Announcer: TONIGHT ON "LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS" --
JOHN OLIVER, AWARD-WINNING SPORTS ANNOUNCER JOE BUCK
AN ALL-NEW "A CLOSER LOOK," FEATURING THE 8G BAND WITH FRED ARMISEN
AND NOW, SETH MEYERS
Seth: GOOD EVENING! I'M SETH MEYERS AND THIS IS
"LATE NIGHT. HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT? WELL, THAT'S GOOD TO HEAR.
LET'S GET TO THE NEWS. PRESIDENT TRUMP ON TUESDAY GRANTED A CEREMONIAL
THANKSGIVING PARDON TO A TURKEY NAMED CORN NO SUCH LUCK FOR THE TURKEY
NAMED COHEN. FOLLOWING THE NEWS YESTERDAY THAT THE STOCK MARKET'S DOW
JONES INDUSTRIAL AVERAGE HIT AN ALL-TIME HIGH OF 30 THOUSAND POINTS, PRESIDENT TRUMP
INTERRUPTED A WHITE HOUSE PRESS BRIEFING TO TAKE CREDIT FOR THE MILESTONE.
DUDE, IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE LEAVING. THAT'S LIKE HARVEY WEINSTEIN
TAKING CREDIT FOR HOW MUCH SAFER EVERYONE FEELS IN HOLLYWOOD NOW. ACCORDING TO A NEW POLL, 60% OF
VOTERS WOULD SUPPORT PRESIDENT-ELECT JOE BIDEN CANCELING UP TO $50 THOUSAND OF
STUDENT LOAN DEBT PER PERSON PERFECT FOR EVERYONE WHO WENT TO NYU FOR A WEEK
PRESIDENT-ELECT JOE BIDEN'S TRANSITION TEAM REPORTEDLY SCHEDULED NEARLY 20 MEETINGS
WITH FEDERAL AGENCIES THE DAY AFTER THE GSA FORMALLY AUTHORIZED A TRANSITION OF
POWER. "THAT'S NOT A LOT OF THE MEETINGS," SAID A KID DOING
REMOTE LEARNING. THE CDC IS REPORTEDLY CONSIDERING SHORTENING THE
RECOMMENDED AMOUNT OF QUARANTINE TIME FOR PEOPLE WHO MAY HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO THE CORONAVIRUS
IN HOPES THAT MORE PEOPLE WILL FOLLOW ITS GUIDELINES. SO, NOW, I GUESS, WE'LL FIND OUT
IF THE VIRUS RESPONDS TO HAGGLING HOW ABOUT JUST THE FEVER AND NO
SHORTNESS OF BREATH? ACCORDING TO THE LATEST NUMBERS, FORMER PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA'S
NEW MEMOIR, "A PROMISED LAND," HAS SOLD MORE THAN 17.7 MILLION COPIES IN ITS FIRST WEEK AFTER
BEING RELEASED IT WAS SO SUCCESSFUL THAT NOW TRUMP IS THINKING OF WRITING AN
OBAMA MEMOIR ACCORDING TO A NEW SURVEY, MEN WITH SMALLER PENISES ARE MORE
LIKELY TO GET PROMOTED AT WORK THAT REMINDS ME, GIVE IT UP FOR MY NEW HEAD WRITER IAN
SCOLLINS THAT'S RIGHT A NEW SURVEY SAYS MEN WITH
SMALLER PENISES ARE MORE LIKELY TO GET PROMOTED AT WORK WHILE MEN WITH LARGER PENISES ARE MORE
LIKELY TO WORK AS COPS, FIREMEN, PLUMBERS AND PIZZA GUYS, OFTEN ON THE SAME DAY.
AND THAT WAS THE MONOLOGUE WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
OUR FRIEND, JOHN OLIVER, WILL BE HERE AND SEVEN-TIME EMMY-WINNING
SPORTSCASTER JOE BUCK IS ALSO JOINING US BUT BEFORE WE GET TO ALL THAT,
PRESIDENT-ELECT JOE BIDEN IS MOVING AHEAD WITH THE TRANSITION AND ANNOUNCING CABINET PICKS
MEANWHILE, THE OUTGOING PRESIDENT AND HIS GANG OF VERY BAD LAWYERS ARE LAYING THE
GROUNDWORK TO SPEND FOUR YEARS BASELESSLY CLAIMING THE ELECTION WAS STOLEN FROM HIM.
FOR MORE ON THIS, IT'S TIME FOR "A CLOSER LOOK." *
ONE THING WE KNOW FOR SURE ABOUT DONALD TRUMP IS HE WILL NEVER UNEQUIVOCALLY CONCEDE.
HE MIGHT NOT EVEN LEAVE THE WHITE HOUSE. THEY'RE EITHER GOING TO HAVE TO
OPEN THE ROOF LIKE A TUNA CAN AND SCRAPE HIM OUT WITH A SPOON OR LET HIM STAY IN THE LINCOLN
BEDROOM BECAUSE HIS IDEA FOR A GOLF-THEMED BEATLES COVER BAND, THE FAB FOUR DIDN'T WORK OUT
"DONALD, WE HAVE TO LEAVE. "BUT I'M WORKING ON SOME NEW ONES
HOLD ON. * A HOLE IN ONE * DONALD
HOW ABOUT THIS ONE * CAN'T FIND MY BALL * IF THE BAND WAS GOING TO TAKE
OFF, DONALD, IT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED BY NOW. * A LONG AND WINDING COURSE
THAT IS A PAR FOUR * "OH, I LIKE THAT ONE, DONALD." BUT THE WAY WE KNOW TRUMP KNOWS
THE END GAME IS NEAR IS THAT WITH A FEW EXCEPTIONS WE'VE BARELY SEEN OR HEARD FROM HIM.
IN FACT, TODAY TRUMP CALLED INTO A FAKE HEARING RUDY GIULIANI AND PENNSYLVANIA REPUBLICANS HELD IN
A HOTEL BALLROOM AND ONE OF HIS LAWYERS PUT HIM ON SPEAKER, HELD THE PHONE UP TO THE MIC AND LET
HIM RAMBLE INCOHERENTLY ABOUT OVERTURNING THE ELECTION RESULTS.
I REALLY APPRECIATE BEING ASKED TO SPEAK, AND I'M IN THE OVAL OFFICE RIGHT NOW AND IT'S
VERY INTERESTING TO SEE WHAT'S GOING ON AND THIS WAS AN ELECTION THAT WE
WON EASILY SO, THIS WAS A, VERY SAD TO SAY IT, THIS ELECTION WAS RIGGED,
AND WE CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN WE CAN'T LET IT HAPPEN FOR OUR COUNTRY.
AND THIS ELECTION HAS TO BE TURNED AROUND, BECAUSE WE WON PENNSYLVANIA BY A LOT AND WE WON
ALL OF THESE SWING STATES BY A LOT. IF YOU WERE A REPUBLICAN POLL
WATCHER, YOU WERE TREATED LIKE A DOG. WHY WOULDN'T THEY OVERTURN AN
ELECTION CERTAINLY OVERTURN IT IN YOUR STATE, BECAUSE WE HAVE OTHER
STATES THAT ARE JUST AS BAD, AND THEY TALK ABOUT CLOSED-CIRCUIT TELEVISION, EXCEPT YOU COULDN'T
SEE IT, BECAUSE THE PICTURE WAS SO UNCLEAR, YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY WERE DOING
THEY COULD HAVE BEEN PLAYING A BASEBALL GAME. SO, I REALLY APPRECIATE IT, AND
THE COUNTRY APPRECIATES IT AND WE HAVE TO TURN THE ELECTION OVER
Seth: NOW, I'VE DEFINITELY DONE THAT WITH MY GRANDPARENTS, JUST PUT THEM ON SPEAKER SO YOU
CAN WANDER AWAY AND DO CHORES WHILE THEY COMPLAIN ABOUT THE LAWN BOWLING LEAGUE THEY'RE IN
THIS IS WHAT IT'S GOING TO BE LIKE FOR EVERY AMERICAN WHOSE FAMILY CAN'T TRAVEL FOR
THANKSGIVING, A THREE-HOUR ZOOM CALL WHERE YOU SPEND MOST OF THE TIME OFF SCREEN, CHUGGING WINE,
GOING, "YEAH SO, THE RECLINER CAME. THAT'S GREAT."
ALSO, YOU CAN'T TELL BECAUSE HE'S WEARING A MASK, BUT THAT'S ACTUALLY RUDY GIULIANI
I'M JUST KIDDING RUDY COULD WEAR A HUNDRED MASKS AND YOU'D BE ABLE TO TELL IT WAS
HIM, YOU KNOW, CAUSE HE'S THE ONLY ONE LEAKING SERIOUSLY, IT'S HARD TO DESCRIBE
JUST HOW PATHETIC THIS IS. TRUMP'S BEGGING THEM TO OVERTURN THE RESULTS OF AN ELECTION, BUT
JUST LAZILY CALLING IN ON A SPEAKERPHONE USUALLY, HE AT LEAST WANDERS OUT
TO THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN TO BARK AT REPORTERS LIKE AN AUCTIONEER DRUNK ON COUGH SYRUP
BUT AFTER HE LOST THE ELECTION, REPORTERS HADN'T SEEN TRUMP IN WHAT FELT LIKE A RECORD AMOUNT
OF TIME.
PRESIDENT ON THIS. WE HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM AT
ALL. HE HASN'T TAKEN OUR QUESTIONS IN OVER TWO WEEKS
Seth: AND WHILE IT DIDN'T SOLVE ANY OF THE PROBLEMS THAT ARE ENGRAINED IN OUR SOCIETY, IT
WAS SUCH A RELIEF NOT TO HEAR HIS VOICE. FOR A MOMENT THERE, THE WHOLE
COUNTRY FELT LIKE THAT MOMENT WHEN THE GUY JACKHAMMERING OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT ALL
MORNING LONG FINALLY TAKES A COFFEE BREAK YOU CAN HEAR THE BIRDS AGAIN
CAUSE YOU CAN MUTE TRUMP ON TWITTER, BUT YOU CAN'T AVOID EVERY SCREEN ON EARTH.
EVEN WITH THE SOUND OFF, WATCHING TRUMP WAS STRESSFUL IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU SEE TWO CAB
DRIVERS PULLED OVER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD DOING THIS. EVEN WITHOUT WORDS, YOU KNOW
THEY'RE NOT INVITING EACH OTHER OVER FOR THANKSGIVING. "YOU BRING THE YAMS, ASS
[ BLEEP ]! "AND YOU BRING THE STUFFING, MORON!
"I'LL SEE YOU ON THURSDAY. NOW [ BLEEP ] OFF! BUT TWO WEEKS, TWO WEEKS FOR A
MAN WHO CLEARLY LOVES TALKING TO CAMERAS. I MEAN, WHAT'S GOING ON?
I'M GUESSING SOMEONE HAS TO CRACK OPEN HIS BEDROOM DOOR EVERY DAY AT 2:00 IN THE
AFTERNOON AND SAY TO A LUMP OF BLANKETS, "MR. PRESIDENT, MR. PRESIDENT, DO YOU WANT TO
TALK TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE TODAY? "NO.
"WE THINK IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA." "IS COVID CURED?
"NO, NO, NOT YET." "DID WE WIN MICHIGAN?" "NO, WE LOST IT AGAIN TODAY.
"YEAH. MAYBE WE'LL WIN IT TOMORROW. HEY, CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?"
"SURE, MR. PRESIDENT." "IS RUDY A BAD LAWYER? "YEAH, YEAH, WE THINK SO."
"YEAH, I THINK SO, TOO." BUT THEN YESTERDAY, THE DOW CLIMBED OVER 30 THOUSAND FOR THE
FIRST TIME EVER, WHICH WAS ENOUGH FOR TRUMP TO THROW OFF THE DUVET, PULL ON SOME PANTS
AND GIVE A WEIRD AND TOTALLY UNPROMPTED PRESS CONFERENCE THAT SEEMED TO BE ABOUT NOTHING IN
PARTICULAR AND LASTED ALMOST EXACTLY ONE MINUTE
I JUST WANT TO CONGRATULATE
EVERYBODY. THE STOCK MARKET, DOW JONES INDUSTRIAL AVERAGE JUST HIT
30 THOUSAND, WHICH IS THE HIGHEST IN HISTORY WE'VE NEVER BROKEN 30 THOUSAND
NEVER BEEN BROKEN, THAT NUMBER THAT'S A SACRED NUMBER, 30 THOUSAND.
NOBODY THOUGHT THEY'D EVER SEE IT AND I JUST WANT TO CONGRATULATE
ALL THE PEOPLE WITHIN THE ADMINISTRATION THAT WORK SO HARD
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, I WANT TO CONGRATULATE THE PEOPLE OF OUR COUNTRY, BECAUSE THERE ARE NO
PEOPLE LIKE YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYBODY THANK YOU.
Seth: LOOK, I KNOW IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER AND WILL BE FORGOTTEN IMMEDIATELY, BUT
NOTHING HAMMERS HOME THE ALTAR DONALD TRUMP PRAYS TO MORE THAN HIM REFERRING TO THE DOW HITTING
30 THOUSAND AS A SACRED NUMBER "IN FACT, IT REMINDS ME OF MY FAVORITE HYMN --
* MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY * STILL, IT WAS SO STRANGE TO SEE
A GUY THAT LONG-WINDED AND SELF-OBSESSED KEEP HIS COMMENTS THAT BRIEF
THAT WOULD BE LIKE TURNING TO YOUR UNCLE AT THANKSGIVING AND SAYING, "PAUL, DO YOU HAVE
ANYTHING TO ADD ABOUT PAPER STRAWS OR GENDER PRONOUNS? AND PAUL SAYS, "I'D ONLY LIKE TO
SAY, THIS TURKEY IS THE BOMB," AND THEN YOU ALL SAY THANKS FOR THE FACT THAT UNCLE PAUL FINALLY
DISCOVERED CBD GUMMIES TRUMP JUST WANDERED IN, RAMBLED FOR A MINUTE ABOUT RANDOM STUFF
THAT'S JUST IN THE NEWS, CONGRATULATED THE AMERICAN PEOPLE FOR SOMETHING, AND THEN
LEFT I GUESS THAT WAS HIS ON TO CINCINNATI MOMENT.
TRUMP'S GOING TO START WANDERING AROUND THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN IN A SLEEVELESS HOODIE.
BUT I GUESS THAT'S THE CLOSEST WE'RE GOING TO GET, NOT A CONCESSION, BUT A CESSATION OF
WHINING. THE GENERAL SERVICES ADMINISTRATION HAS FINALLY
ALLOWED THE TRANSITION TO MOVE FORWARD, AND THE WHITE HOUSE HAS FINALLY ALLOWED BIDEN TO START
RECEIVING THE PRESIDENTIAL DAILY BRIEF. IT REALLY FEELS LIKE, IN HIS
ENLARGED HEART, TRUMP KNOWS THIS IS OVER, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE'LL STOP CLAIMING IT WAS
RIGGED AND STOLEN FROM HIM HIM AND HIS ALLIES, THEY'RE TRYING TO CREATE A MYTHOLOGY FOR
THEIR SUPPORTERS, AN ELECTION TRUTHERISM THAT WILL ANIMATE THEIR BASE AND BECOME CANON ON
FOX NEWS AND IN THE RIGHT-WING CINEMATIC UNIVERSE FOR YEARS TO COME
FOR EXAMPLE, AN ARIZONA CONGRESSMAN NAMED PAUL GOSAR TWEETED THIS WEEK, "THE AMERICA
FIRST AGENDA IS JUST IN ITS INFANCY. THERE ARE 75 MILLION OF US
ALSO, DID YOU KNOW SOME JAPANESE SOLDIERS KEPT FIGHTING FOR DECADES AFTER THE WAR?
OH, AND I GUESS THEY EVENTUALLY WON? AND THAT'S WHY WE ALL SPEAK
JAPANESE AND HAVE BEAUTIFUL GARDENS? COOL TRIVIA, THOUGH.
IS YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER THE KID FROM "JERRY MAGUIRE" THERE ARE 75 MILLION OF US
ALSO, DID YOU KNOW THE HUMAN HEAD WEIGHS EIGHT POUNDS INCIDENTALLY, THAT'S THE GUY,
GOSAR, WHOSE SIBLINGS APPEARED IN A CAMPAIGN AD FOR HIS DEMOCRATIC OPPONENT, NOT JUST
ONE OR TWO OF THEM, SIX OF HIS SIBLINGS THAT'S LIKE IF MY WHOLE FAMILY
WENT ON JAMES CORDEN'S THANKSGIVING SHOW, WHICH IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, DAD
YOU HAVE A CONTRACT. THAT'S RIGHT, SIX OF GOSAR'S SIBLINGS SAID TO VOTE FOR HIS
OPPONENT IF THAT HAPPENED TO ME, NOT ONLY WOULD I GET OUT OF POLITICS, I
WOULD GET OUT OF THE COUNTRY, I'D MOVE TO SOME SMALL ISLAND WHERE NO ONE HAS TELEVISIONS, OR
ELECTRICITY, OR HAS EVER HEARD OF ME. AND EVEN THEN, I'D PROBABLY END
UP GETTING KILLED BY A 107-YEAR-OLD JAPANESE SOLDIER WHO DIDN'T KNOW THE WAR WAS
OVER THIS IS BASICALLY THE SAME SCAM TRUMP AND HIS GANG OF RACIST
LIARS PULLED WITH BIRTHERISM FOR EXAMPLE, TRUMP KEEPS PROMISING THAT THIS SCOOBY-DOO
VILLAIN REUNION IS TURNING UP EVIDENCE THAT WILL PROVE THE ELECTION WAS RIGGED.
"MASSIVE VOTER FRAUD WILL BE SHOWN. "BIG VOTER FRAUD INFORMATION
COMING OUT CONCERNING GEORGIA. STAY TUNED." WHY IS JOE BIDEN SO QUICKLY
FORMING A CABINET WHEN MY INVESTIGATORS HAVE FOUND HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF
FRAUDULENT VOTES, ENOUGH TO FLIP AT LEAST FOUR STATES OUR BIG LAWSUIT, WHICH SPELLS
OUT IN GREAT DETAIL ALL OF THE BALLOT FRAUD AND MORE, WILL SOON BE FILED
RIGGED ELECTION. Seth: WAIT, YOUR BIG LAWSUIT HASN'T BEEN FILED YET?
THEN WHAT WERE ALL THOSE OTHER LAWSUITS, PRACTICE "JUST WORKING OUT THE KINKS.
NOW REMIND ME, WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING TO, THE GUY IN THE ROBE OR THE GUY IN THE HALLWAY
WITH THE MOP"? GENERALLY SPEAKING, IF YOU'RE ALLEGING A MASSIVE,
UNPRECEDENTED, COORDINATED PLAN TO RIG A NATIONAL ELECTION AND YOU HAVE THE EVIDENCE TO PROVE
IT, YOU DON'T FILE A BUNCH OF FAKE LAWSUITS AND THEN WAIT THREE WEEKS TO FILE YOUR BIG
ONE. HE'S TREATING COURT CASES THE WAY FRED SANFORD TREATED HEART
ATTACKS. FOR THE KIDS YOU THROW IN ONE JOKE FOR THE
KIDS ALSO, AS YOU HEARD THERE, TRUMP CLAIMED HIS, QUOTE,
INVESTIGATORS, HAVE FOUND HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF FRAUDULENT VOTES AND THAT HE
WILL SOON BE PRESENTING THAT INFORMATION TO THE WORLD, WHICH IS EXACTLY THE SAME LIE HE USED
FOR YEARS DURING HIS RACIST BIRTHER CRUSADE.
HE MAY NOT HAVE BEEN BORN IN
THIS COUNTRY, AND I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, THREE WEEKS AGO, I THOUGHT HE WAS BORN IN THIS COUNTRY.
RIGHT NOW, I HAVE SOME REAL DOUBTS I HAVE PEOPLE THAT ACTUALLY HAVE
BEEN STUDYING IT, AND THEY CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT THEY'RE FINDING.
YOU HAVE PEOPLE NOW DOWN THERE SEARCHING, I MEAN, IN HAWAII
ABSOLUTELY. AND THEY CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT THEY'RE FINDING.
OF COURSE, THE LEAST BELIEVABLE PART IS THAT TRUMP WOULD PAY FOR ANYONE TO FLY TO
HAWAII AND IF HE DID, I BET THERE WERE A TON OF CONNECTIONS ON THAT
ITINERARY. "OKAY, I NEED YOU GET TO HAWAII ASAP
NO, YOU'LL BE TAKING A SOUTHWEST FLIGHT TO BALTIMORE OUT OF ISLIP, FROM THERE IT'S A BUS TO
DULLES AND THIS IS IMPORTANT, ON THAT NEXT FLIGHT, ONE OF YOU HAS TO
PRETEND TO BE UNDER TWO. I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU'RE THE INVESTIGATORS
DON'T YOU HAVE DISGUISES?" TRUMP'S ELECTION TRUTHERISM IS VERY MUCH LIKE HIS BIRTHERISM,
AN INSANE CONSPIRACY THEORY THAT'S ALSO A SCAM TO ANIMATE HIS BASE
ONE OF TRUMP'S SORT OF LAWYERS, SIDNEY POWELL, IS STILL CLAIMING THE LATE VENEZUELAN PRESIDENT
HUGO CHAVEZ TEAMED UP WITH THE CIA, THE REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR OF GEORGIA AND A VOTING SOFTWARE
COMPANY TO STEAL THE ELECTION AS PART OF A VAST PLOT TO SPREAD COMMUNISM ACROSS THE WORLD
WHAT WE ARE REALLY DEALING WITH HERE AND UNCOVERING MORE BY THE DAY IS THE MASSIVE INFLUENCE
OF COMMUNIST MONEY THROUGH VENEZUELA, CUBA, AND LIKELY, CHINA, IN THE INTERFERENCE WITH
OUR ELECTIONS HERE IN THE UNITED STATES. GEORGIA'S PROBABLY GOING TO
BE THE FIRST STATE I'M GOING TO BLOW UP, AND MR. KEMP AND THE SECRETARY OF STATE NEED TO GO
WITH IT, BECAUSE THEY'RE IN ON THE DOMINION SCAM. HOPEFULLY, THIS WEEK, WE WILL
GET IT READY TO FILE SIDNEY, WHAT'S -- AND IT WILL BE BIBLICAL
Seth: OF COURSE, IT'S ONLY BIBLICAL IF THE NUMBER OF VOTES PASSES THE SACRED NUMBER
OF 30 THOUSAND THIS IS AN IDEA SO PSYCHOTIC, EVEN FOX NEWS WOULDN'T TAKE IT
SERIOUSLY, DESPITE THE FACT THAT BY THEIR OWN ADMISSION, THEY WERE EAGER TO BELIEVE IT
WE INVITED SIDNEY POWELL ON THIS SHOW. WE WOULD HAVE GIVEN HER THE
WHOLE HOUR WE WOULD HAVE GIVEN HER THE ENTIRE WEEK, ACTUALLY, AND
LISTENED QUIETLY THE WHOLE TIME AT RAPT ATTENTION. THAT'S A BIG STORY, BUT SHE
NEVER SENT US ANY EVIDENCE, DESPITE A LOT OF REQUESTS, POLITE REQUESTS.
NOT A PAGE WHEN WE KEPT PRESSING, SHE GOT ANGRY AND TOLD US TO STOP
CONTACTING HER Seth: I'M GUESSING THAT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME SIDNEY POWELL HAS
TOLD SOMEONE TO STOP CONTACTING HER. "I DON'T HAVE ANY DALMATIANS,
CERTAINLY NOT 101 OF THEM. NOW STOP CONTACTING ME." ALSO, THINK ABOUT HOW NUTS THIS
SCHEME IS FOR IT TO BE TOO CRAZY FOR TUCKER CARLSON, THE GUY WHO, JUST LIKE THREE WEEKS AGO,
CALLED JOE BIDEN A HOLOGRAM. TURNS OUT, HE'S NOT, WHICH IS A BUMMER, BECAUSE I WAS REALLY
LOOKING FORWARD TO HIS APPEARANCE WITH THE TUPAC HOLOGRAM AT NEXT YEAR'S
COACHELLA. BUT EVEN AFTER TUCKER WENT ON HIS OWN SHOW AND SAID TRUMP'S
LAWYERS COULDN'T PROVIDE A SHRED OF PROOF FOR THEIR UNHINGED CONSPIRACY THEORY, FOX NEWS HAS
CONTINUED REPEATING VAGUE INSINUATIONS THAT THE ELECTION WAS SOMEHOW RIGGED, EVEN WHEN
THEY ADMIT THAT JOE BIDEN WON AND WILL BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT LEGAL CHALLENGES CONTINUE IN
A NUMBER OF STATES SERIOUS QUESTIONS ABOUT VOTE COUNTING, POLL WATCHER ACCESS
ARE OUTSTANDING. BUT UNLESS THE LEGAL SITUATION CHANGES IN A DRAMATIC, AND
FRANKLY, AN UNLIKELY MANNER, JOE BIDEN WILL BE INAUGURATED ON JANUARY 20th
NOW, TO SAY THIS DOES NOT MEAN I DON'T THINK THAT THIS ELECTION WAS RIFE WITH PROBLEMS AND
POTENTIAL FRAUD. I THINK WHENEVER YOU LOOK AT THIS ELECTION, IT'S BECOME VERY
CLEAR TO PEOPLE THAT SOMETHING IS VERY, VERY WRONG HERE PEOPLE FEEL LIKE SOMETHING IS
REALLY OFF WITH THIS ELECTION. WE ARE FAR FROM DONE WITH THIS ELECTION
THE 2020 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION WAS NOT FAIR. NO HONEST PERSON WOULD CLAIM
THAT IT WAS FAIR Seth: BUT TUCKER, YOU, YOURSELF, TRIED TO GET THE
EVIDENCE THAT IT WAS RIGGED, AND THE PERSON CLAIMING TO HAVE THE EVIDENCE WOULDN'T GIVE IT TO
YOU. ALL YOU DID WAS ASK HER FOR PROOF AND BEG HER TO COME ON
YOUR SHOW, AND SHE BASICALLY FILED A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST YOU.
SIDNEY POWELL TREATED TUCKER CARLSON THE WAY YOU TREAT AN EX.
KEEPS TRYING TO CONTACT YOU THROUGH YOUR FRIENDS "STOP TEXTING BECKA AND JENNY
ABOUT MY NEW BOYFRIEND AND STOP ASKING ME FOR EVIDENCE OF VOTER FRAUD.
THE COGNITIVE DISSONANCE THESE PEOPLE ARE CAPABLE OF IS TRULY ASTONISHING.
THEY'RE LIKE SCIENTOLOGISTS. I'VE ELIMINATED ALL SUPPRESSIVE PERSONS FROM MY LIFE
"BUT IF YOU'RE SUPPRESSING PEOPLE FROM YOUR LIFE, DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU A SUPPRESSIVE
PERSON?" "WOW, YOU'RE BEING A REAL SUPPRESSIVE PERSON RIGHT NOW."
BUT THIS IS WHAT THEY WANT THEY DON'T ACTUALLY WANT REAL PROOF BECAUSE IT DOESN'T EXIST,
JUST LIKE TRUMP DIDN'T ACTUALLY WANT REAL PROOF THAT BARACK OBAMA'S BIRTH CERTIFICATE
WAS FRAUD, BECAUSE IT OBVIOUSLY WASN'T THEY WANT TO MANUFACTURE AN
INSANE CONSPIRACY THEORY AND A VIRULENT STRAIN OF ELECTION TRUTHERISM THAT WILL EXIST ON
FOX NEWS AND IN RIGHT-WING FACEBOOK GROUPS FOR YEARS TO COME SO THEY CAN GALVANIZE THEIR
BASE BY CLAIMING THE ELECTION WAS STOLEN FROM THEM, AND THAT IN THEIR UNHINGED WORLD VIEW IS
ACTUALLY TRUMP, WHO WON 270 ELECTORAL VOTES, WHICH IS, OF COURSE -
THE SACRED NUMBER Seth: THIS HAS BEEN "A CLOSER LOOK."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOHN OLIVER! *
*
HI, BUDDY Seth: HEY, BABY BROTHER
YOU KNOW, I'M SO SAD WE CAN'T BE TOGETHER FOR THE HOLIDAYS THIS YEAR
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I'M RIGHT THERE. Seth: OH!
WHAT'S HAPPENING IT'S OKAY IT'S HEINEKEN'S BESTIE GIFT
EVER Seth: WHAT'S THAT IT'S A WAY TO SEND YOUR BEST
FRIENDS THE BEST GIFT EVER, YOURSELF, AND A SIX-PACK OF HEINEKEN
Seth: THAT'S FANTASTIC, BUT WAIT, YOU GET THE SIX-PACK YOURS IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU
Seth: OH! STOP DOING THAT! I JUST SENT THEM.
YOUR CREW MUST HAVE SET THEM UP LIKE THAT. Seth: WELL, I DON'T CARE WHO
SET THEM UP. I JUST WANT IT TO STOP OKAY, RELAX
HAVE A HEINEKEN. Seth: YOU KNOW WHAT, I SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED BY THIS
ANYMORE, BUT YOU REALLY DO HAVE SOME FESTIVE CLOTHES THOSE AREN'T MINE
YOU JUST ADD THOSE WITH FILTERS. Seth: FILTERS I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WELL, THAT'S CAUSE YOU'RE OLD. IT'S EASY.
JUST GO TO BESTIEGIFTEVER.COM. Seth: YEAH? THEY'RE ACTUALLY PRETTY GREAT.
NOW I'LL ALWAYS BE WITH YOU Seth: HEY, YOU'RE ALWAYS IN HERE
I KNOW. CHEERS Seth: CHEERS!
I DON'T HAVE TO SHARE THIS WITH THESE GUYS, DO I NO, SETH.
THEY'RE CARDBOARD. Seth: OH. YEAH.
* Seth: WE ARE SO GLAD TO HAVE FRED ARMISEN LEADING THE
8G BAND. I HOPE YOU'RE ALL WATCHING "MOONBASE 8" ON SUNDAYS ON
SHOWTIME FRED, PLEASE GIVE ME A WAVE IF YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT
THANKSGIVING AND GIVE ME ANOTHER WAVE IF YOU THINK COVID IS A HOAX!
[ LAUGHTER ] AW, FRED, BUDDY. FOLLOW THE SCIENCE
OUR FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS THE EMMY AND PEABODY-WINNING HOST OF HBO'S "LAST WEEK TONIGHT."
YOU CAN STREAM THE SEVENTH SEASON - IT'S SEVENTH SEASON ON HBO
JOHN, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU THE CUE CARD WALLY WROTE HE WROTE "SEASON" TWICE.
ON HBO MAX PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW, OUR FRIEND, JOHN OLIVER.
HELLO, THERE. Seth: GIVE ME THAT CARD, WALLY.
JOHN HEARD THAT AND I WANT HIM TO SEE I WANT TO SEE THE CARD.
Seth: NOW, AGAIN, I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN NOT TO SAY "SEASON" TWICE, BUT I DO WANT YOU TO SEE.
SURE. SURE, BUT YOU WENT FULL RON BURGUNDY, AND YOU JUST --
THE ONLY THING YOU'RE GUILTY OF IS TRUSTING WALLY TOO MUCH [ LAUGHTER ]
Seth: IT'S TRUE AND ON THAT POINT, YOU ARE GUILTY OF MURDER
[ LAUGHTER ] Seth: HOW ARE YOU, MY FRIEND? YOU KNOW, ALL RIGHT
Seth: YOU'RE IN, AGAIN -- I'VE TALKED ABOUT HOW JEALOUS I AM THAT YOU CRACKED EARLY ON -
YES Seth: TO SHOOT YOUR SHOW IN A VOID
THAT'S RIGHT. Seth: AND THEN WE ALL CAME BACK AND YOU STAYED IN THE VOID.
YOU LOVE THE VOID. I LOVE IT I LOVE THE EMOTIONAL ANTISEPTIC
ATMOSPHERE THAT THIS VOID PROVIDES IT ALSO LETS NOTHING IN.
NOTHING -- NOTHING FROM MY LIFE. IT'S JUST A COMPLETELY STERILE ENVIRONMENT.
Seth: YOU DID HAVE A FANTASTIC SEASON FINALE. YOU BLEW UP 2016, FOUR YEARS
AGO. YES YES.
Seth: AND THEN THIS YEAR, YOU BLEW UP 2020, WHICH, ARGUABLY, DESERVED IT MORE
YES Seth: WHICH IS HARD TO BELIEVE.
WHICH IS WHY WE WENT WITH A SIGNIFICANTLY BIGGER EXPLOSION Seth: AND HOW DOES IT GO --
HOW DOES IT COME ABOUT WHEN YOU WERE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO HAVE A BIGGER EXPLOSION?
WELL, IT WAS -- LITERALLY, IT WAS JUST ASKING EXPLOSIVES EXPERTS, SAYING, "HOW WOULD YOU
MAKE THIS BIGGER?" AND THEY WOULD KIND OF GO, "HMM, I DON'T KNOW, I GUESS A LOT OF
GASOLINE." I THINK THAT MAKES SENSE [ LAUGHTER ]
I'M NOT EVEN SURE YOU NEEDED TO BE AN EXPERT TO SAY, "JUST MORE GASOLINE," AND THAT'S BASICALLY
IT THAT'S HOW EXPLOSIONS WORK Seth: AND YOU -
BUT YES, WE WENT AND DID THAT IN A QUARRY IN NEW YORK, AND IT WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING
IT WAS AN UTTERLY STAGGERING - I WAS A LITTLE BIT COCKY, HAVING DONE IT FOUR YEARS AGO
I'D SAID TO THE GUY, HE SAID, "LOOK, THIS IS GOING TO BE REALLY BIG AND IT'S GOING TO BE
LOUD." AND I SAID, "YEAH, YOU SAID THAT FOUR YEARS AGO AND IT WASN'T
THAT BAD." AND HE LOOKED AT ME WITH TOTAL CONTEMPT AND SAID, "YEAH, THIS
AIN'T FOUR YEARS AGO." [ LAUGHTER ] SO, THAT HAPPENED, AND HE SAID,
TO HIS CREDIT, HE SAID, "LOOK, THIS IS GOING TO -- IT'S GOING TO FEEL VERY HOT AND THEN FOR
ABOUT A SECOND AND A HALF, YOU'RE GOING TO FEEL LIKE YOU'RE ON FIRE.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND HE WAS RIGHT ABOUT THAT. AND THAT SECOND AND A HALF FELT
LONG BECAUSE YOU GET TO A SECOND, YOU THINK, "THIS DEFINITELY FEELS --
I DON'T HAVE A POINT OF REFERENCE, BUT THIS, I FEEL PRETTY ON FUEGO RIGHT NOW.
AND THEN THEY WERE ALL REALLY, REALLY IMPRESSED THAT I DIDN'T FLINCH, TO THE POINT THAT THEY
WERE SO SURPRISED, IT BECAME ACTIVELY HURTFUL JUST ONE AFTER ONE, "I CAN'T
BELIEVE IT I CAN'T BELIEVE -- NOT EVEN -- THEY EVEN WENT TO
THE MONITOR AFTERWARDS, SAYING, "LOOK! THEY'RE GATHERED AROUND, "LOOK,
HE DIDN'T! LOOK, HE DIDN'T! AS IF --
AND I GUESS WHEN YOU PRESENT AS A COWARD SO MUCH, IT LEAVES YOU WITH A LOT OF UPSIDE FOR
COURAGE, BECAUSE PEOPLE EXPECT SO LITTLE. [ LAUGHTER ]
THEY WERE ALL ON THE - "I EXPECTED YOU TO JUST CURL UP, LIKE, IN A FETAL POSITION.
YOU DIDN'T CRY ONCE! [ LAUGHTER ] LIKE THE CHILD WE ANTICIPATE
THAT YOU ARE INSIDE. Seth: YOU KNOW, I WAS VERY IMPRESSED AS WELL, KNOWING YOU
WERE PHYSICALLY THERE, I WAS VERY IMPRESSED YEP
IT WAS LOUD. I WAS VERY BRAVE Seth: I THINK THAT --
I DESERVED A LOLLIPOP AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET ONE. [ LAUGHTER ]
Seth: I MIGHT HAVE -- I MIGHT HAVE GONE FETAL, AND I'M EMBARRASSED TO SAY IT, IF -- IF
WE WERE ABOUT TO EMBARK ON FOUR MORE YEARS OF COVERING A TRUMP PRESIDENCY
YES Seth: AND WE TEXTED A LITTLE BIT.
YES Seth: YOU ACTUALLY GOT TO BE THE FIRST SHOW POST THE ELECTION
CALL, WHICH WAS ON A SATURDAY. YEAH. Seth: AND YOU GOT TO GOT DO
THAT SHOW -- WHEN WE WERE TEXTING, I WAS ABOUT TO GO AND DO REHEARSAL
AND YEAH, YOU SAID TO ME SOMETHING LIKE, "I HONESTLY HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT I'D
DO IF HE WON." AND I HAD NOT -- UNTIL YOU SENT THAT TEXT, I HADN'T THOUGHT
ABOUT IT EITHER. AND IT REALLY WAS -- THERE IS NO MORE JOYFUL FEELING THAN THE
SOUND OF A BULLET WHIZZING PAST YOUR EAR, IS THERE [ LAUGHTER ]
Seth: HOW WAS IT? WAS IT - EVERYTHING SMELLS BETTER,
FOOD TASTES BETTER, YEAH Seth: WE'VE TALKED IN THE PAST ABOUT HOW PEOPLE WILL SAY,
"OH MY GOD, THE TRUMP ERA, THE COMEDY WRITES ITSELF," WHICH - MM-HMM.
Seth: NEITHER YOU OR I WOULD -- THEY DO [ BLEEP ] SAY THAT,
DON'T THEY, SETH [ LAUGHTER ] Seth: THEY STILL SAY
[ BLEEP ]. THEY DO SAY THAT. THEY DO SAY THAT
AND YOU KNOW, IF THEY WERE TRYING TO HURT YOU, IT WOULDN'T MATTER AS MUCH
THEN YOU WOULD INTERNALIZE, SAY, "OH, YOU WANT TO BE ME YOU SAID SOMETHING YOU KNOW
DISTRESSES ME. CONGRATULATIONS. IT'S THE GENUINE QUESTION THAT
PISSES ME OFF FAR, FAR MORE, AND YOU KNOW IT'S COMING A LOT NOW Seth: WELL, YOU DO SEEM
WELL-EQUIPPED FOR THE NEXT ERA, BECAUSE -- AND I MEAN THIS SINCERELY.
YOU'VE DONE SUCH A GOOD JOB OF FINDING INSANELY DEPRESSING THINGS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO
WITH DONALD TRUMP OVER THE YEARS. YEAH.
THERE'S SO MANY OF THEM. Seth: AND THERE'S STILL PLENTY OF THAT
THERE ARE SO MANY GIGANTIC, SYSTEMIC PROBLEMS THAT I CANNOT -- WE HAD, GENUINELY ONE
OF THE HAPPIEST MOMENTS I'VE HAD THIS YEAR HAS BEEN THE END OF LAST WEEK.
WE WERE TALKING TO RESEARCH AND WE WERE GOING THROUGH STORIES FOR THE UPCOMING YEAR, AND THERE
WAS SUCH A SMORGASBORD OF HUMAN MISERY, JUST A BUNCH OF SUBJECTS THAT NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND
WOULD TRY AND MAKE COMEDY OUT OF AND I JUST FELT GREAT THINKING,
"THIS IS, THIS IS -- LOOK AT WHAT WE'RE GOING TO BE ABLE TO --"
IT'S -- I THINK THAT'S WHY IT FEEDS INTO HOW FRUSTRATING IT IS WHEN PEOPLE SAY, THIS MUST HAVE
BEEN FUN, WRITING FOR TRUMP. CAUSE IT'S BASICALLY LIKE SAYING TO THE RESIDENTS OF ELM STREET,
"YOU'RE GOING TO MISS FREDDY KRUEGER, AREN'T YOU WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DREAM
ABOUT NOW? I DON'T KNOW, ANYTHING ELSE! [ LAUGHTER ]
LITERALLY, MY IMAGINATION CAN RUN THE GAMUT OF HUMAN EXPERIENCE
NO, I'M NOT GOING TO MISS FREDDY, YOU [ BLEEP ] ASS [ BLEEP ]!
Seth: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE FROM JOHN OLIVER *
Seth: WELCOME BACK TO "LATE NIGHT. WE'RE HERE WITH JOHN OLIVER.
JOHN, I'VE ALWAYS APPRECIATED OVER THE YEARS THAT IF YOU TEXT ME ABOUT SOMETHING WE'VE DONE ON
THE SHOW, IT IS SOMETHING THAT NO ONE ELSE HAS LIKED OR COMMENTED ON
I FELT THAT WAY ABOUT YOUR LONG-RUNNING ADAM DRIVER BIT THAT CAME TO A WONDERFUL
CONCLUSION WITH ADAM DRIVER. YEAH. YES.
Seth: CAN YOU JUST TALK US FROM THE BEGINNING OF IT, THE SEEDS OF WHERE IT STARTED TO THE
CONCLUSION OF GETTING THE REAL ADAM DRIVER? YEAH, THE SEED, THE INITIAL
SEED WAS, YOU KNOW, ONE OF OUR WRITERS WRITING A VERY WEIRD JOKE OUT OF ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE
AND THEN THE WATER ON THAT SEED WAS, BACK WHEN WE HAD AN AUDIENCE IN MARCH, FEELING REAL
RESISTANCE FROM THE AUDIENCE AT THE JOKE IT FELT LIKE THEY ABOUT 40%
ENJOYED IT AND IT LOGGED IN MY HEAD - OH, LET'S TRY AND DO THIS AGAIN.
SO WE DID IT AS A CALLBACK A FEW WEEKS LATER. AND THEY WEREN'T REALLY HAPPY TO
HAVE IT BACK AND SO, AT THAT POINT, IT BECAME SOMETHING OF AN OBSESSION IN OUR
STAFF. AND A FEW MONTHS INTO THE BIT, WE KIND OF -- WE BROKE IT.
ONE OF THE WRITERS HAD WRITTEN SOMETHING KIND OF SAYING, "I DON'T KNOW IF HE EVEN --
HE DOESN'T SEEM LIKE HE COULD ENJOY THIS ONE." IT COULD BE OVER
THAT WAS AS MUCH OF A RIBBON AS IT FELT WE COULD PUT ON IT SO AT THAT POINT, WE REACHED OUT
TO HIM AND SAID, "I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW WHAT WE'VE BEEN DOING.
THERE'S NO EASY WAY INTO THIS CONVERSATION WE'VE BEEN MAKING SOME COMMENTS
ABOUT YOU, AND WOULD YOU HYPOTHETICALLY BE INTERESTED IN RESPONDING TOWARDS THE END OF
THE YEAR?" AND THE MESSAGE CAME BACK FROM HIM SAYING, HE HAS HEARD ABOUT
IT, HE THINKS IT VERY STRANGE, AND HE'S IN. SO, I THOUGHT, "OH, GREAT.
SO, WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WE WERE GOING TO DO, BUT AT LEAST WE KNEW AT THAT POINT THAT WE HAD
AN END IN SIGHT. AND YEAH, AS IT TURNED OUT, WHAT THE END IN SIGHT WAS, WAS HIM
CALLING INTO THE SHOW AND EXPLAINING THE WAYS IN WHICH HE WAS GOING TO DEMOLISH ME
Seth: IT WAS ALSO -- WATCHING IT IS A REAL REMINDER THAT ADAM DRIVER IS A TERRIFIC ACTOR.
UNBELIEVABLY GOOD I COULDN'T SEE HIM I WAS DOING IT --- I COULD ONLY
HEAR HIM, AND IT WASN'T UNTIL I WATCHED IT BACK, YOU THINK, OH, [ BLEEP ].
[ LAUGHTER ] LOOK AT HIM! LOOK AT HIM DOING ACTING, AS I'M
GIVING HIM NOTHING BACK. LIKE, HE'S LITERALLY PERFORMING IN FRONT OF A TENNIS BALL.
THAT'S THE EQUIVALENT OF WHAT HE'S GETTING BACK FROM ME. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND HE'S DOING SUCH GOOD ACTING. Seth: YEAH. AND AT A POINT WHERE IT
REALLY WAS NOT REQUIRED, BUT HE WAS REALLY -- HE WAS REALLY FLEXING MUSCLES.
HE WAS - Seth: YEAH. IT WAS A CASE -- AND I SAY THIS
AS A FAN OF YOURS. WHEN YOU GUYS WERE ON THE SPLIT SCREEN, IT WAS VERY HARD TO
IMAGINE ANYONE WAS WATCHING YOU. [ LAUGHTER ] I CAN'T BE 100% CONFIDENT IT
WAS THERE. IT WAS -- EVERY PART OF THAT JUXTAPOSITION IS [ BLEEP ]
BRUTAL Seth: YEAH. ACTING ABILITY, PHYSICALLY.
LET'S NOT LIE. PUT THOSE TWO THINGS TOGETHER AND IT BARELY SEEMS LIKE THE
SAME SPECIES, BARELY Seth: YOU'VE COME HERE BEFORE
YOU WERE ON THE SHOW BEFORE THANKSGIVING IN THE PAST YES
Seth: AND UNFORTUNATELY, YOU CAN'T BE HERE LIVE, SO YOU MISSED GETTING TO SEE THE TREE
I KNOW HOW YOU LOVE STUFF LIKE TREES. YEAH, I LOVE IT
Seth: HOLIDAY TREES ONE OF THE THINGS I LIKE THE MOST, ACTUALLY, IS THAT -- ARE
YOU STILL BEING TORTURED BY THAT CHRISTMAS MUSIC, ROUND AND ROUND AT 30 ROCK
IS THAT STILL GOING? Seth: NO, BECAUSE THAT WAS FOR THE ICE SKATING RINK
SO WE'RE ACTUALLY, IT'S NOT -- THAT'S A SHAME. Seth: IT'S VERY UN --
I ALWAYS ENJOYED THE KIND OF -- THE MUFFLED KILLING SPREE MUSIC OUTSIDE OF YOUR OFFICE FOR
BASICALLY 3 1/2 WEEKS. Seth: THE TREE GOT OFF TO A BAD START.
YES Seth: I'M SURE YOU SAW THIS PHOTO.
WHEN IT WENT UP, IT WAS AS THOUGH THEY ASKED FOR, LIKE, A DISCOUNT TREE CAUSE NO ONE WAS
COMING THIS YEAR IT LOOKS BETTER NOW, BUT I KIND OF WISH -- DON'T YOU WISH IT WAS
THAT IT'S A HUGE MISTAKE THEY SHOULD HAVE LEFT IT LIKE
THAT I WAS SO HAPPY WHEN THEY UNVEILED IT AND IT JUST STARTED
WILTING AND STUFF FELL OFF, I THOUGHT, "YES, THAT'S RIGHT. IS IT THE TREE WE WANT
NO IS IT THE TREE WE DESERVE? ABSOLUTELY
EMPHATICALLY, YES, IT IS THEY SHOULD HAVE JUST HUNG ONE STRING WITH, LIKE, LIGHTS
BROKEN - Seth: YEAH. BROKEN ACROSS IT.
Seth: OR PUT IT RIGHT AGAINST 30 ROCK AND, LIKE, TURNED IT AROUND SO YOU COULDN'T SEE THE
[ BLEEP ] SIDE OR JUST LENT IT ON THE GROUND AND PUT A GIANT GARBAGE BAG HALF
AROUND IT. [ LAUGHTER ] THAT'S -
THAT -- I JUST THINK THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A MORE FUN TREE FOR -- NO ONE WANTS A GOOD TREE RIGHT
NOW, DO THEY Seth: YEAH. DO PEOPLE WANT TO LIVE A LIE?
COME ON. Seth: YEAH, IT WAS THE BAD TREE YEAR, I AGREE
CONGRATULATIONS, YOUR FIRST THANKSGIVING AS AN AMERICAN CITIZEN, JOHN.
YES, YES. Seth: I'M ASSUMING IT'S GOING TO BE A MUTED AFFAIR
OH YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, YEAH THERE'S NOT MUCH GOING ON. BUT AS A NEW AMERICAN, I'M
ALREADY PUSHING THE REALITY OF WHAT THANKSGIVING IS ABOUT FURTHER AND FURTHER DOWN
I'LL FORGET ABOUT IT NEXT YEAR [ LAUGHTER ] Seth: I EXPECT NOTHING LESS
FROM YOU HEY, THIS IS NO SURPRISE, AS ALWAYS, IT'S A PLEASURE TALKING
TO YOU YOU, TOO. Seth: HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS THANKS FOR BEING HERE, BUDDY IT IS A ABSOLUTE PLEASURE
SEE YOU SOON -- MAYBE. Seth: YEAH. YOU KNOW, BACK TO QUARANTINE.
IT'S GOING TO BE A WHILE I WON'T SEE YOU SOON [ LAUGHTER ]
Seth: YOU CAN STREAM THE SEVENTH SEASON SEASON -- WALLY OF "LAST WEEK TONIGHT" ON HBO
MAX. [ LAUGHTER ] WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
JOE BUCK *
SEVEN-TIME EMMY-WINNING SPORTSCASTER WHO RECENTLY WON THE PRO FOOTBALL HALL OF FAME'S
PETE ROZELLE AWARD PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW, JOE BUCK
HOW ARE YOU, JOE HEY, BUDDY! HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD TO SEE YOU. Seth: GOOD TO SEE YOU AS WELL
CONGRATULATIONS ON WINNING THIS AWARD. IT WAS VERY COOL TO WATCH HOW IT
HAPPENED YOU WERE GENUINELY SURPRISED, RIGHT?
I WAS, YOU KNOW I DON'T KNOW THAT I WANT TO REVEAL TOO MANY SECRETS, BUT A
LOT OF TIMES ON TV, WE FAKE IT [ LAUGHTER ] WE FAKE BEING SURPRISED, BUT I
WAS. I -- I WAS TOLD BY OUR PRODUCER AT HALFTIME, WE WERE DOING A
THURSDAY NIGHT GAME, FOOTBALL GAME IN CLEVELAND. AND I WAS TOLD THAT I NEEDED TO
HANG AROUND TO WATCH A HALFTIME PRESENTATION BY THE PRO FOOTBALL HALL OF FAME
I'M STANDING NEXT TO TROY AIKMAN, AND I'M THINKING, "OKAY, I'VE GOT TO REGURGITATE
ALL OF THE AIKMAN STUFF HERE ABOUT HOW GREAT TROY IS AND A CREDIT TO THE GAME."
AND THEN IT TURNS ON TO ME AND I WAS LIKE, "MY GOD, WHAT? SO, YEAH, I WAS SURPRISED.
AND IT'S COOL. I MEAN, IT'S A NEAT AWARD. AND IT WAS NICE THAT MY MOM WAS
WATCHING THAT LIVE SHE'S NOW 81 AND DOING GREAT, MADE IT THROUGH COVID.
BEAT THAT DOWN LIKE THE STRONG WOMAN THAT SHE IS, AND SHE GOT TO WATCH HER SON JOIN HER LATE
HUSBAND IN CANTON WITH THAT AWARD, SO THAT WAS COOL. Seth: WELL, THAT WAS THE
EXTRA COOL PART OF IT IS THAT YOUR DAD, JACK BUCK, WON THIS AWARD IN 1996.
AND OBVIOUSLY, YOU KNOW, WITH A DAD LIKE THAT, I'M GUESSING THAT BROADCASTING WAS SOMETHING YOU
ALWAYS WANTED TO DO? YEAH, I THINK, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU SEE A PARENT THAT LOVES
DOING WHAT HE OR SHE DOES FOR A LIVING AND YOU'RE CLOSE TO THAT PARENT -
MY DAD WAS MY BEST FRIEND, WHICH MAYBE SAYS A LOT ABOUT ME AND WHY I WAS SO LONELY AND DIDN'T
LOSE MY VIRGINITY UNTIL I WAS 18 [ LAUGHTER ]
I THINK I JUST WANTED TO BE HIM. I DIDN'T WANT TO BE ANYTHING BUT A BROADCASTER.
AND SO, THANKFULLY, I HAD A DAD -- IT WAS LIKE A MASTERS CLASS.
AND I GOT TO GO TO ALL THESE DIFFERENT NATIONAL LEAGUE CITIES BY THE TIME I WAS 12
HE WOULD TAKE ME WITH HIM. I WASN'T ACTING LIKE A LITTLE JERK, SO HE WANTED ME AROUND
AND I WAS JUST THERE IN IT WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID, AND BY THE TIME I WAS 21, I WAS DOING BIG
LEAGUE BASEBALL, AND 27 DOING A WORLD SERIES IN THE BRONX. SO, YEAH, STUFF CAME FAST, BUT
THAT ALL GETS TRACED BACK TO NEPOTISM, AND LOVING MY DAD. Seth: AND YOU STARTED VERY
YOUNG. AND YOU KNOW, NOW YOUR VOICE, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO THINK OF IT
SOUNDING ANY DIFFERENT THAN WE HEAR IT TODAY. I MEAN, WE'RE ALL SO USED TO IT.
BUT DID YOU HAVE TO DEVELOP THE VOICE THAT YOU HAVE NOW? IT WAS -- IT WAS A CONCERTED
EFFORT TO NOT SOUND LIKE I WAS BASICALLY JACK BUCK'S KID GETTING A TURN AT THE GROWN-UPS'
TABLE ON THANKSGIVING. YEAH, THERE WERE TIMES, YOU KNOW -- I THINK I USED TO TALK
KIND OF UP HERE. AND THEN THE MORE YOU REALLY WORK ON IT AND IT GETS LOWER,
AND LOWER AND LOWER. AND BY THE TIME YOU'RE DOING THE GAMES -- AND BY THE WAY, I WAS
AROUND MORE SECONDHAND SMOKE THAN - [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW, A KID GROWING UP IN A CASINO BUT I MEAN, MY DAD WAS SMOKING,
MIKE SHANNON, HIS BROADCAST PARTNER WAS SMOKING, THE ENGINEER WAS SMOKING
SO I WAS INGESTING ALL THIS STUFF. EVENTUALLY, MY VOICE WAS GOING
TO GET DEEPER. BUT THERE WERE TIMES WHEN MY VOICE CRACKED WHEN I GOT EXCITED
CALLING A BIG PLAY AND I SOUNDED LIKE I WAS EIGHT I DIDN'T SOUND LIKE I WAS 21
BUT I GOT THROUGH THOSE TIMES. AND YOU KNOW, ONCE YOU START GROWING HAIR IN DIFFERENT
PLACES, YOU KNOW, YOUR VOICE SHOULD CHANGE, AND EVENTUALLY, MINE DID
Seth: YOU -- SPEAKING ABOUT VOICE CRACKING, YOU REALLY PUT YOURS THROUGH A WORKOUT.
BACK IN OCTOBER, I THINK, IF I READ IT RIGHT, YOU DID EIGHT STRAIGHT DAYS OF BROADCASTING IN
A ROW. I THINK THREE FOOTBALL GAMES AND THREE POSTSEASON BASEBALL GAMES.
THAT JUST MUST HAVE BEEN BOTH EXHAUSTING AND THRILLING IT'S MORE THRILLING THAN
EXHAUSTING I ACTUALLY WENT 14 STRAIGHT DAYS AND THEN 16 OUT OF 18 ON
NATIONAL TV DOING TWO DIFFERENT SPORTS AND BOUNCING BACK AND FORTH.
AND I LOVE IT. IT IS TIRING, BUT WHEN YOU'RE DOING A WORLD SERIES GAME OR
YOU'RE DOING A BIG FOOTBALL GAME, OR YOU KNOW, WHATEVER IT IS THAT'S ON YOUR SLATE TO DO,
IF YOU CAN'T GET EXCITED FOR THAT AND PUT AWAY BEING TIRED FOR A SECOND, THEN SOMETHING'S
WRONG. SO, YOU KNOW, GREED IS BAD I THINK THAT'S KIND OF WHAT IT
GETS BACK TO IT'S BEING GREEDY AND WANTING TO DO ALL THAT STUFF AND TRYING TO
MAXIMIZE AS MUCH AS I CAN WHILE I CAN. Seth: IN YOUR EARLY DAYS, IT
WASN'T QUITE THOSE HIGH-END GIGS LIKE NFL FOOTBALL AND POSTSEASON BASEBALL
YOU ACTUALLY CALLED A BASS FISHING TOURNAMENT FOUND OUT THAT THERE WERE A
FEW WORDS THAT SHOULD NEVER BE IN THE SAME SENTENCE; LIVE, BASS FISHING, AND TELEVISION.
[ LAUGHTER ] BECAUSE I WAS INTERVIEWING PEOPLE THAT WERE ON DIFFERENT
BOATS IN DIFFERENT LAKES AROUND ORLANDO, AND THEY FORGOT TO TURN THEIR MIC ON, AND IF THEY DID
THAT, THEN THEY FORGOT TO TURN THEIR EARPIECE ON, AND I'M TALKING TO THEM, AND THEY CAN'T
HEAR ME, AND THEY'RE TALKING BACK AND I CAN'T HEAR THEM I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT FISHING
AND BETWEEN THE HOURS, ODDLY ENOUGH, OF, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS, 5:30 TO 7:00 P.M. IN THE
EASTERN TIME ZONE? THE BASS FISH FORGOT TO BITE, SO NOBODY CAUGHT ANYTHING
AND I WAS SITTING THERE LITERALLY SPINNING MY WHEELS FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF
IT WAS THE WORST HOUR AND A HALF OF NETWORK TELEVISION OF ALL TIME
Seth: YOU -- I KNOW DURING, AGAIN, EARLY PANDEMIC, WHEN THERE WAS AN ABSENCE OF SPORTS
AND PEOPLE REALLY FEELING THAT, YOU -- A LOT OF PEOPLE REACHED OUT TO YOU TO ASK IF THEY COULD
USE YOUR VOICE FOR SORT OF SOME NON-SPORTS STUFF YEAH, IT FILLED A VOID.
IT WAS WEIRD, YOU KNOW I WAS TALKING TO MY BOSS ONE NIGHT AND TALKING ABOUT TRYING
TO STAY IN PRACTICE. WE WERE JOKING ABOUT IT. AND HE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU JUST
START DOING INTERNET VIDEOS AND PUT THEM OUT ON YOUR TWITTER ACCOUNT?
WHICH I DID. I DIDN'T WANT TO DO VIRAL VIDEOS
AND THEN I KIND OF PUT THE CALL OUT, LIKE, SEND ME YOUR BEST AND IT WAS A GUY GRILLING WINGS
ON HIS BARBECUE PIT. IT WAS A FAMILY CLEARING OUT THE LIVING ROOM FURNITURE AND MAKING
A HOOP OUT OF AN OLD ADIDAS BOX AND PLAYING 2 ON 2 WITH A SOCK IT WAS THAT KIND OF STUFF.
BUT I MEAN, THE LAST TIME I CHECKED, IT WAS LIKE OVER 12 MILLION VIEWS OF THESE
THINGS SO, PEOPLE WERE STARVED FOR SOMETHING.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT -- WHAT ITCH THAT SCRATCHED, BUT IT FOUND ITS LITTLE HOME, AND YEAH, THEN IT
KIND OF MORPHED INTO -- INTO AN OFFER FROM A PORN SITE TO ACTUALLY PUT MY VOICE ON SOME OF
THEIR FINE WORK. [ LAUGHTER ] Seth: THIS YOU TURNED DOWN,
RIGHT? I DID OH, I HAD MY MOM CONVINCED FOR
OVER 24 HOURS THAT I SAID YES. IT WAS A COMPANY -- I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT COMPANY IT WAS
AND GOD LOVE YOU, BUT THEY SAID -- THE OFFER WAS SEVEN FIGURES, LIKE A $1 MILLION OFFER
TO SIT LIKE THIS IN MY OFFICE ALL DAY AND PUT MY VOICE TO LIVE WEBCAM SEX ACTS FOR THE VISUALLY
IMPAIRED Seth: YEAH. WHICH, WHILE IT WAS VERY
TEMPTING, I THOUGHT MIGHT DERAIL THE REST OF MY CAREER AND PROBABLY LIFE.
I WONDER WHAT JOE BUCK'S PORN NAME WOULD BE. PROBABLY JOE BUCK
[ LAUGHTER ] Seth: WE'LL NEVER FIGURE IT OUT.
FINE, I FELL INTO THAT. LOOK, I'M NAMED AFTER -- I'M NAMED AFTER A CHARACTER FROM
"MIDNIGHT COWBOY," AND KIDS, WE'VE ALREADY HAD A FRED SANFORD REFERENCE ON THIS SHOW
[ LAUGHTER ] GOOGLE "MIDNIGHT COWBOY JOE BUCK" AND FIND OUT WHAT HE
DID FOR A LIVING Seth: YEAH. AND THEN YOU'LL THINK OF ME A
LOT DIFFERENTLY. Seth: THAT'S AMAZING. I NEVER PUT THAT TOGETHER.
YOU KNOW, IT'S INTERESTING, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE PANDEMIC, AND ONE OF THE THINGS
I FOUND MYSELF DOING WAS WATCHING OLD HIGHLIGHTS OF GAMES THAT HAD OUTCOMES THAT WERE, YOU
KNOW, AS PEOPLE DO, YOU KNOW, POSITIVE MEMORIES. AND IT'S INTERESTING, BECAUSE
YOU KNOW, SPORTSCASTERS ARE THEN, YOU KNOW, TIED TO THAT MOMENT FOREVER
AND I GO BACK, WHENEVER I'M FEELING DOWN, I WATCH 2004 ALCS HIGHLIGHTS
AND I THINK IT PROBABLY IS, YOU KNOW, CERTAINLY IN YOUR TOP TEN MOST-FAMOUS CALLS, WHEN YOU
SAID, "WE'LL SEE YOU LATER TONIGHT" ON A WALK-OFF HOME RUN THAT WAS SO LATE THAT THE NEXT,
YOU KNOW, BASICALLY IT WAS ALREADY THE NEXT DAY YES
Seth: WHEN YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW, ON AN ORTIZ HOME RUN, ARE YOU AWARE IN THE
MOMENT, LIKE THAT WAS A REALLY GOOD ONE UM, YEAH, I THINK THE MAIN
THING IS YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO SCREW IT UP AND I'M NOT TRYING TO BE HUMBLE
ABOUT WHAT COULD BE CONSIDERED A GOOD CALL. IT WAS KIND OF LIKE A RIP-OFF OF
MY DAD'S CALL, WHICH I BROUGHT BACK AGAIN IN 2011, LIKE BEING A JACK BUCK COVER BAND AND JUST
DOING HIS HIGHLIGHT CALLS ALL THE TIME AND JUST FITTING IT TO THE SITUATION.
BUT I THINK SOMETIMES WHEN IT'S, YOU KNOW, WHEN IT'S A HOME TEAM PLAYER -- AND IN THAT CASE, IT
WAS DAVID ORTIZ HITTING A HOME RUN AT FENWAY, AND THE PLACE IS LITERALLY SHAKING -- YOU JUST
WANT TO SAY A SENTENCE THAT SETS IT UP. AND IN THIS CASE, YOU KNOW,
REMINDS PEOPLE THAT, OH, BY THE WAY, THE NEXT GAME IS LATER TONIGHT, BECAUSE THIS IS EXTRA
INNINGS AND IT'S PAST MIDNIGHT, AND THEN JUST GET OUT OF THE WAY, AND LET THE CROWD JUST GO
NUTS AND CARRY ALL THE ACTION. I MEAN, THERE'S NOTHING THAT I'M GOING TO COME UP WITH THAT'S
BETTER THAN THAT, AND THAT'S REALLY THE WAY THAT I'VE TRIED TO LIVE MY CAREER, WHICH HAS
MADE IT TOUGH IN 2020 WITH BASICALLY EMPTY STADIUMS AND NO REAL CROWD FEEL THAT ARE AT
THESE VENUES AND YET, YOU STILL HAVE TO TRY TO PLAY TO IT, EVEN THOUGH IT'S
KIND OF FAKE CROWD NOISE IN MY HEADSET AND ON YOUR TV AT HOME Seth: WELL, I THINK YOU'RE
DOING A TERRIFIC JOB AND YOU KNOW, WHAT IS FAMILIAR IS SO IMPORTANT NOW, ESPECIALLY
WHEN WE'RE ENGAGING WITH SPORTS. AND SO, PERSONALLY FOR ME, IT'S BEEN GREAT HEARING YOU CALL
GAMES ACROSS ALL THE SPORTS THIS FALL AND I REALLY APPRECIATE IT
AND IT'S ALWAYS SO GREAT TO TALK TO YOU THE COWBOYS PLAY THE WASHINGTON
FOOTBALL TEAM THANKSGIVING NIGHT ON FOX WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
"LATE NIGHT. * Announcer: FOR MORE
"LATE NIGHT," GO TO LATENIGHTSETH.COM. FOLLOW US ON INSTAGRAM AND
TWITTER @LATENIGHTSETH AND BE SURE TO CHECK US OUT ON YOUTUBE AND FACEBOOK
HEAD OVER TO iTUNES TO SUBSCRIBE TO THE "LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS" PODCAST.
YOU'LL GET "A CLOSER LOOK" AND MORE DOWNLOADED RIGHT TO YOUR PHONE.
Seth: I WANT TO THANK MY GUESTS JOHN OLIVER AND JOE BUCK. I WANT TO THANK FRED ARMISEN AND
THE 8G BAND. STAY TUNED FOR "LILLY SINGH. COME BACK TOMORROW NIGHT FOR OUR
ANNUAL THANKSGIVING SHOW WITH MY PARENTS AND MY BROTHER STAY SAFE.
WASH YOUR HANDS. WEAR A MASK.