1 00:00:02,453 --> 00:00:04,357 This is me about to whup my son. 2 00:00:04,359 --> 00:00:06,921 How the hell did we get here? 3 00:00:06,923 --> 00:00:09,491 Well, every whupping usually has 4 00:00:09,559 --> 00:00:11,660 a beginning, middle, and end. 5 00:00:11,728 --> 00:00:13,562 And the beginning usually starts 6 00:00:13,630 --> 00:00:15,631 with someone acting a complete ass. 7 00:00:15,698 --> 00:00:18,667 Jack! Jack! Where are you, Jack?! 8 00:00:18,735 --> 00:00:20,035 Not her. 9 00:00:20,103 --> 00:00:21,770 Oh, my God, you guys! My son is gone! 10 00:00:21,838 --> 00:00:22,938 He's been kidnapped! 11 00:00:23,006 --> 00:00:25,107 He's little. He's black. He's really cute! 12 00:00:25,175 --> 00:00:27,209 Who wouldn't kidnap him? It was only a matter of time! 13 00:00:27,277 --> 00:00:28,177 - Ma'am... - He's very small! 14 00:00:28,244 --> 00:00:30,612 - Ma'am, calm down. - To calm down?! 15 00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:31,480 Listen to me! 16 00:00:31,548 --> 00:00:34,583 I'm gonna fast-forward through what my wife said to Officer Hernandez. 17 00:00:34,651 --> 00:00:37,019 It doesn't show her in the most flattering light. 18 00:00:37,086 --> 00:00:39,588 But I think it's a good reminder to all of us 19 00:00:39,656 --> 00:00:41,957 that you never tell a frantic black woman 20 00:00:42,025 --> 00:00:43,559 to "calm down." 21 00:00:43,626 --> 00:00:45,227 You got to go find my... What are you doing?! 22 00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:46,795 - Go! Go! - Yes, ma'am. 23 00:00:46,816 --> 00:00:48,283 Jack! 24 00:00:48,285 --> 00:00:49,719 Jack, where are you?! 25 00:00:49,899 --> 00:00:51,200 Oh, God! 26 00:00:51,267 --> 00:00:52,468 Jack! 27 00:00:52,535 --> 00:00:55,137 Remember the ass I mentioned earlier? 28 00:00:55,205 --> 00:00:56,672 Here he is... our son. 29 00:00:56,739 --> 00:00:59,408 Mommy loves you! Oh, God. 30 00:00:59,476 --> 00:01:00,642 He'd hidden again. 31 00:01:00,710 --> 00:01:02,010 It was a game to him. 32 00:01:02,078 --> 00:01:04,148 A game we all hated called 33 00:01:04,150 --> 00:01:07,343 "Jack's missing and may be in a white van with no windows." 34 00:01:10,253 --> 00:01:12,020 I found him! He's okay! 35 00:01:12,088 --> 00:01:13,755 Oh, God. Oh, my God! 36 00:01:13,823 --> 00:01:15,924 Everyone's okay. Whew! 37 00:01:15,992 --> 00:01:17,793 I love a happy ending. 38 00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:21,330 Were you hiding?! 39 00:01:21,398 --> 00:01:23,232 Were you hiding in there?! 40 00:01:23,299 --> 00:01:24,933 You scared the hell out of me. 41 00:01:25,001 --> 00:01:27,035 Did you not heare calling your name?! 42 00:01:27,103 --> 00:01:29,071 I'm gonna go ahead and fast-forward again 43 00:01:29,139 --> 00:01:31,440 because I don't think you can say these things to a child. 44 00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:32,841 When we get home, 45 00:01:32,909 --> 00:01:35,577 your father is going to spank you! 46 00:01:35,645 --> 00:01:37,179 Did you hear what she just said? 47 00:01:37,247 --> 00:01:38,347 Let me play it back for you. 48 00:01:38,415 --> 00:01:39,581 When we get home, 49 00:01:39,649 --> 00:01:42,418 your father is going to spank you! 50 00:01:43,156 --> 00:01:45,454 - Let's go. - Can you believe her? 51 00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:48,657 She got to be judge, jury, and made me executioner. 52 00:01:48,725 --> 00:01:51,493 - Not cool, Bow. Not cool. - Oh, my God. 53 00:01:51,561 --> 00:01:53,061 - Is that me? Oh, God. - Ma'am? 54 00:01:53,129 --> 00:01:54,663 - Oh! Oh! Oh, really?! - Give me... Give me the bag, please. 55 00:01:54,731 --> 00:01:56,031 Oh, I see. I see. 56 00:01:56,099 --> 00:01:58,434 It takes you two hours to find a little black boy, 57 00:01:58,501 --> 00:01:59,802 and then you're here in two seconds 58 00:01:59,869 --> 00:02:01,170 when I accidentally steal a clutch?! 59 00:02:01,237 --> 00:02:03,038 Well, you know what? I'm keeping it! 60 00:02:03,106 --> 00:02:04,851 That's right. I'm keeping it! 61 00:02:04,928 --> 00:02:06,913 sync and correction by solfieri www.addic7ed.com 62 00:02:06,914 --> 00:02:08,914 Black-ish - 01x05 "Crime and Punishment" 63 00:02:10,079 --> 00:02:14,516 I thought our son was gone! 64 00:02:14,584 --> 00:02:17,719 I am not spanking him. 65 00:02:17,787 --> 00:02:19,488 Look, pops used to spank me 66 00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:21,890 with a hot wheels track for sport. 67 00:02:21,958 --> 00:02:23,992 That's how he got his name... pops. 68 00:02:24,060 --> 00:02:25,594 You'd just be sitting there, minding your own business, 69 00:02:25,662 --> 00:02:27,162 and then, out of no place, pop! 70 00:02:27,230 --> 00:02:28,096 For no good reason. 71 00:02:28,164 --> 00:02:29,431 You're not listening to me! 72 00:02:29,499 --> 00:02:30,833 Okay, this is very serious! 73 00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:32,534 This hiding thing has got to stop, 74 00:02:32,602 --> 00:02:34,336 and Jack needs to be taught a lesson. 75 00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:35,671 Well, if you want to spank him so bad, 76 00:02:35,738 --> 00:02:36,738 why don't you do it yourself? 77 00:02:36,806 --> 00:02:38,040 Because you're the spanker, Dre. 78 00:02:38,107 --> 00:02:39,575 I did it one time. 79 00:02:39,642 --> 00:02:41,043 One more than me. 80 00:02:41,110 --> 00:02:42,144 That's because you were 81 00:02:42,212 --> 00:02:43,479 eight months' pregnant with the twins. 82 00:02:43,546 --> 00:02:45,414 And you said if you spanked him, you would go into labor! 83 00:02:45,482 --> 00:02:48,160 Well, it's not my fault that you have no idea how the human body works. 84 00:02:48,162 --> 00:02:50,029 Bow, I can't do it again. 85 00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:53,856 Spanking Junior put me in the bed for three days! 86 00:02:53,923 --> 00:02:56,425 He shed that one tear like Denzel in "Glory," 87 00:02:56,493 --> 00:02:58,360 and I cried like Whoopi in "Color Purple." 88 00:02:58,428 --> 00:02:59,528 But that's not the point. 89 00:02:59,596 --> 00:03:01,363 Because we said that we would punish him, 90 00:03:01,431 --> 00:03:03,532 and we need to follow through. 91 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,301 No, you promised, now you want me to follow through. 92 00:03:06,369 --> 00:03:08,403 Okay, I feel like you're blaming me for this. 93 00:03:08,471 --> 00:03:10,172 I am blaming you for this! 94 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:11,607 Bow, it's your fault! 95 00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:15,577 I can still remember Junior's face 96 00:03:15,645 --> 00:03:16,879 the day I spanked him. 97 00:03:16,946 --> 00:03:20,048 I just hope the memory of that whupping has faded. 98 00:03:20,116 --> 00:03:22,551 It was the Thursday of a leap year. 99 00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:24,653 The air was crisp. 100 00:03:24,721 --> 00:03:26,288 The sky was blue. 101 00:03:26,356 --> 00:03:28,323 And the belt was black! 102 00:03:28,391 --> 00:03:30,292 I don't want to hear anymore! 103 00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:31,660 Not even about the color of my tears? 104 00:03:31,728 --> 00:03:32,661 They were red! 105 00:03:32,729 --> 00:03:33,662 Aah! 106 00:03:33,730 --> 00:03:36,265 Okay, don't be mean. He's scared. 107 00:03:36,332 --> 00:03:37,432 He should be. 108 00:03:37,500 --> 00:03:38,800 It's terrifying. 109 00:03:38,868 --> 00:03:41,069 I mean, not for me. I'm too old to be spanked. 110 00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:42,237 I've aged out. 111 00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:44,806 Where'd you hear that, Junior? 112 00:03:44,874 --> 00:03:45,974 Well, I mean, I'm 13 now. 113 00:03:46,042 --> 00:03:47,509 That means I'm out of the whupping window. 114 00:03:47,577 --> 00:03:49,811 Yeah, but you still have an ass, don't you? 115 00:03:49,879 --> 00:03:51,513 That means you're still in the window. 116 00:03:51,581 --> 00:03:54,716 My research shows we have legal options... 117 00:03:54,784 --> 00:03:57,085 Emancipation, extrication, 118 00:03:57,153 --> 00:03:59,588 and, if all else fails, relocation. 119 00:03:59,656 --> 00:04:00,656 Damn, Diane. 120 00:04:00,723 --> 00:04:01,890 I wish I had you when I divorced grandma. 121 00:04:01,958 --> 00:04:03,258 Might've held on to my Lincoln. 122 00:04:03,326 --> 00:04:05,561 You're just messing with me, right? 123 00:04:05,628 --> 00:04:07,763 I mean, nobody's gonna spank a 9th grader, right? 124 00:04:07,830 --> 00:04:09,398 What's age got to do with it? 125 00:04:09,465 --> 00:04:10,632 I spanked your daddy 126 00:04:10,700 --> 00:04:12,034 when he came home for the summer from college. 127 00:04:12,101 --> 00:04:13,368 He was all, "oh, I'm in college, now. 128 00:04:13,436 --> 00:04:15,671 Listen to how smart my mouth is." 129 00:04:15,738 --> 00:04:16,939 I was like, "pop!" 130 00:04:17,006 --> 00:04:18,440 Okay, come on, pops. 131 00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:20,175 We all know no one spanks anymore. 132 00:04:20,243 --> 00:04:22,177 Oh, well, look who's sitting there all cocky 133 00:04:22,245 --> 00:04:23,612 thinking she's safe 'cause she's a girl. 134 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:26,081 Whupping don't care what you are. 135 00:04:26,149 --> 00:04:30,886 An ass is an ass is an ass is an ass. 136 00:04:32,589 --> 00:04:34,289 Pop! 137 00:04:34,357 --> 00:04:35,557 Oh. 138 00:04:35,625 --> 00:04:37,326 As pops continued to make a strong case 139 00:04:37,393 --> 00:04:39,461 for why he shouldn't be left alone with children, 140 00:04:39,529 --> 00:04:40,829 I started to wonder 141 00:04:40,897 --> 00:04:43,432 where everyone else came down on spanking. 142 00:04:43,499 --> 00:04:45,867 Was I the only one dealing with this? 143 00:04:45,935 --> 00:04:47,169 So, it's really a campaign 144 00:04:47,236 --> 00:04:49,004 that focuses on what's important... 145 00:04:49,072 --> 00:04:51,173 Light bulbs and family. 146 00:04:53,643 --> 00:04:55,911 Okay, speaking of family, I have a question. 147 00:04:55,979 --> 00:04:58,313 Were any of you spanked as kids? 148 00:04:58,381 --> 00:04:59,348 Sure was. 149 00:04:59,415 --> 00:05:00,415 My dad used to have a Rob Roy, 150 00:05:00,483 --> 00:05:02,250 then beat me with his dress shoe. 151 00:05:02,318 --> 00:05:05,220 My mom used to put rings on just to spank me. 152 00:05:05,288 --> 00:05:07,856 My mom used to crack me in the skull with a rolling pin. 153 00:05:07,924 --> 00:05:10,025 Good lord, that's horrible! 154 00:05:10,093 --> 00:05:13,028 Indian ones are smaller, but still, it was a rolling pin. 155 00:05:13,096 --> 00:05:14,896 My parents didn't believe in spanking, 156 00:05:14,964 --> 00:05:15,931 and I turned out awesome. 157 00:05:17,300 --> 00:05:18,900 Hey, what do they do to kids in China? 158 00:05:18,968 --> 00:05:20,068 Uh, no idea. 159 00:05:20,136 --> 00:05:22,924 I grew up in Torrance, and I'm Korean. 160 00:05:23,006 --> 00:05:24,773 Who thinks they were better off being spanked? 161 00:05:24,841 --> 00:05:26,608 - Oh, totally. - I do. Definitely. 162 00:05:26,676 --> 00:05:28,176 And this country is losing ground 163 00:05:28,244 --> 00:05:29,778 because we're no longer spanking. 164 00:05:29,846 --> 00:05:31,279 Our kids are last in everything. 165 00:05:31,347 --> 00:05:32,781 It's true... All the countries 166 00:05:32,849 --> 00:05:34,850 that are beating their kids are beating our ass. 167 00:05:34,917 --> 00:05:36,385 Well, I'm convinced. 168 00:05:36,452 --> 00:05:37,786 I'm gonna spank my son. 169 00:05:37,854 --> 00:05:38,687 That's a terrible idea. 170 00:05:38,755 --> 00:05:39,888 Whoa, whoa, whoa. No! 171 00:05:39,956 --> 00:05:41,189 Now, wait a minute. 172 00:05:41,257 --> 00:05:43,925 - You were talking about your own child? - Yes. 173 00:05:43,993 --> 00:05:45,560 Which one? The big one or the little one? 174 00:05:45,628 --> 00:05:46,995 - The little one. - Oh, come on! 175 00:05:47,063 --> 00:05:48,463 Not Jack! He's our favorite! 176 00:05:48,531 --> 00:05:50,198 What are you, a monster? 177 00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:51,933 I thought you guys were all for spanking? 178 00:05:51,935 --> 00:05:53,001 In the abstract, yeah, 179 00:05:53,069 --> 00:05:54,603 but you don't hit your own child. 180 00:05:54,671 --> 00:05:55,637 Who does that? 181 00:05:55,705 --> 00:05:58,507 Yeah, we don't live in China. 182 00:05:58,575 --> 00:05:59,841 No offense, Tanya. 183 00:05:59,909 --> 00:06:02,411 Was I a monster? 184 00:06:02,478 --> 00:06:05,314 Was I wrong for even considering spanking my kid? 185 00:06:05,381 --> 00:06:07,716 Babe, you wouldn't believe how they turned on me 186 00:06:07,784 --> 00:06:09,885 when they heard that I was gonna hit Jack. 187 00:06:09,953 --> 00:06:12,487 It's not up to them. It's our decision. 188 00:06:12,555 --> 00:06:13,522 Hey, well, look, 189 00:06:13,590 --> 00:06:14,790 if you wanted to beat the boy so bad, 190 00:06:14,857 --> 00:06:16,525 you should have beat him while you were at the store. 191 00:06:16,593 --> 00:06:18,794 Hey, there were shoes, there were hangers, 192 00:06:18,861 --> 00:06:19,928 an array of belts... 193 00:06:19,996 --> 00:06:21,396 Well, I couldn't do it at the store. 194 00:06:21,464 --> 00:06:22,631 There were people everywhere. 195 00:06:22,699 --> 00:06:24,366 What do you think the dressing rooms are for? 196 00:06:24,434 --> 00:06:26,368 They're private little beating booths. 197 00:06:26,436 --> 00:06:27,970 Look, you missed your moment, Bow. 198 00:06:28,037 --> 00:06:29,271 You just need to admit it. 199 00:06:29,339 --> 00:06:30,839 You don't want to be the bad guy. 200 00:06:30,907 --> 00:06:33,342 I don't want to be the bad guy! 201 00:06:33,409 --> 00:06:35,577 I don't even like taking the last shrimp at a party, 202 00:06:35,645 --> 00:06:37,412 and you know how much I love crustaceans. 203 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:39,348 Oh, you do love crustaceans. 204 00:06:39,415 --> 00:06:41,617 Look, I think I can get the same message across 205 00:06:41,684 --> 00:06:43,485 if I just give him a stern talking-to. 206 00:06:49,959 --> 00:06:51,960 So, you're not gonna get a whupping. 207 00:06:52,028 --> 00:06:53,695 Dad's just gonna talk to you. 208 00:06:53,763 --> 00:06:56,398 Yes, a talk? That's nothing. 209 00:06:56,466 --> 00:06:58,100 I could do that standing on my head. 210 00:06:58,167 --> 00:07:00,235 I told you dad was soft. 211 00:07:03,238 --> 00:07:05,239 So, what should I wear to the whupping? 212 00:07:05,241 --> 00:07:07,109 Black 'cause it's a somber occasion? 213 00:07:07,176 --> 00:07:09,277 White 'cause you're whupping virgin ass? 214 00:07:09,345 --> 00:07:10,679 I'm not whupping Jack, pops. 215 00:07:10,747 --> 00:07:11,647 All right? 216 00:07:11,714 --> 00:07:12,948 I'm gonna sit down and have 217 00:07:13,016 --> 00:07:15,350 a sensible, intelligent conversation with my son. 218 00:07:15,418 --> 00:07:18,587 Diane is right. You are soft. 219 00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:22,124 Has anyone seen Jack? I can't find him anywhere. 220 00:07:22,191 --> 00:07:23,825 Oh, you've got to be kidding me. 221 00:07:23,893 --> 00:07:26,528 Jack, get down here now! 222 00:07:26,596 --> 00:07:29,631 Jack! He's not upstairs! 223 00:07:29,699 --> 00:07:31,533 He's not under the dining room table. 224 00:07:31,601 --> 00:07:32,834 He's not in the guesthouse. 225 00:07:32,902 --> 00:07:35,470 I'm looking in the oven. I've totally lost it. 226 00:07:35,538 --> 00:07:36,438 Jack! 227 00:07:36,506 --> 00:07:37,839 I found his backpack outside. 228 00:07:37,907 --> 00:07:39,875 What? Outside? 229 00:07:39,942 --> 00:07:41,143 Baby, maybe he got snatched. 230 00:07:41,210 --> 00:07:42,377 I mean, people are crazy. 231 00:07:42,445 --> 00:07:44,112 See? This is what I went through at the store. 232 00:07:44,180 --> 00:07:46,048 Yeah, but now it's different. It's me. 233 00:07:46,115 --> 00:07:48,183 Damn it, Jack! 234 00:07:48,251 --> 00:07:50,419 He was so cute, so... so full of promise. 235 00:07:50,486 --> 00:07:51,787 He was my favorite. 236 00:07:53,222 --> 00:07:55,523 Oh, sorry, guys. 237 00:07:55,525 --> 00:07:57,993 Ha! Gotcha! 238 00:07:58,061 --> 00:07:59,961 Here I am! You couldn't find me. 239 00:08:00,029 --> 00:08:01,963 Dad, you walked right by me 240 00:08:02,031 --> 00:08:03,065 three times. 241 00:08:03,132 --> 00:08:04,933 I thought you could hear me giggling, 242 00:08:05,001 --> 00:08:07,669 but you didn't because you were crying so loud. 243 00:08:09,338 --> 00:08:10,605 What the hell is wrong with you? 244 00:08:10,673 --> 00:08:12,774 You see how much worry you caused in this house? 245 00:08:12,842 --> 00:08:14,309 You know what? I'm about to whup your ass. 246 00:08:14,377 --> 00:08:15,844 Whoa, son, son. Yeah. 247 00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:17,345 You don't want to whup a child just before he goes to school. 248 00:08:17,413 --> 00:08:18,647 Crying in the car, 249 00:08:18,715 --> 00:08:20,849 tears all over the leather seats? 250 00:08:20,917 --> 00:08:22,150 Good point, pops. 251 00:08:22,218 --> 00:08:23,618 You know what, son? 252 00:08:23,686 --> 00:08:27,456 When I get home, I'm gonna whip your behind. 253 00:08:27,523 --> 00:08:29,591 Now you have to think about that all day... 254 00:08:29,659 --> 00:08:33,628 About how when I get home, I'm gonna whip your behind. 255 00:08:33,696 --> 00:08:35,464 Okay, let's go. 256 00:08:35,531 --> 00:08:36,598 Come on. We're going to your room. 257 00:08:36,666 --> 00:08:37,966 You think about that all day, young man. 258 00:08:38,034 --> 00:08:38,967 You hear me, mister?! 259 00:08:38,969 --> 00:08:40,703 That's my boy. 260 00:08:43,347 --> 00:08:46,026 So, I was resolved to whup that boy. 261 00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:49,488 But little did I know, there was a conspiracy afoot. 262 00:08:50,410 --> 00:08:52,929 Okay, we have to figure something out. 263 00:08:52,931 --> 00:08:54,652 I'm back in the whuppin' window. 264 00:08:54,654 --> 00:08:56,334 Jack re-opened my window! 265 00:08:56,336 --> 00:08:58,305 Yeah, you really messed it up for all of us. 266 00:08:58,303 --> 00:08:59,470 Why did you hide again? 267 00:08:59,470 --> 00:09:01,962 'Cause I'm a really good hider. 268 00:09:01,964 --> 00:09:05,410 Our only hope is for a gubernatorial pardon. 269 00:09:05,410 --> 00:09:07,779 Oh, why is she like this? 270 00:09:07,779 --> 00:09:09,781 Just tell us what you mean. 271 00:09:09,781 --> 00:09:12,581 Mom could save us. Duh. 272 00:09:12,583 --> 00:09:15,219 So, what do I have to do? 273 00:09:16,185 --> 00:09:18,921 I got it. 274 00:09:18,923 --> 00:09:20,391 Now, tell me what you see. 275 00:09:20,753 --> 00:09:22,427 Me. 276 00:09:22,427 --> 00:09:23,862 Hi, me! 277 00:09:23,862 --> 00:09:27,498 Okay, do you not understand what's going to happen? 278 00:09:27,498 --> 00:09:31,769 You are going to get beaten by dad with a belt. 279 00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:34,038 Ignore him. 280 00:09:34,038 --> 00:09:36,107 Tell me what we should do. 281 00:09:36,107 --> 00:09:37,108 I need this. 282 00:09:37,108 --> 00:09:38,009 Okay. 283 00:09:38,596 --> 00:09:41,977 That face, that smile, that afro... 284 00:09:41,979 --> 00:09:45,891 All weapons to use against mom when you're killing her with cuteness. 285 00:09:45,893 --> 00:09:47,135 Not bad. 286 00:09:47,137 --> 00:09:48,799 So, do you think you can do it? 287 00:09:48,801 --> 00:09:51,604 Are you kidding? I don't know how not to do it. 288 00:09:53,666 --> 00:09:57,893 Even though I was resolute, forces were working to try to break me down. 289 00:09:57,895 --> 00:09:59,196 Okay, you guys, look. 290 00:09:59,198 --> 00:10:01,432 If we don't come up with a new marketing strategy 291 00:10:01,432 --> 00:10:03,727 in the next 20 minutes, we're gonna lose our client. 292 00:10:03,729 --> 00:10:06,137 And that's $7 million in revenue. 293 00:10:06,137 --> 00:10:08,206 - Question. - Yes. 294 00:10:08,206 --> 00:10:10,909 Did you beat your son yesterday? 295 00:10:10,909 --> 00:10:14,861 You did hear me say $7 million in revenue, right? 296 00:10:14,863 --> 00:10:16,915 That is your name on the wall. 297 00:10:16,915 --> 00:10:18,883 So, that's a yes? 298 00:10:18,883 --> 00:10:21,785 You know, I don't think that's appropriate workplace conversation. 299 00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:24,923 But I am whupping my son's ass tonight. 300 00:10:24,923 --> 00:10:27,358 I thought we agreed you weren't whupping your son's ass. 301 00:10:27,358 --> 00:10:29,512 - We? - Yeah, we all voted yesterday 302 00:10:29,514 --> 00:10:31,149 while you were asleep after lunch. 303 00:10:35,564 --> 00:10:39,418 You know, it may not seem like it, but I am embarrassed by those naps. 304 00:10:39,420 --> 00:10:41,456 But I am not embarrassed by the fact 305 00:10:41,458 --> 00:10:43,126 that I'm gonna whip my son's ass. 306 00:10:43,439 --> 00:10:44,774 All right? The kid needs it. 307 00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:47,762 So I had no support at work, 308 00:10:47,764 --> 00:10:51,295 but at least I knew Bow was standing strong. 309 00:10:51,420 --> 00:10:52,625 We can't spank Jack. 310 00:10:52,627 --> 00:10:53,561 What? 311 00:10:53,563 --> 00:10:55,398 We can't spank Jack. 312 00:10:56,003 --> 00:10:56,940 Who got to you? 313 00:10:56,942 --> 00:10:58,643 No one. 314 00:10:59,418 --> 00:11:01,082 Let me help you, mommy. 315 00:11:02,300 --> 00:11:04,401 Jack, don't cozy up to me. 316 00:11:04,403 --> 00:11:05,503 I'm still angry with you. 317 00:11:05,570 --> 00:11:07,138 Oh, my God, you are wearing a Bow tie. 318 00:11:07,205 --> 00:11:08,739 I'm your little man. 319 00:11:09,875 --> 00:11:12,376 Hi, mommy. 320 00:11:12,444 --> 00:11:16,782 Could we please look at my baby pictures while cuddling on the couch together? 321 00:11:20,752 --> 00:11:23,931 Yes! That is your world-famous lasagna I smell. 322 00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:25,890 I love you and your cooking, mommy. 323 00:11:25,957 --> 00:11:27,591 Okay. 324 00:11:37,335 --> 00:11:38,269 No. No. No. No. No. 325 00:11:38,336 --> 00:11:39,970 Bow, you can't look in his eyes! 326 00:11:40,038 --> 00:11:41,238 He's like the chupacabra. 327 00:11:41,306 --> 00:11:42,673 I had to! 328 00:11:42,741 --> 00:11:44,041 He said there was something in his eye, and there was. 329 00:11:44,109 --> 00:11:45,376 And it was one of his long and beautiful eyelashes. 330 00:11:45,444 --> 00:11:46,277 Don't beat him! 331 00:11:46,344 --> 00:11:48,212 - Bow, calm down! - Okay. 332 00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:49,713 The boy still thinks hiding is a game, 333 00:11:49,789 --> 00:11:51,924 - and he has to learn his lesson. - Okay. 334 00:11:51,983 --> 00:11:53,084 If we back out now, 335 00:11:53,151 --> 00:11:54,452 we might as well go up there and tell our kids 336 00:11:54,519 --> 00:11:57,168 that their mommy and daddy are punk-ass bitches. 337 00:11:58,055 --> 00:12:00,056 You're right. You're right. 338 00:12:00,058 --> 00:12:01,457 We can do this. 339 00:12:03,495 --> 00:12:04,562 This is going to happen! 340 00:12:04,629 --> 00:12:05,963 The whupping is a go! 341 00:12:06,031 --> 00:12:07,465 Oh, no. 342 00:12:07,532 --> 00:12:08,566 You weren't cute enough. 343 00:12:08,633 --> 00:12:10,267 Impossible. 344 00:12:10,335 --> 00:12:11,933 What are we gonna do? 345 00:12:13,738 --> 00:12:15,840 We have one last move. 346 00:12:17,809 --> 00:12:21,212 Dre, can I talk to you for a minute? 347 00:12:21,279 --> 00:12:22,746 Yeah, what's up, pops? 348 00:12:22,814 --> 00:12:23,681 I want to show you something. 349 00:12:23,748 --> 00:12:25,816 Mm-hmm. Recognize this? 350 00:12:25,884 --> 00:12:26,917 Oh, my God. 351 00:12:28,186 --> 00:12:29,820 Is that that piece of hot wheels track 352 00:12:29,888 --> 00:12:30,888 you used to beat me with? 353 00:12:30,956 --> 00:12:32,223 Mm-hmm. 354 00:12:32,290 --> 00:12:34,091 You kept that all these years, huh? 355 00:12:34,159 --> 00:12:35,292 Every time I got ready to throw it out, 356 00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:37,761 you'd do something stupid. 357 00:12:37,829 --> 00:12:39,330 Oh, yeah. 358 00:12:39,397 --> 00:12:41,232 Relax, son. I-I want you to have it. 359 00:12:41,299 --> 00:12:42,867 It's really the perfect thing. 360 00:12:42,934 --> 00:12:44,168 I mean, there's nothing better 361 00:12:44,236 --> 00:12:45,769 than beating someone with something they love. 362 00:12:45,837 --> 00:12:47,571 Jack does not love that, pops. 363 00:12:47,639 --> 00:12:50,107 Hell, kids don't even play with those anymore. 364 00:12:50,175 --> 00:12:51,408 Well, beat him with something I love, then. 365 00:12:51,476 --> 00:12:55,579 I love this because I used to beat you with it. 366 00:12:58,450 --> 00:13:00,651 Mm. 367 00:13:00,719 --> 00:13:02,319 How many white Russians have you had? 368 00:13:02,387 --> 00:13:04,588 Irrelevant. But a lot. 369 00:13:06,858 --> 00:13:08,259 Okay, now, look, 370 00:13:08,326 --> 00:13:09,760 I may need you to block the door, 371 00:13:09,828 --> 00:13:11,061 because Jack is real slippery. 372 00:13:11,129 --> 00:13:12,396 All right, kind of quick. 373 00:13:12,464 --> 00:13:14,475 - Rodent-fast. - Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait. 374 00:13:14,477 --> 00:13:16,267 Did you just compare our son to a rat? 375 00:13:16,334 --> 00:13:17,902 I didn't say rat. I said rodent. 376 00:13:17,969 --> 00:13:19,537 Which includes your squirrels, your chipmunks, 377 00:13:19,604 --> 00:13:20,571 your prairie dogs... 378 00:13:20,639 --> 00:13:23,274 They're all so cute, like him. 379 00:13:23,341 --> 00:13:24,608 - Focus, woman! - Okay, you're right. 380 00:13:24,676 --> 00:13:25,709 Focus! 381 00:13:25,777 --> 00:13:27,311 You're right. 382 00:13:27,379 --> 00:13:29,180 Chupacabra, chupacabra. 383 00:13:29,247 --> 00:13:30,981 Also probably a rodent. 384 00:13:31,049 --> 00:13:32,650 Really, 'cause I heard that... 385 00:13:32,717 --> 00:13:34,518 What are you doing? 386 00:13:34,586 --> 00:13:35,786 Move. 387 00:13:35,854 --> 00:13:37,555 You're not spanking my brother. 388 00:13:37,622 --> 00:13:38,889 Yeah! 389 00:13:38,957 --> 00:13:42,193 You're not spanking her brother... sss. 390 00:13:42,260 --> 00:13:45,696 If you whup Jack, you have to whup all of us. 391 00:13:45,764 --> 00:13:48,232 Fine, I'll whup all four of you. 392 00:13:48,300 --> 00:13:49,266 Okay, um... 393 00:13:49,334 --> 00:13:50,734 Mm-hmm. Who's going first? Huh? 394 00:13:51,703 --> 00:13:53,304 Uh-oh. 395 00:13:53,371 --> 00:13:56,440 Junior, you picked a bad day to wear shorts. 396 00:14:00,743 --> 00:14:01,843 I'm serious. 397 00:14:01,911 --> 00:14:03,512 All of you are getting an ass-whupping 398 00:14:03,579 --> 00:14:05,814 if Jack isn't in my room in five minutes. 399 00:14:05,882 --> 00:14:08,617 Guys, that's like 300 mississippis. 400 00:14:08,684 --> 00:14:10,819 We better go. 401 00:14:10,887 --> 00:14:13,221 A quadruple ass-whupping? 402 00:14:14,189 --> 00:14:17,591 I don't think you have the cardio stamina for that. 403 00:14:17,659 --> 00:14:19,059 - Oh, I don't. - Oh. 404 00:14:19,127 --> 00:14:20,094 But it's not gonna come to that. 405 00:14:20,162 --> 00:14:20,961 - Oh, it's not? - Mnh-mnh. 406 00:14:21,029 --> 00:14:22,096 Oh. 407 00:14:22,164 --> 00:14:23,964 What do you mean? You're selling me out? 408 00:14:24,032 --> 00:14:25,966 We're not exactly selling you out. 409 00:14:26,034 --> 00:14:29,069 We created an algorithm to reduce collateral damage. 410 00:14:30,639 --> 00:14:31,405 What does that mean? 411 00:14:31,473 --> 00:14:33,107 We're selling you out. 412 00:14:33,175 --> 00:14:35,676 Even you, Diane? You're my twin. 413 00:14:35,744 --> 00:14:37,711 Look, friend, we're not identical. 414 00:14:45,086 --> 00:14:48,122 This is the right thing to do. 415 00:14:48,190 --> 00:14:49,089 Right? 416 00:14:53,395 --> 00:14:54,261 Perfect. 417 00:14:58,266 --> 00:15:01,035 Wait. I can't wear this. 418 00:15:20,856 --> 00:15:21,789 Ow! 419 00:15:21,857 --> 00:15:23,724 What the hell? 420 00:15:37,072 --> 00:15:38,472 Ow! 421 00:15:49,818 --> 00:15:52,086 Dead man walking! 422 00:15:54,956 --> 00:15:56,090 What are you looking at?! 423 00:15:57,683 --> 00:15:59,751 Jack, go stand over there. 424 00:16:00,428 --> 00:16:03,497 And all those clothes aren't gonna protect you. 425 00:16:07,269 --> 00:16:08,669 I don't think I can do this. 426 00:16:08,737 --> 00:16:09,770 I don't think you should do this. 427 00:16:09,838 --> 00:16:11,205 We were wrong. 428 00:16:11,273 --> 00:16:12,373 I don't think we should 429 00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:14,375 re-introduce whupping into this house. 430 00:16:14,442 --> 00:16:15,309 What's the worst thing that could happen 431 00:16:15,377 --> 00:16:16,477 if we don't whup him? 432 00:16:19,915 --> 00:16:22,383 I'm homeless because you didn't whup me. 433 00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:27,655 What's the worst thing that could happen if we do? 434 00:16:30,592 --> 00:16:35,296 I'm homeless because you whupped me. 435 00:16:35,363 --> 00:16:37,398 So, let's not whup him. 436 00:16:37,465 --> 00:16:39,133 It'd be nice for him to have a dog. 437 00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:40,234 I don't know. 438 00:16:40,302 --> 00:16:42,369 I hate when homeless people have dogs. 439 00:16:42,437 --> 00:16:44,738 I never know who I'm giving my half-eaten sandwich to. 440 00:16:44,806 --> 00:16:45,573 That's true. 441 00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:46,840 Plus, you know what? 442 00:16:46,908 --> 00:16:48,609 I honestly don't think Jack is responsible enough 443 00:16:48,677 --> 00:16:49,577 to take care of a dog. 444 00:16:49,644 --> 00:16:51,078 What are you all talking about? 445 00:16:51,146 --> 00:16:52,446 Quit stalling. 446 00:16:52,514 --> 00:16:53,514 God, I hate this. 447 00:16:53,582 --> 00:16:54,648 It's not who I am. 448 00:16:54,716 --> 00:16:56,483 - Well, it's who I am! - No... 449 00:16:56,551 --> 00:16:57,885 I'm gonna do you a favor, son. 450 00:16:59,154 --> 00:17:00,154 I'm gonna whup him for you. What? 451 00:17:00,221 --> 00:17:01,488 Bow, get the other children. 452 00:17:01,556 --> 00:17:02,389 I think it's very important that they see this. 453 00:17:02,457 --> 00:17:03,724 Hey, pops. 454 00:17:03,792 --> 00:17:05,359 I'm not gonna let you spank my son. 455 00:17:08,296 --> 00:17:11,198 All right. I'll do it. 456 00:17:11,266 --> 00:17:13,434 Hey. 457 00:17:13,501 --> 00:17:15,402 So, this is where we started. 458 00:17:15,470 --> 00:17:18,439 I'm about to whup my kid because I love him 459 00:17:18,506 --> 00:17:21,375 and don't want anything bad to happen to him. 460 00:17:21,443 --> 00:17:22,610 Wait a minute. 461 00:17:22,677 --> 00:17:24,411 How messed up is that? 462 00:17:28,249 --> 00:17:29,516 Sit down. 463 00:17:36,057 --> 00:17:37,291 Look, dude. 464 00:17:37,359 --> 00:17:39,760 You can never hide again. 465 00:17:39,828 --> 00:17:41,662 I know you think it's funny, 466 00:17:41,730 --> 00:17:44,565 but you're my little man, and it's terrifying. 467 00:17:44,633 --> 00:17:46,166 All right, you can't do this to me. 468 00:17:46,234 --> 00:17:47,001 Do you understand? 469 00:17:47,068 --> 00:17:49,336 Yes. 470 00:17:54,676 --> 00:17:57,745 Are you looking for hiding places right now?! 471 00:17:59,180 --> 00:18:00,147 Yes. 472 00:18:00,215 --> 00:18:02,349 What is wrong with you?! 473 00:18:02,417 --> 00:18:04,351 We keep telling you that you can't do this, 474 00:18:04,419 --> 00:18:05,953 but yet you keep doing it. 475 00:18:07,522 --> 00:18:09,623 I'm really disappointed in you, Jack. 476 00:18:13,161 --> 00:18:15,863 I didn't mean to disappoint you, daddy. 477 00:18:22,904 --> 00:18:24,672 Daddy said I disappointed him! 478 00:18:24,739 --> 00:18:27,341 Aww, come here to pa-pa, baby boy. 479 00:18:27,409 --> 00:18:29,576 I told you to spank him, not crush his spirit. 480 00:18:31,112 --> 00:18:33,414 Your daddy is a monster. 481 00:18:36,885 --> 00:18:39,319 Oh, no, it happened. Whupping's back. 482 00:18:39,387 --> 00:18:41,255 Oh, I'm so screwed. 483 00:18:41,322 --> 00:18:42,856 Uh, I'm gonna go clean my room. 484 00:18:42,924 --> 00:18:44,358 Yeah, good idea. 485 00:18:44,426 --> 00:18:46,126 I'm gonna... I'm gonna tell dad 486 00:18:46,194 --> 00:18:47,995 he's handsome and that I love him. 487 00:18:48,063 --> 00:18:51,432 I love you, dad! 488 00:18:51,499 --> 00:18:52,933 Whoa. 489 00:18:53,001 --> 00:18:56,036 Dad actually did it. 490 00:18:56,104 --> 00:18:58,505 I owe pops 50 bucks! 491 00:19:00,175 --> 00:19:04,044 So it turns out I had another tool in my arsenal 492 00:19:04,112 --> 00:19:05,612 that's a lot more valuable than a belt... 493 00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:07,047 My opinion. 494 00:19:07,115 --> 00:19:11,018 My kids actually care what I think about them. 495 00:19:11,086 --> 00:19:12,119 Go figure. 496 00:19:12,187 --> 00:19:13,020 Hey, babe. 497 00:19:13,088 --> 00:19:14,121 Hey. 498 00:19:14,189 --> 00:19:16,090 I'm so proud of you. 499 00:19:16,157 --> 00:19:17,091 - Yeah? - Yeah. 500 00:19:17,158 --> 00:19:18,125 Thanks. 501 00:19:18,193 --> 00:19:19,793 Spanking's not for us. 502 00:19:19,861 --> 00:19:22,196 No. No, it is not. 503 00:19:22,263 --> 00:19:24,665 Not unless Jack pulls another stunt like this, 504 00:19:24,733 --> 00:19:27,201 and then I will light that ass up. 505 00:19:27,268 --> 00:19:28,535 Whew. 506 00:19:28,603 --> 00:19:29,737 Like a Christmas tree. 507 00:19:29,804 --> 00:19:31,772 Oh, no, baby. Like Vegas from a plane. 508 00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:33,907 Or... 509 00:19:33,975 --> 00:19:35,709 Something else that lights up. 510 00:19:36,778 --> 00:19:38,212 Good one, babe. 511 00:19:38,279 --> 00:19:40,013 - I couldn't think of anything. I panicked. - I see. 512 00:19:40,081 --> 00:19:41,648 - Oh, no, no, no, I got one! I got one! - Okay. 513 00:19:43,218 --> 00:19:45,753 Like a fireworks display. 514 00:19:45,820 --> 00:19:46,820 Hmm. 515 00:19:46,888 --> 00:19:47,654 Mm. 516 00:19:47,722 --> 00:19:50,591 Like a... a milky way. 517 00:19:50,658 --> 00:19:52,326 - Babe? - Uh-huh? 518 00:19:52,393 --> 00:19:53,427 We're done doing that. 519 00:19:53,495 --> 00:19:54,995 - No, I said that... - No, we're done. 520 00:19:58,515 --> 00:20:00,591 And the beauty of it is you're never safe. 521 00:20:00,608 --> 00:20:03,853 So, take this, for example. 522 00:20:03,855 --> 00:20:06,390 Looks pretty innocent, but what am I going to do? 523 00:20:06,457 --> 00:20:08,125 Am I gonna whip up some eggs? 524 00:20:08,192 --> 00:20:10,661 Or am I going to whip some ass? 525 00:20:10,728 --> 00:20:12,663 Or this. 526 00:20:12,730 --> 00:20:15,798 Am I going to dry some dishes? 527 00:20:15,799 --> 00:20:18,890 Or am I going to dry some tears? 528 00:20:19,977 --> 00:20:21,977 Your turn. 529 00:20:24,086 --> 00:20:28,234 Am I going to fry some bacons? Or am I gonna cave your skull in? 530 00:20:28,485 --> 00:20:30,485 Yes. Lesson over. 531 00:20:31,939 --> 00:20:33,939 What have I done? 532 00:20:33,940 --> 00:20:35,940 sync and correction by solfieri www.addic7ed.com