>> Steve: FROM ROCKEFELLER
CENTER IN THE HEART OF
NEW YORK CITY, IT'S "THE
TONIGHT SHOW STARRING
JIMMY FALLON."
TONIGHT, JOIN JIMMY AND HIS
GUESTS -
RASHIDA JONES, BILL BURR, MUSIC
GUEST OLD DOMINION
AND FEATURING THE LEGENDARY
ROOTS CREW
HERE'S YOUR HOST, JIMMY FALLON
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: HEY!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
OH
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME TO
"THE TONIGHT SHOW.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYBODY
WELL, GUYS IT WAS ANOTHER BIG
DAY IN WASHINGTON AS HOUSE
DEMOCRATS FORMALLY INTRODUCED
THE RESOLUTION TO IMPEACH
PRESIDENT TRUMP.
AND IF YOU'RE WATCHING, NO,
THIS IS NOT A REPEAT
YEP, TRUMP IS BEING IMPEACHED
AGAIN.
RIGHT NOW EVERYONE IN AMERICA
IS HAVING DEJA COUP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
TRUMP WAS CHARGED WITH
"INCITEMENT OF INSURRECTION.
YOU KNOW YOU MESSED UP WHEN
YOU'RE CHARGED WITH THE TITLE
OF A '90S STAR TREK MOVIE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S NEVER GOOD WHEN CROWDS
RISE TO THE LEVEL OF KLINGON
IT'S LOOKING LIKE ONE MORE
IMPEACHMENT FOR TRUMP.
TRUMP GETS IMPEACHED THE WAY
MOST PEOPLE GET VACCINATED, IN
TWO DOSES.
SOME PEOPLE SAY IMPEACHING
TRUMP WILL DIVIDE THE COUNTRY.
REALLY
HOW MUCH MORE DIVIDED CAN THE
COUNTRY GET?
WE'RE CURRENTLY IN A STATE OF
MONOPOLY GAME AFTER
THANKSGIVING
THAT'S WHERE WE ARE.
MEANWHILE, SOME OF TRUMP'S MOST
LOYAL DEFENDERS ARE SAYING WE
SHOULDN'T KICK HIM WHILE HE'S
DOWN
EVEN "THE KARATE KID" IS GOING
THIS ONE TIME FEELS OKAY I
THINK.
SWEEP THE LEG, SWEEP THE LEG
IF YOU THINK TRUMP IS UPSET
ABOUT GETTING IMPEACHED,
IMAGINE HOW HE FELT THE OTHER
DAY WHEN TWITTER ANNOUNCED
THEY'RE PERMANENTLY SUSPENDING
HIS ACCOUNT.
A LIFETIME BAN
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
A LIFETIME BAN
TRUMP'S BASICALLY THE PETE ROSE
OF SOCIAL MEDIA.
RIGHT NOW TRUMP'S PHONE IS
STUFFED INTO A PILE OF RICE
AFTER BEING DRENCHED WITH
TEARS.
THE GOOD NEWS IS NOW TWITTER
CAN GO BACK TO WHAT IT USED TO
BE FOR, JUDGING CELEBRITIES AT
AWARD SHOWS.
IN ADDITION TO TWITTER, TRUMP
HAS BEEN BANNED OR RESTRICTED
FROM APPLE, FACEBOOK,
INSTAGRAM, SNAPCHAT, GOOGLE,
AMAZON, PINTEREST, TIKTOK --
[ BREATH ]
-- YOUTUBE, REDDIT, TWITCH,
STRIPE, DISCORD AND SHOPIFY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
TRUMP STARTED THIS YEAR
THINKING HE SHOULD BE ON MT.
RUSHMORE, NOW CAN'T GET ON
INSTAGRAM.
IN ONE WEEKEND, TRUMP'S PHONE
BECAME A $2,000 FLASHLIGHT
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
NOW TRUMP CAN'T TWEET, SNAP,
POST OR STREAM
IT'S GOTTEN SO BAD HE CAN'T
EVEN SELL EMBROIDERED PILLOWS
ON ETSY.
OF COURSE NOW WE'RE GOING TO
HAVE TO SETTLE WITH HIM HOLDING
50 PRESS CONFERENCES A DAY AND
YELLING 280 CHARACTERS AT
A TIME
IT'S 2:00 A.M., TIME FOR
ANOTHER PRESS CONFERENCE
IT'S GOTTEN SO BAD, PGA WILL NO
LONGER HOLD THE 2022 PGA
CHAMPIONSHIP AT TRUMP NATIONAL
GOLF CLUB IN BEDMINSTER, NEW
JERSEY
[ APPLAUSE ]
NO MORE TWITTER, NO MORE PGA
IF DIET COKE COMES OUT AGAINST
TRUMP, HE'S GOING TO LOSE HIS
MIND
AGAIN.
LET'S CHANGE GEARS
NICKELODEON AIRED FIRST EVER
KID-FRIENDLY BROADCAST OF AN
NFL PLAYOFF GAME
CHECK OUT WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE.
>> NOW PLUNGING FORWARD.
END ZONE AND TOUCHDOWN
>> AI MEANND THERE'S THE SLIME
[ IMITATING FOG HORN ]
>> AND NOW WILL LUTZ WILL COME
ON FOR THE EXTRA POINT
AND HE KICKS IT RIGHT THROUGH
SPONGEBOB.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH
THAT ACTUALLY LOOKED NORMAL TO
ME, THEN AGAIN, I WATCH EVERY
GAME AFTER DROPPING AN INSANE
AMOUNT OF ACID
[ LAUGHTER ]
"RIGHT THROUGH SPONGEBOB THERE,
CONGRATULATIONS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT WAS GREAT
THE SLIME CANNONS.
IT WAS AWESOME
A LOT OF PEOPLE ENJOYED SEEING
THE GAME LIKE THIS
I MEAN, IT WAS WAY BETTER THAN
THE TIME THEY HAD THE RUGRATS
HOST A UFC FIGHT
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT JUST DIDN'T WORK.
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS, HBO
ANNOUNCED THEY ARE REBOOTING
"SEX AND THE CITY.
YEAH
[ APPLAUSE ]
EVEN CRAZIER, THERE'S ALSO
GOING TO BE A VERSION THAT AIRS
ON NICKELODEON
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEP, EVERYONE IS BACK, EXCEPT
KIM CATTRALL WON'T REPRISE HER
ROLE AS SAMANTHA
IT'S LIKE "THE AVENGERS"
REBOOTING, BUT THOR IS LIKE YOU
WON'T BE SEEING THIS HAMMER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ DRUM ]
YEP, 17 YEARS AFTER THE FINAL
EPISODE, "SEX AND THE CITY"
COMING BACK.
THEY ALREADY RELEASED AN
EPISODE AND FIRST 20 MINUTES IS
MR. BIG WAITING FOR HIS PILL TO
KICK IN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND FINALLY I SAW THAT DWAYNE
"THE ROCK" JOHNSON IS LAUNCHING
A HEALTHY ENERGY DRINK CALLED
ZOA.
YOU CAN TELL THE DRINK IS GOOD,
NANCY PELOSI JUST CHUGGED ONE,
CRUSHED THE CAN ON HER
FOREHEAD, SAID, "LET'S IMPEACH
THIS JIMBRONI.
WE GOT A GREAT SHOW.
GIVE IT UP FOR THE ROOTS,
EVERYBODY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: HI EVERYONE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.5 IT IS
MONDAY
WE'RE EXCITED TO BE BACK
WE HAVE EXCITING BUNCH OF SHOWS
AHEAD.
NICOLE KIDMAN WILL BE HERE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
AMAZING.
DID YOU SEE "THE UNDOING."
>> Tariq: YEAH, I DID.
>> Jimmy: SHE CRUSHED IT
ANTHONY MACKIE
OH I LOVE ANTHONY MACKIE WILL
BE HERE, I LOVE ANTHONY MACKIE
PLUS, ANNE HATHAWAY,
ANGELA BASSETT, LILY SINGH
OH, STAY UP LATE TONIGHT
LILLY SINGH IS PREMIERING AFTER
SETH
SO IT'S ME, SETH AND LILY.
WE LOVE YOU LILLY SINGH.
CHECK OUT LILLY TONIGHT.
BUT FIRST WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW
FOR YOU TONIGHT.
SHE STARS ON THE MOVIE "ON THE
ROCKS" ON APPLE TV PLUS.
RASHIDA JONES IS HERE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
PLUS FROM THE FILM "THE KING OF
STATEN ISLAND" AND "THE
MANDALORIAN," BILL BURR IS
HERE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
THAT DUDE IS NEXT LEVEL FUNNY.
>> Tariq: YEAH MAN
>> Jimmy: HE'S ON A DIFFERENT
WORLD, MAN
IT'S JUST -- GOD, I JUST LOVE
THAT GUY SO MUCH
AND WE'VE GOT GREAT MUSIC FROM
OLD DOMINION
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
GUYS, IT CAN BE HARD TO SAY
GOODBYE, BUT SOMETIMES YOU HAVE
TO
AND THERE ARE A FEW THINGS I
WOULD LIKE TO SAY GOODBYE TO
NOW.
IT'S TIME FOR "GO ON, GIT.
♪ GO ON GIT
GO ON GI
GO ON GO ON GO ON GIT ♪
>> GO ON, GIT, RUBBER CEMENT
WHICH ARE YOU?
RUBBER OR CEMENT
OR MAYBE, JUST MAYBE YOU'RE
SOMETHING ENTIRELY DIFFERENT
ALTOGETHER, SOME STRANGE
CONCOCTION THAT THE HUMAN MIND
CAN'T CURRENTLY COMPREHEND
AND I BET THEY'VE EVEN GOT A
A NAME FOR IT --
GLUE
NOW GO ON, GIT
GO ON GIT, JACK PLAYING CARD
WHAT IS YOUR JOB IN THE PLAYING
CARD MONARCHY?
YOU AIN'T A KING, YOU AIN'T
A QUEEN, AS FAR AS I CAN -
[ LAUGHTER ]
AS FAR AS I CAN TELL, AS FAR AS
I CAN TELL, CHOKING HAZARD
AS FAR AS I CAN TELL YOU'RE
JUST SOME DUDE HANGING OUT
AFTER THE NUMBER 10.
I'M TELLING THE DEALER TO HIT
AND I'M TELLING YOU TO GIT
GO ON GIT, QTIPS, Y'ALL AIN'T
NOTHING BUT A TOOTHPICK WITH
GOLDEN GIRLS HAIR.
GIT.
GO ON GIT, BREAKING NEWS
I KNOW IT'S BREAKING, THAT'S
WHAT MAKES IT NEWS
AIN'T NO NEWS SHOW CALLED OLD
NEWS AND BESIDES -- HOLD UP,
BREAKING NEWS.
GIT!
GO ON GIT.
ROOMBAS.
I KNOW YOU'RE TO SAVE TIME BUT
WE ALL KNOW YOU'RE JUST GOING
OVER THE SAME SPOT TEN TIMES,
MOVING MY CHAIRS AROUND AND
THEN FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS
GO HOME, ROOMBA, YOU'RE DRUNK,
AND ON YOUR WAY OUT, GET A
A SLICE OF GO ON TO HELP SOAK
UP THE GIT
GOT THAT OUT OF MY SYSTEM.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE OF
"TONIGHT SHOW," EVERYBODY.
♪
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK
EVERYBODY, KNOW IT CAN BE HARD
TO MAKE BIG LIFE DECISIONS, AND
SOMETIMES WE CAN ALL USE A
A LITTLE HELP.
WITH THAT IN MIND, IT'S TIME
FOR "LIFE COACH WITH
BILL BURR.
♪ LIFE COACH WITH BILL BURR ♪
>> Jimmy: I LOVE THAT.
♪ LIFE COACH ♪
JOINED NOW BY LIFE COACH
BILL BURR.
>> MIGHT BE THE HEIGHT OF THE
SEGMENT, THAT LITTLE SONG.
>> Jimmy: WE HAVE VIEWERS SEND
IN QUESTIONS THEY NEED YOUR
COACHING ON.
WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO GIVE
TOUGH ADVICE
>> THAT'S RIGHT, IF YOU CAN'T
AFFORD A PROFESSIONAL, ASK
SOMEONE WITH NO DEGREE
LET'S DO IT.
>> Jimmy: FIRST ONE SAYS, "I'M
READY TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP
WITH MY BOYFRIEND AND MOVE IN
TOGETHER
BUT HE SAYS HE CAN'T BECAUSE
HE'S ALLERGIC TO MY CAT.
I LOVE MY CAT, I CAN'T GET RID
OF HER
WHAT SHOULD I DO?"
>> WELL, IT'S GREAT THAT YOU
LOVE YOUR CAT BECAUSE YOUR
BOYFRIEND DOESN'T LOVE YOU
ALL RIGHT?
IF HE LOVED YOU, HE WOULD HAVE
MOVED IN WITH YOU.
OR IF HE LOVED YOU AT THAT
LEVEL.
LIKE IF I MET -- WHAT I MET MY
WIFE, WOMAN OF MY DREAMS, IF
SHE HAD A CAT AND I WAS
ALLERGIC, I WOULD HAVE FIGURED
SOMETHING OUT.
YOU'RE THE ONE FOR ME, THINK
ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME, BUT YOU
GOT A CAT SO -
I THINK HE ENJOYS HAVING SEX
WITH YOU, BUT DOESN'T WANT TO
GO ANY FURTHER
I HOPE YOU GOT A NICE CAT.
>> Jimmy: LOVE THAT.
NUMBER TWO
I'M GETTING MARRIED IN JUNE,
BUT THINK I'M IN LOVE WITH MY
COWORKER JOSH.
I DON'T WANT TO BREAK MY
FIANCE'S HEART, AND UPSET OUR
FAMILIES, BUT I'M AFRAID IF I
GO THROUGH WITH IT, I'LL REGRET
IT
HELP
>> YEAH.
DON'T MARRY THE GUY.
>> Jimmy: YEAH
>> I DON'T EVEN THINK YOU'RE IN
LOVE WITH THE GUY YOU'RE
WORKING WITH
>> Jimmy: ME NEITHER
>> YOU'RE NOT IN LOVE -- YOU
DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.
PROBLEM IS, JIMMY, THEY NEVER
TEACH YOU HOW TO BREAK UP WITH
SOMEBODY
THIS PERSON HAS PROBABLY WANTED
TO GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP
FOR WHAT WOULD YOU SAY
AT LEAST A YEAR, MAYBE TWO
>> Jimmy: YEP.
>> WHAT THIS PERSON REALLY
NEEDS IT HELP HOW TO BREAK UP.
ALL YOU SAY IS WE NEED TO TALK
AND WHEN HE SITS DOWN SAY
"LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO MARRY
YOU.
JUST GET IT OUT THERE.
NOW THE BAND-AID'S BEEN RIPPED
OFF.
WHATEVER HE'S GOING TO DO, IT'S
GOING TO CRUSH HIM
BREAK HIS HEART.
BUT WOULD BE WAY WORSE IF YOU
BROKE HIS HEART A COUPLE
DECADES, AND COUPLE OF KIDS
FROM NOW
YOU KNOW
JUST GET OUT OF IT
"I DON'T WANT TO MARRY YOU."
>> Jimmy: I TOTALLY AGREE.
>> BANG THAT GUY AT WORK, BUT
YOU DON'T LOVE HIM EITHER.
>> Jimmy: "I JUST MOVED IN WITH
MY GIRLFRIEND AND SHE SNORES
TERRIBLY
I DON'T WANT TO OFFEND HER BY
SLEEPING IN ANOTHER ROOM, BUT
ALSO WANT TO GET SOME SLEEP.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?"
>> STOP THINKING THAT WOMEN ARE
SO PRECIOUS.
THEY'RE HUMAN BEINGS
THEY'RE JUST LIKE MEN.
THEY MAKE A LOT OF MISTAKES AND
HAVE FAULTS.
THIS DYNAMIC WHEN YOU GET IN
RELATIONSHIPS, WOMEN CAN
BASICALLY SAY, ANYTHING TO WORK
ON THEY BRING UP BUT YOU
APPROACH LIKE END OF ACTION
MOVIE, WHAT WIRE I CAN I SNIP
SO THIS THING DOESN'T BLOW UP.
YOU GOT TO SIT THERE AND SAY
LISTEN
NOT SAYING I DON'T LOVE YOU OR
CARE ABOUT YOU
BUT YOU SOUND LIKE A DUMP TRUCK
FULL OF PEAT MOSS BACK UP EVERY
NIGHT AND I CAN'T GET TO SLEEP
I DON'T WANT YOU TO WEAR A
A SCUBA MASK, YOU KNOW, SO CAN
I JUST SLEEP IN THE OTHER ROOM
>> Jimmy: OR CAN WE GET
A BREATHE RIGHT STRIP?
THERE'S THINGS WE CAN DO
>> YOUR SNORING IS AS UGLY AS
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, HONEY, I
HAVE TO SLEEP DOWN THE HALL.
THIS IS A GREAT EXERCISE
THOUGH
THERE'S THIS WHOLE NARRATIVE
THAT GUYS ARE JUST A-HOLES TO
OUR GIRLS, EVERY ONE OF US
MOST ARE JUST LIKE THIS GUY,
AFRAID, DON'T WANT TO SAY
ANYTHING, BUT YOUR MOM PUSHED
MY KID DOWN THE STAIRS THE
OTHER DAY.
I DON'T WANT TO OFFEND YOU
YOU JUST GOT TO GET IT OUT
THERE.
MY WIFE SNORES, I JUST TAKE MY
FOOT AND SLOWLY PUSH HER OUT OF
THE BED.
>> Jimmy: OKAY
HERE WE GO
>> SHE DOES IT TO ME TOO
WAKE ME UP, YOU GOT TO GET OUT
OF HERE.
IF I SNORE, SHE'S LIKE GET OUT
OF HERE.
HANDS ME THE PILLOW AND
COMFORTER.
I DON'T WAKE UP THE NEXT DAY
UPSET WITH HER
>> Jimmy: NO
>> HONESTY
>> Jimmy: MY ROOMMATE KEEPS
LEAVING DISHES IN THE SINK AND
FORGETS TO WASH THEM
HE DOESN'T EVEN WIPE OFF THE
FOOD
ALREADY TALKED TO HIM ABOUT IT
TWICE BUT HE KEEPS DOING IT.
HOW DO I GET HIM TO CHANGE
>> FIRST OF ALL ADDRESS THE
HONESTY OF THE SITUATION
HE DOESN'T KEEP FORGETTING
WHAT HAPPENS IS YOU KEEP
WASHING HIS DISHES
AND YOU'RE NOT CALLING HIM ON
HIS [ BLEEP ] -- SORRY, YOU'RE
NOT CALLING HIM ON HIS
BUSINESS
CAN YOU BEAT THIS GUY UP
IF YOU CAN, YOU CAN THREATEN
VIOLENCE, USE THE THREAT OF
VIOLENCE
YOU DON'T DO THIS, I'M GOING TO
BEAT THE [ BLEEP ] OUT OF YOU,
WHICH YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SAY
THAT ANYMORE DESPITE WHEN
SOMEBODY NEEDS AN ASS KICKING.
SO JIMMY, WE GOT GO MORE
PROGRESSIVE HERE
>> Jimmy: OKAY
BUT LEAVING DISHES IN THE SINK,
THIS IS -- TALENT HIM?
>> JUST START SCRAPING THE FOOD
OFF HIS PLATE AND PUTTING IT IN
HIS PILLOW CASE.
BUT BE NICE, LEAVE A POST-IT
YOU KEEP FORGETTING YOUR FOOD
ON THE PLATE SO FIGURED WOULD
PUT IN PLACE YOU WOULD REMEMBER
IT
DON'T DO IT AND NOT SAY THAT
YOU DID IT BECAUSE THEN YOU'RE
GOING TO LOOK LIKE SOME CHICK
WHO KEYED HIS CAR.
YOU GOT TO LET HIM KNOW YOU DID
IT
WHEN HE COMES OUT, LISTEN I'M
NOT YOUR MAID AND YOU'RE NOT
FORGETTING AND I'M NOT CLEANING
UP AFTER YOU
DO IT AGAIN, I'M GOING TO TAKE
BIGGEST PLATE THAT I CAN FIND
THAT YOU USED OR I USED AND
SMASH IT OVER YOUR HEAD.
I HATE TO SAY THAT, BUT
VIOLENCE IS ONLY THING PEOPLE
LIKE THAT UNDERSTAND
THE THREAT OF VIOLENCE
>> Jimmy: I WANT TO DO THIS ALL
NIGHT LONG
>> MY NEW SELF-HELP BOOK
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, LAST ONE
HERE
FIGURED I WOULD SAY THIS -
>> OUT OF EVERYBODY, THAT GUY
BUGGED ME THE MOST
>> Jimmy: OH, REALLY
>> OH, YEAH.
I LIVED WITH A GUY LIKE THAT
>> Jimmy: FORGET TO WASH THEM.
BRINGING THIS UP BECAUSE YOU
HAVE TWO BABIES, BEAUTIFUL
FOUR-YEAR-OLD.
MY FIVE-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER EMMA
REFUSES TO EAT HER VEGETABLES,
ALL SHE WANTS IS DESSERT
IF I TRY TO HIDE THE VEGETABLES
IN OTHER FOODS SHE JUST PICKS
THEM OUT AND THROWS THEM ON THE
FLOOR.
PLEASE HELP.
>> ALL RIGHT, THIS IS WHAT
HAPPENS.
SOMETIMES WHEN YOU LOVE YOUR
KIDS SO MUCH YOU'RE AFRAID TO
DISCIPLINE THEM AND YOU'RE
LITERALLY GOTTEN TO -- READING
THAT QUESTION, I UNDERSTAND IT
AS A PARENT BUT ALSO IT'S KIND
OF HILARIOUS THAT YOU'RE ACTING
LIKE THIS FIVE-YEAR-OLD GIRL
CAN BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOU
YOU'RE THE PARENT, SHE'S THE
KID.
TELL THE KID THEY HAVE TO SIT
UNTIL THEY FINISH VEGETABLES
AND DESSERT SHOULD BE SOMETHING
SOMETHING OCCASIONALLY HAVE.
YOU HAVE TO UNDO WHAT YOU DO,
LET THIS KID GET AWAY WITH
MURDER
FACT THAT KID IS THROWING
VEGETABLES ON THE FLOOR AND
YOU'RE TOLERATING IT IS YOUR
OWN DAMNED FAULT
KID IS ACTING LIKE IT'S GOT ITS
OWN SITCOM SERIES.
IT'S NOT PAYING RENT, NO
BARGAINING CHIPS
>> Jimmy: NOT UNBOXING TOYS OR
ANYTHING
>> IT'S NOT "RYAN'S WORLD.
DAUGHTER LOVES THAT WORLD.
ONE OF THE FEW TIMES I LIE TO
MY DAUGHTER, CAN I WATCH RYAN,
NO HE'S SLEEPING
I COULDN'T DO IT
FINALLY SAID DADDY CAN ONLY
HANDLE 20 MINUTES OF THAT SHOW,
SORRY.
I CAN WATCH BUGS BUNNY ALL DAY
LONG, I CAN WATCH "SESAME
STREET" THERE'S JOKES FOR ME
TOO.
I WATCH "RYAN'S WORLD" AND I'M
FASCINATED WITH THE PARENTS'
ENERGY
I GET THEIR ALL MAKING CASH BUT
I FEEL BAD FOR THEM.
I DON'T WANT TO JINX RYAN BUT I
DON'T THINK THAT MARRIAGE IS
GOING TO LAST.
GETTING BACK TO THE LITTLE KID
WITH THE VEGETABLES, YOU'RE
GOING TO HAVE TO SIT THROUGH
EPIC MELTDOWNS AND MAKE HER EAT
THE VEGETABLES AND YOU'RE DOING
A GOOD THING
BECAUSE THIS KID IS GOING TO
BECOME A FAT PERSON IF THEY'RE
NOT EATING VEGETABLES AND OTHER
KIDS ARE GOING TO BE MEAN TO
THEM NO MATTER HOW MANY
POSITIVE THINGS ARE OUT THERE
ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.
YOU NEED TO GET THIS KID
SHREDDED SO THE KID CAN GO OUT
IN THE WORLD AND HAVE A CHANCE
WHEN IT TURNS SIX.
>> Jimmy: SHREDDED
>> I DON'T KNOW, I GET IT.
BECAUSE MY -- YOU KNOW, MY
DAUGHTER MANIPULATES ME PRETTY
WELL
BUT NOT TO THAT LEVEL.
I HAVE A LINE.
AND KID STARTING TO THROW FOOD
ON THE LINE, THAT'S JUST NOT
HAPPENING.
>> Jimmy: GOSH
DUDE, THIS HAS BEEN
UNBELIEVABLE
NOT EVEN JUST SAYING THIS.
UNBELIEVABLE
I THOUGHT THE BIT WAS GOING TO
BE FUN BUT IT'S BEYOND FUN, IT
WAS FUNNY BUT ALSO SO VERY YOU
I LOVED IT, IT'S VERY SMART,
REALLY APPRECIATE IT
FANTASTIC FOR ALL THESE PEOPLE
THEY'RE LUCKY THEY GOT A LIFE
COACH WITH BILL BURR
>> WHENEVER YOU WANT TO DO IT,
JIMMY, I GOT THE TIME, PANDEMIC
HAS OPENED UP MY SCHEDULE.
♪
>> Jimmy: MY FIRST GUEST IS
A VERY TALENTED ACTOR, WRITER
AND DIRECTOR
SHE STARS ALONGSIDE BILL MURRAY
IN THE MOVIE "ON THE ROCKS,"
STREAMING NOW ON APPLE TV PLUS
HERE IS RASHIDA JONES!
IT'S SO GREAT TO SEE YOU
>> HEY
>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOSH, THANK
YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING ON THE
SHOW
>> GOOD TO BE HERE
>> Jimmy: ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE
YOU.
EVERY TIME WE TALK YOU'VE
EITHER JUST FINISHED OR STARTED
SOMETHING REALLY COOL, EITHER
FOR WORK OR FUN BUT ALWAYS LIKE
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
OH, I'M GOING TO WRITE A
A SCRIPT
I'M DOING A PODCAST WITH BILL
GATES.
UNBELIEVABLE BY THE WAY.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOTTEN INTO NOW,
WHAT IS THE NEW INTEREST I NEED
TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT
>> I WISH I COULD SAY IT WAS
SOMETHING EPIC
BUT IT'S LIKE GARDENING.
IS THAT EPIC
>> Jimmy: NO, BUT I'LL TAKE
THAT
THAT'S REAL.
GARDENING.
I LOVE GARDENING, WOULD LOVE TO
GARDENING.
HOW DEEP DO YOU GO
DO YOU CHANGE OUTFITS?
>> I GO DEEP, I CHANGE OUTFITS,
I HAVE A HAT, CONTRAPTIONS AND
TOOLS. SHOVELS AND THINGS.
>> Jimmy: SHEARS
>> NOT LIKE MOMMIE DEAREST
VIBES.
SMALLER ONES
>> Jimmy: TINY CLIPPERS.
>> HERB ONES, YEAH
>> Jimmy: WHAT DO YOU GROW
FLOWERS, HERBS
>> I HAVE A LOT OF HERBS,
VEGETABLES, LETTUCE AND KALE
FRENCH SNAP PEAS AND CHIVES AND
BASIL.
CRAZY THING IS I HAVE THIS
PLANT CALLED YARROW IN MY
GARDEN AND I HAVE A TEACHER
THAT SAYS JUST SO YOU KNOW,
THIS STOPS BLEEDING.
OKAY, WHATEVER WITCHY MAGIC,
WHATEVER
>> Jimmy: I'LL HAVE A YARROW
>> CAN'T WAIT TO STOP MY
BLEEDING WITH YARROW
BUT I CUT MY FINGER.
POURING BLOOD, NOTHING WAS
WORKING.
RUBBED IT ON MY CUT AND
IMMEDIATELY STOPPED AND THERE
WAS CLOTTING RING AROUND IT
LIKE THIS.
MAGIC.
IT FREAKED ME OUT.
>> Jimmy: WHAT
YARROW
>> YARROW.
>> Jimmy: YOU ALWAYS GIVE ME
SOMETHING.
I LOVE IT.
YARROW, GOING TO START GROWING
THAT
>> THAT'S ACTUALLY PRACTICAL
FORGET ABOUT YOUR PALATE,
THAT'S MEDICAL
>> Jimmy: I LOVE IT.
I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THE BABY.
OH, MY GOSH, I MEAN SO CUTE.
HOW GREAT IS IT TO GET TO SPEND
MORE TIME WITH HIM
>> IT'S PRETTY HILARIOUS AND
GREAT.
HE'S REALLY THE ONLY MARKER OF
TIME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE
EVERYTHING ELSE IS JUST LIKE SO
SUBJECTIVE
BUT YOU KNOW, HE'S BECOMING
A PERSON AND I GET TO SEE THE
WHOLE THING, WHICH IS AWESOME.
>> Jimmy: I WANT TO KNOW HOW
MUSICAL IS THE BABY.
YOU COME FROM MUSICAL FAMILY
OBVIOUSLY QUINCY JONES, WE LOVE
QUINCY
YOUR PARTNER IS A MUSICIAN
YOU'RE MUSICAL
IS HE MUSICAL?
>> IT'S NOT TONE DEAF, THAT'S
THE GOOD NEWS.
>> Jimmy: I LIKE THAT.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I DON'T KNOW, WHO KNOWS WHAT
WILL BE.
HE HAS A VERY GOOD SENSE OF
MELODY AND RHYTHM.
HE'S VERY INTO DRUMS
>> Jimmy: LET'S TALK ABOUT "ON
THE ROCKS," YOU AND BILL
MURRAY, SOFIA COPPOLA?
WHAT
>> I GUESS THAT'S A COOL THING
I DID, RIGHT
>> Jimmy: YES, YOU THINK SO?
NOW IT'S GETTING AWARDS BUZZ
YEAH, I THINK IT'S SOMETHING
YOU CAN TALK ABOUT
CAN YOU TELL EVERYONE WHAT IT'S
ABOUT?
>> YEAH.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, IT'S SO WEIRD
BECAUSE IT'S INSTANT VINTAGE
WE FILMED IT LAST SUMMER AND WE
FILMED ALL OVER NEW YORK
AND IT'S, YOU KNOW, THE CITY'S
SO BEAUTIFUL IN IT, SUCH AN
IMPORTANT PART OF THE STORY.
THE FACT THAT WE DID THAT JUST
UNDER THE WIRE BEFORE LOCKDOWN,
IT'S IMMEDIATELY NOSTALGIC,
A WEIRD THING.
BUT IT'S ALSO A MOVIE ABOUT
A FATHER AND DAUGHTER
RELATIONSHIP, SOMETHING THAT'S
CLOSE TO MY HEART AND SOFIA'S
HEART OBVIOUSLY.
HAVING THE FATHER THAT CHANGES
THE ENERGY IN A ROOM WHEN HE
WALKS IN
SOMETHING I'M ALSO FAMILIAR
WITH
NAVIGATING THAT RELATIONSHIP,
BEING AN ADULT THROUGH THAT
RELATIONSHIP IS KIND OF WHAT
THE MOVIE IS ABOUT
>> Jimmy: HAS QUINCY OR FRANCIS
FORD COPPOLA SEEN THE MOVIE?
>> BOTH.
>> Jimmy: ARE THEY GOING THAT'S
NOT ME
>> NEITHER ARE WILLING TO FEEL
THEY'RE THE INSPIRATION FOR THE
MOVIE.
SO THAT'S GREAT.
>> Jimmy: WE'RE COOL BUT BILL
MURRAY IS COOL
BILL IS MOST FUN HUMAN
>> THE COOLEST, SO FUN
>> Jimmy: THE CAR CHASE, I
HEARD HE WENT OFFSCRIPT DRIVING
AROUND WHERE HE WASN'T SUPPOSED
TO BE.
>> YEAH.
HE FANCIES HIMSELF AN
AMATEUR --
PROBABLY MORE LIKE PROFESSIONAL
STUNT DRIVER
REALLY PRIDES HIMSELF ON DOING
MOST OF IT HIMSELF
WOULD SPEAK STUNT TALK WITH HIS
STUNT DOUBLE
BUT HE DID MOST OF THE DRIVING
HIMSELF, AND I THINK PART OF IT
WAS BECAUSE HE LIKES TO -- YOU
KNOW, LIKES TO PULL A STUNT, TO
MAKE PEOPLE SCREAM AND LAUGH
AND FEEL SURPRISED
SO HE WOULD -- YOU KNOW, WE'D
FINISH THE SCENE AND HE'D BOLT
AND LOSE THE FOLLOW VAN AND ALL
OF OUR ESCORTS AND JUST RIP UP
10th AVENUE.
AND GET US BUSTED.
GOT US BUSTED ONCE
>> Jimmy: NO
>> WE WERE FINE BECAUSE IT'S
HIM.
TOTALLY.
WE SAW LIGHTS.
I SAW LIGHTS BEHIND US, THAT'S
NOT THE PRODUCTION GUYS.
GUY WAS LIKE WHAT ARE YOU
DOING, GET OFF THE STREET.
IT WAS LOVELY, WE WERE FINE.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S BILL MURRAY
DRIVING.
OKAY
LET ME ESCORT YOU BACK TO THE
SET.
>> EXACTLY
DO YOU NEED ANY GAS?
IT'S JUST LIKE THE MOVIE
GETS AWAY WITH EVERYTHING.
THAT GUY
>> Jimmy: YOU TWO TOGETHER
THAT'S GREAT
AND SOFIA IS AWESOME
HERE'S A CLIP, RASHIDA JONES
AND BILL MURRAY IN "ON THE
ROCKS.
>> WHAT DOES DEAN HAVE PLANNED
FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
>> HE'S NOT GOING TO BE HERE
FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
>> WHAT KIND OF GUY FORGETS HIS
WIFE'S BIRTHDAY?
>> HE DIDN'T FORGET.
HE HAS A WORK TRIP
WE'RE GOING TO CELEBRATE WHEN
HE GETS BACK
>> THAT'S NOT THE SAME
I TRAVELED, I NEVER MISSED A
A BIRTHDAY
>> RIGHT, BUT YOU HAD SOME
OTHER SHORTCOMINGS
>> LIKE WHAT
>> THANK YOU
>> SPACIBA
ALL RIGHT.
I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU TO 21,
JUST DO ME A FAVOR AND CHECK
HIS TEXTS, WILL YOU?
>> RASHIDA JONES, EVERYBODY.
"ON THE ROCKS" IS STREAMING NOW
ON APPLE TV PLUS
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BILL
BURR
STICK AROUND EVERYBODY
♪
>> Jimmy: MY NEXT GUEST IS A
GRAMMY NOMINATED COMEDIAN AND
VERY TALENTED ACTOR RECEIVED
RAVE REVIEWS FOR WORK IN FILM
"THE KING OF STATEN ISLAND,"
STREAMING ON HBO MAX, AND SEE
HIM IN THE BLOCKBUSTER SHOW,
"THE MANDALORIAN."
BILL BURR.
LOOK AT YOU.
>> I LOVE YOU GIVE THE AUDIENCE
APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE TO EVERYONE
THERE HE IS.
KEEP IT GOING FOR HIM.
>> Jimmy: I CAN'T HELP MYSELF,
IT'S A THING
I JUST AM USED TO DOING IT
>> I DO STAND-UP NOW OUTSIDE
NEXT TO HIGHWAYS
I MEAN THAT'S -- IT JUST IS WHAT
IT IS.
THOSE EARLY SHOWS BATTLING RUSH
HOUR, BRUTAL
LATE AT NIGHT, JUST THE THIRD
SHIFT AND DRUNK DRIVERS, IT'S
NOT BAD, YOU CAN ACTUALLY HEAR
THE CROWD.
>> Jimmy: PROBABLY TAKE ONE,
RIGHT?
HORNS HONKING IS ONE THING
>> LIGHTS FLASHING
AT THIS POINT WHEN CARS PULL IN,
THERE'S TOO MANY PRIUSES, GOING
TO BE TOO SENSITIVE A CROWD.
NEED SUVs TO BALANCE OUT THE
ELECTRIC CARS AND IT'S FUN
AUDIENCE
TOO MUCH OF EITHER, TOO MUCH
SUVs YELL BUILD THE WALL, THE
USUAL.
>> Jimmy: DO PEOPLE STILL GET
MAD AT YOU FOR STAYING STUFF
THEY MUST.
>> LIKE WHEN THE NITWITS WENT TO
THE CAPITOL, EVERYBODY WAS
OBVIOUSLY TALKING ABOUT IT,
SAYING IT WAS WRONG THING TO DO.
I WAS DOING MY PODCAST, WHAT AM
I THE 9 MILLIONTH PEOPLE TO DO
THIS
I DID MISDIRECTION, TAKES A LOT
TO OFFEND ME, BUT LAST NIGHT,
THOSE UNIFORMS THE MIAMI HEAT
WORE AGAINST THE BOSTON
CELTICS -- AND SAME LEVEL OF
OFFENDED AS PEOPLE AT CAPITOL.
IT WAS ABSURD, BUT JIMMY, I'M A
CLOWN, I'M NOT RUNNING FOR
OFFICE
AND THESE PEOPLE, DOZEN PEOPLE
GOT -- TOOK THE TIME TO SEND ME
A TWEET.
ONE GUY SENT ME A STATEMENT TO
LET ME KNOW HE WAS NO LONGER
GOING TO BE -- AFTER TEN YEARS,
HE WAS GIVING ME HIS
RESIGNATION.
THAT'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT SOCIAL
MEDIA.
NOT LIKE JOE SIXPACK HAS THE EGO
OF CELEBRITY
HE REALLY FELT LIKE HE NEEDED TO
MAKE THIS ANNOUNCEMENT AND
EVERYBODY ELSE HAD TO HEAR IT.
RATHER THAN MOVING ON TO ANOTHER
PODCAST.
>> TALKING ABOUT ANTIMASKERS,
SHOULD PEOPLE WEAR MASK OR NOT
WEAR MASK.
PEOPLE SHOULD WEAR MASKS
>> YEAH.
THAT'S WHAT THE DOCTORS SAY.
SO I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU
WOULDN'T DO IT AND NOW GOT A
VACCINE, SAYING NOT GOING TO DO
IT
I UNDERSTAND PEOPLE NOT WHITE
SAYING THEY'RE NOT GOING TO DO
IT, I WOULDN'T TRUST WHITE
PEOPLE AT THIS POINT EITHER.
BUT STARTED IN ENGLAND WITH
WHITE PEOPLE, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD
SIGN
BUT PEOPLE WILL NOT WANT TO TAKE
IT
EF
EVENTUALLY TO GET THROUGH IN,
CIA WILL HAVE TO GET IN
CHOPPERS, SHOOTING PEOPLE COMING
OUT OF FOOD COURTS WITH VACCINE
LIKE THEY DO WITH WILD BOARS
>> Jimmy: EXACTLY.
>> JUST MAKE THEM DO IT.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S A GOOD IDEA
SOMEONE IS ON THAT RIGHT NOW
2020 OBVIOUSLY HAS BEEN BIZARRE
FOR A LOT OF US.
BUT YOU'VE BEEN FIRING ON ALL
CYLINDERS, YOU APPEARED IN A
COUPLE OF EPISODES OF
"MANDALORIAN," I THINK FAVREAU
LOVES YOU.
BILL BURR IS CRUSHING THIS
>> YOU KNOW THE DEAL, YOU'VE
DONE ACTING.
THEY GOT TO WRITE IT
IF IT'S NOT ON THE PAGE, THEN
THEY EDIT AND PUT IT TO MUSIC.
I JUST SAID WHAT THEY WROTE,
IT'S RICK AND JON AND THOSE GUYS
OVER THERE
>> Jimmy: I HEARD SOME FANS WERE
LIKE WHY DOES HE HAVE A BOSTON
ACCENT.
>> THAT'S HILARIOUS.
NEVER HEARD BOSTON ACCENT IN
OUTER SPACE.
WHAT ABOUT ENGLISH
GO TO GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY,
SOMEONE IS LIKE HOW'S IT GOING,
YOU TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THEM?
WHAT ABOUT THE FACT THAT HAN
SOLO IS TALKING TO BIGFOOT AND
HE'S SPEAKING ENGLISH AND NEVER
BREAK CHARACTER.
HIT THE BUTTON, CHEWIE
THAT'S ALL FINE.
C
C3PO WITH ENGLISH ACCENT
LIKE HE'S HANGING OUT WITH
LYNYRD SKYNYRD
NIT-PICKING NERDS.
>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOSH.
ON TOP OF THAT, SPEAKING OF GOOD
ACTING CHOPS
YOU'RE GREAT IN "KING OF STATEN
ISLAND," JUDD APATOW, YOU AND
MARISSA TOMEI.
>> SHE'S THE BEST I'VE EVER
WORKED WITH.
UNEFFING BELIEVABLE.
>> Jimmy: YOU TOO, IT'S LIKE
WATCHING A DIFFERENT DUDE.
WHAT GOOD ACTING IS.
DIALOGUE WAS GOOD.
>> THEY WROTE A GREAT MOVIE AND
JUDD IS REAL COOL WHERE IT'S
LIKE, YOU KNOW, YOU COME UP, YOU
DO THE THING, DO THE SCENE, DO
TWO TAKES OF IT THE WAY THEY
WROTE IT, THEN HE JUST COMES UP
AND GOES THAT LITTLE AREA THERE,
MAYBE WANT TO BUILD THAT OUT
AND MAYBE THE FIRST WEEK HAD A
LITTLE ANXIETY ABOUT DOING IT.
WORKING WITH MARISSA WAS
INTIMIDATING BECAUSE SHE'S
JUST -- UNREAL, SO GOOD.
BUT FOURTH OR FIFTH DAY I
REALIZED I'M JUST GOING TO HAVE
FUN.
THIS IS JUST IMPROV AND HAVING
FUN.
AND EVERYBODY I WAS WORKING
WITH, PETE DAVIDSON, JUST A
REALLY SPECIAL DUDE I MET ON THE
WAY UP
WE WERE ALWAYS TIGHT AND THAT
MOVIE TOTALLY SOLIDIFIED OUR
FRIENDSHIP, SO I ENDED UP
GAINING A LIFELONG FRIEND OUT OF
DOING THAT
HE HELPED ME THROUGH "SNL" THAT
WEEK.
>> Jimmy: YOU WERE GREAT ON
"SNL" TOO, BY THE WAY.
>> I GOT TO WORK WITH ALL THESE
GUYS I'M FANS OF, IT WAS
AWESOME.
>> Jimmy: I LIKE PETE, HE'S A
GREAT DUDE
CONGRATS ON EVERYTHING, BILL AND
THANK YOU AGAIN FOR COMING ON
BUDDY.
>> COMING ON
I WOULD DO THIS EVERY NIGHT IF
HE D
DIDN'T HAVE TO GO TO L.A.X. AND
GET ON A PLANE, ALL THE SHOWS,
SAME BLACK SHIRT
BILL, TELL US ABOUT "STAR WARS,"
WELL -
>> >> Jimmy: YOU'RE GOOD, I'LL
CALL YOU TOMORROW.
BILL BURR, CHECK HIM OUT IN
"MANDALORIAN" ON DISNEY PLUS AND
"THE KING OF STATEN ISLAND" ON
HBO MAX.
>> Jimmy: THEY ARE NOMINATED
FOR TWO GRAMMYS, INCLUDING BEST
COUNTRY SONG
PERFORMING "NEVER BE SORRY,"
HERE IS OLD DOMINION
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
♪ WE SWUNG OUR FEET
OFF OF THE EDGE OF THE MOO
WE GOT THAT HIGH
FOR A MINUTE ♪
♪ SOMETIMES FOREVER
GETS AWAY FROM YOU
NO MATTER HOW HARD
YOU GRIP IT ♪
♪ SORRY THE SKY FELL DOWN
SORRY I DON'T KNOW WHY
ALL WE DO IS APOLOGIZE ♪
♪ OH BUT I'LL NEVER BE SORR
FOR MY HANDS IN THE POCKET
OF YOUR HOODIE
CALLED YOU SUGAR ♪
♪ JUST TO MAKE YOU SMIL
AND I'LL NEVER BE SORR
FOR THE SHOE
THAT I BOUGHT YOU ♪
♪ IN CHICAG
WE WERE WALKIN
DOWN THE MIRACLE MIL
OH I OH I ♪
♪ I'LL NEVER BE SORRY
I'LL NEVER BE SORR
FOR LOVING YOU ♪
♪ I'LL NEVER BE SORRY
I'LL NEVER BE SORR
FOR LOVING YOU ♪
♪ SOMETIMES TWO PEOPL
END UP VICTIMS OF LOVE
IT DON'T WORK OU
LIKE YOU PLANNED IT ♪
♪ JUST 'CAUSE WE COULDN'T
GET THE STARS TO LINE UP
DON'T MEAN WE LEAV
EMPTY-HANDED ♪
♪ SORRY THE SUN CAME UP
SORRY THE SECOND VERSE
JUST WASN'T AS SWEET
AS THE FIRST ♪
♪ OH BUT I'LL NEVER BE SORR
FOR THAT NIGHT
IN SANTA BARBARA
WE GOT LOCKED OUT ♪
♪ OF YOUR CAR
IN THE POURING RAI
AND I'LL NEVER BE SORR
FOR MISSING THE PARTY ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THE WAY YOUR BOD
LOOKED IN THAT DRESS
BLEW ME AWAY
OH I OH I ♪
♪ I'LL NEVER BE SORRY
I'LL NEVER BE SORR
FOR LOVING YOU ♪
♪ I'LL NEVER BE SORRY
I'LL NEVER BE SORR
FOR LOVING YOU ♪
♪
♪ OH I OH I
I'LL NEVER BE SORR
I'LL NEVER BE SORRY BABY ♪
♪ I'LL NEVER BE SORRY
I'LL NEVER BE SORR
FOR LOVING YOU ♪
♪ YEAH I'LL NEVER BE SORR
FOR MY HANDS IN THE POCKET
OF YOUR HOODIE
CALLED YOU SUGAR ♪
♪ JUST TO MAKE YOU SMIL
YEAH I'LL NEVER BE SORRY
FOR THE SHOE
THAT I BOUGHT YOU ♪
♪ IN CHICAG
WE WERE WALKIN
DOWN THE MAGNIFICENT MIL
OH I OH I ♪
♪ I'LL NEVER BE SORRY
I'LL NEVER BE SORR
FOR LOVING YOU ♪
♪ I'LL NEVER BE SORRY
I'LL NEVER BE SORR
I'LL NEVER BE SORRY ♪
♪ FOR LOVING YO
I'LL NEVER BE SORRY ♪
♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU TO OLD
DOMINION
MORE "TONIGHT SHOW" WHEN WE
COME BACK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU ALL FOR
WATCHING
STAY SAFE OUT THERE.
STAY TUNED FOR "LATE NIGHT WITH
SETH MEYERS.
GOODNIGHT, EVERYBODY
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪