>> Steve: FROM STUDIO 6B IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER IN THE HEART
OF NEW YORK CITY, IT'S "THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON."
TONIGHT, JOIN JIMMY AND HIS GUESTS - JEREMY RENNER,
KRISTIN CHENOWETH, COMEDIAN ALI KOLBERT AND FEATURING THE LEGENDARY
ROOTS CREW >> Questlove: 1556 >> Steve: AND NOW, HERE HE IS,
JIMMY FALLON
*
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOODNESS.
WELCOME. I LOVE YOU PLEASE ENJOY YOURSELF.
WELCOME, EVERYBODY WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME TO "THE TONIGHT SHOW."
YOU'RE HERE, YOU MADE IT, YOU'RE WATCHING. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THANK YOU, I APPRECIATE IT WELL GUYS, THIS WEEKEND WAS PRESIDENT BIDEN'S BIRTHDAY AND
HE'S THE FIRST PRESIDENT TO TURN 79 WHILE IN OFFICE. BIDEN SPENT HIS BIRTHDAY IN
WILMINGTON, DELAWARE, AND WENT TO A 5:00 MASS MAN, DOES THIS GUY KNOW HOW TO
PARTY OR WHAT? [ LAUGHTER ] I MEAN, EVEN MIKE PENCE WAS
LIKE, "EVER HEARD OF CHUCK E. CHEESE?" [ LAUGHTER ]
BUT YOU CAN TELL BIDEN'S 79 BECAUSE WHEN HE BLEW OUT HIS CANDLES, EVERYONE STARTED
CLAPPING AND THE LIGHTS WENT ON AND OFF. [ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH, IT WAS BIDEN'S 79th BIRTHDAY AND HE HEARD FROM A LOT OF
DIFFERENT PEOPLE HERE, CHECK OUT SOME OF THE TEXTS HE GOT
FIRST, FROM VLADIMIR PUTIN HE TEXTED, "I SENT YOU EDIBLE ARRANGEMENT.
NO NEED TO SEND THANK YOU NOTE JUST SPEAK CLEARLY INTO PINEAPPLE.
[ LAUGHTER ] THEN BARACK OBAMA TEXTED, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOE!
EVER WONDER HOW THE HELL I'M RETIRED AND YOU'RE NOT?" [ LAUGHTER ]
NEXT UP, KIM JONG-UN TEXTED, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, STOP. I AM SENDING THIS VIA TELEGRAM,
STOP HOPE YOU GOOD, STOP. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Steve: WOW. >> Jimmy: TELEGRAM EVEN DONALD TRUMP TEXTED
HE TEXTED, "JOE BIDEN IS A A TOTAL AND UTTER FAILURE. WANTED TO TWEET THIS BUT
CAN'T. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE CAN'T DO IT.
NEXT UP, POPE FRANCIS TEXTED, "HOPE YOU HAD A BLESSED BIRTHDAY, BUT IF I'M BEING
HONEST, THIS WEEKEND BELONGS TO ADELE. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE FACT RESPECT ADELE.
AND FINALLY QUEEN ELIZABETH TEXTED, "YO, NOT SURE IF YOU KNOW HOW TO TEXT, JUST WANTED
TO HOLLA AT MY BOY TO SAY H-B-D. STAY GUCCI FAM."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THERE YOU GO, THAT'S NICE. AND GET THIS, GUYS
TIFFANY'S JUST REVEALED ITS MOST EXPENSIVE DIAMOND IT'S CALLED THE EMPIRE DIAMOND
AND IT COSTS ABOUT $30 MILLION [ AUDIENCE OOHS SO THIS HOLIDAY SEASON, GIVE
YOUR LOVED ONE THE ULTIMATE CHRISTMAS EXPERIENCE, GETTING ROBBED
[ LAUGHTER ] YEAH, KEEP THIS GIFT IN MIND IN CASE YOU DRAW AN OIL BARON IN
YOUR OFFICE SECRET SANTA THAT'S RIGHT, A $30 MILLION DIAMOND.
MEANWHILE, ALL THE $20 MILLION DIAMONDS ARE NOW PART OF TIFFANY'S CHEAP BASTARD
COLLECTION [ LAUGHTER ] >> Steve: OW
>> Jimmy: BUT IF YOU'RE BUDGET'S A LITTLE SMALLER THAN THAT, I HAVE GOOD NEWS
HUNGRY MAN AND COORS LIGHT HAVE TEAMED UP THIS HOLIDAY SEASON TO OFFER A SPECIAL HUNGRY-BEER
MAN MEAL LOOK AT THIS YEAH
[ CHEERS ] * IT'S THE MEAL THAT SAYS, "TELL
ME YOU'RE RECENTLY SINGLE WITHOUT TELLING ME YOU'RE RECENTLY SINGLE.
IMAGINE DRIVING FOUR HOURS ON THURSDAY, AND WHEN YOU GET THERE, YOUR GRANDMA STARTS
PASSING THESE OUT. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] WELL, ACCORDING TO A NEW
SURVEY, MOST PARENTS SAID THAT THEY WOULD HAPPILY PAY LESS FOR KNOCKOFF TOYS THIS HOLIDAY
SEASON THAN PAY FOR THE ORIGINALS. AND LUCKILY, IF YOU'RE LOOKING
FOR SOME KNOCKOFF TOYS, THERE ARE PLENTY TO CHOOSE FROM. FOR EXAMPLE, INSTEAD OF MY
LITTLE PONY, YOU CAN GET HORSES ON ACID. [ LAUGHTER ]
NEXT UP, INSTEAD OF ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOTS, THEY HAVE FRONTIER FLIGHT ATTENDANTS
[ LAUGHTER ] AND FINALLY, INSTEAD OF LEGO, YOU CAN GET FOOT IMPALERS.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE THIS IS GOOD THEY'RE KNOCKOFF TOYS, THEY'RE
CHEAPER. HEY, I HEARD ABOUT A GUY IN FLORIDA WHO'S FACING UP TO
$1,000 IN FINES FROM HIS HOMEOWNERS' ASSOCIATION BECAUSE HE PUT UP HIS CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
TOO EARLY. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] THIS FINE SEEMS PRETTY HARSH
I MEAN, A LITTLE CHRISTMAS CHEER NEVER HURT ANYBODY CAN WE TAKE A LOOK AT HIS
DECORATIONS?
*
>> Jimmy: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? PUT HIM IN JAIL.
AND FINALLY, THIS WENT VIRAL ON TIKTOK
IT MADE ME LAUGH WHILE HANGING CHRISTMAS LIGHTS, LIKE ONE OF THOSE SPECIAL
INFLATABLE SANTA THINGS, THE HUSBAND FORGOT TO ZIP TIE THE SANTA'S HAND TO MAKE IT LOOK
LIKE HE'S WAVING SO INSTEAD IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S DOING SOMETHING --
[ LAUGHTER ] WATCH THIS TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: OH, WOW.
OH [ CHEERS ] ALL RIGHT.
OH, NO OH, NO >> Steve: OH
>> Jimmy: YES. IT WAS AT THE STROKE OF MIDNIGHT -
[ LAUGHTER ] -- WHEN SANTA FINALLY ARRIVED. IF YOU LIKE THAT VIDEO, YOU CAN
SEE MORE OF IT ON ONLY SANTAS. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW, GIVE IT
UP FOR THE ROOTS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
* * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: HELLO, EVERYBODY WHAT A SHOW WE HAVE FOR YOU TONIGHT.
HE STARS IN "MAYOR OF KINGSTOWN" ON PARAMOUNT PLUS AND, OF COURSE, HE'S "HAWKEYE,"
WHICH PREMIERES THIS WEDNESDAY ON DISNEY PLUS JEREMY RENNER IS HERE TONIGHT!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE COME ON. ALSO, HER NEW HOLIDAY ALBUM
"HAPPINESS... IS CHRISTMAS" IS OUT NOW. KRISTIN CHENOWETH IS HERE!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE SHE CAN SING AND WE'VE GOT STAND-UP COMEDY
FROM ALI KOLBERT [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE SHE'S COMING BACK.
I WANTED ALSO TO REMIND EVERYONE TO TUNE IN THANKSGIVING NIGHT, AFTER THE
FOOTBALL GAME ON NBC WE HAVE A BRAND NEW SHOW FOR YOU.
AND IT'S A BIG ONE WILL FERRELL AND PAUL RUDD WILL BE OUR GUESTS!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE WE'RE GOING TO DO SOMETHING FUN WITH THOSE GUYS.
PLUS WE'VE GOT SEBASTIAN MANISCALCO >> Steve: WHOA
>> Jimmy: AND MUSIC WITH JENNY LEWIS, AND ALL NEW THANK YOU NOTES.
THAT'S THANKSGIVING NIGHT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS IT.
BUT HANG OUT WITH THE FAMILY, DO IT ALL UP EVERYONE'S GETTING TOGETHER.
IF YOU NEED SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE FAMILY, I HAVE TONS OF THINGS THAT I'M INVOLVED IN,
THAT'S KIND OF COMING OUT NOW FOR THE HOLIDAYS SO THEY'RE HERE.
SO IF YOU HAVE KIDS AND YOU WANT TO PUT SOMETHING ON FOR THEM, WE HAVE THE "KIDS TONIGHT
SHOW." THAT IS ON PEACOCK [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
IT'S LIKE OUR SHOW BUT MORE FOR KIDS, AND IT'S 15 MINUTES LONG AND YOU GO, "GREAT, WATCH
THIS," AND GO TO SLEEP YEAH, AND, UH, PERFECT AND THEN, THIS IS REALLY
EXCITING MY BOOK "5 MORE SLEEPS TILL CHRISTMAS," RIGHT?
>> Steve: YEAH, [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: I LIKE THAT.
I'M VERY PROUD OF THIS NBC HAS MADE IT INTO ANIMATED SPECIAL.
"5 MORE SLEEPS TILL CHRISTMAS" [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THIS -- SO IT'S ON THIS FRIDAY
>> Steve: DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING >> Jimmy: DAY AFTER
THANKSGIVING, THIS FRIDAY. IT'S ON AFTER "THE GRINCH. "HOW THE GRINCH STOLE
CHRISTMAS. THAT'S GOOD PLACEMENT. >> Steve: WOW.
>> Jimmy: AND BEFORE A BRAND NEW "TROLLS" HOLIDAY SPECIAL SO IT'S A HOLIDAY ROCK BLOCK
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] ROCK BLOCK FOR THE HOLIDAYS. YEAH, IT'S A FULL ON ROCK
BLOCK. THAT'S A GOOD SANDWICH TO BE IN, MAN.
AFTER "THE GRINCH" "5 MORE SLEEPS," THEN "TROLLS" COME ON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE FRIDAY NIGHT, 8:30 P.M. ON NBC BUT THEN I HAVE ANOTHER THING.
>> Steve: WHAT >> Jimmy: I KNOW, IT'S ALL JUST -- IT'S ODD HOW IT ALL
JUST -- IT'S HAPPENING NOW BUT ON MONDAY -- >> Steve: MONDAY
>> Jimmy: YEAH, WHICH I WILL TALK ABOUT SO NOT THIS MONDAY, NEXT
MONDAY BUT IF YOU'RE HERE FOR THE WEEKEND AND YOU WANT SOMETHING
TO DO WITH THE FAMILY, THERE'S A BRAND NEW "VOICE," THERE'S AN ALL-NEW "VOICE."
AND IT'S -- THEY'RE GETTING DOWN TO THE FINALS HERE, "THE VOICE.
I THINK IT'S A LIVE "VOICE." BUT ANYWAYS, AFTER THAT WE HAVE MY NEW SHOW CALLED "THAT'S MY
JAM. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THAT'S ON AFTER THAT, 10:00 ON
MONDAY I HOST IT, AND IT'S LIKE ALL THE MUSICAL GAMES WE PLAY ON
OUR SHOW, BUT JUST WITH MORE OF LIKE A PRIMETIME BUDGET. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
AND GREAT GUESTS OUR FIRST GUESTS ON THAT SHOW -- IT'S LIKE A COMPETITION
SHOW IT'S ARIANA GRANDE, KELLY CLARKSON, JOHN LEGEND,
AND BLAKE SHELTON. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Steve: WHAT
>> Jimmy: YEAH AND ARIANA AND KELLY, I WILL SAY, HAVE THIS BATTLE THAT IS
UNBELIEVABLE IT WILL BE TALKED ABOUT. >> Steve: OOH.
>> Jimmy: IT IS LIKE -- PHEW I MEAN, YEAH, THEY GOT IT. ANYWAY, I'M VERY EXCITED ABOUT
ALL THAT STUFF THAT'S A LOT OF STUFF, RIGHT [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
ALL FUN STUFF FOR THE FAMILIES ANYWAY, I'M VERY, VERY EXCITED GUYS, WHENEVER I GET SOME DOWN
TIME HERE AT THE SHOW, I LIKE TO GO ON INSTAGRAM AND I SCROLL THROUGH ALL THE PHOTOS
AND ONE THING I'VE NOTICED IS THAT A LOT OF TIMES TWO PEOPLE WILL WRITE THE SAME EXACT
CAPTION, BUT THE PICTURES THEY POST WILL BE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN. IT'S TIME FOR "PICTURE THIS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * * PICTURE THI
PICTURE THIS PICTURE THI YEAH PICTURE THIS * *
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS FIRST EXAMPLE IT'S FROM MACY'S AND THE U.S
JUSTICE DEPARTMENT >> Steve: REALLY >> Jimmy: YEAH, THEY BOTH
WROTE, "HE SEES YOU WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING, HE KNOWS WHEN YOU'RE AWAKE.
MACY'S POSTED A PICTURE OF SANTA. THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT POSTED
A PICTURE OF MARK ZUCKERBERG >> Steve: OH [ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: YOU SEE? >> Steve: WOW. >> Jimmy: THIS NEXT ONE IS FROM
DISNEY AND BILL de BLASIO. >> Steve: OH >> Jimmy: THEY BOTH WROTE,
"TAKE A TRIP WITH CHARACTERS FROM ANOTHER GALAXY. DISNEY POSTED A PICTURE OF
THEIR NEW "STAR WARS" CRUISE BILL de BLASIO POSTED A PICTURE OF THE "F" TRAIN AT 2:00 A.M
[ APPLAUSE ] WOW. >> Steve: WHERE'S THE LIE?
>> Jimmy: HERE'S ONE FROM NETFLIX AND RITE AID THEY BOTH WROTE, "STILL GOING
STRONG FOUR YEARS LATER. NETFLIX POSTED A PICTURE OF THE NEW SEASON OF "STRANGER
THINGS." RITE AID POSTED A PICTURE OF THE CHAPSTICK THAT'S BEEN IN
YOUR COAT POCKET FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS [ APPLAUSE ]
THIS NEXT ONE IS FROM THE NATIONAL PARKS SERVICE AND TARGET
>> Steve: WOW. >> Jimmy: THEY BOTH WROTE, "CAREFUL, THIS COULD EXPLODE AT
ANY MOMENT." THE NATIONAL PARKS SERVICE POSTED A PICTURE OF OLD
FAITHFUL TARGET POSTED A PICTURE OF PILLSBURY CRESCENT ROLLS
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE THEY'RE FRIGHTENING. YOU KNOW IT'S COMING, TOO.
[ LAUGHTER ] YEAH, HE LAUGHS AT YOU >> Steve: HE LAUGHS.
LAUGHS AT YOU. >> Jimmy: YEAH [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY DOESN'T LAUGH WITH YOU >> Steve: HE LAUGHS AT YOU
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] DID NOT KNOW THAT. >> Steve: NO
YOU SON OF A BITCH JJJ HEY! [ LAUGHTER ]
NO NEED! NEXT UP, THIS ONE'S FROM TWO HBO MAX SUBSCRIBERS.
THEY BOTH WROTE, "I WAS GOING TO GET RID OF HBO MAX, BUT THEN I SAW THIS."
ONE SUBSCRIBER POSTED A PICTURE OF THE "HARRY POTTER" REUNION. THE OTHER SUBSCRIBER POSTED
A PICTURE OF HIS FRIEND'S HBO MAX PASSWORD [ APPLAUSE ]
CAN'T SIGN OFF NOW THIS LAST ONE IS FROM ADELE AND YOUR UNCLE
THEY BOTH WROTE, "IT WAS AN OVERWHELMING JOURNEY, BUT I'M GLAD IT'S OUT.
ADELE POSTED A PICTURE OF HER NEW ALBUM, "30." YOUR UNCLE POSTED A PICTURE OF
HIS BELLY AFTER THANKSGIVING DINNER [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FOR "PICTURE THIS. STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK WITH "BATTLE OF THE INSTANT SONGWRITERS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK EVERYBODY!
HERE AT "THE TONIGHT SHOW," WE LOVE SONGS, AND WE ESPECIALLY LOVE SONGS WRITTEN BY OUR
AUDIENCE MEMBERS IN UNDER AN HOUR THAT'S RIGHT
IT'S TIME FOR "BATTLE OF THE INSTANT SONGWRITERS" HERE WE GO
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
* I'M SINGING A SON AND I'M WRITING A SONG ABOUT ANOTHER SONG *
* >> Jimmy: YEAH WELCOME TO "BATTLE OF THE
INSTANT SONGWRITERS. BEFORE THE SHOW, WE WENT THROUGH OUR GREAT AUDIENCE, OUR
LOVELY AUDIENCE, AND WE PICKED OUT TWO PEOPLE WHO SAID THEY WERE MUSICIANS
WE DON'T KNOW IF THEY ARE. BUT WE GAVE THEM EACH A MADE-UP SONG TITLE AND GAVE THEM AN
HOUR TO WRITE AN ORIGINAL SONG BASED ON THAT TITLE. HERE'S A SHOT OF THEM
PRACTICING BACKSTAGE MINUTES AGO. THERE YOU GO
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT THEY CAME UP WITH SO LET'S MEET THEM RIGHT NOW
COME ON OVER, GUYS WELCOME!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * JJJ NICE TO SEE YOU.
WELCOME TO THE SHOW. WELCOME TO THE SHOW. HOW ARE YOU?
>> GOOD. >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO
CONTESTANT NUMBER ONE. WHAT IS YOUR NAME AND WHERE ARE YOU FROM
>> MY NAME'S MARSHA BELSKY, AND I'M FROM BROOKLYN, NEW YORK. >> Jimmy: YEAH, BROOKLYN
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE COME ON. MARSHA BELSKY.
MARSHA, WHAT WAS THE TITLE THAT WAS GIVEN TO YOU >> IT WAS "SCROLLING THROUGH
TIKTOK ON THANKSGIVING DAY." >> Jimmy: YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT I FEEL LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE
WILL BE DOING THAT "SCROLLING THROUGH TIKTOK ON THANKSGIVING DAY."
AND WHAT INSTRUMENT WILL YOU BE PLAYING? >> I'M DOING PIANO
>> Jimmy: OH, I LOVE THE PIANO ALL RIGHT, GOOD. ALL RIGHT, WHY DON'T YOU GO
OVER AND GET READY, GET INSPIRED, GET SET. AND GET READY TO HEAR --
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
HERE TO PERFORM THE WORLD PREMIERE OF THE SOON-TO-BE CLASSIC "SCROLLIN' TIKTOK ON
THANKSGIVING DAY," IT'S MARSHA BELSKY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * * LAST YEAR THIS TIME
I WAS SO LONEL AT THE HOLIDAY BUT THIS YEAR I'LL BE *
* SITTING RIGHT ACROS FROM EVERYONE I LOVE AS SCROLL TIKTO
ON THANKSGIVING DAY * * SCROLLIN' TIKTO ON THANKSGIVING DA
WATCHING COUPLES WHO HATE EACH OTHER * * PULL DANGEROUS PRANKS LIK
WATCH ME SCARE M PREGNANT WIFE * * OKA
NOW YOUR BABY'S ON ITS WAY SCROLLIN' TIKTOK ON THANKSGIVING DAY *
* A 12-YEAR-OLD TAROT READE SAYS LOVE'S COMING MY WA I'M IN COMMUNITY HERE WITH
THE TWEENS ON TIKTOK BABY * * SCROLLIN' TIKTO ON THANKSGIVING DA
I'M SO THANKFUL FOR MY PHONE AND I GUESS ALSO MY FAMILY * *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: THAT'S GREAT *
"AND I GUESS ALSO MY FAMILY. MARSHA BELSKY! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
HEY, THAT WAS INCREDIBLE COME ON OVER, MARSHA YEAH, "I'M SO THANKFUL FOR MY
PHONE," OH YEAH, AND "ALSO MY FAMILY." YEAH
ALL RIGHT, LET'S MEET CONTESTANT NUMBER TWO. WHAT IS YOUR NAME AND WHERE ARE
YOU FROM >> MY NAME IS BROOKS ALLISON, I'M FROM BROOKLYN AS WELL.
>> Jimmy: HEY, BROOKLYN IN THE HOUSE TONIGHT! [ APPLAUSE ]
BROOKS ALLISON BROOKS, WHAT IS THE SONG TITLE WE GAVE YOU THIS EVENING
>> "STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR WITH ED SHEERAN." [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: VERY POSSIBLE. PROBABLY DID HAPPEN, YOU KNOW? ELEVATORS ARE KIND OF AN OLD
TECHNOLOGY, BUT I MEAN, I'M SURE EVEN ED SHEERAN USES AN ELEVATOR
>> SURE. >> Jimmy: AND HE PROBABLY GOT STUCK MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE WITH
SOMEONE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I PROBABLY WOULD ENJOY BEING
STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR WHAT INSTRUMENT WILL YOU BE PLAYING?
>> I'LL BE PLAYING GUITAR. >> Jimmy: YOU'LL BE PALYING GUITAR
OKAY WHY DON'T YOU GET OVER THERE >> THANK YOU
>> Jimmy: GET IN THE ZONE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
COME OVER HERE MARSHA. THAT WAS GREAT BY THE WAY. ALL RIGHT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GET READY FOR THE WORLD PREMIERE OF "STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR WITH
ED SHEERAN" BY BROOKS ALLISON!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* * I GOT IN AN ELEVATO AND WAS HEADED FOR THE
SIXTH FLOOR * * THERE WAS A BIG CRASH AND THE ELEVATOR WORKE
NO MORE * * I STARTED TO PANI TURNED AROUN
THERE WAS A RED-HEADED MAN * [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] * LITTLE DID I KNOW
THAT I WAS STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR WIT ED SHEERAN *
* HE TOLD ME I LOOKED PERFECT TONIGH I SAID NOW'S NOT THE TIM
HE SAID NO * * THAT'S JUST A LIN FROM ONE OF MY SONGS
CALLED "PERFECT" * * I SAI YEAH I KNOW THE SONG
I HEAR IT ALL THE TIME ESPECIALLY WHILE DRIVING * * BUT RIGHT NOW ALL I
CARE ABOUT IS SURVIVIN THIS ELEVATOR THING * * HE SAID YEAH THAT WAS DUM
I SAID DON'T WORRY ABOUT I AND THE DOORS OPENED UP * *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: GIVE IT UP FOR BROOKS ALLISON RIGHT THERE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THAT WAS AWESOME BROOKS, COME ON OVER
THANK YOU, BROOKS. WOW. SEEMED LIKE IT REALLY HAPPENED,
ALMOST NOW IT'S TIME TO SEE WHO WON SO WE'RE GOING TO LET OUR GREAT
AUDIENCE DECIDE THE WINNER WAS IT MARSHA BELSKY [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
OR WAS IT BROOKS ALLISON [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE THE WINNER IS
BROOKS ALLISON [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
BROOKS, YOU'RE GOING TO BE GOING HOME WITH $1,000 AND A A "TONIGHT SHOW" NOTEBOOK FOR
WRITING MORE SONGS [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONGRATULATIONS, THAT WAS
A GREAT JOB. >> THANK YOU >> Jimmy: BUT NO ONE GOES HOME
EMPTY-HANDED OUR OTHER CONTESTANT TONIGHT WILL ALSO RECEIVE A NOTEBOOK
AND $1,000 WE LOVE YOU. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE GIVE IT UP FOR YOUR TWO NEW INSTANT SONGWRITERS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JEREMY RENNER,
EVERYBODY! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
>> Jimmy: OUR FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS AN OSCAR NOMINATED ACTOR WHO'S STARRING IN TWO TV
SHOWS. YOU CAN SEE HIM IN THE "MAYOR OF KINGSTOWN."
NEW EPISODES RELEASED SUNDAYS ON PARAMOUNT PLUS. AND THEN, "HAWKEYE," WHICH
PREMIERES THIS WEDNESDAY ON DISNEY PLUS. EVERYONE, PLEASE WELCOME
JEREMY RENNER!
*
>> AWESOME >> Jimmy: WELCOME, IT'S ALWAYS GREAT TO SEE YOU, BUDDY.
>> IT'S NICE TO BE BACK. THIS IS AWESOME. >> Jimmy: AND LOOK AT YOU ON
THE COVER OF "MEN'S HEALTH" JUST ROCKING IT OUT. >> YEAH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: JEREMY RENNER JUST WON'T STOP
YOU'RE UNSTOPPABLE >> YEAH. >> Jimmy: DID THIS GUY KNOW
THAT HE WAS UNSTOPPABLE? HE'S GOING TO BE UNSTOPPABLE ONE DAY?
LOOK AT THAT GUY >> YEAH, THAT'S THE FIRST HEAD SHOT I EVER DID, YEAH, YEAH.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S NOT BAD FOR A A FIRST HEAD SHOT. >> YEAH, I FIGURED, YOU KNOW,
ALL YOU GOT TO DO FOR A HEADSHOT IS TAKE A PICTURE OF YOUR HEAD, SO I GOT THAT RIGHT
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: YEAH, YOU NAILED THAT PART
>> YEAH. >> Jimmy: DID THIS GUY GET ROLES?
>> YEAH, THEN I GOT MY FIRST JOB OUT OF THAT HEAD SHOT. >> Jimmy: DID YOU REALLY
>> YEAH, "NATIONAL LAMPOON'S SENIOR TRIP. >> Jimmy: OH, YEAH, I DO
REMEMBER THAT. ABSOLUTELY, NO WAY I ALWAYS LIKENED THE EAR
PIERCING, I WAS LOOKING AT NOT BAD. >> YEAH.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: IT'S A NICE ONE THERE.
DO YOU REMEMBER GETTING YOUR EAR PIERCED? WHERE DID YOU --
>> YEAH, WELL, I DON'T KNOW, I THINK I GOT -- WELL, I THINK -- I DID TWO, ONE
I GOT LIKE AT THE MALL, LIKE AT THE FOREVER THING -- >> Jimmy: 21 OR CLAIRE'S
[ LAUGHTER ] >> THE WET PUMA. >> Jimmy: WHATEVER THOSE THINGS
WERE >> WHATEVER THOSE STORES WERE. >> Jimmy: YEAH, I REMEMBER
THEM >> BUT DID ONE WITH A POTATO AND ONE OF THOSE -- WHAT DO YOU
CALL IT, SAFETY PINS >> Jimmy: NO >> AND SOME ICE.
DIDN'T WORK OUT SO WELL, SO THAT'S WHY I THINK I WENT TO THE MALL
>> Jimmy: SO YOU JUST NUMBED IT, AND THEN - >> YEAH, YEAH.
>> Jimmy: HOW IS THE POTATO INVOLVED >> KIND OF GIVE YOU SUPPORT AND
YOU POP IT THROUGH IT'S NOT LIKE IT WAS A GOOD THING, DIDN'T WORK OUT VERY
WELL >> Jimmy: WOW, OH, I SEE, SO YOU PUNCTURE YOUR EAR AND GOES
INTO THE POTATO INSTEAD OF THE FINGER >> YEAH, IT WAS A BAD IDEA
>> Jimmy: WOW, YOU GOT THE GIG >> AND I GOT THE HEAD SHOT >> Jimmy: AND NOW, YOU GOT THE
HEAD SHOT. I WANT TO TALK TO YOU. WE HAVE A LOT TO TALK ABOUT,
BUT "MAYOR OF KINGSTOWN," THE SHOW HAS BEEN A HUGE HIT IT'S THE NUMBER ONE SCRIPTED
SHOW ON PARAMOUNT PLUS IT'S A GIANT -- CONGRATULATIONS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> YEAH, YEAH. IT'S PRETTY GOOD
>> Jimmy: YOU KNOW WHAT I NOTICED, WEIRDLY ENOUGH, YOUR CHARACTER, WHO'S VERY DIFFERENT
FROM HAWKEYE, YOU USE A BOW AND ARROW IN THIS SHOW AS WELL >> YEAH, I DON'T KNOW WHY -- I
MEAN, I REALLY TELL THEM NOT TO DO IT, BECAUSE - >> Jimmy: ARE YOU TYPECAST NOW
>> GUYS, USUALLY PICK THIS UP. IT'S LIKE -- >> Jimmy: YEAH, YOU CAN'T PICK
UP CAPTAIN AMERICA SHIELD. >> WHAT IS THIS THING, HOW DO YOU USE IT
>> Jimmy: YEAH, AND YOU REALLY HAD TO ACT LIKE YOU DIDN'T KNOW -- NEVER SHOT ONE BEFORE.
>> YEAH, YEAH, BUT IT'S THE SAME THING AS MOST OF THE [ BLEEP ] I DO IN LIFE, ACT
LIKE I DO KNOW WHAT I'M DOING, AND GET AWAY WITH IT >> Jimmy: THAT'S WHAT ACTING
IS >> IT'S MY JOB >> Jimmy: EXACTLY, YEAH.
BUT TAYLOR SHERIDAN IS THE CREATOR ON THIS ONE. ALSO, THE CREATOR OF
"YELLOWSTONE." >> "YELLOWSTONE," YEAH, YEAH AND WE DID A MOVIE "WIND RIVER"
TOGETHER AND YEAH, HE'S A PRETTY AMAZING WRITER
>> Jimmy: WELL, CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT THE "MAYOR OF KINGSTOWN" IS ALL ABOUT
>> YEAH, IT TAKES PLACE IN A A FICTITIOUS TOWN IN MICHIGAN, AND IT'S ESSENTIALLY A PRISON
TOWN AND THE ONLY BUSINESS THERE IS INCARCERATION.
SO IT'S EITHER INSIDE THE PRISON, OUTSIDE THE PRISON, EVERYTHING IS ABOUT THIS
PRISON AND I PLAY THE MAYOR OF KINGSTOWN, IT'S REALLY NOT THE
OFFICIAL MAYOR, AND HE IS SORT OF THE GREASE BETWEEN ALL THE WHEELS TO ENSURE THAT HE KEEPS
THE PEACE IN TOWN. AND IT'S -- IT COMES AT YOU PRETTY HARD.
>> Jimmy: YEAH DID HE JUST SEND YOU SCRIPT, SAY, "JEREMY, PLEASE, I THINK
YOU'LL BE GOOD FOR THIS? >> WELL, I DID "WIND RIVER" WITH HIM, SO I SAID YES BEFORE
I READ ANYTHING. >> Jimmy: OH, REALLY >> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
>> Jimmy: I LOVE WHEN THAT HAPPENS WHERE YOU'RE JUST LIKE, "NO, I KNOW THIS GUY DOES GREAT
STUFF. >> YEAH. AND IT WORKED OUT GREAT.
IT WORKED OUT GREAT. >> Jimmy: CONGRATULATIONS ON THAT, AND THEN "HAWKEYE," FIRST
TWO EPISODES COMES OUT WEDNESDAY ON DISNEY PLUS >> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: PEOPLE ARE FREAKING OUT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, GOOD TIMES. >> Jimmy: YOU'VE DONE OUR SHOW
MANY YEARS AS HAWKEYE. >> THAT'S RIGHT. YEAH, I CAME OUT AND SANG AND
PERFORMED FOR YOU GUYS IT WAS PRETTY SPECIAL. >> Jimmy: YEAH, I MEAN, YOU'VE
COME ON BY YOURSELF BUT YOU'VE ALSO COME ON WITH THE OTHER AVENGERS
DO YOU MISS DOING PRESS WITH THE AVENGERS >> YEAH, I DO, MAN
I MEAN, THE LAST ONE WE DID WAS FOR "ENDGAME," I BELIEVE IT WAS JUST PAUL RUDD AND I
TALKING ABOUT 50-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN, THE MOVIE THAT WE COULD ACTUALLY TALK ABOUT.
[ LAUGHTER ] BUT I -- PAUL RUDD, HEY, HE'S THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S RIGHT, HE IS. >> MY MAN, MR. RUDD. >> Jimmy: WHO DOESN'T MISS
PAUL RUDD? >> THAT'S RIGHT. >> Jimmy: BUT THE WHOLE CREW
YOU GUYS WERE ALL SO NICE AND GREAT TO US. I APPRECIATE IT.
BUT ALL VERY TALENTED. BUT BETWEEN YOU, I WAS THINKING OF SCARLETT JOHANSSON, CHEADLE,
AND PROBABLY RUDD, HE CAN SING >> I'M SURE HE COULD SLAP THE BASS, RIGHT?
>> Jimmy: HE COULD PLAY BASS GUITAR I THINK HE SHOULD PUT TOGETHER
A BAND WHAT IF THERE WAS AN AVENGERS BAND
>> WELL, I DON'T KNOW, YOU GOT THE ROOTS, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH AN AVENGERS BAND?
>> Jimmy: YEAH, THEY'RE KIND OF THE AVENGERS BAND RIGHT THERE, BUT YEAH, YOU KNOW, WHY NOT, WE
COULD ALWAYS ADD - [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE WE COULD ALWAYS ADD MORE
SUPERHEROES TO THE ROOTS >> YEAH. >> Jimmy: YOU'RE ALWAYS
WELCOME. WHEN YOU SIGNED ON TO DO HAWKEYE, DID YOU HAVE ANY CLUE
THAT IT WOULD RUN THIS LONG? BUT THEN, ALSO, TURN INTO A TV SHOW
>> I THINK THERE'S IDEAS OF THAT INITIALLY, BUT THAT'S -- THAT WAS 11 YEARS AGO.
I'M LIKE, I REMEMBER ONE OF MY FIRST THOUGHTS, IT'S LIKE 2010, 2011, I'M LIKE, "I DON'T
WANT TO BE 50 IN TIGHTS. [ LAUGHTER ] YOU KNOW
I'M LIKE NO ONE WANTS TO SEE ME AT 50 IN TIGHTS. >> Jimmy: AND TURNS OUT --
>> YES THEY DO >> Jimmy: PEOPLE REALLY DO, YEAH
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THEY WANT TO SEE IT. MORE WITH JEREMY RENNER WHEN WE
COME BACK. COME ON, EVERYBODY COME BACK FOR MORE "TONIGHT
SHOW." [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK EVERYBODY. WE'RE HANGING OUT WITH
JEREMY RENNER! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE HIS NEW SHOW "HAWKEYE" DEBUTS
ON DISNEY PLUS THIS WEDNESDAY. >> YES >> Jimmy: I GOT TO SEE A
A SNIPPET OF IT, BECAUSE IT'S MARVEL AND THEY ARE VERY -- THEY DON'T REALLY LET PEOPLE
SEE MUCH >> RIGHT >> Jimmy: IN MY SNIPPET, WAS
ANOTHER SMALLER SNIPPET OF "A CAPTAIN AMERICA" MUSICAL >> UH-HUH.
>> Jimmy: COULD THERE BE AN ACTUAL "AVENGERS" MUSICAL IN THE WORKS ON BROADWAY?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> WELL, I'M NOT SURE ABOUT THAT
LOOK, IT WAS ACTUALLY THE LAST SCENE THAT WE SHOT IN THE SHOW ACTUALLY, YOU GOT TO SEE IT.
IT'S QUITE A SHOW. >> Jimmy: IT'S REALLY GOOD >> IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY DANGED
GOOD KEVIN'S MIND IS REALLY TURNING ON THIS, HE'S THE HEAD OF
MARVEL >> Jimmy: YEAH >> AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE'S
GOING TO DO WITH IT. THERE'S A LOT MORE OF THE SHOW THAT'S IN THE "HAWKEYE" SHOW,
BUT WHO KNOWS, I DON'T KNOW, I'M NOT A SOOTHSAYER >> Jimmy: NO, BUT WHAT I SAW
WAS PRETTY GOOD. DID YOU DO -- DO YOU KNOW IF THERE'S MORE THAN ONE SONG
>> I THINK THERE ARE [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: OKAY
I DON'T WANT TO GET YOU IN TROUBLE, BUT ALL RIGHT, I LIKE THAT ANSWER.
[ LAUGHTER ] CAN I ASK YOU ABOUT SOME RUMORS
>> SURE, WHAT DO YOU GOT OKAY, I GOT SOME ANSWERS FOR YOU.
>> Jimmy: OKAY, YELENA -- FLORENCE PUGH FROM "BLACK WIDOW.
>> WHO [ LAUGHTER ] WHO'S THAT
>> Jimmy: YELENA >> YEAH, I DON'T KNOW. >> Jimmy: YOU DON'T?
>> I'M NOT SURE. IT DOESN'T SOUND FAMILIAR. >> Jimmy: SHE KNOWS YOU.
>> IS THAT RIGHT >> Jimmy: I'M JUST WONDERING IF SHE --
>> ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THING AT THE END OF "BLACK WIDOW." >> Jimmy: YEAH
>> YEAH, YEAH. I WATCHED THAT WITH MY NIECE, AND SHE'S LIKE, "UNCLE JEREMY,
WHAT DID YOU DO? [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: OKAY
>> I SAID, "I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING DARLING." >> Jimmy: OH, OKAY
AND THAT'S ALL I KNOW ABOUT THAT >> Jimmy: OKAY
[ LAUGHTER ] OKAY HOW ABOUT THIS
AFTER THIS SHOW, WILL WE SEE YOU PLAY HAWKEYE AGAIN >> WHO
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: YELENA [ LAUGHTER ]
OKAY PERFECT. WHAT CAN WE TELL EVERYONE
"HAWKEYE" IS ABOUT >> HAWKEYE, WELL, WHAT I LOVE ABOUT IT, FIRST OF ALL, WE GOT
TO KIND OF INTRODUCE THE WORLD TO CLINT BARTON IN A BIGGER WAY.
BECAUSE FOR SIX HOURS, WE SPEND A LOT MORE TIME ON JUST THE CHARACTERS AND NEW CHARACTERS
INTRODUCED BUT IT'S ALSO IN A WORLD OF THIS WORLD, RIGHT, IT'S NOT
GALACTIC WITH THE ALIENS AND ALL THESE THINGS, IT'S IN A REALLY PRACTICAL WORLD LIKE
A SUPERHERO WITH NO SUPERPOWERS. >> Jimmy: I WANT TO SHOW
EVERYONE A CLIP. HERE'S JEREMY RENNER IN "HAWKEYE."
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
*
[ INDISCERNIBLE SCREAMING >> COME ON *
>> ON FIRE >> TOLD YOU. >> YEAH.
* GOT TO GET THAT SUIT >> THAT'S ALL YOU'VE GOT
COME ON. >> Jimmy: YEAH, EXACTLY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
JEREMY RENNER, EVERYBODY "HAWKEYE" PREMIERES WEDNESDAY ON DISNEY PLUS
KRISTIN CHENOWETH JOINS US AFTER THE BREAK. STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * >> Jimmy: THANK YOU ROOTS.
OUR NEXT GUEST IS AN EMMY AND TONY-WINNING ACTRESS AND SINGER, WHO HAS A BRAND NEW
HOLIDAY ALBUM OUT, RIGHT NOW, CALLED "HAPPINESS IS... CHRISTMAS!
PLEASE WELCOME KRISTIN CHENOWETH!
* >> Jimmy: HI THEY LOVE YOU.
COME ON. THEY LOVE YOU. I HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO -- TO
ASK YOU -- >> SURE. >> Jimmy: -- BUT I'M SO HAPPY
YOU'RE HERE. >> I'M SO HAPPY TO BE BACK >> Jimmy: BUT, FIRST OF ALL,
EVEN JUST DOING THAT, I JUST WANT TO SAY CONGRATULATIONS. YOU JUST GOT -- YOU GOT
ENGAGED. [ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> THANK YOU >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOD, WOW. YEAH, I'M SO HAPPY PAL
>> THANK YOU BABY. THANK YOU. >> Jimmy: NOW, THERE'S --
THERE'S BEEN BIG NEWS, RECENTLY THEY ANNOUNCED THAT THEY'RE
MAKING A "WICKED" MOVIE. AND ARIANA GRANDE GOT CAST TO PLAY GLINDA, WHICH IS YOUR --
YOU MADE FAMOUS IN THE PLAY "WICKED. DID YOU -- DID YOU TALK TO
ARIANA ARE YOU HAPPY WITH THE CHOICE? >> OH, I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER
>> Jimmy: YES. >> I'VE KNOWN HER SINCE SHE WAS 10, Y'ALL.
SHE CAME TO THE SHOW, AND SHE'S LIKE, "I WANT TO BE GLINDA," IN THE SAME EXACT VOICE THAT SHE
HAS NOW, JUST LIKE ME. AND I SAID, "YOU -- YOU CAN BE."
AND THEN, HER NANA SAYS, "OH, YOU'RE GONNA SING FOR HER. AND SHE DID.
AND SHE BLEW ME AWAY AND I WAS LIKE, "YOU HAVE TO HAVE SOMETHING OF MINE."
SO, I GAVE HER HAND SOAP AND A A FAKE PLASTIC WAND. AND I SAID, "TAKE IT."
YES. >> Jimmy: HAND -- HAND SOAP. >> I JUST SAID, "TAKE MY SOAP.
I KNOW IT'S WEIRD. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: DOES SHE REMEMBER
THAT >> YES SHE -- SHE SAID FOR MANY YEARS
SHE DIDN'T USE IT. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: WOW.
THIS IS A REAL PHOTO OF YOU. >> THERE'S - >> Jimmy: AND THIS IS
ARIANA GRANDE AND -- YEAH. >> AND NANA. >> Jimmy: NONNA.
>> AND NONA, RIGHT [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: THAT'S RIGHT
NONNA. OH, NO WAY IS THAT UNBELIEVABLE THOUGH?
>> AND NOW SHE'S PLAYING -- I'M SO HAPPY >> Jimmy: ISN'T THAT WILD HOW
LIFE WORKS THAT'S WILD. >> YES
THAT'S WHEN YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN AROUND A SECOND >> Jimmy: OH, NO
BUT, I MEAN, ALSO TO GET THE THUMBS UP FROM YOU IS FANTASTIC.
THE RUMORS ARE NOW -- ARE YOU GOING TO CAMEO IN THE MOVIE OR WOULD YOU?
>> WELL, I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT BUT HERE'S WHAT I THINK SHOULD
HAPPEN [ LAUGHTER ] SO, YOU KNOW THE POSTER, HOW
GLINDA IS ALWAYS LOOKING -- YEAH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU >> Jimmy: I'M PREPARED
YES. >> YES, YOU ARE. AND, BY THE WAY, I BEGGED TO
HAVE BLONDE HAIR IN THIS, 'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE "THE FLYING NUN," BUT THAT'S A SEPARATE
SUBJECT. [ LAUGHTER ] I ALWAYS THINK -- I JUST
THOUGHT IT WOULD BE COOL IF THE CAMERA PANNED BY AND IDINA AND I WERE JUST THERE AND WE
JUST -- YOU JUST SAW ME GO - YEAH >> Jimmy: THAT'S A GOOD -- COME
ON THAT'S A GOOD EASTER EGG, RIGHT THERE.
YEP. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE BUT I WANT -- I WOULD WANT TO
SEE A LITTLE BIT MORE OF YOU >> REALLY? >> Jimmy: YEAH
>> THANKS. >> Jimmy: BECAUSE -- YEAH. YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU.
I HAVE A QUESTION I WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT. >> OKAY.
>> Jimmy: BECAUSE WE BOTH LOVE HIM, BUT, I HEARD THAT PRINCE WAS A BIG FAN OF YOURS
AND -- >> I -- YES. IT HAPPENED.
I DATED HIM TWICE. >> Jimmy: YOU DATED PRINCE >> I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS A DATE,
BECAUSE IT'S PRINCE. >> Jimmy: YEAH >> SO, THE MANAGER CALLS ME,
AND HE SAYS, "PRINCE WANTS YOUR PHONE NUMBER." I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, RIGHT."
[ SNORTING ] [ LAUGHTER ] THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED
>> Jimmy: YEAH >> AND THEN, RUTH, HIS ASSISTANT, CALLED ME AND SAID,
"NO, PRINCE, REALLY. SO, I DRIVE IN MY HONDA CR-V IN L.A., TO -- IT WAS WHEN HE WAS
THE SYMBOL -- TO THE SYMBOL, AND I GOT THROUGH, AND THERE WAS A BIG
PURPLE CARPET, AND A WAITRESS THERE. AND I WENT IN, AND THE --
THE -- THE HALLWAY WAS AS BIG AS THIS ROOM AND I HEAR -- I'M IN THE
LIBRARY, AND I'M LOOKING AT WHAT PRINCE IS READING, RIGHT? AND I HEAR, "CLICK, CLICK,
CLICK, CLICK, CLICK, CLICK >> Jimmy: YEAH >> IT'S HIM IN HIS HEELS COMING
TOWARD ME. >> Jimmy: YES, THAT'S RIGHT. HE WORE HEELS.
YES, CORRECT >> WHICH WAS FANTASTIC FOR ME, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW.
SO HE COMES IN, AND I GO, "HI, I'M -- I WANT TO "PARTY LIKE IT'S 1999" AND RIDE YOUR
'RASPBERRY BERET.'" >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOD [ CHEERS ]
HE JUST WAS LIKE, "WHOMP, WHOMP. >> Jimmy: NO
[ LAUGHTER ] >> AND THEN WE -- WE HAD SALMON
AND I HATE FISH. AND, SO, I PUT IT IN MY NAPKIN [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I LOVE THESE DETAILS >> OH, YEAH. I'LL NEVER FORGET, BECAUSE -
>> Jimmy: WHAT DOES HIS -- WHAT DID HIS PLACE LOOK LIKE? >> IT'S -- IT'S A MUSEUM
>> Jimmy: YEAH >> IT WAS A MUSEUM A MUSEUM
I MEAN - THEN HE SAID, "DO YOU WANT TO GO SEE MY GUITARS.
I'M LIKE, "NO -- OF COURSE!" >> Jimmy: YES. >> SO WE GO DOWN HIS BASEMENT,
WHICH IS MASSIVE AND THERE'S -- Y'ALL, PROBABLY 200 GUITARS LINED UP, STANDING
THERE. AND HE SAID, "PICK ONE UP. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE?"
I PICKED UP THIS WHITE ONE PICKED IT UP AND START PLAYING A LITTLE BIT
I'M TERRIBLE AND I COULDN'T BELIEVE I PLAYED IN FRONT OF HIM.
I MEAN, REALLY AND I TURNED IT OVER, IT WAS REALLY HEAVY
AND I GOT, "WHAT'S ALL THIS SCRATCHING ON THE BACK?" HE GOES, "ELVIS'S BELT."
[ AUDIENCE OOHS >> Jimmy: YO, THAT'S A WAY TO SAY IT, RIGHT?
THAT'S HOW COOL HE WAS >> I'M -- YES, I WAS TALKING LIKE -
[ MUMBLING ] [ LAUGHTER ] I CAN'T GET MAD, YOU KNOW?
>> Jimmy: OH, MY - >> I'M SO GLAD I DIDN'T. BUT -- YEAH.
>> Jimmy: BUT GREAT STORY. >> OH, I JUST COULDN'T BELIEVE THAT HE -- OH, HE TOOK ME DOWN
IN THE - IN THE BASEMENT, IN A MOVIE ROOM
AND HE SAID, "WATCH THIS." AND HE, I DID THIS OPERA CALLED "CANDIDE" ON -- AND IT WAS ON
PBS. AND, HE SAID, "LOOK AT THE -- YOU SING THIS ARIA
YOU INSPIRE ME." I'M SORRY. IT'S SO WEIRD TO CRY, BUT I
THOUGHT, "ARE YOU INSANE?" I'M NOT WATCHING MYSELF. AND HE SAID, "WHAT YOU DO IS
WHAT I LIKE TO DO WITH THE GUITAR." AND ANYWAY -
>> Jimmy: ISN'T THAT UNBELIEVABLE >> ISN'T THAT COOL
>> Jimmy: I LOVE THAT STORY, THANK YOU FOR TELLING US THAT STORY.
>> OF COURSE >> Jimmy: I APPRECIATE IT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> I DON'T TELL IT VERY OFTEN. >> Jimmy: YOU EVEN KNOW HIM. YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL -- THAT
MEANS MORE TO ME -- I GET IT AND I LOVE IT. I APPRECIATE IT.
>> THANK YOU I LOVE HIM >> Jimmy: I WANT TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT "HAPPINESS IS... CHRISTMAS! >> OH, RIGHT
THAT RIGHT. >> Jimmy: THAT'S WHY WE -- WE
GOT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR ALBUM I THINK THIS IS A GREAT YEAR TO PUT OUT A HOLIDAY ALBUM.
>> THEY -- THEY WERE LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? AND I SAID, "I REALLY WANT TO
DO A COUNTRY ALBUM." AND THEY SAID, "NO, HOW ABOUT A CHRISTMAS.
AND I WASN'T IN THE MOOD BUT THEN I STARTED THINKING ABOUT LIGHT -- LIGHT AT THE END
OF THE TUNNEL, YOU KNOW? >> Jimmy: YEAH >> AND THAT'S WHY I DID IT
>> Jimmy: YEAH EXACTLY. WELL, THANK YOU FOR DOING THAT
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I LOVE YOU KRISTIN CHENOWETH, EVERYBODY
"HAPPINESS IS... CHRISTMAS!" IS OUT NOW. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
STAND-UP FROM ALI KOLBERT. STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* >> Jimmy: OUR NEXT GUEST IS THE HOST OF "THE ALI KOLBERT SHOW,"
AVAILABLE AT APPLE PODCASTS. PLEASE WELCOME THE VERY FUNNY, ALI KOLBERT!
* >> HI, YOU GUYS!
OH, MY GOD, IT IS SO GOOD TO BE BACK ON "THE TONIGHT SHOW. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
I JUST GOT MY BOOSTER, SO I CAN FINALLY SEE MY FAMILY THIS THANKSGIVING
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE OH, NOT THE SHOT, THE SEAT [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
I'M -- I'M LEAVING THE KIDS TABLE. [ CHEERS ]
I FINALLY GET TO BE AT EYE LINE [ LAUGHTER ]
I AM FUN-SIZED, SO I GET HIT ON BY A LOT OF YOUNG DUDES, LIKE 10-YEAR-OLD BOYS
[ LAUGHTER ] COMING UP TO ME BEING LIKE, "WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR,
MAMA?" [ LAUGHTER ] I WAS AT THE GROCERY STORE, THE
OTHER DAY, WITH MY FRIEND. AND MY FRIEND IS MY AGE, BUT SHE LOOKS LIKE ADULT HUMAN
WOMAN. AND THIS LITTLE BOY GOES UP TO HER AND HE SAYS, "EXCUSE ME
MISS, I REALLY LIKE YOUR DAUGHTER." [ LAUGHTER ]
I WAS LIKE, "DUDE, HOW OLD ARE YOU? DO YOU EVEN HAVE AN ALLOWANCE?
[ LAUGHTER ] HE WAS LIKE, "YEAH, I HAVE AN ALLOWANCE.
SO, GOING TO HIS LITTLE LEAGUE GAME TOMORROW. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
GO RACERS. I FIGURED THIS OUT, THAT THERE'S TWO TYPES OF MEN IN THE
WORLD, OKAY? THERE'S A NICE GUY AND A SHADY GUY.
AND YOUR NICE GUY IS AMAZON, OKAY [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
YOUR SHADY GUY IS USPS [ LAUGHTER ] AMAZON'S ALWAYS HITTING YOU UP
WITH UPDATES, "I'LL BE RIGHT THERE. USPS, YOU'RE LIKE, "HEY, WHERE
ARE YOU. [ LAUGHTER ] AND HE'S JUST LIKE, "SOMEWHERE
IN NEW JERSEY, BABY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I'M LIKE, "I THOUGHT YOU WERE
COMING OVER. HE'S LIKE, "STAY HOME BETWEEN 12:00 AND 6:00, MAYBE I'LL
SWING BY." [ LAUGHTER ] AMAZON'S SUPER EXCITED
HE COMES IMMEDIATELY [ LAUGHTER ] LIKE, "HOW WAS THAT FOR YOU?
USPS IS LIKE, "YO, CAN I LEAVE MY PACKAGE UNPROTECTED?" [ LAUGHTER ]
I THINK DUDES TALK A BIG GAME, YOU KNOW THEY'RE LIKE, LET ME TAKE YOU
OUT. I'M LIKE, "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A TOP SHEET IS, CONNOR."
[ LAUGHTER ] WE'RE NOT GOING OUT. YOU OWN ONE TOWEL.
I'VE MET GUYS WHO SWEAR THEY HAVE TWO TOWELS. THEY HAVE ONE TOWEL THAT'S
RIPPED IN HALF [ LAUGHTER ] THAT IS NOT TWO.
I FEEL LIKE THE SEXISM IN THIS COUNTRY'S OUT OF CONTROL LIKE, A DUDE HOOKS UP WITH A
A TON OF WOMEN, "OH, HE'S A PLAYER." I HOOK UP WITH A TON OF WOMEN,
"OH, LESBIAN!" [ LAUGHTER ] NOT COOL
I DID GET A GIRLFRIEND OVER THE PANDEMIC AND THESE GIRLFRIENDS, THEY ASK
A LOT OF QUESTIONS MY GIRLFRIEND'S GOT A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
SHE WANTS TO HAVE A BABY SHE'S LIKE, "WHO'S GOING TO CARRY?
WHO'S DOING IVF? WHOSE SPERM ARE WE USING I'M LIKE, I GOT A QUESTION,
"WHO'S DOING THIS WITH YOU OKAY [ LAUGHTER ]
'CAUSE I'M OUT, NO DEAL. THAT'S HOW I TALK, NOW THAT I'VE SEEN EVERY SINGLE EPISODE
OF "SHARK TANK." [ LAUGHTER ] I'M LIKE, "I'LL NEVER MAKE MY
MONEY BACK ON A TODDLER, SWEETHEART I'M OUT.
[ LAUGHTER ] NO DEAL. I THINK -- I THINK IT'S
INTERESTING HOW YOU FIGURE OUT YOUR SEXUALITY LIKE, WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, WE
WOULD PLAY SPIN THE BOTTLE AND IF A GIRL SPUN THE BOTTLE AND IT LANDED ON ANOTHER GIRL,
EVERYONE WOULD BE LIKE, "OH, REDO." AND I'D ALWAYS BE LIKE, "STICK
TO THE RULES, OKAY [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I RESPECT THE INTEGRITY OF THIS
GAME PUCKER UP, JENNA!" [ LAUGHTER ]
AND LIKE, I WAS IN A SORORITY IN COLLEGE THAT'S QUITE THE CONUNDRUM, TO
BE A LESBIAN IN A SORORITY 'CAUSE EVERYONE'S JUST LIKE, "WE ARE SISTERS.
AND I'M LIKE, "NOT BY BLOOD. [ LAUGHTER ] "WE CAN STILL DO STUFF
I DIDN'T JOIN THIS FOR FAMILY! [ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THANK YOU SO MUCH. I'M ALI KOLBERT! THANK YOU, GUYS.
* >> Jimmy: I LOVE - OH, MY GOD
OH, ALI KOLBERT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ALI KOLBERT.
"THE ALI KOLBERT SHOW" IS AVAILABLE ON APPLE PODCASTS. MY THANKS TO JEREMY RENNER,
KRISTIN CHENOWETH, ALI KOLBERT, ONCE AGAIN [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
AND THE ROOTS, RIGHT THERE, FROM PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA
THANK YOU FOR WATCHING STAY TUNED FOR "LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS.