♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR JOINING US.
AND LOOK, IT HAS BEEN A BUSY
WEEK, SO THERE IS FRANKLY
NO TIME TO TALK ABOUT
THE U.S. SIGNING A DEAL WITH
THE TALIBAN, OR JOE BIDEN
WINNING IN SOUTH CAROLINA,
OR EVEN THE END OF BILLIONAIRE
TOM STEYER'S PRESIDENTIAL RUN,
DESPITE THE FACT THE CLOSING
DAYS OF HIS CAMPAIGN GOT WEIRD.
>> THIS IS BUSINESSMAN
TOM STEYER WITH JUVENILE
UP ON STAGE DANCING TO
"BACK THAT ASS UP."
♪ ♪
>> John: I HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS
THERE:
ONE, THE FUCK?
TWO, YOU SPENT A QUARTER BILLION
DOLLARS ON YOUR CAMPAIGN,
WAS IT WORTH IT?
AND THREE, THAT SONG IS CALLED
"BACK THAT ASS UP," WHY ARE YOU
NOT BACKING YOUR ASS UP?
NO ONE TOLD YOU TO LURCH FORWARD
AND THEN DO A WEIRD LITTLE LASSO
THAT ASS UP.
JUVENILE IS STANDING RIGHT NEXT
TO YOU, AND HE'S VERY CLEAR
ABOUT WHAT HE WANTS HERE:
PAYMENT IN FULL FOR THIS
INEXPLICABLE CAMPAIGN
APPEARANCE, AND ALSO FOR YOU TO
BACK YOUR FUCKING ASS UP.
NO WONDER YOUR CAMPAIGN FAILED.
BUT TONIGHT, WE'RE ACTUALLY
GOING TO DIVE STRAIGHT IN WITH
OUR MAIN STORY, WHICH CONCERNS
THE SUBJECT THAT HAS DOMINATED
THE NEWS ALL WEEK.
>> GLOBAL HOT ZONES -- THE
CORONAVIRUS SPREADING.
>> FEARS GROW OF A GLOBAL
PANDEMIC.
>> A HUGE SPIKE IN CASES
IN ITALY.
>> HUNDREDS OF CASES
IN SOUTH KOREA.
NEW CASES REPORTED IN EUROPE.
>> THE CDC WARNED AMERICANS TO
BE PREPARED HERE AT HOME,
THAT IT'S NOT A MATTER OF IF,
BUT WHEN.
>> John: YES, THE CORONAVIRUS.
ON TUESDAY, THE CDC SAID THAT
ITS SPREADING HERE IS "NOT A
QUESTION OF IF, BUT WHEN."
WHICH IS NOT A COMFORTING THING
TO HEAR ABOUT THE SPREAD OF
SOMETHING DEADLY.
IT'S ONLY COMFORTING IF YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT WHETHER
SAOIRSE RONAN WILL WIN AN OSCAR,
OR WHETHER HENRY KISSINGER WILL
EVER DIE.
DON'T WORRY!
IT'S NOT A QUESTION OF IF,
BUT WHEN.
AND THE CDC WERE NOT WRONG;
THERE ARE NOW SEVERAL DOZEN
CONFIRMED CASES HERE IN
THE UNITED STATES, WITH THE
FIRST DEATH COMING JUST
YESTERDAY.
MEANWHILE, THE STOCK MARKET
HAS TAKEN ITS BIGGEST ONE-WEEK
DIVE SINCE 2008, AND MANY
AMERICANS HAVE QUESTIONS ABOUT
HOW TO STAY SAFE.
>> JOY JOHNSON EMAILED US
ASKING, "CAN I GET CORONAVIRUS
FROM A PACKAGE BEING DELIVERED
FROM CHINA?"
THAT'S A GREAT QUESTION.
>> TALK ABOUT THESE MASKS.
DO WE GET THEM OR DON'T WE?
>> SOME PEOPLE ARE WONDERING IF
YOU CAN YOU PROTECT YOURSELF
FROM THE VIRUS BY GARGLING WITH
BLEACH --
>> WHAT?
>> OR TAKING STEROIDS.
>> CAN YOU GET THE CORONAVIRUS
BY EATING CHINESE FOOD?
>> John: NO!
NO, YOU CAN'T!
OF COURSE YOU CAN'T GET
THE CORONAVIRUS FROM EATING
CHINESE FOOD.
IN FACT, IF YOU'RE EATING AT
A PANDA EXPRESS, YOU CAN'T
EVEN GET CHINESE FOOD BY EATING
CHINESE FOOD.
ALTHOUGH I WILL SAY THIS:
YOU ARE UNLIKELY TO GET THE
CORONAVIRUS IF YOU REGULARLY
GARGLE BLEACH.
BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY:
BEING DEAD IS ALREADY THE BEST
MEDICINE.
LOOK, IT MIGHT BE HELPFUL TO GET
THE VERY BASICS DOWN HERE
STRAIGHT AWAY: WHAT WE'RE
TALKING ABOUT HERE IS A SICKNESS
CALLED COVID-19, CAUSED BY
A NEW STRAIN OF CORONAVIRUS.
SYMPTOMS INCLUDE FEVER, COUGH,
AND SHORTNESS OF BREATH, AND
PRELIMINARY ESTIMATES ARE THAT
IT HAS AROUND A 2% MORTALITY
RATE -- WITH THE ELDERLY AND
THOSE WITH PREEXISTING
CONDITIONS MOST AT RISK.
AND I KNOW SOME PEOPLE DON'T
SEEM TO THINK TWO PERCENT IS ALL
THAT BAD, AS CHUCK TODD TOLD US,
IN THE WEIRDEST POSSIBLE WAY.
>> SO LAST NIGHT I SURPRISED MY
TEENAGER WHEN I TOLD HIM THAT
ONLY TWO PERCENT OF THOSE THAT
GET THIS CORONAVIRUS DIE.
HE GOES, OH, WELL, I THOUGHT IT
WAS -- I THOUGHT IT WAS MUCH
WORSE, AND I UNDERSTAND IF YOU
JUST DIGEST SOCIAL MEDIA, YOU
JUST DIGEST THE HEADLINES, THIS
FEELS MORE DEADLY THAN IT IS.
>> John: OKAY, SO FIRST,
ON BEHALF OF YOUR TEENAGER --
DAD, GET OUT OF MY ROOM AND STOP
TELLING ME THE NEWS.
BUT SECOND: TWO PERCENT OF
PEOPLE IS A LOT WHEN YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE
DYING.
THINK ABOUT IT THIS WAY:
TWO PERCENT OF PEOPLE
DISAPPEARING WAS LITERALLY
THE PREMISE OF "THE LEFTOVERS"
-- YOU KNOW, THE SHOW WHOSE
PILOT VERY MUCH DID NOT CONSIST
OF JUSTIN THEROUX GOING, "WELL,
THAT WAS ROUGH BUT, HEY, COULDA
BEEN WORSE!"
AND THEN THE SHOW ENDING.
THE FACT IS, A TWO PERCENT
MORTALITY RATE, IF TRUE,
WOULD BE ABOUT TWENTY TIMES
HIGHER THAN THE SEASONAL FLU.
AND WHILE, THE GOOD NEWS IS,
AROUND 80% OF THOSE WHO
GET THIS VIRUS HAVE MILD
SYMPTOMS, THE BAD NEWS IS,
THAT MEANS THEY'RE MORE LIKELY
TO SPREAD IT WITHOUT EVEN
REALIZING.
THAT IS ONE OF THE THINGS THAT
MAKES THIS SO DANGEROUS, AND
WHY, EVEN THOUGH ITS MORTALITY
RATE IS MUCH LOWER THAN THAT OF
SARS OR MERS, THIS VIRUS HAS
ALREADY KILLED THREE TIMES
AS MANY PEOPLE.
IN FACT, ONE EXPERT HAS
PREDICTED THAT 40 TO 70% OF
THE WORLD'S POPULATION WILL BE
INFECTED WITHIN THE NEXT YEAR,
WHICH IS INCREDIBLY UPSETTING
BECAUSE THERE'S ONLY ONE
INFECTIOUS DISEASE THAT
TWO-THIRDS OF THE WORLD SHOULD
BE GETTING RIGHT NOW, AND THAT'S
ADAM DRIVER FEVER.
SHATTER MY KNEES,
YOU FUCKABLE REDWOOD.
SNAP OFF MY TOES, YOU BIG,
UNWASHED BUFFALO.
SO IF THE STOCK MARKET IS
TANKING AND PEOPLE ARE
CONSIDERING GARGLING BLEACH,
WE THOUGHT TONIGHT MIGHT BE
A GOOD TIME TO TALK ABOUT THE
CORONAVIRUS, HOW WE GOT TO THIS
POINT, WHAT'S CURRENTLY BEING
DONE, AND HOW THIS VIRUS HAS
EXPOSED GOVERNMENTAL
VULNERABILITIES AS IT HAS SPREAD
AROUND THE WORLD.
AND LET'S START WITH HOW ALL
OF THIS BEGAN.
THE FIRST DOCUMENTED CASES
CROPPED UP AT THE END OF
LAST YEAR IN WUHAN, CHINA.
AND INITIALLY, THE CHINESE
GOVERNMENT WASN'T JUST SLOW TO
RESPOND; OFFICIALS TRIED TO
SILENCE AND PUNISH MEDICAL
PROFESSIONALS WHO TRIED TO
RAISE THE ALARM, WHICH ALMOST
CERTAINLY HELPED THE DISEASE
TO SPREAD.
AND WHEN THE CHINESE LEADERSHIP
FINALLY DECIDED TO ACT, IT MOVED
AGGRESSIVELY, PUTTING NEARLY
50 MILLION PEOPLE ON LOCKDOWN.
>> ONE MONTH AFTER WUHAN SEALED
OFF ITS BORDERS, ITS ROADS ARE
EMPTY AND CONSTRUCTION SITES ARE
ABANDONED.
RESIDENTS HAD BEEN PERMITTED
TO LEAVE THEIR RESIDENTIAL
COMPOUNDS ONCE EVERY SEVEN DAYS.
BUT THIS WEEK, LOUDSPEAKERS
PLACED ON STREET CORNERS
NOTIFIED HOUSEHOLDS
OF A CHANGE.
>> FROM NOW ON,
NOBODY CAN GO OUT.
>> John: HOLY SHIT.
A TALKING BOX THAT TELLS YOU YOU
CAN'T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE FEELS
PRETTY DYSTOPIAN.
TO BE HONEST, I MUCH PREFER
OUR DYSTOPIA, WHERE A TALKING
BOX LISTENS TO ALL OUR
CONVERSATIONS AND THEN TELLS
JEFF BEZOS WHEN I'LL NEED
UNDERWEAR NEXT.
IT'S SUCH A CONVENIENT WAY TO
GIVE UP EVERYTHING.
PEOPLE ON LOCKDOWN IN CHINA ARE
IN A VERY UNPLEASANT SITUATION,
BUT THEY'VE BEEN DOING THEIR
BEST TO TRY AND AMUSE
THEMSELVES, LIKE THIS MAN,
WHO EITHER IMPROVISED
A COOL MASK OR FINALLY FOUND
A SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE REASON TO
INDULGE IN A VERY SPECIFIC
FETISH.
OTHER CITIZENS MADE MAKESHIFT
HAZMAT SUITS OUT OF INFLATABLE
CHRISTMAS TREE AND DINOSAUR
COSTUMES, WHILE STILL OTHERS,
STUCK INDOORS, WERE REDUCED TO
CREATING THEIR OWN ENTERTAINMENT
LIKE PLAYING SNOOKER WITH
CHOPSTICKS AND CHERRY TOMATOES.
AND, LOOK, I HAVE TO SAY:
THAT IS THE MOST CULINARY
RESOURCEFULNESS I'VE SEEN SINCE
CLAIRE FROM THE BON APPETIT TEST
KITCHEN MADE COMBOS FROM
SCRATCH.
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU DO THIS,
CLAIRE.
THEY SELL THEM IN STORES!
BUT DESPITE THE GOVERNMENT
EFFORT AT CONTAINMENT, OVER
2700 PEOPLE HAVE NOW DIED
IN CHINA, AMONG THEM
DR. LI WENLIANG, AN EARLY
WHISTLEBLOWER SILENCED BY
OFFICIALS, WHO HAS SINCE BECOME
A SYMBOL FOR CITIZENS' ANGER AT
THEIR GOVERNMENT'S RESPONSE.
SO THAT IS HOW THIS ALL BEGAN.
AND THE CORONAVIRUS HAS SINCE
SPREAD TO MORE THAN 60 OTHER
COUNTRIES, WHO'VE HANDLED IT
WITH VARYING DEGREES OF SUCCESS.
VIETNAM, FOR INSTANCE, MOVED
QUICKLY, AND AMONG OTHER THINGS,
PRODUCED THIS INCREDIBLE PUBLIC
INFORMATION VIDEO ABOUT HOW TO
LIMIT ITS SPREAD THROUGH PROPER
HYGIENE.
♪ ♪
>> John: YES!
YES!
VIETNAM MADE A SONG ABOUT
WASHING YOUR HANDS TO PREVENT
CORONAVIRUS INFECTION, AND IT
ABSOLUTELY SLAPS!
THAT'S A GENUINE CLUB BANGER,
RIGHT THERE.
IN FACT, PEOPLE LIKED THAT SONG
SO MUCH, IT EVEN BECAME A TIKTOK
DANCE CHALLENGE.
♪ ♪
>> John: THE SONG'S INCREDIBLE!
IT MAKES ALL OTHER SONGS ABOUT
WASHING YOURSELF LOOK LIKE
TRASH.
AND I'M TALKING TO YOU,
ERNIE.
LOOK, YOU'VE BEEN ON TOP OF THE
PILE FOR A LONG TIME, BUT YOU
GOT COMPLACENT, DIDN'T YOU?
AND WHILE OTHER ARTISTS WERE OUT
THERE INNOVATING, YOU KEPT
SINGING THE SAME OLD DUCKY SONG.
YOU LOST THE HUNGER, SON!
YOU FELL ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL
AND MUSIC MOVED ON WITHOUT YOU.
BUT NOT ALL COUNTRIES HAVE
RESPONDED AS WELL.
JAPAN FAMOUSLY BOTCHED ITS
HANDLING OF THE CRUISE SHIP
DIAMOND PRINCESS BY QUARANTINING
MORE THAN 3500 PASSENGERS AND
CREW ON THE SHIP ITSELF -- WHICH
HAD DISASTROUS RESULTS.
>> MORE THAN 620 CASES HAVE BEEN
CONFIRMED AMONG THE PASSENGERS
AND CREW ON THE CRUISE SHIP,
RAISING WORRIES ABOUT HOW THE
VIRUS WAS ABLE TO SPREAD SO
RAPIDLY AMONG PEOPLE WHO SHOULD
HAVE BEEN ISOLATED.
>> John: OH, I'LL TELL YOU HOW
IT SPREAD SO RAPIDLY: THEY WERE
ON A CRUISE SHIP.
UNDER THE BEST OF CIRCUMSTANCES,
A CRUISE SHIP IS A FLOATING
PETRI DISH.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE HELD THEM
IN A CHUCK E CHEESE BALL PIT.
THE SPREAD WAS SO BAD THAT SEVEN
PASSENGERS HAVE SINCE DIED, AND
THE W.H.O.'S LIST OF CORONAVIRUS
CASES BY COUNTRY ACTUALLY HAD
A SEPARATE LINE JUST FOR
THE DIAMOND PRINCESS.
WHICH IS TERRIFYING, ALTHOUGH,
AGAIN, IN TERMS OF CRUISES,
STILL NOT THE WORST.
IF YOUR OPTIONS ARE THE DIAMOND
PRINCESS OR THE ACTUAL CARNIVAL
CRUISE WHERE THE "TOILETS WERE
SO FULL OF SHIT THEY WERE
FALLING OFF THE WALLS," I'M
BOOKING THE S.S. CORONAVIRUS
TEN TIMES OUT OF TEN.
TEN OUT OF TEN.
AND IN SOME COUNTRIES, THE
RESPONSE WAS HANDLED SO BADLY,
YOU COULD WATCH THE VIRUS SPREAD
LIVE ON TELEVISION.
IN IRAN, A GOVERNMENT
SPOKESPERSON ATTEMPTED TO
REASSURE PEOPLE THE VIRUS WAS
UNDER CONTROL, WHILE THE DEPUTY
HEALTH MINISTER STANDING NEXT TO
HIM STARTED MOPPING AWAY FEVER
SWEAT LIKE AN ALABAMA PREACHER.
THAT GUY WAS LATER CONFIRMED TO
HAVE THE CORONAVIRUS, ALTHOUGH
NOT BEFORE GOING ON TV AGAIN TO
EXPLAIN AWAY HIS SYMPTOMS WHILE
COUGHING ALL OVER THE FUCKING
STUDIO.
AND IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH,
WHICH IT IS, IT TURNS OUT THE
IRANIAN PEOPLE NOW TRUST THEIR
GOVERNMENT SO LITTLE, THEY THINK
HE WAS STAGING THE WHOLE THING.
>> THEY SAY THEY'RE LYING THAT
THEY HAVE CORONA, THEY WANT TO
-- THIS IS PROPAGANDA.
>> THEY THINK HE'S NOT GOT IT?
>> NO, NO, NO, THEY SAY THAT
HE'S LYING AND IN THREE DAYS
HE'S GOING TO COME OUT TO SAY,
"OH, YOU SEE, I'VE RECOVERED,
IT'S NOT SERIOUS, DON'T WORRY."
THE LEVEL OF MISTRUST TOWARD
IRANIAN POLITICIANS IS SO DEEP
THAT THEY WOULDN'T BELIEVE
ANYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF THEIR
MOUTH.
>> John: RIGHT, IRANIANS WON'T
BELIEVE ANYTHING THAT COMES OUT
OF THEIR POLITICIANS' MOUTHS,
EVEN IF THAT THING IS THE ACTUAL
CORONAVIRUS.
AND THAT IS A HUGE PROBLEM.
BECAUSE IT IS GOING TO BE HARD
FOR ANY GOVERNMENT TO GIVE
EFFECTIVE ADVICE IF PEOPLE
DON'T BELIEVE IN THEM.
TRUST IN INSTITUTIONS IS
CRITICAL WHEN TRYING TO CONTAIN
A POSSIBLE PANDEMIC.
AND UNFORTUNATELY, THAT BRINGS
US TO THE UNITED STATES'
RESPONSE TO THIS VIRUS,
AND SPECIFICALLY TO THIS GUY.
BECAUSE THE WHITE HOUSE'S
MESSAGING HAS BEEN ALL OVER
THE PLACE THIS WEEK.
IN FACT, ON TUESDAY -- THE VERY
SAME DAY THE CDC SAID THAT THE
SPREAD OF CORONAVIRUS
IN THE UNITED STATES WAS "NOT
A QUESTION OF IF, BUT WHEN" --
ONE OF TRUMP'S TOP ADVISERS WAS
ON TV SAYING THIS.
>> WE HAVE CONTAINED THIS.
WE HAVE CONTAINED THIS.
I WON'T SAY AIRTIGHT, BUT IT'S
PRETTY CLOSE TO AIRTIGHT.
>> John: WELL, WHICH IS IT?
BECAUSE "AIRTIGHT" VERSUS
"CLOSE TO AIRTIGHT" IS A PRETTY
CRUCIAL DISTINCTION!
IT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
HAVING A WORKING SUBMARINE AND
A COOL METAL TUBE TO DIE IN.
AND THE DISSONANCE THERE SPEAKS
TO A REAL PROBLEM.
BECAUSE IN A GLOBAL HEALTH
EMERGENCY, YOU WANT TO HEAR FROM
THE MANY TRAINED EXPERTS WHO
WE ARE LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE
WORKING IN OUR NATION'S PUBLIC
HEALTH AGENCIES.
YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR FROM
POLITICIANS.
AND YET, ON WEDNESDAY,
THE PRESIDENT HAD A SURPRISE
ANNOUNCEMENT.
>> PRESIDENT TRUMP ALONGSIDE HIS
TOP HEALTH ADVISERS SOUGHT TO
CALM A NERVOUS NATION, NAMING
A NEW POINT PERSON TO LEAD THE
ADMINISTRATION'S RESPONSE.
>> I'M GONNA BE PUTTING OUR
VICE PRESIDENT, MIKE PENCE,
IN CHARGE.
HE'S GOT A CERTAIN TALENT FOR
THIS.
>> John: DOES HE?
DOES HE, THOUGH?
I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THE
ONLY THINGS PENCE HAD A "CERTAIN
TALENT" FOR WERE AVOIDING
OFF-LEASH WOMEN, SUCKING UP
TO PEOPLE WHO REPRESENT THE
ANTITHESIS OF EVERYTHING HE
CLAIMS TO BELIEVE IN, AND
MISERABLY FAILING AT PULLING OFF
A HAIRCUT KNOWN AS
"THE JUDI DENCH."
PUTTING ASIDE PENCE'S -- TO PUT
IT MILDLY -- EXTREMELY MIXED
RECORD AS GOVERNOR OF INDIANA ON
MANAGING PUBLIC HEALTH ISSUES,
EVEN THE ANNOUNCEMENT THAT HE
WOULD BE LEADING THE TASK FORCE
WAS A DEBACLE.
BECAUSE ALEX AZAR, THE SECRETARY
OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES,
WAS ALREADY SUPPOSED TO BE
CHAIRING THAT TASK FORCE, AND
TRUMP DIDN'T SEEM INTERESTED IN
CLARIFYING THEIR ROLES -- OR,
INDEED, REALLY BEING THERE AT
ALL.
>> WISH HIM GOOD LUCK.
>> WHO?
>> SECRETARY AZAR, GIVEN THE
PENCE MOVE, STILL GOING TO BE--
>> OH, NO, I HAVE GREAT
CONFIDENCE IN--
>> I THINK -- I THINK, IF I
COULD JUST CLARIFY, I THINK
YOU'RE NOT GETTING THE POINT
HERE.
I'M STILL CHAIRMAN OF THE TASK
FORCE.
>> YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE YOU'RE
BEING REPLACED?
>> NOT IN THE LEAST.
>> HE'S NOT.
>> WHEN THIS WAS FIRST MENTIONED
TO ME, I WAS DELIGHTED THAT I
GET TO HAVE THE VICE PRESIDENT
HELPING ME IN THIS WAY.
DELIGHTED.
ABSOLUTELY
>> John: YEAH, HE JUST LEFT.
THIS WAS A PRESS CONFERENCE
MEANT TO CALM THE NATION, AND
WITH THE MOST BASIC QUESTION OF
WHO WOULD BE RUNNING THINGS
SEEMINGLY UP IN THE AIR,
HE JUST FUCKED RIGHT OFF.
AND LOOK, I KNOW WE'RE USED TO
ONLY SEEING BUSINESSMAN TRUMP,
BUT IT IS NICE TO OCCASIONALLY
GET A GLIMPSE OF THE ABSENTEE
FATHER IN HIM, TOO.
AND LOOK, AND IT IS MORE THAN
JUST A LACK OF LEADERSHIP.
IT IS ALSO CONCERNING THAT
TRUMP'S MAIN FOCUS, WHEN
DISCUSSING THIS VIRUS,
SEEMS TO BE DOWNPLAYING
ANY POTENTIALLY BAD NEWS.
HE STARTED THIS WEEK TWEETING,
"THE CORONAVIRUS IS VERY MUCH
UNDER CONTROL."
BUT THERE WAS NO WAY TO BE SURE
OF THAT, AS HE FRANKLY SHOULD'VE
KNOWN.
MANY OF THE TEST KITS THE CDC
INITIALLY DEVELOPED TO DETECT
THE VIRUS APPARENTLY "DIDN'T
WORK AS EXPECTED," MEANING THAT,
AS RECENTLY AS WEDNESDAY,
THE CDC AND ONLY SIX STATE LABS
WERE TESTING FOR THE VIRUS.
THANKFULLY, THAT HAS SINCE BEEN
FIXED, AND WE'RE PRESUMABLY
GOING TO FIND MORE CASES NOW.
BUT TRUMP SEEMED RELUCTANT
TO ADMIT THAT THAT WILL HAPPEN.
IN FACT, YOU CAN WATCH THAT
DYNAMIC IN REAL TIME, AS
OFFICIALS AT THE PRESS
CONFERENCE SAY ONE THING,
AND HE TRIES TO MASSAGE IT
INTO SOMETHING ELSE.
>> WE CAN EXPECT TO SEE MORE
CASES IN THE UNITED STATES.
>> WE DO EXPECT MORE CASES.
>> WHEN YOU HAVE 15 PEOPLE AND
THE 15 WITHIN A COUPLE OF DAYS
IS GOING TO BE DOWN TO CLOSE TO
ZERO, THAT IS A PRETTY GOOD JOB
WE HAVE DONE.
>> John: YEAH, BUT IT WON'T BE
CLOSE TO ZERO, WILL IT?
YOUR EXPERTS JUST SAID CASES
WILL GO UP, AND YOU SAID THEY
WILL GO DOWN.
YOU CAN'T JUST IGNORE REAL
NUMBERS AND MAKE UP ONES
THAT YOU LIKE BETTER.
THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH A
PRESIDENT WHOSE ENTIRE LIFE HAS
BEEN A SERIES OF LOW-STAKES LIES
-- A MAN WHO HAS LIED ABOUT,
AMONG OTHER THINGS,
HIS NET WORTH,
HIS "APPRENTICE" RATINGS,
THE NUMBER OF FLOORS IN TRUMP
TOWER, THE SIZE OF HIS ELECTORAL
COLLEGE VICTORY, THE ATTENDANCE
AT HIS RALLIES, WHETHER IT
RAINED AT HIS INAUGURAL,
AND EVEN WHETHER OR NOT HE WAS
INVITED ON THIS "VERY BORING AND
LOW-RATED SHOW."
WHICH HE WASN'T!
HE WASN'T!
IT WAS A LIE!
BUT THERE IS A DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN LYING ABOUT SOMETHING
THAT MEANS LITERALLY NOTHING,
AND LYING ABOUT THE SPREAD OF
A DEADLY DISEASE.
AND THAT IS NOT THE ONLY TIME
THAT TRUMP HAS PEDDLED FALSE
HOPE.
IF YOU'VE SEEN HIM SPEAK ON THIS
VIRUS AT ALL LATELY, YOU MAY'VE
SEEN HIM REPEATEDLY REASSURE
EVERYONE THAT THERE'S A CHANCE
THE END OF THE OUTBREAK IS
JUST AROUND THE CORNER.
>> THERE'S A THEORY THAT IN
APRIL, WHEN IT GETS WARM,
HISTORICALLY, THAT HAS BEEN ABLE
TO KILL THE VIRUS.
>> YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE
THINK THAT GOES AWAY IN APRIL,
WITH THE HEAT, AS THE HEAT
COMES IN.
>> YOU KNOW, IN APRIL,
SUPPOSEDLY, IT DIES WITH THE
HOTTER WEATHER, AND THAT'S
A BEAUTIFUL DATE TO LOOK
FORWARD TO.
>> John: OKAY, SO FIRST, NEVER
CALL CALENDAR DATES "BEAUTIFUL."
I DON'T KNOW HOW HE DID IT,
BUT I'M PRETTY SURE TRUMP JUST
SEXUALLY HARASSED
THE MONTH OF APRIL.
BUT SECOND: AGAIN, THE TRUTH IS
MUCH MORE COMPLICATED THERE.
BECAUSE YES, SOME VIRUSES DO
RECEDE IN WARMER MONTHS.
AND YES, HISTORY'S WORST FLU
PANDEMIC, IN 1918, DID EBB AWAY
OVER THE SUMMER.
BUT IT'S WORTH KNOWING THAT,
COME THE FALL, THE VIRUS
RETURNED, "WAS FAR MORE SEVERE,"
AND ENDED UP KILLING NEARLY
200,000 AMERICANS IN OCTOBER
ALONE.
THIS IS A BAD TIME TO HAVE
A PRESIDENT WHO CANNOT SPEAK
CLEARLY.
BECAUSE THERE'S ALREADY ENOUGH
BAD INFORMATION FLYING AROUND.
AND THE PRESIDENT'S FAVORITE
CHANNEL HAS BEEN A PARTICULAR
OFFENDER HERE.
FOX ANCHORS AND GUESTS HAVE
REPEATEDLY AMPLIFIED FALSE
CLAIMS -- FROM THE IDEA THE
VIRUS WAS CREATED IN A CHINESE
BIOWEAPONS LAB, TO THE BASELESS
INTERNET RUMOR THAT IT CAME FROM
CHINESE PEOPLE EATING BAT SOUP,
WHICH ONE COMMENTATOR USED AS AN
EXCUSE TO SAY HOW HE REALLY
FEELS.
>> BAT SOUP MAY BE DELICIOUS TO
CERTAIN PEOPLE.
BUT UNFORTUNATELY, BATS ARE THE
WORLD'S GREATEST RESERVOIR FOR
VIRUSES.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT
CHINA?
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT
A TOTALITARIAN DICTATORSHIP
WHERE IT'S OKAY TO SELL LIVE
VIRUS-INFECTED BATS IN OPEN AIR
MARKETPLACES AND THEN HAVE
BUSINESS TRAVEL AND TOURIST
TRAVEL BETWEEN THAT COUNTRY AND
THE CIVILIZED WORLD?
>> John: WHOA!
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY.
HE REALLY MOVES FROM THE VAGUELY
DOG-WHISTLE-Y "WHAT ARE WE GOING
TO DO ABOUT CHINA" ALL THE WAY
TO "IT'S NOT PART OF THE
CIVILIZED WORLD" AT LIGHTNING
SPEED.
TRULY, THAT MAN IS
THE USAIN BOLT OF RACISM,
A COMPARISON I'M CERTAIN
HE ABSOLUTELY HATES.
BUT LOOK, IT GETS WORSE, BECAUSE
SOME PEOPLE ARE CLEARLY TRYING
TO PROFIT OFF THE PRESENT PANIC,
LIKE TELEVANGELIST
JIM BAKKER, WHO HAS A CURE HE'D
LOVE TO SELL YOU.
>> WOULD YOU RECOMMEND, AS A
DOCTOR, PEOPLE TO HAVE SILVER IN
THEIR HOUSE FOR A PANDEMIC?
>> YOU NEVER WANT TO BE --
YOU NEVER WANT TO BE WITHOUT
SILVER.
>> YOU'RE SAYING THAT SILVER
SOLUTION WOULD BE EFFECTIVE --
>> WELL, LET'S SAY IT HASN'T
BEEN TESTED ON THIS STRAIN OF
THE CORONAVIRUS, BUT IT'S BEEN
TESTED ON OTHER STRAINS OF THE
CORONAVIRUS AND HAS BEEN ABLE
TO ELIMINATE IT WITHIN 12 HOURS.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> TOTALLY ELIMINATE IT.
KILLS IT.
DE-ACTIVATES IT.
>> John: OKAY, THAT IS
RIDICULOUS.
SILVER DOES NOT KILL
CORONAVIRUS.
SILVER KILLS WEREWOLVES.
WHICH MEANS FIRST, YOU NEED TO
GET YOUR CORONAVIRUS BITTEN
BY A MICROSCOPIC WEREWOLF.
AND WHERE AM I GOING TO FIND ONE
OF THOSE IN THIS ECONOMY?
WELL, THAT'S RIGHT: FROM OUR
ONLINE STORE.
FOR JUST $49.99, WE'LL SEND YOU
JOHN OLIVER'S PREMIUM WEREWOLF
SOLUTION.
IT CONTAINS MILLIONS OF
MICROSCOPIC WEREWOLVES READY TO
SPREAD THEIR BESTIAL CURSE TO
YOUR CORONAVIRUS.
AND THEN YOU CAN USE THE SILVER
SOLUTION, WHICH IS BASED ON THE
EXACT SAME AMOUNT OF SCIENCE.
THE TRUTH IS -- THE TRUTH IS,
WHILE CLINICAL TRIALS ARE
UNDERWAY, THERE IS NO TREATMENT
FOR THE CORONAVIRUS
AT THE MOMENT, AND A VACCINE
COULD TAKE BETWEEN A YEAR AND
18 MONTHS TO DEVELOP.
AND AT THIS POINT, YOU MAY BE
WONDERING, HOW SCARED SHOULD
YOU BE?
AND THE ANSWER IS PROBABLY
"A BIT."
A BIT.
I DON'T WANT TO BE ALARMIST
HERE, BUT I ALSO DON'T WANT TO
MINIMIZE WHAT WE COULD BE FACING
HERE.
IT'S REALLY ABOUT TRYING TO
STRIKE A SENSIBLE BALANCE.
BASICALLY, IF YOU'RE DRINKING
BLEACH TO PROTECT YOURSELF RIGHT
NOW, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY CALM
THE FUCK DOWN.
IF YOU ARE, SAY, LICKING SUBWAY
POLES BECAUSE YOU'RE CERTAIN
NOTHING CAN HURT YOU, MAYBE
DON'T DO THAT.
YOU WANT TO STAY SOMEWHERE
BETWEEN THOSE EXTREMES.
DON'T BE COMPLACENT AND DON'T BE
A FUCKING IDIOT.
AND AS A PRACTICAL MATTER, UNTIL
EXPERTS ADVISE THAT THIS THREAT
IS OVER, WE SHOULD ALL BE
FOLLOWING SOME BASIC ADVICE.
FIRST: DON'T BE RACIST.
THAT'S JUST GOOD GENERAL ADVICE
FOR NOW AND FOR LATER.
TWO: DON'T HOARD MASKS.
WHILE I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU
MIGHT WANT TO DO THAT, YOU'RE
POTENTIALLY TAKING AWAY MASKS
FROM THE PEOPLE WHO NEED THEM:
HEALTHCARE PROVIDERS AND
THOSE WHO ARE SICK.
THREE: CHECK THE CDC WEBSITE FOR
FUTURE UPDATES, BECAUSE THEY
COULD HAVE ADDITIONAL GUIDANCE
AS THIS DEVELOPS.
AND FINALLY -- AND THIS IS MORE
IMPORTANT THAN IT MIGHT SOUND
-- WASH YOUR HANDS
REGULARLY, FOR AT LEAST
20 SECONDS.
AND I KNOW THAT LAST LESSON IS
BORING AND EASY TO FORGET, BUT
LUCKILY, WE NOW KNOW THAT
THERE'S A WAY TO ENSURE IT NEVER
LEAVES YOUR HEAD.
HIT IT!
♪ ♪
THAT SONG FUCKS.
IT FUCKS SO HARD!
AND NOW THIS.
♪ ♪
>> Announcer: AND NOW
CHRIS MATTHEWS
JUST CANNOT SEEM TO NAIL HIS
SIGN OFF.
>> THAT IS "HARDBALL" FOR NOW,
THANKS FOR BEING WITH US.
"ALL IN WITH CHRIS HAYES" STARTS
RIGHT NOW.
THAT'S HA -- "HARDBALL" FOR NOW.
THANKS FOR BEING WITH US.
THAT IS "HARDBALL" NOW.
THANKS FOR BEING WITH US.
THAT IS "HARDBALL" FOR NOW.
BEING WITH -- THANKS FOR BEING
WITH US.
THANK YOU FOR BEING WITH US
TONIGHT.
THANKS FOR BEING WITH US
TONIGHT.
THANKS FOR BEING US.
THANK FOR BEING WITH US.
THANKS FOR BEING WITH US --
THANKS FOR BEING WITH US.
"ALL IN WITH CHRIS HAYES" STARTS
RIGHT NOW.
THANKS FOR BEING WITH US.
"ALL IN WITH CHRIS HAYES" STARTS
RIGHT NOW.
"ALL IN WITH CHRIS HAYES" STARTS
RIGHT NOW.
"ALL IN WITH CHRIS HAYES" STARTS
RIGHT NOW.
ALL IN WITH MSN -- "ALL IN WITH
CHRIS HAYES" STARTS RIGHT NOW.
"ALL IN WITH CHRIS HAY --
CHRIS HAYES --
THAT IS "HARDBALL" FOR NOW.
THANKS --
"ALL IN WITH CHRIS HAYES RIGHTS
NOW.
RIGHT NOW.
>> John: MOVING ON.
FINALLY TONIGHT, I WANT TO TALK
ABOUT BASEBALL.
THE ONLY SPORT THAT INVOLVES
READING MADE UP SIGN LANGUAGE
WHILE STARING DIRECTLY
AT SOMEONE'S DICK.
THAT'S WHAT THE SPORT IS.
WITH THE NEW SEASON JUST AROUND
THE CORNER, A HUGE SCANDAL HAS
ENGULFED THE SPORT.
AND I'M NOT REFERRING TO THE
HOUSTON ASTROS CHEATING THEIR
WAY TO A CHAMPIONSHIP.
I'M ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT
SOMETHING EVEN MORE IMPORTANT.
>> HE'S ONE OF THE MOST
RECOGNIZABLE MASCOTS IN SPORTS
BUT HE COULD SOON BE A FREE
AGENT.
UNLESS THE TEAM PAYS OUT
MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO KEEP HIM,
THE PHILLIE PHANATIC COULD BE A
THING OF THE PAST.
>> WHY DO YOU FEEL LIKE IT'S,
YOU KNOW, THE HEART AND SOUL OF
THE TEAM?
>> BECAUSE HE EMBODIES
EVERYTHING THAT IS PHILADELPHIA.
HE'S REAL!
>> John: NOW, I HATE TO BREAK IT
TO THAT GUY, BECAUSE BASED ON
HIS FACE PAINT, MULLET, AND
COLORFUL BANDANA, HE IS LIVING
HIS ABSOLUTE BEST LIFE, BUT THE
PHILLIE PHANATIC IS NOT REAL.
HE'S JUST A PERSON IN A COSTUME.
ALTHOUGH, FUN FACT: THE PERSON
INSIDE IT?
JESSICA LANGE.
AND SHE HAS NEVER MISSED A
SINGLE GAME.
BUT IT'S TRUE.
THE PHILLIES ARE IN A LAWSUIT
OVER THEIR OWN MASCOT, AND
THE CONCERN IS THEY COULD LOSE
THE RIGHTS TO IT.
AND IF YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF
THE PHANATIC BEFORE,
YOU'RE FRANKLY IN FOR A TREAT.
BECAUSE HE'S INCREDIBLE.
HERE HE IS TEACHING HIS COUSIN
GRITTY HOW TO DO HIS SIGNATURE
BELLY DANCE.
HERE HE IS DUMPING POPCORN ALL
OVER THE PHILLIES' TV
BROADCASTERS.
HERE HE IS FIRING HOT DOGS FROM
A CANNON INTO THE CROWD.
HERE HE IS DRESSED IN A KISS
OUTFIT PLAYING A GUITAR THAT'S
FIRING SPARKS.
AND HERE HE IS COMPLETELY
BLINDSIDING A MINOR LEAGUE
BASEBALL MASCOT WHO WAS
RUNNING THE BASES.
NOW, WAS THAT OTHER MASCOT OKAY?
ASK YOURSELF THIS:
DOES IT MATTER?
LAST YEAR, THE PHANATIC EVEN
RELEASED A FOUR-HOUR LONG
YULE LOG VIDEO FOR CHRISTMAS,
MUCH OF WHICH IS HIM JUST
SITTING IN A ROCKING CHAIR,
QUIETLY READING A BOOK,
ROASTING MARSHMALLOWS IN
THE FIREPLACE, AND AT ONE POINT
GETTING TANGLED IN CHRISTMAS
LIGHTS.
AND LOOK, NO DISRESPECT TO
MARTIN SCORSESE, BUT THAT IS
CLEARLY THE BEST FOUR-HOUR FILM
OF 2019.
IT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE.
THE POINT IS, THE PHANATIC IS
AN ABSOLUTE MASTER OF THE
MASCOTICAL ARTS.
AND THIS LAWSUIT IS GENUINELY
COMPLICATED, BUT IN SHORT,
IT REVOLVES AROUND WHETHER
THE COMPANY WHO HELPED
DESIGN THE PHANATIC HAS THE
RIGHT TO RECLAIM THE COPYRIGHT
AFTER WHAT'S BEEN 35 YEARS.
THE FILINGS IN THE CASE ARE
SPECTACULAR.
AMONG OTHER THINGS, THE TWO
PARTIES BICKER ABOUT WHETHER
THE PHANATIC IS A COSTUME OR --
AS THE COMPANY CLAIMED IN ITS
ORIGINAL SUBMISSION TO THE U.S.
COPYRIGHT OFFICE -- AN ARTISTIC
SCULPTURE.
AND AT ONE POINT, THE PHILLIES
ARGUE THAT WITHOUT SOMEONE IN
THE COSTUME, THE PHANATIC WOULD
HAVE APPEARED FORMLESS, AND TO
ILLUSTRATE THAT, THEY PROVIDED
THIS ACTUAL PHOTO OF AN EMPTY
COSTUME LYING ON THE FLOOR,
WHICH WOULD UNDOUBTEDLY BE THE
MOST HORRIFYING WAY FOR THIS GUY
TO FIND OUT THAT THE PHANATIC
IS NOT REAL.
NEVER SHOW HIM THAT PHOTO.
HE CANNOT HANDLE IT.
WELL, LAST SUNDAY, THE DISPUTE
TOOK YET ANOTHER TURN WHEN -- IN
A MOVE THAT SOME THINK WAS
PROMPTED BY THE LAWSUIT -- THE
PHILLIES SUDDENLY INTRODUCED
A BRAND NEW
PHANATIC DESIGN.
>> MANY CHANGES ARE SUBTLE, LIKE
A SHORTER SNOUT, A LIGHTER BLUE
COLOR AROUND THE EYES, A PAIR OF
RED SHOES AND BLUE SOCKS, AND
SCALES UNDER THE ARMS.
THE LONGER BLUE TAIL WAS A BIT
MORE OBVIOUS.
>> John: NOW I KNOW THAT IT
MIGHT NOT LOOK TO YOU LIKE
THERE'S MUCH OF A DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN THE NEW AND THE OLD
PHANATIC.
BUT BELIEVE ME, THERE VERY MUCH
IS.
AND FORGET THE FACT HE NOW HAS
SCALES FOR NO REASON, OR THE
BULLSHIT STAR SHAPES AROUND HIS
EYES.
THEY CHANGED THE PHANATIC'S
HONKER!
LOOK AT IT!
IT'S A CYLINDER NOW!
WHICH IS RIDICULOUS.
THE PHANATIC'S HONKER IS
SUPPOSED TO BE CONICAL!
HE'S SUPPOSED TO HAVE A CONICAL
HONKER!
AND NOW THEY MADE HIM LOOK
STUPID.
YOU RESPECT THE CONICAL HONKER!
HASHTAG
#RespectTheConicalHonker.
THE POINT IS: THE OLD PHANATIC
WAS PERFECT JUST THE WAY HE WAS.
LOOK AT HIM: HE'S A
SESAME PLACE 10!
BUT NOW?
HE'S A TIMES SQUARE 6, AT BEST.
AND I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO
HATES THE NEW DESIGN.
FANS IN PHILADELPHIA EVEN
STARTED THE HASHTAG
#NotMyPhanatic, WHICH THEY'VE
USED TO VOICE THEIR JUSTIFIED
ANGER.
BUT PERHAPS THE MOST IMPORTANT
PART OF THIS STORY IS THAT IF
THE PHILLIES LOSE THIS CASE,
THERE IS A QUESTION OVER WHETHER
THE PHANATIC COULD THEORETICALLY
BECOME A FREE AGENT, MEANING HE
COULD MOVE TO A DIFFERENT TEAM,
OR A DIFFERENT BRAND ENTIRELY.
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS WHERE
WE COME IN.
BECAUSE LOOK: WE'RE NO STRANGER
TO THE MASCOT GAME HERE, BUT
WE'VE NEVER HAD AN OFFICIAL
SHOW MASCOT BEFORE, AND TO BE
HONEST, AFTER LEARNING ABOUT
THIS, I'M FEELING LIKE I WANT
ONE NOW.
SO IF THE PHANATIC DOES INDEED
HIT THE OPEN MARKET, THEN WE'RE
PUTTING OURSELVES AT THE FRONT
OF THE LINE.
SO PHANATIC, IF YOU'RE TIRED OF
BEING TREATED TERRIBLY, WE HAVE
AN OFFER THAT WE'D LIKE YOU TO
CONSIDER.
>> YOU WERE THE FACE OF
PHILADELPHIA SPORTS FOR OVER
40 YEARS.
>> THE PHILLIE PHANATIC.
>> PHILLIE PHANATIC.
>> BUT ALL GOOD THINGS
MUST COME TO AN END.
SOMETIMES, A HERO NEEDS A NEW
CHALLENGE, A NEW HOME, A HOME
THAT DOESN'T WANT TO CHANGE YOU
INTO WHATEVER THE FUCK IS.
A HOME THAT RESPECTS
THE CONICAL HONKER.
SURE, THEY TRIED TO KNOCK YOU
DOWN IN THE PAST.
BUT CHAMPIONS DON'T STAY DOWN.
THEY GET BACK UP, DUST OFF THEIR
FUR, AND SHOW THE WORLD WHAT
THEY'RE MADE OF.
PHANATIC, IT'S TIME TO LINK UP
WITH THE MOST STACKED MASCOT
LINEUP IN HISTORY.
♪ ♪
[DANCE MUSIC]
♪ ♪
>> WE'VE GOT AN EMPTY PEDESTAL
JUST WAITING FOR YOU.
IT'S TIME TO FULFILL YOUR
DESTINY.
MR. PHANATIC, YOU'RE ABOUT TO
BE A FREE AGENT, AND IF THERE IS
GONNA BE A BIDDING WAR,
WE'RE WILLING TO GO NUCLEAR.
NAME YOUR PRICE,
YOU MAGNIFICENT BEAST.
JOIN A NEW TEAM, AND BECOME
THE OFFICIAL MASCOT OF
"LAST WEEK TONIGHT."
NEW YORK IS WAITING FOR YOU.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: THAT'S RIGHT, PHANATIC,
YOUR NEW TEAM IS READY AND
WAITING FOR YOU!
WE'VE SPENT MONEY ON THINGS WAY
STUPIDER THAN THIS!
THAT'S OUR SHOW, THANK YOU SO
MUCH FOR WATCHING, SEE YOU NEXT
WEEK, GOOD NIGHT!
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYS) ♪