>> Steve: FROM STUDIO 6B IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER IN THE HEART
OF NEW YORK CITY, IT'S "THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON."
TONIGHT JOIN JIMMY AND HIS GUESTS - SARAH SILVERMAN,
LEWIS BLACK, MUSICAL GUEST FONTAINES D.C. AND FEATURING THE LEGENDARY
ROOTS CREW QuestLove: 1582. >> Steve: AND NOW, HERE HE IS,
JIMMY FALLON
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOODNESS. YOU'RE LOOKING GREAT WELCOME EVERYBODY.
WELCOME. ENJOY YOURSELVES WELCOME.
WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME TO "THE TONIGHT SHOW," EVERYBODY. YOU'RE HERE, YOU MADE IT
THANK YOU FOR WATCHING [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE WELL GUYS, TODAY IS NATIONAL
PHARMACIST DAY [ CHEERS ] YEAH
TO CELEBRATE, PHARMACISTS EVERYWHERE WERE LIKE, "A PFIZER SHOT FOR YOU AND A TEQUILA SHOT
FOR ME." [ LAUGHTER ] IF YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING
NICE TO YOUR PHARMACIST, YOU CAN STOP ASKING THEM IF THEY HAVE ANYMORE COVID TESTS IN THE
BACK "EVERYTHING WE HAVE IS OUT." [ LAUGHTER ]
SPEAKING OF COVID TESTS, THE STATE OF FLORIDA LET A MILLION COVID TESTS EXPIRE IN
A WAREHOUSE. [ AUDIENCE GROANS BUT NOW THE FDA HAS DECIDED TO
EXTEND THE EXPIRATION DATES. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE WHEN THEY HEARD THAT, EVERY
NEW YORK HOTDOG VENDOR WAS LIKE, "IS THAT REALLY SAFE TO DO THAT?
BECAUSE -- [ LAUGHTER ] YEAH, THE FDA JUST EXTENDED THE
EXPIRATION DATES WHEN THEY HEARD THAT, THE CDC SAID, "HEY, MAKING UP RULES AS
YOU GO IS OUR THING. [ LAUGHTER ] MEANWHILE, FLORIDA WAS LIKE,
"YOU CAN PUT ANY DATE ON THEM IF YOU WANT, WE'RE STILL NOT GOING TO USE THEM.
WE DON'T CARE. [ LAUGHTER ] NOW GET THIS
I SAW THAT GRADE SCHOOLS IN MASSACHUSETTS ARE USING DOGS TO SNIFF OUT COVID.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] SO IF THE DOG STARTS BARKING, "EITHER YOU HAVE COVID OR
LUNCHABLES." [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE [ GROWLS ]
>> Steve: "BOLOGNA." >> Jimmy: BUT GOOD NEWS, IF THIS WORKS, THE WHITE HOUSE
PLANS TO MAIL EVERYONE IN THE U.S. A COVID DOG THAT'S RIGHT
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE SO, THAT'S KIND OF COOL. YESTERDAY, FORMER PRESIDENT
TRUMP HUNG UP DURING AN INTERVIEW WITH NPR [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
"I'VE HAD ENOUGH." [ LAUGHTER ] AFTER BEING CHALLENGED ON HIS
BASELESS ELECTION FRAUD CLAIMS OF COURSE IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME TRUMP'S HUNG UP ON A PHONE
CALL I MEAN, WE ACTUALLY GOT AHOLD OF SOME AUDIO FROM OTHER ONES.
>> Steve: REALLY >> Jimmy: YEAH, TAKE A LISTEN TO THESE
>> MR. PRESIDENT, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF BEACH BUM TANNING,
YOU'VE BEEN IN THE BED EIGHT HOURS AND WE'RE JUST WONDERING --
[ HANGS UP ] [ LAUGHTER ] >> HELLO
>> MR.PRESIDENT, THIS IS DOMINO'S UNFORTUNATELY, WE'RE OUT OF
CHEESY BREAD, BUT IF YOU'D LIKE TO EXCHANGE THAT FOR MAYBE A A SIDE SALAD WE COULD --
[ HANGS UP ] [ LAUGHTER ] >> HELLO
>> HI DAD, IT'S ERIC [ HANGS UP ] [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: VERY INSTANT >> Steve: WOW. >> Jimmy: QUICK TO THE TRIGGER
ON THAT. >> Steve: WOW. >> Jimmy: SWITCHING GEARS,
RESEARCHERS FOUND THAT NETFLIX HAS CONTINUED TO PRODUCE CONTENT THAT SHOWS PEOPLE
SMOKING, DESPITE MAKING A PLEDGE THAT THEY WOULD STOP. PEOPLE DON'T WANT NETFLIX TO
GLORIFY ADDICTION WHILE THEY WATCH FIVE HOURS OF NETFLIX EVERY NIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ] NETFLIX IS LIKE, "WE HAD A DOLL MOW DOWN 300 PEOPLE IN 'SQUID
GAME.' YOU'RE DRAWING THE LINE AT SMOKING?
[ LAUGHTER ] WELL, LISTEN TO THIS I SAW THAT THE OSCARS ARE GOING
TO HAVE A HOST FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOUR YEARS YEAH, THAT'D BE GREAT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE WELL, IT TURNS OUT A LOT OF CELEBRITIES ARE INTERESTED IN
THE JOB, AND WE ACTUALLY GOT OUR HANDS ON SOME LEAKED AUDIO OF THEIR AUDITIONS
HERE, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
HOSTING THE OSCARS RIGHT NOW
THIS IS SO CRAZY OKAY SO, LIKE, HERE ARE THE NOMINEES
FOR BEST KISS? OH, NO, I DON'T THINK THAT'S AN AWARD.
KISSING'S LIKE PRETTY TIGHT THOUGH [ BEEP ]
>> OH, WOW >> WOW >> WOW, THIS IS JUST -
LOOK AT THESE BRIGHT LIGHTS. >> OH, MY GOD, THOSE LITTLE STATUES, WOW
[ LAUGHTER ] >> WOW [ BEEP ]
>> GREAT TO BE HERE ON HOLLYWOOD'S BIGGEST NIGHT, BROTHER.
I READ ON FACEBOOK THAT WIRELESS PRINTERS GIVE YOU COVID, ALSO THOSE APPLEBEE'S
BUZZERS TOO. ANYWAYS, THE NOMINEES FOR BEST TECHNICAL DIRECTION IN A SHORT
FILM ARE, BROTHER -- [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: WOW.
SOME BUSINESS NEWS APPARENTLY, DIRECTV AND DISH NETWORK ARE ONCE AGAIN IN TALKS
TO MERGE YEAH, IT'S TAKEN AWHILE TO REACH A DEAL BECAUSE NEITHER OF
THEM WORK WHEN IT'S RAINING. [ LAUGHTER ] THAT'S RIGHT
DIRECTV AND DISH NETWORK MIGHT MERGE. AND IF THEY DO, MAYBE THEY'LL
BE NAMED "FORBES" MOST POWERFUL COMPANY OF 2003. [ LAUGHTER ]
I SAW THAT, THIS WEEK, POPE FRANCIS WENT TO A RECORD SHOP IN DOWNTOWN ROME AND BOUGHT
A CD [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] YEAH, I GUESS HE'S A BIG MUSIC
FAN. CAN WE SEE HIM I GUESS HE LISTENED TO HIS CD
ON THE DRIVE HOME. * A-B-C-D-E-F-U * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: WOW, INTERESTING HE LIKES THAT? I LIKE GAYLE, TOO.
HEY, I HEARD THAT DOMINO'S SAID THIS YEAR IT'S EXPECTING UNPRECEDENTED FOOD COST
INCREASES. MEANWHILE, PAPA JOHNS WAS LIKE, "AS LONG AS KETCHUP PRICES STAY
LOW, WE'RE FINE. [ AUDIENCE OOHS [ LAUGHTER ]
OH, COME ON, HE'S NOT WATCHING [ LAUGHTER ] AND FINALLY, A PUB OWNER IN
IRELAND IS SO TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT COVID THAT HE'S MAKING ANY CUSTOMER WHO MENTIONS THE
VIRUS PUT TWO EUROS IN THE COVID JAR. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE OTHER COVID JAR, A BOWL OF COMMUNAL PEANUTS
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW, EVERYONE GIVE IT UP FOR THE ROOTS
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: WHAT A SHOW WE HAVE
FOR YOU TONIGHT. SHE IS THE HOST OF "THE SARAH SILVERMAN PODCAST," AND
YOU CAN SEE HER IN THE NEW FILM, "MARRY ME," WHICH IS IN THEATERS FEBRUARY 11th
THE VERY FUNNY SARAH SILVERMAN IS JOINING US! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
I LOVE SARAH SILVERMAN IT'S A FUNNY SHOW. WE HAVE A FUNNY SHOW
PLUS, HIS GRAMMY-NOMINATED STAND-UP SPECIAL "THANKS FOR RISKING YOUR LIFE" IS AVAILABLE
NOW, AND YOU CAN CATCH HIM LIVE ON HIS "OFF THE RAILS" TOUR. LEWIS BLACK IS HERE!
>> Steve: COME ON. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE COME ON.
LOVE THAT MAN! >> Jimmy: AND WE GOT GREAT MUSIC FROM FONTAINES D.C.!
>> Steve: WHOA [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: GUYS, IT IS TIME FOR
OUR LATEST INSTALLMENT OF "TONIGHT SHOW POLLS. HERE WE GO
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: LET'S CHECK OUT THIS
FIRST POLL THIS FIRST POLL ASKED, "IF YOU'RE A PARENT, HOW ARE YOU
HANDLING SCHOOL CLOSINGS?" 50% SAID, "GETTING MY KIDS SET UP ON ZOOM."
30% SAID, "IN-PERSON TUTORING. 20% SAID, "WINE. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I'M SURPRISED IT'S THAT LOW. >> Steve: THAT'LL DO IT, YEAH. >> Jimmy: YEAH, THE NEXT POLL
ASKED, "HOW ARE YOU TESTING FOR COVID? 64% SAID, "USING AT-HOME RAPID
TESTS. 32% SAID, "GETTING A PCR AT MY DOCTOR'S OFFICE.
4% SAID, "SHOVING A Q-TIP UP MY NOSE, RUBBING IT ON A PREGNANCY TEST, AND HOPING FOR THE BEST.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE >> Steve: FLORIDA. >> Jimmy: THIS NEXT POLL SAID,
"WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING ON NETFLIX? 10% SAID, "'QUEER EYE.'"
10% SAID, "'EMILY IN PARIS.' 80% SAID, "MY OWN REFLECTION WHILE I SCROLL THROUGH TIKTOK.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE THIS NEXT ONE ASKED, "HOW DID YOU FEEL AFTER YOUR BOOSTER
SHOT?" 50% SAID, "I FELT NORMAL." 49% SAID, "I FELT A LITTLE
ACHY." THE CEO OF PFIZER SAID, "I PFELT PERPFECTLY PFINE."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: THIS NEXT ONE ASKED, "WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO MAKE
YOUR HOME ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM FEEL LIKE A MOVIE THEATER? 12% SAID, "GET A WIDESCREEN
TV." 23% SAID, "BUY A COMFORTABLE RECLINER."
65% SAID, "HIRE A STRANGER TO SIT NEXT TO YOU AND SUCK ON A MILK DUD TOO LOUDLY.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE >> Steve: "YOU LIKING THE MOVIE?
>> Jimmy: "CAN I GET ONE OF THOSE? >> Steve: "SURE.
I GOT TWO PACKS. >> Jimmy: EVERY TIME WE WOULD GO TO THE MOVIES WITH MY MOM,
SHE WOULD SNEAK IN CANDY, AND IT WAS JUST LIKE THE LOUDEST CANDY YOU COULD EVER SNEAK IN
ANYWHERE [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] IT WAS JUST LIKE WRAPPING AND
UNWRAPPING, AND I GO, "WHAT IS YOUR THING." AND THEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN, I
HEARD HER GO LIKE -- [ MIMICKING SELTZER OPENING SHE HAD LIKE A TWO LITER BOTTLE
OF SELTZER OR SOMETHING. [ LAUGHTER ] "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> Steve: "SAVING MONEY, MAN." >> Jimmy: "HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR BURGER
>> Steve: YOU COOKING STUFF? >> Jimmy: "YEAH, I'M -- HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR BURGER
MEDIUM?" >> Steve: "I GOT A FONDUE POT FOR NACHOS."
>> Jimmy: THIS NEXT POLL ASKED, "HAVE YOU PLAYED THE NEW GAME WORDLE
ISN'T IT SO MUCH FUN?" 25% SAID, "MAYBE." 25% SAID, "GRAVE."
25% SAID, "AGAVE." 25% SAID, "AGREE." YEAH, WE DID IT!
>> Steve: YEAH [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: NEXT POLL ASKED,
"WHAT RATING WOULD YOU GIVE THE WEEKND'S NEW ALBUM?" 100% SAID, "TN OUT OF TN."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE THAT WAS A THINKER, KIND OF, YEAH
>> Steve: IT'S A THINKER, NOT A STINKER. >> Jimmy: YEAH
THIS LAST POLL ASKED, "WHAT ANGERS YOU THE MOST? 60% SAID, "POLITICS.
39% SAID, "TAXES." ELMO SAID, "ROCKS CAN'T EAT COOKIES.
THERE YOU GO, EVERYBODY. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE THAT'S ALL WE HAVE FOR "TONIGHT
SHOW POLLS." STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH "BATTLE OF THE
INSTANT SONGWRITERS" COME ON BACK [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
HERE AT "THE TONIGHT SHOW," WE LOVE SONGS AND WE ESPECIALLY LOVE SONGS
WRITTEN BY OUR AUDIENCE MEMBERS IN UNDER AN HOUR IT'S TIME FOR "BATTLE OF THE
INSTANT SONGWRITERS. HERE WE GO
* SOMETHING SUNG * * AND SINGING THE SON AND I'M WRITING THE SONG
ABOUT ANOTHER SONG * >> Jimmy: WELCOME TO "BATTLE OF THE INSTANT SONGWRITERS.
BEFORE THE SHOW WE WENT THROUGH OUR AUDIENCE AND PICKED OUT TWO PEOPLE WHO SAID THEY WERE
MUSICIANS. WE GAVE THEM EACH A MADE-UP SONG TITLE AND GAVE THEM AN
HOUR TO WRITE AN ORIGINAL SONG BASED ON THAT TITLE. HERE'S A SHOT OF THEM
PRACTICING BACKSTAGE A MINUTE AGO. OH, THEY'RE BOTH PLAYING THE
PIANO. I THOUGHT THEY WERE TYPING OUT THEIR WORDS.
LET'S SEE WHAT THEY CAME UP WITH LET'S MET THEM RIGHT NOW
COME ON OVER, GUYS HEY, WELCOME TO THE SHOW HI
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE OH, WE'RE DOING THE ELBOWS, IS THAT WHAT WE'RE DOING?
HI >> YEAH. >> Jimmy: PERFECT.
WELCOME, THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE THANK YOU FOR DOING THIS
I KNOW YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE GOING TO BE ON THE SHOW. BUT HERE YOU ARE, ON THE SHOW.
LET'S START WITH CONTESTANT NUMBER ONE WHAT IS YOUR NAME AND WHERE ARE
YOU FROM >> I'M KIMBERLY DeNARO I'M FROM MASSACHUSETTS
>> Jimmy: YEAH, COME ON! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE KIMBERLY, WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
>> THANKS. >> Jimmy: WHAT WAS THE TITLE OF THE SONG THAT YOU WERE GIVEN
>> "I'M SCARED OF MY ROOMBA. >> Jimmy: SOUNDS LIKE A HIT. WHAT INSTRUMENT WILL YOU BE
PLAYING? >> THE PIANO >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, VERY NICE
WHY DON'T YOU HEAD OVER THERE AND GET YOURSELF READY TO GO AND WE'LL GET HERE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE GET READY TO GO. WHAT WAS THE NAME AGAIN?
"I'M SCARED OF MY ROOMBA?" YEAH, THAT'S PRETTY FUNNY. ALL RIGHT, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, HERE TO PERFORM THE WORLD PREMIERE OF THE SOON-TO-BE CLASSIC "I'M SCARED
OF MY ROOMBA," IT'S KIM DeNARO
*
* IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGH I SAW IT GLIDING LIKE A GHOST *
* A SQUEAKY SHADO CRASHING INTO THE CORNER * * DEVOURING EVERY CRUMB
IN ITS PATH * * I TOLD MYSELF OH DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT*
* IT'S PROBABLY JUST A RA BUT WORSE * * IT WA
THE ROOMBA NO * * I'M SCARED OF MY ROOMBA
I LIVE WITH A ROBOT * * THAT MEMORIZED THE LAYOUT OF MY ROOM *
* BECAUSE I WAS TOO LAZY TO VACUUM * * I TOOK THE BATTERY OU
BUT IT'S POSSESSED * * A HOCKEY PUCK OF SUCTIO CONTINUING TO CLEAN *
* WHILE PLOTTIN MY ABDUCTION * * IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIM
BEFORE THE MACHINE TAKE OVER * * AND I CAN'T SPEAK
THE LANGUAGE O VROOM VROOM * * BUT THE ROOMBA OF DOOMB
WITH IT'S STOMAC FULL OF DUST * * IS A ROBOT THAT
I'LL NEVER TRUST * * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: KIM DeNARO COME OVER. KIM DeNARO
[ APPLAUSE ] YOU WROTE A LEGIT SONG VERY FUNNY
THANK YOU, KIM ALL RIGHT. LET'S MEET CONTESTANT NUMBER
TWO. WHAT IS YOUR NAME, AND WHERE ARE YOU FROM
>> MY NAME'S RYDER CHASIN, AND I'M FROM CONNECTICUT [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: YEAH, RYDER CHASIN FROM CONNECTICUT THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE,
RYDER. RYDER, TELL EVERYONE WHAT YOUR SONG TITLE WAS
>> YEAH, THEY GAVE ME "I BOUGHT AN OFF-BRAND RAPID TEST. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I FEEL LIKE I'VE HEARD THAT SONG BEFORE THIS IS AMAZING.
YOU WILL BE PLAYING PIANO AS WELL >> THE ELECTRIC ORGAN ON THE
KEYBOARD >> Jimmy: OH, I'M SO SORRY YEAH
>> YEAH. >> Jimmy: THANKS FOR CORRECTING ME
I APPRECIATE IT. >> PLEASE, YEAH. >> Jimmy: NO, PLEASE, GO GET
READY TO DO YOUR - >> OH, THANK YOU >> Jimmy: GO BY YOUR ELECTRIC
ORGAN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THAT'S SO FUNNY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GET READY FOR THE WORLD PREMIERE OF, "I BOUGHT ON OFF-BRAND RAPID
TEST," DONE ON THE ELECTRIC ORGAN BY RYDER CHASIN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * WANTED TO GO UPSTAT SO I HAD TO VALIDATE
THAT I DIDN'T HAVE THE COV * * CVS WAS OUT OF STOC SO I TRAVELE
DOWN THE BLOCK * * AND INTO TH DOLLAR STORE I DOVE *
* I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN WHEN THEY SOLD IT * * NEXT TO STAPLES
AND LOOSE SCREWS * * I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN WHEN THE NASAL SWAB SAID
WARNING SLIGHTLY USED * * I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN 'CAUSE THE BRAND
WAS SOMETHING * I HAD NEVER SEEN * * AND RIGHT ON THE PACKAG
IT SAID COVID-17 * [ LAUGHTER ] * GOT NO CLUE I
I'VE GOT THE RONA * * GUESS I'M STAYING HOME ALONE *
* BECAUSE I BOUGHT AN OFF-BRAND RAPID TEST * * 'CAUSE I BROUGHT AN
UNPLANNED LEGALLY BANNED OFF-BRAND RAPID TEST * *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: WOW! GIVE IT UP FOR RYDER CHASIN!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, RYDER NOW IT IS TIME TO SEE WHO WON. WE'RE GOING TO LET OUR GREAT
AUDIENCE DECIDE THE WINNER WAS IT KIM DeNARO? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
OR WAS IT RYDER CHASIN [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE THE WINNER IS
RYDER CHASIN CONGRATULATIONS RYDER! *
RYDER. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU WILL BE GOING HOME WITH $1,000
YEAH AND A "TONIGHT SHOW" NOTEBOOK FOR WRITING MORE SONGS
THERE YOU GO, CONGRATULATIONS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE NO -- NO ONE GOES HOME EMPTY
HANDED YOU WILL ALSO BE GETTING A A NOTEBOOK WITH $1,000
KIM -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THANK YOU FOR DOING THAT, I
APPRECIATE IT. GIVE IT UP FOR OUR TWO INSTANT SONGWRITERS.
THANK YOU FOR DOING THAT THAT WAS AMAZING STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK WITH SARAH SILVERMAN, EVERYBODY! COME ON BACK
* >> Jimmy: OUR FIRST GUEST IS AN EMMY-WINNING COMEDIAN AND THE
HOST OF "THE SARAH SILVERMAN PODCAST. YOU CAN ALSO SEE HER IN THE NEW
FILM, "MARRY ME," IN THEATERS AND STREAMING ON PEACOCK FEBRUARY 11th.
HERE IS SARAH SILVERMAN!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* >> Jimmy: HI YEAH
>> YEAH! >> Jimmy: CAN YOU FEEL THE LOVE FROM -- FROM NEW YORK FOR
SARAH SILVERMAN? >> HI. >> Jimmy: HI, BUD.
>> I BROUGHT YOU -- I BROUGHT YOU A GIFT >> Jimmy: OH, YOU -- THANK YOU
[ LAUGHTER ] >> YEAH, BECAUSE IT -- IT'S CLOSE TO VALENTINE'S DAY AND
THE MOVIE, "MARRY ME," COMES OUT ON VALENTINE'S DAY >> Jimmy: YEAH
>> AND I KNOW YOU LIKE CHOCOLATE. >> Jimmy: I DO
>> AND SO I THOUGHT I'D JUST GIVE YOU THIS, BUT I -- I'M NOT THERE, I REALIZED.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, I THOUGHT SOMEONE WAS GOING TO BRING IT OUT TO ME OR SOMETHING, BUT NO
[ LAUGHTER ] YEAH >> NO.
>> I'LL JUST -- JUST, LIKE, ASMR IT. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: NO OH, MY GOSH. >> OH, MY GOD.
>> Jimmy: OH, PLEASE WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS? IT'S THE THOUGHT -
>> I DON'T WHY YOU WOULD LOVE THIS [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS? IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS, SARAH.
[ LAUGHTER ] HOW MANY CHOCOLATES ARE >> I ONLY ATE ONE, BUT THEN IT WAS
LIKE, "CAN'T SWALLOW IT WHOLE. >> Jimmy: THAT'S TRUE, YEAH. >> YOU HAVE TO SAVOR IT.
>> Jimmy: NO, YOU HAVE TO SAVOR IT >> GO ON, GO ON.
I'LL BE READY. >> Jimmy: YOU'RE BACK TO DOING STAND-UP, WHICH I'M EXCITED
ABOUT. WHAT THINGS ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT NOW IN YOUR -- IN YOUR
ACT? >> CAN I JUST DO A BIT THAT ISN'T EVEN A BIT
>> Jimmy: YEAH >> I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS >> Jimmy: OKAY
I LOVE THIS. >> IT'S SOMETHING LIKE -- IF YOU WENT UP TO SOMEBODY, LIKE,
YOU WALKED UP TO A STRANGER, AND YOU COULD SAY SOMETHING LIKE, "HI, YOU DON'T KNOW ME --
THIS IS SO WEIRD BUT I -- SOMEBODY YOU LOVE WHO HAS PASSED AWAY WANTS YOU TO
KNOW IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT?" [ LAUGHTER ] I MEAN --
>> Jimmy: THAT'S FANTASTIC >> I JUST THINK IT'S INTERESTING.
>> Jimmy: WOW. THEY'RE STRANGERS. >> BECAUSE -- JIMMY, IT'S
A LIE. BUT IT'S ALSO, LIKE, THE TRUTH YOU KNOW
THERE ISN'T ANYBODY WHO THAT WOULDN'T BE VERY MOVING AND, LIKE, RELEASE THEM FROM
BURDENS. BUT IT IS A LIE. [ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH >> Jimmy: YOU'RE ALLEVING PEOPLE FROM THE GUILT.
I THINK IT'S FANTASTIC AND I THINK IT'S -- I THINK IT'S A GOOD BIT.
ARE YOU -- ARE YOU DOING ANY -- >> JOKING.
>> Jimmy: ARE YOU DOING ANY JOKE -- LIKE, SPECIFIC "JOKE" JOKES?
>> OOH, I WROTE A LIKE, JOKEY JOKE LIKE A -- LIKE A JOKE BOOK KIND
OF JOKE. >> Jimmy: I LOVE THIS. I WANT TO HEAR THIS.
>> THANK YOU >> Jimmy: YES, WE LOVE THIS. >> OKAY.
WHAT DID THE JEWISH MOTHER SAY TO HER PORN STAR DAUGHTER AFTER WATCHING HER IN A GANG BANG?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: WHAT >> YOU WERE THE BEST ONE
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOODNESS. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU WERE THE BEST ONE I JUST LOVE THAT STEREOTYPE, YOU KNOW
THAT JEWISH MOTHERS ARE JUST SO BANANAS FOR THEIR KIDS >> Jimmy: THEY REALLY ARE.
>> MY SHARON, ANYWHERE YOU COULD FIT A SCHMEKEL, THERE WAS SCHMEKEL
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: OKAY >> TOP OF HER KNEE, A SCHMEK --
SCHMEKEL ON HER FOREHEAD A SCHMEKEL YOU EVER SEEN A SCHMEKEL ON AN
ELBOW? THE LEFT ONE, A DOCTOR >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOSH.
TOO MUCH [ LAUGHTER ] I THOUGHT I REALLY CLEANED IT
UP FOR THIS. >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOSH. UNBELIEVABLE
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE APPLAUSE BREAK
APPLAUSE BREAK THROUGH ZOOM. YOU DO A THING ON YOUR PODCAST WHERE YOU GIVE ADVICE TO
LISTENERS. AND I LOVE THAT PART OF YOUR PODCAST.
HAVE YOU ALWAYS GIVEN ADVICE TO PEOPLE ARE YOU GOOD AT THAT
MAYBE YOU HAVE ALWAYS DONE THAT >> YEAH, I THINK SO.
I -- YEAH. I MEAN, I WAS JUST IN NEW YORK MY BEST FRIEND, HEIDI, LIVES IN
NEW YORK YOU'VE MET HER, ACTUALLY AND SHE LOVES YOU.
AND SHE WAS LIKE, "I'VE HAD DIARRHEA FOR, LIKE, THREE DAYS I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] AND THEN -- YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE IN NEW YORK, SHE HAD ME
GO INTO HER BACKPACK SHE WAS LIKE, "GET MY WATER OUT OF MY BACKPACK."
>> Jimmy: YEAH >> AND I GET HER WATER OUT SHE HAS, LIKE, HALF A BAG OF
PRUNES IN HER BACKPACK [ LAUGHTER ] I WAS LIKE, "HEIDI, I SOLVED
THE CASE YOU'RE EATING PRUNES." >> Jimmy: YEAH, EXACTLY.
>> SHE'S LIKE, "THEY'RE NOT PRUNES." AND SHE POINTED TO IT.
SHE GOES, "THEY'RE DRIED PLUMS. [ LAUGHTER ]
I SAID, "WHAT DO YOU THINK PRUNES ARE?" SHE'S LIKE, "ARE THEY DRIED
PLUMS? [ LAUGHTER ] YEAH -- SHE'S A THERAPIST, BY
THE WAY, JUST WANT TO POINT THAT OUT BUT --
>> Jimmy: IS THAT -- >> I GET IT. LIKE, BIG PRUNE WAS PROBABLY
LIKE, "WE NEED TO REBRAND. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: BIG PRUNE.
>> PEOPLE HEAR "PRUNE. THEY THINK DIARRHEA, SO, YEAH. >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOSH.
>> CALL YOURSELVES "DRIED PLUMS. >> Jimmy: YEAH, COME ON.
>> BUT I THINK THEY SHOULD CALL -- BE CALLED "DRIED PLUMS," BUT IT SHOULD COME WITH
A WARNING THAT SAYS LIKE, WARNING -- >> Jimmy: THESE ARE ACTUALLY
PRUNES >> THESE ARE PRUNES. >> Jimmy: YES, OF COURSE
[ LAUGHTER ] BIG PRUNE IS TAKING OVER IT'S SO SAD TO SEE THAT HAPPEN
>> BIG PRUNE >> Jimmy: I WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR MOVIE, "MARRY ME.
THE BUZZ IS THIS IS GOING TO BE -- THIS IS GOING TO BRING BACK THE ROM-COM
YOU'RE SAVING THE ROMANTIC COMEDY >> THANK YOU
>> Jimmy: SARAH SILVERMAN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE IT'S -- YOU GOT JENNIFER LOPEZ
ANYTHING JENNIFER LOPEZ IS IN A MOVIE, I'M THERE JENNIFER LOPEZ --
>> SAME. >> Jimmy: I MEAN, HOW FUN IS IT
HOW -- SHE'S JUST THE GREATEST >> AND SHE'S -- BY THE WAY, LIKE, YOU KNOW, YOU SEE HER ON
INSTAGRAM. YOU SEE HER ON TV AND IN MOVIES
AND THEY HAVE FILTERS AND THEY DO BEAUTY WORK AND YEAH, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL, BUT
IN PERSON -- >> Jimmy: IN REAL LIFE OH, STUNNER.
>> SHE'S A MONSTER >> Jimmy: SHE IS >> NO, SHE IS SO BEAUTIFUL
>> Jimmy: SHE IS SO STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL. >> I MEAN, I LOOK AT HER THIS
CLOSE AND I'M JUST LIKE, "HOW? [ LAUGHTER ] "HOW IS IT POSSIBLE?
>> Jimmy: AND SHE CAN SING AND SHE CAN DANCE. AND SHE CAN -- YOU -- YOU DO
THAT >> AMAZING SINGER, AMAZING DANCER
>> Jimmy: YOU GOT TO DANCE WITH HER. >> AWESOME ACTOR
I LOVE HER MOVIES. >> Jimmy: YEAH >> ANYTIME HER MOVIE IS ON,
I'M -- I STAY THERE. SHE'S JUST -- SHE'S ELECTRIC AND THEN THERE'S OWEN WILSON,
WHO IS ANOTHER FAVORITE, I MEAN, BUT SO DIFFERENT, SUCH A A DIFFERENT REALM.
[ CHEERS ] LIKE, HIS WRITING, HIS COMEDY, HIS BEAUTIFUL ACTING
AND THEY'RE SO DIFFERENT, BUT IT'S LIKE, ELECTRIC, YOU KNOW? >> Jimmy: YEAH
>> IT REALLY IS. IT IS BRINGING BACK THE ROM-COM.
I THINK YOU'RE SO RIGHT. >> Jimmy: I WANT TO SHOW EVERYONE A CLIP.
HERE'S SARAH SILVERMAN, JENNIFER LOPEZ AND OWEN WILSON IN "MARRY ME."
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
>> OH SHE'S RIGHT THERE, JESUS
>> COME ON, MY GUYS. CHARLIE, KAT KAT, CHARLIE
>> HI. >> HOW ARE YOU >> I'M PARKER, I'M -- I AM THE
ONE WHO BROUGHT CHARLIE TO THE CONCERT. >> SURE.
>> AND I'M BASICALLY -- I GUESS I'M RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS WHOLE THING.
>> HI PARKER >> HEY, KAT. >> HI.
>> WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR FOR JUST TWO SECONDS AND JUST SAY, "ROXY REALLY BLEW IT"?
>> "TODAY SHOW" IS A GO AT 10:00 ON TUESDAY THEY WANT TO --
>> CHARLIE >> CHARLIE IN STUDIO AND KAT REMOTE FROM LONDON
EXCUSE ME ONE SECOND I JUST HAVE TO TAKE -- >> BYE KAT
>> SHE'S LIKE A REAL PERSON. >> WHAT'S GOING ON >> Jimmy: SHE'S A REAL PERSON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE YOU BLEW IT ROXY SARAH SILVERMAN, EVERYBODY
"MARRY ME" IS IN THEATERS AND STREAMING ON PEACOCK FEBRUARY 11th.
WHO KILLS ON ZOOM? WHO KILLS ON ZOOM? >> IS IT ME?
>> Jimmy: LEWIS BLACK JOINS US AFTER THE BREAK! STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, SARAH SILVERMAN [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
>> Jimmy: OUR NEXT GUEST IS A VERY, VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN. HIS GRAMMY-NOMINATED SPECIAL,
"THANKS FOR RISKING YOUR LIFE," IS AVAILABLE ON ALL DIGITAL PLATFORMS.
AND YOU CAN CATCH HIM LIVE ON HIS "OFF THE RAILS" TOUR LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE
WELCOME THE ONE AND ONLY LEWIS BLACK!
* * >> Jimmy: YOU LOOK GREAT, THANK
YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE >> WELL, YOU KNOW, I DON'T HAVE A LIFE
[ LAUGHTER ] IT REALLY BOILS DOWN TO THAT AND I'M, LIKE, SIX BLOCKS AWAY
>> Jimmy: YEAH >> SO THIS IS GREAT. >> Jimmy: OH, PERFECT.
>> YEAH. >> Jimmy: YOU WERE TELLING ME BACKSTAGE YOU GOT TO VISIT YOUR
MOM. >> I DID SHE'S -- MY MOM IS 103
LOOK AT THIS [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
AND SHE SAYS SHE'S NOT A DAY OVER 97. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OH, WOW. HOW IS SHE FEELING HOW SHE FEELING?
SHE FEELS GOOD >> SHE'S FEELING -- NO, SHE'S FEELING -- YOU KNOW.
LOOK, SHE'S 103 AND IT'S A A BLESSING THAT -- >> Jimmy: YEAH
>> THAT WE'RE -- YOU KNOW, THAT MANY PEOPLE SAY THAT IT IS THAT I'VE GOTTEN TO SPEND THIS
MUCH TIME WITH HER THAT'S TREMENDOUS, YOU KNOW THAT
>> Jimmy: YEAH, ABSOLUTELY [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE AMAZING.
>> BUT SHE'S 103 [ LAUGHTER ] SO SOMETIMES SHE'S HERE,
SOMETIMES SHE'S THERE. AND I'M -- I'M EXTREMELY -- SHE DOESN'T -- SHE DOESN'T HAVE
ALZHEIMER'S. >> Jimmy: NO >> NO DEMENTIA
>> Jimmy: GREAT. >> SHE HAS SOMETHING THAT DOCTORS HAVEN'T DIAGNOSED.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] SHE JUST MAKES STUFF UP. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S -- IT'S INTERESTING, YOU KNOW? MANY -- YOU KNOW, YOU GOT
BRANSON AND BEZOS AND MUSK ALL SPENT BILLIONS AND BILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO GET OUT INTO SPACE,
WHERE -- WHERE SHE'S OUT THERE, LITERALLY, FOUR OR FIVE TIMES A DAY.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND THEY'RE -- THEY'RE SPENDING THAT KIND OF MONEY
AND I -- I CALL WHERE SHE'S LIVING, HER "ASSISTED LIVING HOME."
IT'S A LAUNCH PAD. [ LAUGHTER ] AND SHE'S ABLE TO -- SHE'S
DOING THIS NOT ON -- ON PENNIES REALLY, BECAUSE SHE'S ABLE TO DO THIS.
HER FUEL IS ACTUALLY OATMEAL [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: THEY CAN -- THEY
COULD SAVE A LOT OF MONEY. >> YEAH, EXACTLY >> Jimmy: IT'S RIDICULOUS.
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT YOUR STAND-UP. THE "OFF THE RAILS" STAND-UP
TOUR, RIGHT NOW, TICKETS ARE AVAILABLE AT LEWISBLACK.COM. BUT THIS IS -- YOU'RE ONE OF MY
FAVORITE STAND-UPS AND THEN WENT THROUGH 500 DAYS OF NOT DOING ANYTHING.
YOU WERE IN LOCKDOWN >> YEAH. HERE'S ONE THING YOU LEARN IN
LOCKDOWN IS THAT SOLITARY CONFINEMENT IS A PUNISHMENT. [ LAUGHTER ]
BECAUSE YOUR BRAIN CAN ONLY GO THROUGH SO MANY THINGS AND ONCE IT'S FINISHED GOING
THROUGH THOSE THINGS A LOT, IT COMES AFTER YOU. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: IT'S TRUE. >> YOU KNOW, AND SOME PEOPLE WOULD DO ZOOM COMEDY AND STUFF
>> Jimmy: YOU DIDN'T DO THAT >> NO! [ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S LIKE A PSYCHIATRIC TEST YOU'RE LOOKING AT WALL OF PEOPLE
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE WATCHING "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES." I DON'T NEED THAT.
>> Jimmy: YOUR SPECIAL, "THANKS FOR RISKING YOUR LIFE," JUST GOT NOMINATED FOR A GRAMMY
CONGRATULATIONS ON THAT. >> THANK YOU [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH THE TITLE, "THANKS FOR RISKING YOUR LIFE"
>> WELL, WE WERE ON TOUR, AND IT WAS THE LAST DAY. LITERALLY, WE WERE GOING INTO
LOCKDOWN I KNEW WE WERE GOING INTO A LOCKDOWN BECAUSE MY FRIEND,
KATHLEEN MADIGAN, ANOTHER GREAT COMIC. >> Jimmy: I LOVE
KATHLEEN MADIGAN SHE IS GREAT >> AND MY -- AND MYSELF HAD
BEEN TRACKING THE VIRUS. LIKE, WE WERE THE FAUCI AND BIRX OF THE COMEDY WORLD
WE KNEW AS MUCH AS COULD BE POSSIBLE SO I KNEW THAT THINGS WERE
GOING TO BE HAPPENING. AND SO, THEY HAD ALREADY - LITERALLY, THEY WERE GETTING
READY TO LOCK EVERYTHING UP. AND SO, THIS WAS - I KNEW THIS WAS OUR LAST SHOW.
AND I KNEW THAT I'D BE GOING HOME AFTER THIS SHOW AND I THOUGHT, "WOW -- ALL
THESE 1,500 PEOPLE IN THE ROOM - >> Jimmy: YEAH
>> CLOSE TOGETHER. AND I KNEW WHAT THAT MEANT AND I SAID, "WHEW.
I SAID, "WHAT," YOU KNOW, THAT THING YOU SAY AS A COMIC, "I REALLY KILLED THEM?"
>> Jimmy: YEAH >> YOU KNOW? WELL, YOU KNOW, WHAT IF I DID?
>> Jimmy: MY GOD [ LAUGHTER ] >> SO, I WAS KIND OF FREAKED
>> Jimmy: YEAH >> AND I WALKED OUT ON STAGE AND I LOOKED AT THESE PEOPLE
AND ALL I COULD THINK WAS -- AND I HAD NO OPENING LINE. IS YOU COULD TELL A LOT OF THE
STUFF THAT I'M SAYING TO YOU, IT SOUNDS LIKE I JUST -- THOUGHT OF IT.
SO I WALKED OUT, AND I WENT "THANKS FOR RISKING YOUR LIFE. AND THEY WENT NUTS
[ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: IT'S PERFECT
AND IT'S -- IT WAS TRUE, ACTUALLY I WANT TO SHOW EVERYONE A CLIP
HERE'S LEWIS BLACK IN "THANKS FOR RISKING YOUR LIFE. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
BECAUSE IT'S HARD TO BE FUNNY NOW.
YOU KNOW -- YOU KNOW WHY BECAUSE IT'S HARD TO BE FUNNY WHEN EVERYTHING'S GOING SO
GREAT. [ LAUGHTER ] IT'S JUST HARD TO BE FUNNY WHEN
EVERYBODY IS SO [ BLEEP ] HAPPY. [ LAUGHTER ]
I TRAVEL EVERYWHERE AND, YOU KNOW, EVERYWHERE I GO, I KNOW IT SEEMS ODD, BUT THEY'RE
SMILING EAR TO [ BLEEP ] EAR IT'S LIKE EVERYBODY'S ON ECSTASY.
IT IS LIKE WANDERING THROUGH A A GREAT BIG CHRISTIAN CAMP AND AS A JEW, LET ME TELL YOU
HOW [ BLEEP ] EXHAUSTING THAT IS [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEER AND APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: "THANKS FOR RISKING YOUR LIFE" IS AVAILABLE ON ALL
DIGITAL PLATFORMS. WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'RE PLAYING "WHEEL OF OPINIONS"
WITH LEWIS BLACK STICK AROUND [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK WE'RE HERE WITH LEWIS BLACK,
RIGHT NOW. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE NOW, LEWIS, YOU'RE A GREAT
COMEDIAN WHO IS KNOWN FOR YOUR STRONG OPINIONS ABOUT ALL KINDS OF DIFFERENT TOPICS.
SO WITH THAT IN MIND, IT'S TIME TO PLAY A GAME WE CALL "WHEEL OF OPINIONS.
HERE WE GO
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: NOW, HERE'S HOW IT WORKS. I'M GONNA HIT THIS BUTTON HERE
WHICH WILL ACTIVATE AN OPINION TOPIC GENERATOR. >> OKAY.
>> Jimmy: IT'LL LAND ON A RANDOM TOPIC AND WHATEVER IT IS, YOU JUST GIVE YOUR OPINION
ON IT. >> NO PROBLEM. >> Jimmy: HERE WE GO
LET'S DO THIS. HERE WE GO [ BEEPING
>> OH, COOKING FOR YOURSELF. THAT'S -- LOOK, YOU DON'T COOK FOR YOURSELF
OKAY [ LAUGHTER ] BECAUSE THAT'S THE ROAD TO
INSANITY [ LAUGHTER ] I'LL TELL YOU WHY.
>> Jimmy: YEAH >> FRACTIONS [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
OKAY ANY RECIPE IS FOR A FAMILY -- A NICE FAMILY OF FOUR, NOT FOR
SOME MISERABLE AGING PRICK [ LAUGHTER ] YOU GOT TO TAKE 1/16th OF
A THING OF CUMIN THAT'S NOT -- THAT'S A FORMULA FOR A STROKE
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE [DINGS ] >> Jimmy: TOO MUCH MATH.
TOO MUCH MATH. HERE WE GO [ BEEPING
>> WHO WROTE THE MUSIC OH, VACCINES OH
OOH. I'LL TELL YOU THIS, I'VE BEEN TRIPLE VAXXED, AND IF I CAN
FILL MY BATHTUB EVERY DAY WITH THE VACCINE, I'D HOP RIGHT IN IT
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I WOULD WASH MYSELF IN THE VACCINE.
I GOT NO PROBLEM WITH IT LOOK, WE LIVE IN A COUNTRY -- I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE
DON'T DO IT. THEY'RE TAKING SUPPLEMENTS WE'D SCARF THEM DOWN
WE SPEND BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WE EAT THEM -- WE EAT SUPPLEMENTS LIKE THEY'RE CANDY
CBD OIL FOR GOD'S SAKE IT COMES FROM A WEED AT THE SIDE OF THE ROAD
[ LAUGHTER ] AND PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "OH, CHUGGY, CHUG, CHUG."
I TAKE SOMETHING CALLED ASHWAGANDHA. IT'S AN HERB THAT COMES FROM
INDIA. IT'S SUPPOSED TO CALM YOU DOWN DOING A GREAT JOB.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ DINGS >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOD
[ BEEPING >> OH, BEAN BAG CHAIRS IF YOU BUY A BEAN BAG CHAIR,
SOMETHING IS SO WRONG WITH YOU [ LAUGHTER ] WHY WOULD -- IT'S A BEAN BAG
CHAIR. YOU COOK BEANS YOU DON'T SIT ON BEANS
[ LAUGHTER ] OKAY >> Jimmy: GOD.
>> WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE -- AND WE WERE DOING A LOT -- I WAS DOING A TON OF POT, JUST TONS
OF IT. AND I'D SIT -- YOU'D SIT ON A BEAN BAG CHAIR, YOU NEVER
THOUGHT, "OH, I'M COMFORTABLE. WHAT YOU THOUGHT WAS, "I'M GOING TO GET A KNIFE, I'M GOING
TO OPEN THIS UP, I'M GOING TO MAKE SOME [ BLEEP ] DINNER [ LAUGHTER ]
[ DINGS [ COUGHING ] >> Jimmy: I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN
TAKE IT. I'M GOING TO HAVE A STROKE OKAY
[ BEEPING >> QANON OH, YEAH
ANOTHER GOOD GROUP [ LAUGHTER ] THEY RECENTLY, A WHILE BACK
THERE, THEY DECIDED THEY'RE GOING TO GO TO DEALEY PLAZA, WHICH IS WHERE KENNEDY WAS
SHOT AND THEY WENT THERE -- A BUNCH OF THEM BECAUSE THEY WERE
GATHERING TO MEET UP WITH JOHN F. KENNEDY JR. WAS GOING TO SHOW UP
AND THEN THEY WERE GOING TO GO WITH HIM, AND JOHN F. KENNEDY JR. WAS GOING
TO SHOW UP WITH OUR FORMER LEADER AND THEN THEY WERE GOING TO GO
TO THE WHITE HOUSE AND THEN THEY WERE GONNA TELL THE PRESIDENT TO LEAVE, AND HE
WOULD, OF COURSE, LEAVE. AND -- [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH >> HOW -- HOW CRAZY DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO THINK THAT?
I HAD CALLED JOHN KENNEDY JR. THE DAY BEFORE, AND HE SAID, "I'M NOT COMING.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ DINGS >> Jimmy: HE ANSWERED THE
PHONE? [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE >> YES
>> Jimmy: AND HE SAID, "THERE'S NO WAY I'M GOING TO COME TO THAT."
>> HE SAID, "NO. >> Jimmy: HE SAID, "THERE'S NO WAY I'M GOING TO DO THAT."
[ LAUGHTER ] [ BEEPING >> Jimmy: OH, HERE WE GO
>> THIS MUSIC IS SPECTACULAR >> Jimmy: THANK YOU, I WROTE IT ON MY PHONE, BELIEVE IT OR NOT
OH, SOCIAL MEDIA >> SOCIAL MEDIA, WHICH GOES BACK PRETTY MUCH TO QANON, WE
CAN COMBINE THOSE TWO IN A WAY BECAUSE I HAVE SUCH A JOY ABOUT SOCIAL MEDIA
I'VE LEARNED ONE THING FROM SOCIAL MEDIA, AND QANON KIND OF PROVES WHAT I'M GOING TO SAY,
AND THAT IS THIS -- IF YOU MAKE SOMETHING UP, AND THEN YOU BELIEVE WHAT YOU MADE UP IS
TRUE, THEN YOU ARE CRAZY [ LAUGHTER ] AND IF YOU READ SOMETHING THAT
SOMEONE HAD MADE UP AND YOU BELIEVE WHAT THEY MADE UP IS TRUE, YOU'RE CRAZY
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE [ DINGS >> Jimmy: THAT IS LEWIS BLACK!
LEWIS BLACK. LEWISBLACK.COM, ANYTHING LEWIS BLACK, CATCH HIM LIVE ON
HIS "OFF THE RAILS" TOUR CHECK OUT HIS LATEST SPECIAL "THANKS FOR RISKING YOUR LIFE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A A PERFORMANCE FROM FONTAINES D.C.
STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
>> Jimmy: PERFORMING "JACKIE DOWN THE LINE" FROM THEIR UPCOMING NEW ALBUM "SKINTY
FIA," HERE'S FONTAINES D.C.!
* MY FRIEND SALLY
SAYS SHE KNOWS YA * * GOT A FUNNY POINT OF YOU *
* SAYS YOU GO AWAY WITH MURDER * * MAYBE ONE TIM
MAYBE TWO * * SOMETHING HAPPENS IN THE MORNING *
* WHEN I CAN'T SE THOSE FAILING EYES * * I CAN'T FIN
A GOOD WORD FOR YA * * DOES IT COM AS A SURPRISE *
* I DON'T THINK WE'D RHYME * * I WILL WEAR YOU
DOWN IN TIME * * I WILL HURT YOU I'LL DESERT YOU *
* I AM JACKIE DOWN THE LINE * *
* DO DO D LA LA LA * * SAID DID SALL
BOUT A FUTURE * * BEFORE YOU BORE OF HER AS WELL *
* IF ALL YOU WANT IS ENTERTAINMENT * * IF YOU CAN'T HAVE I
YOU MAKE HELL * * DON'T MAKE NO ODDS FOR YOU
TO BE TOLD YEAH * * DON'T MAKE NO ODDS FOR YOU
* TO BE TOL YEAH * * I DON'T THINK
WE'D RHYME * * I WILL WEAR YOU DOWN IN TIME *
* I WILL HURT YOU I'LL DESERT YOU * * I AM JACKIE
DOWN THE LINE * * I DON'T THINK WE'D RHYME *
* I WILL MAKE YOUR SECRETS MINE * * I WILL HATE YOU
I'LL DEBASE YE * * I AM JACKIE DOWN THE LINE *
* * DO DO DO LA LA LA * * SO COME ON DOWN
TO SALLY'S BONEYARD * * SEE HER SPIRI IN DECLINE *
* SEE THE HANDSOM MOURNERS CRYING * * THEY HAWKED A
BEATING HEART * * FOR A STURDY SPIN YEAH WHAT GOOD I
HAPPINESS TO ME * * IF I'VE TO WIEL IT CAREFULLY *
* FOR CARE I'LL ALWAY COME UP SHOR IT'S ONLY RIGHT *
* I DON'T THINK WE'D RHYME * * I WILL WEAR YOU
DOWN IN TIME * * I WILL HURT YOU I'LL DESERT YE *
* I'M ONE JACKEEN OF A LINE * * I DON'T THINK
WE'D RHYME * * I WILL TAKE U ALL YOUR TIME *
* I WILL CHEW YOU I'LL GO THROUGH YOU * * I AM JACKIE
DOWN THE LINE * * I DON'T THINK WE'D RHYME *
* I WILL MAKE YOUR SECRETS MINE * * I WILL HATE YOU
I'LL DEBASE YOU * * I AM JACKIE DOWN THE LINE *
* AND I WILL STONE YO I'LL ALONE YOU * * I AM JACKIE
DOWN THE LINE * * IF I CAN MAKE YOU I CAN BREAK YOU *
* I AM JACKIE DOWN THE LINE * * I AM JACKIE
DOWN THE LINE * * DO DO D LA LA LA *
* [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: MY THANKS TO
SARAH SILVERMAN, LEWIS BLACK FONTAINES D.C. AND THE ROOTS RIGHT HERE FROM
PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA THANK YOU FOR WATCHING STAY TUNED FOR "LATE NIGHT WITH
SETH MEYERS. GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE