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Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
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# Today's the day I decorate with
paper I got off the eBay
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# It's a surprise for Bob
So I've done a good job
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# I think he'll be over the moon
with it
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# Look what he did
The useless prick
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# He's covered my home with horses
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# I wish that he
would leave well alone
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# And stop destroying
my beautiful HOME! #
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So, Bob, what do you think?
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What do I think? It's awful!
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It's like seeing your mum in a
codpiece. What's the scenario here?
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Horses. Beautiful horses.
Some of them galloping.
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Some of them... not so galloping.
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That one there's
more like a kangaroo.
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Kangaroo?!
That's Billy Bongo.
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He won the Grand National in
1927 and 1978. Billy Bongo!
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I remember Billy Bongo.
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Whatever happened to Billy?
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Well, he got eaten by the IRA. Oh.
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And what about this fella here?
This one, it's too long.
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It's like a German sausage dog.
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Well, you're
right about the German,
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because it's a German tandem horse
for two people, you know,
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for lovers or friends, you know.
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It's a German honeymoon horse.
Oh, right.
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Bob, did I ever tell you
I was a horse whistler?
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I think you mean horse whisperer.
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No, horse whistler.
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I used to whistle...
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Whoops... and the horses would come.
Very useful at the stud farm.
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Of course, yeah.
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Well, I'll tell you what, Vic,
I'm gonna live with it,
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well, up to half an hour or so,
and then you can rip it down
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and we'll have it burnt in the
brazier at a gypsy encampment.
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Well, charming!
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# Have a look
I'm all dressed up
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# Today I'm meeting a lady
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# I have to admit
I'm feeling shit
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# I was up till half four
drinking lager. #
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Here, I like your new wallpaper.
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That's German honeymoon horses,
innit? Yeah.
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Apparently. Billy Bongo there.
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Some of them galloping.
Some of them not so galloping.
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See, he's not ignorant. Yeah.
So, Bosh, you moving out today? No.
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Why would I, you twat? Whoa!
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Well, firstly,
because it's not your house
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and also, I've never actually
invited you to live here, have I?
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You're still ill, aren't you? Am I?
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Yeah, you're still ill, you know,
whooping cough.
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Oh, yeah, whooping cough.
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Whoo-hoo.
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Whoo-hoo. So, Bosh, what's with the
fancy clobber? Top half anyway like.
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Well, I've got me probation officer
coming round to check on us, like.
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Now, I've told her that
I've got a steady job
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and that Julie next door
is my fiance.
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Oh, yes, and I've also told her that
I own this place.
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Hey, hey, hey, no way. Never.
Not gonna happen. No way.
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This is not barnacle country.
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Oh, yes, I think it is. Oh,
yes, yes, yes. Yes, it will.
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Oh, Bosh! Hold on, Bosh!
Your breath stinks!
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Does it? Oh, man!
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It stinks of booze and... flies.
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Well, I've been
having a party, haven't I?
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You can't
see your probation officer
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stinking of booze and flies.
Here, hang on.
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Try a bit of this. What is it?
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Cheeky chicken.
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Well, how about that?
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It repels chickens as well.
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And if I was you, Bosh,
I'd put some trousers on.
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Your probation office might not
be as free-thinking as me.
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You know what I mean, like? Bosh.
Some trousers. Some trousers on.
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Bosh makes tentative step towards
trouser collection.
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Well done, Bosh. Well done.
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Can you believe that? Him wanting to
say that this is his house?
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I can't believe it.
Isn't it extraordinary?
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It is extraordinary. I can't
believe it. Hey, Bob, Bob.
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Yeah? Forgot to tell you.
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This wallpaper also repels flies.
Yeah? How come?
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00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:05,999
Well, I put up
these rolls here with
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a mixture of fly spray and hair gel.
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Oh, get you!
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And it'll also keep
all the wasps away as well.
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Yeah, but we don't actually get wasps
in here, do we, Vic?
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Hmm, well, you will now, because
I've put this roll up here with marmalade.
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Thick cut, that's why it's a bit
lumpier than the others.
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Do you know what you are, Vic? What?
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You're an idiot. A what?
Yeah, you're an idiot.
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I'm an idiot, am I? You're an idiot,
yeah. I'm an idiot. An idiot.
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Would an idiot be able to do this?
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Eh? It's beautiful,
it's beautiful, yeah.
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Now who's the idiot?
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Aye, so I'm an idiot, yeah.
Yeah.
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# Wanna make love tonight
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# I wanna make love all right
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# I wanna make love to... #
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Horses.
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Some galloping.
Some not so galloping. Yes.
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Famously ridden through the streets
of Coventry by Lady Godiva naked.
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I said NEIGH-ked.
You know what I mean?
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Beef, I like your belt!
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It's yellow. The most yellow
of all my yellow belts.
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As yellow as a buttercup.
Like the buttercup,
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I can use this to test whether you
like yellow belts.
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Come closer.
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Closer still.
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Closer still.
Oh, right, oh right. OK.
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That's it, down we go. OK.
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Yes. Yeah.
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That's it. You there. Come here.
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Test whether he likes yellow belts.
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Can you get in there? Yeah.
Ooh. Yes.
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Urgh! Urgh! Urgh!
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So, Vic, do I like yellow belts,
can you see? Yeah.
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Yes, I do. Yes, you do.
Well, that makes sense
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because I said I liked his belt.
Can I have me wig back, please?
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I've no idea what you're
talking about. Excuse me?
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I said I've no idea what
you're talking about.
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Vic, just give us me wig back.
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It's down there.
Look, it's trying to escape again.
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Yeah.
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Yeah? Yeah?
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Oh, you're laughing, are you?
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Hello, everybody.
I like the new wallpaper.
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German honeymoon horses.
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Yeah. Come and have a look.
Yeah, I'll come and have a look.
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No, wait there. Just the cool guys.
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You like it?
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That's fucking genius.
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Uh-huh. Some of 'em galloping.
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And some of them not so galloping.
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This is why I like you so much, Vic.
You keep on surprising me.
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Erik, I've got some wallpaper
I could put up in your room for you.
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It's got like aircraft on it
and robots.
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00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:11,999
Aircraft?
Do I look like I'm five years old?
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"I'm in an aircraft.
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"I should probably land so my mum
can change my diaper."
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Need to learn when to shut up,
we were having a moment. Oh.
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Yeah, Erik, I'll see you
later on at dusk.
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We'll have a Ribena together
or something.
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You crazy, Vic.
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So, what was it you came
round for, Beef?
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I'm storing some things for Bosh.
Is he around? Is he?
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I don't know.
I'll have a look if he's upstairs.
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Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh!
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Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh!
Bosh! Bosh!
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Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh!
Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh!
148
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Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh!
Bosh! Bosh! Bosh!
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00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:07,999
He's up there. He's probably got his
head submerged.
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00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:10,999
What, he's having a bath? No, he'll
be looking at his tropical fish.
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00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:14,999
So, what did you come round for,
Beef?
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All right. Just hiding some things
for him until the heat dies down.
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00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:22,999
Anyway, are there any women in the
flat? I'm feeling incredibly randy.
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No, of course not, Beef.
I'll be off then.
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I shall sit on my dishwasher until
the feeling passes. All the best.
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Yeah. Bye, Beef. Bye, Beef.
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She's nearly here. So here's the
plan - you two get lost. One of you
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go and get Julie and one of you come
back pretending to be me boss.
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00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:40,999
No, I'm not doing it.
I'm not doing it, Bosh.
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I'll have no part to play in it.
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Sorry, I'm not doing it.
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Well, in that case,
I have no alternative than to
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play my trump card
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and send these exotic photographs
of you to the national press.
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Exotic photo? What exotic photos?!
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Ah-ha! The John McCririck ones.
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Ssh... I thought
I told you to get rid of them.
168
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:04,999
Yeah, well, no. I sent them to
Bosh when he was in prison.
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00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:07,999
I thought it might cheer him up.
And they did, Vic, they did.
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00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:11,000
Have you still got them?
Yeah, have a look at those.
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00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,999
Ooh, what's that you
and John are sitting on?
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00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:19,999
You're riding around on,
is it a St Bernard?
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00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:23,999
Yes. What's that on your head?
It's a Christmas pudding.
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00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:25,999
Oh, that's a nice one, you've
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00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:27,999
got your arms around John's waist.
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00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,999
Is that a rolling pin
you're holding there?
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00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:33,999
Here. There! Ha-ha! All gone.
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00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,999
That won't destroy
the negatives, mate.
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00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:39,999
Oh, ssh... I should've killed you
when I had the chance.
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00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:41,308
Right, she's here.
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00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:43,699
Go on, get out. Get out.
One of you go and get Julie
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00:09:43,700 --> 00:09:45,268
and one of you come back
pretending to be me boss.
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00:09:45,300 --> 00:09:46,831
Go on. Scram, scram, scram.
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00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:53,000
Oh, hello. Do come in, Fiona, and
make yourself at home, you twat.
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00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:58,999
So, this is your new home?
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00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:02,999
I like your German honeymoon horses.
Some of them galloping.
187
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,999
Some of them not so galloping.
188
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:07,999
But where have my manners...
They have abandoned me.
189
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:11,999
Please, sit yourself down there,
my sweet, sweet darling.
190
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:13,999
Now, can I get you a lager,
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00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:18,000
a cigarette or perhaps
a chicken nugget?
192
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,999
Thank you. I'm fine.
193
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:27,999
So, how have things been going
since your release, Mr er... Bush?
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00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:28,999
Bosh. Not Bush?
195
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:31,999
Nutbush City Limits.
Whatever you like.
196
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:34,000
Do carry on, your worship.
197
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:36,999
You clamber up through that window
and be quiet.
198
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,999
Right, go on. Give us hoggle up. Eh?
Cup your hands.
199
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,999
No, down there. Come on. Oh, I know
what you mean, like on the telly.
200
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:44,999
Yeah. On the telly. Ooh!
Is that... You've got it?
201
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:48,999
It's quite refreshing, but no,
it's not right. OK, I'll decouple.
202
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,999
I know. Here...
203
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,999
on there, on the waistband there,
get it in there.
204
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:56,999
You've got purchase? Yeah. Oh.
205
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:58,999
Up you go. Come on.
206
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:02,999
Hang on, it's quite hard.
Oh, thanks very much. Oh!
207
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:06,000
Ah!
208
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,000
Shush!
209
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,999
Sorry, what is going on in there?
210
00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:24,999
Oh, that will be my maid.
She's continental, don't you know?
211
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:28,999
Excuse me one moment
while I go and chide her.
212
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:35,000
Oi! Shut up in there, you daft cow,
before I come in there and bite you!
213
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:39,999
I'm so sorry about that, madam.
Now, where were we?
214
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:43,000
That's your fault that! Shush!
It's your fault.
215
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:47,000
Look what you've done now!
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00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:03,000
Ssh!
217
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:05,999
Turn it off at the fuse board!
218
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:07,999
Yeah, no problem.
219
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:11,000
Get in the fuse board in there.
Turn it off.
220
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:30,999
So, this is your house?
And does your maid live here?
221
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:32,999
Yes. Pardon me, madam.
222
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:34,999
I'm so sorry about all this
infernal noise.
223
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:36,999
What must you think of me?
Not much I'm sure.
224
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:40,000
Excuse me whilst I go
and rap the bloody servant.
225
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:49,000
Oi! Oh, aye!
Something's happening. Ooh!
226
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:57,999
Go and get Julie,
you big bag of nought.
227
00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,000
Tell her to pretend to be me wife.
228
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:25,999
I'm so sorry about that, but running
a house of this size and grandeur
229
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,999
is a constant worry for both me
and my fiancee,
230
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:32,000
who will be here shortly, you twat.
231
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:36,999
Yoo-hoo. Ah!
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00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:40,000
Julie, I was just wondering if
you could... Hang on a minute.
233
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:51,999
Julie, I was wondering if you could
do me a favour?
234
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:53,999
Oh, yes, of course. But first of all,
235
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:55,999
I'm absolutely desperate
to go fishing.
236
00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:58,999
Oh, come on, don't be an arsehole,
just say yes. Please?
237
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,999
Oh, yes, yes, yes. Come on a little
spot of fishing. Come on. Right.
238
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:06,999
Landing nets, hooks. Yeah. All the
fishing shit. Come on, let's fish,
239
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:12,999
let's do it. Ah! Oh I did enjoy that
did you? What did you catch?
240
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:16,999
Nothing. Oh, come on, I saw your float
bobbing and the fish taking your bait.
241
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:18,999
Oh, don't be tight.
Tell me what you got.
242
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:21,000
A trout. Hold it up.
243
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,000
Let me take a picture.
244
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,999
He's a beauty, isn't he? How much do
you think he weighs?
245
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:37,999
I don't know, about 2oz.
Oh, the fish! 10lb?
246
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:44,000
Oh, you silly boy. There's nothing
there. We didn't even go fishing.
247
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:48,999
Julie, look. Now listen,
about that favour.
248
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:51,999
Bosh's probation officer's
coming around in a minute.
249
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:54,999
Would you, please,
pretend to be his fiancee?
250
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:59,999
Oh, yes. What fun! Yes, yes! Good.
Just come round in a minute.
251
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,999
In a minute? Yeah. Oh, defo. Thanks.
252
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:04,999
And you say you're now in full-time
employment? Oh, yes.
253
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,999
What is it you do? I don't know.
254
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,999
But my boss will be here shortly to
fill you in.
255
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:14,999
Ah, hello. Ah, there he is now.
256
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,999
I'm Gary Hardboard, Bosh's employer.
257
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:22,999
Good day, madam, I'm Bosh's boss,
Lord Halfmore. Now then, look here,
258
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:25,999
every morning, he raises the sluice
gates and allows the fish and the
259
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:29,999
birds and the small craft and the mosses
and the crabs to pass through.
260
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,999
And at the end of the day, he closes
the sluice gates and everything
261
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:34,999
seems to be satisfactory
and in good order.
262
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,300
I thank you for your kind
time and attention.
263
00:15:37,361 --> 00:15:39,300
Sorry, hold on. I don't understand.
264
00:15:39,302 --> 00:15:41,900
Which one of these bosses do you
actually work for?
265
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,999
I don't mind. Which one do you like?
266
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:50,999
Ah, Brownhole.
Ah, Sergeant Tobotsman. Yes.
267
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:53,999
A problem has arisen
with our insurers.
268
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:56,999
Yes, well, I think there looks
like a good place to have
269
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:59,999
a high powered business meeting.
I quite agree. Let's go through.
270
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:02,999
After you. Thank you, madam.
Good day, madam. Good day.
271
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:05,999
You work for both of them, do you?
It's looking that way, innit?
272
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:08,999
Hmm. And you're in a steady
relationship? Tell me about her.
273
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:13,999
Oh, yes, well, she works for
a Turkish man in Persia.
274
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:17,999
Istanbul? Yeah, that's him,
Stan Bull. He guts fish.
275
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:20,999
Hello, my treacle!
276
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:23,699
I just got back
from the old typing pool.
277
00:16:23,700 --> 00:16:25,900
Cor, them Olivettis don't half
blister your fingers!
278
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:31,000
What are you doing in my house?
You coppers do my head in!
279
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,999
You must be the PERSIAN fiancee?
280
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:41,000
Yes, I am Fatima.
Let me tell you your fortune.
281
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,999
All right, Julie? Fatima.
282
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:49,000
Hold on a second.
Who the hell is this?
283
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:56,000
You really are beautiful.
Maybe we should make love.
284
00:16:58,000 --> 00:16:59,999
Tell me, what are you doing here?
285
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:03,999
I'm interviewing Bosh.
Ah, he's applying for a job, is he?
286
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:05,999
That'll be a first.
287
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:08,999
Maybe he'll find somewhere to live,
or even get himself a girlfriend.
288
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:11,499
I understand Julie is free.
289
00:17:11,500 --> 00:17:13,699
Your stolen bicycle pumps
are outside if you want them.
290
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:14,999
Ah, thanks very much, mate.
291
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,999
Oh, I get it.
You've been lying to me.
292
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:21,999
You haven't got a home
or a job or a girlfriend.
293
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:24,999
Right. Well,
this is absolutely unacceptable.
294
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,999
I'll be back next week and if things
haven't significantly improved,
295
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:30,999
I'll report you to the court
for breach of your probation order.
296
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:33,999
Do you understand?
Get yourself a job.
297
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:36,000
Oh, yes, I quite agree, you twat.
298
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:39,000
One week.
299
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:44,999
Don't you dare, Beef!
You've ruined the whole plan.
300
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:48,000
What plan? What whole plan?
301
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,999
Right. No, stop it, stop it!
Drop the beat.
302
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:11,999
You need to sort this out, mate.
Me? Why me?
303
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:14,999
John McCririck.
You've got to get yourself a job.
304
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:18,999
A job, yeah, that's it, yeah,
I'll take it. What is it?
No, I haven't got a job, Bosh.
305
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:23,999
Bosh, what you've gotta do is think
about what you really like doing.
306
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:26,000
Oh. Oh, God. Think, think,
squirt, squirt.
307
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:31,999
That's not a job, though.
308
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:33,999
I know, I wanna be like that
twat off the telly.
309
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:36,999
What Gordon Ramsay? Yeah.
310
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:41,999
Gordon Ramsay. Gordon Ramsay.
That gives me an idea for a plan.
311
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:45,000
What plan? What whole plan?
312
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,999
Right. Best behaviour, please,
Julie, she'll be here in a minute.
313
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,999
This is such a hoot.
314
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:03,999
Right. Hello! Here are your starters.
315
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:05,999
Whole chicken for you.
316
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:09,999
Whole chicken for you.
Now, let us say grace.
317
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,999
Two, three, four.
318
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:16,999
# Ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole
319
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:21,999
# Ole, ole. #
320
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:25,999
That's it. OK. Now, would you like
anything to drink?
321
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:27,999
I've got skimmed, semi-skimmed,
pasteurised or full fat.
322
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,999
Maybe you'd like to try the yogurt?
No. We're fine, thanks.
323
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:35,999
OK then. All right. I'm sorry
Martin, that table's taken.
324
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,999
You'll have to eff off.
325
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:41,999
Oh, hello, madam.
Welcome to my new job.
326
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:45,999
I'm the proprietor of this pop-up
restaurant Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares,
327
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:48,999
named after the famous restaurant
off of Gordon Ramsay's.
328
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:52,000
Now, allow me to show you
to your table, you twat.
329
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,000
I have warmed your seat for you.
Um-hm.
330
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:03,999
Well, this is very impressive, Bosh.
Well done.
331
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:06,999
You know, if this is for real
and not just one of your scams,
332
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:09,999
I might give you another chance.
All right.
333
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,999
Well, in that case, how would
you like your chicken cooked?
334
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:16,999
Roasted or boiled?
Sorry, I'm a vegetarian.
335
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:18,999
Well, have it cold then.
336
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:21,000
No, I'm a vegetarian.
337
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:23,999
Well, have it cold then.
338
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:25,999
No, I don't want chicken.
Have you got anything else?
339
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,999
I've got halibut
upstairs in the bath.
340
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:30,999
I'm a vegetarian!
Well, have it raw then.
341
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:32,999
What else have you got?
342
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:36,000
Fags, milk and yogurt.
343
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:38,999
Could you ask the chef to
knock me up something?
344
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,000
Well, I'll give it a go, yeah.
345
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,999
Right. She wants one of you two
to knock her up or something.
346
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,999
Knock her up?!
She's not had her pudding yet.
347
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:53,999
She wants us to knock her something up
to eat. Does she not like chicken?
348
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:55,999
No, she's a vegetarian.
349
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:58,999
Well, did you tell her
she could have it cold? Yeah.
350
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:01,100
Vegetarians don't eat chicken,
not even cold.
351
00:21:01,170 --> 00:21:02,409
Did you not even know that?
352
00:21:02,700 --> 00:21:03,999
It's ridiculous.
353
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:06,999
Look, tell her we'll
think of something.
354
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:09,999
Yeah. All right. Well, get a bloody
move on. Especially you.
355
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:12,999
Because if I don't feed her,
then I go back to prison
356
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:14,999
and the press get the photos.
357
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:16,999
All right. Ooh.
358
00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:19,999
Well, right. Vic, think.
359
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:24,999
Something that's not chicken,
but you CAN eat it.
360
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,999
Have a look in the cupboards, Vic.
361
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:30,000
Chickens.
362
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:34,999
Chickens. Try the cupboard below.
363
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:36,000
Oh!
364
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:43,999
Chickens everywhere! Cheeky chicken!
365
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:47,000
Whoa! Ah!
366
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:51,000
Cheeky chicken!
Cheeky chicken!
367
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:54,999
You all right?
368
00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:58,999
We can serve chicken. Whoa!
369
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:00,000
Cheeky chicken.
370
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:06,999
- Right. Not chicken, but you...
- CAN eat it.
371
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:10,999
I know, I'll ask Erik,
he's foreign, isn't he?
372
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:13,999
And you get on the phone to Beef, see
what he's got in his cupboards. Right.
373
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:16,999
I'm so sorry about the
inevitable delay, madam.
374
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:18,999
The chef can be rather partial.
375
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:22,000
Perhaps some light entertainment
whilst you wait?
376
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:31,000
Et cetera.
377
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:35,999
# ..London's burning
London's burning. #
378
00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:38,000
Erik.
# ..Fire, fire... #
379
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:43,999
# ..Fire, fire. #
380
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:45,999
Oh, Erik.
381
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:49,999
What do you want? I'm very busy
working on some dimensions.
382
00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:51,999
That's interesting.
Dimensions for what?
383
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:56,999
Your coffin.
384
00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:58,999
And so on.
Yeah, thanks, Erik.
385
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:00,999
Look, Bosh has got a diner
downstairs who won't eat meat.
386
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:03,999
You haven't got anything
I can serve up, have you?
387
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:06,999
Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, great.
388
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:11,000
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here, serve that.
389
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:14,999
Yeah, tennis, yeah, yeah.
390
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:16,999
Ahoy, it's a classic.
391
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:19,000
Yeah, no, it's right up there,
yeah. Erik...
392
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:28,999
Oh, hello there.
I like your moo-moo.
393
00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:29,999
I bet you do.
394
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:34,999
It's made from Moroccan sausage skin
and winkles and it's heatproof.
395
00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:39,999
I've been sat in the airing cupboard all
morning without a simple bit of discomfort.
396
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:41,999
I should be in there.
397
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:43,999
All right, Beef?
This is all I could find.
398
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,999
Let's have a look.
What is it?
399
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:49,000
Does it matter?
I mean, does it really matter?!
400
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:55,000
Yeah, it does matter, Beef.
I think this is flour.
401
00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:58,999
Look, here's an egg. Egg.
402
00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:03,999
Right. we crack the egg into the
flour. That'll make a pizza. Yeah.
403
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:07,999
And for a topping. We use
maybe this sauce of Beef's.
404
00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:09,999
Let me try it.
405
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:12,000
Yeah, that's OK. Try it.
406
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:16,999
Hmm. Real depth of flavour.
What is it?
407
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:20,000
I don't know. I bought
it from a bazaar in Nairobi.
408
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:27,999
Mmm. It says here,
"Mugabe's personal nerve agent.
409
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:29,999
"Sugar free. May contain nuts.
410
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:33,999
"Please follow us on
Twitter and Facebook."
411
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:36,000
You kill him.
412
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:53,386
Nerve agent! Nerve agent, Beef!
You know what that means?
413
00:24:53,387 --> 00:24:55,305
It means we're going to die.
414
00:24:57,000 --> 00:25:01,999
Beef. What? Contact me mum
and tell her I love her.
415
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:04,999
I love her too. On a weekly basis.
416
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:08,999
Ooh! So, I guess this is cheerio.
So goodbye, Vic.
417
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:11,999
I've always loved you.
418
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:14,999
Oh, Bob! Goodbye.
I love you too.
419
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:19,999
I'm feeling horny again.
420
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:22,999
Get out of my way.
421
00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:25,000
Ooh, ooh! Ooh!
422
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:28,999
You to me are everything,
423
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:32,999
the greatest song a man could sing.
Oh!
424
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:36,999
No, Beef, no! Get out of here.
Go on, man. Shame.
425
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:42,000
I shall return with shoes
made of... iron ore!
426
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:46,999
I'm so sorry about that, madam.
427
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:50,000
We get all sorts in here.
It really can be quite a challenge.
428
00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:57,999
Bosh, I'm dying due to
nerve agent ingestion!
429
00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:01,999
So, I guess it's goodbye.
OK.
430
00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:04,999
I'd like you to have me racehorse
when I'm gone. What, Daft John?
431
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:07,999
Yes, it's his 50th birthday
on Saturday.
432
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:10,699
There's a coconut
in the fridge for him.
433
00:26:10,700 --> 00:26:13,000
Could you make sure he gets it?
He loves to suck on them.
434
00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:17,999
Vic, Vic, it's all right.
Listen, it's OK.
435
00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:20,999
It's worn off. Must be
out of date or something. Oh.
436
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:22,999
Yeah, phew. Ooh. Oh.
437
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:25,999
Did I hear you say coconut?
I love coconuts.
438
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:26,999
Maybe I could have that?
439
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:29,999
Of course, madam. Mortimer.
440
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:33,999
You can't deprive
Daft John of his sucking coconut!
441
00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:35,999
I don't care about his
sucking coconut.
442
00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:38,999
If I don't feed her, I'm going back
to sucking prison.
443
00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:43,999
There you are, madam,
a lovely coconut topped pizza.
444
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:45,999
- Thank you.
- That pizza looks a bit hard.
445
00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:49,000
Yeah, it turns out it wasn't
flour, it was grout.
446
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:52,999
Is grout edible?
447
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:53,999
Nope.
448
00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:56,999
This looks delicious, Bosh.
Well done.
449
00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:59,999
It's not cordon bleu,
but it's a good effort.
450
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:02,999
So, I'm not going back to
prison, then?
451
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:07,000
- Well, no, of course not.
- Yay!
452
00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:17,999
And I am wearing iron ore shoes.
453
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:21,000
And tonight,
I celebrate my love for you.
454
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:27,999
Yay!
455
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:29,999
Are you trying to knock me
up or something?
456
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:33,999
That was my plan. My whole plan.
457
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:35,999
Hey!
458
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:38,999
# Didn't we have a lovely day?
459
00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:40,999
# The day I ran a restaurant
460
00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:42,999
# So what happens next?
461
00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:46,000
# We form a circle
Dance around the hydrothermal... #
462
00:28:01,322 --> 00:28:03,964
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
463
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:07,000
Thank you. Thank you.