(Door slams)
- David?
David, what is this?!
- It looks like a bike.
- Is it yours?
- Yes. Yes, it is.
- David, what is this doing here?
- You might wanna read the note.
- No, is it from Mutt?
David!
No! No!
- I feel like he really gets you.
Like, I feel like he sees like, deep into your soul.
I'm not quite sure what he's seeing exactly,
but there's definitely - he's looking inward.
- What am I gonna do?! - About what?
- This is serious, David!
This is so off base!
Arghh!
My God, imagine what kind of ring he'd buy!
Like an opal, or something.
- Ooh, like a pear-shaped opal. - (Groans)
(Knocking) MUTT: Hello, is anybody home?
- No, Mutt!
Hey, you have to support me in this.
- Mhmm. - You have to, do you promise me?
- Oh yeah, of course.
- (Calming exhale)
- So... - Hey you!
This is so special for me.
- Well, I you needed a new mode of transportation.
- I do!
I do need a mode of transportation!
And like, a car would be nice, but do I need a car?
- Not anymore, it appears.
- Well, you said you missed spin class, so...
- I did!
I did say that I missed spin class.
And so you bought me a bike!
Because I said that I missed spin class.
Because you're so thoughtful and perceptive.
- So you like it? - Mm, I'd say she loves it.
- Mm-hmm. - Well, you're gonna need this.
DAVID AND ALEXIS: A helmet!
- It came with the bike.
- I think you should put it on.
Like, I think you should actually like,
like, put the helmet on. - Yeah.
And I will one day,
when we take this little pony for a joyride!
- Actually, I brought my bike, so we can test it out.
I thought maybe we could take a little ride to the cafe.
- Ah! So fun.
(Whispering) I hate you, David!
- See 'ya!
♪♪
(Low hum of chatter)
- What about lamps?
The lamps at the motel have those uh...
little bulbs,
These are old-fashioned big bulb lamps.
- I don't see any bulbs here.
- No there aren't, but the point is,
we can get big bulbs if we have big bulb lamps.
- Oh John, I don't know.
Lamps, clothing, jewelry...
Look at this poor woman's life
strewn across cheap folding tables.
John, do you think they did this with our things?
- No, not ours, no.
They put our stuff right on the lawn.
- Strangers picking through precious pieces we owned!
- I know, and judging us,
like we're judging this poor woman.
- Well, except they'd have been saying,
"what great taste they had!"
- I wonder who got my golf clubs.
Really, John, that's the first thing that comes to mind?
- They were custom made.
- So was my Galapagonian tortoiseshell foot bath.
And now some lonely hoarder
is letting his cats poop in it.
- Well, they were just things, Moira, just things.
- Yeah, designer, one-of-a-kind things.
- Yeah, sleek, oak-trimmed, leather interior,
German-engineered things. - Oh!
Shopping used to cheer me up.
Big bulbs is not doing it for me.
(Knock on door)
- (Groans) Oh God.
- Roland!
- Sure, I'll come in, but just for a second.
BOTH: Ahem!
- Huh! - (Laughs)
- Can I help you with something?
- Well um, here's the deal:
Uh, I was thinking this morning,
And I don't wanna tell you where I was thinking,
but it was a small room in my house,
and I was sitting down-- - Okay.
- And I was thinking to myself,
who can I trust to help me pick out a woman's blouse?
And you know whose name came to mind?
- I don't-I don't know, Rachel Zoe?
- Yours!
- I don't know how to take that.
- It's for Jocelyn. - Mm!
- And you know, I would do it myself,
it's just that you know, shopping,
I mean, you go in, you get--
you know, look at the stuff on the racks,
- Uh huh... - and you pick out, you know, the colour that you like,
and then you try it on and make sure it fits you,
- Right. - and then you buy it and you--
- You're just describing what shopping is.
- Yes, and normally I'm fine with that,
it's just I'm looking for something a little fancy here.
A little um, stylish. A little elegant.
- Ah... - You know?
And who knows elegance better than you, pal?
I mean, you're the only elegant guy I know!
- So you're looking for me to style Jocelyn?
- Well, actually, this is supposed to be a surprise.
So I was kinda thinking that maybe um,
you and me could just go out and do a little uh,
shopping together on the down low.
- Y-Yeah... Yeah, that um...
No, we could to that, we could do that at some point.
- Oh, great! - Yeah. Yeah.
- Good, that's terrific.
So then, whenever's good for you.
- Okay, great.
So you wanna-so you wanna go now?
- It's a little time sensitive, that's the only thing.
- Yeah, okay, well, I take it you have measurements,
and a mood board, then?
- The whole purpose of having a bike
might be to actually ride the bike.
- Yeah, I'm just not wearing the right outfit.
- It's a five minute ride.
- Yeah, so by the time we get on,
and then we get off, it's almost not worth it.
- Do you not like the bike?
- No, I love it! It's just that, um,
there are so many drunk drivers around here.
- It's 10:00am.
- Mutt, you tell that to an alcoholic!
- Is it the colour? Because I mean,
it's totally fixable! - Okay, fine.
I don't know how to ride a bike.
- What? - I said, I don't know how to ride a bike!
(Groans) Ugh!
- Moira, look at these cufflinks.
- Oh John,
We're better off stealing cutlery from the cafe!
- No, these look like sterling.
I'm gonna bid on these.
- Hey there, Roses!
- Oh, hi. - Oh hey, Jocelyn.
- Look at you two bargain hunters.
You finding anything yet?
- Mm, nothing you couldn't see fall out of a common
Christmas cracker!
- I think half the fun is panning for nuggets
at these things. - Ooh, look at that mattress!
- Well, there you go, what a find.
- Poor dear, enchanted by a death bed.
- This is a brand new mattress, it's still in the plastic!
- What?! - Yeah!
And it's memory foam! This must've cost a fortune!
- Well, you're just gonna have to bid on it.
- John, why didn't you see that mattress first?!
That's something we could actually use!
- I'll use the cufflinks! - What size is it?
- Oh I don't know, it's at least a queen.
- Well, that's too big to get home.
- No, we got the truck. - But awkward, Jocelyn,
and awkward with those tiny doorways of yours.
- Johnny, help me cover it up.
I don't want other people to see it.
(Jocelyn grunts with effort)
- Now, we need a top, and we need a bottom.
Like a skirt, something like that,
which I know you're familiar with 'cause you're wearing one.
- Okay, these are pants that just so happen to have
a pant fabric over the front and back-- okay.
- Yeah, it's a skirt. Um, what about this?
It seems durable, yes?
- Yeah um, in fashion, durable and elegant
rarely go hand in hand.
so I'd put that- put that back.
- Okay, so not that.
- What about this?
Jocelyn seems to like loud floral prints.
- Yeah, the thing is, um, this is kind of a special...
kind of blouse. - Uh-huh.
- Have you ever seen "The Devil Wears Prada?"
- Obviously! - Okay, well,
Meryl Streep plays this kind of powerful, sexy fashion woman--
- Yep, I've seen it! - Okay, anyway,
Jocelyn and I like to have a little fun with that idea,
if you know what I mean.
She plays Meryl, and I play the nervous
but ambitious intern who's new to the city.
- Oh, so you're the--
So you-you're the Anne Hathaway in that situation?
- I don't know who that is.
Well, that's more than enough information for me to go on.
ALEXIS: You're judging me! MUTT: I'm not!
It's just riding a bike is a pretty basic skill.
- Mm, is it though?
- I think that most kids learn how to ride a bike!
- Yeah well, most kids also get head lice.
I'm sorry if the opportunity never presented itself.
- Oh what, there was no gap year in Belgium?
(With a French accent) No Tour de France boyfriend?
- Yeah, but I never had to ride the bike!
And David was such a little drama queen
when my parents tried teaching him,
that they threw all the bikes into this big bonfire
up in the Hamptons, and we never talked about it again.
- Oh.
- Anyway, I have lots of skills that you don't have.
- I am sure that you do.
- Like, have you ever had to negotiate in Arabic?
It is very difficult. - I believe you.
- And try getting into "Kiss Kiss" in Tokyo
without a lock of human hair.
- Now, you see, if you can do all that,
I'm pretty sure that you can learn to ride a bike.
- (Laughs)
- Alexis?
- Sorry, I was just thinking about this crazy night
at "Kiss Kiss."
(Laughs)
- Well, this might be the closest we're gonna get to Meryl.
You know, if she got fired from her job at the magazine,
and started walking the streets.
- Oh, that's a good one! We haven't tried that one yet.
- Yeah, I wouldn't. - No, it's a good idea.
WENDY: Missing Peter Pan?
- I'm sorry?
- Well, because I see a couple of "Lost Boys."
(Chuckles)
Hi, I'm Wendy. Are we shopping for a mother, a girlfriend?
- Actually, my wife. - Oh!
- Yeah, we've got it under control though,
so thank you so much.
- Oh well, very well, then.
If you need me, I'll be right here.
I know how hard it can be for two men
in a women's clothing store.
Well, I'm actually in really good hands,
because this man has a woman's touch.
- I don't-I don't know what that means.
- Okay, so we're gonna take these pieces.
- Oh well, I have to ask, is this for a funeral?
Because we do offer bereavement discounts.
- No, why would you think that?
- Well, just very somber, serious pieces.
- Well, we don't want that!
- Well, they're not-- - If you're willing,
I have a few new pieces that just came in,
I'd love for you to see them.
- I just don't know if we need to be adding any more options to the mix.
- Well, if she's offering, what's the problem?
- Everything in here is like one big, tacky blouse.
- Oh, come on, that's silly.
- Now, I know you men like to play it safe,
but I just thought, why not shake it up?
- Ugh! - Oh, I like these!
- Um... - Hmm? Mhmm!
- Are they durable? - Oh well,
durability a given here at the "Blouse Barn."
And if you're asking my opinion...
- Are we, though?
- It's between these two.
- Well, this is a real "Sophie's Choice!"
- I hope that you and Jocelyn don't role play that at home.
- Hell, we've played every Streep movie.
- Oh, okay. - Um...
Would you describe either of those as "quick release?"
- Funnily enough, both have snaps.
- Oh, great!
Well, then I guess I um...
Well...
Uh, which one do you like?
- I don't know, it's such a tough choice.
- Oh, you're tellin' me!
- It's just that I'm finding both of these options
to be a little um... - What?
- Well, I don't know, we've just spent so much time
and energy finding the few pieces that aren't um...
- Uh... - What?!
- I'm trying to find the word to describe what I--
- Oh! Flirty? Sassy?
- Skanky! I think the clothes are a bit skanky.
- Hmm.
- Well! Skanky.
- We'll um, take the funereal skirt then,
and the skanky blouse.
RAY: And sold! (Gavel bangs)
To Johnny Rose, for the price of $15 dollars!
Which uh, I hope you can afford.
You know, considering your financial situation.
- Yeah, I get it Ray, I get it. I get it.
I've got cash, and I'd just like my cufflinks, please.
RAY: And now, moving on to bedroom items.
First we'll have a brand new queen sized
memory foam mattress.
We'll start the bidding on the bed at $50 dollars.
We have $50!
- $60! - Moira.
- Ssh! - Ooh, I smell a bidding war!
Do we have $70? - $70!
- $70! Do I have $75?
- $75! - Moira, what are you doing?
- We are currently sleeping on a rectangular collection
of knives and barbed wire, John.
- $75, do we have $80?
- $80! - $80!
- $90! - Moira, we can't afford this!
- You got the cufflinks! - For $15 dollars!
- $90! Do we have $100? - $100!
- You just bid against yourself!
RAY: Do I hear $105?
- Do you remember what we used to sleep on? Texas Kings!
- $130! - Wow, $130! Do I hear $135?
- $140! - $150!
- $160! - Moira, I'm begging you!
- Oh, she has a decent bed, John,
she's just being greedy! - $165, anyone?
- $170! - You did it again!
- I know what I'm doing! - $170! $180?
- Ray, I think we're done here! - $180!
- $180! Do I hear $190?
- One-nine... Two hundred!
- $200! Wow, Mrs. Rose.
You're really going for it, which is surprising--
- Yeah, Ray, you know what, that was just a joke bid, so.
- Oh, I understand.
Unfortunately that joke bid is currently our highest
at $200 dollars!
Going once, going twice, - Two hundred and one!
- $201 going once, going twice, - Don't!
- Sold, to Jocelyn Schitt, for $201 dollars.
- Fuck!
(Truck rumbles)
- Well, thank you for this delightful trip.
- You know, I'm starting to get the feeling that uh,
you're a little upset.
- What would give you that impression?
- Well, I first noticed it when Heart came on,
and nobody was taking the high parts.
- Oh my God! - Look you should feel good about yourself!
Come on, you made some great choices today.
- Nothing we bought today came anywhere close
to something Meryl Streep would wear
in "The Devil Wears Prada," nothing!
- Oh jeez, you are so touchy!
God, you're like a- a fancy dinner plate
that you don't wanna nudge off the edge of the table.
- Okay, I don't know what that means.
Um listen, I don't have a lot to my name right now,
but I do have one thing.
- Self-respect? - No, taste.
And when that is not appreciated,
or worse, publicly undermined, publicly...
uh yeah, I might get a little upset.
- Look, David- David!
(Sighs) Listen.
If I wasn't so easily swayed by powerful women
in a retail environment, I would've been there for you.
Okay, because I honestly believe that really do
have a very, very sharp eye.
- Thank you, that's nice of you to say.
- Trust me, when Joc sees this blouse,
I'm gonna make sure she knows you're the one
that picked it out. - I didn't pick that blouse.
- I know, but I'm gonna tell her you did.
- Okay, thanks so much.
(Truck rumbles)
(Rattles)
- This is ridiculous! - This is how you learn.
- Everyone is looking at me, Mutt!
- No one is looking at you!
- Ugh! - Is everything okay?
People were saying that a girl was struggling with her bike.
I kinda just assumed it was a toddler.
- No, I am a grown adult young woman.
- Okay, this is how my dad taught me,
and this is how I'm teaching you!
- I'm glad I knew how to ride a bike when we dated.
- Yeah, I don't really trust your dad in terms of like,
"teachable moments."
TWYLA: You know, one of my mom's boyfriends had a really great trick.
He used to say, "One foot on the ground,
one foot on the pedal, now get the hell outta here!"
- Hey, that's fun, I like that, let's try that.
- Okay fine, I'm just saying,
if it's something you never did before--
- There you go! - Okay, wait!
- Are you coming, or do I just keep like, driving straight?
- I didn't teach you how to brake yet!
- Get the hell outta here, you dumb broad!
(Chuckles) That was another thing he used to say.
(Knocks)
- Hey. - Roland!
- Johnny, um, do you have a minute?
- Yeah. - Come here.
- What's going on?
- Well Johnny, I'm about to make you
the most popular guy in Room 6.
- Is this the mattress?
- Okay, yeah, I've got a big heart,
all right, don't spread it around.
I talked Jocelyn into letting you have it.
- You're giving us the mattress?
- Well, practically, it's yours for $200 bucks.
- That's a dollar less than you paid for it!
- Johnny, it's barely out of the plastic.
- We can't afford it.
- Oh I see, you're the master negotiator at work here, huh?
Okay, um, $195.
- We can't afford it!
- Okay, hardball, huh? I'll play.
Um, $182.50.
- All right, bye, Roland. - Fifty bucks.
- Fifty?
- Look, I'll level with you, okay?
Um, we tried it out as soon as Jocelyn brought it home.
- You tried it out?
- Yeah, not enough bounce for the bumps,
if you know what I mean. -Hmm.
- But given your advanced years,
it might just be the thing for you and Moira.
- Yeah well, we're not that old...
But $50?
(Crickets chirp)
MOIRA: Kudos to you, Mr. Rose.
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I'm so comfortable!
- Well, only the best for you, my dear.
- Yet they didn't want it?
- Oh, I think they just felt sorry for us.
- Well, that seems strange, John.
Especially since Jocelyn paid over $200 for it.
- You know what I think, I think they tried it out,
and uh, it just didn't work for them.
- And by tried it out, you mean...
- I mean they... tried it out.
- Eww! Oh God! No! Oh! Oh!
Oh God, that's memory foam, John!
- Oh Moira, we've stayed at Kennedy compound,
- Oh! - This can't be any worse than that!
- The Kennedys aren't Roland!
The Kennedys have regular medicals, daily laundering!
- This has gotta be better than the motel mattress
we were using, I mean, who knows who tried that out!
- Is that supposed to be helping me?!
- Moira, this is a $50 dollar gift from heaven.
I mean, look, hey!
I don't feel any springs, no nails, no bolts!
It's comfy, come to bed.
- Tomorrow we get a mattress cover.
- Yes, yes, that's the spirit.
- Oh...
Oh! - Mm!
Ahh...
Seriously, don't think about it.
ALEXIS: Okay, so you have to keep it upright.
- I don't even wanna do this!
- David, you're gonna feel so good, trust me.
- Oh my God, you know that I have bad
foot-eye coordination, you didn't have to wear
corrective leg braces for three months.
- You can't blame everything on having been pigeon-toed, David.
- Oh my God! JOHNNY: Kids, your mother and I are gonna--
Oh my God, David, what are you doing?!
- I'm teaching him how to ride a bike!
- Oh please don't, you know I can't stand the sight of blood.
- Seriously son, you're gonna hurt yourself!
- David, it is one foot on the pedal,
and one foot on the ground, and then get the hell out of here!
Okay? - I don't know what that means.
- Okay, I'm gonna hold the back.
- Aah! - He's coming, come on, come on!
- Oh, okay- aah! Aah! Aah!
ALEXIS: David, the pedals make it move more!
- John, he's doing it! - You're doing it, son!
- Oh my God.
- Yay! (Clapping) - Woo hoo hoo!
- Hey, someone get my camera!
DAVID: Nobody get a camera! STEVIE: David! Over here!
(Camera clicks)