1 00:00:00,914 --> 00:00:02,113 There are certain things in life that are constants. 2 00:00:03,531 --> 00:00:05,698 New Jordans always come out on Saturdays, 3 00:00:06,304 --> 00:00:08,667 Rihanna always has a summer hit, 4 00:00:08,692 --> 00:00:11,059 and white men always go bald. 5 00:00:11,128 --> 00:00:13,962 For me, two of the most constant constants 6 00:00:13,987 --> 00:00:17,989 are my love for my family and my hatred for Bow's. 7 00:00:18,217 --> 00:00:20,785 This chilled butter wreaks havoc on a croissant. 8 00:00:21,291 --> 00:00:24,200 You Americans and your mania for refrigeration. 9 00:00:24,700 --> 00:00:26,887 This pompous croissant-eating fool 10 00:00:26,912 --> 00:00:28,633 is Bow's little brother, Johan. 11 00:00:28,742 --> 00:00:31,505 He's been teaching in France for two blissful years, 12 00:00:31,530 --> 00:00:35,410 but now he's back and I have to deal with stuff like this. 13 00:00:35,435 --> 00:00:37,801 These early meal times are so provincial. 14 00:00:37,826 --> 00:00:41,403 In Paris, we would linger over wine and cheese 15 00:00:41,428 --> 00:00:42,506 until dinner at 10:00. 16 00:00:43,797 --> 00:00:46,278 That sounds so sophisticated. Can we try it? 17 00:00:46,303 --> 00:00:47,870 - No. - Please, are you kidding? 18 00:00:47,895 --> 00:00:49,361 If we move dinner even 10 minutes, 19 00:00:49,463 --> 00:00:51,129 your dad's gonna resort to cannibalism. 20 00:00:59,220 --> 00:01:00,592 Johan! 21 00:01:00,617 --> 00:01:01,650 Hold on, cwa-sant. 22 00:01:02,282 --> 00:01:04,377 All right, around here, we say grace first. 23 00:01:05,532 --> 00:01:06,202 All right? 24 00:01:06,227 --> 00:01:07,180 Zoey. 25 00:01:07,218 --> 00:01:08,617 Lead. 26 00:01:11,530 --> 00:01:15,032 I don't know if I feel comfortable leading grace 27 00:01:15,057 --> 00:01:17,895 when I'm not sure if I believe in God. 28 00:01:19,770 --> 00:01:22,771 Did I say my love for my family was a constant? 29 00:01:22,810 --> 00:01:25,144 I meant I hate them. 30 00:01:29,495 --> 00:01:30,761 Where is this coming from? 31 00:01:30,863 --> 00:01:32,195 - Well, I... - It's that school, isn't it? 32 00:01:32,298 --> 00:01:33,928 D-Do you guys have a Wiccan club there? 33 00:01:33,953 --> 00:01:35,565 Damn it, are you a Wiccan? 34 00:01:35,668 --> 00:01:38,402 I'm not a Wiccan. I've just been thinking. 35 00:01:38,504 --> 00:01:40,707 There's so much bad stuff going on. 36 00:01:40,751 --> 00:01:43,494 If there's a God, why are people hungry? 37 00:01:43,676 --> 00:01:45,086 Why is there cancer? 38 00:01:45,162 --> 00:01:46,622 Why do babies die? 39 00:01:46,646 --> 00:01:48,377 - Why do men wear pleats? - Ooh. 40 00:01:48,402 --> 00:01:50,969 Why do any bad things happen at all? 41 00:01:51,426 --> 00:01:52,934 I still believe in God, Dad. 42 00:01:52,959 --> 00:01:54,151 Can I have the heathen's car? 43 00:01:54,176 --> 00:01:55,686 - Junior. - I'm with Zoey. 44 00:01:55,711 --> 00:01:58,672 I believe in science, not some magic man in the sky. 45 00:01:58,697 --> 00:02:00,234 Okay, look here, fake Maxwell. 46 00:02:00,259 --> 00:02:02,207 Do you believe in that food that's on your plate? 47 00:02:02,232 --> 00:02:03,199 - Oh, man. - Huh? 48 00:02:03,224 --> 00:02:05,172 - It's just... - You know, this is not a discussion. 49 00:02:05,197 --> 00:02:07,397 Zoey, as long as you live under my roof, 50 00:02:07,499 --> 00:02:09,231 you will believe in God. 51 00:02:09,256 --> 00:02:10,077 Now believe! 52 00:02:10,179 --> 00:02:11,211 - Mm... - Oh. 53 00:02:11,881 --> 00:02:13,013 - Hi, Mama. - Hey, now. Hey, now. 54 00:02:13,038 --> 00:02:14,964 - Hey, Mama - I'm sorry I'm late. 55 00:02:14,989 --> 00:02:18,175 I was having amorous FaceTime with Davis. 56 00:02:18,277 --> 00:02:20,482 You know how I roll. 57 00:02:20,507 --> 00:02:21,855 Whew! What I miss? 58 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:22,990 Oh, nothing much. 59 00:02:23,015 --> 00:02:24,942 You know, Zoey led a beautiful prayer. 60 00:02:24,967 --> 00:02:27,633 She's going to heaven, and I'm not failing as a father. 61 00:02:27,658 --> 00:02:30,013 Uh-huh, uh-huh. Well, pass Mama the corn, baby. 62 00:02:30,038 --> 00:02:33,267 FaceTiming to completion makes a woman hungry. 63 00:02:33,292 --> 00:02:34,191 Yeah. 64 00:02:34,483 --> 00:02:36,094 This is good. 65 00:02:36,119 --> 00:02:37,452 - Just look away, look away. - Okay. 66 00:02:37,477 --> 00:02:38,114 Oh, yeah. 67 00:02:38,139 --> 00:02:39,908 My daughter is broken. 68 00:02:39,933 --> 00:02:40,931 Aha. 69 00:02:41,331 --> 00:02:43,934 You finally read my anonymous letters about Diane. 70 00:02:44,426 --> 00:02:45,279 What letters? 71 00:02:45,645 --> 00:02:46,413 Although... 72 00:02:46,438 --> 00:02:48,271 if she has them, I'm as good as dead. 73 00:02:48,296 --> 00:02:50,747 Zoey doesn't believe in God anymore. 74 00:02:50,772 --> 00:02:52,385 Sweet Jesus! 75 00:02:52,924 --> 00:02:54,374 A second evil daughter. 76 00:02:54,399 --> 00:02:56,346 Well, I say good for her. 77 00:02:56,424 --> 00:02:57,013 What? 78 00:02:57,038 --> 00:03:00,027 Ah, look, I'm not a God guy, either, Dre. 79 00:03:00,052 --> 00:03:01,318 Big fan of religion, though. 80 00:03:01,420 --> 00:03:02,519 Convenient tax shelter, 81 00:03:02,544 --> 00:03:05,260 and it keeps poor people from stealing my stuff. 82 00:03:05,285 --> 00:03:05,715 Hm. 83 00:03:05,740 --> 00:03:07,901 Well, if you were a God guy, 84 00:03:07,926 --> 00:03:10,216 you'd know you were going to hell. 85 00:03:10,241 --> 00:03:11,572 Well, lucky for me, I'm not. 86 00:03:11,674 --> 00:03:13,542 Dodged that imaginary bullet. 87 00:03:13,567 --> 00:03:15,133 Boom. 88 00:03:15,312 --> 00:03:16,744 Sorry to interrupt, boss. 89 00:03:16,769 --> 00:03:17,704 Just came to get my check. 90 00:03:17,729 --> 00:03:18,761 Okay, it's right there. 91 00:03:19,570 --> 00:03:21,966 Oh, don't tell me you're a Goddy, too. 92 00:03:22,247 --> 00:03:23,907 What?! 93 00:03:24,053 --> 00:03:26,120 "Only God can judge me." 94 00:03:26,184 --> 00:03:27,950 See the cross piece right there? 95 00:03:28,013 --> 00:03:28,789 Bam. 96 00:03:28,814 --> 00:03:31,025 - Okay. - Just the way I was raised. 97 00:03:31,050 --> 00:03:32,482 My granny from Alabama. 98 00:03:32,584 --> 00:03:35,519 Bible Belt... world of struggle down there. 99 00:03:36,319 --> 00:03:38,365 You know what the Bible Belt is synonymous with? 100 00:03:38,390 --> 00:03:41,145 - Oh, no. - Bibles and slavery. 101 00:03:41,170 --> 00:03:41,911 Oh, my God. 102 00:03:41,936 --> 00:03:43,169 And belts. 103 00:03:43,462 --> 00:03:45,251 - Don't forget them belts, Dre. - Mm-hmm. 104 00:03:45,276 --> 00:03:49,743 It is impressive how any word can get you to slavery. 105 00:03:49,768 --> 00:03:51,992 Try, um, Skittles. 106 00:03:52,017 --> 00:03:53,479 - Go. - Oh, good luck with that. 107 00:03:53,783 --> 00:03:55,105 Dre, you got this. 108 00:03:55,619 --> 00:03:57,174 Ain't no brown skittles. 109 00:03:57,276 --> 00:03:59,342 Get 'em. 110 00:03:59,976 --> 00:04:03,526 What I was trying to say is it's no coincidence 111 00:04:03,551 --> 00:04:06,790 that slaves became the strongest believers. 112 00:04:07,431 --> 00:04:08,718 They were looking for something 113 00:04:08,787 --> 00:04:11,321 to get them past what they were going through, 114 00:04:11,390 --> 00:04:14,191 and that something was God. 115 00:04:14,804 --> 00:04:17,027 And if you're struggling... 116 00:04:17,129 --> 00:04:18,628 displaced... 117 00:04:19,065 --> 00:04:20,498 hopeless... 118 00:04:21,066 --> 00:04:22,432 poverty-stricken... 119 00:04:22,768 --> 00:04:25,376 there is one thing that they have in common, 120 00:04:25,401 --> 00:04:28,612 and it's the belief that no matter where they are today, 121 00:04:28,637 --> 00:04:34,077 something better is coming in this world or the next. 122 00:04:38,225 --> 00:04:38,981 Ooh. Oh, my. 123 00:04:39,006 --> 00:04:39,626 Sorry. 124 00:04:39,651 --> 00:04:41,342 Dozed off there. 125 00:04:41,367 --> 00:04:43,580 Can I fire him for boring me? 126 00:04:43,605 --> 00:04:45,839 Normally, I would say no, but that was a lot. 127 00:04:45,864 --> 00:04:48,037 - Ooh. - At that moment, it hit me. 128 00:04:48,062 --> 00:04:50,192 _ 129 00:04:52,083 --> 00:04:53,630 - _ - I need to get lipo. 130 00:04:53,655 --> 00:04:56,623 I was beginning to see a pattern. 131 00:04:59,848 --> 00:05:03,516 It was the same pattern that I saw every day of the my life. 132 00:05:05,541 --> 00:05:08,174 This is some white [bleep]. 133 00:05:08,199 --> 00:05:10,451 We are in crisis. 134 00:05:10,476 --> 00:05:12,176 Dinner will be ready in five minutes, Dre. 135 00:05:12,201 --> 00:05:13,756 If you're hungry, just eat a carrot. 136 00:05:13,781 --> 00:05:14,885 What are you doing? What are you doing? 137 00:05:14,910 --> 00:05:15,529 What are you doing?! 138 00:05:15,554 --> 00:05:18,649 I am about to pour atheism down the drain. 139 00:05:18,674 --> 00:05:19,416 Look at this. 140 00:05:19,441 --> 00:05:19,997 Whoa! 141 00:05:20,022 --> 00:05:22,579 We have surrounded our kids with so much white-people stuff 142 00:05:22,604 --> 00:05:24,267 - that they no longer believe in God. - Dre... 143 00:05:24,292 --> 00:05:27,707 So from here on out, no more almond milk, radicchio, 144 00:05:27,732 --> 00:05:29,692 hummus, goat cheese, or quail egg. 145 00:05:29,717 --> 00:05:31,205 To hell with Whole Foods. 146 00:05:31,230 --> 00:05:34,150 From here on out, we are a Food 4 Less family. 147 00:05:34,175 --> 00:05:35,717 - And you know who shops there? - Who? 148 00:05:35,742 --> 00:05:36,934 True believers. 149 00:05:36,959 --> 00:05:38,331 Okay, you know what? Dre, listen. 150 00:05:38,356 --> 00:05:39,686 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. 151 00:05:39,711 --> 00:05:42,429 Look, we just have to give Zoey a little time. 152 00:05:42,454 --> 00:05:43,040 That's all. 153 00:05:43,142 --> 00:05:45,071 She's just going through a phase, sweetheart. 154 00:05:45,096 --> 00:05:46,768 - Or maybe she isn't. - Okay. 155 00:05:46,793 --> 00:05:48,112 There are more black atheists than you think. 156 00:05:48,137 --> 00:05:49,421 We have a bowling team. 157 00:05:49,467 --> 00:05:50,699 Wait. "We"? 158 00:05:51,698 --> 00:05:53,098 Bowling team? 159 00:05:53,212 --> 00:05:55,924 See, this is the problem. 160 00:05:55,949 --> 00:05:57,665 There's a whole generation out there 161 00:05:57,690 --> 00:05:58,766 that's too comfortable. 162 00:05:58,791 --> 00:06:00,892 They think they don't need God. 163 00:06:00,917 --> 00:06:03,371 There's a straight line from entitlement to atheism. 164 00:06:03,396 --> 00:06:04,369 - Okay. - Come on, Dre. 165 00:06:04,394 --> 00:06:05,822 How could you believe in something so illogical? 166 00:06:05,847 --> 00:06:07,475 Listen, in Dre's defense, 167 00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:09,933 I've learned that science doesn't explain everything. 168 00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:10,993 - Oh. - You know, I've been around 169 00:06:11,018 --> 00:06:14,475 a ton of patients in the room when they die. 170 00:06:14,500 --> 00:06:15,517 I don't know what you call it, 171 00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:20,121 but something happens, and you feel... something. 172 00:06:20,146 --> 00:06:22,270 That hospital air conditioning... it's powerful. 173 00:06:22,295 --> 00:06:23,247 No, no, no, no. 174 00:06:23,349 --> 00:06:25,182 Something bigger than us. 175 00:06:25,207 --> 00:06:27,108 Yeah, you ever seen a hospital A/C unit? 176 00:06:27,133 --> 00:06:27,846 It's huge. 177 00:06:27,871 --> 00:06:28,804 - To keep it cold... - O-O-Okay. 178 00:06:28,829 --> 00:06:30,069 Okay, okay. 179 00:06:30,094 --> 00:06:32,437 I'm done. It's over, all right? 180 00:06:32,462 --> 00:06:34,858 And no more talking about Zoey and atheism. 181 00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:36,470 Whew! Hey. 182 00:06:36,822 --> 00:06:38,996 Please tell me you said "aneurysm." 183 00:06:40,213 --> 00:06:41,645 Mama... 184 00:06:42,319 --> 00:06:43,333 Zoey's dying. 185 00:06:43,358 --> 00:06:44,629 - Wha... - She got a huge tumor, 186 00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:45,776 and it's about to explode. 187 00:06:45,801 --> 00:06:46,818 - Very sad. - What? 188 00:06:46,843 --> 00:06:48,231 Dre! Dre. 189 00:06:48,256 --> 00:06:49,835 - Huh? - Ruby, Ruby. 190 00:06:49,860 --> 00:06:52,022 Nothing is wrong with Zoey, okay? 191 00:06:52,047 --> 00:06:53,380 She's just being a teenager, 192 00:06:53,405 --> 00:06:55,007 and she's asking questions about God. 193 00:06:55,032 --> 00:06:56,113 - Just... - Yeah, questions like, 194 00:06:56,137 --> 00:06:56,949 "I don't believe in him." 195 00:06:56,974 --> 00:06:58,124 Wait. 196 00:06:58,149 --> 00:06:59,558 - Oh. - Just a minute. 197 00:07:00,025 --> 00:07:01,616 See, see, that's what I'm talking about. 198 00:07:02,077 --> 00:07:03,131 This all your fault, Rainbow. 199 00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:04,364 - No. - Nuh-unh-unh. 200 00:07:04,389 --> 00:07:06,756 Your family history of blasphemy 201 00:07:06,849 --> 00:07:10,693 has seeped into my grandbaby and damned her for eternity! 202 00:07:10,717 --> 00:07:12,483 Oh, Black Jesus! 203 00:07:12,688 --> 00:07:15,389 Let the miracle of your aneurysm take her now. 204 00:07:15,491 --> 00:07:16,924 - Take her now! - No! No! 205 00:07:17,026 --> 00:07:18,792 Don't ask Jesus to kill our daughter! 206 00:07:18,894 --> 00:07:20,176 We can make her believe! 207 00:07:20,793 --> 00:07:22,831 I am talking about Rainbow. 208 00:07:22,856 --> 00:07:23,864 - Wha... - Oh. 209 00:07:23,966 --> 00:07:25,801 Oh, take her now, Lord! 210 00:07:25,826 --> 00:07:27,375 W-Well, not now. I mean... 211 00:07:30,543 --> 00:07:31,269 Yeah. 212 00:07:31,294 --> 00:07:33,094 - Married into that. - I did. 213 00:07:33,300 --> 00:07:36,935 ♪ What a wonderful world ♪ 214 00:07:38,996 --> 00:07:42,998 ♪ Oh, yes ♪ 215 00:07:43,212 --> 00:07:44,344 And that... 216 00:07:44,943 --> 00:07:46,573 is what God looks like. 217 00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:48,561 - Really? - Mm-hmm. 218 00:07:48,586 --> 00:07:51,005 God looks like a 20-minute screen saver 219 00:07:51,030 --> 00:07:53,436 set to a 99-cent iTunes soundtrack. 220 00:07:53,842 --> 00:07:54,841 Fine. 221 00:07:55,545 --> 00:07:57,473 I'm gonna take you down to your mom's hospital 222 00:07:57,498 --> 00:07:59,431 so you can watch somebody die. 223 00:08:00,081 --> 00:08:01,644 Apparently, that's all that happens there. 224 00:08:01,669 --> 00:08:03,535 - You know what? I'm out. - Hey, hey, babe. 225 00:08:03,638 --> 00:08:05,479 Help your old man up. You know my knees hurt. 226 00:08:05,504 --> 00:08:06,939 Thank you. 227 00:08:07,454 --> 00:08:09,575 Our Father, who art in heaven, 228 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:10,693 hallowed be thy name, 229 00:08:10,718 --> 00:08:13,519 - thy kingdom come... - Dad! You're better than this. 230 00:08:15,214 --> 00:08:18,327 Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. 231 00:08:18,965 --> 00:08:21,220 Forgive us for not... our trespasses. 232 00:08:21,322 --> 00:08:23,316 It's... 233 00:08:27,319 --> 00:08:32,061 Jack, Diane, I have cookies! 234 00:08:32,251 --> 00:08:34,388 - Cookies! - Cookies! 235 00:08:34,419 --> 00:08:35,585 I have no cookies. 236 00:08:36,452 --> 00:08:38,365 Clean up this mess! 237 00:08:38,390 --> 00:08:40,736 One day you're gonna say that, and we're not gonna come. 238 00:08:40,761 --> 00:08:41,525 And you know what? 239 00:08:41,550 --> 00:08:44,096 That's the day I'm actually gonna have cookies. 240 00:08:44,459 --> 00:08:45,621 That's why she's the mom. 241 00:08:45,646 --> 00:08:47,283 That's right, that's why I'm the mom. 242 00:08:47,308 --> 00:08:48,547 Listen, guys. 243 00:08:48,572 --> 00:08:50,320 I have another one on the way, 244 00:08:50,345 --> 00:08:52,583 and you need to step up your game. 245 00:08:52,608 --> 00:08:56,406 You got to pick up your clothes. 246 00:08:57,274 --> 00:08:59,409 Wet towels... they go on the hook. 247 00:08:59,862 --> 00:09:01,405 Cap on. 248 00:09:01,430 --> 00:09:03,700 Soap in the soap dish. 249 00:09:03,725 --> 00:09:05,541 And rinse out the sink. 250 00:09:05,566 --> 00:09:07,710 Got it. Uh, should we also do the mirror? 251 00:09:07,735 --> 00:09:09,742 Yes. 252 00:09:09,767 --> 00:09:10,987 Spray and wipe it down. 253 00:09:11,056 --> 00:09:15,389 And don't forget to wipe down the counter. 254 00:09:15,414 --> 00:09:17,685 - We won't. - We won't. 255 00:09:17,973 --> 00:09:20,231 It was time to get real with Zoey, 256 00:09:20,256 --> 00:09:21,723 so I called in my closer. 257 00:09:22,233 --> 00:09:23,558 Thanks for helping me out, Ma. 258 00:09:23,583 --> 00:09:25,617 Mm-hmm. You were right to ask me. 259 00:09:26,298 --> 00:09:28,737 - Now, let'so do God's work. - Let's go. 260 00:09:41,741 --> 00:09:43,634 - Just twist and tuck. - Okay. 261 00:09:43,744 --> 00:09:45,749 What the hell are you doing? 262 00:09:45,774 --> 00:09:48,361 Oh, Uncle Johan is showing me his messy-bun technique. 263 00:09:48,386 --> 00:09:50,159 It's more of a tussled chignon. 264 00:09:50,184 --> 00:09:52,623 Oh, what a shame, this beautiful child 265 00:09:52,648 --> 00:09:55,454 is gonna spend eternity in a lagoon of fire! 266 00:09:55,556 --> 00:09:56,894 - Eh. - Ah. 267 00:09:56,963 --> 00:09:59,705 This is gonna go up like a tiki torch down there. 268 00:09:59,753 --> 00:10:03,048 Zoey, this is ridiculous. 269 00:10:03,073 --> 00:10:05,150 I didn't raise you to be non-believer. 270 00:10:05,290 --> 00:10:07,541 Non-believer sounds so judgmental. 271 00:10:07,566 --> 00:10:08,597 I might not believe in God, 272 00:10:08,622 --> 00:10:09,906 but I believe in a lot of other stuff. 273 00:10:09,931 --> 00:10:10,885 I believe in community. 274 00:10:10,910 --> 00:10:12,822 I believe in friendship. I believe in love. 275 00:10:12,847 --> 00:10:15,889 Oh, you sound so stupid. 276 00:10:15,914 --> 00:10:16,975 Zoey. 277 00:10:17,734 --> 00:10:21,318 I know you're having fun testing the boundaries. 278 00:10:21,343 --> 00:10:23,251 But you got to know that there's somebody up there 279 00:10:23,276 --> 00:10:24,302 that's looking out for you. 280 00:10:24,327 --> 00:10:25,473 Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. 281 00:10:25,498 --> 00:10:28,829 Like God looked out for Noah in the great flood. 282 00:10:29,726 --> 00:10:30,656 In that story, 283 00:10:30,681 --> 00:10:33,014 didn't God kill everyone that wasn't named Noah? 284 00:10:33,039 --> 00:10:34,772 Now, the answer to that is yes! 285 00:10:35,076 --> 00:10:36,203 Glory, hallelujah. 286 00:10:36,228 --> 00:10:37,691 Zoey, focus on your curl pattern. 287 00:10:37,716 --> 00:10:39,649 Okay, that's something real, something you can touch, 288 00:10:39,674 --> 00:10:41,472 not some fairy tale in the Bible. 289 00:10:41,497 --> 00:10:43,140 I'm not talking about the Bible. 290 00:10:43,165 --> 00:10:44,464 Wait a minute. 291 00:10:44,533 --> 00:10:45,618 What are you talking about, then? 292 00:10:45,643 --> 00:10:49,169 Zoey, I'm talking about you believing in something 293 00:10:49,194 --> 00:10:50,295 that's higher than you. 294 00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:50,937 Mm-hmm. 295 00:10:51,006 --> 00:10:52,472 Something that's gonna help guide 296 00:10:52,574 --> 00:10:54,775 and comfort you through life. 297 00:10:55,423 --> 00:10:58,220 But you and Mom do that. 298 00:10:58,245 --> 00:11:00,977 You guys have given me everything, 299 00:11:01,002 --> 00:11:02,868 and I'm thankful for it. 300 00:11:03,278 --> 00:11:04,753 Aha! 301 00:11:05,128 --> 00:11:08,254 But everything they gave you, God gave them! 302 00:11:08,279 --> 00:11:10,569 So when you thank them, you're thanking God. 303 00:11:11,485 --> 00:11:13,509 So you do believe. Uh-huh. 304 00:11:13,534 --> 00:11:14,499 Soul saved. 305 00:11:15,362 --> 00:11:17,543 Another one in the books, hallelujah. 306 00:11:17,916 --> 00:11:18,815 Hmm? 307 00:11:19,542 --> 00:11:21,353 I'm... I'm sorry, Dad. 308 00:11:21,378 --> 00:11:24,427 I wish I could tell you what you wanted to hear, 309 00:11:24,452 --> 00:11:26,474 but this is where I'm at right now. 310 00:11:40,071 --> 00:11:42,704 Okay. Okay, yeah. 311 00:11:49,847 --> 00:11:51,022 What are you doing? 312 00:11:51,047 --> 00:11:52,593 Mom told us to clean up the kitchen. 313 00:11:52,618 --> 00:11:54,640 You can't just put the plates in the dishwasher 314 00:11:54,665 --> 00:11:56,064 without scraping them off. 315 00:11:58,829 --> 00:12:00,456 Bush league. 316 00:12:03,327 --> 00:12:06,629 Food in the Tupperware. Tupperware in the fridge. 317 00:12:06,654 --> 00:12:08,888 Oh, uh, should we do the stove? 318 00:12:09,052 --> 00:12:10,799 Oh, yeah, it's filthy. 319 00:12:10,993 --> 00:12:13,430 You spray on the cleaner, and then you wipe it off. 320 00:12:13,455 --> 00:12:14,593 Oh, and don't forget the counter. 321 00:12:14,618 --> 00:12:16,472 - We won't. - We won't. 322 00:12:17,164 --> 00:12:21,076 "Dear God, thank you for my pretty house and all my friends." 323 00:12:21,766 --> 00:12:24,456 Please bless my brand-new brother and sister. 324 00:12:24,481 --> 00:12:25,813 I love them so much. 325 00:12:25,983 --> 00:12:28,172 "Love, Zoey Johnson." 326 00:12:30,857 --> 00:12:33,135 How can a little girl who wrote all these letters to God 327 00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:34,204 not believe anymore? 328 00:12:34,235 --> 00:12:35,667 What do you expect, son? 329 00:12:35,736 --> 00:12:37,713 You set a bad example. 330 00:12:38,276 --> 00:12:39,183 What are you talking about? 331 00:12:39,208 --> 00:12:40,550 I pray all the time. 332 00:12:40,553 --> 00:12:42,319 Those aren't real prayers. 333 00:12:42,621 --> 00:12:44,426 Those are genie prayers. 334 00:12:44,451 --> 00:12:45,099 Eh? 335 00:12:45,124 --> 00:12:47,985 Please, God, let them have my size. 336 00:12:48,010 --> 00:12:49,350 Please, God. 337 00:12:50,148 --> 00:12:52,388 Please, God, let LeBron cover the spread! 338 00:12:52,413 --> 00:12:53,480 Come on! 339 00:12:53,583 --> 00:12:55,599 Oh, please, God, let there be some pizza left. 340 00:12:55,624 --> 00:12:58,123 Please, God, let there be some pizza left. 341 00:12:59,061 --> 00:13:00,227 Veggie? 342 00:13:00,529 --> 00:13:01,332 Come on! 343 00:13:01,688 --> 00:13:04,894 God doesn't grant wishes, son. 344 00:13:04,919 --> 00:13:06,646 That's just foolishness. 345 00:13:06,671 --> 00:13:07,429 Oh, really? 346 00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:11,056 God, please, let it be a Dooney & Bourke. 347 00:13:11,347 --> 00:13:12,813 Oh, God, please. 348 00:13:12,931 --> 00:13:14,520 Whoo-hoo-hoo! 349 00:13:14,545 --> 00:13:16,244 Listen... 350 00:13:16,269 --> 00:13:19,937 if you dig down deep and truly pray, 351 00:13:20,493 --> 00:13:21,894 God will hear you. 352 00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:23,192 Hmm. 353 00:13:23,661 --> 00:13:24,526 Whew. 354 00:13:24,711 --> 00:13:26,622 Real prayer works. 355 00:13:26,903 --> 00:13:28,624 Mm. 356 00:13:28,649 --> 00:13:30,444 Believe that. 357 00:13:36,300 --> 00:13:40,441 Dear God, it's Dre, but you already know that. 358 00:13:40,543 --> 00:13:42,847 Please give me guidance about Zoey. 359 00:13:42,872 --> 00:13:45,390 How do I help her see that you are there for her 360 00:13:45,415 --> 00:13:47,810 the same way you've been there for me? 361 00:13:48,437 --> 00:13:50,800 I mean, you're usually there for me. 362 00:13:50,825 --> 00:13:52,258 There was that pizza thing. 363 00:13:52,327 --> 00:13:54,393 That was rough. Pizza with no meat? 364 00:13:54,418 --> 00:13:56,323 What is that? Come on. 365 00:13:56,364 --> 00:13:57,930 Okay, okay, where was I? 366 00:13:58,045 --> 00:14:00,278 Oh, Zoey. 367 00:14:00,402 --> 00:14:01,534 I'm so scared. 368 00:14:01,736 --> 00:14:03,336 She's so young, and... 369 00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:05,695 Is this blanket pilling? 370 00:14:05,772 --> 00:14:07,676 Did somebody machine-wash this? 371 00:14:08,676 --> 00:14:11,077 Black nanny... what... what is her name? 372 00:14:11,236 --> 00:14:12,545 I got to talk to her. 373 00:14:12,570 --> 00:14:14,478 Uh... focus, Dre, focus. 374 00:14:14,503 --> 00:14:17,717 You're talking to the big guy, the notorious G-O-D. 375 00:14:18,149 --> 00:14:21,877 Wow, I miss Biggie. Gone too soon. 376 00:14:21,902 --> 00:14:24,100 Okay, okay, okay, okay. For real this time. 377 00:14:24,436 --> 00:14:27,476 Dear God, Father above, giver of strength... 378 00:14:28,697 --> 00:14:30,016 Is somebody making popcorn? 379 00:14:30,532 --> 00:14:31,959 Please let it be kettle corn. 380 00:14:32,116 --> 00:14:34,100 Please let it be kettle corn. 381 00:14:34,125 --> 00:14:35,958 Ugh! Why do I suck at praying? 382 00:14:41,307 --> 00:14:42,277 Really, Dre? 383 00:14:42,302 --> 00:14:42,876 What? 384 00:14:42,901 --> 00:14:45,542 What did I tell you about eating sugary snacks in bed? 385 00:14:45,567 --> 00:14:47,129 Do you know how many duvet covers 386 00:14:47,154 --> 00:14:49,506 you have ruined with caramel? 387 00:14:51,029 --> 00:14:52,761 I lost my connection to God. 388 00:14:52,824 --> 00:14:54,403 Oh. Dre. 389 00:14:55,965 --> 00:14:58,261 Three flavors in one tin. 390 00:14:58,286 --> 00:15:00,179 If that's not God, I don't know what is. 391 00:15:00,204 --> 00:15:01,270 I'm being serious, Bow. 392 00:15:01,295 --> 00:15:02,063 Fine, sorry. 393 00:15:02,088 --> 00:15:03,377 - All right. - This is disgusting. 394 00:15:03,540 --> 00:15:05,151 Remember that time when Zoey was little 395 00:15:05,176 --> 00:15:07,343 and she had that fever that just wouldn't go down, 396 00:15:07,445 --> 00:15:09,245 and no one could tell us what was wrong? 397 00:15:09,347 --> 00:15:12,740 - Yes. - All we could do was pray. 398 00:15:12,990 --> 00:15:17,505 Look, I used to have a deep, beautiful connection. 399 00:15:17,935 --> 00:15:19,952 Hell, I used to cry when I prayed. 400 00:15:19,977 --> 00:15:21,842 Used to cry all the time, period. 401 00:15:21,867 --> 00:15:25,566 I was blaming Zoey's godlessness on single-serving hummus, 402 00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:26,562 almond milk... 403 00:15:27,531 --> 00:15:29,364 but it was my fault. 404 00:15:29,716 --> 00:15:31,808 How can I expect her to have a connection with God 405 00:15:31,833 --> 00:15:33,642 when I'm struggling with my own? 406 00:15:33,667 --> 00:15:34,566 I mean... 407 00:15:35,073 --> 00:15:36,277 is God testing me? 408 00:15:36,302 --> 00:15:37,183 Dre. 409 00:15:37,793 --> 00:15:39,838 Is he gonna ask me to kill Junior next? 410 00:15:39,907 --> 00:15:42,317 Because if he catches me on the right day, I'll do it. 411 00:15:42,342 --> 00:15:45,243 - Dre! - I'm just saying, life is hard. 412 00:15:46,016 --> 00:15:46,915 All right? 413 00:15:47,376 --> 00:15:49,372 And it can turn crazy in an instant. 414 00:15:49,397 --> 00:15:50,130 Mm-hmm. 415 00:15:50,155 --> 00:15:52,050 And we're not gonna always be there for Zoey. 416 00:15:52,950 --> 00:15:54,483 I'm just worried that... 417 00:15:54,723 --> 00:15:56,067 she won't have anything to turn to 418 00:15:56,092 --> 00:15:58,151 when she finds herself alone in that foxhole. 419 00:15:58,176 --> 00:16:01,250 Dre, I want Zoey to have a connection, too, 420 00:16:01,275 --> 00:16:04,409 but you can't bully God into her. 421 00:16:04,740 --> 00:16:06,406 She's got to get there on her own. 422 00:16:06,959 --> 00:16:07,815 What if she doesn't? 423 00:16:07,887 --> 00:16:09,354 Well, then we just have to have faith 424 00:16:09,406 --> 00:16:12,685 that we raised a strong and good person 425 00:16:12,710 --> 00:16:15,711 who can handle whatever life throws at her. 426 00:16:16,164 --> 00:16:18,398 Maybe you're right. 427 00:16:18,423 --> 00:16:20,352 Oh, I'm right. I'm always right. 428 00:16:20,377 --> 00:16:23,177 Okay, well, let's agree to this right now. 429 00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,987 That we are gonna God it up with the new baby. 430 00:16:26,012 --> 00:16:26,601 Done. 431 00:16:26,626 --> 00:16:28,749 Okay, we're gonna have a priest in the delivery room. 432 00:16:28,774 --> 00:16:30,496 We gonna have a shaman give him blessings. 433 00:16:30,521 --> 00:16:31,574 I know a really good shaman. 434 00:16:31,599 --> 00:16:32,193 Okay. 435 00:16:32,218 --> 00:16:34,110 And... and I'm not trying to say anything by this. 436 00:16:34,135 --> 00:16:36,050 - Okay. - But, um... 437 00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:39,053 I don't want Diane anywhere near the baby. 438 00:16:39,078 --> 00:16:40,811 That is totally fair. 439 00:16:41,472 --> 00:16:43,536 Everybody, put your shoes on! 440 00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:46,670 We're leaving for my sonogram in 10 minutes! 441 00:16:49,752 --> 00:16:51,219 Whoo! Done. 442 00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:52,009 Uggs. 443 00:16:52,034 --> 00:16:53,949 Why are there even other shoes? 444 00:16:53,974 --> 00:16:55,732 - Whoa! - Yeah. 445 00:16:55,757 --> 00:16:57,291 This kitchen is spotless! 446 00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:00,709 Wow, the twins did such a great job. 447 00:17:00,734 --> 00:17:02,734 They lifted up the burners. 448 00:17:02,759 --> 00:17:05,479 They cleaned out the grout. 449 00:17:06,882 --> 00:17:09,712 Wow, they must've gotten up on each other's shoulders 450 00:17:09,737 --> 00:17:11,855 and just jumped up in there, huh? 451 00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:15,106 Masterfully thorough. Proud of those two. 452 00:17:15,131 --> 00:17:16,785 They really left it all on the... 453 00:17:16,810 --> 00:17:19,476 Stop it. Just stop it. 454 00:17:19,501 --> 00:17:22,278 I know it's you, and you need to stop 455 00:17:22,303 --> 00:17:24,790 doing Jack and Diane's work for them, okay? 456 00:17:24,815 --> 00:17:26,175 Or they're never gonna learn. 457 00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:29,835 Oh, like how they learned to mirror-glaze the toilet, 458 00:17:29,903 --> 00:17:32,052 alphabetize the medicine cabinet, 459 00:17:32,077 --> 00:17:33,615 and power-wash the tub? 460 00:17:36,012 --> 00:17:37,169 I'm so proud of them. 461 00:17:37,194 --> 00:17:38,743 Come on, Mom. 462 00:17:38,768 --> 00:17:39,375 What? 463 00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:42,782 The toilet paper was folded to a hotel point! 464 00:17:42,807 --> 00:17:43,806 Jack did that? 465 00:17:44,090 --> 00:17:45,893 He can't even close an envelope. 466 00:17:45,918 --> 00:17:47,960 Okay, fine, you got me. 467 00:17:47,985 --> 00:17:49,072 We're just gonna have to start 468 00:17:49,097 --> 00:17:52,370 letting them do things for themselves. Ugh. 469 00:17:52,395 --> 00:17:55,647 It's just it's so much easier and better when I do it. 470 00:17:55,672 --> 00:17:57,854 I know. 471 00:17:57,879 --> 00:17:59,445 I still wipe Jack. 472 00:18:01,711 --> 00:18:02,710 Yeah. 473 00:18:02,735 --> 00:18:04,994 Bonjour. Is this Rite Aid? 474 00:18:05,019 --> 00:18:07,535 Yeah, I'd like to check on a couple of items if I could. 475 00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:10,737 Uh, I'm looking for absinthe, valerian root, and... 476 00:18:10,762 --> 00:18:12,996 Oh, oh, what is your featured crepe batter? 477 00:18:13,167 --> 00:18:14,854 I wiped him till he was 10. 478 00:18:14,879 --> 00:18:17,154 011, country code 33... 479 00:18:17,179 --> 00:18:18,737 Wait, are you... are you writing this down? 480 00:18:18,762 --> 00:18:21,653 Hello. Hello. Hmm. 481 00:18:21,678 --> 00:18:24,612 Mom, this place is awesome. 482 00:18:26,151 --> 00:18:28,291 - Aah! - Hi, guys. 483 00:18:28,316 --> 00:18:29,638 Hi, Dr. Aziz. 484 00:18:29,663 --> 00:18:31,753 Sorry to keep you waiting. 485 00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:32,534 How you doing, Dre? 486 00:18:32,559 --> 00:18:33,893 I'm all right, Doc. How are you? 487 00:18:33,918 --> 00:18:35,718 - Good. Thank you. - Question. 488 00:18:36,518 --> 00:18:38,518 Is this, uh, poster to scale? 489 00:18:38,624 --> 00:18:41,176 And if so, do you have a picture of the face? 490 00:18:41,201 --> 00:18:42,403 - What? - Son. 491 00:18:42,428 --> 00:18:43,240 - Junior. - What? 492 00:18:43,265 --> 00:18:45,279 Don't worry. I will not bring them next time. 493 00:18:46,094 --> 00:18:48,134 All right, so, are you ready to hear your baby's heart beat? 494 00:18:48,159 --> 00:18:50,549 - Let's do it, let's do it. - Oh, let's hear it. Uh-huh. 495 00:18:50,574 --> 00:18:51,699 Yay! You guys excited? 496 00:18:51,724 --> 00:18:52,586 - Yes. - Yes. 497 00:18:52,611 --> 00:18:54,165 - Yay! - What's that? 498 00:18:54,190 --> 00:18:56,807 It's just jelly. 499 00:19:04,092 --> 00:19:05,704 She gonna grease your whole gut, baby. 500 00:19:05,729 --> 00:19:07,390 Look at her. 501 00:19:11,906 --> 00:19:12,728 Hm? 502 00:19:12,753 --> 00:19:15,225 I think your baby's playing hide-and-seek with us. 503 00:19:15,250 --> 00:19:16,330 - Oh. - Oh. 504 00:19:16,355 --> 00:19:18,309 Uh, Bow, would you mind turning over to your side? 505 00:19:18,333 --> 00:19:19,296 Sure. 506 00:19:21,181 --> 00:19:21,767 That good? 507 00:19:21,792 --> 00:19:23,392 Yes, perfect, thank you. 508 00:19:59,732 --> 00:20:01,107 My God. 509 00:20:01,132 --> 00:20:02,112 There it is. 510 00:20:02,137 --> 00:20:04,254 Yay! 511 00:20:04,366 --> 00:20:06,929 Oh, wow, that's a strong one. Do you hear it? 512 00:20:08,071 --> 00:20:09,810 Oh, thank you, God. 513 00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:12,510 What did you just say? 514 00:20:14,700 --> 00:20:16,086 - Baby, did you... - Leave it alone. Leave it alone. 515 00:20:16,111 --> 00:20:17,826 - Okay. - Leave it alone. 516 00:20:27,789 --> 00:20:30,504 Dear God, thank you for having my back 517 00:20:30,529 --> 00:20:31,871 when I need you 518 00:20:31,896 --> 00:20:35,026 and not holding it against me when I lost you for a second. 519 00:20:35,051 --> 00:20:35,628 I am... 520 00:20:35,653 --> 00:20:38,529 ashamed and ask for your forgiveness, 521 00:20:38,554 --> 00:20:41,834 even though it is a very natural act that hurts no one. 522 00:20:41,859 --> 00:20:42,568 And I hope... 523 00:20:42,593 --> 00:20:44,435 the monster who invented shoelaces 524 00:20:44,460 --> 00:20:46,734 never gets into your Velcro heaven. 525 00:20:46,759 --> 00:20:47,445 I'm not... 526 00:20:47,470 --> 00:20:49,353 asking for you to kill Jack, 527 00:20:49,378 --> 00:20:50,711 but I do want my own room. 528 00:20:50,978 --> 00:20:53,043 So if that's how it has to be, then I... 529 00:20:53,068 --> 00:20:55,713 am so grateful that everything's okay. 530 00:20:56,376 --> 00:20:57,872 Just don't let this baby be the one 531 00:20:57,897 --> 00:20:59,687 that gives me stretch marks. 532 00:20:59,980 --> 00:21:01,589 Also, please... 533 00:21:01,614 --> 00:21:05,082 restore the wi-fi to Davis' Courtyard by Marriott. 534 00:21:05,137 --> 00:21:07,363 I will yell from the hilltops! 535 00:21:07,388 --> 00:21:09,787 Thank God that weirdo stopped following me 536 00:21:09,812 --> 00:21:11,812 on Instagram, because... 537 00:21:19,906 --> 00:21:22,406 Synced and corrected by Octavia - www.addic7ed.com -