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[ROCK MUSIC]

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♪ ♪

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♪ ♪

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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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John: WELCOME, WELCOME,

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WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"

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I'M JOHN OLIVER.

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THANK YOU SO MUCH

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FOR JOINING US!

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IT'S BEEN A BUSY WEEK!

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MEXICO ELECTED ITS FIRST

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WOMAN PRESIDENT.

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ISRAEL BOMBED A U.N. SCHOOL

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SHELTERING DISPLACED

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PALESTINIANS, AND A DAY LATER,

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BOMBED ANOTHER ONE, AND IN

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OHIO, THEIR STATE LEGISLATURE

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MET TO CONSIDER A BAN ON PUBLIC

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DRAG PERFORMANCES, AT WHICH

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ONE LOCAL OFFICIAL DESCRIBED

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WHAT HE FELT WERE OBJECTIONABLE

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SIGNS AT A LOCAL PRIDE EVENT.

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AND I CANNOT RECOMMEND ENOUGH

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THAT YOU WATCH THE GUY

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BEHIND HIM.

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THE SECOND EXAMPLE IS A SIGN

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WHICH READ, AND I QUOTE,

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"I LOVE VAGINA.

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NOM, NOM, NOM, NOM."

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ALSO AT THIS EVENT WERE VENDORS

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PRESENT WHO WERE SELLING

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INAPPROPRIATE ITEMS DEPICTING

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MALE GENITALIA,

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PLUSH PILLOW PENISES,

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AND PENIS-TIP SQUEEZE BALLS."

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John: THAT IS EXCELLENT, BOTH

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HOW HYSTERICAL THAT GUY IS

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AND ALSO HOW UTTERLY SERIOUS

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THE OFFICIAL REMAINS.

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"WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?

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BECAUSE I SAID 'I LOVE VAGINA.

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NOM, NOM, NOM, NOM'?

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THAT'S FUNNY TO YOU?

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ME SAYING 'I LOVE VAGINA.

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NOM, NOM, NOM, NOM'?

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WELL, YOU KNOW WHEN YOU

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WON'T BE LAUGHING?

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WHEN A BABY SAYS IT."

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BUT WE'RE GOING TO TURN TO

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PARIS, ETHICALLY NON-MONOGAMOUS

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LONDON, WHICH IS CURRENTLY

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GETTING READY TO HOST THE

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OLYMPICS NEXT MONTH, MEANING

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VENUES ARE GETTING PREPPED

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AND THE MASCOTS ARE

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GETTING READY TO PROMOTE IT.

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AND YOU MIGHT BE WONDERING

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"WHAT THE FUCK

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ARE THOSE THINGS?"

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THEY LOOK LIKE ANIME CLITORISES.

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THEY SHOULDN'T BE AT THE

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OLYMPICS.

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THEY SHOULD BE AT A PRIDE EVENT

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IN OHIO HOLDING A SIGN

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THAT SAYS "I LOVE VAGINA.

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NOM, NOM, NOM, NOM."

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BUT THE TRUTH OF WHAT THEY ARE

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IS SOMEHOW EVEN STUPIDER.

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THE PARIS ORGANIZING

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COMMITTEE FOR THE GAMES RECENTLY

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UNVEILED THE PHRYGIAN CAP,

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ALSO KNOWN AS THE LIBERTY CAP.

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THE BRAND DIRECTOR FOR PARIS

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2024 SAYS THE PHRYGIAN CAP

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IS A SYMBOL FAMILIAR TO

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GENERATIONS OF FRENCH PEOPLE.

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ORGANIZERS SAID THEY DIDN'T

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WANT TO CHOOSE AN ANIMAL OR

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OTHER CREATURES BUT SOMETHING

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THAT ENCOMPASSED AN IDEAL.

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John: YEAH, THEY'RE

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ANTHROPOMORPHIZED FRENCH HATS!

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AND IT'S BAD ENOUGH TO CHOOSE

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A HAT.

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BUT THIS ONE, FRANCE?

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WHAT ABOUT THE BERET?

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THE KEPI?

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THE DARTAGNAN?

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THE NAPOLEON?

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THE WIG?

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ANY OF THEM ARE BETTER THAN

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THIS PAPA SMURF SHIT.

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AND FOR ALL THE TALK OF

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"ENCOMPASSING AN IDEAL", A LOT

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OF THEIR OLYMPIC PREPARATION HAS

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FALLEN WELL SHORT OF THAT,

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FROM CLEARING CAMPS OF MIGRANTS

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FROM THE CITY TO RELYING ON

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UNDOCUMENTED WORKERS

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TO CONSTRUCT THE VENUES.

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IT IS NO WONDER THERE'VE BEEN

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PROTESTS FEATURING BURNING

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OLYMPIC RINGS, ESPECIALLY WHEN

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YOU CONSIDER THAT, AT A TIME

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WHEN SOME IN THE FRENCH

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GOVERNMENT ARE ADVOCATING

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FOR AUSTERITY MEASURES, THEY'RE

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SPENDING BILLIONS TO HOST THESE

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GAMES.

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AND SOME HAVE ZEROED IN ON ONE

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DECISION IN PARTICULAR

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AS SYMBOLIC OF THE FOLLY:

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THE CHOICE TO HAVE BOTH

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THE OPENING CEREMONY AND SOME OF

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THE SWIMMING EVENTS TAKE PLACE

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IN THE SEINE.

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IT'S A CHARMING IDEA, WITH THE

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SLIGHT HITCH THAT THE SEINE

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IS FUCKING DISGUSTING.

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IT'S BEEN POLLUTED FOR LITERALLY

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CENTURIES, AS THIS CLIP POINTS

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OUT, WITH SOME ODD SPECIFICS.

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THE SEINE HAS BEEN SUBJECTED

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TO POLLUTION FOR MUCH OF ITS

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STORIED HISTORY.

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IN THE 16TH CENTURY, BODIES

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OF SLAUGHTERED PROTESTANTS

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WERE THROWN IN THE WATERWAY.

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IT WAS DECLARED BIOLOGICALLY

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DEAD IN THE 1960s AND MORE

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RECENTLY, INDUSTRIAL WASTE

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AND RAW SEWAGE HAS BEEN DUMPED

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INTO THE RIVER.

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John: YEAH, TO MAKE ANY GOOD

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URBAN WATERWAY, YOU REALLY NEED

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THREE THINGS: INDUSTRIAL WASTE,

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RAW SEWAGE, AND SLAUGHTERED

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PROTESTANTS.

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YOU MIGHT THINK YOU CAN SKIP

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THE PROTESTANTS, BUT EVERYONE

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WILL TELL YOU THAT IF YOU DO IT

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JUST WON'T TASTE THE SAME.

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AND I KNOW THIS IS BESIDES

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THE POINT, BUT THIS PAINTING

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DOESN'T FEEL SERIOUS ENOUGH

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TO BE A DEPICTION OF A RELIGIOUS

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MASSARE.

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IT SEEMS MORE LIKE A PAGE

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FROM "WHERE'S WALDO?"

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AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

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THERE HE IS!

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THERE'S WALDO!

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HIS CORPSE IS IN THE SEINE!

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HE REFUSED TO BELIEVE

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IN TRANSUBSTANTIATION!

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THE SEINE ACTUALLY ACTS AS AN

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OVERFLOW FOR THE CITY'S SEWER

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SYSTEM, LEADING IT TO

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OCCASIONALLY LOOKING LIKE

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THIS, WHICH OBVIOUSLY

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ISN'T GREAT.

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AND FRANCE WILL SAY IT'S MOUNTED

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A $1.5 BILLION CLEANUP PROJECT,

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INCLUDING A 13-MILLION GALLON

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OVERFLOW TANK, THOUGH THERE ARE

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QUESTIONS OF WHETHER THAT'LL

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MAKE IT SAFE ENOUGH TO SWIM IN.

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BUT BOTH THE MAYOR OF PARIS

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AND PRESIDENT MACRON

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HAVE INSISTED THAT IT WILL,

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MAKING THIS BOLD PROMISE.

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YES, I PLAN TO SWIM

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IN THE SEINE.

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THAT IS CLEAR.

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AND I AM PREPARING FOR THIS

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MOMENT WHICH WILL BE HISTORIC.

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IF THE PRESIDENT WANTS TO COME,

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HE WILL OBVIOUSLY WE WELCOMED

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TOO.

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AND WILL YOU SWIM IN THE

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SEINE?

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WELL, OF COURSE I'D GO IN!

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WHEN?

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I WON'T GIVE YOU THE DATE.

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John: NOW...

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IF I MAY QUOTE ANYONE SWIMMING

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IN THE SEINE,

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THAT'S CLEARLY A PILE OF SHIT.

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BUT ALSO, WHY WOULD HE MAKE

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THAT PROMISE?

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BEST CASE SCENARIO, WE GET

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TRAUMATIZED BY SEEING HIM

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IN A SWIMSUIT.

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WORST CASE, WE HAVE TO SEE

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THE PRESIDENT OF FRANCE

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GET TANGLED UP IN PLASTIC

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SIX-PACK RINGS LIKE A FUCKING

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SEAGULL.

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BUT THE MAYOR HAS GIVEN A DATE,

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SAYING SHE'LL SWIM IN THE SEINE

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ON JUNE 23RD.

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AND IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE

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FOR HER TO ADVERTISE THAT.

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BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING

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FRANCE DOES WELL, IT'S PROTESTS.

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AND IT SEEMS LIKE A PRETTY

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IMAGINATIVE ONE HAS EMERGED.

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A COLLECTIVE HAS FORMED!

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I SWEAR TO YOU, I WILL SHIT

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IN THE SEINE ON JUNE 23!

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PEOPLE REALLY ARE GENIUSES!

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JOHNNY BAUDELAIRE TWEETED,

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"AS OF NOW, I'VE STOPPED TAKING

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SHITS.

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I'VE BEEN HOLDING IT IN FOR

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EXACTLY ONE MONTH, AND ON

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JUNE 23, I'LL GO TO PARIS

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TO UNLEASH 70 KILOGRAMS OF SHIT

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INTO THE SEINE."

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#IShitintheSeine.

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John: IT'S TRUE.

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YEAH, THERE'S A PLAN

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FOR A MASS SHITTING IN THE RIVER

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ON JUNE 23, IN WHAT'S BEING

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CALLED A DEFECATION FLASHMOB,

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WHICH IS, I BELIEVE, ALSO THE

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COLLECTIVE NOUN FOR A GROUP

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OF PIGEONS.

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THERE'S EVEN A WEBSITE WHERE YOU

230
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CAN FIND OUT, IF YOU LIVE

231
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UPRIVER FROM PARIS, EXACTLY WHEN

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TO SHIT IN THE SEINE TO MAKE

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SURE YOUR CONTRIBUTION ARRIVES

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THERE ON THE 23RD.

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NOW, THE MAYOR, MAYBE IN

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RESPONSE IS SAYING SHE'S LIKELY

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PUSHING HER SWIM BACK TO

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JUNE 30TH.

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BUT WHY WOULD YOU GIVE AN EXACT

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DATE AGAIN?

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THIS IS AN ISSUE ON WHICH,

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I GUARANTEE YOU, THE FRENCH

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DO GIVE TWO SHITS.

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ALL OF THIS IS SUCH A GREAT

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ENCAPSULATION OF THE SPIRIT OF

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FRANCE, AND THERE'S STILL TIME

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TO CHANGE THEIR OLYMPIC MASCOT.

248
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BECAUSE WHAT SYMBOLIZES FRENCH

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DEFIANCE MORE THAN A GIANT TURD

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SMOKING A CIGARETTE, BATHING IN

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THE RIVER, WAITING FOR

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A HORRIFIED MAYOR?

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AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

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IF YOU HAVE TO ADD A STUPID HAT

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TO THAT?

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I WILL ALLOW IT.

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AND NOW THIS.

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Announcer: AND NOW,

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PAT SAJAK ENDURED DECADES OF

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TERRIBLE GUESSES.

261
00:06:55,100 --> 00:06:59,900
ANOTHER FEATHER IN YOUR LAP.

262
00:06:59,900 --> 00:07:02,500
NO.

263
00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:06,700
BRIDAL AND GOLD SHOWER.

264
00:07:06,700 --> 00:07:06,966
SORRY.

265
00:07:06,966 --> 00:07:08,433
I'LL SOLVE THE PUZZLE.

266
00:07:08,433 --> 00:07:12,166
I HAVE THE WINE BY JOHNNY CASH.

267
00:07:12,166 --> 00:07:14,200
THAT IS NOT CORRECT, I'M

268
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:14,400
SORRY.

269
00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:18,866
I'D LIKE TO SOLVE THE PUZZLE.

270
00:07:18,866 --> 00:07:19,433
BOOZING MY SHORE EXCURSION.

271
00:07:19,433 --> 00:07:21,000
NO.

272
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:25,100
I WOULD LIKE TO SOLVE.

273
00:07:25,100 --> 00:07:26,100
SUPER GOOD SMOOTHIE.

274
00:07:26,100 --> 00:07:27,100
NO!

275
00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:27,600
SO SORRY.

276
00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:30,066
IT'S NOT CORRECT.

277
00:07:30,066 --> 00:07:36,100
RIGHT IN THE BUTT?

278
00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:37,500
NO.

279
00:07:37,500 --> 00:07:38,100
LOLITA.

280
00:07:38,100 --> 00:07:40,500
SCALLOPED POTATO?

281
00:07:40,500 --> 00:07:40,700
SORRY.

282
00:07:40,700 --> 00:07:42,700
THE POINTED DESERT.

283
00:07:42,700 --> 00:07:46,166
THE PRINTED DESERT.

284
00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:47,133
JAMES.

285
00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:49,033
THE POINTED DESERT.

286
00:07:49,033 --> 00:07:50,733
NO, YOU STILL HAVE TIME.

287
00:07:50,733 --> 00:07:52,900
I STILL HAVE TIME?

288
00:07:52,900 --> 00:07:54,966
I'D LIKE TO SOLVE.

289
00:07:54,966 --> 00:07:55,533
THE POINTED DESERT.

290
00:07:55,533 --> 00:07:58,133
IT'S NOT THE POINTED DESERT.

291
00:07:58,133 --> 00:08:04,766
A GROUP OF PILL PUSHERS?

292
00:08:04,766 --> 00:08:08,166
THIS IS "WHEEL OF FORTUNE,"

293
00:08:08,166 --> 00:08:09,366
JOE!

294
00:08:09,366 --> 00:08:11,200
John: MOVING ON.

295
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:11,833
OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS

296
00:08:11,833 --> 00:08:12,133
THE OCEAN,

297
00:08:12,133 --> 00:08:12,833
THE ONLY PLACE WHERE YOU CAN

298
00:08:12,833 --> 00:08:13,633
PEE IN FULL VIEW OF A FAMILY OF

299
00:08:13,633 --> 00:08:14,200
FOUR WITHOUT IT BEING

300
00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:14,933
A SEX CRIME.

301
00:08:14,933 --> 00:08:16,466
THE OCEAN'S A GIGANTIC PLACE,

302
00:08:16,466 --> 00:08:16,966
ABSOLUTELY CHOCK-FULL OF

303
00:08:16,966 --> 00:08:18,900
WEIRDOS.

304
00:08:18,900 --> 00:08:21,133
THEY ARE SIMPLY OTHERWORLDLY

305
00:08:21,133 --> 00:08:23,066
FLOATING IN THE DARK IN WHAT'S

306
00:08:23,066 --> 00:08:24,533
KNOWN AS THE OXYGEN MINIMUM ZONE

307
00:08:24,533 --> 00:08:25,400
ABOUT 3,000 FEET BELOW

308
00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:27,266
THE SURFACE.

309
00:08:27,266 --> 00:08:28,766
IN THESE DEPTHS, THE RESEARCHERS

310
00:08:28,766 --> 00:08:30,966
HAVE FOUND THIS VAMPIRE SQUID,

311
00:08:30,966 --> 00:08:33,466
RARE BRIGHTLY COLORED JELLYFISH,

312
00:08:33,466 --> 00:08:36,966
AND ALSO THIS BARREL EYE FISH

313
00:08:36,966 --> 00:08:38,833
WITH A TRANSPARENT DOMED HEAD

314
00:08:38,833 --> 00:08:40,966
REVEALING UPWARD-FACING EYES.

315
00:08:40,966 --> 00:08:42,533
IT'S BEEN SEEN BY HUMANS

316
00:08:42,533 --> 00:08:45,966
LESS THAN 10 TIMES.

317
00:08:45,966 --> 00:08:46,533
John: YEAH, TO BE HONEST,

318
00:08:46,533 --> 00:08:47,466
GOOD.

319
00:08:47,466 --> 00:08:48,066
I'M GLAD THAT FISH HASN'T BEEN

320
00:08:48,066 --> 00:08:49,233
SEEN MUCH.

321
00:08:49,233 --> 00:08:49,966
IT'S A BUTTER FACE.

322
00:08:49,966 --> 00:08:51,400
AND I DON'T MEAN THAT IN THE

323
00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:52,466
HORRIBLY OFFENSIVE WAY, I JUST

324
00:08:52,466 --> 00:08:53,366
MEAN IT HAS A BODY I'D LIKE

325
00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:54,033
TO FUCK IF IT WEREN'T FOR

326
00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:55,500
ITS FUGLY FACE.

327
00:08:55,500 --> 00:08:57,033
I'D SAY THAT FISH WAS BEAUTIFUL

328
00:08:57,033 --> 00:08:57,766
ON THE INSIDE BUT WE CAN ALL SEE

329
00:08:57,766 --> 00:09:00,300
IN THERE, AND IT ISN'T.

330
00:09:00,300 --> 00:09:01,500
WHEN YOU SEE CREATURES LIKE

331
00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:02,833
THOSE, YOU BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND

332
00:09:02,833 --> 00:09:04,433
WHY ONE MARINE SCIENTIST HAS

333
00:09:04,433 --> 00:09:05,066
SAID, "IT'S LIKE DR. SEUSS

334
00:09:05,066 --> 00:09:06,666
DOWN THERE," WHICH IS TRUE.

335
00:09:06,666 --> 00:09:07,566
IT'S JUST LIKE HIS FAMOUS BOOK

336
00:09:07,666 --> 00:09:08,366
"ONE FISH, TWO FISH, HOLY SHIT,

337
00:09:08,466 --> 00:09:12,133
IS THAT A SEE-THROUGH FISH?"

338
00:09:12,133 --> 00:09:12,900
THERE'S ALSO WONDERS LIKE

339
00:09:12,900 --> 00:09:13,866
THE FLAPJACK OCTOPUS, WHICH CAN

340
00:09:13,866 --> 00:09:15,433
GET FLAT LIKE A PANCAKE,

341
00:09:15,433 --> 00:09:16,666
THIS TRANSPARENT THING CALLED

342
00:09:16,666 --> 00:09:18,233
A UNICUMBER, A DUMBO OCTOPUS,

343
00:09:18,233 --> 00:09:19,033
NAMED FOR ITS STUPID

344
00:09:19,033 --> 00:09:20,000
LITTLE EARS,

345
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:23,066
WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS IS,

346
00:09:23,066 --> 00:09:23,600
AND THE CARNIVOROUS HARP

347
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:24,066
SPONGE.

348
00:09:24,066 --> 00:09:24,933
AND IF YOU'RE THINKING,

349
00:09:24,933 --> 00:09:26,300
"HOLD ON, WHAT ARE THOSE TINY

350
00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:26,833
BALLS ON THE END?"

351
00:09:26,833 --> 00:09:27,766
GOOD QUESTION!

352
00:09:27,766 --> 00:09:28,533
THEY ARE BASICALLY TESTICLES,

353
00:09:28,533 --> 00:09:32,300
MY FRIENDS.

354
00:09:32,300 --> 00:09:33,333
APPARENTLY THE SWOLLEN BALLS

355
00:09:33,333 --> 00:09:34,033
AT THE TIP OF THE SPONGE'S

356
00:09:34,033 --> 00:09:34,433
UPRIGHT BRANCHES

357
00:09:34,433 --> 00:09:35,433
PRODUCE PACKETS OF SPERM.

358
00:09:35,433 --> 00:09:35,966
NATURE IS INCREDIBLE

359
00:09:35,966 --> 00:09:38,400
AND IT IS DISGUSTING.

360
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:40,000
BUT WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT

361
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:40,733
A SPECIFIC PART OF THE PACIFIC

362
00:09:40,833 --> 00:09:42,533
OCEAN TONIGHT CALLED THE

363
00:09:42,533 --> 00:09:43,433
CLARION-CLIPPERTON ZONE,

364
00:09:43,433 --> 00:09:45,100
OR THE CCZ.

365
00:09:45,100 --> 00:09:46,033
IT'S IN AN AREA BETWEEN MEXICO

366
00:09:46,033 --> 00:09:46,833
AND HAWAII THAT'S

367
00:09:46,833 --> 00:09:48,900
NEARLY THE SIZE OF EUROPE.

368
00:09:48,900 --> 00:09:50,433
IT'S ALSO THE DEEP OCEAN,

369
00:09:50,433 --> 00:09:51,300
WHERE "WATER TEMPERATURES CAN

370
00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:52,533
REACH 0 DEGREES CELSIUS AND

371
00:09:52,533 --> 00:09:54,300
THERE IS VIRTUALLY NO LIGHT."

372
00:09:54,300 --> 00:09:56,366
AND YET, FOR SUCH A SEEMINGLY

373
00:09:56,366 --> 00:09:58,600
INHOSPITABLE PLACE, THERE'S

374
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:00,133
STILL AN INCREDIBLE AMOUNT OF

375
00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:00,933
LIFE DOWN THERE, AS THIS

376
00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:02,400
OCEANOGRAPHER WILL TELL YOU.

377
00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:03,800
WHEN WE GO OUT AND COLLECT

378
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:05,466
A SAMPLE ON THE SEAFLOOR,

379
00:10:05,466 --> 00:10:06,833
WE COLLECT HUNDREDS OF NEW

380
00:10:06,833 --> 00:10:07,800
SPECIES.

381
00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:08,433
THINGS THAT YOU'VE NEVER SEEN

382
00:10:08,433 --> 00:10:09,633
BEFORE?

383
00:10:09,633 --> 00:10:09,866
SURE.

384
00:10:09,866 --> 00:10:10,533
OH, YEAH.

385
00:10:10,533 --> 00:10:11,766
YEAH.

386
00:10:11,766 --> 00:10:13,000
HE TOLD US HE WAS SURPRISED

387
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:13,600
AT HOW MUCH LIFE COULD SURVIVE

388
00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:16,933
THREE MILES DEEP.

389
00:10:16,933 --> 00:10:19,300
HIS EXPEDITIONS TO THE CCZ HAVE

390
00:10:19,300 --> 00:10:22,233
TURNED UP FANTASTICAL CREATURES

391
00:10:22,233 --> 00:10:24,800
LIKE THIS SQUIDWORM OR A

392
00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:26,766
FLUORESCENT SEA CUCUMBER DUBBED

393
00:10:26,766 --> 00:10:30,366
A "GUMMY SQUIRREL."

394
00:10:30,366 --> 00:10:31,233
John: OH, I LIKE THAT

395
00:10:31,233 --> 00:10:31,800
A LOT.

396
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:32,466
IN FACT, I LOVE THAT GUMMY

397
00:10:32,466 --> 00:10:33,533
SQUIRREL SO MUCH I WANT TO COVER

398
00:10:33,533 --> 00:10:34,200
IT IN SOUR DUST AND EAT A BAG OF

399
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:34,933
THEM WHILE WATCHING

400
00:10:34,933 --> 00:10:35,633
NICOLE KIDMAN TALK ABOUT THE

401
00:10:35,633 --> 00:10:37,900
MAGIC OF THE MOVIES.

402
00:10:37,900 --> 00:10:38,700
A STUDY LAST YEAR FOUND THERE

403
00:10:38,700 --> 00:10:40,533
MAY BE MORE THAN 8,000 SPECIES

404
00:10:40,533 --> 00:10:46,166
LIVING IN THE CCZ AND OF THE

405
00:10:46,166 --> 00:10:47,366
5,500 SO FAR DETECTED,

406
00:10:47,466 --> 00:10:47,966
ONLY 438 HAVE BEEN IDENTIFIED.

407
00:10:48,066 --> 00:10:49,266
BUT THIS STORY IS GOING TO BE

408
00:10:49,266 --> 00:10:51,100
LESS ABOUT MARINE LIFE IN THE

409
00:10:51,100 --> 00:10:51,700
DEEP OCEAN AND MORE ABOUT WHAT

410
00:10:51,700 --> 00:10:53,033
ELSE IS DOWN THERE WITH THEM.

411
00:10:53,033 --> 00:10:54,500
SPECIFICALLY, THAT THE OCEAN

412
00:10:54,500 --> 00:10:55,066
FLOOR IS FULL OF DEPOSITS OF

413
00:10:55,066 --> 00:10:56,633
CRITICAL MINERALS.

414
00:10:56,633 --> 00:10:57,800
SOME ARE IN THE CRUSTS OF

415
00:10:57,800 --> 00:10:59,166
UNDERWATER MOUNTAINS OR AROUND

416
00:10:59,166 --> 00:11:00,900
HYDROTHERMAL VENTS

417
00:11:00,900 --> 00:11:01,766
AND SOME-- THE ONES WE'LL BE

418
00:11:01,766 --> 00:11:03,133
FOCUSING ON TONIGHT-- TAKE

419
00:11:03,133 --> 00:11:04,433
THE FORM OF POTATO-SHAPED

420
00:11:04,433 --> 00:11:06,300
NODULES, LITTLE LUMPY SPHERES

421
00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:07,800
FORMED OVER MILLIONS OF YEARS.

422
00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:10,066
BASICALLY, A NUCLEUS, LIKE A BIT

423
00:11:10,066 --> 00:11:12,433
OF BONE OR SAND, SLOWLY ACCRUED

424
00:11:12,433 --> 00:11:13,700
A BUILDUP OF METALS, AT A RATE

425
00:11:13,700 --> 00:11:14,433
OF AROUND A MILLIMETER EVERY

426
00:11:14,433 --> 00:11:16,733
MILLION YEARS OR SO.

427
00:11:16,733 --> 00:11:18,133
THOSE NODULES NOW LINE SOME

428
00:11:18,133 --> 00:11:19,400
PARTS OF THE DEEP OCEAN FLOOR

429
00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:21,166
AND CONTAIN VALUABLE METALS

430
00:11:21,266 --> 00:11:22,733
LIKE NICKEL AND COBALT, WHICH

431
00:11:22,833 --> 00:11:23,600
CAN BE USED FOR THINGS LIKE

432
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:24,466
BATTERIES FOR ELECTRIC CARS.

433
00:11:24,466 --> 00:11:26,133
SO OBVIOUSLY, PEOPLE ARE VERY

434
00:11:26,133 --> 00:11:27,500
INTERESTED IN GETTING THEIR

435
00:11:27,500 --> 00:11:29,933
HANDS ON THEM.

436
00:11:29,933 --> 00:11:32,066
IT LOOKS LIKE A COBBLED ROAD

437
00:11:32,066 --> 00:11:34,433
WITH ALL THESE LITTLE NODULES

438
00:11:34,433 --> 00:11:35,633
PACKED DENSELY AGAINST ONE

439
00:11:35,633 --> 00:11:40,133
ANOTHER ACROSS THIS ENTIRE AREA.

440
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:40,733
UNIQUE LITTLE GOLDEN

441
00:11:40,733 --> 00:11:41,933
NUGGETS.

442
00:11:41,933 --> 00:11:43,166
IS THIS THE GOLD OR OIL

443
00:11:43,166 --> 00:11:45,966
OF THE 21ST CENTURY?

444
00:11:45,966 --> 00:11:47,566
I DEFINITELY THINK THAT THESE

445
00:11:47,566 --> 00:11:49,500
BLACK NUGGETS ARE GOING TO BE AN

446
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:52,433
ESSENTIAL PART OF OUR ABILITY TO

447
00:11:52,433 --> 00:11:53,466
TRANSITION TO WHAT WE WANT TO DO

448
00:11:53,466 --> 00:11:54,800
AT THE END OF THE DAY.

449
00:11:54,900 --> 00:11:55,700
WITHOUT THESE, WE ARE NOT GOING

450
00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:57,333
TO BE ABLE TO ACHIEVE OUR GOALS

451
00:11:57,333 --> 00:11:59,033
AND OBJECTIVES.

452
00:11:59,033 --> 00:11:59,933
John: YEAH, THOSE NODULES

453
00:11:59,933 --> 00:12:01,033
COULD BE INCREDIBLY VALUABLE

454
00:12:01,033 --> 00:12:02,600
EVEN THOUGH, TO BE HONEST,

455
00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:04,533
THEY LOOK MORE LIKE WHAT YOU

456
00:12:04,533 --> 00:12:05,233
BRING TO THE VET WHEN

457
00:12:05,233 --> 00:12:06,100
YOUR POMERANIAN IS SEVERELY

458
00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:07,466
CONSTIPATED.

459
00:12:07,466 --> 00:12:08,600
AND DEEP-SEA MINING COMPANIES

460
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:10,266
ARE NOW SCRAMBLING TO GET THEIR

461
00:12:10,266 --> 00:12:16,733
HANDS ON WHAT THEY'VE DESCRIBED

462
00:12:16,733 --> 00:12:19,900
AS A BATTERY IN A ROCK.

463
00:12:19,900 --> 00:12:20,466
AND THE HEAD OF ONE COMPANY

464
00:12:20,466 --> 00:12:21,466
LEADING THE CHARGE,

465
00:12:21,466 --> 00:12:22,266
"THE METALS COMPANY", HAS GONE

466
00:12:22,266 --> 00:12:22,866
ON OUTLETS LIKE "60 MINUTES"

467
00:12:22,866 --> 00:12:23,433
TO ARGUE THAT THOSE NODULES

468
00:12:23,433 --> 00:12:24,066
COULD END UP SAVING THE PLANET.

469
00:12:24,066 --> 00:12:25,100
I LOVE THE FACT THAT THEY ARE

470
00:12:25,100 --> 00:12:25,833
THE WAY WE'RE GOING TO GET AWAY

471
00:12:25,833 --> 00:12:27,966
FROM FOSSIL FUELS.

472
00:12:28,066 --> 00:12:29,800
I LOVE THE FACT THAT IN THESE,

473
00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:31,200
ARE ALL THE METALS WE NEED TO GO

474
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:32,333
AND BUILD THOSE BATTERIES.

475
00:12:32,333 --> 00:12:34,100
I MEAN, IT'S-- IT'S--

476
00:12:34,100 --> 00:12:36,266
IT'S THE MOST AMAZING

477
00:12:36,266 --> 00:12:39,066
COINCIDENCE THAT I'VE EVER

478
00:12:39,066 --> 00:12:41,533
ENCOUNTERED.

479
00:12:41,533 --> 00:12:42,200
MOTHER NATURE

480
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:43,066
MADE THESE NODULES--

481
00:12:43,066 --> 00:12:43,700
THEY ARE JUST SITTING THERE.

482
00:12:43,700 --> 00:12:44,300
IT'S LIKE, OKAY, YOU GUYS,

483
00:12:44,300 --> 00:12:45,166
YOU'VE MESSED UP PLANET EARTH.

484
00:12:45,166 --> 00:12:46,000
COME AND GET ME.

485
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:47,400
John: THAT'S AN APPEALING

486
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:47,866
PITCH.

487
00:12:47,866 --> 00:12:48,600
I, TOO, LIKE THE IDEA OF

488
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:51,300
A MOTHER NATURE WHO KNOWS WE

489
00:12:51,300 --> 00:12:52,300
FUCKED UP BUT WHO'S GIVING

490
00:12:52,300 --> 00:12:53,033
US ONE LAST CHANCE TO MAKE

491
00:12:53,033 --> 00:12:54,533
THINGS RIGHT, AND IN RETURN, ALL

492
00:12:54,533 --> 00:12:58,800
WE HAVE TO DO IS GO DOWN ON HER.

493
00:12:58,800 --> 00:12:59,833
THAT IS VERY GRACIOUS OF HER.

494
00:12:59,833 --> 00:13:00,500
THAT MAN IS NAMED GERARD BARRON,

495
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:01,100
AND HE'S AN ACTUAL PERSON,

496
00:13:01,100 --> 00:13:01,666
AND NOT-- AS YOU

497
00:13:01,666 --> 00:13:02,833
MAY'VE THOUGHT--

498
00:13:02,833 --> 00:13:04,500
ChatGPT'S ANSWER TO "MAKE

499
00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:07,266
SEAN PENN THE MOST SEAN PENN."

500
00:13:07,266 --> 00:13:08,666
HE'S POSITIONED HIMSELF AT THE

501
00:13:08,666 --> 00:13:09,933
FOREFRONT OF THIS INDUSTRY,

502
00:13:09,933 --> 00:13:10,800
AND REPORTEDLY ONCE

503
00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:17,866
HIRED A MARKETING FIRM THAT

504
00:13:19,133 --> 00:13:19,700
PORTRAYED HIM AS AN AUSTRALIAN

505
00:13:19,700 --> 00:13:19,966
ELON MUSK.

506
00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:20,900
ALTHOUGH HE DENIES THAT,

507
00:13:20,900 --> 00:13:21,600
INSISTING HE'D NEVER COMPARE

508
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:22,433
HIMSELF TO MUSK, AS HE CONSIDERS

509
00:13:22,433 --> 00:13:22,966
HIM A ONCE-IN-A-GENERATION

510
00:13:22,966 --> 00:13:23,566
GENIUS, WHICH GIVES YOU SOME

511
00:13:23,566 --> 00:13:24,466
HINT OF WHERE THIS STORY'S ABOUT

512
00:13:24,466 --> 00:13:24,666
TO GO.

513
00:13:24,666 --> 00:13:25,533
BRARON STRESSES

514
00:13:25,533 --> 00:13:26,966
HE'S THE REAL DEAL.

515
00:13:26,966 --> 00:13:27,566
HIS COMPANY SAYS IT'S SECURED

516
00:13:27,566 --> 00:13:28,200
ACCESS TO ENOUGH METAL TO POWER

517
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:29,500
280 MILLION ELECTRIC VEHICLES,

518
00:13:29,500 --> 00:13:30,333
EQUIVALENT TO THE ENTIRE FLEET

519
00:13:30,333 --> 00:13:32,566
OF CARS IN THE U.S.

520
00:13:32,566 --> 00:13:33,900
AND HE'S PROJECTING THEY COULD

521
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:35,100
START COMMERCIALLY EXPLOITING

522
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:38,766
THE DEEP SEA AS EARLY AS 2026.

523
00:13:38,766 --> 00:13:39,966
BUT THE PLACE HE'S PLANNING TO

524
00:13:39,966 --> 00:13:42,066
DO THAT IS THE CCZ, EVEN THOUGH

525
00:13:42,066 --> 00:13:43,600
IT'S ONE OF THE FEW REMAINING

526
00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:44,066
ENVIRONMENTS ON EARTH

527
00:13:44,066 --> 00:13:46,766
THAT'S CLOSE TO PRISTINE.

528
00:13:46,766 --> 00:13:48,166
AND EXTRACTING THOSE NODULES

529
00:13:48,166 --> 00:13:50,433
COULD DO IRREPARABLE DAMAGE.

530
00:13:50,433 --> 00:13:52,133
SO BEFORE WE STAND BACK

531
00:13:52,133 --> 00:13:53,133
AND WATCH THIS GUY'S COMPANY

532
00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:54,166
THROW OPEN THE DOOR TO

533
00:13:54,166 --> 00:13:55,533
COMMERCIAL-SCALE PLUNDER,

534
00:13:55,533 --> 00:14:00,033
IT MIGHT BE WORTH LOOKING AT

535
00:14:00,033 --> 00:14:01,433
WHAT EXACTLY HE'S PROPOSING TO

536
00:14:01,433 --> 00:14:02,600
DO AND WHETHER IT'S ACTUALLY

537
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:03,700
WORTH DOING AT ALL.

538
00:14:03,700 --> 00:14:04,600
SO TONIGHT, LET'S TALK ABOUT

539
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:05,100
DEEP SEA MINING.

540
00:14:05,100 --> 00:14:06,066
AND TO HEAR BARRON TELL IT,

541
00:14:06,066 --> 00:14:09,466
MINING THESE NODULES IS REALLY

542
00:14:09,466 --> 00:14:10,233
JUST A SIMPLE MATTER OF SCOOPING

543
00:14:10,233 --> 00:14:11,300
THEM OFF THE FLOOR.

544
00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:12,633
THEY LITERALLY LIE ON THE

545
00:14:12,633 --> 00:14:13,800
OCEAN FLOOR JUST LIKE THIS, LIKE

546
00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:19,933
GOLF BALLS ON A DRIVING RANGE.

547
00:14:19,933 --> 00:14:22,133
SITS ON THE SEAFLOOR LIKE

548
00:14:22,133 --> 00:14:25,500
GOLF BALLS ON A DRIVING RANGE.

549
00:14:25,500 --> 00:14:26,400
WELL, THINK OF IT AS A GOLF

550
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:27,366
DRIVING RANGE THAT HAS NOT MUCH

551
00:14:27,366 --> 00:14:29,733
GRASS, IT'S JUST GOLF BALLS.

552
00:14:29,733 --> 00:14:31,633
IT'S A LITTLE BIT LIKE

553
00:14:31,633 --> 00:14:33,266
WALKING ONTO THE GOLF DRIVING

554
00:14:33,266 --> 00:14:36,333
RANGE LITTERED WITH BALLS.

555
00:14:36,333 --> 00:14:36,866
John: OH, THEY'RE JUST

556
00:14:36,866 --> 00:14:37,566
GOLF BALLS YOU CAN PICK UP!

557
00:14:37,566 --> 00:14:38,600
THAT SOUNDS EASY UNTIL

558
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:39,233
YOU REMEMBER THEY'RE 15,000 FEET

559
00:14:39,233 --> 00:14:39,533
UNDER WATER.

560
00:14:39,533 --> 00:14:41,066
THE DIFFICULTY OF PICKING UP

561
00:14:41,166 --> 00:14:41,633
GOLF BALLS REALLY DEPENDS

562
00:14:41,633 --> 00:14:42,033
ON WHERE THEY ARE.

563
00:14:42,033 --> 00:14:43,133
IF THEY'RE ON A DRIVING RANGE,

564
00:14:43,133 --> 00:14:43,633
SURE, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

565
00:14:43,633 --> 00:14:44,500
IF THEY'RE RESTING ON

566
00:14:44,500 --> 00:14:44,966
A GRIZZLY BEAR'S DICK,

567
00:14:44,966 --> 00:14:46,800
THEN YOU KNOW WHAT?

568
00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:48,833
MAYBE TAKE A MULLIGAN.

569
00:14:48,833 --> 00:14:50,233
AND BARRON'S PARTNERS ALSO PAINT

570
00:14:50,233 --> 00:14:52,266
A VERY GENTLE PICTURE OF WHAT

571
00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:53,000
THE EXTRACTION PROCESS WILL LOOK

572
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:54,233
LIKE, WITH RENDERINGS OF

573
00:14:54,233 --> 00:14:55,600
A COLLECTOR VEHICLE DELICATELY

574
00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:56,033
SUCKING THEM UP LIKE

575
00:14:56,033 --> 00:14:58,900
A VACUUM CLEANER.

576
00:14:58,900 --> 00:15:00,400
BUT THAT MASSIVELY UNDERSELLS

577
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:01,500
THE DAMAGE THIS COULD DO,

578
00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:03,333
STARTING WITH THE FACT THAT

579
00:15:03,333 --> 00:15:03,933
RESEARCHERS ESTIMATE AT LEAST

580
00:15:03,933 --> 00:15:05,466
30% TO 40% OF SPECIES DOWN THERE

581
00:15:05,466 --> 00:15:06,200
LIVE DIRECTLY ON THE NODULES

582
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,466
THEMSELVES.

583
00:15:08,466 --> 00:15:10,566
BUT THAT'S JUST THE BEGINNING.

584
00:15:10,566 --> 00:15:11,966
BECAUSE WHILE BARRON HAS CALLED

585
00:15:11,966 --> 00:15:13,133
THE FLOOR OF THE CCZ A DESERT

586
00:15:13,133 --> 00:15:14,066
AND LIKES TO TALK ABOUT HOW

587
00:15:14,066 --> 00:15:15,666
LITTLE BIOMASS THERE IS DOWN

588
00:15:15,666 --> 00:15:20,866
THERE, EXPERTS WHO'VE STUDIED

589
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:22,933
JUST BECAUSE CREATURES ARE SMALL

590
00:15:22,933 --> 00:15:24,500
DOESN'T MEAN THEY ARE IMPORTANT

591
00:15:24,500 --> 00:15:27,533
TO THE ECOSYSTEM AROUND THEM.

592
00:15:27,533 --> 00:15:28,333
EXPERTS HAVE A VERY DIFFERENT

593
00:15:28,333 --> 00:15:28,933
REACTION WHEN HOLDING ONE OF

594
00:15:28,933 --> 00:15:31,700
THESE NODULES.

595
00:15:31,700 --> 00:15:32,400
THIS IS ITS OWN LITTLE

596
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:33,266
HABITAT.

597
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:34,000
WE GET MILLIONS OF DIFFERENT

598
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:35,233
SPECIES LIVING ON THESE NODULES,

599
00:15:35,233 --> 00:15:36,866
EVERYTHING FROM MICROBES, SOME

600
00:15:36,866 --> 00:15:39,533
OF WHICH LIVE NOWHERE ELSE OTHER

601
00:15:39,533 --> 00:15:40,533
THAN ON AND IN THESE NODULES,

602
00:15:40,533 --> 00:15:41,066
ALL THE WAY TO MUCH LARGER

603
00:15:41,066 --> 00:15:42,900
ANIMALS.

604
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:43,733
AND THAT MEANS THAT IF

605
00:15:43,733 --> 00:15:46,666
THE NODULES WERE TO BE REMOVED,

606
00:15:46,666 --> 00:15:48,033
THEY WOULD CERTAINLY IMPACT

607
00:15:48,133 --> 00:15:50,133
THESE SPECIES AND POTENTIALLY

608
00:15:50,133 --> 00:15:51,733
LEAD TO LONG-LASTING,

609
00:15:51,733 --> 00:15:53,266
IF NOT IRREVERSIBLE IMPACTS

610
00:15:53,266 --> 00:15:57,833
TO THIS ECOSYSTEM.

611
00:15:57,833 --> 00:15:58,866
John: EXACTLY.

612
00:15:58,866 --> 00:15:59,433
IT COULD HAVE IRREVERSIBLE

613
00:15:59,433 --> 00:16:00,000
IMPACTS FOR EVERYTHING FROM

614
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:01,000
MICROBES TO GUMMY SQUIRRELS.

615
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:01,733
AND I LITERALLY ONLY JUST

616
00:16:01,733 --> 00:16:03,500
LEARNED THEY EXISTED.

617
00:16:03,500 --> 00:16:04,800
I DON'T WANT THEM TO BE

618
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:06,266
DESTROYED UNLESS I'M ABSOLUTELY

619
00:16:06,266 --> 00:16:06,966
HOUSING A FAMILY-SIZE BAG

620
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:08,766
OF THEM.

621
00:16:08,766 --> 00:16:10,700
AND JUST TO BE CLEAR-- IT'S NOT

622
00:16:10,700 --> 00:16:11,700
JUST THE IMPACT OF REMOVING

623
00:16:11,700 --> 00:16:13,366
THE NODULES THEMSELVES.

624
00:16:13,366 --> 00:16:15,300
IT'S THE DAMAGE THE MERE ACT OF

625
00:16:15,300 --> 00:16:16,766
MINING ITSELF WILL DO, BECAUSE

626
00:16:16,766 --> 00:16:17,900
SCIENTISTS WORRY THAT THOSE

627
00:16:17,900 --> 00:16:18,533
GIGANTIC VEHICLES COULD DO MUCH

628
00:16:18,533 --> 00:16:21,366
BROADER HARM.

629
00:16:21,466 --> 00:16:22,566
IT WILL DRIVE AROUND MINING

630
00:16:22,666 --> 00:16:24,066
THE NODULES.

631
00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:25,466
BUT DURING THIS PROCESS, IT WILL

632
00:16:25,466 --> 00:16:27,900
ALSO COLLECT ABOUT 5 TO 30

633
00:16:27,900 --> 00:16:28,533
CENTIMETERS OF SEDIMENT

634
00:16:28,533 --> 00:16:29,733
FROM THE SEAFLOOR.

635
00:16:29,733 --> 00:16:30,333
AND THIS WILL ALL PASS THROUGH

636
00:16:30,333 --> 00:16:32,233
THE VEHICLE.

637
00:16:32,233 --> 00:16:34,033
THE NODULES WILL BE RETAINED,

638
00:16:34,033 --> 00:16:34,666
BUT THE SEDIMENT WILL COME OUT

639
00:16:34,666 --> 00:16:36,366
OF THE BACK OF IT.

640
00:16:36,366 --> 00:16:37,933
AND THAT WILL CREATE A SEDIMENT

641
00:16:37,933 --> 00:16:38,566
PLUME, A BIT LIKE AN UNDERWATER

642
00:16:38,566 --> 00:16:40,166
SANDSTORM.

643
00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:41,200
THE NODULES WILL BE LOADED ONTO

644
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,100
A TRANSPORT SHIP WHICH WILL THEN

645
00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:43,766
TAKE THEM BACK TO LAND FOR

646
00:16:43,766 --> 00:16:45,100
PROCESSING, BUT THE UNWANTED

647
00:16:45,100 --> 00:16:46,033
SEDIMENT AND SEAWATER FROM

648
00:16:46,033 --> 00:16:48,366
THE CLEANING PROCESS WILL BE

649
00:16:48,366 --> 00:16:49,933
RELEASED BACK INTO THE OCEAN.

650
00:16:49,933 --> 00:16:52,100
AND THAT COULD EITHER HAPPEN

651
00:16:52,100 --> 00:16:53,433
CLOSE TO THE SEAFLOOR OR AT MUCH

652
00:16:53,533 --> 00:16:54,466
SHALLOWER DEPTHS CLOSER TO THE

653
00:16:54,566 --> 00:16:56,133
SURFACE.

654
00:16:56,233 --> 00:16:57,233
AND THAT CREATES A SECONDARY

655
00:16:57,233 --> 00:16:59,233
PLUME, BUT THIS TIME LIKELY

656
00:16:59,233 --> 00:17:02,033
CONTAINING FRAGMENTS OF METAL.

657
00:17:02,033 --> 00:17:02,866
John: YEAH, SO IT'S TWO

658
00:17:02,866 --> 00:17:03,800
MASSIVE CLOUDS OF SEDIMENT

659
00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:08,133
AND METAL.

660
00:17:08,133 --> 00:17:09,900
WHICH CAN DO A LOT MORE DAMAGE

661
00:17:09,900 --> 00:17:10,666
THAN YOU MIGHT THINK.

662
00:17:10,666 --> 00:17:12,733
THEY HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO BURY

663
00:17:12,733 --> 00:17:15,200
FIELDS OF THE NODULES, CHOKE THE

664
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,133
FILTERS WITH SPONGES AND OTHER

665
00:17:17,133 --> 00:17:19,233
ENEMIES, EVEN THOSE LIVING

666
00:17:19,233 --> 00:17:20,666
OUTSIDE THE MINING ZONE AND

667
00:17:20,666 --> 00:17:22,133
OBSCURE BIOLUMINESCENCE THAT

668
00:17:22,133 --> 00:17:24,833
SQUID AND FISH USED TO HUNT AND

669
00:17:24,833 --> 00:17:25,900
MATE.

670
00:17:25,900 --> 00:17:26,666
BASICALLY, IT COULD FUCK

671
00:17:26,666 --> 00:17:27,466
EVERYONE'S SHIT UP.

672
00:17:27,566 --> 00:17:28,033
THINK LESS "GENTLY LIFTING

673
00:17:28,033 --> 00:17:28,733
GOLF BALLS OFF THE DRIVING

674
00:17:28,833 --> 00:17:29,700
RANGE," AND MORE A SCENE

675
00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:31,466
FROM "DUNE 3: EVEN MORE SAND."

676
00:17:31,466 --> 00:17:32,066
AND WHILE THE METALS COMPANY

677
00:17:32,066 --> 00:17:35,500
SAYS RESEARCH IT COMMISSIONED

678
00:17:35,500 --> 00:17:36,166
SHOWS THE DAMAGE WILL

679
00:17:36,166 --> 00:17:36,833
BE MINIMAL, VASTLY MORE RESEARCH

680
00:17:36,833 --> 00:17:37,433
IT DIDN'T COMMISSION SUGGESTS

681
00:17:37,433 --> 00:17:38,300
OTHERWISE.

682
00:17:38,300 --> 00:17:39,566
ONE LONG-RUNNING STUDY

683
00:17:39,566 --> 00:17:40,766
SENT EQUIPMENT DOWN TO SIMULATE

684
00:17:40,766 --> 00:17:42,333
THE EXTRACTION OF NODULES

685
00:17:42,333 --> 00:17:43,600
IN 1989 AND RETURNED

686
00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:44,166
PERIODICALLY TO SEE HOW THE

687
00:17:44,166 --> 00:17:46,066
ECOSYSTEM HAD CHANGED.

688
00:17:46,066 --> 00:17:47,133
AND EVEN 26 YEARS LATER,

689
00:17:47,133 --> 00:17:48,466
IT HAD FAILED TO RETURN

690
00:17:48,466 --> 00:17:50,433
TO ITS PREVIOUS STATE.

691
00:17:50,433 --> 00:17:52,533
SO EVEN AFTER AN ENTIRE

692
00:17:52,533 --> 00:17:55,233
KYLIE JENNER, THE ECOSYSTEM

693
00:17:55,233 --> 00:17:55,733
HADN'T RECOVERED.

694
00:17:55,733 --> 00:17:56,900
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW OUR INTEREST

695
00:17:56,900 --> 00:17:58,233
IN THESE CREATURES ISN'T JUST

696
00:17:58,233 --> 00:18:01,133
FOR ETHICAL OR ACADEMIC REASONS.

697
00:18:01,233 --> 00:18:01,733
OCEAN ORGANISMS CAN LEAD TO

698
00:18:01,733 --> 00:18:03,600
RADICAL ADVANCES IN MEDICINE.

699
00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:04,266
IN THE LAST 50 YEARS, SCIENTISTS

700
00:18:04,266 --> 00:18:06,666
HAVE DISCOVERED MORE THAN 10,000

701
00:18:06,666 --> 00:18:07,133
NEW CHEMICAL COMPOUNDS

702
00:18:07,133 --> 00:18:08,166
FROM SPONGES.

703
00:18:08,166 --> 00:18:09,700
IN FACT, A NUMBER OF DRUGS,

704
00:18:09,700 --> 00:18:10,433
FROM THE WORLD'S FIRST

705
00:18:10,433 --> 00:18:11,866
MEDICATION TO TREAT HIV

706
00:18:11,866 --> 00:18:13,466
TO A DRUG FOR BREAST CANCER

707
00:18:13,466 --> 00:18:15,933
TO THE COVID TREATMENT

708
00:18:15,933 --> 00:18:16,533
REMDESIVIR, OWE THEIR ORIGINS

709
00:18:16,533 --> 00:18:18,466
TO SEA SPONGES.

710
00:18:18,466 --> 00:18:20,966
AND MANY MORE, INCLUDING MANY

711
00:18:20,966 --> 00:18:22,100
DERIVED FROM DEEP-SEA CREATURES,

712
00:18:22,100 --> 00:18:24,233
ARE IN THE WORKS.

713
00:18:24,233 --> 00:18:25,533
AND GIVEN THAT THE WHOLE REASON

714
00:18:25,533 --> 00:18:27,166
FOR DOING THIS, AS BARRON

715
00:18:27,166 --> 00:18:28,366
INSISTS, IS TO PROTECT

716
00:18:28,366 --> 00:18:29,700
THE PLANET, IT'S WORTH NOTING

717
00:18:29,700 --> 00:18:31,333
THAT THE OCEAN ACTUALLY ABSORBS

718
00:18:31,333 --> 00:18:33,000
ABOUT A THIRD OF ALL THE CARBON

719
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:35,100
DIOXIDE WE PRODUCE.

720
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:35,933
IN FACT, A TYPE OF BACTERIA

721
00:18:35,933 --> 00:18:37,600
FOUND IN THE CCZ A FEW YEARS AGO

722
00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:38,800
WAS FOUND TO BE TAKING UP

723
00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:40,000
LARGE AMOUNTS OF CARBON DIOXIDE

724
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:41,500
AND COULD BE PLAYING

725
00:18:41,500 --> 00:18:43,466
AN IMPORTANT PART OF

726
00:18:43,466 --> 00:18:46,166
THE DEEP-SEA CARBON CYCLE.

727
00:18:46,166 --> 00:18:47,233
SO YOU WANT TO BE ABSOLUTELY

728
00:18:47,233 --> 00:18:47,933
SURE THAT'S NOT JEOPARDIZED

729
00:18:47,933 --> 00:18:53,933
BY DEEP SEA MINING, AND WE'RE

730
00:18:53,933 --> 00:18:54,633
NOT SURE ABOUT THAT AT ALL.

731
00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:55,666
SO, IF DEEP SEA MINING COULD BE

732
00:18:55,666 --> 00:18:56,200
THIS RISKY, WHAT RULES ARE

733
00:18:56,200 --> 00:19:00,233
IN PLACE TO MITIGATE IT?

734
00:19:00,233 --> 00:19:01,366
WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, IN MOST OF

735
00:19:01,366 --> 00:19:02,000
THE OCEAN, NONE.

736
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:05,600
AND TO UNDERSTAND WHY, YOU NEED

737
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:07,266
TO KNOW A LITTLE BIT ABOUT

738
00:19:07,266 --> 00:19:08,033
A TINY U.N. AFFILIATED AGENCY

739
00:19:08,133 --> 00:19:08,666
CALLED THE INTERNATIONAL SEABED

740
00:19:08,766 --> 00:19:09,633
AUTHORITY, OR THE ISA.

741
00:19:09,633 --> 00:19:11,266
BASICALLY, IT'S IN CHARGE OF THE

742
00:19:11,266 --> 00:19:12,200
SEABED IN INTERNATIONAL WATERS

743
00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:13,733
AND OVERSEES AN AREA COVERING

744
00:19:13,733 --> 00:19:15,466
AROUND 54% OF THE TOTAL AREA

745
00:19:15,466 --> 00:19:17,600
OF THE WORLD'S OCEANS.

746
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:20,033
THE ISA CALLS IT "THE AREA,"

747
00:19:20,033 --> 00:19:21,566
WHICH IS JUST A WILDLY LAZY

748
00:19:21,566 --> 00:19:23,666
PLACEHOLDER NAME, IT'S LIKE

749
00:19:23,666 --> 00:19:24,733
CALLING A MAN WHO'S SUPER

750
00:19:24,733 --> 00:19:26,600
"SUPERMAN" OR CALLING A SHOW

751
00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:27,933
WHERE YOU TALK ABOUT LAST WEEK

752
00:19:27,933 --> 00:19:28,466
THAT NIGHT

753
00:19:28,466 --> 00:19:29,966
"LAST WEEK TONIGHT."

754
00:19:29,966 --> 00:19:30,700
IT'S JUST COMPLETELY DEVOID OF

755
00:19:30,700 --> 00:19:33,633
IMAGINATION.

756
00:19:33,633 --> 00:19:35,733
THE ISA WAS CREATED IN 1982,

757
00:19:35,733 --> 00:19:36,400
AS PART OF THE U.N.'S LAW OF THE

758
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:37,600
SEA TREATY.

759
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:39,200
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW WHILE

760
00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:40,000
168 COUNTRIES SIGNED ONTO THAT

761
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,466
TREATY, THE U.S. RECOGNIZED IT

762
00:19:42,566 --> 00:19:44,333
BUT NEVER RATIFIED IT,

763
00:19:44,333 --> 00:19:46,133
PARTLY BECAUSE OF PRESSURE FROM

764
00:19:46,133 --> 00:19:47,466
CONSERVATIVES IN THE U.S.,

765
00:19:47,466 --> 00:19:48,433
LIKE PHYLLIS SCHLAFLY, WHO SPENT

766
00:19:48,433 --> 00:19:49,000
YEARS RANTING ABOUT WHAT THE

767
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:51,466
TREATY WOULD DO.

768
00:19:51,466 --> 00:19:53,066
IT IS GLOBAL SOCIALISM.

769
00:19:53,066 --> 00:19:54,600
IT IS WORLD GOVERNMENT.

770
00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:54,900
IT IS WORSE

771
00:19:54,900 --> 00:19:57,066
THAN THE UNITED NATIONS.

772
00:19:57,066 --> 00:19:59,366
WE WOULD HAVE ONE VOTE, THE SAME

773
00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:00,400
VOTE AS CUBA, BUT WE WOULDN'T

774
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,133
EVEN HAVE THE VETO.

775
00:20:02,133 --> 00:20:03,666
THIS INTERNATIONAL SEABED

776
00:20:03,666 --> 00:20:07,966
AUTHORITY WOULD HAVE THE POWER

777
00:20:07,966 --> 00:20:09,233
OVER US, NINE-TENTHS OF THE

778
00:20:09,233 --> 00:20:11,266
WORLD'S SURFACE.

779
00:20:11,266 --> 00:20:12,666
IT WOULD HAVE SOVEREIGN CONTROL

780
00:20:12,666 --> 00:20:13,566
OVER ALL THE RICHES AT THE

781
00:20:13,666 --> 00:20:20,266
BOTTOM OF THE OCEANS.

782
00:20:20,266 --> 00:20:21,000
John: YOU KNOW WHAT?

783
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:21,966
SHE SEEMS FUN.

784
00:20:21,966 --> 00:20:22,533
AND SHE PRETTY MUCH CHECKED

785
00:20:22,533 --> 00:20:23,266
ALL THE BOXES OF A DERANGED

786
00:20:23,266 --> 00:20:23,666
CONSERVATIVE TAKE:

787
00:20:23,666 --> 00:20:24,433
FEARMONGERING ABOUT GLOBAL

788
00:20:24,433 --> 00:20:25,333
SOCIALISM, SHIT-TALKING

789
00:20:25,333 --> 00:20:26,300
THE U.N., AND SHOEHORNING

790
00:20:26,300 --> 00:20:28,800
CUBA IN FOR GOOD MEASURE.

791
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:29,866
BUT IT WASN'T JUST HER.

792
00:20:29,866 --> 00:20:30,733
REAGAN REFUSED TO SIGN

793
00:20:30,733 --> 00:20:32,333
THE TREATY WHILE HE WAS

794
00:20:32,333 --> 00:20:33,600
PRESIDENT BECAUSE OF HIS

795
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:34,133
OBJECTIONS TO ITS LIMITS

796
00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:36,833
ON FUTURE SEABED MINING.

797
00:20:36,833 --> 00:20:37,866
AND I KNOW I TALK A LOT ON THIS

798
00:20:37,866 --> 00:20:39,200
SHOW ABOUT THE BAD STUFF

799
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:40,233
RONALD REAGAN DID, SO TO BALANCE

800
00:20:40,233 --> 00:20:41,433
THAT OUT, I DO WANT TO MENTION

801
00:20:41,433 --> 00:20:42,200
SOMETHING POSITIVE HE DID FOR

802
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:43,366
THE PLANET.

803
00:20:43,366 --> 00:20:45,033
IN 2004, AND THIS IS TRUE,

804
00:20:45,033 --> 00:20:48,966
HE DIED.

805
00:20:49,066 --> 00:20:51,000
BUT THE TRUTH IS, THE ISA'S

806
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:52,533
FAR FROM THE ALL-POWERFUL WORLD

807
00:20:52,533 --> 00:20:53,066
GOVERNMENT SCHLAFLY WARNED

808
00:20:53,066 --> 00:20:54,100
ABOUT.

809
00:20:54,100 --> 00:20:55,566
IT'S ACTUALLY STRUGGLED TO AGREE

810
00:20:55,566 --> 00:20:56,100
TO A REGULATORY FRAMEWORK

811
00:20:56,100 --> 00:20:57,466
TO GOVERN DEEP-SEA MINING.

812
00:20:57,466 --> 00:20:58,266
AND ON ONE HAND, THAT MAKES

813
00:20:58,266 --> 00:20:59,666
SENSE.

814
00:20:59,666 --> 00:21:00,766
IT'S A COMPLEX ISSUE,

815
00:21:00,766 --> 00:21:01,800
EXACERBATED BY THE FACT THAT

816
00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:03,500
MORE THAN 80% OF THE WORLD'S

817
00:21:03,500 --> 00:21:04,766
OCEANS REMAIN UNEXPLORED

818
00:21:04,766 --> 00:21:08,300
AND UNMAPPED, AND THERE'S STILL

819
00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:09,300
SO MUCH WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT HOW

820
00:21:09,300 --> 00:21:10,966
MINING COULD AFFECT IT.

821
00:21:10,966 --> 00:21:12,666
BUT MANY OF THE AGENCY'S CRITICS

822
00:21:12,666 --> 00:21:13,600
ARE ALSO CONCERNED THAT IT'S

823
00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:15,533
BEHOLDEN TO MINING INTERESTS,

824
00:21:15,533 --> 00:21:16,166
WITH ONE OF ITS TOP RULE-MAKING

825
00:21:16,166 --> 00:21:17,466
BODIES HAVING MEMBERS WHO ALSO

826
00:21:17,466 --> 00:21:19,866
WORK FOR MINING CONTRACTORS.

827
00:21:19,866 --> 00:21:21,666
NOW, IT HASN'T GIVEN OUT ANY

828
00:21:21,766 --> 00:21:23,466
EXPLOITATION LICENSES TO

829
00:21:23,466 --> 00:21:24,366
ACTUALLY COMMERCIALLY MINE THE

830
00:21:24,366 --> 00:21:25,600
OCEAN FLOOR YET, BUT IT'S GIVEN

831
00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:27,633
OUT DOZENS OF SO-CALLED

832
00:21:27,633 --> 00:21:28,966
EXPLORATORY LICENSES, WHICH ARE

833
00:21:28,966 --> 00:21:29,833
THE FIRST STEP TOWARD DOING

834
00:21:29,833 --> 00:21:30,900
THAT.

835
00:21:30,900 --> 00:21:32,166
AND JUST WATCH AS THIS REPORTER

836
00:21:32,166 --> 00:21:32,933
ASKS THE HEAD OF THE ISA,

837
00:21:32,933 --> 00:21:33,700
MICHAEL LODGE, A PRETTY

838
00:21:33,700 --> 00:21:36,100
REVEALING QUESTION.

839
00:21:36,100 --> 00:21:37,733
THE ISA'S JOB IS TO DECIDE

840
00:21:37,733 --> 00:21:39,300
WHICH PARTS OF THE SEA FLOOR IN

841
00:21:39,300 --> 00:21:39,866
INTERNATIONAL WATERS CAN BE

842
00:21:39,866 --> 00:21:42,033
MINED BY WHICH COUNTRY.

843
00:21:42,033 --> 00:21:43,800
BUT SOME HAVE ASKED WHETHER

844
00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:44,533
IT'S PAYING ENOUGH ATTENTION TO

845
00:21:44,533 --> 00:21:48,933
THE ENVIRONMENTAL CONSEQUENCES.

846
00:21:48,933 --> 00:21:49,666
HAVE YOU EVER, IN THE ISA'S

847
00:21:49,666 --> 00:21:50,366
HISTORY, REJECTED A LICENSE

848
00:21:50,366 --> 00:21:52,666
APPLICATION?

849
00:21:52,666 --> 00:21:54,366
NO.

850
00:21:54,466 --> 00:21:54,966
SO FAR, NO LICENSE APPLICATION

851
00:21:55,066 --> 00:21:57,900
HAS BEEN REJECTED.

852
00:21:57,900 --> 00:21:59,366
John: WOW.

853
00:21:59,366 --> 00:22:01,800
A 0% REJECTION RATE.

854
00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:02,833
IT'S NOT IDEAL THAT A BODY

855
00:22:02,833 --> 00:22:03,766
RESPONSIBLE FOR SOMETHING AS

856
00:22:03,766 --> 00:22:05,366
IMPORTANT AS PROTECTING THE DEEP

857
00:22:05,366 --> 00:22:06,966
SEA HAS LOWER STANDARDS THAN

858
00:22:06,966 --> 00:22:09,800
THE UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX.

859
00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:11,800
SO THAT'S NOT GREAT.

860
00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:12,566
NOR IS IT GREAT THAT LODGE,

861
00:22:12,566 --> 00:22:13,733
WHO, REMEMBER, HEADS THE AGENCY

862
00:22:13,733 --> 00:22:17,233
TASKED WITH REGULATING SEABED,

863
00:22:17,233 --> 00:22:18,366
MINING NOT ONLY APPEARED IN

864
00:22:18,366 --> 00:22:19,433
A PROMO VIDEO FOR BARRON'S

865
00:22:19,433 --> 00:22:20,466
COMPANY BUT HAS SAID,

866
00:22:20,466 --> 00:22:22,466
"I THINK THAT DEEP SEABED MINING

867
00:22:22,466 --> 00:22:23,133
IS AN ESSENTIAL COMPONENT OF THE

868
00:22:23,133 --> 00:22:23,766
GLOBAL VISION FOR A SUSTAINABLE

869
00:22:23,766 --> 00:22:26,166
WORLD."

870
00:22:26,166 --> 00:22:27,800
I'D SAY LODGE IS A CHEERLEADER

871
00:22:27,900 --> 00:22:29,000
FOR MINING INTERESTS, EXCEPT

872
00:22:29,100 --> 00:22:30,666
THAT WHEN RADIO NEW ZEALAND

873
00:22:30,666 --> 00:22:31,633
REFERRED TO HIM AS A CHEERLEADER

874
00:22:31,633 --> 00:22:32,600
FOR MINING INTERESTS, HE

875
00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:34,533
THREATENED A DEFAMATION LAWSUIT.

876
00:22:34,533 --> 00:22:35,533
SO I'LL JUST SAY THIS.

877
00:22:35,533 --> 00:22:36,600
HE'S A CHEERLEADER FOR MINING

878
00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:38,200
INTERESTS.

879
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:42,500
I'M JUST KIDDING.

880
00:22:42,500 --> 00:22:46,766
BUT HE IS, THOUGH.

881
00:22:46,766 --> 00:22:47,600
HE DEFINITELY IS.

882
00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:48,866
AND LODGE, WHO, BY THE WAY,

883
00:22:48,866 --> 00:22:50,400
ISN'T A SCIENTIST, BUT A LAWYER,

884
00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:52,066
HAS MADE IT CLEAR IN INTERVIEWS

885
00:22:52,066 --> 00:22:52,566
THAT HE'S IRRITATED BY

886
00:22:52,566 --> 00:22:54,200
ENVIRONMENTALISTS WHO WANT CLEAN

887
00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:56,233
ENERGY BUT OPPOSE DEEP SEA

888
00:22:56,233 --> 00:22:57,733
MINING, ARGUING, "TO SAY,

889
00:22:57,733 --> 00:22:58,966
'DON'T HARM THE OCEAN,' IT IS

890
00:22:58,966 --> 00:22:59,500
THE EASIEST MESSAGE IN THE

891
00:22:59,500 --> 00:23:01,300
WORLD, RIGHT?

892
00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:02,266
YOU JUST HAVE TO SHOW A PHOTO

893
00:23:02,266 --> 00:23:04,000
OF A TURTLE WITH A STRAW

894
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:05,200
IN ITS NOSE."

895
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:07,133
AND YEAH, NO SHIT, MICHAEL,

896
00:23:07,133 --> 00:23:07,700
BECAUSE THAT'S A DISTURBING

897
00:23:07,700 --> 00:23:09,066
IMAGE.

898
00:23:09,066 --> 00:23:10,700
IF YOU SEE A TURTLE WITH A STRAW

899
00:23:10,700 --> 00:23:12,500
IN ITS NOSE, IT'S EITHER

900
00:23:12,500 --> 00:23:13,333
IN DISTRESS, OR YOU'RE WATCHING

901
00:23:13,333 --> 00:23:14,633
A SPECIAL EPISODE OF

902
00:23:14,633 --> 00:23:18,733
NINJA TURTLES ABOUT DRUG USE.

903
00:23:18,733 --> 00:23:20,166
EVEN THOSE WHO'VE WORKED FOR THE

904
00:23:20,166 --> 00:23:20,900
ISA HAVE RESERVATIONS

905
00:23:20,900 --> 00:23:22,400
ABOUT ITS PRIORITIES.

906
00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:23,633
ONE MARINE GEOLOGIST WHO SERVED

907
00:23:23,633 --> 00:23:24,966
AS ITS TOP ENVIRONMENTAL

908
00:23:24,966 --> 00:23:26,266
OFFICIAL HAS SAID THE ISA IS NOT

909
00:23:26,266 --> 00:23:28,300
FIT TO REGULATE ANY ACTIVITY

910
00:23:28,300 --> 00:23:30,566
IN INTERNATIONAL WATERS.

911
00:23:30,566 --> 00:23:31,766
"IT IS LIKE TO ASK THE WOLF

912
00:23:31,766 --> 00:23:33,700
TO TAKE CARE OF THE SHEEP."

913
00:23:33,700 --> 00:23:36,633
AND I REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE

914
00:23:36,633 --> 00:23:37,566
A FACT CHECKY BITCH ABOUT IT,

915
00:23:37,566 --> 00:23:38,766
BUT THE THING IS,

916
00:23:38,766 --> 00:23:40,366
A SHEEPDOG IS ACTUALLY

917
00:23:40,366 --> 00:23:41,400
A DOMESTICATED WOLF.

918
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:43,400
SO THE DESCENDANTS OF WOLVES

919
00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:43,966
LITERALLY DO CARE FOR SHEEP

920
00:23:43,966 --> 00:23:44,700
EVERY DAY.

921
00:23:44,700 --> 00:23:45,633
IT'S A HARD JOB, AND THEY DO IT

922
00:23:45,633 --> 00:23:47,566
WELL.

923
00:23:47,566 --> 00:23:48,566
I'M SO SORRY TO CORRECT YOU,

924
00:23:48,566 --> 00:23:49,133
BUT I CAN'T HELP IT.

925
00:23:49,133 --> 00:23:50,100
IT'S WHO I AM AS A PERSON.

926
00:23:50,100 --> 00:23:56,066
AND I DON'T LIKE IT EITHER.

927
00:23:56,066 --> 00:23:56,600
THE THING IS,

928
00:23:56,600 --> 00:23:57,566
RIGHT NOW, BARRON'S METALS

929
00:23:57,566 --> 00:23:58,133
COMPANY SEEMS SET TO USE THE

930
00:23:58,133 --> 00:23:58,700
WEAKNESS OF THAT REGULATORY

931
00:23:58,700 --> 00:24:01,166
AGENCY TO BARREL INTO THE CCZ,

932
00:24:01,166 --> 00:24:02,766
POTENTIALLY SETTING A PRECEDENT

933
00:24:02,766 --> 00:24:03,566
FOR FAR MORE DEEP SEA MINING

934
00:24:03,566 --> 00:24:05,000
THROUGHOUT THE OCEAN.

935
00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:06,700
AND THE WAY THE COMPANY'S DOING

936
00:24:06,700 --> 00:24:08,866
IT IS ACTUALLY PRETTY CLEVER.

937
00:24:08,966 --> 00:24:10,466
BECAUSE THE ISA IS SET UP

938
00:24:10,466 --> 00:24:12,233
IN A WAY THAT'S THEORETICALLY

939
00:24:12,233 --> 00:24:14,933
MEANT TO PROTECT THE INTERESTS

940
00:24:14,933 --> 00:24:15,666
OF SMALL DEVELOPING COUNTRIES.

941
00:24:15,666 --> 00:24:16,400
THE WAY IT WORKS IS, WHEN LARGER

942
00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:17,200
COUNTRIES FIND

943
00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:19,300
"WORTHY LOCATIONS" TO MINE IN,

944
00:24:19,300 --> 00:24:20,433
THEY HAVE TO HAND OVER HALF THAT

945
00:24:20,433 --> 00:24:22,433
TERRITORY TO THE ISA, WHICH THEN

946
00:24:22,433 --> 00:24:25,400
SETS THEM ASIDE AS

947
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:31,733
RESERVED AREAS FOR LESS

948
00:24:31,733 --> 00:24:33,533
FOR DEVELOPING

949
00:24:33,533 --> 00:24:33,933
COUNTRIES TO START

950
00:24:33,933 --> 00:24:34,666
THEIR OWN PROJECTS.

951
00:24:34,666 --> 00:24:35,200
THOSE COUNTRIES CAN THEN

952
00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:36,466
SPONSOR A MINING COMPANY

953
00:24:36,466 --> 00:24:37,066
TO DEVELOP THAT AREA FOR THEM.

954
00:24:37,066 --> 00:24:37,633
THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENED WITH

955
00:24:37,633 --> 00:24:38,300
BARRON'S COMPANY, WHICH HAS BEEN

956
00:24:38,300 --> 00:24:38,933
SPONSORED BY A FEW TINY PACIFIC

957
00:24:38,933 --> 00:24:39,500
ISLAND NATIONS, AMONG THEM

958
00:24:39,500 --> 00:24:40,600
TONGA AND NAURU, ON WHAT APPEAR

959
00:24:40,700 --> 00:24:42,666
TO BE VERY FAVORABLE TERMS.

960
00:24:42,766 --> 00:24:44,233
ONE TONGAN COMMUNITY LEADER HAS

961
00:24:44,233 --> 00:24:45,800
SAID IT'S ACCEPTING A FEE THAT

962
00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:47,600
AMOUNTS TO LESS THAN HALF OF

963
00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:49,000
1% OF THE FIRM'S TOTAL ESTIMATED

964
00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:53,433
VALUE OF THE MINED MATERIAL.

965
00:24:53,433 --> 00:24:54,866
AND BARRON SEEMS VERY AWARE OF

966
00:24:54,866 --> 00:24:55,833
HOW MUCH LEVERAGE HIS COMPANY

967
00:24:55,833 --> 00:24:57,166
HAS, SAYING, "IF YOU LOOK AT A

968
00:24:57,166 --> 00:24:58,066
NATION LIKE NAURU, AND IF YOU

969
00:24:58,066 --> 00:24:59,200
ASK THEM, 'WELL, WHAT ARE YOUR

970
00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:00,100
OTHER ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT

971
00:25:00,100 --> 00:25:00,566
OPPORTUNITIES?'

972
00:25:00,566 --> 00:25:03,000
THERE'S NOT A LONG LIST."

973
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:04,566
ALTHOUGH THERE'S A REASON FOR

974
00:25:04,566 --> 00:25:08,266
THAT, AND IT HAS TO DO WITH THE

975
00:25:08,266 --> 00:25:09,833
FACT THAT NAURU HAS BEEN

976
00:25:09,833 --> 00:25:10,266
REPEATEDLY EXPLOITED

977
00:25:10,266 --> 00:25:11,400
BY OUTSIDERS.

978
00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:12,133
IT SPENT YEARS BEING PLUNDERED

979
00:25:12,133 --> 00:25:12,733
FOR ITS MAIN NATURAL RESOURCE,

980
00:25:12,733 --> 00:25:13,333
PHOSPHATE, THE MINING OF WHICH

981
00:25:13,333 --> 00:25:13,866
WAS SO DESTRUCTIVE, NAURU

982
00:25:13,866 --> 00:25:14,900
HAS BEEN CALLED

983
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:15,466
"THE MOST ENVIRONMENTALLY

984
00:25:15,466 --> 00:25:17,200
RAVAGED NATION ON EARTH."

985
00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:19,100
SINCE THEN, THEY'VE GRASPED

986
00:25:19,100 --> 00:25:19,966
FOR FINANCIAL LIFE LINES,

987
00:25:19,966 --> 00:25:20,933
FROM ALLOWING THEMSELVES TO BE

988
00:25:20,933 --> 00:25:22,300
USED AS A MONEY-LAUNDERING

989
00:25:22,300 --> 00:25:23,700
HAVEN, TO LETTING AUSTRALIA

990
00:25:23,700 --> 00:25:24,500
EFFECTIVELY REMAKE THE ISLAND

991
00:25:24,500 --> 00:25:26,233
INTO ITS OWN DETENTION CENTER,

992
00:25:26,233 --> 00:25:27,566
TO THE FACT IT EVEN GOT TALKED

993
00:25:27,566 --> 00:25:28,866
INTO BECOMING THE CHIEF BACKER

994
00:25:28,866 --> 00:25:30,333
OF A LONDON MUSICAL BASED ON THE

995
00:25:30,333 --> 00:25:31,833
LIFE OF DA VINCI CALLED

996
00:25:31,833 --> 00:25:33,066
"LEONARDO THE MUSICAL:

997
00:25:33,066 --> 00:25:34,866
A PORTRAIT OF LOVE," ABOUT AN

998
00:25:34,866 --> 00:25:36,266
AFFAIR BETWEEN DA VINCE

999
00:25:36,266 --> 00:25:37,733
AND THE MONA LISA, WHICH IS

1000
00:25:37,733 --> 00:25:38,866
TODAY "CONSIDERED ONE OF THE

1001
00:25:38,866 --> 00:25:39,800
BIGGEST DISASTERS IN THE HISTORY

1002
00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:41,933
OF LONDON THEATER."

1003
00:25:41,933 --> 00:25:43,733
"IT CLOSED WITHIN A MONTH"

1004
00:25:43,733 --> 00:25:44,500
AND THE NAURUAN GOVERNMENT

1005
00:25:44,500 --> 00:25:45,033
LOST WHAT WOULD TODAY BE

1006
00:25:45,033 --> 00:25:46,766
$7 MILLION.

1007
00:25:46,866 --> 00:25:48,866
AND YOU MIGHT THINK, "HOW BAD

1008
00:25:48,866 --> 00:25:51,366
COULD THAT MUSICAL BE?"

1009
00:25:51,366 --> 00:25:53,200
WELL, HERE'S AN EXTRACT OF

1010
00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:55,733
A SONG, SUNG BY LEONARDO'S

1011
00:25:55,733 --> 00:25:56,666
MALE LOVER ABOUT HIS JEALOUSY

1012
00:25:56,666 --> 00:25:59,433
OF THE MONA LISA.

1013
00:25:59,433 --> 00:26:00,900
♪ YOUR LIFE WAS A PORTRAIT ♪

1014
00:26:00,900 --> 00:26:04,400
♪ OF LOVE, ♪

1015
00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:08,033
♪ AND I WAS A PART ♪

1016
00:26:08,033 --> 00:26:12,800
♪ BUT SHE WAS THE HEART ♪

1017
00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:19,866
♪ OF YOUR LIFE ♪

1018
00:26:23,533 --> 00:26:24,233
John: LOOK.

1019
00:26:24,233 --> 00:26:25,033
I'M NO SONDHEIM BUT EVEN I KNOW

1020
00:26:25,033 --> 00:26:25,733
A SONG ABOUT THE MONA LISA

1021
00:26:25,733 --> 00:26:26,600
THAT USES THE WORD "PORTRAIT"

1022
00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:27,600
WHILE SOUNDING LIKE "LES MIS"

1023
00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:28,033
ON QUAALUDES HAS GOT

1024
00:26:28,033 --> 00:26:28,533
"HISTORIC BOMB"

1025
00:26:28,533 --> 00:26:32,100
WRITTEN ALL OVER IT.

1026
00:26:32,100 --> 00:26:33,200
AND NOW, NAURU HAS PARTNERED

1027
00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:34,500
WITH BARRON'S METALS COMPANY.

1028
00:26:34,500 --> 00:26:35,333
AND WHILE HE INSISTS,

1029
00:26:35,333 --> 00:26:35,866
"NAURU IS NO ONE'S PUPPET,

1030
00:26:35,866 --> 00:26:37,866
I CAN ASSURE YOU,"

1031
00:26:37,866 --> 00:26:39,700
THERE'S A CLEAR POWER DISPARITY

1032
00:26:39,700 --> 00:26:40,600
BETWEEN AN INTERNATIONAL MINING

1033
00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:41,666
FIRM HOPING TO MAKE BILLIONS

1034
00:26:41,666 --> 00:26:43,366
OF DOLLARS, AND AN

1035
00:26:43,366 --> 00:26:44,100
ENVIRONMENTALLY-RAVAGED ISLAND

1036
00:26:44,100 --> 00:26:45,066
WITH A POPULATION OF JUST 12,000

1037
00:26:45,066 --> 00:26:47,400
PEOPLE.

1038
00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:48,933
AND NAURU'S NOW CLEARING A PATH

1039
00:26:48,933 --> 00:26:49,666
FOR THE METALS COMPANY TO START

1040
00:26:49,666 --> 00:26:52,333
MINING.

1041
00:26:52,333 --> 00:26:53,833
VERY BASICALLY, IT TRIGGERED

1042
00:26:53,933 --> 00:26:55,233
A MECHANISM WHEREBY THE ISA

1043
00:26:55,333 --> 00:26:56,500
MUST START ACCEPTING DEEP-SEA

1044
00:26:56,500 --> 00:26:57,933
MINING APPLICATIONS, EVEN IF

1045
00:26:57,933 --> 00:27:02,100
STANDARDS AREN'T SET.

1046
00:27:02,100 --> 00:27:02,833
AND LATER THIS SUMMER,

1047
00:27:02,833 --> 00:27:03,733
BARRON'S COMPANY PLANS TO SUBMIT

1048
00:27:03,733 --> 00:27:04,900
AN APPLICATION TO BE THE FIRST

1049
00:27:04,900 --> 00:27:07,033
TO ACTUALLY COMMERCIALLY MINE,

1050
00:27:07,033 --> 00:27:08,900
AND HE SEEMS PRETTY CONFIDENT

1051
00:27:08,900 --> 00:27:10,166
IT'S GOING TO BE APPROVED,

1052
00:27:10,166 --> 00:27:11,066
TELLING INVESTORS HE EXPECTS

1053
00:27:11,066 --> 00:27:11,666
TO COMMENCE PRODUCTION AT THE

1054
00:27:11,666 --> 00:27:12,300
END OF THE FIRST QUARTER

1055
00:27:12,300 --> 00:27:15,100
OF 2026.

1056
00:27:15,100 --> 00:27:16,500
AND WITH THE WAY HE'S TALKING,

1057
00:27:16,500 --> 00:27:17,466
IT CAN FEEL LIKE DEEP SEA MINING

1058
00:27:17,466 --> 00:27:19,466
IS A DONE DEAL.

1059
00:27:19,466 --> 00:27:20,333
AND HE SEEMS AWARE OF HOW BAD

1060
00:27:20,333 --> 00:27:23,600
THE OPTICS ARE, BUT DOESN'T SEEM

1061
00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:26,600
THAT TROUBLED BY IT.

1062
00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:28,500
I MEAN, IT IS QUITE SCI-FI,

1063
00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:30,566
AND IF THIS WERE A FILM,

1064
00:27:30,566 --> 00:27:31,100
YOU KNOW, I'M SORRY TO SAY

1065
00:27:31,100 --> 00:27:31,733
YOU'LL PROBABLY BE THE BAD GUY

1066
00:27:31,733 --> 00:27:32,233
IN THIS.

1067
00:27:32,233 --> 00:27:33,233
YOU'D BE THE ONE THAT'S

1068
00:27:33,233 --> 00:27:34,433
EXPLOITING IT, BECAUSE THERE IS

1069
00:27:34,433 --> 00:27:35,366
A SORT OF GUT FEELING THAT WE

1070
00:27:35,366 --> 00:27:37,533
ARE EXPLOITING SOMETHING THAT WE

1071
00:27:37,533 --> 00:27:38,033
SHOULD BE LEAVING ALONE.

1072
00:27:38,033 --> 00:27:39,633
DO YOU KIND OF UNDERSTAND THAT?

1073
00:27:39,633 --> 00:27:41,000
I THINK IT DEPENDS IF YOU'RE

1074
00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:41,600
A GLASS HALF FULL OR A GLASS

1075
00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:42,733
HALF EMPTY PERSON.

1076
00:27:42,733 --> 00:27:44,033
PERSONALLY, I'M A GLASS HALF

1077
00:27:44,033 --> 00:27:45,500
FULL AND I THINK THIS IS THE

1078
00:27:45,500 --> 00:27:51,100
SOLUTION TO THE CLIMATE CRISIS.

1079
00:27:51,100 --> 00:27:51,933
John: BUT HOW IS THAT

1080
00:27:51,933 --> 00:27:53,000
A REASSURING ANSWER?

1081
00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:55,300
IF SOMEONE SAYS "YOU REMIND ME

1082
00:27:55,300 --> 00:27:56,033
OF THE BAD GUYS FROM MOVIES.

1083
00:27:56,033 --> 00:27:56,933
NOT JUST ONE MOVIE, BUT ALL OF

1084
00:27:56,933 --> 00:27:59,566
THEM", I'D HOPE AN ACTUAL

1085
00:27:59,566 --> 00:28:00,500
GOOD GUY WOULD HAVE A MORE

1086
00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:03,900
ROBUST RESPONSE THAN

1087
00:28:03,900 --> 00:28:05,833
"OH, I DUNNO, 6 OF ONE,

1088
00:28:05,833 --> 00:28:06,533
HALF A DOZEN OF THE OTHER,

1089
00:28:06,533 --> 00:28:07,433
I'M AN OPTIMIST!"

1090
00:28:07,433 --> 00:28:07,933
BUT IS ALL OF THIS EVEN

1091
00:28:07,933 --> 00:28:08,733
WORTH IT?

1092
00:28:08,733 --> 00:28:10,566
BARRON WILL SAY THAT IT IS,

1093
00:28:10,566 --> 00:28:11,633
ARGUING IT'S BETTER THAN THE

1094
00:28:11,633 --> 00:28:15,666
ALTERNATIVE-- MINING ON LAND--

1095
00:28:15,666 --> 00:28:16,100
WHICH CAN INDEED DO

1096
00:28:16,100 --> 00:28:16,900
INCREDIBLE DAMAGE.

1097
00:28:16,900 --> 00:28:18,233
THOUGH IT'S WORTH NOTING:

1098
00:28:18,233 --> 00:28:18,800
HISTORY'S SHOWN THAT ONCE WE

1099
00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:19,700
START MINING IN A NEW AREA,

1100
00:28:19,700 --> 00:28:20,666
WE TEND NOT TO STOP EVERYWHERE

1101
00:28:20,666 --> 00:28:21,433
ELSE.

1102
00:28:21,433 --> 00:28:23,233
WE JUST END UP DOING BOTH.

1103
00:28:23,233 --> 00:28:26,266
BUT SETTING ASIDE THE POTENTIAL

1104
00:28:26,266 --> 00:28:27,400
HARM HERE, WHAT'S THE POTENTIAL

1105
00:28:27,400 --> 00:28:27,733
BENEFIT?

1106
00:28:27,733 --> 00:28:28,600
BECAUSE IF THESE NODULES

1107
00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:29,433
REALLY COULD PROVIDE UNLIMITED

1108
00:28:29,433 --> 00:28:30,700
ENERGY FOR BILLIONS OF PEOPLE,

1109
00:28:30,700 --> 00:28:32,200
I'D SAY MAYBE IT IS WORTH

1110
00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:33,766
THINKING ABOUT.

1111
00:28:33,866 --> 00:28:35,366
BUT THE TRUTH IS, THEY MAY NOT

1112
00:28:35,466 --> 00:28:37,066
BE AS CRITICAL FOR OUR CLEAN

1113
00:28:37,066 --> 00:28:39,133
ENERGY FUTURE AS BARRON INSISTS.

1114
00:28:39,133 --> 00:28:40,966
BECAUSE WHILE IT'S TRUE THE

1115
00:28:40,966 --> 00:28:42,366
METALS INSIDE THEM ARE A KEY

1116
00:28:42,366 --> 00:28:44,100
COMPONENT OF BATTERIES NOW,

1117
00:28:44,100 --> 00:28:45,166
"LITHIUM-ION BATTERIES ARE FAST

1118
00:28:45,166 --> 00:28:47,100
BEING REPLACED BY NEW BATTERY

1119
00:28:47,100 --> 00:28:48,100
CHEMISTRIES THAT DON'T REQUIRE

1120
00:28:48,100 --> 00:28:50,200
COBALT OR NICKEL."

1121
00:28:50,200 --> 00:28:51,400
AND WE'RE EVEN STARTING TO SEE

1122
00:28:51,400 --> 00:28:52,933
INNOVATION LIKE THIS:

1123
00:28:52,933 --> 00:28:54,633
LITHIUM BATTERIES NEED

1124
00:28:54,633 --> 00:28:57,100
PRECIOUS MINERALS LIKE COBALT

1125
00:28:57,100 --> 00:28:58,300
AND NICKEL TO WORK, BUT SODIUM

1126
00:28:58,300 --> 00:28:59,100
DOESN'T.

1127
00:28:59,100 --> 00:29:01,700
IT'S FOUND EVERYWHERE.

1128
00:29:01,700 --> 00:29:02,700
IT'S SIMPLY SALT.

1129
00:29:02,700 --> 00:29:03,833
THE WORLD'S LARGEST BATTERY

1130
00:29:03,833 --> 00:29:07,633
MANUFACTURER, CHINESE CATL,

1131
00:29:07,733 --> 00:29:08,966
ALREADY WENT BIG ON SODIUM ION

1132
00:29:09,066 --> 00:29:12,733
TECHNOLOGY IN 2021.

1133
00:29:12,733 --> 00:29:15,033
JUST TWO YEARS LATER, IT WAS

1134
00:29:15,033 --> 00:29:16,733
SUPPLYING CHINESE CARMAKER CHERY

1135
00:29:16,733 --> 00:29:21,433
WITH SALT BATTERIES.

1136
00:29:21,433 --> 00:29:22,233
John: IT'S TRUE,

1137
00:29:22,233 --> 00:29:22,866
THEY'RE STARTING

1138
00:29:22,866 --> 00:29:23,833
TO MAKE CAR BATTERIES OUT OF

1139
00:29:23,833 --> 00:29:24,166
SALT!

1140
00:29:24,166 --> 00:29:24,633
SO MOVE OVER, COCAINE.

1141
00:29:24,633 --> 00:29:25,166
YOU'RE NO LONGER THE MOST

1142
00:29:25,166 --> 00:29:28,000
VALUABLE WHITE POWDER IN TOWN!

1143
00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:29,566
IT'S ALSO WORTH NOTING THAT MANY

1144
00:29:29,566 --> 00:29:30,300
TECH AND CAR COMPANIES,

1145
00:29:30,300 --> 00:29:31,633
INCLUDING THESE, HAVE ALREADY

1146
00:29:31,633 --> 00:29:32,700
PLEDGED NOT TO USE METALS

1147
00:29:32,700 --> 00:29:33,666
EXTRACTED FROM DEEP-SEA MINING

1148
00:29:33,666 --> 00:29:35,300
UNTIL THEY UNDERSTAND THE

1149
00:29:35,300 --> 00:29:36,300
ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT, WHICH,

1150
00:29:36,300 --> 00:29:36,800
AS YOU'VE SEEN, COULD BE

1151
00:29:36,800 --> 00:29:38,633
SIGNIFICANT.

1152
00:29:38,633 --> 00:29:40,000
MEANWHILE, MORE AND MORE

1153
00:29:40,000 --> 00:29:40,900
COUNTRIES ARE CALLING FOR

1154
00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:43,333
A PRECAUTIONARY PAUSE OR

1155
00:29:43,333 --> 00:29:45,333
MORATORIUM ON DEEP SEA MINING.

1156
00:29:45,333 --> 00:29:46,700
AND I'D ARGUE THE U.S.

1157
00:29:46,700 --> 00:29:47,766
SHOULD JOIN THEM.

1158
00:29:47,766 --> 00:29:49,400
ALTHOUGH OUR ARGUMENT WOULD HAVE

1159
00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:51,766
A LOT MORE FORCE IF WE FINALLY

1160
00:29:51,766 --> 00:29:52,566
RATIFIED THE LAW OF THE SEA

1161
00:29:52,566 --> 00:29:53,466
TREATY.

1162
00:29:53,466 --> 00:29:54,200
AND I'M FAR FROM THE FIRST

1163
00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:54,633
PERSON TO SAY THIS.

1164
00:29:54,633 --> 00:29:56,133
LOTS OF ORGANIZATIONS WANT

1165
00:29:56,133 --> 00:29:57,300
THE U.S. TO HAVE A SEAT AT THE

1166
00:29:57,300 --> 00:29:59,400
TABLE, FROM ENVIRONMENTAL GROUPS

1167
00:29:59,400 --> 00:30:00,000
WHO WANT TO USE IT TO PROTECT

1168
00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:00,633
THE OCEAN, TO MINING GROUPS WHO

1169
00:30:00,633 --> 00:30:02,066
WANT TO USE IT TO DO THE EXACT

1170
00:30:02,066 --> 00:30:04,133
OPPOSITE OF THAT.

1171
00:30:04,133 --> 00:30:05,133
BUT PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE AGREES

1172
00:30:05,133 --> 00:30:06,966
WE SHOULD SIGN IT, TO THE POINT

1173
00:30:06,966 --> 00:30:08,333
THAT, IN 2012, THERE WAS A WALL

1174
00:30:08,333 --> 00:30:10,333
STREET JOURNAL OP-ED TITLED

1175
00:30:10,333 --> 00:30:11,366
"TIME TO JOIN THE LAW OF THE SEA

1176
00:30:11,366 --> 00:30:12,733
TREATY," WRITTEN BY FIVE

1177
00:30:12,733 --> 00:30:13,800
SECRETARIES OF STATE INCLUDING

1178
00:30:13,900 --> 00:30:17,833
HENRY KISSINGER.

1179
00:30:17,833 --> 00:30:19,000
MEANING KISSINGER AND I FINALLY

1180
00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:20,533
HAVE ONE THING IN COMMON.

1181
00:30:20,533 --> 00:30:21,866
WELL, TWO THINGS.

1182
00:30:21,866 --> 00:30:23,233
THAT AND OUR SKIN CARE ROUTINE.

1183
00:30:23,233 --> 00:30:25,400
I'M ASSUMING, GIVEN THE RESULTS.

1184
00:30:25,400 --> 00:30:26,733
BUT THAT REALLY IS IT.

1185
00:30:26,733 --> 00:30:27,866
BUT ULTIMATELY, IT'S GOING

1186
00:30:27,866 --> 00:30:28,966
TO TAKE US HAVING THE PATIENCE

1187
00:30:28,966 --> 00:30:30,433
TO WAIT FOR THE SCIENCE ON THIS,

1188
00:30:30,433 --> 00:30:31,600
AND THE DISCIPLINE TO ACTUALLY

1189
00:30:31,600 --> 00:30:33,700
LISTEN TO WHAT IT HAS TO SAY.

1190
00:30:33,700 --> 00:30:35,100
AND I KNOW THAT'S HARD TO DO.

1191
00:30:35,100 --> 00:30:37,300
BECAUSE IT'S SO MUCH EASIER TO

1192
00:30:37,300 --> 00:30:38,666
PULL OUT A ROCK AND CALL IT

1193
00:30:38,666 --> 00:30:40,900
THE SAVIOR OF HUMANITY.

1194
00:30:40,900 --> 00:30:43,466
WATCH, EVEN I CAN DO IT.

1195
00:30:43,466 --> 00:30:44,333
MOTHER NATURE MADE THESE

1196
00:30:44,333 --> 00:30:44,933
NODULES AND SAID

1197
00:30:44,933 --> 00:30:46,166
COME AND GET ME!

1198
00:30:46,166 --> 00:30:46,333
SEE?

1199
00:30:46,333 --> 00:30:46,900
IT'S EASY, BUT THAT DOESN'T

1200
00:30:46,900 --> 00:30:47,466
MAKE IT TRUE.

1201
00:30:47,466 --> 00:30:48,033
ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THIS IS

1202
00:30:48,033 --> 00:30:50,433
ACTUALLY A CHOCOLATE TRUFFLE.

1203
00:30:50,433 --> 00:30:51,833
THE POINT IS: IT'S BEYOND TIME

1204
00:30:51,833 --> 00:30:53,566
THAT WE STOP TREATING THE OCEAN

1205
00:30:53,566 --> 00:30:55,100
AS SOMETHING TO EXPLOIT, AND

1206
00:30:55,100 --> 00:30:56,266
START TREATING IT FOR WHAT IT

1207
00:30:56,266 --> 00:30:57,466
REALLY IS: A MIND-BLOWINGLY

1208
00:30:57,466 --> 00:30:58,733
VAST, VIRTUALLY UNKNOWN WORLD

1209
00:30:58,733 --> 00:31:00,333
WITHIN OUR WORLD.

1210
00:31:00,333 --> 00:31:01,633
ONE FILLED WITH BEAUTY,

1211
00:31:01,633 --> 00:31:03,666
WONDER, AND OF COURSE,

1212
00:31:03,666 --> 00:31:05,066
UNFUCKABLE UGGOS I WOULDN'T

1213
00:31:05,066 --> 00:31:09,066
TOUCH WITH AN OCTOPUS DICK.

1214
00:31:09,066 --> 00:31:14,466
AND NOW THIS.

1215
00:31:14,466 --> 00:31:16,033
Announcer: AND NOW.

1216
00:31:16,033 --> 00:31:18,400
PEOPLE ON TV WANT YOU TO KNOW

1217
00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:19,500
THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER.

1218
00:31:19,500 --> 00:31:23,700
A DONALD DUCK MASCOT MAY SEEM

1219
00:31:23,700 --> 00:31:25,533
SILLY AND TRIVIAL BUT IT'S NO

1220
00:31:25,533 --> 00:31:26,800
LAUGHING MATTER.

1221
00:31:26,800 --> 00:31:29,000
VENERATION OF FEDERAL LAW.

1222
00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:31,766
THIS SEAWEED BLOB HEADING

1223
00:31:31,766 --> 00:31:33,000
TOWARDS FLORIDA IS NO LAUGHING

1224
00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:33,600
MATTER.

1225
00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:37,400
LADIES, A 91 OUR IS NO

1226
00:31:37,400 --> 00:31:38,100
LAUGHING MATTER.

1227
00:31:38,100 --> 00:31:40,933
THIS ISN'T ABOUT SANTA CLAUS

1228
00:31:40,933 --> 00:31:45,666
HO HO HO KIND OF RAIN OR.

1229
00:31:45,666 --> 00:31:48,666
YOU'VE HEARD OF A BARREL FULL

1230
00:31:48,666 --> 00:31:49,266
OF LAUGHS BUT WHAT HAPPENS IF

1231
00:31:49,266 --> 00:31:53,966
YOU CAN'T GET OUT OF THE BARREL.

1232
00:31:54,066 --> 00:31:57,000
HE IS TRAPPED IN THAT WOODEN

1233
00:31:57,000 --> 00:31:57,233
BARREL.

1234
00:31:57,233 --> 00:31:58,600
IT MAY SEEM HUMOROUS BUT IT'S

1235
00:31:58,600 --> 00:31:59,166
NO LAUGHING MATTER.

1236
00:31:59,166 --> 00:32:02,733
THE WATER TOWERS LOSING CLOSE TO

1237
00:32:02,733 --> 00:32:04,000
30,000 GALLONS EVERYTHING A DAY.

1238
00:32:04,000 --> 00:32:06,633
IT DOES SEEM HUMOROUS.

1239
00:32:06,633 --> 00:32:07,833
HEALTH OFFICIAL DRESSING UP

1240
00:32:07,833 --> 00:32:09,900
AS A CLOWN FOR A NEWS CONFERENCE

1241
00:32:09,900 --> 00:32:11,566
AND ENDED UP BEING NO LAUGHING

1242
00:32:11,566 --> 00:32:11,800
MATTER.

1243
00:32:11,800 --> 00:32:15,700
AS OF TODAY THERE HAVE BEEN

1244
00:32:15,700 --> 00:32:17,900
38,160 CASES OF COVID-19 IN

1245
00:32:17,900 --> 00:32:19,433
OREGON WITH 390 NEW CASES BEING

1246
00:32:19,433 --> 00:32:20,766
REPORTED TODAY.

1247
00:32:20,766 --> 00:32:24,400
SADLY, WE ARE ALSO REPORTING

1248
00:32:24,400 --> 00:32:26,000
THREE DEATHS TODAY, BRINGING THE

1249
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:27,633
STATEWIDE TOTAL FOR COVID-19

1250
00:32:27,733 --> 00:32:31,733
RELATED DEATHS TO 608.

1251
00:32:31,733 --> 00:32:32,633
John: MOVING ON.

1252
00:32:32,633 --> 00:32:34,466
BEFORE WE GO, A QUICK UPDATE ON

1253
00:32:34,466 --> 00:32:34,766
RED LOBSTER.

1254
00:32:34,766 --> 00:32:35,633
LAST WEEK, WE TALKED ABOUT ITS

1255
00:32:35,633 --> 00:32:36,600
RECENT BANKRUPTCY FILING, AND

1256
00:32:36,600 --> 00:32:37,866
REVEALED THAT WE WON AN AUCTION

1257
00:32:37,866 --> 00:32:39,133
FOR THE ENTIRE CONTENTS OF

1258
00:32:39,133 --> 00:32:40,266
THIS RED LOBSTER IN KINGSTON,

1259
00:32:40,266 --> 00:32:42,400
NEW YORK, WHICH WE THEN REBUILT

1260
00:32:42,400 --> 00:32:43,166
IN THIS STUDIO, BUT ONLY SERVING

1261
00:32:43,166 --> 00:32:44,100
CHEDDAR BAY BISCUITS.

1262
00:32:44,100 --> 00:32:46,600
IT WAS ALL IN GOOD FUN, BUT IT

1263
00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:47,933
TURNS OUT, SOMEONE FROM KINGSTON

1264
00:32:47,933 --> 00:32:48,566
WASN'T TOO THRILLED ABOUT WHAT

1265
00:32:48,566 --> 00:32:49,933
WE DID.

1266
00:32:49,933 --> 00:32:52,366
AN ULSTER COUNTY RESTAURANT

1267
00:32:52,366 --> 00:32:54,433
OWNER HAS BEEF WITH A POPULAR

1268
00:32:54,433 --> 00:32:56,200
HBO SHOW HOST OVER RED LOBSTER.

1269
00:32:56,200 --> 00:32:57,666
HE SAYS THAT JOHN OLIVER,

1270
00:32:57,666 --> 00:32:59,933
HOST OF "LAST WEEK TONIGHT,"

1271
00:32:59,933 --> 00:33:01,066
SNATCHED UP SOME EQUIPMENT

1272
00:33:01,166 --> 00:33:03,233
FROM A NOW-CLOSED RED LOBSTER

1273
00:33:03,233 --> 00:33:04,233
THAT THE RESTAURANT OWNER

1274
00:33:04,233 --> 00:33:05,533
WAS TRYING TO BUY.

1275
00:33:05,533 --> 00:33:06,633
John: OKAY, LET ME STOP YOU

1276
00:33:06,633 --> 00:33:10,233
THERE.

1277
00:33:10,233 --> 00:33:12,966
"POPULAR HBO HOST"?

1278
00:33:12,966 --> 00:33:13,833
OH, MY GOD, STOP!

1279
00:33:13,833 --> 00:33:17,600
STOP IT!

1280
00:33:17,600 --> 00:33:19,600
POPULAR?

1281
00:33:19,600 --> 00:33:20,433
COME ON!

1282
00:33:20,433 --> 00:33:25,900
STOP!

1283
00:33:25,900 --> 00:33:26,566
BUT I'M SORRY.

1284
00:33:26,566 --> 00:33:28,233
YOU WERE SAYING?

1285
00:33:28,233 --> 00:33:31,633
THE OWNER OF DESING'S BAKERY

1286
00:33:31,633 --> 00:33:33,466
AND RESTAURANT TELLS ME THAT

1287
00:33:33,466 --> 00:33:34,100
COMEDIAN JOHN OLIVER

1288
00:33:34,200 --> 00:33:35,000
ATE HIS LUNCH.

1289
00:33:35,100 --> 00:33:35,766
ONCE ERIC DEISING HEARD A NEARBY

1290
00:33:35,866 --> 00:33:36,433
RED LOBSTER WAS CLOSING, HE SAW

1291
00:33:36,433 --> 00:33:37,033
AN OPPORTUNITY TO UPGRADE HIS

1292
00:33:37,033 --> 00:33:37,900
BUSINESS.

1293
00:33:37,900 --> 00:33:39,966
HE DROPPED OFF THIS NOTE.

1294
00:33:39,966 --> 00:33:41,333
"I NEED A 36-INCH FLAT TOP

1295
00:33:41,333 --> 00:33:43,066
OVEN/GRILL AND A COMMERCIAL

1296
00:33:43,066 --> 00:33:43,566
KITCHEN CONVECTION OVEN

1297
00:33:43,566 --> 00:33:45,566
IF YOU HAVE THEM."

1298
00:33:45,566 --> 00:33:46,466
IF THIS RED LOBSTER DID HAVE

1299
00:33:46,466 --> 00:33:48,633
THE ITEMS ERIC DEISING WAS

1300
00:33:48,633 --> 00:33:49,266
SEEKING, WE KNOW WHERE THEY ARE

1301
00:33:49,266 --> 00:33:49,833
NOW.

1302
00:33:49,833 --> 00:33:50,400
I WAS LOOKING FOR A PIECE

1303
00:33:50,400 --> 00:33:51,933
OF EQUIPMENT.

1304
00:33:51,933 --> 00:33:52,566
IF YOU DON'T NEED THAT, BECAUSE

1305
00:33:52,566 --> 00:33:53,433
I DON'T THINK YOU NEED IT

1306
00:33:53,433 --> 00:33:54,966
FOR BISCUITS, LET ME KNOW.

1307
00:33:54,966 --> 00:33:55,433
John: OKAY, FIRST,

1308
00:33:55,433 --> 00:33:56,433
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,

1309
00:33:56,433 --> 00:33:57,300
IF YOU WANTED EQUIPMENT

1310
00:33:57,300 --> 00:33:57,900
FROM THAT RED LOBSTER, LEAVING

1311
00:33:57,900 --> 00:33:58,333
A NOTE ON THE DOOR

1312
00:33:58,333 --> 00:34:00,600
IS A WEIRD WAY TO GET IT.

1313
00:34:00,600 --> 00:34:02,533
THE RESTAURANT CLOSED DOWN.

1314
00:34:02,533 --> 00:34:03,466
THAT'S LIKE GOING TO A CEMETERY

1315
00:34:03,466 --> 00:34:04,166
AND LEAVING A NOTE ON A

1316
00:34:04,166 --> 00:34:05,233
TOMBSTONE THAT SAYS,

1317
00:34:05,233 --> 00:34:08,300
HEY, CAN I HAVE YOUR SOCKS?"

1318
00:34:08,400 --> 00:34:09,600
THOUGH I LOVE THAT HE'S WATCHING

1319
00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:10,866
OUR SHOW THE SAME WAY EVERYONE

1320
00:34:10,866 --> 00:34:11,600
ELSE DOES: ON A PHONE

1321
00:34:11,600 --> 00:34:12,833
IN THE MIDDLE OF A WORK DAY

1322
00:34:12,833 --> 00:34:13,466
WITHOUT EVEN A HINT OF ENJOYMENT

1323
00:34:13,466 --> 00:34:16,233
ON HIS FACE.

1324
00:34:16,233 --> 00:34:16,800
BUT HE WASN'T THE ONLY ONE

1325
00:34:16,800 --> 00:34:17,866
ANNOYED WITH US.

1326
00:34:17,866 --> 00:34:19,800
APPARENTLY THAT RED LOBSTER'S

1327
00:34:19,800 --> 00:34:21,366
TECHNICALLY JUST OUTSIDE

1328
00:34:21,366 --> 00:34:23,500
KINGSTON, IN ULSTER, NEW YORK,

1329
00:34:23,500 --> 00:34:24,433
AND A SPOKESPERSON FOR THEIR

1330
00:34:24,433 --> 00:34:25,833
TOWN SUPERVISOR TOLD A REPORTER,

1331
00:34:25,833 --> 00:34:27,200
"IF HE BOUGHT EVERYTHING

1332
00:34:27,200 --> 00:34:28,333
FROM THE KINGSTON LOCATION,

1333
00:34:28,333 --> 00:34:29,433
HE HAS NOTHING, BECAUSE THE

1334
00:34:29,433 --> 00:34:30,466
RED LOBSTER IS IN THE TOWN OF

1335
00:34:30,466 --> 00:34:32,133
ULSTER."

1336
00:34:32,133 --> 00:34:33,000
AND LET ME JUST SAY:

1337
00:34:33,000 --> 00:34:35,200
I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE.

1338
00:34:35,200 --> 00:34:36,100
ALTHOUGH, IN MY DEFENSE, I'M NOT

1339
00:34:36,100 --> 00:34:36,633
THE ONLY ONE WHO THOUGHT

1340
00:34:36,633 --> 00:34:38,300
THAT RED LOBSTER

1341
00:34:38,300 --> 00:34:39,133
WAS IN KINGSTON.

1342
00:34:39,133 --> 00:34:40,333
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE DID?

1343
00:34:40,433 --> 00:34:42,900
GOOGLE MAPS, YELP, FACEBOOK,

1344
00:34:42,900 --> 00:34:44,000
RED LOBSTER'S OWN WEBSITE,

1345
00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:45,033
AND EVEN, BY THE WAY,

1346
00:34:45,033 --> 00:34:47,366
THE ULSTER COUNTY TOURISM

1347
00:34:47,366 --> 00:34:47,833
WEBSITE.

1348
00:34:47,833 --> 00:34:49,200
STILL, I DO APOLOGIZE.

1349
00:34:49,200 --> 00:34:50,000
I CERTAINLY WOULDN'T WANT

1350
00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:51,300
TO TAKE THE GREAT HONOR

1351
00:34:51,300 --> 00:34:53,366
OF HAVING A CLOSED-DOWN

1352
00:34:53,366 --> 00:34:55,400
RED LOBSTER AWAY FROM YOU.

1353
00:34:55,400 --> 00:34:58,933
AND I WILL SAY THE LOCAL NEWS

1354
00:34:58,933 --> 00:34:59,933
DID GENEROUSLY POINT OUT THAT

1355
00:34:59,933 --> 00:35:00,500
FIGHTS LIKE THIS REALLY ARE

1356
00:35:00,500 --> 00:35:01,866
WHAT WE DO BEST HERE.

1357
00:35:01,866 --> 00:35:03,333
OLIVER'S KNOWN FOR THIS

1358
00:35:03,333 --> 00:35:03,866
KIND OF THING.

1359
00:35:03,866 --> 00:35:04,466
FIGHTING WITH SOME ZIP CODE

1360
00:35:04,466 --> 00:35:05,200
IN CONNECTICUT.

1361
00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:06,900
HE ONCE STARTED A FAKE FIGHT

1362
00:35:06,900 --> 00:35:07,533
WITH THE ENTIRE CITY OF DANBURY,

1363
00:35:07,533 --> 00:35:08,600
CONNECTICUT, EVENTUALLY LEADING

1364
00:35:08,600 --> 00:35:11,066
THE LOCAL SEWAGE PLANT TO BE

1365
00:35:11,066 --> 00:35:11,433
NAMED AFTER HIM.

1366
00:35:11,433 --> 00:35:11,966
SO WHAT'S GOING TO BE THE

1367
00:35:11,966 --> 00:35:12,833
FALLOUT FROM THE RED LOBSTER

1368
00:35:12,833 --> 00:35:14,333
SEGMENT?

1369
00:35:14,433 --> 00:35:16,200
John: OKAY, FIRST,

1370
00:35:16,200 --> 00:35:16,766
THAT WASN'T A "FAKE FIGHT".

1371
00:35:16,766 --> 00:35:17,433
THAT WAS THE REALEST FIGHT

1372
00:35:17,433 --> 00:35:19,233
OF MY LIFE.

1373
00:35:19,233 --> 00:35:20,166
ALSO, I STARTED THAT FIGHT

1374
00:35:20,166 --> 00:35:20,766
WITH DANBURY IN THE MIDDLE OF

1375
00:35:20,766 --> 00:35:24,033
THE PANDEMIC.

1376
00:35:24,033 --> 00:35:24,633
AND IT WAS A VERY WEIRD TIME.

1377
00:35:24,633 --> 00:35:25,066
SOME OF US GOT INTO

1378
00:35:25,066 --> 00:35:25,633
CROSS-STITCH, SOME GOT INTO

1379
00:35:25,633 --> 00:35:26,700
"ANIMAL CROSSING."

1380
00:35:26,700 --> 00:35:27,600
AND YES, SOME OF US PICKED

1381
00:35:27,600 --> 00:35:28,633
A FIGHT WITH A CONNECTICUT TOWN,

1382
00:35:28,633 --> 00:35:29,200
EVENTUALLY SHOWING UP THERE

1383
00:35:29,200 --> 00:35:30,766
WEARING THE HAZMAT SUIT

1384
00:35:30,766 --> 00:35:31,600
FROM "CONTAGION" TO DEDICATE

1385
00:35:31,600 --> 00:35:35,000
A SEWAGE PLANT IN OUR MEMORY.

1386
00:35:35,000 --> 00:35:35,633
THOUGH, IT'S WORTH POINTING OUT,

1387
00:35:35,633 --> 00:35:36,400
DURING LOCKDOWN I ALSO BOUGHT

1388
00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:37,766
A RAT EROTICA PAINTING

1389
00:35:37,766 --> 00:35:39,233
FROM 1992, SPONSORED A MARBLE

1390
00:35:39,233 --> 00:35:40,933
RACING LEAGUE,

1391
00:35:40,933 --> 00:35:41,666
AND SEXUALLY HARASSED

1392
00:35:41,666 --> 00:35:42,233
ADAM DRIVER FOR EIGHT

1393
00:35:42,233 --> 00:35:43,933
SOLID MONTHS.

1394
00:35:43,933 --> 00:35:45,466
SO, FIGHTING WITH DANBURY

1395
00:35:45,466 --> 00:35:46,333
MIGHT'VE BEEN THE FOURTH

1396
00:35:46,333 --> 00:35:46,900
WEIRDEST THING I DID DURING

1397
00:35:46,900 --> 00:35:48,333
THE PANDEMIC.

1398
00:35:48,433 --> 00:35:49,166
AND TO BE HONEST, WE WERE GOING

1399
00:35:49,266 --> 00:35:51,000
TO IGNORE THIS.

1400
00:35:51,000 --> 00:35:52,300
BUT THEN WE TOOK A LOOK

1401
00:35:52,300 --> 00:35:53,533
AT ONLINE REVIEWS OF

1402
00:35:53,533 --> 00:35:54,566
THAT GUY'S BAKERY, AND HONESTLY,

1403
00:35:54,566 --> 00:35:56,100
IT LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.

1404
00:35:56,100 --> 00:35:57,366
THEY DO LOTS OF THEMED

1405
00:35:57,366 --> 00:35:58,233
BAKED GOODS.

1406
00:35:58,233 --> 00:35:58,833
FOR GROUNDHOG DAY, THEY SELL

1407
00:35:58,833 --> 00:36:00,100
THESE ADORABLE LITTLE

1408
00:36:00,100 --> 00:36:01,900
GROUNDHOG CAKES.

1409
00:36:01,900 --> 00:36:03,566
AND FOR ST. PATRICK'S DAY,

1410
00:36:03,566 --> 00:36:05,200
THEY MADE THESE MONSTROSITIES,

1411
00:36:05,200 --> 00:36:06,766
TO WHICH SOMEONE ON FACEBOOK

1412
00:36:06,766 --> 00:36:07,266
ASKED THE UNDERSTANDABLE

1413
00:36:07,266 --> 00:36:09,900
QUESTION "WHAT ARE THESE?"

1414
00:36:09,900 --> 00:36:10,766
AND I'LL TELL YOU EXACTLY

1415
00:36:10,766 --> 00:36:12,033
WHAT THEY ARE.

1416
00:36:12,033 --> 00:36:13,266
THAT'S ACTUALLY SAINT PATRICK.

1417
00:36:13,266 --> 00:36:14,633
MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THIS,

1418
00:36:14,633 --> 00:36:16,766
BUT THIS IS WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE

1419
00:36:16,766 --> 00:36:17,866
BACK WHEN HE WAS A MISSIONARY

1420
00:36:17,866 --> 00:36:19,166
IN THE 5TH CENTURY.

1421
00:36:19,166 --> 00:36:20,000
SO THAT CAKE IS AN EXTREMELY

1422
00:36:20,000 --> 00:36:22,733
ACCURATE AND FAITHFUL DEPICTION.

1423
00:36:22,833 --> 00:36:24,066
BUT MY FAVORITE REVIEW ON YELP

1424
00:36:24,066 --> 00:36:24,566
SAYS, "YOU LIKE BURGERS?

1425
00:36:24,566 --> 00:36:26,166
GREAT!

1426
00:36:26,166 --> 00:36:26,800
YOU LIKE ONION RING

1427
00:36:26,800 --> 00:36:27,333
AND FRENCH FRIES?

1428
00:36:27,333 --> 00:36:27,700
GREAT!

1429
00:36:27,700 --> 00:36:28,100
YOU LIKE PANCAKES?

1430
00:36:28,100 --> 00:36:29,500
GREAT!

1431
00:36:29,500 --> 00:36:30,466
YOU LIKE CAKE BEARS?

1432
00:36:30,466 --> 00:36:31,533
GREAT!"

1433
00:36:31,533 --> 00:36:32,900
ALONG WITH THIS PHOTO

1434
00:36:32,900 --> 00:36:34,633
OF A CAKE BEAR.

1435
00:36:34,633 --> 00:36:35,833
AND I'M SORRY, BUT I DON'T LIKE

1436
00:36:35,833 --> 00:36:37,600
CAKE BEARS.

1437
00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:39,333
I FUCKING LOVE CAKE BEARS.

1438
00:36:39,333 --> 00:36:40,200
I WANT ONE RIGHT NOW,

1439
00:36:40,200 --> 00:36:41,233
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

1440
00:36:41,233 --> 00:36:47,466
I'M GONNA EAT IT ASS FIRST.

1441
00:36:47,466 --> 00:36:48,433
WHAT ELSE ARE YOU GONNA DO?

1442
00:36:48,433 --> 00:36:49,233
WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA START

1443
00:36:49,233 --> 00:36:49,833
FROM THE HEAD LIKE A MONSTER?

1444
00:36:49,833 --> 00:36:51,133
HAVE SOME CLASS!

1445
00:36:51,133 --> 00:36:51,733
ALSO, RESPECTFULLY, CHECK OUT

1446
00:36:51,733 --> 00:36:52,333
THE DONK ON THAT CAKE BEAR.

1447
00:36:52,333 --> 00:36:53,500
THAT CAKE'S GOT CAKES.

1448
00:36:53,500 --> 00:36:54,300
IT'S DRAGGIN' A WAGON,

1449
00:36:54,400 --> 00:36:56,566
AND I WANT TO HOP ON BOARD.

1450
00:36:56,566 --> 00:36:58,433
BUT LOOK, DEISING'S BAKERY,

1451
00:36:58,433 --> 00:36:59,900
I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS.

1452
00:36:59,900 --> 00:37:01,300
THE BAD NEWS IS, WE ACTUALLY

1453
00:37:01,300 --> 00:37:02,133
ALREADY DONATED THE RED LOBSTER

1454
00:37:02,133 --> 00:37:03,633
KITCHEN EQUIPMENT.

1455
00:37:03,633 --> 00:37:04,966
AND EVEN IF WE HADN'T, IT DIDN'T

1456
00:37:04,966 --> 00:37:07,633
HAVE THE "36 INCH FLATTOP

1457
00:37:07,633 --> 00:37:08,433
OVEN/GRILL OR KITCHEN

1458
00:37:08,433 --> 00:37:09,600
CONVECTION OVEN" YOU WERE

1459
00:37:09,600 --> 00:37:11,333
LOOKING FOR.

1460
00:37:11,333 --> 00:37:12,066
THE GOOD NEWS IS, WE'RE WILLING

1461
00:37:12,066 --> 00:37:13,400
TO BUY THOSE ITEMS FOR YOU

1462
00:37:13,400 --> 00:37:15,166
ON ONE CONDITION.

1463
00:37:15,166 --> 00:37:16,866
ALL I WANT IN RETURN IS A BAKED

1464
00:37:16,866 --> 00:37:17,900
GOOD WITH MY FACE ON IT ON SALE

1465
00:37:17,900 --> 00:37:20,633
IN YOUR BAKERY.

1466
00:37:20,633 --> 00:37:21,433
SPECIFICALLY A CAKE BEAR

1467
00:37:21,433 --> 00:37:22,533
WITH MY FACE ON IT.

1468
00:37:22,533 --> 00:37:24,133
I WANT TO BE A CAKE BEAR.

1469
00:37:24,133 --> 00:37:25,033
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO GIVE ME

1470
00:37:25,033 --> 00:37:25,633
AS MUCH ASS AS YOU GAVE THAT

1471
00:37:25,633 --> 00:37:27,500
CAKE BEAR.

1472
00:37:27,600 --> 00:37:28,366
I MEAN, IT'D BE NICE CONSIDERING

1473
00:37:28,466 --> 00:37:29,666
WE'RE LITERALLY BUYING KITCHEN

1474
00:37:29,666 --> 00:37:30,766
EQUIPMENT FOR YOU AND IT'S CLEAR

1475
00:37:30,766 --> 00:37:31,866
YOU HAVE THE SKILL TO DO IT.

1476
00:37:31,866 --> 00:37:32,333
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

1477
00:37:32,333 --> 00:37:34,233
I TRUST YOUR VISION.

1478
00:37:34,233 --> 00:37:35,966
AS LONG AS IT FITS THE GENERAL

1479
00:37:35,966 --> 00:37:37,333
DESCRIPTION OF "JOHN OLIVER CAKE

1480
00:37:37,333 --> 00:37:39,900
BEAR," I'LL BE MORE THAN HAPPY.

1481
00:37:39,900 --> 00:37:41,000
SO THAT'S MY OFFER.

1482
00:37:41,000 --> 00:37:42,700
AND BECAUSE I KNOW THE NORMAL

1483
00:37:42,700 --> 00:37:43,500
WAY OF ASKING FOR THINGS ISN'T

1484
00:37:43,500 --> 00:37:44,933
REALLY YOUR STYLE, I'VE WRITTEN

1485
00:37:44,933 --> 00:37:46,500
THIS OFFER ON A PIECE OF PAPER

1486
00:37:46,500 --> 00:37:47,500
LIKE THIS, THAT'S CURRENTLY

1487
00:37:47,500 --> 00:37:48,233
TAPED TO THE DOOR OF YOUR

1488
00:37:48,233 --> 00:37:50,166
BAKERY.

1489
00:37:50,166 --> 00:37:54,566
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?

1490
00:37:54,566 --> 00:37:56,633
PLEASE SAY YES!

1491
00:37:56,633 --> 00:38:01,933
PLEASE DO SAY YES!

1492
00:38:02,033 --> 00:38:02,666
WE'VE ALREADY BOUGHT THE

1493
00:38:02,666 --> 00:38:03,433
EQUIPMENT.

1494
00:38:03,433 --> 00:38:04,400
IT'S RIGHT HERE WAITING TO BE

1495
00:38:04,400 --> 00:38:07,266
DELIVERED TO YOU.

1496
00:38:07,266 --> 00:38:07,900
AND JUST LOOK AT THIS CONVECTION

1497
00:38:07,900 --> 00:38:08,533
OVEN.

1498
00:38:08,533 --> 00:38:09,266
IT'S RARING TO DO SOME

1499
00:38:09,266 --> 00:38:09,966
CONVECTING.

1500
00:38:09,966 --> 00:38:10,533
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SIMPLY

1501
00:38:10,533 --> 00:38:13,066
START SELLING JOHN OLIVER CAKE

1502
00:38:13,066 --> 00:38:14,500
BEARS, AND ALL OF THIS IS YOURS.

1503
00:38:14,500 --> 00:38:15,033
THE BEAR IS IN YOUR COURT,

1504
00:38:15,033 --> 00:38:18,033
DIESING'S BAKERY.

1505
00:38:18,033 --> 00:38:18,833
THAT IS OUR SHOW!

1506
00:38:18,833 --> 00:38:20,000
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING!

1507
00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:20,533
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

1508
00:38:20,533 --> 00:38:24,400
GOOD NIGHT!

1509
00:38:24,400 --> 00:38:28,033
MAKE ME A CAKE BEAR.

1510
00:38:28,033 --> 00:38:42,100
I WANT TO BE A CAKE BEAR.