♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
John: WELCOME TO LAST WEEK
TONIGHT, I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANKS SO MUCH FOR JOINING US.
IT'S BEEN A BUSY WEEK FROM LORI
LIGHTFOOT LOSING HER REELECTION
BID IN CHICAGO, TO ALEC MURDAUGH
BEING FOUND GUILTY OF TWO
MURDERS.
AND OF ALL THE ILL-ADVISED
PIECES OF COMMENTARY CONCERNING
THIS BLOCKBUSTER TRIAL, PERHAPS
NONE WAS LESS WELCOME THAN THIS:
A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE ASKING
ME WHAT I THINK ABOUT THIS, UH,
ALEX MURDAUGH TRIAL.
I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY THINK I'M
AN EXPERT ON IT.
John: I DO, BECAUSE THERE
ARE EXACTLY TWO THINGS YOU HAVE
EXPERTISE ON IN THIS LIFE.
FOOTBALL AND MURDERING WIVES.
NO ONE IS ASKING FOR YOUR TAKE
ON HIS RUSHING AVERAGE SO I'M
GUESSING IT'S THE SECOND ONE, WE
ARE GOING TO START WITH OUR MAIN
STORY TONIGHT WHICH CONCERNS
RON DeSANTIS.
BUSINESS FRED FLINTSTONE.
DESANTIS HAS BEEN ALL OVER THE
NEWS THIS WEEK, AS HE IS
SEEMINGLY EVERY WEEK.
HE APPOINTED
HIS POLITICAL BACKERS TO A NEW
DISNEY OVERSIGHT BOARD.
HE RELEASED A NEW BOOK "THE
COURAGE TO BE FREE.
AND BY THE WAY, I HAVE
A LITTLE GIFT FOR OUR STUDIO
AUDIENCE, LOOK UNDER YOUR SEATS!
THE GIFT IS, IT ISN'T THERE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ IT.
YOU'RE WELCOME!
AND HE PUT OUT THIS EYE-CATCHING
VIDEO:
FLORIDA IS PROOF POSITIVE
THAT WE THE PEOPLE ARE NOT
DESTINED FOR FAILURE.
DESANTIS WINS.
HE HAS MADE A PROMISE, AND HE'S
MAKING GOOD ON THE PROMISE.
FLORIDA IS LEADING THE
NATION.
DECLINE IS A CHOICE.
SUCCESS IS ATTAINABLE.
AND FREEDOM IS WORTH FIGHTING
FOR.
John: WOW.
THERE'S A LOT THERE, BUT
"FLORIDA'S PROOF THAT WE THE
PEOPLE ARE NOT DESTINED FOR
FAILURE?"
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
LAST YEAR ALONE IN FLORIDA, A
MAN TRIED TO STEAL A CROSSBOW BY
STUFFING IT DOWN HIS PANTS, A
WOMAN INSTIGATED A POLICE CHASE
SO SHE COULD CROSS "GETTING
ARRESTED' OFF HER BUCKET LIST,
AND A MAN WAS CHARGED WITH
BATTERY FOR THROWING A HOT DOG
AT A POLICE OFFICER.
THE PEOPLE MAY NOT BE DESTINED
FOR FAILURE, BUT A LOT OF
INDIVIDUALS DOWN THERE SURE SEEM
DRAWN TO IT.
THIS FEELS LIKE A COORDINATED
ROLLOUT OF HIS INEVITABLE
PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN.
BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH HE HASN'T
YET ANNOUNCED HE'S RUNNING, HE'S
ALREADY MANY CONSERVATIVES'
FAVORITE CANDIDATE.
AFTER HIS LANDSLIDE REELECTION
AS GOVERNOR LAST NOVEMBER, THE
NEW YORK POST PROCLAIMED HIM
DEFUTURE.
WHICH IS, YOU KNOW,
DEEEEEPRESSING.
AND HE RECEIVED THIS CRINGE
INDUCING INTRODUCTION FROM KARI
LAKE:
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HE'S GOT.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE HEARD OF
THIS, BUT HE'S GOT B.D.E.
ANYBODY KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
ASK YOUR KIDS ABOUT IT LATER.
I CALL IT BIG DESANTIS ENERGY.
John: OKAY,
THAT'S TERRIBLE, BUT JUST TO BE
CLEAR: IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT B
D-E IS, PLEASE DON'T ASK YOUR
KIDS ABOUT IT LATER.
IN FACT, FOR THE SAKE OF THOSE
KIDS, I'LL JUST TELL YOU RIGHT
NOW: IT STANDS FOR BIG DICK
ENERGY, A KIND OF EASY, MAGNETIC
CONFIDENCE THAT DOESN'T
NECESSARILY MEAN YOU HAVE A
LARGE PENIS, OR, INDEED, A PENIS
AT ALL.
IT'S JUST THE ENERGY ASSOCIATED.
A LIST OF THOSE WITH B-D-E WOULD
INCLUDE
BRYAN CRANSTON, CHRISTINE
BARANSKI, THE PIXAR LAMP,
CHARLES DARWIN, AND SNOOPY.
DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?
PLEASE COME TO ME AND NOT YOUR
KIDS IF YOU HAVE ANY PENIS
RELATED SLANG EXPLAINED IN THE
FUTURE, IT IS WORTH NOTING IN
GENERAL YOU CAN'T PREDICT MUCH
ABOUT A PRESIDENTIAL RACE 20
MONTHS OUT, PREVIOUS EARLY
FRONTRUNNERS INCLUDE JEB BUSH,
THE LATE JEB BUSH?
I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S UNCLEAR.
HOWARD DEAN AND RUDY GIULIANI
WANDERING AROUND CENTRAL PARK
CUPBOARD AND THOUSAND ISLAND
DRESSING AND A SCREAMING ABOUT
THE ELECTION FRAUD TO PIGEONS.
AND RON DeSANTIS IS LIKELY TO
HAVE TO GO UP AGAINST
DONALD TRUMP WHICH HISTORY HAS
SHOWN IS NO EASY TASK.
AND WHILE TRUMP INITIALLY
STRUGGLED TO COIN A DAMAGING
NICKNAME FOR DESANTIS-- WITH
HIS FIRST ATTEMPT BEING THE
EMBARRASSINGLY WEAK "RON
DESANCTIMONIOUS", HE LATER
UNVEILED SOMETHING WITH A LOT
MORE PUNCH.
ACCORDING TO THE TIMES, TRUMP
HAS SPENT WEEKS TRYING TO GOAD
DESANTIS INTO A FIGHT,
DESCRIBING HIM IN CONVERSATIONS
AS MEATBALL RON.
[LAUGHTER]
John: APPARENTLY HE WAS
CALLING HIM MEATBALL RON.
I HATE TO SAY IT: TRUMP'S STILL
GOT IT!
IT'S PERFECTLY STUPID, CHILDISH,
AND HURTFUL IN A WAY THAT'S
DIFFICULT TO ARTICULATE.
ALSO IT'S A GOOD NAME ON ITS
OWN.
IF YOU'D ASKED ME TO DESCRIBE
THE PERFECT "MEATBALL RON" I'D
SAY I WOULD SAY A ROUND LITTLE
HAMSTER.
OR
THIS SMILEY CARTOON CHARACTER.
Y'KNOW-- LITTLE ARMS AND LEGS,
LITTLE MOUSTACHE, MAYBE VOICED
BY CHRIS PRATT IN A
STRAIGHT-TO-STREAMING KIDS MOVIE
WITH WEIRDLY CHRISTIAN
UNDERTONES THAT FEELS VAGUELY
ANTI-ITALIAN.
BUT THEN IF YOU SIMPLY SHOWED
ME THIS GUY, I'D SAY "FORGET
EVERYTHING I JUST SAID, "THAT'S'
MY MEATBALL RON RIGHT THERE."
THAT IS MY MEATBALL.
BUT WHATEVER TRUMP CALLS HIM IN
THE FUTURE, THE FACT IS,
MEATBALL RON REMAINS A STRONG
CONTENDER FOR THE REPUBLICAN
NOMINATION.
AND WHILE MANY COMMENTATORS
INSIST ON FRAMING HIM SOLELY IN
OPPOSITION TO TRUMP-- SAYING
THINGS LIKE THAT HE'S "DONALD
TRUMP WITH A BRAIN"-- THAT
THAT DOESN'T SEEM PARTICULARLY
MEANINGFUL.
IT'S LIKE SAYING, "THAT NEW
RESTAURANT IS BETTER THAN THIS
CHICKEN POT PIE THAT FELL ON THE
SIDEWALK."
SURE, IT IS BUT YOU'RE NOT
GIVING ME MUCH USEFUL
INFORMATION THERE.
SO IF I MAY QUOTE TOM BRADY'S
PUBLICIST WHILE REVIEWING HIS
OLD GOLF PHOTOS: "LET'S TAKE
TRUMP OUT OF THE PICTURE."
AND TONIGHT, LET'S EXAMINE
DESANTIS ON HIS OWN MERITS, AND
LOOK AT JUST SOME OF WHAT HE'S
DONE TO AND FOR THE OVER 20
MILLION PEOPLE OF FLORIDA.
BECAUSE IT'S SOMETIMES LESS AND
HE CLAIMED, SOMETIMES LESS THAN
HIS CRITICS CLAIM AND SOMETIMES
WORSE THAN
YOU MAY KNOW.
AND LET'S SKIP OVER HIS EARLY
LIFE-- THE SHORT VERSION BEING,
HE GREW UP IN FLORIDA, WAS A
STANDOUT BASEBALL PLAYER, AND
EVEN GOT TO THE LITTLE LEAGUE
WORLD SERIES WITH HIS LOCAL
TEAM.
HE THEN WENT TO YALE, THEN
HARVARD LAW SCHOOL AND
SUBSEQUENTLY JOINED THE NAVY AS
AN ATTORNEY.
EVENTUALLY HE MARRIED HIS WIFE
CASEY DESPITE HAVING THE MOST
BIZARRE DATING TACTIC I HAVE
EVER HEARD.
ACCORDING TO A FORMER CLASSMATE
HE WOULD APPARENTLY TELL DATES
HE LIKES THAI FOOD BUT
PRONOUNCED IT THIGH.
IF THEY CORRECTED HIM, HE WOULD
MAKE UP AN EXCUSE TO LEAVE,
BECAUSE QUOTE "HE DIDN'T WANT A
GIRLFRIEND WHO CORRECTED HIM."
AND IF THAT'S TRUE, WOW.
JUST IMAGINE BEING ON THAT DATE.
YOU'RE OUT AT DINNER, AND OUT OF
NOWHERE, YOUR DATE TELLS YOU HE
REALLY LIKES "THIGH" FOOD.
YOU THINK, "WAIT, DID HE JUST
CALL THAI FOOD "THIGH' FOOD?
I MUST HAVE MISHEARD."
BUT THEN HE GOES ON TO SAY HE
KNOWS A GREAT FIVE FOOD
KNOWS A GREAT THIGH FOOD
RESTAURANT IN THE AREA
WHILE STARING VERY INTENTLY AT
YOU, ALMOST STUDYING YOUR
REACTION.
SO AS POLITELY AS YOU CAN, YOU
SAY, "WAIT, DO YOU MEAN "THAI"
FOOD?
LIKE, FROM THAILAND?"
AND THEN SUDDENLY, HIS FACE
DROPS, AND HE SAYS 'SORRY, I
FORGOT I HAVE A DOCTOR'S
APPOINTMENT TONIGHT," AND HE
LEAVES, LEAVING YOU WITH THE
CHECK, AND THE GREATEST
FIRST-DATE DISASTER STORY OF ALL
TIME.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
THEN IN 2012 HE WAS ELECTED TO
CONGRESS.
WHILE THERE, A FORMER COLLEAGUE
SAYS HE ALWAYS HAD HIS EARBUDS
IN, TO KEEP PEOPLE AWAY.
AND IF YOU'RE PICKING UP ON A
THEME OF "RON DESANTIS DOESN'T
LIKE HEARING ANYONE'S VOICE BUT
HIS OWN," YOU'RE ONTO SOMETHING.
BECAUSE SINCE BECOMING FLORIDA
GOVERNOR, HE'S MADE "SHUTTING
DOWN DISSENTING VOICES"
SOMETHING OF A FEATURE.
HERE'S A CAMPAIGN AD FROM LAST
YEAR IN WHICH HE SHOWS OFF HIS
SKILL AT BATTLING THE MEDIA.
GOOD MORNING, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
THIS IS YOUR GOVERNOR SPEAKING.
TODAY'S TRAINING EVOLUTION:
DOGFIGHTING.
TAKING ON THE CORPORATE MEDIA.
NUMBER ONE: DON'T FIRE UNLESS
FIRED UPON, BUT WHEN THEY FIRE,
YOU FIRE BACK WITH OVERWHELMING
FORCE.
DOES IT SAY THAT IN THE
BILL?
I'M ASKING YOU TO
TELL ME WHAT'S IN THE BILL.
NUMBER TWO: NEVER, EVER BACK
DOWN FROM A FIGHT.
IF I COULD COMPLETE THE
QUESTION, THOUGH, WOULD YOU
RATHER IT BE-?
SO ARE YOU GONNA GIVE A
SPEECH OR ASK A QUESTION?
NUMBER THREE: DON'T ACCEPT
THEIR NARRATIVE.
IT'S WRONG, IT'S A FAKE
NARRATIVE, I JUST DISABUSED YOU
OF THE NARRATIVE, AND YOU DON'T
CARE ABOUT THE FACTS.
John: AMAZINGLY, UNTIL 40
SECONDS AGO, "TOP GUN: MAVERICK"
WAS MY FAVORITE MOVIE OF LAST
YEAR.
NOW, I'M SAD TO SAY, IT'S MY
LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE OF
ALL TIME, TIED WITH
"CATS"
AND "THE ZAPRUDER FILM."
DESANTIS IS CONSTANTLY
COMPLAINING THE MEDIA'S TAKING
HIM OUT OF CONTEXT.
ALTHOUGH IT'S
WORTH NOTING THAT IN THAT AD,
HE'S REMOVING SOME PRETTY
IMPORTANT CONTEXT FROM THE
MEDIA.
TAKE THAT CLIP WHERE HE SAID,
"ARE YOU GONNA GIVE A SPEECH OR
ASK A QUESTION?", IF YOU LOOK AT
THE START OF THAT EXCHANGE,
YOU'LL NOTICE ONLY ONE PERSON IS
DOING THE FIGHTING THERE.
GOVERNOR, WHAT HAS GONE WRONG
WITH-GOVERNOR, WHAT HAS GONE
WRONG WITH THE ROLLOUT OF THE
VACCINE THAT WE'VE SEEN PHONE
LINES JAMMED, WEBSITES CRASHING,
IT'S A LOT OF DEMAND.
I MEAN, I THINK AT THE END OF
IF I COULD-
EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME, YOU JUST
SAID WHAT HAS GONE WRONG.
SO I'M ANSWERING THE QUESTION.
IF I COULD COMPLETE THE
QUESTION THOUGH.
SO ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE A
SPEECH OR YOU'RE GOING TO
ANSWER-ASK A QUESTION?
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,
GOVERNOR, I'M TRYING TO-
YOU
ASKED A QUESTION.
I'M GOING TO ANSWER IT.
I'M TRYING TO FINISH MY
QUESTION.
NO, YOU ARE GIVING A SPEECH,
YOU ASKED A QUESTION.
I AM TRYING TO ASK YOU-
YOU ARE GOING TO ASK HOW MANY
QUESTIONS?
YOU GET THREE?
THEY ONLY GOT ONE QUESTION.
WHY DO YOU GET THREE?
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,
GOVERNOR, I'M JUST ASKING IF I
COULD FINISH MY QUESTION.
YOU DIDN'T.
YOU FINISHED THE QUESTION.
John: NO SHE DIDN'T!
AND ALL SHE'S DOING IS ASKING
FOR SOME BASIC ACCOUNTABILITY.
WHEN YOU SEE THAT IN CONTEXT,
THAT'S A PRETTY GROSS CASE OF
SOMEONE MEATBALLSPLAINING TO A
JOURNALIST WHO'S JUST TRYING TO
DO HER FUCKING JOB.
THOUGH, TO BE CLEAR, DESANTIS
DOESN'T HATE ALL MEDIA.
BECAUSE THERE IS ONE NOTABLE
EXCEPTION, AND IT'S THE EXACT
ONE YOU'RE THINKING OF.
DESANTIS IS ON FOX NEWS ALL THE
TIME-- MORNING, NOON AND NIGHT.
EVEN BY REPUBLICAN STANDARDS,
THE MUTUAL AFFECTION BETWEEN HIM
AND FOX IS PRETTY EXTREME.
IN JUST ONE FOUR-MONTH STRETCH,
THE NETWORK ASKED HIM TO APPEAR
ON ITS AIRWAVES 113 TIMES, OR
NEARLY ONCE A DAY, WITH ONE FOX
PRODUCER EVEN OFFERING TO LET
HIM PICK THE SUBJECT MATTER IF
HE AGREED TO COME ON.
WHICH IS PATHETIC.
I'LL PUT IT THIS WAY.
IF FOX NEWS EVER WENT ON A DATE
WITH RON DESANTIS, THEY
DEFINITELY WOULDN'T CORRECT HIM
WHEN HE CALLED IT "FIRE" FOOD.
HE ISN'T JUST ANOTHER FOX
TALKING HEAD.
HE
SELLS HIMSELF AS SOMEONE WITH A
PROVEN TRACK RECORD.
AND HE HAS DONE SOME TERRIBLE
STUFF-- FOR INSTANCE, AT HIS
URGING, HIS STATE'S MEDICAL
BOARD BAND GENDER AFFIRMING CARE
FOR MINORS AND HE SIGNED A 15
WEEK ABORTION BAN INTO LAW WHILE
RECENTLY SUGGESTING HE'D SIGN A
SIX-WEEK ONE IF IT REACHED HIS
DESK.
BUT LOOK: LOTS OF REPUBLICAN
GOVERNORS HAVE DONE THAT.
WHAT MAKES DESANTIS EXTRA
POPULAR ON THE RIGHT IS HIS
WILLINGNESS TO WAGE BIG,
SYMBOLIC CULTURE WARS.
HE'S BRAGGED THAT HE'S MADE
FLORIDA "THE FREEST STATE" IN
AMERICA
WHILE DEFENDING ITS RESIDENTS
FROM THE GREATEST SCOURGE OF OUR
TIME.
WOKEISM IS REALLY A FORM OF
CULTURAL MARXISM.
IS THE NEW RELIGION OF THE
LEFT.
WE ARE NOT, AND WILL NEVER, EVER
SURRENDER TO THE WOKE MOB.
FLORIDA IS WHERE WOKE GOES TO
DIE.
John: OKAY, FIRST: FLORIDA IS
NOT WHERE WOKE GOES TO DIE.
IT'S
WHERE WEALTHY UPPER EAST SIDE
NEW YORKERS GO TO DIE.
GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT.
BUT SECOND: DESANTIS SAYS "WOKE"
SO OFTEN IT BEGINS TO LOSE ALL
MEANING, BUT IF YOU'RE WONDERING
WHAT HE THINKS IT ACTUALLY
STANDS FOR, HIS GENERAL COUNSEL
ONCE HELPFULLY DEFINED "WOKE" IN
COURT AS, "THE VIEW THAT THERE
ARE SYSTEMIC INJUSTICES IN
AMERICAN SOCIETY AND THE NEED TO
HAVE POLICIES THAT ADDRESS
THEM."
WHICH IS A HELL OF A THING FOR
SOMEONE TO ADMIT TO EVERYONE
THAT YOU'RE AGAINST.
DESANTIS MIGHT REALLY WANT TO
INVEST IN A LAWYER MORE WILLING
TO LIE FOR HIM.
I ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND
THERE'S ONE WANDERING AROUND
CENTRAL PARK RIGHT NOW WHO'S
AVAILABLE, IF YOU CAN CATCH HIM.
BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO BE CAREFUL.
HE'S SLIPPY!
DESANTIS EXPENDS A LOT OF ENERGY
DECRYING WOKENESS AND EMPTY
"VIRTUE SIGNALING"-- ALTHOUGH
HE ALSO SEEMS TO SPEND A HUGE
AMOUNT OF TIME DOING THE
RIGHT-WING VERSION OF EXACTLY
THAT.
FOR INSTANCE, THERE WAS THE TIME
THAT HE WADED IN ON
LIA THOMAS, A TRANS WOMAN WHO'D
WON AN EVENT IN AN NCAA SWIMMING
CHAMPIONSHIP.
THE SECOND PLACE FINISHER HAPPEN
TO BE FROM FLORIDA
WHICH DESANTIS THEN TOOK AS AN
EXCUSE TO COME OUT AND DO THIS
SHIT:
IF YOU LOOK AT WHAT THE NCAA
HAS DONE BY ALLOWING BASICALLY
MEN TO COMPETE IN WOMEN'S
ATHLETICS, IN THIS CASE THE
SWIMMING, YOU HAD THE NUMBER ONE
WOMAN WHO FINISHED WAS FROM
SARASOTA.
WE'RE GOING TO BE DOING A
PROCLAMATION SAYING THAT EMMA IS
THE BEST FEMALE SWIMMER IN THE
500 METER FREESTYLE BECAUSE SHE
EARNED THAT.
John: OKAY, ASIDE FROM BEING
FUCKING GROSS AND AWFUL, TO BE
VERY CLEAR: DESANTIS DOESN'T
HAVE THE POWER TO DECLARE OR
DISQUALIFY WINNERS IN COLLEGE
SPORTS, RENDERING THAT
PROCLAMATION COMPLETELY
POINTLESS.
BUT SINCE MEN IN SUITS SEEM TO
BE USING THEIR PLATFORMS TO
INVALIDATE PAST ATHLETIC
ACHIEVEMENTS OUT OF PURE SPITE,
I HEREBY DECLARE THAT BY SIGNING
THIS, RON DESANTIS' LITTLE
LEAGUE
TEAM-- THE SWINGIN' MEATBALLS
- DID NOT, IN FACT, EVER MAKE
THE LITTLE LEAGUE WORLD SERIES.
INSTEAD, HIS TEAM'S PLACE WILL
FROM HENCEFORTH BE TAKEN BY THE
SEASON SIX CAST
RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE.
I DECLARE IT!
IT IS DECLARED.
IT IS DONE.
BUT IT'S GONE WAY
BEYOND JUST EMPTY, HATEFUL
PROCLAMATIONS.
DESANTIS HAS ALSO SIGNED A BUNCH
OF ATTENTION-GRABBING BILLS THAT
SEEM DESIGNED TO DELIGHT
CONSERVATIVES AND ENRAGE
LIBERALS.
AND WHILE THE ANNOUNCEMENTS OF
THESE BILLS TEND TO GET A LOT OF
NATIONAL MEDIA COVERAGE, THE
ACTUAL IMPLEMENTATION OF THEM
CAN GET FAR LESS SCRUTINY.
TAKE DESANTIS' SO-CALLED
"ANTI-RIOT LAW", WHICH HE PASSED
FOLLOWING THE BLACK LIVES MATTER
PROTESTS IN THE SUMMER OF 2020.
THE LAW, AMONG OTHER THINGS,
STRENGTHENS CRIMINAL PENALTIES
FOR THOSE DEEMED RIOTERS AT
DEMONSTRATIONS.
AND HE LOVES TO
BRAG TO CONSERVATIVE AUDIENCES
ABOUT HOW MAD IT'S MADE PEOPLE.
AND I HAVE TO SAY-BRAG A
LITTLE BIT.
OUR ANTI RIOT LEGISLATION WAS
RECENTLY CRITICIZED BY THE
UNITED NATIONS.
SO I WEAR THAT AS A BADGE OF
HONOR.
John: OKAY!
BUT BEING CHASTISED BY THE UN
ISN'T INNATELY POSITIVE.
WHAT OTHER ADMONITIONS WOULD
FILL DESANTIS WITH A MISPLACED
SENSE OF PRIDE?
"I WAS ALSO CRITICIZED BY THE
HOLOCAUST MUSEUM, LEGO CALLED ME
A SCUMBAG, AND MALALA YOUSAFZAI
SAID SHE'D PUNCH ME IN THE
OF THROAT IF SHE EVER GOT A
CHANCE SO I WEAR THAT AS A BADGE
OF HONOR.
BUT IT'S NOT JUST THE UN THAT
HAD A PROBLEM WITH THAT LAW.
A JUDGE ISSUED A PRELIMINARY
INJUNCTION BLOCKING THE KEY PART
OF IT FROM BEING ENFORCED,
ARGUING THAT IT COULD
EFFECTIVELY CRIMINALIZE LEGAL,
PROTECTED SPEECH, AND THAT IT
WAS VACANT TO THE POINT OF
UNCONSTITUTIONALITY.
THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO HIS
"STOP SOCIAL MEDIA CENSORSHIP
ACT", WHICH, AGAIN, GOT A HUGE
AMOUNT OF ATTENTION WHEN HE
FIRST SIGNED IT.
IT THREATENED SOCIAL MEDIA
PLATFORMS WITH FINES FOR BANNING
POLITICAL CANDIDATES, AND HE
PROPOSED IT RIGHT AFTER A NUMBER
OF THEM REMOVED TRUMP AFTER
JANUARY 6TH.
'CAUSE OF.
Y'KNOW.
THAT THING.
BUT THAT LAW IS ALSO
UNDER A PRELIMINARY INJUNCTION,
FROM A JUDGE WHO AT ONE POINT
TOLD THE DESANTIS
ADMINISTRATION'S LAWYERS, "I
WON'T PUT YOU ON THE SPOT AND
ASK YOU IF YOU'VE EVER DEALT
WITH A STATUTE THAT WAS MORE
POORLY DRAFTED, AND LOOK: HE'S
STILL FIGHTING THOSE LAWSUITS,
AND FUTURE DECISIONS COULD WIND
UP GOING HIS WAY-- AFTER ALL,
THESE CASES ARE GOING THROUGH
HIGHER COURTS THAT RANGE FROM
FAIRLY CONSERVATIVE ALL THE WAY
UP TO OVERTURNED ROE V. WADE.
EVEN WHEN HE HAS EXISTING LAWS
ON HIS SIDE, HIS APPLICATION OF
THEM CAN BE SLAPDASH AND GROSS.
LAST YEAR, HE MADE A BIG SHOW OF
ANNOUNCING HIS NEW "ELECTIONS
CRIME AND SECURITY OFFICE" HAD
SPEARHEADED THE ARRESTS OF 20
PEOPLE WHO'D VOTED ILLEGALLY.
BUT THESE WERE LARGELY PEOPLE
WHO THE STATE HAD CLEARED TO
JOIN THE VOTER ROLLS, SO THEY
ASSUMED THEY WERE ELIGIBLE TO
VOTE, DESPITE THE FACT THAT THEY
TECHNICALLY WEREN'T.
NOW: ONE WAY
OF DEALING WITH THAT WOULD'VE
BEEN TO SIMPLY CONTACT THOSE
PEOPLE, EXPLAIN THE MISTAKE, AND
REMOVE THEM FROM THE ROLLS.
BUT INSTEAD, WHAT DESANTIS DID
WAS TO SEND ARMED COPS TO
CONDUCT ARRESTS WITH BODY CAM
VIDEO REVEALING POLICE WITH GUNS
DRAWN PULLING PEOPLE OUT OF
THEIR
HOUSES AND IF YOU LISTEN TO THE
COPS INVOLVED, EVEN THEY SEEM
ANNOYED AND EMBARRASSED AT WHAT
THEY'RE HAVING TO DO.
THEY JUST DUMPED THIS
SHIT ON ME.
I HAD TO PLAN THREE OPERATIONS
IN FOUR HOURS.
I AIN'T FRAUD-COMMIT NO
FRAUD.
WELL, SO THAT'S THE THING.
I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT
HAPPENED WITH IT, BUT YOU-YOU DO
HAVE A WARRANT, AND THAT'S WHAT
IT'S FOR.
WHY ARE Y'ALL DOING THIS NOW,
AND THIS HAPPENED YEARS AGO?
I DON'T KNOW, I HAVE NO IDEA,
MAN.
John: WOW.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW SKETCHY
YOUR AUDIO NEEDS TO BE FOR COPS
TO ENFORCE IT RELUCTANTLY?
ENFORCING LAWS ON SCARED PEOPLE
IS ONE OF THEIR FAVORITE THINGS
TO DO.
IT'S THAT, "MAKE SIREN GO WEE
WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO" AND END OF
LIST.
NOW, SINCE THEN, SEVERAL OF
THOSE CASES, INCLUDING ALL THOSE
WE JUST SHOWED, HAVE BEEN
DROPPED OR DISMISSED.
BUT IT
FEELS LIKE DESANTIS' MAIN AIM
THERE-- AS IN SO MANY CASES--
WAS TO INSTILL FEAR.
TO MAKE PEOPLE AFRAID TO
PROTEST, OR TO MODERATE CONTENT,
OR EVEN TO VOTE.
AND THAT'S THE
THING-- EVEN HIS SLOPPILY
WRITTEN LAWS CAN END UP DOING
REAL HARM.
AND MAYBE THE CLEAREST PLACE TO
SEE ALL OF THIS IN ACTION IS IN
FLORIDA'S SCHOOLS.
BECAUSE HE'S BEEN BUSY THERE.
YOU PROBABLY REMEMBER LAST
YEAR'S PASSAGE OF H-B 1557,
THE FLORIDA PARENTAL RIGHTS IN
EDUCATION ACT, A-K-A "THE DON'T
SAY GAY BILL."
THOUGH DESANTIS SAYS THAT NAME
PUSHES A FALSE NARRATIVE, AND
HAS CLAIMED THAT WHAT THE BILL
SIMPLY SAYS IS NO SEXUAL
INSTRUCTION IN PRE-K THROUGH
THREE.
BUT THE
TRUTH IS, THE BILL IS NOT AS
NARROW AS THAT AT ALL.
AS THIS DESANTIS
SUPPORTER OPENLY ACKNOWLEDGES.
WHAT THIS BILL'S TRYING TO
PREVENT IS INDOCTRINATION OF OUR
CHILDREN.
BUT THE BILL IS A SWEEPING,
GENERAL PIECE OF LEGISLATION
THAT DOESN'T JUST APPLY TO YOUNG
CHILDREN, IT APPLIES THROUGHOUT
THE ENTIRE SCHOOL AGE, WHERE IT
SAYS "AGE-APPROPRIATE TEACHING
OF GENDER IDENTITY AND
SEXUALITY.'"
SO THE BILL IS,
IT-IT DOES, YOU'RE RIGHT, IT
TARGETS KINDERGARTEN TO THIRD
GRADE AND IT SAYS "OR AGE
APPROPRIATE.'
YEAH.
SO WHEN IS IT AGE APPROPRIATE TO
TALK ABOUT HOMOSEXUALITY?
IT-IT VARIES BY THE-BY THE
INDIVIDUAL.
YOU WOULD-YOU WOULD SUE A
TEACHER IF THEY STARTED TALKING
TO YOUR DAUGHTER ABOUT SAME-SEX
MARRIAGE OR LGBT ISSUES AT THE
AGE OF 17?
IF THEY DON'T HAVE MY CONSENT
AND I THINK IT'S- IT'S NOT
APPROPRIATE FOR MY DAUGHTER,
YES.
WOW.
I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE WOULD BE
SURPRISED TO HEAR THAT.
THAT IS THE LAW
John: EXACTLY.
THAT'S ROUGH TO HEAR, BUT HE IS
TECHNICALLY RIGHT THERE.
THANKS TO RON DESANTIS,
RIGHT NOW IT IS THE LAW IN
FLORIDA.
AND QUICK SIDENOTE: IT'S FUNNY
HOW IT'S ALWAYS THE PEOPLE WHO
THINK HOMOSEXUALITY AS A CONCEPT
NEEDS TO BE TAUGHT AT AN
"APPROPRIATE AGE" THAT DON'T
GIVE A SECOND THOUGHT TO WHEN
THEY TEACH THEIR KIDS WHAT
HETEROSEXUALITY IS.
ALTHOUGH I COULD BE WRONG.
MAY BE IN THAT GUY'S FAMILY HIS
KID ASKS EVERY DAY "WHO ARE YOU
PEOPLE LIVING IN MY HOUSE?"
IS DAD, THAT LADY IS MOM AND WE
ARE.
FRIENDS.
DON'T ASK ME ANY MORE QUESTIONS
TILL YOU'RE 18 OR I'LL FUCKING
SUE YOU.
IT'S NOT JUST
SEXUALITY IN DESANTIS'
CROSSHAIRS-- HE'S ALSO PASSED
AN ACT CALLED THE "STOP WOKE
ACT", WHICH LIMITS THE WAYS
CONCEPTS RELATED TO SYSTEMIC
RACISM AND SEX DISCRIMINATION
CAN BE DISCUSSED IN SCHOOLS AND
TO HEAR HIM TELL IT, LAWS LIKE
THAT ARE NEEDED, BECAUSE THE
WOKENESS IN SCHOOLS GOES DEEPER
THAN ANYONE MIGHT THINK.
I WILL HAVE MATH BOOKS SENT
TO MY DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
FOR REVIEW, THESE TEXTBOOKS, AND
THEY WILL DO THINGS LIKE WOKE
MATH.
AND I'M THINKING TO MYSELF, TWO
PLUS TWO EQUALS FOUR.
IT'S NOT, "TWO PLUS TWO.
WELL, LET'S HAVE A STRUGGLE
SESSION OVER THAT.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT IT?" NO,
NO, NO.
THERE'S A RIGHT ANSWER HERE.
John: I MEAN, OUT OF CONTEXT
HE'S RIGHT.
NUMBERS DON'T HAVE FEELINGS.
IF THEY DID, THIS ONE WOULD BE
SAD, THIS ONE WOULD BE GIGGLY,
AND THIS ONE WOULD BE EXCITING
FOR A FEW MINUTES, BUT THEN THE
NOVELTY WEARS OFF AND IT MOSTLY
JUST GETS TIRED AND SORE.
DESANTIS HAS CLAIMED THAT HIS
STATE HAD TO REJECT MATH BOOKS
FOR CONTAINING "INDOCTRINATING
CONCEPTS LIKE RACE ESSENTIALISM,
ESPECIALLY, BIZARRELY, FOR
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL STUDENTS."
NOW, THAT'S A BIG CLAIM.
AND IF IT SOUNDS LIKE BULLSHIT,
THAT'S BECAUSE IT IS.
REPORTERS FOR THESE OUTLETS
COMBED THROUGH THOUSANDS OF
PAGES OF ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
TEXTBOOKS AND THEIR REVIEWS, AND
COULDN'T FIND ANY SUCH EXAMPLES.
WHEN THE DESANTIS ADMINISTRATION
EVENTUALLY PRODUCED JUST FOUR
TINY SNIPPETS OF WHAT THEY
CLAIMED WAS OBJECTIONABLE
MATERIAL, FROM THE TWO THAT CAME
FROM GRADE SCHOOL BOOKS, THERE'S
NOTHING ABOUT RACE.
ALTHOUGH ONE
DOES SUGGEST STUDENTS "PRACTICE
WITH EMPATHIZING WITH
CLASSMATES" WHILE THEY FULFILL A
LESSON OBJECTIVE OF "IDENTIFY
NUMBERS FROM 1 TO 5 IN
SEQUENCE."
THAT'S IT.
SO HIS BIG CLAIM OF "WOKE MATH"
AND "RACE ESSENTIALISM" IN GRADE
SCHOOLS IS BASICALLY "REGULAR
MATH" AND "TRYING TO TEACH KIDS
NOT TO BE DICKS TO EACH OTHER."
[LAUGHTER]
A KIND OF MATH EDUCATION
DESANTIS MIGHT'VE BENEFITED
FROM, AS HIS SOLUTION TO
FIGURING OUT THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN ONE AND THREE QUESTIONS
SEEMS TO BE, "YELL UNTIL THE
OTHER PERSON STOPS TALKING, "AND
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
THE MOST RECENT THING YOU MAY'VE
HEARD ABOUT ARE BOOKS BEING
PULLED FROM SHELVES IN FLORIDA
SCHOOLS, WITH VIRAL IMAGES, LIKE
THESE MAKING THE ROUNDS ONLINE.
IN CLASSIC FASHION, HE HAS
PUSHED BACK ON THOSE IMAGES HARD
TO.
THEY TRIED TO CREATE IN
FLORIDA, NARRATIVE, A BOOK BAND
HOAX-- IT'S A HOAX WHAT THEY
ARE DOING.
AND THEY'RE TRYING TO SAY THAT
BECAUSE WE HAVE PARENTAL RIGHTS
AND BECAUSE WE HAVE CURRICULUM
TRANSPARENCY, IF YOU HAVE A BOOK
THAT HAS HARDCORE PORNOGRAPHY
AND IT'S IN THE LIBRARY THAT
10-YEAR-OLDS CAN ACCESS, A
PARENT OBJECTS TO THAT, THAT
DOES NOT SATISFY FLORIDA
STANDARDS, IT SHOULD NOT BE IN
THE LIBRARY WITH THOSE YOUNG
KIDS.
AND I THINK 99% OF PARENTS AGREE
WITH THAT.
John: OKAY, FIRST, LET'S
DEBUNK THE MOST EGREGIOUS CLAIM
THERE: 99% OF PARENTS DON'T
AGREE ON ANYTHING.
I'M SURE YOU CAN
FIND AT LEAST 10% OF PARENTS WHO
ARE AGAINST COVERING ELECTRICAL
SOCKETS IN REACH OF TODDLERS.
THEY'RE CALLED "ZAP MOMS" AND
THEY'RE ALL ABOUT LETTING KIDS
DISCOVER THEIR OWN LIMITS OF
ELECTRICITY.
BUT I'LL GIVE
DESANTIS THIS-- THERE HAS BEEN
SOME MISINFORMATION FLOATING
AROUND ONLINE.
THIS VIRAL LIST OF BOOKS THAT
WERE SUPPOSEDLY BANNED STATEWIDE
IN FLORIDA, CIRCULATED WIDELY.
BUT IT'S NONSENSE.
HAVING SAID THAT, THOSE IMAGES
OF EMPTY SHELVES ARE VERY REAL
AND ARE DIRECT RESULT OF HIS
ACTIONS.
BECAUSE HE SIGNED LEGISLATION
MANDATING THAT ONLY APPROVED
BOOKS COULD BE INCLUDED IN ANY
SCHOOL OR CLASSROOM LIBRARY, AND
THAT APPROVAL MUST COME FROM A
CERTIFIED MEDIA SPECIALIST.
THAT LED SOME DISTRICTS--
INCLUDING THE ONES THOSE PHOTOS
ARE FROM-- TO TELL TEACHERS TO
REMOVE OR COVER BOOKS.
NOT BECAUSE THEY WERE PUSHING A
FALSE NARRATIVE, BUT BECAUSE
THEY WERE TRYING TO COMPLY WITH
DESANTIS' STUPID LAW.
AND WHILE
DESANTIS MIGHT SAY, "THIS IS AN
OVERREACTION, BECAUSE THOSE
BOOKS WILL RETURN ONCE THEY'RE
APPROVED," NOT ALL OF THEM.
BECAUSE THANKS TO HIS NEW LAW,
AS WELL AS THAT DON'T SAY GAY
BILL AND HIS STOP WOKE ACT,
HE'S
TURBOCHARGED A MOVEMENT AMONG
CONSERVATIVES TO GET BOOKS
REMOVED FROM LIBRARIES THAT THEY
JUST DON'T LIKE.
AND THIS GOES
BEYOND REMOVING "HARDCORE
PORNOGRAPHY" OR THE USUAL KIND
OF GIVE-AND-TAKE BETWEEN PARENTS
AND SCHOOL BOARDS THAT'S BEEN
GOING ON FOR DECADES NOW.
WHAT DESANTIS HAS DONE IS MAKE
IT SO ANYONE IN A COMMUNITY CAN
CHALLENGE THESE BOOKS.
REPORTERS TRACKED DOWN ONE WOMAN
WHO SUBMITTED 21 BOOK CHALLENGES
IN ONE COUNTY, ONLY TO FIND THAT
SHE'S A RETIREE WITH NO
CHILDREN, WHO FULLY ADMITS THAT
SHE HASN'T READ ALL OF THEM, BUT
"I'VE READ THEM IN PARTIAL."
SO BASICALLY, SHE JUST SKIMMED
THEM AND SAID "EH, NOBODY SHOULD
READ THIS."
WHICH IS, COINCIDENTALLY,
EXACTLY HOW I FEEL ABOUT RON
DESANTIS' BOOK, BUT I'M NOT
TRYING TO GET IT TAKEN OUT OF
LIBRARIES.
MEANWHILE, THIS TEACHER IN
ESCAMBIA COUNTY, FLORIDA,
CHALLENGED AROUND 115 BOOKS,
AMONG THEM TITLES LIKE "AND
TANGO
MAKES THREE", A PICTURE BOOK
BASED ON THE TRUE STORY OF TWO
MALE PENGUINS AT THE CENTRAL
PARK ZOO WHO RAISED A BABY CHICK
TOGETHER.
APPARENTLY, ONE OF HER
OBJECTIONS TO IT IS THAT A
SECOND GRADER COULD READ IT,
"AND THE IDEA WOULD POP INTO
THEIR MIND THAT THESE ARE TWO
PEOPLE OF THE SAME SEX THAT LOVE
EACH OTHER."
AND THE PROBLEM IS, SCHOOLS ARE
ACTING ON THOSE SORTS OF
COMPLAINTS.
THERE WAS A RECENT SCHOOL BOARD
MEETING IN THAT COUNTY, TO
ADDRESS THE CALLS TO BAN THREE
OF THE BOOKS ON THAT TEACHER'S
LIST, INCLUDING THE PENGUIN ONE.
MULTIPLE COMMUNITY MEMBERS CAME
TO TESTIFY IN FAVOR OF BANNING
IT AND SOME MADE IT ABUNDANTLY
CLEAR EXACTLY WHAT LAW THEY FELT
EMPOWERED THEM.
I PROBABLY WOULDN'T EVEN TALK
ABOUT THIS BOOK EXCEPT FOR RIGHT
AND WRONG AS A CLEAR LINE AND
IT'S NOT GRAY SO IT IS BLACK AND
WHITE IT'S BLACK AND WHITE WITH
THE LAW WHEN WE TALK ABOUT H1557
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
INDOCTRINATION.
AND WHEN YOU LOOK UP THIS BOOK
ON DESTINY DISCOVER ON THE
SCHOOLS AND COUNTY WEBSITE THE
BOOK SAYS THIS BOOK IS ABOUT TWO
MALE PENGUINS THAT FALL IN LOVE.
JESUS SAID GO AND SIN NO MORE
SO THIS-- -- THIS IS AGAINST
THE LAW, THANK YOU.
John: THINK ABOUT THE WORK
HE HAD TO PUT INTO THAT.
THAT MAN HAD TO
SHOWER, PUT ON A PAIR OF PANTS,
DECIDE WHAT SHIRT TO WEAR,
CHOOSE THE LIGHT BLUE ONE THAT'S
TWO SIZES TOO BIG, DRIVE TO THE
MEETING, PARK HIS CAR, WALK INTO
THE BUILDING, WAIT A WHILE FOR
HIS TURN TO SPEAK, ALL SO HE
COULD EVENTUALLY STAND BEHIND A
PODIUM AND SAY OUT LOUD, AS AN
ADULT, THAT HE'S MAD ABOUT GAY
PENGUINS.
YOU ALMOST HAVE TO ADMIRE HIS
DEDICATION TO BEING SUCH A
FUCKING IDIOT.
BUT THE PROBLEM IS:
THAT FUCKING IDIOT WON.
AT THAT MEETING,
THE BOARD VOTED TO AND TANGO
MAKES THREE" FROM ITS SCHOOLS.
AND WHEN YOU TAKE ALL THIS
BOOKS BEING
REMOVED, THE INANE PROCLAMATIONS
TO SHAME TRANS ATHLETES,
SLOPPY ATTEMPTS TO CRIMINALIZE
PROTESTORS, AND YOU COMBINE IT
WITH EVERYTHING ELSE-- FROM THE
SUPPORT FOR RESTRICTIVE ABORTION
BANS, TO THE EFFORTS TO STOP
GENDER-AFFIRMING CARE, IT REALLY
BEGINS TO FEEL LIKE "THE FREEST
STATE" IN AMERICA IS ONLY FREE
TO THE EXTENT ANYONE WANTS TO
BEHAVE EXACTLY THE WAY THAT RON
DESANTIS THINKS THEY SHOULD.
AND LOOK-- IN THE MONTHS TO
COME, YOU'RE GOING TO HEAR A LOT
OF DESANTIS-VERSUS-TRUMP
COMPARISONS.
AND THE TRUTH IS, HE'LL PROBABLY
COME OUT WELL IN A LOT OF THEM,
MORE OR LESS BY DEFAULT.
BUT THAT CAN'T BE THE BAR HERE.
IT'S IMPORTANT TO CONSIDER
DESANTIS IN HIS OWN RIGHT.
IF DONALD TRUMP NEVER EXISTED--
AND LET'S JUST ALL JUST PAUSE
AND ENJOY THAT HYPOTHETICAL FOR
A SECOND-- IF DONALD TRUMP
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NEVER EXISTED, AND YOU WERE
FORCED TO LEARN ABOUT RON
DESANTIS, FROM SCRATCH, WITH NO
BASIS FOR COMPARISON, WHAT YOU'D
SEE WOULD HORRIFY YOU.
BECAUSE YOU'D BE DISCOVERING A
PETTY AUTOCRAT AND A BULLY.
A MAN WITH NO INTEREST IN
HEARING DISSENT, QUESTIONS, OR
THE CORRECT PRONUNCIATION OF
"THAI FOOD."
AND ALL IN ALL, A MAN WHO IS--
AND I DO NOT USE THIS TERM
LIGHTLY-- A FUCKING MEATBALL.
AND NOW THIS.
AND NOW.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
JERRY O'CONNELL'S WIFE IS A
SCORPIO AND HE NEEDS HELP.
I HAVE TO TELL YOU I DID NOT
BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY EITHER,
WHEN I SOUGHT I DID NOT BELIEVE
IT AND THEN I MARRIED A SCORPIO.
IF YOU MARRY A SCORP, DO WHAT
THEY SAY.
ALL SCORPIOS DO IS VENT.
YOU CAN'T EVER GET HER MAD
BECAUSE MAMA BEAR IS A SCORPIO.
MY WIFE IS A SCORPIO.
I CAN TELL WAS SOMEONE WHO WAS
MARRIED TO ONE, THEY ARE REALLY
GOOD AT FIGHTING.
I'M MARRIED TO A SCORPIO.
WE ARE ONE DRUNK AND LUNCH AWAY
FROM BEING THAT'S AT I'M OUT.
MY WIFE WAS BREASTFEEDING I
DROP A COUPLE OF BAGS ON THE
FLOOR AND MY WIFE IS A SCORPIO,
YOU CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT--
REBECCA IS A SCORPIO.
JERRY WOULDN'T DO IT.
SOMETIMES MY WIFE IS LIKE
WHAT'S GOING ON?
YOU ARE MARRIED TO A SCORPIO AS
WELL?
WE CAN TALK AFTER THE SHOW.
♪ ♪
[LAUGHTER]
John: MOVING ON.
BEFORE WE GO, I WOULD
LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENT TO DISCUSS
ADVERTISING.
WE'RE ALL CONSTANTLY
BOMBARDED BY ADS, AND IT CAN BE
HARD FOR A BRAND TO CUT THROUGH
THE NOISE UNLESS THEY'RE USING A
FLASHY CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENT OR
MAKING A MASSIVE FUCK-UP.
LIKE WHEN
VOLKSWAGEN ITALY'S INSTAGRAM
ACCOUNT COMBINED THE WORD
"VOLKSWAGEN" AND THE WORD
"ITALIA", TO SPELL SOMETHING
VERY DIFFERENT.
IT'S LIKE WHAT OPTIMUS PRIME
LOOKS FOR WITH SAFE SEARCH
OFF.
BUT RECENTLY, WE DISCOVERED
THAT A PLUMBING COMPANY FROM
AUSTIN, TEXAS HAD MADE A
COMMERCIAL SO BOLD IT DARED YOU
NOT TO PAY ATTENTION.
THERE
WAS A TIME WHERE HOMEOWNERS
DEALT WITH UNRULY ACS, TOILETS,
AND WATER HEATERS."
NO OTHER TEAM COULD HANDLE THE
FIGHT.
BUT THERE REMAINED A BEACON OF
HOPE IN A GROUP OF SUPERHEROES
JUST ONE CALL AWAY.
WE'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE.
DISPATCH, I'M EN ROUTE.
JUST CALL RADIANT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
John: YEAH, EXACTLY.
YEAH, THAT AVENGERS PARODY IS
AN AD FOR A LOCAL PLUMBING
COMPANY.
HONESTLY, I'VE GOT NO NOTES.
WELL, I DO HAVE ONE: WHO THE
FUCK IS THE GUY ON THE LEFT
SUPPOSED TO BE?
I'M NOT AN AVENGERS BUFF BUT I'M
PRETTY SURE THERE'S NO DOG GUY.
BUT PLEASE, TELL ME I'M WRONG,
INTERNET.
I'D LOVE TO GET A THOUSAND
TWEETS ABOUT THIS FROM YOU
NERDS, "WELL ACTUALLY JOHN IF
YOU LOOK CLOSELY IN THE AVENGERS
ISSUE FOUR FIVE SEVEN, THE
EXISTENCE OF A RADIOACTIVE DOG
ISN'T OUT OF THE QUESTION."
TELL ME, PLEASE.
BECAUSE I'M LOOKIN' AT THIS GUY
AND I'M THINKING THERE'S
ABSOLUTELY NO RADIOACTI-- OH
SHIT, THAT'S THE RACCOON ISN'T
IT?
IT'S THE RACCOON.
HE'S THE RACCOON WITH A DIRTY
MOUTH AND A TREE FOR A FRIEND.
IT'S MY MISTAKE I TAKE ALL OF
THAT BACK.
AND LOOK: IF ALL THIS COMPANY
HAD MADE WAS THAT ONE
MOVIE-THEMED AD, THAT WOULD HAVE
BEEN ENOUGH.
BUT IT TURNS OUT, RADIANT
PLUMBING DOES THIS A LOT.
BECAUSE LAST YEAR, THEY ALSO
MANAGED TO TURN A CERTAIN
TRANSHUMANIST EPIC ABOUT THE
DANGERS OF MESSIANIC PROPHECIES
INTO AN AD, TOO.
TAKE A LOOK:
THE PEOPLE ASK US TO BRING
PEACE TO THE CITY OF AUSTIN.
HOUSE RADIANT ACCEPTS!
I KNOW YOU.
THERE'S SOMETHING AWAKENING IN
YOUR MIND.
YOU MUST FACE YOUR FEARS.
COME WITH ME.
YOU NEED TO BE READY.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
John: HOLY
SHIT.
THAT "DUNE" PARODY IS
INCREDIBLE.
THE CASTING ALONE!
LOOK AT THIS GUY.
HE'S MORE OF A TIMOTHEE CHALAMET
TYPE THAN THE REAL TIMOTHEE
CHALAMET.
HE'S GOT THAT SIGNATURE CHALAMET
AIR OF MYSTERY WHERE YOU'RE NOT
SURE IF HE'S ABOUT TO WHITE BOY
RAP AT YOU OR DO WHIP ITS IN
YOUR MOM'S BASEMENT.
AND AS FOR ENDING WITH THIS
GIANT TOILET SANDWORM?!
"AVATAR WAY OF WET" CAN GO FUCK
ITSELF, THE OSCAR FOR BEST
VISUAL EFFECTS GOES TO RADIANT
PLUMBING.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND THE CHERRY ON TOP OF ALL OF
THAT IS THE TITLE THEY CHOSE FOR
IT ON YOUTUBE:
TOILET DUNE.
NO NEED TO THINK TOO HARD ON
IT.
IT'S TOILET AND IT'S DUNE.
IT'S TOILET DUNE.
AND WHEN YOU START DIVING INTO
RADIANT'S YOUTUBE PAGE, YOU'LL
QUICKLY DISCOVER JUST HOW
VERSATILE THEY ARE IN THE MEDIUM
OF TOILET CINEMA.
THEY'VE DONE STAR
WARS, IN WHICH R2-D2 IS PLAYED
BY A TOILET.
THEY'VE DONE A "SCREAM" PARODY
FOR HALLOWEEN, AND THREE YEARS
AGO, THEY EVEN ROLLED OUT A
SERIES OF ADS PARODYING
"NAPOLEON DYNAMITE", A MOVIE
THAT WAS, AT THAT POINT, A MERE
16 YEARS OLD.
AND I'M NOT EVEN
GETTING INTO THEIR MOVIE-THEMED
WINDOW DISPLAYS, WHICH HAVE
INCLUDED: THE TEENAGE MUTANT
NINJA TOILETS, MARY POOPINS,
AND,
IN THE CLEAREST EXAMPLE OF
"WE'LL ADD TOILET TO ANYTHING"
- JURASSIC TOILET.
LOOK: LET ME BE VERY CLEAR AT
THIS POINT-- I HAVE NO IDEA HOW
GOOD AT PLUMBING RADIANT
PLUMBING IS.
GIVEN HOW MUCH TIME THEY SPEND
MAKING THESE ADS, THEY COULD
WELL BE TERRIBLE.
BUT I COULDN'T CARE
LESS.
BECAUSE THEY ARE NOW RESPONSIBLE
FOR SOME OF MY FAVORITE
COMMERCIALS EVER PRODUCED,
INCLUDING THIS FINAL ONE I'D
LIKE TO SHOW YOU, A LOVE LETTER
TO JAMES CAMERON'S LEAST WET
FILM, "THE TERMINATOR"--
WE MUST DESTROY THE MOTHER
TOILET.
WE WILL NOT STAND FOR A TOILET
TAKEOVER!
WE'VE GOT BOWEL MOVEMENT.
TURN ON ALL FREQUENCIES.
ALPHA TEAM, STATUS REPORT.
I CAN SEE THE MOTHER
TOILET NOW.
GO!
NOW!
THE TOILET HAS TAKEN OVER THE
SQUAD COMMANDER.
YOU FORGOT TO WIPE THE SEAT.
FOR ALL YOUR PLUMBING-
AC
AND DRAIN NEEDS-
JUST CALL RADIANT.
COME ON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
PICK UP THE PHONE, NOW!
John: THAT'S JUST VERY GOOD.
FROM MAKING THE CHOICE THAT
THERE WILL BE NOT ONE ARNOLD
SCHWARZENEGGER, BUT EIGHT, TO
GIVING THE EVIL TOILET WHAT I
CAN ONLY DESCRIBE AS
"DISTURBINGLY HUMAN"
TEETH.
HONESTLY, YOU WATCH ENOUGH
OF THESE, AND YOU BEGIN TO
WONDER: IS THERE ANY MOVIE THEY
CAN'T TURN INTO A COMMERCIAL?
I GUESS, SADLY, THERE'S NO WAY
TO FIND OUT.
EXCEPT FOR ONE.
BECAUSE YOU MAY REMEMBER-- A
FEW YEARS AGO, WE OFFERED LOCAL
CAR DEALERS THE CHANCE TO FILM A
COMMERCIAL WE WROTE, WITH THE
ONLY CATCH BEING THEY COULDN'T
LOOK AT THE SCRIPT BEFORE
AGREEING AND ONE DEALERSHIP,
ZUMBROTA FORD OF MINNESOTA, TOOK
US UP ON OUR OFFER.
WELL, I HAVE A SIMILAR
PROPOSITION TONIGHT, BUT WITH A
CRUCIAL DIFFERENCE.
SO PLEASE, COME WITH ME.
RADIANT PLUMBING.
LISTEN TO ME VERY CLOSELY,
BECAUSE I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT
PROPOSAL FOR YOU.
UNLIKE THE LAST
TIME, I HAVEN'T WRITTEN YOU A
SCRIPT.
WHY WOULD I, WHEN YOU'RE ALREADY
SWIMMING IN A VERITABLE TOILET
BOWL OF IDEAS.
INSTEAD, IN THIS
ENVELOPE, I HAVE THE NAME OF A
FILM.
I WON'T SAY WHICH ONE.
BUT I WILL SAY THAT IF YOU AGREE
TO SOME BASIC TERMS AND
CONDITIONS-- A KEY ONE BEING,
THAT YOU AGREE TO MAKE YOUR NEXT
MOVIE COMMERCIAL INSPIRED BY THE
FILM IN THIS ENVELOPE, SIGHT
UNSEEN-- WE WILL DEBUT YOUR AD
ON THIS SHOW TO MILLIONS OF
PEOPLE, AND GIVE A $10,000
DONATION TO THE CENTRAL TEXAS
FOOD BANK.
NOW, THE MOVIE IN HERE COULD BE
IN YOUR WHEELHOUSE, LIKE AN
ACTION FILM, OR COSTUME HEAVY
HORROR.
OR IT COULD BE SOMETHING ELSE.
SO IT IS A RISK.
BUT AS YOU MIGHT SAY, "WITH
GREAT RISK COMES GREAT TOILET."
SO PLEASE-- GET IN TOUCH, AND
LET'S MAKE MOVIE MAGIC TOGETHER!
YOU HAVE ONE WEEK TO REPLY!
THAT'S OUR SHOW, THANKS SO MUCH
FOR WATCHING, WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT
WEEK, GOOD NIGHT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
CALL US!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪