[ROCK MUSIC]
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR JOINING US!
IT'S BEEN A BUSY WEEK!
MEXICO ELECTED ITS FIRST
WOMAN PRESIDENT.
ISRAEL BOMBED A U.N. SCHOOL
SHELTERING DISPLACED
PALESTINIANS, AND A DAY LATER,
BOMBED ANOTHER ONE, AND IN
OHIO, THEIR STATE LEGISLATURE
MET TO CONSIDER A BAN ON PUBLIC
DRAG PERFORMANCES, AT WHICH
ONE LOCAL OFFICIAL DESCRIBED
WHAT HE FELT WERE OBJECTIONABLE
SIGNS AT A LOCAL PRIDE EVENT.
AND I CANNOT RECOMMEND ENOUGH
THAT YOU WATCH THE GUY
BEHIND HIM.
THE SECOND EXAMPLE IS A SIGN
WHICH READ, AND I QUOTE,
"I LOVE VAGINA.
NOM, NOM, NOM, NOM."
ALSO AT THIS EVENT WERE VENDORS
PRESENT WHO WERE SELLING
INAPPROPRIATE ITEMS DEPICTING
MALE GENITALIA,
PLUSH PILLOW PENISES,
AND PENIS-TIP SQUEEZE BALLS."
John: THAT IS EXCELLENT, BOTH
HOW HYSTERICAL THAT GUY IS
AND ALSO HOW UTTERLY SERIOUS
THE OFFICIAL REMAINS.
"WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?
BECAUSE I SAID 'I LOVE VAGINA.
NOM, NOM, NOM, NOM'?
THAT'S FUNNY TO YOU?
ME SAYING 'I LOVE VAGINA.
NOM, NOM, NOM, NOM'?
WELL, YOU KNOW WHEN YOU
WON'T BE LAUGHING?
WHEN A BABY SAYS IT."
BUT WE'RE GOING TO TURN TO
PARIS, ETHICALLY NON-MONOGAMOUS
LONDON, WHICH IS CURRENTLY
GETTING READY TO HOST THE
OLYMPICS NEXT MONTH, MEANING
VENUES ARE GETTING PREPPED
AND THE MASCOTS ARE
GETTING READY TO PROMOTE IT.
AND YOU MIGHT BE WONDERING
"WHAT THE FUCK
ARE THOSE THINGS?"
THEY LOOK LIKE ANIME CLITORISES.
THEY SHOULDN'T BE AT THE
OLYMPICS.
THEY SHOULD BE AT A PRIDE EVENT
IN OHIO HOLDING A SIGN
THAT SAYS "I LOVE VAGINA.
NOM, NOM, NOM, NOM."
BUT THE TRUTH OF WHAT THEY ARE
IS SOMEHOW EVEN STUPIDER.
THE PARIS ORGANIZING
COMMITTEE FOR THE GAMES RECENTLY
UNVEILED THE PHRYGIAN CAP,
ALSO KNOWN AS THE LIBERTY CAP.
THE BRAND DIRECTOR FOR PARIS
2024 SAYS THE PHRYGIAN CAP
IS A SYMBOL FAMILIAR TO
GENERATIONS OF FRENCH PEOPLE.
ORGANIZERS SAID THEY DIDN'T
WANT TO CHOOSE AN ANIMAL OR
OTHER CREATURES BUT SOMETHING
THAT ENCOMPASSED AN IDEAL.
John: YEAH, THEY'RE
ANTHROPOMORPHIZED FRENCH HATS!
AND IT'S BAD ENOUGH TO CHOOSE
A HAT.
BUT THIS ONE, FRANCE?
WHAT ABOUT THE BERET?
THE KEPI?
THE DARTAGNAN?
THE NAPOLEON?
THE WIG?
ANY OF THEM ARE BETTER THAN
THIS PAPA SMURF SHIT.
AND FOR ALL THE TALK OF
"ENCOMPASSING AN IDEAL", A LOT
OF THEIR OLYMPIC PREPARATION HAS
FALLEN WELL SHORT OF THAT,
FROM CLEARING CAMPS OF MIGRANTS
FROM THE CITY TO RELYING ON
UNDOCUMENTED WORKERS
TO CONSTRUCT THE VENUES.
IT IS NO WONDER THERE'VE BEEN
PROTESTS FEATURING BURNING
OLYMPIC RINGS, ESPECIALLY WHEN
YOU CONSIDER THAT, AT A TIME
WHEN SOME IN THE FRENCH
GOVERNMENT ARE ADVOCATING
FOR AUSTERITY MEASURES, THEY'RE
SPENDING BILLIONS TO HOST THESE
GAMES.
AND SOME HAVE ZEROED IN ON ONE
DECISION IN PARTICULAR
AS SYMBOLIC OF THE FOLLY:
THE CHOICE TO HAVE BOTH
THE OPENING CEREMONY AND SOME OF
THE SWIMMING EVENTS TAKE PLACE
IN THE SEINE.
IT'S A CHARMING IDEA, WITH THE
SLIGHT HITCH THAT THE SEINE
IS FUCKING DISGUSTING.
IT'S BEEN POLLUTED FOR LITERALLY
CENTURIES, AS THIS CLIP POINTS
OUT, WITH SOME ODD SPECIFICS.
THE SEINE HAS BEEN SUBJECTED
TO POLLUTION FOR MUCH OF ITS
STORIED HISTORY.
IN THE 16TH CENTURY, BODIES
OF SLAUGHTERED PROTESTANTS
WERE THROWN IN THE WATERWAY.
IT WAS DECLARED BIOLOGICALLY
DEAD IN THE 1960s AND MORE
RECENTLY, INDUSTRIAL WASTE
AND RAW SEWAGE HAS BEEN DUMPED
INTO THE RIVER.
John: YEAH, TO MAKE ANY GOOD
URBAN WATERWAY, YOU REALLY NEED
THREE THINGS: INDUSTRIAL WASTE,
RAW SEWAGE, AND SLAUGHTERED
PROTESTANTS.
YOU MIGHT THINK YOU CAN SKIP
THE PROTESTANTS, BUT EVERYONE
WILL TELL YOU THAT IF YOU DO IT
JUST WON'T TASTE THE SAME.
AND I KNOW THIS IS BESIDES
THE POINT, BUT THIS PAINTING
DOESN'T FEEL SERIOUS ENOUGH
TO BE A DEPICTION OF A RELIGIOUS
MASSARE.
IT SEEMS MORE LIKE A PAGE
FROM "WHERE'S WALDO?"
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
THERE HE IS!
THERE'S WALDO!
HIS CORPSE IS IN THE SEINE!
HE REFUSED TO BELIEVE
IN TRANSUBSTANTIATION!
THE SEINE ACTUALLY ACTS AS AN
OVERFLOW FOR THE CITY'S SEWER
SYSTEM, LEADING IT TO
OCCASIONALLY LOOKING LIKE
THIS, WHICH OBVIOUSLY
ISN'T GREAT.
AND FRANCE WILL SAY IT'S MOUNTED
A $1.5 BILLION CLEANUP PROJECT,
INCLUDING A 13-MILLION GALLON
OVERFLOW TANK, THOUGH THERE ARE
QUESTIONS OF WHETHER THAT'LL
MAKE IT SAFE ENOUGH TO SWIM IN.
BUT BOTH THE MAYOR OF PARIS
AND PRESIDENT MACRON
HAVE INSISTED THAT IT WILL,
MAKING THIS BOLD PROMISE.
YES, I PLAN TO SWIM
IN THE SEINE.
THAT IS CLEAR.
AND I AM PREPARING FOR THIS
MOMENT WHICH WILL BE HISTORIC.
IF THE PRESIDENT WANTS TO COME,
HE WILL OBVIOUSLY WE WELCOMED
TOO.
AND WILL YOU SWIM IN THE
SEINE?
WELL, OF COURSE I'D GO IN!
WHEN?
I WON'T GIVE YOU THE DATE.
John: NOW...
IF I MAY QUOTE ANYONE SWIMMING
IN THE SEINE,
THAT'S CLEARLY A PILE OF SHIT.
BUT ALSO, WHY WOULD HE MAKE
THAT PROMISE?
BEST CASE SCENARIO, WE GET
TRAUMATIZED BY SEEING HIM
IN A SWIMSUIT.
WORST CASE, WE HAVE TO SEE
THE PRESIDENT OF FRANCE
GET TANGLED UP IN PLASTIC
SIX-PACK RINGS LIKE A FUCKING
SEAGULL.
BUT THE MAYOR HAS GIVEN A DATE,
SAYING SHE'LL SWIM IN THE SEINE
ON JUNE 23RD.
AND IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE
FOR HER TO ADVERTISE THAT.
BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING
FRANCE DOES WELL, IT'S PROTESTS.
AND IT SEEMS LIKE A PRETTY
IMAGINATIVE ONE HAS EMERGED.
A COLLECTIVE HAS FORMED!
I SWEAR TO YOU, I WILL SHIT
IN THE SEINE ON JUNE 23!
PEOPLE REALLY ARE GENIUSES!
JOHNNY BAUDELAIRE TWEETED,
"AS OF NOW, I'VE STOPPED TAKING
SHITS.
I'VE BEEN HOLDING IT IN FOR
EXACTLY ONE MONTH, AND ON
JUNE 23, I'LL GO TO PARIS
TO UNLEASH 70 KILOGRAMS OF SHIT
INTO THE SEINE."
#IShitintheSeine.
John: IT'S TRUE.
YEAH, THERE'S A PLAN
FOR A MASS SHITTING IN THE RIVER
ON JUNE 23, IN WHAT'S BEING
CALLED A DEFECATION FLASHMOB,
WHICH IS, I BELIEVE, ALSO THE
COLLECTIVE NOUN FOR A GROUP
OF PIGEONS.
THERE'S EVEN A WEBSITE WHERE YOU
CAN FIND OUT, IF YOU LIVE
UPRIVER FROM PARIS, EXACTLY WHEN
TO SHIT IN THE SEINE TO MAKE
SURE YOUR CONTRIBUTION ARRIVES
THERE ON THE 23RD.
NOW, THE MAYOR, MAYBE IN
RESPONSE IS SAYING SHE'S LIKELY
PUSHING HER SWIM BACK TO
JUNE 30TH.
BUT WHY WOULD YOU GIVE AN EXACT
DATE AGAIN?
THIS IS AN ISSUE ON WHICH,
I GUARANTEE YOU, THE FRENCH
DO GIVE TWO SHITS.
ALL OF THIS IS SUCH A GREAT
ENCAPSULATION OF THE SPIRIT OF
FRANCE, AND THERE'S STILL TIME
TO CHANGE THEIR OLYMPIC MASCOT.
BECAUSE WHAT SYMBOLIZES FRENCH
DEFIANCE MORE THAN A GIANT TURD
SMOKING A CIGARETTE, BATHING IN
THE RIVER, WAITING FOR
A HORRIFIED MAYOR?
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
IF YOU HAVE TO ADD A STUPID HAT
TO THAT?
I WILL ALLOW IT.
AND NOW THIS.
Announcer: AND NOW,
PAT SAJAK ENDURED DECADES OF
TERRIBLE GUESSES.
ANOTHER FEATHER IN YOUR LAP.
NO.
BRIDAL AND GOLD SHOWER.
SORRY.
I'LL SOLVE THE PUZZLE.
I HAVE THE WINE BY JOHNNY CASH.
THAT IS NOT CORRECT, I'M
SORRY.
I'D LIKE TO SOLVE THE PUZZLE.
BOOZING MY SHORE EXCURSION.
NO.
I WOULD LIKE TO SOLVE.
SUPER GOOD SMOOTHIE.
NO!
SO SORRY.
IT'S NOT CORRECT.
RIGHT IN THE BUTT?
NO.
LOLITA.
SCALLOPED POTATO?
SORRY.
THE POINTED DESERT.
THE PRINTED DESERT.
JAMES.
THE POINTED DESERT.
NO, YOU STILL HAVE TIME.
I STILL HAVE TIME?
I'D LIKE TO SOLVE.
THE POINTED DESERT.
IT'S NOT THE POINTED DESERT.
A GROUP OF PILL PUSHERS?
THIS IS "WHEEL OF FORTUNE,"
JOE!
John: MOVING ON.
OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS
THE OCEAN,
THE ONLY PLACE WHERE YOU CAN
PEE IN FULL VIEW OF A FAMILY OF
FOUR WITHOUT IT BEING
A SEX CRIME.
THE OCEAN'S A GIGANTIC PLACE,
ABSOLUTELY CHOCK-FULL OF
WEIRDOS.
THEY ARE SIMPLY OTHERWORLDLY
FLOATING IN THE DARK IN WHAT'S
KNOWN AS THE OXYGEN MINIMUM ZONE
ABOUT 3,000 FEET BELOW
THE SURFACE.
IN THESE DEPTHS, THE RESEARCHERS
HAVE FOUND THIS VAMPIRE SQUID,
RARE BRIGHTLY COLORED JELLYFISH,
AND ALSO THIS BARREL EYE FISH
WITH A TRANSPARENT DOMED HEAD
REVEALING UPWARD-FACING EYES.
IT'S BEEN SEEN BY HUMANS
LESS THAN 10 TIMES.
John: YEAH, TO BE HONEST,
GOOD.
I'M GLAD THAT FISH HASN'T BEEN
SEEN MUCH.
IT'S A BUTTER FACE.
AND I DON'T MEAN THAT IN THE
HORRIBLY OFFENSIVE WAY, I JUST
MEAN IT HAS A BODY I'D LIKE
TO FUCK IF IT WEREN'T FOR
ITS FUGLY FACE.
I'D SAY THAT FISH WAS BEAUTIFUL
ON THE INSIDE BUT WE CAN ALL SEE
IN THERE, AND IT ISN'T.
WHEN YOU SEE CREATURES LIKE
THOSE, YOU BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND
WHY ONE MARINE SCIENTIST HAS
SAID, "IT'S LIKE DR. SEUSS
DOWN THERE," WHICH IS TRUE.
IT'S JUST LIKE HIS FAMOUS BOOK
"ONE FISH, TWO FISH, HOLY SHIT,
IS THAT A SEE-THROUGH FISH?"
THERE'S ALSO WONDERS LIKE
THE FLAPJACK OCTOPUS, WHICH CAN
GET FLAT LIKE A PANCAKE,
THIS TRANSPARENT THING CALLED
A UNICUMBER, A DUMBO OCTOPUS,
NAMED FOR ITS STUPID
LITTLE EARS,
WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS IS,
AND THE CARNIVOROUS HARP
SPONGE.
AND IF YOU'RE THINKING,
"HOLD ON, WHAT ARE THOSE TINY
BALLS ON THE END?"
GOOD QUESTION!
THEY ARE BASICALLY TESTICLES,
MY FRIENDS.
APPARENTLY THE SWOLLEN BALLS
AT THE TIP OF THE SPONGE'S
UPRIGHT BRANCHES
PRODUCE PACKETS OF SPERM.
NATURE IS INCREDIBLE
AND IT IS DISGUSTING.
BUT WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT
A SPECIFIC PART OF THE PACIFIC
OCEAN TONIGHT CALLED THE
CLARION-CLIPPERTON ZONE,
OR THE CCZ.
IT'S IN AN AREA BETWEEN MEXICO
AND HAWAII THAT'S
NEARLY THE SIZE OF EUROPE.
IT'S ALSO THE DEEP OCEAN,
WHERE "WATER TEMPERATURES CAN
REACH 0 DEGREES CELSIUS AND
THERE IS VIRTUALLY NO LIGHT."
AND YET, FOR SUCH A SEEMINGLY
INHOSPITABLE PLACE, THERE'S
STILL AN INCREDIBLE AMOUNT OF
LIFE DOWN THERE, AS THIS
OCEANOGRAPHER WILL TELL YOU.
WHEN WE GO OUT AND COLLECT
A SAMPLE ON THE SEAFLOOR,
WE COLLECT HUNDREDS OF NEW
SPECIES.
THINGS THAT YOU'VE NEVER SEEN
BEFORE?
SURE.
OH, YEAH.
YEAH.
HE TOLD US HE WAS SURPRISED
AT HOW MUCH LIFE COULD SURVIVE
THREE MILES DEEP.
HIS EXPEDITIONS TO THE CCZ HAVE
TURNED UP FANTASTICAL CREATURES
LIKE THIS SQUIDWORM OR A
FLUORESCENT SEA CUCUMBER DUBBED
A "GUMMY SQUIRREL."
John: OH, I LIKE THAT
A LOT.
IN FACT, I LOVE THAT GUMMY
SQUIRREL SO MUCH I WANT TO COVER
IT IN SOUR DUST AND EAT A BAG OF
THEM WHILE WATCHING
NICOLE KIDMAN TALK ABOUT THE
MAGIC OF THE MOVIES.
A STUDY LAST YEAR FOUND THERE
MAY BE MORE THAN 8,000 SPECIES
LIVING IN THE CCZ AND OF THE
5,500 SO FAR DETECTED,
ONLY 438 HAVE BEEN IDENTIFIED.
BUT THIS STORY IS GOING TO BE
LESS ABOUT MARINE LIFE IN THE
DEEP OCEAN AND MORE ABOUT WHAT
ELSE IS DOWN THERE WITH THEM.
SPECIFICALLY, THAT THE OCEAN
FLOOR IS FULL OF DEPOSITS OF
CRITICAL MINERALS.
SOME ARE IN THE CRUSTS OF
UNDERWATER MOUNTAINS OR AROUND
HYDROTHERMAL VENTS
AND SOME-- THE ONES WE'LL BE
FOCUSING ON TONIGHT-- TAKE
THE FORM OF POTATO-SHAPED
NODULES, LITTLE LUMPY SPHERES
FORMED OVER MILLIONS OF YEARS.
BASICALLY, A NUCLEUS, LIKE A BIT
OF BONE OR SAND, SLOWLY ACCRUED
A BUILDUP OF METALS, AT A RATE
OF AROUND A MILLIMETER EVERY
MILLION YEARS OR SO.
THOSE NODULES NOW LINE SOME
PARTS OF THE DEEP OCEAN FLOOR
AND CONTAIN VALUABLE METALS
LIKE NICKEL AND COBALT, WHICH
CAN BE USED FOR THINGS LIKE
BATTERIES FOR ELECTRIC CARS.
SO OBVIOUSLY, PEOPLE ARE VERY
INTERESTED IN GETTING THEIR
HANDS ON THEM.
IT LOOKS LIKE A COBBLED ROAD
WITH ALL THESE LITTLE NODULES
PACKED DENSELY AGAINST ONE
ANOTHER ACROSS THIS ENTIRE AREA.
UNIQUE LITTLE GOLDEN
NUGGETS.
IS THIS THE GOLD OR OIL
OF THE 21ST CENTURY?
I DEFINITELY THINK THAT THESE
BLACK NUGGETS ARE GOING TO BE AN
ESSENTIAL PART OF OUR ABILITY TO
TRANSITION TO WHAT WE WANT TO DO
AT THE END OF THE DAY.
WITHOUT THESE, WE ARE NOT GOING
TO BE ABLE TO ACHIEVE OUR GOALS
AND OBJECTIVES.
John: YEAH, THOSE NODULES
COULD BE INCREDIBLY VALUABLE
EVEN THOUGH, TO BE HONEST,
THEY LOOK MORE LIKE WHAT YOU
BRING TO THE VET WHEN
YOUR POMERANIAN IS SEVERELY
CONSTIPATED.
AND DEEP-SEA MINING COMPANIES
ARE NOW SCRAMBLING TO GET THEIR
HANDS ON WHAT THEY'VE DESCRIBED
AS A BATTERY IN A ROCK.
AND THE HEAD OF ONE COMPANY
LEADING THE CHARGE,
"THE METALS COMPANY", HAS GONE
ON OUTLETS LIKE "60 MINUTES"
TO ARGUE THAT THOSE NODULES
COULD END UP SAVING THE PLANET.
I LOVE THE FACT THAT THEY ARE
THE WAY WE'RE GOING TO GET AWAY
FROM FOSSIL FUELS.
I LOVE THE FACT THAT IN THESE,
ARE ALL THE METALS WE NEED TO GO
AND BUILD THOSE BATTERIES.
I MEAN, IT'S-- IT'S--
IT'S THE MOST AMAZING
COINCIDENCE THAT I'VE EVER
ENCOUNTERED.
MOTHER NATURE
MADE THESE NODULES--
THEY ARE JUST SITTING THERE.
IT'S LIKE, OKAY, YOU GUYS,
YOU'VE MESSED UP PLANET EARTH.
COME AND GET ME.
John: THAT'S AN APPEALING
PITCH.
I, TOO, LIKE THE IDEA OF
A MOTHER NATURE WHO KNOWS WE
FUCKED UP BUT WHO'S GIVING
US ONE LAST CHANCE TO MAKE
THINGS RIGHT, AND IN RETURN, ALL
WE HAVE TO DO IS GO DOWN ON HER.
THAT IS VERY GRACIOUS OF HER.
THAT MAN IS NAMED GERARD BARRON,
AND HE'S AN ACTUAL PERSON,
AND NOT-- AS YOU
MAY'VE THOUGHT--
ChatGPT'S ANSWER TO "MAKE
SEAN PENN THE MOST SEAN PENN."
HE'S POSITIONED HIMSELF AT THE
FOREFRONT OF THIS INDUSTRY,
AND REPORTEDLY ONCE
HIRED A MARKETING FIRM THAT
PORTRAYED HIM AS AN AUSTRALIAN
ELON MUSK.
ALTHOUGH HE DENIES THAT,
INSISTING HE'D NEVER COMPARE
HIMSELF TO MUSK, AS HE CONSIDERS
HIM A ONCE-IN-A-GENERATION
GENIUS, WHICH GIVES YOU SOME
HINT OF WHERE THIS STORY'S ABOUT
TO GO.
BRARON STRESSES
HE'S THE REAL DEAL.
HIS COMPANY SAYS IT'S SECURED
ACCESS TO ENOUGH METAL TO POWER
280 MILLION ELECTRIC VEHICLES,
EQUIVALENT TO THE ENTIRE FLEET
OF CARS IN THE U.S.
AND HE'S PROJECTING THEY COULD
START COMMERCIALLY EXPLOITING
THE DEEP SEA AS EARLY AS 2026.
BUT THE PLACE HE'S PLANNING TO
DO THAT IS THE CCZ, EVEN THOUGH
IT'S ONE OF THE FEW REMAINING
ENVIRONMENTS ON EARTH
THAT'S CLOSE TO PRISTINE.
AND EXTRACTING THOSE NODULES
COULD DO IRREPARABLE DAMAGE.
SO BEFORE WE STAND BACK
AND WATCH THIS GUY'S COMPANY
THROW OPEN THE DOOR TO
COMMERCIAL-SCALE PLUNDER,
IT MIGHT BE WORTH LOOKING AT
WHAT EXACTLY HE'S PROPOSING TO
DO AND WHETHER IT'S ACTUALLY
WORTH DOING AT ALL.
SO TONIGHT, LET'S TALK ABOUT
DEEP SEA MINING.
AND TO HEAR BARRON TELL IT,
MINING THESE NODULES IS REALLY
JUST A SIMPLE MATTER OF SCOOPING
THEM OFF THE FLOOR.
THEY LITERALLY LIE ON THE
OCEAN FLOOR JUST LIKE THIS, LIKE
GOLF BALLS ON A DRIVING RANGE.
SITS ON THE SEAFLOOR LIKE
GOLF BALLS ON A DRIVING RANGE.
WELL, THINK OF IT AS A GOLF
DRIVING RANGE THAT HAS NOT MUCH
GRASS, IT'S JUST GOLF BALLS.
IT'S A LITTLE BIT LIKE
WALKING ONTO THE GOLF DRIVING
RANGE LITTERED WITH BALLS.
John: OH, THEY'RE JUST
GOLF BALLS YOU CAN PICK UP!
THAT SOUNDS EASY UNTIL
YOU REMEMBER THEY'RE 15,000 FEET
UNDER WATER.
THE DIFFICULTY OF PICKING UP
GOLF BALLS REALLY DEPENDS
ON WHERE THEY ARE.
IF THEY'RE ON A DRIVING RANGE,
SURE, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
IF THEY'RE RESTING ON
A GRIZZLY BEAR'S DICK,
THEN YOU KNOW WHAT?
MAYBE TAKE A MULLIGAN.
AND BARRON'S PARTNERS ALSO PAINT
A VERY GENTLE PICTURE OF WHAT
THE EXTRACTION PROCESS WILL LOOK
LIKE, WITH RENDERINGS OF
A COLLECTOR VEHICLE DELICATELY
SUCKING THEM UP LIKE
A VACUUM CLEANER.
BUT THAT MASSIVELY UNDERSELLS
THE DAMAGE THIS COULD DO,
STARTING WITH THE FACT THAT
RESEARCHERS ESTIMATE AT LEAST
30% TO 40% OF SPECIES DOWN THERE
LIVE DIRECTLY ON THE NODULES
THEMSELVES.
BUT THAT'S JUST THE BEGINNING.
BECAUSE WHILE BARRON HAS CALLED
THE FLOOR OF THE CCZ A DESERT
AND LIKES TO TALK ABOUT HOW
LITTLE BIOMASS THERE IS DOWN
THERE, EXPERTS WHO'VE STUDIED
JUST BECAUSE CREATURES ARE SMALL
DOESN'T MEAN THEY ARE IMPORTANT
TO THE ECOSYSTEM AROUND THEM.
EXPERTS HAVE A VERY DIFFERENT
REACTION WHEN HOLDING ONE OF
THESE NODULES.
THIS IS ITS OWN LITTLE
HABITAT.
WE GET MILLIONS OF DIFFERENT
SPECIES LIVING ON THESE NODULES,
EVERYTHING FROM MICROBES, SOME
OF WHICH LIVE NOWHERE ELSE OTHER
THAN ON AND IN THESE NODULES,
ALL THE WAY TO MUCH LARGER
ANIMALS.
AND THAT MEANS THAT IF
THE NODULES WERE TO BE REMOVED,
THEY WOULD CERTAINLY IMPACT
THESE SPECIES AND POTENTIALLY
LEAD TO LONG-LASTING,
IF NOT IRREVERSIBLE IMPACTS
TO THIS ECOSYSTEM.
John: EXACTLY.
IT COULD HAVE IRREVERSIBLE
IMPACTS FOR EVERYTHING FROM
MICROBES TO GUMMY SQUIRRELS.
AND I LITERALLY ONLY JUST
LEARNED THEY EXISTED.
I DON'T WANT THEM TO BE
DESTROYED UNLESS I'M ABSOLUTELY
HOUSING A FAMILY-SIZE BAG
OF THEM.
AND JUST TO BE CLEAR-- IT'S NOT
JUST THE IMPACT OF REMOVING
THE NODULES THEMSELVES.
IT'S THE DAMAGE THE MERE ACT OF
MINING ITSELF WILL DO, BECAUSE
SCIENTISTS WORRY THAT THOSE
GIGANTIC VEHICLES COULD DO MUCH
BROADER HARM.
IT WILL DRIVE AROUND MINING
THE NODULES.
BUT DURING THIS PROCESS, IT WILL
ALSO COLLECT ABOUT 5 TO 30
CENTIMETERS OF SEDIMENT
FROM THE SEAFLOOR.
AND THIS WILL ALL PASS THROUGH
THE VEHICLE.
THE NODULES WILL BE RETAINED,
BUT THE SEDIMENT WILL COME OUT
OF THE BACK OF IT.
AND THAT WILL CREATE A SEDIMENT
PLUME, A BIT LIKE AN UNDERWATER
SANDSTORM.
THE NODULES WILL BE LOADED ONTO
A TRANSPORT SHIP WHICH WILL THEN
TAKE THEM BACK TO LAND FOR
PROCESSING, BUT THE UNWANTED
SEDIMENT AND SEAWATER FROM
THE CLEANING PROCESS WILL BE
RELEASED BACK INTO THE OCEAN.
AND THAT COULD EITHER HAPPEN
CLOSE TO THE SEAFLOOR OR AT MUCH
SHALLOWER DEPTHS CLOSER TO THE
SURFACE.
AND THAT CREATES A SECONDARY
PLUME, BUT THIS TIME LIKELY
CONTAINING FRAGMENTS OF METAL.
John: YEAH, SO IT'S TWO
MASSIVE CLOUDS OF SEDIMENT
AND METAL.
WHICH CAN DO A LOT MORE DAMAGE
THAN YOU MIGHT THINK.
THEY HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO BURY
FIELDS OF THE NODULES, CHOKE THE
FILTERS WITH SPONGES AND OTHER
ENEMIES, EVEN THOSE LIVING
OUTSIDE THE MINING ZONE AND
OBSCURE BIOLUMINESCENCE THAT
SQUID AND FISH USED TO HUNT AND
MATE.
BASICALLY, IT COULD FUCK
EVERYONE'S SHIT UP.
THINK LESS "GENTLY LIFTING
GOLF BALLS OFF THE DRIVING
RANGE," AND MORE A SCENE
FROM "DUNE 3: EVEN MORE SAND."
AND WHILE THE METALS COMPANY
SAYS RESEARCH IT COMMISSIONED
SHOWS THE DAMAGE WILL
BE MINIMAL, VASTLY MORE RESEARCH
IT DIDN'T COMMISSION SUGGESTS
OTHERWISE.
ONE LONG-RUNNING STUDY
SENT EQUIPMENT DOWN TO SIMULATE
THE EXTRACTION OF NODULES
IN 1989 AND RETURNED
PERIODICALLY TO SEE HOW THE
ECOSYSTEM HAD CHANGED.
AND EVEN 26 YEARS LATER,
IT HAD FAILED TO RETURN
TO ITS PREVIOUS STATE.
SO EVEN AFTER AN ENTIRE
KYLIE JENNER, THE ECOSYSTEM
HADN'T RECOVERED.
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW OUR INTEREST
IN THESE CREATURES ISN'T JUST
FOR ETHICAL OR ACADEMIC REASONS.
OCEAN ORGANISMS CAN LEAD TO
RADICAL ADVANCES IN MEDICINE.
IN THE LAST 50 YEARS, SCIENTISTS
HAVE DISCOVERED MORE THAN 10,000
NEW CHEMICAL COMPOUNDS
FROM SPONGES.
IN FACT, A NUMBER OF DRUGS,
FROM THE WORLD'S FIRST
MEDICATION TO TREAT HIV
TO A DRUG FOR BREAST CANCER
TO THE COVID TREATMENT
REMDESIVIR, OWE THEIR ORIGINS
TO SEA SPONGES.
AND MANY MORE, INCLUDING MANY
DERIVED FROM DEEP-SEA CREATURES,
ARE IN THE WORKS.
AND GIVEN THAT THE WHOLE REASON
FOR DOING THIS, AS BARRON
INSISTS, IS TO PROTECT
THE PLANET, IT'S WORTH NOTING
THAT THE OCEAN ACTUALLY ABSORBS
ABOUT A THIRD OF ALL THE CARBON
DIOXIDE WE PRODUCE.
IN FACT, A TYPE OF BACTERIA
FOUND IN THE CCZ A FEW YEARS AGO
WAS FOUND TO BE TAKING UP
LARGE AMOUNTS OF CARBON DIOXIDE
AND COULD BE PLAYING
AN IMPORTANT PART OF
THE DEEP-SEA CARBON CYCLE.
SO YOU WANT TO BE ABSOLUTELY
SURE THAT'S NOT JEOPARDIZED
BY DEEP SEA MINING, AND WE'RE
NOT SURE ABOUT THAT AT ALL.
SO, IF DEEP SEA MINING COULD BE
THIS RISKY, WHAT RULES ARE
IN PLACE TO MITIGATE IT?
WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, IN MOST OF
THE OCEAN, NONE.
AND TO UNDERSTAND WHY, YOU NEED
TO KNOW A LITTLE BIT ABOUT
A TINY U.N. AFFILIATED AGENCY
CALLED THE INTERNATIONAL SEABED
AUTHORITY, OR THE ISA.
BASICALLY, IT'S IN CHARGE OF THE
SEABED IN INTERNATIONAL WATERS
AND OVERSEES AN AREA COVERING
AROUND 54% OF THE TOTAL AREA
OF THE WORLD'S OCEANS.
THE ISA CALLS IT "THE AREA,"
WHICH IS JUST A WILDLY LAZY
PLACEHOLDER NAME, IT'S LIKE
CALLING A MAN WHO'S SUPER
"SUPERMAN" OR CALLING A SHOW
WHERE YOU TALK ABOUT LAST WEEK
THAT NIGHT
"LAST WEEK TONIGHT."
IT'S JUST COMPLETELY DEVOID OF
IMAGINATION.
THE ISA WAS CREATED IN 1982,
AS PART OF THE U.N.'S LAW OF THE
SEA TREATY.
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW WHILE
168 COUNTRIES SIGNED ONTO THAT
TREATY, THE U.S. RECOGNIZED IT
BUT NEVER RATIFIED IT,
PARTLY BECAUSE OF PRESSURE FROM
CONSERVATIVES IN THE U.S.,
LIKE PHYLLIS SCHLAFLY, WHO SPENT
YEARS RANTING ABOUT WHAT THE
TREATY WOULD DO.
IT IS GLOBAL SOCIALISM.
IT IS WORLD GOVERNMENT.
IT IS WORSE
THAN THE UNITED NATIONS.
WE WOULD HAVE ONE VOTE, THE SAME
VOTE AS CUBA, BUT WE WOULDN'T
EVEN HAVE THE VETO.
THIS INTERNATIONAL SEABED
AUTHORITY WOULD HAVE THE POWER
OVER US, NINE-TENTHS OF THE
WORLD'S SURFACE.
IT WOULD HAVE SOVEREIGN CONTROL
OVER ALL THE RICHES AT THE
BOTTOM OF THE OCEANS.
John: YOU KNOW WHAT?
SHE SEEMS FUN.
AND SHE PRETTY MUCH CHECKED
ALL THE BOXES OF A DERANGED
CONSERVATIVE TAKE:
FEARMONGERING ABOUT GLOBAL
SOCIALISM, SHIT-TALKING
THE U.N., AND SHOEHORNING
CUBA IN FOR GOOD MEASURE.
BUT IT WASN'T JUST HER.
REAGAN REFUSED TO SIGN
THE TREATY WHILE HE WAS
PRESIDENT BECAUSE OF HIS
OBJECTIONS TO ITS LIMITS
ON FUTURE SEABED MINING.
AND I KNOW I TALK A LOT ON THIS
SHOW ABOUT THE BAD STUFF
RONALD REAGAN DID, SO TO BALANCE
THAT OUT, I DO WANT TO MENTION
SOMETHING POSITIVE HE DID FOR
THE PLANET.
IN 2004, AND THIS IS TRUE,
HE DIED.
BUT THE TRUTH IS, THE ISA'S
FAR FROM THE ALL-POWERFUL WORLD
GOVERNMENT SCHLAFLY WARNED
ABOUT.
IT'S ACTUALLY STRUGGLED TO AGREE
TO A REGULATORY FRAMEWORK
TO GOVERN DEEP-SEA MINING.
AND ON ONE HAND, THAT MAKES
SENSE.
IT'S A COMPLEX ISSUE,
EXACERBATED BY THE FACT THAT
MORE THAN 80% OF THE WORLD'S
OCEANS REMAIN UNEXPLORED
AND UNMAPPED, AND THERE'S STILL
SO MUCH WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT HOW
MINING COULD AFFECT IT.
BUT MANY OF THE AGENCY'S CRITICS
ARE ALSO CONCERNED THAT IT'S
BEHOLDEN TO MINING INTERESTS,
WITH ONE OF ITS TOP RULE-MAKING
BODIES HAVING MEMBERS WHO ALSO
WORK FOR MINING CONTRACTORS.
NOW, IT HASN'T GIVEN OUT ANY
EXPLOITATION LICENSES TO
ACTUALLY COMMERCIALLY MINE THE
OCEAN FLOOR YET, BUT IT'S GIVEN
OUT DOZENS OF SO-CALLED
EXPLORATORY LICENSES, WHICH ARE
THE FIRST STEP TOWARD DOING
THAT.
AND JUST WATCH AS THIS REPORTER
ASKS THE HEAD OF THE ISA,
MICHAEL LODGE, A PRETTY
REVEALING QUESTION.
THE ISA'S JOB IS TO DECIDE
WHICH PARTS OF THE SEA FLOOR IN
INTERNATIONAL WATERS CAN BE
MINED BY WHICH COUNTRY.
BUT SOME HAVE ASKED WHETHER
IT'S PAYING ENOUGH ATTENTION TO
THE ENVIRONMENTAL CONSEQUENCES.
HAVE YOU EVER, IN THE ISA'S
HISTORY, REJECTED A LICENSE
APPLICATION?
NO.
SO FAR, NO LICENSE APPLICATION
HAS BEEN REJECTED.
John: WOW.
A 0% REJECTION RATE.
IT'S NOT IDEAL THAT A BODY
RESPONSIBLE FOR SOMETHING AS
IMPORTANT AS PROTECTING THE DEEP
SEA HAS LOWER STANDARDS THAN
THE UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX.
SO THAT'S NOT GREAT.
NOR IS IT GREAT THAT LODGE,
WHO, REMEMBER, HEADS THE AGENCY
TASKED WITH REGULATING SEABED,
MINING NOT ONLY APPEARED IN
A PROMO VIDEO FOR BARRON'S
COMPANY BUT HAS SAID,
"I THINK THAT DEEP SEABED MINING
IS AN ESSENTIAL COMPONENT OF THE
GLOBAL VISION FOR A SUSTAINABLE
WORLD."
I'D SAY LODGE IS A CHEERLEADER
FOR MINING INTERESTS, EXCEPT
THAT WHEN RADIO NEW ZEALAND
REFERRED TO HIM AS A CHEERLEADER
FOR MINING INTERESTS, HE
THREATENED A DEFAMATION LAWSUIT.
SO I'LL JUST SAY THIS.
HE'S A CHEERLEADER FOR MINING
INTERESTS.
I'M JUST KIDDING.
BUT HE IS, THOUGH.
HE DEFINITELY IS.
AND LODGE, WHO, BY THE WAY,
ISN'T A SCIENTIST, BUT A LAWYER,
HAS MADE IT CLEAR IN INTERVIEWS
THAT HE'S IRRITATED BY
ENVIRONMENTALISTS WHO WANT CLEAN
ENERGY BUT OPPOSE DEEP SEA
MINING, ARGUING, "TO SAY,
'DON'T HARM THE OCEAN,' IT IS
THE EASIEST MESSAGE IN THE
WORLD, RIGHT?
YOU JUST HAVE TO SHOW A PHOTO
OF A TURTLE WITH A STRAW
IN ITS NOSE."
AND YEAH, NO SHIT, MICHAEL,
BECAUSE THAT'S A DISTURBING
IMAGE.
IF YOU SEE A TURTLE WITH A STRAW
IN ITS NOSE, IT'S EITHER
IN DISTRESS, OR YOU'RE WATCHING
A SPECIAL EPISODE OF
NINJA TURTLES ABOUT DRUG USE.
EVEN THOSE WHO'VE WORKED FOR THE
ISA HAVE RESERVATIONS
ABOUT ITS PRIORITIES.
ONE MARINE GEOLOGIST WHO SERVED
AS ITS TOP ENVIRONMENTAL
OFFICIAL HAS SAID THE ISA IS NOT
FIT TO REGULATE ANY ACTIVITY
IN INTERNATIONAL WATERS.
"IT IS LIKE TO ASK THE WOLF
TO TAKE CARE OF THE SHEEP."
AND I REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE
A FACT CHECKY BITCH ABOUT IT,
BUT THE THING IS,
A SHEEPDOG IS ACTUALLY
A DOMESTICATED WOLF.
SO THE DESCENDANTS OF WOLVES
LITERALLY DO CARE FOR SHEEP
EVERY DAY.
IT'S A HARD JOB, AND THEY DO IT
WELL.
I'M SO SORRY TO CORRECT YOU,
BUT I CAN'T HELP IT.
IT'S WHO I AM AS A PERSON.
AND I DON'T LIKE IT EITHER.
THE THING IS,
RIGHT NOW, BARRON'S METALS
COMPANY SEEMS SET TO USE THE
WEAKNESS OF THAT REGULATORY
AGENCY TO BARREL INTO THE CCZ,
POTENTIALLY SETTING A PRECEDENT
FOR FAR MORE DEEP SEA MINING
THROUGHOUT THE OCEAN.
AND THE WAY THE COMPANY'S DOING
IT IS ACTUALLY PRETTY CLEVER.
BECAUSE THE ISA IS SET UP
IN A WAY THAT'S THEORETICALLY
MEANT TO PROTECT THE INTERESTS
OF SMALL DEVELOPING COUNTRIES.
THE WAY IT WORKS IS, WHEN LARGER
COUNTRIES FIND
"WORTHY LOCATIONS" TO MINE IN,
THEY HAVE TO HAND OVER HALF THAT
TERRITORY TO THE ISA, WHICH THEN
SETS THEM ASIDE AS
RESERVED AREAS FOR LESS
FOR DEVELOPING
COUNTRIES TO START
THEIR OWN PROJECTS.
THOSE COUNTRIES CAN THEN
SPONSOR A MINING COMPANY
TO DEVELOP THAT AREA FOR THEM.
THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENED WITH
BARRON'S COMPANY, WHICH HAS BEEN
SPONSORED BY A FEW TINY PACIFIC
ISLAND NATIONS, AMONG THEM
TONGA AND NAURU, ON WHAT APPEAR
TO BE VERY FAVORABLE TERMS.
ONE TONGAN COMMUNITY LEADER HAS
SAID IT'S ACCEPTING A FEE THAT
AMOUNTS TO LESS THAN HALF OF
1% OF THE FIRM'S TOTAL ESTIMATED
VALUE OF THE MINED MATERIAL.
AND BARRON SEEMS VERY AWARE OF
HOW MUCH LEVERAGE HIS COMPANY
HAS, SAYING, "IF YOU LOOK AT A
NATION LIKE NAURU, AND IF YOU
ASK THEM, 'WELL, WHAT ARE YOUR
OTHER ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT
OPPORTUNITIES?'
THERE'S NOT A LONG LIST."
ALTHOUGH THERE'S A REASON FOR
THAT, AND IT HAS TO DO WITH THE
FACT THAT NAURU HAS BEEN
REPEATEDLY EXPLOITED
BY OUTSIDERS.
IT SPENT YEARS BEING PLUNDERED
FOR ITS MAIN NATURAL RESOURCE,
PHOSPHATE, THE MINING OF WHICH
WAS SO DESTRUCTIVE, NAURU
HAS BEEN CALLED
"THE MOST ENVIRONMENTALLY
RAVAGED NATION ON EARTH."
SINCE THEN, THEY'VE GRASPED
FOR FINANCIAL LIFE LINES,
FROM ALLOWING THEMSELVES TO BE
USED AS A MONEY-LAUNDERING
HAVEN, TO LETTING AUSTRALIA
EFFECTIVELY REMAKE THE ISLAND
INTO ITS OWN DETENTION CENTER,
TO THE FACT IT EVEN GOT TALKED
INTO BECOMING THE CHIEF BACKER
OF A LONDON MUSICAL BASED ON THE
LIFE OF DA VINCI CALLED
"LEONARDO THE MUSICAL:
A PORTRAIT OF LOVE," ABOUT AN
AFFAIR BETWEEN DA VINCE
AND THE MONA LISA, WHICH IS
TODAY "CONSIDERED ONE OF THE
BIGGEST DISASTERS IN THE HISTORY
OF LONDON THEATER."
"IT CLOSED WITHIN A MONTH"
AND THE NAURUAN GOVERNMENT
LOST WHAT WOULD TODAY BE
$7 MILLION.
AND YOU MIGHT THINK, "HOW BAD
COULD THAT MUSICAL BE?"
WELL, HERE'S AN EXTRACT OF
A SONG, SUNG BY LEONARDO'S
MALE LOVER ABOUT HIS JEALOUSY
OF THE MONA LISA.
♪ YOUR LIFE WAS A PORTRAIT ♪
♪ OF LOVE, ♪
♪ AND I WAS A PART ♪
♪ BUT SHE WAS THE HEART ♪
♪ OF YOUR LIFE ♪
John: LOOK.
I'M NO SONDHEIM BUT EVEN I KNOW
A SONG ABOUT THE MONA LISA
THAT USES THE WORD "PORTRAIT"
WHILE SOUNDING LIKE "LES MIS"
ON QUAALUDES HAS GOT
"HISTORIC BOMB"
WRITTEN ALL OVER IT.
AND NOW, NAURU HAS PARTNERED
WITH BARRON'S METALS COMPANY.
AND WHILE HE INSISTS,
"NAURU IS NO ONE'S PUPPET,
I CAN ASSURE YOU,"
THERE'S A CLEAR POWER DISPARITY
BETWEEN AN INTERNATIONAL MINING
FIRM HOPING TO MAKE BILLIONS
OF DOLLARS, AND AN
ENVIRONMENTALLY-RAVAGED ISLAND
WITH A POPULATION OF JUST 12,000
PEOPLE.
AND NAURU'S NOW CLEARING A PATH
FOR THE METALS COMPANY TO START
MINING.
VERY BASICALLY, IT TRIGGERED
A MECHANISM WHEREBY THE ISA
MUST START ACCEPTING DEEP-SEA
MINING APPLICATIONS, EVEN IF
STANDARDS AREN'T SET.
AND LATER THIS SUMMER,
BARRON'S COMPANY PLANS TO SUBMIT
AN APPLICATION TO BE THE FIRST
TO ACTUALLY COMMERCIALLY MINE,
AND HE SEEMS PRETTY CONFIDENT
IT'S GOING TO BE APPROVED,
TELLING INVESTORS HE EXPECTS
TO COMMENCE PRODUCTION AT THE
END OF THE FIRST QUARTER
OF 2026.
AND WITH THE WAY HE'S TALKING,
IT CAN FEEL LIKE DEEP SEA MINING
IS A DONE DEAL.
AND HE SEEMS AWARE OF HOW BAD
THE OPTICS ARE, BUT DOESN'T SEEM
THAT TROUBLED BY IT.
I MEAN, IT IS QUITE SCI-FI,
AND IF THIS WERE A FILM,
YOU KNOW, I'M SORRY TO SAY
YOU'LL PROBABLY BE THE BAD GUY
IN THIS.
YOU'D BE THE ONE THAT'S
EXPLOITING IT, BECAUSE THERE IS
A SORT OF GUT FEELING THAT WE
ARE EXPLOITING SOMETHING THAT WE
SHOULD BE LEAVING ALONE.
DO YOU KIND OF UNDERSTAND THAT?
I THINK IT DEPENDS IF YOU'RE
A GLASS HALF FULL OR A GLASS
HALF EMPTY PERSON.
PERSONALLY, I'M A GLASS HALF
FULL AND I THINK THIS IS THE
SOLUTION TO THE CLIMATE CRISIS.
John: BUT HOW IS THAT
A REASSURING ANSWER?
IF SOMEONE SAYS "YOU REMIND ME
OF THE BAD GUYS FROM MOVIES.
NOT JUST ONE MOVIE, BUT ALL OF
THEM", I'D HOPE AN ACTUAL
GOOD GUY WOULD HAVE A MORE
ROBUST RESPONSE THAN
"OH, I DUNNO, 6 OF ONE,
HALF A DOZEN OF THE OTHER,
I'M AN OPTIMIST!"
BUT IS ALL OF THIS EVEN
WORTH IT?
BARRON WILL SAY THAT IT IS,
ARGUING IT'S BETTER THAN THE
ALTERNATIVE-- MINING ON LAND--
WHICH CAN INDEED DO
INCREDIBLE DAMAGE.
THOUGH IT'S WORTH NOTING:
HISTORY'S SHOWN THAT ONCE WE
START MINING IN A NEW AREA,
WE TEND NOT TO STOP EVERYWHERE
ELSE.
WE JUST END UP DOING BOTH.
BUT SETTING ASIDE THE POTENTIAL
HARM HERE, WHAT'S THE POTENTIAL
BENEFIT?
BECAUSE IF THESE NODULES
REALLY COULD PROVIDE UNLIMITED
ENERGY FOR BILLIONS OF PEOPLE,
I'D SAY MAYBE IT IS WORTH
THINKING ABOUT.
BUT THE TRUTH IS, THEY MAY NOT
BE AS CRITICAL FOR OUR CLEAN
ENERGY FUTURE AS BARRON INSISTS.
BECAUSE WHILE IT'S TRUE THE
METALS INSIDE THEM ARE A KEY
COMPONENT OF BATTERIES NOW,
"LITHIUM-ION BATTERIES ARE FAST
BEING REPLACED BY NEW BATTERY
CHEMISTRIES THAT DON'T REQUIRE
COBALT OR NICKEL."
AND WE'RE EVEN STARTING TO SEE
INNOVATION LIKE THIS:
LITHIUM BATTERIES NEED
PRECIOUS MINERALS LIKE COBALT
AND NICKEL TO WORK, BUT SODIUM
DOESN'T.
IT'S FOUND EVERYWHERE.
IT'S SIMPLY SALT.
THE WORLD'S LARGEST BATTERY
MANUFACTURER, CHINESE CATL,
ALREADY WENT BIG ON SODIUM ION
TECHNOLOGY IN 2021.
JUST TWO YEARS LATER, IT WAS
SUPPLYING CHINESE CARMAKER CHERY
WITH SALT BATTERIES.
John: IT'S TRUE,
THEY'RE STARTING
TO MAKE CAR BATTERIES OUT OF
SALT!
SO MOVE OVER, COCAINE.
YOU'RE NO LONGER THE MOST
VALUABLE WHITE POWDER IN TOWN!
IT'S ALSO WORTH NOTING THAT MANY
TECH AND CAR COMPANIES,
INCLUDING THESE, HAVE ALREADY
PLEDGED NOT TO USE METALS
EXTRACTED FROM DEEP-SEA MINING
UNTIL THEY UNDERSTAND THE
ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT, WHICH,
AS YOU'VE SEEN, COULD BE
SIGNIFICANT.
MEANWHILE, MORE AND MORE
COUNTRIES ARE CALLING FOR
A PRECAUTIONARY PAUSE OR
MORATORIUM ON DEEP SEA MINING.
AND I'D ARGUE THE U.S.
SHOULD JOIN THEM.
ALTHOUGH OUR ARGUMENT WOULD HAVE
A LOT MORE FORCE IF WE FINALLY
RATIFIED THE LAW OF THE SEA
TREATY.
AND I'M FAR FROM THE FIRST
PERSON TO SAY THIS.
LOTS OF ORGANIZATIONS WANT
THE U.S. TO HAVE A SEAT AT THE
TABLE, FROM ENVIRONMENTAL GROUPS
WHO WANT TO USE IT TO PROTECT
THE OCEAN, TO MINING GROUPS WHO
WANT TO USE IT TO DO THE EXACT
OPPOSITE OF THAT.
BUT PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE AGREES
WE SHOULD SIGN IT, TO THE POINT
THAT, IN 2012, THERE WAS A WALL
STREET JOURNAL OP-ED TITLED
"TIME TO JOIN THE LAW OF THE SEA
TREATY," WRITTEN BY FIVE
SECRETARIES OF STATE INCLUDING
HENRY KISSINGER.
MEANING KISSINGER AND I FINALLY
HAVE ONE THING IN COMMON.
WELL, TWO THINGS.
THAT AND OUR SKIN CARE ROUTINE.
I'M ASSUMING, GIVEN THE RESULTS.
BUT THAT REALLY IS IT.
BUT ULTIMATELY, IT'S GOING
TO TAKE US HAVING THE PATIENCE
TO WAIT FOR THE SCIENCE ON THIS,
AND THE DISCIPLINE TO ACTUALLY
LISTEN TO WHAT IT HAS TO SAY.
AND I KNOW THAT'S HARD TO DO.
BECAUSE IT'S SO MUCH EASIER TO
PULL OUT A ROCK AND CALL IT
THE SAVIOR OF HUMANITY.
WATCH, EVEN I CAN DO IT.
MOTHER NATURE MADE THESE
NODULES AND SAID
COME AND GET ME!
SEE?
IT'S EASY, BUT THAT DOESN'T
MAKE IT TRUE.
ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THIS IS
ACTUALLY A CHOCOLATE TRUFFLE.
THE POINT IS: IT'S BEYOND TIME
THAT WE STOP TREATING THE OCEAN
AS SOMETHING TO EXPLOIT, AND
START TREATING IT FOR WHAT IT
REALLY IS: A MIND-BLOWINGLY
VAST, VIRTUALLY UNKNOWN WORLD
WITHIN OUR WORLD.
ONE FILLED WITH BEAUTY,
WONDER, AND OF COURSE,
UNFUCKABLE UGGOS I WOULDN'T
TOUCH WITH AN OCTOPUS DICK.
AND NOW THIS.
Announcer: AND NOW.
PEOPLE ON TV WANT YOU TO KNOW
THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER.
A DONALD DUCK MASCOT MAY SEEM
SILLY AND TRIVIAL BUT IT'S NO
LAUGHING MATTER.
VENERATION OF FEDERAL LAW.
THIS SEAWEED BLOB HEADING
TOWARDS FLORIDA IS NO LAUGHING
MATTER.
LADIES, A 91 OUR IS NO
LAUGHING MATTER.
THIS ISN'T ABOUT SANTA CLAUS
HO HO HO KIND OF RAIN OR.
YOU'VE HEARD OF A BARREL FULL
OF LAUGHS BUT WHAT HAPPENS IF
YOU CAN'T GET OUT OF THE BARREL.
HE IS TRAPPED IN THAT WOODEN
BARREL.
IT MAY SEEM HUMOROUS BUT IT'S
NO LAUGHING MATTER.
THE WATER TOWERS LOSING CLOSE TO
30,000 GALLONS EVERYTHING A DAY.
IT DOES SEEM HUMOROUS.
HEALTH OFFICIAL DRESSING UP
AS A CLOWN FOR A NEWS CONFERENCE
AND ENDED UP BEING NO LAUGHING
MATTER.
AS OF TODAY THERE HAVE BEEN
38,160 CASES OF COVID-19 IN
OREGON WITH 390 NEW CASES BEING
REPORTED TODAY.
SADLY, WE ARE ALSO REPORTING
THREE DEATHS TODAY, BRINGING THE
STATEWIDE TOTAL FOR COVID-19
RELATED DEATHS TO 608.
John: MOVING ON.
BEFORE WE GO, A QUICK UPDATE ON
RED LOBSTER.
LAST WEEK, WE TALKED ABOUT ITS
RECENT BANKRUPTCY FILING, AND
REVEALED THAT WE WON AN AUCTION
FOR THE ENTIRE CONTENTS OF
THIS RED LOBSTER IN KINGSTON,
NEW YORK, WHICH WE THEN REBUILT
IN THIS STUDIO, BUT ONLY SERVING
CHEDDAR BAY BISCUITS.
IT WAS ALL IN GOOD FUN, BUT IT
TURNS OUT, SOMEONE FROM KINGSTON
WASN'T TOO THRILLED ABOUT WHAT
WE DID.
AN ULSTER COUNTY RESTAURANT
OWNER HAS BEEF WITH A POPULAR
HBO SHOW HOST OVER RED LOBSTER.
HE SAYS THAT JOHN OLIVER,
HOST OF "LAST WEEK TONIGHT,"
SNATCHED UP SOME EQUIPMENT
FROM A NOW-CLOSED RED LOBSTER
THAT THE RESTAURANT OWNER
WAS TRYING TO BUY.
John: OKAY, LET ME STOP YOU
THERE.
"POPULAR HBO HOST"?
OH, MY GOD, STOP!
STOP IT!
POPULAR?
COME ON!
STOP!
BUT I'M SORRY.
YOU WERE SAYING?
THE OWNER OF DESING'S BAKERY
AND RESTAURANT TELLS ME THAT
COMEDIAN JOHN OLIVER
ATE HIS LUNCH.
ONCE ERIC DEISING HEARD A NEARBY
RED LOBSTER WAS CLOSING, HE SAW
AN OPPORTUNITY TO UPGRADE HIS
BUSINESS.
HE DROPPED OFF THIS NOTE.
"I NEED A 36-INCH FLAT TOP
OVEN/GRILL AND A COMMERCIAL
KITCHEN CONVECTION OVEN
IF YOU HAVE THEM."
IF THIS RED LOBSTER DID HAVE
THE ITEMS ERIC DEISING WAS
SEEKING, WE KNOW WHERE THEY ARE
NOW.
I WAS LOOKING FOR A PIECE
OF EQUIPMENT.
IF YOU DON'T NEED THAT, BECAUSE
I DON'T THINK YOU NEED IT
FOR BISCUITS, LET ME KNOW.
John: OKAY, FIRST,
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,
IF YOU WANTED EQUIPMENT
FROM THAT RED LOBSTER, LEAVING
A NOTE ON THE DOOR
IS A WEIRD WAY TO GET IT.
THE RESTAURANT CLOSED DOWN.
THAT'S LIKE GOING TO A CEMETERY
AND LEAVING A NOTE ON A
TOMBSTONE THAT SAYS,
HEY, CAN I HAVE YOUR SOCKS?"
THOUGH I LOVE THAT HE'S WATCHING
OUR SHOW THE SAME WAY EVERYONE
ELSE DOES: ON A PHONE
IN THE MIDDLE OF A WORK DAY
WITHOUT EVEN A HINT OF ENJOYMENT
ON HIS FACE.
BUT HE WASN'T THE ONLY ONE
ANNOYED WITH US.
APPARENTLY THAT RED LOBSTER'S
TECHNICALLY JUST OUTSIDE
KINGSTON, IN ULSTER, NEW YORK,
AND A SPOKESPERSON FOR THEIR
TOWN SUPERVISOR TOLD A REPORTER,
"IF HE BOUGHT EVERYTHING
FROM THE KINGSTON LOCATION,
HE HAS NOTHING, BECAUSE THE
RED LOBSTER IS IN THE TOWN OF
ULSTER."
AND LET ME JUST SAY:
I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE.
ALTHOUGH, IN MY DEFENSE, I'M NOT
THE ONLY ONE WHO THOUGHT
THAT RED LOBSTER
WAS IN KINGSTON.
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE DID?
GOOGLE MAPS, YELP, FACEBOOK,
RED LOBSTER'S OWN WEBSITE,
AND EVEN, BY THE WAY,
THE ULSTER COUNTY TOURISM
WEBSITE.
STILL, I DO APOLOGIZE.
I CERTAINLY WOULDN'T WANT
TO TAKE THE GREAT HONOR
OF HAVING A CLOSED-DOWN
RED LOBSTER AWAY FROM YOU.
AND I WILL SAY THE LOCAL NEWS
DID GENEROUSLY POINT OUT THAT
FIGHTS LIKE THIS REALLY ARE
WHAT WE DO BEST HERE.
OLIVER'S KNOWN FOR THIS
KIND OF THING.
FIGHTING WITH SOME ZIP CODE
IN CONNECTICUT.
HE ONCE STARTED A FAKE FIGHT
WITH THE ENTIRE CITY OF DANBURY,
CONNECTICUT, EVENTUALLY LEADING
THE LOCAL SEWAGE PLANT TO BE
NAMED AFTER HIM.
SO WHAT'S GOING TO BE THE
FALLOUT FROM THE RED LOBSTER
SEGMENT?
John: OKAY, FIRST,
THAT WASN'T A "FAKE FIGHT".
THAT WAS THE REALEST FIGHT
OF MY LIFE.
ALSO, I STARTED THAT FIGHT
WITH DANBURY IN THE MIDDLE OF
THE PANDEMIC.
AND IT WAS A VERY WEIRD TIME.
SOME OF US GOT INTO
CROSS-STITCH, SOME GOT INTO
"ANIMAL CROSSING."
AND YES, SOME OF US PICKED
A FIGHT WITH A CONNECTICUT TOWN,
EVENTUALLY SHOWING UP THERE
WEARING THE HAZMAT SUIT
FROM "CONTAGION" TO DEDICATE
A SEWAGE PLANT IN OUR MEMORY.
THOUGH, IT'S WORTH POINTING OUT,
DURING LOCKDOWN I ALSO BOUGHT
A RAT EROTICA PAINTING
FROM 1992, SPONSORED A MARBLE
RACING LEAGUE,
AND SEXUALLY HARASSED
ADAM DRIVER FOR EIGHT
SOLID MONTHS.
SO, FIGHTING WITH DANBURY
MIGHT'VE BEEN THE FOURTH
WEIRDEST THING I DID DURING
THE PANDEMIC.
AND TO BE HONEST, WE WERE GOING
TO IGNORE THIS.
BUT THEN WE TOOK A LOOK
AT ONLINE REVIEWS OF
THAT GUY'S BAKERY, AND HONESTLY,
IT LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.
THEY DO LOTS OF THEMED
BAKED GOODS.
FOR GROUNDHOG DAY, THEY SELL
THESE ADORABLE LITTLE
GROUNDHOG CAKES.
AND FOR ST. PATRICK'S DAY,
THEY MADE THESE MONSTROSITIES,
TO WHICH SOMEONE ON FACEBOOK
ASKED THE UNDERSTANDABLE
QUESTION "WHAT ARE THESE?"
AND I'LL TELL YOU EXACTLY
WHAT THEY ARE.
THAT'S ACTUALLY SAINT PATRICK.
MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THIS,
BUT THIS IS WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE
BACK WHEN HE WAS A MISSIONARY
IN THE 5TH CENTURY.
SO THAT CAKE IS AN EXTREMELY
ACCURATE AND FAITHFUL DEPICTION.
BUT MY FAVORITE REVIEW ON YELP
SAYS, "YOU LIKE BURGERS?
GREAT!
YOU LIKE ONION RING
AND FRENCH FRIES?
GREAT!
YOU LIKE PANCAKES?
GREAT!
YOU LIKE CAKE BEARS?
GREAT!"
ALONG WITH THIS PHOTO
OF A CAKE BEAR.
AND I'M SORRY, BUT I DON'T LIKE
CAKE BEARS.
I FUCKING LOVE CAKE BEARS.
I WANT ONE RIGHT NOW,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GONNA EAT IT ASS FIRST.
WHAT ELSE ARE YOU GONNA DO?
WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA START
FROM THE HEAD LIKE A MONSTER?
HAVE SOME CLASS!
ALSO, RESPECTFULLY, CHECK OUT
THE DONK ON THAT CAKE BEAR.
THAT CAKE'S GOT CAKES.
IT'S DRAGGIN' A WAGON,
AND I WANT TO HOP ON BOARD.
BUT LOOK, DEISING'S BAKERY,
I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS.
THE BAD NEWS IS, WE ACTUALLY
ALREADY DONATED THE RED LOBSTER
KITCHEN EQUIPMENT.
AND EVEN IF WE HADN'T, IT DIDN'T
HAVE THE "36 INCH FLATTOP
OVEN/GRILL OR KITCHEN
CONVECTION OVEN" YOU WERE
LOOKING FOR.
THE GOOD NEWS IS, WE'RE WILLING
TO BUY THOSE ITEMS FOR YOU
ON ONE CONDITION.
ALL I WANT IN RETURN IS A BAKED
GOOD WITH MY FACE ON IT ON SALE
IN YOUR BAKERY.
SPECIFICALLY A CAKE BEAR
WITH MY FACE ON IT.
I WANT TO BE A CAKE BEAR.
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO GIVE ME
AS MUCH ASS AS YOU GAVE THAT
CAKE BEAR.
I MEAN, IT'D BE NICE CONSIDERING
WE'RE LITERALLY BUYING KITCHEN
EQUIPMENT FOR YOU AND IT'S CLEAR
YOU HAVE THE SKILL TO DO IT.
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
I TRUST YOUR VISION.
AS LONG AS IT FITS THE GENERAL
DESCRIPTION OF "JOHN OLIVER CAKE
BEAR," I'LL BE MORE THAN HAPPY.
SO THAT'S MY OFFER.
AND BECAUSE I KNOW THE NORMAL
WAY OF ASKING FOR THINGS ISN'T
REALLY YOUR STYLE, I'VE WRITTEN
THIS OFFER ON A PIECE OF PAPER
LIKE THIS, THAT'S CURRENTLY
TAPED TO THE DOOR OF YOUR
BAKERY.
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?
PLEASE SAY YES!
PLEASE DO SAY YES!
WE'VE ALREADY BOUGHT THE
EQUIPMENT.
IT'S RIGHT HERE WAITING TO BE
DELIVERED TO YOU.
AND JUST LOOK AT THIS CONVECTION
OVEN.
IT'S RARING TO DO SOME
CONVECTING.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SIMPLY
START SELLING JOHN OLIVER CAKE
BEARS, AND ALL OF THIS IS YOURS.
THE BEAR IS IN YOUR COURT,
DIESING'S BAKERY.
THAT IS OUR SHOW!
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING!
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
GOOD NIGHT!
MAKE ME A CAKE BEAR.
I WANT TO BE A CAKE BEAR.