1 00:00:05,771 --> 00:00:07,423 Well, I guess this is it. 2 00:00:08,701 --> 00:00:09,767 I promise... 3 00:00:09,869 --> 00:00:11,235 I'll never forget you. 4 00:00:11,304 --> 00:00:14,471 I'd hope not. Dad, it's a two-day orientation. 5 00:00:14,573 --> 00:00:16,507 Okay, maybe we could circle the block again? 6 00:00:16,575 --> 00:00:19,243 Maybe we can find a Shake Shack? I hear that stuff is great. 7 00:00:19,312 --> 00:00:21,011 - Dad... - Okay, you're right! You're right. 8 00:00:21,113 --> 00:00:23,414 - It's just two days. - Yeah. 9 00:00:23,516 --> 00:00:24,915 - Go! - Thank you... 10 00:00:24,984 --> 00:00:26,450 Do it quick, get it over with! 11 00:00:26,519 --> 00:00:28,281 Just rip the Band-Aid off! 12 00:00:30,761 --> 00:00:32,728 And like that, I saw the little girl 13 00:00:32,738 --> 00:00:35,898 whose first footsteps gave me my first tears of joy 14 00:00:35,967 --> 00:00:37,433 begin to take her first steps into... 15 00:00:37,535 --> 00:00:38,567 Dad, enough! 16 00:00:38,636 --> 00:00:40,002 I can tell my own story. 17 00:00:40,104 --> 00:00:41,437 Fine. 18 00:00:41,506 --> 00:00:43,205 Just like that, I was off. 19 00:00:43,274 --> 00:00:44,840 I took my first steps into the new... 20 00:00:47,011 --> 00:00:48,944 Spread your wings, baby bird! 21 00:00:50,982 --> 00:00:53,649 Spread your wings! 22 00:00:53,718 --> 00:00:55,451 God, please give me the strength. 23 00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:58,054 Where's the nearest Shake Shack? 24 00:00:58,064 --> 00:00:59,930 Searching for Shake Shack nearby. 25 00:00:59,999 --> 00:01:02,599 Okay, uh... as I was saying. 26 00:01:02,702 --> 00:01:05,302 I took my first steps into a new world. 27 00:01:12,044 --> 00:01:14,111 College... so many new faces, 28 00:01:14,213 --> 00:01:15,846 so many new experiences. 29 00:01:21,420 --> 00:01:23,520 Am I intimidated? No! 30 00:01:26,543 --> 00:01:28,652 I'm gonna kill this thing. 31 00:01:28,996 --> 00:01:30,080 Watch. 32 00:01:32,298 --> 00:01:36,877 Synced and corrected by johnyd13 ~ www.addic7ed.com ~ 33 00:01:39,404 --> 00:01:40,804 So, there I was, 34 00:01:40,906 --> 00:01:42,672 laying in the middle of my campus rep, 35 00:01:42,774 --> 00:01:44,474 Marsha's, dorm room floor, 36 00:01:44,576 --> 00:01:46,509 crying my eyes out, 37 00:01:46,612 --> 00:01:48,378 feeling like my life was over. 38 00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:51,014 And she walked over to me, rubbed me on my back, 39 00:01:51,116 --> 00:01:53,183 looked me right in my tear-filled eyes 40 00:01:53,285 --> 00:01:55,485 and said, "Stacy, don't worry. 41 00:01:55,587 --> 00:01:57,454 Everyone has HPV." 42 00:01:59,825 --> 00:02:01,891 That's when I knew I was home. 43 00:02:01,994 --> 00:02:03,126 Go Titans. 44 00:02:11,737 --> 00:02:12,969 O-kay! 45 00:02:13,071 --> 00:02:15,338 Thank you, Stacy, for... that. 46 00:02:16,508 --> 00:02:18,174 You know what else is communicable? 47 00:02:18,276 --> 00:02:20,343 School spirit! 48 00:02:20,445 --> 00:02:21,411 Good afternoon, everyone. 49 00:02:21,513 --> 00:02:23,680 I'm Burt Parker, Dean of Students. 50 00:02:23,782 --> 00:02:25,649 Now, before you break off into your tour groups, 51 00:02:25,751 --> 00:02:28,818 I'd like you to meet the new president of Cal U, 52 00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:30,720 Jonathan Schock. 53 00:02:33,825 --> 00:02:35,959 Thank you for that heartfelt welcome, 54 00:02:36,061 --> 00:02:37,394 faculty member. 55 00:02:37,496 --> 00:02:38,762 It is an honor to welcome 56 00:02:38,864 --> 00:02:40,163 so many bright young minds here, 57 00:02:40,265 --> 00:02:42,365 to the campus of Cal U. 58 00:02:42,467 --> 00:02:44,601 And I'd like to extend a very special... 59 00:02:44,703 --> 00:02:46,936 "Konichiwa," "Cam cho," 60 00:02:47,039 --> 00:02:49,706 "Bonjour," "Buenos Dias," 61 00:02:49,808 --> 00:02:52,342 "Shalom," and "Assalamualaikum" 62 00:02:52,444 --> 00:02:54,878 to all our cash-paying foreign students. 63 00:02:54,980 --> 00:02:57,247 There will be a V.I.P. tour for you... 64 00:02:57,349 --> 00:02:58,281 and mugs. 65 00:02:58,383 --> 00:03:00,183 Go Titans. 66 00:03:02,754 --> 00:03:05,522 Okay, group B, just introduce yourself 67 00:03:05,624 --> 00:03:07,190 and tell us how you'd like to be identified. 68 00:03:07,292 --> 00:03:09,526 I'll go first... I'm Stacy. 69 00:03:09,628 --> 00:03:12,362 I'm a tri-racial gender-fluid panoramic demisexual 70 00:03:12,464 --> 00:03:14,831 and my pronoun is "they." 71 00:03:14,933 --> 00:03:16,232 Who's next? 72 00:03:16,334 --> 00:03:18,334 I need to use the bathroom. 73 00:03:20,572 --> 00:03:23,707 Oh... my... God. I had to get out of there. 74 00:03:23,809 --> 00:03:26,242 As soon as she started talking, I was praying for a nosebleed. 75 00:03:26,344 --> 00:03:27,877 Yeah, or like a wardrobe malfunction. 76 00:03:27,979 --> 00:03:28,945 Or like a flash flood. 77 00:03:29,047 --> 00:03:30,246 Or the discovery of a dead body. 78 00:03:30,348 --> 00:03:31,448 Whoa. 79 00:03:31,550 --> 00:03:32,716 Can we start over? 80 00:03:32,818 --> 00:03:34,184 Can you just tell me your name and nothing else? 81 00:03:34,286 --> 00:03:35,719 No pronouns, no sexual preferences, 82 00:03:35,821 --> 00:03:37,020 - none of that. - Zoey. 83 00:03:37,122 --> 00:03:38,154 Miriam. 84 00:03:38,256 --> 00:03:39,322 Now if we actually become friends, 85 00:03:39,424 --> 00:03:40,623 you'll learn things about my private life that 86 00:03:40,726 --> 00:03:42,292 you can go tell other people behind my back. 87 00:03:42,394 --> 00:03:44,260 Right, like you're supposed to. 88 00:03:44,362 --> 00:03:46,730 Hi! I'm with the Social Justice Dance Squad. 89 00:03:46,832 --> 00:03:48,832 Do you believe either the cops and/or rhythm 90 00:03:48,934 --> 00:03:50,266 are gonna get you? 91 00:03:50,368 --> 00:03:52,068 Uh, we're just browsing. You don't wanna... 92 00:03:52,170 --> 00:03:54,003 - Thank you. - Okay. 93 00:03:54,106 --> 00:03:56,339 How many super-specific groups do they need here? 94 00:03:56,441 --> 00:03:58,475 I know! Like, no offense to the... 95 00:03:58,577 --> 00:04:00,710 Vegan BBQ Society, 96 00:04:00,812 --> 00:04:02,512 but I'm not really the "joiner" type. 97 00:04:02,614 --> 00:04:03,913 ♪ 98 00:04:04,015 --> 00:04:05,248 Excuse me, Queen. 99 00:04:05,350 --> 00:04:07,684 Would you be interested in joining the BSU? 100 00:04:07,786 --> 00:04:09,586 Yes! Yes, I am. Yeah? 101 00:04:09,688 --> 00:04:10,653 As am I, King. 102 00:04:10,756 --> 00:04:12,522 - How you doin'? - What is the BSU? 103 00:04:12,624 --> 00:04:13,490 Uh.... 104 00:04:13,592 --> 00:04:16,082 Drop science for her, please. 105 00:04:17,896 --> 00:04:19,162 Me? Oh, well. 106 00:04:19,231 --> 00:04:21,364 The BSU stands for the... 107 00:04:21,433 --> 00:04:23,533 uh, uh, the, uh... you know, the... 108 00:04:23,602 --> 00:04:24,801 The Black... Black... 109 00:04:24,870 --> 00:04:26,002 Student... Student... 110 00:04:26,104 --> 00:04:27,070 Union. Union! 111 00:04:27,172 --> 00:04:29,405 Black Student Union... science dropped. 112 00:04:29,508 --> 00:04:31,241 I mean, come on, Miriam. This is basic stuff. 113 00:04:31,309 --> 00:04:33,143 I mean, how cray would it be for me not to know 114 00:04:33,245 --> 00:04:35,933 what the Black Student Union is? 115 00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:38,243 Right, because you're... Y-You're black. 116 00:04:38,345 --> 00:04:39,578 I am. 117 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:41,279 I'm very black. 118 00:04:41,348 --> 00:04:42,547 You what would really be crazy? 119 00:04:42,649 --> 00:04:44,716 If someone thought that you were a breeding representative 120 00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:45,717 of the Beesu, 121 00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:47,519 a new hybrid of Chinese wrinkled dog, 122 00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:49,788 which is a mixture of the bijon and the shitzu. 123 00:04:49,890 --> 00:04:51,356 But you're not, correct? 124 00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:52,624 Charlie? 125 00:04:52,693 --> 00:04:54,326 Wait. You know Professor Telphy? 126 00:04:54,394 --> 00:04:56,061 - "Professor"? - Yeah. 127 00:04:56,163 --> 00:04:58,496 W-what is happening right now? Why are you here? 128 00:04:58,565 --> 00:05:00,832 I came out to the Club Fair to pick up some high-interest, 129 00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:02,334 low-limit credit-card applications 130 00:05:02,402 --> 00:05:04,069 so I could purchase a pair of silk boots 131 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:05,737 I saw your father wear once. 132 00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:07,005 Mm. 133 00:05:07,107 --> 00:05:09,006 Okay, ignoring that. 134 00:05:09,016 --> 00:05:11,583 Charlie, why are you physically present, 135 00:05:11,652 --> 00:05:14,553 here, today, at this college. 136 00:05:14,655 --> 00:05:17,189 Oh! I'm an adjunct professor in marketing... 137 00:05:17,291 --> 00:05:19,491 Teach a class from 12:30 to 4:00 a.m. 138 00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:20,725 Who takes classes that late? 139 00:05:20,794 --> 00:05:21,993 Mostly chronic insomniacs 140 00:05:22,062 --> 00:05:24,396 and recovering methamphetamine addicts... 141 00:05:24,464 --> 00:05:26,031 who wanna get into marketing. 142 00:05:26,099 --> 00:05:28,767 Well, how do you do that and work at Stevens & Lido? 143 00:05:28,869 --> 00:05:31,870 So with the Sleep Ease pillow... 144 00:05:31,972 --> 00:05:33,305 you can sleep through anything. 145 00:05:33,373 --> 00:05:35,740 Outstanding work, Charles. 146 00:05:35,842 --> 00:05:38,210 The most important part is that I'm legally allowed 147 00:05:38,312 --> 00:05:39,377 to be here. 148 00:05:39,479 --> 00:05:40,812 And I can use the showers. 149 00:05:40,914 --> 00:05:44,207 - Zoey! - Miriam! Hey! 150 00:05:44,217 --> 00:05:45,817 Okay, well, we gotta go. 151 00:05:45,919 --> 00:05:47,051 All right, hey, well, let me know 152 00:05:47,153 --> 00:05:48,319 if you're interested in the BSU. 153 00:05:48,421 --> 00:05:49,787 Oh, so interested. 154 00:05:49,889 --> 00:05:51,856 Or if you wanna take a 1:00 a.m. class 155 00:05:51,925 --> 00:05:55,426 on brand strategy with a bunch of retired prostitutes. 156 00:05:55,528 --> 00:05:56,794 I'm her dad's boss. 157 00:05:56,896 --> 00:05:58,879 - Yeah? - Yes. 158 00:05:58,889 --> 00:06:01,256 Guys, girls, hims, hers. 159 00:06:01,358 --> 00:06:02,624 Theys. 160 00:06:02,693 --> 00:06:04,592 So for the fall, you can find your roommate 161 00:06:04,661 --> 00:06:07,562 on the official housing list we just posted. 162 00:06:07,631 --> 00:06:08,863 Oh, we should see what dorm we're living in. 163 00:06:08,965 --> 00:06:11,166 Maybe we could be roomies in the fall. 164 00:06:11,234 --> 00:06:13,001 And if not, we can find our assigned roommates and bully them into switching 165 00:06:13,103 --> 00:06:14,302 - because we have to live together. - Oh, my God. 166 00:06:14,371 --> 00:06:17,839 I was thinking the same thing. I love bullying. 167 00:06:17,908 --> 00:06:19,240 I will pretend to have anger issues, 168 00:06:19,343 --> 00:06:20,583 and you tell them you have IBS. 169 00:06:22,379 --> 00:06:25,046 Were you really serious about joining the BSU? 170 00:06:25,148 --> 00:06:27,749 I don't know. But I was very serious about how cute he was. 171 00:06:27,818 --> 00:06:29,117 - He was so cute. - Oh, my God. 172 00:06:29,219 --> 00:06:30,452 But I'm looking at this campus catalog 173 00:06:30,554 --> 00:06:32,654 and the BSU meets, like, three times a year. 174 00:06:32,756 --> 00:06:34,422 Ugh! That's basically a cult. 175 00:06:34,524 --> 00:06:36,024 No, thank you. 176 00:06:36,126 --> 00:06:37,325 Here I am. 177 00:06:37,427 --> 00:06:39,527 Prepare to be body-shamed into a room transfer... 178 00:06:39,629 --> 00:06:41,129 Kristin Papadakas. 179 00:06:41,231 --> 00:06:42,130 Wait. 180 00:06:42,232 --> 00:06:43,865 Ooh. Uh... 181 00:06:43,967 --> 00:06:45,667 Stacy, hey! I don't see my name. 182 00:06:45,769 --> 00:06:47,102 Don't worry... As long as your parents 183 00:06:47,204 --> 00:06:48,570 turned in your housing form on time, 184 00:06:48,672 --> 00:06:49,671 you'll be fine. 185 00:06:49,773 --> 00:06:51,272 And with those simple words, 186 00:06:51,375 --> 00:06:52,307 I immediately knew... 187 00:06:52,409 --> 00:06:54,242 Bow! I'm stuck! 188 00:06:54,344 --> 00:06:55,777 I don't wanna die like this! 189 00:06:55,879 --> 00:06:57,312 Please, God, not like this! 190 00:06:57,414 --> 00:06:59,781 I absolutely did not 191 00:06:59,883 --> 00:07:01,301 have housing. 192 00:07:04,398 --> 00:07:06,021 Yes, I'm sure, Mom. 193 00:07:06,031 --> 00:07:07,397 My name is not on here! 194 00:07:07,499 --> 00:07:09,800 - Zoey, calm down! Okay? - What? 195 00:07:09,868 --> 00:07:11,535 I'm sure it's just a simple mistake. 196 00:07:11,603 --> 00:07:14,771 It is not a simple mistake. This is that racist BS. 197 00:07:14,873 --> 00:07:15,906 Shut... Dre! 198 00:07:16,008 --> 00:07:18,308 Are you sure you sent in Zoey's housing forms? 199 00:07:18,410 --> 00:07:20,143 - Don't do this, Bow. - What? 200 00:07:20,153 --> 00:07:21,619 Not right now, okay? 201 00:07:21,687 --> 00:07:24,188 Because this is about Zoey learning an important lesson 202 00:07:24,257 --> 00:07:26,323 that this is how we're treated in the real world! 203 00:07:26,392 --> 00:07:27,992 Okay, no... Right, you're right. Now, are you sure that 204 00:07:28,060 --> 00:07:30,127 you... handled it though? 205 00:07:30,229 --> 00:07:32,797 Yes, would you like me to walk you through the steps? 206 00:07:32,899 --> 00:07:34,031 - Very much, I would. - Okay. 207 00:07:34,133 --> 00:07:35,433 I got the paperwork... 208 00:07:35,501 --> 00:07:36,867 Housing application. 209 00:07:36,936 --> 00:07:38,102 Filled it out... No! 210 00:07:38,171 --> 00:07:39,804 Put it in an envelope, 211 00:07:39,906 --> 00:07:41,305 put a stamp on it, 212 00:07:41,374 --> 00:07:43,240 and was headed to the Post Office. 213 00:07:43,342 --> 00:07:44,775 Wha...? 214 00:07:44,877 --> 00:07:46,177 The McRib? 215 00:07:46,245 --> 00:07:48,379 And I know I dropped it off at the Post Office 216 00:07:48,448 --> 00:07:52,268 because it was the same day the McRib came... back. 217 00:07:52,278 --> 00:07:53,444 - Hmm. - Oh, my God. 218 00:07:53,546 --> 00:07:55,779 ♪ 219 00:07:55,848 --> 00:07:57,348 - But it was the McRib, Bow! - Oh, wha... 220 00:07:57,450 --> 00:07:58,782 - The McRib! - What? 221 00:07:58,884 --> 00:08:01,352 It disappears and reappears when it wants, 222 00:08:01,420 --> 00:08:03,387 - like Pops! - Okay, great. 223 00:08:03,456 --> 00:08:05,422 I'm sure the Housing Department will accept that 224 00:08:05,491 --> 00:08:06,590 as a reasonable answer. 225 00:08:06,659 --> 00:08:08,726 I'll just tell them the McRib was back! 226 00:08:08,828 --> 00:08:10,527 I'll handle this myself, thanks. 227 00:08:10,630 --> 00:08:12,162 Thanks for nothing. 228 00:08:15,402 --> 00:08:16,434 Schock. 229 00:08:16,536 --> 00:08:17,769 We've got a real problem. 230 00:08:17,838 --> 00:08:18,970 You're supposed to call the president, "President." 231 00:08:19,072 --> 00:08:20,805 Okay. We've got a real problem. 232 00:08:20,907 --> 00:08:22,273 You're not gonna say it, are you? 233 00:08:23,410 --> 00:08:25,710 We may have a meningitis outbreak. 234 00:08:25,812 --> 00:08:27,458 Why does that concern me? 235 00:08:27,468 --> 00:08:28,501 You mean beside the fact 236 00:08:28,569 --> 00:08:30,069 that you're president of the University 237 00:08:30,138 --> 00:08:32,538 and everyone in the East Dorm may need a spinal tap? 238 00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:34,707 Will these spinal tapees help me get $10 mil 239 00:08:34,775 --> 00:08:35,808 for the new aquatic center, huh? 240 00:08:35,877 --> 00:08:37,776 I-I don't think it works like that. 241 00:08:37,845 --> 00:08:40,312 Well, Parker, what would you do in this situation? 242 00:08:40,414 --> 00:08:41,914 Oh, wh... What would I do? 243 00:08:42,016 --> 00:08:43,048 Yes. 244 00:08:43,151 --> 00:08:44,483 You mean, if the search committee had 245 00:08:44,552 --> 00:08:46,652 placed value on my 30 years of academic 246 00:08:46,721 --> 00:08:48,254 and administrative experience with students 247 00:08:48,356 --> 00:08:51,850 rather than your rocky tenure as C.E.O. of Koo Koo Roo? 248 00:08:51,860 --> 00:08:54,327 I'll have you know, people loved our mac 'n' cheese. 249 00:08:54,429 --> 00:08:55,695 Loved it. 250 00:08:55,764 --> 00:08:57,931 My idea. Yeah. 251 00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:00,233 Well, I asked one of the students 252 00:09:00,302 --> 00:09:02,202 - to meet me here so... - What? 253 00:09:02,304 --> 00:09:03,806 - You did what? - Yeah. 254 00:09:03,816 --> 00:09:05,382 So you could hear them complain 255 00:09:05,484 --> 00:09:07,985 about the improvements they want made to Hawkins Hall. 256 00:09:08,053 --> 00:09:10,253 - Hawkins? - It's the black dorm. 257 00:09:10,356 --> 00:09:13,690 We have a black dorm here on campus?! 258 00:09:13,759 --> 00:09:17,561 It was in the 200-page report about campus life 259 00:09:17,663 --> 00:09:18,929 I was forced to write for you. 260 00:09:19,031 --> 00:09:21,198 Please, just summarize it. 261 00:09:21,266 --> 00:09:23,834 Well, uh, unofficially, the students have formed 262 00:09:23,902 --> 00:09:26,837 a Black dorm, an Asian dorm, a Jewish dorm, a Muslim dorm, 263 00:09:26,939 --> 00:09:28,005 a little person's dorm... 264 00:09:28,073 --> 00:09:29,373 Well, that's actually more of a bungalow. 265 00:09:29,441 --> 00:09:30,474 That's segregation! 266 00:09:30,542 --> 00:09:32,542 Why don't we just burn the endowment now? 267 00:09:32,644 --> 00:09:34,678 I can't have investors thinking 268 00:09:34,747 --> 00:09:36,013 they're investing in "La La Land" 269 00:09:36,081 --> 00:09:38,593 and then three seconds later, it's "Moonlight". 270 00:09:38,603 --> 00:09:40,503 Quite a snafoo. 271 00:09:40,605 --> 00:09:42,005 President Schock, I have a student out here 272 00:09:42,107 --> 00:09:44,707 who wants to see you both about her housing. 273 00:09:44,810 --> 00:09:47,644 Okay, she must be the Hawkins Hall student. 274 00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:49,279 Uh, send her in. 275 00:09:49,347 --> 00:09:50,980 We need to nip this in the bud, dude. 276 00:09:51,082 --> 00:09:52,215 Yes. Okay. 277 00:09:52,317 --> 00:09:54,951 This is Zoey Johnson. 278 00:09:55,053 --> 00:09:57,320 Oh, uh... Hi. 279 00:09:57,422 --> 00:09:59,189 Please have a seat, Miss Johnson. 280 00:09:59,257 --> 00:10:00,869 Okay. 281 00:10:03,662 --> 00:10:05,628 So... 282 00:10:05,697 --> 00:10:08,698 I-I'm here to talk to you about my housing... 283 00:10:08,767 --> 00:10:11,592 I know why you're here. He doesn't. I do. 284 00:10:11,602 --> 00:10:12,435 Yes, I do. 285 00:10:12,503 --> 00:10:13,969 - No, he doesn't. - Yes, I do. 286 00:10:14,038 --> 00:10:15,971 And we are going to put a stop to it. 287 00:10:16,073 --> 00:10:17,773 Oh! 288 00:10:17,842 --> 00:10:20,576 You're putting a stop to me not having a place? 289 00:10:20,678 --> 00:10:23,045 By "place," I think she means, "space." 290 00:10:23,114 --> 00:10:24,280 As in "safe space." 291 00:10:24,382 --> 00:10:25,548 It's a term the kids are using now 292 00:10:25,650 --> 00:10:27,583 for a place they can "be themselves." 293 00:10:27,685 --> 00:10:28,784 Stupid. 294 00:10:28,886 --> 00:10:30,753 Or... just live? 295 00:10:30,822 --> 00:10:35,577 We are not going to have a segregated dorm, young lady. 296 00:10:35,587 --> 00:10:37,170 O-okay? 297 00:10:37,180 --> 00:10:39,513 That sounds right... 298 00:10:39,616 --> 00:10:41,349 for legal purposes. 299 00:10:41,451 --> 00:10:44,619 So now you agree? 300 00:10:44,721 --> 00:10:46,254 Yes... 301 00:10:46,356 --> 00:10:48,322 It feels safe to say 302 00:10:48,424 --> 00:10:51,592 I am firmly against segregation. 303 00:10:51,694 --> 00:10:53,928 Don't try to use reverse psychology on me. 304 00:10:53,997 --> 00:10:56,197 I'm the guy who took down Kenny Roger's roasters. 305 00:10:56,299 --> 00:10:57,632 - I'm not... - Nice try. 306 00:10:57,700 --> 00:10:58,766 - Nice catch. - Thank you. 307 00:10:58,835 --> 00:10:59,834 You're welcome. Uh... 308 00:10:59,902 --> 00:11:01,302 - Then it's agreed? - Wh... what's agreed? 309 00:11:01,371 --> 00:11:04,384 Effective immediately, we will disband Hawkins Hall. 310 00:11:04,394 --> 00:11:07,662 Oh, okay. Uh... so... So where will I live? 311 00:11:07,764 --> 00:11:10,131 With everyone else. 312 00:11:10,233 --> 00:11:12,033 Really? Oh! Okay. 313 00:11:12,135 --> 00:11:13,501 That's great. Thank you. 314 00:11:13,603 --> 00:11:15,136 - Thank you. - Hi. Thank you. 315 00:11:16,940 --> 00:11:18,807 I did not expect it to go this well. 316 00:11:18,909 --> 00:11:19,974 Bye. 317 00:11:21,845 --> 00:11:24,045 Parker, that's how you do it. 318 00:11:24,114 --> 00:11:25,480 I'll be honest. 319 00:11:25,582 --> 00:11:28,776 There's a good chance she has meningitis. 320 00:11:28,786 --> 00:11:31,020 So, I was killing it at college. 321 00:11:31,122 --> 00:11:32,254 No surprise there. 322 00:11:32,323 --> 00:11:33,188 Oh, hey! 323 00:11:33,291 --> 00:11:34,089 How'd it go? 324 00:11:34,191 --> 00:11:35,257 Great. Cool. 325 00:11:35,359 --> 00:11:37,259 Yo! What are you guys doin'? 326 00:11:37,361 --> 00:11:38,460 You guys wanna come check out the dorms? 327 00:11:38,529 --> 00:11:40,056 - Yeah, I'd go anywhere with you. - What? 328 00:11:40,066 --> 00:11:41,397 - Huh? - Whoa. 329 00:11:43,167 --> 00:11:45,067 Uhhh, I mean... 330 00:11:45,169 --> 00:11:46,969 It's... It's fine. Whatever. 331 00:11:47,038 --> 00:11:48,871 Okay, well it's... Let's do it. 332 00:11:48,973 --> 00:11:50,606 That way. Okay. 333 00:11:50,708 --> 00:11:51,940 Why didn't you stop me? 334 00:11:52,043 --> 00:11:53,776 I didn't want to. 335 00:11:53,844 --> 00:11:55,077 It was funny. 336 00:11:56,681 --> 00:11:57,746 Hey! 337 00:12:16,768 --> 00:12:19,169 This is where you live? This is incredible. 338 00:12:19,271 --> 00:12:20,904 This is the center of the diaspora. 339 00:12:21,006 --> 00:12:23,006 Angela Davis, June Jordan, James Baldwin... 340 00:12:23,075 --> 00:12:24,174 Some of our best and brightest 341 00:12:24,242 --> 00:12:25,442 have roamed the halls of Hawkins. 342 00:12:25,544 --> 00:12:27,277 Your friends sound awesome. 343 00:12:27,379 --> 00:12:28,578 My friends? 344 00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:30,080 - Is she serious? - Hold on. Hawkins? 345 00:12:30,148 --> 00:12:32,282 Oh, God. This is the segregated dorm. 346 00:12:32,384 --> 00:12:33,783 I wouldn't call it segregated, but... 347 00:12:33,885 --> 00:12:36,431 - No, the Black dorm. - Well, yeah. 348 00:12:36,441 --> 00:12:37,941 - I guess. - Oh, God. 349 00:12:38,009 --> 00:12:40,210 This is what Schock was talking about earlier. 350 00:12:40,278 --> 00:12:42,912 You talked to Schock... about Hawkins? 351 00:12:42,981 --> 00:12:44,047 I mean, I tried to talk to him earlier, 352 00:12:44,149 --> 00:12:45,482 but they said he was with another student. 353 00:12:45,584 --> 00:12:46,850 Guess that was me. 354 00:12:46,918 --> 00:12:48,651 Okay. Well, what'd he say? 355 00:12:50,755 --> 00:12:54,090 He said that he, maybe, might want to shut it down. 356 00:12:54,192 --> 00:12:55,291 He said what? 357 00:12:55,393 --> 00:12:56,693 He might wanna shut it down. 358 00:12:56,761 --> 00:12:58,728 Is she okay? Why are you talking like this? 359 00:12:58,830 --> 00:13:00,263 Shut it down. 360 00:13:00,365 --> 00:13:02,699 Shut it down? Sh... What? No! 361 00:13:02,767 --> 00:13:04,767 I was just gonna ask him to get our upstairs toilet fixed. 362 00:13:04,870 --> 00:13:07,670 And now he wants to close us? This can't be... okay. 363 00:13:07,772 --> 00:13:10,065 Well, what did you say? What'd you tell him? 364 00:13:11,276 --> 00:13:13,943 Oh. Okay! If I'm being honest... 365 00:13:14,045 --> 00:13:17,357 I think I might've said, "great," 366 00:13:17,367 --> 00:13:20,635 and that I was "firmly against segregation." 367 00:13:20,703 --> 00:13:22,403 But, you know, in any other circumstance, 368 00:13:22,472 --> 00:13:23,971 that would've been the right answer. 369 00:13:24,073 --> 00:13:25,506 Wow! You know, when... when you showed up 370 00:13:25,608 --> 00:13:27,575 with this white chick... sorry, but you are white... 371 00:13:27,677 --> 00:13:29,210 And you didn't know what the BSU was, 372 00:13:29,279 --> 00:13:31,245 I could kinda tell you weren't down, you know, I get it. 373 00:13:31,314 --> 00:13:33,514 But I did not think that you were against us. 374 00:13:33,583 --> 00:13:34,549 Um, I'm Jewish, 375 00:13:34,651 --> 00:13:35,816 and I've actually kissed two black dudes 376 00:13:35,885 --> 00:13:37,151 - and let one do top stuff, so... - Please stop. 377 00:13:37,253 --> 00:13:38,219 Gotcha. 378 00:13:38,321 --> 00:13:39,854 Okay, I-I'm so sorry. 379 00:13:39,956 --> 00:13:43,024 This is all just one big misunderstanding. 380 00:13:43,126 --> 00:13:44,458 I had no idea... 381 00:13:44,561 --> 00:13:46,260 Of course you had no idea, 382 00:13:46,362 --> 00:13:47,495 because you're just some mixed chick 383 00:13:47,564 --> 00:13:48,963 from, like, Encino, or... 384 00:13:49,065 --> 00:13:52,542 Only my mom is mixed, and I'm from Sherman Oaks. 385 00:13:52,552 --> 00:13:53,484 You know what? It doesn't matter. 386 00:13:53,587 --> 00:13:55,486 This always happens to us, right? 387 00:13:55,555 --> 00:13:57,689 Schock wants to shut us down? We'll see about that. 388 00:13:57,791 --> 00:13:59,624 We're not going down without a fight. Why? 389 00:13:59,726 --> 00:14:02,594 My dad's brother knows Al Sharpton's permist... 390 00:14:02,696 --> 00:14:03,628 okay? 391 00:14:03,730 --> 00:14:05,263 I'm talking about his perm guy. 392 00:14:05,365 --> 00:14:07,131 The guy that hits him with the... 393 00:14:07,233 --> 00:14:08,566 Makes it straight. 394 00:14:08,668 --> 00:14:12,036 But we know him and he will... We can reach him if need... 395 00:14:12,138 --> 00:14:13,571 It's on, is what I'm saying. 396 00:14:13,673 --> 00:14:15,373 Is there anything I can do to help? 397 00:14:15,475 --> 00:14:17,208 Yeah, you can, um... 398 00:14:17,310 --> 00:14:18,843 leave. 399 00:14:18,945 --> 00:14:21,012 If she's leaving, I'm leaving. 400 00:14:22,248 --> 00:14:24,682 Well, of course you're leaving. That was never... 401 00:14:24,784 --> 00:14:26,884 You're serious? No, yeah. You gotta go. 402 00:14:26,987 --> 00:14:28,519 I didn't think you were staying. 403 00:14:28,622 --> 00:14:31,631 - Thanks for nothing, sellout. - Appreciate your help, loser. 404 00:14:32,290 --> 00:14:34,636 Jeez, that guy Aaron was a super bummer. 405 00:14:34,646 --> 00:14:36,512 He acted like there was nowhere else he could live. 406 00:14:36,522 --> 00:14:39,056 I don't think that's exactly what he was saying. 407 00:14:39,125 --> 00:14:41,959 It's just that Hawkins meant a lot to him. 408 00:14:42,061 --> 00:14:43,394 Jeez. 409 00:14:43,462 --> 00:14:45,296 I can't believe we're never even gonna get the chance 410 00:14:45,398 --> 00:14:46,764 to be roommates. 411 00:14:46,866 --> 00:14:49,133 Our Drake poster was gonna go right there. 412 00:14:49,235 --> 00:14:51,902 Or Elliot, you mean. 413 00:14:51,971 --> 00:14:55,040 Our Drake poster was gonna go right there. 414 00:14:55,050 --> 00:14:56,283 You know what? 415 00:14:56,385 --> 00:14:57,851 I don't even go here yet, 416 00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:01,088 and I still feel like all of this is my fault. 417 00:15:01,157 --> 00:15:03,924 Aww, it's totally not your fault. 418 00:15:05,694 --> 00:15:07,194 - Well, it's a little your fault. - What? 419 00:15:07,263 --> 00:15:09,365 But you should not beat yourself up. 420 00:15:09,375 --> 00:15:10,607 I mean, maybe just a little bit, 421 00:15:10,676 --> 00:15:11,942 but then you gotta get over it, girl, 422 00:15:12,011 --> 00:15:13,043 'cause there's nothing you can do. 423 00:15:13,112 --> 00:15:14,112 Okay. 424 00:15:17,016 --> 00:15:18,282 So, in less than a day, 425 00:15:18,350 --> 00:15:20,417 I had already managed to lose my housing 426 00:15:20,519 --> 00:15:22,920 and make all the black people on campus hate me. 427 00:15:22,988 --> 00:15:24,721 And since everything usually works out for me, 428 00:15:24,790 --> 00:15:27,524 I had no idea how I was gonna fix it. 429 00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:30,894 And because things definitely couldn't get any worse, 430 00:15:30,996 --> 00:15:33,363 of course they had to get weirder. 431 00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:35,699 Acronyms... 432 00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:38,902 The only way human beings can actually learn. 433 00:15:39,004 --> 00:15:40,304 Fact! 434 00:15:42,141 --> 00:15:43,774 And the key to marketing? 435 00:15:43,876 --> 00:15:45,509 "BSMCRDF"... 436 00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:47,478 Buy. Sell. 437 00:15:47,580 --> 00:15:50,005 Marketing. Consumer. 438 00:15:50,089 --> 00:15:52,022 Relatability. Demand. 439 00:15:52,091 --> 00:15:53,591 An... 440 00:15:53,693 --> 00:15:55,059 And Files! 441 00:15:55,127 --> 00:15:57,261 Obviously, no questions, right? 442 00:15:57,363 --> 00:15:59,797 'Cause I just did that. 443 00:15:59,899 --> 00:16:01,332 That makes a lot of sense, Daddy, 444 00:16:01,434 --> 00:16:02,833 but how do I appeal to customers 445 00:16:02,935 --> 00:16:04,768 and sell products in a targeted way? 446 00:16:04,837 --> 00:16:06,637 And that's a fair question, Serendipity. 447 00:16:06,739 --> 00:16:08,272 You know what my answer is to that? 448 00:16:09,542 --> 00:16:10,741 Passion. 449 00:16:10,843 --> 00:16:13,210 I don't care if you don't remember anything I say tonight. 450 00:16:13,279 --> 00:16:16,213 I don't care if you can't even remember "BSMCRDF," 451 00:16:16,315 --> 00:16:18,282 which is highly unlikely. 452 00:16:18,384 --> 00:16:20,268 Remember passion. 453 00:16:20,471 --> 00:16:21,664 Everyone say it with me. 454 00:16:21,674 --> 00:16:23,574 - Passion. - That's right. 455 00:16:23,643 --> 00:16:25,610 How do you think I became a marketing exec 456 00:16:25,678 --> 00:16:27,945 at one of the top ad agencies in the country, huh? 457 00:16:28,014 --> 00:16:30,248 You think I was qualified? No. 458 00:16:30,350 --> 00:16:32,683 Think I had a résumé? What's that? 459 00:16:32,752 --> 00:16:34,786 Did I have the strong recommendations 460 00:16:34,888 --> 00:16:37,421 of a male exotic dancer who happened to be dating 461 00:16:37,490 --> 00:16:40,491 the big-boned, insecure head of HR at the company? 462 00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:41,592 Absolutely. 463 00:16:41,661 --> 00:16:44,695 And guess what my man's stage name was? 464 00:16:44,764 --> 00:16:46,297 Pashun. 465 00:16:46,366 --> 00:16:48,718 See how that all worked out? 466 00:16:48,728 --> 00:16:49,927 Dipity! 467 00:16:50,029 --> 00:16:52,429 What's the most important part of your job in one word? 468 00:16:52,532 --> 00:16:54,164 Hygiene? 469 00:16:55,368 --> 00:16:56,734 I meant, well... 470 00:16:56,802 --> 00:16:59,203 Yes, yes. I-I guess it is. 471 00:16:59,272 --> 00:17:01,605 In your particular trade, passion would be number two. 472 00:17:01,707 --> 00:17:03,274 But for everyone else, 473 00:17:03,342 --> 00:17:04,842 when it comes to marketing your product 474 00:17:04,911 --> 00:17:05,876 in a targeted way...? 475 00:17:05,978 --> 00:17:07,912 - Passion! - That's right. 476 00:17:07,980 --> 00:17:09,213 I couldn't believe it. 477 00:17:09,282 --> 00:17:11,315 Charlie was actually making sense. 478 00:17:11,417 --> 00:17:14,051 You see, I was expecting everything to be easy, 479 00:17:14,153 --> 00:17:16,287 but sometimes you have to work hard. 480 00:17:16,355 --> 00:17:18,355 You have to have passion. 481 00:17:21,627 --> 00:17:24,061 So I put myself out there... 482 00:17:24,130 --> 00:17:25,863 built my team... 483 00:17:29,226 --> 00:17:31,037 and convinced them 484 00:17:31,047 --> 00:17:33,314 that if we put our minds to it and stuck together, 485 00:17:33,383 --> 00:17:35,917 with passion on our side, we couldn't lose. 486 00:17:38,255 --> 00:17:40,421 Having separate houses isn't segregation... 487 00:17:40,523 --> 00:17:41,756 It's congregation. 488 00:17:41,858 --> 00:17:43,324 We're choosing to have our own dorms 489 00:17:43,426 --> 00:17:45,393 the same way some female students choose 490 00:17:45,462 --> 00:17:48,329 to go to Smith or Wellesley or Barnard. 491 00:17:48,398 --> 00:17:51,010 Or how some Black students choose to go 492 00:17:51,020 --> 00:17:52,753 to Clark or Morehouse or Howard. 493 00:17:52,822 --> 00:17:55,456 The point is, when people come together on purpose, 494 00:17:55,525 --> 00:17:58,459 it's different than when people are forced into separation. 495 00:17:58,528 --> 00:18:01,328 That coming together equals culture, empowerment, 496 00:18:01,430 --> 00:18:02,763 comfort, unity... 497 00:18:02,832 --> 00:18:05,466 All the qualities that make us proud to be Titans. 498 00:18:05,535 --> 00:18:08,169 And that's why you can't get rid of Hawkins. 499 00:18:12,074 --> 00:18:13,107 Uh, Barbara, 500 00:18:13,209 --> 00:18:15,476 can we get security in here, please? 501 00:18:15,545 --> 00:18:18,212 Wait. W-Wait, what? No. 502 00:18:18,281 --> 00:18:19,647 No! No, no, no, no, no. 503 00:18:19,715 --> 00:18:21,482 This is not how it was supposed to go. 504 00:18:21,551 --> 00:18:23,284 I was passionate... I was passionate, right? 505 00:18:23,352 --> 00:18:26,038 And you guys were supposed to listen and agree. 506 00:18:26,048 --> 00:18:27,281 This is college. 507 00:18:27,383 --> 00:18:29,316 And, God, it was supposed to be fun. 508 00:18:29,385 --> 00:18:30,584 I don't even have housing. 509 00:18:30,686 --> 00:18:32,486 And I don't have a donor to foot the bill 510 00:18:32,588 --> 00:18:34,822 for my saline solar-heated aquatic center. 511 00:18:34,924 --> 00:18:36,557 And I don't have the right job. 512 00:18:36,659 --> 00:18:39,126 Anyway... thank you very much, young lady. 513 00:18:39,195 --> 00:18:41,028 We do appreciate your passion. 514 00:18:41,130 --> 00:18:44,665 But you did not sell us. 515 00:18:46,135 --> 00:18:48,469 We have that meeting with the Dean of Residential Life. 516 00:18:48,571 --> 00:18:50,004 Wait a minute, sell... 517 00:18:50,106 --> 00:18:51,572 Selling... 518 00:18:51,674 --> 00:18:53,514 BSMCRDF! 519 00:18:53,524 --> 00:18:54,957 What? 520 00:18:55,025 --> 00:18:56,692 Definitely meningitis. Damn it! 521 00:18:56,794 --> 00:18:58,527 Your donors aren't buying 522 00:18:58,596 --> 00:19:00,762 the saline solar-heated aquatic center you're selling 523 00:19:00,831 --> 00:19:03,165 because you're not marketing it to them properly. 524 00:19:03,267 --> 00:19:04,733 If you want them to be consumers, 525 00:19:04,802 --> 00:19:07,035 you have to relate to their demand. 526 00:19:07,137 --> 00:19:08,704 Files! 527 00:19:08,806 --> 00:19:10,105 I took Professor Telphy's class, too. 528 00:19:10,207 --> 00:19:12,107 Filled with prostitutes, by the way. 529 00:19:12,176 --> 00:19:13,642 Um... might want to look into that? 530 00:19:13,744 --> 00:19:15,577 What I'm saying is that you have 531 00:19:15,679 --> 00:19:17,412 something on this campus that is unique. 532 00:19:17,514 --> 00:19:20,115 The way all of these groups come together here, 533 00:19:20,217 --> 00:19:22,417 you get more than a college experience... 534 00:19:22,519 --> 00:19:24,186 You get a cultural one. 535 00:19:24,288 --> 00:19:25,888 And you guys can sell that. 536 00:19:25,956 --> 00:19:28,237 Foreigners love that [bleep] 537 00:19:28,393 --> 00:19:29,158 I'm sorry. 538 00:19:29,261 --> 00:19:30,426 But they do. 539 00:19:31,730 --> 00:19:34,764 Hmm. Selling, marketing, 540 00:19:34,866 --> 00:19:36,266 foreign money. 541 00:19:36,368 --> 00:19:37,133 I like it. 542 00:19:37,235 --> 00:19:38,735 Parker, I can't believe 543 00:19:38,803 --> 00:19:40,870 you wanted to get rid of these culturally diverse hotbeds 544 00:19:40,972 --> 00:19:42,138 of student engagement. 545 00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,073 No, no, no, I like student engagement. 546 00:19:44,175 --> 00:19:45,608 And don't touch me. 547 00:19:45,710 --> 00:19:46,743 When they're talking to each other, 548 00:19:46,845 --> 00:19:48,044 they're not talking to me. 549 00:19:48,146 --> 00:19:49,145 And even better, 550 00:19:49,247 --> 00:19:51,214 maybe they could all be talking to you. 551 00:19:51,316 --> 00:19:52,715 Here's an idea. 552 00:19:52,817 --> 00:19:56,419 Why don't you be our new student cultural liaison? 553 00:19:56,521 --> 00:19:58,955 Aah. Sounds like something that might come with housing? 554 00:19:59,057 --> 00:20:01,024 - I should think so. - Wait. Really? 555 00:20:01,126 --> 00:20:02,258 Okay, that's great and all, 556 00:20:02,327 --> 00:20:04,060 but, you know, I'm not really even a "joiner". 557 00:20:04,162 --> 00:20:06,062 Well, then you might not even be a student, then. 558 00:20:06,131 --> 00:20:07,597 Well, that sounds like I don't have a choice. 559 00:20:07,699 --> 00:20:10,001 That's how it's supposed to sound... good. 560 00:20:11,336 --> 00:20:13,127 Then... 561 00:20:13,338 --> 00:20:14,370 I'll do it? 562 00:20:14,472 --> 00:20:15,371 Excellent! 563 00:20:15,473 --> 00:20:17,173 Then, I will see you next year. 564 00:20:17,275 --> 00:20:19,709 And if you guys could hang your head on the way out 565 00:20:19,811 --> 00:20:21,177 so people don't think you got your way... 566 00:20:21,279 --> 00:20:22,845 Hunch your shoulders, 567 00:20:22,947 --> 00:20:25,381 sad face, walk out... very good. 568 00:20:31,322 --> 00:20:33,122 - Really? - Mm-hmm. 569 00:20:33,224 --> 00:20:34,256 So, yeah. 570 00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:36,292 This college thing wasn't as easy 571 00:20:36,394 --> 00:20:37,526 as I thought it was going to be. 572 00:20:37,628 --> 00:20:38,961 But, as expected, 573 00:20:39,063 --> 00:20:40,629 I still ultimately killed it. 574 00:20:40,732 --> 00:20:42,832 And I made two new friends. 575 00:20:42,934 --> 00:20:46,402 One of which I may or may not be in love with. 576 00:20:46,504 --> 00:20:47,837 I totally am. 577 00:20:48,820 --> 00:20:50,371 - How was it? - It was fine. 578 00:20:50,381 --> 00:20:52,329 All right. 579 00:20:52,899 --> 00:20:54,132 All right. Did anything happen? 580 00:20:54,234 --> 00:20:55,700 - No. - Hey... 581 00:20:55,802 --> 00:20:58,369 I'm sorry about this whole housing thing. 582 00:20:58,472 --> 00:21:00,038 But you can commute from home. 583 00:21:00,140 --> 00:21:02,407 I actually think I worked it out. 584 00:21:02,509 --> 00:21:03,808 - Really? - Mm-hmm. 585 00:21:03,910 --> 00:21:05,910 - How? - I took Charlie's class. 586 00:21:06,012 --> 00:21:08,613 His kickboxing class that he teaches in the park? 587 00:21:08,715 --> 00:21:09,747 No. 588 00:21:09,850 --> 00:21:11,015 His marketing class. 589 00:21:11,118 --> 00:21:14,385 It turns out, Charlie is actually a beloved Professor. 590 00:21:14,488 --> 00:21:16,488 Okay, you know what, baby? That's cool, that's cool. 591 00:21:16,590 --> 00:21:19,557 You don't wanna tell me about your weekend. That's fine.