>> Steve: FROM STUDIO 6B IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER IN THE HEART
OF NEW YORK CITY, IT'S "THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON."
TONIGHT, JOIN JIMMY AND HIS GUESTS - ANDREW GARFIELD.
PATTON OSWALT. A PERFORMANCE FROM "LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS."
AND FEATURING THE LEGENDARY ROOTS CREW >> Questlove: 1513
>> Steve: AND NOW, HERE HE IS, JIMMY FALLON
* * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: OH, WELCOME. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THERE YOU GO
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. WELCOME EVERYBODY, PLEASE. WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME TO
"THE TONIGHT SHOW. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THANK YOU FOR WATCHING
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE WELL GUYS, TODAY, A GROUP OF LEADING U.S. AND INTERNATIONAL
SCIENTISTS ANNOUNCED NEW DATA THAT SHOWS COVID BOOSTER SHOTS ARE NOT APPROPRIATE AT THIS
TIME [ AUDIENCE OHS ] AND THEN SCIENTISTS SAW
100 SOLD OUT FOOTBALL STADIUMS THIS WEEKEND, AND WERE LIKE, "HOLD THAT THOUGHT
HOLD ON A SECOND." [ LAUGHTER ] YEP, THEY SAID THEY'RE
ABSOLUTELY SURE OF THEIR FINDINGS, AND LOOK FORWARD TO CHANGING THEM NEXT WEEK.
[ LAUGHTER ] IT SEEMS LIKE THESE SCIENTISTS CAN'T MAKE UP THEIR MIND
I SAY WE JUST SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE, AND JUST START MICRODOSING PFIZER
[ LAUGHTER ] MEANWHILE, AS IF THE DELTA VARIANT ISN'T CAUSING ENOUGH
PROBLEMS, APPARENTLY IT'S NOW LED TO A SHORTAGE OF PRINTING PAPER.
OOHS THIS IS A BIG DEAL. IF THIS IS TRUE, MY DAD WILL HAVE NO WAY TO PRINT OUT HIS
EMAILS [ LAUGHTER ] "HOLD ON A SECOND, JIMMY
LET ME READ WHAT YOU WROTE HOLD ON A SECOND." THE PAPER SHORTAGE IS SO BAD,
BOOK SELLERS ARE WORRIED THERE MIGHT NOT BE ENOUGH PAPER TO PRINT BOOKS.
[ AUDIENCE GROANS SEE, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN ONE OUT OF THREE PEOPLE WRITE
A TRUMP TELL-ALL THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING EVERYONE'S GOT TO STOP WITH THE
TELL-ALL [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE WELL, THIS IS FUN.
AHEAD OF THE NEWEST "JAMES BOND" FILM, ONE COMPANY IS LOOKING TO HIRE SOMEONE TO BE
AN OFFICIAL MARTINI TESTER [ CHEERS ] THAT SOUNDS LIKE A JOB A
A CONTESTANT ON "THE BACHELORETTE" WOULD HAVE "HI, MY NAME IS TODD V
I'M AN OFFICIAL MARTINI TESTER." [ LAUGHTER ]
THIS WASN'T GOOD YESTERDAY, AT THE WASHINGTON FOOTBALL TEAM'S SEASON
OPENER -- THAT'S THE NAME. THEY'RE STICKING WITH THAT NAME
THE WASHINGTON FOOTBALL TEAM, YEP. AT THE WASHINGTON FOOTBALL
TEAM'S SEASON OPENER, A PIPE AT THE STADIUM BURST OVER A GROUP OF FANS.
AND SOME PEOPLE SAID IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN SEWAGE [ AUDIENCE OHS ]
I DON'T KNOW TAKE A LOOK.
>> THAT'S SEWAGE >> THAT'S SEWAGE >> Jimmy: WELL, THAT'S A GOOD
OMEN FOR THE SEASON, YOU KNOW? [ LAUGHTER ] WASHINGTON IS STILL LOOKING FOR
A TEAM NAME, AND IT'S TOO BAD THE BROWNS ARE ALREADY TAKEN [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Steve: HEY! OH, OH OH, HEY!
>> Jimmy: BUT THE FANS, THE FANS EMBRACED IT ALL DAY LONG. THEY WERE CHANTING, "WE'RE
NUMBER ONE AND NUMBER TWO! [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE THIS IS INTERESTING.
I READ THAT EMOJIS MAY BE THE NEW WAY PATIENTS COMMUNICATE WITH THEIR DOCTOR.
I DON'T KNOW DO YOU REALLY WANT TO RECEIVE BAD NEWS FROM YOUR DOCTOR BY
GETTING THE THUMBS DOWN EMOJI? [ LAUGHTER ] SOUNDS A LITTLE STRANGE, BUT
INSTEAD OF HAVING TO EXPLAIN SOMETHING EMBARRASSING, YOU CAN JUST SEND THIS
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE >> Steve: OW >> Jimmy: WELL, GET THIS
A TEAM OF SCIENTISTS ARE POTTY TRAINING COWS IN AN EFFORT TO REDUCE THE EMISSIONS CAUSED BY
THEIR WASTE. WHICH MEANS STORES ARE GOING TO START CHARGING EXTRA FOR GRASS
FED, FREE RANGE, POTTY TRAINED BEEF [ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT A JOB EVERY NIGHT THE SCIENTISTS COME HOME SMELLING LIKE THEY JUST
LEFT THE WASHINGTON FOOTBALL TEAM'S STADIUM [ LAUGHTER ]
AND, FINALLY, LAST NIGHT JON STEWART AND PETE DAVIDSON PUT ON A BIG BENEFIT SHOW AT
MADISON SQUARE GARDEN CALLED "NYC STILL RISING AFTER 20 YEARS."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE GOOD FOR THEM. IT WAS GREAT
I WAS THERE, AND I WROTE A SONG FOR IT AND I'D LIKE TO PLAY IT FOR YOU
RIGHT NOW IF YOU DON'T MIND. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: THANK YOU.
MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, HOW YOU GUYS DOING [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: MY NAME IS JIMMY FALLON I'M A NEW YORKER, AND I'VE GOT
A LITTLE SONG FOR YOU. * * I DON'T CARE IF YOU'R
MODERNA OR PFIZE JOHNSON AND JOHNSON OR HORSE TRANQUILIZER *
* I KNO NEW YORK'S COMING BACK * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* WE GOT THE RANGERS YANKEE METS, KNICKS AND NET WE CHEER FOR THE GIANT
AND WE PRAY FOR THE JETS * * I KNO NEW YORK'S COMING BACK *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * WE'RE ALREADY COMPLAINING * ABOUT THE COL
WE ALL HATE BILL DE BLASIO AND I KNOW * * NEW YORK'S COMING BACK *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * WE GOT THE NYPD AND THE FDNY *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * WHEN I TRIED OUT THEY SAI YOU SEEM MORE LIKE
A POST OFFICE GUY * [ LAUGHTER ] * I KNO
NEW YORK'S COMING BACK * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * ALL THE TOURISTS HAVE
RETURNED DOING WHAT THEY DO WALKING SLOWLY DOWN *
* THE SIDEWAL RIGHT IN FRONT OF YO EVEN THOUGH SOME *
* OF THE SEATS ARE WE THE SUBWAY IS STILL PACKED AND I KNOW NEW YORK CITY'S
COMING BACK * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * NEW YORK IS BAC
YOU CAN'T KEEP US DOWN * * YOU CAN TRAVEL THE WORL BUT THERE'S NO PLACE
LIKE THIS TOWN * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * OH, I KNOW NEW YORK
CITY'S BAC I KNOW NEW YOR CITY'S COMING BACK *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: I LOVE YOU NEW YORK! WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW
GIVE IT UP FOR THE ROOTS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
* [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYBODY.
IT IS -- IT IS MONDAY. WE'RE EXCITED TO BE BACK WE'VE GOT A BIG WEEK OF SHOWS
AHEAD. KENDALL JENNER WILL BE HERE. >> Steve: OH
>> Jimmy: BEN PLATT WILL BE HERE JENNIFER ANISTON WILL ALL BE
JOINING US [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE BIG WEEK
BUT FIRST, WHAT A SHOW WE HAVE FOR YOU TONIGHT. HE STARS IN THE NEW MOVIE "THE
EYES OF TAMMY FAYE" WHICH IS IN THEATERS THIS FRIDAY ANDREW GARFIELD IS HERE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE PLUS, YOU CAN SEE HIM ON THE SERIES "A.P. BIO" ON PEACOCK
AND ON HIS NEW STANDUP TOUR, "PATTON OSWALT LIVE: WHO'S READY TO LAUGH."
ONE OF MY FAVORITES. PATTON OSWALT IS HERE TONIGHT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
FUNNY, FUNNY MAN AND THIS IS A BIG WEEK FOR US IN OUR SHOW.
IT IS BROADWAY WEEK HERE AT "THE TONIGHT SHOW. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
WE ARE CELEBRATING THE RETURN OF BROADWAY WITH LIVE IN STUDIO PERFORMANCES FROM SOME OF
BROADWAY'S BIGGEST SHOWS ALL WEEK LONG. WE'RE KICKING THINGS OFF
TONIGHT WITH AN UNBELIEVABLE -- GET READY. YOU THINK YOU MISS SOMETHING,
AND THEN YOU JUST SEE IT AND IT'S LIKE, EVERYONE WAS JUST TRYING NOT TO BE
EMOTIONAL. THIS IS AMAZING -- BUT YEAH. IT'S JUST THE GREATEST
AND HOW TALENTED THESE PEOPLE ARE. AND GOD, I REALLY MISS
BROADWAY TONIGHT TO KICK OFF, WE HAVE A A PERFORMANCE FROM "LITTLE SHOP
OF HORRORS." [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Steve: OH
* LITTLE SHOP LITTLE SHOPPA HORROR LITTLE SHOPPA HORROR
OH, OH, OH, OH, OH* [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE BIG SHOW
BIG WEEK GUYS, IT'S TIME FOR "GOOD NAME, BAD NAME, GREAT NAME."
HERE WE GO
* GOOD NAME, BAD NAME
GREAT NAME YES * >> Jimmy: FIRST UP WE HAVE -- I
LOVE THAT THEME. * * GOOD NAME, BAD NAME
GREAT NAME YES * >> Jimmy: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[ APPLAUSE ] FIRST WE HAVE "ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING."
THAT'S A GOOD NAME FOR A SHOW ON HULU. THAT'S A BAD NAME FOR A ZILLOW
LISTING. A GREAT NAME FOR RED LOBSTER [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
NEXT THERE IS "PAPER SOURCE. THAT'S A GOOD NAME FOR A STORE THAT SELLS STATIONERY.
BAD NAME FOR A FOREST. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE *
* GOOD NAME, BAD NAME GREAT NAME YES *
>> Jimmy: DIDN'T GET TO THE PUNCH LINE YET >> Steve: WELL, YOU GOT TO GET
IT COME ON. PAPER SHORTAGE
>> Jimmy: GREAT NAME FOR A CVS RECEIPT PRINTER. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ALL I BOUGHT WAS A PACK OF GUM >> Steve: I DON'T HAVE A CARD.
>> Jimmy: I DON'T HAVE A CARD. GOSH, I REALLY DON'T HAVE ONE. BELIEVE ME
I WOULDN'T LIE TO YOU. AFTER THAT WE HAVE "LET THERE BE CARNAGE."
>> Steve: OOH. >> Jimmy: THAT'S A GOOD NAME FOR A "VENOM" SEQUEL
A BAD NAME FOR A ZOO [ LAUGHTER ] IT'S A GREAT NAME FOR TJ MAXX.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "I GOT IT. GIVE ME THAT!"
AFTER THAT WE HAVE "MACHINE GUN KELLY." WELL, THAT'S A GOOD NAME FOR A
A RAPPER IT'S A BAD NAME FOR A NEW BARBIE DOLL.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Steve: MACHINE GUN KELLY. >> Jimmy: IT'S A GREAT NAME FOR
KELLY CLARKSON'S CALL OF DUTY SCREEN NAME. THERE YOU GO
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE AFTER THAT, WE HAVE "THE LEGEND OF THE TEN RINGS."
[ CHEERS ] WELL, THAT IS A GOOD NAME FOR A MARVEL MOVIE
IT'S A BAD NAME FOR YOUR BATHTUB. IT'S A GREAT NAME FOR
TOM BRADY'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY. THERE YOU HAVE IT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
NEXT UP, THERE IS "CRY MACHO." THAT'S A GOOD NAME FOR A A CLINT EASTWOOD MOVIE
BAD NAME FOR A WWE WRESTLER. A GREAT NAME FOR GHOST PEPPER HOT SAUCE.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "IT'S SO GOOD. I WOULD LIKE ANOTHER HOT WING.
NEXT, THERE IS "BACK FOR BLOOD. THAT'S A GOOD NAME FOR A VIDEO
GAME IT'S A BAD NAME FOR THE RED CROSS.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Steve: WHAT WOW.
>> Jimmy: IT'S A GREAT NAME FOR A VAMPIRE BOY BAND THERE YOU GO
[ APPLAUSE ] >> Steve: BACK FOR BLOOD FANGS.
* BACK FOR BLOO SOMEWHERE IN THE NIGHT * FINALLY, WE HAVE "TRUTH BE
TOLD." WELL, THAT'S A GOOD NAME FOR AN APPLE TV PLUS SHOW
BAD NAME FOR BATHROOM SCALES IT'S A GREAT NAME FOR TEQUILA! >> Steve: YEAH
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: THAT'S "GOOD NAME, BAD NAME, GREAT NAME."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH "SCREEN GRABS. COME ON BACK, EVERYBODY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK TO "THE
TONIGHT SHOW." IT IS TIME FOR "SCREEN GRABS." HERE WE GO
* * MAKES ME WANT
A SCREEN GRAB * [ APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: NOW, THESE ARE SOME
WEIRD, FUNNY THINGS THAT YOU GUYS FOUND ON THE INTERNET OR TOOK A PICTURE OF IN REAL LIFE
AND SENT IT IN TO US AND, YEAH, WE CALL THEM "SCREEN GRABS.
HERE WE GO THE FIRST SCREEN GRAB WAS SENT IN BY SEBASTIAN DENBORE IN
ONTARIO, CANADA. HEY, WE LOVE YOU, CANADA THANKS FOR WATCHING.
HE KEPT TRYING TO LOG INTO HIS PHONE BUT COULDN'T REMEMBER THE PASSWORD
AND THEN, THIS HAPPENED. iPHONE IS DISABLED, TRY AGAIN IN 23,743,654 MINUTES.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND LOOK, HE ONLY HAS 5 PERCENT BATTERY LEFT
[ LAUGHTER ] THAT GUY'S GOT IT TOUGH THERE. YEAH, THAT'S ROUGH
I DON'T THINK IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN >> Steve: NO, I DON'T THINK
ANYTHING'S GOING TO HAPPEN >> Jimmy: I DON'T THINK IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.
THIS NEXT ONE WAS SENT IN BY JAMIE LEET IN SAN DIEGO. HE WAS USING FACEBOOK AND
SPOTTED THIS AD FROM TARGET. GET READY FOR YOUR FIRST DAY WITH COLLEGE MUST-HAVES, LIKE
A HIGH SPEED BILL COUNTER. [ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ]
>> Steve: DRUG DEALER COLLEGE? [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: I DON'T KNOW, IT'S
LIKE "BREAKING BAD." MINI FRIDGE. GOT IT
HOT PLATE. GOT IT BILL COUNTER
[ LAUGHTER ] SOMETHING TO BURN MY FINGERPRINTS OFF SO MY
FINGERPRINTS AREN'T ON THE BILLS. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
THIS NEXT SCREEN GRAB WAS SENT IN BY DENISE JENKS IN OMAHA, NEBRASKA
SHE WAS WATCHING "THE TODAY SHOW'S" COVERAGE OF HURRICANE IDA.
LET'S SEE WHAT SHE SAW IT SAYS, HURRICANE IDA SETTING NEW RECORDS, FIFTH STRONGEST
LANDFALL, RAPID INTENSIFICATION, 24 HOURS. AND THEN, IT SAYS, SOME OTHER
STAT [ LAUGHTER ] >> Steve: WHATEVER
>> Jimmy: WHATEVER YOU DO THE MATH. LEAVE ME ALONE
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, EVERYTHING >> Steve: COME ON.
>> Jimmy: SOME OTHER STAT TOO. NEXT SCREEN GRAB WAS SENT IN BY COURTNEY BERRYMAN IN TENNESSEE
SHE WAS SHOPPING ON AMAZON FOR A SMALL PLAYPEN TO PUT HER DOG, OKAY
BUT THEN, SHE FOUND THIS AD FOR WHY TO GET A PLAYPEN FOR YOUR DOG.
VERY INTERESTING IT SAYS, WHY DO YOU NEED A PET PLAYPEN.
AND IF YOU ZOOM IN IT SAYS, "PET GNAWING ON WALL? THEN IT SAYS, "EAT A MUD."
[ LAUGHTER ] "BITE FURNITURE. IT SAYS, "SWALLOW DEAD PERSON.
[ LAUGHTER ] NO ONE'S DOUBLE CHECKING THESE >> Steve: YEAH, COME ON.
>> Jimmy: PEOPLE HAVE LOST THEIR MINDS. >> Steve: YEAH
>> Jimmy: NO ONE IS DOUBLE CHECKING THOSE >> Steve: I KNOW, NOT CHECKING
>> Jimmy: WHAT'S THAT? LOOKS GOOD TO ME I'VE GOT TO RUN "THE TODAY
SHOW." I'VE GOT TO RUN "THE TODAY SHOW" STAT
COME ON. >> Steve: EAT OTHER DEAD PERSON
WHAT >> Jimmy: SWALLOW A DEAD PERSON
>> Steve: SWALLOW DEAD PERSON. >> Jimmy: THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED TO PUT YOUR PET IN THE PLAYPEN
>> Steve: YOU DON'T WANT IT THAT TO HAPPEN >> Jimmy: NO
WELL THE NEXT SCREEN GRAB WAS SENT IN BY SHERI KUSS IN SPRING CITY, PENNSYLVANIA
SHE WAS SEARCHING FOR A -- [ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ] THERE IS ONE PERSON FROM SPRING
CITY, PENNSYLVANIA [ LAUGHTER ] SHE WAS SEARCHING FOR A PLACE
TO BRING HER KIDS GOLFING. >> Steve: OKAY >> Jimmy: SO THERE IS WHAT SHE
FOUND. GOLF CAMP FOR KIDS AND TEENS DOWN HERE IT SAYS, "YOU CAN
BRING BEER AND WINE. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE YOU CAN BRING BEER AND WINE.
>> Steve: YEAH WHATEVS. >> Jimmy: FOR KIDS, TEENS,
YEAH, WHATEVER >> Steve: KIDS CAN HAVE THE BEER
TEENS HAVE THE WINE. >> Jimmy: KIDS DRIVE YOU THERE, TEENS DRIVE YOU HOME
>> Steve: YEAH >> Jimmy: THIS NEXT SCREEN GRAB WAS SENT IN BY CHRIS GRINDROD
IN OHIO. HE WAS SCROLLING THROUGH - [ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]
>> Steve: WELL, THERE YOU GO >> Jimmy: THAT'S ACTUALLY CHRIS.
HE'S HERE. CHRIS IS HERE TONIGHT. WELCOME CHRIS.
[ APPLAUSE ] >> Steve: GOD BLESS HIM. >> Jimmy: CHRIS, YOU WERE
SCROLLING THROUGH FACEBOOK AND CAME ACROSS A QUESTION POSTED ABOUT A LOCAL BUSINESS
THIS IS A GOOD QUESTION HERE VERNON FUNERAL HOME. >> Steve: OKAY
>> Jimmy: IT SAYS HERE, DOES THIS PLACE OFFER CURBSIDE PICKUP
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU GET ONE OF THOSE PET THINGS
>> Steve: YEAH, AND THEN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IT [ LAUGHTER ]
CAN YOU HURRY UP >> Jimmy: YEAH HOW MANY PETS DO YOU GOT
>> Steve: YEAH SWALLOW THAT DEAD PERSON >> Jimmy: NEXT SCREEN GRAB WAS
SENT IN BY YANIS KONOPKA IN GERMANY. >> Steve: OHH.
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU FOR WATCHING US OVER IN GERMANY, YEAH
>> Steve: THERE YOU GO, YANIS. >> Jimmy: I FELT LIKE YOU WERE MORE OF A FAN OF GERMANY AS
OPPOSED TO ACTUALLY BEING GERMAN ARE YOU FROM GERMANY
>> YES >> Jimmy: YOU ARE? WHAT PART?
>> BAVARIA >> Jimmy: HEY! BAVARIA!
* >> Steve: MUNICH, MUNICH, MUNICH, MUNICH
MUNICH, MUNICH, MUNICH, MUNICH OKTOBERFEST. [ AIR HORN ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH >> Steve: THAT IS GOOD [ LAUGHTER ]
YA >> Jimmy: DA ROOTS >> Steve: DA ROOTS, YA
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: GET THIS, HE'S TRYING TO FIND AN ITALIAN PLACE
>> Steve: OKAY, HERE WE GO [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: IN GERMANY
>> Steve: YEAH >> Jimmy: WHY NOT? THEY'VE GOT GERMAN FOOD ALL
OVER THE PLACE HE WANTED TO FIND AN ITALIAN PLACE.
THIS ONE'S GOT PRETTY DECENT REVIEWS. RESTAURANT -- WELL, WE WON'T
SAY THE NAME WE'LL BLEEP IT OUT BUT PIZZERIA SOMETHING, YEAH
AND HERE'S THE HIGHLIGHTS OF THE MENU UNDERNEATH. IT SAYS PANNA COTTA AND
CARBONATED WATER THE HIGHLIGHTS I LOVE THIS RESTAURANT
[ LAUGHTER ] I LOVE THIS PLACE. >> Steve: WHAT DO YOU LOVE
ABOUT IT >> Jimmy: WHAT >> Steve: WHAT DO YOU LOVE
ABOUT IT >> Jimmy: THE PIZZERIA THE PIZZERIA
>> Steve: YEAH >> Jimmy: ARE YOU KIDDING ME >> Steve: THE PANNA COTTA?
>> Jimmy: YEAH, OF COURSE. >> Steve: WHAT ELSE? >> Jimmy: THEY HAVE THIS WATER
[ LAUGHTER ] I CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU. YOU HAVE TO TRY IT FOR
YOURSELF I ACTUALLY HAVEN'T HAD THE PIZZA.
[ LAUGHTER ] I GO THERE FOR THE WATER [ LAUGHTER ]
WE'RE DOWN TO OUR LAST ONE IT WAS SENT IN BY GAVIN LEG IN TORONTO, CANADA.
HE WAS SCROLLING THROUGH INSTAGRAM, AND HE CAME ACROSS A PHOTO OF A SWEDISH METAL BAND
FROM THE '80s CALLED KINGPIN AND HE THOUGHT ONE OF THE GUYS IN THE BAND LOOKED LIKE ME
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I DON'T KNOW
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
"SCREEN GRABS.
IF YOU HAVE A FUNNY SCREEN GRAB, EMAIL IT TO US AT SCREENGRABS@TONIGHTSHOW.COM.
WE MIGHT PUT IT ON THE SHOW. STICK AROUND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
ANDREW GARFIELD. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
>> Jimmy: OUR FIRST GUEST IS A A TONY-WINNING AND OSCAR-NOMINATED ACTOR, WHO
STARS IN THE NEW MOVIE, "THE EYES OF TAMMY FAYE." YOU GUYS HAVE TO SEE THIS.
IT'S AMAZING IT IS IN THEATERS THIS FRIDAY. PLEASE WELCOME ANDREW GARFIELD,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
*
>> Jimmy: THAT'S MY MAN. THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, BUDDY.
YES. OH, MY GOSH. YOU ARE GREAT IN THIS MOVIE,
BUDDY. I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU
HOW ARE YOU DOING? >> IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU TOO. I'M VERY, VERY HAPPY TO BE
HERE BUT, TRULY WISH I COULD BE THERE IN PERSON.
I'M IN CALGARY, A LITTLE BIT STUCK HERE DOING A SHOW. BUT LOVELY TO BE ABLE TO TALK
TO YOU HOW ARE YOU? >> Jimmy: I'M GOOD
I APPRECIATE YOU COMING ON THE SHOW, AS WE ALL DO YEAH -
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE WAIT TILL YOU SEE, WE HAVE AN AUDIENCE
WE'RE COMING BACK, BUDDY ANYWAYS, A SEAT'S ALWAYS OPEN -
>> I FEEL IT >> Jimmy: A SEAT'S ALWAYS OPEN FOR YOU.
WE HAVE -- IT'S BROADWAY WEEK, HERE, ON OUR SHOW. AND --
>> WOO >> Jimmy: YEAH WE ARE HONORING -- YEAH, A
A BUNCH OF AMAZING BROADWAY SHOWS. AND YOU ARE A TONY-WINNER.
I -- ABSOLUTELY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE YOU KNOW THE STAGE PRETTY WELL
YOU KNOW ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN LIVE THEATER DID ANYTHING EVER HAPPEN TO YOU
DURING A LIVE PERFORMANCE, WHERE THERE WAS A MESS UP WHERE YOU WERE LIKE, "OH, THIS IS
GOING TO BE TOUGH TO WORK THROUGH" [ LAUGHTER ]
>> MY -- MY BUTT WAS FACING THE AUDIENCE FOR A PROLONGED PERIOD OF TIME DURING "ANGELS IN
AMERICA. IT WAS -- WE'RE IN -- I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIGHT WITH AN
ANGEL. AND, IF YOU KNOW THE SHOW, THAT MAKES SENSE.
>> Jimmy: YEAH >> IF YOU DON'T, IT'S GOING TO SOUND ODD.
BUT, I'M IN, LIKE, A HOSPITAL, KIND OF, GARMENT, AND I'M ABOUT TO BE HOISTED UP ON A HARNESS
WITH THIS ANGEL INTO THE RAFTERS. AND ME AND THE ANGEL ARE
WRESTLING. I'VE GOT MY ARMS AROUND HER WAIST, AND WE'RE, KIND OF LIKE
PRETENDING THAT WE'RE GOING TO WRESTLE. AND THEN WE GIVE THE -- THE
GUYS IN THE -- IN THE WINGS THE GO AHEAD, LIKE, "WE'RE READY TO GO."
I'VE GOT MY HANDS IN THE LOOPS, AND READY TO GO UP AND WE GIVE THEM THE SIGN, AND
LIKE IT FEELS LIKE 8 -- LIKE, 89 MINUTES PASSES AND WE'RE JUST LIKE PRETENDING TO
WRESTLE. AND LIKE, WHY AREN'T WE GOING INTO THE AIR
>> Jimmy: AND YOUR -- YOUR -- YOUR BUTT IS FACING THE AUDIENCE
>> MY BUTT IS FULLY JUST -- JUST GIVING FULL FACE TO THE CROWD.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: OH, YEAH OH, YEAH
SO, YOU'RE PRETENDING TO STRUGGLE FIGHT, BUT NOTHING'S HAPPENING?
>> YEAH. [ LAUGHTER ] AND NOTHING'S HAPPENING.
AND MY -- MY PANCAKE ASS IS JUST, LIKE, ON FULL DISPLAY. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND -- AND THE GUYS IN THE WINGS -- THE GUYS IN THE WINGS ARE LIKE, IT'S JUST NOT -- I
DON'T KNOW HOW -- IT'S JUST NOT WORKING. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND WE'RE LIKE -- SO, I WAS LIKE WHAT DO WE DO DO WE JUST KEEP WRESTLING WITH
MY BUTT FACING EVERYBODY [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] AND I -- I GUESS THAT'S WHAT WE
DID. UNTIL -- AND THIS IS WHERE IT GETS REALLY AWKWARD.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] THE STAGE -- THE STAGE MANAGER WALKS OUT UNDER THIS REALLY
DRAMATIC MUSIC THAT'S HAPPENING, WITH A MICROPHONE AND HE'S LIKE, "UM --" IT'S
A BRITISH GUY. HE'S LIKE, "UM, SO SORRY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BUT WE'RE
HAVING SOME TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE
A PAUSE. AND MEANWHILE, LIKE, ME AND THIS ACTRESS, MANDY, WERE JUST
LIKE STILL WRESTLING [ LAUGHTER ] AND HE STOOD RIGHT NEXT TO US.
AND THEN THE CURTAIN COMES DOWN IN FRONT OF MY ASS [ LAUGHTER ]
AND THEN, LIKE, LITERALLY, LIKE, I'M LIKE -- I'M LIKE, "WHAT DO WE DO
HOW DO WE -- HOW DO WE KEEP THIS -- LIKE, WHEN WE FIGURE OUT THIS TECHNICAL THING, HOW
DO WE START THE SHOW AGAIN?" AND I WAS LIKE, "I'VE GOT AN IDEA
LET ME PUT MY ASS TO THE AUDIENCE AND, AS SOON AS THE CURTAIN
COMES UP, JUST SEND ME UP ON THE GOD DAMN ROOF. [ LAUGHTER ]
LIKE, WE PICKED UP EXACTLY WHERE WE LEFT OFF. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: THAT'S THE BEST, DUDE WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO
>> WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO? >> Jimmy: WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO I HAVE -- I HAVE A COUPLE OF
QUESTIONS. FIRST OF ALL, YOU LOOK LIKE A STUD ON THE COVER OF
"VARIETY," HERE. HEY, NOT TOO SHABBY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
I WANT TO -- THERE'S A PHOTO GOING AROUND ON THE INTERNET OF YOU AND TOBEY MAGUIRE ON THE
SET OF "SPIDER-MAN," YEAH, THE NEW "SPIDER-MAN," MOVIE, AND -- AND I WAS LIKE, "WOW
>> I'M NOT SURE ABOUT THAT >> Jimmy: WE ARE [ AUDIENCE OOHS
WE'RE PRETTY SURE. WE'RE PRETTY SURE ABOUT IT SO, WE KNOW WHAT'S UP.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S UP? ARE -- [ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT I'M TELLING YOU IS, YOU'RE GOING TO BE -- YOU'RE IN THE NEW "SPIDER-MAN: NO WAY HOME."
CONGRATULATIONS. >> WAIT, WHAT? >> Jimmy: YES!
CONGRATULATIONS. YOU'RE GOING TO BE IN IT YEAH
THAT'S EXCITING, RIGHT >> I HAD NO IDEA [ LAUGHTER ]
LIKE, IF - >> Jimmy: HAVE YOU SEEN THE PHOTO?
>> WHAT -- WHAT -- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH, YOU WOULDN'T SEE THE PHOTO, BECAUSE YOU'RE IN THE PHOTO
>> NO, YEAH, IT'S NOT POSSIBLE TO SEE A PHOTO THAT YOU'RE IN. >> Jimmy: THAT'S CORRECT
[ LAUGHTER ] >> NO, I -- I -- NO, I - >> Jimmy: I'M THE WORSE
DETECTIVE EVER [ LAUGHTER ] "HOW COULD YOU BE IN THIS IF
YOU'RE THERE?" [ LAUGHTER ] "AH, IT'S A PHOTO.
[ LAUGHTER ] I AM THE WORST DETECTIVE >> WELL, IF YOU SHOW ME THE
PHOTO, I CAN TELL YOU WHETHER IT'S ME OR WHETHER IT'S A REAL THING.
BUT, UNTIL I SEE THE PHOTO - >> Jimmy: IT'S BEEN ERASED -- IT'S BEEN ERASED OFF THE
INTERNET >> OH, HOW CONVENIENT, DETECTIVE FALLON
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: I'M JUST SAYING. YEAH -- YES, IT'S BEEN ERASED.
BUT IT WAS AROUND, AND WE ALL SAW IT >> I HEARD ABOUT IT.
AND I DID SEE IT AND IT'S A PHOTOSHOP [ AUDIENCE GROANS
>> Jimmy: WE SAY, "NO. >> I'M TRYING TO MANAGE EXPECTATIONS
YOU SAY, "NO."/E OH, YOU SAY, "NO. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: WE SAY, "NO. [ LAUGHTER ] WE SAY, "THEY SHOULD RESHOOT
THE FILM." >> I'M JUST TRYING TO MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: THEY SHOULD RESHOOT -- THEY'VE GOT TO
RESHOOT THE FILM [ LAUGHTER ] >> IF THEY WANT TO GIVE ME A
A CALL AT THIS LATE, LATE -- >> Jimmy: YEAH >> -- STAGE OF THE GAME
>> Jimmy: YEAH >> YOU KNOW, I'M SITTING HERE IN MY TRACK SUIT
>> Jimmy: HAVE YOU SEEN THE TRAILER? I KNOW YOU'RE A SPIDER-MAN FAN,
BECAUSE WE'VE TALKED ABOUT WHEN YOU WERE SPIDERMAN, BUT HAVE YOU SEEN THE TRAILERS TO THIS
NEW ONE? >> I HAVE, AND I'M EXCITED AND I THINK THAT TOM HOLLAND IS
JUST THE PERFECT PETER PARKER AND SPIDER-MAN, SO I'M JUST SUPER STOKED
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: YEAH, HE'S GOOD. HE'S GOOD.
>> AND -- AND I -- AND I GET TO JUST LIKE BE A FAN AGAIN, WHICH IS MY PREFERRED POSITION, TO BE
ABLE TO SIT IN THE AUDIENCE AND JUST KIND OF GO, "YEAH, YOU SCREWED UP, MATE, YOU DIDN'T DO
IT AS WELL AS YOU COULD HAVE DONE IT. [ LAUGHTER ]
LIKE -- LIKE, I GET TO BE THAT GUY. >> Jimmy: EXACTLY.
>> IT'S JUST LIKE, "NAH, I DON'T REALLY LOVE THE SUIT, AND I DON'T REALLY LOVE THE --" I
GET TO BE THAT PERSON, WHICH IS MUCH MORE FUN. >> Jimmy: YEAH, PERFECT.
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU BECAUSE, MAN, YOU TOTALLY TRANSFORM IN THIS MOVIE "THE EYES OF
TAMMY FAYE," AND I WANT TO GET INTO IT. MORE WITH ANDREW GARFIELD WHEN
WE COME BACK, EVERYBODY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK WE'RE TALKING TO ANDREW GARFIELD RIGHT HERE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ANDREW GARFIELD. "THE EYES OF TAMMY FAYE" IS IN
THEATERS THIS FRIDAY IF YOU DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT TAMMY FAYE AND JIM BAKKER, IT'S
PHENOMENAL BOTH OF YOU GUYS -- EVERYBODY IN THE MOVIE DID A GREAT JOB
BUT MICHAEL SHOWALTER DID A GREAT JOB DIRECTING. BUT YOU TOTALLY TRANSFORMED AS
JIM BAKKER IT'S KIND OF AMAZING YOU TOTALLY IMMERSED INTO THE
CHARACTERS I HEARD THAT YOU AND JESSICA WENT TO CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY.
>> YEAH, WE WERE IN -- WE WERE SHOOTING IN NORTH CAROLINA WHICH IS, YOU KNOW, THE HOME OF
HERITAGE USA, WHICH IS NO MORE WHICH WAS THE BIG KIND OF PROPERTY THAT JIM AND TAMMY
DEVELOPED AND OWNED. THEY BUILT A HOTEL, AND THEME PARK, AND A WATER PARK
AND LIKE THEY WERE BUILDERS FOR CHRIST, ARGUABLY AND -- BUT ANYWAYS, SO, YEAH,
WE WOULD GO TO THAT SITE EVERY SUNDAY WHERE THERE'S THIS NEW EVANGELICAL CHURCH THAT WAS,
KIND OF, IN FULL OPERATION THERE. AND WE ENDED UP MANAGING TO --
WE SAW SOMEONE WHO USED TO BE PART OF JIM'S TEAM I WON'T MENTION WHO IT IS, BUT
WE SAW -- WE RECOGNIZED HIM FROM DOCUMENTARY ONE SUNDAY, AND WE KIND OF CORNERED HIM,
AND ASKED HIM IF HE WOULD SHARE WITH US. HE WAS VERY, VERY KIND OF, UM,
YOU KNOW - >> Jimmy: PROTECTIVE >> --SUSPICIOUS, PROTECTIVE
AND, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE HE REALLY CARES ABOUT JIM, AND CARED ABOUT TAMMY, AND STILL DOES,
SO BUT I THINK WHEN HE FELT ALL WE WANTED TO DO WAS TO HONOR THEM,
AND TO HUMANIZE THEM - AND WITH JIM, FOR ME, IT WAS ONE OF THE HARDEST CHARACTERS
I'VE EVER HAD TO STEP INTO BECAUSE HE'S SO FAR AWAY FROM ME, INTERNALLY, EXTERNALLY,
ACCENT-WISE, THE WHOLE THING IT WAS THE BIGGEST STRETCH I'VE EVER HAD TO DO IN TERMS OF
CREATING A CHARACTER AND SO, IT WAS VERY, VERY CHALLENGING.
BUT, YEAH, A BEAUTIFUL THING AND TO WATCH JESSICA TRANSFORM, AND DO ALL THE HONORING WORK
SHE DID FOR HER CHARACTER. IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL THING TO ATTEMPT TO KIND OF HUMANIZE
THESE PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN PUNCH LINES ON "SNL" AND ETCETERA SO.
>> Jimmy: YOU DID A GREAT JOB. I WANT TO SHOW A CLIP HERE THIS IS ANDREW GARFIELD AND
JESSICA CHASTAIN IN "IN THE EYES OF TAMMY FAYE." TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
COULD DOUBLE THEIR PLEDGE RIGHT NOW, THAT WAY WE CAN SAVE THE
WORD OF GOD. I'M TALKING ABOUT SALVATION -- YOURS, MINE, PTLs, THE ENTIRE
WORLD. SO TOGETHER -- IF WE AGREE TOGETHER, LET'S GIVE THE DEVIL
A BLACK EYE. [ PHONES RINGING ] ALL THE PHONES ARE RINGING
OH, PRAISE JESUS AND PRAISE YOU. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: THAT'S ANDREW GARFIELD, EVERYONE. "THE EYES OF TAMMY FAYE" IS IN
THEATERS THIS FRIDAY PATTON OSWALT JOINS US AFTER THE BREAK.
STICK AROUND THANKS FOR COMING, BUDDY [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: MY NEXT GUEST JUST STARTED HIS NEW TOUR, "PATTON OSWALT LIVE: WHO'S READY TO
LAUGH. HE ALSO STARS IN THE SEASON FOUR OF "A.P. BIO" WHICH IS
STREAMING NOW ON PEACOCK LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME PATTON OSWALT.
>> OH, MY GOD!
>> Jimmy: OH, THE LOVE COME ON. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING
BACK, PATTON >> THANK YOU >> Jimmy: WE LOVE YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING BACK AND BEING HERE. >> YES
>> Jimmy: I DO WANT TO GET INTO YOUR TOUR -- "PATTON OSWALT LIVE.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE A GREAT COMEDIAN, PLEASE CHECK OUT PATTON OSWALT.
YOU'RE DOING FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 17th, WASHINGTON, D.C. AT THE KENNEDY
CENTER CONCERT HALL. TWO SHOWS. THAT'S A BIG JAM RIGHT THERE
>> YEAH. >> Jimmy: ON THE 18th, AT VIRGINIA BEACH AT SANDLER
CENTER FOR PERFORMING ARTS YOU'VE GOT LIKE 20 DATES ON HERE
>> YEAH, YEAH. IT'S BEEN AMAZING. IT'S BEEN -- I'M IN FRONT OF
LIVE AUDIENCES AGAIN AND IT'S GREAT ENOUGH TO BE LIKE HEARING --
LIKE I'M SO USED TO BEING INSIDE SO IT'S ALL EMOJIS AND THUMBS UP OVER THE INTERNET
WHEN I'M TWEETING OR TEXTING SOMEONE. >> Jimmy: YEAH
>> AND NOW I'M LIKE, "WHAT'S THAT NOISE COMING OUT -- OH, THAT'S LAUGHTER.
OH, YEAH THAT'S LAUGHTER. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
OKAY, OKAY OKAY, OKAY >> Jimmy: I GOT SCARED
>> BUT WHAT'S WEIRD IS A LOT OF TIMES IT'S ENTERTAINING NOT EVEN FOR THE LAUGHTER.
IT FEELS LIKE ME AND THE AUDIENCE ARE CHECKING IN WITH EACH OTHER JUST TO CONFIRM THAT
NONE OF US HAS GONE COMPLETELY CRAZY. SO WHEN I'M ON STAGE AND GO,
"SO I HAD LIKE DORITOS FOR BREAKFAST. AND THEY'RE LIKE, "WE HAD
DORITOS FOR BREAKFAST! WE DIDN'T GO CRAZY GOOD, WE'RE ALL ON THE SAME
PAGE >> Jimmy: DID YOU POUR PEPSI ON YOURS?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> GREAT, I KIND OF WANT CRAZY FOR A LITTLE
SO WE ALL ARE CONFIRMING THAT OUR MINDS BROKE DURING QUARANTINE
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: I KNOW YOU GOT IN SOME NEWS, SOME HEADLINES, LAST
TWO WEEKS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT BECAUSE YOU HAD TO CANCEL SOME SHOWS
>> I CANCELLED SOME SHOWS BECAUSE THE VENUES -- IT WASN'T REALLY THE VENUES' FAULT
THERE WERE FOUR SHOWS IN FLORIDA THAT UNFORTUNATELY RIGHT NOW THEY DON'T LET THESE
VENUES ENFORCE COVID PROTOCOLS BECAUSE IT'S AGAINST THE LAW FOR THEM
AND THEN THERE WAS ANOTHER GIG IN SALT LAKE CITY. I HAD TO CANCEL AND IT KILLED
ME I LOVE GOING TO FLORIDA. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN IN DECEMBER
AND THEN I -- BUT THEN I STARTED GETTING ALL THIS WEIRD PUSH
90% OF THE FEEDBACK WAS VERY POSITIVE "THANK YOU, WE'LL SEE YOU IN
THE FUTURE WHEN THINGS ARE SANER. I DID GET THE EVEN SPLIT
BETWEEN "YOU'RE A NAZI FOR DEMANDING THE CARDS," 'CAUSE, YEAH
'CAUSE THAT WAS HITLER'S BIG THING WAS MAKING SURE THAT NO ONE WAS VACCINATED
[ LAUGHTER ] AND THEN ALSO, BUT I ALSO GOT THE --
>> Jimmy: WAS THAT HIS BIG THING? >> THAT WAS HIS BIG THING.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S RIGHT THAT'S RIGHT >> "LISTEN TO ME
HORSE PASTE. MAKE SURE THEY USE THE HORSE PASTE.
AND THEN THE OTHER ONE - >> Jimmy: HORSE PASTE. >> I EITHER GET THAT OR I GET
THE "YOU'RE A PUSSY. AND I WAS LIKE, "WHY -- WHEN DID EVERYONE BECOME THANOS
WHERE IT'S JUST LIKE, 'WHOEVER DIES DIES. JUST GO OUT THERE.'"
AND BY THE WAY, IF THAT IS YOUR PHILOSOPHY, DON'T DIE FOR A -- GO DIE SEEING LIZZO.
LIKE, THAT'S A GOOD -- [ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ]
-- LAST CONCERT TO SEE >> Jimmy: NO, NO YOU SHOULDN'T --
>> BY THE WAY, YOU SHOULDN'T DIE FOR AN ENTERTAINER BUT IF YOU ARE, MAKE IT COUNT.
>> Jimmy: NOT YOU. >> DON'T BE IN THE HOSPITAL GOING, "I'M SO GLAD I GOT TO
SEE THAT FAT NERD WHINE ABOUT 'THE MANDALORIAN.' BEEP
[ LAUGHTER ] LIKE IT'S NOT -- THAT'S A TERRIBLE FINAL -- THAT
SHOULDN'T BE YOUR LAST THING DON'T ROLL THE DICE FOR THAT STUFF.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: IF YOU WANT TO LAUGH SAFELY, PLEASE GO SEE PATTON
>> YEAH. >> Jimmy: I WANT TO TALK ABOUT "A.P. BIO.
SEASON FOUR NOW IS ON PEACOCK. AND ONE OF YOUR COSTARS IS ONE OF MY OLD PALS, MY OLD
FAVORITES, ONE OF THE FUNNIEST HUMANS, PAULA PELL >> PAULA PELL IS SUCH A -- SHE
WAS ALREADY A FORCE AS A A WRITER NOW SHE'S ACTING ON THE SHOW
THERE'S SO MANY SCENES WHERE THEY WERE SHOOTING OVER MY SHOULDER AND I WOULD BLOW THE
SCENE. THERE'S ONE SCENE THE FIRST EPISODE WHERE SHE DESCRIBES HER
GRANDFATHER'S BEING KILLED BY A TORNADO AND SHE DESCRIBES IT LIKE -
I THINK IT'S TWO BALLOONS FULL OF SPAGHETTI-Os IN THE AIR AND I'M LAUGHING SO HARD I
BLEW -- AND MY SHOULDERS WERE GOING UP AND DOWN. I'M LIKE HUNCHED OVER LAUGHING
AND BE LIKE, NO, NO, SHE'S TELLING YOU A SERIOUS -- YOU CAN'T BE LAUGHING AT HER
>> Jimmy: SHE'S UNBELIEVABLE >> BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A PSYCHOPATH.
SO MANY THINGS YOU LOVED ON "SNL" SHE WAS THE BRAINS BEHIND
>> Jimmy: I WANT TO SHOW A A CLIP HERE'S PATTON OSWALT AND
PAULA PELL IN SEASON FOUR OF "A.P. BIO. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
>> MAMA, IT'S RALPH. I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR
TREATING ME LIKE A SECOND CLASS CITIZEN. I BECAME STRONGER BECAUSE I HAD
TO BE. YOU MESSED ME UP THANK YOU!
>> RALPH DURBIN, YOU'RE A GODDAMN TIGER. [ ROARS
>> NOW YOU'RE READY. * >> HELLO, DODGE?
YEAH, IT'S RALPH LISTEN, THOSE PRICE HIKES, THEY'RE NOT GOING TO WORK FOR
ME, BUD. I'M NOT PAYING A PENNY MORE FOR THOSE TOTS
GOOD GOOD I'M GLAD YOU SEE IT MY WAY
OH, DAPHNE SAYS HI WELL, YOU CAN TELL YOUR WIFE TO KISS MY ASS!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: PATTON OSWALT, EVERYBODY.
SEASON FOUR OF "A.P. BIO" STREAMING NOW ON PEACOCK, AND YOU CAN CHECK HIM OUT LIVE ON
TOUR WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A A PERFORMANCE FROM "LITTLE SHOP
OF HORRORS." STICK AROUND [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* >> Jimmy: HERE TO KICK OFF BROADWAY WEEK, TO PERFORM
"LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS" AND "SKID ROW," PLEASE WELCOME THE CAST OF "LITTLE SHOP OF
HORRORS! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* LITTLE SHOP LITTLE SHOPPA HORROR LITTLE SHO
LITTLE SHOPPA TERROR * * CALL A CO LITTLE SHOPPA HORROR
NO, OH, OH, NO-O LITTLE SHOP * * LITTLE SHOPPA HORRORS
BOP SH'BOP LITTLE SHOPPA TERROR WATCH 'EM DROP *
* LITTLE SHOPPA HORRORS NO, OH, OH, NO-O SHING-A-LING
WHAT A CREEPY THING * * TO BE HAPPENING LOOK OUT, LOOK OUT
SHANG-A-LANG * * FEEL THE STUR
AND DRANG IN THE AIR YEAH SHA-LA-LA *
* STOP RIGHT WHERE YOU AR DON'T YOU MOVE A THING YOU BETTER, TELLIN' YO
YOU BETTER * * TELL YOUR MAM TELL HER SOMETHIN'S GONN
GET HE SHE BETTER, EVERYBODY * * BETTER BEWARE
THEN YOU G DOWNTOWN WHERE THE CABS DON'T STOP *
* DOWNTOW WHERE THE FOOD IS SLOP DOWNTOWN
WHERE THE HOP-HEADS FLOP * * IN THE SNOW THAT'S WHEN YOU GO
DOWNTOWN WHERE THE GUYS ARE DRIPS * * DOWNTOW
WHERE THEY RIP YOUR SLIP DOWNTOWN WHERE RELATIONSHIPS *
* ARE NO GO DOWN ON SKID ROW DOWN ON SKID ROW
DOWN ON SKID ROW * * DOWN ON SKID RO DOWN ON SKID ROW
DOWN ON SKID ROW * * POO
ALL MY LIFE I'VE ALWAYS BEEN POOR I KEEP ASKING GOD *
* WHAT I'M FO AND HE TELLS M GEE, I'M NOT SUR
SWEEP THAT FLOOR, KID * * O I STARTED OUT AS AN ORPHAN
A CHILD OF THE STREE HERE ON SKID ROW * * HE TOOK ME IN AND
GAVE ME SHELTER, A BED CRUST OF BREAD AND A JOB TREATS ME LIKE DIRT *
* CALLS ME A SLOB WHICH I AM SO I LIV
DOWNTOWN * * THAT'S YOUR HOME ADDRES YA LIV
DOWNTOWN WHEN YOUR LIFE'S A MESS * * YA LIVE
DOWNTOWN WHERE DEPRESSIONS' JUS STATUS QUO *
* DOWN ON SKID RO SOMEONE SHOW M A WAY TO GET
OUTTA HERE * * 'CAUSE I CONSTANTLY PRA I'LL GET OUTTA HER
PLEASE WON'T SOMEBODY SA I'LL GET OUTTA HERE * * SOMEONE GIMME MY SHOT
OR I'LL ROT HERE DOWNTOWN SOMEONE TELL ME I WILL *
* LUCK IT OUTTA HER I'LL START CLIMBING UP HILL AND GET OUTTA HER
SOMEONE TELL ME I STILL * * COULD GET OUTTA HER SOMEONE TELL LADY LUCK
THAT I'M STUCK HER DOWNTOWN * * GEE, IT SURE WOULD BE
SWELL TO GET OUTTA HER BID THE GUTTER FAREWEL AND GET OUTTA HERE *
* I'D MOVE HEAVEN AND HEL TO GET OUTTA SKI WHY DON'T I DUNNO WHAT
TO GET OUTTA SKID * * BUT A HELL OF A LOT TO GET OUTTA SKI
PEOPLE TELL ME THERE'S NOT A WAY OUTTA SKID * * BUT BELIEVE ME, I GOTTA
GET OUTTA SKID ROW * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: JEREMY JORDAN, TAMMY BLANCHARD, CHRISTIAN BORLE AND THE CAST OF
"LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS. GO SEE IT STARTING SEPTEMBER 23rd AT THE WESTSIDE
THEATRE. FOR TICKETS GO TO LITTLESHOPNYC.COM.
MY THANKS TO ANDREW GARFIELD, PATTON OSWALT, THE CAST OF "LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS" AND
THE ROOTS RIGHT THERE FROM PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA THANK YOU FOR WATCHING
STAY TUNED FOR "LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS. GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.