>> Steve: FROM STUDIO 6B IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER IN THE HEART
OF NEW YORK CITY, IT'S "THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON."
TONIGHT, JOIN JIMMY AND HIS GUESTS - BILLY CRYSTAL,
KATIE LEDECKY, JEAN HANFF KORELITZ, COMEDIAN JACKIE FABULOUS
AND FEATURING THE LEGENDARY ROOTS CREW >> Questlove: 1499
>> Steve: AND NOW, HERE HE IS, JIMMY FALLON
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: OH, MY GOODNESS. WELCOME, EVERYBODY
THANK YOU. HAVE A SEAT. I APPRECIATE THAT.
WELCOME, EVERYBODY WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME TO "THE TONIGHT SHOW.
YOU'RE HERE. THANK YOU FOR WATCHING AT HOME [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
LET'S GET TO SOME NEWS GUYS, TODAY THE SENATE APPROVED THE PRESIDENT BIDEN'S
$3.5 TRILLION BUDGET FOR HOUSING, EDUCATION, HEALTH CARE, AND THE ENVIRONMENT.
YEAH [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THAT'S GIANT
$3.5 TRILLION. BIDEN'S SPENDING MONEY LIKE HIS GAP REWARDS JUST KICKED IN
[ LAUGHTER ] YEAH, BIDEN CALLS IT "THE HUMAN INFRASTRUCTURE PLAN.
NOT REALLY CRAZY ABOUT THE TERM "HUMAN INFRASTRUCTURE. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
I'M PICTURING RICH COUPLES USING OTHER PEOPLE AS FURNITURE, YOU KNOW?
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] IT'S LIKE, "WE PICKED HIM UP IN UPSTATE NEW YORK."
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] MEANWHILE, THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION HAS ALSO BEEN
QUIETLY DISCUSSING A PLAN TO WEAN AIRLINES OFF FOSSIL FUELS BY 2050.
BY THAT TIME, ALL PLANES WILL NOW BE RUNNING ON HARD MOUNTAIN DEW.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Steve: YEE-HAW! >> Jimmy: AND THE PILOTS TOO
YEP. AIRLINES WILL START USING RENEWABLE ENERGY LIKE COOKING
OIL. SO NOT ONLY IS IT GOOD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT BUT EVERY PLANE
WILL SMELL LIKE POPEYE'S IT'S A WIN-WIN SPEAKING OF AIRLINES, I HEARD
THAT SOUTHWEST, AMERICAN, AND DELTA AIRLINES WILL NOT REQUIRE EMPLOYEES TO BE VACCINATED
[ AUDIENCE GROANS THAT'S AN ODD TWIST. FRONTIER IS NOW THE CLASSY
AIRLINE. [ LAUGHTER ] DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING
"I PREFER THE 3M DUCT TAPE, PLEASE THANK YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ] I MEAN, COME ON, DELTA, YOU HAVE THE EXACT NAME --
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Steve: COME ON! >> Jimmy: WHAT ARE YOU -
[ APPLAUSE ] IT PROBABLY EXPLAINS THEIR NEW SLOGAN -- "DELTA, MAKING CORONA
HOLD OUR BEER. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Steve: WHY WOULD THEY DO
THAT >> Jimmy: WELL, HERE'S SOME GOOD NEWS.
THE CDC SAYS WE'RE NOW AVERAGING 500,000 VACCINATIONS PER DAY FOR THE FIRST TIME
SINCE JUNE [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THAT'S GREAT
YOU KNOW, IT'S CRAZY, 500,000 PEOPLE ARE GETTING VACCINATED EVERY DAY DESPITE
WHAT ALL THE EXPERTS ON FACEBOOK ARE SAYING. [ LAUGHTER ]
THIS IS A LITTLE STRANGE I READ THIS. RUDY GIULIANI HAS JOINED CAMEO
AND IS SELLING VIDEOS -- [ LAUGHTER ] -- FOR $275 EACH
THAT'S RIGHT HE WENT FROM BEING AMERICA'S MAYOR TO SAYING, "HELLO, THIS
IS RUDY GIULIANI, I WANT TO WISH DEEZ NUTS A HAPPY RETIREMENT."
[ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU, BIG NATE.
DEEZ IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT A A BIRTHDAY MESSAGE FROM
RUDY GIULIANI LOOKS LIKE, IT'S PRETTY MUCH WHAT YOU'D EXPECT. TAKE A LOOK.
IT'S RUDY GIULIANI, AND I'M I WISHING YOU A HAPPY BIRTHDAY
NEVER REMEMBER A CENSORSHIP LIKE THIS. THE HARD DRIVE, THE ELECTION,
THEY JUST CUT OFF 80% OF YOUR ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE THEY'RE GOING TO STOP THIS
EXPRESS TRAIN TO SOCIALISM AND AGAIN, HAPPY BIRTHDAY. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: IT'S EASY. JUST TELL YOUR EIGHT-YEAR-OLD" I WAS GOING TO GET YOU SHAQ BUT
THEN I SAW THEY HAD RUDY." SO - [ LAUGHTER ]
SOME ENTERTAINMENT NEWS. AFTER MONTHS OF SEARCHING, MAYIM BIALIK AND MIKE RICHARDS
HAVE BEEN NAMED THE NEW HOSTS OF "JEOPARDY!" YEAH
[ CHEERS ] SO IT'S MAYIM BIALIK AND THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER -
>> Steve: WEIRD. >> Jimmy: OF "JEOPARDY!" [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
MIKE RICHARDS. HE BASICALLY CHOSE HIMSELF AS THE HOST
[ LAUGHTER ] HE'S LIKE, "I'VE SEARCHED LONG AND HARD AND I'VE DECIDED TO
PICK - ME." [ LAUGHTER ]
MIKE SAID IT WAS REALLY EMOTIONAL WHEN HE RECEIVED THE CALL FROM HIMSELF.
[ LAUGHTER ] "MIKE. AM I SITTING DOWN?
YOU DID IT." BUT HE'S NOT STOPPING THERE. TONIGHT, I SAW HIM IN A WHITE
DRESS REVEALING ALL THE LETTERS ON "WHEEL OF FORTUNE." >> Steve: REALLY
>> Jimmy: YEAH HE JUST FEELS LIKE THAT'S MORE OF HIS -
WELL, GET THIS, GUYS THE FIRST EVER CRUISE SHIP WITH A ROLLER COASTER JUST SET SAIL
FROM FLORIDA [ AUDIENCE OHS ] A ROLLER COASTER
REALLY YOU'RE ALREADY TAKING A CRUISE FROM FLORIDA DURING A PANDEMIC
HOW MUCH MORE DANGER DO YOU NEED [ LAUGHTER ]
FINALLY, A TEAM OF RESEARCHERS FOUND THAT A CHEMICAL LEAKING FROM PLASTIC POLLUTION IN THE
OCEAN IS SEXUALLY AROUSING HERMIT CRABS [ LAUGHTER ]
HONESTLY, IT'S THE BEST OUTCOME FOR A HEADLINE WITH THE WORDS "SEX" AND "CRABS."
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW [ APPLAUSE ] GIVE IT UP FOR THE ROOTS,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
*
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: WHAT A SHOW.
WHAT A SHOW WE HAVE FOR YOU TONIGHT. HE DIRECTED, CO-WROTE, AND
STARS IN THE NEW FILM, "HERE TODAY. THE ONE AND ONLY BILLY CRYSTAL
IS HERE! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Steve: WHOA, COME ON!
>> Jimmy: I CAN'T WAIT SHE JUST WON FOUR MEDALS AT THE TOKYO GAMES, INCLUDING HER
SIXTH INDIVIDUAL GOLD MEDAL IN SWIMMING OLYMPIC LEGEND KATIE LEDECKY IS
JOINING US IN STUDIO [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE SHE BROUGHT THE MEDALS
PLUS, SHE'S A "NEW YORK TIMES" BEST-SELLING AUTHOR, AND SHE WROTE THIS YEAR'S FALLON SUMMER
READS BOOK "THE PLOT." JEAN HANFF KORELITZ IS HERE TO TALK ABOUT "THE PLOT."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE WON'T GIVE IT AWAY AND WE'VE GOT GREAT STAND-UP
FROM - JACKIE FABULOUS IS HERE! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
TODAY IS JACKIE'S BIRTHDAY >> Steven: AW, REALLY? >> Jimmy: YEAH
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JACKIE FABULOUS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THAT'S KIND OF COOL. >> Steve: THAT'S FABULOUS. >> Jimmy: YEAH
GUYS, IT IS TIME FOR "GOOD NAME, BAD NAME, GREAT NAME."
* GOOD NAMES BAD NAME GREAT NAMES YES * *
>> Jimmy: FIRST UP WE HAVE "GOD ONLY KNOWS." THAT'S A GOOD NAME FOR A BEACH
BOYS SONG. A BAD NAME FOR A FINANCIAL ADVISER.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] A GREAT NAME FOR WHATEVER THE MOST UP-TO-DATE CDC GUIDELINES
ARE. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE NEXT THERE'S "TIKTOK."
THAT'S A GOOD NAME FOR A VIDEO APP. A BAD NAME FOR A RETIREMENT
HOME [ LAUGHTER ] >> Steve: TIME'S RUNNING OUT,
GRAMPS >> Jimmy: GREAT NAME FOR THE CUOMO ADMINISTRATION
>> Steve: OH, OH [ AUDIENCE OHS ] [ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: TWO WEEKS GOES FAST. >> Steve: COME ON. >> Jimmy: AFTER THAT, WE HAVE
"BEAUTIFUL MISTAKES. WELL, THAT'S A GOOD NAME FOR A A MAROON 5 SONG.
IT'S A BAD NAME FOR A DELIVERY WARD [ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S A GREAT NAME FOR FINDING AN ONION RING IN YOUR FRIES. OH, YEAH
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE OH, YEAH NEXT THERE'S "FIVE SECONDS OF
SUMMER." THAT'S A GOOD NAME FOR A POP BAND
A BAD NAME FOR A HOTEL VACATION PACKAGE. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
A GREAT NAME FOR AUGUST IN ALASKA [ APPLAUSE ]
ONLY FIVE SECONDS. NEXT UP, WE HAVE "BIBBIDI-BOBBIDI-BOO."
THAT'S A GOOD NAME FOR A MAGIC SPELL. IT'S A BAD NAME FOR A SCATTING
GHOST. [ LAUGHTER ] IT'S A GREAT NAME FOR
CINDERELLA'S SIDE PIECE. OH [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
NEXT UP, WE HAVE "HANDBALL." WELL, THAT'S A GOOD NAME FOR A A SPORT.
A BAD NAME FOR A MEATBALL RESTAURANT [ LAUGHTER ]
A GREAT NAME FOR A UROLOGIST [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE [ COUGHING ]
A LOT OF COUGHING, A LOT OF COUGHING AFTER THAT, WE HAVE "BAD
HABITS." THAT'S A GOOD NAME FOR AN ED SHEERAN SONG.
A BAD NAME FOR A CIGARETTE COMPANY. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
A GREAT NAME FOR A NUN BIKER GANG [ APPLAUSE ]
BAD HABITS >> Steven: BAD HABITS. >> Jimmy: AND FINALLY, WE HAVE
"PERMISSION TO DANCE." THAT'S A GOOD NAME FOR A BTS SONG
IT'S A BAD NAME FOR A JAMES BOND MOVIE A GREAT NAME FOR TEQUILA
THERE YOU GO [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FOR
"GOOD NAME, BAD NAME, GREAT NAME." WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
"TONIGHT SHOW HASHTAGS." COME ON BACK, EVERYBODY. *
>> Jimmy: OH, THANK YOU, ROOTS THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GUYS. WELCOME BACK
GUYS, IT IS TIME FOR "TONIGHT SHOW HASHTAGS. HERE WE GO
* * HASHTAG
HASHTAGS * * >> Jimmy: NOW, WE DO THIS THING
EVERY WEEK WHERE I SEND OUT A HASHTAG AND ASK YOU GUYS TO RESPOND TO THAT TOPIC.
SO SINCE WE JUST FINISHED OUR "TONIGHT SHOW" SUMMER READS, I SENT OUT THE HASHTAG "ADD
A WORD, RUIN A BOOK. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] YEAH
SO YOU ADD ONE WORD TO A FAMOUS BOOK AND MAKE IT WORSE WITHIN MINUTES, IT WAS A
A TRENDING TOPIC, SO THANK YOU FOR PLAYING ALONG. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
WE LOVE DOING THAT NOW I THOUGHT I'D SHARE SOME OF MY FAVORITE RESPONSES FROM YOU
GUYS THIS FIRST ONE'S FROM @CRAIGFLYNN1
HE SAYS, "TACO TUESDAYS WITH MORRIE." THERE YOU GO
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE >> Steve: HE DID WIN >> Jimmy: YEAH
THIS ONE'S FROM @DUNDERMIFFLIN84 THEY SAID, "FROG AND TOAD ARE
FACEBOOK FRIENDS." OH, THERE YOU GO [ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ] THIS ONE'S FROM @ANNIFANNI18 SHE SAYS, "THE GIRL WITH THE
DRAGON BALL-Z TATTOO." [ LAUGHTER ] THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
[ APPLAUSE ] I LIKE THAT. >> Steve: THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
>> Jimmy: THIS ONE'S FROM @ROSSSWIM14. HE SAYS, "IF YOU GIVE A MOUSE
A WEED COOKIE. OH, HEY. WATCH IT
[ APPLAUSE ] >> Steve: ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
>> Jimmy: OH, I LIKE THIS ONE. IT'S FROM @BILLYHCLUB. HE SAYS, "HOWYA DUNE?"
[ LAUGHTER ] "HOWYA DUNE. HOW YA DOIN'
>> Steve: HOW YOU DOIN'? HOW YOU DOIN'? >> Jimmy: THIS ONE'S FROM
@CASIEWALL SHE SAYS, "WHERE THE CRAWDADS SING NICKELBACK.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE THIS ONE'S FROM @CLUTCHCITYFAN1.
THEY SAY, "TICKLE FIGHT CLUB." THAT'S - [ LAUGHTER ]
THIS ONE'S FROM @SOCKMONKEYPJs THEY SAY, "THE JERSEY DEVIL WEARS PRADA.
HEY, THERE YOU GO. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE NOT BAD.
THIS ONE'S FROM @JOHNNYUNITIES >> Steve: OH, GREAT. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: HE SAYS, "DANTE'S DISCO INFERNO. HEY!
[ APPLAUSE ] * *
* SEVENTH CIRCLE OF HELL * * * THERE'S VIRGIL *
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: THIS ONE'S FROM @SAVAGEFRANJ
HE SAYS, "LAP DANCES WITH WOLVES." OH, INTERESTING.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE >> Steve: AWOO >> Jimmy: THIS LAST ONE'S FROM
@HERMANBALDURS HE SAYS, "WAR AND PEACE OUT! THERE YOU HAVE IT!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THOSE ARE OUT "TONIGHT SHOW" HASHTAGS
TO CHECK OUT MORE OF OUR FAVORITES, GO TO TONIGHTSHOW.COM/HASHTAGS
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BILLY CRYSTAL! COME ON!
OH, THAT'S AWESOME [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
>> Jimmy: OUR FIRST GUEST DIRECTED, CO-WROTE, AND STARS ALONGSIDE TIFFANY HADDISH IN
THE NEW FILM "HERE TODAY." IT IS AVAILABLE NOW ON DIGITAL, BLUE RAY, AND DVD.
HERE IS THE ONE, THE ONLY, BILLY CRYSTAL!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
YEAH OH, LOOK AT YOU. >> FINALLY
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK BILLY, I'M SO HAPPY. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE >> WELL, I WISH I ACTUALLY WAS THERE.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, THAT'S TRUE. >> BUT, YOU KNOW, TIMES I MIGHT BE A LITTLE AFRAID TO FLY.
NOT ABOUT THE COVID. THE PASSENGERS [ LAUGHTER ]
I MEAN, I ACTUALLY CALLED FOR A RESERVATION, AND THEY ASKED ME IF I'D LIKE TO SIT IN THE
OCTAGON. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: YEAH
>> THERE'S THREE KNOCK-DOWN RULE NOW IN FIRST CLASS. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THAT.
[ LAUGHTER ] I COULD HAVE RIM SHOTS FOR THIS, DON'T YOU THINK?
>> Jimmy: YEAH, QUEST CAN GIVE YOU A RIM SHOT YEAH, OF COURSE.
>> HEY, LAST TIME I FLEW, A FLIGHT ATTENDANT ASKED IF I WANTED HEADPHONES OR DUCT TAPE
[ LAUGHTER ] [ RIM SHOT ] THEY STOPPED SERVING ALCOHOL
NOW THEY SERVE AMBIEN. [ RIM SHOT ] [ LAUGHTER ]
HERE'S THE LAST ONE. NEW SLOGAN IS, THERE'S SOMETHING SPECIAL IN THE AIR
[ LAUGHTER ] * >> Jimmy: THERE YOU GO
THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT
WRITE IT DOWN. BILLY, YOU LOOK GREAT, BUT I HEARD YOU HAD A LITTLE HEALTH
SCARE. IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT? >> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
JUST -- YOU KNOW, I WAS -- I'VE BEEN WORKING OUT AS MUCH AS I CAN.
AND SO I DID SOMETHING WITH MY RIGHT HIP. SO IT WAS JUST A STRANGE PAIN,
SO I WAS WORRIED, BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO JOIN THAT "YEAH, I GOT A NEW HIP" CLUB.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] SO THE DOCTOR SAYS, "LISTEN, I THINK THE BEST THING IS TO PUT
YOU IN THE MRI TUBE AND WE'LL, YOU KNOW, LET'S TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT YOUR SOFT TISSUE."
SO I SAID, "FINE, BUT I'M 73, SO THERE'S -- EVERYTHING IS SOFT AT THIS POINT."
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: NOTHING BUT SOFT TISSUE
>> SO I'M -- YOU'VE BEEN IN AN MRI TUBE, RIGHT? >> Jimmy: YEAH
>> IT'S AWFUL. I'M VERY CLAUSTROPHOBIC, WHICH IS WHY I WAS A MONTH PREMATURE
[ LAUGHTER ] AND SO -- SO I GET THERE, AND I'M NERVOUS AND THEY SHOOT DYE
INTO THE HIP AND THEN THEY PUT ME IN THE HOSPITAL GOWN. YOU KNOW, WHERE YOUR ASS HANGS
OUT IN THE BACK. NOTHING IS GOOD ABOUT THIS >> Jimmy: YEAH, I FEEL LIKE
THEY NEED TO MASTER THAT YEAH >> YES, AND I'M REALLY
NERVOUS -- SO TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT, WHEN I WAS ALONE, I SWALLOWED
FOUR EDIBLES [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: WHAT DO YOU MEAN
>> FOUR, YOU KNOW, EDIBLES >> Jimmy: GUMMIES. >> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
THE GUY AT THE CANNABIS PLACE SAID -- BECAUSE THERE'S A SECTION FOR SENIORS.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] TWO WILL MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD. SO I SAID, "I REALLY WANT TO
FEEL FABULOUS. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: FOUR GUMMIES
>> SO I SWALLOWED THE FOUR SO NOW I GET ON THE THING, AND THEY PUT ME INTO THE TUBE.
AND I HAVE HEADSETS ON AND I'M LISTENING TO A LITTLE BILL EVANS ON PANDORA.
AND THEY GIVE YOU THIS THING TO SQUEEZE. SO IN CASE YOU GET INTO
TROUBLE, YOU JUST SQUEEZE IT, AND HE SAYS, "WHAT CAN I DO? AND I'LL GET YOU OUT OF THERE.
RIGHT? >> Jimmy: YEAH >> SO ABOUT A HALF HOUR IN, I
GOT REALLY HUNGRY. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: YOU'RE A STONER NOW,
GEEZ >> YEAH, AND SO I SQUEEZE THE THING, HE GOES, "YOU OKAY,
MR. CRYSTAL? I SAID, "YEAH, YEAH. IS THERE A TACO BELL NEARBY?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: BY THE TUBE? IS THERE ANY
>> HE SAYS, "NO. "OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
NOW, 40 MINUTES IN, I SQUEEZE IT AGAIN HE GOES, "YOU OKAY?"
"YEAH, YEAH, I'M THINKING IF POSTMATES WOULD MAKE A A DELIVERY?"
>> Jimmy: JUST GET ME -- JUST GET ME SOMETHINGGET ME A A BURRITO.
>> "I'M THINKING GUMBO OR NUETELLA FRENCH TOAST, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE A STONER. YOU BECAME A STONER. >> IN THE TUBE
AND I DIDN'T WANT TO OPEN MY EYES BECAUSE I KNOW, YOU KNOW, THE ROOF IS, LIKE, RIGHT HERE.
>> Jimmy: YES. >> I'D FEEL LIKE I WAS, YOU KNOW, A MUMMY OR SOMETHING
SO FINALLY I NODDED OFF. SO IT WAS LIKE 1960 ALL OVER AGAIN, SO, IT WAS, LIKE, VERY
COOL FOR ME. THEY TAKE ME OUT, AND I WALK OUT OF THE BUILDING AND SOMEONE
SAYS, "UM, SIR, YOU'RE STILL IN YOUR GOWN. AND YOUR ASS IS HANGING OUT.
I SAID, "OH, GEEZ. SO, I COME BACK IN, I GOT DRESSED, AND I WENT TO
TACO BELL AND HAD A NACHO FRY BOX. [ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THAT'S WHAT I'M ABOUT. SO, GOOD AND EVERYTHING WORKED
OUT? >> YEAH, I'M OKAY. I'M OKAY
>> Jimmy: I WANTED TO MENTION, ONCE AGAIN, YOU'RE VOICING MIKE WAZOWSKI, YOU'RE BACK
CAUSE WE LOVED YOU IN "MONSTERS, INC." AND THE SEQUEL
BUT NOW IT'S, UM, "MONSTERS AT WORK" ON DISNEY PLUS ANY KID OUT THERE, ANY FAMILY
WITH KIDS, YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS YOU'RE FANTASTIC
>> WE'RE HAVING A GOOD TIME. IT'S BEEN JOHN GOODMAN AND I, AND MINDY KHALING,
HENRY WINKLER. A VERY TALENTED ACTOR NAMED BEN FELDMAN.
SO, IT'S BEEN A LOT OF FUN PEOPLE SEEM TO BE REALLY LIKING IT
IT'S A CONTINUATION OF WHERE "MONSTERS, INC.," LEFT OFF SO IT'S NOT A SEQUEL.
IT'S JUST A CONTINUATION OF THE ORIGINAL STORY 20 YEARS AGO
THIS IS THE 20th ANNIVERSARY OF "MONSTERS, INC." CRAZY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: SEEMS ALMOST WRONG THAT'S WILD.
IT FEELS LIKE IT JUST CAME OUT >> THIS WHOLE YEAR IS ANNIVERSARIES FOR ME THOUGH.
IT'S THE 30th ANNIVERSARY OF "CITY SLICKERS." >> Jimmy: WOW.
>> YEAH, CRAZY AND THE 35th ANNIVERSARY OF REALLY MY FIRST ROLE THAT I
REALLY LOVED, AND THAT WAS "RUNNING SCARED" WITH THE GREAT GREGORY HINES.
>> Jimmy: GREGORY HINES. ABSOLUTELY I LOVED THAT
I LOVE THIS NEW FILM THAT YOU HAVE "HERE TODAY." YOU WROTE IT
YOU DIRECTED IT. YOU STAR IN IT WITH TIFFANY HADDISH, WHO, BY THE
WAY, IS FANTASTIC AS WELL. >> YEAH, SHE'S GREAT >> Jimmy: WHY -- THAT'S TOO
MUCH WORK. >> WELL, YOU KNOW, IT WAS SOMETHING THAT I REALLY LOVED,
AND I GOT TO WRITE IT WITH MY DEAR FRIEND, AND SOMEONE YOU KNOW VERY WELL, ALAN ZWEIBEL
>> Jimmy: I LOVE ALAN ZWEIBEL. IS A LEGEND. >> I SAW HIM, ACTUALLY, ON THE
"LETTERMAN SHOW" TELLING THIS FUNNY STORY ABOUT HOW HE MET THIS PERSON BY CHANCE AT A
A CELEBRITY AUCTION LUNCH, AND SHE PURCHASED HIM FOR $22. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND THEN -- AND THEN SHE ENDED UP HAVING AN ALLERGIC REACTION TO THE SEAFOOD SHE WAS EATING.
SHE HAD NO INSURANCE SHE HAD TO GET AN AMBULANCE. AND THIS CHARITY LUNCH COST HIM
$3,000 [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: SO FUNNY -
>> SO I'M WATCHING HIM, JIM, AND I SAID -- AND WE ALL STARTED TYPING WITH ALAN --
THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF SOMETHING. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, BUT
THIS IS HOW THEY MEET. WHERE DO WE GO FROM THERE, AND SO AND FORTH
SO WE JUST STARTED WRITING IT, AND IT ENDED UP BECOMING THIS, I THINK, REALLY FUNNY,
BEAUTIFUL STORY OF THESE TWO MISMATCHED PEOPLE WHO BECOME GREAT FRIENDS.
>> Jimmy: YEAH IT'S VERY FUNNY, BUT IT'S ALSO GOT SOME VERY MOVING SCENES IN
THERE TOO. CAN I SET IT UP OR - >> SURE, YEAH.
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE A WRITER AND SUFFERING FROM DEMENTIA. FIRST STAGES OF DEMENTIA
>> I SAID, "WELL, WHAT IF WE COMPLICATE IT, AND HE'S GOT THIS?"
BECAUSE THE THOUGHT OF SOMEBODY FUNNY, WHO'S WORDS ARE HIS CURRENCY, WHO'S NOW GOING BROKE
COULD BE VERY DRAMATIC, AND VERY FASCINATING TO PLAY >> Jimmy: OH, YEAH
>> AND CAN WE PUT THAT INTO A MOVIE THAT WE HOPE IS FUNNY, BUT ALSO ENTERTAINING AND
HEARTBREAKING AT THE SAME TIME AND THAT'S -- I'M VERY PROUD OF WHAT WE WERE ABLE TO DO.
>> Jimmy: YEAH AND IT'S TRICKY TO COME OUT WITH A MOVIE DURING QUARANTINE,
AS WELL. BUT -- >> YEAH, I MEAN, "MOM, COME ON,
WE'RE GOING TO SEE THE DEMENTIA MOVIE! COME ON!
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: YEAH, BUT ALSO IT'S
KIND OF GOOD THAT IT'S OUT NOW, AND STREAMING -- >> YEAH, NOW PEOPLE SEEING IT
AND I'LL TELL YOU. I MEAN, THE REACTION TO IT NOW WITH PEOPLE FINALLY SEEING IT
HAS BEEN REALLY HEARTWARMING AND GREAT. AND I THANK EVERYBODY WHO'S NOW
GETTING A CHANCE TO WATCH IT >> Jimmy: YEAH >> YOU KNOW, THESE LAST COUPLE
WEEKS. IT'S GREAT >> Jimmy: YOU DID A GREAT JOB.
I LOVE THE CAMEO, THE ALAN ZWEIBEL CAMEO, AS THE CUE CARD GUY IN THE SHOW
IT MADE ME LAUGH IF YOUR TALK TO HIM -- TELL HIM IT WAS GREAT
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] I WANT TO SHOW EVERYONE A CLIP HERE'S BILLY CRYSTAL AND
TIFFANY HADDISH IN "HERE TODAY. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
THE AUCTION. >> TRUTH
>> SURE. >> I DON'T KNOW WHO THE HELL YOU ARE.
MY EX BID ON YOU >> HOW COME YOU'RE EX DIDN'T COME
>> I CAUGHT HIM CHEATING ON ME >> AW. >> AND HE SAID IT WAS BECAUSE
I'M THE WORST LAY IN THE WORLD AND TRUST ME, HE'S WRONG YOU GOT TO SEE MY MOVES.
IT'S CIRQUE du SOLEIL. >> LET'S GET THROUGH LUNCH FIRST.
>> I BREAK YOUR BACK, OLD MAN. >> THANK YOU >> HAVE YOU LAID OUT DEAD WITH
A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND YOUR KIDS WOULD BE LIKE, "HOW DID HE DIE?
HOW DID MY DAD DIE?" AND I WOULD JUST HAVE TO LOOK AT THEM IN THE EYES AND SAY,
"ON TOP OF ME. >> THAT'S A REALLY LOVELY THOUGHT.
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE BILLY CRYSTAL, EVERYBODY
I LOVE IT, BUDDY PLEASE COME BACK >> SEE YOU NEXT TIME, JIMMY.
>> Jimmy: "HERE TODAY" IS AVAILABLE NOW ON DIGITAL BLU RAY AND DVD.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH KATIE LEDECKY. STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * >> Jimmy: MY NEXT GUEST IS
FRESH OFF HER HISTORIC APPEARANCE AT THE TOKYO OLYMPICS, WHERE SHE WON HER
SIXTH INDIVIDUAL GOLD MEDAL IN SWIMMING LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE
WELCOME KATIE LEDECKY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THAT'S THE APPLAUSE YOU DESERVE.
>> WOW >> Jimmy: ABSOLUTELY THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING
ON LOOK AT THESE MEDALS >> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOODNESS. WHAT DOES IT -- WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE?
BECAUSE NOW, THIS IS WHAT -- TEN? >> YEAH.
YEAH IT'S HEAVY >> Jimmy: YEAH
>> SO I THINK I NEED TO GIVE YOU ONE. DO YOU WANT TO WEAR ONE?
>> Jimmy: OH, NO >> DO YOU WANT TO FEEL HOW HEAVY?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK, YEAH
>> Jimmy: IT'S AMAZING WOW. >> HEAVY
>> Jimmy: IT IS HEAVY. WAIT, BUT WHAT -- THIS IS LIKE -- CAN I DO THIS?
>> DUDE, THAT'S WHAT WE HAD TO DO IN TOKYO, WE HAD TO PRESENT THE MEDALS TO OUR SELF, SO
YOU'RE GETTING THE FULL EXPERIENCE >> Jimmy: IT FEELS LIKE I WAS
IN THE OLYMPICS. THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE I'VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE YEAH, THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE >> MM-HMM.
>> Jimmy: NOW -- OUT OF ALL THE MEDALS YOU'VE WON, DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE ONE
>> I REALLY LIKE THESE THE FRONT IS ALL WAYS THE SAME THIS -- THE EVENT ON THE EDGE.
>> Jimmy: I DIDN'T KNOW THAT >> ALL THE TIME. SO LET'S SEE WHICH EVENT YOU
WON, JIMMY >> Jimmy: YEAH WHERE IS THAT?
DO YOU SEE THAT? >> YOU WON THE 800 METER FREESTYLE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: I DIDN'T KNOW THAT THAT'S THE ENGRAVED ON THE
BOTTOM >> YEAH. >> Jimmy: AND THEN -- WHAT
THE -- THIS SIDE IS DIFFERENT. WAS THIS SIDE ALL WAYS THE SAME
>> THAT SIDE IS ALL WAYS THE SAME AND IN THE BACK, TOKYO PUTS THEIR OWN LITTLE SPIN ON
IT, SO THEY PUT "TOKYO 2020. [ AUDIENCE OOHS >> Jimmy: HOLY MOLY.
>> YEAH, THERE YOU GO. >> Jimmy: IT'S AN HONOR TO HOLD THIS
THANK YOU SO MUCH. >> YEAH. >> Jimmy: IT'S AN HONOR TO HAVE
YOU HERE WHAT WAS IT LIKE WHEN YOU WERE THERE?
I MEAN, NO SPECTATORS, NO FAMILY ALLOWED TO COME, SUPPORT YOU.
WHAT WAS IT LIKE >> IT WAS A LITTLE DIFFERENT I'M LUCKY IN THAT I HAD -- I
HAD MY FAMILY THERE IN 2 2012 AND 2016, SO I HAD THAT EXPERIENCE
>> Jimmy: SURE >> BUT WE MISSED AN AUDIENCE LIKE THIS BUT --
>> Jimmy: OF COURSE. >> MY TEAMMATES WERE IN THE STANDS CHEERING, THE ONES THAT
WEREN'T RACING EACH SESSION, AND THEY REALLY BROUGHT -- BROUGHT SOME GOOD ENERGY, SO -
IT DIDN'T FEEL AS WEIRD AS I EXPECTED >> Jimmy: ONLINE
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU EVEN LOOK AT WHAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT YOU, BUT EVERYONE IS CALLING YOU THE
G.O.A.T. OF -- YEAH. IS IT -- IS IT ODD TO BE CALLED THAT
>> A LITTLE. I MEAN, THERE'S SO MANY GREAT SWIMMERS THROUGHOUT THE YEARS.
OF COURSE, MICHAEL PHELPS IS THE G.O.A.T., AND I'M JUST HONORED TO CARRY ON THE LEGACY
OF REALLY GREAT FEMALE SWIMMERS IN THE U.S SO, I DON'T KNOW
I DON'T KNOW THANKS [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: SPEAKING OF MICHAEL PHELPS >> YES
>> Jimmy: I HAVE A PHOTO HERE. THIS IS A PICTURE OF 9-YEAR-OLD KATIE LEDECKY WITH
MICHAEL PHELPS TAKE A LOOK AT THIS. [ AUDIENCE AWS ]
DO YOU SEE THIS? [ AUDIENCE AWS ] SOUNDS CUTE AND DID YOU -- WAS
YOU JUST SIGNING IT -- WAS THAT A POSTER WAS HE IN THE BAND OR
SOMETHING? >> YEAH. IT WAS AT A SWIM CLINIC, SO I'D
ACTUALLY MET HIM AND GOTTEN HIS AUTOGRAPH THREE YEARS PRIOR BUT I HAD TO -- HAD TO GO TO SOME
CLINIC AND GET IT AGAIN, I GUESS. >> Jimmy: REALLY
>> HE'S BEEN SUCH A GREAT FRIEND OVER THE YEARS. SIX YEARS AFTER THAT PHOTO, I
WAS ON AN OLYMPIC TEAM WITH HIM IN LONDON. HE GAVE ME A HIGH FIVE RIGHT
BEFORE MY RACE, WHICH MADE ME FLASH BACK TO THOSE MOMENTS. AND --
>> Jimmy: THAT'S AMAZING >> HE WAS THERE IN TOKYO SUPPORTING US AND CHEERING US
ON WHICH WAS GREAT. >> Jimmy: I ALSO HEARD THAT
YOU'RE A BIG FAN OF BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN. >> MM-HMM.
>> Jimmy: AND I HAVE ANOTHER PHOTO. THIS IS YOU AND BRUCE.
NOW WHAT DID HE -- WHAT GOLD MEDAL DID HE WIN I DON'T REMEMBER THIS.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> WELL, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN -- HE DID THE -- 200 --
>> Jimmy: JUST ROCKING - YEAH >> YEAH, FROM RIO.
>> Jimmy: DID YOU SEE HIS DAUGHTER >> YES
SHE WON A SILVER MEDAL IN TOKYO. AND IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE WHEN I
SHOWED HIM MY MEDALS, HE SAID, "YOU KNOW, MY DAUGHTER, SHE'S AN EQUESTRIAN.
AND IT WAS REALLY COOL BECAUSE HE WAS, OBVIOUSLY, VERY PROUD OF HIS DAUGHTER AND I KNEW THAT
SHE HAD OLYMPIC POTENTIAL. SO WE REALLY FOLLOWED HER OVER THE LAST SEVERAL YEARS, AND SO
IT WAS REALLY COOL TO WATCH HER WIN A SILVER MEDAL >> SHE IS THE BOSS
YEAH [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: SHE WON A SILVER
MEDAL. CONGRATULATIONS. THAT'S AMAZING
I WANT TO ASK YOU A QUESTION THAT I DON'T KNOW IF I'VE SEEN YOU ASK THIS BEFORE.
BUT AS A PARENT, I WANT TO KNOW, CAN YOU -- CAN YOU EAT BEFORE YOU GO IN THE POOL?
[ LAUGHTER ] OR DO YOU HAVE TO WAIT 30 MINUTES
OR IS THAT REAL? OR LET'S GET TO -- I WANT A REAL FACT HERE
>> I MIGHT HAVE SOME PARENTS COMING AFTER ME FOR THIS >> Jimmy: WOW!
>> I THINK WE CAN DEBUNK THE MYTH YOU CAN EAT BEFORE YOU SWIM.
I'M NOT -- I WOULDN'T RECOMMEND YOU GO OUT AND HAVE A HUGE PIZZA WITH YOUR DAUGHTERS
BEFORE YOU - >> Jimmy: OH, YEAH >> BUT, I MEAN, I EAT GRANOLA
BARS BEFORE I SWIM WITHIN, I DON'T KNOW, FIVE OR TEN MINUTES BEFORE I RACE.
>> Jimmy: I JUST HOPE MY DAD IS WATCHING >> I DRINK CHOCOLATE MILK RIGHT
AFTER I SWIM I SOMETIMES, HAVE TWO RACES. IN TOKYO, I HAD TWO RACES ABOUT
AN HOUR APART AND I WAS EATING AND DRINKING AND MY SECOND RACE WAS THE
1500 FREE, SO I HAD TO HAVE SOMETHING IN MY STOMACH TO GET ME THROUGH A 15 AND A HALF
MINUTE RACE. >> Jimmy: I CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU WHAT AN HONOR IT IS TO HAVE ON
THE SHOW AND FOR REPRESENTING OUR COUNTRY. YOU'RE SO COOL AND AMAZING
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE PLEASE COME BACK, WILL YOU >> THANK YOU, YEAH
>> Jimmy: THERE YOU ARE RIGHT THERE, OLYMPIC CHAMPION, KATIE LEDECKY, EVERYBODY
WHEN WE COME BACK, WE ARE JOINED BY BEST-SELLING AUTHOR, JEAN HANFFF KORELITZ
STICK AROUND [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
>> Jimmy: MY NEXT GUEST IS A A "NEW YORK TIMES" BEST-SELLING AUTHOR
HER LATEST BOOK, "THE PLOT," WAS THIS YEAR'S "FALLON SUMMER READ."
EVERYONE, PLEASE WELCOME JEAN HANFFF KORELITZ
* * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: THANKS FOR COMING ON YOU LOOK GREAT WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
I'M SO HAPPY TO MEET YOU >> I'M EVEN MORE HAPPY TO MEET YOU.
>> Jimmy: I LOVE THE BOOK SO MUCH IT WAS OUR "FALLON SUMMER
READS" WINNER, OBVIOUSLY WHEN DID YOU FIND OUT THAT YOU WON?
>> MY HUSBAND AND I WERE TAKING A ROAD TRIP TO THE EXOTIC UPPER MIDWEST.
>> Jimmy: OH >> AND WE WERE ON AN ISLAND IN THE MIDDLE OF LAKE MICHIGAN,
AND I GOT A CALL FROM MY EDITOR, AND THERE WAS A LOT OF JUMPING UP AND DOWN.
IT WAS AMAZING >> Jimmy: OH, GOOD >> THE WHOLE THING HAS BEEN
AMAZING. >> Jimmy: I LOVE -- LOVE -- LOVE -- LOVE THE BOOK.
AND WHEN I READ A BOOK, I LIKE TO UNDERLINE THINGS JUST TO MAKE SURE THERE'S THINGS THAT I
GO LIKE, "OH, I GOT TO REMEMBER THAT ONE." >> RIGHT
>> Jimmy: SO I GOT ONE OF THESE PENS - >> YEAH, RIGHT
>> Jimmy: THE ONE WITH ALL THE -- ALL THE LITTLE COLORS IN THERE.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND I FORGOT THEY STILL MAKE THESE, BUT I GO, "I LOVE IT.
AND THEN IF I SEE SOMETHING WHERE THAT'S A RED FLAG, I'M GOING TO READ.
[ LAUGHTER ] BUT I LOVED IT I EVEN, LIKE, PULLED OUT, LIKE,
PAGE 60 AND 61 >> WHAT HAPPENS ON 60 AND 61 >> Jimmy: BIG PAGES, WHATEVER.
>> OKAY. >> Jimmy: I WROTE -- YEAH, BIG PAGES RIGHT THERE.
THESE ARE BIG PAGES. A LOT HAPPENS THERE. YOU GO LIKE, "OH, WAIT A
A SECOND." I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE THE BOOK WITHOUT GIVING
ANYTHING AWAY. NO SPOILERS HERE >> RIGHT, RIGHT.
WELL, IT'S A HARD BOOK TO TALK ABOUT BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS WE DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO
KNOW BEFORE THEY READ IT BUT IT'S ABOUT A FAILED WRITER WHO IS TEACHING A CREATIVE
WRITING CLASS AND HE HAS JUST THIS HORRIBLE, ARROGANT STUDENT WHO CLAIMS THAT HE HAS A
A BRILLIANT BOOK THAT'S GONNA MAKE HIM VERY RICH AND FAMOUS. WHICH IS SOMETHING WE WRITERS
HEAR A LOT [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: YEAH
>> BUT IN THIS CASE, WHEN HE TELLS HIS TEACHER, OUR HERO OR ANTI-HERO, THE STORY, HE HAS TO
AGREE. IT'S REALLY THAT GOOD. AND WHEN THE STUDENT DIES, THE
TEACHER DECIDES TO APPROPRIATE THE STORY, NOT THE MANUSCRIPT. THERE IS NO MANUSCRIPT
SO IT'S NOT PLAGIARISM, BUT IT'S SOMETHING >> Jimmy: YEAH, SO THE TEACHER
DOESN'T LIKE THIS PUNK THAT'S IN HIS CLASS AND THIS GUY IS GOING LIKE,
"OH, HE'S BRAGGING ALL ABOUT IT." AND THEN YEARS LATER -- RIGHT?
THIS IS YEARS -- >> A COUPLE YEARS LATER. >> Jimmy: -- YEAH, A COUPLE
YEARS LATER, HE'S LIKE, "WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT BOOK, BECAUSE THAT WAS A GOOD
PLOT AND HE'S LOOKING IT UP -- GOOGLING UP.
AM I GIVING TOO MUCH AWAY? >> WHEN HE -- WHEN HE DISCOVERS THAT HIS FORMER STUDENT HAS
DIED - >> Jimmy: DIED, HE HAS NO FAMILY
>> HE CANNOT LEAVE IT ALONE. [ WHISTLE IT'S TOO GOOD, SO.
>> Jimmy: HE TAKES IT -- >> YEAH. >> Jimmy: -- AND THEN BECOMES
A FAMOUS AUTHOR. >> HE DOES >> Jimmy: ON THE NEW YORK TIMES
BESTSELLER - >> BUT HE CAN'T ENJOY IT BECAUSE HE'S SO WORRIED THAT
SOMEBODY IS GOING TO COME OUT OF THE WOODWORK AND ACCUSE HIM >> Jimmy: YEAH
>> AND THEN, OF COURSE, SOMEBODY DOES. >> Jimmy: HE GETS AN EMAIL
>> HE DOES IT SAYS, "YOU ARE A THIEF. >> YUP
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S ALL I NEEDED."
THAT WAS SUCH A GREAT, FAST, FUN READ I LOVED IT SO MUCH
I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING COMING YOU'RE SO TALENTED YOU'RE WRITING -- YOU'RE
WRITING A BOOK INSIDE OF A A BOOK >> YEP
BIT OF A CHALLENGE >> Jimmy: YEAH >> THANK GOODNESS FOR GOOGLE
SPREADSHEETS >> Jimmy: YEAH, IS THAT WHAT YOU USE?
>> YEAH, I DO. >> Jimmy: ANOTHER THING I THOUGHT WAS FUNNY, BUT YOU -- I
DON'T KNOW IF YOU DID, BUT YOU'VE ACTUALLY BEEN ACCUSED OF STEALING THE IDEA OF THE BOOK.
THE PLOT OF "THE PLOT. >> YEAH. YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SURE IF IT'S
BECAUSE THE BOOK IS ABOUT LITERARY THEFT BUT SINCE THE -- SINCE PEOPLE
STARTED READING IT BACK IN THE SPRING AND I STARTED TO LOOK AT GOOD READS REVIEWS AND AMAZON
REVIEWS, I'VE BEEN JUST AMAZED BY THE RANGE OF THINGS THAT PEOPLE HAVE ACCUSED ME OF
STEALING >> Jimmy: CAN YOU GIVE US SOME EXAMPLES
>> I BROUGHT A LITTLE LIST WITH ME >> Jimmy: YOU DID?
>> A LITTLE LIST >> Jimmy: I LOVE THAT. [ APPLAUSE ]
TELL ME, HOW DID YOU STEAL -- I WANT TO HEAR IT. >> WELL --
>> Jimmy: HOW DO THEY THINK YOU -- >> REMEMBER, THESE ARE JUST THE
HIGHLIGHTS I MEAN, THERE WERE MANY, MANY THINGS
BUT SOMEBODY SELF-PUBLISHED eBOOK CALLED "THE PLOT." I DIDN'T -- DIDN'T READ IT
>> Jimmy: OKAY [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> AN OLD EPISODE OF
"LAW & ORDER." WELL, YOU KNOW, THERE HAVE BEEN EPISODES ABOUT "LAW & ORDER"
ABOUT EVERYTHING, SO I GUESS IT'S POSSIBLE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YES, THEY PROBABLY DID HAVE ONE -- YEAH, AN OLD EPISODE OF "LAW & ORDER.
>> SEASON FOUR OF "RIVERDALE." [ LAUGHTER ] I HAVEN'T WATCHED SEASON FOUR
OF "RIVERDALE," BECAUSE THAT WOULD REQUIRE ME WATCHING SEASONS ONE THROUGH THREE.
>> Jimmy: TWO AND THREE. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ONE IS GREAT
>> THE MOVIE "YESTERDAY" ABOUT THE BEATLES, WHICH I HAVE SEEN IT'S A GREAT MOVIE, BUT I HAVE
NO IDEA WHAT - >> Jimmy: I DON'T SEE THE CORRELATION --
>> I DON'T EITHER. >> Jimmy: BETWEEN THOSE TWO. >> AND, OF COURSE, YOU KNOW,
EVERY SINGLE NOVEL THAT'S EVER BEEN WRITTEN ABOUT WRITERS' PLAGIARIZING OTHER NOVELS.
AND THERE ARE LOTS OF THEM BECAUSE WE ARE OBSESSED WITH PLAGIARISM
[ LAUGHTER ] IT'S SOMETHING THAT, YOU KNOW -- AND THAT'S WHY I'VE
BEEN SO GRATIFIED BY -- BY HOW -- HOW WRITERS HAVE RESPONDED TO THIS BOOK
BECAUSE I FELT WHEN I WROTE IT, THAT I WAS SORT OF, WRITING THIS ONE FOR THE TEAM --
>> Jimmy: YEAH >> THIS ONE WAS FOR US >> Jimmy: GOOD FOR YOU
IT WAS A GREAT - [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THANK YOU SO MUCH WRITING.
YOU ALSO HAVE A NEW BOOK COMING OUT ALREADY. >> I DO.
IT'S COMING OUT OF IN THE SPRING IT'S CALLED "THE LATE COMER.
AND THE COVER WAS JUST REVEALED TODAY, I THINK >> Jimmy: "THE LATE COMER.
BUT HOW DO YOU -- BUT HOW DO YOU -- HOW DO YOU KEEP WRITING ALL OF THESE
>> WELL, I ACTUALLY WROTE A LOT OF "THE LATE COMER" BEFORE "THE PLOT.
I WAS STRUGGLING WITH THIS NOVEL, "THE LATE COMER," AND IN THE MIDDLE OF IT, I GOT THE
IDEA FOR THIS, AND THEN WE HAD THIS PANDEMIC. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HEARD ABOUT
THAT, BUT -- >> Jimmy: YEAH [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
BUT ALSO, WE SHOULD MENTION TOO, "THE UNDOING. YOU KNOW, THE AWESOME
NICOLE KIDMAN, HUGH GRANT, HBO -- YEAH, THAT WAS BASED OFF OF YOUR BOOK
>> IT WAS. IT WAS ALL THOUGH IT TRAVELED -
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: THAT WAS FANTASTIC >> BUT IT TRAVELED VERY FAR
FROM MY BOOK, AND I'M SOMETIMES CONGRATULATED FOR THINGS CONNECTED TO "THE UNDOING" THAT
I'M NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR. AND I WANT TO SAY, "DAVID E. KELLY DID ALL THE
COURTROOM STUFF. MY BOOK DIDN'T HAVE THAT, BUT IT WAS WONDERFUL TO SEE TO WHAT
HE DID WITH IT AND, OF COURSE, IT WAS A GREAT THRILL TO WATCH IT
>> Jimmy: ARE WE GOING TO SEE "THE PLOT" AS A MOVIE OR - >> WELL, IT'S BEEN OPTIONED FOR
TELEVISION, BUT THAT'S LITERALLY THE ONLY THING I'M ALLOWED TO SAY ABOUT IT.
>> Jimmy: THERE YOU GO THERE YOU GO RIGHT THERE, I LOVE IT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONGRATS ON EVERYTHING KEEP IT UP
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE JEAN HANFFF KORELITZ, EVERYBODY!
"THE PLOT" IS AVAILABLE EVERYWHERE BOOKS ARE SOLD. GO TO YOUR BOOKSTORES TO PICK
THIS UP. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH STAND-UP COMEDY FROM
JACKIE FABULOUS. STICK AROUND EVERYBODY THANK YOU, PAL
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * >> Jimmy: OUR NEXT GUEST CAN BE
SEEN AT THE LAS VEGAS LAUGH FACTORY TOMORROW THROUGH SUNDAY
MAKING HER "TONIGHT SHOW" DEBUT, PLEASE WELCOME THE VERY FUNNY JACKIE FABULOUS!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> WHOO!
YOU CAN SIT DOWN SIT DOWN SIT DOWN
IT IS ACTUALLY MY 50th BIRTHDAY [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
YEAH YES. I'VE HAD TWO VERY HUMBLING
EXPERIENCES IN THE LAST YEAR I ALMOST HAD TO GET A JOB, WHOOO!
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] I GOT CLOSE. I HAD AN INTERVIEW WITH
A WOMAN -- I HAVEN'T HAD A JOB SINCE 2010 AND THE LADY INTERVIEWING ME,
SHE'S LIKE, "I SEE YOU HAVEN'T HAD A CORPORATE JOB SINCE 2010 WHAT HAVE BEEN YOU DOING?"
I LEARNED THE WRONG ANSWER IS, "THE BEST I CAN. [ LAUGHTER ]
THEY DON'T LIKE THAT BECAUSE AT MY AGE, I LIKE JOB INTERVIEWS
THEY'RE FUN. I TELL THE TRUTH NOW THEY ALL ASK THE SAME QUESTION
THEY'RE LIKE, "JACKIE, WHAT ARE YOUR WEAKNESSES? WHAT SHOULD YOU WORK AT HARDER
IN LIFE? WHAT ARE YOU WEAK AT?" AND I'M, LIKE, "UH, WORKING.
[ LAUGHTER ] I CAN'T HOLD A JOB DUH, THAT'S WHY I'M HERE."
[ LAUGHTER ] NEXT QUESTION, "JACKIE, WHAT ARE YOU GOOD AT?
WHAT ARE YOUR ASSETS?" I SAID, "SIR, I CAN WORK EIGHT HOURS A DAY, FIVE DAYS A WEEK,
AND NOT DOING A DAMN THING." [ LAUGHTER ] ANYBODY ELSE
SO GOOD. FAVORITE ONE, "WHAT ARE YOUR FIVE YEAR GOALS?
WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN FIVE YEARS?" I'M LIKE, "HOPEFULLY HAVING AN
AFFAIR WITH THE VP SO I AIN'T GOT TO WORK NO MORE. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE EVERY JOB I'VE HAD, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN THE ONLY BLACK GIRL,
SURROUNDED BY WHITE PEOPLE AND I ALWAYS HAD TO BE THREE DIFFERENT WOMEN, EVERY JOB
I'M JACKIE FOR YOU GUYS. MY FAMILY CALLS ME JACQUELINE. I'M ALSO JAQUEESHA, THE BLACK
GIRL FROM THE BRONX WHO COMES OUT AT THE WRONG TIME. [ LAUGHTER ]
I WAS AT A CORPORATE JOB ONCE, AND THEY HAD SECRET SANTA. WHAT'S THE NORMAL AMOUNT
$10? THEY RAISED IT ONE YEAR TO $50 JAQUEESHA JUMPED OUT
I WAS LIKE, "I WISH I WOULD GIVE UP 50 DIANE IS A WHORE
[ LAUGHTER ] I HATE THIS COMPANY. OH, MY GOD
WAS THAT JAQUEESHA HOW'D SHE GET HERE?" [ APPLAUSE ]
MY BAD JAQUEESHA BEEN TO JAIL I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T KNOW. [ LAUGHTER ] MY NEXT HUMBLING EXPERIENCE, I
HAD TO MOVE BACK HOME WITH MY RETIRED JAMAICAN MOTHER. YEAH
AND I HAVE LEARNED THAT SHE IS A LIAR OKAY
EVERYONE'S WORRIED ABOUT HER THEY'RE LIKE, "MISS CAROL, ARE YOU STAYING HOME
ARE BEING NICE AND SAFE? SHE'S LIKE, "BABY GIRL, I'M SO SCARED OF THE COVID I DON'T
LEAVE THE HOUSE. THAT WOMAN IS A LIAR SHE'S GONE EVERY DAY FOR THREE
HOURS. I DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE GOES. SHE COMES BACK WITH TWO
BANANAS, AN APPLE, A MANGO THIS IS NOT ESSENTIAL. WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU
[ LAUGHTER ] I ACCIDENTALLY GOT IN A REALLY SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP WHEN THE
PANDEMIC STARTED YEAH 'CAUSE THEY WERE LIKE, "YOU
CAN'T DATE." AND I'M NOT GOING TO BE ALONE FOR A YEAR
SOMEBODY LOVE ME SO I FOUND SOMEONE, WHO I'VE KNOWN FOR A LONG TIME.
I TOLD HIM SO MANY LIES TO MAKE HIM THINK I'M THE QUARANTINE WIFE YOU WANT.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] I SAID, "LOOK, I'M A DOMESTIC GODDESS.
I COOK ALL MY MEALS FROM SCRATCH. I EVEN GROW MY OWN VEGETABLES.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] SOMEHOW I FOUND A MAN WHO ACTUALLY DOES COOK AND GARDEN.
HE HAD A WHOLE THING PREPARED. HE WAS LIKE, "YOU AND I SHOULD GARDEN TOGETHER.
HE HAD TWO PACKS OF GREENS THAT HAD THE ROOTS, AND TOLD ME -- HEY!
AND TOLD ME, "TAKE ONE HOME. [ LAUGHTER ] HA-HA.
TOLD ME TAKE ONE -- HE SAID, "TAKE ONE HOME AND PLANT YOURS, AND I'LL PLANT MINE.
AND WE CAN WATCH THEM GROW TOGETHER AS A COUPLE." [ AUDIENCE AWS ]
I WAS, LIKE, "OH, MY GOD GARDEN I LIED TO YOU.
I'D RATHER DIE LOOK AT THESE NAILS! [ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ] OKAY?" I BARELY HAVE THE STRENGTH TO
TAKE A SHOWER ON FRIDAYS DURING THE PANDEMIC I'M NOT GOING TO PLANT
ASPARAGUS. [ LAUGHTER ] BECAUSE HE WANTS US TO BE
MARTHA STEWART AND SNOOP DOGG. GUESS WHAT HE'S MARTHA.
I'M SNOOP. I DON'T DO ANY OF THAT [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
THAT WAS A LIE NOW IT'S TIME TO TACKLE SOME OF MY PANDY WEIGHT.
PANORAMIC WEIGHT LITTLE CHUNKY MONKEY I WAS BEFORE, BUT NOW IT'S
REALLY A PROBLEM NOBODY SHOULD BE SADDER WHEN THIS IS OVER MORE THAN WHITE
WOMEN. THE WAY YOU WOMEN STARTED BAKING LIKE CONVICTS ON TIKTOK
[ LAUGHTER ] OKAY, THE ZUCCHINI BREAD, THE BANANA BREAD, THE BANANAS YOU
SAVED, THE SOURDOUGH THE SIZE OF MY HEAD WHY?
AND THEN I'M FOLLOWING STACY'S RECIPES ON TIKTOK AND SHE AIN'T GAINING NO WEIGHT.
GO TO HELL, STACY. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OKAY
I GREW A THIRD BREAST DURING THIS PANDEMIC. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND IT'S MADE OF SOURDOUGH, OKAY [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
WITH ALL OF MY HUMBLING, YOU NOW, I HAD ONE THING THAT'S REALLY HUMBLING, I'M LIVING IN
THE SAME CHILDHOOD BEDROOM THAT I GREW UP IN YEAH, SAME ROOM.
THE FIRST ORGASM I EVER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE WAS IN THIS BEDROOM.
AND THAT WAS ALONE THEN TOO. SO LIFE IS FULL CIRCLE [ LAUGHTER ]
STAY HUMBLE. REMEMBER WHERE YOU COME FROM I'M JACKIE FABULOUS, GUYS.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOSH. I LOVE THAT. HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
JACKIE FABULOUS! THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
SEE HER AT THE LAS VEGAS LAUGH FACTORY THIS WEEKEND MY THANKS TO BILLY CRYSTAL,
KATIE LEDECKY, JEAN HANFF KORELITZ. JACKIE FABULOUS, ONCE AGAIN!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THE BIRTHDAY GIRL. AND ROOTS RIGHT THERE FROM
PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THANK YOU FOR WATCHING
STAY TUNED FOR "LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS. GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.