♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING
US.
AND LET'S DIVE STRAIGHT IN THIS
WEEK WITH WHAT WE'VE BEEN
CALLING STUPID WATERGATE 2:
THE SCANDAL THAT'S LIKE GETTING
A RUBBER CHICKEN STUCK IN YOUR
ASS: IT'S OBVIOUSLY KIND OF
FUNNY, BUT ALSO ACTUALLY SERIOUS
AND SOMETHING REALLY NEEDS TO BE
DONE ABOUT IT.
THIS WEEK THE HOUSE CONTINUED
CALLING WITNESSES AHEAD OF
PUBLIC IMPEACHMENT HEARINGS THAT
WILL START NEXT WEDNESDAY.
BUT THE PRESIDENT HAS ALREADY
FIGURED OUT WHO IS REALLY TO
BLAME FOR EVERYTHING AND CHOSE
HIS DAILY HELICOPTER‐YELL TIME
TO SHARE IT WITH EVERYONE:
>> IT'S CALLED THE SWAMP.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?
AND YOU KNOW WHAT I DID?
A BIG FAVOR.
I CAUGHT THE SWAMP.
I CAUGHT THEM ALL.
LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
NOBODY ELSE COULD HAVE DONE THAT
BUT ME.
>> John: THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE
DONALD TRUMP AT HIS
DONALD TRUMP‐IEST.
FIRST SCREAMING SOMETHING
NONSENSICAL ‐‐
"I CAUGHT THE SWAMP."
THEN DOUBLING DOWN ON IT ‐‐
"I CAUGHT THEM ALL."
AND FINALLY BRAGGING ABOUT HOW
GREAT HE WAS AT DOING SOMETHING
THAT DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING IN THE
FIRST PLACE.
NOTHING THERE MADE SENSE, AND
YET YOU JUST KNOW IN TWO DAYS
HIS WEBSITE WILL BE SOLD OUT OF
"I CAUGHT THE SWAMP" HATS
'CAUSE THAT'S THE FUCKING WORLD
WE LIVE IN RIGHT NOW.
BUT THAT WASN'T EVEN THE MOST
DESPERATE DEFENSE OF THE
PRESIDENT EMPLOYED THIS WEEK.
THAT HONOR MUST GO TO
LINDSEY GRAHAM ‐‐ A MAN WHOSE
VERY FACE LOOKS LIKE A NANA
WHO JUST FOUND OUT WHAT
"THRUPLES" ARE.
GRAHAM ARGUED THAT HE KNOWS THE
PRESIDENT DIDN'T DEMAND A
QUID PRO QUO WITH SOME
SPECTACULAR LOGIC.
>> WHAT I CAN TELL YOU ABOUT THE
TRUMP POLICY TOWARD UKRAINE?
IT WAS INCOHERENT.
IT DEPENDS ON WHO YOU TALK TO.
THEY SEEM TO BE INCAPABLE OF
FORMING A QUID PRO QUO.
>> John: SO WAIT, TO BE CLEAR
HERE, GRAHAM'S DEFENSE HAS GONE
FROM "THERE WAS NO QUID PRO QUO"
TO "TRUMP IS TOO DUMB TO DO
ONE."
AND THAT ARGUMENT ALONE IS
TERRIFYING.
GRAHAM'S ESSENTIALLY SAYING,
"THE PRESIDENT'S AN IDIOT.
HE'S LIKE A BABY, STUMBLING
AROUND AIMLESSLY IN A DIAPER
FULL OF HIS OWN BOOM‐BOOM.
AND THAT IS WHY HE MUST STAY IN
OFFICE AND RETAIN ACCESS TO THE
NUCLEAR CODES."
BUT WHILE STUPID WATERGATE 2
CONTINUES TO UNFOLD, THIS WEEK
BROUGHT NEWS FROM THE PREVIOUS
VERSION, STUPID WATERGATE 1:
RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE
STUPID.
NOW, YOU MAY REMEMBER, THE PLOT
HERE WAS PRETTY SOLID.
ESSENTIALLY, IT WAS ABOUT THE
TRUMP CAMPAIGN'S CONTACTS WITH
RUSSIA: WHO TALKED TO WHOM AND
WHAT DID THE PRESIDENT KNOW?
A LOT OF THAT CAME OUT IN THE
MUELLER REPORT, BUT CERTAIN
DETAILS, LIKE THOSE INVOLVING
WIKILEAKS, WERE REDACTED BECAUSE
THEY PERTAINED TO ONGOING CASES.
WELL, THIS WEEK, THAT TRIAL IS
‐‐ ONE OF THOSE CASES REACHED A
COURTROOM.
AT THE CENTER OF IT IS
ROGER STONE, A STEAMPUNK
ANDY WARHOL WHO IS IN A LOT OF
TROUBLE.
>> ROGER STONE'S TRIAL FOR
ALLEGEDLY LYING TO CONGRESS GOT
UNDERWAY IN A WASHINGTON, D. C.
COURTROOM TODAY.
FEDERAL PROSECUTORS ARGUED THAT
STONE LIED TO CONGRESS ABOUT HIS
EFFORTS TO CONNECT WITH
WIKILEAKS IN 2016 BECAUSE THE
TRUTH LOOKED BAD FOR
DONALD TRUMP.
>> John: RIGHT.
ROGER STONE IS ACCUSED OF LYING
TO HAVE THE PRESIDENT'S BACK.
NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH HAVING A
LYING PRESIDENT ON
HIS BACK, BECAUSE STONE HAS THIS
ACTUAL TATTOO, WHICH IS SIMPLY
THE WEIRDEST TATTOO I HAVE EVER
SEEN.
NOT JUST BECAUSE IT'S OF
RICHARD NIXON, BUT BECAUSE IT'S
BOTH TOO BIG AND NOT BIG ENOUGH,
AND THE PLACEMENT IS TERRIBLE.
IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY CENTER
JUSTIFIED A NIXON JPEG AT THE
TOP OF A BLANK WORD DOCUMENT.
STONE STANDS ACCUSED OF
MISLEADING CONGRESS ABOUT HIS
EFFORTS TO GET INFORMATION FROM
WIKILEAKS.
HE CLAIMS THAT HE NEVER SPOKE
DIRECTLY WITH JULIAN ASSANGE AND
TESTIFIED IN 2017 THAT HE'D
INSTEAD RELIED UPON AN
INTERMEDIARY, SPECIFICALLY, THIS
MAN, RANDY CREDICO, A RADIO HOST
AND COMEDIAN.
CREDICO HAS DENIED BEING THAT
INTERMEDIARY, AND STONE HAS NOT
REACTED WELL TO THAT, BECAUSE
PROSECUTORS READ SOME OF
STONE'S MESSAGES TO CREDICO IN
COURT, AND THEY ARE ROUGH.
>> STONE WRITES TO CREDICO,
"YOU ARE A RAT, A STOOLIE.
YOU BACKSTAB YOUR FRIENDS.
I AM SO READY.
LET'S GET IT ON.
PREPARE TO DIE."
>> John: HOLY SHIT.
ALTHOUGH, I WILL SAY, IT'S
ACTUALLY UNSURPRISING TO
HEAR MAFIA‐STYLE THREATS COMING
FROM ROGER STONE, A MAN WHO
LOOKS LIKE HIS ENTIRE WARDROBE
CONSISTS OF MOB BOSS HALLOWEEN
COSTUMES FROM THE DISCOUNT RACK
AT PARTY CITY.
AND YET STONE HAS ARGUED THAT
"PREPARE TO DIE" HAS BEEN TAKEN
OUT OF CONTEXT.
LAST YEAR, HE CLAIMED THE ONLY
REASON HE SAID THAT WAS BECAUSE
CREDICO "TOLD HIM HE HAD
TERMINAL PROSTATE CANCER."
EXCEPT THERE'S TWO PROBLEMS WITH
THAT: ONE, CREDICO SAYS HE
DOESN'T HAVE TERMINAL PROSTATE
CANCER.
AND EVEN IF HE DID, THAT'S A
WEIRD THING TO SAY TO SOMEONE
WHO DOES.
THERE IS A REASON WHY HOSPITAL
GIFT SHOPS DON'T SELL
"PREPARE TO DIE" BALLOONS.
IT'S JUST NOT SOMETHING HUMANS
TEND TO SAY TO EACH OTHER.
SO STONE IS IN SOME SERIOUS
LEGAL TROUBLE HERE, AND LEGAL
TROUBLE COSTS MONEY.
BUT DON'T WORRY, 'CAUSE HE'S GOT
THAT COVERED.
>> YOU CAN HELP ME IN MY EPIC
STRUGGLE FOR VINDICATION AND
SURVIVAL BY ORDERING YOUR VERY
OWN PERSONALLY SIGNED
"ROGER STONE DID NOTHING WRONG"
T‐SHIRT.
PLEASE ORDER YOURS TODAY.
>> John: WELL, THAT'S
JUST RIDICULOUS.
WE KNOW ROGER STONE DID AT LEAST
ONE THING WRONG, AND THAT'S
MAKING THAT FUCKING T‐SHIRT.
ACTUALLY, TWO THINGS WRONG
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THE TATTOO.
IN FACT, THREE THINGS BECAUSE HE
WORE THIS TO THE INAUGURATION.
AND THAT'S BEFORE WE EVEN GET TO
THE ALLEGED CRIMES HERE.
I WOULD ARGUE A MORE ACCURATE
T‐SHIRT WOULD SAY, "ROGER STONE
DID LITERALLY EVERYTHING WRONG."
BUT STONE ISN'T JUST SELLING
T‐SHIRTS ONLINE TO COVER HIS
LEGAL COSTS.
YOU CAN ALSO BUY A HAT, A SPORTY
TANK TOP, A HOODIE, AND A
DOG TAG.
AND FOR THOSE LOOKING TO SUPPORT
STONE BUT UNABLE TO WEAR
ANYTHING TOO POLITICAL AT WORK,
CONSIDER THIS NONPARTISAN
"I LOVE PORN STARS" T‐SHIRT,
WHICH, ACCORDING TO THE PRODUCT
DESCRIPTION, "ADDS STATEMENT TO
CASUALLY ELEGANT APPEARANCE,"
WHICH IS UNDENIABLY TRUE.
OBJECTIVELY, A STATEMENT HAS
BEEN ADDED THERE.
SPECIFICALLY, THE STATEMENT
"I LOVE PORN STARS."
YOU CAN'T SAY IT HASN'T BEEN.
BUT MY FAVORITE PIECE OF
ROGER STONE MERCH IS WITHOUT A
DOUBT THIS ACTUAL PRODUCT:
A ROGER STONE STONE, AN
ILLOGICALLY REAL ITEM THAT
CONSENTING ADULTS CAN PAY $12
FOR ‐‐ REDUCED FROM $15, BY THE
WAY.
THE ROGER STONE STONE IS SIGNED
BY ROGER STONE HIMSELF, AND I
DID NOT THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE
FOR AN ORDINARY ROCK TO SOMEHOW
BE MORE WORTHLESS.
BUT IN A WAY, THIS ACTUALLY
MIGHT BE THE PERFECT EMBLEM OF
THIS WHOLE STUPID TIME WE'RE
LIVING IN, BECAUSE IF ONE OF THE
PRESIDENT'S KEY ALLIES IS A
DISCOUNT DICK TRACY VILLAIN, WE
MIGHT AS WELL FACE IT: WE HAVE
ALL HIT LITERAL ROCK BOTTOM.
AND NOW THIS.
>> Announcer: AND NOW,
CONSERVATIVES' FAVORITE
WINSTON CHURCHILL QUOTE.
>> WINSTON CHURCHILL SAID IT, IF
YOU'RE NOT A LIBERAL BY THE TIME
YOU ARE 20, YOU HAVE NO HEART,
IF YOU'RE NOT A CONSERVATIVE BY
THE TIME YOU'RE 40, YOU HAVE NO
HEAD.
>> WINSTON CHURCHILL.
IF YOU'RE 20, YOU DON'T HAVE A
HEART, IF YOU'RE NOT A
CONSERVATIVE, YOU DON'T HAVE A
BRAIN.
>> IF YOU NOT A CONSERVATIVE BY
THE TIME YOU'RE 40, YOU DON'T
HAVE A BRAIN.
>> IF YOU'RE NOT A LIBERAL WHEN
YOU'RE YOUNG, AND NOT A
CONSERVATIVE ‐‐
>> IF YOU'RE NOT A SOCIALIST IN
YOUR 20S, YOU HAVE NO HEART.
>> IF YOU'RE NOT A SOCIALIST IN
YOUR 20S, YOU HAVE NO HEART.
>> WHEN YOU'RE IN YOUR 20S, IF
YOU'RE NOT A SOCIALIST, YOU HAVE
NO HEART.
>> IF YOU DON'T HAVE A HEART
WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG ‐‐
WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG, YOU NEED TO
HAVE A HEART, AND YOU BECOME
CONSERVATIVE WHEN YOU'RE OLD.
AND YOU ARE A SOCIALIST WHEN
YOU'RE YOUNG.
>> IF YOU'RE STILL A SOCIALIST
AFTER YOU'RE 25, WHO SAID THAT?
WHO SAID THAT?
WINSTON CHURCHILL SAID THAT.
>> HE ONCE SAID, ANY MAN WHO IS
NOT A SOCIALIST WHEN HE IS 20
HAS NO HEART, AND ANYONE WHO IS
STILL A SOCIALIST WHEN HE IS 40
HAS NO BRAIN.
>> I THINK THAT WAS
WINSTON CHURCHILL, BUT I MAY ‐‐
>> THAT WASN'T, BUT IT IS OFTEN
MISATTRIBUTED TO CHURCHILL.
>> OKAY.
WE'LL TAKE IT.
>> John: MOVING ON.
OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS
LAWSUITS, THE REASON THE
SENTENCE
SENTENCE "GRETA THUNBERG
ALLEGEDLY KILLED
JEFFREY EPSTEIN" HAS THE WORD
"ALLEGEDLY" IN IT.
AND WE'LL GET TO THE MAIN
SUBSTANCE OF OUR STORY IN A
LITTLE BIT, BUT BEFORE WE DO, I
NEED TO GIVE YOU A QUICK UPDATE
ON SOMETHING.
YOU MAY REMEMBER THAT IN 2017,
WE AIRED A PIECE ON THE COAL
INDUSTRY THAT TOUCHED ON THIS
MAN, BOB MURRAY, THE THEN‐CEO OF
MURRAY ENERGY, THE LARGEST
PRIVATELY‐HELD COAL COMPANY IN
AMERICA.
WE DISCUSSED HIS CLOSENESS TO
PRESIDENT TRUMP, HIS COMPANY'S
LAWSUIT TO BLOCK A RULE INTENDED
TO LIMIT MINERS' EXPOSURE TO
COAL DUST, AND HIS INSISTENCE
THAT A DEADLY 2007 MINE COLLAPSE
WAS THE RESULT OF A
NATURALLY‐OCCURRING EARTHQUAKE,
SOMETHING DECIDEDLY AT ODDS WITH
A GOVERNMENT INVESTIGATION,
WHICH FOUND THAT IT WAS CAUSED
BY UNAUTHORIZED MINING
PRACTICES.
NOW, BEFORE THE SHOW WENT OUT,
MURRAY'S ATTORNEYS HAD SENT US
TWO SEPARATE LETTERS WARNING US
THAT IF WE AIRED THE STORY, HE'D
SUE, AND THREATENING THAT
"HOME BOX OFFICE IS IN FOR THE
FIGHT OF ITS EXISTENCE."
WHICH, LOOK, MIGHT BE TRUE, BUT
NOT BECAUSE OF HIS LAWSUIT: IT'S
BECAUSE "GAME OF THRONES"
PREQUELS INCLUDING
"GAME OF THRONES:
THE COLLEGE YEARS,"
"GAME OF THRONES:
WINTERFELL VALLEY HIGH"
AND "THRONE BABIES:
BATTLE FOR THE RATTLE" WON'T BE
OUT FOR AT LEAST A YEAR.
HBO IS GONNA BE FINE.
IT'S GONNA BE FINE.
WELL, WE WENT AHEAD WITH THE
STORY ANYWAY, AND THIS HAPPENED:
>> COMEDIAN JOHN OLIVER IS THE
TARGET OF A LAWSUIT BY ONE OF
THE COUNTRY'S LARGEST
PRIVATELY OWNED COAL COMPANIES.
OLIVER STRONGLY CRITICIZED
MURRAY ENERGY CORPORATION AND
CEO ROBERT MURRAY SUNDAY ON HIS
HBO SHOW "LAST NIGHT WEEK" ‐‐
"LAST WEEK TONIGHT."
>> John: IT'S TRUE.
BOB MURRAY SUED US AFTER THAT
EPISODE OF "LAST NIGHT WEEK
LAST WEEK TONIGHT" AIRED.
ALTHOUGH ‐‐ AND THIS IS TRUE ‐‐
THAT'S NOT THE TITLE OF OUR
SHOW.
AND FRANKLY, I EXPECT BETTER
FROM AN ESTEEMED PROGRAM LIKE
"CBS MORNING NIGHT
THIS MORNING."
HEY, YOU FUCK UP OUR NAME, WE
FUCK UP YOURS.
NOW, THAT WAS OVER TWO YEARS
AGO, AND EVER SINCE, BECAUSE THE
CASE HAS BEEN IN LITIGATION, WE
HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO DISCUSS IT.
BUT RECENTLY, MURRAY ACTUALLY
DROPPED THE LAWSUIT, SO I HAVE
SOME GOOD NEWS: I CAN FINALLY
TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.
WHICH IS HONESTLY WORTH DOING,
NOT ONLY BECAUSE IT'S A CRAZY
STORY, BUT BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY
POINTS TO A MUCH BIGGER PROBLEM
HERE.
BUT FIRST, A LITTLE BACKGROUND
ON THE LAWSUIT ITSELF.
IN IT, MURRAY LISTED WHAT HE
FOUND OBJECTIONABLE IN OUR
PIECE, INCLUDING THAT WE
DESCRIBED HIM AS SOMEONE WHO
"LOOKS LIKE A GERIATRIC
DR. EVIL" ‐‐ WHICH WE DID, AND
HE DOES ‐‐ AND THAT WE ARRANGED
"FOR A STAFF MEMBER TO DRESS UP
IN A SQUIRREL COSTUME AND
DELIVER THE MESSAGE, 'EAT SHIT,
BOB.'"
AND I ACTUALLY DON'T EVEN
REMEMBER THAT HAPPENING.
CAN WE QUICKLY, JUST FOR A
MOMENT, CHECK THE TAPE?
>> IT'S MADE OUT TO "EAT SHIT,
BOB!"
>> John: FAIR ENOUGH, MY
MISTAKE.
WE DID IT.
IT'S FUNNY THE THINGS YOU
FORGET.
THAT "EAT SHIT" CHECK WAS
ACTUALLY A REFERENCE TO A REAL
THING THAT ONE OF MURRAY'S
MINERS WROTE ON A BONUS CHECK
HE'D RECEIVED.
THE BACKGROUND TO THAT STORY WAS
THAT MURRAY HAD IMPLEMENTED A
BONUS PROGRAM TO HIS MINERS
BASED ON THE AMOUNT OF COAL THEY
EXTRACTED.
HIS WORKERS' UNION OBJECTED TO
THAT BELIEVING IT WOULD HAVE AN
ADVERSE IMPACT ON SAFETY IN THE
MINES.
AND WHEN MURRAY DID IT ANYWAY,
THE MINER RETURNED HIS BONUS
CHECK ‐‐ OF, BY THE WAY,
$3.22 ‐‐ WITH THE WORDS
"EAT SHIT, BOB" WRITTEN ON IT.
AND THE COMPANY TRIED TO FIRE
HIM FOR THAT, WHICH SEEMS
PRETTY EXCESSIVE.
MAYBE THAT MESSAGE WAS JUST AN
INVITATION TO EAT AT "SHIT BOB,"
THE AIRPORT EXPRESS VERSION OF
BOB EVANS.
NEED A SLICK BISCUIT AND SOME
SOGGY SAUSAGE SLOP BEFORE YOUR
FLIGHT?
THEN YOU HAVE GOTTA...
>> ♪ COME ON DOWN AND EAT SHIT,
BOB ♪
>> WE'VE ALL HEARD THE JINGLE.
MURRAY'S LAWSUIT AGAINST US
ASKED FOR DAMAGES, BECAUSE HE
CLAIMED THAT "NOTHING HAS EVER
STRESSED HIM MORE" THAN OUR,
QUOTE, "VICIOUS AND UNTRUTHFUL
ATTACK."
WHICH IS AN ODD THING TO SAY
GIVEN THAT, AS I JUST MENTIONED,
HE OVERSAW A COMPANY WHOSE MINE
COLLAPSE IN UTAH RESULTED IN
THE DEATHS OF NINE PEOPLE.
IT WENT ON TO SAY THAT WE
ATTACKED MURRAY IN A FORUM IN
WHICH HE HAD NO OPPORTUNITY TO
DEFEND HIMSELF, WHICH IS JUST
NOT HOW ANYTHING WORKS.
AND BESIDES, AFTER LAUNCHING HIS
LAWSUIT, MURRAY DID DEFEND
HIMSELF, AND VERY PUBLICLY.
>> WE'LL PURSUE IT TO THE
FULLEST.
THIS IS A TRAGEDY, AND AMERICAN
BUSINESSMEN HAD BETTER TAKE NOTE
AS TO WHAT THEY ARE TRYING TO DO
WITH ME, A GUY WHO'S DONE
NOTHING IN HIS LIFE BUT FOLLOW
THE LAW, CREATE JOBS, AND DO
EVERYTHING I COULD, AS BEST I
COULD, FOR OUR COUNTRY.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> THESE PEOPLE ARE EVIL.
THEY ARE VERY EVIL.
>> John: HEY, HEY, HEY, BOB, I
THINK "EVIL" IS A BIT MUCH.
LOOK, YOU CAN SAY A LOT OF
THINGS ABOUT ME.
FOR INSTANCE, THAT I LOOK LIKE A
TOUCAN WHO CAN'T SLEEP WITHOUT A
NIGHT LIGHT.
OR THAT MY VOICE SOUNDS LIKE
JUDE LAW IF HE HAD A KAZOO STUCK
IN HIS THROAT.
BUT "EVIL" SEEMS LIKE A BIT OF
AN EXAGGERATION.
NOW, OBVIOUSLY, THE LAWSUIT WAS
A BULLSHIT EFFORT TO SILENCE
US ‐‐ PERHAPS BEST EXEMPLIFIED
BY A MOTION MURRAY FILED TO TRY
AND GET A GAG ORDER TO PREVENT
US FROM REBROADCASTING THE STORY
OR EVEN HAVING IT UP ONLINE.
AND FOR THE RECORD, THE PIECE IS
STILL ON THE INTERNET, BIG TIME.
YOU CAN ACTUALLY FIND IT AT
StillOnTheInternetBigTime.Com.
USEFUL SHORTCUT.
SO IT WAS NO SURPRISE WHEN THE
CASE WAS DISMISSED BY THE
WEST VIRGINIA JUDGE WHO HEARD IT
LAST FEBRUARY.
AT THAT POINT, WE FIGURED THIS
WHOLE SAGA WAS OVER, RIGHT?
WELL, WRONG.
BECAUSE MURRAY THEN FILED AN
APPEAL TO THE WEST VIRGINIA
SUPREME COURT.
AND HERE'S A FUN SIDE NOTE: ONE
OF THE JUDGES SET TO HEAR OUR
CASE WAS JUSTICE ALLEN LOUGHRY.
AND THAT NAME, WEIRDLY, RANG
SOMETHING OF A BELL FOR US.
THEN WE REMEMBERED THAT IN 2015,
WE ACTUALLY DID A SEGMENT ON
ELECTED JUDGES THAT COMMENTED ON
ONE OF HIS CAMPAIGN ADS.
HERE IS A CLIP FROM THAT SHOW:
>> HI, I'M ALLEN LOUGHRY, AND
I'M RUNNING FOR OUR SUPREME
COURT.
IT'S LOUGHRY AS IN "LAW" AND
"FREE."
THIS IS MY HOUSE.
COME ON IN.
THERE'S THE KITCHEN.
[BELL DINGS]
SOMETHING SMELLS GOOD.
MY FAMILY ROOM, MY
WIFE, KELLY LOUGHRY, AND OUR
SON, JUSTICE LOUGHRY.
THAT'S RIGHT.
JUSTICE LOUGHRY.
>> YES, SIR.
>> John: "YEP, I CALL MY SON
'JUSTICE,' I CALL MY DOG
'PREAMBLE,' AND I CALL MY PENIS
'THE GAVEL.'
VOTE FOR ME!
BOOM.
>> John: OOPSIE!
I MEAN, AS FAR AS THINGS TO SAY
ABOUT A JUDGE BEFORE HE MAKES A
RULING ON YOUR CASE, CLAIMING
THAT HE CALLS HIS PENIS
"THE GAVEL" IS MAYBE NOT THE
BEST CHOICE.
EVEN THOUGH ‐‐ LOOK AT HIM.
HE CLEARLY DOES.
SO WE WERE NATURALLY PRETTY
CONCERNED, BUT THEN, IN A
BIZARRE TWIST, ALL FOUR JUSTICES
OF THE STATE SUPREME COURT ‐‐
INCLUDING JUSTICE LOUGHRY ‐‐
WERE IMPEACHED IN A SCANDAL OVER
INAPPROPRIATE SPENDING.
SO OUR CASE WOUND UP JUST
SITTING THERE FOR OVER A YEAR
UNTIL A FEW MONTHS AGO, WHEN,
OUT OF NOWHERE, MURRAY'S TEAM
OFFERED TO DROP THEIR LAWSUIT.
IN POSSIBLY RELATED NEWS,
MURRAY ENERGY RECENTLY ANNOUNCED
IT WOULD BE REORGANIZING UNDER
BANKRUPTCY, THOUGH YOU SHOULD
KNOW, BOB MURRAY WILL REMAIN THE
COMPANY'S CHAIRMAN.
BUT WE DID WONDER, WHAT WAS THE
POINT OF HIM PUTTING US THROUGH
ALL OF THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE?
WELL, I WOULD ARGUE IT'S BECAUSE
WINNING THE CASE WAS NEVER
REALLY HIS GOAL.
AND THAT BRINGS US TO THE LARGER
ISSUE THAT WE'RE GOING TO TALK
ABOUT TONIGHT: SLAPP SUITS.
SLAPP IS AN ACRONYM THAT STANDS
FOR "STRATEGIC LAWSUIT AGAINST
PUBLIC PARTICIPATION."
THESE ARE FRIVOLOUS SUITS WITH
NO LEGAL MERIT SPECIFICALLY
DESIGNED TO STIFLE PUBLIC DEBATE
OR DISSENT.
AND THESE HAPPEN ALL THE TIME,
AND MURRAY IS NOT ALONE IN
SEEMINGLY USING LAWSUITS TO
PUNISH AND INTIMIDATE CRITICS.
IN FACT, ONE OF HIS GOOD FRIENDS
HAS OPENLY CALLED FOR CHANGES
THAT WOULD MAKE IT EASIER TO
FILE THEM.
>> I'M GONNA OPEN UP OUR
LIBEL LAWS SO WHEN THEY WRITE
PURPOSELY NEGATIVE AND HORRIBLE
AND FALSE ARTICLES WE CAN SUE
THEM AND WIN LOTS OF MONEY.
SO WE'RE GONNA OPEN UP THOSE
LIBEL LAWS, FOLKS, AND WE'RE
GONNA HAVE PEOPLE SUE YOU LIKE
YOU NEVER GOT SUED BEFORE.
>> John: IT'S TRUE.
TRUMP HAS BEEN AS ENTHUSIASTIC
ABOUT OPENING UP LIBEL LAWS AS
HE'S BEEN UNENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT
OPENING UP A BIRTHDAY PRESENT
FROM TIFFANY.
"LOOK, I KNOW IT'S A TIE, YOU
KNOW IT'S A TIE.
THE ONLY THING THAT ISN'T A TIE
IS HOW MUCH I LOVE MY
DAUGHTERS."
NOW, TRUMP IS FAMOUSLY LITIGIOUS
AND HAS LAUNCHED A NUMBER OF
WHAT I WOULD ARGUE ARE SLAPP
SUITS.
FOR INSTANCE, WHEN JOURNALIST
TIM O'BRIEN REPORTED IN A BOOK
THAT SOURCES CLOSE TO TRUMP
CLAIMED HIS NET WORTH WAS MUCH
LOWER THAN HE CLAIMED AND ONLY
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN
$150 TO $250 MILLION, TRUMP
DID NOT TAKE THAT WELL.
>> WHEN THE BOOK CAME OUT, HE
DIDN'T FEEL VERY GOOD ABOUT IT
AND HE ULTIMATELY SUED ME FOR
DEFAMATION.
I THINK IT'S THE BIGGEST LIBEL
LAWSUIT IN U. S. HISTORY.
HE SUED ME FOR $5 BILLION.
>> John: IT'S TRUE.
TRUMP SUED THAT MAN FOR
$5 BILLION.
AND THINK ABOUT THAT: THAT MEANS
IF TRUMP HAD WON THAT LAWSUIT,
HE WOULD HAVE BEEN WORTH
$5.2 BILLION!
THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY!
HE'D BE A BILLIONAIRE!
BUT LOOK, TRUMP LOST, OF COURSE,
AND AFTERWARD, HE OPENLY
ADMITTED THAT HE KNEW HE
COULDN'T WIN, SAYING, "I DID IT
TO MAKE HIS LIFE MISERABLE,
WHICH I'M HAPPY ABOUT."
WHICH MAKES SENSE, DOESN'T IT?
BECAUSE IN TRUMP'S HEART, HE'S
JUST A VINDICTIVE, BAD MAN.
HE'S THE KIND OF GUY WHO THINKS
THE MOVIE "SOPHIE'S CHOICE" IS
ABOUT A WOMAN WHO GOT TO GIVE UP
ONE OF HER CHILDREN.
BUT TRUMP'S STATEMENT GETS AT A
KEY CHARACTERISTIC OF SLAPP
SUITS ‐‐ THE WHOLE POINT IS TO
PUT THE DEFENDANT THROUGH A
DIFFICULT, PAINFUL EXPERIENCE.
AND EVEN IF CASES FAIL IN LOWER
COURTS, AS THEY OFTEN DO, THE
PLAINTIFFS CAN FIND WAYS TO
EXTEND THEM THROUGH INTENSIVE
DISCOVERY REQUESTS, DEPOSITIONS,
AND APPEALS THAT WILL DRAIN
THE TARGETS' TIME AND RESOURCES.
AND ALARMINGLY, JOURNALISTS
AREN'T THE ONLY ONES TARGETED
WITH SLAPP SUITS.
IN SOME CASES, THEY CAN BE USED
TO SILENCE CITIZEN ACTIVISTS.
TAKE THE RESIDENTS OF UNIONTOWN,
ALABAMA.
AFTER A WASTE DISPOSAL COMPANY
AGREED TO STORE TOXIC COAL ASH
IN A LANDFILL NEAR THEIR HOMES,
SOME MEMBERS OF A LOCAL GROUP
POSTED ABOUT THEIR CONCERNS ON
THEIR FACEBOOK PAGE.
BUT IN 2016, THE COMPANY BEHIND
THE LANDFILL SUED FOUR MEMBERS
OF THE GROUP FOR $30 MILLION,
WHICH IS A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT TO
SUE ANYONE FOR, LET ALONE PEOPLE
LIVING IN A COMMUNITY WHERE THE
MEDIAN HOUSEHOLD INCOME IS JUST
$14,000.
ALTHOUGH, TO BE FAIR, THE
ATTORNEY REPRESENTING THE
LANDFILL CLAIMED THAT THAT
$30 MILLION FIGURE WASN'T
ACTUALLY AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS.
>> THE $30 MILLION I THINK HAS
BEEN ‐‐ IT'S ACTUALLY WAS
$15 MILLION.
THERE WERE TWO COUNTS BUT THEY
EACH CONTAINED $15 MILLION.
>> John: OH, THAT'S OKAY THEN.
YEAH, IT'S NOT $30 MILLION!
IT'S TWO COUNTS OF $15 MILLION.
OR YOU COULD SAY IT'S FIVE
COUNTS OF $6 MILLION.
OR 30 COUNTS OF $1 MILLION.
OR 3 BILLION COUNTS EACH
CONTAINING ONE CENT.
THE POINT IS, MATH IS FUN!
NOW, THANKFULLY, AFTER THE ACLU
STEPPED IN TO HELP THE RESIDENTS
DEFEND THEMSELVES, THE COMPANY
VOLUNTARILY WITHDREW THE
LAWSUIT, BUT THE EXPERIENCE
CLEARLY LEFT ITS MARK ON THE
COMMUNITY.
>> IT HAS SCARED A LOT OF PEOPLE
IN THIS AREA FOR SPEAKING UP
BECAUSE THOSE INDIVIDUALS ARE
AFRAID TO GET THAT BACKLASH, NOT
KNOWING THAT THAT'S JUST A
SCARE TACTIC TO GET YOU TO LEAVE
THINGS ALONE SO THEY CAN
CONTINUE THEIR POWER AND CONTROL
TO DO WHAT THEY WANT TO DO.
>> John: YEAH, SHE'S EXACTLY
RIGHT.
BUT THE PROBLEM WITH SCARE
TACTICS IS THAT THEY WORK,
BECAUSE THINGS THAT COULD HURT
YOU ARE SCARY.
THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO AREN'T
SCARED OF ANYTHING LOOK LIKE
THIS.
AND LOOK AT THAT SMILING IDIOT,
ABLE TO FEEL JOY BECAUSE HE
BELIEVES, MORE THAN ANYTHING IN
THE WORLD, THAT HIS SOUL HAS
BEEN LIBERATED FROM
75‐MILLION‐YEAR‐OLD ALIEN
SPIRITS THAT A PSYCHIATRIST
HELPED PARALYZE UNDER THE
PRETENSE OF INCOME TAX
INSPECTIONS.
SEEMS NICE, TOMMY BOY.
SEEMS REAL NICE.
THE THING IS, PRETTY MUCH
EVERYONE, FROM JUDGES TO LEGAL
SCHOLARS, AGREES THAT
SLAPP SUITS ARE A SCOURGE.
THAT IS WHY 30 STATES HAVE SOME
FORM OF ANTI‐SLAPP LAWS, WHICH
VARY SIGNIFICANTLY, BUT BROADLY
CAN ENABLE DEFENDANTS TO FORCE
PLAINTIFFS TO JUSTIFY THEIR
CLAIM EARLY ON.
AND IF THEY CAN'T DO THAT, THE
CASE IS NOT ONLY DISMISSED, BUT
IN SOME STATES, THE DEFENDANT IS
AWARDED ATTORNEY'S FEES.
WHEN THEY'RE WELL‐CRAFTED, THESE
LAWS CAN STRIKE AN IMPORTANT
BALANCE BETWEEN PROTECTING
LEGITIMATE CLAIMS AND DETERRING
TIME‐WASTING BULLSHIT.
THE PROBLEM IS, 20 STATES DON'T
HAVE THOSE LAWS.
AND WITH NO FEDERAL ANTI‐SLAPP
LEGISLATION, PLAINTIFFS CAN
SIMPLY FILE A SUIT IN ONE OF
THOSE STATES, ONE OF WHICH IS
WEST VIRGINIA.
AND THAT IS ACTUALLY WHERE
BOB MURRAY SUED US, DESPITE THE
FACT THAT NEITHER HE NOR I LIVE
THERE.
AND WE'RE FAR FROM THE ONLY
CRITICS HE'S SUED OVER THE
YEARS.
>> IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME
MURRAY HAS SUED A JOURNALIST FOR
COVERAGE HE SAW UNFAVORABLY.
ACCORDING TO "THE WASHINGTON
POST," HE'S FILED AT LEAST NINE
LAWSUITS AGAINST JOURNALISTS AND
THEIR NEWS ORGANIZATIONS BETWEEN
2001 AND 2015 FOR REPORTS THEY
SAW AS CRITICAL.
>> AND SINCE MURRAY LIKES TO
SUE, WE'RE NOT GOING TO SAY
ANOTHER WORD ABOUT HIM AS A
JOURNALIST HERE.
>> John: NOW, I GET THAT HE IS
CLEARLY JOKING THERE, BUT THAT'S
ALSO THE EXACT CULTURE OF FEAR
THAT MURRAY MAY BE TRYING TO
CREATE HERE.
LAWSUITS LIKE HIS MAKE PEOPLE
THINK TWICE BEFORE REPORTING ON
HIS BUSINESS OR POINTING THINGS
OUT, LIKE THE FACT THAT
BOB MURRAY'S GENERAL FACIAL
EXPRESSION ANSWERS THE QUESTION,
"WHAT WOULD IT LOOK LIKE IF AN
EGG WAS MENTALLY UNDRESSING
YOU?"
AND I WOULD ARGUE ‐‐
EYES UP HERE, EGG.
AND I WOULD ARGUE SOME OF
MURRAY'S SUITS HAVE CLEARLY BEEN
ATTEMPTS TO BULLY PEOPLE INTO
SILENCE, SOMETIMES OVER
INCREDIBLY TRIVIAL SLIGHTS.
HE'S SUED AN EDITORIAL
CARTOONIST OVER THIS
UNFLATTERING CARTOON OF HIM,
WHICH IS JUST PATHETIC.
WHO SUES A CARTOONIST?
YOU THINK I'M GOING TO GO TO
COURT OVER THIS THING I FOUND
ONLINE, WHICH APPEARS TO BE ME
PRESENTING A TIERED CAKE MADE
WITH SYRINGES, CONDOMS, AND
BROKEN GLASS?
I CAN ONLY ASSUME THAT'S A
METAPHOR FOR THIS SHOW, IN WHICH
CASE, NAILED IT.
NO NOTES.
MURRAY HAS ALSO SUED THIS
COUPLE, JAMES AND LISA CIOCIA.
IN 2012 THEY HELD A TINY PROTEST
OUTSIDE MURRAY ENERGY'S OHIO
HEADQUARTERS, WITH ONLY ABOUT
20 PEOPLE MARCHING AROUND.
IT LOOKED LIKE THIS.
AND THAT HAS TO BE THE LEAST
INTIMIDATING PROTEST I'VE EVER
SEEN.
ONE SIGN CALLS HIM "MR. MURRAY"
AND ANOTHER IS IN SERIF FONT!
IT'S LESS A PROTEST AND MORE AN
INTER‐OFFICE MEMO.
BUT MURRAY NEVERTHELESS SUED NOT
ONLY THE CIOCIAS BUT ALSO A
LOCAL NEWSPAPER, THE
"CHAGRIN VALLEY TIMES," FOR
THEIR COVERAGE OF IT.
NOW, BOTH THE CIOCIAS AND THE
NEWSPAPER BEAT MURRAY'S CLAIMS
FOR DEFAMATION, BUT HE TIED THEM
BOTH UP IN APPEALS FOR YEARS,
AND THE NEWSPAPER'S DEFENSE COST
HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF
DOLLARS.
IN FACT, THE APPELLATE COURT
JUDGE EVEN EXPLICITLY WROTE IN
HIS DECISION THAT MURRAY'S SUIT
SHOWS WHY OHIO SHOULD ADOPT AN
ANTI‐SLAPP STATUTE, POINTING OUT
THAT THE PAPER HAD COMPLETELY
REMOVED ALL THEIR COVERAGE OF
MURRAY FROM THEIR SITE, WHICH
THE JUDGE SAID WAS "AN EXAMPLE
OF THE CHILLING EFFECTS A SUIT
LIKE THIS HAS."
AND THAT IS THE POINT HERE.
LAWSUITS ARE LIKE FAMOUS
INSTAGRAM PUGS.
THEY DON'T HAVE TO WORK TO BE
CONSIDERED VERY, VERY
SUCCESSFUL.
AND BY CULTIVATING A REPUTATION
FOR BEING AGGRESSIVELY
LITIGIOUS, MURRAY MAY'VE
ACTUALLY GOT WHAT HE WANTED AND
SUCCESSFULLY APPLIED A CHOKEHOLD
ON HOW HE IS COVERED.
AND WHILE IT'S HARD TO SHOW AN
UN‐REPORTED STORY, IN
RESEARCHING THIS PIECE, WE DID
ACTUALLY STUMBLE ON TWO ONGOING
LAWSUITS INVOLVING MURRAY THAT
HAVE GOT ALMOST NO PRESS, WHICH
IS HONESTLY STRANGE, BECAUSE
ONCE YOU HEAR THE DETAILS, I
THINK YOU'LL AGREE THAT THEY
PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE.
IN ONE, MURRAY DISCLOSES THAT
TWO WOMEN WHO HAD WORKED FOR HIM
HAD ALLEGED "HARASSMENT AND THE
PERPETRATION OF A HOSTILE WORK
ENVIRONMENT BY MR. MURRAY," AND
WHILE HE DENIES THOSE CLAIMS, HE
ALSO ADMITS PAYING THOSE WOMEN
CONSIDERABLE SUMS OF MONEY IN
CONFIDENTIAL SETTLEMENTS.
IN A SEPARATE ONGOING LAWSUIT, A
DIFFERENT FORMER EMPLOYEE
ALLEGES THAT THERE WERE NUMEROUS
ATTEMPTS BY MURRAY TO KISS HER
ON THE LIPS, PULLING HER INTO
HIM TO "COP A FEEL," AND CALLING
HER INTO HIS OFFICE ON ONE
OCCASION TO GIVE HIM "HOT WATER
WITH LEMON" WHILE HE WAS WEARING
NOTHING BUT HIS UNDERWEAR.
AND WHAT POSSIBLE THOUGHT
PROCESS COULD'VE LED TO THAT?
"WELL, LET'S SEE, I'M HORNY,
I'VE GOT A LITTLE BIT OF A
SORE THROAT, AND I'D LIKE TO
REALLY LIKE TO SOLVE BOTH
PROBLEMS IN A WAY THAT MAKES A
FEMALE EMPLOYEE FEEL SUBHUMAN.
WAIT A MINUTE!
BOB, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN,
YOU CLEVER LITTLE COAL GOBLIN."
WAIT, WAIT, IT GETS WORSE.
THE SAME COMPLAINT ALSO CLAIMS
THAT MURRAY HAD THE PLAINTIFF,
ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION, GET
ON HER HANDS AND KNEES TO LOCATE
OR PICK UP ITEMS FOR HIM,
INCLUDING ONE TIME WHEN SHE WAS
REQUIRED TO FIND A SMALL HARD
OBJECT HE HAD DROPPED, AND HE
ONLY TOLD HER AFTER SHE FOUND IT
THAT IT WAS A KIDNEY STONE HE
HAD FISHED OUT OF THE TOILET
AFTER PASSING IT.
AND YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW
THAT IS ABSOLUTELY NAUSEATING,
BUT REMEMBER, YOU CHOSE THIS.
YOU ALL CHOSE TO BE HERE.
EVERYONE IN THIS AUDIENCE COULD
HAVE GONE TO SEE STOMP INSTEAD.
TICKETS ARE NOW AVAILABLE FROM
$50.
THAT'S A GREAT DEAL FOR A
CLASSIC NEW YORK SHOW.
AND SURE, IT'S NOT GOING TO BLOW
YOUR MIND: IT'S STOMP.
BUT IT'S BEEN AROUND FOR NEARLY
30 YEARS FOR GOOD REASON, AND
THAT REASON IS, AT NO POINT DO
THEY FORCE THEIR AUDIENCE
IMAGINE THIS MAN FISHING OUT HIS
OWN KIDNEY STONE FROM A TOILET.
IT'S A GOOD SHOW.
NOW, I HAVE TO TELL YOU, MURRAY
DENIES ALL OF THOSE ALLEGATIONS,
WHICH HE SAYS ARE CONCOCTED, AND
CLAIMS THE WOMAN IS USING THE
LITIGATION AS A VEHICLE TO
HARASS AND PUBLICLY EMBARRASS
HIM IN AN ATTEMPT TO STRONG‐ARM
HIM INTO A SETTLEMENT.
ALTHOUGH I WILL ALSO TELL YOU
THAT ONE OF HER COLLEAGUES
BACKED HER UP IN A SEPARATE
DEPOSITION, SAYING SHE TOLD HER
THE KIDNEY STONE STORY AT THE
TIME AND HAD DESCRIBED MURRAY AS
SCREAMING AT HER TO "FIND IT,
FIND IT."
AND WHAT WAS POSSIBLY THE RUSH
THERE?
WAS MURRAY HONESTLY WORRIED
THAT SOMEONE ELSE WAS GOING TO
FIND HIS PEA PEBBLE FIRST?
"I GOT IT!
I GOT BOB'S COCK ROCK!
I'M GONNA BE A MILLIONAIRE!"
IT'S GENUINELY HARD TO FIND
THE RIGHT RESPONSE TO ALL OF
THAT ONCE YOU'VE HEARD IT.
ALTHOUGH I THINK A SEVEN‐FOOT
SQUIRREL QUOTING A JUSTIFIABLY
ANGRY MINER MAY'VE ACTUALLY SAID
IT BEST:
>> EAT SHIT, BOB!
>> John: EXACTLY.
BEAUTIFULLY PUT.
THE POINT IS, IT'S A LITTLE
WEIRD THAT THESE LAWSUITS DIDN'T
GET WIDER COVERAGE.
THESE ARE SERIOUS ALLEGATIONS OF
WORKPLACE MISCONDUCT INVOLVING
THE CHAIRMAN OF THE COUNTRY'S
LARGEST PRIVATE COAL COMPANY, A
HIGHLY PUBLIC FIGURE WHO
CONSTANTLY BRAGS ABOUT HIS
CLOSENESS TO THE PRESIDENT AND
HIS ROLE IN SHAPING ENERGY AND
ENVIRONMENTAL POLICY.
AND I WOULD ARGUE ONE REASON
MIGHT BE ORGANIZATIONS ARE
JUSTIFIABLY WARY OF GETTING SUED
BY MURRAY, BECAUSE EVEN IF
THEY'RE BASELESS, HIS LAWSUITS
CAN DO MAJOR DAMAGE.
OURS WOUND UP COSTING OVER
$200,000 IN LEGAL FEES, AND EVEN
THOUGH OUR INSURANCE COVERED
PART OF IT AND WE WERE LUCKY
THAT HBO STOOD BY US, THIS
LAWSUIT WAS INFURIATING, TOOK UP
A LOT OF TIME AND RESOURCES, AND
RESULTED IN A TRIPLING OF OUR
LIBEL INSURANCE PREMIUMS,
DESPITE THE FACT THAT ‐‐ TO
REITERATE ‐‐ WE FUCKING WON THIS
CASE!
LOOK, HERE'S THE THING, WE BADLY
NEED EFFECTIVE ANTI‐SLAPP LAWS
NATIONWIDE TO DETER POWERFUL
PEOPLE LIKE BOB MURRAY FROM
USING THE COURTS TO SHUT DOWN
PEOPLE'S LEGITIMATE DISSENT.
AND I KNOW THAT, AFTER TONIGHT,
MURRAY WILL PROBABLY SUE US
AGAIN, EVEN THOUGH EVERYTHING
I'VE SAID HAS BEEN RIGOROUSLY
VETTED BY OUR LAWYERS, WHO, MAY
I ADD, ARE GETTING VERY TIRED
WITH US, BECAUSE WHEN WE REACHED
OUT TO MURRAY LAST WEEK TO
REVIEW THE DETAILS WE PLANNED TO
INCLUDE IN THIS PIECE, HE WROTE
A LETTER BACK, NOT ADDRESSED
DIRECTLY TO US BUT TO OUR BOSSES
AT AT&T AND HBO, SAYING WE WERE
"FALSELY VILIFYING" HIM,
LAUNCHING "SCURRILOUS ATTACKS,"
AND ARGUING THAT NONE OF HIS
LAWSUITS ARE SLAPP SUITS, WHICH
THEY ABSOLUTELY ARE.
SO I GUESS HERE WE GO AGAIN.
IT IS YET ANOTHER BOB MURRAY
ATTEMPT TO BULLY PEOPLE INTO
SILENCE.
AND HE'S BEEN DOING THIS FOR
DECADES.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'LL STAND BEHIND OUR FIRST
PIECE, AND I'LL STAND BEHIND
THIS ONE.
AND AS FOR THE JOKES THAT WE
MADE ABOUT HIM, WE'RE MORE THAN
COVERED THERE.
THE JUDGE IN OUR CASE POINTED
OUT THE SUPREME COURT HAS
CONSISTENTLY PROTECTED LOOSE,
FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE THAT CANNOT
REASONABLY BE UNDERSTOOD TO
CONVEY FACTS ABOUT SOMEONE.
BASICALLY, JOKES ARE FINE.
AND I'VE GOT TO SAY, IT WOULD BE
REALLY TEMPTING TO SAY A BUNCH
OF LOOSE, FIGURATIVE THINGS
ABOUT BOB MURRAY RIGHT NOW ‐‐
AND NOT JUST ON OUR BEHALF
BUT ON BEHALF OF EVERY SMALL
NEWSPAPER AND INDIVIDUAL HE'S
SUED AND ON BEHALF OF EVERY
EMPLOYEE WHO'S FELT ILL‐TREATED
BY HIS COMPANY AND WHO MAY'VE
WANTED TO TELL HIM TO, SAY,
EAT SHIT, BUT COULDN'T.
AND HERE IS WHERE I ACTUALLY
HAVE SOME BAD NEWS AND SOME GOOD
NEWS FOR YOU.
THE BAD NEWS IS, THE LAST TWO
YEARS HAVE HONESTLY JUST BEEN
TOO EXHAUSTING, SO I'M AFRAID
I'M NOT GOING TO SAY ANYTHING
MORE ABOUT BOB MURRAY TONIGHT.
[AUDIENCE REACTS]
THE GOOD NEWS IS, WHY WOULD I
WHEN I CAN SIMPLY SING IT
INSTEAD?
MAESTRO, PLEASE.
♪ ♪
♪ WE WENT TO COURT AGAINST THE
WORLD'S WORST SPORT ♪
♪ AND LEARNED IMPORTANT LESSONS
ON THE WAY ♪
♪ WE SPOKE WITH PERFECT CANDOR ♪
♪ AND GOT ACCUSED OF SLANDER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE BOB MURRAY WANTS TO
MAKE US PAY ♪
♪ SO EVEN THOUGH HE'LL THREATEN
LEGAL ARMAGEDDON ♪
♪ WE HAVE JUST ONE TINY THING TO
SAY ♪
♪ BOB MURRAY CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF
TODAY ♪
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO HELP ME
BETTER RESPOND TO BOB MURRAY'S
COMPLETE BULLSHIT, PLEASE
WELCOME TO THE SHOW
THE "SUCK MY BALLS, BOB"
DANCERS.
>> ♪ MURRAY, MURRAY, MURRAY,
MURRAY ♪
HEY, BOB, WATCH THIS!
>> ♪ HE WENT TO THE LOUVRE AND
SPIT IN MONA LISA'S FACE ♪
>> ♪ FILLED A ROCKET WITH
PUPPIES ♪
♪ AND HE SHOT IT INTO SPACE ♪
>> ♪ HE BLUDGEONED
NANCY KERRIGAN ♪
♪ AND WATCHED HER CRY FOR FUN ♪
>> WHY!
>> ♪ HE MURDERED
ARCHDUKE FERDINAND ♪
♪ AND STARTED WORLD WAR I ♪
♪ ♪
>> THAT'S RIGHT!
IF WE DISCUSS BOB MURRAY IN A
WAY NO REASONABLE PERSON COULD
CONSTRUE AS FACTUAL, WE CAN SAY
WHATEVER THE FUCK WE LIKE!
SO COME ON EVERYONE, LET'S HEAD
TO THE STREETS!
>> ♪ AH ♪
♪ MURRAY, WOW ♪
>> ♪ HE'LL STROLL INTO A
STRANGER'S HOME ♪
♪ AND JIZZ RIGHT IN THEIR
WHEATIES ♪
>> ♪ HE WATCHES
"STEEL MAGNOLIAS" ♪
♪ AND ROOTS FOR DIABETES ♪
>> ♪ HE WROTE THE MACARENA ♪
>> ♪ AND EVEN WORSE, HE LIKES TO
BLAME MALALA FOR HIS FARTS ♪
>> HEY, WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA?
>> WE'RE USING PROTECTED SPEECH
TO TELL BOB MURRAY TO EAT SHIT.
>> BOB MURRAY?
IS THAT THE GUY WHO DIPPED HIS
BALLS IN MY HOT DOG WATER?
>> THAT'S EXACTLY WHO I'M
TALKING ABOUT.
>> CAN I BRING MY CART?
>> IT'S NOT IDEAL.
>> IT'LL BE FINE IF I LEAVE IT
HERE, RIGHT?
>> I DON'T KNOW!
>> ♪ MURRAY, MURRAY ♪
♪ ♪
♪ HE MASTURBATES TO
"SCHINDLER'S LIST" ♪
♪ OLD YELLER MAKES HIM HARD ♪
>> ♪ HE WAS COSBY'S DRUG
SUPPLIER ♪
♪ JEFFREY EPSTEIN'S
PRISON GUARD ♪
>> STOP, EVERYBODY, PLEASE,
STOP, STOP, STOP.
STOP.
JOHN, AS HBO'S LEGAL COUNSEL,
PLEASE, STOP.
I HAVE SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT
TO SAY.
♪ ♪
♪ ONE DAY AT THE M&M STORE ♪
♪ BOB MURRAY WALKED THROUGH THE
DOOR ♪
♪ HE WASN'T WEARING PANTS THAT
DAY ♪
♪ HIS DICK AND BALLS ON FULL
DISPLAY ♪
>> ♪ FULL DISPLAY ♪
>> ♪ HE GRABBED M&Ms
FROM A BOWL ♪
♪ AND CRAMMED THEM UP
HIS ANAL HOLE ♪
♪ HE SPREAD HIS BUTT CHEEKS
FAR AND WIDE ♪
♪ HE TOLD THE TOURISTS TO LOOK
INSIDE ♪
>> LOOK INSIDE?
>> ♪ HE SAID MY RECTUM'S FULL OF
TREATS ♪
♪ REACH IN THERE AND
GRAB SOME SWEETS ♪
>> ♪ GRAB SOME SWEETS ♪
♪ THESE ARE ALL REAL THINGS
BOB MURRAY DID ♪
>> SEE YOU IN COURT, FUCK FACE!
>> LOOK, IT'S MR. NUTTERBUTTER.
WE'RE SINGING ABOUT
MR. BOB MURRAY.
I BELIEVE YOU'VE HEARD OF HIM.
>> YOU MEAN THE ZODIAC KILLER?
>> THAT'S THE ONE.
>> WELL, MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE
A LITTLE SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT
HIM.
♪ ♪
>> ♪ BOB, BOB MURRAY ♪
♪ IS A FURRY ♪
♪ PUTTING ASIDE OUR PERSONAL
QUARRELS ♪
♪ THE MAN FUCKS SQUIRRELS ♪
♪ ♪
>> HEY, I KNOW WHERE WE SHOULD
GO!
♪ ♪
♪ AH ♪
♪ MURRAY, MURRAY ♪
♪ ♪
♪ IT DOESN'T COUNT AS SLANDER
BECAUSE IT'S WAY TOO WEIRD ♪
♪ WE MADE UP THESE ANECDOTES ♪
♪ THEY'RE SILLY AND INSANE ♪
♪ WE COULD GO ON AND ON AND ON ♪
♪ AND ON AND ON AND ON AND ON ♪
♪ WE MADE UP THIS SONG ♪
♪ SO EAT SHIT, BOB! ♪
[FIREWORKS POPPING]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪