1 00:00:10,043 --> 00:00:14,047 Announcer: TONIGHT, ON "LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS." 2 00:00:14,047 --> 00:00:22,689 KALEY CUOCO. AUTHOR CAZZIE DAVIS. AN ALL NEW "CLOSER LOOK. 3 00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:26,893 FEATURING THE 8G BAND WITH VALERIE FRANCO AND NOW, SETH MEYERS 4 00:00:26,893 --> 00:00:26,926 VALERIE FRANCO AND NOW, SETH MEYERS 5 00:00:29,062 --> 00:00:30,797 Seth: GOOD EVENING. I'M SETH MEYERS AND THIS IS 6 00:00:30,797 --> 00:00:33,833 "LATE NIGHT. HOW IS EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT THAT IS GREAT TO HEAR. 7 00:00:33,833 --> 00:00:39,739 LET'S GET TO THE NEWS. PRESIDENT TRUMP TWEETED LAST NIGHT, "I WON THE ELECTION." 8 00:00:39,739 --> 00:00:43,877 BUDDY, YOU'RE STILL TALKING ABOUT THAT THAT WAS FOUR YEARS AGO. 9 00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:50,150 ALSO, WE HAD ANOTHER ELECTION, AND I HAVE TERRIBLE NEWS AFTER PRESIDENT TRUMP TWEETED 10 00:00:50,150 --> 00:00:53,286 LAST NIGHT, "I WON THE ELECTION," TWITTER PUT A WARNING ON THE TWEET THAT SAID, QUOTE, 11 00:00:53,286 --> 00:00:56,790 "OFFICIAL SOURCES CALLED THIS ELECTION DIFFERENTLY." WOW. 12 00:00:56,790 --> 00:01:00,393 VERY PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE, TWITTER. NEXT, IT'S JUST GONNA BE, "AW, 13 00:01:00,393 --> 00:01:04,330 BLESS HIS HEART. THERE ARE 65 DAYS UNTIL INAUGURATION DAY 14 00:01:04,330 --> 00:01:12,972 THAT'S RIGHT 65 DAYS UNTIL ONE LUCKY AGENT WINS THE SECRET SERVICE LOTTERY. 15 00:01:12,972 --> 00:01:15,942 IN A NEW INTERVIEW, FORMER PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA SAID IT'S TIME FOR PRESIDENT TRUMP TO 16 00:01:15,942 --> 00:01:19,746 CONCEDE THE ELECTION OH, GOOD HE'LL LISTEN TO YOU. 17 00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:24,984 AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, WE'LL SEND IN ROSIE O'DONNELL AND JONATHAN VAN NESS. 18 00:01:24,984 --> 00:01:29,589 PRESIDENT TRUMP HAD LUNCH TODAY WITH VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE TRUMP HAD THE PANCAKES, WHILE 19 00:01:29,589 --> 00:01:34,294 PENCE HAD A STRANGE FEELING THAT NONE OF THIS WAS WORTH IT. "ARE WE GOING TO STAY IN TOUCH, 20 00:01:34,294 --> 00:01:40,400 SIR? "WHO THE [ BLEEP ] ARE YOU?" [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 21 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:44,904 WHITE HOUSE CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE MEMBER DR. SCOTT ATLAS CALLED ON PEOPLE IN MICHIGAN TO, 22 00:01:44,904 --> 00:01:49,576 QUOTE, "RISE UP" AGAINST NEW CORONAVIRUS RESTRICTIONS IS HE AN ACTUAL DOCTOR 23 00:01:49,576 --> 00:01:53,880 OR IS THIS LIKE IN COMIC BOOKS WHERE "DOCTOR" JUST MEANS HE'S EVIL 24 00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:59,319 YOU KNOW, BECAUSE NO ONE WOULD BE AFRAID OF A GUY WHO CALLED HIMSELF MR. OCTOPUS. 25 00:01:59,319 --> 00:02:04,791 "AND IS THERE A MRS. OCTOPUS?" [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE AND 26 00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:09,062 SECOND LADY KAREN PENCE ATTENDED THE SPACE-X ROCKET LAUNCH YESTERDAY IN FLORIDA 27 00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:15,935 IT'S THE ONLY THING HE'S EVER WATCHED THAT HAD AN "X" IN IT. SONY'S PLAYSTATION 5 GAME 28 00:02:15,935 --> 00:02:20,206 CONSOLE WAS RELEASED LAST WEEK, AND ALMOST IMMEDIATELY SOLD OUT IN THE U.S. AND JAPAN. 29 00:02:20,206 --> 00:02:25,545 ALSO SELLING OUT IN THE U.S. AND JAPAN, ME. THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE 30 00:02:25,545 --> 00:02:29,082 LAST NIGHT ISSUED A RARE TORNADO WARNING FOR MANHATTAN AND THE BRONX. 31 00:02:29,082 --> 00:02:33,319 THOUGH, IN THE CASE OF THE BRONX, THE WARNING WAS FOR THE TORNADO. 32 00:02:33,319 --> 00:02:38,224 "I WOULDN'T HANG AROUND THERE TOO LONG." BAYS, STOP WRITING JOKES THAT 33 00:02:38,224 --> 00:02:42,395 WOULD BE BETTER FOR "DESUS & MERO." I KNOW YOU WANT TO WOR -- I WANT 34 00:02:42,395 --> 00:02:47,200 TO WORK THERE, TOO YOUR PASSIVE AGGRESSION IS NOT APPRECIATED. 35 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:52,238 AND FINALLY, A MAN IN FLORIDA LAST WEEK WAS CHARGED WITH DISORDERLY CONDUCT, AFTER 36 00:02:52,238 --> 00:02:56,276 THROWING A TANTRUM IN THE CHECKERS DRIVE-THRU BECAUSE HIS SANDWICH DIDN'T HAVE LETTUCE 37 00:02:56,276 --> 00:03:03,249 WHEN THE OFFICERS SHOWED UP, THEY TOLD HIM TO ROMAINE CALM. THIS BRINGS US TO A SEGMENT 38 00:03:03,249 --> 00:03:04,217 CALLED "ONE OF MY WRITERS EXPLAINS A JOKE. 39 00:03:08,822 --> 00:03:10,590 Seth: HEY, EVERYONE, THIS IS MATT GOLDICH HI. 40 00:03:10,590 --> 00:03:14,627 HI Seth: HI, BUDDY GOOD TO SEE YOU 41 00:03:14,627 --> 00:03:16,296 Seth: SO, I'M GOING TO -- I'M JUST GOING TO READ THIS FOR YOU ONE MORE TIME. 42 00:03:16,296 --> 00:03:19,432 A MAN IN FLORIDA LAST WEEK WAS CHARGED WITH DISORDERLY CONDUCT AFTER THROWING A TANTRUM IN THE 43 00:03:19,432 --> 00:03:23,603 CHECKERS DRIVE-THRU BECAUSE HIS SANDWICH DIDN'T HAVE LETTUCE WHEN THE OFFICERS SHOWED UP, 44 00:03:23,603 --> 00:03:28,074 THEY TOLD HIM TO ROMAINE CALM. SO YOU WANT TO TALK US THROUGH YOUR THOUGHT PROCESS HERE? 45 00:03:28,074 --> 00:03:33,079 YEAH, I WOULD LOVE TO, SETH BUT I ACTUALLY DON'T WANT TO DO IT FOR MY ROMAINE JOKE, WHICH I 46 00:03:33,079 --> 00:03:35,648 THINK WE ALL WOULD AGREE IS SOLID. I WANT TO DO IT FOR THE OTHER 47 00:03:35,648 --> 00:03:39,452 JOKE THAT I WROTE. Seth: OH, PLEASE DON'T, MATT. NO, I WANT TO, BECAUSE I 48 00:03:39,452 --> 00:03:42,956 THINK PEOPLE WILL AGREE THAT YOU WERE WRONG NOT TO DO IT. Seth: WELL, I THINK PEOPLE 49 00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:46,593 WILL AGREE THAT I WAS RIGHT NOT TO DO IT SETH, WE COULD GO BACK AND 50 00:03:46,593 --> 00:03:49,295 FORTH ALL DAY. THE ONLY SOLUTION IS TO LET ME TELL THE JOKE. 51 00:03:49,295 --> 00:03:54,000 Seth: ALL RIGHT GO AHEAD, MATT TODAY WAS NATIONAL FRENCH DIP 52 00:03:54,000 --> 00:04:02,609 DAY. BUT I STILL SAY AU JUS WILL NOT REPLACE US 53 00:04:02,609 --> 00:04:07,747 Seth: WANT TO TALK US THROUGH THAT ONE, MATT WELL, SURE, YES 54 00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:12,118 SO AS YOU'RE AWARE, A FRENCH DIP IS A SANDWICH. Seth: UH-HUH. 55 00:04:12,118 --> 00:04:16,289 THAT COMES WITH A LITTLE POT OF DIPPING SAUCE CALLED AU JU OR AU JUS 56 00:04:16,289 --> 00:04:24,364 Seth: MM-HMM. AND YOU MIGHT ALSO REMEMBER THE TIKI TORCH MARCHERS, WHO 57 00:04:24,364 --> 00:04:26,766 MARCHED AROUND IN CHARLOTTESVILLE -- Seth: CHARLOTTESVILLE, SURE 58 00:04:26,766 --> 00:04:32,672 CHANTING, "JEWS WILL NOT REPLACE US." AND YOU KNOW, NOW THAT TRUMP IS 59 00:04:32,672 --> 00:04:39,346 NOT GOING TO BE THE PRESIDENT ANYMORE AND ANTI-SEMITISM AND WHITE SUPREMACY WILL NO LONGER 60 00:04:39,346 --> 00:04:44,150 BE PROBLEMS IN AMERICA - [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] I FELT IT LIKE IT WAS THE TIME 61 00:04:44,150 --> 00:04:47,887 TO MAKE A CUTE LITTLE PUN ABOUT IT INVOLVING ROAST BEEF SANDWICHES 62 00:04:47,887 --> 00:04:52,792 Seth: I SHOULD NOTE, YOU HAD TO GET COVID TESTED TO COME IN AND EXPLAIN THIS JOKE. 63 00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:58,465 I DID TWICE, ACTUALLY, YEAH. [ LAUGHTER ] 64 00:04:58,465 --> 00:05:00,900 Seth: WELL, I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE IT WAS WORTH IT. GIVE IT UP FOR MATT GOLDICH, 65 00:05:00,900 --> 00:05:04,070 EVERYBODY. * Announcer: THIS HAS BEEN "ONE 66 00:05:04,070 --> 00:05:08,641 OF MY WRITERS EXPLAINS A JOKE. Seth: WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 67 00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:11,277 KALEY CUOCO WILL BE HERE HER NEW SHOW "THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT" PREMIERES ON 68 00:05:11,277 --> 00:05:15,315 THANKSGIVING OVER AT HBO MAX AND CAZZIE DAVID WILL BE HERE, AS WELL. 69 00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:20,787 A VERY FUNNY WRITER AND ACTRESS, AND HER NEW BOOK, "NO ONE ASKED FOR THIS" IS OUT TOMORROW. 70 00:05:20,787 --> 00:05:25,058 BUT BEFORE WE GET TO ALL THAT, THE OUTGOING PRESIDENT IS IRREVERSIBLY LIGHTING AMERIAN 71 00:05:25,058 --> 00:05:29,195 DEMOCRACY ON FIRE, AS HIS ALLIES AND LAWYERS PURSUE ONE DERANGED CONSPIRACTY THEORY AFTER 72 00:05:29,195 --> 00:05:32,599 ANOTHER. MEANWHILE, THEY'RE ALSO LETTING A DEADLY PLAGUE RAVAGE THE 73 00:05:32,599 --> 00:05:35,468 COUNTRY UNCONTROLLED FOR MORE ON THIS, IT'S TIME FOR "A CLOSER LOOK." 74 00:05:35,468 --> 00:05:35,502 FOR MORE ON THIS, IT'S TIME FOR "A CLOSER LOOK." 75 00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:44,077 Seth: WE'RE IN A MOMENT RIGHT NOW OF COLLIDING CRISES 76 00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:48,081 UNPRECEDENTED IN OUR LIFETIMES WE'VE JUST CONCLUDED A SUCCESSFUL PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION 77 00:05:48,081 --> 00:05:55,321 WITH A CLEAR AND DECISIVE RESULT, AMID A DEADLY PLAGUE THAT'S SPREADING RAPIDLY OUT OF 78 00:05:55,321 --> 00:05:57,157 CONTROL AND AN OUTGOING PRESIDENT WHO NOT ONLY DOESN'T CARE BUT HASN'T EVEN BEEN TO A 79 00:05:57,157 --> 00:06:01,127 CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE MEETING IN AT LEAST FIVE MONTHS. FIVE MONTHS. 80 00:06:01,127 --> 00:06:06,266 WHAT'S HE BEEN DOING CATCHING UP ON THE FIRST THREE SEASONS OF "THE CROWN? 81 00:06:06,266 --> 00:06:10,503 BECAUSE THAT'S HOW LONG IT TAKES TO WATCH THAT SHOW SORRY, OLIVIA COLMAN, BUT HOW 82 00:06:10,503 --> 00:06:15,775 MANY ESTABLISHING SHOTS OF ROYALS STARING OUT WINDOWS OR ASTON MARTINS DRIVING UP COUNTRY 83 00:06:15,775 --> 00:06:18,611 ROADS TO OLD CASTLES CAN ONE PERSON TAKE? WE GET IT. 84 00:06:18,611 --> 00:06:23,316 THEY'RE RICH AND [ BLEEP ] UP. WE HAVE OUR OWN VERSION OF THAT. IT'S CALLED "THE REAL HOUSEWIVES 85 00:06:23,316 --> 00:06:29,656 OF NEW JERSEY," AND AT LEAST THEY FLIP OVER TABLES AND GET DEPORTED TO ITALY FOR TAX FRAUD. 86 00:06:29,656 --> 00:06:33,460 WE'VE SURPASSED 11 MILLION INFECTIONS AND WE'RE NEARING A QUARTER OF A MILLION DEATHS WITH 87 00:06:33,460 --> 00:06:36,763 HOSPITAL ICUs FILLING UP AROSS THE COUNTRY. AND THE OUTGOING PRESIDENT IS 88 00:06:36,763 --> 00:06:42,535 MOPING AROUND HIS BEDROOM LIKE A TEENAGER WHO DIDN'T GET INVITED TO CHAD'S LAKE HOUSE AFTER PROM. 89 00:06:42,535 --> 00:06:46,906 "DONALD, YOU WANT TO COME DOWN AND HELP US WITH THE PANDEMIC? "NO. 90 00:06:46,906 --> 00:06:50,744 I'M FACETIMING WITH MY REAL FRIENDS. LEAVE ME ALONE 91 00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:55,081 ANYWAY, MY MOM'S A REAL B. WE'RE IN A NATIONAL CRISIS, THE LIKES OF WHICH WE HAVEN'T SEEN 92 00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:59,085 IN 100 YEARS AND IT WOULD BE NICE IF THE OUTGOING PRESIDENT'S TEAM WOULD 93 00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:02,756 COOPERATE WITH INCOMING PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN'S PANEL OF EXPERTS OF SCIENTISTS ADVISING 94 00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:07,894 HIM ON THE CORONAVIRUS, ESPECIALLY NOW THAT A MUCH-NEEDED DOSE OF GOOD NEWS -- 95 00:07:07,894 --> 00:07:11,798 IT'S REPORTED THAT ACCORDING TO EARLY DATA, WE MIGHT HAVE NOT ONE BUT TWO HIGHLY- EFFECTIVE 96 00:07:11,798 --> 00:07:16,336 VACCINES THE NEXT ADMINISTRATION NEEDS TO DEVISE A PLAN ON HOW BEST TO 97 00:07:16,336 --> 00:07:20,273 DISTRIBUTE THOSE VACCINES, WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS SOMETHING THAT JOE BIDEN HAS CLEARLY 98 00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:20,740 THAT JOE BIDEN HAS CLEARLY THOUGHT A LOT ABOUT. 99 00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:26,479 VACCINES BEING WORKED ON NOW 100 00:07:26,479 --> 00:07:31,851 ONE IS AN RNA MODEL. AND THE OTHER IS AN ADNOVIRUS, WHICH IS A WAY TO GENERATE THE 101 00:07:31,851 --> 00:07:37,891 IMMUNE SYSTEM'S RESPONSE ONE CHANGES THE CELL STRUCTURE THE MRNA, THAT REQUIRES TWO 102 00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:45,632 INJECTIONS AND IT REQUIRES TO BE STORED AT 70 DEGREES BELOW ZERO. 103 00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:50,437 Seth: WELL, I CERTAINLY DIDN'T EXPECT THAT LEVEL OF SCIENTIFIC DETAIL. 104 00:07:50,437 --> 00:07:54,908 IS JOE BIDEN OLD SHELDON HE SEEMS LIKE A GUY WHO WOULD SAY SOMETHING LIKE, "WHAT I KNOW 105 00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:59,079 ABOUT VACCINES IS YOU ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVE AND YOU TAKE IT LIKE A MAN. 106 00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:04,084 BUT CLEARLY, HE'S BEEN STUDYING THIS STUFF, WHICH IS COMFORTING. THOUGH TO BE FAIR, BIDEN COULD 107 00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:08,021 KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MEDICINE. HE CAN SAY HE THOUGHT BABIES CAME OUT OF WOMEN'S STOMACHS 108 00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:11,491 BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE THE BIG BUMP WAS AND I WOULD STILL FEEL RELIEVED 109 00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:14,694 BECAUSE TRUMP IS GONE. SO IT WOULD BE NICE TO HAVE THAT GUY WORKING WITH THE OUTGOING 110 00:08:14,694 --> 00:08:19,299 ADMINISTRATION'S TEAM TO CURB THE GROWTH IN CASES AND DEVELOP A PLAN FOR VACCINE DISTRIBUTION, 111 00:08:19,299 --> 00:08:23,103 WHICH IS WHY DURING A "60 MINUTES" INTERVIEW LAST NIGHT, PRESIDENT OBAMA CALLED ON 112 00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:28,575 TRUMP TO FINALLY CONCEDE AS YOU'LL RECALL, OBAMA SAT PATIENTLY WITH TRUMP IN THE OVAL 113 00:08:28,575 --> 00:08:34,714 OFFICE JUST TWO DAYS AFTER THE 2016 ELECTION, LIKE SOMEONE IN THE BIG BROTHER PROGRAM WAITING 114 00:08:34,714 --> 00:08:38,084 FOR AN ARRAIGNMENT HEARING WITH THE HIGH SCHOOL BURNOUT HE WAS ASSIGNED TO. 115 00:08:38,084 --> 00:08:44,324 "YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU STEAL LIQUOR, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TWEET ABOUT IT 116 00:08:44,324 --> 00:08:47,060 YOU GOT TO GET YOUR [ BLEEP ] TOGETHER, MAN. "YOU SHOULD GET YOUR [ BLEEP ] 117 00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:51,865 TOGETHER." "WHAT WAS THAT?" "NOTHING." 118 00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:56,136 IN THE PAST, THE TRANSITION OF POWER WAS DONE WITH GRACE AND DIGNITY. 119 00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:58,104 GEORGE H.W. BUSH WROTE A BEAUTIFUL LETTER TO BILL CLINTON, GIVING HIM SOUND 120 00:08:58,104 --> 00:09:02,575 ADVICE DWIGHT EISENHOWER LEFT OFFICE WITH TREMENDOUS CLASS AND WITH A 121 00:09:02,575 --> 00:09:06,846 WARNING ABOUT THE MILITARY INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX AND OF COURSE AS WE RECALL, WHEN 122 00:09:06,846 --> 00:09:11,751 RUTHERFORD B. HAYES LEFT OFFICE, HE WROTE TO THE INCOMING PRESIDENT JAMES GARFIELD, "HEY, 123 00:09:11,751 --> 00:09:15,288 IT'S RUTHERFORD. THE TOILET NEAR THE WAR ROOM IS OVERFLOWING, BUT I SWEAR IT 124 00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:19,092 WASN'T ME. I'M MAD THAT I'M NOT THE PRESIDENT ANYMORE, BECAUSE I WAS 125 00:09:19,092 --> 00:09:21,828 SO POWERFUL WHEN I WAS PRESIDENT. BUT I WILL LEAVE OFFICE BECAUSE 126 00:09:21,828 --> 00:09:28,468 I'M COOL AND NORMAL. ENJOY THE WHITE HOUSE, IT'S FUN. YOU CAN ASK THE STAFF FOR 127 00:09:28,468 --> 00:09:32,539 WHATEVER YOU WANT AND THEY HAVE TO GO GET IT I ASKED SOME RANDOM BUTLER TO 128 00:09:32,539 --> 00:09:36,676 GET ME ONION SKIN PAPER AND A PEAR FROM VERMONT AND A WEEK LATER, THIS DUMB GUY RAN BACK 129 00:09:36,676 --> 00:09:39,512 IN, SO SWEATY, LIKE HE HAD SPRINTED AND I'M SITTING THERE LAUGHING 130 00:09:39,512 --> 00:09:43,883 SO HARD. DAMN IT, I WILL MISS BEING PRESIDENT. 131 00:09:43,883 --> 00:09:49,356 AT LEAST I KNOW FOR SURE THAT I WILL GO DOWN AS A NAME THAT ALL CHILDREN WILL KNOW, 132 00:09:49,356 --> 00:09:53,727 RUTHERFORD B. HAYES. NOW, IT WILL NOT SURPRISE YOU TO LEARN THAT TRUMP'S BEST BUDS, 133 00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:57,464 THE "FOX & FRIENDS," DID NOT TAKE KINDLY TO OBAMA'S REASONABLE, SANE ADVICE. 134 00:09:57,464 --> 00:09:59,265 SO THEY RESPONDED BY MAKING UP A BUNCH OF DUMB LIES ABOUT HIM 135 00:10:00,900 --> 00:10:05,538 UNITED STATES DOES BRING UP THE FACT THAT HE WISHES THAT PRESIDENT TRUMP WOULD CONCEDE. 136 00:10:05,538 --> 00:10:11,444 BUT KEEP IN MIND, TOO, HE DOES NOT ACKNOWLEDGE HIS ROLE IN THE AFTERMATH DURING THE PRESIDENT'S 137 00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:14,814 SO-CALLED HONEYMOON, THE PRESIDENT-ELECT PERIOD HE DOES NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT 138 00:10:14,814 --> 00:10:17,550 THAT THE PRESIDENT, THEY LAUNCHED THE MUELLER REPORT. NEVER GAVE THE PRESIDENT ONE DAY 139 00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:21,821 OF PEACE DURING HIS TRANSITION Seth: OH, BRIAN KILMEADE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON 140 00:10:21,821 --> 00:10:26,526 BETWEEN YOUR SEWN-ON BUTTON EYES, BUT ARE YOU SAYING OBAMA NEVER GAVE TRUMP ONE DAY OF 141 00:10:26,526 --> 00:10:30,563 PEACE DURING HIS TRANSITION? TRUMP HAS NEVER GIVEN US ONE DAY OF PEACE FOR THE LAST FOUR 142 00:10:30,563 --> 00:10:35,368 YEARS. HE'S JUST TAKEN SO MUCH ENERGY I BANGED MY ELBOW ON THE KITCHEN 143 00:10:35,368 --> 00:10:38,438 COUNTER ONE DAY AND STARTED SOBBING. I REALIZED QUICKLY THAT IT 144 00:10:38,438 --> 00:10:43,476 WASN'T BANGING MY ELBOW THAT MADE ME CRY, BUT THAT I STILL HADN'T GOTTEN OVER THE PRESIDENT 145 00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:48,481 OF MY COUNTRY SAYING THAT FREDERICK DOUGLASS WAS STILL ALIVE AND WAS A GREAT GUY DOING 146 00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:53,019 A LOT OF IMPORTANT WORK. THAT HAPPENED. ALSO, YOU THINK OBAMA STARTED 147 00:10:53,019 --> 00:10:56,156 THE MUELLER REPORT YOU KNOW WHO STARTED THE MUELLER REPORT 148 00:10:56,156 --> 00:11:00,527 A TRUMP APPOINTEE NAMED ROD ROSENSTEIN, AND IT HAPPENED IN MAY OF 2017 149 00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:05,231 I THOUGHT TRUMP WAS A MORON WHO WATCHES "FOX & FRIENDS," BUT MAYBE HE'S A MORON BECAUSE HE 150 00:11:05,231 --> 00:11:09,803 WATCHES "FOX& FRIENDS. AND IT WILL OT SHOCK YOU TO LEARN TRUMP ALSO IGNORED OBAMA'S 151 00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:14,507 ADVICE AND SCREAM-TWEETED LAST NIGHT, AND THEN AGAIN THIS MORNING, "I WON THE ELECTION." 152 00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:18,445 YOU CAN SCREAM IT ALL YOU WANT, DOESN'T MAKE IT TRUE I'M STARTING TO GET A REAL 153 00:11:18,445 --> 00:11:22,148 CAMERON CROWE VIBE FROM TRUMP. NEXT HE'S GOING TO STAND ON THE ROOF OF THE WHITE HOUSE, SCREAM, 154 00:11:22,148 --> 00:11:24,818 "I AM A GOLDEN GOD," AND JUMP INTO A POOL, EXCEPT IT'S GOING TO GO LIKE THIS. 155 00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:24,851 INTO A POOL, EXCEPT IT'S GOING TO GO LIKE THIS. 156 00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:31,558 [ GROANING ] Seth: IT'S A FUN CLIP 157 00:11:31,558 --> 00:11:36,262 LET US HAVE THIS SO, TRUMP'S DOUSING AMERICAN DEMOCRACY IN KEROSENE AND 158 00:11:36,262 --> 00:11:40,200 LIGHTING A MATCH BEFORE OUR EYES NOW, AS WE ALL KNOW, IT'S NOT 159 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:43,169 UNUSUAL TO SEE HIM SWING WILDLY BACK AND FORTH FROM ONE EXTREME TO THE OTHER 160 00:11:43,169 --> 00:11:48,108 HE'S LIKE THE KILLER IN A LIFETIME MOVIE WHO OFFERS TO LAY HIS COAT DOWN OVER A PUDDLE IN 161 00:11:48,108 --> 00:11:52,445 ONE SCENE, AND THEN, TWO SCENES LATER, SHOWS UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT STARING AT YOU THROUGH 162 00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:56,916 THE WINDOW, SWAYING BACK AND FORTH FOR SOME REASON. "WE HAVE TO TALK, JENNIFER 163 00:11:56,916 --> 00:12:00,053 BUT FIRST, CAN I USE YOUR BATHROOM IT WAS A LONG CAB RIDE AND I 164 00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:03,957 DRANK A WHOLE GATORADE." IF HE EVER DOES CONCEDE, CAN HE USE THAT TIME TO EXPLAIN HIS 165 00:12:03,957 --> 00:12:08,962 POSTURE TO US? "MY CENTER OF GRAVITY IS OFF BECAUSE MY SHOULDERS EXTEND 166 00:12:08,962 --> 00:12:14,100 BEYOND MY FEET DOCTORS CALL IT BALCONY CLAVICLE." 167 00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:18,905 FOR EXAMPLE, AFTER WEEKS OF THINKING HE HAD THE POWER TO MAGICALLY CALL DIBS ON STATES BY 168 00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:23,076 USING WORDS LIKE "HEREBY" AND "THEREFORE" AND DECLARE HIMSELF THE WINNER OF THE ELECTION, HE 169 00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:26,546 HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE ON THE CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC IN THE ROSE GARDEN 170 00:12:26,546 --> 00:12:31,251 OF COURSE, RUDY GIULIANI WASN'T THERE BECAUSE HE WAS AT THE ROSE GARDEN CAFE AND DELICATESSEN IN 171 00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:34,320 SCHENECTADY, NEW YORK. "THIS HAS TO BE THE PLACE. IT SAYS ON THE MENU, 'THERE'S 172 00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:42,395 ONLY ONE ROSE GARDEN!' AND AT THE PRESS CONFERENCE, TRUMP CAME EXCRUTIATINGLY CLOSE 173 00:12:42,395 --> 00:12:46,766 TO ADMITTING THAT HE HAD IN FACT LOST THE ELECTION AND THAT JOE BIDEN WOULD BE THE NEXT 174 00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:47,600 PRESIDENT BEFORE HE CAUGHT HIMSELF. 175 00:12:48,168 --> 00:12:52,339 IDEALLY, WE WON'T GO TO A LOCKDOWN -- I WILL NOT GO -- THIS ADMINISTRATION WILL NOT BE 176 00:12:52,339 --> 00:12:57,711 GOING TO A LOCKDOWN. HOPEFULLY THE -- WHATEVER HAPPENS IN THE FUTURE -- WHO 177 00:12:57,711 --> 00:12:59,546 KNOWS WHICH ADMINISTRATION WILL BE I GUESS TIME WILL TELL 178 00:12:59,546 --> 00:13:03,850 Seth: "TIME WILL TELL?" THAT'S LIKE SAYING WE'RE GOING TO GIVE 110% AT THE POSTGAME 179 00:13:03,850 --> 00:13:10,056 PRESS CONFERENCE IT'S OVER AND YOU LOST I REMEMBER BECAUSE I WAS ON MY 180 00:13:10,056 --> 00:13:11,925 COUCH WATCHING CABLE NEWS FOR ALL OF IT. I WAS CLICKING BACK AND FORTH 181 00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:15,962 BETWEEN JOHN KING AND STEVE KORNACKI SO FAST, THEY STARTED TO BLUR TOGETHER INTO 182 00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:20,233 ONE GUY WHO LOOKED LIKE J. PETERMAN WITH GLASSES, OR THE eHARMONY GUY 183 00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:24,804 I MEMORIZED THE NAMES OF EVERY COUNTY IN GEORGIA AND PENNSYLVANIA 184 00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:29,075 WHEN I GO TO THE GROCERY STORE NOW, I ASK THE CASHIER, "ARE THOSE APPLES FROM DeKALB OR 185 00:13:29,075 --> 00:13:33,213 ALLEGHENY? ALSO, THERE'S SOMETHING VERY WEIRD ABOUT SUBDUED, 186 00:13:33,213 --> 00:13:36,082 NONCOMMITTAL TRUMP USUALLY HE YELLS AT US LIKE WE'RE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF A 187 00:13:36,082 --> 00:13:40,120 BUSY FREEWAY BUT NOW, SUDDENLY HE'S LIKE A HUSBAND HELPING HIS WIFE PICK 188 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:45,458 OUT SHOES IN A DEPARTMENT STORE. "UH, YOU KNOW, I THINK THEY -- THEY BOTH LOOK NICE. 189 00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:50,163 WHATEVER HAPPENS, YOU'LL BE FINE." THE SUDDENLY SUBDUED TONE WAS IN 190 00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:52,899 ITSELF A MAJOR SHIFT AND IT SEEMED LIKE MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, REALITY WAS SLOWLY 191 00:13:52,899 --> 00:13:56,536 DAWNING ON HIM ONE ADVISER EVEN TOLD THE "NEW YORK TIMES," "HE KNOWS IT'S 192 00:13:56,536 --> 00:14:00,106 OVER." THAT'S HOW IT'S ALWAYS BEEN WITH OUR WEREWOLF PRESIDENT 193 00:14:00,106 --> 00:14:04,611 HIS MOOD SHIFTS ARE CONSTANT A WEEK AGO, AFTER IT BECAME CLEAR THAT JOE BIDEN WON A 194 00:14:04,611 --> 00:14:08,214 DECISIVE AND RESOUNDING VICTORY IN BOTH THE POPULAR VOTE AND ELECTORAL COLLEGE, TRUMP 195 00:14:08,214 --> 00:14:12,352 REPEATEDLY TWEETED, "I WON." AND THEN SIX DAYS LATER I GUESS HE FORGOT THE LINE OF 196 00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:16,423 BULL[ BLEEP ] HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SELLING TO HIS SUPPORTERS, BECAUSE ON SUNDAY, HE BEGAN A 197 00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:20,060 TWEET BY ADMITTING OF BIDEN, QUOTE, "HE WON." AND HONESTLY, I'M NOT GOING TO 198 00:14:20,060 --> 00:14:24,831 READ YOU THE REST OF THE TWEET BECAUSE IT'S JUST THE PSYCHOTIC RAVINGS OF A WEIRDO RECLUSE 199 00:14:24,831 --> 00:14:28,101 HOLED UP IN HIS TAXPAYER-FUNDED HIDEOUT. LET'S JUST SAVOR FOR A MOMENT 200 00:14:28,101 --> 00:14:32,072 THE FACT THAT THE TWEET STARTED WITH, "HE WON. IT'S LIKE CRACKING OPEN "A TALE 201 00:14:32,072 --> 00:14:35,108 OF TWO CITIES" AND STOPPING AFTER "IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES. 202 00:14:35,108 --> 00:14:38,712 I WILL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT, MR. DICKENS, AND GO ABOUT MY DAY. 203 00:14:38,712 --> 00:14:43,783 AND THEN, REALIZING HIS MISTAKE, TRUMP WENT ON YET ANOTHER ONE OF HIS TRADEMARK TWITTER BENDERS, 204 00:14:43,783 --> 00:14:47,554 WHERE HE CLAIMED THE ELECTION WAS RIGGED, OBSESSIVELY RETWEETED CLIPS FROM FOX NEWS 205 00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:51,091 AND SCREAM-TWEETED "I CONCEDE NOTHING. SOUNDS LIKE HE JUST LOST A 206 00:14:51,091 --> 00:14:55,428 CHALLENGE IN SCRABBLE AFTER PUTTING DOWN THE WORD "QUARF." "QUARF 207 00:14:55,428 --> 00:15:00,467 IT MEANS TO QUIETLY BARF YOU DO IT WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO RUIN THE DINNER PARTY. 208 00:15:00,467 --> 00:15:03,536 THESE SWEETBREADS ARE DELICIOUS. WHAT ARE THEY? LAMB THROAT? 209 00:15:03,536 --> 00:15:10,043 QUARF. NOW AS WE TOLD YOU LAST WEEK, TRUMP'S MELTDOWN HAS IN LARGE 210 00:15:10,043 --> 00:15:14,114 PART BEEN A FUNDRAISING SCAM HIS CAMPAIGN HAS BEEN BOMBARDING SUPPORTERS WITH TEXTS AND 211 00:15:14,114 --> 00:15:18,485 EMAILS, NOT JUST SOLICITING BUT DEMANDING DONATIONS TO SUPPOSEDLY DEFEND THE INTEGRITY 212 00:15:18,485 --> 00:15:22,856 OF THE ELECTION. ONE SUCH E-MAIL READ, "THIS IS YOUR FINAL NOTICE. 213 00:15:22,856 --> 00:15:27,460 SO FAR, YOU IGNORED ALL OUR E-MAILS ASKING YOU TO JOIN US IN DEFENDING THE ELECTION 214 00:15:27,460 --> 00:15:33,366 YOU'VE IGNORED TEAM TRUMP, ERIC, LARA, DON, THE VICE PRESIDENT AND YOU'VE EVEN IGNORED THE 215 00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:38,071 PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES." I FEEL LIKE I'M SUPPOSED TO READ THAT WHILE I'M TAKING OFF BLACK 216 00:15:38,071 --> 00:15:42,542 LEATHER GLOVES ONE FINGER AT A TIME "YOU HAVE IGNORED OUR WARNINGS 217 00:15:42,542 --> 00:15:49,749 FOR THE LAST TIME. NOW, YOU WILL PAY. WE TAKE VENMO. 218 00:15:49,749 --> 00:16:00,260 DO YOU HAV A PEN IT'S @MAGA-$$!" I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, IF I GOT A 219 00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:03,430 TEXT OR E-MAIL FROM ANYONE THAT BEGAN WITH "THIS IS YOUR FINAL NOTICE," I'D LOCK MY DOOR, GRAB 220 00:16:03,430 --> 00:16:08,034 THE BASEBALL BAT UNDER MY BED, AND CALL MY STRONGEST FRIEND, WHO, UNFORTUNATELY, IN THIS 221 00:16:08,034 --> 00:16:11,071 CASE, IS FRED ARMISEN. HEY, FRED. I JUST GOT A THREATENING E-MAIL 222 00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:14,040 FROM THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN. CAN YOU COME OVER AND STAY WITH ME 223 00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:15,775 Fred: SETH, MY GOD, YES, OF COURSE I'LL BE RIGHT OVER 224 00:16:15,775 --> 00:16:18,845 I'VE BEEN PRACTICING THIS NEW MARTIAL ART. IT'S CALLED CHAI TEA 225 00:16:18,845 --> 00:16:21,614 Seth: OOH, I THINK YOU MEAN TAI CHI. Fred: OH, NO, I THINK I'VE 226 00:16:21,614 --> 00:16:24,684 JUST MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE THERE HE IS WE'RE GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS, 227 00:16:24,684 --> 00:16:27,153 DRUMMER BOY. Fred: NO, NO, NO, NO, WAIT! [ DIAL TONE 228 00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:35,462 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] Seth: SO, THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN HAS ESSENTIALLY BEEN TRYING TO 229 00:16:35,462 --> 00:16:37,630 HARASS ITS SUPPORTERS INTO GIVING THEM MONEY TO DEFEND THE ELECTION 230 00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:40,367 BUT AS IT TURNS OUT, IN THE FINE PRINT, MOST OF THE MONEY JUST GOES TO TRUMP AND THE REPUBLICAN 231 00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:40,800 GOES TO TRUMP AND THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE 232 00:16:42,602 --> 00:16:46,272 REUTERS REPORT 233 00:16:46,272 --> 00:16:50,310 AND IT SAYS, "SMALL DOLLAR DONATIONS FROM TRUMP'S GRASSROOTS DONORS WON'T BE GOING 234 00:16:50,310 --> 00:16:56,783 TO LEGAL EXPENSES. A DONOR WOULD HAVE TO GIVE MORE THAN $8,000 BEFORE ANY MONEY 235 00:16:56,783 --> 00:17:03,223 GOES TO THE RECOUNT ACCOUNT, ESTABLISHED TO FINANCE ELECTION CHALLENGES 236 00:17:03,223 --> 00:17:08,128 A LARGE PORTION OF THE MONEY GOES TO SAVE AMERICA, A TRUMP LEADERSHIP P.A.C., AND THE 237 00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:09,796 REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE. Seth: YOU HAVE TO AT LEAST GIVE TRUMP CREDIT FOR 238 00:17:09,796 --> 00:17:16,236 CONSISTENCY. EVERYTHING HE DOES IS A SCAM, AND THIS ONE IS NO DIFFERENT 239 00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:22,042 HE WENT FROM TRUMP VITAMINS TO TRUMP UNIVERSITY TO TRUMP RECOUNT. 240 00:17:22,042 --> 00:17:23,777 THEY SHOULD JUST SEND OUT E-MAILS PROMISING FREE TARGET GIFT CARDS IF YOU SEND HIM YOUR 241 00:17:23,777 --> 00:17:25,445 BIRTHDAY, DEBIT CARD P.I.N., AND SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER IT'S SO PERFECT THAT TRUMP'S 242 00:17:25,445 --> 00:17:30,216 PRESIDENCY ENDS WITH HIM SCAMMING NOT ALL OF HIS DONORS BUT JUST THE SMALL DONORS, THE 243 00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:34,487 ONES WHO GIVE LESS THAN $8,000 IF YOU'RE A RICH GUY OR A GIANT COMPANY THAT GIVES HIM MONEY OR 244 00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:39,392 ENDORSES HIM, HE'LL PUT YOU IN HIS CABINET OR HE'LL INVITE YOU TO HIS GOLF COURSE, OR STAGE A 245 00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:44,864 BIZARRE PHOTO OP IN THE OVAL OFFICE WHERE HE WOLFS DOWN A CAN OF UNCOOKED BEANS AND SMILES 246 00:17:44,864 --> 00:17:48,368 LIKE JAMES BOND JUST POURED STRYCHNINE INTO HIS DIET COKE. BUT IF YOU'RE ONE OF HIS REGULAR 247 00:17:48,368 --> 00:17:52,639 SUPPORTERS, HE'LL PACK YOU INTO AN AIRPLANE HANGAR FULL OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE, AMID A 248 00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:56,176 DEADLY PLAGUE, LIKE A CROWD OF METS FANS TRYING TO CATCH THE 7 TRAIN BACK TO THE CITY AFTER 249 00:17:56,176 --> 00:18:00,847 THE SIXTH INNING "AH, REALLY THOUGH BOBBY BONILLA BOBBLEHEAD DAY WOULD HAVE A 250 00:18:00,847 --> 00:18:04,751 HAPPIER ENDING." FUN FACT, METS BOBBLEHEADS ARE THE ONLY ONES THAT SHAKE THEIR 251 00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:14,060 HEADS LIKE THIS. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] IT'S JUST LIKE TRUMP'S TAX CUTS. 252 00:18:14,060 --> 00:18:17,030 WHEN HE KEPT PROMISING IT WOULD BE A BOON TO THE MIDDLE CLASS, AND THEN AT THE LAST MINUTE, 253 00:18:17,030 --> 00:18:21,701 REPUBLICANS SCRIBBLED INTO THE MARGINS A BUNCH OF OPAQUE FOOTNOTES THAT, FOR ALL I KNOW, 254 00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:26,840 ALLOWED HEDGE FUNDS TO HIDE THE PROFITS IN LOCK BOXES BURIED UNDER PALM TREES IN THE CAYMAN 255 00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:30,877 ISLANDS AND GAVE AMAZON A TAX CREDIT FOR EVERY PACKAGE IT SQUEEZED INTO YOUR MAILBOX, 256 00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:34,914 DESPITE THE FACT THAT IT'S OBVIOUSLY NOT GONNA FIT. IT'S AN INSTANT POT. 257 00:18:34,914 --> 00:18:40,387 JUST LEAVE IT IN THE VESTIBULE THE POINT IS, TRUMP FORGET THE SCAM FOR A MINUTE WHEN HE 258 00:18:40,387 --> 00:18:43,056 ACCIDENTALLY TWEETED THAT BIDEN WON, OR WHEN HE BRIEFLY SLIPPED INTO ALMOST ACKNOWLEDGING THAT 259 00:18:43,056 --> 00:18:48,161 HE WAS ON HIS WAY OUT DURING HIS ROSE GARDEN PRESS CONFERENCE HE'S LIKE THE ONE MEMBER OF THE 260 00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:51,898 BANK HEIST WHO GETS TOO HOT AND TAKES OFF HIS MASK "OH, I NEED TO BREATHE FOR A 261 00:18:51,898 --> 00:18:55,368 SECOND WAIT, ARE THERE CAMERAS IN HERE? KEVIN? 262 00:18:55,368 --> 00:18:57,771 YOU SAID THERE WOULDN'T BE CAMERAS IN HERE. ANSWER HE ME RIGHT NOW, 263 00:18:57,771 --> 00:19:02,809 KEVIN MULLIGAN THAT'S YOUR FULL NAME. TRUMP'S VOTER FRAUD LIES ARE 264 00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:07,013 JUST LIKE HIS BIRTHER LIES HIS GOAL WAS NEVER TO ACTUALLY SEE OBAMA'S BIRTH CERTIFICATE. 265 00:19:07,013 --> 00:19:11,317 AND NOW, HIS GOAL ISN'T TO ACTUALLY PROVE VOTER FRAUD TRUMP AND THE REPUBLICAN PARTY 266 00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:16,022 JUST WANT TO CREATE A FALSE MYTHOLOGY THAT WILL ANIMATE THEIR SUPPORTERS EVEN AFTER HE 267 00:19:16,022 --> 00:19:22,929 LEAVES OFFICE. TRUMP KNOWS RACISM AND PARANOID CONSPIRACY THEORIES WILL KEEP 268 00:19:22,929 --> 00:19:24,531 THEM MOBILIZED AND PRIMED FOR WHATEVER HIS NEXT SCAM IS. AS FOR WHAT THAT IS -- 269 00:19:24,531 --> 00:19:24,564 WHATEVER HIS NEXT SCAM IS. AS FOR WHAT THAT IS -- 270 00:19:24,698 --> 00:19:25,899 I GUESS TIME WILL TELL. Seth: THIS HAS BEEN "A CLOSER 271 00:19:25,899 --> 00:19:30,203 LOOK." * WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE 272 00:19:30,203 --> 00:19:42,148 "LATE NIGHT. * Announcer: FOR MORE OF SETH'S 273 00:19:42,148 --> 00:19:43,116 * Announcer: FOR MORE OF SETH'S "CLOSER LOOKS," BE SURE TO 274 00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:03,036 IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS, KAMALA HARRIS WILL BECOME THE FIRST FEMALE VICE PRESIDENT OF 275 00:20:03,036 --> 00:20:05,538 THE UNITED STATES AND WOMEN EVERYWHERE - WOW 276 00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:10,243 KAMALA HARRIS. ANOTHER THING TO ADD TO HER LIST OF ACCOMPLISHMENTS 277 00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:14,514 Seth: SORRY, EVERYBODY. THIS IS ONE OF OUR WRITERS, DINA GUSOVSKY. 278 00:20:14,514 --> 00:20:18,952 DINA, WHY ARE YOU NOT EXCITED ABOUT KAMALA HARRIS? IS IT BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT A FAN 279 00:20:18,952 --> 00:20:23,156 OF HER POLICY POSITIONS? NO. Seth: IS IT BECAUSE IT'S 280 00:20:23,156 --> 00:20:26,092 RIDICULOUS WE HAVE NEVER HAD A FEMALE VICE PRESIDENT, LET ALONE PRESIDENT? 281 00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:30,463 NOT REALLY. Seth: SO, THEN, WHAT IS IT? ALL RIGHT, FINE 282 00:20:30,463 --> 00:20:35,602 I'M JUST JEALOUS, OKAY Seth: WELL, THERE'S NO NEED TO BE JEALOUS. 283 00:20:35,602 --> 00:20:38,905 I MEAN, YOU COULD RUN FOR OFFICE ONE DAY, TOO HOW COME KAMALA HARRIS FOUND 284 00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:42,275 A JEWISH MAN TO MARRY AND I CAN'T. Seth: OH, BOY 285 00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:47,414 DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND AN ELIGIBLE, SINGLE, JEWISH MALE TO MARRY? 286 00:20:47,414 --> 00:20:49,949 AND KAMALA HARRIS IS ALREADY A SENATOR. NOW, SHE GETS TO BE VICE 287 00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:54,421 PRESIDENT. DOESN'T SHE HAVE ENOUGH? COME ON. 288 00:20:54,421 --> 00:20:59,759 LEAVE SOME MENSHAS FOR THE TRENCHES Seth: LOOK DINA, SENATOR 289 00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:04,164 HARRIS' HUSBAND DOUG EMHOFF IS ABOUT TO BECOME THE FIRST SECOND GENTLEMAN OF THE UNITED STATES 290 00:21:04,164 --> 00:21:06,666 AND HE'S JEWISH. I MEAN, WOULDN'T THAT BE A HISTORIC MOMENT FOR THE JEWISH 291 00:21:06,666 --> 00:21:13,440 PEOPLE SORRY, SETH, I DIDN'T HEAR MOST OF WHAT YOU SAID. 292 00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:17,577 I GOT A LITTLE DISTRACTED AFTER YOU SAID THE NAME, DOUG EMHOFF WOO. 293 00:21:17,577 --> 00:21:20,980 IS IT HOT IN HERE? OR IS IT JUST ME Seth: REALLY? 294 00:21:20,980 --> 00:21:26,219 YOU THINK DOUG EMHOFF IS HOT ARE YOU SERIOUS LOOK AT HIM. 295 00:21:26,219 --> 00:21:30,590 THE MAN IS A STONE-COLD HUNK I MEAN, CAN YOU BLAME ME FOR BEING JEALOUS? 296 00:21:30,590 --> 00:21:36,329 Seth: THAT GUY? SETH, HE CHECKS ALL MY BOXES. SUCCESSFUL CORPORATE LITIGATOR 297 00:21:36,329 --> 00:21:39,766 CHECK. GROWN CHILDREN WHO ARE ALREADY OUT OF THE HOUSE 298 00:21:39,766 --> 00:21:46,573 CHECK. AND I MEAN, COME ON. THE GRAYING TEMPLES, THE BROAD 299 00:21:46,573 --> 00:21:52,445 BUT SOFT SHOULDERS, THE POLISHED SMILE THAT SAYS, "I PERSONALLY KNOW AN ORTHODONTIST." 300 00:21:52,445 --> 00:21:57,150 MM, MM, MM Seth: WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT GUY TURNS YOU ON. 301 00:21:57,150 --> 00:22:01,321 SETH, I DON'T WANT TO GET TOO GRAPHIC. BUT RIGHT NOW, COMPARED TO ME, 302 00:22:01,321 --> 00:22:05,258 CARDI B. IS LIKE THE KALAHARI DESERT Seth: DINA, THAT WAS 303 00:22:05,258 --> 00:22:11,698 EXTREMELY GRAPHIC. SETH, I AM NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE BY THE FACT I KNOW HOW 304 00:22:11,698 --> 00:22:18,571 TO PAINT PICTURES WITH WORDS LOOK, I GUESS KAMALA HARRIS BEING VICE PRESIDENT ISN'T ALL 305 00:22:18,571 --> 00:22:24,477 BAD. Seth: WHY NOT WELL, IT WOULD GIVE ME A LOT 306 00:22:24,477 --> 00:22:26,146 TO COMPLAIN ABOUT AND AS A JEW, THAT'S BASICALLY AN IDEAL SCENARIO 307 00:22:26,146 --> 00:22:27,647 Seth: DINA GUSOVSKY, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH 308 00:22:27,647 --> 00:22:55,408 KALEY CUOCO. * Seth: SITTING IN WITH US THIS 309 00:22:55,408 --> 00:23:03,183 WEEK, SHE'S THE DRUMMER FOR POP ARTIST, HAYLEY KIYOKO & MILK HER NEW PODCAST, "GAY CHURCH," 310 00:23:03,183 --> 00:23:06,886 IS OUT NOW, AND BE SURE TO FOLLOW HER ON YOUTUBE AND INSTAGRAM @SEEVALDRUM. 311 00:23:06,886 --> 00:23:11,558 VALERIE FRANCO IS HERE WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW, VAL. OUR FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS A 312 00:23:11,558 --> 00:23:16,596 TALENTED ACTRESS YOU KNOW FROM SHOWS SUCH AS, "8 SIMPLE RULES" AND "THE BIG BANG THEORY." 313 00:23:16,596 --> 00:23:20,333 SHE BOTH STARS IN AND EXECTIVE PRODUCES THE LIMITED SERIES, "THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT," WHICH 314 00:23:20,333 --> 00:23:22,135 PREMIERES ON HBO MAX ON NOVEMBER 26th. LET'S TAKE A LOOK. 315 00:23:22,135 --> 00:23:22,168 NOVEMBER 26th. LET'S TAKE A LOOK. 316 00:23:26,606 --> 00:23:27,741 I DON'T -- THIS PLACE IS SO PRETTY - 317 00:23:27,741 --> 00:23:29,409 YEAH, NO. WHERE I AM. OKAY. 318 00:23:29,409 --> 00:23:35,415 THAT'S NOT AN ANSWER BANGKOK. OH, SPEAKING OF GETTING ARRESTED 319 00:23:35,415 --> 00:23:40,854 IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES, DO NOT GET ARRESTED THERE THE LAWS ARE BYZANTINE 320 00:23:40,854 --> 00:23:45,458 RIGHT YEAH HOW DID YOU -- HOW DID YOU KNOW 321 00:23:45,458 --> 00:23:50,263 THAT I'M IN BANGKOK? OH, WHEN WE ALL TOOK THAT GIRLS TRIP TO TULOOM, WE TURNED 322 00:23:50,263 --> 00:23:54,634 ON OUR FIND FRIEND THING, 'CAUSE, KIDNAPPING AND, YEAH, YOU JUST NEVER TURNED 323 00:23:54,634 --> 00:23:59,439 YOURSELF, SO LISTEN, YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY IN TROUBLE OR SOMETHING ARE YOU 324 00:23:59,439 --> 00:24:07,113 NO. I'M HUNGOVER IN THAILAND Seth: PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO 325 00:24:07,113 --> 00:24:13,453 THE SHOW, KALEY CUOCO. HOW ARE YOU KALEY? HEY, SETH 326 00:24:13,453 --> 00:24:19,359 Seth: IT'S SO NICE TO SEE YOU. I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT THIS 327 00:24:19,359 --> 00:24:20,727 SHOW I WATCHED THE FIRST EPISODE. IT'S GREAT 328 00:24:20,727 --> 00:24:22,228 BUT I DO -- I WANT TO ASK, I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN SPENDING TIME QUARANTINING 329 00:24:22,228 --> 00:24:25,832 HOW IS LIFE IN ISOLATION BEEN FOR YOU? YOU KNOW WHAT 330 00:24:25,832 --> 00:24:30,837 I THINK LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, MINE IS SURROUNDED BY A LOT OF DOGS AND A LOT OF ALCOHOL. 331 00:24:30,837 --> 00:24:33,106 SO, IT'S BEEN OKAY Seth: UH-HUH. YOU KNOW? 332 00:24:33,106 --> 00:24:37,177 BUT YEAH WE'RE JUST HANGING IN THERE. I FEEL LIKE I'VE QUARANTINED 333 00:24:37,177 --> 00:24:41,981 MULTIPLE TIMES I'VE BEEN IN MULTIPLE PLACES OVER THE PAST FEW MONTHS AND 334 00:24:41,981 --> 00:24:43,350 I'VE REALLY GIVEN ALL MY IN QUARANTINE LET ME TELL YOU, I'VE BEEN 335 00:24:43,350 --> 00:24:46,619 COMMITTED. Seth: WELL, SOCIETY -- ON BEHALF OF SOCIETY, I THANK YOU 336 00:24:46,619 --> 00:24:50,390 FOR DOING THAT YOU MENTIONED DOGS YOU ADOPTED A DOG RECENTLY 337 00:24:50,390 --> 00:24:55,762 DUMPY. YES Seth: HERE'S DUMPY FOR 338 00:24:55,762 --> 00:24:58,932 EVERYBODY. [ LAUGHING ] THAT IS SIR DUMP TRUCK. 339 00:24:58,932 --> 00:25:04,304 I GOT HIM OVER MY -- OVER THE FIRST QUARANTINE, MANY MONTHS AGO. 340 00:25:04,304 --> 00:25:08,341 HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A FOSTER AND I TURNED INTO A FOSTER FAIL. I TURNED INTO A GIRL WITH A DOG 341 00:25:08,341 --> 00:25:13,880 AND A STROLLER, WHICH I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO BECOME. Seth: AND IT SHOULD BE NOTED, 342 00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:17,517 THESE -- THIS STROLLER IS NOT JUST STATIONARY, AS IT IS IN THE PHOTO. 343 00:25:17,517 --> 00:25:19,085 HERE'S A QUICK VIDEO OF DUMPY DOING HIS THING IN A MOVING STROLLER 344 00:25:19,085 --> 00:25:19,119 DOING HIS THING IN A MOVING STROLLER 345 00:25:19,719 --> 00:25:22,522 NO. OH 346 00:25:22,522 --> 00:25:31,064 REALLY FEROCIOUS IN THIS STROLLER THAT DOG COULD KICK YOUR ASS 347 00:25:31,064 --> 00:25:35,635 Seth: SO, KALEY, TELL US HOW -- YOU KNOW, OBVIOUSLY, YOU MENTIONED YOU DIDN'T WANT TO 348 00:25:35,635 --> 00:25:41,074 TURN INTO THAT GIRL AND NOW HERE YOU ARE. DO YOU NOTICE -- DO YOU WATCH IT 349 00:25:41,074 --> 00:25:42,742 HAPPENING IN REAL-TIME, AS YOU SLOWLY REALIZE "I AM NOW A PERSON WHO HAS A DOG IN A 350 00:25:42,742 --> 00:25:45,378 STROLLER?" I DIDN'T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON 351 00:25:45,378 --> 00:25:49,115 YOU KNOW, WE HAVE MULTIPLE DOGS, NONE OF WHICH HAVE STROLLERS BUT I WAS IN NEW YORK FOR SO 352 00:25:49,115 --> 00:25:53,119 LONG SHOOTING. AND DUMPY WAS THERE AND HE'S OLDER, SO I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE 353 00:25:53,119 --> 00:25:57,290 EASIER TO GET OUT AND GET AROUND, RIGHT, IN THE STROLLER AND THE FUNNY PART IS, HE'S A 354 00:25:57,290 --> 00:26:04,030 VERY SCARED DOG. HE HAD A VERY TRAUMATIC LIFE BEFORE ME. 355 00:26:04,030 --> 00:26:05,865 IN THE STROLLER, HE HAS THIS BRAVERY AND SELF-ASSURANCE THAT I'VE NEVER -- AS YOU CAN SEE, HE 356 00:26:05,865 --> 00:26:08,768 BARKS. HE BECOMES COMPLETELY AGGRESSIVE IN THE STROLLER. 357 00:26:08,768 --> 00:26:13,373 I DON'T KNOW WHAT COMES OVER IN HIS BRAIN. Seth: WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT 358 00:26:13,373 --> 00:26:17,744 WE GOTTA LET DUMPY LIVE HIS BEST LIFE HE HAS SOME PAPARAZZI, AS WELL, 359 00:26:17,744 --> 00:26:24,417 YES? PEOPLE ARE EXCITED TO SEE DUMPY ON THE STREETS 360 00:26:24,417 --> 00:26:28,355 OH, MY GOD. I'M TELLING YOU. SO WE WERE IN -- I WAS LIVING IN 361 00:26:28,355 --> 00:26:30,056 TRIBECA WHICH IS A VERY -- YOU KNOW, IT'S PRETTY -- AND THERE ARE A LOT CELEBS 362 00:26:30,056 --> 00:26:33,159 AROUND AND PAPA -- NOT -- JUST A LOT OF PAPARAZZI AND I REALIZED, EVERY TIME I'D 363 00:26:33,159 --> 00:26:36,896 COME DOWN EARLY IN THE MORNING TO TAKE DUMPY OUT TO THE BATHROOM, THERE WAS PAPARAZZI. 364 00:26:36,896 --> 00:26:44,204 AND I'M THINKING, "OH, MY GOD. THEY JUST WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE." WELL, AN ARTICLE THAT CAME OUT A 365 00:26:44,204 --> 00:26:46,172 FEW DAYS LATER THAT MY GIRLFRIEND SENT ME AND IT SAID, "DUMP TRUCK GOES TO THE BATHROOM 366 00:26:46,172 --> 00:26:53,179 WITH BLONDE OWNER. HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. THEY WERE THERE TO SEE THE DUMPY 367 00:26:53,179 --> 00:27:00,286 IN THE - Seth: YOU KNOW THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO GET A T-SHIRT THAT SAYS 368 00:27:00,286 --> 00:27:02,355 "BLONDE OWNER," RIGHT? BLONDE OWNER. [ LAUGHTER ] 369 00:27:02,355 --> 00:27:05,191 Seth: YOU GOTTA DO IT YOU GOTTA MAKE IT EASY FOR THEM. YEAH. 370 00:27:05,191 --> 00:27:08,695 NO ONE CARED IT WAS ME THEY FOLLOWED -- THEY WERE FOLLOWING US ALL OVER NEW YORK 371 00:27:08,695 --> 00:27:15,702 AND I REALIZED THEY WERE TRYING TO GET ALL OF THE PHOTOS OF DUMPY IN THE STROLLER. 372 00:27:15,702 --> 00:27:18,638 HE BECAME AN OVERNIGHT SUCCESS Seth: HOPEFULLY -- PLEASE DO NOT ALLOW YOUR PERSONAL JEALOUSY 373 00:27:18,638 --> 00:27:21,841 TOWARDS THAT TO DRIVE A WEDGE BETWEEN YOU AND DUMPY. I'M BEGGING OUT OF YOU 374 00:27:21,841 --> 00:27:28,048 I WAS PRETTY PISSED LET ME TELL YOU. I THOUGHT, THE NARCISSIST INSIDE 375 00:27:28,048 --> 00:27:32,318 ME THOUGHT EVERYONE WANTED TO SEE ME, BUT I WAS SORELY MISTAKEN 376 00:27:32,318 --> 00:27:37,457 Seth: SO, CONGRATS ON THE SHOW IT'S WEIRD TO SAY THIS SHOW IS 377 00:27:37,457 --> 00:27:44,130 FUN BECAUSE, SPOILER ALERT, SOME VERY DARK THINGS HAPPEN. BUT, TONALLY, IT IS -- I DON'T 378 00:27:44,130 --> 00:27:48,168 KNOW THERE'S A NICE ENERGY TO IT. I ASSUME GETTING THE TONE RIGHT 379 00:27:48,168 --> 00:27:56,176 WAS A MASSIVE PART OF THE SHOW THAT YOU'RE ALSO A PRODUCER ON I GOTTA TELL YOU, THE AMOUNT 380 00:27:56,176 --> 00:27:57,911 OF CONVERSATIONS WE HAD ABOUT THE WORD TONE - Seth: YEAH. 381 00:27:57,911 --> 00:28:04,017 OVER THE LAST YEAR, IT'S PRETTY -- I DIDN'T THINK I COULD SAY THAT WORD SO MANY TIMES OR 382 00:28:04,017 --> 00:28:07,020 HEAR OTHER PEOPLE SAY THAT WORD SO MANY TIMES. I WISH I HAD PICKED A CLEARER 383 00:28:07,020 --> 00:28:15,295 TONE OF A PROJECT FOR MY FIRST PRODUCING VENTURE, BUT I PICKED A TRICKY ONE 384 00:28:15,295 --> 00:28:17,497 AND YES, IT'S DEFINITELY -- IT RIDES A WAVE OF ADVENTURE AND SADNESS. 385 00:28:17,497 --> 00:28:20,333 AND, OBVIOUSLY, THERE'S A BRUTAL MURDER BUT SINCE I CAN'T HELP BUT BE A 386 00:28:20,333 --> 00:28:25,905 LITTLE FUNNY HERE AND THERE, IT WAS DEFINITELY WRITTEN IN MY VOICE. 387 00:28:25,905 --> 00:28:31,811 Seth: YES BASE ON THE EPISODE I'VE SEEN, YOU THREAD THE NEEDLE VERY 388 00:28:31,811 --> 00:28:35,048 NICELY AND ALSO YOU HAD TO WORK AROUND, LIKE, A LOT OF PRODUCTIONS, THE 389 00:28:35,048 --> 00:28:38,585 PANDEMIC WE'RE LIVING THROUGH. YOU, SORT OF, GOT IN JUST UNDER THE WIRE BECAUSE YOU WERE 390 00:28:38,585 --> 00:28:42,088 SHOOTING IN ITALY, RIGHT WE WERE SHOOTING IN ITALY, YES. 391 00:28:42,088 --> 00:28:49,529 WE SHOT IN THAILAND AND ITALY. AND THEN, IN ITALY, WAS END OF JANUARY RIGHT BEFORE THINGS 392 00:28:49,529 --> 00:28:52,565 STARTED SHUTTING DOWN. SO, WE -- AND THEN, ALSO, WE HAD ALL THESE MONTHS OFF, LIKE 393 00:28:52,565 --> 00:28:58,071 EVERYBODY ELSE AND WE JUST WENT BACK AND FINISHED, WHICH WAS ALSO 394 00:28:58,071 --> 00:29:01,775 HILARIOUS BECAUSE THE SHOW TAKES PLACE IN WINTER IN NEW YORK. WE WENT BACK AND IT WAS 395 00:29:01,775 --> 00:29:05,712 BEAUTIFUL AND SUMMER AND EVERYONE IN THE BACKGROUND WAS WEARING MASKS. 396 00:29:05,712 --> 00:29:08,748 SO, IT WAS A VERY STRANGE -- WHEN WE LOOKED AT DAILIES WE WERE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD 397 00:29:08,748 --> 00:29:14,320 THAT GUY'S GOTTA A MASK ON." AND WE'RE TRYING TO SHIFT HOW WE WERE DOING EVERYTHING. 398 00:29:14,320 --> 00:29:22,295 Seth: AND YOU HAVE -- I THINK A LOT OF PRODUCTIONS HAVE RULES ABOUT THE NUMBER OF EXTRAS YOU 399 00:29:22,295 --> 00:29:23,730 CAN HAVE AND YOU HAVE TO DOUBLE-UP AND USE PEOPLE MORE THAN ONCE. 400 00:29:23,730 --> 00:29:27,167 THAT MUST MAKE THINGS TRICKY, AS WELL WE -- SO, YES 401 00:29:27,167 --> 00:29:33,039 SO WE OBVIOUSLY WERE TRYING TO MINIMIZE NEW PEOPLE IN AND OUT OF OUR SET 402 00:29:33,039 --> 00:29:37,610 SO WE HAVE SIX EXTRAS THAT WE USE FOR TWO AND A HALF MONTHS. AND WE KEPT PUTTING THEM IN 403 00:29:37,610 --> 00:29:39,312 DIFFERENT WIGS, DIFFERENT OUTFITS, KIND OF MIXING AND MATCHING THEM, ON THE PLANE, 404 00:29:39,312 --> 00:29:43,416 TOO. 'CAUSE WE HAD TO HAVE THEM ENTER THE PLANE. 405 00:29:43,416 --> 00:29:46,786 THESE PEOPLE LOOK LIKE THEY TAKE A LOT OF FLIGHTS, IF ANYBODY NOTICES. 406 00:29:46,786 --> 00:29:51,391 BUT IT WAS THE ONLY WAY WE COULD DO IT. SO WE -- WE DID OUR BEST 407 00:29:51,391 --> 00:29:57,630 Seth: YOU SHOULD DO ANOTHER SHOW, JUST ABOUT THESE SIX WEIRD PEOPLE THAT ARE CONSTANTLY GOING 408 00:29:57,630 --> 00:30:02,969 BACK AND FORTH FROM NEW YORK TO THAILAND YES 409 00:30:02,969 --> 00:30:04,938 Seth: IT WOULD BE FUNNY IT LOOKING VERY CREEPY. IT'S VERY STRANGE. 410 00:30:04,938 --> 00:30:06,373 BUT I COULD -- WHEN I WOULD WATCH DAILIES, I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD. 411 00:30:06,373 --> 00:30:08,775 YOU GUYS, WE HAD THOSE TWO PEOPLE TALK TO EACH OTHER IN THE LAST SCENE 412 00:30:08,775 --> 00:30:13,480 WE GOTTA MOVE THEM AROUND. Seth: WELL, IT ALL -- IT ALL WORKED OUT 413 00:30:13,480 --> 00:30:20,887 AND NOW, WE HAVE, COMING UP, THANKSGIVING, WHICH I THINK IS GOING TO BE, OBVIOUSLY, TRICKY 414 00:30:20,887 --> 00:30:23,757 AND DIFFERENT FOR EVERYBODY THIS YEAR YOU ALSO HAVE A BIRTHDAY COMING 415 00:30:23,757 --> 00:30:25,592 UP DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS? ARE YOU GONNA -- IS IT JUST 416 00:30:25,592 --> 00:30:28,328 GONNA BE YOU AND DUMPY SCROLLING THROUGH "DAILY MAIL" TO SEE IF YOUR PICTURES ARE IN THERE 417 00:30:28,328 --> 00:30:30,530 I'M HAVING A PARTY FOR 200 PEOPLE ON MY BIRTHDAY. Seth: I'M SO GLAD 418 00:30:30,530 --> 00:30:37,203 I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT IT Seth: HOPEFULLY -- HOPEFULLY JUST 200 PEOPLE WHO KNOW A LOT 419 00:30:37,203 --> 00:30:38,605 OF -- HAVE A LOT OF ELDERLY FRIENDS. I THINK THAT'S BEST. 420 00:30:38,605 --> 00:30:43,843 OH, EXACTLY THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING YEAH, FOR SURE 421 00:30:43,843 --> 00:30:46,813 FOR SURE Seth: HEY, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE 422 00:30:46,813 --> 00:30:50,183 THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR TIME IN QUARANTINE WE DO APPRECIATE EVERYBODY 423 00:30:50,183 --> 00:30:55,789 TAKING IT SERIOUSLY. LOVE TO DUMPY. WE ARE HOPING YOU CAN HELP US 424 00:30:55,789 --> 00:30:57,757 BOOK HIM AND ALL THE BEST, KALEY. I DIDN'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN. 425 00:30:57,757 --> 00:31:02,562 THANK YOU. Seth: BE WELL THE FIRST THREE EPISODES OF 426 00:31:02,562 --> 00:31:07,467 "THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT" WILL BE AVAILABLE ON THANKSGIVING DAY. A GREAT WAY TO SPEND SOME TIME 427 00:31:07,467 --> 00:31:29,422 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH OUR FRIEND, CAZZIE DAVID * 428 00:31:29,422 --> 00:31:33,693 Seth: OUR NEXT GUEST IS A VERY FUNNY WRITER AND ACTRESS WHOSE WORK HAS APPEARED IN 429 00:31:33,693 --> 00:31:37,297 "VANITY FAIR" AND "VOGUE" AND WHO CREATED AND STARRED IN THE ACCLAIMED WEB SERIES 430 00:31:37,297 --> 00:31:41,101 "EIGHTY-SIXED. HER BOOK "NO ONE ASKED FOR THIS" GOES ON SALE TOMORROW. 431 00:31:41,101 --> 00:31:45,705 PLEASE WELCOME TO THE SHOW, MY FRIEND CAZZIE DAVID. HOW ARE YOU, CAZZIE? 432 00:31:45,705 --> 00:31:48,108 HEY, I'M HANGING IN THERE HOW ARE YOU? Seth: I'M WONDERFUL 433 00:31:48,108 --> 00:31:52,278 I'M VERY HONORED THIS IS YOUR FIRST TALK SHOW APPEARANCE 434 00:31:52,278 --> 00:31:57,317 AND I'M WONDERING IF YOU THINK YOU WOULD BE MORE NERVOUS IF YOU WERE HERE IN PERSON OR IF YOU'RE 435 00:31:57,317 --> 00:32:03,289 PREFERRING DOING IT ON ZOOM? THERE'S JUST NO WORLD WHERE I COULD HAVE DONE THIS IN PERSON, 436 00:32:03,289 --> 00:32:08,228 CONSIDERING HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW. BUT THE BAD PART ABOUT THIS IS 437 00:32:08,228 --> 00:32:11,398 THAT I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING SADDER THAN A WOMAN BEING FULLY DRESSED AND IN 438 00:32:11,398 --> 00:32:16,670 MAKEUP ON ZOOM IN HER LIVING ROOM SO, YEAH 439 00:32:16,670 --> 00:32:21,374 YOU KNOW, THERE'S BAD SIDES TO BOTH Seth: NOW, YOU'RE ONE OF THE 440 00:32:21,374 --> 00:32:24,644 REASONS YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT THIS, YOU WERE TELLING ME, IS THAT YOU'RE AFRAID THAT PEOPLE 441 00:32:24,644 --> 00:32:33,586 WILL BE JUDGMENTAL, BASED HOW YOU EXECUTE THIS INTERVIEW BUT THAT COMES FROM A PLACE OF 442 00:32:33,586 --> 00:32:36,756 SOMETHING THAT YOU DO TO OTHER PEOPLE YEAH. 443 00:32:36,756 --> 00:32:39,726 I'M UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT WHAT MOST PEOPLE DO, ESPECIALLY ME, IS WHEN THEY DON'T KNOW IF 444 00:32:39,726 --> 00:32:44,197 THEY LIKE OR HATE A CELEBRITY YET, IS THAT THEY GO ONLINE AND LOOK UP A "LATE NIGHT" CLIP, AND 445 00:32:44,197 --> 00:32:49,336 THEN, THEY DECIDE FROM THERE AND THEN, WHENEVER THAT PERSON IS BROUGHT UP IN THE FUTURE AND 446 00:32:49,336 --> 00:32:51,204 THEY SAY, "WHY DON'T YOU LIKE THEM?" YOU JUST SAW, "OH, I JUST SAW 447 00:32:51,204 --> 00:32:53,273 THEM ON 'SETH MEYERS' AND THEY WERE SO ANNOYING." [ LAUGHTER ] 448 00:32:53,273 --> 00:32:58,211 FOR SOME REASON, THAT'S LIKE A VALID REASON SO, I'M GETTING KARMA RIGHT NOW. 449 00:32:58,211 --> 00:33:04,317 AND, ALSO YEAH, THEY COULD BE ALREADY DECIDING Seth: YOU YOURSELF DESCRIBED 450 00:33:04,317 --> 00:33:08,488 IN THE BOOK, AS BEING SOMEONE WHO IS NEUROTIC. AND TAKING ON WRITING ABOUT 451 00:33:08,488 --> 00:33:13,727 YOURSELF IN A BOOK, SEEMED TO BE SOMETHING THAT WOULD MAYBE SPIRAL YOU OUT 452 00:33:13,727 --> 00:33:19,432 DID YOU FIND THAT WAS THE CASE OR DID YOU ENJOY TAKING THAT JOURNEY? 453 00:33:19,432 --> 00:33:24,337 WELL, YOU KNOW, THEY SAY TO WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW. AND I DIDN'T HAVE MUCH OF A 454 00:33:24,337 --> 00:33:29,709 CHOICE BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ELSE, SETH. BUT REALLY, THE ONLY REASON I 455 00:33:29,709 --> 00:33:35,148 WAS ABLE TO GET SO PERSONAL WAS BECAUSE I JUST PRETENDED THAT NO ONE WOULD EVER READ IT 456 00:33:35,148 --> 00:33:39,652 SO I DID REVEAL ALL OF MY DEEPEST INSECURITIES AND THEN TIME CAME WHEN I HAD TO 457 00:33:39,652 --> 00:33:42,589 PUT IT OUT IN THE WORLD. AND NOW EVERYONE KNOWS I'M INSANE 458 00:33:42,589 --> 00:33:46,760 SO - [ LAUGHTER ] Seth: WELL, I WANT TO ASK 459 00:33:46,760 --> 00:33:53,633 ABOUT THIS BECAUSE YOUR FATHER, LARRY DAVID, OBVIOUSLY, OVER HIS CAREER, HE HAS WRITTEN ABOUT HIS 460 00:33:53,633 --> 00:33:56,703 OWN NEUROSIS HE HAS PLAYED A CHARACTER NAMED LARRY. 461 00:33:56,703 --> 00:34:01,041 THERE'S THIS SENSE THAT MAYBE HE IS TELLING US A LOT ABOUT HIMSELF IN HIS WRITING AND HIS 462 00:34:01,041 --> 00:34:07,047 PERFORMANCE. I AM ALSO LUCKY ENOUGH TO KNOW YOUR MOM, LAURIE 463 00:34:07,047 --> 00:34:10,050 HOW DID THEY FEEL WHEN YOU STARTED WRITING A BOOK THAT WAS ABOUT YOURSELF, AND THEREFORE, 464 00:34:10,050 --> 00:34:14,721 WAS GOING TO ALSO HAVE A BIT ABOUT THEM YOU KNOW, MY MOM IS REALLY 465 00:34:14,721 --> 00:34:19,659 USED TO BEING WRITTEN ABOUT BY MY DAD AND ALSO, I WROTE ABOUT MY 466 00:34:19,659 --> 00:34:25,131 SISTER, WHO HAD THE EXPERIENCE OF LIVING WITH MY MOM AND SEEING HOW SHE HANDLED IT 467 00:34:25,131 --> 00:34:29,369 BUT I WOULD DESCRIBE MY MOM'S REACTION ACTUALLY TO BE REALLY WELL-DESCRIBED IN A TWEET SHE 468 00:34:29,369 --> 00:34:35,375 WROTE TO SUPPORT ME TO HER COUPLE THOUSAND FOLLOWERS, WHICH SHE LIKES TO BRAG ABOUT. 469 00:34:35,375 --> 00:34:44,150 BUT SHE TWEETED, LIKE, "DAUGHTER'S BOOK IS COMING OUT REMEMBER, KIDS EXAGGERATE. 470 00:34:44,150 --> 00:34:49,489 FIRST OF ALL, WAY TO DISCREDIT ME BEFORE IT EVEN COMES OUT. AND ALSO, PUBLICLY, CALL ME A 471 00:34:49,489 --> 00:34:53,093 KID. YEAH [ LAUGHTER ] 472 00:34:53,093 --> 00:34:57,097 SHE OFFERED TO DELETE IT, WHICH I FIND MYSELF DOING A LOT. SHE'S LIKE, "FINE, IF YOU DON'T 473 00:34:57,097 --> 00:34:59,332 WANT ME TO SUPPORT YOU THEN, I WON'T. [ LAUGHTER ] 474 00:34:59,332 --> 00:35:04,371 Seth: HOW DID -- HOW DID YOUR SISTER, ROMY -- WAS SHE SUPPORTIVE THROUGH THE PROCESS 475 00:35:04,371 --> 00:35:07,407 OF WRITING IT? YEAH. I THINK SHE WAS RELUCTANTLY 476 00:35:07,407 --> 00:35:10,910 SUPPORTIVE BUT, YEAH, SHE'S -- THEY'RE GREAT SO I'M REALLY THANKFUL 477 00:35:10,910 --> 00:35:16,916 THAT THEY'RE OKAY WITH IT. Seth: A LOT OF PEOPLE THROUGH THESE TIMES HAVE LIVED WITH 478 00:35:16,916 --> 00:35:21,087 PARENTS HAVE LIVED WITH IN-LAWS. I KNOW YOU HAVE DONE A BIT OF BOTH 479 00:35:21,087 --> 00:35:22,622 YOU LIVED WITH YOUR MOM, YOU LIVED WITH YOUR DAD THROUGH THIS 480 00:35:22,622 --> 00:35:27,627 HOW HAS THAT BEEN? BECAUSE, OF COURSE, ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS I THINK ABOUT 481 00:35:27,627 --> 00:35:32,899 FAMILIES LIVING WITH EACH OTHER IS DIFFERENT LEVELS OF COMFORT, SLASH, FEAR ABOUT THE PANDEMIC 482 00:35:32,899 --> 00:35:39,873 RIGHT WE AGREE ON EVERYTHING ESPECIALLY IN TERMS OF AVOIDING 483 00:35:39,873 --> 00:35:42,842 SICKNESS AT ALL COST THE PROBLEM ISN'T REALLY AGREEING 484 00:35:42,842 --> 00:35:49,382 IT'S MORE LIKE FORGETTING THAT WE'RE IN A PANDEMIC. MY DAD AND ME WILL DISCUSS -- 485 00:35:49,382 --> 00:35:53,219 YOU KNOW, WE GO OVER THE RULES, LIKE NO ONE CAN COME OVER BECAUSE OF COVID 486 00:35:53,219 --> 00:35:56,623 AND THEN, TWO HOURS LATER, I'LL COME DOWNSTAIRS AND HE'LL HAVE A FRIEND OVER. 487 00:35:56,623 --> 00:36:07,100 AND I'M LIKE, "DAD, IT'S COVID." -- LIKE, LET'S GO TO DINNER AND I'M LIKE, "DAD, IT'S COVID." 488 00:36:07,100 --> 00:36:13,540 SO, HE'S LIKE -- SO, YEAH, THAT'S BEEN AN ISSUE, FOR SURE Seth: WHAT -- I'M WONDERING 489 00:36:13,540 --> 00:36:16,743 IF WRITING ABOUT YOURSELF AND YOU TALK ABOUT WRITING ABOUT WHAT YOU KNOW, LIKE, WAS IT 490 00:36:16,743 --> 00:36:25,051 CATHARTIC FOR YOU? AND IS THERE SOMETHING THAT YOU WANT A READER TO TAKE AWAY FROM 491 00:36:25,051 --> 00:36:29,189 THE BOOK IT MIGHT BE PRESUMPTUOUS FOR ME TO THINK THAT ANYONE COULD 492 00:36:29,189 --> 00:36:35,428 TAKE ANYTHING AWAY I HOPE THEY ENJOY IT OR RELATE TO IT. 493 00:36:35,428 --> 00:36:43,837 WE'RE THE MOST ANXIOUS GENERATION OF ALL-TIME AND THANKS TO SOCIAL MEDIA, WE 494 00:36:43,837 --> 00:36:46,973 LIKE TO OVERSHARE. SO I WOULD SAY ANXIETY AND OVERSHARING KIND OF SUMS UP MY 495 00:36:46,973 --> 00:36:50,110 BOOK SO YEAH, I HOPE PEOPLE CAN CONNECT AT LEAST BECAUSE OF 496 00:36:50,110 --> 00:36:54,881 THAT Seth: YOU'VE ALSO POINTED OUT -- YOU RECENTLY PUT UP A 497 00:36:54,881 --> 00:37:00,787 POST ABOUT THE FACT THAT HOW EMBARRASSING IT IS TO SELF-PROMOTE A BOOK LIKE THIS. 498 00:37:00,787 --> 00:37:05,025 IF YOU WERE TO OBSERVE ME FOR JUST 24 HOURS AT ALL THIS WEEK, YOU WOULD THINK AN IMMEDIATE 499 00:37:05,025 --> 00:37:09,195 MEMBER OF MY FAMILY HAD DIED I'M JUST GOING AROUND LIKE WEEPING, BEING LIKE, "HOW CAN 500 00:37:09,195 --> 00:37:18,405 ANY OF THIS BE OKAY? YOU DO ALL THIS STUFF, YOU KNOW, SO PEOPLE BUY THE BOOK 501 00:37:18,405 --> 00:37:22,042 BUT IF YOU'RE ANNOYING WHILE YOU ARE DOING IT, NO ONE WILL BUY THE BOOK 502 00:37:22,042 --> 00:37:23,176 SO I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY I'M DOING IT [ LAUGHTER ] 503 00:37:23,176 --> 00:37:29,549 Seth: HOW DO YOU THINK, BASED ON WHAT YOU'VE TOLD US, AND HOW YOU WOULD WATCH A COUPLE OF 504 00:37:29,549 --> 00:37:32,285 MINUTES OF AN INTERVIEW TO DECIDE IF YOU LIKE SOMEBODY. HOW DO YOU THINK PEOPLE WILL 505 00:37:32,285 --> 00:37:36,856 REACT TO THIS BASED ON HOW YOU'VE DONE SO FAR I HAVEN'T REALLY BEEN IN MY 506 00:37:36,856 --> 00:37:41,127 BODY FOR THIS EXPERIENCE SO I CAN'T REALLY TELL YOU. I BLACKED OUT A FEW MINUTES AGO. 507 00:37:41,127 --> 00:37:46,466 Seth: I DO WANT -- IT'S VERY FUNNY THAT YOU POINT OUT, THAT THING OF LIKE GETTING DRESSED UP 508 00:37:46,466 --> 00:37:52,372 TO SHOOT IN YOUR LIVING ROOM AND ONE, YOU KNOW, SHOWS LIKE OURS APPRECIATE WHEN PEOPLE PUT 509 00:37:52,372 --> 00:37:57,177 THE EFFORT IN. BUT I WANT EVERYBODY TO THINK ABOUT THE MOMENT RIGHT AFTER WE 510 00:37:57,177 --> 00:38:00,914 END, WHEN YOU'RE JUST GOING TO BE SITTING IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER LIKE, ALL DRESSED UP. 511 00:38:00,914 --> 00:38:04,417 AND THERE'S NOT GOING TO BE A TV SHOW ANYMORE IT'S PRETTY HUMILIATING 512 00:38:04,417 --> 00:38:09,656 I AM IN JEANS TO MAKE IT MORE CASUAL BUT I REALIZE THAT DOESN'T MATTER AT ALL. 513 00:38:09,656 --> 00:38:14,361 AND I COULD LOOK LIKE I'M IN A BALL GOWN. SO I WILL BE CHANGING 514 00:38:14,361 --> 00:38:18,398 IMMEDIATELY AFTER THIS Seth: I'M GOING TO PICTURE YOU -- I'M A LITTLE BUMMED YOU 515 00:38:18,398 --> 00:38:21,801 TOLD ME JEANS 'CAUSE I'M GOING TO PICTURE YOU STANDING UP IN VERY UNCOMFORTABLE HIGH HEELS TO 516 00:38:21,801 --> 00:38:27,574 WALK OVER TO SHUT YOUR LAPTOP. I REALLY LOOK LIKE A REAL HOUSEWIFE FOR THE VIRTUAL 517 00:38:27,574 --> 00:38:30,110 REUNION RIGHT NOW. Seth: THANK YOU SO MUCH, CAZZIE 518 00:38:30,110 --> 00:38:33,146 IT IS ALWAYS A DELIGHT TO SEE YOU. CONGRATS ON THE BOOK 519 00:38:33,146 --> 00:38:35,682 AND HOPEFULLY, I WILL SEE YOU SOON IN PERSON THANK YOU SO MUCH 520 00:38:35,682 --> 00:38:40,153 I AGREE. Seth: "NO ONE ASKED FOR THIS" IS ON SALE TOMORROW WHERE BOOKS 521 00:38:40,153 --> 00:38:43,223 ARE SOLD BUT PLEASE SUPPORT LOCAL AND INDEPENDENT BOOKSTORES 522 00:38:43,223 --> 00:39:08,314 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "LATE NIGHT. * 523 00:39:08,314 --> 00:39:11,584 Seth: COME BACK ALL THIS WEEK FOR NEW SHOWS. WE'VE GOT GREAT GUESTS -- 524 00:39:11,584 --> 00:39:16,189 HUGH LAURIE, RACHEL BLOOM, RICH EISEN, EMILY SPIVEY, MICHAEL MOORE AND HUGH GRANT 525 00:39:16,189 --> 00:39:19,693 PLUS, A NEW "AMBER SAYS WHAT," AND I THINK YOU KNOW WE'VE ALWAYS GOT PLENTY TO PUT INTO "A 526 00:39:19,693 --> 00:39:44,250 CLOSER LOOK. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. * 527 00:39:44,250 --> 00:40:00,000 GUESTS, KALEY CUOCO AND CAZZIE DAVID I WANT TO THANK VALERIE FRANCO 528 00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:01,201 AND THE 8G BAND. STAY TUNED FOR "LILLY SINGH. STAY SAFE. 529 00:40:01,201 --> 00:40:02,168 WASH YOUR HANDS. WEAR A MASK. WE LOVE YOU.