WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT"!
I'M JOHN OLIVER, THANK YOU SO
MUCH FOR JOINING US.
IT HAS BEEN A BUSY WEEK,
AND ONE DOMINATED BY REACTIONS
TO JOE BIDEN DROPPING OUT OF THE
PRESIDENTIAL RACE LAST SUNDAY--
A DECISION THAT CAUGHT MANY OFF
GUARD, INCLUDING THESE LOCAL
ANCHORS, IN THE MIDDLE OF THEIR
SEGMENT CALLED
"GORGEOUS GRANDMAS".
THIS COMES TO US FROM,
DEBORA BATISTE, WHO WE LOVE.
OH, PERFECT.
YEAH.
SHE SHOWED HER THERE.
ALL RIGHT.
AND THEN-- I KNOW WE HAVE SOME
NEWS COMING IN NOW, SO JUST GIVE
US A SECOND HERE.
BUT FOR NOW, I KNOW, LAUREN,
FAVORITE PHOTO OF GRANDMA--
OKAY.
LET'S GO AHEAD AND COME BACK OUT
HERE.
WE'RE GOING TO PUT SOMETHING
ELSE ONTO THE--
WE'RE GOING TO GO WITH IT.
I'M NOT HEARING ANYTHING IN MY
EAR, SO.
WE ARE GETTING WORD INTO OUR
NEWSROOM THAT PRESIDENT
JOE BIDEN IS DROPPING OUT OF THE
RACE AND NOT RUNNING FOR
REELECTION.
LET'S GET THIS STATEMENT THAT HE
POSTED TO HIS SOCIAL MEDIA ONTO
THE iPAD RIGHT HERE.
INSTAGRAM HERE.
AS YOU GET THAT UP, I CAN GO
AHEAD AND READ IT.
IT'S NOT WORKING.
SO, LET'S JUST GO AHEAD AND READ
IT.
WOW, GETTING THAT
GRANDMA OFF THE SCREEN WAS THE
SECOND TIME THAT DAY WHERE A
SENIOR CITIZEN SUCCESSFULLY WAS
PUSHED ASIDE.
AND THOSE TWO WEREN'T THE ONLY
ONES CAUGHT OFF-GUARD.
PEOPLE GOT THE NEWS IN ALL SORTS
OF WAYS-- FROM THE "LIZA
MINNELLI OUTLIVES" TWITTER
ACCOUNT, WHICH SOLEMNLY
ANNOUNCED, "LIZA MINNELLI HAS
OUTLIVED JOE BIDEN'S RACE FOR
RE-ELECTION" TO THIS POST ON THE
EMOJI PASTA SUBREDDIT, AND AS
FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, "HOE BIDEN
HAS DROPPED HIS ASS OUT OF THE
2024 ERECTION BECAUSE THE
PRESI-DICK IS EXPERIENCING SOME
FREAKY HEALTH ISSUES INCLUDING
MEM-WHORE-Y LOSS AND CUM-FUSION"
IS OUR GENERATION'S JOURNALISTIC
EQUIVALENT OF WALTER CRONKITE
TEARFULLY ANNOUNCING THE DEATH
OF JFK.
BUT PERHAPS ONE OF THE BIGGEST
SURPRISES HERE WAS THAT
DEMOCRATS MANAGED,
UNCHARACTERISTICALLY, TO HANDLE
THIS IN AN ORGANIZED FASHION,
ALMOST IMMEDIATELY LINING UP
BEHIND KAMALA HARRIS, WHOSE
CAMPAIGN SAYS IT RAISED $81
MILLION WITHIN 24 HOURS, CALLING
IT "THE LARGEST AMOUNT OF MONEY
RAISED IN A 24-HOUR SPAN IN
PRESIDENTIAL HISTORY."
MEANWHILE, THE INTERNET FILLED
WITH KAMALA MEMES, TURBOCHARGED
BY THE FACT CHARLI X-C-X TWEETED
"KAMALA IS BRAT," WHICH
UNFORTUNATELY SET OFF DAYS OF
CNN TRYING TO EXPLAIN TO ITS
AUDIENCE WHAT THE FUCK THAT
MEANS.
KAMALA HARRIS EMBRACES BEING
CALLED BRAT.
WHY?
AND NOW PRESUMPTIVE
PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE IS BRAT.
IT'S A GOOD THING APPARENTLY.
OKAY, HERE WE GO.
CHARLI XCX, WHO I DO KNOW,
QUOTE, "BRAT YOU'RE JUST THAT
GIRL WHO IS A LITTLE MESSY AND
LIKES TO PARTY.
AND MAYBE SAYS SOME DUMB THINGS,
SOME TIMES," END QUOTE.
SO IS THE IDEA THAT WE'RE ALL
KINDA BRAT, AND VICE PRESIDENT
HARRIS IS BRAT?
NO, JAKE!
THAT'S NOT IT AT ALL!
WE ARE ALL NOT "KINDA BRAT."
YOU ARE EITHER BRAT OR YOU'RE
NOT.
GOD DAMN IT, TAPPER!
BRAT SUMMER IS CANCELED.
AT BEST WE GOT EIGHT TO NINE
BRAT BUSINESS DAYS.
REPUBLICANS SPENT THE WEEK
TRYING TO COUNTER THE NEWFOUND
ENTHUSIASM AROUND HARRIS, WITH
CRITICISM FREQUENTLY DEFAULTING
TO OUTRIGHT RACISM.
SHE WAS CALLED, AMONG OTHER
THINGS, A DIVERSITY, OR "DEI
HIRE," AND WHEN THEY WEREN'T
STOOPING THAT LOW, THEY WERE
REACHING FOR DESPERATE ATTACKS
LIKE THESE.
YOU KNOW, A MAJOR LIABILITY
FOR KAMALA HARRIS, SHE WANTS TO
BAN PLASTIC STRAWS.
SHE WANTS TO BAN MY PLASTIC
STRAWS?
I LOVE MY PLASTIC STRAWS, I HATE
THOSE PAPER ONES.
KAMALA CAN'T HAVE MY GUNS.
SHE CAN'T HAVE MY GASOLINE
ENGINE.
AND SHE SURE AS HELL CAN'T HAVE
MY STEAKS AND CHEESEBURGERS.
SHE IS A RADICAL CALIFORNIA
LEFTIST.
THAT'S ALMOST A PARODY
OF RIGHT-WING FEARMONGERING.
"SHE'LL TAKE YOUR STRAWS, SHE'LL
TAKE YOUR BURGERS, AND BROTHER,
IF YOU LIKE EATING YOUR BURGERS
THROUGH A STRAW, SAY GOODBYE TO
YOUR WHOLE LIFE."
HARRIS IS NOT A
"RADICAL CALIFORNIA LEFTIST."
SHE WAS A PROSECUTOR.
IF DICK WOLF THINKS YOUR JOB IS
HEROIC AND NOBLE, CHANCES ARE
YOU'RE NOT LEADING THE
REVOLUTION.
AND EVEN IF SHE WERE, THAT
DOESN'T TRANSLATE TO "STEALING
PEOPLE'S CHEESEBURGERS."
THAT'S THE HAMBURGLAR, TED.
YOU'RE THINKING OF THE
HAMBURGLAR.
BUT ALL IN ALL, IT WAS A PRETTY
GOOD WEEK FOR THE CURRENT VICE
PRESIDENT-- AND A PRETTY
TERRIBLE ONE FOR TRUMP'S PICK TO
JD VANCE.
BECAUSE HE SPENT THE WEEK ON THE
CAMPAIGN TRAIL, WHERE HIS
PERFORMANCE WAS, TO SAY THE
LEAST, UNDERWHELMING.
DEMOCRATS SAY THAT IT IS
RACIST TO BELIEVE-- WELL, THEY
SAY IT'S RACIST TO DO ANYTHING.
I HAD A DIET MOUNTAIN DEW
YESTERDAY, AND ONE TODAY, I'M
SURE THEY'RE GONNA CALL THAT
RACIST, TOO.
BUT IT'S GOOD.
I LOVE YOU GUYS.
STOP IT, STOP IT NOW.
IT PHYSICALLY HURTS ME
TO WATCH THAT.
THE VIBE THERE IS LESS "RUNNING
FOR VICE PRESIDENT" AND MORE
"SHITTING THE BED AT AN OPEN MIC
NIGHT."
THAT MAKES JEB'S "PLEASE CLAP"
LOOK LIKE SHOWTIME AT THE
APOLLO.
PEOPLE ARE GETTING A LOOK AT
JD VANCE FOR THE FIRST TIME, AND
WHAT'S BECOMING CLEAR FROM
POLLING COMPARING HIM TO
PREVIOUS VP CANDIDATES IS THAT
VOTERS ARE NOT LIKING WHAT
THEY'RE SEEING.
WE TAKE A LOOK AT THE NET
FAVORABLE RATINGS FOR A
JD VANCE.
THAT'S FAVORABLE MINUS
UNFAVORABLE.
IT'S A NEGATIVE NET TERRITORY.
LOOK AT THAT NEGATIVE SIX
POINTS.
THAT IS UNDERWATER, THE AVERAGE
SINCE 2000 IS PLUS 19 POINTS,
J.D. VANCE MAKING HISTORY IN THE
COMPLETELY WRONG WAY.
YEAH, NOT GREAT!
AND I REALIZE IT'S NOT THE
POINT, BUT THIS FEELS LIKE THE
WRONG PHOTO TO ACCOMPANY THAT
RATING.
THAT'S AN EXPRESSION THAT
SCREAMS, "EVERYTHING'S GOING
GREAT!"
NOT "I'M SO UNLIKABLE THAT IT
MADE THE NEWS."
AND WHILE SOME OF THAT
NEGATIVITY MIGHT BE A RESPONSE
TO VANCE'S DEMEANOR, IT MIGHT
ALSO BE THAT PEOPLE ARE LEARNING
WHAT HE STANDS FOR.
HE'S ARGUED THE LAST ELECTION
WAS STOLEN FROM TRUMP, AND HE'S
SUPPORTED A FEDERAL ABORTION
BAN.
AND FOR SPEECH RAPE AND INCEST.
HE'S ARGUED THE LAST ELECTION
WAS STOLEN FROM TRUMP, AND HE'S
ALSO ARGUED THAT, BECAUSE KAMALA
HARRIS AND OTHER DEMOCRATS
DIDN'T HAVE CHILDREN, THEY
DIDN'T HAVE, QUOTE, ANY PHYSICAL
COMMITMENT TO THE FUTURE OF THIS
COUNTRY"-- AN ARGUMENT HE
ELABORATED ON TO TUCKER CARLSON.
WE'RE EFFECTIVELY RUN IN THIS
COUNTRY, VIA THE DEMOCRATS, VIA
OUR CORPORATE OLIGARCHS, BY A
BUNCH OF CHILDLESS CAT LADIES
WHO ARE MISERABLE AT THEIR OWN
LIVES AND THE CHOICES THAT
THEY'VE MADE AND SO THEY WANT TO
MAKE THE REST OF THE COUNTRY
MISERABLE, TOO.
OH, FUCK ALL THE WAY
OFF, YOU POTATO-HEADED
BUILD-A-BIGOT.
SET ASIDE THAT HARRIS HAS TWO
STEP-CHILDREN, NEITHER OF WHOM,
AS FAR AS I CAN SEE, ARE CATS--
YOU DON'T NEED KIDS TO CARE
ABOUT YOUR FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS.
AS FOR THE CLAIM THAT WOMEN WHO
DON'T HAVE CHILDREN ARE
"MISERABLE WITH THE CHOICES
THEY'VE MADE," THE ONLY PERSON
I'M PRETTY SURE IS MISERABLE
WITH A CHOICE THEY'VE MADE RIGHT
NOW IS DONALD TRUMP, AFTER
RON DESANTIS" HERE AS A RUNNING
MATE.
J.D. VANCE SUCKS SO MUCH THAT IT
SAYS SOMETHING THAT, FOR A FEW
DAYS THIS WEEK, THE INTERNET RAN
WILD WITH A JOKE TWEET THAT HE
WAS "THE FIRST VP PICK TO HAVE
ADMITTED IN A NY TIMES
BESTSELLER TO FUCKING AN
INSIDE-OUT LATEX GLOVE SHOVED
BETWEEN TWO COUCH CUSHIONS,"
WITH A CITATION TO A PAGE NUMBER
FROM HIS MEMOIR.
LET ME BE CLEAR.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
IT'S NOT IN HIS BOOK.
BUT I THINK THE REASON IT SPREAD
SO FAST MIGHT BE THAT, A, NOBODY
READ THAT FUCKING BOOK, AND B,
IT WAS INCREDIBLY EASY TO
BELIEVE.
BECAUSE IF YOU ASKED ME TO DRAW
A MAN THAT FUCKS HIS COUCH, TEN
TIMES OUT OF TEN, I'M DRAWING
THIS GUY.
IF YOU ASKED ME TO PLAY TWO
TRUTHS AND A LIE WITH THIS MAN,
BEFORE HE EVEN OPENED HIS MOUTH,
I'D SHOUT "THE TRUTH IS HE FUCKS
HIS COUCH."
BECAUSE I'VE NEVER SEEN SOMEONE
WITH MORE "COUCH FUCKER" ENERGY.
HE LOOKS LIKE HE WATCHED THE TOM
CRUISE OPRAH INTERVIEW AND WAS
JEALOUS OF TOM'S SHOES.
IF YOU TOLD ME HIS FIRST
CELEBRITY CRUSH WAS THE PLASTIC
SOFA FROM "EVERYBODY LOVES
RAYMOND," I'D BELIEVE YOU
WITHOUT QUESTION.
IF YOU TOLD ME THE REASON YOU
FIND COINS IN BETWEEN COUCH
CUSHIONS IS BECAUSE J.D. VANCE
ALWAYS LEAVES A TIP, I'D BE
LIKE, "YEAH, THAT SOUNDS RIGHT."
THAT RUMOR WAS SO WIDESPREAD, IT
YIELDED THE ACTUAL NORWEGIAN
HEADLINE, "HADDE IKKE SEX MED
SOFA."
WHICH LOOKS LIKE A SIGN THEY HAD
TO PUT UP IN OSLO'S IKEA AFTER
J.D. VISITED TOO MUCH.
IT EVEN GOT TO THE POINT THAT
THE AP FELT THE NEED TO PUBLISH
A FACT-CHECK HEADLINED "NO,
J.D. VANCE DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH
A COUCH," ONLY TO THEN TAKE IT
DOWN, WITH THE LINK LEADING TO
"PAGE UNAVAILABLE."
WHICH SOMEHOW MADE THIS EVEN
FUNNIER.
THE AP LATER EXPLAINED ITS
DECISION TO PULL THE PIECE BY
SAYING THE "STORY DID NOT GO
THROUGH THEIR STANDARD EDITING
PROCESS."
AND NO SHIT IT DIDN'T, BECAUSE
THERE'S AN OBVIOUS PROBLEM WITH
THAT ORIGINAL HEADLINE.
AND THE REASON I KNOW THAT IS,
WE CARE A LOT ABOUT FACTS AND
PRECISE PHRASING ON THIS SHOW,
YOU "CAN'T"
SAY JD VANCE DIDN'T HAVE SEX
WITH A COUCH, DEFINITIVELY.
YOU CAN SAY HE DIDN'T WRITE
ABOUT DOING THAT IN HIS BOOK,
BECAUSE THAT'S PROVABLE.
BUT THAT'S NOT THE SAME AS
ASSERTING HE NEVER FUCKED A
COUCH.
ESPECIALLY BECAUSE HE HASN'T
OFFICIALLY DENIED IT.
BUT WE WANTED TO GIVE HIM THE
OPPORTUNITY TO DO THAT, SO WE
CONTACTED THE VANCE CAMPAIGN
THIS WEEK, CALLING ONE OF THEIR
SPOKESPEOPLE.
AND WHEN WE ASKED-- AND I QUOTE
"HAS SENATOR VANCE EVER HAD
SEX WITH A COUCH?"
THEY-- AND THIS IS TRUE-- HUNG
UP ON US.
WHICH IS-- AND THIS IS CRUCIAL
NOT A "NO."
IS IT?
WE THEN FOLLOWED UP BY BOTH
TEXTING AND EMAILING THE SAME
QUESTION AGAIN, AS WELL AS
ASKING IF HE'D HAD SEX WITH ANY
OTHER FURNITURE OR HOUSEHOLD
ITEMS.
BUT AS OF TAPING, WE SADLY
HAVEN'T HEARD BACK.
AND LOOK, WHO KNOWS WHERE THIS
IS GOING?
THE NEWS IS MOVING SO FAST RIGHT
NOW.
THE RNC WAS ONLY LAST WEEK.
IT WAS ONLY TWO WEEKS AGO THAT
TRUMP WAS SHOT.
AND THERE ARE SO MANY VARIABLES
BETWEEN HERE AND NOVEMBER.
WE DON'T KNOW WHO KAMALA'S VP
PICK WILL BE, WE DON'T KNOW
WHICH CANDIDATE WILL MAINTAIN
MOMENTUM.
THIS RACE IS IMPOSSIBLE TO
PREDICT, BUT THERE ARE TWO
ONE,
JAKE TAPPER IS NOT BRAT, AND--
UNTIL HE TELLS US OTHERWISE--
I'M GOING TO ASSUME THAT
J.D. VANCE FUCKED A COUCH.
AND NOW, THIS.
AND NOW,
FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON, SOME
OLD FURNISHING ADS.
EVEN STANDARD BACK PILLOWS
LIKE THIS ONE CAN BE UTILIZED IN
A DEEP CONFIGURATION.
IF YOU JUST KIND OF SQUISH THEM
IN.
THEY LOOK GREAT, THEY LOOK
COMFY, THEY LOOK SQUISHY AND IF
THAT'S GOOD WITH THEO, IT'S GOOD
WITH US.
MAYBE IT HAPPENS TO BE
DOWNSTAIRS IN THE MAN CAVE,
WHERE IT HAPPENS TO BE IT'S NOT
ONLY GOING TO LOOK GOOD, FEEL
AMAZING.
I CANNOT STOP TOUCHING THIS,
IT'S SO SOFT.
100% POLYESTER, I FIND IT SO
SOFT WHEN I'M TOUCHING THIS.
IF YOU WHERE TO GET A SPILL OR
ANYTHING LIKE IT, YOU JUST CLOTH
CLEAN IT.
ZIP THIS THING OFF TO REVEAL
YOUR NAKED SACK UNDERNEATH WHICH
IS BUILT TO THE HILT.
NAKED KHAKI SAC IS BUILT TO LAST
BECAUSE IT COMES IN THIS GRAY TO
TWILL WHICH CAN WITHSTAND ANY
AMOUNT OF USE POSSIBLE.
I GO IN AND OUT, IN AND OUT,
AND ANNOUNCED.
YOU CAN CARRY YOUR SAC AROUND
AROUND.
SNAP IN YOUR SODA SACK DRINK
HOLDER.
OH, YEAH.
MOVING ON.
FOR OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT, I'D
LIKE TO TALK ABOUT ISRAEL.
A SENTENCE RATED NUMBER ONE BY
"WAYS TO INSTANTLY RUIN
THANKSGIVING DINNER WITH YOUR
FAMILY MAGAZINE."
FOR MONTHS NOW, GLOBAL OUTRAGE,
NEWS REPORTS, AND WHATEVER IT IS
WE DO HERE ON "SCHOOL PLUS CAKE
BEAR ASS EATING WITH JOHN
OLIVER," HAS BEEN FOCUSED ON
ISRAEL'S WAR IN GAZA, WHICH HAS
KILLED TENS OF THOUSANDS OF
CIVILIANS IN THE WAKE OF HAMAS'S
BRUTAL ATTACKS ON OCTOBER 7.
BUT TONIGHT, WE'RE ACTUALLY
GOING TO TALK ABOUT A DIFFERENT
AREA IN THE REGION, THE WEST
BANK, WHICH IS HOME TO OVER 3
MILLION PALESTINIANS, THE
EASTERN HALF OF JERUSALEM, AS
WELL AS SOME OF THE HOLIEST
SITES FOR CHRISTIANS, JEWS, AND
MUSLIMS.
THE WEST BANK'S BEEN
OVERSHADOWED BY GAZA LATELY, BUT
IT IS, TO PUT IT MILDLY, A
CRITICAL PART OF THE LARGER
STRUGGLE BETWEEN ISRAELIS AND
PALESTINIANS.
EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT PARTICULARLY
FAMILIAR WITH THE HISTORY OF THE
REGION, YOU'RE PROBABLY AWARE
THAT EVERYTHING CONCERNING THE
WEST BANK, AND ISRAEL'S
OCCUPATION OF IT, IS INCREDIBLY
CONTENTIOUS, TO THE POINT THAT
EVEN SMALL DECISIONS CONCERNING
IT CAN CAUSE HEADLINES.
BEN & JERRY'S IS FACING
BACKLASH.
THE MORTON WILLIAM GROCERY CHAIN
IS PULLING MOST BEN & JERRY'S
PRODUCTS FROM STORE SHELVES AND
MOVING WHAT'S LEFT TO THE BOTTOM
OF THE FREEZER AFTER THE ICE
CREAM MAKER ANNOUNCED IT WILL
STOP SELLING ICE CREAM IN
OCCUPIED PALESTINIAN
TERRITORIES.
BEN & JERRY'S SAYS DOING
BUSINESS IN THOSE AREAS IS
INCONSISTENT WITH ITS VALUES.
CRITICS OF THE MOVE SAYS IT DOES
NOT MOVE THE PEACE PROCESS
FORWARD.
YEAH, BEN & JERRY'S WAS
ACCUSED OF FAILING TO MOVE THE
PEACE PROCESS FORWARD-- WHICH,
TO BE FAIR, DOESN'T SEEM LIKE
SOMETHING AN ICE CREAM CAN
REALLY DO.
HOW CAN ICE CREAM SOLVE WORLD
PEACE WHEN IT CAN'T EVEN DO A
DECENT SPONGEBOB?
YOU'D THINK "A YELLOW SQUARE
WITH EYEBALLS" WOULD BE EASY TO
PULL OFF, AND YET THE REVIEWS
ONLINE FOR THOSE SPONGEBOB POPS
ARE JUST A NIGHTMARE AFTER
NIGHTMARE AFTER CERTIFIABLE
NIGHTMARE.
A KEY REASON THINGS SURROUNDING
THE WEST BANK ARE SO TENSE
CONCERNS THE HUNDREDS OF
THOUSANDS OF ISRAELI SETTLERS,
LIVING THERE.
AND WHILE THAT TENSION CAN BE
EXPRESSED AT THE INTERNATIONAL
LEVEL, OR BY PROXY VIA WEIRD
FIGHTS OVER ICE CREAM, IT CAN
ALSO BE COMMUNICATED
FACE-TO-FACE, AS IN THIS VIRAL
VIDEO FROM A FEW YEARS AGO, IN
WHICH A PALESTINIAN WOMAN
CONFRONTS AN ISRAELI SETTLER WHO
WAS LIVING IN THE FAMILY HOME
SHE'D BEEN FORCIBLY EVICTED
FROM.
JACOB, YOU KNOW THIS IS NOT
YOUR HOUSE!
YES, BUT IF I GO, YOU DON'T
GO BACK.
SO, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?
I DIDN'T DO THIS.
YOU ARE STEALING MY HOUSE.
AND IF I DON'T STEAL IT,
SOMEONE ELSE IS GOING TO STEAL
IT.
NO!
NO ONE-- NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO
STEAL IT, JACOB!
YEAH, "NO, JACOB!"
IT IS BOTH RIDICULOUS AND
TRAGIC THAT THAT WOMAN'S ONLY
RECOURSE AGAINST THE MAN
OCCUPYING HER HOME IN FRONT OF
HER IS TO TRY AND DO THE "SWIPER
NO SWIPING" CHANT IN REAL LIFE.
BUT THE OUSTING OF THAT WOMAN
FROM HER HOME IN EAST JERUSALEM
IS JUST A MICROCOSM OF THE
LARGER ISSUE OF PALESTINIAN
DISPLACEMENT AND ISRAELI
SETTLEMENTS IN THE WEST BANK.
AND WHAT'S HAPPENING THERE IS
IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND-- BOTH
BECAUSE IT'S INEXTRICABLY LINKED
TO THE FATE OF ANY POSSIBLE
PEACE PROCESS, AND BECAUSE
THINGS THERE HAVE RECENTLY
GOTTEN EXPONENTIALLY WORSE.
SO GIVEN THAT, TONIGHT, LET'S
TALK ABOUT THE WEST BANK
SETTLEMENTS-- HOW THEY CAME TO
BE, WHO'S LIVING THERE, AND WHAT
THEIR PRESENCE MEANS FOR
EVERYONE IN THE REGION.
AND BEFORE WE GET TO WHERE WE
ARE NOW, LET ME GIVE YOU A
WAY-TOO-QUICK SUMMARY OF HOW WE
GOT TO THIS POINT.
ISRAEL WAS
FOUNDED IN 1948, FULFILLING THE
LONG-HELD HOPES OF THE ZIONIST
MOVEMENT AT A TIME WHEN JEWS
WERE REELING FROM THE COLLECTIVE
TRAUMAS OF PERSECUTION AND
GENOCIDE IN THE HOLOCAUST.
IT WAS ESTABLISHED THROUGH WHAT
ISRAEL CALLS "THE WAR OF
INDEPENDENCE," AND WHAT
PALESTINIANS REFER TO AS
"THE NAKBA," OR CATASTROPHE.
700,000 PALESTINIANS SUFFERED
THEIR OWN COLLECTIVE TRAUMA WHEN
THEY WERE DRIVEN OUT OF THEIR
HOMES, AMID VIOLENCE AND, IN
SOME CASES, MASSACRES OF ENTIRE
VILLAGES.
SOME ENDED UP IN NEIGHBORING
COUNTRIES AS REFUGEES, WHILE
OTHERS SETTLED IN THE PARTS OF
PALESTINE NOW WIDELY KNOWN AS
GAZA AND THE WEST BANK.
FOR DECADES THERE WERE
SIGNIFICANT TENSIONS BETWEEN
ISRAEL AND ITS NEIGHBORS.
AND THEN CAME THE SIX-DAY WAR IN
1967, IN WHICH ISRAEL FOUGHT AND
DEFEATED EGYPT, SYRIA, AND
JORDAN-- AND IN DOING SO,
CAPTURED VASTLY MORE TERRITORY,
INCLUDING THE WEST BANK.
ALMOST IMMEDIATELY, IT STARTED
BUILDING SETTLEMENTS THERE,
WHILE ALSO ANNEXING EAST
JERUSALEM.
BOTH THOSE
ACTIONS CONSTITUTE VIOLATIONS OF
INTERNATIONAL LAW.
WHEN YOU OCCUPY TERRITORY AS AN
OUTCOME OF WAR, YOU ARE NOT
ALLOWED TO EXPEL PEOPLE, OR MOVE
YOUR OWN CITIZENS IN.
AND ISRAEL KNEW THIS AT THE
TIME.
ITS FOREIGN MINISTRY'S OWN LEGAL
ADVISOR WARNED, IN A TOP-SECRET
MEMO, THAT CIVILIAN SETTLEMENTS
WOULD "CONTRAVENE EXPLICIT
PROVISIONS OF THE FOURTH GENEVA
CONVENTION."
BUT THEY KEPT BUILDING
SETTLEMENTS ANYWAY, FOR DECADES.
ALTHOUGH THERE WAS ONE MOMENT IN
THE '90S WHEN IT SEEMED LIKE
THERE MIGHT BE A POSSIBLE
PATHWAY TO A PEACEFUL RESOLUTION
WITH THE OSLO ACCORDS.
THAT HISTORIC PEACE PROCESS SET
UP A NEW FRAMEWORK FOR THE WEST
BANK, DIVIDING IT INTO THREE
DISTINCT AREAS.
AREA A GAVE PALESTINIANS
TOTAL CONTROL OVER SECURITY AND
GOVERNMENT.
AREA B WAS DESIGNATED FOR
PALESTINIAN GOVERNMENT CONTROL,
WHILE RETAINING ISRAELI SECURITY
CONTROL, MEANING THE ISRAELI
MILITARY REMAINS VERY PRESENT
THERE.
AREA C REMAINED COMPLETELY UNDER
THE ISRAELI MILITARY AND
GOVERNMENT CONTROL.
IT'S ABOUT 60% OF THE WEST BANK.
RIGHT, THAT'S WHAT THE
WEST BANK MAP LOOKS LIKE TODAY.
THAT IS ONE OF THE MOST
POLITICALLY FRAUGHT AREAS ON
EARTH, COLOR-CODED IN A WAY THAT
MAKES IT LOOKS LIKE WHAT WOULD
HAPPEN IF SHREK JIZZED INTO A
PUDDLE.
AND IF YOU'RE THINKING, "I DUNNO
IF I CAN QUITE SEE THAT."
HOW ABOUT NOW?
CAN YOU SEE IT NOW?
AND IN A WAY, WILL YOU EVER BE
ABLE TO UNSEE IT?
NOW, CRUCIALLY, THIS WHOLE SETUP
WAS ONLY EVER MEANT TO BE
TEMPORARY WHILE A LARGER PEACE
DEAL WAS HAMMERED OUT.
BUT AFTER OSLO FELL APART, FOR
REASONS INCLUDING, BUT NOT
LIMITED TO, CONTINUED EXPANSION,
TERROR ATTACKS BY
PALESTINIAN MILITANTS, AND
ISRAELI HARD-LINERS
ASSASSINATING THE PRIME MINISTER
WHO'D BROKERED THE DEAL, YITZHAK
RABIN-- THAT TEMPORARY
ARRANGEMENT WAS BASICALLY FROZEN
IN PLACE, AND ISRAEL CONTINUED
BUILDING MORE AND MORE AND MORE
SETTLEMENTS.
IN FACT, EVERY SINGLE ISRAELI
GOVERNMENT HAS INVESTED
SIGNIFICANT RESOURCES IN
EXPANDING THEM.
AND ALL THAT BRINGS US TO WHERE
WE ARE TODAY.
BECAUSE WHILE THERE WERE AROUND
250,000 SETTLERS IN THE WEST
BANK WHEN OSLO WAS SIGNED, THERE
ARE CURRENTLY AROUND 700,000.
AND IT'S WORTH TALKING ABOUT THE
SETTLERS THEMSELVES.
BECAUSE WHEN YOU THINK OF THEM,
YOU MAY ENVISION SOMEONE LIKE
THE BLUNDERING GUY YOU SAW
EARLIER, OR HARDLINERS ON AN
IDEOLOGICAL MISSION TO CLAIM THE
HOLY LAND IN THE NAME OF THE
JEWISH PEOPLE.
BUT THAT'S NOT THE WHOLE
PICTURE.
IN FACT 70% OF THOSE WHO LIVE IN
"QUALITY OF LIFE" SETTLERS.
AND I WILL SAY-- THE WAY THEY
DESCRIBE THEIR COMMUNITIES DOES
MAKE THEM SEEM VERY ATTRACTIVE.
SPEND 10 MINUTES IN A
SETTLEMENT TODAY, AND YOU
SOMETIMES FEEL THAT YOU COULD
JUST AS EASILY BE IN A NEW
JERSEY SUBURB.
CLEAN ROADS, BIG HOUSES, QUALITY
PARKS, GOOD SCHOOLS, CLOSE BY
SHOPPING, A UNIVERSITY.
YOU ASK PEOPLE WHY THEY MOVED
OUT HERE AND INSTEAD OF THE
ORIGINAL MISSION TO PUSH FORWARD
THE ISRAELI STATE, YOU HEAR
THINGS LIKE--
A VERY GOOD EDUCATIONAL
SYSTEM.
VERY NICE COUNTRY CLUB.
WE WANTED TO BE ABLE TO HAVE
A BIGGER PLACE.
IT'S A GREAT PLACE TO RAISE
KIDS.
WE WERE LOOKING FOR A
JERUSALEM SUBURB THAT WE COULD
AFFORD THAT WAS A MANAGEABLE
COMMUTE.
THE QUALITY OF LIFE IS SO
MUCH BETTER.
IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH
POLITICS.
HOLD ON, IT HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH POLITICS?
I'M SORRY, IT VERY MUCH DOES.
JUST BECAUSE IT'S A NICE PLACE
TO LIVE DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY LESS
ILLEGAL UNDER INTERNATIONAL LAW.
IT'S NOT LIKE THE GENEVA
CONVENTION SAYS, "THE OCCUPYING
POWER SHALL NOT TRANSFER PARTS
OF ITS OWN CIVILIAN POPULATION
INTO THE TERRITORY IT
OCCUPIES UNLESS THERE'S, LIKE,
REALLY CONVENIENT SHOPPING AND A
SUPER MANAGEABLE COMMUTE TO
JERUSALEM."
ALSO, PART OF THE REASON
SETTLEMENTS CAN BE SO PLEASANT,
IS BECAUSE THE ISRAELI
GOVERNMENT WANTS PEOPLE TO MOVE
THERE.
LIFE IS MASSIVELY SUBSIDIZED IN
THE SETTLEMENTS, WITH THE
GOVERNMENT SPENDING MORE PER
CAPITA ON THINGS LIKE EDUCATION
AND INFRASTRUCTURE IN THEM THAN
IT DOES WITHIN ISRAEL ITSELF.
IN RECENT YEARS, ISRAEL'S
HOUSING MINISTRY HAS EVEN
OFFERED SUBSIDIZED APARTMENTS IN
THE WEST BANK THROUGH A LOTTERY
SYSTEM.
THE WHOLE SETTLEMENT PROCESS HAS
BEEN ENCOURAGED BY THE
GOVERNMENT THAT IT'S HARD TO
ARGUE THAT LIVING ONE IS NOT A
POLITICAL CHOICE.
THE BUILDING ON STOLEN LAND IS
AN INHERENTLY POLITICAL LAND,
AND IT'S ALSO, TECHNICALLY,
COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT FOR WHAT
IT'S WORTH.
NOW, THE ISRAELI GOVERNMENT WILL
SAY IT DOESN'T OFFICIALLY
SUPPORT ALL SETTLEMENTS.
ITS OFFICIAL LINE IS THAT THERE
ARE TWO KINDS-- SO-CALLED
"LEGAL," APPROVED SETTLEMENTS,
AND "OUTPOSTS," CREATED BY ROGUE
SETTLERS, THAT ARE ILLEGAL UNDER
ISRAELI LAW.
BUT FOR THE RECORD, UNDER
INTERNATIONAL LAW, BOTH OF THEM
ARE ILLEGAL.
AND ALSO, ISRAEL FREQUENTLY
OFFERS ALL MANNER OF RESOURCES
TO THE SO-CALLED "ILLEGAL
OUTPOSTS" TOO, PROVIDING THEM
WITH MILITARY DEFENSE, ACCESS TO
PUBLIC UTILITIES, AND SOMETIMES
EVEN RETROACTIVELY LEGALIZING
THEM.
SO, AS THIS ISRAELI CRITIC OF
THE SETTLEMENTS POINTS OUT, THE
LINE BETWEEN THE TWO TYPES CAN
GET PRETTY BLURRY.
SETTLEMENT AND OUTPOST,
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
WELL, THE-- USUALLY SOMEONE
REFERS TO ISRAELI-- ISRAELI
SETTLEMENTS, WHICH ARE
OFFICIALLY APPROVED BY THE
ISRAELI GOVERNMENT.
AND THE ISRAELI OUTPOST ARE
ISRAELI SETTLEMENTS, WHICH HAD
BEEN BUILT ALSO BY THE ISRAELI
GOVERNMENT, BUT WITHOUT OFFICIAL
APPROVAL.
RIGHT.
SETTLEMENTS AND OUTPOSTS ARE
NOMINALLY DIFFERENT, BUT CAN
LOOK STRIKINGLY SIMILAR.
KIND OF LIKE HELVETICA AND
ARIAL, OR JESSICA CHASTAIN AND
BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD, OR THIS
SOMEONE'S DRAWN A BUNCH OF
PENISES ON.
WE'RE BOTH BASICALLY JUST CHARTS
PLUS DICK JOKES.
BUT SOME SETTLERS WILL INSIST
NONE OF THIS MATTERS BECAUSE
WHAT THEY'RE REALLY DOING IS
BUILDING IN AN AREA THAT NO
ONE'S USING.
I ACTUALLY KNOW FOR SURE THAT
WE CAME HERE, WE DID NOT TAKE
ANYBODY'S LAND BECAUSE I SAW
THAT THERE WAS NOBODY HERE.
NO, IT WAS A-- THE WHOLE-THE
WHOLE-- THIS HILL WAS A HILL.
NOBODY AROUND IT, NOBODY WAS
USING IT, NOBODY WAS IT-- IT
WASN'T BOTHERING ANYBODY.
OKAY, BUT IT DOESN'T
MATTER IF ANYONE WAS USING IT.
IF IT'S NOT YOUR LAND, YOU CAN'T
JUST TAKE IT-- AND I KNOW
THAT'S HARD TO TAKE FROM SOMEONE
USING THIS PARTICULAR ACCENT.
BUT THERE IS A CLEAR DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN PROPERTY THAT NOBODY "IS
USING," AND PROPERTY THAT NOBODY
"OWNS."
IT'S WHY WE CALL THOSE BIG
THINGS OUTSIDE OF STORES
"PARKING LOTS," AND NOT
"HELP-YOURSELF CAR BUFFETS."
BUT WHILE THAT ARGUMENT'S
CLEARLY RIDICULOUS, IT ALSO
SPEAKS TO ISRAEL'S LARGER
STRATEGY IN THE REGION.
BECAUSE ONE OF THE OFFICIAL
MEANS BY WHICH ISRAEL TAKES LAND
THERE IS BY CLAIMING THAT IF
LAND HASN'T BEEN CULTIVATED
WITHIN THE PRIOR THREE YEARS, IT
CAN BE DECLARED AS STATE LAND.
AND SOME OF ITS TACTICS SEEM
DESIGNED TO ENSURE A LACK OF
CULTIVATION, AS SETTLERS HAVE
DRIVEN PALESTINIANS OFF THEIR
LAND THROUGH VIOLENCE OR
INTIMIDATION.
ALSO, IT CAN BE HARD FOR
PALESTINIANS IN THE WEST BANK TO
BUILD OR CULTIVATE IN THE FIRST
PLACE, DUE TO THE OPAQUE PERMIT
PROCESS THERE, AS THIS MAN
PATIENTLY EXPLAINS.
ISRAELIS, I'VE HEARD, WOULD
SAY, WELL, THE LAND IS UNUSED
ANYWAYS.
IT'S ON THE TOP OF THE HILLS.
YEAH, THAT'S--
THAT'S A GOOD, GOOD EXCUSE.
BUT WHY IT'S UNUSED?
BECAUSE WE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO
USE IT.
YEAH, AND HE'S NOT
EXAGGERATING.
ISRAEL CONTROLS BUILDING PERMITS
IN THE WEST BANK, AND BY ITS OWN
ADMISSION, IT REJECTS OVER 95%
OF PALESTINIAN PERMIT REQUESTS.
SO IT'S NOT THAT PALESTINIANS
DON'T WANT TO USE THE LAND--
IT'S THAT THEY'RE NOT ALLOWED
TO, WHICH IS DIFFERENT, IN THE
SAME WAY THAT IT'S NOT THAT J.D.
VANCE DOESN'T WANT TO HELP YOU
MOVE, IT'S JUST THAT HE'S NOT
ALLOWED WITHIN 50 FEET OF A
THREE-PIECE SECTIONAL.
IT'S NOT HIS CHOICE AT THE END
OF THE DAY.
AND WHAT THIS MEANS IS THAT,
EVEN AS ISRAEL HAS BEEN HEAVILY
INCENTIVIZING CONSTRUCTION FOR
ISRAELIS IN THE WEST BANK, WHEN
IT COMES TO PALESTINIAN HOMES,
THIS IS WHAT'S BEEN HAPPENING
FOR YEARS.
AUTHORITIES HAVE ORDERED
HUNDREDS OF PALESTINIAN HOMES TO
BE DEMOLISHED BECAUSE THEY WERE
BUILT WITHOUT THE PROPER
PERMITS, WHICH ARE ALMOST
IMPOSSIBLE FOR PALESTINIANS TO
GET.
THEY COST THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS,
CAN TAKE YEARS TO PROCESS, AND
RARELY GET APPROVED, WHICH MEANS
PALESTINIANS OFTEN END UP
BUILDING ILLEGALLY.
YEAH, OF COURSE.
AND THAT'S SHOCKING EVEN BEFORE
YOU GET TO THE BRAIN-SEARING
HYPOCRISY OF PALESTINIANS IN THE
WEST BANK BEING TOLD THAT
"THEIR" HOMES ARE ILLEGAL.
IT'S LIKE GETTING CALLED A HOT
MESS BY THE FUCKING HINDENBERG.
HEY!
I'M NOT TAKING THAT FROM YOU,
YOU GASSY BITCH.
BUT BUILDING PERMITS ARE JUST
THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG.
THERE'S ALSO THE PHYSICAL
OBSTACLES PLACED IN THE PATH OF
PALESTINIANS' EVERYDAY LIFE,
FROM THIS MASSIVE, WINDING
SEPARATION WALL TO THE ENDLESS
MAZE OF CHECKPOINTS AND GATES
PALESTINIANS ARE FORCED TO PASS
THROUGH-- WHICH, AS THIS MAN
POINTS OUT, CAN HAVE EXTREME
CONSEQUENCES.
YOU CAN'T COME TO MY HOUSE.
YOU KNOW, THE CHECKPOINT, THEY
CLOSE IT ON THE NIGHT.
IT'S ONLY SUNDAY, TUESDAY, AND
THURSDAY, ONE HOUR IN THE
MORNING AND ONE HOUR IN THE
EVENING, WE'RE ALLOWED TO PASS
THE CHECKPOINT.
NO VISITORS, NO AMBULANCES, NO
KINDERGARTENS, NO SCHOOLS, NO
JOBS.
IF THERE'S AN EMERGENCY, WHAT
DO YOU DO?
NOTHING.
DIE.
HOLY SHIT.
LOOK, IN SOME SITUATIONS, ALL
YOU CAN DO IS JUST SIT THERE AND
WAIT TO DIE-- LIKE IF YOU'RE
STRANDED ON A DESERT ISLAND, OR
TRAVELING ON A BOEING AIRPLANE.
BUT DEATH SHOULDN'T BE AN
INEVITABLE OUTCOME JUST BECAUSE
YOU HAPPEN TO LIVE BEHIND AN
ISRAELI CHECKPOINT.
THESE CHECKPOINTS ARE A
NIGHTMARE.
PALESTINIAN WOMEN TRYING TO GET
TO HOSPITAL TO GIVE BIRTH HAVE
BEEN DELAYED AT THEM SO MANY
TIMES, THERE'VE BEEN DOZENS OF
DOCUMENTED ROADSIDE BIRTHS, AS
WELL AS CASES OF MATERNAL AND
INFANT DEATHS.
AND THESE DELAYS AND
INCONVENIENCES CAN BE
DELIBERATE, AS SETTLEMENTS ARE
SOMETIMES STRATEGICALLY PLACED
TO CUT PALESTINIAN COMMUNITIES
OFF FROM ONE ANOTHER.
ONE OUTPOST PLACED IN A
COMMERCIAL HUB OPENLY DECLARES
ON ITS FACEBOOK PAGE THAT THE
INTENT OF ITS LOCATION IS TO
"DISRUPT CONTIGUITY BETWEEN"
THREE PALESTINIAN VILLAGES.
AND THE WAY CERTAIN PALESTINIANS
ARE FENCED IN CAN GET TRULY
ABSURD.
GATEEB'S HOME SITS ON HIS
ANCESTRAL LAND, SURROUNDED BY
THIS IMPOSING METAL FENCE, A
HOUSE WITHIN A CAGE ENCIRCLED BY
ISRAELI SETTLEMENTS.
HIS 11-YEAR-OLD SON, SABRI,
WAS DETAINED FOR SIX HOURS WHEN
HIS FOOTBALL ROLLED NEAR THE
SETTLEMENTS.
SABRI JUST GRINS WITH YOUTHFUL
BRAVADO, CLAIMING HE WASN'T
SCARED.
DID YOU GET SCARED?
BUT I WAS.
HIS SISTER PIPES UP.
YEAH, I BET SHE WAS!
AND EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT IS
BONKERS-- FROM THE IDEA OF
LIVING IN A HOUSE ALMOST
COMPLETELY SURROUNDED BY A
MILITARY FENCE, TO A CHILDHOOD
THAT INCLUDES THE POSSIBILITY
THAT A STRAY FOOTBALL COULD LAND
YOU IN DETENTION FOR SIX HOURS.
AND WHAT ON EARTH IS THE POINT
OF DETAINING AN 11-YEAR-OLD
FOR SIX HOURS?
WHAT'S AN INTERROGATION GOING TO
YIELD?
AN ANSWER TO WHAT ROBLOX IS OR
ARE?
BECAUSE BELIEVE ME, THAT'S ALL
THEY FUCKING TALK ABOUT.
AND THERE'S GOOD REASON FOR THAT
GIRL TO BE SCARED-- BECAUSE THE
LEGAL RIGHTS OF PALESTINIANS IN
THE WEST BANK ARE TENUOUS, AT
BEST.
THERE ARE ACTUALLY TWO SETS OF
LAWS THERE.
JEWISH SETTLERS ENJOY ACCESS TO
CIVILIAN LAW, DUE PROCESS, AND
THE FULL PROTECTION OF CIVIL
RIGHTS.
BUT PALESTINIANS LIVE UNDER
ISRAELI MILITARY LAW.
SO IF THEY'RE ACCUSED OF A
CRIME, THEY'RE TRIED IN MILITARY
COURTS, WHICH HAVE-- TO PUT IT
MILDLY-- SIGNIFICANTLY FEWER
PROTECTIONS, AND BOAST A ROUGHLY
99% CONVICTION RATE.
AND THAT CLEARLY SEPARATE AND
UNEQUAL TWO-TIER JUSTICE SYSTEM
MEANS PALESTINIANS ALSO HAVE
LITTLE RECOURSE WHEN THEY'RE THE
VICTIMS OF A CRIME.
BECAUSE, DESPITE BOTH ISRAELI
AND INTERNATIONAL LAW SAYING
ISRAELI SOLDIERS HAVE AN
OBLIGATION TO PROTECT
PALESTINIAN RESIDENTS OF THE
WEST BANK, IN PRACTICE, WHEN IT
COMES TO ATTACKS BY SETTLERS ON
PALESTINIANS, THERE'S BEEN A
HISTORY OF SILENCE, AVOIDANCE
AND ABETMENT BY ISRAELI
OFFICIALS.
IN FACT, WHEN AN ISRAELI HUMAN
RIGHTS GROUP LOOKED AT MORE THAN
1600 CASES OF SETTLER VIOLENCE,
IT FOUND THAT JUST 3% RESULTED
IN A CONVICTION.
I'M NOT A LAWYER, OR A
STATISTICIAN, DESPITE LOOKING
LIKE WHAT YOU'D GET IF YOU
SMASHED THOSE TWO JOBS TOGETHER
WITH A PARTICLE ACCELERATOR, BUT
EVEN I CAN TELL YOU, 3% IS TOO
LOW.
AND FOR A SENSE OF JUST HOW
EXTREME SETTLEMENTS CAN GET,
TAKE HEBRON, A CITY HOME TO
ABOUT 200,000 PALESTINIANS, AND
700 HARDLINE ISRAELI SETTLERS
WHO'VE CHOSEN TO LIVE LITERALLY
ABOVE THEM.
LIFE IN HEBRON IS FULL OF
CONSTANT REMINDERS ABOUT WHOSE
SAFETY IS PRIORITIZED.
JUST OVER A YEAR AGO, A
REMOTE-CONTROLLED GUN,
REPORTEDLY FOR CROWD DISPERSAL,
WAS INSTALLED ABOVE THIS
CHECKPOINT.
SO, IT'S POINTING TOWARDS THE
PALESTINIAN AREA?
TOWARDS PALESTINIANS.
YES.
PALESTINIAN AUTHORITIES HAVE HAD
TO BUILD AN OVERHEAD FENCE TO
CATCH RUBBISH AND PROJECTILES
THROWN DOWN BY SETTLERS.
SO, THE ISRAELI SETTLERS LIVE UP
HERE?
YEAH, THEY LIVE HERE.
AND THEY THROW EVERYTHING DOWN.
12 SHOPS ARE CLOSED.
THE SETTLERS, THEY ATTACK
PALESTINIANS WITHOUT ANY KIND OF
ACCOUNTABILITY.
HOW DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL TO
SEE THIS?
I FEEL VERY SAD.
FROM THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MARKET,
TO CLOSED SHOPS.
AN OUTPOST.
AND IT-- FOR ME IT ILLUSTRATES
THE ISRAELI-OCCUPATION SYSTEM--
SOMEONE FROM THE SETTLEMENT
ABOVE HAS THROWN A BEER BOTTLE
AT ISSA'S HEAD.
YOU OKAY, ISSA?
ARE YOU OKAY?
I GOT THE BEER, I THINK.
OR MAYBE--
DID IT CUT YOU?
THAT IS TERRIBLE, AND
I'M NOT SURE WHICH PART OF THAT
SITUATION SEEMS LESS LIVEABLE,
SAYING HELLO TO THE BARREL OF A
REMOTE-CONTROLLED TURRET EVERY
DAY, OR THE CONSTANT WEATHER
FORECAST OF "CLOUDY WITH A
CHANCE OF TETANUS."
AND SETTLERS WILL ARGUE THAT
THEY LIVE IN CONSTANT FEAR OF
VIOLENCE.
AND IT'S TRUE THAT, OVER THE
LAST SIXTEEN YEARS, 150 ISRAELIS
HAVE BEEN KILLED BY PALESTINIANS
IN THE WEST BANK.
THOUGH IT'S WORTH NOTING THAT,
IN THAT SAME PERIOD, MORE THAN
TEN TIMES THAT MANY PALESTINIANS
WERE KILLED BY ISRAELIS, THE
VAST MAJORITY DIRECTLY BY
ISRAELI SECURITY FORCES.
BUT MAYBE THE CLEAREST
ILLUSTRATION OF THE IMPUNITY
SOME SETTLERS FEEL IS THE
PRACTICE OF SO-CALLED "PRICE
TAG" ATTACKS ON PALESTINIANS--
WHICH ARE OSTENSIBLY ACTS OF
REVENGE BUT CAN BE UTTERLY
INDISCRIMINATE, AS THIS SETTLER
CALMLY EXPLAINS.
CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHAT THESE
PRICE TAG ATTACKS ARE?
WHAT THEY MEAN?
AFTER ARABS KILLED JEWS,
ANYTHING WRONG THAT HAPPENED, WE
SHOWED THAT WE WON'T STAY IN
QUIET.
IT HAS A PRICE AND IT CALLED
PRICE TAG.
IT COULD JUST BE ANY-- ANY
RANDOM ARAB, DOESN'T MATTER
WHETHER THEY WERE INVOLVED OR
NOT?
NO, IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE
THEY SIT HERE AND BECAUSE THEY
BELIEVE IT THEIRS.
THEY'RE ALL INVOLVED.
AND FOR YOU, THAT'S GUILTY
ENOUGH, JUST-- JUST BEING HERE,
THAT MAKES THEM GUILTY, YEAH.
YEAH, THAT MAKES THEM GUILTY.
WOW.
IT IS A LITTLE JARRING TO HEAR
SOMEONE SAY SOMETHING SO WILDLY
DISTURBING IN SUCH A SEDATE
MANNER.
SHE'S ADVOCATING FOR RANDOM
VIOLENT HATE CRIMES THERE, BUT
DOING IT IN THE ULTRA-RELAXED
TONE OF A YOGA INSTRUCTOR ON
HORSE TRANQUILIZERS.
IT'S A TRULY HORRENDOUS
SITUATION.
AND AS THAT ISRAELI EXPERT YOU
SAW EARLIER POINTS OUT, THERE'S
ACTUALLY A TERM THAT DESCRIBES
ALL THIS.
WHEN THERE ARE TWO GROUPS
THAT LIVE IN THE SAME TERRITORY
AND THEY ARE OFFICIALLY
SEPARATED IN TERMS OF POLITICAL,
ECONOMIC AND LEGAL RIGHTS AND
THE KEY TO THIS SEPARATION IS
COMPLETELY ARBITRARY, WHETHER
YOU WERE BORN TO AN ARAB MOTHER
OR NOT, WHAT WOULD YOU CALL
THAT?
IF IT SMELLS LIKE APARTHEID,
LOOKS LIKE APARTHEID, SOUNDS
LIKE APARTHEID, THEN IT'S
APARTHEID.
HE'S RIGHT, ALTHOUGH
REAL QUICK-- "IF IT SMELLS LIKE
APARTHEID?"
DOES APARTHEID ACTUALLY HAVE A
SMELL?
BECAUSE I'LL BE HONEST, UNTIL
NOW, I WAS PRETTY SURE IT'D ONLY
PRODUCED THE ONE KIND OF MUSK.
BUT HE'S NOT ALONE IN THAT
ASSESSMENT.
A FORMER HEAD OF ISRAEL'S
INTELLIGENCE AGENCY MOSSAD HAS
SAID, IN REFERENCE TO THE WEST
BANK, "THERE IS AN APARTHEID
STATE HERE," AND THIS FORMER
IDF GENERAL HAS CALLED THE
SITUATION "TOTAL APARTHEID,"
ADDING THE IDF IS STANDING BY,
LOOKING AT THE SETTLER RIOTERS
AND IS BEGINNING TO BE A PARTNER
TO WAR CRIMES.
AND AT THIS POINT, WE SHOULD
PROBABLY TALK THE U.S.'S ROLE IN
THIS WHOLE SITUATION.
BECAUSE IT IS CONSIDERABLE.
AMERICA OPPOSES SETTLEMENTS
OFFICIALLY BUT PUDDLES THEM
AS BOTH REPUBLICAN AND
DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTS HAVE
REFERRED TO THEM AS
"ILLEGITIMATE" BUT DECLINED TO
CALL THEM "ILLEGAL"-- TO AVOID
THE POSSIBILITY ISRAEL WOULD
FACE INTERNATIONAL SANCTIONS.
TRUMP WAS INCREDIBLY COZY
BECAUSE OF THE UNKNOWINGLY SMUG
LOOK AND THE ADMINISTRATION NOT
ONLY MOVE THE U.S. EMBASSY TO
JERUSALEM IN 2018, BUT THE NEXT
YEAR IT ALSO DID THIS.
IN A MAJOR CHANGE OF FOREIGN
POLICY, THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION
SAID IT NO LONGER CONSIDERS
JEWISH COMMUNITIES BUILT ON
PALESTINIAN LANDS KNOWN AS
SETTLEMENTS TO BE AGAINST
INTERNATIONAL LAW.
THE ANNOUNCEMENT MADE BY
SECRETARY OF STATE MIKE POMPEO.
CALLING THE ESTABLISHMENT OF
CIVILIAN SETTLEMENTS
INCONSISTENT WITH INTERNATIONAL
LAW HASN'T WORKED.
IT HASN'T ADVANCED THE CAUSE OF
PEACE.
YOU KNOW WHAT, IT
TURNS OUT, MIKE POMPEO AND I
ACTUALLY AGREE ON SOMETHING!
THE STATUS QUO HASN'T WORKED.
I THINK WE MIGHT JUST DISAGREE
ON WHAT TO DO NEXT.
IT'S ONE OF MANY THINGS WE SEEM
DISAGREE ON, ALONG WITH WHAT HE
SHOULD HAVE NAMED HIS BOOK.
BECAUSE IN MY OPINION,
"NEVER GIVE AN INCH" SOUNDS LIKE
THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A
MICRO-PENIS.
BUT MIKE CLEARLY FEELS
DIFFERENTLY.
BUT IT'S NOT JUST GOVERNMENT
SUPPORT.
WEALTHY AMERICAN DONORS HAVE
FUNNELED HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF
DOLLARS INTO SETTLEMENTS.
MANY OF
THE BIGGEST CONTRIBUTORS AREN'T
JEWISH INDIVIDUALS, OR GROUPS--
THEY'RE ACTUALLY EVANGELICAL
CHRISTIANS.
PASTOR JOHN HAS DONE
THIS MAN, PASTOR JOHN HAGEE,
WHO'S DONE FAR MORE THAN YOU
MIGHT EXPECT.
PASTOR HAGEE FOUNDED
CHRISTIANS UNITED FOR ISRAEL, OR
CUFI, WHICH IS THE LARGEST
PRO-ISRAEL LOBBYING ORGANIZATION
IN AMERICA.
EVEN BIGGER THAN AIPAC, THE
ORGANIZATION MOST PEOPLE ASSUME
DOMINATES THE AMERICAN-ISRAEL
LOBBY BECAUSE IT'S THE BIGGEST
JEWISH ONE.
WHAT'S DICEY ABOUT CUFI IS
THAT A GOOD DEAL OF THEIR MONEY
FOR ISRAEL IS SPENT ON BUILDINGS
AND ORGANIZATIONS IN THE ISRAELI
SETTLEMENTS.
GOD GAVE THEM THAT LAND.
THEY OWN THAT LAND.
OKAY, IF YOU TOLD ME TO
PICTURE A MEGACHURCH PASTOR,
THAT'S EXACTLY WHO I'M
IMAGINING.
SLICKED BACK SILVER HAIR,
HEADSET MIC, LOOKING LIKE AN
ELDERLY CHRIS FARLEY IN EASTER
PIMP DRAG.
THAT IS ON-THE-NOSE CASTING
RIGHT THERE.
AND INTERESTINGLY, THE REASON
MANY EVANGELICALS ARE SO
INVESTED IN ISRAEL IS, THEY
BELIEVE JEWISH PEOPLE BEING IN
THAT REGION IS ONE OF THE
PREREQUISITES FOR THEIR VISION
OF ARMAGEDDON.
WHEN THAT DAY COMES, THE
THINKING GOES, CHRISTIANS WILL
BE RAPTURED, AND I'LL LET THIS
MAN FILL YOU IN ON WHAT HE
THINKS HAPPENS TO THE JEWS IN
ISRAEL AFTERWARD.
2,000 YEARS OF BLINDNESS IS
GONNA COME PEELING OFF THE
JEWISH MIND.
AND THOSE OF US THAT HAVE BEEN
UP-- CAUGHT UP IN THE RAPTURE
AND COME WITH JESUS HERE TO--
OH, 'CAUSE THE CHRISTIANS
HAVE BEEN RAPTURED OUT.
ALL WHO ARE BORN AGAIN WILL
HAVE BEEN RAPTURED.
WHEN JESUS COME, WE'LL BE CAUGHT
UP TO MEET HIM IN THE AIR.
YEAH.
AND THEN WE WILL COME WITH
HIM TO THE MOUNT OF OLIVES.
AND SO WE'RE GONNA BE WATCHING
THIS WHOLE PANORAMIC THING
UNFOLD AS THE JEWISH PEOPLE TURN
TO THEIR MESSIAH.
WE'RE GONNA BE CONVERTING PEOPLE
BY THE HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS
DURING THIS TIME.
IT'S GONNA BE THE BEST OF TIMES
AND THE WORST OF TIMES.
YEAH, THAT MAKES SENSE.
APPARENTLY, EVANGELICALS WILL
GROW VICTORIA'S SECRET ANGEL
WINGS, FLAP UP TO JESUS AND SIT
WITH HIM IN HIS LISA FRANK BALL,
AND SMUGLY WATCH AS JEWS REALIZE
HOW WRONG THEY'VE BEEN.
AND LOOK, ON ONE HAND, I GET
WHY SOME IN ISRAEL MIGHT
ENCOURAGE THIS.
THERE'S A CYNICAL UTILITY TO
TAKING IDIOTS' MONEY.
BUT SOMEONE EXPRESSING
ANTICIPATION FOR THE DAY "2000
YEARS OF BLINDNESS COME PEELING
OFF MY MIND" MIGHT MAKE ME WANT
TO KEEP A CERTAIN DISTANCE FROM
THEM.
AND YET, WATCH AS HAGEE, A FEW
YEARS AGO, INTRODUCED A SPECIAL
WOULD YOU PLEASE WELCOME MY
FRIEND AND PRIME MINISTER OF
ISRAEL, BENJAMIN NETANYAHU?
THANK YOU, PASTOR HAGEE.
YOU ARE ALWAYS THERE FOR US.
WE HAVE NO BETTER FRIENDS ON
EARTH THAN YOU.
WOW.
"NO BETTER FRIENDS."
I GUESS THAT MAKES SENSE.
SOME FRIENDS DRIVE YOU TO THE
SUFFERING AS A ONE WAY TICKET TO
BE CHRIST-BLASTED BY A
FLYING RAPTURE JESUS.
FRIENDSHIP TAKES SO MANY FORMS!
AND IN RECENT YEARS, EVERYTHING
I'VE SHOWN YOU HAS ONLY GOTTEN
WORSE.
IN 2022, BENJAMIN NETANYAHU, IN
ORDER TO HOLD ONTO POWER, FORMED
A GOVERNING COALITION BY ALLYING
WITH LEADERS OF FAR-RIGHT
PARTIES, CREATING THE MOST
RIGHT-WING GOVERNMENT IN
ISRAEL'S HISTORY.
HE PUT EXTREMIST POLITICIANS--
SOME OF WHOM ARE SETTLERS
THEMSELVES-- IN MAJOR POSITIONS
OF POWER.
HIS CURRENT FINANCE MINISTER,
BEZALEL SMOTRICH, OPENLY
ADVOCATES FOR ISRAELI ANNEXATION
OF THE WEST BANK.
AND HIS MINISTER OF NATIONAL
SECURITY IS ITMAR BEN-GVIR, WHO
NOT ONLY LIVES IN HEBRON--
YOU KNOW, THE FUN PLACE WITH THE
FLYING BOTTLES AND
REMOTE-CONTROL MACHINE GUNS--
HE'S ALSO BEEN CONVICTED OF
INCITEMENT TO RACISM AND
SUPPORTING A TERRORIST
ORGANIZATION.
ALL THIS WAS A HUGE WIN FOR
HARDLINE SETTLERS.
JUST LISTEN TO THIS ISRAELI
SOLDIER GLOATING TO PALESTINIANS
IN HEBRON ABOUT WHAT BEN-GVIR'S
ASCENT WOULD MEAN.
WOW, "I DECIDE WHAT THE
LAW IS AND YOUR ACTIONS ARE
ILLEGAL."
THAT IS A BOLD FUCKING ATTITUDE.
IT'S THE SORT OF THING AN
AMERICAN COP WOULD ONLY BE
COMFORTABLE TATTOOING ABOVE
THEIR SLEEVE LINE.
SO THINGS WERE ALREADY GETTING
BAD, AND THEN THE APPALLING
ATTACKS OF OCTOBER 7TH HAPPENED.
AND SINCE THEN, THINGS HAVE
GOTTEN CONSIDERABLY WORSE.
ISRAEL IMPOSED EVEN TIGHTER
RESTRICTIONS ON PALESTINIAN
MOVEMENT IN THE WEST BANK, WITH
CHECKPOINTS INCREASINGLY CLOSED,
AND MANY WORK PERMITS CANCELED,
MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR MANY
PALESTINIANS THERE TO MAKE A
LIVING.
MEANWHILE, ATTACKS ON
PALESTINIANS HAVE ONLY SPIKED
FROM WHAT WERE ALREADY HISTORIC
HIGHS, TO THE POINT THAT THE
U.N.'S FOUND AT LEAST 19 ENTIRE
PALESTINIAN COMMUNITIES HAVE
BEEN DISPLACED AS A DIRECT
RESULT OF SETTLER VIOLENCE SINCE
OCTOBER.
AND IN THE MIDST OF ALL THIS,
SMOTRICH ANNOUNCED THE SEIZURE
OF NEARLY 4 SQUARE MILES OF
PALESTINIAN TERRITORY IN THE
WEST BANK, THE SINGLE LARGEST
LAND GRAB SINCE THE OSLO
ACCORDS.
IS IT ANY WONDER THAT ISRAELI
SECURITY CHIEFS HAVE WARNED THAT
THE WEST BANK COULD BE ON THE
BRINK OF A MAJOR ERUPTION OF
VIOLENCE?
AND WHEN YOU TAKE ALL THIS
TOGETHER, YOU BEGIN TO
UNDERSTAND WHY SO MANY ISRAELIS
AND PALESTINIANS HAVE DESPAIRED
OF EVER ACHIEVING A TWO-STATE
SOLUTION.
AND THE THING IS, AS THIS
SETTLER POINTED OUT NEARLY A
DECADE AGO-- FOR MANY OF THEM,
THAT'S BASICALLY BEEN THE
STRATEGY.
YOU CAN BASICALLY KISS THE
TWO-STATE SOLUTION GOODBYE.
IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
WE'RE GOING TO CONTINUE TO MOVE
IN THERE, AND EVENTUALLY, WE ARE
GOING TO HAVE MORE JEWISH
COMMUNITIES THERE, MORE ISRAELI
ELECTRICITY, MORE ISRAELI ROADS,
MORE ISRAELI TAXES.
AND THEN, IN THE END, IT'S JUST
GOING TO BE ISRAEL.
YEAH, RELENTLESS
EXPANSION HAS MADE THE IDEA OF
PEACE TALKS A JOKE.
AND I WHEN I SAY JOKE, I DON'T
MEAN SOMETHING THAT'S "FUNNY HA
HA," I MEAN SOMETHING THAT'S
DEEPLY DEPRESSING.
YOU KNOW, A JOKE IN THE SAME WAY
THIS SHOW IS A COMEDY, WHICH--
AS THIS AUDIENCE THAT WAS
EXCITED TO BE HERE HALF AN HOUR
AGO WILL TELL YOU-- IS
STRETCHING THE TERM TO BREAKING
POINT.
SO WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?
WELL, AT THIS POINT, IT DOES
FEEL PRESUMPTUOUS TO EVEN TALK
ABOUT "A PEACE PROCESS," BECAUSE
WE'RE SO FAR FROM BEING IN A
POSITION TO EVEN START ONE.
THERE'S ACTUALLY A MOMENT THAT I
THINK SUMS THAT UP PRETTY WELL
IT'S THE MAYOR OF RAMALLAH,
TALKING TO A GERMAN DELEGATION A
FEW YEARS AGO.
THEY ASKED HIM IF HE'D BE
WILLING TO TAKE PART IN SOME
SYMBOLIC EXCHANGES WITH HIS
ISRAELI COUNTERPARTS TO SHOW
GOODWILL AND HELP FACILITATE
PEACE-- THE STANDARD "MEET THEM
IN THE MIDDLE" RHETORIC-- AND
THIS IS HIS INCREDIBLY
DIPLOMATIC RESPONSE.
WHEN WE FEEL THAT WE ARE NOT
TREATED AS SLAVES, AND THEY ARE
MASTERS, WE ARE READY TO DO
EVERYTHING.
BUT WHEN I'M-- I HAVE TO TAKE
OFF ALL MY CLOTHES IN FRONT OF
ALL THE PEOPLE BECAUSE A SOLDIER
OF 16-YEARS-OLD IS ASKING ME TO
DO SO UNDER-- UNDER THE THREAT
OF-- OF HIS WEAPON, THEN IT'S
ABOUT DIGNITY.
YEAH?
AND WHEN IT COMES TO DIGNITY, I
THINK IT'S SOMETHING NOT
NEGOTIABLE.
RIGHT?
RIGHT.
HUMAN DIGNITY HAS TO BE A
PREREQUISITE FOR NEGOTIATING
ANYTHING.
AND PALESTINIANS IN THE WEST
BANK HAVE THEIR DIGNITY
CHALLENGED HUNDREDS OF TIMES A
DAY, FROM HAVING BEER BOTTLES
THROWN AT THEIR HEADS, TO BEING
DETAINED FOR KICKING BALLS NEAR
FENCES, TO BEING STOPPED FROM
CROSSING CHECKPOINTS IN
AMBULANCES, TO HAVING THEIR
HOMES STOLEN, BULLDOZED, AND
FAR, FAR WORSE.
DIGNITY IS THE
ABSOLUTE BEGINNING OF THIS.
WHAT'S REQUIRED IS JUSTICE.
AND THE CALL FOR THAT IS GETTING
LOUDER.
JUST LAST WEEK, THE ICJ ISSUED
AN OPINION THAT ISRAEL'S
SETTLEMENTS ARE IN VIOLATION OF
INTERNATIONAL LAW AND ISRAEL
PRESENCE SHOULD COME TO AN END
AS RAPIDLY AS POSSIBLE, AND THAT
ISRAEL HAS AN OBLIGATION TO
PROVIDE FULL REPARATION FOR THE
DAMAGE IT'S CAUSED.
BUT THE U.S. STATE DEPARTMENT
HAS ALREADY UNDERMINED THAT
STATEMENT, SAYING IT'S
"CONCERNED THE BREADTH OF THE
ICJ'S OPINION WILL COMPLICATE
EFFORTS TO RESOLVE THE
CONFLICT."
AND I DUNNO, MAN.
THE CONFLICT IS ALREADY PRETTY
FUCKING COMPLICATED.
IS AN INTERNATIONAL COURT
INTERPRETING ITS OWN LAWS
ACCURATELY REALLY GOING TO MAKE
THINGS ANY WORSE?
LOOK, a PHRASE THAT GETS BROUGHT
UP A LOT WITH REGARD TO ISRAEL
IS "NEVER AGAIN"-- AN
ANTI-GENOCIDE SLOGAN OFTEN
INVOKED IN MEMORY OF THE
HOLOCAUST.
IT'S ALWAYS BEEN OPEN TO TWO
INTERPRETATIONS.
THERE'S THE ONE THAT MEANS "THIS
MUST NEVER AGAIN HAPPEN TO THE
JEWISH PEOPLE," AND THE ONE THAT
MEANS "THIS MUST NEVER AGAIN
HAPPEN TO ANY PEOPLE, ANYWHERE."
AND IN THE WEST BANK-- AS IN
GAZA RIGHT NOW-- IT'S PRETTY
CLEAR WHICH ONE THE ISRAELI
GOVERNMENT HAS FAVORED.
AND ESPECIALLY AS LONG AS
NETANYAHU IS IN POWER, HE IS
CLEARLY GOING TO DO WHAT HE AND
THE WORST PEOPLE AROUND HIM
WANT.
BUT THE U.S. DOESN'T HAVE TO
CONTINUE TO ABET THAT, OR COVER
FOR IT.
AND THE THING IS, WE DO HAVE
LEVERS AT OUR DISPOSAL.
WE COULD PUT CONDITIONS ON THE
BILLIONS IN MILITARY AID WE SEND
TO ISRAEL.
WE COULD STOP VETOING U.N.
SECURITY COUNCIL RESOLUTIONS
CRITICAL OF THE ISRAELI
GOVERNMENT'S ACTIONS-- WHICH
WE'VE BEEN DOING FOR DECADES
NOW.
AND WE COULD SAY WHAT'S PLAIN
THESE
SETTLEMENTS AREN'T JUST
"ILLEGITIMATE" OR EVEN JUST
"ILLEGAL," THEY'RE IMMORAL.
AND NOT ONLY SHOULD WE SAY THAT,
WE SHOULD THEN ACT ACCORDINGLY.
AND I KNOW THE BAR HERE IS
INCREDIBLY LOW, BUT I GUESS AT
THE VERY LEAST, I JUST WANT MY
GOVERNMENT TO HAVE THE MORAL
BACKBONE THAT'S BEEN SHOWN BY
BEN & FUCKING JERRY'S.
PLEASE, JUST TRY NOT TO GET
MORALLY OUTFLANKED BY THE MAKERS
OF IMPRETZIVELY FUDGED.
THAT CANNOT BE TOO MUCH TO ASK.
AND NOW, THIS.
AND NOW,
THE OLYMPICS HAVE MADE EVERYONE
A LITTLE TOO EAGER TO SPEECH SPEAK
FRENCH.
THE OPENING TO PARIS IN THREE
DAYS AWAY, LIVE IN PARIS WITH
ALL THE EXCITEMENT.
BONJOUR.
, BONJOUR!
BONJOUR!
I LIKE IT!
OH, WOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THAT LAST PART OF THAT WAS.
BONJOUR, BONJOUR, BONJOUR.
CHAT IS CATS.
THERE'S GOING TO BE A LOT OF
THAT.
OUI, OUI.
WE'VE GOT TO GET SOME
CROISSANTS THIS MORNING.
I DON'T KNOW, I DIDN'T TAKE
FRENCH.
THAT'S OUR SHOW.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING,
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
BONNE NUIT!