Steve: FROM ROCKEFELLER CENTER IN THE HEART OF
NEW YORK CITY, IT'S "THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON."
TONIGHT, JOIN JIMMY AND HIS GUESTS - POST MALONE, PHOEBE ROBINSON
MUSICAL GUEST 2 CHAINZ AND FEATURING THE LEGENDARY ROOTS CREW
AND NOW, HERE HE IS, JIMMY FALLON
*
Jimmy: THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU! OH
RIGHT BACK AT YOU. OH, RIGHT BACK AT YOU. PLEASE
WELCOME! OH, IT FEELS GOOD. WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "THE TONIGHT SHOW," EVERYBODY, HERE FROM NEW YORK CITY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE YOU GUYS, IT IS FRIDAY [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET TO THE NEWS AND JOKES WELL, ALL EYES ARE ON
WASHINGTON THIS WEEKEND WHERE TRUMP SUPPORTERS ARE HOLDING A A BIG EVENT TO PROTEST THE
ELECTION
TRUMP ARE EXPECTED TO DESCEND ON THE NATION'S CAPITOL
SATURDAY FOR WHAT'S BEEN DUBBED THE MILLION MAGA MARCH [ LAUGHTER ]
Jimmy: USUALLY WHEN YOU SEE A MILLION ANGRY TRUMP SUPPORTERS THIS TIME OF YEAR,
IT'S BECAUSE STARBUCKS RELEASED THEIR HOLIDAY CUPS [ LAUGHTER ]
"WE'RE SAYING, 'MERRY PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE' AGAIN WE ARE
WE'RE SAYING --" IT'LL BE EXCITING FOR A MILLION PEOPLE TO SHOW UP AND THEN BE
TOLD BY A WHITE HOUSE INTERN, "HE LEFT FOR FLORIDA YESTERDAY.
[ LAUGHTER ] ACTUALLY, I HOPE TRUMP WALKS OUT ON THE WHITE HOUSE BALCONY
AND SERENADES THE CROWD WITH A A RENDITION OF "DON'T TRY FOR ME, ARGENTINA.
[ LAUGHTER ] * DON'T TRY FOR M MAGA PEOPL
THE TRUTH IS I NEVER LIKED YOU * [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
* I DON'T WANT TO GO TO ERIE, PENNSYLVANIA * I SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THERE.
I HAD IT IN THE BAG. SPEAKING OF THE ELECTION, THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY
LOOKED INTO TRUMP'S CAMS OF VOTER FRAUD AND HERE'S WHAT THEY FOUND
THE PRESIDENT'S OWN DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY HAS RELEASED A STATEMENT
CALLING LAST WEEK'S ELECTION THE MOST SECURE IN AMERICAN HISTORY, SAYING THERE IS NO
EVIDENCE THAT ANY VOTING SYSTEM WAS IN ANY WA COMPROMISED [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Jimmy: AMERICANS ARE LIKE, "WHO DO WE BELIEVE THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION OR THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION?" [ LAUGHTER ] YEP, THEY SAID THE ELECTION WAS
THE MOST SECURE. WHILE THE PRESIDENT IS THE MOST INSECURE
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE LISTEN TO THIS, THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN JUST SHUT DOWN ITS
VOTER FRAUD HOTLINE BECAUSE IT WAS FLOODED WITH PRANK CALLS [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
IT'S NOT A GREAT SIGN WHEN YOUR FRAUD HOTLINE IS RIDDLED WITH FRAUD.
[ LAUGHTER ] YEAH, THEY SHUT DOWN THE HOTLINE BECAUSE OF PRANKS.
ALSO BECAUSE A BUNCH OF CONFUSED PEOPLE KEPT CALLING IN ASKING HOW TO BASTE A TURKEY
[ LAUGHTER ] "JUST MAKE SURE YOU TAKE THE PLASTIC BAG OUT OF THE -
[ LAUGHTER ] THAT'S THE BIGGEST MISTAKE EVERYONE MAKES."
[ LAUGHTER ] THIS IS PRETTY AMAZING TODAY, TRUMP'S PRESS SECRETARY
KELLY McENANY WAS ASKED IF THE PRESIDENT WOULD ATTEND JANUARY'S INAUGURATION
CHECK OUT WHAT SHE SAID.
HE DID NOT ATTEND THE INAUGURATION
IT WOULD LOOK LIKE SOUR GRAPES, WOULDN'T IT? I THINK THE PRESIDENT WILL
ATTEND HIS OWN INAUGURATION. HE WOULD HAVE TO BE THERE, IN FACT
[ LAUGHTER ] Jimmy: THE ANCHOR WAS LIKE, "RIGHT
ANYWAY, BACK TO THE NEWS HERE ON EARTH." [ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ] YEAH, BIDEN'S GOT IT ALL LOCKED UP AND LAST NIGHT HE WAS
OFFICIALLY PROJECTED TO WIN ANOTHER BIG STATE.
NBC NEWS NOW PROJECTS
JOE BIDEN AS THE WINNER OF ARIZONA. Jimmy: YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT TO
BE HONEST, IT'S REALLY STARTING TO LOOK LIKE TRUMP WON'T WIN THE PRESIDENCY
[ LAUGHTER ] I'M JUST SAYING. YOU CAN TELL TRUMP IS MAD.
TODAY, HE CALLED MEXICO AND TOLD THEM THEY COULD HAVE ARIZONA.
[ LAUGHTER ] THIS AFTERNOON, THE STATE OF GEORGIA WAS ALSO CALLED FOR
JOE BIDEN. OKAY, NOW I'M REALLY THINKING TRUMP MIGHT NOT WIN THE
PRESIDENCY [ LAUGHTER ] I THINK TRUMP IS OUT OF IDEAS.
TODAY, HE ASKED, "IS GUAM A STATE? PROBABLY 80 ELECTORAL VOTES IN
GUAM." MEANWHILE, SPEAKING OF THE PRESIDENT-ELECT, YESTERDAY
BIDEN GOT A VERY SPECIAL CONGRATULATORY PHONE CALL. WATCH THIS
CONGRATULATORY PHONE CALLS FROM WORLD LEADERS, INCLUDING A A PHONE CALL WITH POPE FRANCIS
IT WAS A GREAT CALL THEY TALKED ABOUT FAITH, PEACE, AND WHAT IT'S LIKE TO TAKE OVER
FOR SOMEONE WHO WON'T LEAVE. [ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ]
I'M A LITTLE SURPRISED THE POPE CALLED BIDEN HE'S ALWAYS SEEMED SUCH A BIG
FAN OF TRUMP'S [ LAUGHTER ] IT SEEMS LIKE THERE'S SO MUCH
GOING ON RIGHT NOW TRUMP STILL HASN'T CONCEDED THE ELECTION
THE MASTERS TOURNAMENT JUST KICKED OFF BABY YODA IS BEING CANCELED
ONLINE [ LAUGHTER ] AND MOUNTAIN DEW JUST RELEASED
ITS OWN COOKBOOK THERE'S A LOT TO GO OVER SO LET'S JUST JUMP IN AND COVER IT
ALL AT ONCE. IT'S TIME FOR "NEWS SMASH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
* Jimmy: FIRST UP, THE MASTERS.
THE TOURNAMENT STARTED YESTERDAY AND THE GRAND PRIZE IS WORTH OVER $2 MILLION
EVERYONE IS WAITING TO SEE WHO IS GOING TO WIN OR LOSE IT ALL DOWN IN GEORGIA.
SPEAKING OF LOSING IN GEORGIA, PRESIDENT TRUMP -- [ LAUGHTER ]
LOST THE ELECTION FAIR AND SQUARE BUT REFUSES TO CONCEDE AND NOW SOME OF HIS SUPPORTERS
PLAN TO WATCH ON WASHINGTON. HE COULD STOP ALL OF THIS, BUT HE CONTINUES TO DIVIDE US,
ALMOST AS MUCH AS BABY YODA. PEOPLE - [ LAUGHTER ]
PEOPLE ARE NOT HAPPY WITH HIM. IN A RECENT EPISODE, HE ATE THE EGGS OF AN ENDANGERED SPECIES
AND SOME PEOPLE ARE SAYING HE SHOULD BE PUNISHED [ LAUGHTER ]
SPEAKING OF BEING PUNISHED FOR SOMETHING YOU ATE, THE NEW MOUNTAIN DEW COOKBOOK.
96 PAGES OF RECIPES LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW MOZZARELLA BITES COVERED IN FLAMIN' HOT CHEETO
CRUMBS THAT'S A HEART ATTACK WAITING TO HAPPEN.
WHICH IS ALSO A GOOD WAY TO DESCRIBE PRESIDENT TRUMP [ LAUGHTER ]
L HE SPENT ALL WEEK CLAIMING VOTER FRAUD AND TWEETING CONSPIRACY THEORIES.
COME ON, MAN, YOU LOST EVEN THE POPE SAID BIDEN WON AT SOME POINT YOU HAVE TO LOOK
AT THE PRESIDENT AND GO, "STOP BEING SUCH A BABY. [ LAUGHTER ]
HE REALLY SHOULDN'T HAVE EATEN THOSE EGGS THEY BELONGED TO THAT NICE FROG
LADY WHO CLEARLY TOLD YOU TO STOP, EVEN THOUGH SHE SOUNDED LIKE -
[ IMITATES FROG [ LAUGHTER ] WHICH MAKES ABOUT AS MUCH SENSE
AS A MOUNTAIN DEW COOKBOOK [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE MOUNTAIN DEW JALAPENO POPPERS.
MOUNTAIN DEW PANCAKES. MOUNTAIN DEW CODE RED BRISKET. [ LAUGHTER ]
ACTUALLY, THAT LAST ONE WOULD GO REALLY WELL ON A SANDWICH SAND WEDGE
[ LAUGHTER ] WHICH THEY'LL BE USING -- TARIQ, I CAN HEAR YOU LAUGHING
[ LAUGHTER ] WHICH THEY'LL BE USING AT THE MASTERS.
I ALWAYS WANTED ONE OF THOSE CLASSIC BLAZERS. THEY'RE SO TACKY AND GREEN LIKE
THE MOUNTAIN DEW COOKBOOK. FIRE UP A BLENDER AND TOSS IN BABY YODA.
IN CONCLUSION, DO YOUR BEST. DO BETTER. BETTER DEW
MAYBE DON'T. THIS HAS BEEN A "NEWS SMASH. [ APPLAUSE ]
HEY, LISTEN TO THIS. IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO GET AWAY FOR A FEW DAYS, I HEARD ABOUT
A NEW PLACE THAT YOU CAN RENT. YOU CAN NOW SPEND A NIGHT IN THE MANSION FROM "THE BACHELOR"
AND "THE BACHELORETTE" FOR ONLY $6,000 A NIGHT, YOU CAN RENT THE HOME ON AIRBNB
Jimmy: SIX GRAND MIGHT SOUND STEEP, BUT THE GENITAL WARTS YOU GET FROM THE HOT TUB ARE
FREE SO FAR THERE'S ONLY ONE REVIEW, AND ALL IT SAYS IS, MY BLACK
LIGHT THREW ITSELF IN THE TUB. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF THIS ONE
SOME TOWNS IN JAPAN WERE HAVING PROBLEMS WITH BEARS. SO THEY TRIED A NEW WAY TO
SCARE THEM OFF CHECK IT OUT COUNTRYSIDE TOWNS DEPLOYING
THESE MONSTER WOLVES TO SCARE BEARS AWAY FROM HOMES. FLASHING LIGHTS, 60 DIFFERENT
SOUNDS AND A HEAD THAT CAN SENSE MOTION
Jimmy: I FULLY SUPPORT NOT SHOOTING BEARS, BUT SIT MORE HUMANE TO GIVE THEM A HEART
ATTACK AND FINALLY, THIS IS A GREAT A 102-YEAR-OLD WOMAN JUST
BECAME THE WORLD'S OLDEST CURLER HERE SHE IS.
AH I JUST GOT WORD SHE GOT SUSPENDED FOR PERFORMANCE
ENHANCING PRUNES THAT'S RIGHT, A 102-YEAR-OLD CURLER
EVERY TIME SHE STEPS ONTO THE ICE, HER HIPS ARE LIKE, LOLA, YOU CRAZY BITCH.
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW GIVE IT UP FOR THE ROOTS * *
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. HIS NEW SHOW "POST MALONE'S
CELEBRITY WORLD PONG LEAGUE" PREMIERES NOVEMBER 18th ON MENTION'S WATCH TOGETHER
FEATURE. POST MALONE IS HERE. [ APPLAUSE ]
PLUS, SHE'S THE HOST OF THE PODCAST "BLACK FRASIER," PHOEBE ROBINSON IS HERE
[ APPLAUSE ] AND GREAT MUSIC FROM 2 CHAINZ. * *
THAT'S WHAT HE DOES. CAN'T GO FOR THAT. HE SAMPLES IT, SLOWS IT DOWN
SO IT'S LIKE - * * * MY NAME IS DEE NICE, SO
THOUGH I HATE TO ADMIT IT * THAT'S YOUR GO-TO CALL ME DEE NICE
Jimmy: GUYS, ONE OF OUR FAVORITE GUESTS, JERRY SEINFELD, IS GOING TO BE ON OUR
THANKSGIVING SHOW, OUR THANKSGIVING NIGHT SHOW. TO TALK ABOUT HIS BOOK, "IS
THIS ANYTHING?" THAT'S PERFECT FOR HIM. THIS BOOK IS INCREDIBLE.
IT'S EVERY JOKE THAT HE'S EVER WRITTEN IN HIS 45 YEARS OF DOING STANDUP COMEDY, ALL IN
HERE YOU CAN JUST PICK IT UP AND READ IT.
OH, A SECRET MESSAGE DEAR JIMMY, TAKE FIVE PACES TO YOUR LEFT.
NOW TURN 180 DEGREES TAKE FIVE PACES STRAIGHT LOOK AT YOUR DESK.
IT'S JERRY'S BOOK. OH, COOL YOU GET THIS BOOK, AND YOU CAN
JUST READ IT TO YOUR FRIENDS AND YOUR FAMILY. IT'S LIKE YOU'RE DOING THE BEST
STANDUP ROUTINE IN THE WORLD IT'S REALLY THAT GREAT THE BEST JOKE BOOK THAT YOU CAN
BUY. WE WANTED TO TRY SOMETHING FUN CALLED THE SEINFELD CHALLENGE.
SO PICK UP THE BOOK AND RECORD YOURSELF READING YOUR FAVORITE ROUTINE, LIKE YOU'RE DOING
STANDUP. BUT DON'T DO A SEINFELD IMPRESSION
DO IT AS YOU, JUST BE YOURSELF THEN SEND IT TO US BY GOING TO TONIGHTSHOW.COM/SEINFELD
CHALLENGE. FOR MORE DETAILS WE'RE GOING TO PLAY SOME OF OUR
FAVORITES FOR JERRY ON THE SHOW AND SEE IF WE CAN MAKE HIM LAUGH WITH HIS OWN JOKES
IT WILL BE FUN [ APPLAUSE ] DID YOU HEAR BILLIE EILISH'S
NEW SONG DID YOU HEAR IT TODAY? IT IS CALLED "THEREFORE I AM."
IT IS A JAM. IT'S GREAT YOU KNOW, SHE CAN DO NO WRONG
IN MY BOOK AND HER BROTHER, AMAZING BUT BILLIE EILISH, IT'S SUCH AN
OUT OF THE PARK, IT'S LEFT FIELD SOUND. IT'S A CRUSHER
BUT IT JUST CAME OUT TODAY AND SHE HAS A NEW MUSIC VIDEO AND IT'S AWESOME
SHE FILMED THE WHOLE THING IN AN EMPTY MALL. SHE RIDES THE ESCALATORS
IT'S COOL. IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT, CHECK IT OUT
IT WAS THE NUMBER ONE TRENDING VIDEO ON YOUTUBE ALL DAY TODAY AND ALMOST NO ONE IS IN OUR
VIDEO RIGHT NOW. SO I THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE FUN RE-CREATING THE VIDEO HERE AT
30 ROCK. UNFORTUNATELY, IT DIDN'T GO QUITE AS PLANNED
TAKE A LOOK. [ APPLAUSE ] * *
SIR, SIR, YOU NEED TO PUT YOUR MASK BACK ON. Jimmy: OH, SURE
I WAS TRYING TO LIPSYNC. SORRY. * *
* STOP, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT * HEY, YOU'RE GOING TO
SANITIZE YOUR HANDS? Jimmy: WHAT I JUST SAW YOU TOUCH THE
WALL ARE YOU GOING TO TOUCH YOUR FACE
ARE YOU GOING TO TOUCH SOMEBODY ELSE'S FACE? Jimmy: I'M GOING TO TOUCH MY
FACE NO, I GET IT IT SPREADS GERMS
SANITIZE. Jimmy: I WILL, YES. * *
HEY, SIX FEET Jimmy: SORRY, WE'RE TRYING TO MAKE A VIDEO.
NO, SIX FEET. IF YOU CAN'T DO IT, I'LL HELP YOU.
* * * I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND * ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Jimmy: WHERE DO YOU COME FROM, ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME AROUND
I EXPECT SAFETY BUT -- YOU CAN'T JUST TOUCH FOOD WITH YOUR BARE HANDS
NOW I HAVE TO THROW AWAY THOSE PRETZELS Jimmy: I JUST WANTED
A PRETZEL, THAT'S ALL. YEAH, ARE YOU GOING TO PAY FOR IT
Jimmy: NO, I THOUGHT THEY WERE FREE. OH.
I BET YOU THINK EVERYTHING IS FREE GET OUT!
Jimmy: THIS IS MY STUDIO. THIS IS WHERE I WORK
OUT, OUT! * * HEY
Jimmy: STICK AROUND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "TONIGHT" SHOW, EVERYBODY.
COME ON BACK * MY NAME IS DENISE, AND ALTHOUGH I HATE TO ADMIT *
KEEP GOING, KEEP GOING. Jimmy: NO SEE
Jimmy: AND YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I DID IT WHAT COMES AFTER THAT
Jimmy: THIS IS DEE NICE HEY, GUYS, IT'S FRIDAY AND USUALLY WHEN I TAKE CARE OF
SOME BUSINESS, YOU KNOW? GET SOME THINGS DONE BUT THE DAY GOT COMPLETELY AWAY
FROM ME. I WAS -- I WAS SPLITTING WOOD ALL MORNING.
SPLITTING WOOD? Jimmy: AND I FORGOT TO WRITE MY THANK YOU NOTES
I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS TIME TO WRITE OUT MY THANK YOU NOTES.
IS THAT OKAY CAN I GET SOME MUSIC, PLEASE *
THANK YOU, PENNSYLVANIA ELECTION OFFICIALS, FOR MAKING SURE THE ONLY FRAUD IN PHILLY
IS A CHEESE STEAK AT SUBWAY. * * THANK YOU, CORONAVIRUS VACCINE,
FOR BEING A SCIENTIFIC MARVEL THAT WILL SAVE HUMANITY. OR AS MILLIONS OF AMERICANS PUT
IT, THAT'S ALL GOOD, BUT WHEN IS THE GUMMY VERSION COME OUT? * *
THANK YOU, MASTERS GOLFERS FOR SHOWING US THE COOLEST KIDS IN KHAKIS ALL MONTH
WELL, ALMOST THE COOLEST KORNACKI KORNACKI
* * THANK YOU, FRIDAY THE 13th, FOR BEING THE SCARIEST DAY OF
2020, AFTER HALLOWEEN, ELECTION DAY, AND PRETTY MUCH ALL OF MARCH, APRIL, AND MAY.
* * THANK YOU, I HOP'S NEW FAMILY NIES MEAL.
OR AS MOST OF US PUT IT, YES, THIS IS FOR MY FAMILY. SO I'LL SHARE.
WE'LL ALL GOING TO SHARE THE FEAST. A LITTLE SHORT STACK FOR THE
TABLE. YOU KNOW ME WELL. Jimmy: I'M NOT EVEN -- I'M
JUST GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER FRUIT SALAD. BEEN THERE BEFORE
Jimmy: YEP. * * THANK YOU, STRAWBERRIES, FOR
BEING THE ONLY FRUIT THAT NEEDS A POUR STRIP SOMEONE GOT IT
I LIKE THE DELAYED LAUGH * * THANK YOU, BOSH RESTORATION
CARVING IN SPAIN, FOR LOOKING LIKE ME AT THE BEGINNING OF 2020 AND AT THE END OF 2020.
THERE YOU HAVE IT, EVERYBODY THOSE ARE MY THANK YOU NOTES WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH POST
MALONE Jimmy: MY FIRST GUEST IS A SIX-TIME GRAMMY NOMINATED
ARTIST HE'S ONE OF THE BEST DUDES ON EARTH.
HIS NEW SHOW, "POST MALONE'S CELEBRITY WORLD PONG LEAGUE," PREMIERES NOVEMBER 18th ON
MESSENGER'S NEW WATCH TOGETHER FEATURE. HERE IS POST MALONE!
POSTY! HELLO, EVERYBODY. Jimmy: YEAH
WHAT'S GOING ON, BUBBA? Jimmy: YOU LOOK GOOD, BUD YOU LOOK GREAT
WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW, PAL I'M HOME IN UTAH RIGHT NOW. KIND OF JUST RELAXING AND
TRYING TO STAY OUT OF TROUBLE. YOU KNOW Jimmy: YEAH
YOU'RE LIKE THE MOUNTAIN AIR AND -- FEELS GOOD.
YOU KNOW, I SMOKE TOO MUCH, TOO. SO THE AIR REALLY GETS TO ME
SO I LIKE -- [ DEEP BREATH EVERY TIME I GO UP A SET OF
STAIRS, I CAN'T -- Jimmy: YEAH, YOU LEARN A LESSON EVERY TIME YOU
BREATHE. YES, SIR, I SUPPOSE Jimmy: HAVE YOU BEEN -- I
KNOW YOU PROBABLY HAVE, YOU CAN'T STOP HAVE YOU BEEN WORKING ON NEW
MUSIC? YES, SIR. YOU KNOW, IT'S -- IT'S BEEN
A WHILE, YOU KNOW, GETTING INTO THE STUDIO AND STUFF AFTER, YOU KNOW, KIND OF -- I REMEMBER THE
BEGINNING OF THE WHOLE COVID THING, AND THEN WHEN THEY FINALLY OPENED UP THE STUDIO SO
I COULD GO IN AND WORK, AND LATELY I'VE JUST BEEN, YOU KNOW, TRYING TO MESS AROUND AND
MAKE SOME COOL STUFF AND SOME FUNKY STUFF. AND I THINK WE'RE MAKING SOME
AWESOME STUFF RIGHT NOW. Jimmy: AS A SONGWRITER, IS IT HARDER TO MAKE MUSIC DURING
A TIME LIKE THIS, OR DOES THIS KIND OF PUSH YOU TO ACTUALLY MAKE MUSIC
I DON'T KNOW. I SUPPOSE, YOU KNOW, MAYBE NOT HARDER, BUT MAYBE DIFFERENT.
LIKE I'VE HAD MORE TIME TO BE, I GUESS, INTROSPECTIVE YOU KNOW, KIND OF NOT BEING
ABLE TO GO OUT Jimmy: HEY, POST, I THINK THERE'S A BURGLAR TRYING TO
BREAK INTO YOUR HOUSE. OH, YEAH, THESE GUYS -- I DON'T KNOW, THEY JUST HANG
AROUND [ LAUGHTER ] Jimmy: YOU PAY THEM TO BREAK
INTO YOUR HOUSE? DUDE, YOU RUINED THE WHOLE BIT.
THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE WHOLE BIT FOR THE SHOW [ LAUGHTER ]
Jimmy: IT'S ALMOST LIKE CATO WE'LL GIVE THEM THE GUEST
HOUSE OVER THERE Jimmy: YOU PAY THEM TO BREAK IN JUST TO MAKE SURE YOUR
SECURITY SYSTEM WORKS. [ LAUGHTER ] YOU LOOK COOL, MAN
HE'S GOT NO FACE DUDE, I LIKE THAT CHARACTER, MAN, NO FACE
THAT GUY SCARED ME HEY, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR NEW SHOW, CALLED "POST MALONE'S
CELEBRITY WORLD PONG LEAGUE. IT PREMIERES NEXT WEEK ON MESSENGER'S NEW WATCH TOGETHER
FEATURE. WHICH IS A REALLY FUN FEATURE, BY THE WAY
WHAT MADE YOU THINK OF THIS IDEA UMM, I GUESS JUST BEING
DRUNK, PLAYING BEER PONG YOU KNOW, I FIGURED EVENTUALLY WE WANT TO KIND OF MAKE IT LIKE
A LEAGUE AND DO LIKE -- I DON'T -- MAYBE NOT ARENAS OFF RIP, BUT LIKE MIDDLE SCHOOL
BASKETBALL COURTS. [ LAUGHTER ] YOU KNOW, SMALL-SCALE TYPE
DEAL BUT, I WANT TO MAKE IT EVERY CITY HAS A TEAM, WHERE LIKE THE
BEST SCHOOLS, YOU KNOW, THE BEST BEER PONG PLAYERS FROM EACH SCHOOL HAVE A TEAM AND
IT'S WHOLE BRACKET LIKE THE NFL OR THE NBA OR SOMETHING. THAT'S DOWN THE LINE
YOU KNOW, BUT THIS SHOW IS MORE ABOUT JUST KICKING IT WITH A A COUPLE OF FRIENDS AND JUST,
YOU KNOW, TALKING, SHOOTING THE BREEZE, AND JUST PLAYING BEER PONG, GETTING A LITTLE DRUNK,
YOU KNOW IT'S A LOT OF FUN. Jimmy: I HEARD A STORY, AND
IT HAS TO BE TRUE, BUT DID YOU CHALLENGE PATRICK MAHOMES, SUPER BOWL MVP,
PATRICK MAHOMES, TO A GAME OF BEER PONG, AND WHAT WENT DOWN? AND WAS THERE A BET?
YEAH. HE CHALLENGED ME, AND I WAS SO GAME AND I WAS LIKE, "LET'S
GO." WE WERE BACKSTAGE, I THINK WE WERE IN KC, BUT WE WERE BACK
STAGE, AND PATRICK MAHOMES AND TRAVIS KELCE WALK IN AND THEY WERE LIKE, "LET'S PLAY SOME
PONG." THEY HAD JUST WON THE SUPER BOWL
AND I'M LIKE, WELL, YOU KNOW, THERE'S NO WAY I'M GOING TO SAY NO
BECAUSE IN ACTUALITY, I'M THE BEST PLAYER, I KNOW. BUT YOU KNOW, WE GOT DOWN THE
LINE A COUPLE OF GAMES, AND I WAS STARTING TO GET DRUNK AND THEY GET BEATING US AND BEATING
US AND BEATING US. AND THEN I WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT
LET'S KEEP PLAYING AND IF YOU WIN, I'LL GET A A TATTOO OF A
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS LOGO, AND Y'ALL'S AUTOGRAPH ON MY ARM, AS WELL."
Jimmy: THEIR AUTOGRAPHS YEAH, YEAH, YOU WANT TO SEE IT
Jimmy: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS, MAN. OH, MY GOSH.
THAT'S THE GOOD STUFF RIGHT THERE. Jimmy: OH, MY GOSH.
THIS IS ON ME FOREVER Jimmy: ONLY YOU WOULD DO THAT
THAT IS SO FUNNY, MAN. DID THEY FREAK OUT YEAH, HE WAS LIKE, "YOU
DON'T HAVE TO REALLY DO IT." I WAS LIKE, "OH COME ON, MAN, LET ME DO IT
I TOLD YOU I WOULD DO IT." Jimmy: I TOLD YOU, I'M A MAN OF MY WORD
I'M A MAN OF MY WORD JIMMY, WILL YOU SAY HI TO MY STEPMOM.
Jimmy: YEAH PLEASE I WOULD LOVE TO.
I WOULD BE HONORED MOM. WHERE'S STEPMOM?
YOU'RE ALWAYS MEETING MOMS. Jimmy: I KNOW THE MOMS DIG YOU.
Jimmy: YEAH THIS IS JODY. Jimmy: OH, COME ON.
WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME HI, NICE -- COME ON! NICE TO MEET YOU
ARE YOU HAVING FUN OUT THERE IN UTAH WE LOVE UTAH.
GREAT, GREAT TIME. Jimmy: IT REALLY IS GOOD. STAY SAFE, OKAY?
THANKS, YOU TOO Jimmy: ARE YOU KIDDING ME HOW CUTE
THAT'S SO FUN. SHE'S THE BEST. Jimmy: YOU PLAYED BEER PONG
AGAINST A LOT OF FAMOUS PEOPLE ANYONE ELSE WE WOULD BE SURPRISED TO LEARN ISN'T REALLY
THAT GOOD? UMM, TRYING TO THINK. I PLAYED WITH K.D., KEVIN
DURANT HE WAS GOOD. HE'S A CHEATER, BECAUSE HIS
WING PAN IS LIKE TEN FEET. Jimmy: HE'S A LEANER HIS ELBOWS WERE OVER THE LINE EVERY
TIME YOU CAN'T HELP IT, THOUGH. IF YOU'RE SO -- YOUR WINGSPAN
IS SO LONG, YOU CAN'T HELP IT. Jimmy: YOU CAN'T DUNK THE BALL
DRAKE'S NO GOOD Jimmy: WHERE DID YOU PLAY BRAKE?
IN TORONTO, I THINK HE CAME BACKSTAGE AT THE SHOW IN TORONTO, AND WE STARTED
PLAYING BEER PONG. I WAS JUST LIKE, MAN, HE SUCKS Jimmy: YOU'RE TERRIBLE.
IF YOU SEE THIS, COME MEET ME AGAIN, WE'LL PLAY AGAIN HE WAS TERRIBLE.
Jimmy: YOU'VE BEATEN ME BEFORE IN BEER PONG, AND I WAS HAPPY.
I WAS ACTUALLY IT WAS A BADGE OF HONOR TO LOSE TO YOU. BUT I HAVE AN IDEA FOR A
A REMATCH. WHAT IF YOU AND I COMPETED IN EVERY DRINKING GAME EVER IN ONE
GAME I'M READY TO GO Jimmy: POST MALONE AND I ARE
GOING HEAD TO HEAD IN EVERY DRINKING GAME EVER, WHEN WE COME BACK.
MORE "TONIGHT" SHOW. STICK AROUND *
Jimmy: WELCOME BACK TO "THE TONIGHT SHOW." I'M HANGING OUT WITH MY GOOD
FRIEND, I'M HANGING OUT WITH MY SON, POST MALONE POST -
WHAT'S UP, DAD? Jimmy: SINCE YOU ORE ABOUT TO LAUNCH YOUR BRAND NEW
CELEBRITY WORLD PONG LEAGUE, I WANTED TO CHALLENGE YOU TO THE EVERY DRINKING GAME EVER
CHALLENGE. * * * EVERY DRINKING GAME
CHALLENGE * OKAY POST, THIS FIRST ONE IS
A CLASSIC. THE FIRST GAME WE'RE ABOUT TO PLAY IS FLIP CUP
* * FLIP CUP FIRST ONE TO DRINK AND FLIP ALL
THEIR CUPS WINS. Jimmy: NERVOUS AT ALL NOT AT ALL.
Jimmy: READY? YES, SIR. Jimmy: SET, GO.
* *
Jimmy: WHAT IS UP, MAN! QUARTERS, BOUNCE THE QUARTER
OFF THE TABLE INTO THE SHOT GLASS. I'M GOING TO BE STRAIGHT
WITH YOU, I'VE NEVER PLAYED THIS GAME. IT SEEMS A BIT PREMORDIAL.
Jimmy: HERE WE GO ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, GO. * *
THAT ONE WENT BACKWARD OH, MY GOSH! OH, MY GOSH!
DUDE, WHAT IS HAPPENING? GRANDPA'S GOT TO GET BACK OUT ON THE SCENE
THIS IS LIKE OLD TIMER'S DAY AT THE BALLPARK CAN WE HAVE A REPLAY OF THAT,
JUST SO POST CAN SEE THE MAGIC OF THIS? WATCH THIS GEM
BOING. ENJOY THAT COLD BEVERAGE, MY FRIEND
CHEERS CHEERS, JIM Jimmy: CHEERS, BUD.
NEVER HAVE I EVER PUT A A FINGER DOWN IF YOU'VE DONE THE DEED
FIRST PERSON WITH ALL FINGERS DOWN LOSES Jimmy: THREE FINGERS UP
I WILL START NEVER HAVE I EVER. LOST $1,000 ON A BET
SPECIFICALLY $1,000 Jimmy: IN THAT BALLPARK OVER.
Jimmy: OVER YEAH, I'VE MADE SOME DUMB BETS IN MY LIFE.
Jimmy: I'M GOING TO SAY $10,000. LET'S DO $10,000, TOO
Jimmy: YOU'VE GOT TO PUT A FINGER DOWN, OH, MY GOSH NOW YOU ASK.
NEVER HAVE I EVER TAKEN THE POSTAL EXAM AS A CAREER FALLBACK
Jimmy: YOU SADLY KNOW TOO MUCH ABOUT ME. MY PARENTS REALLY BELIEVED IN
MY COMEDY CAREER AND I WAS A -- I WOULD HAVE BEEN A GREAT MAILMAN.
I GOT JOB OFFERS THEY WOULD HAVE LOVED ME YES, I HAVE DONE THAT.
AND GOSH, I LOVE THE POST OFFICE AND I LOVE POSTAL WORKERS.
OKAY, MY MAN, HAVE YOU EVER -- NEVER HAVE I EVER GONE OUT FOR DRINKING ONE NIGHT AND WOKE UP
IN A DIFFERENT CITY. ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S BAD FOR ME, BECAUSE I
HAVE DONE THAT TWO TIMES. YOU GOT ONE FOR ME
NEVER HAVE I EVER BEEN MISTAKEN FOR ANOTHER CELEBRITY Jimmy: OH, MY GOSH.
THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME TOM CRUISE
EVERY TIME I GO OUT. TOM CRUISE? Jimmy: YEAH
TOM CRUISE, ALL THE TIME I GET BRAD PITT ALL THE TIME
BEER PONG, THROW A PING-PONG BALL IN YOUR OPPONENT'S CUP. FIRST TO SINK EACH CUP WINS.
Jimmy: POST, SINCE YOU'RE THE RESIDENT BEER PONG EXPERT, I'M GOING TO GO FIRST.
HERE WE GO HEY, DO YOU SOAK YOUR BALL, DO YOU GET IT WET BEFORE YOU THROW
IT YES, SIR. IT'S IMPORTANT TO MAKE IT --
Jimmy: OF COURSE IT'S IMPORTANT. HERE WE GO, BUD.
* * THAT'S ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
Jimmy: COME ON, BUD LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT THIS IS GOING TO BE BAD.
* * GOSH ALL RIGHT, COME ON, COME ON.
LET'S MAKE IT CLOSE. THAT WAS JUST UGLY, UGLY THAT WAS JUST UGLY
HE'S A NINJA HE'S A MASTER. ON THE PONG SHOW, I DIDN'T
DO SO WELL IT WAS NOT MY WEEK Jimmy: TWO DOWN
HERE WE GO GOSH I THINK I JUST HIT YOU IN THE
NAD. OH, YES Jimmy: HE'S THE MASTER.
HE IS THE MASTER HE REMAINS THE CHAMPION! POST MALONE, EVERYBODY
HIS NEW SHOW, "POST MALONE'S CELEBRITY WORLD PONG LEAGUE. THAT IS OUT NOVEMBER 18th ON
MESSENGER'S WATCH TOGETHER YOU'RE THE CHAMP, POSTY. ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE YOU
STICK AROUND WE'VE GOT MORE "TONIGHT" SHOW. Jimmy: MY NEXT GUEST IS A
A VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN, A BEST SELLING AUTHOR AND THE HOST OF THE PODCAST "BLACK FRASIER."
SHE'S ALSO THE HOST OF THE BUY BLACK FRIDAY SHOW AIRING FRIDAYS ON FACEBOOK.
HERE IS PHOEBE ROBINSON. PHOEBE, LOOK AT YOU. YOU LOOK FANTASTIC
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING BACK ON THE SHOW THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME
YOU LOOK GREAT, TOO. I'M LIKING YOUR LITTLE WHITE BOY I JUST GOT OUT OF BED
HAIRSTYLE. IT'S VERY CUTE BUT IT'S LIKE, TASTEFUL, YOU
KNOW WHAT I MEAN IT'S LIKE, YOU'RE NOT LIKE -- IT UP.
Jimmy: THANK YOU. IT'S LIKE, I COULD. Jimmy: I COULD, I'M NOT, BUT
I COULD. THAT'S THE BEST -- THAT'S THE NICEST ANYONE HAS SAID TO ME
DURING THIS WHOLE QUARANTINE THANK YOU. YOU'RE WELCOME.
Jimmy: NOT ONLY ARE YOU WORKING ON YOUR THIRD BOOK, BUT THIS -- HOW COOL IS THIS
YOU HAVE YOUR OWN IMPRINT. HOW DO YOU LIKE HAVING YOUR OWN IMPRINT?
CONGRATULATIONS. THANK YOU IT'S SO EXCITING
IT'S CALLED "TINY REPARATIONS" BOOKS AND, YOU KNOW, WE'RE LOOKING TO PUBLISH LIKE A LOT
OF WOMEN, PEOPLE OF COLOR AND QUEER PEOPLE AND IT'S ESSAY COLLECTIONS,
NOVELS, FICTION AND A LITTLE BIT OF LIKE, YOU KNOW, SORT OF NONFICTION
IT'S REALLY EXCITING I LIKE BEING THE BOSS, OKAY? IT'S SO FUN.
AND THEN THERE'S LIKE OTHER THING WHERE IS YOU'RE LIKE I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT LIKE OFFICE
SUPPLIES COST AND PEOPLE ARE LIKE, I THINK I NEED A PRINTER I'M LIKE, YOU DON'T NEED A
A PRINTER. WHAT YOU NEED INK FOR? LIKE, WHAT -
Jimmy: THANK YOU. LOOK AT IT ON YOUR iPAD DON'T WASTE MY MONEY ON INK.
WE DON'T NEED IT I'M OUT. Jimmy: THAT'S RIGHT, GOOD
I WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR NEW PODCAST, "BLACK FRASIER. OH, MY GOSH.
I LOVE THE NAME. ARE YOU A FRASIER FAN? I AM NOT.
Jimmy: THERE YOU GO, THERE YOU GO I'VE NEVER SEEN IT, I'VE
NEVER SEEN IT. BUT MY BOYFRIEND IS WHITE AND HE'S BETWEEN THE ENTIRE SERIES
TWICE. AND I'M LIKE, CAN YOU JUST, I DON'T KNOW, READ A BOOK BY TONY
MORRISON AT THIS POINT HOW MUCH FRAS DO YOU NEED IN YOUR LIFE?
MY BOYFRIEND SAYS I LIKE TO GIVE A LOT OF ADVICE, HES SAID YOU'RE BLACK FRASIER, AND THE
NAME STUCK IT'S BEEN SO FUN I'VE HAD SO MANY AMAZING
CONVERSATIONS WITH PEOPLE LIKE ABBY JACOBSON AND JOHN HAM AND MICHELLE OBAMA
SO IT'S BEEN A REALLY FUN FIRST SEASON Jimmy: AT THE END OF YOUR
PODCAST, I WAS LISTENING AND YOU READ THE CREDITS, AND YOU CREDIT SASHA AND MALIA OBAMA AS
YOUR INTERNS BUT YOU SAID YOU'RE TRYING TO SPEAK THIS INTO EXISTENCE.
AND HAVE YOU SPOKEN THINGS INTO EXISTENCE BEFORE IS THAT A THING YOU DO
YEAH. SO I REALLY LOVE THE SECRET, AND I KNOW THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE
MAKE FUN OF THE SECRET IT'S LIKE IT'S NOT REAL OR IT'S FAKE
IT'S LIKE YOU JUST SAY SOMETHING AND YOU GET IT I'M LIKE WELL, YOU HAVE TO
THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE ASKING FOR. WHEN PEOPLE ARE LIKE, I WANT TO
HAVE MICHAEL JORDAN'S BABY Jimmy: NO, NO HE CAN'T GOT ENOUGH SPERM
FOR EVERYBODY, SO YOU'VE GOT TO LET THIS DREAM GO. Jimmy: THAT'S EXACTLY THE
RIGHT ANSWER I WANT TO MENTION YOUR SHOW ON FACEBOOK, TOO, AS WELL
GOSH, YOU'RE BUSY AND DOING SO MANY CREATIVE AND COOL THINGS. SO HAPPY YOU'RE DOING THIS
STUFF. IT'S CALLED THE #BUYBLACKFRIDAYSHOW.
CAN YOU TELL EVERYONE WHAT THIS SHOW IS AND HOW IT CAME ABOUT AND IT'S AWESOME THAT YOU'RE
DOING THIS OH, THANK YOU WE'VE BEEN DOING IT EVERY
FRIDAY LEADING UP TO BLACK FRIDAY YOU KNOW, I LIKE TO SHUT OUT
BLACK BUSINESSES ON MY PODCAST AS I WAS TALKING TO FACEBOOK ABOUT MY PODCAST, THEY SAID WE
HAVE THIS SHOW IDEA, BECAUSE THE STAT IS THAT OVER 40% OF BLACK OWNED BUSINESSES ARE NOT
GOING TO SURVIVE THE HOLIDAY SEASON THANKS TO COVID WHICH IS -- THAT'S A HUGE
NUMBER, 4-0, 40, THAT'S SO SCARY. SO WE USE THE SHOW EVERY WEEK,
I INTERVIEW THREE DIFFERENT BLACK OWNED BUSINESSES AND IT GIVES THEM THAT PLATFORM TO
SHOW OFF THEIR WORK THAT THEY CREATED AND HOW THEY'RE BUILDING TRUST AND LOVE IN
THEIR COMMUNITIES. IT'S BEEN REALLY, REALLY EXCITING
ISN'T THAT AMAZING? AND SAFELY FROM YOUR OWN HOME, YOU'RE HELPING EACH OTHER AND
EVERYONE SHOULD HELP EACH OTHER AND SUPPORT LOCAL BUSINESSES AND BLACK BUSINESSES
PLEASE I THINK THAT IS A GREAT CAUSE, AND I THINK IT'S AWESOME
EVERY SINGLE THING YOU'RE DOING, I LOVE IT PAL, KEEP GOING.
DON'T STOP I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU AGAIN SOON
STAY SAFE AND THANKS FOR COMING ON THE SHOW. THANK YOU SO MUCH
Jimmy: MY THANKS TO PHOEBE ROBINSON THE BUY BLACK FRIDAY SHOW AIRS
FRIDAYS ON FACEBOOK AND CHECK OUT HER PODCAST "BLACK FRASIER.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH A A PERFORMANCE FROM 2 CHAINZ. STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY.
*
Jimmy: PERFORMING "CAN'T GO FOR THAT" FROM HIS NEW ALBUM, "SO HELP ME GOD," OUT NOW, HERE
IS 2 CHAINZ. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE *
* EASY READY WILLIN OVERTIME GOOD EVENING BOY
AND GIRLS * * I GO BY THE NAM LIL DUVA
AKA CHEST HAIR SHAWT I KNOW YA'LL COME TO SEE * * 2 CHAINZ BUT WE GOT
SOMETHING BETTER FROM THE VIBE HEADQUARTERS GIVE IT UP FOR *
* WE VIBIN' NOW VIBIN' NOW BACK AND BACK *
* AND FORTH AND FORT AND BACK AND BACK *
* AND FORTH AND FORTH SAY BACK AND BAC AND FORTH AND FORT
AND BACK AND BACK * * AND FORTH AND FORTH DOIN' SUCH A GOOD JO
I PAT MYSELF ON THE BACK FLIGHT CONFIRMATION * * I CASH THROUGH THE AP
AIN'T NOBODY ROBBIN' M I ANSWER DOORS WITH A STRAP *
* ANYWHERE I GO I PUT THE SOUTHSID ON THE MAP
SHORTY SAID SHE LOVED ME * * I SAID I LOVED ME BAC TRIED TO CUSS ME OUT
I AIN'T GOIN' FOR THAT SAID THEY WANT * * MY PLUGS SO THEY CA
ORDER THE PACK BUT I'M ADDICTED TO THE TRAP YOU NEVER KNOW *
* I'LL RELAPSE SO I CAN'T GO FOR THA NO NO NO CAN D
I CAN'T GO FOR THAT * * NO NO NO CAN DO I CAN'T GO FOR THA
NO NO NO CAN D I CAN'T GO FOR THAT * * CAN'T GO FOR THAT
CAN'T GO FOR THA CAN'T GO FOR THA I CALLED YOUR PHONE *
* YOU AIN'T ANSWER YOUR I AIN'T GOIN FOR THE BULL
LIKE A MATADOR * * YOU TEXT ME I I DON'T REPLY QUIC
YOU TRIP I'M JEFE I'M THE HIGHEST * * ON THE LIST
KICK IT LIKE JUD THE NUMERO UNO YES I'M THE HIGHNESS *
* MY HOUSE SO FAR BACK IN THE WOODS THAT CAN'T NOBODY FIND US
MY DRIVEWAY SO LONG * * THAT YOU CA RUN OUT OF GAS
KEEP ASKIN' ME FOR MONEY YOU NEED TO GET OFF YOUR * * I CAN'T GO FOR THAT
NO NO NO CAN D I CAN'T GO FOR THA NO NO NO CAN DO *
* I CAN'T GO FOR THAT NO NO CAN DO I CAN'T GO FOR THA
CAN'T GO FOR THAT * * CAN'T GO FOR THAT CAN'T GO FOR THA
I BEAT THE CHARG AND I BOUNCE BACK * * DROPPED 125 AND
BROUGHT A OUNCE BACK I GOT THE COGNAC COLOR ON THE INSIDE *
* AND THE FORGIATO'S CUFFIN WITH THE BIG TIRES IF YOUR FRIEND COM
MAKE SURE SHE KEEP QUIET * * AND THE NEXT TIME I SEE HER I'LL BE SENILE
I LOOK AROUND LIKE THIS MUST BE A MIX UP * * I CAN'T MESS WITH Y
IF YOU'RE GONNA SWITCH U YEAH I CAN'T GO FOR THAT *
* NO NO NO CAN DO I CAN'T GO FOR THA NO NO NO CAN D
I CAN'T GO FOR THAT * * NO NO CAN D I CAN'T GO FOR THA
CAN'T GO FOR THA CAN'T GO FOR THAT * * CAN'T GO FOR THAT
I CAN'T GO FOR THA NO NO NO CAN D I CAN'T GO FOR THAT *
* NO NO NO CAN DO I CAN'T GO FOR THA NO NO NO CAN D
I CAN'T GO FOR THAT * * CAN'T GO FOR THAT CAN'T GO FOR THA
CAN'T GO FOR THAT * * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Jimmy: THANK YOU ALL FOR WATCHING STAY SAFE OUT THERE.
WASH YOUR HANDS. DON'T TOUCH YOUR FACE. STAY TUNED FOR "LATE NIGHT WITH
SETH MEYERS. GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY!