There are certain things in life that are constants.
New Jordans always come out on Saturdays,
Rihanna always has a summer hit,
and white men always go bald.
For me, two of the most constant constants
are my love for my family and my hatred for Bow's.
This chilled butter wreaks havoc on a croissant.
You Americans and your mania for refrigeration.
This pompous croissant-eating fool
is Bow's little brother, Johan.
He's been teaching in France for two blissful years,
but now he's back and I have to deal with stuff like this.
These early meal times are so provincial.
In Paris, we would linger over wine and cheese
until dinner at 10:00.
That sounds so sophisticated. Can we try it?
- No. - Please, are you kidding?
If we move dinner even 10 minutes,
your dad's gonna resort to cannibalism.
Johan!
Hold on, cwa-sant.
All right, around here, we say grace first.
All right?
Zoey.
Lead.
I don't know if I feel comfortable leading grace
when I'm not sure if I believe in God.
Did I say my love for my family was a constant?
I meant I hate them.
Where is this coming from?
- Well, I... - It's that school, isn't it?
D-Do you guys have a Wiccan club there?
Damn it, are you a Wiccan?
I'm not a Wiccan. I've just been thinking.
There's so much bad stuff going on.
If there's a God, why are people hungry?
Why is there cancer?
Why do babies die?
- Why do men wear pleats? - Ooh.
Why do any bad things happen at all?
I still believe in God, Dad.
Can I have the heathen's car?
- Junior. - I'm with Zoey.
I believe in science, not some magic man in the sky.
Okay, look here, fake Maxwell.
Do you believe in that food that's on your plate?
- Oh, man. - Huh?
- It's just... - You know, this is not a discussion.
Zoey, as long as you live under my roof,
you will believe in God.
Now believe!
- Mm... - Oh.
- Hi, Mama. - Hey, now. Hey, now.
- Hey, Mama - I'm sorry I'm late.
I was having amorous FaceTime with Davis.
You know how I roll.
Whew! What I miss?
Oh, nothing much.
You know, Zoey led a beautiful prayer.
She's going to heaven, and I'm not failing as a father.
Uh-huh, uh-huh. Well, pass Mama the corn, baby.
FaceTiming to completion makes a woman hungry.
Yeah.
This is good.
- Just look away, look away. - Okay.
Oh, yeah.
My daughter is broken.
Aha.
You finally read my anonymous letters about Diane.
What letters?
Although...
if she has them, I'm as good as dead.
Zoey doesn't believe in God anymore.
Sweet Jesus!
A second evil daughter.
Well, I say good for her.
What?
Ah, look, I'm not a God guy, either, Dre.
Big fan of religion, though.
Convenient tax shelter,
and it keeps poor people from stealing my stuff.
Hm.
Well, if you were a God guy,
you'd know you were going to hell.
Well, lucky for me, I'm not.
Dodged that imaginary bullet.
Boom.
Sorry to interrupt, boss.
Just came to get my check.
Okay, it's right there.
Oh, don't tell me you're a Goddy, too.
What?!
"Only God can judge me."
See the cross piece right there?
Bam.
- Okay. - Just the way I was raised.
My granny from Alabama.
Bible Belt... world of struggle down there.
You know what the Bible Belt is synonymous with?
- Oh, no. - Bibles and slavery.
Oh, my God.
And belts.
- Don't forget them belts, Dre. - Mm-hmm.
It is impressive how any word can get you to slavery.
Try, um, Skittles.
- Go. - Oh, good luck with that.
Dre, you got this.
Ain't no brown skittles.
Get 'em.
What I was trying to say is it's no coincidence
that slaves became the strongest believers.
They were looking for something
to get them past what they were going through,
and that something was God.
And if you're struggling...
displaced...
hopeless...
poverty-stricken...
there is one thing that they have in common,
and it's the belief that no matter where they are today,
something better is coming in this world or the next.
Ooh. Oh, my.
Sorry.
Dozed off there.
Can I fire him for boring me?
Normally, I would say no, but that was a lot.
- Ooh. - At that moment, it hit me.
_
- _ - I need to get lipo.
I was beginning to see a pattern.
It was the same pattern that I saw every day of the my life.
This is some white [bleep].
We are in crisis.
Dinner will be ready in five minutes, Dre.
If you're hungry, just eat a carrot.
What are you doing? What are you doing?
What are you doing?!
I am about to pour atheism down the drain.
Look at this.
Whoa!
We have surrounded our kids with so much white-people stuff
- that they no longer believe in God. - Dre...
So from here on out, no more almond milk, radicchio,
hummus, goat cheese, or quail egg.
To hell with Whole Foods.
From here on out, we are a Food 4 Less family.
- And you know who shops there? - Who?
True believers.
Okay, you know what? Dre, listen.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Look, we just have to give Zoey a little time.
That's all.
She's just going through a phase, sweetheart.
- Or maybe she isn't. - Okay.
There are more black atheists than you think.
We have a bowling team.
Wait. "We"?
Bowling team?
See, this is the problem.
There's a whole generation out there
that's too comfortable.
They think they don't need God.
There's a straight line from entitlement to atheism.
- Okay. - Come on, Dre.
How could you believe in something so illogical?
Listen, in Dre's defense,
I've learned that science doesn't explain everything.
- Oh. - You know, I've been around
a ton of patients in the room when they die.
I don't know what you call it,
but something happens, and you feel... something.
That hospital air conditioning... it's powerful.
No, no, no, no.
Something bigger than us.
Yeah, you ever seen a hospital A/C unit?
It's huge.
- To keep it cold... - O-O-Okay.
Okay, okay.
I'm done. It's over, all right?
And no more talking about Zoey and atheism.
Whew! Hey.
Please tell me you said "aneurysm."
Mama...
Zoey's dying.
- Wha... - She got a huge tumor,
and it's about to explode.
- Very sad. - What?
Dre! Dre.
- Huh? - Ruby, Ruby.
Nothing is wrong with Zoey, okay?
She's just being a teenager,
and she's asking questions about God.
- Just... - Yeah, questions like,
"I don't believe in him."
Wait.
- Oh. - Just a minute.
See, see, that's what I'm talking about.
This all your fault, Rainbow.
- No. - Nuh-unh-unh.
Your family history of blasphemy
has seeped into my grandbaby and damned her for eternity!
Oh, Black Jesus!
Let the miracle of your aneurysm take her now.
- Take her now! - No! No!
Don't ask Jesus to kill our daughter!
We can make her believe!
I am talking about Rainbow.
- Wha... - Oh.
Oh, take her now, Lord!
W-Well, not now. I mean...
Yeah.
- Married into that. - I did.
♪ What a wonderful world ♪
♪ Oh, yes ♪
And that...
is what God looks like.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
God looks like a 20-minute screen saver
set to a 99-cent iTunes soundtrack.
Fine.
I'm gonna take you down to your mom's hospital
so you can watch somebody die.
Apparently, that's all that happens there.
- You know what? I'm out. - Hey, hey, babe.
Help your old man up. You know my knees hurt.
Thank you.
Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name,
- thy kingdom come... - Dad! You're better than this.
Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Forgive us for not... our trespasses.
It's...
Jack, Diane, I have cookies!
- Cookies! - Cookies!
I have no cookies.
Clean up this mess!
One day you're gonna say that, and we're not gonna come.
And you know what?
That's the day I'm actually gonna have cookies.
That's why she's the mom.
That's right, that's why I'm the mom.
Listen, guys.
I have another one on the way,
and you need to step up your game.
You got to pick up your clothes.
Wet towels... they go on the hook.
Cap on.
Soap in the soap dish.
And rinse out the sink.
Got it. Uh, should we also do the mirror?
Yes.
Spray and wipe it down.
And don't forget to wipe down the counter.
- We won't. - We won't.
It was time to get real with Zoey,
so I called in my closer.
Thanks for helping me out, Ma.
Mm-hmm. You were right to ask me.
- Now, let'so do God's work. - Let's go.
- Just twist and tuck. - Okay.
What the hell are you doing?
Oh, Uncle Johan is showing me his messy-bun technique.
It's more of a tussled chignon.
Oh, what a shame, this beautiful child
is gonna spend eternity in a lagoon of fire!
- Eh. - Ah.
This is gonna go up like a tiki torch down there.
Zoey, this is ridiculous.
I didn't raise you to be non-believer.
Non-believer sounds so judgmental.
I might not believe in God,
but I believe in a lot of other stuff.
I believe in community.
I believe in friendship. I believe in love.
Oh, you sound so stupid.
Zoey.
I know you're having fun testing the boundaries.
But you got to know that there's somebody up there
that's looking out for you.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Like God looked out for Noah in the great flood.
In that story,
didn't God kill everyone that wasn't named Noah?
Now, the answer to that is yes!
Glory, hallelujah.
Zoey, focus on your curl pattern.
Okay, that's something real, something you can touch,
not some fairy tale in the Bible.
I'm not talking about the Bible.
Wait a minute.
What are you talking about, then?
Zoey, I'm talking about you believing in something
that's higher than you.
Mm-hmm.
Something that's gonna help guide
and comfort you through life.
But you and Mom do that.
You guys have given me everything,
and I'm thankful for it.
Aha!
But everything they gave you, God gave them!
So when you thank them, you're thanking God.
So you do believe. Uh-huh.
Soul saved.
Another one in the books, hallelujah.
Hmm?
I'm... I'm sorry, Dad.
I wish I could tell you what you wanted to hear,
but this is where I'm at right now.
Okay. Okay, yeah.
What are you doing?
Mom told us to clean up the kitchen.
You can't just put the plates in the dishwasher
without scraping them off.
Bush league.
Food in the Tupperware. Tupperware in the fridge.
Oh, uh, should we do the stove?
Oh, yeah, it's filthy.
You spray on the cleaner, and then you wipe it off.
Oh, and don't forget the counter.
- We won't. - We won't.
"Dear God, thank you for my pretty house and all my friends."
Please bless my brand-new brother and sister.
I love them so much.
"Love, Zoey Johnson."
How can a little girl who wrote all these letters to God
not believe anymore?
What do you expect, son?
You set a bad example.
What are you talking about?
I pray all the time.
Those aren't real prayers.
Those are genie prayers.
Eh?
Please, God, let them have my size.
Please, God.
Please, God, let LeBron cover the spread!
Come on!
Oh, please, God, let there be some pizza left.
Please, God, let there be some pizza left.
Veggie?
Come on!
God doesn't grant wishes, son.
That's just foolishness.
Oh, really?
God, please, let it be a Dooney & Bourke.
Oh, God, please.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Listen...
if you dig down deep and truly pray,
God will hear you.
Hmm.
Whew.
Real prayer works.
Mm.
Believe that.
Dear God, it's Dre, but you already know that.
Please give me guidance about Zoey.
How do I help her see that you are there for her
the same way you've been there for me?
I mean, you're usually there for me.
There was that pizza thing.
That was rough. Pizza with no meat?
What is that? Come on.
Okay, okay, where was I?
Oh, Zoey.
I'm so scared.
She's so young, and...
Is this blanket pilling?
Did somebody machine-wash this?
Black nanny... what... what is her name?
I got to talk to her.
Uh... focus, Dre, focus.
You're talking to the big guy, the notorious G-O-D.
Wow, I miss Biggie. Gone too soon.
Okay, okay, okay, okay. For real this time.
Dear God, Father above, giver of strength...
Is somebody making popcorn?
Please let it be kettle corn.
Ugh! Why do I suck at praying?
Really, Dre?
What?
What did I tell you about eating sugary snacks in bed?
Do you know how many duvet covers
you have ruined with caramel?
I lost my connection to God.
Oh. Dre.
Three flavors in one tin.
If that's not God, I don't know what is.
I'm being serious, Bow.
Fine, sorry.
- All right. - This is disgusting.
Remember that time when Zoey was little
and she had that fever that just wouldn't go down,
and no one could tell us what was wrong?
- Yes. - All we could do was pray.
Look, I used to have a deep, beautiful connection.
Hell, I used to cry when I prayed.
Used to cry all the time, period.
I was blaming Zoey's godlessness on single-serving hummus,
almond milk...
but it was my fault.
How can I expect her to have a connection with God
when I'm struggling with my own?
I mean...
is God testing me?
Dre.
Is he gonna ask me to kill Junior next?
Because if he catches me on the right day, I'll do it.
- Dre! - I'm just saying, life is hard.
All right?
And it can turn crazy in an instant.
Mm-hmm.
And we're not gonna always be there for Zoey.
I'm just worried that...
she won't have anything to turn to
when she finds herself alone in that foxhole.
Dre, I want Zoey to have a connection, too,
but you can't bully God into her.
She's got to get there on her own.
What if she doesn't?
Well, then we just have to have faith
that we raised a strong and good person
who can handle whatever life throws at her.
Maybe you're right.
Oh, I'm right. I'm always right.
Okay, well, let's agree to this right now.
That we are gonna God it up with the new baby.
Done.
Okay, we're gonna have a priest in the delivery room.
We gonna have a shaman give him blessings.
I know a really good shaman.
Okay.
And... and I'm not trying to say anything by this.
- Okay. - But, um...
I don't want Diane anywhere near the baby.
That is totally fair.
Everybody, put your shoes on!
We're leaving for my sonogram in 10 minutes!
Whoo! Done.
Uggs.
Why are there even other shoes?
- Whoa! - Yeah.
This kitchen is spotless!
Wow, the twins did such a great job.
They lifted up the burners.
They cleaned out the grout.
Wow, they must've gotten up on each other's shoulders
and just jumped up in there, huh?
Masterfully thorough. Proud of those two.
They really left it all on the...
Stop it. Just stop it.
I know it's you, and you need to stop
doing Jack and Diane's work for them, okay?
Or they're never gonna learn.
Oh, like how they learned to mirror-glaze the toilet,
alphabetize the medicine cabinet,
and power-wash the tub?
I'm so proud of them.
Come on, Mom.
What?
The toilet paper was folded to a hotel point!
Jack did that?
He can't even close an envelope.
Okay, fine, you got me.
We're just gonna have to start
letting them do things for themselves. Ugh.
It's just it's so much easier and better when I do it.
I know.
I still wipe Jack.
Yeah.
Bonjour. Is this Rite Aid?
Yeah, I'd like to check on a couple of items if I could.
Uh, I'm looking for absinthe, valerian root, and...
Oh, oh, what is your featured crepe batter?
I wiped him till he was 10.
011, country code 33...
Wait, are you... are you writing this down?
Hello. Hello. Hmm.
Mom, this place is awesome.
- Aah! - Hi, guys.
Hi, Dr. Aziz.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
How you doing, Dre?
I'm all right, Doc. How are you?
- Good. Thank you. - Question.
Is this, uh, poster to scale?
And if so, do you have a picture of the face?
- What? - Son.
- Junior. - What?
Don't worry. I will not bring them next time.
All right, so, are you ready to hear your baby's heart beat?
- Let's do it, let's do it. - Oh, let's hear it. Uh-huh.
Yay! You guys excited?
- Yes. - Yes.
- Yay! - What's that?
It's just jelly.
She gonna grease your whole gut, baby.
Look at her.
Hm?
I think your baby's playing hide-and-seek with us.
- Oh. - Oh.
Uh, Bow, would you mind turning over to your side?
Sure.
That good?
Yes, perfect, thank you.
My God.
There it is.
Yay!
Oh, wow, that's a strong one. Do you hear it?
Oh, thank you, God.
What did you just say?
- Baby, did you... - Leave it alone. Leave it alone.
- Okay. - Leave it alone.
Dear God, thank you for having my back
when I need you
and not holding it against me when I lost you for a second.
I am...
ashamed and ask for your forgiveness,
even though it is a very natural act that hurts no one.
And I hope...
the monster who invented shoelaces
never gets into your Velcro heaven.
I'm not...
asking for you to kill Jack,
but I do want my own room.
So if that's how it has to be, then I...
am so grateful that everything's okay.
Just don't let this baby be the one
that gives me stretch marks.
Also, please...
restore the wi-fi to Davis' Courtyard by Marriott.
I will yell from the hilltops!
Thank God that weirdo stopped following me
on Instagram, because...
Synced and corrected by Octavia - www.addic7ed.com -