>> Steve: FROM STUDIO 6B IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER IN THE HEART
OF NEW YORK CITY, IT'S "THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON."
TONIGHT, JOIN JIMMY AND HIS GUESTS - MICHAEL STRAHAN,
TIG NOTARO COMEDIAN EMMY BLOTNICK AND FEATURING THE LEGENDARY
ROOTS CREW >> Questlove: 1444 >> Steve: AND NOW, HERE HE IS,
JIMMY FALLON
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: OH MY GOODNESS
THAT FEELS GOOD. I LOVE YOU THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYONE.
WELCOME. PLEASE HAVE A SEAT WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME TO
"THE TONIGHT SHOW. YOU'RE HERE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THANK YOU FOR WATCHING LET'S GET TO SOME NEWS WELL, GUYS, THIS IS EXCITING
AS OF TODAY ALL AMERICANS 16 AND OLDER ARE NOW ELIGIBLE FOR THE COVID VACCINE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * AND YET THE BIGGEST THING
TRENDING ONLINE TODAY WAS THIS
>> McDONALD'S PARTNERING WITH POPULAR KOREAN POP BAND BTS.
THE CELEBRITY MEAL GOES ON SALE NEXT MONTH THE MEAL FEATURES TEN PIECE
CHICKEN NUGGETS, MEDIUM FRIES AND A COKE THE FAST FOOD CHAIN ALSO
DEBUTING TWO NEW DIPPING SAUCES >> Jimmy: JUST SO THERE'S NO
CONFUSION, YOU GET YOUR BTS ORDER AT McDONALD'S AND YOU GET YOUR IBS ORDER AT WHITE CASTLE
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Steve: OH >> Jimmy: THIS IS ODD, BUT MY
NICKNAME AT MY LOCAL McDONALD'S IS BTS CAUSE WHENEVER I ORDER THEY THINK IT'S FOR SEVEN
PEOPLE "GIVE ME A NUMBER THREE, AND UH -
YOU GUYS STILL MAKING PANCAKES I MIGHT THROW A COUPLE OF THOSE IN THERE."
>> Steve: "WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHAT DID YOU WANT? >> Jimmy: DOING DIFFERENT
VOICES >> Steve: "I'LL HAVE THREE SMALL --" >> Jimmy: "I WOULD
LIKE TO GET A BIG MAC. >> Steve: "HE WANTS A BIG MAC, TOO.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S MY RUSSIAN BUDDY. >> Steve: "AND SOME FRIES!
>> Jimmy: OF COURSE, ADDING THE BTS NAME TO McDONALD'S WILL DRUM UP A LOT OF BUSINESS, BUT
IF BTS REALLY WANTS TO IMPRESS ME, THEY'LL PUT THEIR NAME ON THE JOHNSON & JOHNSON VACCINE.
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. >> Steve: YEAH [ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: WELL GUYS, NOW THAT THE VACCINE IS OPEN TO ALL
AMERICANS 16 AND OLDER, THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION IS TRYING TO GET THE WORD OUT.
WATCH THIS
A MEDIA BLITZ TODAY TO PROMOTE THE VACCINE.
>> YOU'RE GOING TO BE SEEING DR. FAUCI ON UNLIKELY FORUMS SUCH AS SNAPCHAT AND THE
ADMINISTRATION IS ALSO GONNA BE USING FACEBOOK AND TWITTER TO SEND PUSH NOTIFICATIONS TO
AMERICANS TO LET THEM KNOW THAT IT'S THEIR TURN TO GET VACCINATED
>> Jimmy: SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT YOUR IDEA TO GET KIDS
VACCINATED IS PUTTING AN 80-YEAR-OLD SCIENTIST ON TIKTOK
[ LAUGHTER ] GOOD LUCK. YOU KNOW BIDEN'S OLD WHEN HE'S
LIKE, "WE NEED SOMEONE YOUNG AND HIP FOR THE SNAPCHAT VIDEOS
HOW ABOUT THAT KID, DR. FAUCI? MEANWHILE I READ THAT A LOT OF SINGLES HAVE BEEN MEETING WHILE
WAITING IN LINE TO GET THEIR VACCINES [ AUDIENCE OOHS
THAT'S REALLY SWEET UNTIL THAT MOMENT WHEN THE MASKS COME OFF WE'RE GOOD
YOU KNOW SOMEONE DIDN'T LIKE YOU WHEN THEY SKIPPED THEIR
SECOND DOSE JUST TO AVOID SEEING YOU AGAIN [ LAUGHTER ]
TODAY ONE GUY IN RITE AID WAS LIKE, CARE TO CONTINUE THIS OVER BY THE BLOOD PRESSURE
MACHINE? [ LAUGHTER ] ALL I KNOW IS WE'RE PROBABLY
DAYS AWAY FROM THE NEW HALLMARK MOVIE, MODERNA LOVE. [ LAUGHTER ]
WELL THIS IS EXCITING. EARLY THIS MORNING NASA MADE HISTORY ON MARS.
CHECK IT OUT
ANOTHER HISTORIC ACCOMPLISHMENT ON THE RED PLANET, SUCCESSFULLY
FLYING A MINI HELICOPTER ON MARS IT'S THE FIRST EVER POWERED
FLIGHT ON ANOTHER PLANET >> Jimmy: THAT'S RIGHT A LITTLE HELICOPTER DETACHED
FROM A ROVER AND NOW THEY'RE BOTH EXPLORING MARS. OR AS PIXAR PUT IT, "SOLD!
[ LAUGHTER ] THE FLIGHT LASTED A TOTAL OF 30 SECONDS
THE MEN ON THE TEAM SAID IT WAS A COMPLETE SUCCESS WHILE THE WOMEN AGREED SO THEY WOULDN'T
HURT ANYONE'S FEELINGS [ LAUGHTER ] I SAW THAT -
>> Steve: WOW. >> Jimmy: I SAW THAT TINDER -- I SAW THAT TINDER USERS CAN GET
FREE LESSONS ON THE LANGUAGE APP DUOLINGO SO THEY CAN MEET OTHER INTERNATIONAL SINGLES.
IT'S AMAZING THE PROGRAM TEACHES YOU HOW TO SAY "YOU UP?" IN 40 DIFFERENT
LANGUAGES. [ LAUGHTER ] WELL GUYS, BIG SPORTS NEWS FROM
OVERSEAS SOME OF THE WORLD'S BEST SOCCER CLUBS MADE A PRETTY
CONTROVERSIAL DECISION LISTEN TO THIS
>> 12 OF EUROPE'S TOP CLUBS
HAVE ANNOUNCED PLANS TO FORM A A SUPER LEAGUE SOME OF THE WEALTHIEST AND MOST
SUCCESSFUL TEAMS FROM ENGLAND, SPAIN AND ITALY SAY THEY PLAN TO FORM AN EXCLUSIVE NEW LEAGUE
WHERE THEY WILL COMPETE ONLY AMONGST THEMSELVES >> Jimmy: RIGHT NOW AMERICA IS
THINKING, "WHATEVER. WHILE EUROPE'S LIKE, "FORGET THE VIRUS.
THIS IS THE BIGGEST THREAT FACING THE WORLD." [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
YEP, THIS IS A BIG DEAL FOR EUROPEANS AND YOUR ANNOYING FRIEND WHO WEARS A SOCCER
JERSEY TO SATURDAY BRUNCH. [ LAUGHTER ] BUT THIS IS STRANGE.
TO HELP PROMOTE THE NEW SOCCER LEAGUE, THEY'RE SENDING DR. FAUCI ON TO SNAPCHAT
>> Steve: REALLY >> Jimmy: YEAH, EXACTLY. >> Steve: WOW!
>> Jimmy: SOME POLITICAL NEWS, A NEW POLL SHOWS MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY IS LEADING
GOVERNOR GREG ABBOTT BY 12 POINTS IN A HYPOTHETICAL MATCH-UP FOR GOVERNOR OF TEXAS
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I LIKE IT. WHEN ASKED IF HE'S ACTUALLY
GOING TO RUN FOR OFFICE, McCONAUGHEY SAID, I MIGHT, I MIGHT, I MIGHT
[ LAUGHTER ] THAT'S RIGHT McCONAUGHEY IS LEADING THE
POLLS, BETWEEN THAT AND 4/20, THIS IS BEST WEEK OF HIS LIFE, MAYBE.
THIS ALL MAKES SENSE CAUSE PEOPLE IN TEXAS WILL ALWAYS SUPPORT THE PARTY OF LINCOLN
CORRECT. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> Steve: NICE, NICE, NICE
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU, HIGGINS HISTORIAN. >> Steve: YEP.
>> Jimmy: SO YOU APPRECIATE THAT HUMOR >> Steve: I APPRECIATE -- I
APPRECIATE THAT. ALSO, HE DID "THE LINCOLN LAWYER" TOO.
SO YOU GOT TWO LINCOLNS. >> Jimmy: THAT'S RIGHT I HEARD HE'S REPRISING HIS
ROLE >> Steve: IS HE REALLY >> Jimmy: MM-HMM
>> Steve: AS WHAT? >> Jimmy: THE SAME LAWYER. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Steve: NICER CAR. >> Jimmy: SOME ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
IT WAS JUST ANNOUNCED THAT A A SECOND "DOWNTON ABBEY" MOVIE IS HITTING THEATERS LATER THIS
YEAR THEY'VE ACTUALLY COME UP WITH A GREAT NAME FOR THE "DOWNTON
ABBEY" SEQUEL. "PRUDE BRIDGERTON. [ LAUGHTER ]
WELL, THIS IS CREEPY RETAILERS ARE SELLING A REALISTIC MUSCULAR BODY SUIT
FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO LOOK FIT THIS SUMMER WITHOUT HAVING TO HIT THE GYM.
LOOK AT THAT THING [ LAUGHTER ] ISN'T THAT BIZARRE
IMAGINE YOU'RE ABOUT TO TAKE THINGS FURTHER AND YOUR GUY IS LIKE, "HOLD ON
I'VE JUST GOT TO TAKE OFF MY RUBBER SKIN SUIT FIRST." [ LAUGHTER ]
THE SUIT COSTS MORE THAN $100, AND THEY'RE HARDER TO GET OUT OF THAN A PLANET FITNESS
MEMBERSHIP [ LAUGHTER ] AND FINALLY, OVER THE WEEKEND,
TSA AGENTS IN HOUSTON FOUND CRYSTAL METH IN A TRAVELER'S BURRITO.
I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS YOU GET A BURRITO WITH BEANS, CHEESE, AND CRYSTAL METH WHEN
YOU ACTUALLY ORDERED A BURRITO WITH BEANS, CHEESE AND CRACK [ LAUGHTER ]
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE GIVE IT UP FOR THE ROOTS,
EVERYBODY! *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Steve: OH >> Jimmy: HEY, WELCOME BACK! IT IS MONDAY
WE'RE SO EXCITED TO BE BACK. WE HAVE AN AMAZING WEEK OF SHOWS.
AHEAD, JANE FONDA WILL BE HERE [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Steve: OH
>> Jimmy: KEVIN BACON WILL BE HERE >> Steve: OH
>> Jimmy: ANNA KENDRICK WILL BE HERE AND WE HAVE A PERFORMANCE FROM ALANIS MORISSETTE
THIS IS A BIG WEEK [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Steve: OH FUN
>> Jimmy: BUT FIRST, WE HAVE A A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT JOINING US IN STUDIO, HE
CO-HOSTS "GOOD MORNING AMERICA" AND HIS NEW CLOTHING LINE MSX BY MICHAEL STRAHAN IS AVAILABLE
NOW. MICHAEL STRAHAN IS HERE! >> Steve: COME ON!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: HE'S ONE OF THE BEST DUDES OF ALL TIME.
WE'RE SO PSYCHED EVERY TIME HE COMES ON HE'S GREAT.
ARE YOU GUYS FRIENDS THE ROOTS, ARE YOU GUYS -- YOU FRIENDS WITH STRAHAN OR MAYBE?
>> Tariq: ABSOLUTELY >> Questlove: YEAH >> Jimmy: YEAH
>> Questlove: YEAH >> Jimmy: THERE WAS A PHILADELPHIA -- IT WAS A
A EAGLES-GIANTS RIVALRY WHEN MICHAEL WOULD COME ON. >> Steve: RIGHT, THEY DON'T
ENJOY THAT >> Jimmy: YEAH THE ROOTS --
>> Steve: IT'S A SPORTS THING. >> Jimmy: YEAH, YEAH YEAH, YEAH
BUT NOW THEY'RE -- >> Tariq: WE'RE COOL >> Jimmy: WOW.
>> Questlove: YEAH >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT. PLUS NEW EPISODES OF HER
PODCAST, "DON'T ASK TIG" ARE AVAILABLE WEDNESDAYS TIG NOTARO IS ON THE SHOW!
>> Steve: OH [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: I LOVE TIG TOO
AND WE HAVE GREAT STAND-UP DO YOU REMEMBER EMMY BLOTNICK? >> Steve: I DO
>> Jimmy: USED TO WORK FOR "LATE NIGHT" AND WRITE FOR OUR SHOW, AND LOOK AT HER NOW.
SHE'S CRUSHING IT IN THE STAND-UP WORLD EMMY BLOTNICK IS HERE IN
STUDIO [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I'VE STILL GOT -
>> Steve: YOU GOT THE LOWER BACK >> Jimmy: I GOT THE LOWER BACK
PAIN >> Steve: DID YOU TRY GETTING THE TATTOO OR NO
>> Jimmy: YEAH I GOT A LOWER -- I GOT A A TATTOO
IT DIDN'T HELP AT ALL. BUT I HAVE HAD THIS LOWER BACK PAIN FOR A WHILE NOW
AND IT'S NOT REALLY GOING AWAY I'M DOING THE STRETCHING >> Steve: RIGHT.
>> Jimmy: STRETCHING AND ALL THAT STUFF THAT'S NOT MY --
WELL, THAT'S ONE OF MY STRETCHES. >> Steve: RIGHT.
>> Jimmy: BUT I'M DOING COBRA. >> Steve: RIGHT. >> Jimmy: YOU KNOW -
>> Steve: DOWNWARD DOG >> Jimmy: I'M DOING CAT AND COW.
>> Steve: YEP. >> Jimmy: YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING
ANYTHING THAT STARTS WITH A C, I'M DOING IT AND THEN SOMEBODY TOLD ME TO
READ A BOOK, "HEALING BACK PAIN" BY JOHN SARNO, HE'S A DOCTOR
AND SO I STARTED LISTENING TO THAT AND HE'S SAYING THAT LOWER BACK PAIN IS A LOT MENTAL.
YEAH AND HE SAID THAT -- AND HE SAID -- I'M LISTENING TO IT.
I'M HALFWAY THROUGH IT NOW AND HE SAID THAT A LOT OF NARCISSISTS GET LOWER BACK
PAIN [ LAUGHTER ] [ CYMBAL CRASH ]
MY WIFE WAS LIKE, "WAIT --" >> Steve: YOU SHOULD KEEP READING >> Jimmy: YEAH
>> Steve: SO YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU THINK THIS BOOK IS ABOUT YOU?
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: I DIDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT THAT WAY.
YEAH I WAS LIKE, I DON'T KNOW IF I'M READY FOR THIS BOOK.
BUT -- SO I'M GOING TO DO MORE MEDITATION >> Steve: OH, GOOD
>> Jimmy: I GUESS, RIGHT YEAH I DON'T KNOW
>> Steve: I LOVE MEDITATION. >> Jimmy: DO YOU DO THAT - >> Steve: I DO IT EVERY --
>> Jimmy: DO YOU STILL DO THAT BREATHING GUY? >> Steve: EVERY DAY.
WHAT'S THAT? >> Jimmy: THE BREATHING GUY? REMEMBER
YOU TOLD ME TO - >> Steve: OH, OH WIM HOF?
>> Jimmy: YEAH YEAH >> NO, I DON'T
I'M TOO LAZY FOR THAT. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: YEAH
>> Steve: MEDITATION, I'M GOOD, CAUSE I DON'T DO ANYTHING. >> Jimmy: I TRIED THAT THING
ONCE THAT THING YOU TOLD ME, WIM HOF.
HAVE YOU TRIED THAT, TARIQ >> Tariq: VIM -- >> Jimmy: NO, NO, NO
YOU DON'T SAY VIM HOF. [ LAUGHTER ] IT'S THE GUY'S NAME.
>> Steve: WHO CLIMBED MOUNT EVEREST WITH NO OXYGEN >> Jimmy: HE CLIMBED MOUNT
EVEREST WITH NO OXYGEN AND HE LIKE - >> Steve: THE COLD GUY, YOU
KNOW THAT DUDE >> Tariq: IF YOU'RE GOING TO DO MEDITATION, YOU GOT TO GO TO
DR. JOE. JOE DISPENZA >> Questlove: JOE DISPENZA
>> Tariq: YEAH >> Jimmy: JOE DISPENZA >> Questlove: THAT'S THE GUY
>> Tariq: HE'S THE GUY >> Jimmy: WHAT >> Tariq: THAT'S THE GUY
>> Jimmy: JOE DISPENZA >> Tariq: THAT'S THE GUY >> Steve: NO, I WENT TO
BOB ROTH THAT'S THE GUY [ LAUGHTER ]
BOB ROTH - >> Jimmy: BOB ROSS, THE PAINTER?
>> Steve: NO, BOB ROTH YOU'RE THINKING OF BOB ROSS, THE PAINTER.
>> Jimmy: NO, I WENT TO A GUY CALLED "WAKING UP. THAT'S THE GUY I -- THAT'S THE
APP I -- >> Tariq: YEAH, THAT'S NOT -- THAT'S THE WRONG GUY
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: REALLY >> Tariq: YEAH
>> Jimmy: JOE -- WHAT'S HIS NAME >> Together: JOE DISPENZA.
>> Jimmy: JOE DISPENZA >> Steve: IS HE A PHILLY GUY >> Tariq: NO
>> Questlove: NO, HE'S WORLDWIDE. HE'S THE GUY
TRUST ME >> Jimmy: JOE DISPENZA >> Questlove: TRUST ME
>> Tariq: JOE DISPENZA >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT. I'M DOING JOE DISPENZA
>> Steve: IS HE EXPENSIVE? CAUSE YOU GONNA SPENDZA THE MONEY.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: ANYWAY - >> Steve: THANK YOU.
>> Jimmy: SINCE I'VE BEEN INSULTED BY THIS BOOK, I'VE FELT A LITTLE BETTER
[ LAUGHTER ] SO MAYBE THAT'S MY WAY TO CURING MY LOWER BACK PAIN, BUT
I'M GOING TO TEST MY BACK TONIGHT CAUSE WE HAVE A PHYSICAL CHALLENGE WITH ME
AND MICHAEL STRAHAN. [ AUDIENCE OOHS YOU'LL SEE
I'M ACTUALLY PSYCHED ABOUT THIS BTS McDONALD'S THING BY THE WAY.
I THINK IT'S A GOOD MOVE I LIKE A GOOD COLLAB >> Steve: I THINK IT'S GOOD.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, IF I HAD MY McDONALD'S MEAL, THE JIMMY FALLON, IT'D BE
A CHEESEBURGER - >> Steve: RIGHT. >> Jimmy: WITH FRENCH FIRES
ALREADY ON THE BURGER. >> Steve: OOH. >> Jimmy: AND THEN A LITTLE BIT
EXTRA KETCHUP CAUSE I THINK THEY COULD USE JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE
>> Steve: JUST A SCOOCH. >> Jimmy: JUST A SCOOCH. >> Steve: YEAH
>> Jimmy: JUST A HALF A PUMP LIKE A -- PUMP [ FART NOISES
STOP DOING THAT SOUND. [ LAUGHTER ] BUT YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
THAT IS WHAT I WOULD DO. I WOULDN'T HAVE ANY SOUND EFFECTS.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> Steve: C'MON, JUST PRESS IT ONE MORE TIME.
>> Jimmy: I DON'T WANT TO KNOW HOW IT'S MADE OR WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE WHEN YOU'RE MAKING IT
[ FART ] [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: BUT THEN YOU GET
THAT AND THEN THROW IN A MEDIUM FRY JUST CAUSE IT'S FUN TO HAVE
FRIES THERE. >> Steve: RIGHT. >> Jimmy: AND THEN YOUR SOFT
DRINK OF CHOICE. >> Steve: OH, YOU CAN CHOOSE >> Jimmy: YEAH
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE TOLD WHAT - >> Steve: RIGHT, RIGHT
YOU THINK PEOPLE ARE GROWN UP ENOUGH, THEY CAN CHOOSE THEIR OWN SOFT DRINKS.
>> Jimmy: YEAH YEAH THAT'S NOT PART OF MY MEAL
>> Steve: RIGHT, NO. >> Jimmy: THERE'S FREEDOM IN MY MEAL
YOU GET THE FRENCH FRIES, OF COURSE, THEY'RE SHOVED ON TO THE SANDWICH OF COURSE
>> Steve: RIGHT, SO YOU HAVE NO CHOICE - >> Jimmy: AND THE KETCHUP.
YOU HAVE NO CHOICE IN THAT MATTER AND THEN YOU HAVE MEDIUM FIRES
THERE'S NO CHOICE IN THAT UNLESS YOU WANT TO SUPER SIZE IT OR GO LARGE, BUT I THINK
MEDIUM IS LARGE ENOUGH >> Steve: CAUSE YOU GOT FRIES ALREADY ON THE SANDWICH.
>> Jimmy: IT'S ALREADY ON THE SANDWICH >> Steve: YEAH
>> Jimmy: YEAH AND I CALL A HAMBURGER A A SANDWICH, OF COURSE.
>> Steve: YEAH TWO PIECES OF BREAD. YEAH, SURE
>> Jimmy: YEAH SURE WHY NOT?
TARIQ, WHAT WOULD BE IN YOUR SPECIAL MEAL >> Tariq: HUH?
>> Jimmy: WHAT WOULD BE IN YOUR SPECIAL MEAL >> Tariq: I'D HAVE TO GO WITH
WHAT I ORDER EVERY TIME, A BIG MAC, REGULAR FRIES - >> Jimmy: SURE
>> Tariq: AND YOU DO A McFLURRY WITH THE OREOS AND M & Ms MIXED TOGETHER
>> Jimmy: OH, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD THE AUDIENCE LIKE'S THAT
[ CHEERS ] QUEST, HOW ABOUT YOU WHAT'S YOUR MEAL
>> Questlove: ME, I GO WITH THEIR BREAKFAST MENU LIKE I'LL DO A EGG McMUFFIN AND
I'LL DO TWO HASHBROWNS WITH BARBECUE SAUCE ON THE SIDE [ CHEERS ]
>> Jimmy: THAT SOUNDS FUN. THAT'S INTERESTING I LIKE THAT A LOT.
HOW ABOUT YOU, HIGGINS WHAT'S YOUR SPECIAL ORDER? >> Steve: OH, YOU'RE GONNA LOVE
THIS YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS
FIRST I ORDER THOSE LITTLE APPLE SLICES, YOU KNOW, THAT COMES IN THE BAG IN THE KIDS
MEALS. >> Jimmy: YEAH, SURE >> Steve: THEN I ORDER ANOTHER
SECOND BAG OF THOSE LITTLE APPLE SLICES >> Jimmy: IS THAT IT
>> Steve: NO THEN I ORDER A PIPING HOT McCAFE COFFEE.
>> Jimmy: UH-HUH >> Steve: AND AS THEY HAND IT TO ME, I ACCIDENTALLY SPILL IT
ALL OVER MYSELF -- >> Jimmy: YEP. >> Steve: BURNING MYSELF VERY
BADLY AND I THREATEN TO SUE THEM UNLESS THEY GIVE ME A A THIRD BAG OF THOSE LITTLE
APPLE SLICES THEN AFTER THAT -- >> Jimmy: OKAY
>> Steve: I ORDER WAFFLES. AND THEN WHEN THEY GO, "HEY, WE DON'T HAVE WAFFLES."
I ASK FOR THREE MORE BAGS OF THOSE LITTLE APPLE SLICES. [ LAUGHTER ]
MMM, SO GOOD >> Jimmy: WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS
>> Steve: THEN, ONCE I HAVE MY APPLE SLICES IN THE ORDER. RIGHT?
I ASK FOR A LARGE COKE >> Jimmy: OH, THERE YOU GO AT LEAST THAT'S A NORMAL THING
TO ORDER >> Steve: I DUMP OUT THE COKE, RUN ACROSS THE STREET TO TACO
BELL, FILL IT UP WITH MOUNTAIN DEW BAJA BLAST AND IF THE PEOPLE AT THE BELL
START YELLING AT ME, I JUST TELL THEM I'M AN UNDERCOVER FBI AGENT.
WORKS LIKE THREE OUT OF TEN TIMES, THEY LET IT SLIDE YOU KNOW
[ LAUGHTER ] THAT'S WHY I CALL THAT THE HIGGINS SPECIAL.
>> Jimmy: SOUNDS DISGUSTING. >> Steve: REALLY WELL, IF IT'S SO DISGUSTING,
WHY IS THERE A JINGLE TO IT? [ LAUGHTER ] *
* IT'S A BUNCH OF APPLE SLICES AND A STOLEN
MOUNTAIN DEW * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: I'M STILL NOT GONNA
EAT IT STICK AROUND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
"TONIGHT SHOW," EVERYBODY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK I'M ABOUT TO PLAY A BRAND NEW GAME CALLED "GOLF PONG," WHICH
IS WHY I'M STANDING ON ASTRO TURF FACING SIX GIANT CUPS OF BEER
NOW, I'M GOING TO NEED A A COMPETITOR WORTHY OF THE GOLF PONG COURSE.
SO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME THE ONE AND ONLY MICHAEL STRAHAN!
* >> WHAT'S UP, WHAT'S UP, WHAT'S UP
>> Jimmy: THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. >> WHAT'S UP, FELLAS
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, HERE'S HOW THE GAME WORKS WE'RE GOING TO TAKE TURNS
TRYING TO HIT GOLF BALLS INTO THOSE GIANT RED CUPS IF YOU MAKE A SHOT, YOUR
OPPONENT HAS TO CHUG A BEER. FIRST ONE TO MAKE THREE SHOTS WINS
MICHAEL, YOU'RE MY GUEST, SO YOU CAN GO FIRST >> OKAY.
LET'S SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT HERE. >> Jimmy: I'M A LITTLE WORRIED [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* >> WHOA! >> Jimmy: FIRST SHOT
>> OKAY. GO AHEAD [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* >> WILL I DRINK OR WON'T I DRINK?
THAT IS THE QUESTION >> Jimmy: YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO. >> YOU'RE GOING TO PRACTICE SWING ON A GAME?
>> Jimmy: I HAVE A BAD LOWER BACK [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
[ CYMBAL CRASH ] [ AUDIENCE AWS ] >> A LITTLE TOO MUCH
>> Jimmy: WORKING OUT A LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH >> WORDS YOU NEVER HEARD
BEFORE A LITTLE TOO MUCH. >> Jimmy: WOW!
UNBELIEVABLE UNBELIEVABLE UNBELIEVABLE
* >> OH, JIMMY >> Jimmy: I TOLD YOU THIS.
I TOLD THE PRODUCER, THEY SAID, "DUDE, THIS IS GOING TO TAKE A A LONG TIME.
I GO, "NO, YOU'VE NEVER SEEN STRAHAN. HE'S AWESOME."
>> COME ON, YOU'VE GOT THIS MAN. I WANT TO DRINK.
I WANT TO DRINK SOMETHING. >> Jimmy: I KNOW, I KNOW *
IT'S LIKE BEER MIXED WITH WHITE CLAW >> YOU CAN DO IT
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, BUDDY >> COME ON, MAN. YOU GOT IT
[ AUDIENCE AWS ] >> Jimmy: JUST GIVE ME ONE MORE
>> YOU NEED ONE MORE >> Jimmy: HERE WE GO [ AUDIENCE AWS ]
OH GOD ARE YOU GOING TO JUST WIN RIGHT HERE
THIS IS IT YOU JUST CRUSHED ME IN THIS, MAN.
LIKE LAST TIME WE PLAYED AND YOU SANK THAT PUCK OH, MY GOD
COME ON NOW. IF THAT WENT IN -- [ AUDIENCE AWS ]
>> IF I WOULD HAVE MADE THAT - >> Jimmy: THEN I WOULD HAVE TO RETIRE
WHAT AM I -- OH, MY GOD, DON'T LAUGH. WHEN YOU LAUGH LIKE THAT, I
KNOW THAT MEANS YOU'RE GOING TO WIN. HOLD ON.
>> GO AHEAD, MAN MAKE ME DRINK ONE. >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, THIS ONE,
HERE WE GO ARE YOU READY? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
[ AUDIENCE AWS ] THERE'S TOO MUCH POWER THERE'S TOO MUCH POWER
>> YOU NEED MORE FINESSE >> Jimmy: MAYBE I HAVE TO MOVE MY GLASS BACK.
>> IT'S LIKE FINESSE YOU'VE GOT TO FINESSE. >> Jimmy: MY FINESSE
>> HERE WE GO. >> Jimmy: YOU CRUSHED ME IN THIS
COME ON. >> TOO MUCH! >> ALL RIGHT
SO TOO MUCH. HERE WE GO I'M GOING TO -- HAPPY GILMORE
INTO IT. THAT WAS WHAT I DID THERE? >> HOW DID THAT WORK OUT FOR
YOU? >> Jimmy: NO, IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.
>> HERE WE GO. LAST ONE HERE. >> Jimmy: YES, GOOD!
I LOVE THAT -- THAT'S IT THAT'S ALL I NEEDED TO MOTIVATE ME
HERE WE GO [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE MY GOD
>> AM I JUST DRINKING BECAUSE I WANT TO? >> Jimmy: YES, YES
SEE, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. THAT'S WHAT I'M --
THAT BALL CAME BACK TO ME. HERE WE GO MAYBE IF I PUT THE BALL FURTHER
BACK HERE IN THE FAKE GRASS. >> YOU HAVE ALL THESE THEORIES AS TO WHAT'S WRONG
OH >> Jimmy: MY BALL KEEPS COMING BACK TO ME
DO I GET POINTS FOR THAT >> ALL RIGHT, JIMMY. >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, THIS IS
IT GOSH DARN IT OH, MY GOSH!
* [ DING ] [ DING ]
NOT MY DAY NOT MY DAY
COME ON! SERIOUS? COME ON.
MICHAEL STRAHAN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE MICHAEL STRAHAN, EVERYBODY
HIS NEW CLOTHING LINE, MSX BY MICHAEL STRAHAN IS AVAILABLE NOW AT MEN'S WEARHOUSE AND
MOORES NATIONWIDE AND ONLINE AT MSXBYMICHAELSTRAHAN.COM. WE'RE CHATTING MORE WITH
MICHAEL AFTER THE BREAK. STICK AROUND *
>> Jimmy: OUR FIRST GUEST IS ONE OF THE CO-HOSTS OF "GOOD MORNING AMERICA.
HE ALSO HAS A NEW CLOTHING LINE CALLED MSX BY MICHAEL STRAHAN. HERE HE IS, THE ONE AND ONLY
MICHAEL STRAHAN!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
>> Jimmy: IT IS GREAT TO SEE YOU.
YOU ARE THE BEST THANK YOU. YOU JUST CRUSHED ME YET AGAIN
AT GOLF. >> WE HAD FUN. WE HAD A LOT OF FUN.
>> I REALLY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO LOSE. CAUSE YOU'RE GOOD.
>> Jimmy: NO I WAS NOT GOOD AT ALL. THAT WAS TERRIBLE.
THAT WAS AWFUL I DIDN'T GET ONE IN AT ALL IT WAS TERRIBLE.
>> WE CAN EDIT IT. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: BUDDY, I WANT TO TALK
TO YOU ABOUT A BUNCH OF THINGS BUT FIRST, THE NFL DRAFT IS COMING UP APRIL 29th, AND WHAT
GOES THROUGH, SINCE YOU'VE DONE THIS, WHAT GOES THROUGH YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU'RE KNOWING THAT
YOU'RE GOING TO GET DRAFTED TO A TEAM >> WELL, YOU HOPE.
LIKE, YOU HOPE YOU GET DRAFTED UNLESS YOU'RE TREVOR LAWRENCE, YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU'RE
GOING TO GO. YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO GO JACKSONVILLE, BUT OTHER THAN
THAT YOU JUST HOPE YOU'RE GOING TO GET DRAFTED YOU'RE PRAYING YOU CAN MAKE
ENOUGH MONEY SO YOU DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS ANYMORE.
BUT THEN WHEN YOU GET DRAFTED, IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU'VE MADE IT.
I THINK THAT'S WHAT A LOT OF YOUNG PLAYERS GET MIXED UP THEY THINK I GOT DRAFTED
I'VE MADE IT LET ME GO GET THE CAR, THE JEWELRY, AND EVERYTHING ELSE
THAT COMES WITH IT NO, THAT'S JUST YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO BE IN THE NFL
YOU KNOW, YOU HAVEN'T MADE IT. THAT'S WHEN YOUR WORK REALLY STARTS
BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T PUT IN THE WORK, YOU WON'T BE THERE LONG. FOOTBALL CAREERS, EVEN WHEN
THEY ARE LONG, LIKE MINE, I RETIRED AT 36. YOU'VE GOT A LONG LIFE TO LIVE
AFTERWARDS, HOPEFULLY. SO YOU GOT TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR MONEY.
SAVE YOUR MONEY, KIDS. SAVE YOUR MONEY. >> Jimmy: YEAH, EXACTLY.
>> AND PUT IN ALL THE WORK, AND YOU GET OUT OF IT WHAT YOU PUT INTO IT.
PLAIN AND SIMPLE >> Jimmy: WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER ABOUT THE FIRST DAY, GOING INTO
THE LOCKER ROOM FOR THE GIANTS, OR COMING TO NEW YORK? WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER
>> I WAS SCARED AS HELL. I WAS SCARED >> Jimmy: REALLY
>> I'M IN THIS LOCKER ROOM I'M NOT LIKE A BIG GUY, BUT I'M WATCHING THESE GROWN MEN
>> Jimmy: YES, YOU ARE >> I'M NOT A BIG GUY HAVE YOU SEEN SOME OF THESE
GUYS 6'7", 6'8. SOLID MUSCLE
330, 340, 350 POUNDS, AND THEN THE GUYS WHO PLAY MY POSITION, ONE OF THESE GUYS -- HE WAS
SO -- HE HAD MUSCLES COMING OUT OF EVERYWHERE. NECK, EARS, EVERYTHING
[ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: EAR MUSCLES. >> YEAH, EAR MUSCLES
AND HE WALKS IN THE LOCKER ROOM, IT'S THE FIRST TIME I'D EVER BEEN THERE WITH THE VETS
AND HE WAS A VET -- HE WALKS IN, AND I JUST REMEMBER LOOKING AT HIM THINKING, HE PLAYS MY
POSITION IF I HAVE TO LOOK LIKE HIM TO PLAY
I MIGHT AS WELL GO HOME. I'M NEVER GOING TO LOOK LIKE THAT
>> Jimmy: REALLY >> IT WAS INTIMIDATING SO I REMEMBER BEING SCARED
I REMEMBER LAWRENCE TAYLOR WALKING INTO THE LOCKER ROOM >> Jimmy: YEAH, LT, MAN.
>> IT WAS LIKE, HE DIDN'T EVEN WALK HE GLIDED IN, LIKE HE WAS ON A
A CONVEYOR BELT. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: HE FLOATED IN.
>> HE WAS SUCH A GOD TO ME WITH FOOTBALL SO, YEAH, IT WAS INTIMIDATING.
BUT THE SOONER YOU CAN GET OVER IT AND REALIZE YOU'RE THERE BECAUSE YOU DESERVE TO BE
THERE, THAT YOU BELONG, THEN THE BETTER IT WILL BE FOR YOU. BUT IT'S INTIMIDATING AT FIRST
>> Jimmy: DID YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE IN NEW YORK CITY >> NO.
NO THE FIRST TIME I CAME HERE I STAYED IN A MARRIOTT MARQUIS
RIGHT IN TIMES SQUARE. I DIDN'T LEAVE MY ROOM UNTIL SOMEBODY CAME AND GOT ME
CAUSE I'M NOT THAT BIG, JIMMY. >> Jimmy: YES, YOU ARE YOU ARE THAT BIG
>> I'M GOING TO BE IN NEW YORK CITY? AND I'M GONNA BE WALKING,
LOOKING AT -- DON'T LOOK UP. I WALKING, LOOKING AT BUILDINGS LIKE THAT -- CAUSE I DON'T WANT
TO LOOK UP I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A TOURIST.
THAT'S ALL THE THINGS I HEARD WHEN I CAME HERE FROM TEXAS. LIKE, DON'T LOOK UP.
THEY'RE GOING TO ROB YOU THEY'RE GOING TO MUG YOU [ LAUGHTER ]
SO, I'M LIKE WAITING IN THE HOTEL. YOU COME GET ME.
THEN I'LL LEAVE. CAUSE I'VE GOT SOMEBODY WITH ME TO HELP ME IF I NEEDED HELP.
AND IT WAS INTIMIDATING. I HEAR SOMEBODY'S LAUGHING [ LAUGHTER ]
I'LL BE HONEST I WAS SCARED. IT WAS SCARY >> Jimmy: BUT I THINK YOU'RE
GOOD AT DOING THINGS THAT ARE A LITTLE CHALLENGING I THINK THAT YOU LIKE A GOOD
CHALLENGE. >> YES >> Jimmy: EVEN, LIKE, GOING
INTO "GOOD MORNING AMERICA." YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO HOST A A MORNING SHOW, BUT YET YOU HIT
IT OUT OF THE PARK YOU'RE FANTASTIC AT IT >> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT WAS MORE INTIMIDATING THAN BEING IN THE LOCKER ROOM WITH
THOSE BIG OLD DUDES WALKING IN THERE, MAN >> Jimmy: REALLY
>> YEAH, THAT IS THE HARDEST, MOST CHALLENGING JOB I'VE EVER HAD.
>> Jimmy: REALLY >> FOOTBALL IS CHALLENGING MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY.
BUT THIS, JUST THE OVERALL PRESSURE OF IT, YOU FEEL IT A LOT MORE THAN I EVER FELT ON
A FOOTBALL FIELD AND SO, IT'S REALLY HARD TO EXPLAIN, BUT IT CHALLENGED ME
IN A DIFFERENT WAY THAT I NEVER EXPECTED BECAUSE IT'S NOT SOMETHING THAT
I CAN SAY I ASPIRED TO DO, BUT NOW I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT I'M SO COMFORTABLE THERE
I LOVE THE NEWS. I LOVE POLITICS. I LOVE, YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING
THAT'S INVOLVED WITH IT. I JUST WISH THE NEWS COULD BE A LITTLE BIT HAPPIER AT TIMES.
IT'S KIND OF HARD AT 7:00 A.M. GOING, "WELL, YOU KNOW, TODAY --" IT WEARS ON YOUR
MIND, SOME OF THESE THINGS BUT I WOULDN'T CHANGE IT FOR THE WORLD.
MY CAREER AND WHERE IT HAS TAKEN HAS EXCEEDED ANYTHING I EVER IMAGINED.
>> Jimmy: YOUR CLOTHING LINE HAS TAKEN OFF AS WELL. LAST TIME WE WERE ON WE TALKED
ABOUT -- YOU WERE GIVING SUITS, BY THE WAY, TO VETERANS AND HELPING THEM GET JOBS WHEN THEY
COME OUT OF THE SERVICE. AND I THOUGHT THAT WAS AN AWESOME THING YOU DID.
>> THANK YOU [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: BUT THIS IS YOUR --
WHAT DO YOU CALL IT? >> WORK LEISURE, WE CALL IT. >> Jimmy: WORK LEISURE
>> THERE'S ATHLEISURE AND THERE'S TAILORED, WHICH IS, LIKE, SUITS AND TIES
BUT NOT EVERYBODY IS LIKE LEISURE, BUT THEY'RE WORKING BECAUSE THEY'RE WORKING FROM
HOME >> Jimmy: THAT'S RIGHT >> SO, WHAT WE HAVE, WE HAVE
FITTED POLOS WE HAVE COMFORTABLE JOGGERS. AND ALSO, WE HAVE JEANS AND
EVERYTHING ELSE. THROW A JACKET OVER IT YOU CAN SIT IN FRONT OF YOUR
ZOOM YOU CAN DO YOUR THING. TAKE IT OFF, YOU CAN STILL HIT
THE STREETS. YOU DON'T TO HAVE CHANGE 20 OUTFITS TO KIND OF WORK NOW,
AND ALSO BE AT HOME. YOU CAN BE COMFORTABLE >> Jimmy: LOOK AT YOUR MODEL
POSES. >> YEAH, YEAH. >> Jimmy: NOW ARE ANY OF THESE
REAL SITUATIONS? >> NO. [ LAUGHTER ]
ALL THAT'S IN THE STUDIO IT IS WEIRD BECAUSE I FELT LIKE "TALLADEGA NIGHTS.
WHAT DO I DO WITH MY HANDS YOU KNOW, YOU JUST KIND OF - SO YOU NOTICE I ALWAYS HAVE
SOMETHING IN MY HANDS EVERY TIME AND THEN WHEN YOU DO THE SUITS,
IT'S WEIRD CAUSE I SAW THAT MEME OF THE ROCK AND HE'S ALWAYS FIXING HIS CUFFS.
LIKE, CAN THE ROCK EVER FIX HIS CUFFS? [ LAUGHTER ]
SO NOW EVERY TIME I'VE GOT A A SUIT, I'M LIKE, "I CAN'T DO THE CUFF THING
THAT'S THE ROCK'S THING. IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE CAUSE, LIKE, A LOT OF PEOPLE
STANDING AROUND. YOU'RE LIKE -- GOT TO LOOK COOL
>> Jimmy: BUT I THINK YOU ALWAYS HAD A LITTLE SOMETHING -- CAUSE WE'VE GOT A
A PHOTO OF YOUNG MICHAEL STRAHAN. >> OH, BOY
>> Jimmy: LOOK AT THIS LITTLE STUD THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT
RIGHT THERE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THAT'S MY MAN.
WALK ME THROUGH THIS DUDE. HOW COOL IS HE >> I'M THE YOUNGEST OF SIX, AND
I WAS TOO YOUNG TO GO TO SCHOOL BUT MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS HAD
SCHOOL PICTURES, AND I CRIED AND TOLD MY MOM I WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL CAUSE I WANT SCHOOL
PICTURES SO SHE TOOK ME TO SEARS OR SOMETHING, WHERE THEY USED TO
DO THE SCHOOL PICTURES -- WHERE YOU CAN GET PICTURES AND THAT WAS CONSIDERED MY
SCHOOL PICTURE EVEN THOUGH I WASN'T AT SCHOOL AND YOU COULD TELL I WAS HAPPY
BECAUSE THE GAP IS JUST AN AWFUL -- [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO ADD THIS TO THE MSX LINE. LEISURE SUITS.
>> THAT'S POLYESTER. DON'T GET NEAR A FLAME [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THIS IS MY MAN MICHAEL STRAHAN, EVERYBODY GIVE IT UP, IN STUDIO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CHECK OUT HIS LINE OF MSX CLOTHING AVAILABLE NOW
TIG NOTARO JOINS US AFTER THE BREAK. STICK AROUND
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * >> Jimmy: MY NEXT GUEST IS A
A VERY TALENTED COMEDIAN WHO HOSTS A WEEKLY PODCAST CALLED "DON'T ASK TIG."
PLEASE WELCOME TIG NOTARO!
* >> Jimmy: LOOK AT US
LOOK AT US NOW LOOK AT THIS >> LOOK AT US.
>> Jimmy: LOOK AT US >> IT'S INCREDIBLE >> Jimmy: UNBELIEVABLE
UNBELIEVABLE INCREDIBLE THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING
BACK TO THE SHOW I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING BECAUSE NOW YOU'RE AN
ACTION STAR, AND SO I FEEL LIKE -- WELL, YOU ARE. YOU'RE IN -- YOU'RE IN
ZACK SNYDER'S "ARMY OF THE DEAD" MOVIE. AND WE TALKED ABOUT THAT
>> YEAH. >> Jimmy: THEY JUST RELEASED THE TRAILER.
AND ALL ANYONE WAS TALKING ABOUT IS HOW MUCH THEY LOVE TIG NOTARO AND HOW TIG NOTARO
IS SEXY AF [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> YES
>> Jimmy: YEAH DID YOU -- LOOK -- THIS PHOTO -- LOOK AT THIS.
YEAH [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE THE CROWD LOVES IT
WHAT IS -- WHAT IS -- WHAT HAS -- WHAT HAS LIFE BEEN LIKE FOR THIS PAST WEEK BEING SEXY
AF >> OH, MY GOSH, SO MUCH HAS CHANGED, JIMMY, SINCE --
[ LAUGHTER ] IT'S -- IT'S REALLY BEEN NUTS AROUND HERE SINCE I WAS
TRENDING FOR BEING SEXY AF >> Jimmy: THAT'S RIGHT THAT'S RIGHT
>> I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT "AF" WAS, TO BE HONEST. MY FRIENDS WERE TEXTING ME
IMAGES OF TWITTER. THEY WERE LIKE, "YOU'RE -- YOU'RE TRENDING FOR BEING
BADASS AND SEXY AF." AND I WAS LIKE, "WHAT IS THAT? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: DUDE, I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU. THAT'S FUN
THAT'S COOL. HOW IS THE FAMILY? HOW ARE THE KIDS
HOW'S YOUR WIFE? HOW'S EVERYONE >> EVERYBODY'S GOOD.
YEAH YOU KNOW, WE'RE -- >> Jimmy: WHAT ARE THEY INTO
>> GETTING -- WELL, MY WIFE IS INTO ME NOW THAT I'M SEXY AF [ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT. WE GOT IT. WE GOT IT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ALL RIGHT. JESUS.
>> AND YOU KNOW, PUTS A LITTLE FIRE UNDER HER, YOU KNOW, FOR ME TO BE TRENDING FOR SEXY AF
BUT -- >> Jimmy: YEAH, WE HEARD THE FIRST FOUR TIMES
YEAH [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> RIGHT, BUT IT'S GOING TO
COME UP AGAIN. TRUST ME [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
MY -- MY SONS ARE REALLY INTO BASEBALL THEY ARE CRAZY ABOUT IT.
MY -- THEY -- THEY PLAY ALL DAY LONG JUST THROWING THE BALL
HITTIN' -- HITTIN' THE BALL. YOU KNOW, BASEBALL STUFF CATCHING THE BALL.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, THAT'S - >> RUNNIN' >> Jimmy: THAT'S BASICALLY
BASEBALL YEAH, ABSOLUTELY >> YEAH.
AND I JUST -- I WATCH ON SEXY AF, OF COURSE. >> Jimmy: OH, MY -- THAT'S
NOT -- >> WE -- WE SIGNED THEM UP FOR LITTLE LEAGUE AND --
>> Jimmy: HOW OLD ARE THEY >> YEAH, WELL, THEY'RE -- THEY'RE ALMOST 5
I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S LITTLE LEAGUE, ACTUALLY I KNOW I LOOK LIKE I SHOULD
KNOW THESE THINGS BUT IT'S JUST T-BALL THEY'RE IN T-BALL.
IS THAT LITTLE LEAGUE? I DON'T KNOW >> Jimmy: NO
BUT YEAH, YEAH >> IT'S -- IT'S A LEAGUE >> Jimmy: THAT'S GREAT THOUGH.
THAT'S YOUNG TO -- TO START, ISN'T IT THAT'S AMAZING
>> YEAH. AND THEY'RE REALLY GOOD. THEY BOTH, FIRST DAY, HITTIN'
THE BALL OUT TO CENTERFIELD. AND -- AND ALL THE KIDS ARE GREAT BUT TO BE HONEST, IT WAS
A LITTLE AMUSING, BECAUSE THE TWO GAY MOMS SHOWED UP WITH THE STAR PLAYERS
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> Jimmy: THAT'S HILARIOUS YEAH, WHY NOT?
I THINK IT'S GREAT >> "WHY NOT" IS EXACTLY OUR POINT.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S - >> A LOT OF BUFF DADS AND THEIR SONS COULDN'T QUITE MAKE
CONTACT WITH THE BALL TO THE BAT. AND WE WERE LIKE, "YEAH" WITH
OUR -- WITH OUR LITTLE ONES. >> Jimmy: ROOTING AGAINST CHILDREN
TIG, I WAS LISTENING TO YOUR PODCAST. >> ALWAYS.
>> Jimmy: "DON'T -- DON'T ASK TIG. AND IT WAS THE ONE -- IT WAS
THE EPISODE -- FIRST OF ALL, I LOVE IT. BASICALLY, YOU TAKE QUESTIONS
FROM FANS AND YOU AND SPECIAL GUESTS GIVE YOUR ADVICE ON ANSWERING THE QUESTIONS.
AND IT'S REALLY FUNNY AND I LOVE IT, BUT - >> NO, I KNOW, I KNOW.
I KNOW HOW THE SHOW GOES >> Jimmy: OH, SORRY. [ LAUGHTER ]
I WAS TALKING TO THEM. I WAS TALKING TO THEM. SORRY.
YEAH >> OH, OH, OKAY. OKAY
>> Jimmy: YOU RECENTLY HAD PAULA POUNDSTONE ON. AND AS YOU WERE TALKING TO
PAULA -- >> YEAH. >> Jimmy: GOSH, I LOVE
PAULA TOWNSTONE. AS YOU WERE TALKING ON HER, YOU -- YOUR -- YOUR -- ONE OF
YOUR BOYS STARTS YELLING FOR YOU. AND -- AND -
>> YEAH. HE WAS STUCK ON THE BATHROOM COUNTER.
>> Jimmy: SO, WHAT HAPPENED? HE CLIMBED UP THERE AND THEN GOT NERVOUS?
>> I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED LOOK, HE'S A GREAT BASEBALL
PLAYER >> Jimmy: I KNOW WE HEARD THAT.
I KNOW HE IS >> HE GOT A LITTLE -- HE GOT A A LITTLE NERVOUS ON THE
BATHROOM COUNTER I DON'T KNOW I DIDN'T HAVE TIME, YOU KNOW
I HAD PAULA POUNDSTONE ON MY SHOW AND --
>> Jimmy: WHO HAS TIME TO RAISE YOUR KIDS? EXACTLY RIGHT.
>> YEAH, I RAN DOWNSTAIRS, GRABBED HIM OFF THE COUNTER. I WAS LIKE, "DON'T GET ON THE
BATHROOM COUNTER." AND THEN RAN BACK UP, AND, YOU KNOW, DID MY GLOBAL HIT
SENSATION OF A PODCAST, "DON'T ASK TIG. >> Jimmy: YEAH
I WANT TO TALK ABOUT -- YOU ALSO HAVE ANOTHER MOVIE OUT CALLED "TOGETHER TOGETHER," --
>> YES >> Jimmy: THIS IS WITH ED HELMS AND PATTI HARRISON WHERE YOU
PLAY A THERAPIST AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, IT MAKES SENSE.
YOU DID A LITTLE RESEARCH TO BE A THERAPIST. THAT'S WHAT GOT THE POD --
WHICH CAME FIRST THE PODCAST OR THE EGG YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING
>> NO, THERE WAS NO RESEARCH, JIMMY. PEOPLE -- NOW THAT I'VE -- I'VE
GOTTEN INTO ACTING OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS, PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK HOW I PREPARED FOR ROLES,
AND IF I'M COMPLETELY HONEST, I DON'T. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
MY PREPARATION IS I LEARN MY LINES THE BEST OF MY ABILITY >> Jimmy: WELL, WHEN YOU SHOW
UP AND YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS, YOU DON'T NEED ANY LINES [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
BOOM >> SEXY AF >> Jimmy: TIG, CONGRATS ON
EVERYTHING CONGRATS ON THE MOVIES CONGRATS ON THE PODCAST.
WE LOVE YOU AND PLEASE COME BACK WHENEVER, NEXT TIME HOPEFULLY IN PERSON.
TIG NOTARO - >> THANK YOU >> Jimmy: CHECK OUT NEW
EPISODES OF HER PODCAST, "DON'T ASK TIG," EVERY WEDNESDAY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH STAND-UP FROM EMMY BLOTNICK. STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * *
>> Jimmy: OUR NEXT GUEST HAS HER COMEDY ALBUM "PARTY NIGHTS" AVAILABLE ON APPLE MUSIC
MAKING HER "TONIGHT SHOW" DEBUT, PLEASE WELCOME THE VERY FUNNY EMMY BLOTNICK!
* [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE >> HOLY MOLY
WHOA WHOA IT IS SO GREAT TO BE HERE.
WOW! I FEEL -- I FEEL SO LIGHT. I FEEL FREE.
[ CHEERS ] IT'S LIKE -- IT'S LIKE I JUST TOOK MY WEIGHTED BLANKET OFF,
YOU KNOW [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] I LOVE THE WEIGHTED BLANKET.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS ARE INTO THAT, BUT OH, MAN IT'S A BLANKET THAT LITERALLY
DEPRESSES YOU. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] IT IS SO NICE TO HAVE SOMETHING
TO BLAME FOR WHY YOU CAN'T GET UP [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
THIS BLANKET JUST HOLDS YOU IN PLACE, HOLDS YOU DOWN. IT GOES, "IT'S MY FAULT
TONIGHT. AND YOU GO, "THANK YOU, BLANKET.
[ LAUGHTER ] THEY SAY YOU'RE ABOUT TO CALCULATE 10% OF YOUR BODY
WEIGHT THAT'S HOW HEAVY YOUR BLANKET'S SUPPOSED TO BE BUT I DIDN'T DO
THE MATH I KNOW MYSELF. I HAVE THE DEPRESSION OF A MUCH
LARGER PERSON, AND I WANT TO GET CRUSHED, OKAY? [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
I WANT TO FEEL LIKE THE BED IS SLEEPING ON ME [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
I GOT A 20 POUNDER NOT TO BRAG -- [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
BUT IT'S GOOD. I USED TO GO TO THE GYM AND LIFT 20-POUND WEIGHTS.
NOW I JUST WAIT UNTIL I HAVE TO PEE, AND FIGHT THE BLANKET OFF ME
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU DON'T GET LAID UNDER A A WEIGHTED BLANKET
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU ALL KNEW THAT. JUST A LITTLE PUBLIC SERVICE
ANNOUNCEMENT I DON'T KNOW IF THERE'S ANYONE HERE WHO HAS BOTH A WEIGHTED
BLANKET AND A PARTNER. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] MIGHT BE KIND OF A SMALL CENTER
OF THE VENN DIAGRAM. [ LAUGHTER ] BUT YOU'VE GOT TO TRY, YOU
KNOW I TRY. MY FIANCE COMES HOME, AND I'M
LIKE, "PEEL THIS SANDBAG OFF ME [ LAUGHTER ]
DON'T YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT KIND OF CORPSE IS STEAMING UNDER HERE?"
[ LAUGHTER ] IT'S A PRETTY TOUGH SELL, YOU KNOW
'CAUSE EVEN IF HE WANTED TO TAKE THE WEIGHTED BLANKET OFF ME, HE'D STILL HAVE TO GET THE
NIGHT GUARD OUT OF MY MOUTH. [ LAUGHTER ] IT'S A WHOLE PROCESS, YOU KNOW
IT'S A STRIP TEASE THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING. THE WEIGHTED BLANKET COMES OFF
THE NIGHT GUARD POPS OUT YOU TAKE OFF THE EYE MASK. YOU TAKE OUT THE EAR PLUGS
YOU TAKE OFF THE SNORE STRIP RIP. YOU LEAVE THE HUMIDIFIER ON.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ] YEAH
BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO GET DRY. RIGHT, FELLAS?
OKAY [ LAUGHTER ] DO WE HAVE ANY NIGHT GUARD
WEARERS HERE [ CHEERS ] ARE YOU CLENCHING OR ARE YOU
GRINDING BOTH ME, TOO.
WE'RE FURIOUS. ISN'T THAT FUN [ LAUGHTER ]
OH, MAN. IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A NIGHT GUARD IS, IT'S KIND OF LIKE THE
MOUTH PIECE YOU WEAR FOR HOCKEY IF IS THE HOCKEY IN YOUR MIND. AND IT'S GOOD.
YOU KNOW IT DOES THE JOB 'CAUSE THAT ANGER HAS TO GO SOMEWHERE, YOU
KNOW I WANT TO BE NICE DURING THE DAY SO I JUST TAKE ALL MY ANGER
OUT ON MYSELF IN MY SLEEP. [ LAUGHTER ] THAT'S WHAT I DO
I START MY DAYS. I'M LIKE, "GOOD MORNING. I LOVE YOU
I LOVE MEETINGS. I LOVE WHEN MEN TALK OVER ME IN MEETINGS
[ LAUGHTER ] YES, I SAID IT FIRST, BUT YOU SAID IT TALLER."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE AND THEN THE END OF THE DAY, GO HOME, GO TO SLEEP, PUT IN THE
NIGHT GUARD AND JUST GRIND IT OUT. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
AS SOON AS I'M ASLEEP, I'M LIKE, "I WILL DESTROY MYSELF IN MY REST.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] AND THEN WAKE UP AND GO, "GOOD MORNING.
I LOVE YOU I HAVE A HEADACHE. IT'S HEALTHY
IT'S WELLNESS. I DO FEEL SO BLINDSIDED BY THE NUMBER OF SLEEP ACCESSORIES I
REQUIRE. IT IS MORE THAN I THOUGHT, YOU KNOW
I DIDN'T THINK I'D GROW UP, AND HAVE TO GEAR UP FOR SLEEP. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
I WISH SOMEONE HAD WARNED ME I WISH WHEN I WAS A KID, THERE'D BEEN A SLEEP DISORDER
BARBIE YOU KNOW, JUST TO GET THE IMAGE IN YOUR HEAD
RIGHT? JUST TO SEE LITTLE GIRLS BEING LIKE, "MY BARBIE LIKES
MELATONIN! [ LAUGHTER ] MY BARBIE SMOKES WEED UNTIL
SHE'S TIRED. [ LAUGHTER ] WHOA
KEN SLEEPS IN A SEPARATE BEDROOM. [ LAUGHTER ]
THANK YOU, GUYS, SO MUCH I'M EMMY BLOTNICK. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* >> Jimmy: ON "THE TONIGHT SHOW?"
THAT FELT SO GOOD. THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. EMMY BLOTNICK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE "PARTY NIGHTS" IS AVAILABLE AT APPLE MUSIC.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, EVERYBODY OH [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* * >> Jimmy: JOIN US TOMORROW
NIGHT. JANE FONDA AND ROBIN THEDE WILL BE HERE.
AND WE'LL HAVE MUSIC FROM ALANIS MORISSETTE! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
MY THANKS TO MICHAEL STRAHAN, TIG NOTARO EMMY BLOTNICK, THAT'S HOW YOU
DO IT RIGHT THERE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CRUSHED IT
AND THE ROOTS OVER THERE FROM PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA THANK YOU FOR WATCHING
STAY TUNED FOR "LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS. GOODNIGHT, EVERYBODY
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *