>> Steve: FROM STUDIO 6B IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER IN THE HEART OF NEW YORK CITY, IT'S "THE
TONIGHT SHOW STARRING
JIMMY FALLON."
TONIGHT, JOIN JIMMY AND HIS
GUESTS -
HASAN MINHAJ
JAMES WOLK
MUSICAL GUEST MEEK MILL,
AND FEATURING THE LEGENDARY
ROOTS CREW
>> Questlove: 1518
>> Steve: AND NOW, HERE HE IS,
JIMMY FALLON
♪ ♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: PLEASE, DID YOU SEE
MY MOVE THERE?
>> Tariq: YEAH
>> Jimmy: IMPRESSED.
>> WHAT'S UP JIMMY
CC >> Tariq: I LIKE THAT. YEAH,
JUST POPPED IT OUT
♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
WELCOME, EVERYBODY
WELCOME TO "THE TONIGHT SHOW."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE
THANK YOU FOR WATCHING
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
BIG NEWS TODAY, AS PFIZER
ANNOUNCED THAT A LOW DOSE OF
ITS VACCINE IS SAFE AND
EFFECTIVE FOR KIDS
AGES 5 TO 11
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
IT'S GREAT NEWS UNTIL YOU HEAR
A 6-YEAR-OLD SAY, "I WANT TO DO
MY OWN RESEARCH FIRST.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH, IT'S A VERSION OF THE
PFIZER VACCINE THAT'S MUCH,
MUCH WEAKER, SO THEY'RE CALLING
IT JOHNSON & JOHNSON
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S RIGHT
THE VACCINE IS HIGHLY EFFECTIVE
FOR KIDS 5 TO 11, MEANWHILE,
4-YEAR-OLDS ARE LIKE, "YEAH,
DON'T MIND US, WE'LL JUST KEEP
CLOROX WIPES IN OUR LEGOS.
OKAY?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
OF COURSE, A LOT OF KIDS WILL
GET THE VACCINE WHILE A SMALL
MINORITY WILL INSIST ON TAKING
PONY DEWORMER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BECAUSE THEY'RE CHILDREN
>> Steve: YEAH, THEY'RE
CHILDREN
NOT HORSE DEWORMER, PONY -
>> Jimmy: THAT'S CORRECT
WELL, THIS IS BIG NEWS
PFIZER DECIDED TO GET THE WORD
OUT WITH A NEW AD.
SO I'M NOT SURE THEY'RE SENDING
THE RIGHT MESSAGE.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
DEDICATED TO IMPROVING THE LIVES OF OUR CUSTOMERS, WHETHER IT'S THROUGH OUR POPULAR
VACCINE SOON TO BE AVAILABLE TO
CHILDREN, OR THROUGH THE THING
THE REST OF YOU KNOW US FOR --
VIAGRA
PFIZER, WE HELPED YOU MAKE YOUR
KIDS, NOW LET US KEEP THEM
SAFE
>> Jimmy: INTERESTING.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
VERY INTERESTING
>> Steve: WOW.
>> Jimmy: MEANWHILE OUT IN
CALIFORNIA, I SAW THAT SOME
McDONALD'S LOCATIONS ARE NOW
OFFERING FREE VACCINES
IT'S NOT EVERY LOCATION, SO
DOUBLE-CHECK BEFORE YOU LET
A CLOWN STAB YOU WITH A NEEDLE
I'M JUST SAYING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ADVICE
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT
IT TOOK 66 YEARS BUT THERE'S
FINALLY SOMETHING HEALTHY AT
McDONALD'S
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S RIGHT
McDONALD'S IS OFFERING
VACCINES
MAN, THOSE GUYS WILL DO
ANYTHING TO AVOID FIXING THE
ICE CREAM MACHINES
ANYTHING
[ LAUGHTER ]
JUST FIX THE THING
WELL, GUYS, THIS WEEK, WORLD
LEADERS ARE HERE IN NEW YORK
CITY FOR THE UNITED NATIONS
GENERAL ASSEMBLY
YEP, ALL THE WORLD LEADERS ARE
HERE AND IF YOU THINK YOUR JOB
IS STRESSFUL, IMAGINE TELLING
BRAZIL'S UNVACCINATED PRESIDENT
HE'S NOT ALLOWED IN SBARROS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
MEANWHILE IN NEW YORK CITY,
MAYOR BILL de BLASIO ADDRESSED
WORLD LEADERS AND SAID "IF YOU
DON'T WANT TO BE VACCINATED,
DON'T BOTHER COMING.
[ AUDIENCE OOHS
NEW YORKERS AGREED WITH THE
MAYOR.
THEY WERE LIKE, "YEAH, STAY
OUT.
AND TAKE de BLASIO WITH YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ]
TAKE HIM TOO
[ APPLAUSE ]
WELL, SOME MORE NEWS HERE.
I SAW THAT FORMER PRESIDENT
TRUMP IS TRYING TO FIND SOMEONE
TO REPLACE MITCH McCONNELL,
EVEN THOUGH THE GOP STILL
SUPPORTS HIM
SO I GUESS NOW HE'S TRYING TO
COMPROMISE BY FINDING SOMEONE
WHO'S SIMILAR TO McCONNELL
CHECK OUT A FEW OF THE PEOPLE
HE'S RECOMMENDED
FIRST OFF, THERE'S HANS MOLEMAN
FROM "THE SIMPSONS."
[ LAUGHTER ]
NEXT UP, THERE'S A SMILEY FACE
FRENCH FRY
[ LAUGHTER ]
AFTER THAT, HE RECOMMENDED
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS'
GRANDMOTHER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND FINALLY, HE RECOMMENDED
HARRY POTTER AFTER USING THE
OLD FILTER ON FACEAPP.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
THESE ARE HIS --
>> Steve: WOW.
>> Jimmy: I DON'T KNOW
HEY, GET THIS, I HEARD THAT
BETO O'ROURKE IS PREPARING TO
RUN FOR GOVERNOR OF TEXAS.
[ CHEERS ]
-- IN 2022
THEY LIKE THIS
SO, BETO HAS RUN FOR SENATOR,
PRESIDENT AND NOW GOVERNOR
IF HE LOSES THIS RACE, THE ONLY
THING LEFT IS CONDO BOARD
TREASURER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND FINALLY, TWO MEN IN
AUSTRALIA WERE ARRESTED AFTER
THEY WERE CAUGHT CROSSING THE
BORDER WITH $100,000 AND A
A TRUNK FULL OF KFC.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SAY WHAT YOU WANT, BUT THAT
CASH WILL NEVER NOT SMELL LIKE
FRIED CHICKEN.
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW
GIVE IT UP FOR THE ROOTS,
EVERYBODY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ♪ ♪
>> Jimmy: HEY, EVERYONE.
IT IS MONDAY
WE'RE EXCITED TO BE BACK
WE'VE GOT A GREAT WEEK OF SHOWS
AHEAD.
TOMORROW, NICOLE KIDMAN WILL BE
HERE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
STEVE MARTIN WILL BE HERE,
STEVE MARTIN
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
MARTIN SHORT
>> Steve: OH
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: ALESSIA CARA WILL BE
HERE
AND ON THURSDAY WE'RE DOING
SOMETHING VERY EXCITING.
IT'S A SPECIAL SHOW CELEBRATING
NEW YORK CITY.
WE'RE GOING TO DO AN EPISODE
FROM ALL FIVE BOROUGHS OF THE
CITY
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THAT'S THIS THURSDAY
IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.
BUT FIRST, WHAT A SHOW WE HAVE
FOR YOU TONIGHT.
YOU CAN SEE HIM ON THE APPLE TV
PLUS SERIES "THE MORNING SHOW,"
ALSO ON HIS STAND-UP TOUR,
"HASAN MINHAJ: THE KING'S
JESTER."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
HASAN MINHAJ IS HERE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
HASAN!
PLUS, HE'S THE STAR OF THE NEW
SERIES "ORDINARY JOE," WHICH
YOU CAN SEE EVERY MONDAY ON
NBC, JAMES WOLK IS HERE!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
AND WHAT A TREAT WE HAVE
TONIGHT.
IN-STUDIO PERFORMANCE FROM
MEEK MILL WITH LIL UZI VERT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
LIL UZI VERT IS COMING TOO
IT'LL BE FUN
GUYS, IT IS TIME FOR OUR LATEST
INSTALLMENT OF "TONIGHT SHOW
POLLS.
HERE WE GO
♪ TONIGHT SHO POLLS ♪ >> Jimmy: NOW THIS FIRST POLL
ASKED, "DO YOU WEAR YOUR FACE
MASK PROPERLY?
70% SAID ALWAYS.
29% SAID MOST OF THE TIME.
NFL COACHES SAID, I DON'T KNOW
IS THIS RIGHT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO, THEY'RE NOT.
THIS NEXT POLL ASKED, "WHAT WAS
THE BIGGEST SURPRISE OF YOUR
LIFE?"
50% SAID, A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL.
20% SAID, BEING THROWN A
A SURPRISE PARTY
30% SAID, SEEING THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN WHAT PEOPLE IN CASINO
COMMERCIALS LOOK LIKE AND THE
ACTUAL PEOPLE IN CASINOS
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THIS NEXT ONE ASKED, "WERE YOU
A BULLY IN HIGH SCHOOL?"
90% SAID, NO
10% SAID, "WERE YOU A BULLY IN
HIGH SCHOOL?
THAT'S YOU
THAT'S WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
THIS NEXT ONE SAID, I'M TOO
SEXY
10% SAID, FOR MY LOVE.
10% SAID, FOR MY SHIRT
10% SAID, FOR MILAN.
10% SAID, FOR YOUR PARTY
60% SAID, I'M A MODEL, YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN, AND I DO MY LITTLE
TURN ON THE CATWALK.
YEAH, ON THE CATWALK, ON THE
CATWALK, YEAH, I DO MY LITTLE
TURN ON THE CATWALK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THIS LAST POLL ASKED, "HOW ARE
YOU CELEBRATING YOUR FRIEND'S
BIRTHDAY WEEK.
10% SAID, HAPPY HOUR
10% SAID, LUNCH.
80% SAID, SHE'S GETTING NOTHING
UNTIL SHE STOPS CALLING IT HER
"BIRTHDAY WEEK."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FOR
"TONIGHT SHOW POLLS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
"FREESTYLIN' WITH THE ROOTS.
IT'S GONNA BE FUN.
COME ON BACK
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK
HEY, GUYS, I ALWAYS SAY THAT
OUR SHOW IS LUCKY TO HAVE THE
GREATEST BAND IN LATE NIGHT.
THE ROOTS, RIGHT THERE, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
BUT IT ISN'T ALWAYS FUN AND
GAMES.
FROM TIME TO TIME WE PUT THE
ROOTS TO THE TEST.
WE'RE GOING TO PICK THREE
PEOPLE RANDOMLY FROM OUR
AUDIENCE, AND HAVE THE ROOTS
MAKE UP SONGS ABOUT THEM ON THE
SPOT
IT IS TIME FOR "FREESTYLIN'
WITH THE ROOTS."
HERE WE GO
♪ ♪ TIME TO FREESTYLE WITH THE ROOTS ♪
♪
>> Jimmy: HEY, ROOTS, YOU GUYS
READY TO DO THIS
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.
LET'S PICK SOMEONE
RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU WANT THE
ROOTS TO WRITE A SONG ABOUT
YOU.
RIGHT THERE WITH THE PINK --
ALMOST LIKE A -- WHAT COLOR IS
THAT MASK?
I LIKE IT.
LIKE A -- YEAH
OH, YOU CAN USE THE MIC.
>> THANK YOU
IT'S PINK, YEAH.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, YOU'RE WELCOME,
YEAH
WHAT IS YOUR NAME AND WHERE ARE
YOU FROM
>> I'M SARAH
I'M FROM THE SAN FRANCISCO BAY
AREA
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: HEY!
SAN FRANCISCO, I LOVE IT
OKAY, SARAH, DRAKE'S NEW ALBUM
IS CALLED "CERTIFIED LOVER
BOY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT YOU
WOULD BE CERTIFIED IN?
YOU SHOULD BE CERTIFIED IN
>> OH, MY GOSH
UM -
SNOOZING MY ALARM EVERY
MORNING.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, YOU SHOULD BE
CERTIFIED -- SNOOZING YOUR
ALARM.
YEAH, YOU'RE GOOD AT THAT.
YEAH
YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.
I LOVE THAT.
WHAT IS THE MOST ROMANTIC THING
THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?
>> MY BOYFRIEND GOT ME FLOWERS,
AND WROTE ME THIS NICE CARD ON
MY BIRTHDAY.
AND IT WAS REALLY SWEET.
>> Jimmy: AH, SEE, THAT'S WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT.
FLOWERS AND A CARD FROM THE
BOYFRIEND.
[ APPLAUSE ]
STILL SEEING HIM
>> YES, YES.
>> Jimmy: PERFECT, OKAY GOOD
ALL RIGHT.
GUYS, WE HAVE SARAH FROM THE
BAY AREA, SAN FRANCISCO.
AND SHE THINKS SHE WOULD BE
CERTIFIED IN HITTING THE SNOOZE
BUTTON ON HER ALARM.
AND THE MOST ROMANTIC THING
THAT'S HAPPENED TO SARAH IS HER
BOYFRIEND ON HER BIRTHDAY --
COME ON, CLASSY GUY -- FLOWERS
AND A CARD
YEAH, IT WASN'T PRINTED.
>> NO, IT WAS HANDWRITTEN.
>> Jimmy: HANDWRITTEN.
>> HANDWRITTEN
>> Jimmy: HE DIDN'T JUST SIGN
IT, AND GIVE YOU A CARD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: HE WROTE OUT
SOMETHING VERY NICE AND
PERSONAL, AND WE WON'T GET INTO
IT
WHAT DID HE SAY?
JUST SAY -- NO, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO
[ LAUGHTER ]
ROOTS, FOR THIS ONE, SINCE I
MENTIONED DRAKE, CAN WE DO A
A DRAKE TYPE OF SONG
♪
♪ OH OKAY
OKAY
YEAH YEAH ♪
♪ TOO SEXY FOR THIS EIGHT
I'M SARAHH WITH A
WHAT CAN I SAY ♪
♪ I'M TOO SEXY FO
SAN FRANCISCO BA
DRAKE ALBUM CERTIFIE
LOVER BOY ♪
♪ YEAH THAT IS MY JAM
BUT I'M TOO SEXY TO LISTEN S
I DON'T PUT IT O
TOO SEXY FOR THIS SHOW ♪
♪ TOO SEXY FOR MY BRO
TOO SEXY TO HIT SNOOZE O
THAT ALARM I LET IT GO ♪
♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT
RIGHT THERE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THAT IS HOW YOU DO IT.
LET'S DO ANOTHER ONE
WHO -- RIGHT THERE
IN THE VERY PRETTY DRESS
WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
>> I'M ROSALIE
>> Jimmy: ROSALIE.
A NEW SEASON OF "THE VOICE"
PREMIERED TONIGHT.
WHAT HIDDEN TALENT DO YOU HAVE
>> WELL, IT'S STILL HIDING
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: IT'S STILL HIDING.
THAT'S REALLY FUNNY.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I KNOW ONE TALENT, YOU'RE VERY
FUNNY.
>> THANK YOU
>> Jimmy: ROSALIE, IF YOU COULD
CHOOSE ANY CELEBRITY TO BE YOUR
LIFE COACH, WHO WOULD YOU
CHOOSE
>> OH, MAN
CHILDISH GAMBINO
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: CHILDISH GAMBINO
ALL RIGHT, CHILDISH GAMBINO TO
BE HER LIFE COACH.
I LOVE IT.
SURE
GUYS, WE HAVE ROSALIE.
OKAY
HER HIDDEN TALENT IS CURRENTLY
STILL HIDING
[ LAUGHTER ]
HER HIDDEN TALENT IS STILL
HIDING, BUT I THINK SHE'S
FUNNY.
AND IF SHE COULD CHOOSE ANY
CELEBRITY TO BE HER LIFE COACH,
ANYONE, ANYONE -- IT COULD
BE -- IT COLD BE DONALD GLOVER
IT'S NOT
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO
CHILDISH GAMBINO WOULD BE HER
LIFE COACH
[ APPLAUSE ]
I JUST FIND IT INTERESTING
HERE WE GO
FOR THIS ONE, ROOTS, I REALLY
WANT TO TEST YOU GUYS.
CAN WE DO AN OLD, LIKE,
WESTERN -- LIKE SOMETHING THAT
WOULD BE AN OLD -- LIKE SOME
TYPE OF -- LIKE AN OLD WESTERN
MOVIE OR SOMETHING
YOU KNOW
♪
♪ ROSALIE COMES U
FROM THE VALLE
THE PEOPLE JUST REJOIC
AND HER TALENT'S HIDING ♪
♪ BUT LET'S JUST SAY IT
AIN'T HER VOIC
CELEBRITY LIFE
COACHES WELCOME ♪
♪ SHE SAID I DON'
KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN
SO I SAID WHO WOUL
YOU LIKE TO BE YOUR ♪
♪ CELEBRITY LIFE COAC
AND YOU CAN PICK ANYON
AND SHE SAID O
CHILDISH GAMBIN-O ♪
♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Tariq: YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD
ME
>> Jimmy: NO, I LIKE IT.
YOU RHYMED GAMBINE
YEAH, I LIKE THAT.
GAMBINE.
I LOVE IT.
LET'S DO ONE MORE.
HOW ABOUT ALL THE WAY IN THE UP
TOP ON THAT SIDE
ALL THE WAY UP TOP
HELLO, WHAT IS YOUR NAME
>> MY NAME IS GRACE.
>> Jimmy: HELLO, GRACE
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE
GRACE, FALL IS AROUND THE
CORNER
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PART ABOUT
FALL
>> PRETENDING I AM IN
"TWILIGHT" WHEN IT GETS COLD
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: WHAT
IS THAT A THING?
PRETENDING TO BE IN "TWILIGHT"
WHEN IT GETS COLD.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> YES
>> Jimmy: LIKE, 'CAUSE YOU
COULD SEE YOUR BREATH OR
SOMETHING?
>> YEAH, LIKE THE FASHIONS,
LIKE, LAYERING AND STUFF
>> Jimmy: OH, OKAY
GOT IT, YEAH
SWEATER WEATHER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
GRACE, WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE
HALLOWEEN COSTUME?
DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THIS LAST
YEAR
COULD BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID
>> UM, I WAS ANGELICA SCHUYLER
FROM "HAMILTON."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: YOU WERE ANGELICA?
ANGELICA
THAT'S A GREAT ONE
PROBABLY NOT THAT POPULAR.
NOT THAT MANY PEOPLE WERE
ANGELICA
OKAY, WE HAVE GRACE.
HER FAVORITE PART OF FALL, LIKE
MANY OF US, IS PRETENDING TO BE
IN "TWILIGHT" WHEN IT GETS
COLD
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S -- I ALWAYS THINK OF
THAT, TOO, IN FALL
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
AND HER FAVORITE HALLOWEEN
COSTUME -- SHE WAS
ANGELICA SCHUYLER FROM
"HAMILTON.
I LOVE THIS.
FOR THIS LAST ONE, THE EMMYS
WERE LAST NIGHT, AND "THE
CROWN" TOOK HOME A BUNCH OF
AWARDS
CAN WE DO SOMETHING IN THE
STYLE OF, LIKE, QUEEN?
>> Tariq: OH, QUEEN, YEAH.
OKAY, OKAY
♪
♪ UH-HU
WELL GRACE IN THE PLAC
WHERE YOU LOVE THE ROOTS
AND ALL ♪
♪ GOOD TO KNOW THEY LIK
ACTING LIKE THEY'R
ON "TWILIGHT" IN THE FALL ♪
♪ YOUR FAVORITE PART OF -
IS THE LAYERS IN THE FAL
ANOTHER ON
BITES THE STYLE ♪
♪
>> Jimmy: HEY, THAT'S WHAT I'M
TALKING ABOUT.
THANK YOU TO OUR AUDIENCE.
THANK YOU TO THE ROOTS
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
HASAN MINHAJ
AND THEN LATER, WHEN WE HAVE AN
IN-STUDIO PERFORMANCE FROM
MEEK MILL AND LIL UZI VERT
COME ON BACK, EVERYBODY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
>> Jimmy: OUR FIRST GUEST IS A
A VERY TALENTED COMEDIAN WHO IS
CURRENTLY ON HIS NEW STAND-UP
TOUR CALLED "HASAN MINHAJ: THE
KING'S JESTER.
YOU CAN ALSO SEE HIM IN "THE
MORNING SHOW," WHICH HAS NEW
EPISODES AVAILABLE EVERY FRIDAY
ON APPLE TV PLUS
PLEASE WELCOME HASAN MINHAJ,
EVERYBODY.
♪ ♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> THANK YOU
>> Jimmy: LOOK AT YOU.
HASAN, LOOK AT YOU ON TV
HOLDING YOUR OWN WITH
REESE WITHERSPOON.
>> WE'RE BACK!
>> Jimmy: I WANT TO GET IN --
WE'RE BACK
>> WE'RE BACK ON TV.
>> Jimmy: YES WE ARE
>> LIVE AUDIENCE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: LIVE AUDIENCE.
>> I FEEL GREAT.
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE BUSY.
>> DUDE, WE HAD A BUSY
PANDEMIC
>> Jimmy: YOU HAD A VERY
BUSY -
>> PRODUCTIVE.
MY WIFE AND I, WE HAD OUR BABY,
SECOND BABY.
YES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
NOW, LISTEN, I HAVEN'T TOLD
ANYBODY THIS, JIMMY.
THIS IS NEWS FOR A LOT OF
PEOPLE, BUT MY WIFE AND I, WE
WERE ACTUALLY HAVING FERTILITY
PROBLEMS FOR YEARS
>> Jimmy: OH, REALLY
>> AND THAT WAS REALLY TOUGH ON
US AND IT LOADED THE
RELATIONSHIP WITH A LOT OF
TENSION.
>> Jimmy: OF COURSE, SURE.
>> YOU KNOW, WE'D BE SITTING
THERE LATE AT NIGHT HAVING
REALLY TOUGH CONVERSATIONS
YOU KNOW, ARE WE GOING TO BE
ABLE TO HAVE KIDS?
ARE WE ARROGANT FOR THINKING WE
DESERVE KIDS
YOU KNOW AND I WAS TRYING TO,
YOU KNOW, BE OPTIMISTIC.
I GO, "BABE, WHAT IF WE ADOPT?
RIGHT?
>> Jimmy: YEAH
>> WHAT IF WE ADOPT A WHITE
BABY JUST TO FLEX ON THESE
MOTHER [ BLEEP ]
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
JUST TO SHOW PEOPLE WE REALLY
MADE IT IN THIS COUNTRY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
AND WE'LL SHOW HIM OFF
TAKE HIM TO PARTIES.
>> Jimmy: NO
>> HI, I'M BRADLEY
I'M A PROUD MEMBER OF THE
INDIAN-AMERICAN COMMUNITY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS IS MY SON, BRADLEY!
>> Jimmy: FLEX
>> FOR $15 A DAY, BRADLEY GOES
TO THE GYMBOREE ON THE UPPER
WEST SIDE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: GYMBOREE
>> WE SAVED HIM.
FROM A WAR-TORN PART OF
AMERICA, DETROIT
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND SHE TOLD ME, "I WANT A BABY
WITH YOU."
IT IS NOT MY OVARIES, YOU HAVE
GOT TO GO GET YOUR BALLS
CHECKED OUT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOW, LISTEN, LISTEN -- I'M AT
THAT AGE NOW WHERE A LOT OF
DOCTORS ARE MY AGE, OKAY
>> Jimmy: OKAY
>> AND THEY'RE INDIAN, WHICH
MEANS I MIGHT KNOW THEM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO I'M SITTING OVER HERE AT THE
FERTILITY CLINIC, NURSE COMES
OUT, SHE'S LIKE, "DR. SHAH WILL
SEE YOU NOW.
AND I'M LIKE, "THIS BETTER NOT
BE ARJAN SHAH.
OKAY
DOOR OPENS, I HEAR A FAMILIAR
VOICE.
HE'S LIKE, "HASAN MINHAJ?"
I'M LIKE, THIS IS ARJAN SHAH
THIS KID IS AN IDIOT
I GREW UP WITH HIM
>> Jimmy: NO, YOU'RE JOKE --
>> YES, HE FAILED OUT OF THE
CARIBBEAN MED SCHOOL TWICE,
JIMMY.
>> Jimmy: THIS IS SO YOU
THIS COULD ONLY HAPPEN TO YOU.
>> YEAH, I GO, "ARJAN, HOW ARE
YOU LICENSED?"
HE'S LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW."
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S WHY I'M A JIZZ DOCTOR UP
ON THE UPPER WEST SIDE
>> Jimmy: OH, OKAY
[ AUDIENCE OHS ]
PROBABLY A DIFFERENT NAME FOR
IT
>> DROP YOUR PANTS, HOW'S
AUNTIE
I'M LIKE, "DON'T BRING MY MOM
INTO THIS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS IS CRAZY.
HE'S NOT EVEN AN M.D., JIMMY,
HE'S A D.O
>> Jimmy: WHAT IS IT
>> I'M LIKE, THIS GUY CAN'T
EVEN AFFORD ALL THE GOOD
LETTERS.
OH, YOU DON'T KNOW THIS.
>> Jimmy: WHAT IS A D.O.
>> THERE'S A WAR GOING ON IN
THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY GUYS
BETWEEN M.D.s AND D.O.s.
>> Jimmy: I DON'T KNOW D.O
>> OKAY, SO IT'S LIKE --
THEY'RE BASICALLY THE SAME BUT
THEY'RE TOTALLY NOT.
LIKE, AN M.D. IS COCA-COLA AND
A D.O.
IS RC COLA
YOU UNDERSTAND
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S LIKE AN OFF-BRAND DOCTOR.
LIKE JOHN OLIVER IS AN M.D.,
I'M A D.O.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: NO, YOU'RE AN M.D.
>> LISTEN, SO, YOU KNOW, ARJAN
COMES IN THERE
HE'S LIKE, "LISTEN, MAN, IF
YOU --" HE'S FEELING AROUND MY
MERCHANDISE.
AND HE GOES, "OH, YOU --
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU HAVE TOO MUCH BLOOD DOWN
THERE.
IT'S BEEN LOWERING YOUR SPERM
COUNT, SO WE'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO DO A VERY DANGEROUS SURGERY
IT'S CALLED VARICOCELE REPAIR
SURGERY.
BUT DON'T WORRY, BRO, I'LL BE
DOING THE SURGERY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M LIKE, "ARJAN, I'M VERY
WORRIED.
YOU'RE IN A LAB COAT AND
JORDANS.
THIS IS NOT INSTILLING
CONFIDENCE IN ME, AS A PATIENT
>> Jimmy: IN HIS JORDANS
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HE PULLS OUT A TRIMMER AND
HE GOES, "LET ME GET UP IN
THERE.
I'LL SHAVE YOU DOWN.
I'LL DO IT RIGHT HERE RIGHT
NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I GO, "ARJAN --"
>> Jimmy: NO, THIS IS --
>> YEAH.
I KNOW WE GREW UP TOGETHER BUT
I'M NOT READY FOR THIS
HE GOES, "LISTEN, MAN.
IF YOU DON'T GET THIS SURGERY,
YOU CAN'T HAVE KIDS.
AND I GO, "YOU KNOW WHAT
JUST GIVE ME THE FADE.
MAKE THE TOP MATCH THE BOTTOM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: GIVE ME THE FADE
>> YEAH, HE PUTS THE
DARTH VADER ON ME.
SIX HOURS LATER, I WAKE UP
I'M BUTT NAKED IN A DIAPER
>> Jimmy: YEAH
>> FOUR HUGE BLOODSTAINS ON THE
DIAPER
I LOOK DOWN, I LOOK UP, I SEE
ARJAN.
I GO, "ARJAN, I ONLY HAVE TWO
TESTICLES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH
>> HOW DID YOU MESS UP TWO
EXTRA TIMES?
HE'S LIKE, "DON'T WORRY, BRO
WE FIGURED IT OUT.
>> Jimmy: YEAH
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> JUST GIVE IT SIX WEEKS AND
YOU'LL BE GOOD TO GO
SIX WEEKS LATER, WE HAVE HOT
MONOGAMOUS ACTION, ME AND
BEENA.
SHE GETS PREGNANT AND THERE YOU
GO
>> Jimmy: THAT'S WHAT I'M
TALKING ABOUT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> SO THANK YOU TO ARJAN SHAH
AND THE D.O.s.
>> Jimmy: AND THE D.O.s.
SHOUT OUT TO THE D.O.s
>> SHOUT OUT TO THE D.O.s.
>> Jimmy: DUDE, I WANT TO TALK
ABOUT "THE MORNING SHOW.
>> YES
>> Jimmy: BECAUSE THIS IS --
I SAW EPISODE ONE AND THERE YOU
ARE CRUSHING IT.
YOU AND REESE WITHERSPOON.
I GO, "LOOK AT HASAN, THIS IS
UNBELIEVABLE."
THIS IS -- IT'S A GIANT ROLE
FOR YOU.
>> YES
>> Jimmy: AND I LOVE -- YOU
KNOW, I'M A FAN, SO
CONGRATULATIONS ON THIS.
I WANT TO SHOW EVERYONE A CLIP
THIS IS HASAN MINHAJ IN "THE
MORNING SHOW."
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
SOMETHING HERE, AND I WANT TO MAKE A TOAST >> OKAY.
>> TO YOU.
>> UH-OH
>> BECAUSE YOU CAME IN AT
A REALLY DIFFICULT TIME, AND
YOU JUST REALLY PULLED ME
THROUGH IT
YOU'VE BEEN SINCERELY AN
AMAZING PARTNER AND I JUST WANT
TO THANK YOU
>> THAT MEANS A LOT.
HONESTLY
AND YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT
PARTNER, TOO
>> I GOT TWO
>> YEAH.
GOOD, GOOD
GREAT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: HASAN MINHAJ
SEASON TWO OF "THE MORNING
SHOW" IS ON APPLE TV PLUS.
AND TICKETS FOR "HASAN MINHAJ:
THE KING'S JESTER TOUR" ARE ON
HASANMINHAJ.COM.
WE'RE DOING SOMETHING FUN AFTER
THE BREAK.
COME ON BACK, EVERYBODY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
WE'RE HANGING OUT WITH
HASAN MINHAJ RIGHT NOW
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
HASAN, YOU'RE NOT AFRAID TO
SPEAK YOUR MIND, AND YOU ALWAYS
GIVE GREAT ADVICE, SO I THOUGHT
RIGHT NOW, WE COULD HELP SOME
PEOPLE OUT WITH THEIR BIG LIFE
DECISIONS.
IT'S TIME FOR "LIFE COACH WITH
HASAN MINHAJ."
HERE WE GO
WITH HASAN MINHAJ ♪ >> Jimmy: NOT BAD RIGHT? YOU LIKE THAT?
>> I LOVE IT
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, WE HAD
VIEWERS SEND IN SOME QUESTIONS
AND WE GOT SOME PRETTY GOOD
ONES HERE.
YOU READY TO GIVE US SOME
ADVICE
>> LET'S DO IT
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, HERE WE
GO
THIS FIRST ONE, "MY CO-WORKER
LOST A PET A FEW WEEKS AGO, AND
IT'S ALL SHE TALKS ABOUT
I'M A PET LOVER, AND I GET IT,
BUT IT'S A FISH.
I MEAN, COME ON, RIGHT?"
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY, WAIT -- FIRST OF ALL,
I THINK WE HAVE TO JUST FIGURE
THIS OUT AS A COUNTRY.
IF YOU CAN EAT YOUR PET, IS IT
A PET?
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU UNDERSTAND
CULTURALLY
>> Jimmy: YES, I UNDERSTAND,
BUT YOU CAN'T EAT YOUR DOG,
YOUR CAT, YOUR GUINEA PIG.
>> BUT IF YOU ARE TELLING ME
YOU ARE MOURNING YOUR FISH, BUT
YOU HAD A POKI BOWL FOR LUNCH,
I REFUSE, I REFUSE
[ LAUGHTER ]
LIKE, I'M NOT GOING TO PLAY
THIS GAME WITH YOU
[ CHEERS ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH, YOU CAN'T EAT
YOUR PET
HOW ABOUT THIS ONE, READY.
>> OKAY.
>> Jimmy: "MY CO-WORKER SNEEZES
ALL THE TIME."
>> OKAY.
>> Jimmy: "I USED TO SAY, 'GOD
BLESS YOU,' BUT IT'S LIKE
30 TIMES A DAY, SO I FINALLY
STOPPED.
HE'S BEEN COLD TO ME EVER
SINCE.
SHOULD I START BLESSING HIM
AGAIN?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ALL RIGHT
LET'S THINK ABOUT THIS
30 TIMES A DAY
THAT'S A LOT
>> Jimmy: THAT'S TOO MANY.
>> THAT'S TOO MANY
>> Jimmy: YEAH
>> BUT WE ALL KNOW SNEEZING AT
THE OFFICE IS THE NEW FARTING
AT THE OFFICE.
YOU CAN'T DO IT.
IF SOMEONE SNEEZES AT YOUR
OFFICE, THEY GO, "HEY, WELCOME
BACK."
NO MORE WORK FROM HOME AND YOU
SEE SOMEONE SNEEZING 30 TIMES
IN AN EIGHT-HOUR DAY, THAT'S
FOUR TIMES AN HOUR
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
THAT'S LIKE AN iPHONE BURST.
LIKE WHEN YOU TAKE A PHOTO, DA,
DA, DA
YOU'RE LIKE, "WHOA, WHAT'S
GOING ON?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
I THINK, LOOK, I'M A SPIRITUAL
PERSON
YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BLESS PEOPLE
MAYBE SWITCH IT UP AND DO WHAT
WE DO IN MY CULTURE, TARIQ, YOU
KNOW THIS.
WE'RE BROTHERS
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'LL SNEEZE, YOU TELL HIM WHAT
WE DO, OKAY.
I'M GONNA SNEEZE
>> Tariq: OKAY
>> ACHOO
[ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE
>> Hasan: THERE WE GO.
[ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE
IT'S ALL HALLELUJAH, YEAH.
ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH ASAP
FERG
>> Jimmy: YES, OF COURSE
>> HE HAS THAT SONG "RIDE WITH
THE MOB"
♪
[ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE
[ SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE
>> Jimmy: OKAY, SO YOU'RE
SAYING THAT'S THAT. >> YEAH,
JUST SWITCH IT UP.
>> Jimmy: YEAH -- ALL RIGHT,
HOW ABOUT THIS ONE
>> SURE.
>> Jimmy: "SHOULD I TELL MY
CO-WORKER THAT THEIR BAND IS
REALLY BAD
THEY'VE BEEN TRYING TO MAKE IT
HAPPEN FOR LIKE EIGHT YEARS,
AND LET ME TELL YOU, IT AIN'T
NEVER GONNA HAPPEN
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEIR SONGS ARE AWFUL.
THIS GUY CAN'T SING, CAN'T
WRITE A MELODY, NOTHING.
I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE SHOULD TELL
HIM.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> JIMMY, YOU CANNOT THROW YOUR
CO-WORKERS UNDER THE BUS HERE.
DID YOU WRITE THIS
THE ROOTS, THE ROOTS ARE ONE OF
THE GREATEST BANDS OF ALL TIME
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: NO
>> NO, NO, NO. THAT IS SUCH
A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE WAY TO
THROW YOUR CO-WORKERS UNDER THE
BUS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AFTER THE SHOW IS DONE, LOG ON
SLACK AND JUST PUT THIS IN
GENERAL.
GO @JIMMY AND JUST CLAP BACK AT
HIM.
NO, BECAUSE ALL MY SLACK
HEADS --
YOU KNOW WHERE GENERAL -
[ TALKING OVER EACH OTHER
>> Jimmy: BUT NO, WOULD YOU --
KIDS EAT IT ON GENERAL
NOT A PRIVATE THREAD GENERAL
THAT'S FULL NAS ETHER.
LIKE, OKAY
WE'RE DOING THIS
GENERAL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THEY TAG YOU
IT POPS UP
YOU'RE AT HOME WITH YOUR
FAMILY. AND YOU GO, "UH-OH."
STAFF IS CALLING ME OUT ON
GENERAL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: ON GENERAL
>> BECAUSE RANDOM IS A LITTLE
BIT LESS -- OKAY, IT'S RANDOM.
GENERAL IS WE WANT THE SMOKE
>> Jimmy: OKAY -
>> NOW THIS IS A CO-WORKER WITH
A BAND
LISTEN, YOU GOT TO DETERMINE
ARE THEY JUST A CO-WORKER OR A
A FRIEND
IF THEY'RE A CO-WORKER, LET
THEM LIVE THEIR DREAM.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT PEOPLE ARE
GOING THROUGH.
IF IT'S A FRIEND, A TRUE
FRIEND, YOU HAVE TO GO, "IS
THIS SOME SORT OF MID-LIFE
CRISIS."
>> Jimmy: IT IS, RIGHT
>> OKAY, YEAH --
>> Jimmy: YOU MIGHT HAVE TO BE
LIKE, "HEY, WHAT AM I NOT
GETTING.
>> YEAH, AND THEN, TAKE THE
DRUMSTICKS AND JUST BREAK THEM
[ LAUGHTER ]
LISTEN, MAN --
>> Jimmy: OR DO YOU GO, "IS
THIS THE GOAL?
LIKE, IS THIS FUN, IS THIS IT?
ARE WE HERE.
>> IF THAT IS WHAT IT IS, THEN
I THINK THE ALPHA MOVE JUST TO
CHECK THEM ON WHAT THEY'VE DONE
TO YOU AS A FRIEND IS GO,
"SURE, I'LL GO SEE YOUR BAND,
YOU COME TO MY IMPROV SHOW."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OKAY
[ TALKING OVER EACH OTHER
>> THAT'S YOUR CHECKMATE. >>
Jimmy: LET'S MAKE IT FAIR.
[ TALKING OVER EACH OTHER
TOTALLY, I WOULD TOTALLY LOVE
THIS
YOU GOT SO SEE MY THING THAT
I'M DOING THAT'S AWFUL
>> YEAH IT'S UCB 101, JUST
STARTED.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I GOT THREE NEW
CHARACTERS
>> I GOT THREE NEW CHARACTERS.
>> Jimmy: IT'S LONG.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: IT'S LIKE AN HOUR AND
A HALF
>> GOOD --
>> Jimmy: IT'S REAL.
YEAH, IT'S ALL IMPROV.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M
GOING TO DO.
>> RIGHT
>> Jimmy: IT'S MY DREAM TOO, I
LOVE IT.
OKAY, GOOD
I LIKE THAT.
ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT THIS ONE
HERE
"MY BOYFRIEND AND I FINALLY SET
A DATE TO GET MARRIED.
>> OKAY.
[ CHEERS ]
>> Jimmy: THEN THE PANDEMIC
PUSHED IT BACK
>> RIGHT
>> Jimmy: PICKED A NEW DATE --
>> OKAY.
>> Jimmy: THEN IT PUSHED IT
BACK AGAIN
NOW IT SEEMS LIKE HE DOESN'T
CARE IF WE GET MARRIED OR NOT
AND I'M QUESTIONING EVERYTHING
SHOULD I JUST CUT MY LOSSES AND
MOVE ON.
>> WAIT A SECOND
WAIT, WAIT
CUT MY LOSSES?
[ LAUGHTER ]
CUT MY LOSSES.
WHAT ARE YOU AT THE CRAPS TABLE
IN VEGAS
[ LAUGHTER ]
AH
HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO PUT ON
BRAD
I SHOULD CUT MY LOSSES ON BRAD
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU LOVE THIS PERSON
>> Jimmy: YOU LOVE THIS PERSON
>> CUT MY LOSSES
>> Jimmy: YEAH, IF YOU'RE
SAYING THAT --
>> YEAH, YOU CLEARLY DON'T LOVE
THIS PERSON.
THIS PERSON WANTS A WEDDING.
THEY DON'T WANT -- THEY DON'T
WANT A SPOUSE.
THEY DON'T WANT LOVE
THEY WANT THEIR DAY.
I HAD MY WEDDING AT THE HYATT
IN SACRAMENTO.
I'M JUST TELLING YOU THIS RIGHT
NOW.
WEDDINGS ARE OVERRATED
YOU GET DRESSED IN A RIDICULOUS
COSTUME.
EVERYBODY RESENTS YOU.
NOBODY LIKES YOU THERE
>> Jimmy: YEAH
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> THE FOOD IS AVERAGE AT BEST
>> Jimmy: YEAH
NO ONE WANTS TO DO THIS.
>> YEAH, I SAY THROW AWAY ALL
THE PAGEANTRY.
FORCE HIS HAND, ELOPE AND DO A
A ZOOM WEDDING, AND BE LIKE,
LET'S DO THIS RIGHT HERE, RIGHT
NOW, HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE ME."
>> Jimmy: WOW.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: WOW.
HOW ABOUT THAT
>> I HEARD SOMEONE GO OOH.
>> Jimmy: HOW ABOUT THAT FOR
ADVICE
YOU'RE GOOD AT THAT.
YOU'RE GOOD AT CHECK -
>> CAN I JUST SAY SOMETHING
ABOUT THIS WHOLE SEGMENT IN
GENERAL?
>> Jimmy: YEAH
>> I FEEL LIKE ALL THESE PEOPLE
HAVE PROBLEMS WITH HONESTY
THEY'RE JUST LIKE, "LOOK, I'M
A LIAR AND I CAN'T TELL THE
TRUTH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ISN'T IT
THE WHOLE THEME WAS JUST
DISHONEST WITH EACH OTHER.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, IT'S
INTERESTING.
BUT I LOVE THEY'RE SENDING ME
THESE PROBLEMS
>> RIGHT
>> Jimmy: AND THEY'RE LIKE,
"JIMMY, HOW DO I SOLVE THIS?
>> YEAH.
THEY'RE CLEARLY AT WITS END.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: DUDE, I LOVE YOU
HELPING ME OUT
COME ON, THAT'S WHAT I'M
TALKING ABOUT.
THIS IS A LIFE COACH THAT YOU
WANT
>> THANK YOU
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: HASAN MINHAJ,
EVERYBODY.
STICK AROUND
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
JAMES WOLK AND A PERFORMANCE
FROM MEEK MILL WITH
LIL UZI VERT
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
>> Jimmy: MY NEXT GUEST IS THE
STAR OF THE NEW NBC SERIES
"ORDINARY JOE.
THE SHOW PREMIERED EARLIER
TONIGHT, AND YOU CAN CATCH NEW
EPISODES EVERY MONDAY AT
10:00 P.M. HERE ON NBC
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE
WELCOME JAMES WOLK
♪ >> Jimmy: THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> Jimmy: YOU LOOK GREAT, BUD.
>> THANKS.
>> Jimmy: DO I CALL YOU JAMES
OR DO I CALL YOU JIMMY
>> JIMMY
>> Jimmy: I DO
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: YOU GO BY JIMMY.
>> I GO BY JIMMY
>> Jimmy: BUT PROFESSIONALLY
JAMES.
>> YEAH, I'M PROFESSIONALLY
JAMES, BUT EVERYONE CALLS ME
JIMMY.
ALL MY FRIENDS CALL ME JIMMY
>> Jimmy: OH, GOOD
>> I MADE THIS CRAZY DECISION
WHEN I WAS LIKE 22
THE FIRST BIG SHOW I DID AS AN
ACTOR, THE PRODUCER CAME UP TO
ME AND SHE WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW
WHAT?"
I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?
SHE WAS LIKE, "I THINK YOU
SHOULD GO BY JAMES."
I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.
EVERYONE CALLS ME JIMMY.
THAT MIGHT BE WEIRD AND
CONFUSING.
AND SHE GOES, "YEAH, BUT
JAMES STEWART IS WHAT
JIMMY STEWART WAS BILLED AS.
AND I SAID, "ALL RIGHT, WELL IF
IT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR
JIMMY STEWART, IT'S GOOD ENOUGH
FOR ME."
>> Jimmy: FOR JIMMY STEWART,
YEAH
>> AND SO THEN BECAME THE MOST
CONFUSING TEN YEARS OF MY LIFE
BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENED IS I'LL
GO ONTO A SET, AND THEY'LL GO,
"SO WHAT SHOULD WE CALL YOU?
AND I SAID, "WELL, CALL ME
JIMMY.
BUT I DON'T GET TO EVERYONE AT
THE SAME TIME.
SO, I'M TELLING CERTAIN PEOPLE
JIMMY.
CERTAIN PEOPLE JAMES
>> Jimmy: THEN PEOPLE THINK YOU
DON'T LIKE THEM.
>> PEOPLE THINK I'M NOT A NICE
PERSON
>> Jimmy: YEAH, THEY GO, "HEY,
WHAT'S THIS?
WHY CAN I -- I'M NOT IN THE
JIMMY CLUB."
>> YEAH, "WHY DOES HE GET TO
CALL HIM JIMMY, AND I HAVE TO
CALL HIM JAMES?"
>> Jimmy: YEAH, YOU ACTUALLY
HAVE THEM START SAYING YOUR
MIDDLE NAME AS WELL.
THAT'S REALLY RUDE
I GOT TO ASSUME YOU GET
RECOGNIZED A LOT
BECAUSE I KNOW YOU FROM A LOT
OF BIG THINGS -- "MAD MEN," YOU
WERE GREAT IN.
"WATCHMEN," "BILLIONS.
>> THANK YOU
>> Jimmy: DO YOU GET RECOGNIZED
A LOT?
>> YEAH -- I MEAN, IT'S LIKE --
NOT LIKE YOU
IT'S NOT -- YOU KNOW, THERE'S
NO -
>> Jimmy: "YO, JAMES!"
>> YEAH, RIGHT
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
I KIND OF GET LIKE THE LOOK,
LIKE, "IS THAT MY COUSIN
WHY DO I KNOW THAT GUY?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
OR LIKE, "WAS HE AT
THANKSGIVING
WAS HE AT MY AUNT'S
THANKSGIVING?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: WAS HE AT
THANKSGIVING
>> "WHY IS HE SMILING BACK AT
ME
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT GUY?"
BUT WHAT HAPPENS IS LIKE WE --
SO WE HAVE THESE NEIGHBORS WHO
ARE -- THEY'RE GREAT
THERE'S LIKE 13, 14 -- THERE'S
LIKE 20 OF THEM.
AND THEY'RE REALLY NICE.
AND THEY WALK OUR DOG.
AND DURING THE PANDEMIC THEY
WERE GREAT
THEY'D COME AND WALK THE DOG --
WE HAVE TWO SMALL KIDS AT HOME
AND WE DIDN'T WANT THE DOG TO
BE NEGLECTED
SO WE HAD THEM COME.
AND I ALWAYS NOTICED THEY'D
KIND OF LOOK AT ME
AND THEY KIND OF SMILE, AND I
GO, "OH, THEY DEFINITELY KNOW
MY WORK.
I TALK -- THEY MUST HAVE SEEN
WHATEVER SHOW IT WAS
AND THEN ONE DAY, ONE OF THE
GUYS COMES UP AND HE GOES, "WE
THOUGHT YOU WERE
JOHN KRASINSKI."
[ LAUGHTER ]
I WAS LIKE, "OKAY.
>> Jimmy: AT LEAST HE'S HONEST
I'LL TAKE THAT
>> "WE THOUGHT YOU WERE FAMOUS
WE THOUGHT YOU WERE
JOHN KRASINSKI."
>> Jimmy: I WOULD TAKE THAT.
WHY NOT MAN?
>> JOHN KRASINSKI -- YEAH.
>> Jimmy: HE'S A STUD.
>> YEAH, NEVER WALKED THE DOG
AGAIN.
THAT WAS IT.
HE WASN'T WELCOME BACK
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE NOT
JOHN KRASINSKI, YEAH
I WANT TO -- CAN WE TALK ABOUT
THE SHOW
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: "ORDINARY JOE.
I LIKE THE IDEA OF THIS,
BECAUSE -- THE IDEA IS KIND OF
LIKE, TO ME, LIKE THE MOVIE
"SLIDING DOORS."
LIKE, WHAT IF?
WHAT IF I MADE THIS DECISION
INSTEAD OF THIS DECISION IN MY
LIFE
WOULD MY LIFE CHANGE
YES, OF COURSE IT WOULD, BUT
ALSO THE LIVES AROUND YOU WOULD
CHANGE AS WELL
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: IS THAT KIND OF THE
IDEA
>> YEAH, SO THE SHOW IS,
BASICALLY, YOU MEET THE
CHARACTER WHO I PLAY, HIS NAME
IS JOE KIMBROUGH
YOU MEET HIM THE DAY HE'S ABOUT
TO GRADUATE FROM COLLEGE
AND YOU SEE THAT HE HAS THREE
VERY DIFFERENT CHOICES IN FRONT
OF HIM
AND THEN THE SHOW CUTS TO
BLACK, AND IT PICKS UP TEN
YEARS LATER, AND YOU FOLLOW THE
THREE DIFFERENT ITERATIONS OF
HIS LIFE
SO BASICALLY IT PLAYS WITH THIS
IDEA OF CHOICE, AND HOW THE
CHOICES WE MAKE DRASTICALLY
CHANGE WHO WE BECOME
AND IN EACH WORLD -- LIKE, IN
ONE WORLD HE'S MARRIED WITH
A KID.
IN ANOTHER WORLD, HE REMAINS
SINGLE, AND HE BECAME A NURSE
AT A HOSPITAL.
IN ANOTHER WORLD HE BECAME LIKE
A FAMOUS MUSICIAN BECAUSE HE
FOLLOWED HIS DREAMS OF MUSIC,
AND HE HAS -- HIM AND HIS WIFE
ARE TRYING TO CONCEIVE, AND
THEY'RE HAVING TROUBLE DOING
IT
>> Jimmy: SO IT WAS LIKE --
THIS IS GREAT FOR AN ACTOR
YOU MUST -- THAT'S A MEATY
ROLE
>> IT'S A CHALLENGE.
>> Jimmy: YOU CAN DO THREE --
YOU HAVE TO DO THREE
DIFFERENT --
>> YES
>> Jimmy: -- CHARACTERS IN ONE
EPISODE.
>> YES, WE WILL -- SOMETIMES WE
DO THREE CHARACTERS IN A DAY
LIKE, YOU'RE LITERALLY, IN THE
MORNING, YOU KNOW, WE'LL DO ONE
CHARACTER AND THEN TWO HOURS
OF, LIKE, A HAND-LAID BEARD.
IF YOU SAW THE SHOW TONIGHT, HE
WEARS -- LIKE, I HAVE A LONG
HAIR AND A BEARD IN ONE OF THE
ROLES, SO WE'LL DO THAT AT
LUNCH.
>> Jimmy: HOW FUN.
>> COME BACK AS A DIFFERENT
CHARACTER.
IT'S AWESOME
>> Jimmy: AND THEN YOU CAN TAKE
IT ANYWHERE.
WHO KNOWS WHERE THE SHOW CAN --
CAUSE YOU GO LIKE, "WHICH ONE
IS REAL?
>> RIGHT
>> Jimmy: COULD BE THE REAL --
I'M NOT WRITING FOR THE SHOW
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> Jimmy: JUST SAYING, YOU GO
LIKE, "HEY, THE ROCK STAR ONE
IS REAL.
THEN YOU GO, "NO, IT'S NOT
JUST KIDDING."
>> WELL, DO YOU HAVE THAT -- DO
YOU HAVE, LIKE, A MOMENT LIKE
THAT WHERE YOU LOOK BACK AND
YOU GO LIKE, "THAT WAS THE --
THAT WAS THE CROSSROADS WHERE,
LIKE, THAT DRASTICALLY
CHANGED --"?
>> Jimmy: YEAH, I THINK I DID
REACH THAT PART.
I THINK EVERYONE HAS THAT THING
WHERE YOU'RE LIKE, "I THINK I'M
GOING TO DO THIS," OR, "I'M
GOING TO DATE THIS PERSON, OR
NOT THIS PERSON.
>> TOTALLY
>> Jimmy: YOU MAKE THAT MOVE,
AND IT ALL CAN CHANGE.
I LOVE IT.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT
THIS
>> THANKS, MAN
>> Jimmy: I WANT TO SHOW
EVERYONE A CLIP.
HERE'S JAMES WOLK IN "ORDINARY
JOE.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
>> WOW, YOU LOOK FANCY >> JUST A TIE, BUD >> FANCIER THAN YOUR SCRUBS.
>> YEAH, A BIT
>> YOU TRYING TO IMPRESS
PEOPLE
>> NOT REALLY.
>> IS MOM GOING TO BE THERE?
>> YEAH.
IT'S HER REUNION TOO
THAT'S WHERE WE MET, IN
COLLEGE.
>> I HOPE YOU IMPRESS HER.
♪
>> Jimmy: JAMES WOLK,
EVERYBODY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
CHECK OUT NEW EPISODES OF
"ORDINARY JOE" MONDAY NIGHTS AT
10:00 P.M. HERE ON NBC
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A
A PERFORMANCE FROM MEEK MILL
WITH LIL UZI VERT.
STICK AROUND
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
>> Jimmy: PERFORMING "BLUE
NOTES 2" WITH LIL UZI VERT,
FROM HIS UPCOMING ALBUM,
"EXPENSIVE PAIN," GIVE IT UP
FOR MEEK MILL.
♪ >> I GO BY THE NAME OF MEEK MILLY, FRESH OUTTA
PHILADELPHIA
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THIS IS MY SONG "BLUE NOTES"
OFF MY NEW ALBUM, "EXPENSIVE
PAIN," DROPPING 10-1
MAKE SURE YOU GO GET THAT.
STARRING LIL UZI VERT, IN THE
BUILDING, YA HEARD
MAKE SOME NOISE FOR LIL UZI,
AGAIN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪ I'M NOT IN COMPETITIO
WITH MY HOMIES
I'M WHIPPIN' THE
COMPETITION AND THE ROLLIE ♪
♪ I KNOW MY OPPOSITIO
NEVER KNEW M
THEY WOULDN'T BE
OPPOSITION IF THEY KNOW ME ♪
♪ I MADE A PROPOSITIO
TO MY HITTER
I TOLD THEM TO KNOCK 'EM
DOWN IF YOU OWE ME ♪
♪ I JUST BEEN SLIDIN' 'ROUN
HITTIN' BUILDING
WE MOVIN' WITH GLOCK
POUNDS AND THEM 40S ♪
♪ THEM GOT SHOT DOW
WE WAS WHORIN'
MY HOMIE A OPP NOW
SO WE ON HIM ♪
♪ I WAS LIKE SIXTEE
WITH THE MAC ON ME
DEEP IN THE FIEL
LIKE IT'S POP WARNER ♪
♪ WEATHERED THE SCENE
CRACKED ON M
WHEN IT GOT REAL
TRIED TO SLIDE ON HIM ♪
♪ I MADE SOME M'S
SPLIT THE GUYS ON IT
WE KEEPIN' IT REAL NOT
AND MY HOMIE A SAVAGE ♪
♪ GOT PUT IN A CASKET
AND I'M MAD AT HIM
'CAUSE HE DIED ON US
JUST LEFT HIS VIEWING ♪
♪ AND I TOLD HIS MO
EVERY TIME THAT SHE CR
WE GON' SLIDE ON 'EM
I LOOK YOU RIGHT ♪
♪ DEAD IN THE EYE
AND I AIN'T SURPRISE
YOU AIN'T RIDE FOR U
HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF ♪
♪ YOU BUST A MIL' WITH SOME
AND THEY SWITC
SIDE ON YO
HOW WOULD YOU FEEL ♪
♪ WHEN YOU SO LIT THAT YO
CAN'T TELL I
THE LOVE REA
IF I CAN'T TELL YOU ♪
♪ NOTHIN' I'LL TELL YOU
HOW A THUG FEE
AND YOU AIN'T RICH
YOUR STASH CAN'T ♪
♪ PAY MY DRUG BIL
THIS EXPENSIVE PAI
PULLIN' AN EXPENSIVE RANGE
NECK GOT EXPENSIVE CHAIN ♪
♪ HE GOT DRUG MONEY
THAT'S EXPENSIVE GAM
I GOT EXPENSIVE SHOOTE
HE GOT EXPENSIVE AIM ♪
♪ YOU KNOW IT'S LIL UZI
THAT'S AN EXPENSIVE NAME
I'M GOIN' HARD AND
MY BACK TO THE WALL ♪
♪ I WAS LIKE JUST
PUMPIN' AND FAKIN'
THERE'S NO WAY
THEY MATCHIN' ME OFF ♪
♪ WHO REALLY GON' STICK M
AND WE GETTIN' BUS
WE SEEIN' RA
WHEN IT'S BOUGHT ♪
♪ I WON'T EVEN PRACTICE
I GO TRIPLE PLATINUM
AND THEY SAYIN' THAT
WAS A WASH YEAH ♪
♪ ICED OUT MY ROLLI
UP TO A RICHARD MILL
IN THE TRENCHES WITH
SOME YOUNG TRYNA TELL HIM ♪
♪ HOW THIS RICH REALLY FEEL
YOU AIN'T NEVE
BEEN IN THE FIEL
WITH THEM LATE NIGHTS ♪
♪ OFF BENADRY
WITH THEM GREAT WHITES
LOCKED IN A CELL
LIKE SHAWSHANK ♪
♪ NO REDEMPTION
I WAS RICHES
IN THE PRISO
I WAS STRAPPIN' UP ♪
♪ WHEN WASN'T RIDIN
I WAS THE RICHES
ON A MISSION
I WAS MOTIVATED ♪
♪ I WATCHIN' MOVES, YEA
I WAS THE BROKES
IN THE KITCHEN
I WAS CHASIN' A MILLION ♪
♪ WHEN THEY SAID I COULDN'T
I WAS HARD HEADE
I AIN'T LISTEN
KINDA GLAD THAT ♪
♪ I NEVER DID
NOW WE ALL MADE IT OUT
THE TRENCHES, YEAH
ALL OF MY MONEY IS NEW ♪
♪ ALL OF MY MONEY IS BLUE
RIDDLE ME THIS
I'M SUPPOSED TO GO GET THE
MONEY AND KEEP DOIN' ♪
♪ FAVORS AND GIVE ALL M
MONEY TO WHO
YOU KEEP TELLIN' M
KEEP TELLIN' YOU WHAT ♪
♪ WHY THEY BE RUNNIN' TO YO
WHY EVERY TIME TAL
BOUT ME AND IT'S BAD
THEY KEEP COMIN' TO YOU ♪
♪ I NEVER GOT THAT PART
WHY EVERY TIME SOMEBOD
GOT SOMETHING BAD TO
SAY ABOUT ME ♪
♪ THEY GO TO ONE OF M
FRIENDS AND THEN THE
COME BACK AND TELL ME ♪
♪ I NEVER GOT THAT PART
I'M TRYNA FIGURE IT OUT ♪
♪ HUNNIDS ON HUNNID
ON HUNNIDS ON HUNNID
MY HOMIE A OPP, BU
HE KNOW HOW I ROCK ♪
♪ SO YOU KNOW THAT I'M READ
HOWEVER HE COMIN
WE DONE WENT UP ON THESE
HITTAS LIKE SEVENTY-NOTHIN ♪
♪ THEY TALKIN' ABOUT BODIES
WE TALKIN' ABOUT MILLION
WE TALKIN' ABOUT MONEY
THEY TALKIN' ABOUT KILLIN ♪
♪ I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROO
SOON AS I WALK
IN THE BUILDIN
YOU KNOW HOW I'M LIVIN' ♪
♪ WALKIN' I'M TUCKIN' AND
PASSIN' THE GLIZZY
NO LOOK OUT, SISSY
YOU KNOW I AIN'T SLIPPIN' ♪
♪ COME TO YOUR TRENCHES
JUST ME AND LIKE ONE
OF MY SAVAGE
YOU KNOW I AIN'T TRIPPIN' ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET EXTORTE
I'M BALLIN' LIKE JORDA
WE SLIDIN' WITH TORCHE
WE TOTIN' AND PIMPIN' ♪
♪ I JUST BE LAUGHIN
TO THE BAN
I DONE PULLED UP WITH TH
PRESIDENTIAL ON MY WRIST ♪
♪ AND THIS HIT LIKE HILLARY
I WAS JUST IN TH
KITCHEN WHIPPIN' HANNA
MONTANA LIKE MY NAME ♪
♪ WAS BILLY RAY
AND I BET THAT I HAVE ME
A HUNNID MILLION DOLLARS
ON 'FORE I BE TWENTY-EIGHT ♪
♪ LOVE HER BACK WHE
WASN'T LOVIN' ME
TWENTY-THOUSAND AT BES
SHE AIN'T DUBBIN' ME ♪
♪ I'M ON POINT AIN'T NO
OUT HERE RUNNIN' M
LAMBORGHINI, THE SAM
COLOR BUMBLEBEE ♪
♪ PULL UP CULLINA
SAME COLOR, BUTTER SEATS
IN THE GAME, AIN'T N
YOUNG TOUCHIN' ME ♪
♪ YEAH, SHE KNOW THAT I'M
AND SHE KNOW THAT I'M RICH
EVERY TIME THAT
NOT ON ME ♪
>> JIMMY FALLON.
MAKE SOME NOISE FOR
LIL UZI VERT IN THE BUILDING
I GO BY THE NAME OF MEEK MILL.
ONCE AGAIN, MAKE SURE YOU GET
MY NEW ALBUM "EXPENSIVE PAIN,"
OCTOBER 1st.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
IT'S GOING DOWN.
SHOUT OUT TO ATLANTIC RECORDS.
SHOUT OUT TO ROC NATION.
GREAT CHASIN' 1600 UZI GANG IN
THE BUILDING
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: MEEK MILL,
LIL UZI VERT
"EXPENSIVE PAIN" IS OUT
OCTOBER 1st.
MY THANKS TO HASAN MINHAJ,
JAMES WOLK, MEEK MILL,
LIL UZI VERT AND THE ROOTS
RIGHT THERE FROM PHILADELPHIA,
PENNSYLVANIA
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THANK YOU FOR WATCHING
STAY TUNED FOR "LATE NIGHT WITH
SETH MEYERS.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.