>> Steve: FROM STUDIO 6B IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER IN THE HEART
OF NEW YORK CITY, IT'S "THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON."
TONIGHT, JOIN JIMMY AND HIS GUESTS - JAMIE FOXX
PHOEBE ROBINSON, WILLIAM SHATNER, COMEDIAN TOM THAKKAR
AND FEATURING THE LEGENDARY ROOTS CREW >> Questlove: 1536
>> Steve: AND NOW, HERE HE IS, JIMMY FALLON
* * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU VERY MUCH! LOOK AT THAT CROWD LISTEN TO THAT CROWD
I LOVE IT. WELCOME. THANK YOU.
I'LL GIVE IT RIGHT BACK TO YOU, PLEASE ENJOY YOURSELF. WELCOME, EVERYBODY
WELCOME, WELCOME TO "THE TONIGHT SHOW." YOU'RE HERE.
YOU'RE WATCHING. YOU MADE IT, THANK YOU [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
WELL, GUYS, THE NATIONAL INSTITUTES OF HEALTH JUST ANNOUNCED THAT PEOPLE WHO GOT
THE JOHNSON AND JOHNSON VACCINE ARE BETTER OFF GETTING A A BOOSTER FROM PFIZER OR
MODERNA. [ LAUGHTER ] NOW THOSE PEOPLE HAVE TO
DECIDE, "DO I TELL JOHNSON AND JOHNSON I'M SEEING OTHER VACCINES OR DO I JUST GHOST
THEM COMPLETELY? YEP. THE OTHER VACCINES ARE MORE
EFFECTIVE THAN JOHNSON AND JOHNSON. THE REPORT WAS PUBLISHED IN THE
JOURNAL, "THINGS YOU DON'T NEED TO BE A SCIENTIST TO KNOW. MEANWHILE THE DEADLINE FOR
FEDERAL EMPLOYEES TO GET THE VACCINE IS COMING UP AND THE TSA JUST ANNOUNCED
40% OF ITS EMPLOYEES ARE STILL UNVACCINATED [ AUDIENCE BOOS
IF THEY GET FIRED, THEY'RE GOING TO BE AT AN EMPLOYMENT AGENCY LIKE, "IS THERE ANOTHER
JOB WHERE I CAN RUN MY HANDS DOWN PEOPLE'S LEGS [ LAUGHTER ]
GOVERNOR OF NEW YORK?" >> Steve: HEY! [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
* >> Jimmy: WATCH IT THAT'S NOT THE TYPE OF -- WE
DON'T DO THAT HERE WE DON'T DO THAT HERE. WE DON'T DO THAT HERE.
>> Steve: UNCALLED FOR >> Jimmy: NO >> Steve: YOU DON'T DO THAT
KIND OF HUMOR. >> Jimmy: SOME TSA AGENTS SAID THAT PEOPLE KNOWING THEIR
VACCINATION STATUS AN INVASION OF PRIVACY THEN EVERY PASSENGER WAS LIKE,
"NOW YOU KNOW HOW WE FEEL. [ LAUGHTER ] BUT THIS IS COOL
SCIENTISTS IN THE NETHERLANDS ARE DEVELOPING LASER TECHNOLOGY TO GIVE VACCINES TO PEOPLE WHO
DON'T LIKE NEEDLES AND SAY THAT THE INJECTIONS ARE VIRTUALLY PAINLESS
PEOPLE HEARD AND WERE LIKE, "YEP, DEFINE VIRTUALLY." [ LAUGHTER ]
ACTUALLY, HERE'S HOW IT WORKS. THE VACCINE IS HEATED BY A A LASER WHICH CREATES A LIQUID
BUBBLE THAT SHOOTS INTO YOUR SKIN AT 60 MILES-PER-HOUR. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
SO YEAH. WAY LESS SCARY THAN A NEEDLE [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
LASER BUBBLE I HEARD THAT DURING THE PANDEMIC, AMERICANS DRANK AND
SMOKED MORE AND EXERCISED LESS [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE YEP.
JUST ANOTHER ARTICLE IN "THINGS YOU DON'T NEED TO BE A A SCIENTIST TO KNOW.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE SOME NEWS FROM WASHINGTON TODAY, THE WHITE HOUSE HOSTED
A SUMMIT WITH 30 OTHER COUNTRIES TO DISCUSS WAYS TO CRACK DOWN ON HACKING AND CYBER
ATTACKS. IT WAS VERY PRODUCTIVE EVERY COUNTRY AGREED TO FIGHT
HACKING BY ADDING AN EXCLAMATION POINT TO ALL OF THEIR PASSWORDS.
[ LAUGHTER ] 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 EXCLAMATION POINT.
THAT'S RIGHT, THE WHITE HOUSE HOSTED 30 COUNTRIES TO TALK ABOUT CYBER CRIME, BUT RUSSIA
WASN'T INVITED [ LAUGHTER ] I MEAN, I'M SURE THEY WERE
THERE. THEY JUST WEREN'T INVITED. [ LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T THINK RUSSIA WOULD HAVE STAYED ANYAWAY AS SOON AS PUTIN WALKED IN,
HE'D BE LIKE, "IS THIS INTERVENTION NO WAY
[ LAUGHTER ] I'M NOT GOING TO STOP HACKING.
IT IS NOT A PROBLEM FOR ME I QUIT -- I ONLY HACK WHEN I'M DRINKING."
[ LAUGHTER ] IN A NEW STATEMENT, FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP IS SUGGESTING
THAT UNLESS THE ISSUE OF ELECTION FRAUD IS ADDRESSED, REPUBLICANS SHOULD NOT VOTE
IN 2024. [ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
DEMOCRATS HEARD AND WERE LIKE, "LET'S GET THIS GUY BACK ON TWITTER.
[ LAUGHTER ] HE HAS SOMETHING TO SAY. HE'S VERY -- THIS IS SMART."
GET THIS, A ROAD SIGN IN THE UK IS GOING VIRAL BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING FROM "SQUID
GAME." LOOK AT THIS [ AUDIENCE OHS ]
[ LAUGHTER ] PEOPLE GOT EVEN MORE SCARED WHEN THEY PULLED UP TO A GREEN
LIGHT THAT QUICKLY TURNED TO A A RED LIGHT. [ LAUGHTER ]
SOME ENTERTAINMENT NEWS, IT WAS JUST ANNOUNCED THAT ADELE'S NEW ALBUM WILL BE CALLED "30."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR IT. IT'S APPARENTLY INSPIRED BY HER
LIFE AS A 30-YEAR-OLD. AND THEY JUST RELEASED THE TRACK LIST
HERE, CHECK THIS OUT
SONGWRITERS OF OUR TIME IS BACK
WITH A BRAND NEW ALBUM CHRONICLING WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE 30 YEARS OLD WITH HEART
BREAKING SONGS SUCH AS, "WHY AM I STILL ON MY PARENTS' CELL PHONE PLAN?"
[ LAUGHTER ] "I DIDN'T KNOW MY BACK COULD HURT THERE."
"CAN'T STOP LOOKING AT YOU (ZILLOW)." "HUNGOVER OFF TWO BUD LIGHTS."
"I GET EXCITED ABOUT BUYING A NEW MOP. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND "DAIRY DOESN'T DIGEST LIKE IT USED TO." ADELE'S "30.
AVAILABLE AT NOVEMBER 19th AT MIDNIGHT BUT LET'S BE HONEST, YOU'LL BE
ASLEEP BY 10:00. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: YOU CAN GET IT THE
NEXT DAY YOU CAN GET IT THE NEXT DAY. EXCITED ABOUT GETTING A NEW
MOP. I REMEMBER HOW I FELT THE FIRST TIME I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING
OLD. I SAW BEAN SALAD ON THE MENU AND I GO, "OOH, BEANS!
[ LAUGHTER ] NO KID SAYS THAT >> Steve: NO KID GOES, "I WANT
BEANS, MMM." >> Jimmy: THIS HONEY BEAN SALAD.
>> Steve: THREE BEANS! [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: LIKE TEN DIFFERENT
TYPES OF BEANS [ LAUGHTER ] >> Steve: FANTASTIC.
>> Jimmy: INTENSE. WOW. WHERE ARE THE BEANS GROWING?
[ LAUGHTER ] OH, GOOD [ LAUGHTER ]
A COUPLE BEANS RIGHT THERE SOME BUSINESS NEWS NOKIA JUST ANNOUNCED THAT
THEY'RE CELEBRATING THE 20th ANNIVERSARY OF THEIR CLASSIC BRICK PHONE BY
RELEASING A NEW VERSION. WOW! [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
I MISS THE OLD NOKIA WHEN YOU DROPPED THOSE PHONES, THE SCREEN DIDN'T SHATTER.
THE SIDEWALK DID [ LAUGHTER ] AND FINALLY, A COUPLE IN
MISSOURI JUST PLEADED GUILTY IN FEDERAL COURT TO SELLING FAKE DISNEY DVDs.
HEY, LISTEN, IF SOMEONE IS STILL ABLE TO SELL DVD'S, THEY SHOULDN'T PUT THEM IN JAIL
THEY SHOULD PUT THEM ON "SHARK TANK." [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW GIVE IT UP FOR THE ROOTS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
* *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: WHAT A SHOW WE HAVE FOR YOU TONIGHT!
HIS NEW BOOK, "ACT LIKE YOU GOT SOME SENSE: AND OTHER THINGS MY DAUGHTERS TAUGHT ME" WILL BE
AVAILABLE ON TUESDAY ONE OF THE MOST TALENTED PEOPLE I'VE EVER MET.
JAMIE FOXX IS HERE TONIGHT [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE IT'S SO GOOD
IT'S FUNNY IT'S JUST -- IT'S ACTUALLY SOME GOOD ADVICE IN THERE
GREAT STORIES. I LOVE THIS DUDE, MAN. THIS IS GREAT.
JAMIE FOXX IS HERE TONIGHT ALSO HER NEW STAND-UP SPECIAL PREMIERES TONIGHT ON HBO MAX
PHOEBE ROBINSON IS HERE! PREMIERES TONIGHT! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
PHOEBE ALSO, JOINING US TO TALK ABOUT HIS TRIP TO OUTER SPACE,
WILLIAM SHATNER IS ON THE SHOW COME ON! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
I CAN'T WAIT AND WE HAVE STAND-UP FROM TOM THAKKAR, EVERYBODY
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE BIG SHOW, BIG SHOW GUYS, AS I SAID EARLIER,
EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT ADELE RIGHT NOW. HER NEW SONG "EASY ON ME" JUST
CAME OUT TONIGHT YEAH, AFTER A LONG HIATUS, ADELE SHOWED UP OUT OF NOWHERE
WITH A SONG LIKE - * HELLO * [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: AND EVERYONE WAS LIKE, "WAIT. WHO SAID THAT?
AND SHE WAS LIKE - * IT'S ME * >> Jimmy: SO EVERYONE STARTED
FREAKING OUT BECAUSE ADELE HASN'T RELEASED NEW MUSIC IN SIX YEARS.
I MEAN, SHE WAS BASICALLY LIKE - * HATE TO TURN UP
OUT OF THE BLUE * >> Jimmy: BUT EVERYONE'S FINE WITH IT BECAUSE THEY'RE JUST
EXCITED FOR A NEW ALBUM, WHICH -- * RUMOR HAS IT *
>> Jimmy: COMES OUT IN NOVEMBER [ LAUGHTER ]
SO YOU ALREADY KNOW THE SONGS ARE GOING TO BE -- * NOTHING BUT THE BEST *
>> Jimmy: AND A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE HOPING IT'LL FEATURE SOME DUETS, MAYBE ONE WITH BEYONCE
OR COLDPLAY OR MAYBE EVEN -- * YOU TOO * [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
>> Steve: OKAY, WAIT FOR IT. WAIT FOR IT. >> Jimmy: WHO KNOWS?
ALL I KNOW IS THAT NOTHING WILL STOP PEOPLE FROM GETTING THEIR HANDS ON THE NEW ALBUM
IT DOESN'T MATTER IF IT STARTS POURING -- * RAIN *
>> Jimmy: OR IF -- * THERE'S A FIRE * [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: HECK, THEY WON'T EVEN STOP IF THEY LOOK UP LIKE CHICKEN LITTLE AND SEE -
* THE SKY FALL * [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: BECAUSE IT'S ADELE
SHE'S SO TALENTED, WHEN YOU LISTEN TO HER MUSIC, SOMETIMES IT FEELS GREAT, BUT --
* SOMETIMES IT HURTS INSTEAD * >> Jimmy: BUT NO MATTER WHAT, EVERYONE IS GLAD SHE'S BACK,
AND AS FOR ME, I'M GOING TO LISTEN TO THE NEW ALBUM -- * A THOUSAND TIMES *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: STICK AROUND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
JAMIE FOXX, EVERYBODY. COME ON BACK [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT JAMIE FOXX IS HERE [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
JAMIE FOXX YES. YOU KNOW, BEFORE THE SHOW,
JAMIE AND I WERE TALKING ABOUT SOME OF OUR FAVORITE 90s R & B GROUPS
AND WE GOT REMINISCING ABOUT THIS DUO THAT WE BOTH LOVED, NAMED TAKE TWO
IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER TAKE TWO, THEY WERE THIS AN R&B DUO WHO WERE FAMOUS FOR DOING THE
FLIRTY DIALOGUE AT THE BEGINNING OF R&B SONGS BUT HERE'S THE THING, THEY
NEVER ACTUALLY GOT TO THE SINGING PART [ LAUGHTER ]
THEY ONLY DID THE TALKING AT THE START. WELL, I JUST FOUND THIS OLD
COMMERCIAL FOR THEIR MUSIC CHECK THIS OUT [ APPLAUSE ]
WAITNG FOR IS FINALLY HERE IT'S THE COMPLETE "TAKE TWO.
THIS SPECIAL COLLECTOR'S EDITION INCLUDES ALL YOUR TAKE TWO FAVORITES.
LIKE THE NUMBER TWO SMASH HIT, "HEY GIRL. *
>> HEY GIRL. >> Jimmy: IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME, >> BUT LATELY YOU'VE BEEN
ON MY MIND * >> Jimmy: SO TONIGHT I WANT TO
TELL YOU HOW SPECIAL YOU ARE >> THAT'S RIGHT. AND IT GOES A LITTLE SOMETHING
LIKE -- WELL, THERE'S ACTUALLY ARE A COUPLE OF THINGS I WANT TO TELL YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: FIRST AND FOREMOST, HOW SPECIAL YOU ARE.
>> YEAH, WE'LL COVER THAT. BUT ALSO I WANT TO TELL YOU, THAT YOU MAKE ME FEEL, YOU MAKE
ME FELL, YOU MAKE ME FEEL -- GOOD >> Jimmy: YOU MAKE ME FEEL
GOOD, I GUESS IS THE POINT, RIGHT? THAT'S THE POINT
AND ALSO THAT I GET A LITTLE NERVOUS. YOU MAKE ME A LITTLE NERVOUS
>> I NEVER MET ANYONE LIKE YOU BEFORE I MEAN, I'VE MET WOMEN BEFORE
* >> I MEAN, I'VE MET WOMEN BEFORE, OF COURSE.
I'VE MET WOMEN WHO ARE ORTHODONTISTS LIKE YOU ARE, BUT MY CURRENT ORTHODONTIST SHE'S
A WOMAN. >> BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE IN MY MOUTH
[ LAUGHTER ] * YOU THE ONLY ONE THAT FLOATS
DOWN MY ROOT CANAL [ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* >> Jimmy: YOU TALKING ABOUT THE GIRL WE SINGING ABOUT?
>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, HER, OH, YEAH [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> THIS SET HAS EVERY TAKE TWO EVERY SONG EVER RECORDED WELL, MAYBE THERE MORE JUST
INTROS THAN THE ACTUAL SONGS, BUT THEY'RE STILL SMOOTH LIKE THEIR 1993 CLASSIC, "HEY,
GIRL, WE GOOD? * >> HEY GIRL, WE GOOD
>> Jimmy: IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE YOU'VE BEEN AROUND AND AT NIGHT, I'VE BEEN MISSING
YOU. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
>> Jimmy: IT GOES LIKE THIS. I RECENTLY MOVED SO MY MAIL IS STILL ALL MESSED UP.
SO, YOU KNOW HOW THAT GOES YOU GOT TO GET A FORWARDING ADDRESS, THE WHOLE THING
* >> YEAH, AND I'VE BEEN GETTING MAIL FROM ALUMNI PURDUE.
AND I AIN'T EVEN GO TO PURDUE. [ LAUGHTER ] *
>> Jimmy: NOW, USUALLY I JUST LEAVE IT IN THE MAILBOX FOR THE POSTAL WORKER TAKE IT BACK
* SOMETIMES IT'S -- SOMETIMES I FLIP THROUGH THEM.
I JUST FLIP THROUGH THEM >> FLIP. >> Jimmy: I'M LIKE A FLIP
>> FLIP. >> Jimmy: A LITTLE FINGER FLIP >> WHY DON'T YOU FLIP?
FINGER FLIP THROUGH, THROUGH THEUNIVERSAL BOOK. *
>> WAIT, SORRY, MY LINE. SORRY. >> I'M WITH YOU MAN.
>> I KNOW. >> THIS IS CALLED IMPROVISATIONAL.
* >> Jimmy: I JUST SAW THAT ORVILLE REDENBACHER USED TO GO
PURDUE DID YOU KNOW THAT? >> WAIT A A MINUTE THAT'S THE POPCORN
DUDE >> Jimmy: YEAH, THAT'S THE POPCORN WITH THE BOWTIE.
>> NEAT. [ LAUGHTER ] >> LIKE HOLIDAY SONGS?
HOW ABOUT HOLIDAY INTROS CAUSE WE'VE GOT ALL TAKE TWO'S SEASONAL HITS.
INCLUDING "HEY, GIRL, IT'S HALLOWEEN. *
>> DON'T WORRY, BABY I WILL HOLD YOU CLOSE WHEN WE WATCH A SCARY MOVIE.
>> Jimmy: OH, I LIKE SCARY MOVIES DO YOU, GIRL
* WHAT MOVIE ARE YOU DISCUSSING? REALLY SCARY OR --
>> ANY TYPE OF MOVIE YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY VANILLA FRIEND
* [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: HOW ABOUT SCARY
MOVIES LIKE "JAWS" >> JAWS, YES WELL, "JAWS" ISN'T TECHNICALLY
A SCARY MOVIE, BECAUSE IT'S NOT REALLY FOR HALLOWEEN *
>> Jimmy: WELL, IT IS A SCARY MOVIE. IF YOU WATCH IT IN OCTOBER, I
GUESS THAT MAKES IT A HALLOWEEN MOVIE. >> "JAWS" LITERALLY TAKES PLACE
ON THE FOURTH OF JULY. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] THAT IS THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE
OF HALLOWEEN [ LAUGHTER ] *
>> Jimmy: I WOULD HAVE SAID THAT THE OPPOSITE OF HALLOWEEN WAS VALENTINE'S DAY.
SORT OF DIFFERENT ENDS OF THE LOVE-FEAR SPECTRUM, KIND OF, YOU KNOW
>> OKAY, I'LL GIVE YOU THAT. BUT STILL IT'S NOT HALLOWEEN THERE'S NO LINE IN THE "MONSTER
MASH" LIKE, "HERE COMES, JAWS, THE SHARK. >> Jimmy: PRETTY SURE HIS NAME
ISS JUST JAWS. NOT JAWS, THE SHARK. >> I SWEAR TO GOD.
* >> PLUS, THIS SET IS LOADED WITH RARE, NEVER BEFORE HEARD
TAKE TWO JAMS. * >> HEY GIRL.
IT TAKES DOS [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: EXHALE
THAT WAS THE ORIGINAL NAME, EXHALE >> IT TAKES TWO.
>> Jimmy: AND THAT'S US. >> YEP I WAS JUST TRYING TO CORNER THE
LATIN MARKET WITH DOS. >> Jimmy: I UNDERSTOOD THAT'S -
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
* [ LAUGHTER ] >> WE CERTAINLY HAVE NOT RUN -
* OUT OF FLIRTY R&B INTROS, TALK OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS
THINKING >> Jimmy: WHAT >> ONE, BECAUSE WE ARE, PART
TWO. >> Jimmy: YES. >> WHY DON'T WE SING A LITTLE
SOMETHING FOR THEM WHAT DO YOU THINK? JUST THIS ONCE
>> Jimmy: JUST THIS ONCE. AND BY IT, DO YOU MEAN SINGING >> YEAH.
CORRECT. YES. GIVE IT TO EM LIKE -
* * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> OR NOW. >> Jimmy: JAIME FOXX, EVERYBODY.
STICK AROUND MORE WITH JAMIE AFTER THE BREAK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * >> Jimmy: MY FIRST GUEST IS AN
OSCAR WINNER, A GRAMMY WINNER, AND NOW HE HAS A NEW BOOK OUT ON TUESDAY CALLED "ACT LIKE YOU
GOT SOME SENSE: AND OTHER THINGS MY DAUGHTERS TAUGHT ME. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE
WELCOME JAMIE FOXX
*
PCPC >> Jimmy: THAT'S JAMIE FOXX
THAT'S JAMIE FOXX RIGHT THERE! YOU KNOW HOW TO DO IT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
WOW! WOW! OH MY GOODNESS
JAMIE FOXX >> YOU KNOW, NEW YORK, Y'ALL
AIN'T PLAYING AROUND I JUST HAD TO MAKE SURE. >> Jimmy: YEAH, NO, WE'RE GOOD
NO WE'RE GOOD. >> Y'ALL ARE NOT PLAYING AROUND OUT HERE
>> Jimmy: WE DON'T PLAY AROUND IN NBC, NEW YORK >> BUT I'M HAPPY TO BE OUTSIDE
>> Jimmy: YEAH, EXACTLY. >> SEE EVERYBODY, LOOK AT THIS [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
COME ON! >> Jimmy: LOOK AT THAT COME ON.
>> YOU CAN SEE THE BOTTOM OF PEOPLE'S FACES NOW >> Jimmy: YES.
>> TAKING THEIR MASK OFF >> Jimmy: YEAH, YOU CAN SEE, YEAH
>> 'CAUSE THAT TRIPPED ME OUT. I WAS WORKING ON THIS MOVIE, AND, YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY'S EYES
LOOK BEAUTIFUL [ LAUGHTER ] I WAS TALKING TO THIS GIRL FOR,
LIKE, SIX MONTHS, AND ALL I SAW WAS THIS YOU TAKE THE THING OFF, I WAS
LIKE, "OKAY! [ LAUGHTER ] THE BOTTOM OF THE FACE LOOKS
DIFFERENT, RIGHT I WAS LIKE, "OH! >> Jimmy: LIKE, "PUT THE MASK
BACK ON. YEAH >> SHE'S LIKE, "ARE WE GOING
OUT? I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, I'M GOING." [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: ONE OF US IS GOING OUT, ABSOLUTELY. >> COVID IS CRAZY, MAN
ESPECIALLY BEING BLACK, TOO. IT'S CRAZY NO, I'M JUST SAYING BECAUSE I
KNEW IT WAS GOING TO BE TOUGH FOR BROTHERS DURING COVID, JUST THE WAY WE GREET EACH OTHER.
LIKE, WHEN I SAW YOU, I WAS LIKE, "OH! [ COUGHS ]
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: NO, NO, NO WE ELBOWED EACH OTHER.
>> YEAH, YOU RIGHT, YOU RIGHT, YOU RIGHT. [ LAUGHTER ]
MY WHITE FRIEND. >> Jimmy: SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT THE BOOK
>> OH, YES [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: YOU HAVE A GIANT BOOK
COMING OUT TUESDAY "ACT LIKE YOU GOT SOME SENSE: AND OTHER THINGS I TAUGHT MY
DAUGHTERS," CROSSED IT OUT AND PUT, "MY DAUGHTERS TAUGHT ME." >> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: "ACT LIKE YOU GOT SOME SENSE." THAT CAME THERE YOUR GRANDMA
>> THAT CAME FROM MY GRANDMOTHER. WHEN I WON THE OSCAR FOR "RAY,"
IN MY SPEECH I THANKED MY GRANDMOTHER, BECAUSE I SAID, "SHE WAS THE FIRST PERSON WHO
WAS MY ACTING TEACHER. SHE TOLD ME ACT LIKE YOU GOT SOME SENSE
YOU KNOW, IT'S CULTURE, BUT, LIKE, WHEN YOU BLACK, AND YOU GOING INTO A GROCERY STORE,
YOUR MOTHER SAYS, "NOW, ACT LIKE YOU'VE GOT SOME SENSE IN THERE.
DON'T YOU PICK UP NOTHING, BECAUSE YOU MIGHT, YOU KNOW, LOSE A LIMB OR WHATEVER.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] SO, I USE THAT TITLE BECAUSE I USED, SORT OF, THE DISCIPLINES
OF WHAT MY GRANDMOTHER AND GRANDFATHER TAUGHT ME IN TEXAS TO TRY TO APPLY WITH MY TWO
YOUNG GIRLS IN HOLLYWOOD WHICH IN THE BOOK, YOU SEE IT DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK.
>> Jimmy: NO, I THINK THAT'S WHAT I TOOK FROM THE BOOK. AND WHAT I LOVE FROM THE BOOK,
IS I THINK THAT YOU STARTED A COMMUNICATION WITH YOUR KIDS THAT YOU DON'T TALK TO THEM
LIKE KIDS. YOU'RE TALK TO THEM LIKE, YOU'RE AN ADULT AND YOU'RE THE
DAD, BUT YOU GO, "LET'S TALK." >> BECAUSE OF WHAT I THINK -- YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT A BIG
MESSAGE BOOK CAUSE IT'S A LOT OF FUNNY STUFF IN IT.
BUT WHAT I WAS ALWAYS TRYING TO MAKE PEOPLE UNDERSTAND, I WANTED TO BREAK DOWN THOSE
BARRIERS WITH YOUR DAUGHTERS BECAUSE YOUR DAUGHTERS ARE GOING TO NEED YOU.
ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO, LIKE, GUYS AND RELATIONSHIPS I MEAN, WHO ELSE WOULD KNOW
BETTER THAN US AND SO BY DOING IT EARLY, WHICH A LOT OF PEOPLE FROWNED AT
FIRST, BUT NOW IT PAYS DIVIDENDS WHEN THEY REALLY HAVE SERIOUS QUESTIONS ABOUT GUYS
THAT I'M GOING TO KILL [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: CAN YOU TELL THE
STORY ABOUT HOW YOU HAD -- YOU ENLISTED TO SNOOP DOGG TO HELP INTIMIDATE YOUR DAUGHTERS
BOYFRIEND? >> WHAT HAPPENED WAS MY DAUGHTER, WHO DIDN'T KNOW THAT
I HAD ALREADY RUN A BACKGROUND CHECK ON HER BOYFRIEND, HE COMES -- HE COMES TO THE CRIB
AND SNOOP HAPPENS TO BE THERE. AND I SAID, "SNOOP, THERE HE IS RIGHT THERE.
SHAKE HIM UP." AND YOU KNOW SNOOP, YOU KNOW, SNOOP WALKED OVER TO MY
DAUGHTER'S BOYFRIEND, AND JUST SAID," HEY, WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S UP, CUZ
HEY, LOOK HERE WE HER UNCLES, YOU KNOW WHAT I SAYING
SO ACT ACCORDINGLY, HOMIE. [ LAUGHTER ] BUT THE UNDERLYING MEANING OF
IT WAS IS THAT I WANTED THE YOUNG MAN TO UNDERSTAND THAT SHE HAS PEOPLE THAT REALLY LOVE
HER. SO THAT IF SOMETHING DOES GO WRONG, SNOOP IS COMING
[ LAUGHTER ] PPP >> Jimmy: YEAH, YOUR BOOK TOUR KICKS OFF FRIDAY NIGHT IN
PHILLY THEN ON SATURDAY NIGHT YOU'RE IN HARLEM.
>> FRIDAY NIGHT IN PHILLY. FRIDAY NIGHT IN PHILLY FRIDAY NIGHT IN PHILLY
WOOH * FRIDAY NIGHT IN PHILL FRIDAY NIGHT
FRIDAY NIGHT * * FRIDAY NIGH
FRIDAY NIGHT * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: AND THEN SATURDAY --
>> HOLD ON A SECOND. I WANT TO POINT AT EVERYBODY THANK YOU.
>> Jimmy: AND THEN SATURDAY NIGHT, SATURDAY NIGHT IN HARLEM
AT THE APOLLO THEATER. * SATURDAY NIGHT IN HARLE SATURDAY NIGHT IN HARLEM
SATURDAY NIGHT IN HARLEM * * SATURDAY NIGHT IN HARLE SATURDAY NIGHT IN HARLEM *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: I WANT TO TOAST TO YOUR NEW BOOK.
I FIGURED WHY NOT TOAST WITH ACTUALLY YOUR OWN BOURBON. >> OH, MAN
GUYS, I HAVE MY OWN BOURBON. IT'S CALLED BROWN SUGAR BOURBIN.
LISTEN, I'M A TELL YOU RIGHT NOW, I'M NOT AFRAID OF ANYBODY ELSE'S ALCOHOL
THIS GOES HARD [ LAUGHTER ] AND IT'S SWEET
IT HAS A NICE SWEET FLAVOR TO IT SO IT IS GOING CRAZY RIGHT NOW
SO WE GOING TO TOAST TO ALL OF YOU GUYS IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE A MASK ON,
YOU COULD TASTE IT [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE BROWN SUGAR.
BROWN SUGAR BABE >> Jimmy: JAMIE FOXX, EVERYBODY.
"ACT LIKE YOU GOT SOME SENSE: AND OTHER THINGS MY DAUGHTERS TAUGHT ME" IS AVAILABLE
STARTING TUESDAY WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH PHOEBE ROBINSON.
STICK AROUND [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
>> Jimmy: MY NEXT GUEST IS A A VERY TALENTED COMEDIAN WITH A NEW STAND-UP SPECIAL CALLED,
"SORRY, HARRIET TUBMAN," WHICH PREMIERED TODAY ON HBO MAX AND THIS IS HER NEW BOOK OF
ESSAYS CALLED, "PLEASE DON'T SIT ON MY BED IN YOUR OUTSIDE CLOTHES.
PLEASE WELCOME THE MULTI-TALENTED, PHOEBE ROBINSON!
* *
>> Jimmy: FANTASTIC! >> WOW >> Jimmy: IT'S SO -- IT'S SO
NICE TO SEE YOU IN PERSON. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR DOING OUR SHOW DURING ZOOM
THE SHOW THAT I -- YOU KNOW. >> YEAH. >> Jimmy: YOU'RE -- YOU'RE --
YOU'RE A FRIEND OF THE SHOW. I APPRECIATE THAT. >> THANKS FOR HAVING ME BACK
HI, EVERYONE [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE OH
>> Jimmy: WELL, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR STAND-UP SPECIAL. IT PREMIERES TONIGHT, HBO MAX.
>> YEAH. >> Jimmy: GIGANTIC >> A DREAM COME TRUE
A DREAM COME TRUE. >> Jimmy: BUT YOU ALSO HAVE A BOOK OF ESSAYS CALLED,
"PLEASE DON'T SIT ON MY BED IN YOUR OUTSIDE CLOTHES." [ LAUGHTER ]
EXPLAIN THE TITLE TO ME. [ LAUGHTER ] >> DO YOU GET IT
QUESTLOVE GETS IT. >> Jimmy: SORRY. YEAH, YEAH
>> SO, YOU KNOW, MY PARENTS ARE VERY NEAT PEOPLE >> Jimmy: YEAH
>> THEY LIKE A CLEAN HOME. AND THEY'RE LIKE, "THE OUTSIDE WORLD IS TRIFLING.
DON'T BRING THAT IN HERE." [ LAUGHTER ] SO THEY WOULD -- THEY WOULD
TELL MY BROTHER AND I JUST, LIKE, "CHANGE CLOTHES. PUT ON YOUR INSIDE CLOTHES
PUT ON YOUR PAJAMAS OR WHATEVER." AND THEN THAT STUCK WITH ME.
AND SO THEN, WHEN I WENT TO COLLEGE, I WENT TO PRATT INSTITUTE.
I WOULDN'T LET ANYONE SIT ON MY BED. AND LIKE, DUDE, CAUSE I'M LIKE,
"YOU WERE ON THE NEW YORK SUBWAYS. SO HE CAN'T SIT ON THERE."
[ LAUGHTER ] AND THEN SO MANY PEOPLE WERE LIKE -- THAT WAS THE ONE THING
PEOPLE REMEMBERED ABOUT ME SO I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY PERSONALITY WAS TRASHED IN
COLLEGE. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOSH.
THAT'S SO -- >> YEAH, IT'S HORRIBLE >> Jimmy: I LOVE THAT YOU --
>> YEAH. >> Jimmy: AND DO YOU STILL, KIND OF, FEEL THAT WAY OR NO
>> YEAH, I AM. YES. NO -- JUST PLEASE --
>> Jimmy: SURE >> JUST BRING AN OVERNIGHT BAG TO THE SPRING THAT SAVED MY
LIFE [ LAUGHTER ] PLEASE DON'T SIT ON MY BED
>> Jimmy: I LOVE THAT'S THE THING THEY REMEMBER ABOUT YOU. >> YES
>> Jimmy: OF ALL THE FUNNY THINGS IN -- >> OH, THANKS.
>> Jimmy: THAT YOU'RE DOING, NO, THAT'S WHAT YOU REMEMBER THEN
I SAID - >> YEAH. >> Jimmy: I LOVE THAT.
I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE STAND-UP SPECIAL BECAUSE YOU -- YOU SHOT THIS IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE PANDEMIC IN THE AT THE BOTANICAL GARDENS >> YEAH, IN BROOKLYN
>> Jimmy: IN BROOKLYN, WHICH IS YOU. >> YES
>> Jimmy: WHICH I LOVE >> YEAH. >> Jimmy: WHAT WAS IT LIKE
>> IT WAS VERY EXCITING. I WAS SO NERVOUS BECAUSE I WAS LIKE, "I JUST
HOPE WE CAN GET THIS OFF IN -- YOU KNOW, THE DELTA -- THE DELTA VARIANT WAS LIKE, "HEY,
BOO! AND I WAS LIKE - [ LAUGHTER ]
I WAS LIKE, "THIS IS MY -- PLEASE." AND WE GOT THROUGH IT.
>> Jimmy: "HEY, BOO. >> YEAH. "HEY BOO, I'M BACK."
[ LAUGHTER ] AND I'M LIKE - >> Jimmy: NO
>> "NO ONE INVITED YOU." >> Jimmy: LOOK AT THIS SPOT. LOOK AT THE PHOTOS -
>> LOOK AT THOSE PELOTON LEGS, YOU GUYS [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE LOOK AT IT AH
LOOK AT IT >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOSH. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
OH, MY GOSH. BUT I -- I LOVE THAT YOU DID IT AND YOU GO, "YEAH.
WE'RE DOING THIS SAFELY AND WE'RE PUTTING THIS OUT THERE, BECAUSE WE NEED FUNNY --
>> YES >> Jimmy: WE NEED CONTENT. >> WE GOT TO JUST, LIKE, RELAX
AND LAUGH AND NOT BE STRESSED OUT ANYMORE. SO I HOPE THAT PEOPLE FEEL THAT
WAY WHEN THEY WATCH THE HOUR >> Jimmy: I WANT TO SHOW EVERYONE A CLIP.
HERE'S PHOEBE ROBINSON IN "SORRY, HARRIET TUBMAN." TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
>> NOW DON'T GET ME WRONG, I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND.
I DO HE'S MY SOULMATE, MY BEST FRIEND
BUT DURING QUARANTINE, HE WAS GIVING ME MAJOR -- "DO YOU HAVE A MOMENT TO TALK ABOUT THE
ENVIRONMENT? [ LAUGHTER ] DO YOU KNOW THOSE GUYS ON THE
STREET WITH -- HOLDING CLIPBOARDS, JUST GETTING IN YOUR WAY
[ LAUGHTER ] ASKING YOU QUESTIONS THAT WAS MY BOYFRIEND.
HE WAS JUST TRACKING ME ALL OVER THE APARTMENT, OKAY HE WAS LIKE, "ARE YOU HUNGRY
WANT TO ORDER OUT? DO YOU WANT TO WATCH A MOVIE OR PLAY CHECKERS?
HEY, I'M JUST CHECKING IN. WANT TO SEE HOW YOUR DAY IS. AND I WAS LIKE, "MAN, YOU HAVE
AN UNCUT LIVESTREAM FEED OF HOW MY DAY IS GOING. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOU TELL ME. EXACTLY RIGHT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
PHOEBE ROBINSON, EVERYBODY "SORRY, HARRIET TUBMAN" IS STREAMING RIGHT NOW ON HBO MAX
IT'S OUT CONGRATULATIONS! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
WILLIAM SHATNER JOINS US AFTER THE BREAK. STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY.
COME ON BACK [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
>> Jimmy: MY NEXT GUEST IS AN EMMY AWARD-WINNING ACTOR, AUTHOR, PERFORMER, AND AS OF
YESTERDAY, HE IS NOW ALSO OFFICIALLY AN ASTRONAUT. BACK FROM HIS TRIP TO OUTER
SPACE WITH BLUE ORIGIN, PLEASE WELCOME THE ONE AND ONLY, WILLIAM SHATNER!
* >> Jimmy: THAT'S WHAT I'M
TALKING ABOUT! HEY! OH, MY GOSH.
I'M -- >> OH, MY GOD. AN ASTRONAUT
WE'RE NOT REALLY, YOU KNOW ASTRONAUTS REALLY, THEY GO UP, THEY DO THINGS
WE'RE HALF ASTRONAUTS. >> Jimmy: NO, NO, NO [ LAUGHTER ]
HALF ASTRONAUTS. ASTRO-NOTS THANK YOU.
YEAH [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] WILLIAM, I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE
YOU. AND I REALLY WANTED TO TALK TO YOU.
THIS IS SO EXCITING TO ME. BECAUSE I LOVED IT SO MUCH AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY I LOVED
IT ONE IS BECAUSE, OBVIOUSLY, YOU SPENT A MAJORITY OF YOUR LIFE
TALKING ABOUT SPACE AND, YOU KNOW, "STAR TREK" AND YOU'RE CAPTAIN KIRK
HERE'S WHY I REALLY LOVED IT YOU COME DOWN. YOU LAND IN THIS DESERT THING.
YOU COME OUT OF THE CAPSULE. JEFF BEZOS COMES OVER. THEN HE COMES IN WITH
CHAMPAGNE. AND HE'S LIKE, "WHOO-HOO!" AND YOU GO, "NO.
HEY. NO NOT NOW, BUDDY
ABSOLUTELY NOT I DON'T WANT THE CHAMPAGNE I'VE GOT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT
JUST HAPPENED. >> WELL, YOU KNOW, THE -- THE WHOLE EFFECT OF GOING INTO
SPACE AND -- AND SEEING WHAT VERY FEW PEOPLE HAVE SEEN, AND THERE IS NO FRAME OF REFERENCE
HOW DO YOU -- HOW DO YOU DESCRIBE WEIGHTLESSNESS? HOW DO YOU DESCRIBE SEEING
PALPABLE DARKNESS -- BLACKNESS OF SPACE WHERE THERE IS NO FILTER OF DUST OR DIRT OR
REFLECTIONS OF LIGHT IT'S THERE IT'S LIKE HANGING THERE.
IT'S EVIL. IT SEEMS LIKE THE -- THE MONSTER.
AND THEN YOU LOOK DOWN AND YOU SEE THIS PRECIOUS THING. THIS WARM, NURTURING EARTH
AND YOU SEE DEATH AND LIFE AND YOU DESCEND AND THEN YOU'RE OVERWHELMED BY THE POSSIBILITY
OF THE EARTH ENDING IN A SHORT WHILE. AND YOUR LIFE IS IN FRONT OF
YOU. BUT THE MESSAGE IS INTERESTING THE MESSAGE IS, WE ALL NEED
A WAKE-UP CALL EVERY SO OFTEN IN OUR LIVES WHERE YOUR -- YOUR LIFE IS THREATENED BY
SOMETHING. YOU MAY HAVE A NEAR ACCIDENT OR YOU -- SOMEBODY YOU LOVE HAS
DIED AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU LOOK AT YOUR LIFE AND GO, "WAIT A
A MINUTE WHAT'S IMPORTANT HERE? AND YOU HAVE THAT WAKE-UP CALL
AND YOU NEED IT EVERY SO OFTEN BECAUSE THEN, YOU KNOW, COMING AND TELLING JOKES IS VERY
IMPORTANT AND YOU LOSE SIGHT OF THE FACT THAT -- THAT YES, THAT'S IMPORTANT
BUT WHAT IS EQUALLY AND PERHAPS MORE IMPORTANT IS CARING, LOVING, THE PLANET IS GOING TO
BE INUNDATED UNLESS WE DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT I MEAN REALLY BAD AND WE GOT TO
DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. AND WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT IT
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE SO ALL THOSE DEEP THINGS THAT
WE SHOULD BE THINKING ABOUT EVERY SO OFTEN, WE NEED TO BE REMINDED
AND THAT MOON SHOT, THAT -- THAT THING, THAT DID IT TO ME. AND I WAS -- I WAS OVERWHELMED
BY ALL THE THINGS WE NEED TO DO AND THE LOVES AND THE LOSSES IT WAS AN ENORMOUS MOMENT FOR
ME THAT I NEVER EXPECTED I, TOO, HAVE AN ALBUM CALLED "BILL" THAT OUT'S THERE.
AND THERE IS A SONG ON THERE SO CLOSE, SO FAR FROM THE MOON. A TIME IN MY LIFE WHEN THEY
WALKED ON THE MOON AND I WAS SO FAR FROM IT. AND HERE I WAS, 50 YEARS LATER,
SO CLOSE TO THE MOON AND -- AND IT WAS VERY MEANINGFUL TO ME
>> Jimmy: THE ALBUM, BY THE WAY, WHICH I JUST LISTENED TO, IS GETTING GREAT REVIEWS AND I
LOVE IT. I GO, "WOW, WILLIAM SHATNER HAS A NEW RECORD."
IT IS GETTING GREAT REVIEWS. I LOVED IT I KNOW YOU THAT WERE SAYING IN
INTERVIEWS BEFORE YOU DID THIS TRIP THAT YOU GOING TO WRITE A A SONG ABOUT THIS.
ARE YOU STILL GOING TO WRITE A A SONG OR -- AND HAS THE SONG CHANGED?
>> YEAH. THANK YOU, JIMMY THE -- THE OTHER PART OF THAT,
THE OTHER ASTONISHING PART WAS THAT DAN MILLER, ROB, THE POET, AND I HAVE WORKED ON THIS ALBUM
AND IT'S A BEAUTIFUL ALBUM IT'S A WORK OF LOVE AND -- AND, AS YOU SAID, IT IS GETTING
ASTONISHING REVIEWS. WE MET IN NEW YORK A FEW DAYS AGO AND SAID, "YOU KNOW?
WE'VE GOT TO WRITE ABOUT SONG ABOUT BILL GOING UP INTO SPACE AND WHAT IS THE SONG ABOUT."
WE STARTED TALKING ABOUT WHAT IT'S GOING TO BE LIKE. YOU KNOW
THE BLUE ORB AND THE THING YOU SEE, AND THE -- I CALLED ROB THE POET, WHEN I CAME DOWN
I SAID, "TOSS OUT EVERYTHING WE TALKED ABOUT GOING UP THERE AND HAVING THAT
EXPERIENCE IS NOTHING LIKE WHAT YOU HEAR ABOUT >> Jimmy: I JUST WANT TO SAY
ALSO, ON BEHALF, I -- I THOUGHT IT WAS GREAT THAT YOU DID IT I THINK IT WAS ALSO -- MAYBE,
ALSO A WAKE-UP CALL FOR ALL OF US TO JUST TO WHEN YOU GET A A CHANCE, JUST TELL SOMEONE YOU
LOVE THEM. SO, YEAH [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> AND THAT'S THE MESSAGE. >> Jimmy: WE LOVE YOU, BUDDY WILLIAM SHATNER, EVERYBODY
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE HE WENT TO SPACE HE WAS AN ASTRONAUT.
IT'S WILLIAM SHATNER [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
"TONIGHT SHOW. STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING ON
THE SHOW WE LOVE YOU, BUDDY [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* >> Jimmy: OUR NEXT GUEST CAN BE SEEN AT THE NEW YORK COMEDY
CELLAR, TUESDAY, OCTOBER 19th. MAKING HIS "TONIGHT SHOW" DEBUT, PLEASE WELCOME THE VERY
FUNNY TOM THAKKAR.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> HOLY MOLY LOOK AT YOU. OH, MY GOSH.
THIS IS INCREDIBLE IT'S SO GOOD TO BE HERE. I'VE BEEN AGING RAPIDLY.
I'VE BEEN CATCHING MYSELF JUST SAYING OLD PEOPLE STUFF LATELY I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET
THE OTHER DAY AND I JUST HEARD MYSELF GO, "THAT POST OFFICE USED TO BE A BANK.
[ LAUGHTER ] WHO CARES? THAT'S NOT A GOOD STORY.
THAT SUCKS [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] THAT'S AN OLD PERSON STORY, YOU
KNOW THEY'RE ALWAYS TELLING YOU STUFF LIKE THAT.
THEY'RE LIKE, "THAT PIZZA PLACE WAS A SPAGHETTI PLACE BEFORE." [ LAUGHTER ]
"ALL RIGHT DID YOU LIKE THE SPAGHETTI PLACE?
"NO. IT JUST WAS. YOU HAVE TO KNOW WHAT WAS.
[ LAUGHTER ] I'M NOT THAT OLD YET I'LL KNOW I'M REALLY OLD WHEN I
HAVE A LOUD CLOCK IN MY HOUSE. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] OLD PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS INTO THE
LOUDEST CLOCKS YOU STAY WITH AN OLD PERSON, THEIR CLOCK IS LIKE, "BING,
BONG, DING, DONG DING, DONG, BING, BONG BONG
BONG BONG!"
[ LAUGHTER ] AND THEN THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE, "I HAD TROUBLE SLEEPING LAST
NIGHT. LIKE YEAH, I WONDER WHY. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I'M FROM INDIANA I LIVE IN NEW YORK BUT MY FAMILY REFUSES TO VISIT
ME HERE AND MY FRIENDS, BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL SCARED OF NEW YORK THEY THINK IT'S TOO DANGEROUS,
WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE INDIANA IS THE MOST DANGEROUS PLACE I'VE EVER BEEN
[ LAUGHTER ] WHEN I WAS A KID, OUR MAIN FORM OF ENTERTAINMENT WAS A
A TRAMPOLINE THAT DIDN'T HAVE THE GUARD NET THING AROUND IT. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
THOSE ARE LIKE LITTLE KID DEATH TRAPS. EVERY KID HOBBLES AWAY LIKE,
"WE LOST JEREMY BACK THERE AND I'M DIFFERENT NOW. [ LAUGHTER ]
MY BROTHER BROKE HIS LEG ON OUR TRAMPOLINE IMMEDIATELY, BECAUSE DID HE THAT THING WHERE HE WAS
LIKE, "I'M GOING TO GO AS HIGH AS I CAN ON THE NEW TRAMPOLINE," AND THEN HE DID,
AND THEN HE STARTED TO FLOAT AWAY FROM THE TRAMPOLINE [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW THAT MOMENT WHERE YOU SEE SOMEBODY SUSPENDED IN THE AIR AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, NO
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] WE'RE ABOUT TO HEAR A NEW NOISE.
[ LAUGHTER ] THAT'S GOING TO BE CRAZY BUT, NO, MY BROTHER BROKE HIS
LEG, AND THEN HE MADE ME -- WE DIDN'T WANT TO TELL MY MOM WHAT HAPPENED, BECAUSE WE DIDN'T
WANT TO LOSE THE TRAMPOLINE. SO HE MADE ME DRAG HIM INTO THE HOUSE, AND THEN WHEN MY MOM GOT
HOME, WE TOLD HER THAT MY UNCLE BROKE MY BROTHER'S LEG [ LAUGHTER ]
BECAUSE WE WERE MORE WILLING TO LOSE HIM THAN A BOUNCY TARP, SO -
[ LAUGHTER ] I GOT BANNED ON TWITTER LAST YEAR
THIS IS TRUE BECAUSE I GOT SUPER INTO THIS SHOW CALLED "MY CAT FROM HELL.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] I DON'T KNOW IF GUYS HAVE SEEN IT
IT'S THE BEST SHOW IT'S ON ANIMAL PLANET. IT'S LIKE "THE DOG WHISPERER,"
BUT FOR CATS AND THE HOST'S NAME IS JACKSON GALAXY AND HE CALLS
HIMSELF THE CAT DADDY. [ LAUGHTER ] IT'S INCREDIBLE.
AND I WAS WATCHING, AND I WAS LIKE, "MAN, I BET THIS SHOW HAS THE BEST TWITTER ACCOUNT OF ALL
TIME WITH ALL THESE CRAZY CAT PEOPLE AND JACKSON GALAXY. I LOOKED IT UP
THEY DIDN'T HAVE A TWITTER ACCOUNT. BUT NOW THEY DO.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE BECAUSE I MADE ONE I MADE A TWITTER ACCOUNT FOR
"MY CAT FROM HELL. AND I GOT LIKE, 15,000 FOLLOWERS, BECAUSE I
PLAYED IT STRAIGHT ALL I WOULD TWEET WAS LIKE, "CHECK OUT THE SHOW.
SUNDAYS AT 9:00. YOU KNOW [ LAUGHTER ]
"WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE MEOWMENT FROM TONIGHT'S EPISODE?
[ LAUGHTER ] I DID THAT FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR LIKE A PSYCHO.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] AND IT WAS SO BELIEVABLE THAT WHEN PEOPLE INTERVIEWED THE
HOST OF THE SHOW, THEY'D TAG MY TWITTER ACCOUNT. THEY'D BE LIKE, "FOLLOW HIM
HERE," AND EVERYBODY DID AND THEN A YEAR IN, I GOT DRUNK AND I WAS LIKE, "LET'S BURN
THIS THING DOWN. YOU KNOW [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
SO MY FIRST MOVE WAS I TWEETED OUT, "HEY, SEND IN A PICTURE OF YOUR CAT AND I'LL GIVE IT
A RATING FROM 1 TO 10. [ LAUGHTER ] AND I GOT THOUSANDS OF CAT
PICTURES, AND I GAVE THEM ALL THREES [ LAUGHTER ]
AND PEOPLE WERE SO MAD I THOUGHT THEY MIGHT THINK IT WAS FUNNY.
THEY DID NOT THEY WERE LIKE, "HOW DARE YOU DISRESPECT MY CAT AND MY
FAMILY." AND WAS JUST LIKE, "HEY, I'M SORRY YOUR CAT'S A BUTTER TAIL
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME." [ LAUGHTER ]
"I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO YOUR LITTLE KITTY CAT, YOU PERVERT. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
BUT I SPELLED "PERVERT" P-U-R-R-V-E-R-T. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
TO STAY ON BRAND BUT WHAT GOT ME IN TROUBLE WAS PEOPLE WERE ASKING ME FOR CAT
ADVICE ALL THE TIME, AND I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CATS
BUT I STARTED GIVING ADVICE. [ LAUGHTER ] A LOT OF IT WAS LIKE, PEOPLE
GOING, "HEY, MY CAT SCRATCHES OUR FACES EVERY DAY. AND I WAS LIKE, "YOU'VE GOT TO
CHANGE THAT CAT'S NAME, BROTHER. [ LAUGHTER ]
THE ONE THAT REALLY GOT ME IN TROUBLE THOUGH IS THIS GUY GOES, "HEY, MY CAT KEEPS GOING
TO THE BATHROOM NEXT TO THE LITTER BOX AND HE WON'T GO INSIDE
NEXT TO IT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. AND I WAS LIKE, "LOOK, CATS ARE
VERY OBSERVANT, PERCEPTIVE CREATURES. [ LAUGHTER ]
SOMETIMES THEY NEED TO SEE YOU GO IN THE LITTER BOX BEFORE THEY KNOW WHAT TO DO."
AND RIGHT BEFORE I GOT BANNED, I JUST SAW ONE TWEET FROM THAT DUDE THAT WAS LIKE, "THIS IS
NOT WORKING. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ALL RIGHT, I'M TOM THAKKAR
THANK YOU GUYS VERY MUCH [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
>> Jimmy: HEY! THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT, BROTHER. OH MY GOSH, FANTASTIC!
TOM THAKKAR! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE HE WILL BE AT THE NEW YORK
COMEDY CELLAR TUESDAY, OCTOBER 19th MY THANKS TO JAMIE FOXX,
PHOEBE ROBINSON, WILLIAM SHATNER, TOM THAKKAR [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
AND THE ROOTS RIGHT THERE FROM PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA THANK YOU FOR WATCHING
STAY TUNED FOR "LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS. GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.