The Internet.
Hands down, the world's greatest invention.
I guess I could also give it up for vaccines,
drop-top Bentleys, Yeezys, brioche French toast,
the L.L. Bean guaranteed return policy,
self-starting briquettes, and the Great Wall of China.
But you know what?
They all take a backseat to the Internet
because thanks to the Internet,
in two keystrokes, we can hear any song,
order any pair of limited sneakers,
put together a consistently losing fantasy team,
order authentic deepdish Chicago pizza,
and like photos of our ex-girlfriend's trip to Cabo.
Not that anyone cares what Shawna's been up to
or how she has a six-pack now.
Sure, the Internet has rendered encyclopedias,
Yellow Pages, newspapers, record shops,
and book stores obsolete.
But it's been incredibly convenient for me. Whoo!
Yup, the Internet puts everything
right at our fingertips.
Oh, yeah.
Mm, new.
Unfortunately, some of those fingertips
belong to our children.
Diane!
Uh...
Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
We need to talk.
Please don't be pregnant.
I'm not ready to be a father!
What?
Jokes.
I'm all in on this one.
Although five is a lot.
I', serious. Come here.
What? Okay, okay, baby. I'm right here.
I came home from work today,
and I caught Diane on her laptop watching this.
Ohh.
Ohh!
- Diane saw this? - Uh-huh.
Oh, this is dirty.
Like, "German exchange student arrives in Tokyo",
"orders pizza, and can't pay for it" dirty.
What?
Y-You work weird hours,
and sometimes, I have to occupy my time.
Uh-huh. Okay. Ye... Dre? Dre.
Our baby saw that.
She... What'd you do?
What'd you say to her?
Wha... I think I handled it pretty great.
No! Bad!
♪
- Mommy! - Oh!
You scolded her like a dog and ran out on her?!
You know what?
Next time, just squirt her with a spray bottle.
Dre, I didn't know what to say, okay?
Besides, I didn't think
I should talk to her about it without you.
No. No, mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh, no.
I would just clutter it up.
Okay, we've got to streamline this.
Clear message... Yours.
Wha...
- You got this, Bow. - Huh?
♪
Hey, baby.
Hi.
So, your dad and I...
Wait. You told Dad?
See? Told you. It wasn't none of my business.
No. We... we wanted to talk to you
about what you were looking at before.
I'm so sorry, but girls at my school
were talking about sex,
- so I looked up the definition online. - Mm.
I was still confused,
so I clicked "video," and that popped up.
I know I shouldn't have kept looking,
but I just... froze.
Wow.
Is this, uh, maple? Mm.
Am I a pervert now?
No, honey. No, of course not.
Well...
And it is totally fine for you to be curious, all right?
But what you saw is inappropriate for kids.
I know. It was scary.
I didn't even know what I was looking at.
That's why we don't want you looking at that stuff anymore.
Don't worry. I don't want to.
Good.
And just so you know, that video wasn't real.
It has nothing to do with sex between two people
that love each other.
Yeah, especially after you've been together a few years.
It's like...
Uh. Mm.
Those are just actors.
- More like, uh, stuntmen. - Dre!
- Hmm? - Seriously.
We just want you to know
that you didn't do anything wrong.
- Okay? - So you're not mad.
No, sweetheart. Not at all.
But, so, in the future, if you get confused
or curious about something, just don't go online, all right?
Just come talk to us.
Come to me and your daddy.
- Right, Dad... - No, no, no. Not me.
- Daddy? - Huh?
Yeah. Da...
Yeah, we're... we're your parents,
and, uh, she will always be there for you.
Yeah, okay.
You... It's all good, sweetheart.
Oh.
What were Mom and Dad talking to you about?
Nothing.
Tell me!
You're too young to know.
You're only four minutes older than me.
Trust me, I'm looking out for your best interests.
I wish someone did that for me.
What is sex?
Google it. Google it.
Okay.
Cherish your innocence, friend.
It's gone before you know it.
♪
I couldn't stop thinking about the filth my baby girl saw,
so I brought it to the experts.
They didn't know much about kids,
but they knew all about filth.
Didn't have to log in, didn't have to pay,
just one click,
and the most disgusting smut you can imagine just pops up.
That is awful.
They... should be... monetizing that.
I'm telling you, it's just too damn accessible.
Back in my day, if we wanted skin mags,
you had to tramp all the way down to the river,
steal 'em from a hobo.
I'm telling you, it was just a simpler time.
All I had access to was a Sears catalogue.
That's why fuller coverage bras
and work boots get me going.
Me and my brother used to sneak into the neighbor's yard
and watch the dogs doing it.
And then when they were about to finish,
we would, uh, throw a cat at them.
Boys will be boys.
White boys.
Wow.
Now I understand why the board asked me to come in.
You don't even pretend to talk about business.
I'm... I'm sorry. Who are you?
Oh, hey, Dre, a little respect
for your new colleague, Lucy.
- Rachel. - Right. Lucy was the old one.
You fired her to make room for you creepy son.
- Connor. Hi. - Hi.
Anyway, let's, uh, let's make her feel welcome.
Then, when she takes her first to bathroom break,
we can honestly and fairly assess her looks.
Something on her face is too high.
Not... Not... Not yet, sweetheart. We... We wait.
Wow. HR was right.
This place is a ticking time bomb.
Uh, is this about the toxic racism?
That was not mentioned at all.
Are you mentioning it now?
Uh...
No.
Look, you've got to nip this in the bud
before she goes off to college next year.
College?
I'm not talking about Zoey.
I'm talking about Diane.
The 10-year-old?!
Wait. We're talking about a 10-year-old?
Oh, to hell with work. Let's get into this.
Maybe we can save that poor baby.
No, it is too late.
Your daughter is irretrievably damaged.
- What? - So it's Diane who has the Internet?
That evil child wants me dead.
So, now she can just buy weapons and poison
and... bitcoins.
And travel unencumbered down the Silk Road.
I got to get out of here.
But I have nowhere to go.
And she knows it.
She knows it.
You white.
You got a guest house. Can I stay there?
I still can't believe my baby saw that.
Oh, my God. She's only 10!
That's actually pretty typical.
Huh?
Yeah, I read the number of kids Diane's age
who are addicted to online porn is off the charts.
Pam, she's not addicted!
She saw one thing one time, and she regrets it.
I feel air on my liver.
I forgot to regulate. Oh, God.
Shh! This is all a dream.
This is all dream.
Slowly, slowly...
My life is a nightmare.
Sweetie, you need to relax.
I'm talking statistics, not Diane.
She's probably going to be fine.
Possibly going to be fine.
- What? - I'd be worried.
She's the weird one, right?
Yeah.
Hey, are you okay?
You sounded so upset on the phone, I was worried about you driving.
Don' worry. I calmed down first.
Shut up! My baby's broken!
Good 'cause getting stressed out about this
doesn't help anything.
Move, fools! My child's diseased!
Dre, I'm still freaking out.
Pam said that kids looking at online porn is an epidemic.
Like Cross Colours?
'Cause that got to everyone.
Dre, what if it's not just Diane?
What if it's all of them?
Who knows what they've been exposed to?
- You should talk to them. - Dre!
I can't just ask them what they've been doing online.
The only reason that Diane told us the truth
is 'cause she was caught.
- Yeah. - We cannot trust any of them.
Nope. We got to be sneaky, Dre.
Sneaky.
I like this in you.
So, to see if my beloved Internet
had really damaged all my kids, we started spying on them,
and we did not like what we saw.
♪ ... your every move ♪
- ♪ Private eyes ♪ - Sexy selfies...
♪ They're watching you ♪
♪ Private eyes ♪
♪ They're watching you ♪
... extreme violence, insane YouTube gamers...
Go PewDiePie!
Beat him! Go, go get him!
... and whatever this was.
Hello, Davis.
Honey, I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother.
♪ Private eyes ♪
♪ Watching you ♪
♪ Private eyes ♪
♪ Watching you ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ They see your every move ♪
- Dre. - Huh?
It's not just Diane, and it's not just porn.
You are going to have a heart attack
when you find out what Zoey's posting on Instagram.
Junior is watching beheadings.
- What? - Wasn't it just last week
that he was playing video games with Jack?
Jack doesn't play video games anymore.
He watches some foulmouthed fish-n-chip-eating Swedish guy
play video games.
- Why? - I don't know!
I don't know anything anymore!
What is happening with our children?
At least we don't have to worry about Diane.
She's busy doing homework with my old World Books.
Aw, that's very sweet.
Wait a minute.
Hmm?
Diane is the healthiest child in our house?
- We're in trouble. - We're in trouble.
Zoey in a towel.
Zoey in a bathing suit.
- Zoey naked in the bathtub. - What?!
Well, it's just a baby pic for Throwback Thursday, but still.
- How does she think that this is okay? - I don't know.
Maybe from her giant hypocrite of a father.
How am I a hypocrite?!
I know what you like on Instagram, Dre.
Oh. Yeah. You don't want your daughter
posting sexy pictures on Instagram,
and you're addicted to liking sexy pictures on Instagram.
Just because I don't want my daughter doing what I do,
that makes me a hypocrite?
- Literally the definition. - Oh.
Like you're not addicted to your phone.
I need my phone for work, Dre.
Do you now?
- Ahhh. - Paging Dr. Johnson.
- Ahhh. - Dr. Rainbow Johnson.
- Ooh. Ooh. - He's coding!
Oh, wow. How did I get so vain?
Hey, baby, you're not vain just because
you want to spend every waking moment looking your best.
Again, exact definition.
Damn it. I've got to learn more words.
- Dre. - Hmm?
We're addicted. This needs to stop!
Yeah, you're right. You know what?
From now on, this family is offline, all right?
Us included.
Okay.
All right. It'll be a good little experiment.
- Okay. - All right.
♪
Don't.
Wha...
- Experiment over. We tried our best. - Oh.
So, I was a lost cause,
but Bow wasn't giving up on our family so easily.
Dre.
- Hmm? - It's called Net-Sitter.
Okay.
- See... Dre? - Yeah?
It's called Net-Sitter.
- Mm-hmm. - Right?
If anyone in our network looks up something inappropriate,
the screen just freezes,
and then you need a code to unlock it.
Oh.
Make the enemy work for us.
Exactly.
And to make it easy,
I thought we would just make the code my birthday.
Which you do know.
- Of course. - Mm-hmm.
But so does everybody else,
which is probably why we shouldn't use it.
- Okay. That was really quick. - Yeah.
So, we gave Net-Sitter a try.
Dad!
All right!
What's the code?
What are you looking up where you need the code?
Nothing.
I was doing research on bonsai trees,
but as soon as I typed in "tiny trimmed Asian"...
Okay, say no more. Say no more.
Dad!
Doh.
Dad!
- There you go. - Thank you.
- Dad. - Yeah.
Who is Ronald Reagan,
and why does it say he's President?
He's not. He's dead.
♪
Dre!
- Dre! Dre, Dre. - Yeah.
Fix this, baby.
Fix this.
I am not unlocking that.
♪
A good son would let his mama
watch her nighttime stories!
Who was I kidding?
I wasn't going to save my family
with a program that couldn't tell the difference
between porn and homework.
♪ Man, I'm just so disconnected ♪
♪ Yeah, make room, make a way, make my day ♪
I was feeling hopeless.
How could I cure my kids of a disease
the whole world had caught?
♪ Man, I'm just so disconnected ♪
♪ Yeah, ace to the deuce, though, mucho gusto ♪
♪ You so spacey, acey dey uno ♪
♪ Flow like sumo, Robinson Caruso ♪
Hey!
♪ Man, I'm just so disconnected ♪
We were becoming screen people.
If aliens landed here, they would think
some other brainwashing overlords got to us first.
Hey, morning everybody.
- All right. - Dre.
Oh, Charlie!
Hey, look, man, let's talk, connect, hug.
You know, I was starting to feel like nobody...
Touch my charger one more time, Dre!
I dare you.
What?
So devices had taken over the world,
but they weren't going to take over my home.
- Okay. - Okay.
I'm going to need all of your devices.
All of them.
Laptops, iPads, iPhones, Surfaces, Kindles, Kindle Fires,
Echos, Wiis, Xboxes, Galaxies,
and your weird old flip phone.
You will be allowed to check them out
on an as-needed basis submitted in writing
for two hours of weekly supervised use.
Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh-mnh-mnh.
I'm grown. Can't control me!
But Tobuscus and PewDiePie are going head-to-head in Minecraft.
Listen to what you're saying.
Go outside, make real fires,
collect real eggs, kill real pigs.
- Kill pi... What? - That's what they do.
Seriously?
You're just going to give up that easily?
I've made it alive this long by listening to her.
Mm-hmm.
Come on, Jack.
Let's go find our old Speak and Spell and turn it in.
Oh, no, honey, you can keep that.
I better not.
Who knows what I might spell?
Mm.
What's going on?
Why have you two gone so crazy?
Since when did you stop trusting us?
It's not that we don't trust you.
- I don't trust you. - I don't, either.
And how can I if we catch you watching beheadings?
What kind of depraved site
do you even go to to see that?
Seriously.
It's the news, Dad.
It's what's going on in the world.
Just because it's happening
doesn't mean you should be watching it.
And you shouldn't be posting half-naked pictures!
I'm in a bathing suit.
- In your bedroom. - Yeah.
- Making duck lips for no reason. - No reason.
I have a reason.
Marco broke up with me because he said I had no booty,
- so I wanted to rub it in his face. - Oh, my God.
Sad.
Letting yourself be affected by a stupid boy.
Come on, Mom.
It's the same thing as you wanting to make an ex jealous
by showing up to Studio 54 in your glitter shorts.
Studio 5... How...
How old do you think I am?!
Instagram is the club now.
Every like I get that I know Marco sees is empowering.
What?
Or would you prefer I let him body-shame me?
No, no, no, okay?
Every part of this conversation is just...
You... you talk to her. You talk to her.
- Put on more clothes! - Yes!
And who the hell is Marco?
Zoey's right.
Everything happens on the Internet,
and it's not like it's all dangerous.
In some ways, it's even safer.
Fan sites are the only place
that I can talk about elves and orcs and anime
without being mocked for it.
Not now, nerd.
See? That's why we need the Internet.
It gives a voice to everyone that doesn't have one.
It's how we do everything... Homework, research.
It's where we get all our information.
Yeah, Dad.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
And half of that information is wrong.
Exactly.
The other day, I looked up Tom Selleck's net worth,
and it said $4 billion.
What?
Billion, with a "B"... Tom Selleck!
That could be right.
I mean, he could have family money or an art collection.
You don't know.
I don't care!
I... don't... care!
The Internet is rotting your brain
- and destroying your wonderful souls! - Mm-hmm.
Seems like you're having a parenting crisis.
- What?! - If only there was a resource
you could use to get helpful information.
Oh, I know.
Get out your White Pages, find your local library,
fight through some bums,
and get a book from the '50s that tells you to beat us.
I don't need a book to tell me
to beat your Orcen ass.
Even you take our Internet away, we can get online anywhere.
You're just going to have to trust us.
- Okay, okay. - N...
Oh, God.
- All right. - We're too late, Dre.
It's over.
Yeah.
We've lost them to porn and Pee-Dee-Wee-Dee-Pie.
Oh, God.
- Babe? - Hmm?
Why were you looking up Tom Selleck's net worth?
Oh. I was ranking the wealth of mustachioed heartthrobs.
- Mm. - But it seems unimportant now.
- I can't sleep. - Mm, me either.
Can I have a bite, babe?
- What? - I know how this ends,
so I'm just gonna give you half right now.
Oh, you're a good man. Even get the chips.
I hate the world.
And it's only getting worse.
Mm.
I mean, if Diane is looking at online porn
at 10 years old, what...
What is this little one going to be looking at
- 10 years from now? - Mnh-mnh.
By then, porn will automatically be uploaded
into the kid's brain.
Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah.
Knock it off with all the doom and gloom.
You think any of this is new?
I went through the same thing with you.
♪ Oh, me so horny ♪
♪ Oh-oh, so horny ♪
Ah!
Save us, Black Jesus!
Oooooh!
There's always gonna be something coming into your house
that you can't control.
I know.
Kids will never stop being curious.
You just need to understand why they're looking at
whatever the hell they're looking at.
My Dre was looking at that video
'cause he wanted to know about sex.
I already knew about sex.
I just liked looking at wet butts.
Don't fight the future, baby.
It just makes you look old.
- And you... - What?
... you must be fighting it a lot.
Yeah.
That was my burger.
I hate when she's sane.
Makes me question everything I know.
What you really need to be worried about...
Oh, my God.
... is vaccines, Guatemalans, and first contact
with the long-fingered aliens coming to the Earth.
Yeah.
And she's back.
♪
Ah, hey, baby girl.
- Hey. - Hey.
How come nobody's talking about
how messed up East Germany is?
Ah, okay. I think...
I think these books are setting you back a little bit.
So, we're sorry.
We were just so worried about what you saw
that we weren't paying attention to your actual question.
So, you want to know about sex?
Let's talk about sex, okay?
Okay. Your dad and I are here for you.
Dre... uh...
Okay.
So, Bow and I had a great talk with Diane.
I mean, I did most of the heavy lifting.
Bow was a mess.
And what makes it...
And that's when we decided
that instead of letting technology isolate us,
we'd use it to bring us together.
Hold... Hold on! This way!
But sometimes the best way to bring your family together
is to leave technology behind.
Oh, like you're perfect?
I thought you were scared off the Internet.
Well, I was, but Mommy and I had a good talk.
Now I'm back to using it for its intended purpose...
Cyberbullying Charlie.
Hey, what's going on, man?
I just got another tweet from CharlieTelphysBigFatButt.
Someone's tweeting as my butt, Dre.
It's hurtful.
- I guess it's back to Spanx. - Okay.
Don't act like you don't wear 'em.