♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING
US.
WE ARE BACK, AND JUST TIME FOR A
QUICK RECAP OF THE WEEK, A WEEK
THAT SAW NORTH KOREA RESUMING
MISSILE LAUNCHES, ROBERT MUELLER
SOMEHOW MANAGING TO IRRITATE ALL
OF CONGRESS, AND THE PRESIDENT
THREATENING FRANCE WITH TARIFFS
ON THEIR WINES IN THE DUMBEST
POSSIBLE WAY.
>> I'VE ALWAYS LIKED AMERICAN
WINES BETTER THAN FRENCH WINES.
EVEN THOUGH I DON'T DRINK WINE.
I JUST LIKE THE WAY THEY LOOK.
>> John: I MEAN, LOOK, ON
ONE HAND, YES, THAT'S STUPID.
ON THE OTHER HAND, JUDGING
THINGS PURELY ON THEIR LOOKS IS
EXTREMELY ON BRAND FOR TRUMP.
HE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE SAID,
"I NEED MY WINE TO BE AT LEAST A
DOUBLE-D."
IT WOULD HAVE MADE AT LEAST AS
MUCH SENSE.
BUT INSTEAD OF DWELLING ON
TRUMP, LET'S INSTEAD TURN
TO PUERTO RICO, OBJECTIVELY THE
BEST ISLAND AFTER, OF COURSE,
"TEMPTATION" AND "LOVE" AND
KITCHEN.
YES, SORRY, HAWAII, BUT UNTIL
YOU CAN DISPLAY A KNIFE BLOCK
AND A DECORATIVE FRUIT BOWL
WHILE ALSO HAVING HIDDEN
STORAGE, YOU'RE NOT EVEN ON MY
LIST.
DADDY NEEDS HIS FENG SHUI.
THERE WAS -- THERE WAS BIG NEWS
OUT OF PUERTO RICO THIS WEEK.
>> THE EMBATTLED GOVERNOR OF
PUERTO RICO FINALLY GIVES IN AND
AGREES TO STEP DOWN.
PROTESTS TURNING TO CELEBRATION
IN THE STREETS.
>> AFTER HOURS OF DELAY,
ROSSELLO FINALLY SAID THE WORDS
THESE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN WAITING
12 DAYS TO HEAR: "I WILL BE
RESIGNING."
[CHEERING]
>> John: HOLY SHIT.
IT DOES NOT BODE WELL FOR YOUR
POLITICAL CAREER WHEN PEOPLE ARE
REACTING TO YOUR RESIGNATION
LIKE OPRAH JUST GAVE THEM A CAR.
"YOU GET A NEW GOVERNOR!
YOU GET A NEW GOVERNOR!
EVERYBODY GETS A NEW GOVERNOR!"
LOOK, IT IS HARD TO OVERSTATE
JUST HOW HISTORIC A MOMENT THIS
WAS: PUERTO RICO HAS ENDURED
DECADES OF SYSTEMIC CORRUPTION,
A MASSIVE DEBT CRISIS, CRIPPLING
AUSTERITY MEASURES, AN
INADEQUATE RESPONSE TO
HURRICANE MARIA, AND MOST
RECENTLY, A HIGH-PROFILE PROBE
THAT SAW TWO FORMER TOP
GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS ARRESTED
EARLIER THIS MONTH.
BUT THE LAST STRAW WAS THIS.
>> GOVERNOR RICARDO ROSSELLO HAS
BEEN UNDER FIRE SINCE NEARLY
900 PAGES OF A PRIVATE GROUP
CHAT WERE LEAKED AND PUBLISHED
BY THE CENTER FOR INVESTIGATIVE
JOURNALISM IN PUERTO RICO.
THE REPORTED MESSAGES BETWEEN
ROSSELLO AND SEVERAL CLOSE AIDES
INCLUDE PERSONAL ATTACKS ON
RIVAL POLITICIANS, SEXIST
COMMENTS, AND ANTI-GAY SLURS.
>> John: YEAH, THAT'S NOT GOOD.
NOBODY LEAKS 900 PAGES FROM A
GROUP CHAT UNLESS THERE'S
SOMETHING TERRIBLE IN THERE,
BECAUSE OTHERWISE, ALL GROUP
CHATS ARE THE SAME.
THERE'S THE GIRL WHO WRITES IN
FULL PARAGRAPHS, THE GUY WHO
ONLY SAYS "K," AND INEVITABLY,
THE ONE PERSON APOLOGIZING
BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT THAT THIS
WAS THE GROUP CHAT THAT DANIELLE
WASN'T IN, BUT IT TURNS OUT IT
WAS THE GROUP CHAT THAT DANIELLE
WAS IN AND NOW SHE KNOWS
McKENNA THINKS THAT SHE'S
BASIC.
I MEAN, DANIELLE IS BASIC, BUT
THAT'S NOT REALLY THE POINT, IS
IT?
AND ROSSELLO'S GROUP CHAT WAS
VERY, VERY BAD.
IT FEATURED THE GOVERNOR CALLING
ONE FEMALE ADVERSARY "A WHORE"
AND AN ASSOCIATE OF HIS SAYING
HE WAS SALIVATING TO SHOOT THE
MAYOR OF SAN JUAN, TO WHICH THE
GOVERNOR RESPONDED, "YOU'D BE
DOING ME A GRAND FAVOR."
BUT PERHAPS THE MOST DEVASTATING
TEXT WAS A JOKE ABOUT THE
DEAD BODIES ACCUMULATING DURING
AND AFTER HURRICANE MARIA AT AN
UNDERSTAFFED MORGUE.
SO IT'S FRANKLY UNDERSTANDABLE
THAT PEOPLE WANTED HIM GONE, BUT
I DON'T THINK ANYONE SAID IT
BETTER THAN THIS PROTESTOR:
>> AFTER THE HURRICANE, I --
I WAS HUNGRY.
I DIDN'T HAVE WATER.
LIKE, I DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING.
AND THEN THIS GUY WAS LIVING IT
UP?
NAH, BRAH.
YOU'RE NOT FIT TO BE GOVERNOR.
OUT.
>> John: WOW.
WELL, I MEAN, SHE IS NOT WRONG
THERE.
AND I KNOW THIS ISN'T THE POINT,
BUT SOMEONE NEEDS TO MAKE THAT
WOMAN THE NEXT BACHELORETTE.
BECAUSE I WOULD TUNE IN EVERY
WEEK JUST TO WATCH HER LOOK LUKE
IN THE EYE AND SAY, "YOU WANNA
KNOW WHAT I'M DOIN' IN THE
FANTASY SUITE?
NAH, BRAH, YOU'RE OUT.
YOU'RE OUT.
NAH, BRAH.
NAH."
THE PROTESTS AGAINST ROSSELLO
WERE ENORMOUS, WITH HUNDREDS OF
THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE ON THE
STREETS, SOME ON BICYCLES, SOME
UNDERWATER, AND SOME EVEN ON
HORSEBACK, WHICH DOES SEEM
UNFAIR SINCE WE DON'T
TECHNICALLY KNOW WHO THE HORSES
SUPPORT FOR GOVERNOR.
SURE, YOU ASSUME YOU KNOW WHAT
SIDE HORSES ARE ON, BUT THEN YOU
MEET ONE AT A PARTY WITH A MAGA
HAT AND YOU REALIZE, "WHOA,
MAYBE I DON'T KNOW THEM AS WELL
AS I THOUGHT I DID."
AND THEN THE HORSE STOPS BECAUSE
YOU SAID "WHOA," AND YOU HAVE TO
SAY, "NO, I DIDN'T MEAN THAT
KIND OF WHOA," BUT YOU'RE
OBVIOUSLY STILL JUDGING HIM FOR
THE HAT.
AND YET INCREDIBLY, ROSSELLO
REFUSED TO STEP DOWN FOR OVER A
WEEK, EVEN TRYING TO STAND HIS
GROUND DURING THIS TESTY
INTERVIEW WITH FOX NEWS'
SHEP SMITH:
>> GOVERNOR, WHO'S COME FORWARD
TO SUPPORT YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF
THIS CHAOS?
>> PUERTO RICO DIDN'T --
THERE -- THERE ARE FOLKS THAT
HAVE SUPPORTED ME.
>> WHO SPECIFICALLY?
>> THERE ARE FOLKS THAT SUPPORT
THE ROLE, THE ROLE -- THERE ARE
PEOPLE, YOU JUST HAVE TO SEE
THEM.
>> COULD YOU GIVE ME ONE NAME?
>> THERE -- THERE IS A PROTEST.
IT'S -- IT'S -- I'VE TALKED --
>> JUST ONE NAME, GOVERNOR.
>> TO PEOPLE FROM DIFFERENT
GROUPS.
A LOT OF PEOPLE FROM THE
ADMINISTRATION.
>> GOVERNOR, YOU'RE NOT ABLE TO
GIVE ME THE NAME OF ONE PERSON
IN PUERTO RICO WHO SUPPORTS YOU
CONTINUING AS GOVERNOR; IS THAT
CORRECT?
>> YES.
I CAN.
SO THE MAYOR OF SAN SEBASTIAN,
FOR EXAMPLE, SUPPORTED THIS
EFFORT.
>> WHOSE NAME IS?
>> FROM DIFFERENT
MUNICIPALITIES.
JAVIER JIMENEZ, FOR EXAMPLE.
>> John: THAT WAS EXCRUCIATING.
HE TOOK SO LONG TO COME UP WITH
THE NAME.
YOU MAY EVEN BE THINKING THAT HE
JUST MADE "JAVIER JIMENEZ" UP.
WELL, IN FAIRNESS TO THE
GOVERNOR, I SHOULD SAY,
JAVIER JIMENEZ IS, IN FACT, THE
MAYOR OF SAN SEBASTIAN.
BUT THERE IS ONE PROBLEM, AND I
THINK YOU CAN PROBABLY GUESS IT.
>> WE SPOKE TO JAVIER JIMENEZ
LAST NIGHT VIA FACETIME, AND HE
SAYS HE DOESN'T SUPPORT THE
GOVERNOR AT ALL.
>> I AM NOT SUPPORTING HIM.
OF COURSE NOT.
THAT IS TOTALLY INCORRECT.
>> John: WOW.
SO THE ONE NAME ROSSELLO CAME UP
WITH WAS BULLSHIT, WHICH IS SUCH
A STUPID MISTAKE.
WHY GIVE THEM A NAME THEY CAN
CHECK IN SECONDS?
WHEN 14-YEAR-OLDS LIE ABOUT
HAVING A CANADIAN GIRLFRIEND,
THEY KNOW TO KEEP THE DETAILS
VAGUE AND UNTRACEABLE.
THEY DON'T SAY SHE'S
CELINE DION BECAUSE THEY'LL GET
FOUND OUT IMMEDIATELY.
BUT FINALLY, ON WEDNESDAY,
GOVERNOR ROSSELLO DID ANNOUNCE
THAT HE'D LEAVE OFFICE NEXT
WEEK, BUT IT'S STILL NOT CLEAR
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.
THE NEXT IN LINE WAS HIS
SECRETARY OF STATE, BUT HE WAS
ALSO IN THE GROUP CHAT AND HAS
ALREADY RESIGNED.
THE PERSON IN LINE AFTER THAT IS
HIS SECRETARY OF JUSTICE, WHO
PROTESTORS THINK IS TOO CLOSE TO
ROSSELLO, AND JUST TODAY
ANNOUNCED SHE DOESN'T WANT THE
JOB.
SO PUERTO RICO'S FUTURE IS
UNCLEAR, ALTHOUGH I WILL SAY
THIS: PEOPLE THERE SEEM
INCREDIBLY OPTIMISTIC.
IN FACT, ROSSELLO MAY HAVE BEEN
A TERRIBLE GOVERNOR, BUT HE MAY
HAVE INADVERTENTLY ACCOMPLISHED
SOMETHING HERE.
>> THANK YOU, GOVERNOR, BECAUSE
YOU UNITED ONE ISLAND.
>> THE PEOPLE IN PUERTO RICO ALL
TOGETHER WERE ABLE TO GET HIM
OUT OF THE SEAT THAT HE WAS IN.
>> THE THINGS THAT WE CAN DO
TOGETHER NOW AS A WHOLE,
YOU KNOW, THIS IS AMAZING.
>> John: YEAH, IT IS AMAZING,
BECAUSE IN A WAY, BY BEING SUCH
A SPECTACULAR SHITHEAD, ROSSELLO
ENDED UP UNITING PUERTO RICO IN
HATING HIM, AND THAT'S AN
INCREDIBLE ACHIEVEMENT.
BUT BEFORE HE THINKS FOR EVEN A
SECOND THAT WHAT I JUST SAID
CONSTITUTES PRAISE, I'D LIKE TO
REMIND HIM OF THE WORDS OF ONE
OF HIS ISLAND'S GREATEST
PHILOSOPHERS:
>> NAH, BRAH.
YOU'RE NOT FIT TO BE GOVERNOR.
OUT.
>> John: EXACTLY.
AND NOW THIS.
>> Announcer: AND NOW, THE
NOT-SO-SECRET SADNESS OF
FOX 10 PHOENIX'S CORY McCLOSKEY.
>> WHEN WE WERE KIDS, TROY, THAT
WAS FUN TO CLIMB UP ON A BARN
AND THEN JUMP OFF INTO A WAGON
FULL OF OF MAYBE HAY OR GARBAGE
OR WHATEVER.
WHEN I WAS A KID, WE ALWAYS HAD
TO BUST THESE THINGS IN HALF.
I NEVER GOT A WHOLE POPSICLE.
>> NEVER?
>> NO, NEVER.
THIS IS MY WHOLE YOUTH, BEING
WHACKED IN THE FACE BY A
SNOWBALL.
>> I GREW UP NEAR PHILADELPHIA,
PENNSYLVANIA.
>> REALLY?
A VERY SMALL TOWN CALLED
KENNETT SQUARE.
>> KENNETT SQUARE?
I LIVED OUT THAT WAY.
I HAD TO LIVE ON THE JERSEY
SIDE, THOUGH.
NOT A LOT OF COOKING WHEN ON
IN OUR HOUSE.
WE PREPARED MEALS, BUT I
WOULDN'T SAY THAT MY MOM WAS
REALLY A CHEF.
WE ALL GREW UP WITH CRAYOLA, OF
COURSE, AND, MAN, YOU KNOW WHO I
ALWAYS ENVIED?
THE KIDS WHO HAD THE BOX WITH
THE SHARPENER.
I WAS ALWAYS REDUCED TO GETTING
A PARING KNIFE OUT TO TRY TO
SHAVE SOMETHING INTO A POINT.
I GREW UP WITH THE WORLD'S
SMALLEST BOUNCE HOUSES AT THE
CARNIVALS WHERE I USED TO LIVE.
AND THEY ALWAYS SMELLED LIKE A
COMBINATION OF CORN CHIPS AND
FEET.
THIS IS ALL DIFFERENT.
IT'S OUT IN THE OPEN AIR.
NOTHING CAN HURT YOU HERE.
>> John: MOVING ON.
OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS
THE UNITED KINGDOM, HOME OF
FASCINATING WILDLIFE, LIKE THE
FEARLESS MATING FOXES OF KENT,
AND BEAUTIFUL MOUNTAINS THAT GO
LARGELY UNEXPLORED BY THE
CAREFREE MATING FOXES OF KENT.
IT'S ALSO HOME TO SOME OF THE
WORLD'S MOST GIFTED ARTISTS,
LIKE WHOMEVER TOOK THIS PICTURE
OF THE STOIC MATING FOXES OF
KENT.
UNFORTUNATELY, THE U.K. IS ABOUT
TO BE COMPLETELY FUCKED, IN A
WAY NOT UNLIKE THE RESIGNED
MATING FOXES OF KENT.
AND THE REASON FOR THAT IS THAT
THIS WEEK, THE U.K. HAD SOME
VERY BIG NEWS:
>> THE U.K. HAS A NEW
PRIME MINISTER.
BORIS JOHNSON TOOK OVER TODAY
FROM THERESA MAY, SEALING THE
TRANSITION OF POWER IN A
HANDSHAKE WITH THE QUEEN.
>> HE BOWED, THEN BROKE THE
RULES BY TELLING HIS NEW STAFF
WHAT SHE SAID.
>> John: EXACTLY.
AND IT WAS APPARENTLY, AND I
QUOTE, "DEEZ NUTS."
IT'S TRUE.
SHE'S SAID IT TO EVERY
PRIME MINISTER SINCE
WINSTON CHURCHILL, AND SHE WON'T
SAY WHY.
BUT YES, INCREDIBLY, BRITAIN'S
NEW PRIME MINISTER IS
BORIS JOHNSON, AND EVEN IF YOU
KNOW NOTHING ABOUT BRITISH
POLITICS, YOU'RE PROBABLY
ALREADY VAGUELY AWARE OF HIM.
AS MAYOR OF LONDON, HE FAMOUSLY
GOT STUCK ON A ZIP LINE WHILE
PROMOTING THE 2012 OLYMPICS.
AND IF YOU'VE EVER SEEN A PHOTO
OF HIM, YOU WILL PROBABLY
REMEMBER IT, BECAUSE IT'S HARD
TO FIND ONE WHERE HE DOESN'T
LOOK RIDICULOUS.
IN FACT, EVERYTHING ABOUT HIS
APPEARANCE IS CONSISTENTLY
IMMACULATELY WRONG.
HERE HE IS WEARING A BIKE HELMET
THAT'S SOMEHOW BOTH TOO SMALL
AND TOO BIG FOR HIS HEAD.
THAT'S NOT EASY TO DO.
HERE HE IS LOOKING LIKE WHAT
WOULD HAPPEN IF AN EGG COULD BE
BOTH HAIRY AND SAD.
EVEN HIS CHILDHOOD PICTURES ARE
FUNNY, BECAUSE HERE HE IS
LOOKING MORE LIKE A YOUNG
ANNA WINTOUR THAN I'M GUESSING
SHE DID AT THAT AGE.
YOU MAY EVEN HAVE SEEN THIS CLIP
THAT WENT VIRAL RECENTLY OF
BORIS' ENDEARINGLY WEIRD ANSWER
TO A VERY SIMPLE QUESTION ABOUT
WHAT HE DOES TO RELAX.
>> I HAVE A THING WHERE I MAKE
MODELS OF...
WHEN I WAS IN -- WHEN I WAS
MAYOR OF LONDON WE'D BUILD A
BEAUTIFUL -- I MAKE BUSES.
>> YOU MAKE MODELS OF BUSES?
>> I MAKE MODELS OF BUSES.
>> THEY'RE GOING TO BE AT
DOWNING STREET?
>> SO, WHAT I DO -- NO, WELL, I
DID MEAN MODELS OF BUSES, WHAT I
MAKE IS, I GET OLD -- UM, I
DON'T KNOW, WOODEN CRATES --
>> YEAH.
>> RIGHT?
AND THEN I PAINT THEM.
>> YOU'RE MAKING CARDBOARD
BUSES.
>> I PAINT --
>> OKAY, THAT'S WHAT YOU DO TO
ENJOY YOURSELF --
>> NO, I PAINT -- NO, I PAINT
THE PASSENGERS ENJOYING
THEMSELVES --
>> OKAY, GREAT.
>> ON THE WONDERFUL BUS.
>> John: OKAY, OKAY, SO THREE
THINGS ABOUT THAT: ONE, IT'S
MAGNIFICENT.
TWO, THERE'S JUST NO WAY THAT'S
TRUE.
BUT THREE, IF IT WERE TRUE, I
NOW WANT NOTHING MORE THAN TO
SEE ONE OF THOSE FUCKING BUSES,
BECAUSE IF THEY'RE TERRIBLE,
THAT'S WEIRD.
BUT IF THEY'RE IMPRESSIVE,
THAT'S SOMEHOW WEIRDER.
THE VERY IDEA OF THE NEW
PRIME MINISTER PAINTING
CRATE BUSES IN HIS SPARE TIME TO
RELAX IS JUST ENDLESSLY
FASCINATING.
BUT BORIS IS SO MUCH MORE THAN
THE POTENTIAL MICHELANGELO OF
VEHICULAR CRAFTS.
HE WAS AN ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL
LEADER IN THE BREXIT CAMPAIGN,
FAMOUSLY RIDING AROUND IN A
GIGANTIC RED NON-CRATE BUS WITH
A COMPLETE LIE SPLASHED ACROSS
THE SIDE OF IT.
AND NOW HE IS PRIME MINISTER AND
HAS TO FACE THE CHALLENGE OF
FINALIZING A BREXIT WITHDRAWAL
DEAL BY OCTOBER 31, WHICH IS
LESS THAN 100 DAYS FROM NOW, AND
THE CONSEQUENCES OF MESSING THAT
UP COULD HAVE CATASTROPHIC
RAMIFICATIONS FOR BRITAIN,
EUROPE, AND THE WORLD.
SO TONIGHT, WE THOUGHT IT MIGHT
BE HELPFUL TO EXPLAIN WHO,
EXACTLY, BORIS JOHNSON IS.
AND LET'S START WITH THE FACT
THAT, GIVEN THAT BRITAIN'S NEW
LEADER IS A CLOWNISH FIGURE WITH
SILLY HAIR AND A PASSING
RELATIONSHIP WITH THE TRUTH,
YOU MAY ALREADY BE THINKING
OF THE PERSON YOU'RE ALMOST
ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT ANYWAY,
AND YOU'RE NOT ALONE IN THAT.
THERE'VE BEEN COUNTLESS
HEADLINES COMPARING BORIS TO
DONALD TRUMP.
AND JUST THIS WEEK, TRUMP DID IT
HIMSELF.
>> THEY'RE SAYING
"BRITAIN TRUMP."
THEY CALL HIM "BRITAIN TRUMP,"
AND PEOPLE ARE SAYING THAT'S A
GOOD THING.
THEY LIKE ME OVER THERE.
>> John: NO.
THEY DON'T.
THEY ABSOLUTELY DO NOT.
THEY DON'T LIKE YOU OVER THERE,
AND NO ONE EVER SAYS
"BRITAIN TRUMP" UNLESS IT'S IN
THE CONTEXT OF A SENTENCE LIKE
"I'M GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF
BRITAIN; TRUMP IS COMING TO
VISIT THIS WEEKEND."
BUT TO CALL BORIS JOHNSON
"BRITAIN TRUMP" IS NEITHER
EXACTLY WRONG NOR EXACTLY RIGHT.
JOHNSON IS ACTUALLY A LOT MORE
COMPLEX THAN TRUMP IN A NUMBER
OF IMPORTANT WAYS.
FOR ONE, WHILE TRUMP TELLS YOU
HE HAS "THE BEST WORDS" BUT
DOESN'T, JOHNSON IS MORE THAN
HAPPY TO SHOW YOU HOW ERUDITE HE
IS.
JUST WATCH HIM CHARMINGLY DROP
SOME SPORTING TRIVIA AHEAD OF
THE LONDON OLYMPICS.
>> PING-PONG WAS INVENTED ON THE
DINING TABLES OF ENGLAND, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, IN THE 19TH
CENTURY, IT WAS!
AND IT WAS CALLED WHIFF-WAFF.
AND THERE I THINK YOU HAVE THE
ESSENTIAL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US
AND THE REST OF THE WORLD.
OTHER NATIONS, THE FRENCH, LOOK
TO THE DINING TABLE AND SAW AN
OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE DINNER.
WE LOOKED AT THE DINING TABLE
AND SAW AN OPPORTUNITY TO PLAY
WHIFF-WAFF.
>> John: LOOK, LOOK, YES, I WILL
ADMIT, THAT IS OBJECTIVELY
FUNNY, ALTHOUGH I'M NOT SURE
THAT THAT WHIFF-WAFF ANECDOTE
REFLECTS QUITE AS WELL ON THE
BRITISH AS HE'S IMPLYING THERE.
THE FRENCH LOOKED AT THE
DINING TABLE AS A CANVAS ON
WHICH TO CREATE EXCEPTIONAL
CUISINE, AND THE BRITISH SAW A
WAY TO BASICALLY INVENT
MOUSE TENNIS.
AND, LOOK, JOHNSON IS MORE THAN
HAPPY TO LOOK RIDICULOUS.
IT'S ENABLED HIM TO NOT JUST
SURVIVE WHEN HE FUCKS UP BUT
ACTUALLY BENEFIT.
THAT ABSURD ZIP LINE PHOTO FROM
THE OLYMPICS WOULD'VE KILLED
MOST POLITICIANS' CAREERS.
BUT BORIS FOUND A WAY TO LAUGH
AT HIMSELF AND CHARM EVERYONE.
JUST WATCH HOW IT GOT COVERED AT
THE TIME:
>> ISN'T THAT FANTASTIC?
>> THIS IS A MAN WHO SOME
ARE TIPPING AS A FUTURE
PRIME MINISTER.
>> LOOK, I THINK IF
ANYONE HAS WON THE OLYMPICS, I
WOULD SAY IT'S BORIS JOHNSON.
>> John: HOLD ON.
HOLD ON THERE.
"IF" ANYONE WON THE OLYMPICS?
TO BE CLEAR, PEOPLE DEFINITELY
WON THE OLYMPICS.
SPECIFICALLY, THE WINNERS.
THE WINNERS WON THE OLYMPICS.
AND IN A NUTSHELL, THAT HAS BEEN
THE ROOT OF BORIS'S APPEAL:
A LOVABLE MESS WEATHERING
ADVERSITY WITH HUMOR AND GOOD
CHEER.
BUT THE TRUTH IS, THERE MAY BE A
GREAT DEAL MORE CALCULATION
BEHIND THAT IMAGE THAN FIRST
APPEARS, BECAUSE BORIS LEARNED
AT AN EARLY AGE THE BENEFIT OF
MAKING YOURSELF THE BUTT OF THE
JOKE, AS HIS OWN SISTER
REMEMBERS.
>> HE DISCOVERED HE COULD MAKE
PEOPLE LAUGH WHEN HE WAS IN A
FRENCH PLAY AND HE HAD TO RECITE
MOLIERE AND HE HADN'T BOTHERED
TO LEARN HIS LINES AND HE HID
BEHIND A PILLAR READING THEM
OUT, WHICH WAS OBVIOUSLY MUCH
FUNNIER THAN IF HE'D LEARNED
THEM PERFECTLY AND HAD STOOD ON
A STAGE AND DECLAIMED THEM.
>> John: YEAH, OBVIOUSLY.
IT'S ALWAYS FUNNIER WHEN THINGS
GO WRONG.
LIKE IN THIS PHOTO OF JOHNSON
SHAKING HANDS WITH THE QUEEN.
OH, NO!
OH!
WHAT AN EMBARRASSING MISTAKE!
SEE?
OBJECTIVELY FUNNIER.
AND BY THE WAY, HOW ARE NEITHER
OF YOU INTO THIS?
BORIS ACTUALLY LEARNED A GREAT
DEAL FROM THAT INCIDENT, AS HE
HIMSELF WILL ADMIT.
>> DO YOU THINK YOU LEARNED
SOMETHING FOR LATER IN LIFE FROM
ACTING IN PLAYS AT ETON, THAT
YOU COULD ACTUALLY GET MORE
LAUGHS BY LOOKING AS IF YOU
DON'T KNOW YOUR LINES THAN
ACTUALLY REMEMBERING THEM?
>> WELL, I CERTAINLY THINK THAT
AS A GENERAL TACTIC IN LIFE, IF
THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DRIVING AT,
IT IS OFTEN USEFUL TO GIVE THE
SLIGHT IMPRESSION THAT YOU ARE
DELIBERATELY PRETENDING NOT TO
KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON BECAUSE
THE REALITY MAY BE THAT YOU
DON'T KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON BUT
PEOPLE WON'T BE ABLE TO TELL THE
DIFFERENCE.
>> John: AND THAT, RIGHT THERE,
IS THE KEY TO BORIS JOHNSON.
PRESENTING HIS OWN LACK OF
PREPARATION SO CHARMINGLY THAT
YOU ACTUALLY DOUBT HE'S
UNPREPARED BUT HE IS.
IT'S AN INCREDIBLY POWERFUL
TRICK.
AND INCIDENTALLY, IT'S CLIPS
LIKE THAT ARE ONE MAJOR REASON
WHY BORIS IS NOT THE BRITAIN
TRUMP, BECAUSE CAN YOU IMAGINE
TRUMP HAVING THAT LEVEL OF
SELF-REFLECTION?
"LOOK, WITH 'COVFEFE', THE
TACTIC WAS TO PRESENT MYSELF AS
A KIND OF SUBLITERATE CLOWN TO
DISTRACT YOU FROM THE FACT I'M A
MOUND OF SKIN TAUTLY STRETCHED
ACROSS THE HOWLING CHASM OF THE
SPACE WHERE A SOUL SHOULD BE."
IT'S A VERY USEFUL TOOL WHEN
DEPLOYED WELL.
THE POINT HERE IS THOUGH,
JOHNSON'S BUMBLING PERSONA IS A
CAREFULLY CALIBRATED ACT.
TAKE HIS HAIR.
MULTIPLE PEOPLE HAVE SAID HE
ACTUALLY MESSES IT UP ON
PURPOSE.
A BBC PRODUCER TWEETED THAT HE'D
"ALWAYS RUFFLE IT RIGHT BEFORE
THE CAMERA STARTED ROLLING."
WHICH KIND OF MAKES SENSE,
DOESN'T IT?
HE'S BEEN ON TV HUNDREDS OF
TIMES, AND HE ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE
A MESS.
WHAT WERE THE CHANCES THAT,
BEFORE EVERY ONE OF THOSE
APPEARANCES, HE COMBED, GELLED,
AND CAREFULLY PARTED HIS HAIR,
ONLY TO THEN BE HIT IN THE FACE
BY A GOOSE RIGHT AS THEY STARTED
FILMING?
NO, HE LOOKS LIKE THAT BECAUSE
HE WANTS TO.
OR TAKE HIS CLOTHING.
HE'S OFTEN SEEN OUTSIDE IN
ECCENTRIC, CHAOTIC OUTFITS.
BUT HE KNOWS HOW TO DRESS -- HE
JUST ALSO KNOWS THAT THAT IS A
MORE RELATABLE IMAGE THAN THIS
ONE FROM WHEN HE WAS IN THE
NOTORIOUSLY ELITE BULLINGDON
CLUB AT OXFORD UNIVERSITY WITH
HIS FRIEND DAVID CAMERON.
NOW, THAT PHOTO WAS A HUGE
LIABILITY FOR CAMERON, BUT NOT
FOR JOHNSON, BECAUSE HE'S
CLEVERLY INOCULATED HIMSELF
AGAINST THAT IMAGE OF
ASTONISHING PRIVILEGE BY
PRESENTING HIMSELF AS A
CARTOON ENGLISHMAN WHO DRESSES
LIKE A RACCOON WHO JUST EMERGED
FROM DAVID FOSTER WALLACE'S
TRASH.
AND ONCE YOU REALIZE WHAT HE'S
DOING, IT MAKES YOU QUESTION
EVERYTHING THAT YOU PREVIOUSLY
FOUND CHARMING ABOUT HIM.
REMEMBER THAT CLIP OF HIM
TALKING ABOUT PAINTING BUSES?
UNDENIABLY FUNNY.
BUT SOME IN BRITAIN HAVE POINTED
OUT THAT IT MIGHT'VE BEEN AN
ATTEMPT TO CHANGE THE GOOGLE
SEARCH RESULTS PEOPLE RECEIVE
WHEN THEY LOOK FOR SOMETHING
LIKE "BORIS JOHNSON BUS,"
MEANING THAT PEOPLE WOULD SEE
THAT DELIGHTFUL CLIP RATHER THAN
THIS SIGNIFICANTLY LESS
DELIGHTFUL BULLSHIT.
NOW, WAS THAT ACTUALLY HIS
INTENTION?
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO KNOW.
BUT YOU CAN'T RULE IT OUT
EITHER.
AND ONCE YOU SEE THE POSSIBILITY
THAT HIS GAFFES ARE, IN FACT,
CALCULATED MANIPULATIONS, YOU
CAN'T UN-SEE IT.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING AT THE FED EX
LOGO AND FINALLY NOTICING THE
ARROW OR LOOKING AT THE
STARBUCKS LOGO AND FINALLY
NOTICING ROBERT DE NIRO'S FACE.
YOU CAN NEVER LOOK AT IT IN
QUITE THE SAME WAY AGAIN.
AND BENEATH ALL OF BORIS'
SURFACE CHARM ARE SOME TRULY
NASTY ELEMENTS.
FOR ONE THING, HE IS A LIAR.
AS A YOUNG JOURNALIST, HE WAS
FIRED FROM HIS FIRST JOB AT
"THE TIMES OF LONDON" FOR
COMPLETELY MAKING UP A QUOTE.
IN FACT, HIS EDITOR CLAIMED
JOHNSON "WAS THE SINGLE WORST
EMPLOYEE HE'S EVER HAD AND
SKIPPED MANY WORKDAYS TO HANG
OUT WITH HIS BEST FRIEND,
JEFFREY EPSTEIN."
WHICH IS TERRIBLE.
IT'S NOT TRUE.
I JUST MADE THAT QUOTE UP.
BUT NOW YOU CAN SEE JUST HOW
IRRESPONSIBLE IT IS TO FABRICATE
THEM.
AND FROM THERE, JOHNSON FAILED
UPWARDS TO A JOB AT
"THE DAILY TELEGRAPH" WHERE HE
BUILT A FOLLOWING ON A SERIES OF
FLAGRANT FALSEHOODS ABOUT THE
EUROPEAN UNION AS THEIR BRUSSELS
CORRESPONDENT -- FALSEHOODS THAT
WOULD HELP LAY THE GROUNDWORK
FOR THE BREXIT VOTE DECADES
LATER.
JOHNSON EVEN ADMITS THAT HE HAD
SOMETHING CALLED A "SAVE-GET" --
A KEY COMMAND LIKE A
"COPY PASTE" -- OF A PHRASE HE
LIKED TO USE TO PAINT A
CARICATURE OF THE EU.
>> I HAD A SORT OF SAVE-GET.
DON'T KNOW -- DO YOU STILL HAVE
SAVE-GET KEYS?
A SAVE-GET KIND OF INTRO WHICH
WAS "BRITAIN STOOD ALONE
LAST NIGHT AS --" AND THEN I
WOULD FILL IN WHATEVER IT WAS.
"AS EUROPE PROCEEDED WITH PLANS
TO ABOLISH THE PRAWN COCKTAIL
FLAVOR CRISP" OR -- OR WHATEVER.
>> John: OKAY, SO FIRST, FOR
THOSE UNFAMILIAR, PRAWN COCKTAIL
CRISPS ARE REAL.
THEY SHOULDN'T BE, BUT THEY ARE.
AND EXPLAIN HOW IT HAPPENED,
IT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A COUNTRY
LOOKS AT A DINING TABLE AND
FOREGOES FOOD IN FAVOR OF
PLAYING WHIFF-WAFF.
BUT JOHNSON ACTUALLY DID WRITE A
SERIES OF COLUMNS CLAIMING
EUROPE WAS ATTEMPTING TO BAN THE
PRAWN COCKTAIL CRISP, WHICH WAS
A COMPLETE LIE.
EUROPE WAS NEVER PLANNING TO
ABOLISH THEM, AND THEY
IMMEDIATELY POINTED THAT OUT.
BUT BORIS' ALLEGATION SPREAD
LIKE WILDFIRE AND BECAME A
POPULAR EXAMPLE OF AN
OUT-OF-CONTROL EU.
AND AS RECENTLY AS 2016, A FULL
25 YEARS AFTER HIS BULLSHIT WAS
COMPLETELY DEBUNKED, BORIS
ACTUALLY CITED THE "GREAT WAR
AGAINST THE BRITISH PRAWN
COCKTAIL CRISP" AS PART OF HIS
CASE FOR BREXIT.
AND BY THE WAY, IF THERE EVER IS
A GREAT WAR AGAINST THE
PRAWN COCKTAIL CRISP, THERE WILL
BE NO WINNERS.
BELIEVE ME, BECAUSE I WILL SAY
THIS.
EATING THEM, IT'S LIKE EATING A
CREMATED MERMAID.
BUT IN A BAD WAY.
AND...
[COUGHING]
OH, THAT'S BAD.
[COUGHING]
LOOK, IT WOULD BE BAD ENOUGH IF
BORIS WERE JUST A LIAR, BUT HE'S
ALSO BEEN MORE THAN WILLING TO
TAP INTO OUTRIGHT BIGOTRY TO GET
AHEAD.
HE'S MADE REPEATED REFERENCES TO
SOME IMMIGRANTS AS PEOPLE THAT
WANT TO LEACH OF THE STATE,
MADE REFERENCES TO
"PICKANINNIES," SAID THE PEOPLE
OF CONGO HAD "WATERMELON
SMILES," CALLED GAY MEN
"TANK-TOPPED BUM-BOYS," AND JUST
LAST YEAR, THERE WAS THIS:
>> "THEY LOOK LIKE LETTERBOXES,"
BORIS JOHNSON WROTE ON MONDAY.
HE EVEN COMPARED WOMEN WHO WEAR
THEM TO BANK ROBBERS.
>> John: THAT IS AN APPALLING
COMMENT THAT LEAVES A TRULY
DISGUSTING TASTE IN YOUR MOUTH,
MUCH LIKE THE SHRIMP CRISP DUST
THAT HAS VERY MUCH VOTED TO
REMAIN ON MY FUCKING TONGUE.
AND WHEN REPORTERS CAMPED
OUTSIDE JOHNSON'S HOUSE, HE
REALLY TURNED THE CARTOON
VERSION OF HIMSELF UP TO 11,
RUFFLING UP HIS HAIR, DONNING AN
ABSURD OUTFIT, AND WADDLING OUT
TO CHARM THEM.
AND JUST WATCH HOW DEPRESSINGLY
EFFECTIVE IT WINDS UP BEING.
>> WOULD YOU APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT
YOU --
>> WILL YOU --
>> FOR YOUR COMMENT?
>> WILL YOU -- WILL YOU -- WILL
YOU HAVE A CUP OF TEA?
>> WILL YOU APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR
COMMENT?
>> WOULD YOU LIKE A CUP OF TEA?
>> YEAH, SURE.
>> OKAY, GO ON, HAVE A CUP OF
TEA.
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
DO YOU -- DO YOU REGRET -- DO
YOU REGRET --
>> WOULD YOU LIKE A CUP OF TEA?
>> DO YOU REGRET YOUR COMMENT?
[LAUGHTER]
DO YOU REGRET YOUR COMMENT?
>> I DON'T -- GO ON, HAVE A CUP
OF TEA.
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SIR.
>> THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO.
>> DO YOU REGRET YOUR COMMENT,
SIR?
>> I WANT YOU -- I WANT YOU TO
HAVE A CUP OF TEA.
>> IF I HAVE A CUP OF TEA, WILL
YOU -- WILL YOU ANSWER MY
QUESTION?
>> NO.
[CHUCKLES]
NO, I'M HERE SOLELY ON A
HUMANITARIAN MISSION BECAUSE
YOU'VE BEEN HERE ALL DAY AND
YOU'VE BEEN INCREDIBLY PATIENT
AND INCREDIBLY -- AND I FEEL
VERY SORRY FOR YOU BECAUSE I
HAVE NOTHING TO SAY ABOUT THIS
MATTER EXCEPT TO OFFER YOU SOME
TEA!
>> [LAUGHS]
OKAY.
>> OKAY.
GO ON.
>> OKAY, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> John: NO!
DON'T TAKE THE TEA!
AND DEFINITELY DON'T THANK HIM
FOR IT!
BECAUSE THINK ABOUT WHAT JUST
HAPPENED THERE, HE REFERRED TO
MUSLIM WOMEN AS LETTERBOXES, AND
IN THE SPACE OF 30 SECONDS, HE
HAD THEM LAUGHING ALONG WITH
HIM.
HE WAS IN TROUBLE, HE PUT ON
FULL BRIT-FACE, AND THOSE
JOURNALISTS FUCKING FELL FOR IT.
AND FOR THE RECORD, I CAN SAY
"BRIT-FACE."
YOU CAN'T.
I CAN DEFINITELY SAY IT.
WE CAN SAY IT TOGETHER.
YOU CAN'T SAY IT AT ALL.
THAT'S THE RULE.
BUT UNFORTUNATELY, BORIS THE
PRIME MINISTER MAY HAVE JUST HIT
THE LIMITS OF WHERE THAT CHARM
CAN TAKE HIM, BECAUSE,
CRUCIALLY, HE NOW HAS LESS THAN
100 DAYS TO NEGOTIATE A BREXIT
DEAL, AND HIS WELL-ENGINEERED
CLUMSY BRIT PERSONA DOESN'T
NECESSARILY TRAVEL WELL.
WE SAW THAT DURING HIS TIME AS
FOREIGN SECRETARY.
IN 2017, HE WAS IN MYANMAR
WHERE, FOR SOME REASON, HE KEPT
MUTTERING RUDYARD KIPLING'S
COLONIALIST POEM "MANDALAY" TO
HIMSELF.
>> "THE TEMPLE BELLS THEY SAY.
COME YOU BACK, YOU ENGLISH
SOLDIER."
REMEMBER THAT?
"THE WIND IS IN THE PALM
TREES.
TEMPLE BELLS THEY SAY."
>> ON MIC.
>> THE AMBASSADOR IS QUICK TO
SPOT THAT REMINDING THEIR HOSTS
OF BRITISH RULE MIGHT NOT BE
WISE.
>> PROBABLY NOT A GOOD IDEA.
>> WHAT, "THE ROAD TO
MANDALAY"?
>> NO, NOT APPROPRIATE.
>> GOOD STUFF.
>> John: IS IT GOOD STUFF?
OR IS THAT ACTUALLY BAD STUFF?
'CAUSE I WOULD ARGUE, AS A
FOREIGN SECRETARY, IT'S BEST NOT
TO REMIND PEOPLE OF WHEN YOUR
COUNTRY SUBJUGATED THEIRS FOR
MORE THAN A CENTURY.
IT WOULD BE HONESTLY BE MORE
DIPLOMATIC AT THAT POINT TO
RECITE THE LYRICS TO "MY NECK,
MY BACK (LICK IT)" BY KHIA.
"MY NECK.
MY BACK.
LICK MY PUSSY AND MY CRACK.
GOOD STUFF."
AND, LOOK, THAT WASN'T A
ONE-OFF.
JOHNSON'S TIME IN THE FOREIGN
OFFICE WAS LITTERED WITH GAFFES,
AS THIS JOURNALIST EXPLAINED
WITH THE HELP OF A VISUAL AID:
>> I'VE SPOKEN TO ONE FIGURE WHO
SAID THAT WORKING WITH
BORIS JOHNSON IS LIKE WALKING A
FEW FEET BEHIND A HORSE
SHOVELING ITS SHIT.
>> John: WOW.
THAT IS A STRIKING QUOTE,
ALTHOUGH I'M NOT REALLY SURE WHY
THAT JOURNALIST FELT THE NEED TO
BE NEXT TO A HORSE TO DELIVER
IT.
HOW DID HE PITCH THAT TO THE
STABLE OWNER?
"LOOK, I'M JUST WORRIED PEOPLE
HAVE FORGOTTEN WHAT HORSES LOOK
LIKE, SO PLEASE STAND ASIDE
WHILE I HUMILIATE YOUR ANIMAL ON
THE NEWS."
AND THE PROBLEM IS, IF JOHNSON
MESSES UP THE BREXIT
NEGOTIATION, THE PILEUP OF SHIT
COULD BE CONSIDERABLE HERE, AS
MOST ECONOMISTS BELIEVE A
NO-DEAL BREXIT WOULD CAUSE A
DEEP RECESSION, AND THE EU MAY
BE EXTRA IMMUNE TO BORIS'
CHARMS.
REMEMBER, HE WAS A KEY FIGURE IN
THE BREXIT CAMPAIGN AND HAS LIED
ABOUT THEM FOR DECADES IN HIS
NEWSPAPER COLUMNS, ON TOP OF
WHICH, HE'S PRIVATELY REFERRED
TO THE FRENCH AS "TURDS" AND
PUBLICLY COMPARED THE EU TO
HITLER.
SO HE'S NOT WORKING WITH A LOT
OF GOODWILL AT THIS POINT, AND
BORIS HAS MADE EXTRAVAGANT,
UNKEEPABLE PROMISES, INCLUDING
THAT HE'LL SOMEHOW FIND A WAY TO
SEVER NORTHERN IRELAND FROM THE
EU WITHOUT CREATING A HARD
BORDER WITH IRELAND.
BUT HIS SUGGESTIONS CAN'T WORK,
AND EU COMMISSIONER
JEAN-CLAUDE JUNCKER HAS
RESPONDED PRETTY CLEARLY TO
THEM:
>> JUNCKER REITERATED THAT
"THE EU'S POSITION THAT THE
WITHDRAWAL AGREEMENT IS THE BEST
AND ONLY AGREEMENT POSSIBLE."
IN OTHER WORDS, JUNCKER SAID NO
TO JOHNSON.
>> John: YEAH, OF COURSE HE DID.
SO JOHNSON IS SHIT OUT OF LUCK
AT THIS POINT.
HIS BUMBLING CHARM MAY WORK
WONDERS IN LOW-STAKES
SITUATIONS, BUT THAT'S NOT WHERE
HE IS NOW.
THINK OF IT LIKE THIS:
HUGH GRANT IS DELIGHTFUL IN
ROMANTIC COMEDIES.
THE STAMMERING.
THE HESITATION.
THE INABILITY TO RELATE TO HIS
IMMEDIATE SURROUNDINGS WITH ANY
LEVEL OF COMPETENCE.
YOU WANT TO SEE HUGH GRANT IN
"FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL,"
BUT NO ONE WANTS TO SEE HIM IN
"UNITED 93."
BECAUSE THE CONTEXT WOULD MAKE
HIS CHARACTER A LOT LESS
CHARMING.
"SORRY, I JUST, UM, WELL, THIS
IS A REALLY STUPID QUESTION,
PAR-PARTICULARLY IN VIEW OF YOUR
RECENT JIHAD.
BUT, I -- I JUST WONDERED, IF,
BY ANY CHANCE, IN THE WORDS OF
DAVID CASSIDY WHEN HE WAS STILL
WITH THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY, I
BELIEVE, YOU MIGHT BE PERSUADED
TO, SHOULD ALLAH WILL IT,
OBVIOUSLY, LAND THIS PLANE.
ALLAHU -- AS I BELIEVE YOU SAY
IT -- AKBAR."
BECAUSE, YEAH, IT'S LESS GOOD.
IT'S LESS GOOD IN A SITUATION
THAT MATTERS.
BECAUSE JOHNSON CANNOT GET WHAT
HE WANTS OR HAS PROMISED HERE,
AND HIS ONLY HOPE OF AVOIDING
COMPLETE CATASTROPHE IS THROUGH
FOCUS, DISCIPLINE, AND DETAIL,
BUT THOSE ARE THREE ACHILLES'
HEELS OF HIS.
I'LL SHOW YOU: ONE OF HIS GREAT
PLANS FOR MITIGATING THE
POTENTIALLY CATASTROPHIC EFFECTS
OF A NO-DEAL BREXIT IS TO
SUGGEST THAT, IF THE U.K. MISSES
THE OCTOBER DEADLINE, IT COULD
SIMPLY TRADE FREELY WITH THE EU
UNDER ARTICLE 24, PARAGRAPH 5B
OF THIS EXISTING TRADE
AGREEMENT.
BUT -- AND YOU DO NOT NEED TO
KNOW THE DETAILS OF THIS -- THE
VERY NEXT PARAGRAPH, 5C, MAKES
IT CLEAR THAT THAT IS SIMPLY NOT
POSSIBLE.
AND JUST WATCH AS A JOURNALIST
WHO ACTUALLY UNDERSTOOD THAT
CHALLENGED JOHNSON ON IT.
>> YOU TALK ABOUT ARTICLE 5B --
>> PARAGRAPH 5B.
>> IN ARTICLE 24.
>> ARTICLE 24.
GET THE DETAIL RIGHT.
GET THE DETAIL RIGHT, ANDREW.
ARTICLE 24, PARAGRAPH 5B.
>> AND HOW WOULD YOU HANDLE
PARAGRAPH 5C?
>> I WOULD CONFIDE ENTIRELY IN
PARAGRAPH 5B BECAUSE THAT IS --
>> BUT HOW WOULD YOU GET ROUND
PARTS IN 5C?
>> I WOULD CONFIDE ENTIRELY IN
PARAGRAPH 5B, WHICH IS ENOUGH
FOR OUR PURPOSES --
>> DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S IN 5C?
>> NO.
>> John: OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
THAT "NO" WAS DELIVERED WITH THE
CONFIDENCE OF A MAN WHO DOESN'T
KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT,
BUT THINKS IT DOESN'T MATTER.
IT'S A "NO" THAT SAYS "YEAH, I'M
FULL OF SHIT.
SO WHAT?
JUST WALK A FEW FEET BEHIND ME
AND CLEAN IT UP WITH A SHOVEL."
BUT THAT LACK OF ATTENTION TO
DETAIL FOR A PROCESS THAT HAS
THE POTENTIAL TO IMPACT MILLIONS
OF PEOPLE IS REALLY ALARMING,
AND THERE IS NO REASON FOR MUCH
HOPE HERE, BECAUSE ALL THE
SKILLS THAT HELPED JOHNSON TO
BECOME PRIME MINISTER WILL NOT
PAPER OVER ALL THE DEFICITS THAT
ARE GOING TO MAKE HIM TERRIBLE
AT THAT JOB.
JOHNSON HAS NOW BACKED HIMSELF
INTO A CORNER, BECAUSE
PARLIAMENT'S REJECTED THE EU'S
DEAL.
THE EU SAYS THERE'S NO BETTER
DEAL TO BE HAD.
THERE'S REALLY NO GOOD WAY OUT
OF THIS, MEANING THAT HE'S
PRETTY MUCH NOW STRANDED, AND
NOT THE CHARMING KIND OF
STRANDED THAT MEANS YOU'VE
SOMEHOW "WON THE OLYMPICS."
BECAUSE THIS TIME, THAT ZIP LINE
ISN'T OVER OLYMPIC SPECTATORS.
IT'S OVER A VOLCANO, IT'S SET TO
ERUPT IN THREE MONTHS' TIME, AND
THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO CAN HELP HIM
GET DOWN ARE THE SAME PEOPLE
HE'S ACCUSED OF BEING TURDS AND
HITLERS.
AND UNFORTUNATELY FOR JOHNSON,
BRITAIN, EUROPE, AND THE WORLD,
I JUST DON'T THINK HE'S GOING TO
BE ABLE TO WHIFF WAFF HIS WAY
OUT OF THIS ONE.
AND NOW THIS.
>> Announcer: AND NOW, CNBC'S
JOE KERNAN IRRITATES HIS
COWORKERS.
>> RAMI MALEK'S TEETH, THOSE
FAKE TEETH, WON BEST ACTOR, I
THINK, DID THEY NOT?
OR...
>> NO, I THINK THEY DID NOT.
>> NO, BABY SKIN.
>> GET A LITTLE OLDER, GRAVITY
TAKES OVER.
THE BABY POWDER...
>> GRAVITY TAKES OVER?
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO TELL
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE AT 6:08 IN
THE MORNING?
>> IT'S JUST A FACT.
THERE ARE SPECIFIC TYPE OF SWEAT
GLANDS IN YOUR EAR CANAL.
>> SO GROSS.
>> REALLY ACTIVE ONES.
IT'S SPECTACULAR.
IT'S REAL, THEY ARE REAL, AND
THEY'RE SPECTACULAR.
>> NICE.
>> YEAH.
LIKE HE SAID.
>> MM-HMM.
>> WHAT'S HIS FACE, THE
AUSTIN POWERS DUDE WITH THE
TEETH.
>> MIKE MYERS?
>> NO!
THE GUY WHO SUMMARIZES A WEEK IN
A DAY ON SUNDAY NIGHT?
>> OH.
>> GOD ALMIGHTY.
HE IS NOT REPRESENTATIVE OF --
IS HE?
DO YOU TAKE CREDIT --
>> I THINK IT'S A GOOD SHOW.
I LIKE HIM.
>> HOW ABOUT TIME FOR THE
SQUAWK PLANNER?
>> John: THAT'S OUR SHOW.
THANKS SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
GOOD NIGHT!
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪