>> Steve: FROM STUDIO 6B IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER IN THE HEART
OF NEW YORK CITY, IT'S "THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON."
TONIGHT, JOIN JIMMY AND HIS GUESTS - TAYLOR SWIFT
COLIN QUINN, COMEDIAN JARED FREID AND FEATURING THE LEGENDARY
ROOTS CREW >> Questlove: 1549 >> Steve: AND NOW, HERE HE IS,
JIMMY FALLON
*
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOODNESS.
LOOK AT THAT LOOK AT THAT RIGHT THERE HEY!
LOOK AT YOU. WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME. OH, MY GOD
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I LOVE YOU, BUDDY. WELCOME TO "THE TONIGHT SHOW."
YOU GUYS, IT IS VETERANS DAY AND TONIGHT, OUR ENTIRE AUDIENCE IS MADE UP OF
VETERANS, ACTIVE MILITARY AND MILITARY FAMILIES. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT. WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME. THAT'S RIGHT IT'S JUST LIKE OUR FLEET WEEK
AUDIENCE BUT SOBER [ LAUGHTER ] ALL KIDDING ASIDE, I WANT TO
SAY THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE YOU TRULY ARE THE BRAVEST. THANK YOU.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I MEAN IT. I -- THE CLOSEST MOST OF US
HAVE COME TO A WAR ZONE IS SHOPPING ON BLACK FRIDAY AT T.J. MAXX.
[ LAUGHTER ] "GIVE THAT TO ME IT'S NOT EVEN MY SIZE.
YUP, THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO HAVE SEEN MORE COMBAT THAN YOU GUYS ARE FLIGHT ATTENDANTS ON
SOUTHWEST. I REMEMBER -- I REMEMBER TELLING MY DAD THAT I THOUGHT
A LIFE IN UNIFORM MIGHT BE RIGHT FOR ME, SO HE WENT OUT AND GOT ME A JOB APPLICATION
FOR PIZZA HUT. [ LAUGHTER ] SADLY, THEY SAID "NO."
[ LAUGHTER ] OF COURSE, THE SPACE FORCE COULDN'T BE HERE TONIGHT
THEY'RE BUSY - [ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THEY'RE BUSY MONITORING THE GALAXY FOR MISSILES, ALIENS AND OUR NEWEST THREAT, BORED
BILLIONAIRES [ LAUGHTER ] A LOT OF RESTAURANTS OFFERED
SPECIAL DEALS TODAY. SERVICE MEMBERS COULD GET A FREE BLOOMIN' ONION AT
OUTBACK. [ CHEERS ] FREE PANCAKES AT IHOP.
[ CHEERS ] AND A FREE DOUGHNUT AT KRISPY KREME
[ CHEERS ] AND IF YOU ATE ALL THREE, WE HAVE AN AMBULANCE OUTSIDE
STANDING BY. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE >> Steve: OH
>> Jimmy: LET'S GET TO THE NEWS THIS POSTMASTER GENERAL JUST
SAID THAT THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICE IS READY FOR THE HOLIDAY PACKAGE RUSH
UNFORTUNATELY, THE HOLIDAY THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT IS JULY 4th
[ LAUGHTER ] BUT STILL, THEY'RE READY THAT'S RIGHT
THE POST OFFICE IS PREPARED, MEANING THEY PREPARED HUNDREDS OF SIGNS THAT SAY "NEXT WINDOW
PLEASE." [ LAUGHTER ] THAT'S RIGHT
THEY SAID THEY'RE READY FOR THE RUSH ALTHOUGH, I DON'T KNOW HOW I
FEEL ABOUT THE NEW SLOGAN, "UNITED STATES POSTAL SERVICE, WE CAN HANDLE YOUR PACKAGE."
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU CAN'T SAY THAT >> Steve: WHY WOULD YOU SAY
THAT >> Jimmy: YOU CAN'T SAY THAT ANY MORE
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE YOU CAN'T -- YOU CAN'T SAY THAT -
>> Questlove: PACKAGE. >> Jimmy: SOME BUSINESS NEWS THE TUNA LAWSUIT AGAINST SUBWAY
SANDWICHES IS BACK YEAH, AND NOW, THEY'RE SAYING THE TUNA CONTAINS CHICKEN, PORK
AND CATTLE DNA [ AUDIENCE EWS ] EVEN CRAZIER, WHEN THEY TESTED
SUBWAY'S CHICKEN AND PORK, THEY FOUND IT WAS 100% TUNA >> Steve: REALLY
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: YEAH, CHICKEN, PORK AND CATTLE DNA
RIGHT NOW, SUBWAY'S THINKING, "ALL THINGS CONSIDERED, NOT BAD.
[ LAUGHTER ] "THEY'RE ALL MEATS, RIGHT? THAT'S -- SUBWAY'S LIKE, "WHAT
DO YOU WANT FROM US? IT'S FISH SERVED WITH AN ICE CREAM SCOOP.
COME ON, WHAT DO YOU WANT? [ LAUGHTER ] IT'S NOT LIKE MORIMOTO IS
SHARPENING HIS KNIVES BACK THERE, CUTTING IT UP [ LAUGHTER ]
WELL, I READ THAT THE CEO OF ROYAL CARIBBEAN SAID THAT THE COMPANY IS SEEING HISTORICALLY
STRONG BOOKINGS FOR CRUISES NEXT SUMMER. RIGHT NOW, MEMBERS OF THE
COAST GUARD AND NAVY ARE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER, IT'S LIKE, "SO YOU GUYS GOING TO
HANDLE THIS OR SHOULD WE?" [ LAUGHTER ] MEANWHILE, CARNIVAL CRUISES
STILL HASN'T LET PEOPLE OFF THE BOATS FROM MARCH 2020. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
NOT LOOKING GOOD "MORE TUNA." [ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S RIGHT, ROYAL CARIBBEAN SAID IT IS EXPECTING A RECORD PROFITS AND THEN THE CEO OF
IMODIUM WAS LIKE, "SAME HERE." [ LAUGHTER ] SOME -- SOME AIR -- THANK YOU.
SOME AIRLINE -- SOME AIRLINE NEWS THE FAA HAS PROPOSED MORE THAN
$200,000 IN FINES FOR TEN UNRULY PASSENGERS. YEAH
AND THIS IS NICE STARTING TODAY, IF YOU'RE FLYING FROM FLORIDA, THEY ASK
IF YOU WANT TO PRE-PAY YOUR FINE [ AUDIENCE AWS ]
[ LAUGHTER ] "HOLD MY -- HOLD MY FOUR LOCO. THAT'S HOW I'M --"
[ LAUGHTER ] GET THIS, I READ THAT A NEW SURVEY FOUND THAT 80% OF
AMERICANS USE SLANG WORDS BUT ONLY HALF KNOW WHAT THE SLANG TERMS THEY USE ACTUALLY MEAN
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] THOSE AREN'T GREAT NUMBERS, SO I THOUGHT I WOULD HELP EVERYONE
BRUSH UP ON THEIR SLANG DEFINITIONS WITH A TINY SONG [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* ACTING EXTRA MEAN OVER THE TOP STILL THE TE
MEANS YOU SHOULD * * SHARE THE GOS RECEIPTS ARE PROOF
IF YOU SEEM SU SUS IS SHORT * * FOR SUSPICIOU
GUCCI'S COOL AND FLEX I SHOWING OFF *
[ LAUGHTER ] * CURVES IS WHEN YO IGNORE A FLIRTY TEXT
NO CAP MEANS FOR REA WE MOVE MEANS YES * * SIMPING IS WHEN
YOU LIKE SOMEONE BUT DO TOO MUCH FOR THEM *
* AND SIMPS ARE ALMOS STANS BUT JUST NOT - >> Jimmy: DANG, SORRY.
[ LAUGHTER ] ALL RIGHT, LET ME DO IT ONE MORE TIME.
CAN I DO IT ONE MORE TIME? ALL RIGHT, GO. [ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH, DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME CLAPPING BECAUSE WHO KNOWS HOW MANY TAKES I GOTTA DO THIS
[ LAUGHTER ] EXHAUSTED. >> Steve: GO WASH YOUR HANDS
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE YOU'LL BE ASLEEP - YOU'LL BE ASLEEP BY THE TIME --
YEAH, HERE WE GO [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> Steve: YOUR HANDS ARE NUMB.
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO *
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Steve: OH [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: WELL, I THOUGHT I WAS HAVING A STROKE. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS
HAPPENING. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Questlove: OH
>> Jimmy: I HAD IHOP PANCAKES. I HAD A KRISPY KREME [ LAUGHTER ]
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO. * ACTING EXTRA -- NO. [ LAUGHTER ]
SORRY, BUD * ACTING EXTRA -- * YEAH, THERE YOU GO
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO. GET READY FOR THIS [ LAUGHTER ]
* ACTING EXTR MEANS OVER THE TOP SPILL THE TE
MEANS YOU SHOULD * * SHARE THE GOS RECEIPTS ARE PROOF
IF YOU SEEM SU SUS IS SHORT * * FOR SUSPICIOU
GUCCI'S COOL AND FLEX I SHOWING OFF *
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SILENT EITHER I MEAN, YOU CAN --
[ LAUGHTER ] IT'S A FUNERAL FOR GOD'S SAKE. DID SOMEONE DIE?
JESUS. >> Steve: WOW. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I WAS HEARING -- I WAS HEARING TAPPING FROM - I WAS HEARING TAPPING FOR THE
TENTH FLOOR. >> Steve: YEAH [ LAUGHTER ]
GOSH YOU SAID, "DON'T CLAP. >> Jimmy: I DID SAY, "DON'T
CLAP." YEAH, I -- WELL, I'M - >> Steve: YOU DID WHAT YOU TOLD
THEM TO DO >> Jimmy: AND I WAS LIKE, "CLAP.
YEAH >> Steve: --CLAPPING. YOU DIDN'T SAY LAUGH
>> Jimmy: I COULD HEAR SOMEONE CHEWING GUM. IT WAS SO QUIET.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND IT WAS OFF BEAT TOO. THAT WAS THE WORSE PART.
>> Steve: WHAT [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING
TO GET THIS NOW. [ CHEERS ] [ LAUGHTER ]
* ACTING EXTRA MEAN OVER THE TOP STILL THE TE
MEANS YOU SHOULD * * SHARE THE GOS RECEIPTS ARE PROOF
IF YOU SEEM SU SUS IS SHORT * * FOR SUSPICIOU
GUCCI'S COOL AND FLEX I SHOWING OFF *
[ CHEERS ] * CURVES IS WHEN YO IGNORE A FLIRTY TEXT
NO CAP MEANS FOR REA WE MOVE MEANS YES * * SIMPING IS WHEN
YOU LIKE SOMEONE BUT DO TOO MUCH FOR THEM *
* AND SIMPS ARE ALMOS STANS BUT NOT QUITE YE SLEPT ON MEANS SOMETHING
DESERVES MORE HEAT * * AND IF YOU WANT TO SAY WOO HOO SAY YEET *
* SO NOW YOU KNOW THE SLANG TO DRO THE NEXT TIM
THAT YOU SPEAK * * THESE ALL WILL BE OUTDATED BY NEXT WEEK *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * [ LAUGHTER ]
THANK YOU. [ LAUGHTER ] THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR BEING
SO PATIENT [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE FINALLY, A MAN IN FRANCE SET A
A WORLD RECORD FOR STANDING ON TOP OF A HOT AIR BALLOON NEARLY 12,000 FEET IN THE SKY
CHECK THIS OUT
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THE ONLY THING MORE DANGEROUS IS EATING THE TUNA AT SUBWAY
[ LAUGHTER ] WHEN HE CAME BACK DOWN, HE WAS LIKE, "YEAH, STILL NO SIGNAL."
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW GIVE IT UP FOR THE ROOTS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME TO OUR SHOW, EVERYBODY.
AS I MENTIONED BEFORE, TODAY IS VETERANS DAY AND TONIGHT'S AUDIENCE IS MADE UP ENTIRELY OF
VETERANS, ACTIVE MILITARY AND THEIR FAMILY, THEIR FRIENDS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* IT IS AN HONOR TO HAVE YOU ALL WITH US TONIGHT.
THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SERVICE TO THIS COUNTRY AND THANK YOU TO ALL OF THE VETERANS WATCHING
AT HOME AND ALL OF OUR VETERANS ON OUR STAFF AND CREW. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
BECAUSE -- REALLY. IT'S BECAUSE OF YOU AND YOUR SACRIFICES THAT WE GET TO DO
WHAT WE DO EVERY NIGHT, SO REALLY, THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE OH TONIGHT, WE HAVE AN AMAZING
SHOW FOR YOU SHE'S AN 11-TIME GRAMMY WINNING MUSIC SUPERSTAR WHO HAS SOLD
OVER 114 MILLION ALBUMS WORLDWIDE. SHE'S SPENT MORE WEEKS AT
NUMBER ONE THAN ANY OTHER FEMALE ARTIST IN BILLBOARD HISTORY.
THIS WEEKEND, SHE'S THE MUSICAL GUEST ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" AND HER NEW ALBUM, "RED
(TAYLOR'S VERSION)," IS AVAILABLE TONIGHT AT MIDNIGHT. TAYLOR SWIFT IS HERE TONIGHT
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Steve: COME ON. COME ON.
WHAT >> Jimmy: SHE'S UNBELIEVABLE I CAN'T EVEN COMPARE
>> Steve: YEAH >> Jimmy: SHE'S UNBELIEVABLE SHE'S PHENOMENAL
WE'LL BE TALKING TO TAYLOR AND THEN WE'RE GOING TO PLAY "BOX OF LIES" LATER IN THE SHOW
[ AUDIENCE OOHS SO STICK AROUND FOR THAT, YEAH PLUS, YOU CAN SEE HIM RIGHT NOW
IN HIS NEW STAND UP SHOW, "THE LAST BEST HOPE." COLIN QUINN IS HERE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE A FUNNY HUMAN BEING RIGHT THERE.
>> Steve: HE'S THE FUNNIEST MAN ON THE PLANET. >> Jimmy: I LOVE HIM
AND WE GOT GREAT STAND-UP FROM JARED FREID RIGHT HERE >> Steve: OH
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: THE "U UP?" PODCAST. SO STICK AROUND.
WHEN WE COME BACK, I'M PLAYING "BOX OF LIES" WITH TAYLOR SWIFT
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK TO THE
"TONIGHT SHOW. WE'RE ABOUT TO PLAY A GAME CALLED "BOX OF LIES.
BUT I'M GOING TO NEED SOME HELP SHE IS THIS WEEK'S MUSICAL
GUEST ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," AND HER ALBUM "RED (TAYLOR'S VERSION)" IS OUT AT MIDNIGHT
TONIGHT. PLEASE WELCOME, TAYLOR SWIFT
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * >> HELLO
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU SO MUCH. TAYLOR, GET READY TO PLAY -- WE'VE NEVER PLAYED THIS GAME,
HAVE WE? >> WE HAVE NOT PLAYED THIS GAME
>> Jimmy: NO, WE'VE PLAYED A A BUNCH OF GAMES, BUT THIS ONE IS A NEW ONE
HERE WE GO >> YEAH. >> Jimmy: NOW, HERE'S HOW IT
WORKS. WE HAVE NINE MYSTERY BOXES CONTAINING OBJECTS NO ONE HAS
EVER SEEN BEFORE ON YOUR TURN, YOU PICK A BOX TAKE OUT THE OBJECT.
DESCRIBE THE OBJECT TO YOUR OPPONENT, OKAY AND THEY HAVE TO GUESS IF
YOU'RE LYING OR TELLING THE TRUTH. WE'LL PLAY THREE ROUNDS.
I MEAN, AND YOU KNOW, I'M NOT THAT GOOD OF AN ACTOR SO - >> THAT'S RIDICULOUS
DON'T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT THAT'S YOUR FIRST LIE. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
IMMEDIATELY KNOW >> Jimmy: WHY DON'T YOU CHOOSE THE FIRST BOX.
ANYONE ANY NUMBER YOU'D LIKE. >> OKAY.
>> Jimmy: OH, NUMBER ONE OKAY >> BIG SHOCK
>> Jimmy: YEAH, YEAH OH, LOOK AT THIS NOT THAT HEAVY, SO THAT'S THE
FIRST HINT ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO, YEAH. >> OH, MY GOD.
>> Jimmy: UH-HUH [ LAUGHTER ] >> WHERE DO I PUT IT
>> Jimmy: YOU CAN PUT IT HERE IN THE FRONT I WON'T SEE IT
ARE YOU GOING TO LIE TO ME, OR ARE YOU GOING TO TELL THE TRUTH TAYLOR SWIFT
>> I DON'T HAVE TO LIE, BECAUSE I'M VERY EXCITED TO TELL YOU IT'S A "WIZARDS OF WAVERLY
PLACE" DVD WITH A WEIRD RIBBON AROUND IT THAT SAYS, "I SEE CORN."
>> Jimmy: SO SPECIFIC. IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING OUR WRITERS WOULD DO, BUT THEN
YOU'RE DELIVERING IT VERY INNOCENT WHICH MAKES ME THINK THAT
YOU'RE MAYBE MAKING IT UP. NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING THAT I SAID YOU'RE MAKING IT UP.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> I COULD BE DOING A DOUBLE BLUFF.
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, I'M JUST GOING TO SAY IT. TAYLOR SWIFT, YOU ARE TELLING
THE TRUTH. >> I LIED! [ BUZZER ]
>> Jimmy: AH COME ON! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
OH, MY GOD >> I LIED. >> Jimmy: YOU LIED
YOU DID IT >> I LIED. >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOD
>> I HAVE A BINOCULARS SET WITH CORN STUFFED IN IT IT'S VERY UPSETTING.
IT HAS BABY CORN AT THE TOP. IT'S BAD [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I'M SORRY. >> YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN I WAS LYING, BECAUSE I WILL DO
ANYTHING TO BRING UP SELENA GOMEZ ANYTHING
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: I WANT TO -- IT'S MY TURN TO PICK
WHICH NUMBER SHALL I PICK? [ AUDIENCE SHOUTING [ GROANING ]
>> OKAY, THIS IS EXCELLENT THIS IS REALLY ROUGH WHAT'S HAPPENING OVER HERE
OKAY >> Jimmy: OKAY *
[ LAUGHTER ] WHERE DO I BEGIN [ LAUGHTER ]
>> IT'S A GOOD ONE >> Jimmy: YEAH >> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: IT'S A FAMILY OF PINECONES PLAYING "TROUBLE." >> THE GAME?
>> Jimmy: NO, THE SONG >> WOULD BE RELEVANT >> Jimmy: "I KNEW YOU WERE
TROUBLE. IT WOULD BE RELEVANT >> IT WOULD BE RELEVANT.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING. >> I JUST DIDN'T KNOW IF THEY
HAD THE SHEET MUSIC FOR IT OR SOMETHING. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: JUST WHATEVER IT IS, IT'S ODD IT'S WEIRD, AND IT'S REAL.
OR AM I LYING? >> UM, WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE TELLING THE TRUTH ABOUT THE
PINECONE, BUT MAYBE * TROUBLE, TROUBLE, TROUBLE * >> OKAY.
[ DRUMROLL ] YOU TELLSTHE TRUTH [ AUDIENCE OHS ]
[ BUZZER ] >> Jimmy: I GOT YOU! >> OH, MY GOD!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * MY GOD
>> Jimmy: AH [ LAUGHTER ] WOOO-WOOO.
THAT FELT GOOD MAN, I'M EXHAUSTED >> THAT WAS AMAZING.
YOU SHOULD BE. >> Jimmy: I DON'T ACT. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ACT.
>> NO, YOU DO. >> Jimmy: DON'T KNOW HOW TO ACT.
>> EITHER THAT OR WE'RE LIKE THE WORST POKER PLAYERS -- THE WORST.
WE SHOULD NEVER -- WE SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED OUTSIDE >> Jimmy: WE REALLY SHOULDN'T
BE ALLOWED OUTSIDE >> TOO GULLIBLE. >> Jimmy: WE'RE TOO GULLIBLE
>> YEAH. >> Jimmy: YOU KNOW WHAT? >> I JUST WANT TO BELIEVE.
>> Jimmy: AND I JUST TRUST YOU BUT HERE WE GO THIS IS THE LAST ONE
>> OKAY. >> Jimmy: THIS IS FOR ALL THE MARBLES RIGHT HERE
>> YEAH. >> Jimmy: TAYLOR, YOU'RE UP. HERE WE GO
COME ON. WHICH ONE? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THREE? ALL RIGHT. I'M NOT LOOKING.
NOT LOOKING. NOT LOOKING. NOT HEARING.
NOT LISTENING. WE CAN STILL MAKE NOISE SO I DON'T CHEAT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING. >> OKAY.
* >> I'VE GOT IN MY VISION, UM, A BOOK
[ LAUGHTER ] A BOOK CALLED "I'M NOT LOVING IT, MY LIFE UNDER THE GOLDEN
ARCHES," AND IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S A BIOGRAPHY WRITTEN BY - >> Jimmy: RAY CROFT?
>> --BY A FUZZY MONSTER WITH, UM, STEEL HANDS. [ LAUGHTER ]
UM, IT SAY'S IT'S WRITTEN BY GRIMACE. IS THAT -- IS THAT -- IS THAT
A SPOKESPERSON FOR SOMETHING >> Jimmy: IT'S VERY FAMOUS GRIMACE IS VERY, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH YOU'RE VERY YOUNG, TAYLOR. BUT, YES, GRIMACE IS GIANT
WE DON'T KNOW REALLY WHAT GRIMACE WAS WAS HE PURPLE AND WHERE YOU ARE?
>> IT'S ACTUALLY A BLACK AND WHITE COVER. IT'S A VERY SERIOUS BOOK
UM, INSIDE THE BOOK -- YOU KNOW HOW YOU CAN CUT OUT THE PAGES OF A BOOK?
>> Jimmy: SURE, I KNOW THAT. >> YEAH, THERE'S FRENCH FRIES, AND A HAMBURGER IN HERE.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: WOW! TAYLOR SWIFT -
[ DRUM ROLL YOU TELL THE TRUTH >> I DO.
>> Jimmy: YES! [ DINGS [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOSH! TAYLOR SWIFT
THAT WAS STRESSFUL, OH, MY GOSH I HAVE TO TAKE -- I'M TAKING
THAT HOME BY THE WAY YOU CAN TAKE THAT HOME >> IT SMELLS DELICIOUS
>> Jimmy: YOU CAN HAVE THAT. YEAH, YOU CAN HAVE THAT. TAYLOR SWIFT, EVERYBODY.
I'M TALKING TO TAYLOR MORE AFTER THE BREAK. STICK AROUND
COME ON BACK [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
>> Jimmy: OUR FIRST GUEST IS AN 11-TIME GRAMMY WINNER AND THE ONLY WOMAN EVER TO WIN THREE
ALBUM OF THE YEAR AWARDS, EVER THIS WEEKEND, SHE'LL PERFORMING ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" AND
HER NEW ALBUM, "RED (TAYLOR'S VERSION)," IS AVAILABLE AT MIDNIGHT TONIGHT
PLEASE WELCOME THE ONE, THE ONLY TAYLOR SWIFT!
* [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: WOW!
WHOA YEAH WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME BACK
IT'S SO GREAT TO SEE YOU >> YOU KNOW WHAT, IT'S REALLY GREAT TO SEE YOU TOO
>> Jimmy: I MISS YOU, BUD. >> I MISS YOU TOO. >> Jimmy: I PROMISE YOU THIS
TIME I DID NOT TALK TO YOUR MOM. I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE ANY
EMBARRASSING VIDEOS OF YOU - >> WOW >> Jimmy: -- LIKE I DID LAST
TIME, YEAH NO, THIS IS -- >> YEAH, WE DON'T LET MY MOM
HAVE A PHONE AROUND ME ANY MORE >> Jimmy: YEAH
I JUST WANT TO -- I THINK YOU'RE PHENOMENAL, I JUST WANT TO JUST -- TO SAY THAT
>> THANK YOU, I THINK YOU'RE PHENOMENAL >> Jimmy: NO, BUT YOU ARE JUST
UNBELIEVABLE [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THERE'S NO -- I DON'T EVEN KNOW
IF YOU UNDERSTAND HOW GREAT YOU ARE AND HOW COOL YOU ARE AND HOW PHENOMENAL YOU ARE
BUT I MEAN LIKE -- >> WELL, CAN I INTERRUPT AND SAY IT'S REALLY PHENOMENAL TO
BE IN THE PRESENCE OF MEN AND WOMEN WHO HAVE SERVED OUR COUNTRY, SO THANK YOU.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: IT'S KIND OF PERFECT THEY'RE AMAZING.
>> THEY'RE AMAZING WE DON'T -- WE'VE NEVER DONE THAT, AND YOU'RE AMAZING
>> Jimmy: YEAH AND IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT, "RED (TAYLOR'S VERSION)" WILL BE OUT
VERY SOON, LIKE IN A MATTER OF MINUTES. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
CAN YOU BELIEVE? >> I'M REALLY -- I'M REALLY, REALLY EXCITED ABOUT IT.
I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH THE PROCESS OF RE-RECORDING ALL OF MY OLDER MUSIC AND WHAT I'M
REALLY EXCITED ABOUT IS THESE SONGS THAT NO ONE'S EVER HEARD BEFORE THAT WERE SUPPOSED TO BE
ON THAT ALBUM, AND I'VE GOT ARTISTS LIKE CHRIS STAPLETON AND PHOEBE BRIDGERS FEATURED ON
THEM, SO >> Jimmy: I MEAN, COME ON! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
WHAT SONG ARE YOU MOST EXCITED FOR THE FANS TO HEAR >> THANK YOU FOR ASKING, I'LL
TELL YOU [ LAUGHTER ] GO ON.
THE ONE THAT I AM THE MOST EXCITED ABOUT IS A SONG CALLED "ALL TOO WELL IN PARENTHESES
(THE 10 MINUTE VERSION). >> Jimmy: YEAH, THE 10 MINUTE VERSION.
>> SO -- >> Jimmy: EXPLAIN THIS >> -- I WILL
[ LAUGHTER ] BASICALLY, AND THE WAY THAT THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN WAS -- I
WAS GOING THROUGH A BIT OF A A SAD TIME AND I WAS 22. AND I WAS IN BAND REHEARSALS,
AND I THINK I WAS 21 OR WHATEVER, AND I WAS IN BAND REHEARSALS FOR A TOUR THAT I
WAS ABOUT TO GO OUT ON CALLED "SPEAK NOW" TOUR, AND I SHOWED UP FOR REHEARSALS AND I JUST
WAS REALLY UPSET AND SAD AND EVERYBODY COULD TELL, IT WAS REALLY, LIKE, NOT FUN TO BE
AROUND ME THAT DAY AND SO I STARTED PLAYING GUITAR AND JUST KIND OF PLAYING THE
SAME FOUR CHORDS OVER AND OVER AGAIN. AND I JUST STARTED KIND OF --
THE BAND SORT OF JOINED IN, AND I STARTED AD LIBBING WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH AND WHAT I WAS
FEELING, AND IT WENT ON, AND THE SONG KEPT BUILDING AND BUILDING AND BUILDING IN
INTENSITY, AND THE SONG JUST WENT ON FOR ABOUT, YOU KNOW, 10 TO 15 MINUTES OF US DOING
THIS AND THEN WE GOT DONE WITH THAT AND THEN WE MOVED ON TO THE REGULARLY SCHEDULED
REHEARSAL. AND AT THE END OF THE DAY, MY MOM CAME UP TO MY SOUND GUY AND
SHE'S LIKE, "IS THERE ANY CHANCE THAT YOU RECORDED THAT? >> Jimmy: YEAH
>> AND HE WAS LIKE, "YEP," AND HANDED HER A CD. THE TEN-MINUTE VERSION OF ALL
TOO WELL IS WHAT WAS ORIGINALLY WRITTEN FOR THE SONG BEFORE I HAD TO CUT IT DOWN TO A NORMAL
LENGTH SONG. 'CAUSE THAT'S -- YOU KNOW. >> Jimmy: YEAH, IN CASE IT GETS
PLAYED ON THE RADIO OR WHATEVER TEN MINUTES IS LONG >> 'CAUSE
THE TEN MINUTES IS ABSURD. THAT'S AN ABSURD LENGTH OF TIME FOR A SONG TO BE -
>> Jimmy: IT'S LIKE "AMERICAN PIE," YEAH, IT'S - >> WHO THINKS THAT THEY CAN PUT
OUT A TEN MINUTE SONG. >> Jimmy: WE WANT A TEN MINUTE SONG FROM YOU.
WE WANT THIS FROM YOU. >> WELL, THANKS, AND THAT'S WHAT YOU'LL GET, AND THAT'S THE
THING I'M THE MOST EXCITED ABOUT, 'CAUSE IT'S THE ORIGINAL LYRICS
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: I GOT TO SEE "ALL TOO WELL," THE SHORT FILM, EARLIER
TODAY, THANK YOU FOR SHOWING IT ME >> OH, YOU'RE SO WELCOME
>> Jimmy: IT IS AMAZING, BY THE WAY. YOU WROTE THIS, YOU DIRECTED
THIS >> YEAH! >> Jimmy: AND THIS WILL BE
RELEASED ON YOUTUBE TOMORROW AT 7:00 P.M. EASTERN. IT -- SADIE SINK, BY THE WAY
>> OH, MY GOD. >> Jimmy: NO, I LOVE HER I WAS FAN FROM "STRANGER
THINGS," I GO -- >> I FEEL LIKE PEOPLE -- LIKE, WE'VE GOT TO EXPLAIN WHAT'S
GOING ON, LIKE EVERYBODY'S SO BUSY AND I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD JUST TELL YOU, LIKE I WROTE AND
DIRECTED A SHORT FILM BASED ON THE PREMISE OF THE SONG "ALL TOO WELL."
SO I CAST SADIE SINK AND DYLAN O'BRIEN, WHO ARE INCREDIBLE ACTORS --
>> Jimmy: YES. >> -- IN THIS SHORT FILM, AND THEY COULD NOT HAVE BLOWN ME
AWAY MORE. IT WAS THE MOST UNBELIEVABLE EXPERIENCE WORKING WITH PEOPLE
WHO ARE THAT PREPARED, COMMITTED. JUST THE CHEMISTRY BETWEEN THEM
IS REALLY ON ANOTHER PLANET. >> Jimmy: AND THERE'S GOING TO BE A FILM PREMIERE FOR THIS?
>> YES, ACTUALLY, AND I HAVEN'T ACTUALLY TOLD PEOPLE THAT YET, BUT I'M SO EXCITED
IT'S GOING TO BE AT THE -- [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: SORRY ABOUT THAT
>> NO, IT'S GREAT! I'M SO, SO SORRY >> IT'S GREAT!
NO, IT'S GOOD. THIS IS A GREAT PLACE TO ANNOUNCE IT.
>> Jimmy: OKAY, PERFECT, YEAH, SORRY, YES, YES. >> THIS IS COOL.
IT'S AT THE AMC 13 THEATER IN LINCOLN SQUARE IN NEW YORK TOMORROW AFTERNOON
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: YEAH THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT
BUDDY. HOW FUN WILL THAT BE >> I MEAN, I HOPE FUN.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, IT'LL BE GREAT >> I HOPE IT'LL BE FUN >> Jimmy: MORE WITH
TAYLOR SWIFT WHEN WE COME BACK, EVERYBODY. WE'RE GOING TO TALK MORE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * >> Jimmy: YES!
WELCOME BACK, TAYLOR SWIFT IS HERE COME ON!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE "RED" IS OUT RIGHT NOW, ACTUALLY, ESSENTIALLY IS COMING
OUT RIGHT NOW WHILE THIS AIRING >> I THINK IT'S OUT.
>> Jimmy: YOUR FANS ARE AMAZING FANS, I WILL SAY THAT. I KNOW YOU SAID IT EARLIER
THEY'RE OBVIOUSLY SO EXCITED YOU'RE HERE ON OUR SHOW SO WE'RE GETTING A LOT OF BUZZ
FROM YOUR FANS AND THEY WERE LIKE, "WAIT, WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO TALK ABOUT
WHAT'S GOING ON? I HEARD THIS THIS IS TEN SECONDS LONG."
THERE'S EASTER EGGS THAT MAYBE AREN'T EVEN REALLY EASTER EGGS >> YEAH, IT'S SORT OF
A TRADITION THAT WE STARTED A VERY LONG TIME AGO I THINK, THE FIRST TIME I
STARTED DROPPING SORT OF CRYPTIC CLUES AND THINGS IN MY MUSIC IS WHEN I WAS 14 AND
15 PUTTING TOGETHER MY FIRST ALBUM. AND I WANTED TO PUT -- I WANTED
TO DO SOMETHING THAT INCENTIVIZED FANS TO READ THE LYRICS BECAUSE MY LYRICS ARE
WHAT I'M MOST PROUD OF OUT OF EVERYTHING THAT I DO, EVERY ASPECT OF MY JOB SO I REALLY
WANTED PEOPLE TO READ THE LYRICS AND SO I WANTED TO INCENTIVISE
THEM SO IN MY LYRICS, FOR MY FIRST, YOU KNOW, SEVERAL ALBUMS I WOULD HAVE ALL LOWER CASE
LETTER LYRICS, EXCEPT FOR CAPITAL LETTER, CAPITAL LETTER, CAPITAL LETTER, EVERY ONCE IN
A WHILE. AND IF THEY CIRCLED THE CAPITAL LETTER, AND WROTE IT DOWN, IT
SPELLED OUT A SECRET CODE, A A SECRET PASSAGE IT SORT OF -
>> Jimmy: SO FUN >> Jimmy: IT WAS REALLY -- IT WAS REALLY FUN, IT WOULD EITHER
TELL THEM A STORY ABOUT THE ALBUM OR HINT ABOUT WHAT THE SONG WAS ABOUT
AND SO THAT'S WHEN IT STARTED. BUT WHEN IT GOT OUT OF CONTROL WAS --
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: YEAH >> WAS WHEN I STARTED TO
REALIZE IT WASN'T JUST ME THAT HAD FUN WITH THIS, THAT THEY HAD FUN WITH IT TOO.
>> Jimmy: OH YEAH. >> AND I SHOULD NEVER HAVE LEARNED THAT, BECAUSE THEN I
COULDN'T STOP. AND THEN ALL I STARTED THINKING OF WAS HOW DO I HINT AT THINGS,
LIKE, HOW FAR IS TOO FAR IN ADVANCE? CAN I HINT AT SOMETHING THREE
YEARS IN ADVANCE CAN I EVEN PLAN THINGS OUT THAT FAR?
I THINK I'M GOING TO TRY TO DO IT >> I THINK IT IS PERFECTLY
REASONABLE FOR PEOPLE TO BE NORMAL MUSIC FANS AND TO HAVE A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP TO MUSIC
BUT IF YOU WANT TO GO DOWN A A RABBIT HOLE WITH US, COME ALONG --
>> Jimmy: TAYLOR IS YOUR PERSON - >> THE WATER'S GREAT
>> Jimmy: YEAH, THE WATERS FINE >> JUMP IN
>> Jimmy: YEAH >> WE'RE ALL MAD HERE. >> Jimmy: EXACTLY RIGHT.
[ APPLAUSE ] >> YEAH. >> Jimmy: ALSO, WITH ALL TO
WELL WITH THE SHORT FILM, I NOTICED -- I NOTICED A TON OF EASTER EGGS IN THIS.
>> OH, IT'S RIDICULOUS HOW MANY THERE ARE. >> Jimmy: WOO!
IT'S SO GOOD, I'M LIKE, "THAT'S A THING. THAT'S ANOTHER THING
I WANT TO WATCH THIS, LIKE, 30 TIMES." I'M LIKE -
>> THAT YOU -- >> Jimmy: I'M GEEKING OUT. >> THANK YOU
>> Jimmy: I'M A UBER FAN YEAH >> THAT'S SO AWESOME
>> Jimmy: MY DAUGHTERS ARE SO INTO IT TOO, WHICH IS LIKE THE BEST
I'M LIKE, "YEAH. OH, THEY LOVE YOU SO MUCH. MY LITTLE DAUGHTER, SHE GOES,
"DAD, I HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT, I CAN TELL WHENEVER IT'S A A TAYLOR SONG.
[ GASPS AND I GO, "YOU CAN?" BUT SHE DOESN'T REALIZE THAT'S
ALL WE PLAY. >> OH, MY GOD. [ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S SO AMAZING, PLEASE, TELL HER I SAID THANK YOU >> Jimmy: SHE LOVES YOU.
>> SO WONDERFUL. >> Jimmy: THIS IS A GIANT WEEK, YOU HAVE "RED," RIGHT?
TAYLOR'S VERSION, COMING OUT YOU HAVE "ALL TOO WELL," A A SHORT FILM COMING OUT.
>> YEAH. >> Jimmy: YOU'RE PERFORMING ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
>> YEAH. >> Jimmy: THIS SATURDAY. >> THIS SATURDAY
>> Jimmy: WHAT TWO SONGS - CAN WE HINT TO WHAT SONGS YOU'RE PERFORMING?
>> I LOVE TO HINT. WHICH TWO SONGS? WHAT IF IT WAS NOT TWO SONGS AS
MUCH AS IT WAS ONE SONG THAT IS THE LENGTH OF THREE SONGS? [ LAUGHTER ]
[ AUDIENCE OHS ] >> Jimmy: I THINK I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN BY THIS.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ] I GOT IT
I KNOW EXACTLY - I KNOW ALL TOO WELL WHAT YOU
MEAN, BETTY. TAYLOR SWIFT, EVERYONE [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
TAYLOR IS PERFORMING ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" THIS WEEKEND.
"RED (TAYLOR'S VERSION)", IS OFFICIALLY OUT NOW [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
MORE "TONIGHT SHOW" AFTER THE BREAK. COME ON BACK, EVERYBODY.
STICK AROUND [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
>> Jimmy: MY NEXT GUEST IS A A VERY FUNNY WRITER AND COMEDIAN WHO HAS A NEW SHOW
CALLED "THE LAST BEST HOPE," WHICH IS RUNNING HERE IN NEW YORK THROUGH NOVEMBER 20TH
AT THE LUCILLE LORTEL THEATRE. PLEASE WELCOME COLIN QUINN
* THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE IT'S ALWAYS --
>> THEY PLAYED -- THAT WAS "STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN. >> Jimmy: YEAH
>> NOT THE LED ZEPPELIN ONE. >> Jimmy: NO >> THE OTHER ONE
>> Jimmy: YEAH >> YEAH, IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE, BUT THANK YOU FOR --
>> Jimmy: YOU SEEM LIKE YOU'RE IN A BAD MOOD. >> I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
SORRY, I AM IN A BAD MOOD. >> Jimmy: WHY? >> BECAUSE YOU BRING ME OUT
AFTER TAYLOR SWIFT AND LIKE ALL OF THE EXCITEMENT, THE BIGGEST -- ONE OF THE BIGGEST
STARS, AND THEN, IT'S DELIBERATELY TO SABOTAGE AND I COME OUT HERE.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: I'M NOT DOING THIS TO SABOTAGE YOU -
>> I COME OUT IN A CORDUROY SHIRT. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I COULD HEAR YOU WALKING OUT BEFORE YOU EVEN CAME
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: I'M ACTUALLY SO HAPPY THAT YOU'RE HERE AND I WANT TO
TALK TO YOU ABOUT "THE LAST BEST HOPE," AND I WANT TO TALK ABOUT, JUST IN GENERAL, I SAW
SOMEWHERE THAT - [ LAUGHTER ] YOU'RE IN SUCH A BAD MOOD.
YOU'RE SUCH A PUNK YOU'RE SUCH A PUNK, MAN. >> YOU WERE HOLDING IT -
YOU WERE HOLDING IT SARCASTICALLY. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I WASN'T HOLDING IT SARCASTICALLY. >> I'LL HOLD IT.
>> Jimmy: I WAS HOLDING IN REVERENCE. >> I'LL HOLD IT.
>> Jimmy: OH, GOSH ALL RIGHT. I WANTED TO ASK YOU A THING,
BECAUSE I THINK THIS IS A COMPLIMENT FOR YOU A LOT OF TEACHERS --
>> OH YEAH >> Jimmy: THEY'RE ARE ASKING YOU FOR YOUR LAST SPECIAL TO BE
PUT ONLINE BECAUSE THEY WANT TO TEACH IT TO THEIR -- THEY'RE TEACHING IT TO THEIR STUDENTS.
>> ACTUALLY, THEY'RE NOT ASKING ME, THEY JUST -- THEY JUST USE IT
NOBODY'S PAYING FOR IT [ LAUGHTER ] NO MONEY, NO CREDIT, JUST USE
IT AT THEIR CLASSES. I AM GRATEFUL FOR IT, I KNOW IT SOUNDS LIKE I'M NOT.
[ LAUGHTER ] BECAUSE I CONSIDER MYSELF, I WAS ALWAYS IN THAT ROLE WITH
JIMMY, AT "SNL." I WAS REALLY A MENTOR AND A TEACHER TO YOU
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU WERE JUST A YOUNG, WET BEHIND THE EARS BOY, AND I TOLD
YOU, I'M THE REASON YOU HAVE THIS SHOW. REMEMBER WHAT I SAID -
>> Jimmy: WHAT IS GOING ON - [ LAUGHTER ] >> AND I REMEMBER TELLING YOU
EARLY ON, I SAID, "WHEN YOU LEAVE THE SHOW, DO A COUPLE OF UNWATCHABLE MOVIES
[ LAUGHTER ] THEN GO INTO TALK SHOW - [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
WHAT DID I SAY HEY, COME ON OH
>> Jimmy: WHICH ONE WAS UNWATCHABLE? [ LAUGHTER ]
BUT THIS IS -- LOOK AT THIS. YOU'RE DOING MATERIAL THAT IS GOING TO GO IN THE EDUCATIONAL
SYSTEM >> I KNOW, AND IT'S GOOD >> Jimmy: WHAT KIND OF CHANGES
WOULD YOU MAKE, IF YOU WERE A TEACHER, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO THESE KIDS?
WHAT DO THEY HAVE TO LEARN >> WELL, HERE'S THE PROBLEM, IS OUR EDUCATION SYSTEM WE TEACH,
WHAT, STUDY HARD, BEAR DOWN, YOU'LL BE A SUCCESS IN LIFE. >> Jimmy: YEAH
>> THAT'S NOT OUR SYSTEM WE'RE A SALES COUNTRY. WE SHOULD BE TEACHING KIDS THAT
THE PERSON WHO STUDIES HARD THAT GOES TO WORK AND JUST WORKS AND DOESN'T TALK TO
ANYBODY, THEY GO, "THEY'RE THE OFFICE PSYCHO. [ LAUGHTER ]
TEACH PERSONALITY. KIDS SHOULD BE TAUGHT FIRST DAY OF PRESCHOOL, EVERYONE HAS
SOCIAL ANXIETY TEACH YOUR KIDS TO WALK IN AND MEMORIZE, LIKE, JUST WALK IN
FIRST DAY OF PRESCHOOL AND BE LIKE, "IS IT ME OR IS THIS BUS DRIVER A LITTLE OFF?
SOMETHING LIKE THAT. [ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
TEACH THEM HOW TO WORK THE CROWD. THAT'S WHO DOES WELL IN OUR
COUNTRY. >> Jimmy: YEAH >> THE PEOPLE WHO WALK IN AND
BE LIKE, "THIS KID KNOWS WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT. THE KID DOES'T EVEN KNOW -
LIKE, "YOU GET IT. YOU GET IT." JUST BOND.
"LIKE THE OTHER KIDS, I DON'T KNOW IF THEY GET IT, BUT YOU GET IT, YOU KNOW
WE NEED MORE KIDS LIKE YOU IN THIS CLASS, I'LL BE HONEST IT'S NOT A LOT OF US LEFT.
IT'S A PERSONALITY COUNTRY >> Jimmy: YEAH, IT IS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* >> Jimmy: YO SIT DOWN
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE YOU'RE HOLDING - [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
YOU'RE HOLDING IT SARCASTICALLY. CHRIS, CHRIS
HOW CAN I -- >> Jimmy: CHRIS, HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
>> I JUST CAME TO SEE TAYLOR SWIFT, JIMMY. >> Jimmy: NO, YOU MISSED
TAYLOR SWIFT >> I DID ALL MILITARY PEOPLE?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: YES, THESE ARE ALL MILITARY
>> YES YES. >> 25 PERCENT GOT FAKE
VACCINES [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: CHRIS, GOOD TO SEE
YOU. YOU MISSED TAYLOR. I'LL SEND YOU A LINK
CHRIS ROCK EVERYBODY [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* >> OH, THAT'S GREAT, JIMMY, NICE
THAT WAS ACCIDENTAL TOO? [ LAUGHTER ] HEY, LET'S BRING OUT
HARRY STYLES AND OLIVIA WILDE. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: COLIN, WHEN I TALK
ABOUT "THE LAST BEST HOPE," YOU'RE GOING TO GO ON THE ROAD WITH THIS.
YOU'RE GOING TO TRAVEL - >> YES, I AM >> Jimmy: -- AROUND THE
COUNTRY. >> OH, SURE I AM >> Jimmy: YEAH
BUT THIS IS -- CAN I ASK YOU ABOUT THIS THOUGH? "THE LAST BEST HOPE," WHO IS
THE "THE LAST BEST HOPE" >> WELL, IT'S A QUOTE FROM LINCOLN ABOUT THE COUNTRY BEING
THE LAST BEST HOPE BUT IN THIS CASE IT'S COLIN QUINN, "THE LAST BEST
HOPE." [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: COLIN QUINN!
"THE LAST BEST HOPE" IS RUNNING NOW THROUGH NOVEMBER 20TH, HERE IN NEW YORK AND THEN HEADING TO
CITIES ACROSS THE U.S. FOR TICKETS, GO TO COLINQUINN.COM
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH STAND UP FROM JARED FREID! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* >> Jimmy: OUR NEXT GUEST IS THE CO-HOST OF THE "U UP?" PODCAST
AVAILABLE AT APPLE PODCAST MAKING HIS "TONIGHT SHOW" DEBUT, PLEASE WELCOME THE VERY
FUNNY, JARED FREID
*
>> HOW WE DOING EVERYBODY! WE GOOD? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
I DO A LOT OF SHOWS. I PERFORM FOR THE TROOPS, AND THOSE SHOWS ARE ALWAYS THE
BEST [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THE BEST
I ALSO PERFORM AT COLLEGES, THOSE SHOWS ARE ALWAYS WEIRD [ LAUGHTER ]
I WAS AT A COLLEGE ONCE. I CAME ON STAGE, MY FIRST WORDS OUT OF MY MOUTH I SAID, "I LOVE
DOING SHOWS FOR COLLEGE KIDS." THIS GUY STANDS UP IN THE CORNER HE GOES, "WE'RE NOT
KIDS WE'RE ADULTS!" [ LAUGHTER ]
I LOOK AT HIM, I GO, "ONE QUESTION WHO BOUGHT YOUR UNDERWEAR?
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I'LL NEVER FORGET IT HE GOES, "GO ON WITH THE SHOW.
[ LAUGHTER ] I GET THAT I THOUGHT I WAS AN ADULT IN
COLLEGE. I DEFINITELY WAS NOT I USED TO WEAR ONE POLO SHIRT
WITH ANOTHER POLO SHIRT OVER IT YEAH, AND THEN POP UP BOTH OF
THE COLLARS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THAT'S NOT HOW AN ADULT
DRESSES! THERE'S NO ADULT WALKING AROUND LIKE AN AGGRESSIVE TULIP
[ LAUGHTER ] MY GIRLFRIEND, SHE WOULD WEAR TWO POLOS TOO.
TWO PEOPLE, FOUR POLOS [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE WHEN WE HOOKED UP IT LOOKED
LIKE A BROOKS BROTHER'S FITTING ROOM [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU'RE NOT AN ADULT IN COLLEGE ONE SEMESTER I LIVED WITH THREE OF MY FRIENDS IN ONE ROOM.
WE CALLED IT BUNKZILLA NO MAN LIVES IN A BUNKZILLA. [ LAUGHTER ]
IF A MAN LIVES GUYS THREE OTHER MEN, THAT'S NOT A HOME, THAT'S A SHELTER.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND NO WOMAN HERE WOULD GO HOME TO BUNKZILLA TONIGHT
THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE IN COLLEGE, THEY WOULD. ONE NIGHT WE ALL BROUGHT WOMEN
HOME [ LAUGHTER ] THAT'S RIGHT
ONE ROOM FOUR BEDS. EIGHT PEOPLE
16 POLOS [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I DON'T KNOW
I THINK PEOPLE DON'T LIKE COLLEGE STUDENTS BECAUSE THEY SPEAK CONFIDENTLY ON THINGS WE
KNOW THEY CAN'T BE CONFIDENT ABOUT YET. LIKE THE TWO STORIES ARE ALWAYS
WRITTEN THAT THEY'RE OUTRAGED OR THEY'RE SHAMED. I DIDN'T KNOW OUTRAGE IN
COLLEGE. I LEARNED ABOUT OUTRAGE THE FIRST TIME I SAW THE TAXES COME
OUT OF A PAYCHECK. [ LAUGHTER ] RIGHT?
THAT WEIRD MOMENT WHERE YOU'RE LIKE, "I DON'T EVEN USE ROADS. [ LAUGHTER ]
I LEARNED SHAME THE FIRST TIME I LAUGHED AT A BOSS'S JOKE YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT IN FRONT
OF YOUR CHILD. BE LIKE, "TURN AROUND TIMMY, DADDY'S GOT TO PAY RENT HA, HA,
HA." [ LAUGHTER ] "YOU'RE RIGHT.
MONDAY'S ARE WEIRD." I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT AN ADULT IS ANY MORE.
I'M 36 I'M DOING STUFF I THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE GROWN UP OUT OF YEARS AGO
EVERY TIME I FLY SOMEWHERE, I TEXT MY PARENTS, "LANDED." [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
YOU EVER READ THAT TEXT BACK TO YOURSELF YOU DON'T SOUND LIKE A MAN
"LANDED. YOU SOUND LIKE A SPOILED PRINCE
"MOMMY, PUT MY JAMMIES IN THE DRYER. I PREFER THEM WARM WITH MY MILK
AND COOKIES. TELL PAPA I'LL BE TAKING STORY TIME IN MY QUARTERS.
THE PRINCE OF NEEDHAM HAS LANDED." [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I LOVE GOING HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS I LIKE SEEING MY FAMILY.
I LIKE SEEING WHERE ALL MY INSECURITIES CAME FROM [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
RIGHT? IF YOU'RE FAMILY HAS A PROBLEM, YOU PROBABLY HAVE A VERY
SIMILAR PROBLEM. MY FAMILLY -- THE WHOLE FAMILY IS INSECURE.
FOOD, BODY, WEIGHT THAT'S OUR WHOLE FAMILY. I WALKED IN THE HOUSE ONE DAY,
MY MOM LOOKS AT ME, SHE GOES, "YOU LOOK SO SKINNY. MY DAD'S ACROSS THE ROOM, HE
YELLS OUT, HE GOES, "HE'S WEARING ALL BLACK. [ LAUGHTER ]
I WAS LIKE, "IS MY INNER MONOLOGUE PLAYING ON THE ALEXA?
[ LAUGHTER ] I TALK ABOUT MY WEIGHT ON STAGE A LOT.
SOME PEOPLE GET VERY UNCOMFORTABLE. I HAD A WOMAN SHE STOOD UP
ONCE, SHE GOES, "YOU'RE NOT FAT. THAT'S THE WORST THING YOU
COULD EVER YELL AT SOMEONE WHO'S NOT SKINNY [ LAUGHTER ]
BECAUSE THEN THE SHOW BECOMES A TOWN HALL MEETING ON WHETHER I'M FAT OR NOT
SOMEONE STOOD UP, "THERE, LIKE, HE'S JOLLY THOUGH. [ LAUGHTER ]
ANOTHER PERSON WAS LIKE, "CAN MEN BE CURVY?" [ LAUGHTER ]
SOMEONE IN THE MIDDLE WAS LIKE, "THERE'S LED IN THE WATER. I'M LIKE, "YOU'RE AT THE WRONG
MEETING, BRO." [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I JUST WANT TO GET IN SHAPE
ENOUGH TO TAKE A VACATION TO TULUM, MEXICO. IF YOU KNOW, TULUM, THAT'S WHERE ALL OF THE
CELEBRITIES AND INFLUENCERS GO I'VE NEVER SEEN SOMEONE THERE WITH A BAD BODY.
I THINK THEY WEIGH YOU AT THE MEXICAN BORDER [ LAUGHTER ]
LIKE, I THINK I WOULD GET TO MEXICO, THEY'D BE LIKE, "HOLA. STEP ON THE SCALE.
I'D STEP ON, THEY'D LOOK DOWN, THEY'D BE LIKE, "WELL HAVE FUN IN CANCUN.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I'M JARED FREID. THANK YOU GUYS VERY MUCH
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * >> Jimmy: JARED FREID!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THE "U UP?" PODCAST IS AVAILABLE ON APPLE PODCAST
MY THANKS TO TAYLOR SWIFT, COLIN QUINN, JARED FREID, ONCE AGAIN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE AND THE ROOTS RIGHT THERE FROM PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THANK YOU FOR WATCHING STAY TUNED FOR "LATE NIGHT WITH
SETH MEYERS. GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE