1 00:00:12,356 --> 00:00:13,364 Oh. 2 00:00:13,388 --> 00:00:16,558 - He'll be here. - But his part is in 16 bars. 3 00:00:19,394 --> 00:00:20,687 Excuse me. Sorry! 4 00:00:31,281 --> 00:00:34,534 I heard before he played triangle he was in a prison gang. 5 00:00:34,618 --> 00:00:36,426 I heard he was a tech millionaire. 6 00:00:36,536 --> 00:00:38,955 There is a rumor he is a foreign prince. 7 00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:42,167 His name is Todd Chavez. 8 00:00:42,250 --> 00:00:45,670 And he's the most giving man the world has ever known. 9 00:00:45,754 --> 00:00:49,591 He saved my pregnant daughter from drowning in a shipwreck, 10 00:00:49,674 --> 00:00:53,219 then he delivered her baby while they rode on a piece of driftwood. 11 00:00:53,303 --> 00:00:55,597 And then he circumcised her baby 12 00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:58,120 while they both hung from the ladder of the rescue helicopter. 13 00:00:58,183 --> 00:01:00,226 Of course, before he did, 14 00:01:00,310 --> 00:01:04,606 Todd Chavez explained that circumcision has somewhat fallen out of vogue. 15 00:01:04,689 --> 00:01:07,359 They had a spirited but respectful debate, 16 00:01:07,442 --> 00:01:11,196 and by the end my daughter decided that since we are of Jewish heritage, 17 00:01:11,279 --> 00:01:14,866 the boy might like to have the option to become religious if he so chooses. 18 00:01:14,950 --> 00:01:16,701 Sounds like he really helped your daughter 19 00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:18,954 make the decision that was right for her family. 20 00:01:19,037 --> 00:01:22,165 And last year, when our triangle player died of starvation 21 00:01:22,248 --> 00:01:24,209 after getting his foot stuck in his triangle, 22 00:01:24,292 --> 00:01:26,961 Todd Chavez took over because we needed him. 23 00:01:27,045 --> 00:01:29,297 - What a guy! - He is always helping others. 24 00:01:29,381 --> 00:01:32,967 You know, sometimes when that triangle part is coming up, 25 00:01:33,051 --> 00:01:35,303 I find myself hoping he won't show up. 26 00:01:35,387 --> 00:01:38,098 No man should be asked to give that much. 27 00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:41,340 - He is truly the best of all of... - Whoa! 28 00:01:41,518 --> 00:01:45,063 Oh, hey, guys. I was eating a taco earlier and I got salsa on my shirt. 29 00:01:45,146 --> 00:01:48,358 I went to clean it off, but then when I put my hands in the automatic dryer 30 00:01:48,441 --> 00:01:50,485 I forgot I was still holding the taco. 31 00:01:50,568 --> 00:01:52,028 I got my hands all greasy, 32 00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:54,698 so I couldn't open the doorknob for an hour. 33 00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:56,692 What you guys talking about? 34 00:02:47,599 --> 00:02:50,895 BOJACK HORSEMAN Season 04 Episode 03 Title: "Episode #4.3" 35 00:02:55,216 --> 00:02:59,596 So then at 11:00 you're gonna be giving a policy speech on fracking. 36 00:02:59,679 --> 00:03:00,805 Fracktastic! 37 00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:03,641 Meanwhile, all this talk of whatever it is you're talking about 38 00:03:03,725 --> 00:03:05,685 - is making me hungry. - Mmm? 39 00:03:05,769 --> 00:03:07,395 Cheese? Yes, please! 40 00:03:07,479 --> 00:03:10,199 Todd, don't distract Mr. Peanutbutter with your weird pocket cheeses. 41 00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:13,693 The issue is fracking and the people really want to know your opinion. 42 00:03:13,777 --> 00:03:15,612 Well, then, color me "the people" 43 00:03:15,695 --> 00:03:17,572 because I would also like to know my opinion. 44 00:03:17,655 --> 00:03:20,366 You don't have one yet. The polling research comes in today 45 00:03:20,450 --> 00:03:23,453 and that will decide whether you're for or against fracking. 46 00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:25,622 Here's a thought: Maybe be against fracking. 47 00:03:25,705 --> 00:03:27,081 - It's terrible! - Diane. 48 00:03:27,165 --> 00:03:29,292 Just my opinion. You don't tell me how to do my job. 49 00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:32,879 Also, fracking is the worst. I can't believe you'd even consider endorsing it. 50 00:03:32,962 --> 00:03:34,882 None of my business. Gotta get to work. Love you! 51 00:03:34,964 --> 00:03:37,133 - Bye, hon! - But seriously, seriously, 52 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:40,261 if you come out in support of fracking I'm gonna be super upset. Bye! 53 00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:43,056 Where you stand on the issue doesn't really matter. 54 00:03:43,139 --> 00:03:46,267 What's important is that you seem sincere and emphatic. 55 00:03:46,351 --> 00:03:49,729 Ohh. Are you a fan of charming but inessential Will Smith movies? 56 00:03:49,813 --> 00:03:52,690 Because, slight Hitch, I always show I'm empathic 57 00:03:52,774 --> 00:03:55,985 by taking off my glasses dramatically, but I kinda lost them. 58 00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:59,531 Wow! This must be what I'd look like to a starving shipwrecked person. 59 00:03:59,614 --> 00:04:01,825 When did you last see the glasses? 60 00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:03,701 I was in a meeting with Princess Carolyn. 61 00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:05,662 She was saying I'm always forgetting stuff, 62 00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:08,414 so I whipped off my glasses, looked her square in the eye and said, 63 00:04:08,498 --> 00:04:10,542 "I never forget a thing." 64 00:04:10,625 --> 00:04:12,025 I might have left my glasses there. 65 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:13,378 Todd, you never do anything. 66 00:04:13,461 --> 00:04:15,672 Why don't you take the campaign bus over to VIM 67 00:04:15,755 --> 00:04:18,007 and get Mr. Peanutbutter's glasses? Can you handle that? 68 00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:20,009 I never know if I can handle anything. 69 00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:23,012 That's what makes my life so exciting. 70 00:04:23,721 --> 00:04:26,307 Mr. Peanutbutter, there's a delivery! 71 00:04:26,391 --> 00:04:28,309 He's busy! Just sign for it. 72 00:04:28,393 --> 00:04:30,478 I can't sign for another man's mail. 73 00:04:30,562 --> 00:04:33,731 That's how I ended up with the cremains of Cornelius Vanderbilt. 74 00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:37,110 It all started when a young Todd... I don't have time for this! 75 00:04:37,193 --> 00:04:38,486 I've got a job to do. 76 00:04:46,911 --> 00:04:48,830 - It's Todd! - It's me! 77 00:04:48,913 --> 00:04:52,542 You are just the guy I need. You know the actress Courtney Portnoy? 78 00:04:52,625 --> 00:04:56,963 I think so. She portrayed the formerly portly consort in The Seaport Resort? 79 00:04:57,046 --> 00:04:59,215 Courtly roles like the formerly portly consort 80 00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:02,010 are Courtney Portnoy's forte, but she's got a new action movie 81 00:05:02,093 --> 00:05:04,596 that's supposed to change her image: Ms. Taken. 82 00:05:04,679 --> 00:05:06,514 You know Mr. Taken from the Taken movies? 83 00:05:06,598 --> 00:05:08,183 - This is his niece. - Nice! 84 00:05:08,266 --> 00:05:11,186 This was supposed to be Courtney's crossover coronation. 85 00:05:11,269 --> 00:05:13,438 But that's sort of been thwarted, unfortunately, 86 00:05:13,521 --> 00:05:15,231 'cause Courtney's purportedly falling short 87 00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:17,025 of shoring up four-quadrant support. 88 00:05:17,108 --> 00:05:18,902 Makes perfect sense so far. 89 00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:21,070 The public sees her as out of touch. 90 00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:24,449 We need to make her seem relatable, and the best way to do that 91 00:05:24,532 --> 00:05:28,328 is to be seen dating a down-to-earth boring nobody like yourself. 92 00:05:28,411 --> 00:05:30,371 You can do that, right? You're not doing anything. 93 00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:33,291 I'm kind of busy today. I gotta pick up these glasses, 94 00:05:33,374 --> 00:05:36,294 and then tonight there was this meeting I wanted to go to. 95 00:05:36,377 --> 00:05:39,339 This will take no time, I promise. Meet her for lunch. 96 00:05:39,422 --> 00:05:41,799 The paparazzi will show up, pop some razzis. 97 00:05:41,883 --> 00:05:44,886 I do love getting my picture taken. It's proof I exist. 98 00:05:44,969 --> 00:05:47,180 Marvelous! Judah, prepare the press release. 99 00:05:47,263 --> 00:05:50,433 "Portnoy finds joy in hoi polloi boy toy." 100 00:05:53,645 --> 00:05:56,439 Well, we didn't get the polling research on fracking... 101 00:05:56,522 --> 00:05:57,565 - Here you go. - Thank you. 102 00:05:57,649 --> 00:06:01,402 Because apparently when the delivery came someone wouldn't sign for it. 103 00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:02,528 Ooh. 104 00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:07,283 In the future, whenever anyone asks you to sign Mr. Peanutbutter's name, 105 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,327 - just sign it. - You got it, chief. 106 00:06:09,410 --> 00:06:11,730 All right, Middle-Aged Yeller, here's what you're gonna do. 107 00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:14,540 You're gonna give an impassioned speech on fracking 108 00:06:14,624 --> 00:06:17,794 that doesn't actually take a stand either way on fracking. 109 00:06:17,877 --> 00:06:19,128 Okay. 110 00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:22,090 Good morning! 111 00:06:22,173 --> 00:06:23,758 Let's talk fracking. 112 00:06:23,841 --> 00:06:26,302 Everyone has very strong opinions about it, 113 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:30,807 and I want you all to know, right here and right now, 114 00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:32,767 I am taking a stand. 115 00:06:32,850 --> 00:06:35,812 I am on... your side! 116 00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:38,523 - What side is that, specifically? - Good question. 117 00:06:38,606 --> 00:06:41,693 I am specifically on the side of the facts, 118 00:06:41,776 --> 00:06:44,404 and also on the side of feelings. 119 00:06:44,487 --> 00:06:46,233 Well, I'm satisfied. 120 00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:49,325 Oh, excuse me, would Mr. Peanutbutter 121 00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:52,704 be willing to sign this letter to our state government? 122 00:06:52,787 --> 00:06:54,914 Yes. I'll write his name on anything. 123 00:06:54,998 --> 00:06:56,416 Oh, thank you so much. 124 00:06:57,542 --> 00:07:00,753 And down goes Todd. 125 00:07:02,088 --> 00:07:03,339 And up comes Todd! 126 00:07:04,132 --> 00:07:05,299 Aah! 127 00:07:05,383 --> 00:07:06,592 - Whoa! - Stay back! 128 00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:08,344 Calm down, I'm not going to hurt you. 129 00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:11,806 My name is Hollyhock Manheim-Mannheim Guerrero-Robinson-Zilberschlag. 130 00:07:11,889 --> 00:07:14,350 - Hsung-Fonzerelli-McQuack. - Wait, wait, wait. 131 00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,602 - What's your first name? - Hollyhock. 132 00:07:16,686 --> 00:07:18,021 And your last name? 133 00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:21,649 Manheim-Mannheim-Guerrero-Robinson- Zilberschlag-Hsung-Fonzerelli-McQuack. 134 00:07:21,733 --> 00:07:23,234 Got it. 135 00:07:23,318 --> 00:07:25,820 - Wait, what's your last name? - I know, it's confusing. 136 00:07:25,903 --> 00:07:28,740 - I have eight dads. - How'd that happen? Test tubes? 137 00:07:28,823 --> 00:07:31,242 - No. I was adopted. - Oh, of course. 138 00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:34,329 By eight men in a committed gay polyamorous relationship. 139 00:07:34,412 --> 00:07:37,498 - Less of course. - But ever since I was a baby, 140 00:07:37,582 --> 00:07:40,752 people always said I looked like BoJack Horseman. 141 00:07:40,835 --> 00:07:43,332 That's a terrible thing to say to a baby! 142 00:07:43,379 --> 00:07:48,384 And I've always wondered if BoJack could be my biological... sperm guy. 143 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,595 I guess it's possible. 144 00:07:50,678 --> 00:07:54,098 BoJack used to say his penis is like sun-dried tomatoes: 145 00:07:54,182 --> 00:07:57,435 Back in the '90s it got into everything. 146 00:07:57,518 --> 00:07:59,604 I came to L.A. to get to the bottom of things. 147 00:07:59,687 --> 00:08:02,565 I even bought a deluxe spy kit. Sorry about knocking you out. 148 00:08:02,648 --> 00:08:04,984 Once you have chloroform, you can't not use it. 149 00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:07,653 No, I get it. BoJack had one of those spy kits, too. 150 00:08:07,737 --> 00:08:10,573 He mostly just used the chloroform on himself, though. 151 00:08:10,656 --> 00:08:13,034 I read in his book that you live together. 152 00:08:13,117 --> 00:08:16,162 - Can you help me find him? - Sorry. I don't live there anymore. 153 00:08:16,245 --> 00:08:18,664 And no one knows where he's been for the last year. 154 00:08:18,748 --> 00:08:20,500 I guess I don't have to meet him. 155 00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:24,253 All I need is a DNA sample, like a piece of hair or something. 156 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:26,714 I guess his house might have... 157 00:08:27,757 --> 00:08:30,468 - Whoa! - Sorry again. It's just so fun. 158 00:08:30,551 --> 00:08:33,471 Okay, there might be some hairs in the shower drain, 159 00:08:33,554 --> 00:08:35,681 but hard to know who they belong to. 160 00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:40,603 Everyone who has sex with BoJack usually takes a long shower afterwards. 161 00:08:40,686 --> 00:08:43,272 Hey, I think I see a hair. 162 00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:45,274 Oh, no, BoJack. 163 00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:47,443 - Yoink! - What the... was... 164 00:08:48,569 --> 00:08:50,363 - Okay. - Okay, let's blow. 165 00:08:50,446 --> 00:08:53,199 - Blow? Who's got blow? - Save some for BoJack. Huh? 166 00:08:53,282 --> 00:08:56,536 Wait, Todd? Oh, shit. Are you gonna yell at me? Can I have the blow first? 167 00:08:56,619 --> 00:09:00,540 No. BoJack, there's no blow, okay? And I'm not going to yell at you. 168 00:09:00,623 --> 00:09:01,541 And what is this? 169 00:09:01,624 --> 00:09:04,419 I'm Hollyhock Manheim-Mannheim- Guerrero-Robinson- 170 00:09:04,502 --> 00:09:06,671 Zilberschlag-Hsung-Fonzerelli-McQuack. 171 00:09:06,754 --> 00:09:08,881 Of the New Haven Manheim-Mannheim-Guerrero-Robinson- 172 00:09:08,965 --> 00:09:10,633 Zilberschlag-Hsung-Fonzerelli-McQuacks? 173 00:09:10,716 --> 00:09:14,595 That was a joke. Obviously, I've never heard of your family and/or law firm. 174 00:09:15,596 --> 00:09:18,766 That was also a joke. Todd, who is this tough crowd you brought to my home? 175 00:09:18,850 --> 00:09:21,811 - Um, BoJack, this is your daught... - Mm-mmm, mm-mmm! 176 00:09:21,894 --> 00:09:24,522 Dot-dot maid. 177 00:09:24,605 --> 00:09:26,065 Way to build up the suspense. 178 00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:28,651 To, uh, tidy up the place in case you came back. 179 00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:30,361 You got me a maid? Thank you. 180 00:09:30,445 --> 00:09:32,365 Here I thought Channing Tatum was a good neighbor 181 00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:34,073 for picking up my mail while I was gone, 182 00:09:34,157 --> 00:09:36,492 but you, and after all the things I did to you, 183 00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:40,246 - I don't know how to tell you... - BoJack, we haven't talked in like a year, 184 00:09:40,329 --> 00:09:42,540 and that's actually been kind of working for me. 185 00:09:42,623 --> 00:09:46,544 So, maybe it's better if we just keep things like that, you know? 186 00:09:46,627 --> 00:09:49,464 Oh. Okay. So then why did you hire me... 187 00:09:49,547 --> 00:09:51,215 Oh, yeah, deliver me. 188 00:09:51,883 --> 00:09:54,343 You're welcome. Now go get that DNA tested. 189 00:09:57,472 --> 00:09:59,056 Can you tell me if this is a match? 190 00:09:59,140 --> 00:10:01,809 - A match with who? - Hollyhock. 191 00:10:01,893 --> 00:10:07,523 Manheim-Mannheim-Gorilla-Rub-a-Dub-Dub Zoolander-Hallelujah-something-McDonald's? 192 00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:10,067 Whatever those words are, I need a sample from her, too. 193 00:10:10,151 --> 00:10:11,944 Duh! 194 00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:13,946 Bring it in an hour. I gotta get to lunch. 195 00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:16,365 Nothing like working with hair, blood, and semen all day 196 00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:18,743 to work up an appetite, and it's already 1:00. 197 00:10:18,826 --> 00:10:21,454 1:00? I gotta go meet my fake girlfriend! 198 00:10:21,537 --> 00:10:23,331 Oh, you have a fake girlfriend too? 199 00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:26,083 Mine is a bunch of water balloons with a blonde wig. 200 00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:30,505 I suppose a fancy restaurant like this 201 00:10:30,588 --> 00:10:33,007 is too fancy for a common man such as yourself. 202 00:10:33,090 --> 00:10:34,214 No, it's fine. 203 00:10:34,269 --> 00:10:37,053 You'd probably like to take me someplace rough and primitive. 204 00:10:37,136 --> 00:10:39,680 Uh... do you want me to take you somewhere else? 205 00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:44,101 Well, if you must drag me on some barbaric adventure, I can't stop you. 206 00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:46,604 There's a Pony Roma's at Universal CityWalk. 207 00:10:46,687 --> 00:10:48,773 A chain restaurant? Oh, God, no, I'll be mugged. 208 00:10:48,856 --> 00:10:49,982 I can't do this. 209 00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:52,735 Todd, I can never be your dirty peasant girl, I'm sorry. 210 00:10:52,818 --> 00:10:54,779 - I must abscond. - Wait, Courtney! 211 00:10:59,283 --> 00:11:01,536 Scusi, sir, would you care for a sample 212 00:11:01,619 --> 00:11:04,830 of my father's famous angel hair pomodoro? 213 00:11:04,914 --> 00:11:07,458 Famous father? Hair? Sample? 214 00:11:07,542 --> 00:11:09,627 - DNA? - I no say DNA. 215 00:11:09,710 --> 00:11:11,754 I gotta get back to Hollyhock. 216 00:11:15,591 --> 00:11:18,803 Hollyhock, I need to get... 217 00:11:18,886 --> 00:11:20,471 - Did you clean anything? - No. 218 00:11:20,554 --> 00:11:24,100 But I am learning so much about my possibly-maybe birth father. 219 00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:27,061 Like, did you know he has a shoebox in his closet full of bad reviews 220 00:11:27,144 --> 00:11:28,771 for other people's TV shows? 221 00:11:28,854 --> 00:11:32,066 So all you've done so far is snoop around? 222 00:11:32,149 --> 00:11:36,195 I also ate a box of donuts, got sleepy and took a nap. 223 00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:38,572 Yeah, I'm not sure we really need to do this DNA test. 224 00:11:38,656 --> 00:11:40,366 Look, I didn't come all this way 225 00:11:40,449 --> 00:11:42,910 to not find out who my biological father is. 226 00:11:42,994 --> 00:11:46,539 Okay, fine, then I just need you to yank out a strand of hair 227 00:11:46,622 --> 00:11:50,293 - so I can take it down to the lab. - No way! That sounds painful. 228 00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:52,295 - Can't we just use your hair? - Um... 229 00:11:52,378 --> 00:11:53,504 No. 230 00:11:53,587 --> 00:11:57,591 No, but I can pull out some of my hair at the same time, 231 00:11:57,675 --> 00:12:00,594 - so you don't have to do it alone. - Okay, that sounds fair. 232 00:12:00,678 --> 00:12:01,804 On three, we pull. 233 00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:04,432 - One... two... three! - Ow! 234 00:12:04,515 --> 00:12:08,144 Oh, wait, I have this whole comb full of hair in my bag. 235 00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:09,520 Duh! 236 00:12:09,603 --> 00:12:11,814 Todd, can I see you for a minute? 237 00:12:11,897 --> 00:12:14,692 This maid is the worst. I passed out again for some reason. 238 00:12:14,775 --> 00:12:17,135 When I woke up, the house was messier than when she started. 239 00:12:17,194 --> 00:12:19,155 I don't mind someone else in the house with me, 240 00:12:19,238 --> 00:12:22,103 in case I start choking on pills or have a funny take on current events 241 00:12:22,151 --> 00:12:25,036 that demands an audience, but if she can't do her job, I gotta fire her. 242 00:12:25,119 --> 00:12:27,997 You can't do that! Here, buzz up real nice, 243 00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:31,959 take a nap, and while you're sleeping, I'll get the maid to clean 244 00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:34,337 so no one has to fire anyone. 245 00:12:43,721 --> 00:12:46,182 Well, we did it. 246 00:12:46,265 --> 00:12:50,603 What? I'm helping. I'm cleaning out his DVR. Get it? 247 00:12:51,395 --> 00:12:52,995 Okay, but you got it, right? 248 00:12:53,064 --> 00:12:54,315 To-To-To-Todd! 249 00:12:54,398 --> 00:12:55,983 Todd's phone, home of the Todd. 250 00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:58,069 You quarter-wit. Turn on the news. 251 00:12:58,152 --> 00:13:01,822 I don't want to be a manners police, but a "hello" would be nice. 252 00:13:01,906 --> 00:13:04,575 The letter, signed by Mr. Peanutbutter himself, 253 00:13:04,658 --> 00:13:08,371 - in full, unambiguous support of fracking. - Ooh. 254 00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:10,873 The gubernatorial hopeful has until now played coy 255 00:13:10,956 --> 00:13:15,169 on the controversial issue of fra... 256 00:13:15,252 --> 00:13:18,214 What happened? Randy pass out on his keyboard? 257 00:13:18,297 --> 00:13:20,716 Oh, he did? Oh, my God, is he okay? 258 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,803 Well, did someone call Cynthia? No one called Cynthia?! 259 00:13:23,886 --> 00:13:26,639 For Christ's sake, this isn't just a newsroom, this is a family! 260 00:13:26,722 --> 00:13:28,766 Jeez, I hope Randy's okay. 261 00:13:28,849 --> 00:13:32,061 Forget Randy. Did you sign that letter for Mr. Peanutbutter? 262 00:13:32,144 --> 00:13:35,106 Yes. Should I have not done the thing you literally told me to do? 263 00:13:35,189 --> 00:13:36,941 Well, I guess we're pro-fracking now. 264 00:13:38,526 --> 00:13:40,403 Hey, buddy, I just want you to know 265 00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:43,072 that while Katrina is filled with white-hot frustration 266 00:13:43,155 --> 00:13:45,825 as she has been for much of this campaign, I'm not mad. 267 00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:49,412 I'm just nervous about what Diane will do when she finds out. 268 00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:52,331 But I've got a plan, and it stars you! 269 00:13:52,415 --> 00:13:56,627 What? You want me to keep Diane away from the TV, radio, and Internet? 270 00:13:56,710 --> 00:14:00,381 Ohh! That's a way better idea than I had. Yeah, do that. 271 00:14:00,464 --> 00:14:01,799 Hollyhock, I gotta run. 272 00:14:01,882 --> 00:14:06,053 I'll try to get the hairs tested today. Just stay here and act maid-like. 273 00:14:06,137 --> 00:14:08,597 Ah, okay. 274 00:14:11,058 --> 00:14:15,312 Hey, look at me! I'm dancing. The time is now! Don't miss out! 275 00:14:15,396 --> 00:14:18,732 Okay, Todd, that's some good dancing, but I've got work to do 276 00:14:18,816 --> 00:14:21,610 and you've been dancing for... 55 minutes?! 277 00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:23,738 - What is this? - It's a new dance. 278 00:14:23,821 --> 00:14:26,115 I call it the... come on, stall, Todd. 279 00:14:26,198 --> 00:14:29,326 Gotta think of something to call this fake dance you just made up. 280 00:14:29,994 --> 00:14:30,995 Samba. 281 00:14:31,078 --> 00:14:33,748 That's amazing, and you're amazing, and I want your pores. 282 00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:37,710 Diane, I adored your sad little story on refugees. 283 00:14:37,793 --> 00:14:40,212 We have so many articles about things people care about. 284 00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:43,382 It's like supes refreshing to see something that doesn't make you click, 285 00:14:43,466 --> 00:14:45,551 but it does make you think. 286 00:14:45,634 --> 00:14:47,928 Well, it's not like nobody clicks on my articles. 287 00:14:48,012 --> 00:14:51,307 You don't care if people read your work or not. That's what's so brave about you. 288 00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:53,809 You inspire me to be my fiercest self. 289 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,186 Buh-buh-buh-bye! 290 00:14:55,269 --> 00:14:56,812 To-To-To-Todd! 291 00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:59,356 Todd's phone. I know when that Toddline bling. 292 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:00,941 What happened at the restaurant? 293 00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:03,194 You disappeared before the paparazzi even got there. 294 00:15:03,277 --> 00:15:05,279 The whole point was to get a picture with her. 295 00:15:05,362 --> 00:15:06,697 Oh! Oops. 296 00:15:06,781 --> 00:15:08,908 Uh, you want me to draw a picture from memory? 297 00:15:08,991 --> 00:15:10,831 How tall is she? What is she, like, eight feet? 298 00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:12,411 Okay, plan B. 299 00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:15,498 She's gonna be at the Sharc Jacobs fashion show in 30 minutes. 300 00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:18,584 There's an empty seat there for her boyfriend, you. 301 00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:21,086 Be there, get the photo. Got it? Click. 302 00:15:22,213 --> 00:15:23,339 So, I gotta go. 303 00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:25,299 How do I make people care about important stuff 304 00:15:25,382 --> 00:15:28,093 when all they want to do is read articles about who got slayed 305 00:15:28,177 --> 00:15:30,054 and who owned at the VMAs? 306 00:15:30,137 --> 00:15:33,140 When I need Mr. Peanutbutter to take his heartworm pills, 307 00:15:33,224 --> 00:15:35,726 I always hide it in cheese so he doesn't know 308 00:15:35,810 --> 00:15:37,561 he's doing something he hates. 309 00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:41,315 What if you take your important stuff and hide it in some juicy gossip? 310 00:15:41,398 --> 00:15:43,192 That's actually a really good idea. 311 00:15:43,275 --> 00:15:46,904 But... I don't know any gossip and I wouldn't even know where to look. 312 00:15:46,987 --> 00:15:48,239 The Internet? 313 00:15:49,907 --> 00:15:51,492 No! Look at me! 314 00:15:51,575 --> 00:15:54,829 Because I have potentially earth-shattering inside info! 315 00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:57,873 That beloved famous person, uh... 316 00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:01,168 Channing Tatum may have an illegitimate daughter 317 00:16:01,252 --> 00:16:04,630 that's also a Cordovian refugee. 318 00:16:04,713 --> 00:16:07,216 - Are you serious? - I have these two hairs. 319 00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:10,010 One is from Channing, the other is from a baby. 320 00:16:10,094 --> 00:16:13,472 If the DNA lab confirms a match, you have your story. 321 00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:15,266 Thanks, Todd. I owe you one. 322 00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:18,644 Okay, but if it's a match, please call me first. 323 00:16:18,727 --> 00:16:21,564 'Cause, uh... 'cause I love juicy gossip. 324 00:16:25,317 --> 00:16:26,944 Where am I supposed to go? Okay. 325 00:16:27,027 --> 00:16:28,696 "El Entrance?" 326 00:16:28,779 --> 00:16:31,031 Gracias, sign. Muy bien. 327 00:16:33,951 --> 00:16:36,328 Um... 328 00:16:36,412 --> 00:16:38,455 Good heavens! What's this? 329 00:16:39,957 --> 00:16:42,042 Uh... okay. 330 00:16:42,918 --> 00:16:45,671 And this is how I walk... 331 00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:47,381 He's so normal. 332 00:16:47,464 --> 00:16:49,425 Uh... hmm... uh... 333 00:16:49,508 --> 00:16:52,136 Where's the hollow look of someone forced to starve themselves 334 00:16:52,219 --> 00:16:55,389 to fit our unrealistic expectation of what beauty should be? 335 00:16:55,472 --> 00:16:57,349 He is not making it work. 336 00:16:57,850 --> 00:17:00,227 - No! Wait! - Huh? 337 00:17:00,311 --> 00:17:03,544 Isn't fashion supposed to be for everyone? 338 00:17:03,599 --> 00:17:05,774 That behatted boy is right. 339 00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:09,403 Fashion was never meant to be an inherently elitist form. 340 00:17:09,486 --> 00:17:12,948 We need to return fashion to its utilitarian roots. 341 00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,450 Give it back to the people! 342 00:17:14,533 --> 00:17:17,119 Bravo! He is making it work. 343 00:17:17,202 --> 00:17:19,079 To-To-To-Todd! 344 00:17:19,747 --> 00:17:21,957 Todd's phone. Leave a message at the Todd. 345 00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:23,417 The DNA matched! 346 00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:25,836 Looks like a wide variety of screen roles 347 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:28,547 isn't the only thing Channing brought life to. 348 00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:32,927 It's a match? I gotta tell Holly... woo agents 349 00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:36,388 to keep their eyes peeled for a refugee baby 350 00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:39,016 with abs to die for. 351 00:17:39,099 --> 00:17:41,727 Nick, tell Janae to stock the warehouse with red hoodies. 352 00:17:41,810 --> 00:17:45,147 - This is the look of the future. - Couch-surfer couture! 353 00:17:49,485 --> 00:17:51,528 Where's Hollyhock? I need to talk to her. 354 00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:53,864 - She's in maid heaven. - She's dead?! 355 00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:57,799 Sorry, I meant she belongs in maid heaven because she is a cleaning angel. 356 00:17:57,894 --> 00:18:00,049 - Where is she? - I sent her to Channing Tatum's house 357 00:18:00,097 --> 00:18:02,488 to pay him back for collecting my mail while I was out of town. 358 00:18:02,512 --> 00:18:04,483 Looks like I missed quite a deal at Pottery Barn. 359 00:18:05,292 --> 00:18:08,462 Life is but an endless series of missed opportunities, 360 00:18:08,545 --> 00:18:09,922 some involving Pottery Barn. 361 00:18:10,005 --> 00:18:11,507 Okay, I'm gonna... 362 00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:14,051 Can you believe this? Mr. Peanutbutter's running for governor. 363 00:18:14,134 --> 00:18:17,763 I can believe it, because I've been around for the last year. 364 00:18:17,846 --> 00:18:20,391 Right. How's Diane feel about that? 365 00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:23,018 You could ask her yourself. Does she even know you're back? 366 00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,813 I wanted to call her, but I'm just not ready. 367 00:18:25,896 --> 00:18:27,690 Nobody knows I'm back except you. 368 00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:29,942 And Channing Tatum, and my pills guy, 369 00:18:30,025 --> 00:18:32,194 and my booze guy, my weed guy, my coke guy, 370 00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:35,114 some smartass at Pizza Hut who deserved an in-person finger-wagging, 371 00:18:35,197 --> 00:18:38,575 - and my maid. - And now she's at Channing Tatum's house? 372 00:18:38,659 --> 00:18:40,828 I came back because I wanted to fix things, 373 00:18:40,911 --> 00:18:43,205 - but now I don't know if I can. - Uh-huh. 374 00:18:43,288 --> 00:18:45,874 I've been so lucky to have people in my life who care about me. 375 00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:47,251 I don't deserve any of them. 376 00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:49,503 I definitely don't deserve to have a friend as amazing 377 00:18:49,586 --> 00:18:51,964 and generous and forgiving and thoughtful as... 378 00:18:52,047 --> 00:18:53,716 - Yeah? Oh. - Channing Tatum. 379 00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:55,884 I'm only gonna hurt him like I've hurt everyone else. 380 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,804 I was a fool to think I could just jump back into a new relationship. 381 00:18:58,887 --> 00:19:01,807 Can you go over to Channing Tatum's house, tell him I won't be his friend? 382 00:19:02,349 --> 00:19:04,768 I can't break another heart. Not today, not Channing. 383 00:19:04,852 --> 00:19:06,145 Okay. 384 00:19:09,648 --> 00:19:12,901 - Hollyhock, I need to tell you something. - Did you get the results? 385 00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:15,863 'Cause I'm really looking forward to dropping this whole maid thing, 386 00:19:15,946 --> 00:19:17,614 even though I'm kind of nailing it. 387 00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:20,743 Are you sure you want to know? I don't know if BoJack is ready 388 00:19:20,826 --> 00:19:23,954 for a normal relationship with anyone. 389 00:19:24,038 --> 00:19:25,164 Oh. 390 00:19:25,247 --> 00:19:27,791 Well, that's fine. I don't want a relationship. 391 00:19:27,875 --> 00:19:29,293 I already have eight dads. 392 00:19:29,376 --> 00:19:32,421 It's not like a ninth dad is what I need to suddenly fill a hole in my life 393 00:19:32,504 --> 00:19:35,174 that the unconditional love of eight dads couldn't already fill. 394 00:19:35,257 --> 00:19:36,508 Well, then good news. 395 00:19:36,592 --> 00:19:39,762 I got the results and... 396 00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:40,971 it's not a match. 397 00:19:41,055 --> 00:19:44,099 - Oh. Really? - Yeah. Good news, right? 398 00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:45,809 I shouldn't have come here. 399 00:19:45,893 --> 00:19:48,312 Papa Steve told me this was a bad idea. 400 00:19:48,395 --> 00:19:50,564 But Papa Greg said, "Follow your heart." 401 00:19:50,647 --> 00:19:52,983 Then Papa Dashawn said, "I agree with Greg." 402 00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:55,443 Daddy Quackers said, "Let's put it to a vote, quack-quack." 403 00:19:56,487 --> 00:19:59,198 - Hello? Anybody home? - Get down! Go, go, go! Shh. 404 00:19:59,281 --> 00:20:01,116 I can hear someone in there. Channing? 405 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,994 Jenna Dewan? Their daughter, Everly Elizabeth? 406 00:20:04,078 --> 00:20:06,997 Uh, it's me... Channing Tatum. 407 00:20:07,081 --> 00:20:09,708 I'm in the middle of, uh, channing right now, 408 00:20:09,792 --> 00:20:12,878 but you can come back... tatum? 409 00:20:12,961 --> 00:20:14,963 Listen, I'm a reporter. 410 00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:18,008 I tested your DNA against another sample's DNA, 411 00:20:18,092 --> 00:20:19,802 and apparently the two are related. 412 00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:22,012 - You're a father. - Wait, what? 413 00:20:22,096 --> 00:20:24,181 - Okay. Thanks! - Todd. 414 00:20:24,264 --> 00:20:27,392 I was going to write a story and drag your name through the mud 415 00:20:27,476 --> 00:20:31,271 just because I thought a couple more people would click on an article I wrote. 416 00:20:31,355 --> 00:20:34,900 But I don't think that's the kind of journalist I want to be. 417 00:20:34,983 --> 00:20:37,861 Maybe I'm not cut out for this line of work. 418 00:20:37,945 --> 00:20:39,154 Sorry to bother you. 419 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:40,697 Uh... 420 00:20:40,781 --> 00:20:44,618 Hey, I obviously don't know you because I am Channing Tatum, 421 00:20:44,701 --> 00:20:47,371 the guy from Green Lantern or whatever, 422 00:20:47,454 --> 00:20:50,332 and you are a nobody, but you came all the way over here 423 00:20:50,415 --> 00:20:52,960 to warn me about something you hadn't even written yet. 424 00:20:53,043 --> 00:20:55,587 You ask me, movie star Channing Tatum, 425 00:20:55,671 --> 00:20:59,466 I'd say you're exactly the kind of journalist we need in this world. 426 00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:00,634 Wow! 427 00:21:00,717 --> 00:21:04,221 That doesn't sound at all like Channing Tatum's voice, 428 00:21:04,304 --> 00:21:08,517 but that is the kind of thing I would want Channing Tatum to say to me, 429 00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,477 so thanks, Channing. 430 00:21:10,561 --> 00:21:11,728 Love half your movies! 431 00:21:11,812 --> 00:21:14,523 That was a close one, huh, Hollyhock? 432 00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:17,401 - Hollyhock? - To-To-To-Todd! 433 00:21:17,484 --> 00:21:19,319 Todd's phone. What do you want? 434 00:21:19,403 --> 00:21:22,239 So, I see lots of pictures of you at the fashion show, 435 00:21:22,322 --> 00:21:25,200 - but none of you with Courtney. - Oh, crap! 436 00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:28,745 - Hi. - Oh, hello. 437 00:21:28,829 --> 00:21:30,789 Uh, why are you wearing my clothes? 438 00:21:30,873 --> 00:21:35,294 These aren't anything like your clothes. This hat alone cost $50,000. 439 00:21:35,377 --> 00:21:39,381 Oh. So, uh... what's it like being a movie star? 440 00:21:39,464 --> 00:21:40,924 It's awfully trying. 441 00:21:41,008 --> 00:21:43,510 Do you ever feel like everyone's looking at you 442 00:21:43,594 --> 00:21:46,889 - but nobody sees you? - Yeah, that's exactly how I feel. 443 00:21:46,972 --> 00:21:50,225 No, I was speaking rhetorically about a feeling that only movie stars get. 444 00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:51,309 Ohh. 445 00:21:51,351 --> 00:21:53,687 - Okay. - But it feels good to talk about it. 446 00:21:53,770 --> 00:21:55,856 Yeah. Talking's good. 447 00:21:55,939 --> 00:21:59,067 You know, there was a meeting I was supposed to go to tonight, 448 00:21:59,151 --> 00:22:01,872 but I don't think I'm gonna go. I don't know if I'm ready. 449 00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:02,982 Ready for what? 450 00:22:03,030 --> 00:22:05,866 What if it's not everything I want it to be? 451 00:22:05,949 --> 00:22:09,870 Sometimes the idea of something is better than the truth, you know? 452 00:22:09,953 --> 00:22:12,831 I always prefer fiction to truth, personally. 453 00:22:12,915 --> 00:22:14,435 I've staked my career on it. 454 00:22:14,499 --> 00:22:16,251 Yeah, that makes sense. 455 00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:18,170 - Ha hah! - Smile for the birdie. 456 00:22:18,253 --> 00:22:20,756 Hey, Courtney, you canoodling with a supermodel now? 457 00:22:20,839 --> 00:22:22,382 - That's right. - Fancy. 458 00:22:22,466 --> 00:22:24,718 I love how not down-to-earth you are together. 459 00:22:24,801 --> 00:22:27,804 This is going to really make headlines when you two break up. 460 00:22:27,888 --> 00:22:31,308 Here's an even bigger headline: We shan't be breaking up. 461 00:22:31,391 --> 00:22:33,477 - We're engaged! - Wowee! 462 00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:36,438 Hooray! I'm confused! 463 00:22:38,148 --> 00:22:40,776 Hollyhock? Are you here? 464 00:22:40,859 --> 00:22:43,403 No, but BoJack, who lives here, is here. 465 00:22:43,487 --> 00:22:46,198 BoJack, I gotta tell you, um... 466 00:22:47,157 --> 00:22:49,409 - Hollyhock is your daughter. - What do you mean? 467 00:22:49,493 --> 00:22:51,213 - She's your daughter. - I don't understand. 468 00:22:51,245 --> 00:22:53,664 She has Horseman DNA. You're her father. 469 00:22:53,747 --> 00:22:54,947 That's impossible. I'm BoJack. 470 00:22:54,998 --> 00:22:59,252 She didn't want me to tell you, but I thought you should know. 471 00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:02,600 I guess I don't blame her. I wouldn't want to be my daughter either. 472 00:23:02,631 --> 00:23:03,465 BoJack... 473 00:23:03,548 --> 00:23:05,634 Look what I do to people I'm supposed to care about. 474 00:23:05,717 --> 00:23:08,720 I had sex with the one person I've ever seen you be in love with. 475 00:23:08,804 --> 00:23:11,848 I guess they're not gonna put you in the best friends hall of fame, 476 00:23:11,932 --> 00:23:14,309 but I don't know that I loved her. 477 00:23:14,393 --> 00:23:16,144 I don't think I'm allowed to be in love. 478 00:23:16,228 --> 00:23:18,563 Don't say that. You do so much for everybody. 479 00:23:18,647 --> 00:23:20,527 All you ever asked for was a roof over your head 480 00:23:20,607 --> 00:23:22,207 and the occasional s'more in a baguette. 481 00:23:22,275 --> 00:23:24,736 I'm telling you, it's a million-dollar idea. 482 00:23:24,820 --> 00:23:26,530 I got more of you than I ever deserved. 483 00:23:26,613 --> 00:23:28,740 If you never talk to me again I just want you to know 484 00:23:28,824 --> 00:23:31,827 that I appreciate it, and I appreciate you. 485 00:23:31,910 --> 00:23:33,370 Thanks. 486 00:23:33,453 --> 00:23:37,124 It was shitty what you did with Emily, but, um... 487 00:23:37,207 --> 00:23:41,712 I think I'm... asexual. 488 00:23:41,795 --> 00:23:44,339 A sexual what? Dynamo, deviant? 489 00:23:44,423 --> 00:23:46,091 Harassment lawsuit waiting to happen? 490 00:23:46,174 --> 00:23:49,463 No. Asexual, not sexual. 491 00:23:49,518 --> 00:23:50,554 Ohh. 492 00:23:50,637 --> 00:23:54,016 - I'm sure you think that's weird. - Are you kidding? That's amazing. 493 00:23:54,099 --> 00:23:56,018 Sometimes I wish I was asexual. 494 00:23:56,101 --> 00:23:58,145 Maybe then I wouldn't have a strain of herpes. 495 00:23:58,228 --> 00:23:59,855 - You have multiple strains... - I know. 496 00:23:59,938 --> 00:24:01,258 The joke only works with the "a". 497 00:24:01,314 --> 00:24:04,860 It actually feels nice to finally say it out loud. 498 00:24:04,943 --> 00:24:07,237 I am an asexual person. 499 00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:10,157 - I am asexual. - That's great. 500 00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:12,576 So if you're not mad about Emily... 501 00:24:12,659 --> 00:24:15,454 It wasn't just Emily, BoJack, 502 00:24:15,537 --> 00:24:18,582 and I don't know if I'm ready for us to be friends again yet. 503 00:24:18,665 --> 00:24:21,752 - Oh. Okay. - But we can be more than not-friends. 504 00:24:21,835 --> 00:24:23,211 You know, for an asexual, 505 00:24:23,295 --> 00:24:26,256 more than not-friends is probably as good as it gets, right? 506 00:24:26,339 --> 00:24:28,842 I'm not really at a place yet where I want to joke about it. 507 00:24:28,925 --> 00:24:32,304 - Got it, got it, totally. - But it feels good to talk about it. 508 00:24:32,387 --> 00:24:34,598 Well, if you ever need a place to crash, that couch... 509 00:24:34,681 --> 00:24:36,433 - I'm gonna go. - Oh. 510 00:24:36,516 --> 00:24:38,727 - Right now? - Welcome back, BoJack. 511 00:24:38,810 --> 00:24:40,562 It's good to see you. 512 00:24:42,773 --> 00:24:44,191 Uh... 513 00:24:44,608 --> 00:24:45,608 Hmm. 514 00:24:47,402 --> 00:24:48,528 Todd? 515 00:25:08,924 --> 00:25:11,093 Hmm. 516 00:25:11,176 --> 00:25:12,844 Good for him. 517 00:25:13,428 --> 00:25:19,768 Back in the '90s I was in a very famous TV show. 518 00:25:22,354 --> 00:25:24,606 - I'm BoJack the Horseman. - BoJack. 519 00:25:24,689 --> 00:25:28,860 BoJack the Horseman Don't act like you don't know. 520 00:25:31,822 --> 00:25:35,992 And I'm trying to hold on to my past. 521 00:25:36,076 --> 00:25:40,789 It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last 522 00:25:40,872 --> 00:25:44,584 I guess I'll just try And make you understand. 523 00:25:44,668 --> 00:25:48,630 That I'm more horse than a man. 524 00:25:48,713 --> 00:25:53,176 Or I'm more man than a horse. 525 00:25:53,260 --> 00:25:54,553 BoJack. 526 00:25:57,597 --> 00:26:01,518 Boxer vs. Raptor, Na-na na-na na-na na-na!