1 00:00:07,006 --> 00:00:08,739 Okay, so, I'm just your standard, 2 00:00:08,741 --> 00:00:10,774 Regular ol' incredibly handsome, 3 00:00:10,776 --> 00:00:13,477 Unbelievably charismatic black dude. 4 00:00:13,479 --> 00:00:15,312 Now, this drooling, pigment-challenged, 5 00:00:15,314 --> 00:00:17,547 Mixed-race woman is my wife, rainbow. 6 00:00:17,549 --> 00:00:21,018 And, despite what she looks like right now, she's a doctor. 7 00:00:21,020 --> 00:00:22,753 We're lucky. 8 00:00:22,755 --> 00:00:26,356 We've got a great house, four great kids, and my pops. 9 00:00:26,358 --> 00:00:28,458 It's a far cry from where it all began. 10 00:00:28,460 --> 00:00:31,161 That's why I promised my parents I'd get an education, 11 00:00:31,163 --> 00:00:33,263 Graduate, and get myself out of there. 12 00:00:33,265 --> 00:00:34,765 I guess for a kid from the hood, 13 00:00:34,767 --> 00:00:36,533 I'm living the american dream. 14 00:00:36,535 --> 00:00:39,703 The only problem is, whatever american 15 00:00:39,705 --> 00:00:41,738 Had this dream probably wasn't where I'm from. 16 00:00:41,740 --> 00:00:44,107 And if he was, he should've mentioned the part 17 00:00:44,109 --> 00:00:46,109 About how when brothers start getting a little money, 18 00:00:46,111 --> 00:00:47,778 Stuff starts getting a little weird -- 19 00:00:47,780 --> 00:00:49,346 Like in my neighborhood. 20 00:00:49,348 --> 00:00:52,182 Sometimes I feel like a bit of an oddity. 21 00:00:52,184 --> 00:00:54,584 And if you look to your left, 22 00:00:54,586 --> 00:00:58,522 You'll see the mythical and majestic black family 23 00:00:58,524 --> 00:01:02,259 Out of their natural habitat and yet still thriving. 24 00:01:02,261 --> 00:01:04,494 Go ahead and wave. They'll wave right back. 25 00:01:04,496 --> 00:01:06,563 They're smiling. Hi. Hello. - The little ones are cute. 26 00:01:06,565 --> 00:01:08,732 They're just -- just amazing. 27 00:01:08,734 --> 00:01:11,101 Sometimes I worry that, in an effort to make it, 28 00:01:11,103 --> 00:01:14,071 Black folks have dropped a little bit of their culture 29 00:01:14,073 --> 00:01:15,672 And the rest of the world has picked it up. 30 00:01:15,674 --> 00:01:17,107 They even renamed it "urban." 31 00:01:17,109 --> 00:01:19,076 And in the "urban" world, 32 00:01:19,078 --> 00:01:21,678 Justin timberlake and robin thicke are r&b gods, 33 00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:24,748 Kim kardashian's the symbol for big butts, 34 00:01:24,750 --> 00:01:28,218 And asian guys are just unholdable on the dance floor. 35 00:01:28,220 --> 00:01:31,555 Come on! Big butts? R&b and dancing? 36 00:01:31,557 --> 00:01:33,857 Those were the black man's go-tos! 37 00:01:33,859 --> 00:01:35,725 I'm definitely not complaining. 38 00:01:35,727 --> 00:01:36,860 I love my life. 39 00:01:36,862 --> 00:01:39,129 And not that I want to go back 40 00:01:39,131 --> 00:01:41,865 To the days of being the big, scary black guy. 41 00:01:43,634 --> 00:01:45,702 But I have to admit -- 42 00:01:45,704 --> 00:01:48,772 It did kind of have its advantages. 43 00:01:55,313 --> 00:01:58,415 Even though we were close, my pops had a weird way 44 00:01:58,417 --> 00:01:59,783 Of showing he loved me. Hey, pops. 45 00:01:59,785 --> 00:02:02,519 Hey, hey, son, can I just get some coffee in me 46 00:02:02,521 --> 00:02:06,790 And by "weird," I meant he didn't show it at all. 47 00:02:07,892 --> 00:02:09,759 Good morning, zoey. 48 00:02:09,761 --> 00:02:11,128 Hey, dad. 49 00:02:11,130 --> 00:02:12,796 Are you wearing that awful cologne again? 50 00:02:12,798 --> 00:02:15,765 Why? Because it smells like you're 51 00:02:15,767 --> 00:02:17,801 Did seem like a pretty straightforward 52 00:02:17,803 --> 00:02:19,669 Right? 53 00:02:19,671 --> 00:02:22,405 Nice try. I'm not gonna let you ruin my day. 54 00:02:23,876 --> 00:02:25,809 Good morning, mr. Senior vice president. 55 00:02:25,811 --> 00:02:26,877 Mwah! Hey, baby. 56 00:02:26,879 --> 00:02:28,778 Hey. Hear that, pops? 57 00:02:28,780 --> 00:02:30,881 Stevens is announcing my svp promotion at work today. 58 00:02:30,883 --> 00:02:33,150 Whoo-hoo! Yeah, and if you'd have joined 59 00:02:33,152 --> 00:02:36,653 Like I told you, you'd have been mr. President five years ago. 60 00:02:36,655 --> 00:02:37,754 Yeah, but for half the money. 61 00:02:37,756 --> 00:02:39,756 So? It's a black company. 62 00:02:39,758 --> 00:02:42,893 You got to make an adjustment for the negro inflation tax. 63 00:02:42,895 --> 00:02:46,897 Pops, I am gonna be the first black svp at stevens & lido. 64 00:02:46,899 --> 00:02:48,832 This job is about more than just money to me. 65 00:02:48,834 --> 00:02:49,933 Uh-huh. 66 00:02:49,935 --> 00:02:51,768 It's about breaking down barriers. 67 00:02:51,770 --> 00:02:55,805 Yeah. Breaking down barriers -- equally important to money. 68 00:02:55,807 --> 00:02:57,340 But just so that I'm clear, 69 00:02:57,342 --> 00:02:58,942 There is a salary increase, right? 70 00:02:58,944 --> 00:02:59,910 Yes, baby. Okay. 71 00:02:59,912 --> 00:03:01,578 All right. Hey, junior. 72 00:03:01,580 --> 00:03:03,914 Mm, mm, mm, mm! Unh! 73 00:03:03,916 --> 00:03:05,682 All right, all right. Let's go. 74 00:03:05,684 --> 00:03:07,551 Oh, why don't y'all go get a room? 75 00:03:07,553 --> 00:03:09,386 I can't believe I marched on washington 76 00:03:09,388 --> 00:03:11,688 And fought for my country to watch y'all do that mess. 77 00:03:11,690 --> 00:03:13,757 You shot yourself in the foot to get out of the army. 78 00:03:13,759 --> 00:03:16,826 And you were in d.C. For an isley brothers concert. 79 00:03:16,828 --> 00:03:20,230 You shot yourself? Can we see? 80 00:03:20,232 --> 00:03:22,465 Look here. Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh-mnh-mnh. Pops. 81 00:03:22,467 --> 00:03:24,668 I want to see! 82 00:03:24,670 --> 00:03:26,970 Why do you have to get to school so early, son? 83 00:03:26,972 --> 00:03:28,672 Oh, uh, tryouts are today. 84 00:03:28,674 --> 00:03:30,774 I want to get a little extra work in so I'd be ready. 85 00:03:30,776 --> 00:03:33,210 Okay. Work on the handle. 86 00:03:33,212 --> 00:03:35,278 Lock down that point-guard spot. 87 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:38,415 Um...There's no point guards in field hockey, dad. 88 00:03:39,850 --> 00:03:41,418 Field hockey?! 89 00:03:41,420 --> 00:03:43,954 Man, isn't that a woman's sport? 90 00:03:43,956 --> 00:03:46,623 Nope. Um, a lot of people think that, though. 91 00:03:46,625 --> 00:03:49,960 A lot of people never think about field hockey, man. 92 00:03:49,962 --> 00:03:53,396 What happened? We were hoopin' all summer long. 93 00:03:53,398 --> 00:03:55,432 I thought you were gonna try out for the team, 94 00:03:55,434 --> 00:03:58,235 Show these valley glen boys the johnson family jumper. 95 00:03:58,237 --> 00:03:59,703 The johnson family wha-- 96 00:03:59,705 --> 00:04:01,238 Dad, you didn't hit one jump shot all summer. 97 00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:02,706 Hey. 98 00:04:02,708 --> 00:04:04,841 It's not about the accuracy, son, all right? 99 00:04:04,843 --> 00:04:07,010 The family is known for our form. 100 00:04:07,012 --> 00:04:08,478 Look at that. Look at that elbow. 101 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:09,479 Look at that. 102 00:04:09,481 --> 00:04:10,680 Right. 103 00:04:10,682 --> 00:04:12,816 Anyway, I thought about playing hoop, 104 00:04:12,818 --> 00:04:14,918 But all my friends are fee-hocking it this year, 105 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:17,520 Fee-- so I figured, you know, 106 00:04:17,522 --> 00:04:19,356 W-when in rome? 107 00:04:19,358 --> 00:04:22,492 You are not in rome! You're in l.A.! 108 00:04:22,494 --> 00:04:24,461 You know what? 109 00:04:24,463 --> 00:04:26,263 I'm not gonna let you ruin my day. 110 00:04:26,265 --> 00:04:28,265 Field hockey. 111 00:04:28,267 --> 00:04:29,633 What's up, mr. J? What's up, zach? 112 00:04:29,635 --> 00:04:31,434 What's up, andy? What's up? 113 00:04:31,436 --> 00:04:32,769 "andy"? 114 00:04:32,771 --> 00:04:34,571 That's not even close to "andre." 115 00:04:34,573 --> 00:04:36,473 I think it says I'm edgy but approachable. 116 00:04:36,475 --> 00:04:38,275 I think it says, "I hate my father 117 00:04:38,277 --> 00:04:39,909 And I play field hockey." 118 00:04:39,911 --> 00:04:41,611 Well, zach thinks it's cool, 119 00:04:41,613 --> 00:04:43,380 And it's also a derivative of "andre." 120 00:04:43,382 --> 00:04:44,614 We discussed it, and I think I like that -- 121 00:04:49,721 --> 00:04:51,721 There were so few of us at stevens & lido 122 00:04:51,723 --> 00:04:53,890 That being black made you feel like 123 00:04:53,892 --> 00:04:56,026 You were part of a little family. 124 00:04:56,028 --> 00:04:58,895 So when one of us made it, it was kind of like we all did. 125 00:04:58,897 --> 00:05:01,731 ♪ who do you think you are? ♪ 126 00:05:01,733 --> 00:05:04,301 And right now, I was that one. 127 00:05:04,303 --> 00:05:06,403 I'm not saying I was the jackie robinson 128 00:05:06,405 --> 00:05:08,571 Of stevens & lido advertising or anything, 129 00:05:08,573 --> 00:05:11,341 But, I mean, if other people were saying it, 130 00:05:11,343 --> 00:05:12,809 They wouldn't be wrong. 131 00:05:14,946 --> 00:05:16,012 Hold on a second. 132 00:05:16,014 --> 00:05:17,947 Killer kris. 133 00:05:17,949 --> 00:05:19,349 Big dre, what up? 134 00:05:19,351 --> 00:05:21,351 Or should I say "mr. Senior vee-peezy"? 135 00:05:21,353 --> 00:05:23,019 This is my assistant, kris. 136 00:05:23,021 --> 00:05:24,988 Notice how I do the shake with him. 137 00:05:24,990 --> 00:05:28,091 That's because I consider him an honorary brother. 138 00:05:28,093 --> 00:05:29,826 Hey, kris, let me ask you a question. 139 00:05:29,828 --> 00:05:31,795 Did you ever want to play the same sport 140 00:05:31,797 --> 00:05:33,330 Your dad played in high school? 141 00:05:33,332 --> 00:05:35,532 Are you kidding? Of course. 142 00:05:35,534 --> 00:05:38,635 My dad was a frickin' field-hockey god. 143 00:05:38,637 --> 00:05:40,370 Meeting's in 10. 144 00:05:40,372 --> 00:05:41,938 Whatever. 145 00:05:43,741 --> 00:05:45,508 Yo! Dr. Dre! 146 00:05:45,510 --> 00:05:46,743 This is josh. Um... 147 00:05:46,745 --> 00:05:48,378 Not an honorary brother. 148 00:05:48,380 --> 00:05:49,979 ...Just "andre." 149 00:05:49,981 --> 00:05:51,915 Right. Sorry. Andre. 150 00:05:51,917 --> 00:05:53,850 Hey, bro, we-- oh. I mean "andre." 151 00:05:53,852 --> 00:05:56,019 Listen, we're working on this folgers copy, 152 00:05:56,021 --> 00:05:58,655 And we wanted to know how you think a black guy 153 00:05:58,657 --> 00:06:02,525 Would say "good morning." 154 00:06:02,527 --> 00:06:04,627 Hmm. 155 00:06:04,629 --> 00:06:05,829 Probably just like that. 156 00:06:05,831 --> 00:06:07,731 Cool. Cool, cool, cool. 157 00:06:07,733 --> 00:06:08,898 Hey, hey, stevens called a meeting, 158 00:06:08,900 --> 00:06:10,433 And I think something big might be up. 159 00:06:10,435 --> 00:06:12,936 You know, I'm hearing "historic," 160 00:06:12,938 --> 00:06:14,971 "game-changing" being tossed around. 161 00:06:14,973 --> 00:06:17,107 Could just be office gossip. Ha ha! 162 00:06:17,109 --> 00:06:18,842 If I could have your attention... 163 00:06:18,844 --> 00:06:20,944 At stevens & lido, there was a clear separation 164 00:06:20,946 --> 00:06:22,746 Between lower management... 165 00:06:22,748 --> 00:06:24,047 And upper management. 166 00:06:24,049 --> 00:06:25,949 ...In a bidding war... 167 00:06:25,951 --> 00:06:28,752 And that always made me feel like it was us... 168 00:06:28,754 --> 00:06:30,120 Versus them. ...Get ready to work. 169 00:06:30,122 --> 00:06:31,888 Even our snacks were divided. 170 00:06:31,890 --> 00:06:34,090 We get cheetos and grape soda, 171 00:06:34,092 --> 00:06:37,660 While they always get what looks like a medieval feast. 172 00:06:37,662 --> 00:06:41,064 Let's eat! Let's eat! 173 00:06:41,066 --> 00:06:43,933 That's why this promotion was such a big deal. 174 00:06:43,935 --> 00:06:45,769 For once, one of us 175 00:06:45,771 --> 00:06:47,604 Was going to get a chance to be one of them. 176 00:06:49,141 --> 00:06:50,507 More wine! 177 00:06:54,812 --> 00:06:55,612 To us! 178 00:06:55,614 --> 00:06:57,180 Actually, no! 179 00:06:57,182 --> 00:06:59,449 To them! 180 00:07:00,118 --> 00:07:01,651 Like my daddy said, 181 00:07:01,653 --> 00:07:03,553 You chase a squirrel, 182 00:07:03,555 --> 00:07:05,188 You better be prepared to eat his nuts. 183 00:07:06,892 --> 00:07:09,426 All right... 184 00:07:09,428 --> 00:07:11,694 Uh, I'm sure you've all heard I have an announcement. 185 00:07:11,696 --> 00:07:14,831 Uh, myself and the board have decided to up 186 00:07:14,833 --> 00:07:17,634 A new senior vice president here in the company. 187 00:07:18,937 --> 00:07:21,204 What?! Ha ha! 188 00:07:21,206 --> 00:07:23,907 That's crazy! Oh, my god! 189 00:07:23,909 --> 00:07:25,608 Hey, hey, but very wise. 190 00:07:26,745 --> 00:07:28,478 Yeah. Yeah. Hm. 191 00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:31,848 And this new svp will also be heading up 192 00:07:31,850 --> 00:07:33,216 Our creative presentation 193 00:07:33,218 --> 00:07:38,521 To grab the $250 million l.A. Tourism account. 194 00:07:38,523 --> 00:07:39,923 All right. 195 00:07:39,925 --> 00:07:41,891 It is a big deal for us. We need a home run here. 196 00:07:41,893 --> 00:07:43,726 Sabrina, I'm not gonna forget about you 197 00:07:43,728 --> 00:07:45,528 When I become one of them, all right? 198 00:07:45,530 --> 00:07:48,731 Excuse me. Excuse me. All right. 199 00:07:48,733 --> 00:07:50,533 Uh, excuse me. Yeah. 200 00:07:50,535 --> 00:07:53,870 So, without any further ado, 201 00:07:53,872 --> 00:07:56,873 I would like us all to give a warm congrats 202 00:07:56,875 --> 00:07:59,809 To the svp of our new urban division, andre johnson! 203 00:07:59,811 --> 00:08:01,978 Huh?! 204 00:08:03,682 --> 00:08:04,881 That's right. 205 00:08:04,883 --> 00:08:06,816 Andre! Uh, I'm -- 206 00:08:06,818 --> 00:08:09,152 Uh... Did you say "urban"? 207 00:08:09,154 --> 00:08:11,488 Urban division. 208 00:08:11,490 --> 00:08:15,959 Wait. Did they just put me in charge of black stuff? 209 00:08:20,764 --> 00:08:23,266 I don't like the social media at the table. I told you that. - Junior, pass the hot sauce. 210 00:08:23,268 --> 00:08:25,702 Okay. Hello! Okay. 211 00:08:25,704 --> 00:08:29,839 To my husband, senior vice president. 212 00:08:29,841 --> 00:08:31,641 Yes! Yeah! 213 00:08:31,643 --> 00:08:34,143 Congrats to my son! Yeah! 214 00:08:34,145 --> 00:08:35,278 Finally made it, son. 215 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:37,180 Finally made it... Holla! 216 00:08:37,182 --> 00:08:38,915 ...To head puppet of the white man. 217 00:08:38,917 --> 00:08:41,150 Oh, pops. Come on. You're here to celebrate him. 218 00:08:41,152 --> 00:08:43,219 Actually, you told me I was coming over 219 00:08:43,221 --> 00:08:45,255 I have no idea what the hell this is. 220 00:08:45,257 --> 00:08:48,691 Really? It's baked fried chicken. 221 00:08:48,693 --> 00:08:50,960 Oh, so fried fried chicken is too black for you. 222 00:08:50,962 --> 00:08:52,595 Pops! Pops, seriously? 223 00:08:52,597 --> 00:08:53,963 Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Babe, babe, babe, babe. 224 00:08:53,965 --> 00:08:55,632 What? You know what? 225 00:08:55,634 --> 00:08:57,267 You know, I-I do feel like a puppet. 226 00:08:57,269 --> 00:08:58,968 As you should. 227 00:08:58,970 --> 00:09:02,138 I said I wanted to be the first black svp for stevens & lido, 228 00:09:02,140 --> 00:09:04,307 When, actually, I wanted to be the first svp 229 00:09:04,309 --> 00:09:05,875 Who happened to be black. 230 00:09:05,877 --> 00:09:06,976 What's the difference? 231 00:09:06,978 --> 00:09:08,745 Obama's the first black president. 232 00:09:08,747 --> 00:09:11,014 I mean, does that make him any less president? No. 233 00:09:11,016 --> 00:09:12,882 No, because he's the first black president 234 00:09:12,884 --> 00:09:14,617 Of the United States, 235 00:09:14,619 --> 00:09:18,221 Not the first black president of the urban United States. 236 00:09:18,223 --> 00:09:20,857 Obama's the first black president? 237 00:09:20,859 --> 00:09:22,158 You're doing a bang-up job over here. 238 00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:24,027 No, no, no. Hold on a second. Let's explore this. 239 00:09:24,029 --> 00:09:25,562 Jack, did you really not know 240 00:09:25,564 --> 00:09:27,297 That obama was the first black president? 241 00:09:27,299 --> 00:09:30,033 He's the only president I've ever known. 242 00:09:30,035 --> 00:09:32,869 "only." did you hear that? "only." 243 00:09:32,871 --> 00:09:36,072 So that explains his complete lack of presidential trivia. 244 00:09:36,074 --> 00:09:38,007 Hey. You two. 245 00:09:38,009 --> 00:09:40,710 You knew that obama was the first black president, right? 246 00:09:40,712 --> 00:09:42,345 I g-guess. Okay. 247 00:09:42,347 --> 00:09:44,013 "okay"? 248 00:09:44,015 --> 00:09:45,181 Mm-hmm. See what I'm talking about? 249 00:09:45,183 --> 00:09:47,650 Baked chicken. 250 00:09:48,986 --> 00:09:50,887 What you doing? 251 00:09:50,889 --> 00:09:51,921 Looking at pictures... 252 00:09:53,091 --> 00:09:54,924 ...Of my urban family. 253 00:09:54,926 --> 00:09:56,225 Oh, my god. 254 00:09:56,227 --> 00:09:58,695 You got to stop with the whole pity-party thing. 255 00:09:58,697 --> 00:10:01,598 You don't think I go through this kind of thing all the time 256 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:04,601 It's not that big of a deal. You got to keep it real. 257 00:10:04,603 --> 00:10:08,338 That's what I said. O-okay. All -- 258 00:10:08,340 --> 00:10:12,875 A biracial or mixed or omni-colored-complexion, 259 00:10:12,877 --> 00:10:14,744 Whatever-it-is- they're-calling-it-today woman 260 00:10:14,746 --> 00:10:17,313 Who technically isn't even really black? 261 00:10:17,315 --> 00:10:18,881 Okay, well, if I'm not really black, 262 00:10:18,883 --> 00:10:21,918 Then could somebody please tell my hair and my ass? 263 00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:23,853 Babe, you don't get it. No. 264 00:10:23,855 --> 00:10:25,388 This is how it starts. What? 265 00:10:25,390 --> 00:10:28,992 Babe, junior wants to play field hockey. 266 00:10:28,994 --> 00:10:30,960 I know. What's wrong with that? 267 00:10:30,962 --> 00:10:31,861 I -- 268 00:10:31,863 --> 00:10:33,696 Today, it's field hockey. 269 00:10:33,698 --> 00:10:35,932 Tomorrow, he's running from the police in a white bronco. 270 00:10:35,934 --> 00:10:37,767 Oh, my god -- are you suggesting 271 00:10:37,769 --> 00:10:39,268 That our son is gonna grow up and murder his wife? 272 00:10:39,270 --> 00:10:42,271 Aha! You think o.J. Did it! Oh, come on. 273 00:10:42,273 --> 00:10:44,941 We can't have a keeping-it-real conversation with that attitude. 274 00:10:44,943 --> 00:10:46,242 No, no, no. Stop, babe. 275 00:10:46,244 --> 00:10:47,877 Baby, the gloves didn't fit! 276 00:10:47,879 --> 00:10:50,079 You need to focus. Okay. 277 00:10:50,081 --> 00:10:51,948 This is what you always wanted. 278 00:10:51,950 --> 00:10:54,717 This is your dream and this is our plan. 279 00:10:54,719 --> 00:10:57,920 We're gonna climb the himalayas, sex in the louvre, 280 00:10:57,922 --> 00:11:00,156 And then we're gonna successfully raise our family 281 00:11:00,158 --> 00:11:01,924 In a better situation than we had. 282 00:11:01,926 --> 00:11:05,862 If you pass up this promotion, we're 0 for 3. 283 00:11:07,432 --> 00:11:08,965 Maybe you're right, babe. 284 00:11:08,967 --> 00:11:10,166 Ooh. Thank you. 285 00:11:10,168 --> 00:11:12,035 You're welcome. Mwah. I love you. 286 00:11:12,037 --> 00:11:13,369 I love you, too. 287 00:11:13,371 --> 00:11:14,771 No. 288 00:11:14,773 --> 00:11:16,172 You didn't even let me get it out. 289 00:11:16,174 --> 00:11:18,041 I know, 'cause I can hear what you're thinking. 290 00:11:18,043 --> 00:11:19,676 Okay, well, I'm just gonna do it. 291 00:11:21,946 --> 00:11:24,013 There he is -- my main man. 292 00:11:24,015 --> 00:11:25,882 Can't wait to see what you do with that presentation. 293 00:11:25,884 --> 00:11:28,217 Me too. Really looking forward to it. 294 00:11:28,219 --> 00:11:30,953 And, remember, really put your swag on it, you know? 295 00:11:30,955 --> 00:11:32,689 Keep it -- keep it real. 296 00:11:33,691 --> 00:11:34,924 Keep it real? 297 00:11:34,926 --> 00:11:38,094 Yeah. Be honest, be smart, be you. 298 00:11:38,096 --> 00:11:40,263 What, uh, what did you think I meant? 299 00:11:41,765 --> 00:11:42,999 I thought you meant that. 300 00:11:43,001 --> 00:11:43,966 Okay. 301 00:11:47,706 --> 00:11:49,872 "keep it real." 302 00:11:49,874 --> 00:11:52,475 What's up, drigitty-dre? Rewind! 303 00:11:52,477 --> 00:11:53,976 My name's not -- 304 00:11:53,978 --> 00:11:55,445 Drigitty-dre-dre -- what? Kick it. 305 00:11:55,447 --> 00:11:57,080 That's inappropriate! Bow-wow, wow-wow-wow. 306 00:11:57,082 --> 00:11:58,481 Highly inappropriate! 307 00:12:01,418 --> 00:12:02,852 Hey, babe. Hey, babe. 308 00:12:02,854 --> 00:12:05,354 Mommy, mommy. Mom. Yeah? 309 00:12:05,356 --> 00:12:07,290 Liza jackson asked if we could have a playdate. 310 00:12:07,292 --> 00:12:09,859 She's weird, so feel free to say "no." 311 00:12:09,861 --> 00:12:12,428 Liza jackson? Which one is she? 312 00:12:12,430 --> 00:12:14,997 You know, wears the nemo shoes every...Single...Day? 313 00:12:14,999 --> 00:12:17,166 Huh. And the polka-dot 314 00:12:17,168 --> 00:12:19,001 Kind of smells like a turkey burger. 315 00:12:19,003 --> 00:12:20,503 Ew! Wait a second. 316 00:12:20,505 --> 00:12:21,971 Are you guys talking about 317 00:12:21,973 --> 00:12:23,973 The only other little black girl in your class? 318 00:12:23,975 --> 00:12:25,742 Yeah. Yeah. 319 00:12:25,744 --> 00:12:27,376 Why didn't you just say that? 320 00:12:27,378 --> 00:12:29,145 Guess when I hear "liza jackson," 321 00:12:29,147 --> 00:12:31,147 I just think "nemo and turkey burgers." 322 00:12:31,149 --> 00:12:32,882 Yep. Thank you. 323 00:12:32,884 --> 00:12:34,016 You're welcome. 324 00:12:34,018 --> 00:12:35,952 What? 325 00:12:35,954 --> 00:12:38,154 Don't you think that's beautiful? 326 00:12:38,156 --> 00:12:40,757 No. I think they need to be tested. 327 00:12:40,759 --> 00:12:43,126 But when I say it, I'm wrong. 328 00:12:44,862 --> 00:12:45,995 I made the team! 329 00:12:45,997 --> 00:12:47,930 Whoo! Yes! Oh, my goodness! 330 00:12:47,932 --> 00:12:49,265 That's so exciting! Of course you did. 331 00:12:49,267 --> 00:12:50,333 Yes! 332 00:12:50,335 --> 00:12:52,301 Oh, god, I'm so happy! Thank you. 333 00:12:53,505 --> 00:12:55,972 Uh, zach? Can I help you with something? 334 00:12:55,974 --> 00:12:58,007 Uh, yeah, I've just been craving some grape soda all day, 335 00:12:58,009 --> 00:13:00,042 And my parents just never buy any. 336 00:13:00,044 --> 00:13:01,978 And why would you assume we have -- 337 00:13:01,980 --> 00:13:04,547 Oh, and, dad, me and some of the field mob 338 00:13:04,549 --> 00:13:06,249 Decided what I should do for my birthday party. 339 00:13:06,251 --> 00:13:08,551 I want to have a bar mitzvah. 340 00:13:08,553 --> 00:13:11,020 Before you say anything, I know we're not jewish, 341 00:13:11,022 --> 00:13:13,489 But zach knows a rabbi who's great at pushing 342 00:13:13,491 --> 00:13:17,827 Hold on -- so you'd be willing to forsake your own religion 343 00:13:17,829 --> 00:13:18,995 To have a party? 344 00:13:18,997 --> 00:13:20,229 Short answer -- yes. 345 00:13:20,231 --> 00:13:21,898 Are you listening to this? 346 00:13:21,900 --> 00:13:23,332 Dad, now that I think about it, 347 00:13:23,334 --> 00:13:25,101 If I do, you won't have to worry 348 00:13:25,103 --> 00:13:27,270 About anyone calling me "andy" anymore, 349 00:13:27,272 --> 00:13:29,071 Because when I convert, I'll get a hebrew name. 350 00:13:29,073 --> 00:13:31,474 I'm gonna go with either "schlomo" or "shmuel." 351 00:13:31,476 --> 00:13:33,042 What? 352 00:13:33,044 --> 00:13:34,377 Both pretty solid, bro. 353 00:13:34,379 --> 00:13:36,245 Shut up! Shut -- 354 00:13:36,247 --> 00:13:37,880 You know what? Family meeting! 355 00:13:37,882 --> 00:13:40,249 Everybody, 'round the table -- now! 356 00:13:40,251 --> 00:13:42,985 I smell a group hug coming on. I'm going to the track. 357 00:13:42,987 --> 00:13:44,821 See you later, pops. 358 00:13:44,823 --> 00:13:46,122 All right, listen up. 359 00:13:46,124 --> 00:13:47,957 I may have to be "urban" at work, 360 00:13:47,959 --> 00:13:51,527 But I'm still going to need my family to be black. 361 00:13:51,529 --> 00:13:53,029 Not black-ish... 362 00:13:53,031 --> 00:13:54,831 Wha-- but black. 363 00:13:54,833 --> 00:13:57,033 So we're gonna start with some strict guidelines. 364 00:13:57,035 --> 00:13:59,268 So, then he sent me a smiley face with a wink. 365 00:13:59,270 --> 00:14:00,503 I mean, I should be offended, right? 366 00:14:00,505 --> 00:14:03,139 I'll text you. All right. 367 00:14:03,141 --> 00:14:04,974 From heretoforth, 368 00:14:04,976 --> 00:14:08,077 We are going to keep it real. 369 00:14:08,079 --> 00:14:12,281 If I hear anybody calling you "schlomo" or "shmuel" 370 00:14:12,283 --> 00:14:13,983 Or especially "andy," 371 00:14:13,985 --> 00:14:16,385 I'm gonna back you over and whoever else is saying it 372 00:14:16,387 --> 00:14:17,420 In my car. 373 00:14:17,422 --> 00:14:19,055 Dad -- quiet! 374 00:14:19,057 --> 00:14:20,556 Now, I may have to watch you play 375 00:14:20,558 --> 00:14:23,292 Possibly the dumbest sport in the world, 376 00:14:23,294 --> 00:14:26,395 But I do not have to sit back and listen to you rave 377 00:14:26,397 --> 00:14:28,998 About other kids' bar mitzvahs. 378 00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,968 So, next Saturday, when you turn 13, 379 00:14:31,970 --> 00:14:35,004 You're becoming a man, too -- 380 00:14:35,006 --> 00:14:37,940 A black man, because I'm throwing you 381 00:14:37,942 --> 00:14:39,508 An african rites of passage ceremony. 382 00:14:39,510 --> 00:14:40,877 Ha! 383 00:14:40,879 --> 00:14:43,179 That does not sound as fun. 384 00:14:43,181 --> 00:14:45,047 No, it does not. 385 00:14:45,049 --> 00:14:46,983 Okay, I have an idea. 386 00:14:46,985 --> 00:14:50,019 Why don't we take a black break 387 00:14:50,021 --> 00:14:51,621 And go get some white yogurt? 388 00:14:51,623 --> 00:14:53,222 Yeah! Yeah! 389 00:14:53,224 --> 00:14:55,091 Hey, hey! Hold on, hold on. Slow your roll, you two. 390 00:14:55,093 --> 00:14:57,159 From here on out, I'm gonna need you two 391 00:14:57,161 --> 00:14:59,962 To describe people using keeping-it-real identifications. 392 00:14:59,964 --> 00:15:02,198 "the assailant was a hispanic male 393 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:05,001 Between the ages of 10 and 60." 394 00:15:05,003 --> 00:15:07,303 See? Now I know who I'm looking for. 395 00:15:07,305 --> 00:15:10,172 Mommy, daddy's scaring me. 396 00:15:10,174 --> 00:15:12,408 Me too, baby. Me too. 397 00:15:12,410 --> 00:15:14,911 Mm-hmm. 398 00:15:14,913 --> 00:15:16,145 Okay, are we done with this whole life-and-death, 399 00:15:16,147 --> 00:15:18,014 Keeping-it-real speech? 400 00:15:18,016 --> 00:15:23,085 And I'm not gonna be thinking about keeping it real. 401 00:15:23,087 --> 00:15:25,488 I'm gonna be thinking about keeping him alive. 402 00:15:25,490 --> 00:15:29,025 You're not the only one in this house with an important job. 403 00:15:29,027 --> 00:15:30,126 My job is pretty important. 404 00:15:30,128 --> 00:15:31,460 And, as I recall, 405 00:15:31,462 --> 00:15:32,461 You were the one who brought up 406 00:15:32,463 --> 00:15:35,164 So this is my fault? Yes, it's your fault. 407 00:15:35,166 --> 00:15:37,133 Oh, this is my fault? Oh, yes. 408 00:15:37,135 --> 00:15:39,101 And, tomorrow, I have a very important presentation to make. 409 00:15:39,103 --> 00:15:41,604 And you know what I'm gonna do when I go in there? 410 00:15:41,606 --> 00:15:43,606 I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna keep it real as 411 00:15:43,608 --> 00:15:46,342 Oka-- yeah, because that's 412 00:15:46,344 --> 00:15:48,477 Oh, I'm pretty sure that's not what I told you to do. 413 00:15:48,479 --> 00:15:50,212 Oh, no, that's exactly what you said. 414 00:15:50,214 --> 00:15:52,214 If she thinks I'm finished with keeping it real, 415 00:15:52,216 --> 00:15:53,983 I am just getting started. 416 00:15:53,985 --> 00:15:57,053 And if stevens & lido really wants an urban svp, 417 00:15:57,055 --> 00:15:58,955 I'll give them their urban svp. 418 00:15:58,957 --> 00:15:59,956 Ha! 419 00:15:59,958 --> 00:16:00,990 Oh, my god. 420 00:16:02,926 --> 00:16:07,063 ♪ it's bigger than hip, hop, hip, hop ♪ 421 00:16:07,065 --> 00:16:09,065 Lalonde -- leonard landing at will. 422 00:16:09,067 --> 00:16:11,200 And lalonde goes down! 423 00:16:15,539 --> 00:16:19,141 So, that's my urban pitch for the l.A. Tourism account. 424 00:16:19,143 --> 00:16:20,643 Thoughts? 425 00:16:23,113 --> 00:16:25,381 We're not really doing this, right? 426 00:16:27,084 --> 00:16:29,385 I thought it was funny. 427 00:16:39,397 --> 00:16:42,264 Operation "keepin' it real" was in full effect, 428 00:16:42,266 --> 00:16:44,467 And although it was off to a rocky start, 429 00:16:44,469 --> 00:16:46,669 I still had high hopes. 430 00:16:46,671 --> 00:16:48,504 Mm! - Andre. 431 00:16:48,506 --> 00:16:49,672 Yes? 432 00:16:49,674 --> 00:16:51,374 What is this mess you're doing? 433 00:16:51,376 --> 00:16:53,409 This ain't no mess, pops. This is our culture. 434 00:16:53,411 --> 00:16:56,212 This ain't our culture. We black, not african. 435 00:16:56,214 --> 00:16:58,080 Africans don't even like us. 436 00:16:58,082 --> 00:16:59,648 Dad, can I go? 437 00:16:59,650 --> 00:17:01,650 No. Stand right there and experience your roots. 438 00:17:01,652 --> 00:17:03,386 You're better off watching "roots." 439 00:17:03,388 --> 00:17:04,420 Ah. 440 00:17:08,392 --> 00:17:10,026 Uh-oh. 441 00:17:11,061 --> 00:17:12,661 Should I start, or do you want to? 442 00:17:12,663 --> 00:17:15,064 Okay. Okay. Uh, take that, son. Take that! 443 00:17:15,066 --> 00:17:17,133 What is he doing? - Don't look at me. 444 00:17:17,135 --> 00:17:18,734 Ohh! 445 00:17:18,736 --> 00:17:20,269 Hey, bow. Look, baby, I had -- 446 00:17:20,271 --> 00:17:22,138 The boy wanted a bar mitzvah! 447 00:17:22,140 --> 00:17:24,774 Bow, I could use your support right now. 448 00:17:24,776 --> 00:17:27,410 I was trying to support you when I called you at work today, 449 00:17:27,412 --> 00:17:29,412 And my call was rerouted to corporate security. 450 00:17:29,414 --> 00:17:31,313 And they questioned me for like 30 minutes 451 00:17:31,315 --> 00:17:33,449 About my husband's mental state. 452 00:17:33,451 --> 00:17:36,118 Hmm. Weird. Next time, just call my cell. 453 00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:38,788 Ohh. Dre, what happened at work today? 454 00:17:38,790 --> 00:17:41,057 Look, mr. Stevens failed to fully grasp 455 00:17:41,059 --> 00:17:43,559 The irony of my pitch, so we mutually decided 456 00:17:43,561 --> 00:17:45,561 That we would take the weekend to figure out 457 00:17:45,563 --> 00:17:48,798 If...Stevens & lido was still a perfect fit for me. 458 00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:50,599 Still a perfect fit? 459 00:17:50,601 --> 00:17:51,734 Dre? 460 00:17:51,736 --> 00:17:53,769 He's thinking about firing you? 461 00:17:53,771 --> 00:17:55,771 I guess, if you want to oversimplify it like that. 462 00:17:55,773 --> 00:17:58,774 Oh, my god. Dre! There is no winning with you! 463 00:17:58,776 --> 00:18:00,810 You're upset because they gave you the job 464 00:18:00,812 --> 00:18:02,845 If they'd given it to someone white, 465 00:18:02,847 --> 00:18:05,147 You'd be upset they didn't give it to someone black! 466 00:18:05,149 --> 00:18:07,750 This "keeping it real" b.S. Has got to stop. 467 00:18:07,752 --> 00:18:10,086 I'm not gonna have you running around torturing my son. 468 00:18:10,088 --> 00:18:12,488 What was that? What are you wear-- what are you wearing? 469 00:18:12,490 --> 00:18:15,391 Whatever issues you are working through, 470 00:18:15,393 --> 00:18:18,294 You need to get over them -- now. 471 00:18:18,296 --> 00:18:20,162 Okay? 472 00:18:22,833 --> 00:18:24,834 Nice shot. 473 00:18:24,836 --> 00:18:26,669 So much for the johnson family form. 474 00:18:26,671 --> 00:18:28,204 Dad, listen, I get it. 475 00:18:28,206 --> 00:18:30,372 You feel like I'm turning into a white boy. 476 00:18:30,374 --> 00:18:31,507 Mm-hmm. 477 00:18:31,509 --> 00:18:33,209 But I'm not. I'm just being me. 478 00:18:33,211 --> 00:18:35,878 I'm just not quite sure who that is yet. 479 00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:37,580 Son, I realize how difficult it must be 480 00:18:37,582 --> 00:18:39,348 To feel like the different one at school. 481 00:18:39,350 --> 00:18:41,884 But it's also important for you to hold on to your culture 482 00:18:41,886 --> 00:18:43,752 And realize how special it is. 483 00:18:43,754 --> 00:18:46,122 Honestly, the only thing I'm really trying 484 00:18:46,124 --> 00:18:48,224 To hold on to right now is my first boob. 485 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:50,626 I'm a ninth-grader playing varsity. 486 00:18:50,628 --> 00:18:51,794 That means something. 487 00:18:51,796 --> 00:18:54,363 So this was all a part of your plan. 488 00:18:54,365 --> 00:18:55,865 Yeah. Me and the field mob -- 489 00:18:55,867 --> 00:18:58,868 Hey, son, please -- stop calling yourselves that. 490 00:18:58,870 --> 00:18:59,869 Fine. 491 00:18:59,871 --> 00:19:01,904 Me and my boys figured that 492 00:19:01,906 --> 00:19:03,772 If we could just get our foot in the door with other jocks, 493 00:19:03,774 --> 00:19:05,474 We'd really get in there and make some noise. 494 00:19:08,345 --> 00:19:10,913 So, you really do want to play basketball. 495 00:19:10,915 --> 00:19:12,915 Yeah, dad. But I suck at it. 496 00:19:12,917 --> 00:19:15,151 All right, little man, get in the house. 497 00:19:15,153 --> 00:19:16,752 Go. 498 00:19:16,754 --> 00:19:19,755 Who knew? Boy wants to hold a boob. 499 00:19:19,757 --> 00:19:21,757 You can't be mad at him for that. 500 00:19:21,759 --> 00:19:24,760 Hey, pops, how the hell did you keep it real with us 501 00:19:24,762 --> 00:19:26,362 When we were growing up? 502 00:19:26,364 --> 00:19:28,464 I didn't. I kept it honest. 503 00:19:28,466 --> 00:19:30,833 So, I really screwed this up, didn't I? 504 00:19:30,835 --> 00:19:32,535 Screwing things up is just another part 505 00:19:32,537 --> 00:19:35,371 Of what it means to be a father, dre. 506 00:19:35,373 --> 00:19:38,507 It's how you learn to fix things. 507 00:19:38,509 --> 00:19:40,910 Just remember, son, whatever you do, 508 00:19:40,912 --> 00:19:43,913 Make sure it's right for who you are. 509 00:19:43,915 --> 00:19:45,748 If that boy wants a bar mitzvah, 510 00:19:45,750 --> 00:19:47,616 I'm gonna throw that boy a bar mitzvah. 511 00:19:47,618 --> 00:19:49,451 There you go. Mm! 512 00:19:49,453 --> 00:19:50,753 "hold a boob." 513 00:19:54,425 --> 00:19:55,824 ♪ yeah, yeah! ♪ 514 00:19:55,826 --> 00:19:57,960 Ladies and gentlemen, may I present 515 00:19:57,962 --> 00:20:01,764 Andre jr.'s hip-hop bro mitzvah. 516 00:20:01,766 --> 00:20:03,933 ♪ yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ 517 00:20:03,935 --> 00:20:05,668 ♪ let's go ♪ 518 00:20:05,670 --> 00:20:07,636 ♪ now, I say, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ 519 00:20:07,638 --> 00:20:10,773 ♪ shorty got down on me and said, "come and get me" ♪ 520 00:20:10,775 --> 00:20:12,808 ♪ yeah, yeah ♪ 521 00:20:12,810 --> 00:20:15,511 ♪ I got so caught up, I forgot she told me ♪ 522 00:20:15,513 --> 00:20:17,446 ♪ yeah, yeah ♪ 523 00:20:17,448 --> 00:20:19,348 ♪ her and my girl used to be the best of homies ♪ 524 00:20:19,350 --> 00:20:21,550 ♪ yeah, yeah ♪ 525 00:20:21,552 --> 00:20:24,753 ♪ next thing I knew, she was all up on me screamin' ♪ 526 00:20:24,755 --> 00:20:26,755 ♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ 527 00:20:26,757 --> 00:20:28,824 ♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ 528 00:20:28,826 --> 00:20:31,460 ♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ 529 00:20:31,462 --> 00:20:33,929 Sometimes keeping it real means admitting you were wrong 530 00:20:33,931 --> 00:20:37,266 But, as a dad, still finding a way to be right. 531 00:20:37,268 --> 00:20:39,468 Be damned if I'm calling him andy, though. 532 00:20:39,470 --> 00:20:40,436 Ha! 533 00:20:43,873 --> 00:20:45,708 So, that los angeles tourism campaign 534 00:20:45,710 --> 00:20:47,476 Went a lot better once I realized 535 00:20:47,478 --> 00:20:51,313 That "urban" can also mean hip, cool, and colorful, 536 00:20:51,315 --> 00:20:52,881 Just like my family. 537 00:20:58,856 --> 00:21:01,657 So, taking a cue from my very wise son, 538 00:21:01,659 --> 00:21:03,559 I decided to get my foot in the door 539 00:21:03,561 --> 00:21:04,760 And really make some noise. 540 00:21:04,762 --> 00:21:06,729 And, just like that, 541 00:21:06,731 --> 00:21:10,566 I became the svp of stevens & lido's urban division. 542 00:21:10,568 --> 00:21:13,736 Funny thing is -- I didn't feel urban. 543 00:21:13,738 --> 00:21:15,537 I just felt like a dad who was willing 544 00:21:15,539 --> 00:21:17,773 To do whatever he had to for his family. 545 00:21:17,775 --> 00:21:20,643 And isn't that the american dream?