1 00:00:01,540 --> 00:00:02,472 Christmas... 2 00:00:02,592 --> 00:00:04,486 The most wonderful time of the year 3 00:00:04,606 --> 00:00:06,573 A time for tree trimming, 4 00:00:06,608 --> 00:00:08,908 roaring fires, Christmas Carols, 5 00:00:08,977 --> 00:00:11,878 but most important, a time to be with the ones you love. 6 00:00:11,980 --> 00:00:13,613 - But some would argue - _ 7 00:00:13,682 --> 00:00:15,682 it's become overly commercialized, 8 00:00:15,817 --> 00:00:17,183 that it's all about stuff. 9 00:00:17,252 --> 00:00:19,119 To these people, I would say... 10 00:00:19,221 --> 00:00:19,853 "duh!" 11 00:00:22,157 --> 00:00:24,457 Let go of me! Ow! 12 00:00:24,559 --> 00:00:27,127 In fact, no one loves stuff more than me... 13 00:00:27,195 --> 00:00:28,962 Oh, here we go. Here we go. 14 00:00:29,064 --> 00:00:30,897 Except for these four. 15 00:00:32,801 --> 00:00:34,834 In my house, Christmas morning has become 16 00:00:34,903 --> 00:00:36,636 like a competitive eating contest. 17 00:00:36,705 --> 00:00:38,671 It is running neck and neck. 18 00:00:38,740 --> 00:00:40,807 Unbelievable... 11 hot dogs after just a minute. 19 00:00:41,910 --> 00:00:43,376 Give me something else to open! 20 00:00:43,478 --> 00:00:45,345 - I need it now! - Stockings! 21 00:00:45,447 --> 00:00:47,013 Go! 22 00:00:48,917 --> 00:00:51,017 Which is why it didn't come as a total surprise 23 00:00:51,086 --> 00:00:52,385 to hear pop say... 24 00:00:52,487 --> 00:00:54,687 Whoa. Ah. 25 00:00:54,756 --> 00:00:57,190 As usual, dummy, you've overdone it... 26 00:00:57,259 --> 00:00:59,792 took something beautiful and turned it into crap. 27 00:00:59,895 --> 00:01:01,494 I'm taking over Christmas. 28 00:01:01,563 --> 00:01:03,429 Santa's got a brand-new bag. 29 00:01:03,532 --> 00:01:06,566 Synced and corrected by OussLP - www.addic7ed.com 30 00:01:08,537 --> 00:01:11,271 son, your black ass has completely bought into 31 00:01:11,339 --> 00:01:13,239 this white-Christmas nonsense. 32 00:01:13,341 --> 00:01:14,340 Mm-hmm. 33 00:01:14,409 --> 00:01:15,808 Buy them damn kids anything they ask for. 34 00:01:15,911 --> 00:01:17,944 Hell, you even buy 'em things they don't ask for! 35 00:01:18,046 --> 00:01:19,445 It's too much, son. 36 00:01:19,548 --> 00:01:21,915 Oh, so, they should just be disappointed 37 00:01:22,017 --> 00:01:23,550 and wake up to nothing... like I did. 38 00:01:23,652 --> 00:01:24,717 Unh-unh-unh! 39 00:01:24,819 --> 00:01:27,787 There was always something for you under the tree. 40 00:01:29,096 --> 00:01:31,663 It's heavy! 41 00:01:36,137 --> 00:01:37,236 It's pickles. 42 00:01:37,338 --> 00:01:38,871 Boy, you know you love pickles! 43 00:01:38,973 --> 00:01:40,305 Not for Christmas, I don't! 44 00:01:40,408 --> 00:01:41,373 Well, you ate 'em like you loved 'em. 45 00:01:41,475 --> 00:01:43,075 - You do love pickles, babe. - Bow! 46 00:01:43,177 --> 00:01:44,476 Y'all talking about how my baby love pickles? 47 00:01:44,578 --> 00:01:45,677 - Mama, we are not... - Mm-hmm. 48 00:01:45,780 --> 00:01:47,746 Can we stop talking about pickles, please?! 49 00:01:47,815 --> 00:01:49,481 Fine! You the one that loved 'em so much. 50 00:01:49,583 --> 00:01:51,150 The point is, you've rotted your children 51 00:01:51,252 --> 00:01:53,352 from the inside out with all the stuff you've given 'em. 52 00:01:53,454 --> 00:01:55,053 You've lost the true meaning of Christmas. 53 00:01:55,156 --> 00:01:58,157 Which is Jesus! He is the reason for the season. 54 00:01:58,259 --> 00:02:00,292 Well, I was going to say, listening to Donny Hathaway 55 00:02:00,394 --> 00:02:02,561 and sipping on Cutty Sark till you're out of Cutty Sark. 56 00:02:02,663 --> 00:02:04,463 Either way, your generation has ruined it 57 00:02:04,532 --> 00:02:06,899 with too... Much... Stuff. 58 00:02:07,001 --> 00:02:08,967 Yeah, too... Much... Stuff. 59 00:02:09,069 --> 00:02:11,036 Oh, so, it's our fault? 60 00:02:11,138 --> 00:02:14,106 Oh, hey, mama, uh, what did the three wise men 61 00:02:14,208 --> 00:02:15,808 bring baby Jesus in his manger? 62 00:02:15,910 --> 00:02:17,042 Hmm? 63 00:02:17,144 --> 00:02:20,012 Oh, gold, frankincense 64 00:02:20,114 --> 00:02:21,380 Speak up, mama, 'cause it sounded like 65 00:02:21,482 --> 00:02:24,216 you said stuff, which I never got. 66 00:02:24,318 --> 00:02:25,951 Wait a minute. H-h-hold on. 67 00:02:26,053 --> 00:02:30,055 Did you rise from the dead and provide man with salvation? 68 00:02:30,124 --> 00:02:31,457 Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. 69 00:02:31,559 --> 00:02:32,891 Well, until you do that, 70 00:02:32,993 --> 00:02:35,727 you thank God for those pickles. 71 00:02:35,830 --> 00:02:36,995 Amen. 72 00:02:37,097 --> 00:02:38,530 You know, maybe Ruby and pops are right, though. 73 00:02:38,632 --> 00:02:40,032 - What? - When I was growing up, 74 00:02:40,134 --> 00:02:42,000 we used to have to make our own gifts. 75 00:02:42,102 --> 00:02:43,602 Ooh, that sounds terrible. 76 00:02:43,704 --> 00:02:45,537 Yeah, stay in your lane, Rainbow. 77 00:02:45,639 --> 00:02:47,272 No, I'm agreeing with you. 78 00:02:47,374 --> 00:02:49,741 Okay, all I'm saying is that we could live 79 00:02:49,844 --> 00:02:51,577 with a little less stuff in our lives. 80 00:02:51,679 --> 00:02:53,579 See that? Even your own wife agrees with me. 81 00:02:53,681 --> 00:02:54,847 Okay. 82 00:02:54,949 --> 00:02:56,248 So, you're saying I should return 83 00:02:56,350 --> 00:02:58,917 that Cartier Juste Un Clou bracelet that I bought you. 84 00:02:58,986 --> 00:03:00,986 The kids, Dre. The kids can live on less. 85 00:03:01,088 --> 00:03:02,888 - We're adults. - Oh, just for the babies. 86 00:03:02,957 --> 00:03:05,023 Now, did you say "bracelet" or "bracelets"? 87 00:03:05,125 --> 00:03:06,725 'Cause, you know, the whole stacking thing 88 00:03:06,827 --> 00:03:07,893 is trending right now. 89 00:03:07,995 --> 00:03:10,395 So it's best if you have two or like three. 90 00:03:10,498 --> 00:03:11,663 Four really sells it. 91 00:03:11,765 --> 00:03:14,399 All I know is that I love the look on my kids' faces 92 00:03:14,502 --> 00:03:16,134 when I give them the perfect gift. 93 00:03:16,237 --> 00:03:18,036 Junior! Come here, Junior. Watch this. 94 00:03:18,138 --> 00:03:20,639 Will you tell pops how much you love the skateboard 95 00:03:20,741 --> 00:03:22,140 I got you last Christmas. 96 00:03:22,243 --> 00:03:24,443 Oh, I traded that for a pizza. 97 00:03:24,545 --> 00:03:25,911 Get out. 98 00:03:26,013 --> 00:03:27,479 Oh, yeah, I bet his little face 99 00:03:27,581 --> 00:03:29,014 just lit up when he ate that pizza. 100 00:03:29,116 --> 00:03:32,651 Speaking of gifts, we saw the presents around the tree. 101 00:03:32,753 --> 00:03:34,119 It felt light. 102 00:03:34,221 --> 00:03:36,388 Real light, like practice-run light. 103 00:03:36,490 --> 00:03:38,790 It's Christmas. We got to play to win! 104 00:03:38,893 --> 00:03:41,326 Doing a bang-up job there, son. 105 00:03:41,428 --> 00:03:44,229 As much as I hate to admit it, pops was right. 106 00:03:44,331 --> 00:03:46,131 My kids were monsters, 107 00:03:46,233 --> 00:03:48,700 who were about to get a lot less stuff. 108 00:03:48,802 --> 00:03:51,169 So, these gifts that you were going to get 109 00:03:51,272 --> 00:03:52,337 are going in my trunk. 110 00:03:52,439 --> 00:03:55,407 And from now on, you get one gift. 111 00:03:55,476 --> 00:03:56,575 - Dear God! - Just kill me! 112 00:03:56,677 --> 00:03:57,809 Aw! You broke my heart. 113 00:03:57,912 --> 00:04:00,212 Wait. One gift for all of us to share? 114 00:04:00,281 --> 00:04:02,114 Now, that is an interesting idea. 115 00:04:02,216 --> 00:04:03,215 Shut up! 116 00:04:03,284 --> 00:04:04,716 What is wrong with you?! 117 00:04:04,818 --> 00:04:06,118 I'm just asking for clarity. 118 00:04:06,186 --> 00:04:08,287 No, you each get one gift. 119 00:04:08,355 --> 00:04:10,222 And I'm suggesting something useful, 120 00:04:10,291 --> 00:04:13,492 like cold cuts, can of tuna, honey-baked ham. 121 00:04:13,594 --> 00:04:14,927 - My favorite. - No, no. What's going on? 122 00:04:15,029 --> 00:04:16,662 There's no sense in arguing. 123 00:04:16,764 --> 00:04:17,763 It's one gift 124 00:04:17,831 --> 00:04:20,632 and my traditional Christmas Eve dinner. 125 00:04:20,734 --> 00:04:22,234 This is your new reality. 126 00:04:22,336 --> 00:04:24,670 And in the spirit of taking less, 127 00:04:24,772 --> 00:04:27,339 we are all gonna start volunteering more. 128 00:04:27,441 --> 00:04:28,874 Huh? We're not doing that. 129 00:04:28,976 --> 00:04:32,177 There you go again... swerving out of your lane. 130 00:04:32,279 --> 00:04:34,379 Dre, come on. I backed up your one-gift idea. 131 00:04:34,481 --> 00:04:37,316 Yeah, because my idea was a good one. 132 00:04:37,418 --> 00:04:38,951 Bow, come to me with these half-baked ideas 133 00:04:39,053 --> 00:04:41,119 so I don't have to shoot you down in front of the children. 134 00:04:41,221 --> 00:04:43,221 - But you... - They lose respect for you. 135 00:04:43,290 --> 00:04:44,389 He's not wrong. 136 00:04:44,458 --> 00:04:46,792 Well, I'm gonna volunteer because it's nice. 137 00:04:46,860 --> 00:04:48,493 Whatever. One gift. 138 00:04:48,596 --> 00:04:50,495 That idea is real. 139 00:04:50,564 --> 00:04:52,331 Can our stockings be our one gift? 140 00:04:52,366 --> 00:04:53,198 Shut up! 141 00:04:53,300 --> 00:04:54,533 What is wrong with you? 142 00:04:54,602 --> 00:04:56,969 What do you guys have against clarity?! 143 00:04:58,898 --> 00:05:01,098 One gift?! This is an outrage! 144 00:05:01,167 --> 00:05:02,966 I think I'll ask for a yo-yo. 145 00:05:03,069 --> 00:05:04,501 Is this a joke to you? 146 00:05:04,537 --> 00:05:05,536 Think bigger! 147 00:05:05,671 --> 00:05:08,238 But not too big. Dad said no to a Tesla. 148 00:05:08,340 --> 00:05:09,773 Okay, so, we're looking at something 149 00:05:09,842 --> 00:05:11,341 between yo-yo and Tesla. 150 00:05:11,410 --> 00:05:13,377 So, that's, like, a Passat? 151 00:05:13,446 --> 00:05:14,478 Ugh. 152 00:05:14,547 --> 00:05:15,946 Uh, you guys are playing this all wrong. 153 00:05:16,015 --> 00:05:18,048 If we're extra good, they'll cave. 154 00:05:18,150 --> 00:05:19,116 They're cavers. 155 00:05:19,151 --> 00:05:20,884 We just have to play to our strengths. 156 00:05:20,953 --> 00:05:23,987 Zoey, Jack, you'll be kind. 157 00:05:24,090 --> 00:05:25,255 I'll be helpful. 158 00:05:25,324 --> 00:05:27,524 And, Junior... 159 00:05:28,848 --> 00:05:30,348 You'll disappear. 160 00:05:30,417 --> 00:05:31,149 Huh? 161 00:05:31,251 --> 00:05:33,051 Uh, trust me on this. 162 00:05:33,119 --> 00:05:35,119 Absence makes the heart grow fonder. 163 00:05:35,188 --> 00:05:37,488 She's right. Less of you is more. 164 00:05:37,557 --> 00:05:39,724 I-I'm not sure about this. 165 00:05:39,826 --> 00:05:40,958 Well, you better get sure 166 00:05:41,061 --> 00:05:43,027 because you're this close to waking up 167 00:05:43,096 --> 00:05:45,063 to a stocking full of Turkey pastrami. 168 00:05:45,131 --> 00:05:47,999 Say no more. I bid you adieu. 169 00:05:48,101 --> 00:05:50,201 Mm. That was a great call. 170 00:05:50,303 --> 00:05:51,703 Felt right. 171 00:05:51,771 --> 00:05:54,272 So, I went to work knowing I was doing the right thing 172 00:05:54,341 --> 00:05:55,606 for my kids, 173 00:05:55,709 --> 00:05:58,309 but my co-workers didn't like the one-gift idea. 174 00:05:58,411 --> 00:05:59,644 You cheap bastard. 175 00:05:59,713 --> 00:06:00,812 No, no, no. 176 00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:03,848 It's because Christmas is about more than stuff. 177 00:06:03,950 --> 00:06:05,083 Wait, what? 178 00:06:05,151 --> 00:06:08,953 Why would you... oh, it's a fear campaign. 179 00:06:09,022 --> 00:06:11,889 Imagine a world not about stuff. 180 00:06:11,958 --> 00:06:15,660 You're creating a panic and offering a solution... genius! 181 00:06:15,762 --> 00:06:16,894 What? 182 00:06:16,963 --> 00:06:18,429 It's kind of like when the saline companies and I 183 00:06:18,498 --> 00:06:21,499 created the flu vaccine giving people the flu 184 00:06:21,568 --> 00:06:24,302 in order to combat the flu... hilarious! 185 00:06:24,371 --> 00:06:26,337 And when you lost that account and created 186 00:06:26,406 --> 00:06:30,141 the "vaccines cause autism" campaign... very strong! 187 00:06:30,210 --> 00:06:31,109 - Aww, stop it. - Yes. 188 00:06:31,211 --> 00:06:32,443 Oh, God. 189 00:06:32,545 --> 00:06:35,179 Stuff makes the world go 'round, Dre, especially our world. 190 00:06:35,281 --> 00:06:36,581 - We're ad men. - Mm. 191 00:06:36,683 --> 00:06:38,483 - And women. - Amen, sister. 192 00:06:38,551 --> 00:06:40,985 Do I seem like someone you should be that comfortable with? 193 00:06:41,054 --> 00:06:44,655 Okay, g-guys, look, look, I'm trying to start a new tradition. 194 00:06:44,724 --> 00:06:46,591 - Ah, traditions. - Mm-hmm. 195 00:06:46,693 --> 00:06:49,560 Yeah, Phillip took all of ours in the divorce. 196 00:06:49,662 --> 00:06:52,630 Holidays are the hardest times... that... 197 00:06:52,665 --> 00:06:55,032 Gut-wrenching loneliness... 198 00:06:55,135 --> 00:06:56,934 Sadness... 199 00:06:57,003 --> 00:06:59,404 Settling like fresh fallen snow. 200 00:06:59,472 --> 00:07:01,739 No snow plow coming for me. 201 00:07:01,841 --> 00:07:04,175 Just cold... 202 00:07:04,277 --> 00:07:06,043 Frozen. 203 00:07:06,146 --> 00:07:07,145 Winter's a-coming! 204 00:07:07,213 --> 00:07:08,746 Okay, o-okay, D-Daphne, Daphne. 205 00:07:08,815 --> 00:07:11,783 Okay, look, would you like to come have dinner with us? 206 00:07:11,885 --> 00:07:14,218 What? I don't need your damn pity invite. 207 00:07:14,287 --> 00:07:16,187 And no matter what, I know my Christmas 208 00:07:16,289 --> 00:07:17,822 is gonna be better than Lucy's. 209 00:07:17,891 --> 00:07:19,323 W-what, because I'm Jewish? 210 00:07:19,359 --> 00:07:20,658 No, because you're boring. 211 00:07:20,693 --> 00:07:22,160 I didn't know you were Jewish. 212 00:07:22,228 --> 00:07:24,695 Ha! You are growing on me. 213 00:07:30,666 --> 00:07:32,266 So! 214 00:07:33,269 --> 00:07:37,204 Lady Diana, how's that volunteering going? 215 00:07:37,273 --> 00:07:38,806 Just because I'm not volunteering 216 00:07:38,908 --> 00:07:41,475 every second of the day doesn't mean I'm not volunteering. 217 00:07:41,544 --> 00:07:43,844 Did you even sign up? 218 00:07:43,946 --> 00:07:44,845 Yes. 219 00:07:44,914 --> 00:07:46,447 Did you pass the background check? 220 00:07:46,549 --> 00:07:47,381 Yes, of course. 221 00:07:47,450 --> 00:07:48,782 They don't run one! 222 00:07:48,884 --> 00:07:49,950 Charlatan. 223 00:07:50,052 --> 00:07:51,552 - I... - Eh! 224 00:07:51,654 --> 00:07:53,454 Eh-eh. 225 00:07:53,556 --> 00:07:55,122 This whole thing started 226 00:07:55,224 --> 00:07:57,157 because pops convinced Bow and me 227 00:07:57,226 --> 00:08:00,094 we needed to teach our bratty kids a lesson, 228 00:08:00,129 --> 00:08:02,830 but looking around, we didn't see any bratty kids. 229 00:08:05,901 --> 00:08:07,067 Boop! 230 00:08:23,621 --> 00:08:24,055 - Hey, babe? - Yeah. 231 00:08:24,239 --> 00:08:27,106 Have you seen the adorableness of our children? 232 00:08:27,175 --> 00:08:29,909 Jack has frosting on his nose. 233 00:08:30,011 --> 00:08:31,544 Shut up. 234 00:08:32,682 --> 00:08:34,482 - My God. - Where's Junior? 235 00:08:34,584 --> 00:08:35,750 I haven't seen him in a while. 236 00:08:35,819 --> 00:08:36,784 Me either. Gosh... 237 00:08:36,853 --> 00:08:38,720 I don't remember the last time I saw him. 238 00:08:38,822 --> 00:08:39,754 It feels like forever. 239 00:08:39,856 --> 00:08:41,055 Kind of miss the little fella. 240 00:08:41,157 --> 00:08:42,690 - I know, right? - Mm. 241 00:08:42,759 --> 00:08:45,426 Oh, God, his smile can really light up a room. 242 00:08:45,462 --> 00:08:46,894 - Aww. - It's like bing! 243 00:08:46,996 --> 00:08:48,296 Little curly-head sucker. 244 00:08:48,398 --> 00:08:49,731 Let's go. 245 00:08:53,036 --> 00:08:56,104 And then carry over the two, and... 246 00:08:56,206 --> 00:08:58,806 Oh. Hey. 247 00:08:58,908 --> 00:09:00,641 Hello, mama, papa. 248 00:09:00,744 --> 00:09:03,544 Oh, my God. You... you guys are so... 249 00:09:03,580 --> 00:09:05,713 maybe we should reconsider. 250 00:09:05,815 --> 00:09:07,515 Nope! Don't fall for it. 251 00:09:07,617 --> 00:09:08,783 They're trying to trick you 252 00:09:08,852 --> 00:09:10,451 into forgetting what monsters they are. 253 00:09:10,553 --> 00:09:14,188 Old-school Christmas one gift. 254 00:09:20,073 --> 00:09:21,506 You can come out now. 255 00:09:21,575 --> 00:09:24,242 Any chance at a real Christmas is over. 256 00:09:24,344 --> 00:09:28,146 Might as well make our lists. Our sad, one-gift lists. 257 00:09:28,215 --> 00:09:31,282 I'm not coming out. Never say die! 258 00:09:38,425 --> 00:09:39,791 Ugh. 259 00:09:41,094 --> 00:09:42,093 Ugh! 260 00:09:43,897 --> 00:09:46,231 Okay. Hey, Bow, what are you doing? 261 00:09:46,333 --> 00:09:48,032 It's 5:30. We haven't even had dinner yet. 262 00:09:48,134 --> 00:09:49,901 Yes, I know, but I need to go to sleep 263 00:09:50,003 --> 00:09:51,669 so that I can wake up at 3:00 A.M. 264 00:09:51,738 --> 00:09:53,238 To get to the homeless shelter. 265 00:09:53,340 --> 00:09:55,306 Doesn't matter anyway. 266 00:09:55,408 --> 00:09:56,741 I'm not gonna be able to sleep 267 00:09:56,810 --> 00:09:59,210 'cause all I'm thinking about is this whole one-gift thing. 268 00:09:59,312 --> 00:10:00,512 Uh... 269 00:10:00,547 --> 00:10:02,247 Have you seen their Christmas lists? 270 00:10:03,016 --> 00:10:04,182 "Wizard cape. 271 00:10:04,251 --> 00:10:07,452 Would prefer standard, but waist-length is okay." 272 00:10:08,588 --> 00:10:10,855 Oh, my God. This is so sad. 273 00:10:10,924 --> 00:10:12,490 I know. 274 00:10:12,559 --> 00:10:14,259 - Jack wants "Kold Kuts". - I know. 275 00:10:14,361 --> 00:10:16,394 - With two K's! - Uh, yeah. 276 00:10:16,463 --> 00:10:17,929 Dre, do you think we were too harsh 277 00:10:17,998 --> 00:10:19,330 with the kids with the presents? 278 00:10:19,466 --> 00:10:21,332 - Maybe. - Mm. 279 00:10:21,401 --> 00:10:23,601 Look, I don't want my kids waking up on Christmas 280 00:10:23,670 --> 00:10:24,903 disappointed like I did. 281 00:10:25,005 --> 00:10:28,406 Every year, I told pops I wanted Clay-colored Riedell Skates, 282 00:10:28,475 --> 00:10:31,743 and every year, he gave me food from the fridge. 283 00:10:31,811 --> 00:10:35,346 - Mm-hmm. - I had to borrow my cousin's plastic skates. 284 00:10:35,415 --> 00:10:37,916 I couldn't go two feet without falling. 285 00:10:37,951 --> 00:10:40,785 I was high-stepping like a clydesdale. 286 00:10:40,887 --> 00:10:44,389 No one wanted me on their skate crew. 287 00:10:44,457 --> 00:10:48,126 My poor, little crewless Clydesdale. 288 00:10:50,694 --> 00:10:52,293 Dre? 289 00:10:51,083 --> 00:10:52,115 Hmm? 290 00:10:52,184 --> 00:10:53,917 Do you think maybe... 291 00:10:54,019 --> 00:10:56,352 Maybe we could get the kids just, like, a few more gifts... 292 00:10:56,421 --> 00:10:57,921 not as many as we were gonna get 'em, 293 00:10:57,989 --> 00:10:59,622 but just, like, you know, more than one. 294 00:10:59,725 --> 00:11:01,424 And maybe some extra for Junior. 295 00:11:02,427 --> 00:11:05,228 He was my favorite. 296 00:11:08,366 --> 00:11:10,400 Uh, what happened to "never say die!"? 297 00:11:10,502 --> 00:11:13,303 I got bit by a relentless, orange spider. 298 00:11:13,371 --> 00:11:15,371 I may actually die. 299 00:11:15,474 --> 00:11:16,372 Hey, kids, listen up. 300 00:11:16,475 --> 00:11:17,674 Junior! 301 00:11:17,776 --> 00:11:19,976 Oh, my goodness. Where have you been?! 302 00:11:20,078 --> 00:11:22,078 Sweetheart, did you get taller?! 303 00:11:22,180 --> 00:11:23,880 Son, come here, come here! 304 00:11:23,982 --> 00:11:26,282 Oh, my God. I missed you, little buddy! 305 00:11:26,384 --> 00:11:27,283 How are you?! 306 00:11:27,385 --> 00:11:29,185 Not so good. I got bit by a poisonous... 307 00:11:29,287 --> 00:11:30,286 okay, not now. Not now. 308 00:11:30,388 --> 00:11:31,387 I have something important to say. 309 00:11:31,490 --> 00:11:32,856 Okay. Kids... 310 00:11:32,958 --> 00:11:34,624 We're bringing Christmas back. 311 00:11:35,694 --> 00:11:37,026 - Ah, shh, shh! - Shhhh! 312 00:11:37,129 --> 00:11:38,461 Secretly. 313 00:11:38,530 --> 00:11:40,096 Nobody tell pops. 314 00:11:40,198 --> 00:11:41,364 Okay. 315 00:11:42,501 --> 00:11:44,834 Please help me. 316 00:11:44,936 --> 00:11:46,436 So cold. 317 00:11:46,538 --> 00:11:49,672 Insides turning to jelly! 318 00:11:49,775 --> 00:11:51,374 Oh! 319 00:11:53,151 --> 00:11:55,461 I was having lunch with my colleagues the next day 320 00:11:55,581 --> 00:11:57,992 when Bow made an unexpected appearance. 321 00:11:58,094 --> 00:11:59,293 - Oh, hey, babe. - Hi. 322 00:11:59,362 --> 00:12:00,495 - Everything okay? - Well... 323 00:12:00,597 --> 00:12:02,563 you know, w-what are you doing here looking like this? 324 00:12:02,666 --> 00:12:03,798 This is my job. 325 00:12:03,900 --> 00:12:04,932 Rainbow! Wow! 326 00:12:05,001 --> 00:12:06,134 Why don't you come on in? 327 00:12:06,202 --> 00:12:07,335 - Have a seat. - Yeah, come and sit. 328 00:12:07,404 --> 00:12:10,972 This is, uh, Daphne, and this is, um 329 00:12:11,041 --> 00:12:12,106 Doesn't matter. 330 00:12:12,976 --> 00:12:14,409 Are you okay? Because you don't... 331 00:12:14,511 --> 00:12:16,110 uh, how do I say this?... Uh, look okay. 332 00:12:16,212 --> 00:12:17,512 Oh. No, no, she's fine. She's fine. 333 00:12:17,547 --> 00:12:19,147 She just volunteered today at the homeless shelter. 334 00:12:19,249 --> 00:12:20,314 - Why? - Why? 335 00:12:20,350 --> 00:12:22,150 Oh, she was obviously there scouting out organs. 336 00:12:22,185 --> 00:12:25,219 N-no. Because volunteering is nice. 337 00:12:25,321 --> 00:12:26,688 No, that makes no sense. 338 00:12:26,790 --> 00:12:29,457 Babe... why are you here? 339 00:12:29,559 --> 00:12:30,591 'Cause I thought I could come here 340 00:12:30,694 --> 00:12:31,759 and we could have lunch together. 341 00:12:31,828 --> 00:12:33,461 Oh, my God, of course! You're hungry. 342 00:12:33,563 --> 00:12:35,329 Lucy give her your lunch. 343 00:12:35,432 --> 00:12:38,700 Oh. Oh, my God! I do look awful! 344 00:12:38,768 --> 00:12:41,369 God, I was just trying to do something nice for Christmas. 345 00:12:41,438 --> 00:12:43,504 Christmas doesn't always work out the way you want. 346 00:12:43,573 --> 00:12:45,173 - Oh, my God. - If I had my way, 347 00:12:45,241 --> 00:12:46,941 Phillip and I would be popping "X" 348 00:12:47,010 --> 00:12:48,810 and rolling around in cranberry sauce 349 00:12:48,912 --> 00:12:49,877 like the old days. 350 00:12:51,266 --> 00:12:53,133 Pre-holiday divorce... that's a rookie mistake. 351 00:12:53,202 --> 00:12:55,569 Early October is when you want to file, 352 00:12:55,637 --> 00:12:57,037 especially in New Hampshire. 353 00:12:57,106 --> 00:12:59,006 The foliage around the Concord courthouse 354 00:12:59,074 --> 00:13:00,874 is absolutely fabulous. 355 00:13:00,943 --> 00:13:01,975 I'll keep that in mind 356 00:13:02,044 --> 00:13:04,578 as I'm trying to eat a 25-pound Turkey by myself. 357 00:13:04,646 --> 00:13:05,712 Wait, by yourself? 358 00:13:05,748 --> 00:13:07,114 You can't be by yourself on Christmas. 359 00:13:07,182 --> 00:13:09,049 Why don't... why don't you come over to our house? 360 00:13:09,118 --> 00:13:10,217 Babe, she's not interested. 361 00:13:10,319 --> 00:13:11,752 I most certainly am. 362 00:13:11,854 --> 00:13:12,986 Thank you, Dre's wife. 363 00:13:13,088 --> 00:13:14,488 Nobody here had the decency. 364 00:13:14,590 --> 00:13:16,523 N-n-now, h-hold up. Wait a minute. 365 00:13:16,558 --> 00:13:19,626 Daphne, I invited you Tuesday. 366 00:13:19,695 --> 00:13:23,063 Does lying make you feel like a man, Dre? 367 00:13:23,132 --> 00:13:25,132 I... 368 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:28,201 So, to get to the fun of our secret Christmas Eve, 369 00:13:28,303 --> 00:13:30,637 all we had to do was endure pops' 370 00:13:30,672 --> 00:13:32,939 old-school Christmas Eve dinner. 371 00:13:33,042 --> 00:13:34,341 All right, everybody, dig in. 372 00:13:34,410 --> 00:13:36,710 This is a Christmas Eve dinner the way God intended it... 373 00:13:36,779 --> 00:13:37,878 fresh out the box. 374 00:13:37,980 --> 00:13:39,746 Are we sure this is what God intended? 375 00:13:39,815 --> 00:13:42,749 Baby girl, everything tastes better straight out the box. 376 00:13:42,818 --> 00:13:43,950 Now, who wants a leg and a wing? 377 00:13:44,053 --> 00:13:45,285 Is it organic? 378 00:13:45,354 --> 00:13:47,721 Why aren't we having regular Christmas Eve dinner? 379 00:13:49,026 --> 00:13:50,892 Boy, if you don't hush up and eat your food... 380 00:13:50,961 --> 00:13:53,194 Okay, everybody, just eat up. There's Turkey in the hamper. 381 00:13:53,297 --> 00:13:55,163 No, no, no, baby, he's right. 382 00:13:55,232 --> 00:13:58,466 Why are we eating cold chicken out of a box? 383 00:13:58,535 --> 00:13:59,701 Excuse me? 384 00:13:59,803 --> 00:14:00,702 I want to know! 385 00:14:00,771 --> 00:14:02,570 Why are you making us do this? 386 00:14:02,673 --> 00:14:04,139 I'm not making you do this. 387 00:14:04,241 --> 00:14:05,674 We get to do this! 388 00:14:05,742 --> 00:14:07,509 I'm going to go order Sushi. 389 00:14:07,577 --> 00:14:09,544 Sit down, little girl. 390 00:14:09,613 --> 00:14:11,179 This is Christmas Eve dinner, 391 00:14:11,248 --> 00:14:13,148 and you are going to appreciate it. 392 00:14:13,250 --> 00:14:15,116 You see this mess here? 393 00:14:15,218 --> 00:14:16,284 This is "stuff" talk. 394 00:14:16,386 --> 00:14:17,319 There's stuffing? 395 00:14:17,387 --> 00:14:18,720 How does my kids wanting to have 396 00:14:18,822 --> 00:14:20,689 a decent dinner at Christmas have anything to do 397 00:14:20,791 --> 00:14:22,223 with me buying them too much stuff? 398 00:14:22,292 --> 00:14:24,259 This is what you had. You turned out all right. 399 00:14:24,294 --> 00:14:27,195 I turned out all right in spite of all of this! 400 00:14:27,197 --> 00:14:28,630 Sweetie, just ignore him 401 00:14:28,732 --> 00:14:30,265 seriously, we have the secret Christmas. 402 00:14:30,367 --> 00:14:31,599 No! You know what? 403 00:14:31,668 --> 00:14:34,502 We tried Christmas your way, and it sucks! 404 00:14:34,604 --> 00:14:35,737 Oh, you're too good now? 405 00:14:35,806 --> 00:14:37,272 Oh. You got a little money in your pocket, 406 00:14:37,307 --> 00:14:39,040 and now my traditional Christmas Eve dinner 407 00:14:39,142 --> 00:14:40,475 isn't good enough for you. 408 00:14:40,577 --> 00:14:43,144 Well, fine. Go have your Sushi. 409 00:14:43,246 --> 00:14:44,212 Thank you. 410 00:14:44,314 --> 00:14:45,947 - Yellowfin tuna? - You know it. 411 00:14:46,049 --> 00:14:47,749 It's not about Sushi, Pops. 412 00:14:47,851 --> 00:14:49,751 It's about us doing things our way, 413 00:14:49,853 --> 00:14:51,319 so we're gonna go upstairs, 414 00:14:51,421 --> 00:14:54,089 and we're gonna open up all the presents that I bought 415 00:14:54,191 --> 00:14:56,758 because I'm proud of the way that we do Christmas... 416 00:14:56,827 --> 00:14:58,760 secretly, in the closet! 417 00:14:58,862 --> 00:15:01,796 Everybody, up! Let's go open some stuff! 418 00:15:01,898 --> 00:15:03,665 Come on! Let's get our stuff on! 419 00:15:03,767 --> 00:15:05,834 Okay, Christmas! 420 00:15:07,508 --> 00:15:09,074 Whoa, babe. 421 00:15:09,143 --> 00:15:10,609 If you're upset, we don't have to do this now. 422 00:15:10,678 --> 00:15:12,611 Oh, no, no, no, no. We can wait until Christmas morning. 423 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:14,146 We're gonna do this right now. Okay, I... 424 00:15:14,181 --> 00:15:16,782 we are going to celebrate Christmas, damn it, okay?! 425 00:15:16,884 --> 00:15:18,216 - Wow. - Here's a gift. 426 00:15:18,285 --> 00:15:20,519 Here's a gift. Here's a gift. There's your gift! 427 00:15:20,621 --> 00:15:21,620 - Okay. - Stuff! 428 00:15:21,722 --> 00:15:23,055 Now, get to it! 429 00:15:23,157 --> 00:15:25,290 A merry... Christmas. 430 00:15:25,392 --> 00:15:26,625 - Mm-hmm. - Yes! 431 00:15:26,727 --> 00:15:28,593 Uh Oh. 432 00:15:28,662 --> 00:15:30,228 - A 6. - What's wrong? 433 00:15:30,331 --> 00:15:31,463 Nothing. 434 00:15:31,532 --> 00:15:34,066 Except I kind of asked for a 6s, but it's cool. 435 00:15:34,134 --> 00:15:36,101 I mean, how are you supposed to know? 436 00:15:36,170 --> 00:15:38,270 Except for the part where I wrote it down for you, but... 437 00:15:38,372 --> 00:15:40,839 I can't believe this! 438 00:15:40,908 --> 00:15:42,908 And what is wrong with you?! 439 00:15:42,977 --> 00:15:46,078 I disappeared myself for a gift card to J.Crew?! 440 00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:47,813 You took money I could use every place 441 00:15:47,915 --> 00:15:50,115 and turned it into money I could use one place. 442 00:15:50,217 --> 00:15:54,086 So... Jack has more presents than I do?! 443 00:15:54,188 --> 00:15:56,321 Okay. Shots fired. 444 00:15:56,390 --> 00:15:58,724 You're jealous of a goldfish? 445 00:15:58,826 --> 00:16:01,193 A daily chore that ends in heartbreak?! 446 00:16:01,295 --> 00:16:02,661 What is happening?! 447 00:16:02,763 --> 00:16:04,363 We're getting stuff that we don't like. 448 00:16:04,465 --> 00:16:05,964 Are you not picking up on that? 449 00:16:06,066 --> 00:16:07,065 You guys! 450 00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:08,700 I stood up for you guys! 451 00:16:08,802 --> 00:16:10,335 I went against my father 452 00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:13,238 and every tradition that I had growing up! 453 00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:15,907 For what?! For this?! 454 00:16:16,010 --> 00:16:17,242 Okay. 455 00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:19,044 So... 456 00:16:19,146 --> 00:16:21,013 Gift receipts? 457 00:16:21,115 --> 00:16:22,647 No, Diane. 458 00:16:25,900 --> 00:16:29,315 All right. I did it. 459 00:16:29,384 --> 00:16:32,418 I ruined the old-school Christmas and secret Christmas. 460 00:16:32,453 --> 00:16:35,755 Can't wait to see what you do to new year's. 461 00:16:35,823 --> 00:16:36,922 You know, I tried to blame you, 462 00:16:37,025 --> 00:16:39,759 I tried to blame the kids, but all this falls on me. 463 00:16:39,827 --> 00:16:40,960 Well... 464 00:16:41,029 --> 00:16:42,695 Nobody's disagreeing with you. 465 00:16:42,764 --> 00:16:45,264 You know, a-as fathers... 466 00:16:45,366 --> 00:16:48,768 We try to give our kids more than we had. 467 00:16:50,238 --> 00:16:52,104 Sometimes that just isn't the best thing. 468 00:17:02,850 --> 00:17:05,051 So, Christmas morning was bright and sunny outside, 469 00:17:05,119 --> 00:17:06,786 but not inside. 470 00:17:06,854 --> 00:17:08,688 Do you think we'll still get stockings? 471 00:17:08,756 --> 00:17:10,222 What is wrong with you? 472 00:17:10,291 --> 00:17:12,958 For some weird reason, dad's boss is here. 473 00:17:13,957 --> 00:17:14,856 Did she bring presents? 474 00:17:14,925 --> 00:17:16,358 - She did not. - Well, hi! Hello! 475 00:17:16,460 --> 00:17:18,159 Oh, my goodness. So nice you came! 476 00:17:18,228 --> 00:17:20,362 Dre will be right back, 477 00:17:20,430 --> 00:17:23,231 but, please, uh, join our, um, our chr... our Christmas. 478 00:17:23,333 --> 00:17:26,368 Wow, uh, thank you for inviting me 479 00:17:26,436 --> 00:17:30,005 to this wonderfully festive and heartwarming environment. 480 00:17:30,073 --> 00:17:32,474 D-do the kids not have presents? 481 00:17:32,576 --> 00:17:34,276 Our dad threw them away before we woke up. 482 00:17:36,380 --> 00:17:39,247 Ha! That sounds so much worse than it is. 483 00:17:39,316 --> 00:17:40,482 Well, here's what happened. 484 00:17:40,550 --> 00:17:42,517 So, Dre had a screaming match with his dad 485 00:17:42,552 --> 00:17:44,085 over the fried Christmas chicken, 486 00:17:44,187 --> 00:17:46,554 and then we went upstairs to have our secret Christmas 487 00:17:46,623 --> 00:17:48,323 in the closet and our hamper Turkey, 488 00:17:48,425 --> 00:17:50,191 and Dre had already thrown his dirty underwear 489 00:17:50,260 --> 00:17:51,393 On top of the Turkey, so... 490 00:17:51,495 --> 00:17:52,827 And then the goldfish died. 491 00:17:52,929 --> 00:17:54,329 She did?! 492 00:17:54,898 --> 00:17:58,266 Ooh. A-anyway, um, we're all just trying to, you know, 493 00:17:58,368 --> 00:18:00,702 rally and have a nice... 494 00:18:00,804 --> 00:18:01,803 Normal Christmas. 495 00:18:01,905 --> 00:18:04,806 Happy Birthday 496 00:18:04,908 --> 00:18:06,374 Black Jesus 497 00:18:06,476 --> 00:18:07,742 - Black Jesus? - Happy Birthday 498 00:18:07,811 --> 00:18:09,511 - Black Jesus - Yes, she... calls him that. 499 00:18:09,579 --> 00:18:13,281 Happy Birthday, dear redeemer king 500 00:18:13,383 --> 00:18:15,950 Happy Birthday to you 501 00:18:18,952 --> 00:18:21,052 You know, I'm just gonna go grab Chinese 502 00:18:21,121 --> 00:18:23,121 - with the sad Jewish girl from work. - Oh. 503 00:18:23,190 --> 00:18:25,356 For he's a jolly good savior 504 00:18:25,425 --> 00:18:26,991 - For he's a jolly good savior - please, uh, Dre will be so sad he missed you. 505 00:18:27,094 --> 00:18:29,160 - For he's a jolly good savior - I'll walk... why are you running? 506 00:18:29,262 --> 00:18:30,695 Who nobody can renounce 507 00:18:30,764 --> 00:18:32,797 Come on! who nobody can renounce 508 00:18:32,866 --> 00:18:34,666 Who nobody can renounce 509 00:18:34,734 --> 00:18:36,301 For he's... 510 00:18:36,369 --> 00:18:38,336 All right, Pops, what's up? 511 00:18:40,507 --> 00:18:42,207 I hate church's chicken. 512 00:18:42,275 --> 00:18:44,075 What? 513 00:18:44,111 --> 00:18:46,211 Don't get me wrong. It's chicken. 514 00:18:46,313 --> 00:18:49,614 It's fried in delicious batter, but I hate it. 515 00:18:49,716 --> 00:18:51,883 Then why did you talk it up every year 516 00:18:51,985 --> 00:18:54,085 and make it our Christmas tradition? 517 00:18:54,154 --> 00:18:55,787 Because it was the best I could do, 518 00:18:55,856 --> 00:18:57,055 and I was so embarrassed, 519 00:18:57,157 --> 00:18:59,858 I tried to sell it as the best that ever was. 520 00:19:01,128 --> 00:19:03,061 Pops, you just could've said so. 521 00:19:03,096 --> 00:19:04,596 And what's that conversation look like? 522 00:19:04,664 --> 00:19:07,065 "Listen, son, I work a minimum-wage job, 523 00:19:07,167 --> 00:19:08,666 and I can barely keep the lights on. 524 00:19:08,735 --> 00:19:11,870 So, here are some pickles. Merry Christmas." 525 00:19:11,938 --> 00:19:15,273 Well, maybe not exactly in those words. 526 00:19:15,342 --> 00:19:17,375 I-I see what you're trying to do for your kids, 527 00:19:17,477 --> 00:19:18,409 and I respect it. 528 00:19:18,478 --> 00:19:20,178 I just think you're trying to do too much. 529 00:19:20,247 --> 00:19:21,880 Now, maybe I went a little overboard 530 00:19:21,948 --> 00:19:23,414 - with the old-school Christmas... - Mm-hmm. 531 00:19:23,450 --> 00:19:25,950 But your new-school Christmas ain't exactly working, either. 532 00:19:28,355 --> 00:19:29,954 Well, there's always Kwanzaa. 533 00:19:30,023 --> 00:19:31,623 Boy, you ain't got no sense. 534 00:19:32,826 --> 00:19:36,094 But look here. You're a decent dad. 535 00:19:38,265 --> 00:19:40,598 Merry Christmas. 536 00:19:40,667 --> 00:19:42,333 But I didn't get you anything. 537 00:19:42,435 --> 00:19:44,202 Yes, you did. 538 00:19:47,274 --> 00:19:49,908 You know, this... this feels pickle-heavy. 539 00:19:49,943 --> 00:19:51,309 Boy, if you don't open that gift... 540 00:19:51,411 --> 00:19:54,112 I'm gonna open your head. 541 00:19:55,348 --> 00:19:58,516 Huh? 542 00:20:01,370 --> 00:20:03,003 My skates?! 543 00:20:03,072 --> 00:20:05,105 And this here is your crew. 544 00:20:12,314 --> 00:20:15,048 Thanks, Pops. 545 00:20:15,150 --> 00:20:17,985 Dad, we're sorry we were monsters. 546 00:20:18,020 --> 00:20:20,487 You make it feel like Christmas every day... 547 00:20:20,556 --> 00:20:22,789 And we're sorry that we don't show you that. 548 00:20:22,858 --> 00:20:24,858 I'm also just grateful to be alive. 549 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:27,728 I love my goldfish, daddy. 550 00:20:27,796 --> 00:20:29,062 God rest her soul. 551 00:20:29,131 --> 00:20:31,164 Look, I'm not saying you should give me less, but... 552 00:20:31,233 --> 00:20:34,901 I'll try to start appreciating it more. 553 00:20:34,970 --> 00:20:37,504 Try... no promises. 554 00:20:37,606 --> 00:20:40,807 Well, it's no "God bless us, everyone"... 555 00:20:40,909 --> 00:20:42,576 But I'll take it. 556 00:20:42,678 --> 00:20:44,478 Come on, give me some love. 557 00:20:44,546 --> 00:20:45,545 Give me some love. 558 00:20:47,816 --> 00:20:49,716 - Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas. 559 00:20:55,568 --> 00:20:57,370 AlI right, I think I'm getting the hang of this. 560 00:20:57,490 --> 00:21:00,219 Whoo! It's all right. 561 00:21:00,254 --> 00:21:01,861 Why would you ask for a pair of skates 562 00:21:01,981 --> 00:21:03,322 if you never learned how to skate?! 563 00:21:04,458 --> 00:21:06,325 Okay, Bow, can you help me?! 564 00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:07,426 Listen to 'em jingle. 565 00:21:07,461 --> 00:21:09,161 Jangle, jingle! 566 00:21:09,196 --> 00:21:12,231 Baby Jesus has leftovers! Who wants cake?! 567 00:21:12,266 --> 00:21:13,532 Me! Me! Me! Me! 568 00:21:13,567 --> 00:21:15,667 Aah! Aah! 569 00:21:15,703 --> 00:21:17,536 Okay, save me some cake! 570 00:21:17,571 --> 00:21:19,905 Ow! Ooh!