♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"
I'M JOHN OLIVER, THANKS FOR
JOINING US.
IT'S BEEN A BUSY WEEK.
BIDEN MET WITH XI JINPING, KING
CHARLES CELEBRATED HIS 75TH
BIRTHDAY WHILE LOOKING AT LEAST
97, AND GEORGE SANTOS ANNOUNCED
HE WOULDN'T BE SEEKING
RE-ELECTION AFTER AN ETHICS
COMMITTEE REPORT HE DISPUTES
FOUND -- AMONG OTHER THINGS --
HE'D USED CAMPAIGN DONATIONS FOR
PERSONAL PURCHASES ON BOTOX,
SEPHORA, AND ONLYFANS.
AND HONESTLY?
I LIKE HIM NOW, AND I THINK HE
SHOULD STAY.
MEANWHILE, ISRAEL'S AIRSTRIKES
AND GROUND INVASION CONTINUED IN
GAZA, AND THE DISCOURSE ON IT
HERE REACHED ITS ABSOLUTE NADIR
WHEN FOX BUSINESS WELCOMED FABIO
FOR A 10-MINUTE INTERVIEW ON THE
SUBJECT, INCLUDING THIS WILD
DIGRESSION CONCERNING HAMAS.
>> THESE PEOPLE, THEY FIND SO
MUCH PLEASURE TO KILL, JUST THE
WORST.
10,000 TIMES WORSE THAN THE
NAZIS, YOU KNOW?
AND ALSO, THEY ADVERTISE, THEY
PUBLICIZE, THEY ARE SO HAPPY,
"HEY, I KILLED 10 JEW, I DID
THAT" -- YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE, AT
LEAST THE NAZIS, THEY KEPT IT
KIND OF QUIET.
>> John: HOLD ON, FABIO.
FAR BE IT FOR ME TO CONTRADICT A
NOTED GEOPOLITICAL EXPERT AND
FORMER "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT
BUTTER" SPOKESPERSON, BUT -- "AT
LEAST THE NAZIS KEPT IT KIND OF
QUIET?"
THE NAZIS KEPT IT MANY THINGS.
THEY KEPT IT PUNCTUAL.
THEY KEPT IT BLONDE.
THEY KEPT IT HUMORLESS.
AND YES, THEY KEPT IT TIGHT.
THEY WERE WELL-TAILORED PIECES
OF SHIT.
BUT SUBTLETY WAS -- FAMOUSLY --
NOT THEIR CALLING CARD, FABIO.
BUT, WE'RE GOING TO FOCUS ON
CONGRESS, WHICH BEFORE RECESSING
THIS WEEK PASSED A CONTINUING
RESOLUTION "TO KEEP THE
GOVERNMENT OPEN" INTO THE NEW
YEAR.
BUT, IN THE RUNUP, THINGS GOT
PRETTY WEIRD.
FIRST, THERE WAS A TENSE
CONFRONTATION BETWEEN OKLAHOMA
SENATOR MARKWAYNE MULLIN, AND
THE HEAD OF THE TEAMSTERS, SEAN
O'BRIEN.
THEY'D GONE BACK AND FORTH
ONLINE A FEW MONTHS AGO, WITH
O'BRIEN SAYING, "QUIT THE TOUGH
GUY ACT IN THESE SENATE
HEARINGS.
YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME.
ANYPLACE, ANYTIME COWBOY.
#LittleManSyndrome," WITH AN
IMAGE OF MULLIN STANDING ON A
BOX AT A DEBATE.
WELL, THIS WEEK, MULLIN ANSWERED
THAT CHALLENGE.
>> SIR, THIS IS A TIME, THIS IS
A PLACE.
IF YOU WANT TO RUN YOUR MOUTH,
WE CAN BE TWO CONSENTING ADULTS,
WE CAN FINISH IT HERE.
>> OKAY, THAT'S FINE, PERFECT.
>> YOU WANT TO DO IT NOW?
>> I'D LOVE TO DO IT RIGHT NOW.
>> WELL STAND YOUR BUTT UP THEN.
>> YOU STAND YOUR BUTT UP.
[CROSSTALK]
>> STOP IT, STOP IT.
SIT DOWN -- YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A
UNITED STATES SENATOR.
>> John: THAT VOICE WAS BERNIE
SANDERS, AND RESPECTFULLY
BERNIE, SHUT UP.
I MEAN, IT IS NICE TO HEAR YOU
CALL FOR A CEASEFIRE -- A LOT OF
US THOUGHT YOU'D FORGOTTEN HOW
TO DO THAT --
BUT SHUT UP.
I WANT TO SEE ANABOLIC JIM
HALPERT GET HIS ASS HANDED TO
HIM.
BECAUSE, DO YOU KNOW WHO SEAN
O'BRIEN IS?
HE'S A FOURTH GENERATION BOSTON
TEAMSTER.
HE BASICALLY CAME OUT OF THE
WOMB WEARING BRASS KNUCKLES.
I WANT TO SEE SENATOR ANGER
MANAGEMENT GET HIS JOCK ROCKED
BY BEANTOWN'S MR. CLEAN.
THAT'S WHAT I WANT!
AND, WHILE BERNIE DID STOP THE
FIGHTING, HE COULDN'T STOP THE
PETTINESS.
>> HE MADE A LOT OF STATEMENTS,
RIGHT?
AND, HIS STATEMENTS ARE FICTION,
AT BEST.
>> FICTION?
I READ 'EM!
>> [MOCKING NOISE]
WHAT?
>> ANSWER THE QUESTION, PLEASE.
>> I CAN'T UNDERSTAND HIM, TO BE
HONEST WITH YOU.
>> John: THAT'S SO CHILDISH,
IT'S ACTUALLY BRILLIANT.
O'BRIEN'S GOT THE DEMEANOR OF A
MOB BOSS, THE BODY OF A FIRE
HYDRANT, AND THE INSULTS OF A
FIVE YEAR OLD.
AND AMAZINGLY, IT STILL WASN'T
OVER.
BECAUSE, MULLIN ACTUALLY
CHALLENGED O'BRIEN TO A CHARITY
FIGHT, AND LATER SAID THIS.
>> I'M NOT AFRAID OF BITING.
I WILL BITE.
>> BITING?
>> IF I'M IN A FIGHT, I'M GOING
TO BITE, I'LL DO ANYTHING.
I MEAN, I'M NOT ABOVE IT.
AND, I DON'T CARE WHERE I BITE,
BY THE WAY.
IT JUST IS GONNA BE A BITE.
>> John: YOU DON'T CARE WHERE
YOU BITE?
THERE'S SIMPLY NO OTHER WAY TO
INTERPRET THAT THAN MULLIN'S
GOING TO BITE HIM IN THE DICK.
AND, HOW IS THAT TOUGH-GUY
BEHAVIOR?
"WATCH OUT, HE BITES," ISN'T
WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT A SENATOR WHO
EVERYONE RESPECTS: IT'S WHAT YOU
SAY ABOUT A 3-YEAR-OLD NAMED
DYLAN AFTER HE'S HAD TWO CAPRI
SUNS.
AND, THAT WASN'T CONGRESS'S ONLY
FIGHT THIS WEEK.
KEVIN MCCARTHY ALLEGEDLY ELBOWED
TENNESSEE REPRESENTATIVE TIM
BURCHETT IN THE BACK, WITH
BURCHETT LATER RESPONDING, "I
PRAYED FOR HIM THIS MORNING,
BECAUSE I KNOW HE'S HURTING,"
WHICH WE ALL KNOW IS SOUTHERN
FOR "I HOPE THAT SHITBAG SITS ON
A NAIL."
AND, IN A HOUSE HEARING,
KENTUCKY REP. JAMES COMER GOT
INTO AN ARGUMENT WITH FLORIDA
REP. JARED MOSKOWITZ, IN THE
COURSE OF WHICH COMER DROPPED A
WEIRDLY SPECIFIC INSULT.
>> YOU ALL CONTINUE -- YOU LOOK
LIKE A SMURF HERE JUST GOIN'
AROUND AND ALL THIS STUFF.
>> MR. CHAIRMAN, YOU HAVE -- NO
-- HOLD ON -- IF WE'RE NOT ON
TIME --
>> YOU CONTINUE TO SPEW
DISINFORMATION.
>> John: NOW, YOU MIGHT THINK
IT'S COMPLETELY UNCALLED FOR:
FOR AN ELECTED REPRESENTATIVE TO
CALL A FELLOW CONGRESSMAN A
SMURF.
IN COMER'S DEFENSE, THIS IS HOW
MOSKOWITZ WAS DRESSED THAT DAY.
AND, I HATE TO SAY HE WAS ASKING
FOR IT, BUT HE WAS KIND OF
ASKING FOR IT.
THERE'S NO REASON FOR YOU TO
DRESS IN ALL BLUE UNLESS YOU
"WANT" TO BE CALLED A SMURF, OR
MAYBE YOU'RE THE SPECIAL GUEST
AT A J.CREW SPONSORED GENDER
REVEAL.
MOSKOWITZ HIT BACK BY POSTING,
"GARGAMEL WAS VERY ANGRY TODAY,"
WHICH, I'LL BE HONEST, IS
EXACTLY WHAT A SMURF WOULD SAY.
AND, CNN'S ANALYSIS OF THE
BACK-AND-FORTH CONTAINED THE
AMAZING SENTENCE, "FOR THE MANY
NON-AFFICIONADOS OF THE ANIMATED
SERIES, GARGAMEL WAS AN EVIL
WIZARD WHO HUNTED SMURFS FOR
FUN," WHICH -- I'M SORRY, CNN --
IS AN INSULTINGLY REDUCTIVE
MISINTERPRETATION OF GARGAMEL'S
MOTIVATIONS.
FOR THE RECORD, GARGAMEL DOESN'T
"HUNT" SMURFS: HE KIDNAPS THEM
IN ORDER TO EAT THEM OR TURN
THEM INTO GOLD.
AND, IT'S NOT FOR FUN.
IT IS TO SEEK REVENGE AFTER THE
SMURFS NOT ONLY DEFEATED HIM,
BUT SUBJECTED HIM TO CRUEL
HUMILIATION IN 1961'S "THE
SMURFNAPPER," OR "LE VOLEUR DE
SCHTROUMPF," IN WHICH THE SMURFS
TRICKED HIM INTO DRINKING A
POTION THAT SHRANK HIM TO THE
SIZE OF A SMURF.
AND, CNN'S EXCLUSION OF THAT
BACKSTORY IS, FRANKLY, WHY
AMERICANS NO LONGER TRUST THE
NEWS MEDIA.
ALL IN ALL, IT WAS A WEEK THAT
SHOWED A LEGISLATIVE BODY ON ITS
LAST NERVE.
AS A SPOKESPERSON FOR MITCH
MCCONNELL PUT IT, "TODAY IS
ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF WHY CONGRESS
SHOULDN'T BE IN SESSION FOR 5
WEEKS STRAIGHT.
WEIRD THINGS HAPPEN."
TO WHICH I'D SAY "TOTALLY!"
BUT ALSO, DID YOU KNOW THAT MOST
PEOPLE -- AND THIS IS TRUE --
WORK TEN TIMES THAT MANY WEEKS
IN A ROW AND MANAGE NOT TO
PHYSICALLY OR EMOTIONALLY
ASSAULT THEIR COLLEAGUES?
AND, SO MUCH OF THIS IS ENTIRELY
SELF-INFLICTED, GIVEN THAT HOUSE
REPUBLICANS SPENT WEEKS TEARING
EACH OTHER APART OVER THE CHOICE
OF HOUSE SPEAKER.
THIS WHOLE SESSION RAISES THE
QUESTION OF WHETHER REPUBLICANS
CAN ACTUALLY GOVERN AT ALL --
AND IT'S NOT JUST ME SAYING
THAT.
HERE'S TEXAS REP CHIP ROY.
>> ONE THING -- I WANT MY
REPUBLICAN COLLEAGUES TO GIVE ME
ONE THING, ONE, THAT I CAN GO
CAMPAIGN ON AND SAY WE DID --
ONE!
ANYBODY SITTING IN THE COMPLEX,
IF YOU WANT TO COME DOWN TO THE
FLOOR AND COME EXPLAIN TO ME,
ONE MATERIAL, MEANINGFUL,
SIGNIFICANT THING THE REPUBLICAN
MAJORITY HAS DONE BESIDES --
WELL, I GUESS IT'S NOT AS BAD AS
THE DEMOCRATS.
>> John: HE'S RIGHT!
IN FACT, HE'S SO RIGHT I'M NOT
EVEN GOING TO COMMENT ON HOW
"CHIP ROY" SOUNDS LIKE AN ICE
CREAM SANDWICH THEY'D SELL AT
FRENCH BURGER KING.
BECAUSE, INSTEAD OF SPENDING THE
LAST YEAR ACTUALLY SERVING
PEOPLE, REPUBLICANS HAVE WASTED
A HUGE AMOUNT OF TIME, BICKERING
AMONGST THEMSELVES AND BASICALLY
RUNNING AROUND WITH THEIR DICKS
IN THEIR HANDS.
DICKS THAT, WE SADLY NOW KNOW,
AT LEAST ONE SENATOR IS IN NO
WAY AFRAID TO BITE.
AND, NOW THIS.
>> AND NOW, YOU'LL NEVER GUESS
WHERE FOX'S PETE HEGSETH WENT TO
COLLEGE.
>> JOE BIDEN SAID THEY WILL
CANCEL $10,000 IN STUDENT LOANS.
MY ALMA MATER PRINCETON -- THEY
DIDN'T DO THIS WHEN I WAS THERE.
AN ELITE EDUCATION WAS
PRINCETON, WHERE I WENT.
I THINK IT WAS $33,000 WHEN I
FIRST WENT TO PRINCETON.
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU
NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ME IS THAT I
WENT TO PRINCETON.
THE HISTORY DEPARTMENT AT
PRINCETON UNIVERSITY, WHERE I
WENT TO SCHOOL.
A PROFESSOR OF MINE AT
PRINCETON.
YOU AND I WENT TO PRINCETON.
I WENT TO PRINCETON.
I PLAYED AT PRINCETON.
I WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU ALL KNOW
I WENT TO PRINCETON.
PLAY BASKETBALL?
>> I DID.
>> LET'S NOT FORGET I WENT TO
PRINCETON.
>> HE WENT TO PRINCETON.
>> LET'S NOT FORGET THE PEOPLE
FROM PRINCETON.
YOU CAN COUNT THE LEGS, MAYBE I
AM MISSING SOMETHING.
>> THAT'S SMART.
THAT'S WHY HE WENT TO PRINCETON.
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGH IN ECHO]
♪ ♪
>> I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BE
AN NBA PLAYER, SO I WANTED TO GO
TO PRINCETON.
I SAT ON THE BENCH FOR FOUR
YEARS.
[LAUGH IN ECHO]
I USED TO SAY "COACH, WHY DON'T
I PLAY MORE?"
COACH SAID "WHY DON'T YOU PLAY
BETTER?"
MINNESOTA GOPHERS FAN.
I SAT ON THE BENCH.
>> TALKING TO A BASKET BALL
COACH WHO SAID HE COACHED
AGAINST YOU AND YOU WERE NOT ON
THE SCOUTING REPORT.
[LAUGH IN ECHO]
>> OUR OWN PETE HEGSETH, WHO DID
PLAY BASKETBALL AT PRINCETON, BY
THE WAY.
>> ON THE BENCH.
[LAUGH IN ECHO]
[BUZZER]
[APPLAUSE]
>> John: MOVING ON.
OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS
SHOPPING: AN EASY AND ENJOYABLE
WAY TO FORGET THAT YOU, AND
EVERYONE YOU KNOW, WILL ONE DAY
DIE.
SPECIFICALLY, IT CONCERNS ONE OF
THE MOST UBIQUITOUS PLACES TO GO
SHOPPING IN THIS COUNTRY: DOLLAR
STORES: THE DISCOUNT OUTLETS
WHERE YOU CAN GET A VARIETY OF
GOODS AT SOMETIMES $1 OR LESS,
AND THAT POSITION THEMSELVES
WITH UPBEAT MATERIALS LIKE THIS:
>> WHETHER YOU'RE MAKING A QUICK
FILL IN STOP OR STOCKING UP FOR
THE WEEK, DOLLAR GENERAL HELPS
YOU SAVE ON THE THINGS YOU NEED
AND THE UNEXPECTED ITEMS THAT
MAKE SHOPPING FUN.
SOMETHING NEW FOR THE HOUSE, A
GREETING CARD, OR A SURPRISE FOR
SOMEONE SPECIAL.
ULTIMATELY, WE LOVE HELPING OUR
CUSTOMERS SAVE TIME AND MONEY.
IT'S WHAT DRIVES US.
THAT'S WHY MORE THAN 125,000
PEOPLE HAVE JOINED OUR TEAM, AND
WE'RE GROWING EVERYDAY
>> John: WOW, THEY REALLY
CAPTURED A WIDE ARRAY OF
"DEFINITELY HUMAN PEOPLE" IN
THAT AD.
THEY'VE GOT AN OLD LADY,
A NURSE,
A MAN WHO ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT
HAVE KIDS,
MOLLY RINGWALD,
AND SOME IDIOT ABOUT TO BUY A
BOUQUET OF HALF-INFLATED
BALLOONS.
TODAY, TWO COMPANIES DOMINATE
THIS PARTICULAR RETAIL
LANDSCAPE: DOLLAR GENERAL, AND
DOLLAR TREE, WHICH ALSO OWNS
FAMILY DOLLAR.
THESE TWO CORPORATIONS OPERATE
MORE THAN 35,000 DOLLAR STORES
IN THE US.
THAT'S MORE THAN ALL WALMART,
STARBUCKS, AND MCDONALD'S
COMBINED.
AND, THEY HAVE EARNINGS TO
MATCH.
LAST YEAR, DOLLAR GENERAL MADE
$2.4 BILLION IN PROFIT, WHILE
DOLLAR TREE MADE $1.6 BILLION.
AND, THEIR GROWTH HAS BEEN
FUELED BY TARGETING LOW-INCOME
CUSTOMERS, SINGLING OUT
COMMUNITIES THAT HAVE BEEN
MARGINALIZED ECONOMICALLY --
OFTEN RURAL AREAS AND
NEIGHBORHOODS OF COLOR.
A FORMER DOLLAR GENERAL CEO ONCE
DESCRIBED THEIR CUSTOMER BASE AS
BEING IN A PERMANENT RECESSION,
AND THEIR CURRENT CEO SUMMED UP
THE BUSINESS LIKE THIS:
>> I WOULD TELL YOU WE DO VERY
GOOD IN GOOD TIMES, AND WE DO
FABULOUS IN -- IN BAD TIMES.
>> John: RIGHT, IT'S A STORE
THAT TENDS TO DO BETTER WHEN ITS
CUSTOMERS ARE DOING WORSE, WHICH
ISN'T SOMETHING THAT REQUIRES
USE OF THE WORD "FABULOUS."
"FABULOUS" IS BEST USED TO
DESCRIBE A QUIRKY HAT, OR THE
CAST OF "THE GOLDEN BACHELOR,"
OR THE FACT THAT KIM CATTRALL
MADE $1 MILLION TO SIT IN A CAR
AND "NOT" TALK TO SARAH JESSICA
PARKER.
"THAT" IS "FABULOUS."
BUT, A COMPANY BRAGGING ABOUT
HOW IT CAN PROFIT OFF FINANCIAL
HARDSHIP?
NOT SO MUCH.
YOU MIGHT'VE HEARD STORIES ABOUT
HOW DOLLAR STORES IMPACT THE
COMMUNITIES THEY'RE IN, WHERE
THEY CAN BE THE ONLY FOOD
RETAILER AROUND.
IN SOME CASES, THAT MAY BE
BECAUSE THEY'VE DRIVEN OTHERS
OUT.
IN OTHERS, IT COULD BE BECAUSE
THEY'VE ENTERED A MARKET THAT'S
ALREADY A FOOD DESERT.
BUT, EITHER WAY, CUSTOMERS OFTEN
TURN TO THESE STORES FOR THEIR
CONVENIENCE AND LOW PRICES,
ALTHOUGH THOSE PRICES CAN BE A
BIT MISLEADING, AS THIS CLIP
FROM A FEW YEARS AGO
DEMONSTRATES.
>> AT DOLLAR TREE, A TWO-PACK OF
IRISH SPRING SOAP COSTS $1.
AT TARGET, AN EIGHT-PACK COSTS
$3.99.
BUT, IF YOU LOOK VERY CLOSELY,
THE BARS SOLD AT DOLLAR TREE --
THEY'RE SMALLER.
SO, IF YOU DO THE MATH, IRISH
SPRING BY THE OUNCE IS ACTUALLY
MORE EXPENSIVE
AT DOLLAR TREE.
>> John: RIGHT, DESPITE THE
PROMISE OF VALUE, YOU CAN END UP
GETTING LESS FOR MORE.
ALTHOUGH I WILL SAY, IN THE CASE
OF IRISH SPRING, THAT'S NOT
NECESSARILY A BAD THING.
I'M JUST SAYING, I PERSONALLY
DON'T WANT MORE OF SOMETHING
THAT SMELLS LIKE A CITRUS
BERGAMOT FART AND LEAVES THESE
MONEYMAKERS ASHY AS HELL.
BUT, THE FACT IS, IF ALL YOU CAN
AFFORD FOR SOAP IS $1 RIGHT NOW,
A DOLLAR STORE WILL SELL IT TO
YOU.
BUT, LOOK: WE'RE NOT GOING TO
FOCUS ON THE LOCATION OR PRICING
OF DOLLAR STORES.
WE'RE GOING TO FOCUS ON HOW THEY
ARE RUN, BECAUSE IF YOU'VE EVER
SET FOOT IN ONE, YOU KNOW: THEY
CAN LOOK LIKE A TOTAL DISASTER.
>> I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHERE
EVERYBODY ELSE IS GETTING THEIR
DOLLAR TREES, 'CAUSE EVERY
SINGLE ONE I'VE EVER WALKED INTO
HAS LOOKED LIKE THIS.
>> AH YES, SHOPPING AT THE DG.
I NEED STAPLES, AND THEY'RE
ABOUT 20 FEET DOWN THAT WAY.
>> MY GOD, WHY DOES MY DOLLAR
TREE LOOK LIKE CACA?
>> LOOK AT THIS DOLLAR TREE.
LIKE, WHAT THE FUCK?
>> John: YEAH, "WHAT THE FUCK"
IS RIGHT.
THOSE LOOK LESS LIKE FUNCTIONING
STORES AND MORE LIKE "AMERICAN
NINJA WARRIOR: RETAIL EDITION."
THEY LOOK LIKE SOMEONE PICKED UP
A DOLLAR STORE, SHOOK IT, AND
DUMPED IT OUT INTO ANOTHER
DOLLAR STORE.
AND, A QUICK SHOUT OUT TO THE
AUTOMATED TIKTOK VOICE THERE
TRYING TO SAY THE WORD "CACA."
SHE'S DOING HER ABSOLUTE BEST.
THAT'S ALL WE CAN ASK OF HER --
THAT AND MAYBE TO SAY NAUGHTY
THINGS LIKE:
>> PENIS.
>> John: OR --
>> VAGINA.
>> John: OR --
>> CHARLES MANSON WAS LOW-KEY
HOT, IN A
CHARACTER-ACTOR-GRIFFIN DUNNE
KIND OF WAY.
>> John: EXACTLY.
BUT, TO AN EXTENT YOU MAY NOT
REALIZE, THAT CHAOS ISN'T A
ONE-OFF MISTAKE, OR THE FAULT OF
THOSE STORES' EMPLOYEES: IT'S
THE NATURAL END PRODUCT OF HOW
THE COMPANIES BEHIND THESE
STORES CHOOSE TO OPERATE THEM.
AND, IF YOU THINK IT CAN BE BAD
SHOPPING AT A DOLLAR STORE, IT'S
NOTHING COMPARED TO WHAT IT'S
LIKE WORKING THERE.
IT'S BEEN SAID THAT WORKING AT
DOLLAR GENERAL MAY BE THE WORST
RETAIL JOB IN AMERICA.
AND, IF THESE STORES ARE THIS
UBIQUITOUS, MAKE THIS MUCH
MONEY, AND ARE THIS TERRIBLE TO
WORK FOR, TONIGHT, AS WE GET
READY FOR BLACK FRIDAY, LET'S
TALK ABOUT DOLLAR STORES.
AND, LET'S START WITH THE FACT
THAT ONE OF THE KEY WAYS THEY
SQUEEZE MARGINS ISN'T ON TINY
SOAPS: IT'S ON LABOR COSTS.
THEY OFTEN HAVE JUST TWO
EMPLOYEES -- OR SOMETIMES EVEN
ONE -- MANNING THE ENTIRE STORE.
WATCH AS THIS DOLLAR TREE
CUSTOMER DISCOVERS IN REAL TIME
THAT THERE'S ONLY ONE PERSON
WORKING THERE.
>> ONLY WORKER HERE.
>> ONLY WORKER.
>> DOING THIS WITH NO SHELVES,
NO NOTHING.
LOOK AT THIS.
SHE'S THE ONLY WORKER HERE.
>> EVERYTHING, GUYS.
THESE PEOPLE DON'T EVEN WORK
HERE AND THEY'RE HELPING HER.
LOOK AT THIS: WALLS OF BOXES,
ALL BY HERSELF.
>> John: YEAH, OF COURSE THE
STORES ARE GONNA LOOK LIKE THAT
WHEN THERE'S ONLY ONE PERSON
THERE TO DO EVERYTHING.
IT'S SO BAD, RANDOM DUDES ARE
PITCHING IN TO HELP HER FOR
FREE.
IMAGINE HOW MONUMENTALLY SHITTY
A STORE WOULD HAVE TO BE FOR
YOU, A CUSTOMER, TO WALK IN AND
SAY, "OH, FUCK, THEY NEED ME."
IT REMINDS ME OF THAT FAMOUS MR.
ROGERS QUOTE: "WHEN YOU WALK
INTO A DOLLAR STORE THAT LOOKS
LIKE CHERNOBYL AFTER THE BLAST,
LOOK FOR THE HELPERS: YOU WILL
ALWAYS FIND PEOPLE WHO ARE
HELPING."
AND, INCIDENTALLY, THE PEOPLE
EMPLOYED BY DOLLAR STORES ARE
NOT MAKING MUCH MORE THAN THOSE
VOLUNTEER HELPERS.
JUST WATCH AS A FORMER DOLLAR
GENERAL WORKER POINTS OUT THE
DISPARITY BETWEEN WHAT THE TOP
EXECS MAKE, AND WHAT THE
RANK-AND-FILE DO.
>> Y'ALL OUT THERE RIDING IN
DAMN EXPENSIVE CARS.
Y'ALL CAN GO OUT, EAT CRABS AND
STEAK AND FILET MIGNON AND
ESCARGOT AND ALL THIS SHIT.
MEANWHILE, Y'ALL WORKERS ARE
EATING RAMEN NOODLES.
COME ON NOW.
Y'ALL MAKING MILLIONS.
THINK ABOUT IT.
I WANT EVERYBODY TO THINK ABOUT
IT.
LET ME KNOW: WHEN DID A DOLLAR
GENERAL WORKER MAKE MORE THAN
$20,000 IN A WHOLE YEAR?
DON'T WORRY, I'LL WAIT.
>> John: EXCELLENT.
I'VE NEVER HEARD A HARSHER
INSULT THAN SIMPLY LISTING OUT
FOODS YOU ASSUME SOMEONE ELSE
EATS: "CRABS, STEAK, FILET
MIGNON, ESCARGOT, AND ALL THIS
SHIT."
SHE'S DESCRIBING A CARTOON RICH
PERSON, AND IT'S DEVASTATING.
I HAVE NO DOUBT SHE'D TAKE ONE
LOOK AT ME AND GO: "MUSHY PEAS,
FIGGY PUDDING, AND ALL THAT
MILK," AND, I WOULD BE WRECKED.
AND, SHE'S RIGHT ABOUT THE
NUMBERS: THE MEDIAN COMPENSATED
EMPLOYEE FOR DOLLAR GENERAL
MAKES ABOUT $18,000 A YEAR.
AND, A REPORT TWO YEARS AGO
FOUND THAT 92% OF DOLLAR
GENERAL'S STAFF WAS MAKING LESS
THAN $15 AN HOUR.
THAT'S A HIGHER PERCENTAGE THAN
EVERY OTHER COMPANY THEY
SURVEYED.
ON TOP OF THAT, LAWSUITS AND
PRESS REPORTS HAVE REPEATEDLY
DOCUMENTED DOLLAR GENERAL
SEVERELY RESTRICTING THE TOTAL
HOURS IT ALLOCATES IN A WEEK TO
NON-MANAGERS, AND THEN EXPECTING
STORE MANAGERS, WHO ARE
SALARIED, TO COVER THE REST
WITHOUT OVERTIME.
AND, WITHOUT ENOUGH PEOPLE TO DO
EVERYTHING -- FROM RUNNING THE
REGISTER, TO RECEIVING TRUCK
DELIVERIES, TO STOCKING THE
SHELVES, TO KEEPING PRICES
UPDATED, AND CLEANING THE
BATHROOMS -- THINGS CAN QUICKLY
FALL APART.
JUST WATCH AS THIS ASSISTANT
MANAGER SENDS UP WHAT'S
BASICALLY AN SOS TO THE COMPANY.
>> OKAY, THIS IS A VIDEO FOR
HELP TO ANYONE INSIDE THIS
COMPANY THAT ACTUALLY CARES.
WE ARE OVERLOADED WITH FREIGHT,
AND WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH HOURS
IN THE WEEK OR PEOPLE IN THE
WEEK TO PUT THEM AWAY.
WE ARE COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED.
THE BACK ROOM IS LIKE THIS.
I CAN'T EVEN GET TO THE COOLER,
AND I'VE GOT A MILK DELIVERY
OUTSIDE.
SO, HOPEFULLY IT ALL GOES OUT ON
THE SALES FLOOR.
I DON'T FUCKING KNOW.
AGAIN, THIS VIDEO IS FOR ANYBODY
IN THE COMPANY THAT CARES.
THIS IS TRAVIS
BENNETT, THE ASSISTANT MANAGER
AT STORE 11320.
>> John: WOW, IT IS NOT GOOD IF
YOUR EMPLOYEES ARE MAKING
TIKTOKS THAT LOOK LIKE HOSTAGE
VIDEOS.
BECAUSE, THAT'S NOT WHAT TIKTOK
IS FOR.
AS WE ALL KNOW, IT'S FOR FINDING
OUT WHICH ANIME CHARACTER
STRANGERS WOULD PORK, AND SEEING
WHAT YOU'D LOOK LIKE POSITIVELY
SNATCHED.
BUT, THE PROBLEM WITH ADDRESSING
THAT TO "ANYBODY IN THE COMPANY
THAT CARES" IS THAT IT SURE
SEEMS LIKE THESE COMPANIES DO
NOT CARE, AT ALL.
IT'S HARD TO OVERSTATE THE
INDIFFERENCE THESE CHAINS CAN
SHOW TO THEIR EMPLOYEES' WORKING
CONDITIONS -- AND NOT JUST IN
THEIR STORES, BUT IN SOME OF
THEIR DISTRIBUTION CENTERS, TOO.
>> YOU MAY REMEMBER US SHOWING
YOU VIDEO OF RATS INSIDE THE
FAMILY DOLLAR STORE IN WHITE
HAVEN AND THE COMPANY'S
DISTRIBUTION CENTER IN WEST
MEMPHIS, ARKANSAS.
TAKE ANOTHER LOOK.
RIGHT NOW, FEDERAL INSPECTORS
SAY THEY HAVE FOUND MORE THAN
1,000 RODENTS INSIDE THE SAME
DISTRIBUTION CENTER.
OH!
MY GOODNESS!
>> John: OKAY, SET ASIDE THE
1,000 RODENTS --WHICH, I KNOW,
IS ALREADY A BIG ASK -- I JUST
WANT TO TAKE A SECOND TO
ACKNOWLEDGE THIS LITTLE DIVA.
LOOK AT HER, NOT GIVING TWO
SHITS ABOUT BEING FED A PRINGLE.
OTHER RATS WOULD POUNCE AT THE
SIGHT OF THAT CHIP, BUT NOT HER.
SHE'S GIVING IT A BLANK LOOK
THAT SAYS, "HONEY, NOT EVEN AT
MY LOWEST."
SHE'S GOT STANDARDS, SHE'S GOT
TASTE, SHE'S "RATATOUILLE 2:
ABSOLUTE FOOD BITCH."
BUT, THAT FDA INSPECTION NOT
ONLY FOUND THAT MORE THAN 1,000
DEAD RODENTS HAD BEEN RECOVERED
AT THAT DISTRIBUTION CENTER LAST
YEAR, BUT ALSO THAT THE
COMPANY'S OWN RECORDS SHOWED IT
HAD COLLECTED MORE THAN 2,300
RODENTS THERE THE SPRING AND
SUMMER BEFORE, DEMONSTRATING,
AND I QUOTE, "A HISTORY OF
INFESTATION."
BUT, AT THAT POINT, IT'S LESS AN
INFESTATION AND MORE A
FLOURISHING COMMUNITY OF RATS.
ESTABLISHING AN INTERNAL ORDER.
BUILDING OUT THEIR ENVIRONMENT.
PROBABLY EXPLORING THE ARTS.
THIS WAS BOTH A MASSIVE PROBLEM
FOR FAMILY DOLLAR AND A
GENUINELY INSPIRING STORY OF
RODENT FORTITUDE.
NOW: THE COMPANY WANTS YOU TO
KNOW: THEY'VE SINCE SHUT DOWN
THAT DISTRIBUTION CENTER AND ARE
THOROUGHLY REMODELING IT.
BUT, THAT'S JUST ONE EXAMPLE IN
A HORRIFYING PATTERN FOR DOLLAR
STORES.
DOLLAR GENERAL HAS ALSO HAD TO
TEMPORARILY CLOSE MULTIPLE
STORES AND A DISTRIBUTION CENTER
FOR RAT INFESTATIONS, AND AT ONE
STORE IN OKLAHOMA, BIRDS NESTED
IN THE CEILING AND -- I'M SO
SERIOUS -- STARTED SHITTING ALL
OVER THE MERCHANDISE.
NOT JUST THAT.
WHEN THE STAFF TOLD HIGHER-UPS
IN THE COMPANY, THEY SAY THEY
WERE ORDERED "NOT TO THROW THE
SOILED PRODUCTS OUT," BUT TO
CLEAN THEM, IN SOME CASES BY
BRINGING THEM HOME TO WASH, AND
THEN RETURN THEM TO THE SHELVES.
AND, WHEN THAT STORE MANAGER
ASKED FOR HELP IN REMOVING THE
NESTS, HE SAYS HE GOT THE SENSE
HE WAS BEING IGNORED, BECAUSE
"THE BIRDS WEREN'T STEALING
ANYTHING."
AND, LOOK: THERE ARE PLENTY OF
REASONS TO KICK ANYONE OR
ANYTHING OUT OF A STORE, EVEN IF
THEY AREN'T "STEALING ANYTHING,"
AND NUMBER ONE ON THAT LIST IS
"THEY'RE POOPING EVERYWHERE."
I DON'T CARE IF IT'S A BIRD OR A
TODDLER.
THE SECOND SHIT IS PART OF THE
EQUATION, THEY'VE GOT TO GO.
NOW, LEGALLY, I DO HAVE TO TELL
YOU: DOLLAR GENERAL WAS ASKED
ABOUT THAT BIRD STORY, AND ITS
RESPONSE WAS THAT IT TAKES
PROMPT ACTION WHEN STORES MAKE
MAINTENANCE OR REPAIR REQUESTS.
WHICH, AS STATEMENTS GO, SOUNDS
TO ME A LITTLE BIT LIKE --
WHAT'S THE WORD?
>> CACA.
>> John: THAT'S RIGHT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
AND IF YOU'RE THINKING, "OKAY,
I'M CONVINCED -- THESE STORES
SOUND LIKE A TERRIBLE PLACE TO
WORK," I'M NOT NEARLY DONE YET.
SOME DOLLAR GENERAL EMPLOYEES
HAVE SAID THEY'RE UNABLE TO
CONTROL THE THERMOSTATS AT
STORES, AND OTHERS SAY THEY
DON'T HAVE FUNCTIONING HEAT AND
COOLING SYSTEMS AT ALL.
>> THE HEAT WOULD CAUSE ALL THE
CANDY TO MELT, AND I DON'T KNOW
IF IT WAS NEGATORY ON THE
MEDICATIONS, BUT, I MEAN, I KNOW
THEY GOTTA BE CLIMATE
CONTROLLED.
MY ASSISTANT MANAGER WAS SITTING
IN THERE WITH ICE PACKS DOWN HER
PANTS AND HER SHIRT AND A TOWEL,
'CAUSE WE WERE JUST DRIPPING IN
SWEAT.
>> John: THAT'S NOT GREAT.
AN ICE PACK DOWN THE PANTS IS
NOT HOW YOU IMAGINE A DAY AT
WORK GOING.
IT IS, HOWEVER, HOW I IMAGINE
THESE TWO FREAKS FUCK.
AND, WHEN YOU TAKE ALL THIS
TOGETHER -- THE HEAT, THE
UNDERSTAFFING, THE BOXES
EVERYWHERE MEANING YOU CAN'T
MOVE AROUND PROPERLY -- IT'S
PRETTY CLEAR THESE PLACES AREN'T
JUST UNPLEASANT: THEY'RE UNSAFE.
DOLLAR GENERAL IS ON OSHA'S
SEVERE VIOLATORS LIST, RACKING
UP MORE THAN $25 MILLION IN
PROPOSED FINES SINCE 2017 FOR
ALLEGED VIOLATIONS SPANNING
DOZENS OF STATES.
AND, AS FOR DOLLAR TREE, IN THAT
SAME TIME FRAME, OSHA'S
IDENTIFIED MORE THAN 400
VIOLATIONS AT ITS STORES,
IMPOSING MORE THAN $13 MILLION
IN FINES.
NOW, I HAVE TO SAY: DOLLAR TREE
RECENTLY ENTERED A SETTLEMENT
WITH OSHA AND CLAIMS THAT IT'S
"IMPLEMENTING SUBSTANTIAL SAFETY
POLICIES, PROCEDURES, AND
TRAINING TO SAFEGUARD THE
WELLBEING OF OUR ASSOCIATES."
ALTHOUGH, YOU SHOULD ALSO KNOW:
THEY HAD A SIMILAR SETTLEMENT
BACK IN 2015 AND MADE SIMILAR
PROMISES BACK THEN, SO THEY'RE,
AT BEST, A SLOW LEARNER.
AND, THERE IS ONE LAST INDIGNITY
FOR DOLLAR STORE EMPLOYEES, AND
THAT IS THE THREAT OF VIOLENCE.
DOLLAR STORES HAVE BECOME
"MAGNETS FOR CRIME AND KILLING,"
WITH EMPLOYEES AT DOLLAR GENERAL
SAYING THEY'VE BEEN STABBED,
SHOT, HELD AT GUNPOINT, PUNCHED
AND PISTOL-WHIPPED ON THE JOB.
AND, WHEN A ROBBERY DOES HAPPEN,
THE RESPONSE FROM CORPORATE CAN
BE LESS THAN COMPASSIONATE.
REMEMBER THAT WORKER TALKING
ABOUT HOW THE BOSSES WERE EATING
FILET MIGNON?
HERE SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE
DAY HER STORE WAS ROBBED.
>> I WAS ROBBED AT THE SAME
DOLLAR GENERAL WHERE I CURRENTLY
WORK.
I PICKED UP MY PHONE AND CALLED
911.
I LOCKED THE DOOR, I SECURED THE
CUSTOMERS, I FOLLOWED PROTOCOL.
CALLED OUR MANAGER, SHE SHOWED
UP.
I CALLED OUR DISTRICT MANAGER
LIKE TWO TO THREE TIMES.
SHE DIDN'T ANSWER.
BUT, WHEN MY MANAGER CALLED, SHE
ANSWERED.
THE FIRST QUESTION WAS, "IS
EVERYBODY OKAY?"
THE SECOND THING SHE SAID, "WHAT
ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT
REOPENING THE STORE?"
WE HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN ROBBED EVEN
DOGGONE 10 TO 15 MINUTES AND
YOU'RE ALREADY TALKING ABOUT
OPENING UP THE STORE!?
>> John: THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
AN ARMED ROBBERY IS A TRAUMATIC
EVENT PEOPLE NEED TIME TO
RECOVER FROM.
IT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN JUST
IGNORE, LIKE A SPAM CALL, OR A
BROKEN LIGHTBULB, OR ANY SHOW ON
APPLE TV.
DID YOU KNOW OCTAVIA SPENCER
STARRED AS A TRUE CRIME
PODCASTER ON A SHOW CALLED
"TRUTH BE TOLD" FOR THREE YEARS?
OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T!
IT'S APPLE TV: WHERE CELEBRITIES
GO TO HIDE.
WHILE RESEARCHING THIS PIECE,
DOLLAR STORE WORKERS REPEATEDLY
TOLD US HOW THEY FEARED FOR
THEIR SAFETY.
AND, WHILE THESE COMPANIES SAY
THEY TAKE SECURITY CONCERNS
SERIOUSLY, EXPERTS HAVE SAID THE
LEVEL OF VIOLENCE MAY BE DOWN TO
HOW THESE STORES ARE SET UP AND
ORGANIZED.
HAVING SO FEW PEOPLE WORKING
THERE, WITH NO SECURITY GUARD
TYPICALLY PRESENT, MAKES THEM AN
INCREDIBLY ENTICING TARGET.
IN TEXAS, A DOLLAR GENERAL
EMPLOYEE -- WHO HAD A COWORKER
DIE IN HER ARMS -- CLAIMED IN A
LAWSUIT THAT HER STORE HAD NO
LIGHTS AT THE BACK OF THE
BUILDING, AND CASH REGISTERS
THAT DIDN'T HAVE PANIC BUTTONS,
AND THAT THE SIGN ANNOUNCING A
REMOTELY MONITORED SECURITY
SYSTEM WAS A SHAM.
AT THAT POINT, THEY MIGHT AS
WELL PUT UP ONE OF THOSE FLOPPY
MEN HOLDING A "PLUNDER ME, BABE"
SIGN.
AT ALMOST EVERY TURN, DOLLAR
STORES SEEM TO TREAT THEIR
WORKERS WITH EITHER STUNNING
INDIFFERENCE OR OUTRIGHT
CONTEMPT.
AND, SOME ARE SO FED UP, THEY'RE
WALKING OUT, LEADING TO STORIES
LIKE THIS.
>> WE SAW DOZENS OF PEOPLE
TRYING TO GO INSIDE FAMILY
DOLLAR THIS AFTERNOON, ONLY TO
FIND THE DOORS LOCKED AND NO ONE
INSIDE.
GARFIELD RESIDENT DODI BYRNE
WENT TO FAMILY DOLLAR ON TED
AVENUE YESTERDAY, ONLY TO FIND
THIS SIGN READING "STAFF QUIT,
Y'ALL BE EASY" ON THE DOOR.
>> John: YEAH, AND NONE OF THAT
IS AT ALL UNCOMMON.
AT ANOTHER FAMILY DOLLAR IN
NEBRASKA, STAFF LEFT THIS SIGN
ON THE DOOR: "WE ALL QUIT!
SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE."
AND, AT A DOLLAR GENERAL IN
MAINE, WORKERS LEFT A SERIES OF
SIGNS READING: "CLOSED
INDEFINITELY BECAUSE DOLLAR
GENERAL DOESN'T PAY A LIVING
WAGE OR TREAT THEIR EMPLOYEES
WITH RESPECT," AND "CAPITALISM
WILL DESTROY THIS COUNTRY.
IF YOU DON'T PAY PEOPLE ENOUGH
TO LIVE THEIR LIVES, WHY SHOULD
THEY SLAVE AWAY FOR YOU?"
ALL OF WHICH IS PUNCTUATED
PERFECTLY BY THE EXCITED "NOW
HIRING SIGN," WHICH "REALLY" HAS
ITS WORK CUT OUT FOR IT.
AND, WHILE THOSE WORKERS ARE
JUSTIFIABLY WALKING OUT, OTHERS
ARE CHOOSING TO FIGHT BACK.
OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS, GROUPS
LIKE "STEP UP LOUISIANA" AND THE
UNION OF SOUTHERN SERVICE
WORKERS HAVE STAGED STRIKES AND
PROTESTS AGAINST DOLLAR GENERAL.
BUT, THE COMPANY HAS PUSHED BACK
HARD, IN ALL THE USUAL
UNION-BUSTING WAYS.
IN CONNECTICUT, WHEN WORKERS
TRIED TO ORGANIZE, DOLLAR
GENERAL VIOLATED FEDERAL LAW BY
FIRING A PRO-UNION WORKER,
ILLEGALLY SURVEILLING AND
INTERROGATING EMPLOYEES, AND
THREATENING TO CLOSE THE STORE.
THEY ALSO MAKE ALL NEW EMPLOYEES
WATCH A VIDEO WHERE THEY
SHIT-TALK THE VERY IDEA OF
JOINING A UNION, WHICH ONE
WORKER FILMED, AND POSTED
ONLINE.
>> WE DON'T BELIEVE THAT OUR
EMPLOYEES NEED A THIRD PARTY OR
UNION TO COME BETWEEN US AND
THEM.
OUR EMPLOYEES DON'T NEED A UNION
TO HAVE THEIR VOICES HEARD HERE
AT DOLLAR GENERAL.
>> John: I'M SORRY, YOUR
EMPLOYEES ARE ABLE TO GET THEIR
VOICES HEARD?
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
SEEMS LIKE THE GUY PLEADING FOR
AID FROM TIKTOK STRANGERS MIGHT
BEG TO DIFFER.
SO, WHAT IS THERE TO DO?
WELL, SINCE 2019, AT LEAST 75
COMMUNITIES -- MANY OF THEM
LOWER-INCOME -- HAVE ACTUALLY
BLOCKED PROPOSALS TO BUILD NEW
DOLLAR STORES.
BUT, THE TRUTH IS, MOST OF THESE
STORES ARE UNLIKELY TO GO
ANYWHERE: REMEMBER, IN MANY
AREAS, THEY'RE THE ONLY RETAILER
AROUND.
SO, MUCH MORE ATTENTION NEEDS TO
BE PAID TO WHAT WORKERS HAVE
BEEN SAYING, AND FOR YEARS NOW.
DOLLAR STORE WORKERS AT "STEP UP
LOUISIANA" HAVE DEVELOPED A LIST
OF WHAT THEY'RE ASKING FOR FROM
THESE COMPANIES: FROM THINGS
LIKE HAVING SAFE STAFFING
LEVELS, TO CREATING SAFE STORE
INFRASTRUCTURE, TO GIVING
WORKERS A "RIGHT TO HEAL" AFTER
VIOLENT INCIDENTS.
NONE OF WHICH IS ASKING MUCH.
AND, UNTIL SUCH TIME AS THESE
COMPANIES ACTUALLY DO THESE
THINGS, THEY SHOULD, AT THE VERY
LEAST, HAVE TO BE MUCH MORE
TRANSPARENT WHEN IT COMES TO THE
RETAIL AND WORKPLACE EXPERIENCE
THEY'RE ACTUALLY PROVIDING.
♪ ♪
>> HI, THERE.
HERE AT DOLLAR BUCKET, WHETHER
YOU'RE MAKING A QUICK FILL AND
STOP OR STOCKING UP FOR THE
WEEK, WE'VE GOT EVERYTHING YOU
NEED.
LIKE THIS ROLL OF TOILET PAPER,
OR AN ADORABLE BAR OF IRISH
SPRING.
DOLLAR BUCKET HELPS YOU SAVE ON
THE THINGS YOU NEED, BUT ALSO
THE SPECIAL TREATS THAT MAKE
LIFE A LITTLE MORE FUN, LIKE
THIS FLACCID BALLOON, OR THIS
BAG OF SKITTLE.
>> YOU MEAN SKITTLES.
>> NOPE.
AT DOLLAR BUCKET, WHATEVER YOU
NEED, WE'VE GOT IT, SOMEWHERE.
UH-OH.
AND, ALWAYS AT THE RIGHT PRICE.
TOWELS?
$1.
BATTERIES, $1.
THIS RAT, $1.
ARCTIC BLITZ, $1.
THIS OTHER RAT, $1.
THAT LAST RAT WAS PREGNANT, SO
THAT IS A TWOFER.
WE LOVE HELPING OUR CUSTOMERS
SAVE TIME AND MONEY.
THAT'S WHY OVER 125,000 PEOPLE
HAVE JOINED OUR TEAM, AND WE ARE
GROWING EVERY DAY.
>> I DON'T WORK HERE, I'M JUST
TRYING TO GET THE MILK
REFRIGERATED BEFORE IT GOES BAD.
THIS PLACE IS FUCKED.
>> YOU BETTER HURRY, WE'VE GOT
ANOTHER SHIPMENT COMING IN.
DOLLAR BUCKET IS A PROUD
PROVIDER OF JOBS IN OUR
COMMUNITY.
TAKE BRENDA HERE.
SHE IS OUR LONGEST-SERVING
EMPLOYEE.
HEY, BRENDA, HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN WITH US?
>> I'VE BEEN HERE FOR THREE
WEEKS, OKAY?
IT'S A NIGHTMARE.
I GOT A NICE --
I'VE GOT ICE PACKS IN PLACES
ONLY GOD AND MY HUSBAND --
-- I'VE BEEN SHITTING IN A
DIAPER BECAUSE I CAN'T GO TO THE
BATHROOM, WE'VE BEEN ROBBED
THREE TIMES SINCE LAUNCH AND WE
ARE STILL OPEN!
>> BRENDA, IF WE CLOSED DOWN
EVERY TIME WE GOT ROBBED, WE
WOULDN'T BE OPEN, AND YOU
WOULDN'T HAVE A JOB, YOUNG LADY.
>> I'VE BEEN HERE SO LONG, I
DON'T KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS.
I KEEP HEARING VOICES.
>> BRENDA, CAN YOU HELP?
CAN YOU HELP ME?
>> IS THAT THE VOICE?
>> THIS IS A VIDEO FOR HELP TO
ANYONE INSIDE THIS COMPANY THAT
ACTUALLY CARES.
I CAN'T LEAVE THE STOCK ROOM.
THERE ARE TOO MANY BOXES IN THE
WAY, AND ALSO, THE BIRDS WON'T
LET ME LEAVE.
OH, GOD, BRENDA.
GOD.
>> IS HE OKAY?
>> WHAT'S HAPPENING TO TRAVIS?
>> DOES IT MATTER?
WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND IS
THAT YOUR LIVES ARE
INSIGNIFICANT, YOUR PAIN IS OUR
FUEL.
THE MORE YOU SUFFER, THE BETTER
WE DO.
THIS COMPANY WAS BUILT ON PAIN,
SWEAT, TEARS, AND THE TINIEST
LITTLE BARS OF DULL SOAP YOU
HAVE EVER SEEN IN YOUR WORTHLESS
GODDAMN LIES.
>> NUMBER ONE, GO FUCK YOURSELF.
THAT SUIT IS TIGHT.
>> WHAT HAPPENED THIS MORNING,
BRENDA.
>> REALLY?
>> YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO PAY
$1 FOR --
>> I'LL PAY NOTHING, BECAUSE I
QUIT.
CAN YOU READ THAT?
>> I CAN'T, BECAUSE I QUIT.
>> I QUIT.
>> GOODBYE, BITCH.
>> BUH-BYE, BITCH.
>> BRENDA.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> GOODBYE!
>> DO YOU WANT A JOB?
WE CAN PAY YOU IN RAT BABIES.
>> HOW MANY?
>> DOLLAR BUCKET: GIVING
EVERYONE LESS WHILE WE MAKE
MORE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: MOVING ON.
FINALLY TONIGHT, A QUICK UPDATE
ON NEW ZEALAND, MY ABSOLUTE
FAVORITE ZEALAND.
AS YOU KNOW, TWO WEEKS AGO, WE
ENTERED THEIR BIRD OF THE
CENTURY COMPETITION ON BEHALF OF
THE PUTEKETEKE, A WEIRD-LOOKING
BIRD WITH BAD HAIR AND A NERVOUS
STOMACH -- TRULY, A RELATABLE
KING.
IT ALSO CARRIES ITS BABIES ON
ITS BACK, LIKE IT'S A POOL
INFLATABLE.
THIS IS AN INCREDIBLE BIRD.
AND, WE CAMPAIGNED FOR IT BY,
AMONG OTHER THINGS, FLYING A
BANNER AD OVER THE BEACHES OF
IPANEMA, AND ERECTING BILLBOARDS
IN MUMBAI, TOKYO, AND PARIS,
FRANCE, AS WELL AS THE PARIS OF
AMERICA: MANITOWOC, WISCONSIN.
WELL, THIS WEEK, THE RESULTS
FINALLY CAME IN.
>> FOREST & BIRD IS PROUD TO
ANNOUNCE THAT NEW ZEALAND'S BIRD
OF THE CENTURY IS --
[DRUMROLL]
THE PUTEKETEKE!
>> AW.
>> AH.
>> JOHN OLIVER WILL BE THRILLED.
>> John: YES, I'M THRILLED!
EVEN IF YOU GUYS CLEARLY AREN'T!
AND, I'M ALSO A BIT RELIEVED.
BECAUSE, WE ACTUALLY HAVE A
HORRENDOUS RECORD WHEN IT COMES
TO CONTESTS.
WE ENTERED A DUCK STAMP
COMPETITION WITH A BUNCH OF
PAINTINGS THAT EITHER GOT
DISQUALIFIED OR GOT ZERO VOTES.
AND, WE ENTERED A CONTEST TO
PREDICT WHEN THIS GIANT WOODEN
TRIPOD WOULD BREAK THROUGH THE
ICE ON A FROZEN ALASKAN RIVER,
AND WERE WILDLY OFF.
SO, WE REALLY NEEDED THIS WIN.
AND TO BE CLEAR, WE DIDN'T JUST
WIN THIS BY A LITTLE.
WE WON BY A LOT.
>> THE BILLBOARD IN MUMBAI, THE
PLANE IN BRAZIL, AND THIS
COSTUME ALL PAID OFF.
AND, IT WASN'T EVEN CLOSE.
THIS SHOWS THE AMOUNT OF VOTERS
THE RUNNERS-UP GOT, FROM THE
FANTAIL IN 7,800, TO THE SECOND-
PLACED KIWI AT JUST 13,000.
BUT, THE PUTEKETEKE SOARED TO
VICTORY, WITH MORE THAN 290,000
VOTES.
>> John: YES, IT'S TRUE: 290,000
VOTES!
FOR CONTEXT, THE PUTEKETEKE GOT
OVER THREE TIMES AS MANY VOTES
"BY ITSELF" AS ALL THE OTHER TOP
TEN BIRDS COMBINED.
WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT HISTORIC,
ALL-TIME LEVELS OF DOMINANCE,
THE CONVERSATION NOW BEGINS AND
ENDS WITH MICHAEL JORDAN, LIONEL
MESSI, SERENA WILLIAMS, AND THE
PUTEKETEKE.
THOSE ARE NOW THE GOATS, THE
BEST TO EVER DO IT, AND NO ONE
ELSE EVEN COMES CLOSE.
APPARENTLY, VERIFIED VOTES WERE
CAST IN 195 COUNTRIES.
THAT'S TWO MORE THAN THE CURRENT
MEMBERSHIP OF THE UNITED
NATIONS.
NOW, I WILL SAY, THERE WAS SOME
VOTER FRAUD, INCLUDING 40,000
VOTES CAST BY A SINGLE PERSON
FOR THE ROCKHOPPER PENGUIN.
AND, COME ON.
THIS ROCKHOPPER PENGUIN?
YOU COMMITTED BIRD ELECTION
FRAUD FOR THE ONLY PENGUIN IN
THE ANIMAL KINGDOM WITH FROSTED
TIPS?
I COULD SEE DOING IT FOR THE
ROYAL SPOONBILL, THAT'S A
QUALITY BIRD, BUT NOT ONE OF
THESE ALT-PUNK ASSHOLES.
ALSO, APPARENTLY, 45 VALID VOTES
WERE CAST BY PEOPLE GIVING THE
NAME JOHN OLIVER, ALL FOR THE
PUTEKETEKE, EXCEPT ONE, WHICH
WAS FOR THE NEW ZEALAND FAIRY
TERN, A BIRD THAT LOOKS LIKE
THIS.
AND, NO, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
PERSONALLY, I THINK HE'S PULLING
IT OFF.
EVERYTHING ABOUT THE WAY NEW
ZEALAND HANDLED THIS CONTEST WAS
PERFECT.
OTHER BIRDS CONCEDED THIS WEEK
IN A VARIETY OF DELIGHTFUL WAYS.
THE TEAM BEHIND THE TAKAHE
POSTED THIS "ANCHORMAN" MEME OF
THEIR BIRD SAYING, "WELL, THAT
WAS UNEXPECTED."
WHICH ISN'T QUITE RIGHT.
THE LINE FROM THE MOVIE IS,
"BOY, THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY."
AND, FRANKLY, IT'S THAT KIND OF
LACK OF ATTENTION TO DETAIL THAT
MIGHT EXPLAIN WHY THE TAKAHE
LOST THIS CONTEST SO BADLY.
MEANWHILE, CAMPAIGNERS FOR THE
KAKI POSTED THIS VIDEO OF THEIR
BIRDS SURROUNDING A PICTURE OF
ME, AND THEN PECKING AT IT ON
THE GROUND.
BUT, MY FAVORITE RESPONSE CAME
FROM THE NEW ZEALAND BREAKERS, A
PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL TEAM,
WHOSE MASCOT WAS CAMPAIGNING FOR
THE KEA PARROT.
THEY DELIVERED A CONCESSION
SPEECH ON WEDNESDAY THAT REALLY
MET THE GRAVITY OF THE MOMENT.
>> WELL, LOOK, I'D LIKE TO JUST
READ A STATEMENT, IF I COULD,
FROM CHEEKY THE KEA.
HE'S NOT ABLE TO SPEAK TODAY.
"OVER THE LAST WEEK, I HAVE BEEN
SPEARHEADING AN ELECTION
CAMPAIGN FOR KEA AS BIRD OF THE
CENTURY.
THIS MORNING, IT HAS BEEN
NECESSARY TO CONCEDE THIS
ELECTION, AND WHILST IT IS NOT
THE RESULT THE KEA COMMUNITY
WANTED, IT IS NOW IMPORTANT THAT
WE ALL GET BEHIND THE
PUTEKETEKE."
>> John: THAT IS MAGNIFICENT.
FROM THE FACT SOMEONE HAD TO SET
UP THE STEP-AND-REPEAT BACKDROP
AND INVITE JOURNALISTS TO THIS
"VERY IMPORTANT" PRESS
CONFERENCE, TO THE LINE "HE'S
NOT ABLE TO SPEAK TODAY," AS IF
THE KEA IS NORMALLY A REAL
CHATTERBOX BUT IS TOO BROKEN TO
COMMENT RIGHT NOW, TO THE
REVERENT TONE THE SHE'S
EMPLOYING THERE, AS IF SHE'S
GENUINELY WORRIED THERE'S A
CHANCE OF RIOTING IN THE STREETS
OVER THIS RESULT UNLESS SHE CAN
CALM EVERYONE DOWN.
NOW, THIS CONTEST IS OVERSEEN BY
THE CONSERVATION ORGANIZATION
"FOREST & BIRD," TO RAISE
AWARENESS OF NEW ZEALAND'S
MAGNIFICENT WILDLIFE, AND RAISE
MONEY TO PROTECT IT.
AND, I'M HAPPY TO SAY THEY GOT
HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS
IN DONATIONS THIS YEAR.
IF YOU WANT TO SUPPORT THEM, YOU
CAN GIVE TO THEM DIRECTLY, OR
THERE'S ACTUALLY ANOTHER OPTION.
BECAUSE, THEY'VE BEEN PARTNERING
WITH A COMPANY TO PRODUCE METAL
SCULPTURES OF THE WINNING BIRD,
WITH A PORTION OF THE PROCEEDS
GOING TO THEIR CONSERVATION
EFFORTS.
HERE'S LAST YEAR'S SCULPTURE OF
THE TRIUMPHANT ROCK WREN.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE THE
SCUPLTURE THEY'VE MADE FOR THIS
YEAR'S WINNER?
'CAUSE, HERE IT IS!
A MAGNIFICENT PUTEKETEKE, WITH,
AS YOU CAN SEE, ME RIDING ON ITS
BACK LIKE ONE OF ITS BABIES.
AND, AS THE WEBSITE POINTS OUT
WITH A HELPFUL ANIMATION, THE
JOHN OLIVER PART CAN BE REMOVED
IF YOU SO CHOOSE.
WHICH IS MAGNIFICENT.
WOULD THAT WE ALL HAD THAT
OPTION.
IF YOU WANT ONE, WITH OR WITHOUT
ME ON IT, YOU CAN ORDER A
SCULPTURE AT THIS WEBSITE RIGHT
HERE.
WE ACTUALLY HAVE ONE FOR EACH
MEMBER OF OUR STUDIO AUDIENCE
TONIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT!
YOU GET A BIRD STATUE WITH A
REMOVABLE JOHN OLIVER OPTION!
YOU GET A BIRD STATUE WITH A
REMOVABLE JOHN OLIVER OPTION!
EVERYBODY GETS A BIRD STATUE
WITH A REMOVABLE JOHN OLIVER
OPTION!
LOOK, THIS HAS BEEN TREMENDOUS
FUN, AND THERE'S REALLY ONLY ONE
MORE THING FOR US TO DO RIGHT
NOW.
BECAUSE, WE'VE SEEN A GRACIOUS
CONCESSION SPEECH, AND THAT'S
IMPORTANT IN A DEMOCRACY.
BUT, NOW IT'S TIME FOR A VICTORY
SPEECH FROM THE WORTHY WINNER.
SO PLEASE, WON'T YOU JOIN ME?
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[CAW]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
ON BEHALF OF MYSELF AND NEW
ZEALAND'S NEW BIRD OF THE
CENTURY, I WANT TO THANK
EVERYONE WHO VOTED.
WHEN WE FIRST DECIDED TO
CAMPAIGN FOR THE PUTEKETEKE,
HAVING RANDOMLY STUMBLED ACROSS
IT AFTER GOOGLING "NEW ZEALAND
BIRD WEIRD," WE NEVER COULD HAVE
ANTICIPATED THE OUTPOURING OF
SUPPORT.
SO, TONIGHT ISN'T JUST THE
PUTEKETEKE'S VICTORY: IT'S
YOUR VICTORY, AS THE SELECTION
--
YOUR VICTORY, AS THIS ELECTION
REPRESENTS THE COLLECTIVE WISHES
OF GOOD, BIRD-LOVING PEOPLE FROM
195 COUNTRIES.
I'D ALSO LIKE TO THANK OUR
WORTHY OPPONENTS, WHO GRACIOUSLY
CONCEDED.
THE KIWI.
THE TAKAHE.
THE KEA.
AND YES, EVEN THE ROCKHOPPER
PENGUIN.
THANK YOU, BIRDS, FOR YOUR
GENEROSITY, BUT ALSO KNOW THAT
YOU WILL DIE IN THE CENTURY THAT
WEARS THE PUTEKETEKE'S NAME.
AND FINALLY, I'D LIKE TO THANK
THE PUTEKETEKE ITSELF.
POOT, MY OLD FRIEND: NONE OF
THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN POSSIBLE
WITHOUT YOUR SID VICIOUS-ESQUE
HAIRSTYLE, YOUR FEATHER-BONE
PUKING, OR JUST HOW WEIRD YOU
ARE AT SEX.
YOU'RE A DEEPLY ODD BIRD, AND AT
THE END OF THE DAY, I THINK
THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE RESPONDED TO.
THAT, AND JUST HOW FUN IT IS TO
SAY YOUR NAME.
SO, LET ME SAY THIS LOUD AND
PROUD ONCE MORE: PUTEKETEKE
TODAY.
PUTEKETEKE TOMORROW.
PUTEKETEKE FOR THE NEXT 100
YEARS.
WE DID IT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WE DID IT!
[CAW]
THAT IS OUR SHOW, THANK YOU SO
MUCH FOR WATCHING!
WE'RE OFF NEXT WEEK, BACK
DECEMBER 3RD.
GOOD NIGHT!
PUTEKETEKE!
PUUUUTEKETEKE!
PUTEKETEKE!
[CAW]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
[CAW]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
[CAW]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
[CAW]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
>> OH, GOD, LOOK