1
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The Internet.
2
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Hands down, the world's
greatest invention.
3
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I guess I could also
give it up for vaccines,
4
00:00:06,389 --> 00:00:09,585
drop-top Bentleys, Yeezys,
brioche French toast,
5
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the L.L. Bean guaranteed return policy,
6
00:00:12,483 --> 00:00:15,241
self-starting briquettes,
and the Great Wall of China.
7
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But you know what?
8
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They all take a backseat to the Internet
9
00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:22,672
because thanks to the Internet,
10
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in two keystrokes, we can hear any song,
11
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order any pair of limited sneakers,
12
00:00:28,060 --> 00:00:31,087
put together a consistently
losing fantasy team,
13
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order authentic deepdish Chicago pizza,
14
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and like photos of our
ex-girlfriend's trip to Cabo.
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Not that anyone cares
what Shawna's been up to
16
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or how she has a six-pack now.
17
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Sure, the Internet
has rendered encyclopedias,
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Yellow Pages, newspapers, record shops,
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and book stores obsolete.
20
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But it's been incredibly
convenient for me. Whoo!
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Yup, the Internet puts everything
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right at our fingertips.
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Oh, yeah.
24
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Mm, new.
25
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Unfortunately, some of those fingertips
26
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belong to our children.
27
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Diane!
28
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Uh...
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Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
30
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We need to talk.
31
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Please don't be pregnant.
32
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I'm not ready to be a father!
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What?
34
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Jokes.
35
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I'm all in on this one.
36
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Although five is a lot.
37
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I', serious. Come here.
38
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What? Okay, okay, baby. I'm right here.
39
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I came home from work today,
40
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and I caught Diane on her
laptop watching this.
41
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Ohh.
42
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Ohh!
43
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- Diane saw this?
- Uh-huh.
44
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Oh, this is dirty.
45
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Like, "German exchange
student arrives in Tokyo",
46
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"orders pizza, and can't
pay for it" dirty.
47
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What?
48
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Y-You work weird hours,
49
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and sometimes, I have to occupy my time.
50
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Uh-huh. Okay. Ye... Dre? Dre.
51
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Our baby saw that.
52
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She... What'd you do?
53
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What'd you say to her?
54
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Wha... I think I handled it
pretty great.
55
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No! Bad!
56
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♪
57
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- Mommy!
- Oh!
58
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You scolded her like a
dog and ran out on her?!
59
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You know what?
60
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Next time, just squirt
her with a spray bottle.
61
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Dre, I didn't know what to say, okay?
62
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Besides, I didn't think
63
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I should talk to her
about it without you.
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No. No, mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh, no.
65
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I would just clutter it up.
66
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Okay, we've got to streamline this.
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Clear message... Yours.
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Wha...
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- You got this, Bow.
- Huh?
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♪
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Hey, baby.
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Hi.
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So, your dad and I...
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Wait. You told Dad?
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See? Told you. It wasn't
none of my business.
76
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No. We... we wanted to talk to you
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about what you were looking at before.
78
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I'm so sorry, but girls at my school
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were talking about sex,
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- so I looked up the definition online.
- Mm.
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I was still confused,
82
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so I clicked "video,"
and that popped up.
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I know I shouldn't have kept looking,
84
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but I just... froze.
85
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Wow.
86
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Is this, uh, maple? Mm.
87
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Am I a pervert now?
88
00:03:01,550 --> 00:03:03,401
No, honey. No, of course not.
89
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Well...
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And it is totally fine for
you to be curious, all right?
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But what you saw
is inappropriate for kids.
92
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I know. It was scary.
93
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I didn't even know
what I was looking at.
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That's why we don't want you
looking at that stuff anymore.
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Don't worry. I don't want to.
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Good.
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And just so you know,
that video wasn't real.
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It has nothing to do
with sex between two people
99
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that love each other.
100
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Yeah, especially after you've
been together a few years.
101
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It's like...
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Uh. Mm.
103
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Those are just actors.
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- More like, uh, stuntmen.
- Dre!
105
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- Hmm?
- Seriously.
106
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We just want you to know
107
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that you didn't do anything wrong.
108
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- Okay?
- So you're not mad.
109
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No, sweetheart. Not at all.
110
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But, so, in the future,
if you get confused
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or curious about something,
just don't go online, all right?
112
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Just come talk to us.
113
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Come to me and your daddy.
114
00:03:53,493 --> 00:03:54,939
- Right, Dad...
- No, no, no. Not me.
115
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- Daddy?
- Huh?
116
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Yeah. Da...
117
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Yeah, we're... we're your parents,
118
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and, uh, she will always
be there for you.
119
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Yeah, okay.
120
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You... It's all good, sweetheart.
121
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Oh.
122
00:04:07,732 --> 00:04:10,491
What were Mom and Dad
talking to you about?
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Nothing.
124
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Tell me!
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You're too young to know.
126
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You're only four minutes older than me.
127
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Trust me, I'm looking out
for your best interests.
128
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I wish someone did that for me.
129
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What is sex?
130
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Google it. Google it.
131
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Okay.
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Cherish your innocence, friend.
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It's gone before you know it.
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♪
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I couldn't stop thinking about
the filth my baby girl saw,
136
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so I brought it to the experts.
137
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They didn't know much about kids,
138
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but they knew all about filth.
139
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Didn't have to log in,
didn't have to pay,
140
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just one click,
141
00:04:44,627 --> 00:04:46,847
and the most disgusting smut
you can imagine just pops up.
142
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That is awful.
143
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They... should be... monetizing that.
144
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I'm telling you,
it's just too damn accessible.
145
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Back in my day, if we wanted skin mags,
146
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you had to tramp
all the way down to the river,
147
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steal 'em from a hobo.
148
00:04:59,708 --> 00:05:01,154
I'm telling you,
it was just a simpler time.
149
00:05:01,223 --> 00:05:03,443
All I had access to
was a Sears catalogue.
150
00:05:03,513 --> 00:05:05,193
That's why fuller coverage bras
151
00:05:05,296 --> 00:05:06,877
and work boots get me going.
152
00:05:06,946 --> 00:05:08,795
Me and my brother used to
sneak into the neighbor's yard
153
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and watch the dogs doing it.
154
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And then when they were about to finish,
155
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we would, uh, throw a cat at them.
156
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Boys will be boys.
157
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White boys.
158
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Wow.
159
00:05:19,031 --> 00:05:21,016
Now I understand why
the board asked me to come in.
160
00:05:21,119 --> 00:05:23,708
You don't even pretend
to talk about business.
161
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I'm... I'm sorry. Who are you?
162
00:05:25,393 --> 00:05:26,907
Oh, hey, Dre, a little respect
163
00:05:26,975 --> 00:05:28,489
for your new colleague, Lucy.
164
00:05:28,524 --> 00:05:30,979
- Rachel.
- Right. Lucy was the old one.
165
00:05:31,049 --> 00:05:33,505
You fired her to make room
for you creepy son.
166
00:05:33,608 --> 00:05:35,692
- Connor. Hi.
- Hi.
167
00:05:35,862 --> 00:05:37,678
Anyway, let's, uh,
let's make her feel welcome.
168
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Then, when she takes
her first to bathroom break,
169
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we can honestly and
fairly assess her looks.
170
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Something on her face is too high.
171
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Not... Not... Not yet,
sweetheart. We... We wait.
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Wow. HR was right.
173
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This place is a ticking time bomb.
174
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Uh, is this about the toxic racism?
175
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That was not mentioned at all.
176
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Are you mentioning it now?
177
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Uh...
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No.
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00:06:03,433 --> 00:06:06,056
Look, you've got to nip this in the bud
180
00:06:06,126 --> 00:06:08,245
before she goes off
to college next year.
181
00:06:08,348 --> 00:06:09,491
College?
182
00:06:09,594 --> 00:06:11,611
I'm not talking about Zoey.
183
00:06:12,522 --> 00:06:13,564
I'm talking about Diane.
184
00:06:14,037 --> 00:06:15,130
The 10-year-old?!
185
00:06:15,131 --> 00:06:16,736
Wait. We're talking about a 10-year-old?
186
00:06:16,737 --> 00:06:18,721
Oh, to hell with work.
Let's get into this.
187
00:06:18,722 --> 00:06:20,302
Maybe we can save that poor baby.
188
00:06:20,303 --> 00:06:21,446
No, it is too late.
189
00:06:21,447 --> 00:06:23,802
Your daughter is irretrievably damaged.
190
00:06:23,803 --> 00:06:25,787
- What?
- So it's Diane who has the Internet?
191
00:06:25,788 --> 00:06:27,940
That evil child wants me dead.
192
00:06:28,041 --> 00:06:30,900
So, now she can just
buy weapons and poison
193
00:06:30,969 --> 00:06:32,078
and... bitcoins.
194
00:06:32,081 --> 00:06:34,940
And travel unencumbered
down the Silk Road.
195
00:06:35,008 --> 00:06:37,330
I got to get out of here.
196
00:06:37,433 --> 00:06:39,686
But I have nowhere to go.
197
00:06:39,789 --> 00:06:42,143
And she knows it.
198
00:06:42,246 --> 00:06:44,870
She knows it.
199
00:06:44,973 --> 00:06:46,351
You white.
200
00:06:46,421 --> 00:06:48,303
You got a guest house. Can I stay there?
201
00:06:48,406 --> 00:06:50,896
I still can't believe my baby saw that.
202
00:06:50,999 --> 00:06:52,814
Oh, my God. She's only 10!
203
00:06:52,918 --> 00:06:54,161
That's actually pretty typical.
204
00:06:54,163 --> 00:06:55,239
Huh?
205
00:06:55,308 --> 00:06:57,022
Yeah, I read the number of kids
Diane's age
206
00:06:57,125 --> 00:06:59,883
who are addicted to online porn
is off the charts.
207
00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:01,601
Pam, she's not addicted!
208
00:07:01,670 --> 00:07:04,462
She saw one thing one time,
and she regrets it.
209
00:07:04,531 --> 00:07:07,627
I feel air on my liver.
210
00:07:07,695 --> 00:07:09,141
I forgot to regulate. Oh, God.
211
00:07:09,244 --> 00:07:11,296
Shh! This is all a dream.
212
00:07:11,399 --> 00:07:13,215
This is all dream.
213
00:07:13,283 --> 00:07:14,999
Slowly, slowly...
214
00:07:16,414 --> 00:07:17,590
My life is a nightmare.
215
00:07:17,693 --> 00:07:19,173
Sweetie, you need to relax.
216
00:07:19,276 --> 00:07:21,461
I'm talking statistics, not Diane.
217
00:07:21,531 --> 00:07:23,415
She's probably
going to be fine.
218
00:07:23,518 --> 00:07:24,694
Possibly going to be fine.
219
00:07:24,763 --> 00:07:25,805
- What?
- I'd be worried.
220
00:07:25,908 --> 00:07:27,353
She's the weird one, right?
221
00:07:28,399 --> 00:07:30,180
Yeah.
222
00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:31,796
Hey, are you okay?
223
00:07:31,866 --> 00:07:34,153
You sounded so upset on the phone,
I was worried about you driving.
224
00:07:34,256 --> 00:07:36,206
Don' worry. I calmed down first.
225
00:07:39,373 --> 00:07:41,424
Shut up! My baby's broken!
226
00:07:43,042 --> 00:07:45,363
Good 'cause getting
stressed out about this
227
00:07:45,466 --> 00:07:46,608
doesn't help anything.
228
00:07:48,058 --> 00:07:49,738
Move, fools! My child's diseased!
229
00:07:50,818 --> 00:07:52,432
Dre, I'm still freaking out.
230
00:07:52,535 --> 00:07:56,371
Pam said that kids looking
at online porn is an epidemic.
231
00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:57,381
Like Cross Colours?
232
00:07:57,484 --> 00:07:58,963
'Cause that got to everyone.
233
00:08:02,667 --> 00:08:04,282
Dre, what if it's not just Diane?
234
00:08:04,418 --> 00:08:05,628
What if it's all of them?
235
00:08:05,731 --> 00:08:07,311
Who knows what they've been exposed to?
236
00:08:07,381 --> 00:08:09,465
- You should talk to them.
- Dre!
237
00:08:09,568 --> 00:08:11,923
I can't just ask them what
they've been doing online.
238
00:08:12,026 --> 00:08:14,010
The only reason that
Diane told us the truth
239
00:08:14,113 --> 00:08:15,356
is 'cause she was caught.
240
00:08:15,426 --> 00:08:18,184
- Yeah.
- We cannot trust any of them.
241
00:08:18,287 --> 00:08:21,012
Nope. We got to be sneaky, Dre.
242
00:08:21,115 --> 00:08:23,133
Sneaky.
243
00:08:23,235 --> 00:08:25,288
I like this in you.
244
00:08:25,390 --> 00:08:27,711
So, to see if my beloved Internet
245
00:08:27,814 --> 00:08:31,549
had really damaged all my kids,
we started spying on them,
246
00:08:31,652 --> 00:08:33,433
and we did not like what we saw.
247
00:08:33,503 --> 00:08:36,059
♪ ... your every move ♪
248
00:08:36,162 --> 00:08:38,382
- ♪ Private eyes ♪
- Sexy selfies...
249
00:08:38,485 --> 00:08:40,099
♪ They're watching you ♪
250
00:08:40,202 --> 00:08:41,580
♪ Private eyes ♪
251
00:08:41,683 --> 00:08:42,859
♪ They're watching you ♪
252
00:08:42,962 --> 00:08:46,697
... extreme violence,
insane YouTube gamers...
253
00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:47,942
Go PewDiePie!
254
00:08:48,012 --> 00:08:50,231
Beat him! Go, go get him!
255
00:08:50,334 --> 00:08:51,611
... and whatever this was.
256
00:08:51,714 --> 00:08:52,958
Hello, Davis.
257
00:08:53,061 --> 00:08:57,234
Honey, I am so sorry to hear
about your grandmother.
258
00:08:57,337 --> 00:08:59,018
♪ Private eyes ♪
259
00:08:59,121 --> 00:09:00,700
♪ Watching you ♪
260
00:09:00,803 --> 00:09:01,745
♪ Private eyes ♪
261
00:09:01,813 --> 00:09:02,855
♪ Watching you ♪
262
00:09:02,958 --> 00:09:04,100
♪ Yeah ♪
263
00:09:04,170 --> 00:09:05,750
♪ They see your every move ♪
264
00:09:05,853 --> 00:09:07,399
- Dre.
- Huh?
265
00:09:07,502 --> 00:09:09,454
It's not just Diane, and
it's not just porn.
266
00:09:09,556 --> 00:09:11,237
You are going to have a heart attack
267
00:09:11,340 --> 00:09:13,560
when you find out what
Zoey's posting on Instagram.
268
00:09:13,664 --> 00:09:15,816
Junior is watching beheadings.
269
00:09:15,918 --> 00:09:17,599
- What?
- Wasn't it just last week
270
00:09:17,703 --> 00:09:19,721
that he was playing
video games with Jack?
271
00:09:19,824 --> 00:09:21,303
Jack doesn't play
video games anymore.
272
00:09:21,406 --> 00:09:23,558
He watches some foulmouthed
fish-n-chip-eating Swedish guy
273
00:09:23,661 --> 00:09:24,669
play video games.
274
00:09:24,772 --> 00:09:25,948
- Why?
- I don't know!
275
00:09:26,051 --> 00:09:27,833
I don't know anything anymore!
276
00:09:29,014 --> 00:09:30,661
What is happening with our children?
277
00:09:30,764 --> 00:09:32,714
At least we don't have
to worry about Diane.
278
00:09:32,817 --> 00:09:35,306
She's busy doing homework
with my old World Books.
279
00:09:35,409 --> 00:09:36,485
Aw, that's very sweet.
280
00:09:37,597 --> 00:09:39,245
Wait a minute.
281
00:09:39,348 --> 00:09:40,625
Hmm?
282
00:09:40,695 --> 00:09:43,453
Diane is the healthiest
child in our house?
283
00:09:43,523 --> 00:09:46,011
- We're in trouble.
- We're in trouble.
284
00:09:47,407 --> 00:09:48,468
Zoey in a towel.
285
00:09:48,983 --> 00:09:50,677
Zoey in a bathing suit.
286
00:09:52,058 --> 00:09:54,580
- Zoey naked in the bathtub.
- What?!
287
00:09:54,581 --> 00:09:56,633
Well, it's just a baby pic for
Throwback Thursday, but still.
288
00:09:56,634 --> 00:09:58,786
- How does she think that this is okay?
- I don't know.
289
00:09:58,866 --> 00:10:00,984
Maybe from her giant
hypocrite of a father.
290
00:10:01,087 --> 00:10:02,264
How am I a hypocrite?!
291
00:10:02,299 --> 00:10:03,745
I know what you like on Instagram, Dre.
292
00:10:03,814 --> 00:10:05,697
Oh. Yeah. You don't want your daughter
293
00:10:05,766 --> 00:10:07,381
posting sexy pictures on Instagram,
294
00:10:07,449 --> 00:10:09,872
and you're addicted to liking
sexy pictures on Instagram.
295
00:10:09,940 --> 00:10:12,262
Just because I don't want
my daughter doing what I do,
296
00:10:12,365 --> 00:10:13,574
that makes me a hypocrite?
297
00:10:13,677 --> 00:10:16,301
- Literally the definition.
- Oh.
298
00:10:16,370 --> 00:10:18,556
Like you're not addicted to your phone.
299
00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:20,744
I need my phone for work, Dre.
300
00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:21,897
Do you now?
301
00:10:21,966 --> 00:10:23,344
- Ahhh.
- Paging Dr. Johnson.
302
00:10:23,346 --> 00:10:24,657
- Ahhh.
- Dr. Rainbow Johnson.
303
00:10:24,659 --> 00:10:26,643
- Ooh. Ooh.
- He's coding!
304
00:10:26,713 --> 00:10:29,471
Oh, wow. How did I get so vain?
305
00:10:29,540 --> 00:10:31,255
Hey, baby, you're not vain just because
306
00:10:31,358 --> 00:10:33,544
you want to spend every
waking moment looking your best.
307
00:10:33,647 --> 00:10:35,395
Again, exact definition.
308
00:10:35,465 --> 00:10:37,516
Damn it. I've got to learn more words.
309
00:10:37,619 --> 00:10:38,560
- Dre.
- Hmm?
310
00:10:38,629 --> 00:10:40,883
We're addicted. This needs to stop!
311
00:10:40,952 --> 00:10:42,431
Yeah, you're right. You know what?
312
00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:46,235
From now on, this family
is offline, all right?
313
00:10:46,338 --> 00:10:47,683
Us included.
314
00:10:47,786 --> 00:10:48,315
Okay.
315
00:10:48,340 --> 00:10:49,928
All right. It'll be a
good little experiment.
316
00:10:49,974 --> 00:10:51,420
- Okay.
- All right.
317
00:10:53,071 --> 00:10:54,180
♪
318
00:10:55,562 --> 00:10:56,603
Don't.
319
00:10:56,706 --> 00:10:57,849
Wha...
320
00:10:57,918 --> 00:10:59,633
- Experiment over. We tried our best.
- Oh.
321
00:10:59,770 --> 00:11:01,081
So, I was a lost cause,
322
00:11:01,184 --> 00:11:03,336
but Bow wasn't giving up
on our family so easily.
323
00:11:03,405 --> 00:11:04,548
Dre.
324
00:11:04,651 --> 00:11:05,591
- Hmm?
- It's called Net-Sitter.
325
00:11:05,694 --> 00:11:06,601
Okay.
326
00:11:06,704 --> 00:11:08,857
- See... Dre?
- Yeah?
327
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,069
It's called Net-Sitter.
328
00:11:10,172 --> 00:11:11,550
- Mm-hmm.
- Right?
329
00:11:11,619 --> 00:11:14,781
If anyone in our network looks
up something inappropriate,
330
00:11:14,851 --> 00:11:15,993
the screen just freezes,
331
00:11:16,096 --> 00:11:17,979
and then you need a code to unlock it.
332
00:11:18,082 --> 00:11:19,158
Oh.
333
00:11:19,261 --> 00:11:21,211
Make the enemy work for us.
334
00:11:21,314 --> 00:11:22,221
Exactly.
335
00:11:22,324 --> 00:11:23,500
And to make it easy,
336
00:11:23,603 --> 00:11:25,789
I thought we would just
make the code my birthday.
337
00:11:27,879 --> 00:11:29,189
Which you do know.
338
00:11:29,292 --> 00:11:31,075
- Of course.
- Mm-hmm.
339
00:11:32,052 --> 00:11:33,262
But so does everybody else,
340
00:11:33,399 --> 00:11:35,148
which is probably
why we shouldn't use it.
341
00:11:35,251 --> 00:11:38,447
- Okay. That was really quick.
- Yeah.
342
00:11:38,550 --> 00:11:41,712
So, we gave Net-Sitter a try.
343
00:11:41,815 --> 00:11:43,328
Dad!
344
00:11:43,397 --> 00:11:44,708
All right!
345
00:11:44,811 --> 00:11:46,458
What's the code?
346
00:11:46,561 --> 00:11:47,906
What are you looking up
where you need the code?
347
00:11:47,976 --> 00:11:48,883
Nothing.
348
00:11:48,985 --> 00:11:50,666
I was doing research
on bonsai trees,
349
00:11:50,769 --> 00:11:53,427
but as soon as I typed in
"tiny trimmed Asian"...
350
00:11:53,530 --> 00:11:54,908
Okay, say no more. Say no more.
351
00:11:54,977 --> 00:11:56,625
Dad!
352
00:11:58,344 --> 00:12:00,563
Doh.
353
00:12:00,666 --> 00:12:03,122
Dad!
354
00:12:04,134 --> 00:12:06,016
- There you go.
- Thank you.
355
00:12:06,119 --> 00:12:07,801
- Dad.
- Yeah.
356
00:12:07,870 --> 00:12:09,517
Who is Ronald Reagan,
357
00:12:09,620 --> 00:12:11,167
and why does it say he's President?
358
00:12:11,304 --> 00:12:12,816
He's not. He's dead.
359
00:12:12,954 --> 00:12:14,096
♪
360
00:12:14,165 --> 00:12:15,274
Dre!
361
00:12:16,488 --> 00:12:18,203
- Dre! Dre, Dre.
- Yeah.
362
00:12:18,272 --> 00:12:19,515
Fix this, baby.
363
00:12:19,618 --> 00:12:22,175
Fix this.
364
00:12:23,423 --> 00:12:26,652
I am not unlocking that.
365
00:12:26,755 --> 00:12:28,201
♪
366
00:12:28,304 --> 00:12:30,389
A good son would let his mama
367
00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:32,475
watch her nighttime stories!
368
00:12:32,545 --> 00:12:33,587
Who was I kidding?
369
00:12:33,690 --> 00:12:35,001
I wasn't going to save my family
370
00:12:35,070 --> 00:12:37,054
with a program that couldn't
tell the difference
371
00:12:37,157 --> 00:12:40,353
between porn and homework.
372
00:12:41,937 --> 00:12:44,326
♪ Man, I'm just so disconnected ♪
373
00:12:44,394 --> 00:12:47,052
♪ Yeah, make room,
make a way, make my day ♪
374
00:12:47,155 --> 00:12:48,399
I was feeling hopeless.
375
00:12:48,502 --> 00:12:50,620
How could I cure my kids
of a disease
376
00:12:50,723 --> 00:12:52,202
the whole world had caught?
377
00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:54,592
♪ Man, I'm just so disconnected ♪
378
00:12:54,695 --> 00:12:57,286
♪ Yeah, ace to the deuce,
though, mucho gusto ♪
379
00:12:57,389 --> 00:12:59,878
♪ You so spacey, acey dey uno ♪
380
00:12:59,981 --> 00:13:01,190
♪ Flow like sumo, Robinson Caruso ♪
381
00:13:01,293 --> 00:13:02,335
Hey!
382
00:13:02,438 --> 00:13:04,894
♪ Man, I'm just so disconnected ♪
383
00:13:05,972 --> 00:13:07,924
We were becoming screen people.
384
00:13:08,027 --> 00:13:10,717
If aliens landed here, they would think
385
00:13:10,820 --> 00:13:14,286
some other brainwashing
overlords got to us first.
386
00:13:14,422 --> 00:13:17,416
Hey, morning everybody.
387
00:13:17,519 --> 00:13:19,234
- All right.
- Dre.
388
00:13:19,337 --> 00:13:20,413
Oh, Charlie!
389
00:13:20,481 --> 00:13:22,398
Hey, look, man, let's
talk, connect, hug.
390
00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:23,947
You know, I was starting
to feel like nobody...
391
00:13:24,016 --> 00:13:27,885
Touch my charger one more time, Dre!
392
00:13:27,955 --> 00:13:29,266
I dare you.
393
00:13:29,369 --> 00:13:30,376
What?
394
00:13:31,489 --> 00:13:33,877
So devices had taken over the world,
395
00:13:33,980 --> 00:13:36,806
but they weren't going to
take over my home.
396
00:13:36,909 --> 00:13:37,884
- Okay.
- Okay.
397
00:13:37,986 --> 00:13:39,601
I'm going to need all of your devices.
398
00:13:39,669 --> 00:13:40,846
All of them.
399
00:13:40,915 --> 00:13:45,290
Laptops, iPads, iPhones,
Surfaces, Kindles, Kindle Fires,
400
00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:47,915
Echos, Wiis, Xboxes, Galaxies,
401
00:13:47,984 --> 00:13:51,012
and your weird old flip phone.
402
00:13:51,082 --> 00:13:52,493
You will be allowed to check them out
403
00:13:52,563 --> 00:13:55,321
on an as-needed basis
submitted in writing
404
00:13:55,424 --> 00:13:58,316
for two hours of weekly supervised use.
405
00:13:58,386 --> 00:14:00,270
Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh-mnh-mnh.
406
00:14:00,373 --> 00:14:02,424
I'm grown. Can't control me!
407
00:14:02,527 --> 00:14:06,060
But Tobuscus and PewDiePie are
going head-to-head in Minecraft.
408
00:14:06,163 --> 00:14:07,944
Listen to what you're saying.
409
00:14:08,047 --> 00:14:10,099
Go outside, make real fires,
410
00:14:10,202 --> 00:14:12,085
collect real eggs, kill real pigs.
411
00:14:12,189 --> 00:14:13,937
- Kill pi... What?
- That's what they do.
412
00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:15,081
Seriously?
413
00:14:15,184 --> 00:14:17,504
You're just going to
give up that easily?
414
00:14:17,608 --> 00:14:19,390
I've made it alive this long
by listening to her.
415
00:14:19,493 --> 00:14:20,400
Mm-hmm.
416
00:14:20,503 --> 00:14:21,780
Come on, Jack.
417
00:14:21,850 --> 00:14:24,103
Let's go find our old
Speak and Spell and turn it in.
418
00:14:24,205 --> 00:14:25,449
Oh, no, honey, you can keep that.
419
00:14:25,552 --> 00:14:26,459
I better not.
420
00:14:26,562 --> 00:14:28,580
Who knows what I might spell?
421
00:14:28,683 --> 00:14:29,826
Mm.
422
00:14:29,929 --> 00:14:31,711
What's going on?
423
00:14:31,813 --> 00:14:33,899
Why have you two gone so crazy?
424
00:14:34,002 --> 00:14:35,919
Since when did you stop trusting us?
425
00:14:35,988 --> 00:14:37,400
It's not that we don't trust you.
426
00:14:37,503 --> 00:14:39,049
- I don't trust you.
- I don't, either.
427
00:14:39,119 --> 00:14:42,416
And how can I if we catch
you watching beheadings?
428
00:14:42,519 --> 00:14:44,234
What kind of depraved site
429
00:14:44,337 --> 00:14:46,624
do you even go to to see that?
430
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:48,340
Seriously.
431
00:14:48,477 --> 00:14:49,788
It's the news, Dad.
432
00:14:49,891 --> 00:14:51,707
It's what's going on in the world.
433
00:14:51,810 --> 00:14:53,087
Just because it's happening
434
00:14:53,156 --> 00:14:54,905
doesn't mean you should be watching it.
435
00:14:55,041 --> 00:14:57,698
And you shouldn't be posting
half-naked pictures!
436
00:14:57,801 --> 00:14:59,280
I'm in a bathing suit.
437
00:14:59,384 --> 00:15:00,964
- In your bedroom.
- Yeah.
438
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:03,994
- Making duck lips for no reason.
- No reason.
439
00:15:04,097 --> 00:15:05,374
I have a reason.
440
00:15:05,444 --> 00:15:08,067
Marco broke up with me
because he said I had no booty,
441
00:15:08,170 --> 00:15:10,154
- so I wanted to rub it in his face.
- Oh, my God.
442
00:15:10,257 --> 00:15:11,333
Sad.
443
00:15:11,368 --> 00:15:14,126
Letting yourself be
affected by a stupid boy.
444
00:15:14,196 --> 00:15:15,506
Come on, Mom.
445
00:15:15,609 --> 00:15:18,570
It's the same thing as you
wanting to make an ex jealous
446
00:15:18,673 --> 00:15:21,364
by showing up to Studio 54
in your glitter shorts.
447
00:15:21,433 --> 00:15:22,374
Studio 5... How...
448
00:15:22,477 --> 00:15:24,057
How old do you think I am?!
449
00:15:24,159 --> 00:15:26,043
Instagram is the club now.
450
00:15:26,146 --> 00:15:29,544
Every like I get that
I know Marco sees is empowering.
451
00:15:29,681 --> 00:15:30,790
What?
452
00:15:30,893 --> 00:15:32,775
Or would you prefer
I let him body-shame me?
453
00:15:32,812 --> 00:15:33,752
No, no, no, okay?
454
00:15:33,855 --> 00:15:35,570
Every part of this
conversation is just...
455
00:15:35,639 --> 00:15:37,421
You... you talk to her. You talk to her.
456
00:15:37,491 --> 00:15:39,610
- Put on more clothes!
- Yes!
457
00:15:39,678 --> 00:15:41,057
And who the hell is Marco?
458
00:15:41,126 --> 00:15:42,975
Zoey's right.
459
00:15:43,079 --> 00:15:44,524
Everything happens on the Internet,
460
00:15:44,627 --> 00:15:46,611
and it's not like it's all dangerous.
461
00:15:46,782 --> 00:15:48,429
In some ways, it's even safer.
462
00:15:48,499 --> 00:15:50,112
Fan sites are the only place
463
00:15:50,182 --> 00:15:53,613
that I can talk about elves
and orcs and anime
464
00:15:53,716 --> 00:15:54,892
without being mocked for it.
465
00:15:54,995 --> 00:15:56,407
Not now, nerd.
466
00:15:56,510 --> 00:15:58,697
See? That's why we need the Internet.
467
00:15:58,765 --> 00:16:01,423
It gives a voice to
everyone that doesn't have one.
468
00:16:01,526 --> 00:16:03,847
It's how we do everything...
Homework, research.
469
00:16:03,950 --> 00:16:05,900
It's where we get all our information.
470
00:16:06,003 --> 00:16:06,943
Yeah, Dad.
471
00:16:07,013 --> 00:16:08,425
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
472
00:16:08,528 --> 00:16:10,108
And half of that information is wrong.
473
00:16:10,211 --> 00:16:11,287
Exactly.
474
00:16:11,356 --> 00:16:13,407
The other day, I looked up
Tom Selleck's net worth,
475
00:16:13,510 --> 00:16:15,931
and it said $4 billion.
476
00:16:16,034 --> 00:16:17,042
What?
477
00:16:17,146 --> 00:16:19,769
Billion, with a "B"... Tom Selleck!
478
00:16:19,839 --> 00:16:21,082
That could be right.
479
00:16:21,186 --> 00:16:24,280
I mean, he could have family
money or an art collection.
480
00:16:24,350 --> 00:16:25,324
You don't know.
481
00:16:25,326 --> 00:16:26,704
I don't care!
482
00:16:26,807 --> 00:16:29,134
I... don't... care!
483
00:16:29,196 --> 00:16:31,202
The Internet is rotting your brain
484
00:16:31,217 --> 00:16:34,043
- and destroying your wonderful souls!
- Mm-hmm.
485
00:16:34,075 --> 00:16:36,597
Seems like you're having
a parenting crisis.
486
00:16:36,700 --> 00:16:38,362
- What?!
- If only there was a resource
487
00:16:38,371 --> 00:16:40,627
you could use to get
helpful information.
488
00:16:40,807 --> 00:16:41,849
Oh, I know.
489
00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:45,215
Get out your White Pages,
find your local library,
490
00:16:45,318 --> 00:16:46,764
fight through some bums,
491
00:16:46,834 --> 00:16:49,693
and get a book from the '50s
that tells you to beat us.
492
00:16:49,796 --> 00:16:51,780
I don't need a book to tell me
493
00:16:51,883 --> 00:16:53,463
to beat your Orcen ass.
494
00:16:53,566 --> 00:16:56,392
Even you take our Internet away,
we can get online anywhere.
495
00:16:56,495 --> 00:16:58,412
You're just going to have to trust us.
496
00:16:58,514 --> 00:17:01,374
- Okay, okay.
- N...
497
00:17:01,477 --> 00:17:02,990
Oh, God.
498
00:17:03,093 --> 00:17:05,010
- All right.
- We're too late, Dre.
499
00:17:05,113 --> 00:17:06,760
It's over.
500
00:17:06,829 --> 00:17:07,871
Yeah.
501
00:17:07,974 --> 00:17:10,732
We've lost them to porn
and Pee-Dee-Wee-Dee-Pie.
502
00:17:10,835 --> 00:17:11,843
Oh, God.
503
00:17:12,248 --> 00:17:13,929
- Babe?
- Hmm?
504
00:17:15,546 --> 00:17:18,778
Why were you looking up
Tom Selleck's net worth?
505
00:17:19,385 --> 00:17:23,826
Oh. I was ranking the wealth
of mustachioed heartthrobs.
506
00:17:23,929 --> 00:17:26,924
- Mm.
- But it seems unimportant now.
507
00:17:30,854 --> 00:17:34,185
- I can't sleep.
- Mm, me either.
508
00:17:34,287 --> 00:17:36,776
Can I have a bite, babe?
509
00:17:36,779 --> 00:17:38,730
- What?
- I know how this ends,
510
00:17:38,833 --> 00:17:41,321
so I'm just gonna give
you half right now.
511
00:17:41,322 --> 00:17:43,576
Oh, you're a good man.
Even get the chips.
512
00:17:43,577 --> 00:17:45,258
I hate the world.
513
00:17:45,259 --> 00:17:46,604
And it's only getting worse.
514
00:17:46,618 --> 00:17:47,626
Mm.
515
00:17:47,794 --> 00:17:49,005
I mean, if Diane is
looking at online porn
516
00:17:49,108 --> 00:17:51,496
at 10 years old, what...
517
00:17:51,565 --> 00:17:53,516
What is this little one
going to be looking at
518
00:17:53,619 --> 00:17:54,862
- 10 years from now?
- Mnh-mnh.
519
00:17:54,931 --> 00:17:57,185
By then, porn will
automatically be uploaded
520
00:17:57,288 --> 00:17:58,329
into the kid's brain.
521
00:17:58,432 --> 00:18:01,898
Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah.
522
00:18:01,908 --> 00:18:03,790
Knock it off with all
the doom and gloom.
523
00:18:03,792 --> 00:18:05,407
You think any of this is new?
524
00:18:05,409 --> 00:18:06,922
I went through the same thing with you.
525
00:18:07,025 --> 00:18:08,806
♪ Oh, me so horny ♪
526
00:18:08,909 --> 00:18:10,322
♪ Oh-oh, so horny ♪
527
00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:11,466
Ah!
528
00:18:11,569 --> 00:18:13,621
Save us, Black Jesus!
529
00:18:13,689 --> 00:18:14,933
Oooooh!
530
00:18:15,036 --> 00:18:17,290
There's always gonna be
something coming into your house
531
00:18:17,393 --> 00:18:18,333
that you can't control.
532
00:18:18,403 --> 00:18:19,545
I know.
533
00:18:19,719 --> 00:18:21,972
Kids will never stop being curious.
534
00:18:22,041 --> 00:18:24,632
You just need to understand
why they're looking at
535
00:18:24,700 --> 00:18:25,911
whatever the hell they're looking at.
536
00:18:26,014 --> 00:18:28,234
My Dre was looking at that video
537
00:18:28,336 --> 00:18:29,883
'cause he wanted to know about sex.
538
00:18:29,986 --> 00:18:31,061
I already knew about sex.
539
00:18:31,164 --> 00:18:32,576
I just liked looking at wet butts.
540
00:18:32,679 --> 00:18:34,192
Don't fight the future, baby.
541
00:18:35,473 --> 00:18:38,063
It just makes you look old.
542
00:18:38,133 --> 00:18:39,645
- And you...
- What?
543
00:18:39,715 --> 00:18:41,598
... you must be fighting it a lot.
544
00:18:41,701 --> 00:18:43,450
Yeah.
545
00:18:43,552 --> 00:18:46,075
That was my burger.
546
00:18:46,178 --> 00:18:47,354
I hate when she's sane.
547
00:18:47,457 --> 00:18:49,139
Makes me question everything I know.
548
00:18:49,242 --> 00:18:50,889
What you really need
to be worried about...
549
00:18:50,992 --> 00:18:52,572
Oh, my God.
550
00:18:52,675 --> 00:18:58,329
... is vaccines, Guatemalans,
and first contact
551
00:18:58,397 --> 00:19:02,301
with the long-fingered aliens
coming to the Earth.
552
00:19:02,370 --> 00:19:03,411
Yeah.
553
00:19:03,514 --> 00:19:07,182
And she's back.
554
00:19:07,284 --> 00:19:09,067
♪
555
00:19:09,102 --> 00:19:11,524
Ah, hey, baby girl.
556
00:19:11,628 --> 00:19:12,905
- Hey.
- Hey.
557
00:19:13,008 --> 00:19:14,520
How come nobody's talking about
558
00:19:14,590 --> 00:19:16,001
how messed up East Germany is?
559
00:19:16,071 --> 00:19:17,517
Ah, okay. I think...
560
00:19:17,585 --> 00:19:19,738
I think these books are
setting you back a little bit.
561
00:19:19,841 --> 00:19:22,599
So, we're sorry.
562
00:19:22,669 --> 00:19:25,191
We were just so worried
about what you saw
563
00:19:25,202 --> 00:19:28,567
that we weren't paying attention
to your actual question.
564
00:19:28,568 --> 00:19:31,058
So, you want to know about sex?
565
00:19:31,059 --> 00:19:33,448
Let's talk about sex, okay?
566
00:19:33,484 --> 00:19:35,299
Okay. Your dad and I are here for you.
567
00:19:35,301 --> 00:19:37,084
Dre... uh...
568
00:19:37,119 --> 00:19:38,330
Okay.
569
00:19:38,433 --> 00:19:40,652
So, Bow and I had a
great talk with Diane.
570
00:19:40,823 --> 00:19:43,110
I mean, I did most of the heavy lifting.
571
00:19:43,448 --> 00:19:44,658
Bow was a mess.
572
00:19:44,659 --> 00:19:45,801
And what makes it...
573
00:19:46,983 --> 00:19:48,798
And that's when we decided
574
00:19:48,801 --> 00:19:51,727
that instead of letting
technology isolate us,
575
00:19:51,730 --> 00:19:53,040
we'd use it to bring us together.
576
00:19:53,143 --> 00:19:54,589
Hold... Hold on! This way!
577
00:19:54,692 --> 00:19:57,886
But sometimes the best way
to bring your family together
578
00:19:57,995 --> 00:20:01,511
is to leave technology behind.
579
00:20:07,931 --> 00:20:10,419
Oh, like you're perfect?
580
00:20:11,838 --> 00:20:13,654
I thought you were
scared off the Internet.
581
00:20:13,757 --> 00:20:17,155
Well, I was, but Mommy and I
had a good talk.
582
00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:19,350
Now I'm back to using it
for its intended purpose...
583
00:20:19,419 --> 00:20:23,726
Cyberbullying Charlie.
584
00:20:25,984 --> 00:20:28,472
Hey, what's going on, man?
585
00:20:28,575 --> 00:20:31,671
I just got another tweet
from CharlieTelphysBigFatButt.
586
00:20:31,935 --> 00:20:34,020
Someone's tweeting as my butt, Dre.
587
00:20:34,123 --> 00:20:35,568
It's hurtful.
588
00:20:35,638 --> 00:20:38,396
- I guess it's back to Spanx.
- Okay.
589
00:20:40,113 --> 00:20:41,367
Don't act like you don't wear 'em.