISE THAT YOU'RE GOING TO
FOLLOW THROUGH, AND THEN TO DROP
OUT RIGHT BEFORE YOU ACTUALLY
HAVE TO GO.
John: OKAY, THAT'S JUST NOT
TRUE.
WALZ RETIRED IN MAY OF 2005.
HIS UNIT WASN'T ORDERED TO
MOBILIZE UNTIL JULY OF THAT
YEAR, AND DIDN'T DEPLOY TO IRAQ
UNTIL 2006.
EVEN THE HARD-RIGHT WALL STREET
JOURNAL EDITORIAL BOARD SAID,
THE CHARGES LEVELED SO FAR ABOUT
HIS MILITARY SERVICE LOOK LIKE
THIN GRUEL.
WHICH, AS FAR AS ARGUMENTS GO,
IS JUST NOT ENOUGH GRUEL.
MAKING IT OFFICIAL: AFTER 11
YEARS OF THIS SHOW, AND DESPITE
MY BEST EFFORTS TO RESIST IT,
WE'VE SOMEHOW REACHED A POINT
WHERE I, A BRITISH OLIVER, HAVE
INADVERTENTLY DEMANDED MORE
GRUEL.
IT SEEMS SOME STEREOTYPES ARE
JUST DESERVED.
AND LOOK, THERE ARE 85 DAYS
UNTIL ELECTION DAY, AND WHILE
THAT MIGHT NOT SEEM LIKE A LOT,
IT'S GOING TO FEEL INCREDIBLY
LONG.
AND IT'S PLENTY OF TIME FOR THE
GOP TO DRAW UP ATTACKS FAR MORE
VICIOUS AND HATEFUL THAN
KAMABLA, WHILE ALSO FIGURING OUT
MORE INVENTIVE WAYS TO ATTACK
HER RUNNING MATE.
BUT FOR RIGHT NOW, IT DOES SEEM
TELLING THAT SO MUCH OF THEIR
ATTACK STRATEGY SEEMS TO BOIL
DOWN TO A NONSENSE WORD AND
FALSE ACCUSATIONS OF STOLEN
VALOR, TWO DESPERATE SMEAR
ATTEMPTS, WITH ONE THING IN
COMMON: THEY REVEAL THE TRUMP
CAMPAIGN'S CURRENTLY GOT
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
AND NOW THIS.
Announcer: AND NOW,
RACHEL CAMPOS-DUFFY REALLY,
REALLY WANTS YOU TO KNOW SHE HAD
A PODCAST.
ANTIHUMAN BEING.
IT IS, IS ANTIHUMAN AND
THAT'S WHY ON MY PODCAST FROM
THE KITCHEN TABLE, WE TALK A LOT
ABOUT THESE ISSUE.
IF YOU WANT TO CATCH MY PODCAST
YOU HAVE TO GO BACK A FEW MONTHS
BUT WE HAVE A PODCAST THAT WENT
VIRAL ON THE RIGHT WAY AND IT'S
CALLED GOING BACK TO THE BOSS TO
BE 80s AND YOU SHOULD CHECK
OUT MY PODCAST.
IF YOU WANT MORE ON THE
CONVERSATION, YOU CAN GO TO MY
PODCAST.
IF SHE WAS.
I HAD KENNEDY ON MY PODCAST.
WE DID THE PODCAST, PLEASE GO TO
MY PODCAST "FROM THE KITCHEN
TABLE."
I HAVE A PODCAST WITH MY HUSBAND
"FROM THE KITCHEN TABLE."
ON MY PODCAST "FROM THE KITCHEN
TABLE" THAT I HAVE WITH MY
HUSBAND.
I HAVE "FROM THE KITCHEN TABLE"
WITH MY HUSBAND.
CHECK OUT THE MOST RECENT
EPISODE OF MY PODCAST.
I DON'T WANT TO PLUG MY PODCAST
BUT I'M GOING TO PLUG MY PODCAST
PODCAST.
ARE YOU SURE?
THE PRIMARIES OVER, OF AI
CAME OUT HERE NOW THAT THE
PRIMARIES OVER BECAUSE I JUST
THINK THAT-- --
THERE WE GO.
John: MOVING ON.
OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS
HAWAII.
A PLACE OFTEN DEPICTED AS
PARADISE IN MOVIES AND TV SHOWS
LIKE "HAWAII 5-0",
"NCIS: HAWAII", AND
"MAGNUM P.I.", WHERE THIS
MAGNIFICENT CLIP IS FROM.
MORNING, SISTER.
GOOD MORNING, SIR.
♪ ♪
NUNS DON'T WORK ON SUNDAY.
♪ ♪
John: YES, THAT HAPPENED.
THIS MIGHT COME AS A SHOCK TO
YOUNGER VIEWERS, BUT TV USED TO
BE REALLY GOOD.
AND IF YOU'RE THINKING, "WHY ARE
YOU SHOWING ME THAT FOR THIS
STORY?
EVEN IF IT TOOK PLACE IN HAWAII,
NOTHING IN THAT CLIP INDICATED
IT DID.
HEY, SHUT UP.
I WANTED TO REMIND YOU OF A
SIMPLER TV TIME WHEN YOU COULD
SHOOT A NUN TO SOLVE ALL OF YOUR
HAWAII CRIME PROBLEMS WITHOUT
WORRYING THAT SOMEONE ONLINE
WOULD POINT OUT THAT "ACTUALLY
THERE'S NO RULE THAT SAYS NUNS
CAN'T WORK ON SUNDAYS AND GIVEN
THAT NUNS ARE BY DEFINITION
COMMITTED TO SERVICE EVEN ON A
SUNDAY, IF SO ORDERED BY HER
SUPERIOR."
SHUT THE FUCK UP.
TV USED TO BE GREAT NOT BECAUSE
THE PEOPLE WHO WROTE IT WERE
BETTER, BUT BECAUSE THE PEOPLE
WHO WATCHED IT WERE.
ANYWAY, HAWAII IS FAMOUS FOR
BEING ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR
TOURIST DESTINATIONS ON EARTH--
SO MUCH SO, MANY VISITORS CAN'T
SEEM TO RESIST TAKING A PIECE
HOME WITH THEM.
TOURISM OFFICIALS IN HAWAII
ARE REMINDING VISITORS NOT TO
TAKE LAVA ROCKS HOME WITH THEM.
TAKING THINGS FROM NATIONAL
PARKS IS AGAINST THE LAW, SO
TAKING VOLCANIC ROCKS FROM
HAWAII'S VOLCANOS IS ILLEGAL.
BUT APART FROM BEING ILLEGAL,
LEGEND HAS IT THAT TAKING
VOLCANIC ROCKS FROM HAWAII IS
BAD LUCK.
BECAUSE OF THAT MYTH, MANY
PEOPLE WHO TAKE THE ROCKS END UP
SHIPPING THEM BACK TO THE ISLAND
WITH NOTES OF APOLOGY.
OFFICIALS SAY PUTTING THE ROCKS
BACK WHERE THEY CAME FROM COSTS
TIME AND MONEY.
John: IT'S TRUE, IT
APPARENTLY HAPPENS SO MUCH, A
NATIONAL PARK OFFICIAL EVEN
SAID, "WE WOULD LOVE FOR PEOPLE
JUST TO STOP TAKING STUFF AND
THEN ALSO PLEASE JUST STOP
MAILING US STUFF."
AND I GET THAT!
ESPECIALLY BECAUSE "A ROCK WITH
A NOTE ATTACHED TO IT" IS
FAMOUSLY ONE OF THE MOST
THREATENING FORMS OF
COMMUNICATION THERE IS, RIGHT UP
THERE WITH NOTES WHERE ALL THE
LETTERS ARE CUT OUT FROM
DIFFERENT MAGAZINES, A MESSAGE
SCRAWLED IN BLOOD ON THE WALL,
OR LITERALLY ANY PHONE CALL.
PLEASE, JUST TEXT UNLESS YOU'RE
PLANNING ON MURDERING ME-- AND
EVEN THEN-- JUST DO IT, I'VE
HAD A GOOD RUN.
WELL.
A RUN.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HAWAII
BECAUSE THIS WEEK, IT MARKED A
GRIM ANNIVERSARY.
A YEAR AGO, THE DEADLIEST
WILDFIRE TO HIT THE U.S. IN MORE
THAN A CENTURY RIPPED THROUGH
THE WEST MAUI TOWN OF LAHAINA,
DESTROYING MORE THAN 2,000
BUILDINGS, CAUSING $5.5 BILLION
IN DAMAGE, AND KILLING 102
PEOPLE.
THE AFTERMATH EXPOSED
LONG-SIMMERING TENSIONS UNDER
THE SURFACE OF HAWAII'S
REPUTATION AS A TOURIST PARADISE
ESPECIALLY WHEN JUST A MONTH
LATER, ITS GOVERNOR ANNOUNCED
PLANS TO BEGIN REOPENING MAUI TO
TOURISM, EVEN WHILE MANY LOCALS
WERE STILL TRAUMATIZED OR
MISSING-- SOMETHING THAT,
UNDERSTANDABLY, WENT DOWN POORLY
THERE.
IT'S JUST NOT RIGHT TO GO
BACK INTO FULL-FORCE TOURISM.
WE'RE STILL RECOVERING.
FUNERALS JUST STARTED AND THEY
WANT US TO GO BACK IN.
ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE JOVIAL
WHEN TOURISTS ARE HERE IN THEIR
BATHING SUITS, FROLICKING IN THE
SURF, DRIVING THESE ROADS LIKE
THEY'RE ON THE RACETRACK,
DRINKING MAI TAIS, AND PARTYING
IN OUR FACE?
John: YEAH, YOU CAN SEE WHY
HE MIGHT RESENT TOURISTS.
NO ONE WANTS PEOPLE PARTYING
WHILE THEY'RE SUFFERING.
IT'S THE MAIN REASON THEY NEVER
DID A SEASON OF MTV SPRING
BREAK: KOSOVO.
AND IT GOT WORSE, BECAUSE
DEVELOPERS ALMOST IMMEDIATELY
STARTED TRYING TO SNATCH UP
PROPERTY THERE.
LAHAINA'S NOW-BARREN
LANDSCAPE IS BEING EYED BY
DEVELOPERS WHO WANT TO REPLACE
THE COMMUNITY WITH LUXURY
PROPERTIES.
TO SOME HERE, IT'S A DARK
IRONY, BECAUSE DEVELOPMENT MAY
HAVE CONTRIBUTED TO THE
CATASTROPHE HERE.
OVER THE YEARS, TO ACCOMMODATE
THE GROWING TOURISM INDUSTRY,
MUCH OF MAUI'S WATER WAS
DIVERTED TO NEW HOTELS AND GOLF
COURSES AND AWAY FROM
COMMUNITIES LIKE LAHAINA, DRYING
THE TOWN OUT AND TURNING IT INTO
A TINDERBOX.
IF YOU WALK RIGHT OVER HERE
WHERE ALL OF THESE HOTELS ARE,
EVERYTHING'S GREEN AND LUSH.
AND YOU WALK FROM HERE TO TOWN,
EVERYTHING IS DRY.
John: THAT'S INFURIATING, AND
FOR NATIVE HAWAIIANS IT MUST BE
DIFFICULT TO SHAKE THE FEELING
THAT YOU'RE AN AFTERTHOUGHT,
IT'S LIKE BEING INTRODUCED BY
YOUR PARENTS SAYING "THESE ARE
OUR SONS TOMMY, AND TOMMY'S
BROTHER," OR HAVING YOUR TV
SHOW ANNOUNCED AS, "STICK AROUND
AFTER HOUSE OF THE DRAGON."
I IMAGINE.
I IMAGINE THAT MIGHT BE HURTFUL.
IT'S FRANKLY NO WONDER THAT
AROUND TWO-THIRDS OF HAWAII
RESIDENTS APPARENTLY BELIEVE
THEIR STATE IS BEING RUN FOR
TOURISTS AT THE EXPENSE OF
LOCALS.
AND THE FACT IS, THE MORE YOU
LOOK AT HAWAII, THE CLEARER IT
BECOMES, THEY'RE NOT WRONG--
BUT IT'S NOT JUST TOURISTS.
HAWAII HAS LONG BEEN RUN FOR THE
BENEFIT OF EVERYONE BUT
HAWAIIANS.
SO GIVEN THAT, TONIGHT, LET'S
TALK ABOUT HAWAII.
AND LET'S START WITH SOME OF ITS
HISTORY-- WHICH ISN'T ACTUALLY
TAUGHT MUCH IN AMERICAN SCHOOLS.
SOMETHING THAT'S A LITTLE WEIRD,
GIVEN IT ONLY BECAME A STATE IN
LIVING MEMORY.
HAWAII WAS FIRST SETTLED BY
SEAFARING POLYNESIANS AS EARLY
AS THE YEAR 300.
BUT AT LEAST IN WHITE PEOPLE'S
TELLING, THE REALLY IMPORTANT
STUFF DIDN'T HAPPEN TILL AROUND
14 CENTURIES LATER.
ON A JANUARY DAY IN THE YEAR
1778, TWO STRANGE SHIPS ANCHORED
OFF THE LEEWARD COAST OF ONE OF
THE ISLANDS.
THE FLAG WAS ENGLISH.
THE MAN IN COMMAND WAS CAPTAIN
JAMES COOK.
IN 1835, THE FIRST PERMANENT
PLANTATION WAS ESTABLISHED ON
THE ISLAND OF KAUAI.
WITHIN THREE YEARS, THERE WERE
20 SUGAR MILLS.
FROM THESE MODEST BEGINNINGS, A
GREAT INDUSTRY WAS TO GROW.
John: NOW, THAT CLIP LEAVES
OUT A LOT.
BUT YOU PROBABLY ALREADY KNEW
THAT THE SECOND YOU HEARD THE
MOST OMINOUS LINE IN ANY
HISTORICAL FILM: "THE FLAG WAS
ENGLISH."
IT'S LIKE SEEING ORANGES IN THE
GODFATHER-- WHEN THE BRITISH
FLAG APPEARS ON AN OLD NEWSREEL,
YOU KNOW-- SOMEONE'S ABOUT TO
DIE AND SHIT'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN.
THAT FIRST WESTERN CONTACT LED
TO THE ARRIVAL OF TRADERS, AND
EVENTUALLY, AMERICAN
MISSIONARIES.
WITH THEM CAME DISEASES WHICH
WOULD EVENTUALLY REDUCE THE
NATIVE POPULATION BY AS MUCH AS
90%.
DESCENDANTS OF THE MISSIONARIES
SET UP THOSE SUGAR PLANTATIONS,
AND SOON CAME TO DOMINATE
POLITICS AND ECONOMIC LIFE ON
THE ISLANDS.
AND WHILE RACIST WRITINGS OF THE
TIME PAINT HAWAII AS A
PRIMITIVE, TYRANICAL SOCIETY,
THAT WASN'T THE CASE.
IT WAS A CONSTITUTIONAL MONARCHY
THAT ACTUALLY BANNED SLAVERY IN
1852-- BEFORE THE U.S. DID--
AND HAD ONE OF THE HIGHEST
LITERACY RATES IN THE WORLD.
NEVERTHELESS, IN 1887 A SMALL
GROUP OF WHITE PLANTATION OWNERS
AND BUSINESSMEN FORCED HAWAII'S
KING, AT GUNPOINT, TO SIGN WHAT
BECAME KNOWN AS THE BAYONET
CONSTITUTION, BASICALLY,
TRANSFERRING MUCH OF HIS POWER
TO THEM.
WHEN HIS SISTER, QUEEN
LILIOUKALANI, SUCCEEDED HIM, SHE
VOWED TO UNDO THAT-- SO THE
BUSINESSMEN PLANNED A COUP TO
OVERTHROW HER.
FUN FACT: ONE OF THE COUP'S
LEADERS WAS SANFORD DOLE-- OF
THE "PINEAPPLE DOLES"-- AND
ALSO, THE ONLY MAN EVER TO HAVE
A MUSTACHE AND A BEARD THAT IS
ALSO A MUSTACHE.
HE PUSHED FOR THE U.S. TO ANNEX
THE ISLANDS, AGAINST THE WILL OF
NATIVE HAWAIIANS, WHO COLLECTED
OVER 38,000 SIGNATURES TO OPPOSE
IT.
WHICH, CONSIDERING THERE WERE
ABOUT 40,000 NATIVE HAWAIIANS AT
THE TIME, IS A WHOPPING 95%.
BUT DOLE AND HIS CONSPIRATORS
GOT THEIR WAY, AND WITH THE HELP
OF THE U.S. MILITARY, THE QUEEN
WAS OVERTHROWN, AND HAWAII WAS
ANNEXED INTO THE UNITED STATES.
ALTHOUGH, AGAIN, WHEN WHITE
PEOPLE TELL THE STORY OF THAT
ERA, IT TENDS TO SOUND A LITTLE
DIFFERENT.
THE QUEEN, LAST OF A LONG
LINE OF POLYNESIAN RULERS,
SIGNED THE APPLICATION THAT MADE
HAWAII AN AMERICAN POSSESSION.
THESE NATIVE TROOPS BECAME
SOLDIERS OF UNCLE SAM.
HAPPY THAT HER ISLAND KINGDOM
BECAME AN AMERICAN PROTECTORATE,
THE QUEEN OF HAWAII BID
FAREWELL.
John: "YES, THERE'S THE QUEEN
OF HAWAII NOW, DRESSED IN HER
CELEBRATORY BLACK, SIGNING THE
ISLANDS OVER TO AMERICA
COMPLETELY OF HER OWN FREE WILL
SURROUNDED BY HER CLOSEST
FRIENDS, SEVERAL ARMED WHITE MEN
WITH MUSTACHES."
HAWAII EVENTUALLY BECAME
AMERICA'S 50TH STATE IN 1959,
AND 34 YEARS LATER, CONGRESS
PASSED A RESOLUTION FORMALLY
APOLOGIZING TO NATIVE HAWAIIANS
FOR THE OVERTHROW OF THE
HAWAIIAN KINGDOM.
WHICH IS NICE.
IT'S ALWAYS NICE TO SAY "SORRY"
FOR THINGS, ISN'T IT?
WHETHER IT'S FOR RUNNING LATE,
OR MAKING YOUR PRETEND WEDDING
TO A CABBAGE NICER THAN YOUR
ACTUAL WEDDING WITH YOUR HUMAN
WIFE OR VIOLENT IMPERIALISM.
PEOPLE APPRECIATE A SINCERE
APOLOGY.
I THINK.
BUT DESPITE THAT APOLOGY, OVER
THE PAST CENTURY, A NUMBER OF
GROUPS-- FROM THE U.S.
MILITARY, TO TOURISTS, TO THE
EXTREMELY WEALTHY-- HAVE
CONTINUED TO EXPLOIT HAWAII.
AND LET'S START WITH THE
MILITARY.
HAWAII'S LONG BEEN USED AS A
STRATEGIC MILITARY BASE IN THE
PACIFIC.
THANKS TO MICHAEL BAY, WE ALL
NOW KNOW ABOUT THE TRAGEDIES
SUFFERED BY BEAUTIFUL WHITE
PEOPLE AT PEARL HARBOR.
BUT THE MILITARY'S LONG HAD AN
EXTENSIVE PRESENCE IN HAWAII--
MORE THAN YOU MAY EVEN REALIZE.
THERE ARE 12 KEY MILITARY
INSTALLATIONS AND BASES ACROSS
THE STATE.
AND IT HASN'T EXACTLY BEEN A
SENSITIVE CUSTODIAN OF THE LAND
THAT IT OCCUPIES.
TAKE THE POHAKULOA TRAINING AREA
A 132,000-ACRE LIVE-FIRE
RANGE ON THE BIG ISLAND OF
HAWAII.
MUCH OF IT IS ON FEDERAL LAND
THAT WAS CONFISCATED AFTER
HAWAII WAS ANNEXED.
BUT THE MILITARY ALSO LEASED
SOME MORE LAND FROM THE STATE AT
A RIDICULOUSLY LOW RATE, AND--
TO PUT IT MILDLY-- HASN'T BEEN
A GREAT TENANT.
IN 1964, THE MILITARY SECURED
A LEASE FOR 30,000 ACRES OF LAND
THAT THEY COULD TRAIN ON FOR THE
NEXT 65 YEARS-- ALL FOR $1.
SINCE THEN, THEY'VE DROPPED
BOMBS FROM PLANES, LAUNCHED
ROCKETS FROM HELICOPTERS, SHOT
TARGETS WITH MORTARS AND
ARTILLERY, AND LEFT BEHIND
UNKNOWN AMOUNTS OF UNEXPLODED
ORDNANCE.
THIS HAPPENS EVERY DAY?
IT HAPPENS, NOT NECESSARILY
EVERY DAY, BUT PRETTY REGULARLY.
IT MUST BE A BIG TASK TO GO
IN AND CLEAN ALL THAT UP.
SO, FOR THE-- FOR THE IMPACT
AREA WHERE-- WHERE WE'RE FIRING
NOW, WE-- THAT'S-- WE LET
THAT-- WE LET THAT BE.
OH!
IT'S NEVER CLEANED?
THE IMPACT AREA IS-- IS--
IS, UH, IS LEFT AS IT IS WHEN WE
FIRE IN THERE.
AND THAT'S FOR-- THAT'S FOR
SAFETY-- SAFETY REASONS.
DOES THAT MEAN, LIKE, DECADES
AND DECADES AND NOBODY GOES IN
AND PICKS THIS STUFF UP?
CORRECT.
John: WOW.
SETTING ASIDE THE FACT THE
MILITARY GOT THEIR OWN 65-YEAR
PLAYGROUND FOR $1-- THAT IS
SOME NUCLEAR-GRADE EUPHEMIZING.
THE PLACE WE'VE BEEN BOMBING?
THAT'S AN "IMPACT AREA."
AND IT'S NOT UNCLEAN, IT'S JUST
"LEFT AS IS," FOR "SAFETY
REASONS."
I COULD WATCH THAT MAN SPIN
AWFUL THINGS ALL NIGHT.
"I DIDN'T CHEAT ON MY WIFE, I
MERELY DISCOVERED AN ALTERNATE
PENIS HOLDING AREA.
AND I'M NOT TELLING HER FOR
SAFETY REASONS."
BUT THAT'S BY NO MEANS THE ONLY
PLACE THE MILITARY'S FAILED TO
CLEAN UP AFTER ITSELF.
AFTER THE ATTACK ON PEARL
HARBOR, THE U.S. TOOK OVER THIS
ISLAND-- SACRED TO NATIVE
HAWAIIANS-- AND USED IT AS A
TRAINING GROUND, BOMBING THE
SHIT OUT OF IT.
BUT EVEN AFTER ACTIVISTS RISKED
THEIR LIVES TO STOP THE BOMBING,
AND A MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR EFFORT
TO CLEAN IT UP HAD BEEN
COMPLETED, A FULL QUARTER WAS
STILL NOT CLEARED.
TO THIS DAY, MORE SHELLS AND
BOMBS ARE SOMETIMES REVEALED BY
EROSION, AND ADDITIONAL ORDNANCE
SOMETIMES WASHES UP ON THE
BEACH.
WHICH REALLY MAKES YOU WONDER IF
THAT FAMOUS JESUS AND THE
FOOTPRINTS POEM SHOULD HAVE
ENDED, "AND I TURNED TO JESUS
AND ASKED, THEN WHY WAS THERE
WAS ONLY ONE SET OF FOOTPRINTS
IN THE SAND?
AND JESUS SAID "BECAUSE, MY
CHILD, THAT WAS WHEN I JUMPED UP
ON YOUR SHOULDERS BECAUSE THERE
WAS NO FUCKING WAY I WAS GONNA
STEP ON A BOMB.
NO WAY, MY GUY.
THEY'RE FUCKING EVERYWHERE!"
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.
IN 2002, MIDDLE SCHOOL KIDS
WORKING ON THEIR SCHOOL GARDEN
UNCOVERED A LIVE GRENADE, AND
SUBSEQUENTLY, ORDNANCE EXPERTS
FOUND THREE MORE IN THE SAME
AREA.
AND JUST THREE YEARS AGO, THE
MILITARY'S MASSIVE FUEL STORAGE
FACILITY ON OAHU WAS THE SITE OF
A SPILL THAT POISONED A WATER
SYSTEM THAT SERVES 93,000
PEOPLE.
THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WERE MADE
SICK BY IT, AND THE ENTIRE
ISLAND'S WATER SUPPLY WAS PUT AT
RISK.
THE POINT IS, THE U.S. MILITARY
HAS A PATTERN OF CAUSING AN
ABSOLUTE MESS IN HAWAII, WITH
ACTIVISTS HAVING TO STRUGGLE TO
THEN UNDO THE DAMAGE.
HERE'S ONE LAST EXAMPLE: MAKUA
VALLEY, ON OAHU'S WESTERN SHORE.
THE U.S. ARMY SEIZED IT AFTER
PEARL HARBOR, EVICTING LOCAL
FAMILIES WHO'D LIVED THERE FOR
GENERATIONS.
AND PROMISED THEIR LANDS WOULD
BE RETURNED TO THEM SIX MONTHS
AFTER THE END OF WORLD WAR II.
BUT IT STILL HASN'T DONE THAT.
INSTEAD, IT'S YET ANOTHER OF
HAWAII'S SACRED SPACES THAT'S
BEEN USED FOR TARGET PRACTICE.
THANKFULLY, AFTER ACTIVISTS TOOK
THE ARMY TO COURT, THEY FINALLY
GOT THE MILITARY TO STOP.
THOUGH THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN
THE TWO REMAINS-- TO PUT IT
MILDLY-- STRAINED.
ACTIVISTS WITH THE GROUP
MALAMA MAKUA SUED THE ARMY, AND
IN 2004 SUCCESSFULLY GOT IT TO
STOP LIVE-FIRE TRAINING HERE.
NOW, THE GROUP IS ALLOWED TO
VISIT THE VALLEY-- BUT ONLY
TWICE A MONTH.
SO, THE GROUP HAS TO WALK BEHIND
THIS REPRESENTATIVE FROM THE
MILITARY WHO FIRST HAS TO SCAN
THE AREA FOR POTENTIAL
UNEXPLODED ORDNANCE.
WE APPRECIATE ACCESS INTO
THIS VALLEY, BUT WE DON'T
APPRECIATE THE FACT THAT WE HAVE
TO ASK PERMISSION TO BE IN THIS
VALLEY.
WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO
THE ARMY RIGHT NOW?
THE REALITY IS, IT'S PRETTY
[BLEEP] UP.
SORRY FOR THE SWEARING, BUT IT'S
NOT LIKE WE'RE ALL BEST FRIENDS.
John: OKAY, FIRST, THERE IS
NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE FOR
SWEARING.
IF ANYONE'S ENTITLED TO SAY
"FUCK" ON NATIONAL TV, IT SHOULD
BE YOU.
AS FOR "NOT BEST FRIENDS," I GET
IT.
YOU DON'T CALL AN INSTITUTION
WHO STEALS YOUR SHIT THEN MAKES
YOU ASK PERMISSION TO VISIT IT
YOUR BEST FRIEND.
AS WE ALL KNOW, YOU CALL THAT
"THE BRITISH MUSEUM."
BUT AS I SAID-- IT'S NOT JUST
THE MILITARY WHO CAN TAKE
PRECEDENCE OVER NATIVE
RESIDENTS OF HAWAIIANS.
THAT'S TRUE OF THE TOURISM
INDUSTRY, TOO-- WHICH IS
OBVIOUSLY A BIG PART OF HAWAII'S
ECONOMY, CONTRIBUTING NEARLY 20%
OF ITS GDP.
BUT WHILE TOURISTS EXPERIENCE
HAWAII AS A CAREFREE VACATION
SPOT, MANY WHO LIVE THERE
EXPERIENCE A VERY DIFFERENT
REALITY.
FOR ONE THING, TOURISM JOBS TEND
TO BE PRETTY LOW-WAGE-- WHICH
IS PART OF WHY MORE THAN TWO
THIRDS OF THOSE WHO LIVE IN
HAWAII SHOW SIGNS OF FINANCIAL
STRESS, LIKE WORKING MULTIPLE
JOBS, LIVING WITH RELATIVES, AND
DIPPING INTO SAVINGS.
HAWAII DOES SEEM SET UP TO
BENEFIT WEALTHY OUTSIDERS.
TAKE HOUSING.
THERE ARE CURRENTLY 32,000 SHORT
TERM RENTALS ACROSS THE STATE,
MEANING ONE OUT OF EVERY 18
HOUSING UNITS THERE IS A
VACATION RENTAL, LIKE AN AIRBNB.
AND A MAJORITY OF THEIR OWNERS
DON'T EVEN LIVE IN HAWAII.
IN FACT, NEARLY A QUARTER OF
HAWAIIAN HOMES WERE PURCHASED BY
BUYERS FROM OUTSIDE THE STATE.
THAT IS PART OF WHY HAWAII IS
NOW THE MOST EXPENSIVE STATE IN
THE NATION FOR HOUSING.
AND GIVEN THAT, IT'S NOT
SURPRISING THAT HAWAII HAS
CONSISTENTLY HAD AMONG THE
HIGHEST RATES OF HOMELESSNESS IN
THE NATION, IT'S BEEN AN ISSUE
THERE FOR YEARS NOW, AS THIS
REPORT FROM 2015 SHOWS.
WE'VE ACTUALLY BEEN TOLD BY
SOME OF THE CITY CREWS TO BE
INVISIBLE, AND IT'S LIKE, HOW DO
YOU WANT US TO DO THAT?
[LAUGHS]
SOME OF HAWAII'S HOMELESS
PEOPLE USED TO LIVE IN MUCH MORE
VISIBLE WAIKIKI BEACH.
OFFICIALS SAID THAT WAS HURTING
THE TOURIST INDUSTRY, CRUCIAL
FOR THE LOCAL ECONOMY.
IT STARTED TO IMPACT OUR
GUESTS.
THEY WOULD COMMENT ABOUT IT ON
TRIPADVISOR AND ELSEWHERE.
John: OKAY, IT IS SHITTY TO
TELL HOMELESS PEOPLE TO BE
INVISIBLE, BUT IT'S EXTRA SHITTY
TO DO SO TO PROTECT YOUR
TRIPADVISOR REVIEWS.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW USELESS
THEY ARE?
HERE'S AN EXAMPLE OF ONE: "THE
MUSEUM ITSELF WAS WONDERFUL.
I WAS VERY DISAPPOINTED THAT THE
ENTRY DISCOUNT ONLY APPLIES TO
AMERICAN MILITARY."
"ONE STAR."
GUESS WHAT THAT WAS FROM?
THE 9/11 MEMORIAL MUSEUM.
A DIFFERENT ONE-STAR TRIPADVISOR
REVIEW READS "THIS EXPERIENCE
PROVES ONCE MORE, THAT NYC IS
BEST LIKENED TO A GILDED
DUMPSTER THAT IS ROAMING WITH
EVERY KIND OF VERMIN AS SOON AS
NIGHT HAS BEEN FALLING.
IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR TRUE
URBANITY, VISIT EUROPE!"
THAT'S AN ANNOYING THING TO SAY
ABOUT ANYTHING BUT PARTICULARLY
IRRITATING CONSIDERING IT'S A
REVIEW OF, AGAIN, THE 9/11
MUSEUM.
OR HOW ABOUT A THIRD TRIP
ADVISOR REVIEW THAT READS
"ABSOLUTELY WOEFUL AVOID AVOID
AVOID STAY WELL CLEAR OF THIS
ESTABLISHMENT" A REVIEW THAT IS
FOR-- AND I THINK WE ALL KNOW
WHERE THIS IS GOING--
NEW YORK'S TGI FRIDAYS.
I ADMIT, THE REVIEWS AREN'T 100%
WRONG.
BUT IT'S NOT JUST HOUSING COSTS
FOOD IS INCREDIBLY EXPENSIVE
IN HAWAII.
THE ISLANDS USED TO BE
SELF-SUSTAINING, BUT ONE LEGACY
OF THE SUGAR PLANTATIONS IS THAT
THEY DESTROYED MUCH OF THE
AGRICULTURAL DIVERSITY.
AS A RESULT, HAWAII TODAY
IMPORTS 90% OF ITS FOOD, WITH
RESIDENTS ROUTINELY PAYING SOME
OF THE HIGHEST PRICES IN THE
NATION FOR BASIC STAPLES, AS
THIS WOMAN IN HAWAII EXPLAINS.
OKAY, LET ME SHOW YOU HOW
MUCH MY GROCERIES COST.
GALLON OF MILK: $9.
FIVE APPLES.
I DID EAT TWO, BECAUSE I WAS
VERY HUNGRY ON THE WALK HOME.
$15.
$3 AN APPLE.
BAG OF GRAPES.
$17.
John: $17 IS TOO MUCH FOR
THAT MANY GRAPES.
IN FACT, IT'S TOO MUCH FOR ANY
GRAPES.
GRAPES ARE TERRIBLE.
IF YOU DON'T EAT GRAPES IN THREE
DAYS, THEY JUST SHRIVEL INTO
SKANKY LITTLE SUGAR BALLOONS.
LET ME BE CLEAR ABOUT THIS,
EITHER BE A RAISIN OR A GRAPE,
I'VE NO PATIENCE FOR YOUR FRUIT
PUBERTY.
AND HAWAII'S GOVERNMENT HAS SAID
IT'S ADDRESSING FOOD COSTS-- IN
2014, ITS GOVERNOR SET A GOAL TO
DOUBLE HAWAII'S FOOD PRODUCTION
BY 2020.
WHICH SOUNDS GOOD!
BUT IT'S NOT A GREAT SIGN THAT
HE LATER CHANGED THE TARGET DATE
TO 2030, AND IT'S NOT CLEAR
THEY'LL HIT THAT, EITHER.
BUT MAYBE THE ULTIMATE
EXPRESSION OF THE EXTENT TO
WHICH HAWAII IS BEING RESHAPED
BY WEALTHY OUTSIDERS IS ITS
GROWING POPULATION OF
BILLIONAIRES.
11% OF THE PRIVATE LAND THERE IS
OWNED BY JUST 37 BILLIONAIRES,
AMONG THEM LARRY ELLISON, MARK
ZUCKERBERG, AND OPRAH.
FOR A SENSE OF JUST HOW MUCH
LAND SOME OF THEM HAVE, CONSIDER
THAT, IN 2019, WHEN A DIFFERENT
BRUSH FIRE BROKE OUT IN MAUI,
PEOPLE TRYING TO ESCAPE IT WOUND
UP TWEETING AT OPRAH TO KINDLY
SHARE THE CODE TO THE GATE FOR
HER PRIVATE ROAD ON HER ESTATE,
SO FOLKS COULD EVACUATE.
NOW, TO HER CREDIT, SHE DID THAT
IMMEDIATELY-- THE STATE'S
GOVERNOR AT THE TIME EVEN
TWEETED OUT, "A BIG MAHALO TO
OPRAH FOR GIVING MAUI COUNTY
ACCESS TO YOUR PRIVATE ROAD."
BUT IT STILL FEELS A BIT WEIRD
THAT PEOPLE HAD TO ASK IN THE
FIRST PLACE.
AND OTHER BILLIONAIRES HAVE GONE
MUCH FURTHER THAN JUST BUYING
PARTS OF AN ISLAND.
THE RUGGED SHORELINE,
SPARKLING WATERS, AND PRISTINE
BEACHES ON THE ISLAND OF LANAI
MAKE THIS FOUR SEASONS RESORT
ONE OF THE WORLD'S MOST
SOUGHT-AFTER VACATION
DESTINATIONS.
BILLIONAIRE FOUNDER OF ORACLE
CORPORATION LARRY ELLISON LOVED
THE REMOTE HAWAIIAN GETAWAY SO
MUCH HE BOUGHT IT, ALONG WITH
98% OF THE ENTIRE ISLAND, FOR A
REPORTED $300 MILLION.
John: IT'S TRUE.
LARRY ELLISON BOUGHT VIRTUALLY
THE ENTIRE ISLAND OF LANAI,
ALONG WITH MOST OF WHAT'S ON IT.
MEANING HE NOW OWNS ITS MAIN
GROCERY STORE, ITS LONE GAS
STATION, AND THE COMMUNITY
NEWSPAPER.
HE'S BASICALLY ALMOST EVERYONE'S
BOSS AND LANDLORD.
AND I KNOW IT WENT BY QUICK, BUT
LET'S AT LEAST ACKNOWLEDGE THIS
IMAGE.
THAT'S LARRY ELLISON.
HE'S 79, AND NO, THAT'S NOT HIS
DAUGHTER, IT'S HIS
GRANDDAUGHTER.
EXCEPT I'M KIDDING, THAT WAS HIS
GIRLFRIEND THERE.
SHE'S 33, BY THE WAY.
MEANING HE WAS 15 WHEN HAWAII
BECAME A STATE.
AND SHE WAS 16 WHEN HE BECAME
ELIGIBLE FOR SOCIAL SECURITY.
AREN'T FACTS FUN?
JUST ONE OF MANY STORIES YOU
PROBABLY WON'T READ IN LANAI'S
LOCAL NEWSPAPER.
BUT WHEN IT COMES TO
BILLIONAIRES IN HAWAII, NOTHING
COMPARES TO WHAT'S BEING DONE ON
KAUAI BY MARK ZUCKERBERG, A REAL
BOY WHO WISHED UPON A STAR TO
BECOME A WOODEN PUPPET.
HE'S CURRENTLY BUILDING A
GIGANTIC COMPOUND THAT
REPORTEDLY HAS MORE THAN A DOZEN
BUILDINGS, WITH AT LEAST 30
BEDROOMS AND BATHROOMS, CENTERED
AROUND TWO MANSIONS CONNECTED BY
A TUNNEL THAT BRANCHES INTO A
5000-SQUARE-FOOT UNDERGROUND
BUNKER, ALONG WITH A WEB OF 11
TREEHOUSES CONNECTED BY
INTRICATE ROPE BRIDGES.
ZUCKERBERG ALSO HAS A LONG STONE
WALL AROUND HIS PROPERTY, WHICH
HAS RUFFLED FEATHERS AMONG MANY
NATIVE HAWAIIANS, FOR REASONS
THAT, AS YOU'LL SEE, ARE
UNDERSTANDABLE.
SO, THE LAND THAT YOU OWN IS
JUST ACROSS THIS FENCE RIGHT
HERE?
YES.
BUT MARK ZUCKERBERG HAS PUT
UP THIS WALL AND FENCE AND IT
SAYS NO TRESPASSING?
YEAH.
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU
TRIED TO GO OVER THAT?
I'D GET ARRESTED FOR
TRESPASSING.
EVEN THOUGH IT'S YOUR LAND?
YEP.
THE PROBLEM IS KULEANA LANDS
ARE PASSED DOWN THROUGH THE
GENERATIONS WITHOUT A WILL OR
DEED.
THE LACK OF PAPER TRAIL MEANS
SOME DECEDENTS DON'T EVEN KNOW
THEY OWN LAND.
OTHER TIMES UNDER A COMPLICATED
LEGAL SYSTEM CALLED "QUIET
TITLE" A BUYER LIKE ZUCKERBERG
CAN SUE KULEANA OWNERS TO FORCE
THEM TO SELL THEIR LANDS,
USUALLY AT AUCTION FOR PENNIES
ON THE DOLLAR.
AND THAT'S JUST WHAT HE DID.
SUING HUNDREDS, AND INFURIATING
MANY MORE.
John: YEAH, HE'S SUED
HUNDREDS OF NATIVE HAWAIIANS
WITH ANCESTRAL "KULEANA" CLAIMS
TO THE LAND-- USING A LEGAL
MANEUVER PIONEERED BY WHITE
SUGAR PLANTERS.
IT'S THE MOST ON-BRAND
WHITE-GUY-IN-HAWAII THING HE
COULD POSSIBLY DO, IS A THING I
WOULD SAY, IF I HADN'T SEEN
WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS WAS.
NOW, ZUCKERBERG ULTIMATELY
WITHDREW FROM THOSE LAWSUITS,
WRITING AN OP-ED PROMISING TO
WORK TOGETHER WITH THE COMMUNITY
ON A NEW APPROACH.
BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW, NOT ONLY
DID HE CONTINUE BUYING UP
PARCELS OF KULEANA LAND HIMSELF,
HE ALSO CONTINUED TO SUPPORT HIS
CO-CLAIMANT IN THE LAWSUIT, WHO
WAS A FRIEND OF HIS, AND VERY
CONVENIENTLY, A KULEANA OWNER
WHO WANTED TO BUY OUT THE RIGHTS
OF ALL THE OTHERS.
IN THE END, HIS FRIEND WON, AND
BOUGHT THE DISPUTED PARCELS OF
LAND FOR $2 MILLION, THOUGH--
AS THE LOCAL NEWSPAPER PUT IT,
"HOW EXACTLY THE RETIRED COLLEGE
PROFESSOR PUT TOGETHER OVER $2
MILLION REMAINS A POINT OF
CONTENTION."
AND LOOK, WHO CAN SAY WHERE HE
GOT THAT MONEY?
APPARENTLY NOT ME, LEGALLY!
MAYBE IT JUST FELL OUT OF A
RANDOM TREEHOUSE SOMEWHERE.
BUT BASICALLY, IT DOES SEEM LIKE
THAT "NEW APPROACH FOR THE
COMMUNITY" ENDED UP WITH
ZUCKERBERG GETTING WHAT HE
WANTED ANYWAY.
AND BILLIONAIRES LIKE HIM WILL
INSIST THEY CONTRIBUTE TO LOCAL
CHARITIES AND HELP THE ECONOMY
THERE.
BUT IT'S THE LARGER KIND OF
DYNAMIC HERE WHERE WEALTHY
OUTSIDERS CAN OUTPURCHASE AND
OUTMANEUVER A LOCAL POPULATION
THAT CAN BE SO DISPIRITING.
AND IT'S INSTRUCTIVE TO CONTRAST
THE EASE WITH WHICH BILLIONAIRES
CAN SNAP UP WHOLE ISLANDS IN
HAWAII, WITH HOW DIFFICULT IT
CAN BE FOR NATIVE HAWAIIANS TO
NAVIGATE EVEN PROGRAMS DESIGNED
FOR THEM.
TAKE THE "HAWAIIAN HOME LANDS"
PROGRAM, ESTABLISHED TO PROVIDE
HOMESTEADS TO NATIVE HAWAIIANS.
AS A FORM OF REPARATION,
CONGRESS CREATED A TRUST OF OVER
200,000 ACRES FOR IT.
BUT THERE ARE SOME HUGE CAVEATS.
NOT ONLY WAS IT CHRONICALLY
UNDERFUNDED FROM THE START, SOME
OF THE LAND SET ASIDE IS
UNUSABLE.
IN FACT, ON THE BIG ISLAND,
HUNDREDS OF NATIVE HAWAIIANS
HAVE BEEN AWARDED PLOTS OF LAND,
BUT CAN'T BUILD HOMES THERE
BECAUSE THE LAND IS SITTING
WITHIN A FUCKING UNEXPLODED
ORDNANCE ZONE.
WHAT'S MORE, THE WAIT LIST IS
29,000 PEOPLE LONG.
AND AS THIS WOMAN WILL TELL YOU
YOU CAN BE ON IT FOR A WHILE.
YOU'LL SEE THIS, WHERE IT
LISTS AS OF DECEMBER 2020, THE
DIFFERENT ISLANDS.
YOU CAN SEE THE MAUI WAITLIST
HERE.
I WENT ON THE WAITLIST IN 2002.
THIS IS 2021.
SO, 19 YEARS I'VE BEEN ON MAUI'S
WAITLIST.
SO I HAVE TO WAIT FOR THEM TO
GIVE ME A LOT.
WHEN THAT HAPPENS, IN MY
LIFETIME, YOU THINK?
PROBABLY NOT.
John: YEAH, PROBABLY NOT!
AND THAT'S ABSURD.
SHE'S WAITED 19 YEARS.
THINK ABOUT HOW FRUSTRATING IT
CAN BE TO STARE AT YOUR PHONE
WAITING WHEN YOUR UBEREATS
DRIVER IS RUNNING SIX
MINUTES LATE.
NOW IMAGINE THAT SIX MINUTES IS
19 YEARS, AND YOUR SPAGHETTI
VONGOLE IS A HOME IN YOUR
ANCESTRAL HOMELAND.
AND WHEN YOU TAKE EVERYTHING
YOU'VE SEEN TONIGHT-- THE
COST-OF-LIVING CRISIS, THE LOW
WAGES OF A TOURISM-DOMINANT
ECONOMY, THE OFF-CHANCE OF BEING
EXPLODED OR POISONED BY THE U.S.
MILITARY-- IT'S NO WONDER THAT
MANY ARE SIMPLY CHOOSING TO
LEAVE THE ISLANDS-- IN FACT,
"EACH YEAR, 15,000 NATIVE
HAWAIIANS LEAVE THE STATE FOR
THE MAINLAND, WHICH NOW BOASTS A
LARGER HAWAIIAN POPULATION THAN
HAWAII ITSELF."
SO, WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?
WELL, WHEN A SITUATION'S THIS
COMPLICATED, AND TOOK THIS LONG
TO DEVELOP, THERE AREN'T GOING
TO BE QUICK AND EASY SOLUTIONS.
BUT THERE ARE STILL SOME OBVIOUS
STEPS WE COULD TAKE.
WHEN IT COMES TO THE MILITARY'S
ABSURD, $1, 65-YEAR LEASES ON
STATE LANDS, THEY ACTUALLY
EXPIRE IN 2029 AND WHILE THE
MILITARY'S CURRENTLY TRYING TO
RENEW THEM OVER THE OBJECTIONS
OF MANY LOCALS, I'D ARGUE THAT
PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAPPEN.
AS FOR HAWAII'S HOUSING CRISIS,
THERE ARE, AGAIN, SOME SMALL
WAYS TO ADDRESS THAT RIGHT NOW
INCLUDING RESTRICTING
SHORT-TERM RENTALS OR SECOND
HOMES, AND MAKING SURE WHAT'S
BUILT BY DEVELOPERS IS ACTUALLY
AFFORDABLE FOR RESIDENTS.
AND IN GENERAL, I'D ARGUE THE
STATE GOVERNMENT SHOULD BE
FOCUSED ON GROWING A MORE
DIVERSE AND BALANCED LOCAL
ECONOMY, INSTEAD OF PRIORITIZING
TOURISM AT THE EXPENSE OF ALL
ELSE.
IN THE WAKE OF LAST YEAR'S
FIRES, THERE WAS A LOT OF TALK
OF "HELPING MAUI REBUILD," BUT
MAYBE THE QUESTION WE SHOULD BE
ASKING IS, "FOR WHO, EXACTLY?"
AND TO THEIR CREDIT, SOME
COMMUNITY-LED GROUPS LIKE THESE
HAVE BEEN HARD AT WORK IN
LAHAINA TO MAKE SURE THE
COMMUNITY DOESN'T END UP
PERMANENTLY DISPLACED, AND GETS
A REAL SAY IN WHAT THE FUTURE
THERE LOOKS LIKE.
HONESTLY, WHEN IT COMES TO
DETERMINING THE FUTURE OF
HAWAII, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY BE
LISTENING LESS TO OUTSIDERS LIKE
ME, AND MORE TO GROUPS LIKE
THESE.
AND FINALLY, WHEN IT COMES TO
TOURISM-- IF YOU'RE WATCHING
THIS THINKING, "I WANTED TO TAKE
A VACATION TO HAWAII, SHOULD I
GO?"
WELL, AS YOU'VE SEEN, MANY
PEOPLE THERE DO DEPEND ON THE
TOURISM INDUSTRY, WITH OTHERS
JUSTIFIABLY INFURIATED BY HOW
IT'S EXACERBATED SO MANY
PROBLEMS HAWAII'S BEEN
STRUGGLING WITH.
I WILL SAY, THOUGH-- THE
SOLUTION'S NOT GOING TO COME
DOWN TO ANY SINGLE TRIP YOU
MIGHT TAKE.
IT'S GOING TO REQUIRE MUCH
BIGGER, SYSTEMIC CHOICES.
THAT SAID, IF YOU DO END UP
VISITING, TRY TO BE AWARE OF THE
HISTORY OF WHAT YOU'RE STEPPING
INTO-- A HISTORY I REALIZE MOST
OF US WERE NEVER TAUGHT-- AND
REMEMBER THAT YOUR VACATION SPOT
IS SOMEONE ELSE'S HOME.
ALSO, A FEW EXTRA TIPS: DON'T
TAKE ANY ROCKS, DEFINITELY DON'T
SEND ANY BACK WITH A NOTE, AND
IF YOU SEE A NUN ON A LADDER ON
A SUNDAY, SHOOT HER BEFORE SHE
SHOOTS YOU.
THAT'S JUST COMMON SENSE.
AND NOW, THIS.
Announcer: AND NOW,
THE DELIGHTFULLY BIZARRE MUSINGS
OF PHILLIES CALL COLOR
COMMENTATOR.
NOW THAT WE THINK ABOUT THIS
NOW THAT WE HAVE SOME TIME, WHY
ARE WE BORN WITH HAIR ON OUR
CHEST AS MEN?
I DON'T KNOW THAT.
WHY DOES IT WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE
16, 17, 18, 20.
AND THEN IT STARTS GROWING.
WHERE THE FOLLICLES DORM >>
THERE'S NOT A LOT OF SHOWS I
WATCH WITH THE KIDS.
I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO ASK
WHICH ONE IT IS.
I CAN TELL YOU.
ALL THE KID WAS COMPLAIN.
I USED TO DO STUFF WITH ESPN ON
ANIMAL KINGDOM.
OPEN UP THE SHAPE.
IF THERE IS A GIRAFFE OPENING LOOKING IN
MY WINDOW.
DID YOU FEED IT ANYTHING?
I DID NOT.
KENNY PIERCE SAID I NEED MY
GIRLFRIEND TO GET UP HERE.
WE GO DOWN AND PICK HER UP, HER
DAD COMES WITH A SHOTGUN TRYING
TO SHOOT US.
IT DID I TELL HER ABOUT THE
PRISON TEAM WHEN I'M PLAYING
WINTER BALL?
I SAID WHAT DID HE DO?
HE SAID HE FOUND HER GIRLFRIEND
CHEATING IN THE CAR.
VERY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THAT.
John: THAT'S OUR SHOW,
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.
WE WILL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
GOOD NIGHT!
♪ ♪