Ever since I was a kid,
I've always loved Halloween.
Trick or treat!
Aww, look. A tin man!
But I'm silver surfer.
Was in the choir at church.
I could steal money from my mom's purse for a bus pass
to get to the best candy.
Yeah, I ain't gonna never get no afro.
I don't believe in all that!
Now I live in one of those "good candy" neighborhoods.
It's a Halloween hotspot,
Kids come from all over the city to trick-or-treat,
Some of these kids include my own nieces and nephews,
who come up from the hood to hang with us on Halloween.
And they have their own tradition...
roughing up my soft-ass kids.
No, no!
- Oh, hey, hey, hey! - My candy!
And I let this happen, 'cause it's good for my kids.
Ow!
No, not my calligraphy hand!
Synced and corrected by OussLP - www.addic7ed.com
- Dre? - In here!
Hey! Oh, there you are.
Oh, my.
Hello, Mr. president.
Okay, Dre,
inauguration Michelle or "Teen Choice" Michelle?
- Eh. - Oh, fine.
- Just classic Michelle? - That's it.
All right.
Mm-mm-mmm! Tsh!
I see Satan's fast at work on this house.
Mama, please, all right?
We don't need to hear how evil Halloween is.
Actually, I was referring to the dinner in the oven.
I didn't know if you were cooking lasagna
No disrespect.
Again, and hopefully for the last time,
just because you say "no disrespect"
doesn't make it any less disrespectful.
Point taken. I'm sorry.
I just think that celebrating this pagan holiday
makes you awful parents.
- But... - No offense.
Ooh. Yeah.
I have lost the first dog, but I have eyes on POTUS.
You know, we really need to come up
with a proper nickname for you, Prez.
And I'm really gonna need you
to give me some space from you, weirdo.
You've been following me around all week.
It is my honor and privilege to guard you, sir.
What?
I don't judge you
for your frequent bathroom visits.
Even number one has to go number two.
I like that.
Boom!
- I can't wait for your cousins to beat your ass. - No.
- What? - Junior, I would really appreciate it
if you and your cousins would refrain from roughhousing.
Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Don't listen to her, all right?
Roughhousing is a normal, necessary part
of growing up, all right?
Me and my cousin June Bug, we went at it all the time.
- June Bug? - Mm-hmm.
Sounds stereotypical.
No, no, no, no, no, no. He's not a stereotype.
You know, just a big, aggressive guy
from a bad neighborhood with a stomach tattoo.
You know, went to jail a couple of times.
Uh, anyway, it's what prepared me for the real world.
Without it, I wouldn't be the street-smart,
tough, strong, educated gangster...
Whoo! A ring pop!
Ha ha ha! Mmm.
POTUS is exiting.
Happy Halloween, Johnsons!
Ohh, I see we're both going as doctors this year.
Oh, no, Janine. I really am a doctor.
Way to stay in character.
Uh, paging "Dr. Rainbow."
Can you imagine?
Anyhoo, last year,
some of the visiting trick-or-treaters
got a little more turnt up than some of us are used to.
- Mm-hmm. - So, this year,
we're hiring a safety ambassador for the evening.
A safety ambassador? You mean like a cop?
Yeah.
Well, sort of.
He doesn't have the legal power
to arrest or detain anyone, but he does have a taser.
A ta... I'm sorry. What?
Oh, no, he's a... a large Samoan man.
He used to be in the XFL,
so he probably won't even have to use it.
Okay, well, that sounds like a foolproof plan, Janine.
- Thank you. - So, I'm gonna close the door now.
Yep, okay. Before you do, before you do...
- All right, then. - Whoo, ba-ba-ba-boo!
Before you do, just want to say that,
uh, we're hoping to wrap things up a little bit early tonight.
- Mm-hmm. - You know, as it gets later,
you know, the kids get older and, um, scarier.
Mm-hmm.
So, uh, maybe lights out by 9:00 P.M.?
- What do you say? - Yeah. Okay, yeah.
- Janine? - Yeah?
You know they're children.
So, maybe instead of
closing your doors and turning off your lights,
you could open your heart
and be a little more accepting and tolerant.
I totally get that,
but we lose officer Tuiasosopo at 9:30,
so... Lights out.
Okay, well, it's... Always a joy seeing you.
Hey.
Hey, Dad.
Sasha, what is going on?
Uh, she's Sasha and I'm Malia.
Don't you even know your own daughters?
Oh.
You guys are waiting on your cousins, aren't you?
They're here!
- Ohh. - Whoa...
Are they bigger?
Yeah.
Looks like cousin Carl's been hitting
that taco bell fourth meal pretty hard.
We always said he was one chalupa away
from a train wreck.
Guess he finally ate it.
All right. It's okay to be afraid.
But might as well get it over with.
Time to get mollywhopped.
Whoo! Come on in and kick some butt!
Oh!
Whoa!
Now, how in the hell did this happen?!
Oh!
- Hard work! - Dedication!
Ooh! Yeah! Let's do it!
- Yes! - Let's go!
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
Move it! Come on! Let's move it!
Come on, Zoey! Pick up the pace!
Pick up the pace!
Go! One, two! Yeah!
- Go! Let's go! - Oh, oh!
- Let me kick it! - Diane!
- Oh, snap! - Say something! Say something!
You see that championship bloodline right there?!
I breed fighters, son!
- Hey, Dad! Dad! - What? What?
Dad, wait.
Isn't that your cousin June Bug
bringing in the candy apples?
Cousin who?
June Bug.
What's up, Cuz?
Complete stereotype.
June Bug.
Hey.
Ooh. Whoa.
Don't you drop my apples!
Okay. Okay.
Okay. Ah.
I'm losing breath.
Whoo!
I see you still got that weak little baby-girl windpipe, huh?
June Bug! Man, it's been a long time!
Looking good. Hey.
What's this? Uh... You wearing a kevlar vest?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Part of my costume.
I'm in the club 50 cent.
Oh, okay.
Is it crazy that I already had all this stuff in my closet?
No. It's... it's not crazy at all.
Uh... Children, say hi to cousin June Bug.
- Hey! - June Bug, my kids.
How are you?
- Hi. - That's a good-looking bunch, Dre.
- Oh, thank you. - You sure they yours?
Do... huh?
'Cause you're an extremely unattractive man.
Okay.
Ain't that right, tea kettle?
Tea kettle?
Why did he call you tea kettle, Dad?
Really? That's what you want to know about?
You not gonna question why he called me unattractive?
Oh!
Rainbow, wow! How are you, baby?
- Oh! - "Baby"?
June Bug! Oh, my goodness!
How are you? Ohh! Mwah!
Ohh. Oh, look at you!
Wow!
What's it been, like three, four years?
- More like five to seven. - Aww.
Hey, hey, baby, why don't you, uh, put them in the kitchen?
- Oh, okay. - Hey, hey, hey.
Did I ever tell you how lucky you are to have this woman, Dre?
- What'd you say? - Oh!
Hey, kids, here's a fun fact.
Your father is so weak,
he has the strength of a small woman with bone disease.
What?!
Watch how easy I can take him down.
- Aah! - Oh! Oh, oh, oh.
The cowardly lion is down!
You are not secret service! You cannot touch the president!
I repeat, the cowardly lion is down.
Wow, Dad.
Now I finally get why you're always pushing us
to fight back against our cousins.
You wanted us to succeed in ways that you failed.
Yeah. You know, because you're a little punk.
Boy, I'll let you know,
your father is a strong, educated street gangster.
- Oh! - Oh, he broke your father.
- Goodness! - Dad, are you okay?
I'm fine.
We just playing around.
You know, we just going back and forth.
I see the back,
but I'm not really seeing the forth.
You know what, baby? Go on and, uh...
I'll go and take these and put these in the kitchen.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
So now I'm the one getting mollywhopped
while my kids are standing up for themselves.
I can't believe we stood up to our cousins.
After all the years of abuse, we finally fought back!
Just like Farrah Fawcett in "The Burning Bed"!
What?
It's a powerful portrayal of domestic violence,
much like "Men Don't Tell," starring Judith Light.
Dude, I'm begging for a reason to root for you.
Anyway, did you see the looks on their faces
- when we attacked them? - Yep.
The same look the Native-Americans have
in my Christopher Columbus coloring book.
I wonder where they are now?
Probably somewhere curled up in a corner crying.
Just like the Native-Americans in my coloring book.
You know, the truth is, now that we've shown them that we can boss up,
maybe we can actually just hang out with them.
And it'll only be better without a bloody nose.
Oh, you getting that bloody nose.
Are you kidding me?
A little miniature Misty Copeland.
I swear, you are so cute,
I just want to eat your face off!
So friggin' cute!
Oh, remember, sweetheart,
you can be anything you want to be!
You is smart. You is kind.
You is important.
Oh, no! Whoa! No, ba-po, ba-po! Hey!
Just a reminder, we lose officer T. at 9:30.
Okay. All right.
I got some personal stuff to do.
Ahhh, this guy! All right.
Let's go talk to the other neighbors.
Bye!
Bye. Oh.
Trick or treat.
Hey, there. Welcome to the neighborhood.
So, who are you supposed to be?
- Juvon. - Okay.
What's your costume?
Juvon.
Okay, that's... that's not really a costume.
Look, lady, I showed up, I said the thing,
and opened my bag.
Are we gonna do this or what?
Ugh, why'd they have to take over my bedroom?
Open up this door now, or else!
Or else what?
Or else I'll huff and I'll puff...
what are you doing?
I'm panicking! I don't know!
Let's go, guys.
Wait. Where are you going?
We're done. They won.
Won? Because of one minor setback?
You people are pathetic. You disgust me.
Ew.
We don't have to get into the room to take them down.
We just have to get into their heads.
What are you talking about?
Psi-ops. Crush their morale.
Nicknames can hurt.
Dad is still crushed by "Tea Kettle."
You wear those for life. Right, long head?
Oh, my God. Gurkel's right.
Well played. That hurt.
But you know what hurts the most?
The brutal truth.
Hey, cousin Dante, your real dad was a Nigerian busboy
your mom met at a carnival cruise.
Whoa! Truth bomb.
Let me try.
Hey, cousin Cha-Cha, look down at your sneakers.
Look closely. They're Air Jorbans!
Oh!
- Let's go! - Yes!
What are those?!
Lovely costumes.
Enjoy your candy.
And the word of God.
Really?
You're giving bibles
to children on Halloween?
Your treats give children cavities.
Mine give them everlasting life.
- Okay. - Trick or treat!
Oh.
Oh, the old wig switch!
That deserves more candy.
See, Ruby?
That's what Halloween's all about.
It's all in good fun.
Since when is fun
making the first lady look like a sodomite?
It's just a dress.
- Trick or treat! - Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
You didn't even switch your wigs this time.
Come on.
Go ahead. You can go now.
Go ahead.
What?
- Oh! - Did you just kick my frog?!
And so it has begun.
That wounded frog is no coincidence.
May God have mercy on our souls.
Mm-hmm.
Unh...
Dre?
Dre! Oh, hey.
Dre, we need to talk.
While I am enjoying
the visiting trick-or-treaters immensely,
uh, Janine got her ceramic frog broken.
That looks like your ceramic frog.
Oh, well, yeah, but Janine has one, too,
and... what... what are you doing down there, anyway?
I-I'm fixing the sink, as I'm known to do.
Without any tools and w... crying?
- Dre, are you crying? - Ain't nobody crying!
You're crying.
Ain't nobody crying!
The... there's a leak.
A-a-a-and the water leaked on my face,
and I'm fixing the sink with my bare hands like a man!
But don't tell June Bug I'm up here
because, you know, sink fixing is a... is a one-man job.
Dre, he's harmless. He's just a gentle giant.
Yeah, to you maybe.
He's probably just jealous.
I mean, look at your life compared to his.
I mean
Like, it's...
Come on.
This alone is worthy of you getting beat up.
You ain't wrong about that.
- Ah, yeah, thank you. - Yeah.
You're right.
This thing between June Bug
and me is silly.
Maybe I will go talk to him.
Aww, attaboy. I should probably run, too,
'cause I think Janine put the sprinklers on in our yard
to discourage the trick-or-treaters
from coming to our door.
She is a bad person.
Like, a bad, bad person, that Janine.
Hey, guys.
You ready to go trick-or-treating?
Nah. We not really feeling it.
Come on! It'll be fun.
If you want, you can even steal our costumes!
Don't patronize us, Andre Jr.
We get it. You have a real father.
- And real Jordans. - Yep.
We're sorry about all that.
We took the low road and we know it.
It was really Diane's idea.
And I stand by it.
For what it's worth,
we have no idea who Zoey's real father is.
Pretty sure it's Rick Fox.
And that's supposed to make me feel better?
My dad's some busboy on a boat.
I bet he's a busman by now.
Or he's worked his way up to, like, captain.
Yeah, right.
No, seriously.
Look at me.
He is the captain now.
Uh, o-okay.
I can't believe they didn't come with us.
They must've not seen "Captain Phillips."
We ruined them.
We completely broke their spirits.
I mean, we're monsters!
Amazing little monsters.
Oh, hold it, hold it.
- Oh, watch out. - Oh. Whoa.
- What the... - Hey, my candy!
Really, dude?
Oh. There you are, Junie.
Where you been hiding, man?
Look, I understand
why you've been picking on me for all these years.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
It's because you think my life
has always been easier than yours
because I got out of the hood and I got it like this.
But you don't have to be intimidated by me, Junie.
I'm not better than you.
You sound stupid.
What?
Dre, I just won a $2 million
police-brutality settlement.
Ain't nobody jealous of you.
I just like to hear you
scream like a little bitch.
Uh...
Ouch!
Now say your name.
Dre!
Andre!
That isn't right.
Andre Johnson!
Say your real name!
Tea Kettle!
Oh my God, hey!
Hey, no peeing in my bushes!
Oh... ahh.
Hello.
Well, aren't you just
an adorable group of lady killers, eh?
Show us your [Bleep] [Bleep]
What?!
Yeah, put them on the glass, Flotus!
Dear God!
Oh, God.
Okay, they're just children.
Oh, they don't have arts programs.
They can't help themselves.
Oh, my God!
Jack, it's okay. Stop crying.
W-what happened to you guys?
Nothing.
I got jacked.
They took my candy.
Pathetic.
Go ahead. Call us weak.
We deserve it.
Oh, hell no!
Nobody messes with family.
She got that right. Throw me my Fadidas.
Oh.
Dre, you in here?
Dre, what you doing in here?
I'm changing the oil in my car, as I am known to do.
Oh.
June Bug, I found him! He's in here!
Ma!
Why do you always do that?
It's like you want to see me get whooped.
Kind of like you want to see your own kids get whooped?
Look, that's different, okay?
I just want them to be tough.
Yeah, because you were a little punk.
What? Mama.
You listen to me, Mr. President.
June Bug is your savior!
Forgive me, Jesus.
What are you talking about?
Don't you remember all the times
he beat up the neighborhood kids for making fun of you?
And the teachers, also for making fun of you.
And, hey, what about your high-school graduation night?
You remember that?
You mean when we were rolling through Baldwin Hills?
He tried to kill me!
Ooh!
Oh! Aah!
Okay, maybe I should've had on my seat belt.
But still.
What you don't know, college boy,
is he did that for a reason.
Yes. To laugh at my murder.
No. You were the one in the family
that was going somewhere, and he did it to protect you.
He pushed you out of that car
because he knew if you got busted that night,
it could cost you your scholarship.
I had no idea.
We didn't talk for years.
Maybe I have been too hard on June Bug.
Yeah, maybe.
He's a good man.
It is unfortunate he kidnapped those girls, though.
Bow?
You seen Junie?
What are you doing?
It's 9:00.
I feel like we owe it to Janine
to shut down Halloween, immediately!
Janine is very scared!
But what about the trick-or-treaters and their candy?
Janine feels like [Bleep] them.
Uh...
Are you sure Janine's the one with the problem, Bow?
Yeah, yeah.
'Cause she's outside doing the nae nae.
Okay, fine! It's me!
I'm Janine! I've always been Janine!
Okay, hold that thought.
What? June Bug!
Okay. Oh, God.
- Oh. Hey, man. - Yo, man.
Refrigerator game have exploded
in the last five to seven years.
- Look at that. - Oh, no doubt.
Look, look, junie.
I know you give me a hard time,
but I also know that you look out for me.
You sound stupid.
No, man, I'm serious.
I'm trying to thank you.
You're like a brother to me.
That's real beautiful, man.
Come here, dawg.
That's what I'm talking about. Yeah. Come here, dawg.
Ow! Ow!
What's your name, fool? What's your name, fool?!
Huh?! What's your name, fool?!
So family toughens you up,
but they also have your back.
Or in this case,
- your arm bent painfully behind your back. - Ow.
Meanwhile, my kids learned
their cousins have their back, too.
That was amazing!
Yo, those kids went down quick.
Only one that scared me was that big Samoan dude.
Kinda seemed like an adult that was hitting children.
You split that airboard over his head like a graham cracker!
- Thanks for having our back. - That's what family does, man.
Now give us all your candy.
He thinks we're kidding. Seriously, all of it.
- Oh! - Do we look like we're playing?
I just fought a man.
True.
Go ahead, Jack.
Mm-hmm.
- Here Man, have mine. I probably don't need it. - He don't.
- True, but I do need this. - No you don't.
I love Halloween.
Synced and corrected by OussLP - www.addic7ed.com