1 00:00:00,355 --> 00:00:01,530 The Internet. 2 00:00:01,633 --> 00:00:03,281 Hands down, the world's greatest invention. 3 00:00:04,403 --> 00:00:06,320 I guess I could also give it up for vaccines, 4 00:00:06,389 --> 00:00:09,585 drop-top Bentleys, Yeezys, brioche French toast, 5 00:00:09,688 --> 00:00:12,413 the L.L. Bean guaranteed return policy, 6 00:00:12,483 --> 00:00:15,241 self-starting briquettes, and the Great Wall of China. 7 00:00:16,346 --> 00:00:17,656 But you know what? 8 00:00:17,759 --> 00:00:20,585 They all take a backseat to the Internet 9 00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:22,672 because thanks to the Internet, 10 00:00:22,775 --> 00:00:25,533 in two keystrokes, we can hear any song, 11 00:00:25,636 --> 00:00:27,990 order any pair of limited sneakers, 12 00:00:28,060 --> 00:00:31,087 put together a consistently losing fantasy team, 13 00:00:31,190 --> 00:00:33,747 order authentic deepdish Chicago pizza, 14 00:00:33,816 --> 00:00:37,349 and like photos of our ex-girlfriend's trip to Cabo. 15 00:00:37,385 --> 00:00:40,547 Not that anyone cares what Shawna's been up to 16 00:00:40,616 --> 00:00:42,466 or how she has a six-pack now. 17 00:00:42,535 --> 00:00:45,260 Sure, the Internet has rendered encyclopedias, 18 00:00:45,304 --> 00:00:47,894 Yellow Pages, newspapers, record shops, 19 00:00:47,896 --> 00:00:48,837 and book stores obsolete. 20 00:00:50,455 --> 00:00:53,752 But it's been incredibly convenient for me. Whoo! 21 00:00:53,855 --> 00:00:55,906 Yup, the Internet puts everything 22 00:00:56,009 --> 00:00:57,387 right at our fingertips. 23 00:00:57,490 --> 00:00:59,003 Oh, yeah. 24 00:00:59,106 --> 00:01:00,114 Mm, new. 25 00:01:01,630 --> 00:01:03,952 Unfortunately, some of those fingertips 26 00:01:04,020 --> 00:01:05,264 belong to our children. 27 00:01:05,367 --> 00:01:06,544 Diane! 28 00:01:06,613 --> 00:01:07,688 Uh... 29 00:01:14,532 --> 00:01:15,810 Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. 30 00:01:15,811 --> 00:01:17,156 We need to talk. 31 00:01:17,157 --> 00:01:18,333 Please don't be pregnant. 32 00:01:18,334 --> 00:01:19,577 I'm not ready to be a father! 33 00:01:19,578 --> 00:01:20,620 What? 34 00:01:20,621 --> 00:01:21,763 Jokes. 35 00:01:21,764 --> 00:01:23,377 I'm all in on this one. 36 00:01:23,378 --> 00:01:24,891 Although five is a lot. 37 00:01:24,938 --> 00:01:26,013 I', serious. Come here. 38 00:01:26,014 --> 00:01:27,561 What? Okay, okay, baby. I'm right here. 39 00:01:27,564 --> 00:01:28,740 I came home from work today, 40 00:01:28,809 --> 00:01:34,328 and I caught Diane on her laptop watching this. 41 00:01:35,542 --> 00:01:37,021 Ohh. 42 00:01:37,124 --> 00:01:38,636 Ohh! 43 00:01:38,739 --> 00:01:41,195 - Diane saw this? - Uh-huh. 44 00:01:41,298 --> 00:01:43,013 Oh, this is dirty. 45 00:01:43,116 --> 00:01:45,403 Like, "German exchange student arrives in Tokyo", 46 00:01:45,506 --> 00:01:47,524 "orders pizza, and can't pay for it" dirty. 47 00:01:47,626 --> 00:01:48,669 What? 48 00:01:49,646 --> 00:01:50,856 Y-You work weird hours, 49 00:01:50,926 --> 00:01:53,044 and sometimes, I have to occupy my time. 50 00:01:53,147 --> 00:01:55,232 Uh-huh. Okay. Ye... Dre? Dre. 51 00:01:55,335 --> 00:01:57,050 Our baby saw that. 52 00:01:57,153 --> 00:01:58,464 She... What'd you do? 53 00:01:58,567 --> 00:02:00,013 What'd you say to her? 54 00:02:00,115 --> 00:02:02,437 Wha... I think I handled it pretty great. 55 00:02:02,540 --> 00:02:04,120 No! Bad! 56 00:02:04,223 --> 00:02:05,971 ♪ 57 00:02:06,074 --> 00:02:08,530 - Mommy! - Oh! 58 00:02:08,632 --> 00:02:11,559 You scolded her like a dog and ran out on her?! 59 00:02:11,662 --> 00:02:12,703 You know what? 60 00:02:12,773 --> 00:02:14,118 Next time, just squirt her with a spray bottle. 61 00:02:14,221 --> 00:02:15,801 Dre, I didn't know what to say, okay? 62 00:02:15,870 --> 00:02:16,911 Besides, I didn't think 63 00:02:17,014 --> 00:02:18,763 I should talk to her about it without you. 64 00:02:18,866 --> 00:02:20,210 No. No, mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh, no. 65 00:02:20,313 --> 00:02:21,321 I would just clutter it up. 66 00:02:21,424 --> 00:02:22,668 Okay, we've got to streamline this. 67 00:02:22,771 --> 00:02:24,351 Clear message... Yours. 68 00:02:24,454 --> 00:02:25,529 Wha... 69 00:02:25,632 --> 00:02:27,347 - You got this, Bow. - Huh? 70 00:02:27,450 --> 00:02:28,390 ♪ 71 00:02:28,493 --> 00:02:30,410 Hey, baby. 72 00:02:30,513 --> 00:02:32,262 Hi. 73 00:02:32,365 --> 00:02:33,744 So, your dad and I... 74 00:02:33,847 --> 00:02:35,359 Wait. You told Dad? 75 00:02:35,462 --> 00:02:37,446 See? Told you. It wasn't none of my business. 76 00:02:37,549 --> 00:02:38,860 No. We... we wanted to talk to you 77 00:02:38,963 --> 00:02:40,375 about what you were looking at before. 78 00:02:40,478 --> 00:02:42,462 I'm so sorry, but girls at my school 79 00:02:42,565 --> 00:02:43,741 were talking about sex, 80 00:02:43,845 --> 00:02:46,367 - so I looked up the definition online. - Mm. 81 00:02:46,470 --> 00:02:48,252 I was still confused, 82 00:02:48,355 --> 00:02:51,450 so I clicked "video," and that popped up. 83 00:02:51,553 --> 00:02:53,167 I know I shouldn't have kept looking, 84 00:02:53,270 --> 00:02:55,961 but I just... froze. 85 00:02:56,064 --> 00:02:57,341 Wow. 86 00:02:57,444 --> 00:02:59,563 Is this, uh, maple? Mm. 87 00:02:59,666 --> 00:03:01,448 Am I a pervert now? 88 00:03:01,550 --> 00:03:03,401 No, honey. No, of course not. 89 00:03:03,504 --> 00:03:04,680 Well... 90 00:03:04,783 --> 00:03:07,373 And it is totally fine for you to be curious, all right? 91 00:03:07,476 --> 00:03:10,032 But what you saw is inappropriate for kids. 92 00:03:10,135 --> 00:03:11,378 I know. It was scary. 93 00:03:11,482 --> 00:03:13,634 I didn't even know what I was looking at. 94 00:03:13,771 --> 00:03:15,855 That's why we don't want you looking at that stuff anymore. 95 00:03:15,958 --> 00:03:18,447 Don't worry. I don't want to. 96 00:03:18,551 --> 00:03:19,559 Good. 97 00:03:19,662 --> 00:03:22,891 And just so you know, that video wasn't real. 98 00:03:22,994 --> 00:03:24,507 It has nothing to do with sex between two people 99 00:03:24,611 --> 00:03:25,921 that love each other. 100 00:03:26,024 --> 00:03:27,873 Yeah, especially after you've been together a few years. 101 00:03:27,976 --> 00:03:28,984 It's like... 102 00:03:28,986 --> 00:03:31,509 Uh. Mm. 103 00:03:31,612 --> 00:03:33,361 Those are just actors. 104 00:03:33,464 --> 00:03:35,717 - More like, uh, stuntmen. - Dre! 105 00:03:35,820 --> 00:03:36,727 - Hmm? - Seriously. 106 00:03:36,830 --> 00:03:38,107 We just want you to know 107 00:03:38,210 --> 00:03:39,891 that you didn't do anything wrong. 108 00:03:39,994 --> 00:03:42,113 - Okay? - So you're not mad. 109 00:03:42,216 --> 00:03:44,436 No, sweetheart. Not at all. 110 00:03:44,539 --> 00:03:47,769 But, so, in the future, if you get confused 111 00:03:47,905 --> 00:03:50,831 or curious about something, just don't go online, all right? 112 00:03:50,934 --> 00:03:52,178 Just come talk to us. 113 00:03:52,248 --> 00:03:53,390 Come to me and your daddy. 114 00:03:53,493 --> 00:03:54,939 - Right, Dad... - No, no, no. Not me. 115 00:03:55,042 --> 00:03:56,016 - Daddy? - Huh? 116 00:03:56,119 --> 00:03:57,127 Yeah. Da... 117 00:03:57,129 --> 00:03:58,540 Yeah, we're... we're your parents, 118 00:03:58,643 --> 00:04:00,628 and, uh, she will always be there for you. 119 00:04:00,731 --> 00:04:02,142 Yeah, okay. 120 00:04:02,246 --> 00:04:04,196 You... It's all good, sweetheart. 121 00:04:04,299 --> 00:04:06,451 Oh. 122 00:04:07,732 --> 00:04:10,491 What were Mom and Dad talking to you about? 123 00:04:10,594 --> 00:04:11,669 Nothing. 124 00:04:11,739 --> 00:04:12,814 Tell me! 125 00:04:12,917 --> 00:04:14,127 You're too young to know. 126 00:04:14,196 --> 00:04:15,978 You're only four minutes older than me. 127 00:04:16,048 --> 00:04:18,873 Trust me, I'm looking out for your best interests. 128 00:04:18,976 --> 00:04:20,859 I wish someone did that for me. 129 00:04:20,929 --> 00:04:22,004 What is sex? 130 00:04:22,107 --> 00:04:23,754 Google it. Google it. 131 00:04:23,857 --> 00:04:24,798 Okay. 132 00:04:24,867 --> 00:04:27,457 Cherish your innocence, friend. 133 00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:29,982 It's gone before you know it. 134 00:04:30,085 --> 00:04:31,867 ♪ 135 00:04:31,970 --> 00:04:35,199 I couldn't stop thinking about the filth my baby girl saw, 136 00:04:35,269 --> 00:04:36,715 so I brought it to the experts. 137 00:04:36,784 --> 00:04:38,465 They didn't know much about kids, 138 00:04:38,568 --> 00:04:41,024 but they knew all about filth. 139 00:04:41,126 --> 00:04:43,177 Didn't have to log in, didn't have to pay, 140 00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:44,558 just one click, 141 00:04:44,627 --> 00:04:46,847 and the most disgusting smut you can imagine just pops up. 142 00:04:46,950 --> 00:04:48,564 That is awful. 143 00:04:48,634 --> 00:04:51,190 They... should be... monetizing that. 144 00:04:51,293 --> 00:04:53,580 I'm telling you, it's just too damn accessible. 145 00:04:53,649 --> 00:04:55,802 Back in my day, if we wanted skin mags, 146 00:04:55,871 --> 00:04:58,360 you had to tramp all the way down to the river, 147 00:04:58,463 --> 00:04:59,639 steal 'em from a hobo. 148 00:04:59,708 --> 00:05:01,154 I'm telling you, it was just a simpler time. 149 00:05:01,223 --> 00:05:03,443 All I had access to was a Sears catalogue. 150 00:05:03,513 --> 00:05:05,193 That's why fuller coverage bras 151 00:05:05,296 --> 00:05:06,877 and work boots get me going. 152 00:05:06,946 --> 00:05:08,795 Me and my brother used to sneak into the neighbor's yard 153 00:05:08,865 --> 00:05:09,907 and watch the dogs doing it. 154 00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:11,421 And then when they were about to finish, 155 00:05:11,524 --> 00:05:12,768 we would, uh, throw a cat at them. 156 00:05:13,813 --> 00:05:16,707 Boys will be boys. 157 00:05:16,775 --> 00:05:17,717 White boys. 158 00:05:17,820 --> 00:05:18,996 Wow. 159 00:05:19,031 --> 00:05:21,016 Now I understand why the board asked me to come in. 160 00:05:21,119 --> 00:05:23,708 You don't even pretend to talk about business. 161 00:05:23,778 --> 00:05:25,290 I'm... I'm sorry. Who are you? 162 00:05:25,393 --> 00:05:26,907 Oh, hey, Dre, a little respect 163 00:05:26,975 --> 00:05:28,489 for your new colleague, Lucy. 164 00:05:28,524 --> 00:05:30,979 - Rachel. - Right. Lucy was the old one. 165 00:05:31,049 --> 00:05:33,505 You fired her to make room for you creepy son. 166 00:05:33,608 --> 00:05:35,692 - Connor. Hi. - Hi. 167 00:05:35,862 --> 00:05:37,678 Anyway, let's, uh, let's make her feel welcome. 168 00:05:37,748 --> 00:05:39,564 Then, when she takes her first to bathroom break, 169 00:05:39,633 --> 00:05:42,391 we can honestly and fairly assess her looks. 170 00:05:42,461 --> 00:05:45,623 Something on her face is too high. 171 00:05:45,692 --> 00:05:47,845 Not... Not... Not yet, sweetheart. We... We wait. 172 00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:49,191 Wow. HR was right. 173 00:05:49,260 --> 00:05:50,908 This place is a ticking time bomb. 174 00:05:50,978 --> 00:05:53,635 Uh, is this about the toxic racism? 175 00:05:53,738 --> 00:05:55,655 That was not mentioned at all. 176 00:05:55,724 --> 00:05:57,574 Are you mentioning it now? 177 00:05:59,966 --> 00:06:02,185 Uh... 178 00:06:02,288 --> 00:06:03,329 No. 179 00:06:03,433 --> 00:06:06,056 Look, you've got to nip this in the bud 180 00:06:06,126 --> 00:06:08,245 before she goes off to college next year. 181 00:06:08,348 --> 00:06:09,491 College? 182 00:06:09,594 --> 00:06:11,611 I'm not talking about Zoey. 183 00:06:12,522 --> 00:06:13,564 I'm talking about Diane. 184 00:06:14,037 --> 00:06:15,130 The 10-year-old?! 185 00:06:15,131 --> 00:06:16,736 Wait. We're talking about a 10-year-old? 186 00:06:16,737 --> 00:06:18,721 Oh, to hell with work. Let's get into this. 187 00:06:18,722 --> 00:06:20,302 Maybe we can save that poor baby. 188 00:06:20,303 --> 00:06:21,446 No, it is too late. 189 00:06:21,447 --> 00:06:23,802 Your daughter is irretrievably damaged. 190 00:06:23,803 --> 00:06:25,787 - What? - So it's Diane who has the Internet? 191 00:06:25,788 --> 00:06:27,940 That evil child wants me dead. 192 00:06:28,041 --> 00:06:30,900 So, now she can just buy weapons and poison 193 00:06:30,969 --> 00:06:32,078 and... bitcoins. 194 00:06:32,081 --> 00:06:34,940 And travel unencumbered down the Silk Road. 195 00:06:35,008 --> 00:06:37,330 I got to get out of here. 196 00:06:37,433 --> 00:06:39,686 But I have nowhere to go. 197 00:06:39,789 --> 00:06:42,143 And she knows it. 198 00:06:42,246 --> 00:06:44,870 She knows it. 199 00:06:44,973 --> 00:06:46,351 You white. 200 00:06:46,421 --> 00:06:48,303 You got a guest house. Can I stay there? 201 00:06:48,406 --> 00:06:50,896 I still can't believe my baby saw that. 202 00:06:50,999 --> 00:06:52,814 Oh, my God. She's only 10! 203 00:06:52,918 --> 00:06:54,161 That's actually pretty typical. 204 00:06:54,163 --> 00:06:55,239 Huh? 205 00:06:55,308 --> 00:06:57,022 Yeah, I read the number of kids Diane's age 206 00:06:57,125 --> 00:06:59,883 who are addicted to online porn is off the charts. 207 00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:01,601 Pam, she's not addicted! 208 00:07:01,670 --> 00:07:04,462 She saw one thing one time, and she regrets it. 209 00:07:04,531 --> 00:07:07,627 I feel air on my liver. 210 00:07:07,695 --> 00:07:09,141 I forgot to regulate. Oh, God. 211 00:07:09,244 --> 00:07:11,296 Shh! This is all a dream. 212 00:07:11,399 --> 00:07:13,215 This is all dream. 213 00:07:13,283 --> 00:07:14,999 Slowly, slowly... 214 00:07:16,414 --> 00:07:17,590 My life is a nightmare. 215 00:07:17,693 --> 00:07:19,173 Sweetie, you need to relax. 216 00:07:19,276 --> 00:07:21,461 I'm talking statistics, not Diane. 217 00:07:21,531 --> 00:07:23,415 She's probably going to be fine. 218 00:07:23,518 --> 00:07:24,694 Possibly going to be fine. 219 00:07:24,763 --> 00:07:25,805 - What? - I'd be worried. 220 00:07:25,908 --> 00:07:27,353 She's the weird one, right? 221 00:07:28,399 --> 00:07:30,180 Yeah. 222 00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:31,796 Hey, are you okay? 223 00:07:31,866 --> 00:07:34,153 You sounded so upset on the phone, I was worried about you driving. 224 00:07:34,256 --> 00:07:36,206 Don' worry. I calmed down first. 225 00:07:39,373 --> 00:07:41,424 Shut up! My baby's broken! 226 00:07:43,042 --> 00:07:45,363 Good 'cause getting stressed out about this 227 00:07:45,466 --> 00:07:46,608 doesn't help anything. 228 00:07:48,058 --> 00:07:49,738 Move, fools! My child's diseased! 229 00:07:50,818 --> 00:07:52,432 Dre, I'm still freaking out. 230 00:07:52,535 --> 00:07:56,371 Pam said that kids looking at online porn is an epidemic. 231 00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:57,381 Like Cross Colours? 232 00:07:57,484 --> 00:07:58,963 'Cause that got to everyone. 233 00:08:02,667 --> 00:08:04,282 Dre, what if it's not just Diane? 234 00:08:04,418 --> 00:08:05,628 What if it's all of them? 235 00:08:05,731 --> 00:08:07,311 Who knows what they've been exposed to? 236 00:08:07,381 --> 00:08:09,465 - You should talk to them. - Dre! 237 00:08:09,568 --> 00:08:11,923 I can't just ask them what they've been doing online. 238 00:08:12,026 --> 00:08:14,010 The only reason that Diane told us the truth 239 00:08:14,113 --> 00:08:15,356 is 'cause she was caught. 240 00:08:15,426 --> 00:08:18,184 - Yeah. - We cannot trust any of them. 241 00:08:18,287 --> 00:08:21,012 Nope. We got to be sneaky, Dre. 242 00:08:21,115 --> 00:08:23,133 Sneaky. 243 00:08:23,235 --> 00:08:25,288 I like this in you. 244 00:08:25,390 --> 00:08:27,711 So, to see if my beloved Internet 245 00:08:27,814 --> 00:08:31,549 had really damaged all my kids, we started spying on them, 246 00:08:31,652 --> 00:08:33,433 and we did not like what we saw. 247 00:08:33,503 --> 00:08:36,059 ♪ ... your every move ♪ 248 00:08:36,162 --> 00:08:38,382 - ♪ Private eyes ♪ - Sexy selfies... 249 00:08:38,485 --> 00:08:40,099 ♪ They're watching you ♪ 250 00:08:40,202 --> 00:08:41,580 ♪ Private eyes ♪ 251 00:08:41,683 --> 00:08:42,859 ♪ They're watching you ♪ 252 00:08:42,962 --> 00:08:46,697 ... extreme violence, insane YouTube gamers... 253 00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:47,942 Go PewDiePie! 254 00:08:48,012 --> 00:08:50,231 Beat him! Go, go get him! 255 00:08:50,334 --> 00:08:51,611 ... and whatever this was. 256 00:08:51,714 --> 00:08:52,958 Hello, Davis. 257 00:08:53,061 --> 00:08:57,234 Honey, I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother. 258 00:08:57,337 --> 00:08:59,018 ♪ Private eyes ♪ 259 00:08:59,121 --> 00:09:00,700 ♪ Watching you ♪ 260 00:09:00,803 --> 00:09:01,745 ♪ Private eyes ♪ 261 00:09:01,813 --> 00:09:02,855 ♪ Watching you ♪ 262 00:09:02,958 --> 00:09:04,100 ♪ Yeah ♪ 263 00:09:04,170 --> 00:09:05,750 ♪ They see your every move ♪ 264 00:09:05,853 --> 00:09:07,399 - Dre. - Huh? 265 00:09:07,502 --> 00:09:09,454 It's not just Diane, and it's not just porn. 266 00:09:09,556 --> 00:09:11,237 You are going to have a heart attack 267 00:09:11,340 --> 00:09:13,560 when you find out what Zoey's posting on Instagram. 268 00:09:13,664 --> 00:09:15,816 Junior is watching beheadings. 269 00:09:15,918 --> 00:09:17,599 - What? - Wasn't it just last week 270 00:09:17,703 --> 00:09:19,721 that he was playing video games with Jack? 271 00:09:19,824 --> 00:09:21,303 Jack doesn't play video games anymore. 272 00:09:21,406 --> 00:09:23,558 He watches some foulmouthed fish-n-chip-eating Swedish guy 273 00:09:23,661 --> 00:09:24,669 play video games. 274 00:09:24,772 --> 00:09:25,948 - Why? - I don't know! 275 00:09:26,051 --> 00:09:27,833 I don't know anything anymore! 276 00:09:29,014 --> 00:09:30,661 What is happening with our children? 277 00:09:30,764 --> 00:09:32,714 At least we don't have to worry about Diane. 278 00:09:32,817 --> 00:09:35,306 She's busy doing homework with my old World Books. 279 00:09:35,409 --> 00:09:36,485 Aw, that's very sweet. 280 00:09:37,597 --> 00:09:39,245 Wait a minute. 281 00:09:39,348 --> 00:09:40,625 Hmm? 282 00:09:40,695 --> 00:09:43,453 Diane is the healthiest child in our house? 283 00:09:43,523 --> 00:09:46,011 - We're in trouble. - We're in trouble. 284 00:09:47,407 --> 00:09:48,468 Zoey in a towel. 285 00:09:48,983 --> 00:09:50,677 Zoey in a bathing suit. 286 00:09:52,058 --> 00:09:54,580 - Zoey naked in the bathtub. - What?! 287 00:09:54,581 --> 00:09:56,633 Well, it's just a baby pic for Throwback Thursday, but still. 288 00:09:56,634 --> 00:09:58,786 - How does she think that this is okay? - I don't know. 289 00:09:58,866 --> 00:10:00,984 Maybe from her giant hypocrite of a father. 290 00:10:01,087 --> 00:10:02,264 How am I a hypocrite?! 291 00:10:02,299 --> 00:10:03,745 I know what you like on Instagram, Dre. 292 00:10:03,814 --> 00:10:05,697 Oh. Yeah. You don't want your daughter 293 00:10:05,766 --> 00:10:07,381 posting sexy pictures on Instagram, 294 00:10:07,449 --> 00:10:09,872 and you're addicted to liking sexy pictures on Instagram. 295 00:10:09,940 --> 00:10:12,262 Just because I don't want my daughter doing what I do, 296 00:10:12,365 --> 00:10:13,574 that makes me a hypocrite? 297 00:10:13,677 --> 00:10:16,301 - Literally the definition. - Oh. 298 00:10:16,370 --> 00:10:18,556 Like you're not addicted to your phone. 299 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:20,744 I need my phone for work, Dre. 300 00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:21,897 Do you now? 301 00:10:21,966 --> 00:10:23,344 - Ahhh. - Paging Dr. Johnson. 302 00:10:23,346 --> 00:10:24,657 - Ahhh. - Dr. Rainbow Johnson. 303 00:10:24,659 --> 00:10:26,643 - Ooh. Ooh. - He's coding! 304 00:10:26,713 --> 00:10:29,471 Oh, wow. How did I get so vain? 305 00:10:29,540 --> 00:10:31,255 Hey, baby, you're not vain just because 306 00:10:31,358 --> 00:10:33,544 you want to spend every waking moment looking your best. 307 00:10:33,647 --> 00:10:35,395 Again, exact definition. 308 00:10:35,465 --> 00:10:37,516 Damn it. I've got to learn more words. 309 00:10:37,619 --> 00:10:38,560 - Dre. - Hmm? 310 00:10:38,629 --> 00:10:40,883 We're addicted. This needs to stop! 311 00:10:40,952 --> 00:10:42,431 Yeah, you're right. You know what? 312 00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:46,235 From now on, this family is offline, all right? 313 00:10:46,338 --> 00:10:47,683 Us included. 314 00:10:47,786 --> 00:10:48,315 Okay. 315 00:10:48,340 --> 00:10:49,928 All right. It'll be a good little experiment. 316 00:10:49,974 --> 00:10:51,420 - Okay. - All right. 317 00:10:53,071 --> 00:10:54,180 ♪ 318 00:10:55,562 --> 00:10:56,603 Don't. 319 00:10:56,706 --> 00:10:57,849 Wha... 320 00:10:57,918 --> 00:10:59,633 - Experiment over. We tried our best. - Oh. 321 00:10:59,770 --> 00:11:01,081 So, I was a lost cause, 322 00:11:01,184 --> 00:11:03,336 but Bow wasn't giving up on our family so easily. 323 00:11:03,405 --> 00:11:04,548 Dre. 324 00:11:04,651 --> 00:11:05,591 - Hmm? - It's called Net-Sitter. 325 00:11:05,694 --> 00:11:06,601 Okay. 326 00:11:06,704 --> 00:11:08,857 - See... Dre? - Yeah? 327 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,069 It's called Net-Sitter. 328 00:11:10,172 --> 00:11:11,550 - Mm-hmm. - Right? 329 00:11:11,619 --> 00:11:14,781 If anyone in our network looks up something inappropriate, 330 00:11:14,851 --> 00:11:15,993 the screen just freezes, 331 00:11:16,096 --> 00:11:17,979 and then you need a code to unlock it. 332 00:11:18,082 --> 00:11:19,158 Oh. 333 00:11:19,261 --> 00:11:21,211 Make the enemy work for us. 334 00:11:21,314 --> 00:11:22,221 Exactly. 335 00:11:22,324 --> 00:11:23,500 And to make it easy, 336 00:11:23,603 --> 00:11:25,789 I thought we would just make the code my birthday. 337 00:11:27,879 --> 00:11:29,189 Which you do know. 338 00:11:29,292 --> 00:11:31,075 - Of course. - Mm-hmm. 339 00:11:32,052 --> 00:11:33,262 But so does everybody else, 340 00:11:33,399 --> 00:11:35,148 which is probably why we shouldn't use it. 341 00:11:35,251 --> 00:11:38,447 - Okay. That was really quick. - Yeah. 342 00:11:38,550 --> 00:11:41,712 So, we gave Net-Sitter a try. 343 00:11:41,815 --> 00:11:43,328 Dad! 344 00:11:43,397 --> 00:11:44,708 All right! 345 00:11:44,811 --> 00:11:46,458 What's the code? 346 00:11:46,561 --> 00:11:47,906 What are you looking up where you need the code? 347 00:11:47,976 --> 00:11:48,883 Nothing. 348 00:11:48,985 --> 00:11:50,666 I was doing research on bonsai trees, 349 00:11:50,769 --> 00:11:53,427 but as soon as I typed in "tiny trimmed Asian"... 350 00:11:53,530 --> 00:11:54,908 Okay, say no more. Say no more. 351 00:11:54,977 --> 00:11:56,625 Dad! 352 00:11:58,344 --> 00:12:00,563 Doh. 353 00:12:00,666 --> 00:12:03,122 Dad! 354 00:12:04,134 --> 00:12:06,016 - There you go. - Thank you. 355 00:12:06,119 --> 00:12:07,801 - Dad. - Yeah. 356 00:12:07,870 --> 00:12:09,517 Who is Ronald Reagan, 357 00:12:09,620 --> 00:12:11,167 and why does it say he's President? 358 00:12:11,304 --> 00:12:12,816 He's not. He's dead. 359 00:12:12,954 --> 00:12:14,096 ♪ 360 00:12:14,165 --> 00:12:15,274 Dre! 361 00:12:16,488 --> 00:12:18,203 - Dre! Dre, Dre. - Yeah. 362 00:12:18,272 --> 00:12:19,515 Fix this, baby. 363 00:12:19,618 --> 00:12:22,175 Fix this. 364 00:12:23,423 --> 00:12:26,652 I am not unlocking that. 365 00:12:26,755 --> 00:12:28,201 ♪ 366 00:12:28,304 --> 00:12:30,389 A good son would let his mama 367 00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:32,475 watch her nighttime stories! 368 00:12:32,545 --> 00:12:33,587 Who was I kidding? 369 00:12:33,690 --> 00:12:35,001 I wasn't going to save my family 370 00:12:35,070 --> 00:12:37,054 with a program that couldn't tell the difference 371 00:12:37,157 --> 00:12:40,353 between porn and homework. 372 00:12:41,937 --> 00:12:44,326 ♪ Man, I'm just so disconnected ♪ 373 00:12:44,394 --> 00:12:47,052 ♪ Yeah, make room, make a way, make my day ♪ 374 00:12:47,155 --> 00:12:48,399 I was feeling hopeless. 375 00:12:48,502 --> 00:12:50,620 How could I cure my kids of a disease 376 00:12:50,723 --> 00:12:52,202 the whole world had caught? 377 00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:54,592 ♪ Man, I'm just so disconnected ♪ 378 00:12:54,695 --> 00:12:57,286 ♪ Yeah, ace to the deuce, though, mucho gusto ♪ 379 00:12:57,389 --> 00:12:59,878 ♪ You so spacey, acey dey uno ♪ 380 00:12:59,981 --> 00:13:01,190 ♪ Flow like sumo, Robinson Caruso ♪ 381 00:13:01,293 --> 00:13:02,335 Hey! 382 00:13:02,438 --> 00:13:04,894 ♪ Man, I'm just so disconnected ♪ 383 00:13:05,972 --> 00:13:07,924 We were becoming screen people. 384 00:13:08,027 --> 00:13:10,717 If aliens landed here, they would think 385 00:13:10,820 --> 00:13:14,286 some other brainwashing overlords got to us first. 386 00:13:14,422 --> 00:13:17,416 Hey, morning everybody. 387 00:13:17,519 --> 00:13:19,234 - All right. - Dre. 388 00:13:19,337 --> 00:13:20,413 Oh, Charlie! 389 00:13:20,481 --> 00:13:22,398 Hey, look, man, let's talk, connect, hug. 390 00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:23,947 You know, I was starting to feel like nobody... 391 00:13:24,016 --> 00:13:27,885 Touch my charger one more time, Dre! 392 00:13:27,955 --> 00:13:29,266 I dare you. 393 00:13:29,369 --> 00:13:30,376 What? 394 00:13:31,489 --> 00:13:33,877 So devices had taken over the world, 395 00:13:33,980 --> 00:13:36,806 but they weren't going to take over my home. 396 00:13:36,909 --> 00:13:37,884 - Okay. - Okay. 397 00:13:37,986 --> 00:13:39,601 I'm going to need all of your devices. 398 00:13:39,669 --> 00:13:40,846 All of them. 399 00:13:40,915 --> 00:13:45,290 Laptops, iPads, iPhones, Surfaces, Kindles, Kindle Fires, 400 00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:47,915 Echos, Wiis, Xboxes, Galaxies, 401 00:13:47,984 --> 00:13:51,012 and your weird old flip phone. 402 00:13:51,082 --> 00:13:52,493 You will be allowed to check them out 403 00:13:52,563 --> 00:13:55,321 on an as-needed basis submitted in writing 404 00:13:55,424 --> 00:13:58,316 for two hours of weekly supervised use. 405 00:13:58,386 --> 00:14:00,270 Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh-mnh-mnh. 406 00:14:00,373 --> 00:14:02,424 I'm grown. Can't control me! 407 00:14:02,527 --> 00:14:06,060 But Tobuscus and PewDiePie are going head-to-head in Minecraft. 408 00:14:06,163 --> 00:14:07,944 Listen to what you're saying. 409 00:14:08,047 --> 00:14:10,099 Go outside, make real fires, 410 00:14:10,202 --> 00:14:12,085 collect real eggs, kill real pigs. 411 00:14:12,189 --> 00:14:13,937 - Kill pi... What? - That's what they do. 412 00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:15,081 Seriously? 413 00:14:15,184 --> 00:14:17,504 You're just going to give up that easily? 414 00:14:17,608 --> 00:14:19,390 I've made it alive this long by listening to her. 415 00:14:19,493 --> 00:14:20,400 Mm-hmm. 416 00:14:20,503 --> 00:14:21,780 Come on, Jack. 417 00:14:21,850 --> 00:14:24,103 Let's go find our old Speak and Spell and turn it in. 418 00:14:24,205 --> 00:14:25,449 Oh, no, honey, you can keep that. 419 00:14:25,552 --> 00:14:26,459 I better not. 420 00:14:26,562 --> 00:14:28,580 Who knows what I might spell? 421 00:14:28,683 --> 00:14:29,826 Mm. 422 00:14:29,929 --> 00:14:31,711 What's going on? 423 00:14:31,813 --> 00:14:33,899 Why have you two gone so crazy? 424 00:14:34,002 --> 00:14:35,919 Since when did you stop trusting us? 425 00:14:35,988 --> 00:14:37,400 It's not that we don't trust you. 426 00:14:37,503 --> 00:14:39,049 - I don't trust you. - I don't, either. 427 00:14:39,119 --> 00:14:42,416 And how can I if we catch you watching beheadings? 428 00:14:42,519 --> 00:14:44,234 What kind of depraved site 429 00:14:44,337 --> 00:14:46,624 do you even go to to see that? 430 00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:48,340 Seriously. 431 00:14:48,477 --> 00:14:49,788 It's the news, Dad. 432 00:14:49,891 --> 00:14:51,707 It's what's going on in the world. 433 00:14:51,810 --> 00:14:53,087 Just because it's happening 434 00:14:53,156 --> 00:14:54,905 doesn't mean you should be watching it. 435 00:14:55,041 --> 00:14:57,698 And you shouldn't be posting half-naked pictures! 436 00:14:57,801 --> 00:14:59,280 I'm in a bathing suit. 437 00:14:59,384 --> 00:15:00,964 - In your bedroom. - Yeah. 438 00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:03,994 - Making duck lips for no reason. - No reason. 439 00:15:04,097 --> 00:15:05,374 I have a reason. 440 00:15:05,444 --> 00:15:08,067 Marco broke up with me because he said I had no booty, 441 00:15:08,170 --> 00:15:10,154 - so I wanted to rub it in his face. - Oh, my God. 442 00:15:10,257 --> 00:15:11,333 Sad. 443 00:15:11,368 --> 00:15:14,126 Letting yourself be affected by a stupid boy. 444 00:15:14,196 --> 00:15:15,506 Come on, Mom. 445 00:15:15,609 --> 00:15:18,570 It's the same thing as you wanting to make an ex jealous 446 00:15:18,673 --> 00:15:21,364 by showing up to Studio 54 in your glitter shorts. 447 00:15:21,433 --> 00:15:22,374 Studio 5... How... 448 00:15:22,477 --> 00:15:24,057 How old do you think I am?! 449 00:15:24,159 --> 00:15:26,043 Instagram is the club now. 450 00:15:26,146 --> 00:15:29,544 Every like I get that I know Marco sees is empowering. 451 00:15:29,681 --> 00:15:30,790 What? 452 00:15:30,893 --> 00:15:32,775 Or would you prefer I let him body-shame me? 453 00:15:32,812 --> 00:15:33,752 No, no, no, okay? 454 00:15:33,855 --> 00:15:35,570 Every part of this conversation is just... 455 00:15:35,639 --> 00:15:37,421 You... you talk to her. You talk to her. 456 00:15:37,491 --> 00:15:39,610 - Put on more clothes! - Yes! 457 00:15:39,678 --> 00:15:41,057 And who the hell is Marco? 458 00:15:41,126 --> 00:15:42,975 Zoey's right. 459 00:15:43,079 --> 00:15:44,524 Everything happens on the Internet, 460 00:15:44,627 --> 00:15:46,611 and it's not like it's all dangerous. 461 00:15:46,782 --> 00:15:48,429 In some ways, it's even safer. 462 00:15:48,499 --> 00:15:50,112 Fan sites are the only place 463 00:15:50,182 --> 00:15:53,613 that I can talk about elves and orcs and anime 464 00:15:53,716 --> 00:15:54,892 without being mocked for it. 465 00:15:54,995 --> 00:15:56,407 Not now, nerd. 466 00:15:56,510 --> 00:15:58,697 See? That's why we need the Internet. 467 00:15:58,765 --> 00:16:01,423 It gives a voice to everyone that doesn't have one. 468 00:16:01,526 --> 00:16:03,847 It's how we do everything... Homework, research. 469 00:16:03,950 --> 00:16:05,900 It's where we get all our information. 470 00:16:06,003 --> 00:16:06,943 Yeah, Dad. 471 00:16:07,013 --> 00:16:08,425 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 472 00:16:08,528 --> 00:16:10,108 And half of that information is wrong. 473 00:16:10,211 --> 00:16:11,287 Exactly. 474 00:16:11,356 --> 00:16:13,407 The other day, I looked up Tom Selleck's net worth, 475 00:16:13,510 --> 00:16:15,931 and it said $4 billion. 476 00:16:16,034 --> 00:16:17,042 What? 477 00:16:17,146 --> 00:16:19,769 Billion, with a "B"... Tom Selleck! 478 00:16:19,839 --> 00:16:21,082 That could be right. 479 00:16:21,186 --> 00:16:24,280 I mean, he could have family money or an art collection. 480 00:16:24,350 --> 00:16:25,324 You don't know. 481 00:16:25,326 --> 00:16:26,704 I don't care! 482 00:16:26,807 --> 00:16:29,134 I... don't... care! 483 00:16:29,196 --> 00:16:31,202 The Internet is rotting your brain 484 00:16:31,217 --> 00:16:34,043 - and destroying your wonderful souls! - Mm-hmm. 485 00:16:34,075 --> 00:16:36,597 Seems like you're having a parenting crisis. 486 00:16:36,700 --> 00:16:38,362 - What?! - If only there was a resource 487 00:16:38,371 --> 00:16:40,627 you could use to get helpful information. 488 00:16:40,807 --> 00:16:41,849 Oh, I know. 489 00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:45,215 Get out your White Pages, find your local library, 490 00:16:45,318 --> 00:16:46,764 fight through some bums, 491 00:16:46,834 --> 00:16:49,693 and get a book from the '50s that tells you to beat us. 492 00:16:49,796 --> 00:16:51,780 I don't need a book to tell me 493 00:16:51,883 --> 00:16:53,463 to beat your Orcen ass. 494 00:16:53,566 --> 00:16:56,392 Even you take our Internet away, we can get online anywhere. 495 00:16:56,495 --> 00:16:58,412 You're just going to have to trust us. 496 00:16:58,514 --> 00:17:01,374 - Okay, okay. - N... 497 00:17:01,477 --> 00:17:02,990 Oh, God. 498 00:17:03,093 --> 00:17:05,010 - All right. - We're too late, Dre. 499 00:17:05,113 --> 00:17:06,760 It's over. 500 00:17:06,829 --> 00:17:07,871 Yeah. 501 00:17:07,974 --> 00:17:10,732 We've lost them to porn and Pee-Dee-Wee-Dee-Pie. 502 00:17:10,835 --> 00:17:11,843 Oh, God. 503 00:17:12,248 --> 00:17:13,929 - Babe? - Hmm? 504 00:17:15,546 --> 00:17:18,778 Why were you looking up Tom Selleck's net worth? 505 00:17:19,385 --> 00:17:23,826 Oh. I was ranking the wealth of mustachioed heartthrobs. 506 00:17:23,929 --> 00:17:26,924 - Mm. - But it seems unimportant now. 507 00:17:30,854 --> 00:17:34,185 - I can't sleep. - Mm, me either. 508 00:17:34,287 --> 00:17:36,776 Can I have a bite, babe? 509 00:17:36,779 --> 00:17:38,730 - What? - I know how this ends, 510 00:17:38,833 --> 00:17:41,321 so I'm just gonna give you half right now. 511 00:17:41,322 --> 00:17:43,576 Oh, you're a good man. Even get the chips. 512 00:17:43,577 --> 00:17:45,258 I hate the world. 513 00:17:45,259 --> 00:17:46,604 And it's only getting worse. 514 00:17:46,618 --> 00:17:47,626 Mm. 515 00:17:47,794 --> 00:17:49,005 I mean, if Diane is looking at online porn 516 00:17:49,108 --> 00:17:51,496 at 10 years old, what... 517 00:17:51,565 --> 00:17:53,516 What is this little one going to be looking at 518 00:17:53,619 --> 00:17:54,862 - 10 years from now? - Mnh-mnh. 519 00:17:54,931 --> 00:17:57,185 By then, porn will automatically be uploaded 520 00:17:57,288 --> 00:17:58,329 into the kid's brain. 521 00:17:58,432 --> 00:18:01,898 Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah. 522 00:18:01,908 --> 00:18:03,790 Knock it off with all the doom and gloom. 523 00:18:03,792 --> 00:18:05,407 You think any of this is new? 524 00:18:05,409 --> 00:18:06,922 I went through the same thing with you. 525 00:18:07,025 --> 00:18:08,806 ♪ Oh, me so horny ♪ 526 00:18:08,909 --> 00:18:10,322 ♪ Oh-oh, so horny ♪ 527 00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:11,466 Ah! 528 00:18:11,569 --> 00:18:13,621 Save us, Black Jesus! 529 00:18:13,689 --> 00:18:14,933 Oooooh! 530 00:18:15,036 --> 00:18:17,290 There's always gonna be something coming into your house 531 00:18:17,393 --> 00:18:18,333 that you can't control. 532 00:18:18,403 --> 00:18:19,545 I know. 533 00:18:19,719 --> 00:18:21,972 Kids will never stop being curious. 534 00:18:22,041 --> 00:18:24,632 You just need to understand why they're looking at 535 00:18:24,700 --> 00:18:25,911 whatever the hell they're looking at. 536 00:18:26,014 --> 00:18:28,234 My Dre was looking at that video 537 00:18:28,336 --> 00:18:29,883 'cause he wanted to know about sex. 538 00:18:29,986 --> 00:18:31,061 I already knew about sex. 539 00:18:31,164 --> 00:18:32,576 I just liked looking at wet butts. 540 00:18:32,679 --> 00:18:34,192 Don't fight the future, baby. 541 00:18:35,473 --> 00:18:38,063 It just makes you look old. 542 00:18:38,133 --> 00:18:39,645 - And you... - What? 543 00:18:39,715 --> 00:18:41,598 ... you must be fighting it a lot. 544 00:18:41,701 --> 00:18:43,450 Yeah. 545 00:18:43,552 --> 00:18:46,075 That was my burger. 546 00:18:46,178 --> 00:18:47,354 I hate when she's sane. 547 00:18:47,457 --> 00:18:49,139 Makes me question everything I know. 548 00:18:49,242 --> 00:18:50,889 What you really need to be worried about... 549 00:18:50,992 --> 00:18:52,572 Oh, my God. 550 00:18:52,675 --> 00:18:58,329 ... is vaccines, Guatemalans, and first contact 551 00:18:58,397 --> 00:19:02,301 with the long-fingered aliens coming to the Earth. 552 00:19:02,370 --> 00:19:03,411 Yeah. 553 00:19:03,514 --> 00:19:07,182 And she's back. 554 00:19:07,284 --> 00:19:09,067 ♪ 555 00:19:09,102 --> 00:19:11,524 Ah, hey, baby girl. 556 00:19:11,628 --> 00:19:12,905 - Hey. - Hey. 557 00:19:13,008 --> 00:19:14,520 How come nobody's talking about 558 00:19:14,590 --> 00:19:16,001 how messed up East Germany is? 559 00:19:16,071 --> 00:19:17,517 Ah, okay. I think... 560 00:19:17,585 --> 00:19:19,738 I think these books are setting you back a little bit. 561 00:19:19,841 --> 00:19:22,599 So, we're sorry. 562 00:19:22,669 --> 00:19:25,191 We were just so worried about what you saw 563 00:19:25,202 --> 00:19:28,567 that we weren't paying attention to your actual question. 564 00:19:28,568 --> 00:19:31,058 So, you want to know about sex? 565 00:19:31,059 --> 00:19:33,448 Let's talk about sex, okay? 566 00:19:33,484 --> 00:19:35,299 Okay. Your dad and I are here for you. 567 00:19:35,301 --> 00:19:37,084 Dre... uh... 568 00:19:37,119 --> 00:19:38,330 Okay. 569 00:19:38,433 --> 00:19:40,652 So, Bow and I had a great talk with Diane. 570 00:19:40,823 --> 00:19:43,110 I mean, I did most of the heavy lifting. 571 00:19:43,448 --> 00:19:44,658 Bow was a mess. 572 00:19:44,659 --> 00:19:45,801 And what makes it... 573 00:19:46,983 --> 00:19:48,798 And that's when we decided 574 00:19:48,801 --> 00:19:51,727 that instead of letting technology isolate us, 575 00:19:51,730 --> 00:19:53,040 we'd use it to bring us together. 576 00:19:53,143 --> 00:19:54,589 Hold... Hold on! This way! 577 00:19:54,692 --> 00:19:57,886 But sometimes the best way to bring your family together 578 00:19:57,995 --> 00:20:01,511 is to leave technology behind. 579 00:20:07,931 --> 00:20:10,419 Oh, like you're perfect? 580 00:20:11,838 --> 00:20:13,654 I thought you were scared off the Internet. 581 00:20:13,757 --> 00:20:17,155 Well, I was, but Mommy and I had a good talk. 582 00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:19,350 Now I'm back to using it for its intended purpose... 583 00:20:19,419 --> 00:20:23,726 Cyberbullying Charlie. 584 00:20:25,984 --> 00:20:28,472 Hey, what's going on, man? 585 00:20:28,575 --> 00:20:31,671 I just got another tweet from CharlieTelphysBigFatButt. 586 00:20:31,935 --> 00:20:34,020 Someone's tweeting as my butt, Dre. 587 00:20:34,123 --> 00:20:35,568 It's hurtful. 588 00:20:35,638 --> 00:20:38,396 - I guess it's back to Spanx. - Okay. 589 00:20:40,113 --> 00:20:41,367 Don't act like you don't wear 'em.