1
00:00:07,424 --> 00:00:08,925
Hey, it's Hollyhock.
2
00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:12,053
Leave a message, if you're a hundred.
3
00:00:12,137 --> 00:00:13,054
Hey, Hollyhock.
4
00:00:13,138 --> 00:00:15,807
Um, you still haven't returned
my last call, which is fine.
5
00:00:15,890 --> 00:00:18,143
I just... I know you're going back
to school soon,
6
00:00:18,226 --> 00:00:21,146
and you should know I won't be there.
7
00:00:21,229 --> 00:00:24,357
Because of... everything
you've probably heard about.
8
00:00:24,441 --> 00:00:27,610
So, if you were worried
you'd have to see me, you won't.
9
00:00:27,694 --> 00:00:29,070
But I would love to talk.
10
00:00:29,946 --> 00:00:31,448
It's BoJack.
11
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:38,413
Welcome to Burritos and Mo!
Home of burritos and much, much mo!
12
00:00:38,496 --> 00:00:42,375
- Give me a large number three.
- Oh, my God. Ellie! Look at the monitor.
13
00:00:42,459 --> 00:00:45,003
It's fricking BoJack Horseman.
Don't worry, I muted it.
14
00:00:45,503 --> 00:00:48,256
- He looks like crap.
- Yeah. His tie is all loosened up,
15
00:00:48,339 --> 00:00:51,009
which is like the universal sign
for having a shitty day.
16
00:00:51,092 --> 00:00:53,470
Probably because he just came
from court. It's all over the news.
17
00:00:53,553 --> 00:00:56,639
He just settled with Sarah Lynn's family
for five million dollars.
18
00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:59,184
Makes sense. He seemed like
a real psycho in that interview
19
00:00:59,267 --> 00:01:00,810
- he did a few months back.
- Yeah. Guys.
20
00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:03,146
I'm surprised he'd still
wanna show his face in public.
21
00:01:03,229 --> 00:01:04,481
- Hey!
- His face is everywhere.
22
00:01:04,564 --> 00:01:06,191
- The cover of every magazine.
- Okay.
23
00:01:06,274 --> 00:01:08,985
Even got the number-one slot
for Hundred Most Hatted Men.
24
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:11,112
- No, it...
- Most Hatted Men? What is that?
25
00:01:11,196 --> 00:01:13,823
List of men in hats, I guess.
He was wearing a fedora.
26
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:15,116
It was Most Hated Men!
27
00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:16,284
What?
28
00:01:16,493 --> 00:01:19,287
It was the Hundred Most Hated Men,
it was a newsboy cap,
29
00:01:19,370 --> 00:01:21,122
and I can hear everything
you've been saying!
30
00:01:21,206 --> 00:01:22,415
Uh...
31
00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:25,710
- Get his bags, Ellie!
- You said you muted it!
32
00:01:27,045 --> 00:01:32,300
- Have a burrito-ful day!
- Hey! You suck, asshole!
33
00:02:31,359 --> 00:02:33,570
I don't think it's wise
to be burning Bridges at this juncture.
34
00:02:33,653 --> 00:02:35,530
I'm sorry, just don't like Beau.
35
00:02:35,613 --> 00:02:37,115
{\an8}-Greetings, strangers!
- Maude?
36
00:02:37,198 --> 00:02:38,741
{\an8}That's what they want you to think!
37
00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:41,911
{\an8}I'm Maude's twin sister Fergus,
we have never met before,
38
00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:44,831
and I'd be delighted to accept a job
at this company.
39
00:02:44,914 --> 00:02:47,333
{\an8}-What?
- As you know, I have 12 children.
40
00:02:47,458 --> 00:02:49,669
What sort of day care services
do you provide here?
41
00:02:49,752 --> 00:02:52,046
{\an8}Has this ever happened to you?
42
00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:53,590
{\an8}Todd? At the office?
43
00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:55,675
Can we wrap whatever this is up?
44
00:02:55,758 --> 00:02:57,886
{\an8}I'm supposed to head over
to the "Birthday Dad" set.
45
00:02:57,969 --> 00:02:59,554
{\an8}I wanna run a day care at VIM!
46
00:02:59,637 --> 00:03:02,932
{\an8}I've mastered the art of looking
at one baby and I'm ready for more.
47
00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:05,185
You do have several employees
with children.
48
00:03:05,268 --> 00:03:06,769
{\an8}If you employ Todd through the company,
49
00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:09,272
{\an8}you could offer him a raise
and still save money on taxes.
50
00:03:09,355 --> 00:03:10,190
Great. It's done.
51
00:03:10,356 --> 00:03:12,901
{\an8}Hooray! Corporate tax loophole!
52
00:03:12,984 --> 00:03:14,944
{\an8}Plus, we can carpool to the office.
53
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:19,157
{\an8}Which leads me to my next point.
I am moving out to live with Maude.
54
00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:21,784
{\an8}It's me! It's Maude.
I don't really have a twin sister.
55
00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:24,662
{\an8}Hey, that's fantastic!
Where are you moving to?
56
00:03:24,746 --> 00:03:25,747
Um...
57
00:03:25,830 --> 00:03:28,833
- You can stay here! Live with me forever!
- Cut!
58
00:03:29,250 --> 00:03:31,461
{\an8}The line is,
"Thank you for the birthday pizza.
59
00:03:31,544 --> 00:03:32,795
{\an8}Today, I am your dad."
60
00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:35,173
- Oh, sorry!
- Let's take five?
61
00:03:35,256 --> 00:03:38,218
{\an8}-Hey, champ. Everything okay?
- I'm just distracted.
62
00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:41,763
{\an8}Ever since Pickles left, I've been
so lonely in that big, empty house.
63
00:03:41,846 --> 00:03:44,891
I've always had a wife or a girlfriend,
someone to take care of.
64
00:03:44,974 --> 00:03:46,851
Princess Carolyn,
you're perpetually alone.
65
00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:49,979
{\an8}-How do you manage?
- One day at a time, buddy.
66
00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:52,065
I went to the doctor to see
if he could make me feel better,
67
00:03:52,148 --> 00:03:54,067
he said, "You should check out
this Internet meme,
68
00:03:54,150 --> 00:03:56,444
it always cheers me up: Sad Dog."
69
00:03:56,527 --> 00:04:00,365
And I said, "But Doctor, I am Sad Dog."
70
00:04:01,115 --> 00:04:04,953
Guys, I'm really sorry
this keeps happening.
71
00:04:05,036 --> 00:04:08,915
When I got home, I found my wife
and daughter had moved out.
72
00:04:08,998 --> 00:04:10,708
All they left behind was this picture.
73
00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:13,419
- Okay. Rude.
- Shh!
74
00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:15,797
It's the stock photo
that came in the frame.
75
00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:21,302
My wife kept asking me to put in a picture
of our family, but I was always too drunk.
76
00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:24,097
But because of all of you
and my sponsor Leo,
77
00:04:24,222 --> 00:04:27,183
I'm no longer just the man
who's not in this picture.
78
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:31,646
I'm a different, better man
who is also not in this picture.
79
00:04:31,854 --> 00:04:33,022
Who's next?
80
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,320
- Um, okay, I'll speak.
- Ugh.
81
00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:41,406
Things have been pretty brutal
for me lately.
82
00:04:41,489 --> 00:04:43,032
- Most people hate me...
- Mm-hmm.
83
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:45,910
...I just lost five million dollars,
so that's not great.
84
00:04:45,994 --> 00:04:49,163
Could probably use a Leo
of my own right about now.
85
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:51,582
Wow, tough room.
86
00:04:51,666 --> 00:04:54,961
This AA meeting is a tough room.
87
00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:03,886
Hey, I'll be your sponsor.
88
00:05:04,262 --> 00:05:05,179
Oh! Um...
89
00:05:05,263 --> 00:05:07,056
I know what you're thinking,
"Vance Waggoner?
90
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:08,641
That guy's gonna be my sponsor?
91
00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:11,436
The guy Charlie Sheen
once called 'a little much'?"
92
00:05:11,519 --> 00:05:13,062
- Uh...
- "Vance Waggoner?
93
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:15,982
That guy's got more domestic assault
convictions than Sean Penn!"
94
00:05:16,107 --> 00:05:17,108
And now you're thinking,
95
00:05:17,191 --> 00:05:19,402
"Did Sean Penn get convicted
of domestic assault
96
00:05:19,485 --> 00:05:21,321
or was it just alleged?
I gotta look that up later."
97
00:05:21,404 --> 00:05:22,780
- I'm sure...
- Now you're thinking,
98
00:05:22,905 --> 00:05:25,742
"Why would someone this cool
and put-together wanna sponsor me,
99
00:05:25,825 --> 00:05:28,036
- dumb slob BoJack Horseman?"
- That's not...
100
00:05:28,119 --> 00:05:31,789
Wait. I've been where you've been, BoJack.
And everyone abandoned me.
101
00:05:31,873 --> 00:05:35,084
If you need someone to talk to,
give me a call, okay?
102
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:39,672
My number is 555-555-8008.
103
00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:41,966
Because sometimes
life turns you upside-down,
104
00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:47,430
and when you're upside-down,
my number is boobs.
105
00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:53,853
Hello?
106
00:05:53,936 --> 00:05:55,772
Diane! How are the revisions going?
107
00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:58,941
Good! Usually at this stage
I hate everything I've ever written
108
00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:02,904
and I feel like a worthless hack,
but this book actually isn't terrible.
109
00:06:02,987 --> 00:06:05,406
Great, so when can we expect
the not-terrible sequel,
110
00:06:05,490 --> 00:06:08,117
"Ivy Tran Two: A Tran for All Seasons"?
111
00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:11,788
I don't know, Ivy Tran was fun
but I'm a grown-up writer.
112
00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:14,665
There are other things I wanna write.
Did you know Eleanor Roosevelt...
113
00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:17,085
- Interesting.
- I didn't even tell you the thing.
114
00:06:17,168 --> 00:06:19,754
I know.
I was interested in you not telling me.
115
00:06:19,879 --> 00:06:20,963
Okay, good bit.
116
00:06:21,089 --> 00:06:21,923
In the meantime,
117
00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:25,676
if you're interested in writing books
that people actually read,
118
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:29,389
you'll get to work on "Ivy Tran Two:
Last Tran to Clarksville."
119
00:06:29,472 --> 00:06:31,307
- Eleanor Roosevelt once...
- Interesting!
120
00:06:35,937 --> 00:06:38,106
And those congressional
turd-weasels
121
00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:41,734
actually called this legislation
the "Anti-Corruption Bill!"
122
00:06:41,818 --> 00:06:44,362
That's like if BoJack Horseman
wore a T-shirt that said,
123
00:06:44,445 --> 00:06:47,615
"I am not a ginormous dick-weasel!"
124
00:06:47,698 --> 00:06:49,826
Hey, that is an unfair drive-by!
125
00:06:49,909 --> 00:06:53,121
Now, I know this Photoshop is not up
to our program's usual standards,
126
00:06:53,204 --> 00:06:55,081
but in our graphic department's defense,
127
00:06:55,164 --> 00:06:58,584
none of them could spend ten minutes
looking at this ass-weasel
128
00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:01,087
without their uteruses
literally throwing up.
129
00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:02,755
Ugh!
130
00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:05,925
Yes?
131
00:07:06,008 --> 00:07:08,010
BoJack, it's your very good
accountant Gaz.
132
00:07:08,136 --> 00:07:10,471
- I'm here with...
- Your very good lawyer Chaz!
133
00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:11,931
Okay.
134
00:07:12,014 --> 00:07:14,767
The good news is the Sarah Lynn settlement
isn't gonna kill us.
135
00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:15,726
What's the bad news?
136
00:07:15,852 --> 00:07:18,604
The bad news is you're being sued
for a hundred million dollars.
137
00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:20,648
- What?
- Remember in your interview,
138
00:07:20,731 --> 00:07:24,986
when you disparagingly referred
to yourself as "a Xerox of a Xerox"?
139
00:07:25,069 --> 00:07:26,904
The Xerox Corporation did not appreciate
140
00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:29,282
being implicated
in your untoward behavior.
141
00:07:29,365 --> 00:07:32,660
Just so I'm clear, Sarah Lynn's death
cost me five million dollars,
142
00:07:32,743 --> 00:07:36,372
but saying something bad about a brand
is gonna cost me a hundred million?
143
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,833
When you frame it that way,
it almost seems comical!
144
00:07:38,916 --> 00:07:40,168
But it is not comical,
145
00:07:40,251 --> 00:07:43,254
because a hundred million dollars
is a lot of money you do not have.
146
00:07:43,337 --> 00:07:44,505
Okay, so what's the move?
147
00:07:44,589 --> 00:07:47,175
Funny you should mention "move."
148
00:07:47,258 --> 00:07:49,385
Your accountant told me
you wanted to sell your house?
149
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:51,971
- Okay, I'm gonna call you back.
- So, I sold your house!
150
00:07:52,054 --> 00:07:54,390
Wow-ee! It looks better than the pictures!
151
00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:56,350
- You sold my house?
- Golly, are you...?
152
00:07:56,434 --> 00:07:58,060
Sylvester Stallion.
From the Rocky movies.
153
00:07:58,144 --> 00:08:00,771
Oh! Hey, you kids wanna go check out
the pool?
154
00:08:00,855 --> 00:08:02,315
- Yeah!
- I love my new life!
155
00:08:02,398 --> 00:08:03,232
You sold my house?
156
00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:07,862
I found this sweet, sweet family from Ohio
whose kid just got cast in a movie!
157
00:08:07,987 --> 00:08:09,739
I wanted to make sure the ink dried
on the mortgage
158
00:08:09,822 --> 00:08:12,992
before they find out the movie's
being shot in Saskatchewan.
159
00:08:13,075 --> 00:08:13,993
So, where do I go?
160
00:08:14,076 --> 00:08:16,120
What do I look like, a real estate agent?
161
00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:18,289
- Wait.
- Yeah?
162
00:08:18,372 --> 00:08:19,499
Your mail came.
163
00:08:19,582 --> 00:08:22,543
- Now leave. You're harshing the buzz.
- But...
164
00:08:28,257 --> 00:08:29,091
Huh?
165
00:08:45,608 --> 00:08:49,612
- Well, I'm all moved in.
- Me too.
166
00:08:50,071 --> 00:08:54,617
Wow! Got a promotion
and my own apartment all in the same day.
167
00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:59,163
- I never realized my boyfriend was butter.
- You're right. I am on a roll!
168
00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:00,540
What should I do next?
169
00:09:01,582 --> 00:09:04,752
Chavez residence, this is Jorge.
Please state the purpose of your call
170
00:09:04,835 --> 00:09:07,129
so I can most appropriately
modulate my tone.
171
00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:09,423
Hey, it's Todd. Is Mom there?
172
00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:11,300
Ah! Todd! Yes.
173
00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:14,095
Oh. She's resting at the moment.
Can I take a message?
174
00:09:14,178 --> 00:09:17,890
I just wanted her to know that
I don't have anything to prove to her,
175
00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:20,643
but I got a new job and an apartment,
176
00:09:20,726 --> 00:09:23,312
so if I did have something
to prove to her,
177
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:26,107
- I'd have proven it by now.
- Well, that's wonderful, Todd.
178
00:09:26,190 --> 00:09:29,694
Yes. And quite mature.
And she won't even talk to me.
179
00:09:29,819 --> 00:09:32,280
- Does she know I'm butter?
- I'm glad to hear you're on a roll.
180
00:09:32,363 --> 00:09:33,990
We'd love to see your home
once you're settled.
181
00:09:34,073 --> 00:09:37,535
What's that supposed to mean?
I'm settled! I'm a grown-ass Todd!
182
00:09:37,660 --> 00:09:40,204
- No, I just meant...
- I don't need to impress you!
183
00:09:40,329 --> 00:09:42,748
Why don't you come
to my fancy, sophisticated
184
00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:46,168
housewarming party tomorrow night
and see for yourself!
185
00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:48,004
Consider us there. What can we bring?
186
00:09:48,087 --> 00:09:49,964
Two chairs!
187
00:09:50,047 --> 00:09:52,049
We could throw together a party, right?
188
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:53,759
Um...
189
00:09:54,176 --> 00:09:55,803
- No.
- I need a job.
190
00:09:55,886 --> 00:09:56,762
There are no offers.
191
00:09:56,846 --> 00:10:00,474
- Can you check? Ask around?
- I'm checking. I'm asking around.
192
00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:04,520
- There are no offers.
- But I'm broke and homeless.
193
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:07,982
I can get you a small role
on "Birthday Dad."
194
00:10:08,107 --> 00:10:10,943
Great. Have my pages delivered
to me at the Chateau Marmoset.
195
00:10:11,027 --> 00:10:13,529
- You just said you're broke!
- And homeless.
196
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,531
You are not staying at a fancy hotel.
197
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:16,991
Who else would have me?
198
00:10:17,074 --> 00:10:19,827
You could stay here! Live with me forever!
199
00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:28,961
And flip! Morning, sunshine!
200
00:10:29,045 --> 00:10:30,921
I hope I didn't wake you
with the delicious smell
201
00:10:31,005 --> 00:10:32,298
of a well-balanced breakfast.
202
00:10:32,381 --> 00:10:35,009
- Less talky. More coffee.
- You got it, roomie!
203
00:10:35,092 --> 00:10:37,178
Coffee maker, make!
204
00:10:37,261 --> 00:10:40,640
Took the liberty of doing your laundry
and this letter was in your pocket.
205
00:10:40,723 --> 00:10:43,643
Ooh-hoo! A mysterious pen pal!
206
00:10:43,726 --> 00:10:46,812
Is it a secret admirer
or the snowman killer still at large?
207
00:10:46,896 --> 00:10:48,689
It's from Hollyhock. But...
208
00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:51,901
I can't open it. What if she says
she never wants to hear from me again?
209
00:10:51,984 --> 00:10:56,155
Or maybe it says "I got rid of my TV
three months ago. What's new, BoJack?"
210
00:10:56,238 --> 00:10:57,531
I should just call her.
211
00:10:57,615 --> 00:10:59,909
If I could talk to her,
I feel like I could explain that...
212
00:10:59,992 --> 00:11:03,496
Hey, it's Hollyhock.
Leave a message, if you're a hundred.
213
00:11:03,579 --> 00:11:05,665
Hey, Hollyhock. It's me again.
214
00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:08,084
And his good friend and roommate
and coworker, Mr. Peanutbutter!
215
00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:09,710
It's our first day of work together!
216
00:11:09,794 --> 00:11:11,837
I got your letter
and I haven't read it yet,
217
00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:13,839
but I'm going to and...
218
00:11:14,131 --> 00:11:17,343
It's really great to hear your voice...
your voicemail voice.
219
00:11:17,426 --> 00:11:19,553
Just give me a call. It's BoJack.
220
00:11:19,637 --> 00:11:21,722
- Ready to go?
- What about this breakfast?
221
00:11:21,806 --> 00:11:25,393
We don't have time for that!
You can feed me while I drive, let's go!
222
00:11:29,814 --> 00:11:32,650
Easy. Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop!
223
00:11:32,733 --> 00:11:34,694
Hey, Judah. I need your advice.
224
00:11:34,777 --> 00:11:36,946
I'm trying to throw
a sophisticated adult party
225
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:38,072
to impress my parents
226
00:11:38,155 --> 00:11:41,325
and I have no furniture
or sophisticated adult friends.
227
00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:45,413
I'm alarmed. Do you not consider me
a sophisticated adult or a friend?
228
00:11:45,496 --> 00:11:48,457
Judah, this is no time for one
of your famous Judah tantrums!
229
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:51,752
Sounds like you need to throw together
a scheme in a short amount of time.
230
00:11:51,836 --> 00:11:53,421
In situations like this, I often think,
231
00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:55,005
- "What would Todd do?"
- And?
232
00:11:55,089 --> 00:11:56,549
He'd probably scour VIM's talent list
233
00:11:56,632 --> 00:11:58,592
for underemployed actors,
tell them they've been hired
234
00:11:58,676 --> 00:12:01,554
for a site-specific immersive
theater piece as cosmopolitan partygoers,
235
00:12:01,637 --> 00:12:04,390
invite just enough real friends
to lend it an air of legitimacy
236
00:12:04,473 --> 00:12:05,891
and raid the "Birthday Dad" set
for furniture.
237
00:12:05,975 --> 00:12:09,270
That's brilliant!
Todd, I've done it again!
238
00:12:09,353 --> 00:12:11,647
Let's go, babies!
239
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:14,608
Uh... Babies. Come on!
240
00:12:19,447 --> 00:12:20,364
War.
241
00:12:20,823 --> 00:12:22,450
And for what?
242
00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:24,869
A couple trophies? A parade?
243
00:12:24,952 --> 00:12:27,121
No. Not for me.
244
00:12:27,204 --> 00:12:29,248
Maybe I'm just a crazy,
old birthday person,
245
00:12:29,331 --> 00:12:31,584
but I think war is bad.
246
00:12:31,667 --> 00:12:35,171
Great job, Mr. Peanutbutter.
You're changing hearts and minds.
247
00:12:35,629 --> 00:12:37,339
Isn't this great? Working together?
248
00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:39,550
For the next take,
can we get Dead Body Number Four
249
00:12:39,633 --> 00:12:41,427
to face away from the camera?
250
00:12:41,510 --> 00:12:42,970
- Oh! That's you!
- Yeah.
251
00:12:43,053 --> 00:12:45,806
Exciting!
252
00:12:45,890 --> 00:12:47,600
All the way away
from the camera.
253
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:50,978
I can't really breathe.
254
00:12:51,061 --> 00:12:53,314
That's okay. Let's run it again.
255
00:12:55,357 --> 00:12:57,276
Cool dressing room.
256
00:12:57,359 --> 00:12:58,652
And great work on that scene.
257
00:12:58,736 --> 00:13:01,197
You really seemed like
a hollowed-out corpse.
258
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,157
Once animated by the fire of life,
259
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:06,952
now consumed by horror
and regret, and for what?
260
00:13:07,036 --> 00:13:08,078
Great. You wanna get dinner?
261
00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:11,207
Oh, I'd love to, buddy,
but I have like five more scenes to shoot.
262
00:13:11,290 --> 00:13:15,127
Oh. Of course, yeah.
I'll see you back at the house then?
263
00:13:15,211 --> 00:13:19,256
Yeah. Oh! I'm probably going to head
right to Todd's fancy party after work.
264
00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:20,716
Todd's having a fancy party?
265
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,384
Mr. Peanutbutter,
we're ready for the scene
266
00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:24,970
where you help an American soldier
and a Taliban insurgent
267
00:13:25,054 --> 00:13:26,639
realize they both have the same birthday.
268
00:13:26,722 --> 00:13:29,225
- It's Christmas.
- Ugh.
269
00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:39,443
BoJack!
270
00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:41,487
Greetings, cast!
271
00:13:41,570 --> 00:13:42,404
As you know,
272
00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:46,200
you have been hired to play urbane,
civilized party guests.
273
00:13:46,283 --> 00:13:48,077
So, if at any point tonight
274
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,746
a "member of the audience"
tries to talk to you,
275
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:53,374
please say one
of the three following phrases
276
00:13:53,457 --> 00:13:55,918
that elegant adults say all the time:
277
00:13:56,043 --> 00:14:01,215
"I'm starting to think smart phones
are actually making us less connected."
278
00:14:01,298 --> 00:14:05,135
- Oh, yeah!
- "Well, that's politics for you!"
279
00:14:05,219 --> 00:14:10,808
Or, "Sir, you cannot remove your shoes
inside this Applebee's."
280
00:14:10,891 --> 00:14:12,184
Ooh!
281
00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:14,061
- Hey!
- Hello.
282
00:14:14,144 --> 00:14:15,062
What's that?
283
00:14:15,145 --> 00:14:18,607
It's a case of Ass-Jolt,
Pickles' favorite alcoholic energy drink.
284
00:14:18,941 --> 00:14:21,402
I don't need them anymore.
285
00:14:22,027 --> 00:14:24,697
- Oh, fish, I forgot a gift.
- You have two options.
286
00:14:24,780 --> 00:14:27,199
This sourdough starter
or a haiku I wrote on a grain of rice
287
00:14:27,283 --> 00:14:29,368
- and then suspended in a bottle.
- Uh...
288
00:14:29,451 --> 00:14:31,370
Why don't we just say
they're both from both of us?
289
00:14:31,453 --> 00:14:32,538
Yeah.
290
00:14:34,790 --> 00:14:36,750
- Ugh.
- And you don't wanna open it?
291
00:14:36,834 --> 00:14:39,545
I'm not ready. As long as I don't read it,
she's still in my life.
292
00:14:39,628 --> 00:14:42,590
It's good to have people that remind us
why we stay sober.
293
00:14:42,673 --> 00:14:44,300
That's what my daughter is for me.
294
00:14:44,383 --> 00:14:48,846
Here's your sandwich.
Chef made it just for you.
295
00:14:48,929 --> 00:14:50,848
Hmph, hmph, hmph.
296
00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:54,101
Okay, do I have a horn?
297
00:14:54,184 --> 00:14:57,062
Because everybody keeps looking at me
like I'm some kind of freak.
298
00:14:57,146 --> 00:15:00,274
Well, if you've got a horn,
you're the ugliest unicorn I ever saw.
299
00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:02,443
You'd be kicked out of the unicorn kingdom
300
00:15:02,526 --> 00:15:06,030
because you couldn't get a date
to the marshmallow cotillion.
301
00:15:06,113 --> 00:15:09,033
Yeah, or because I snorted up
all the magic fairy glitter.
302
00:15:09,116 --> 00:15:11,493
"This summer:
Dumbass Unicorn."
303
00:15:11,619 --> 00:15:14,496
That's so stupid.
No, that's exactly what they'd do.
304
00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:18,292
It would be like
"Nasty Unicorn: The Unicorn Who Parties."
305
00:15:18,375 --> 00:15:20,502
Yeah, and his horn
is like a corkscrew,
306
00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:23,172
and he tries to open a bottle of wine,
but it gets stuck,
307
00:15:23,255 --> 00:15:25,382
so now he's got this wine bottle
on his head,
308
00:15:25,466 --> 00:15:27,009
just dripping wine down his face,
309
00:15:27,092 --> 00:15:29,094
like...
310
00:15:29,303 --> 00:15:30,346
"Nasty Unicorn.
311
00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:32,306
He puts the 'U' in 'Eff you.'"
312
00:15:32,389 --> 00:15:36,143
Okay, but it wouldn't be "Nasty Unicorn."
It would be "Horny Unicorn"!
313
00:15:36,226 --> 00:15:38,646
Oh, shit, that's amazing.
Now we have to do it.
314
00:15:38,729 --> 00:15:40,230
What do you mean "do it"?
315
00:15:40,314 --> 00:15:43,359
The movie. You're the Horny Unicorn.
I'll direct. We're doing it.
316
00:15:43,442 --> 00:15:46,737
Yeah. I'm not really the guy
people wanna see in movies right now.
317
00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:50,282
Yeah, they don't wanna see you
be Secretariat or raising orphans.
318
00:15:50,366 --> 00:15:52,242
But they will see you be a rude dude
319
00:15:52,326 --> 00:15:55,454
who says all the things polite society
is too limp-dicked to say.
320
00:15:55,537 --> 00:15:58,540
This is your way back in.
This is how you get that love back.
321
00:15:58,749 --> 00:15:59,833
"The Horny Unicorn"?
322
00:15:59,917 --> 00:16:03,671
Yeah, 'cause deep down, he's wounded.
He's misunderstood.
323
00:16:03,754 --> 00:16:05,255
It's not his fault he's the way he is!
324
00:16:05,339 --> 00:16:07,341
- And people are gonna see that!
- Yeah?
325
00:16:07,424 --> 00:16:11,261
Yeah! He's like, "Hey, buddy!
I never asked to be the horny unicorn!
326
00:16:11,345 --> 00:16:13,889
What? You think I like it that
I gotta jizz rainbows every 20 minutes
327
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,391
to keep my horn from going soft?"
328
00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:17,267
I don't know.
329
00:16:17,351 --> 00:16:19,395
Come on. I know you need the money.
330
00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:21,605
When are you gonna stop
punishing yourself?
331
00:16:26,443 --> 00:16:29,947
Flip it. No, you gotta...
Flip the thing. Flip it.
332
00:16:30,030 --> 00:16:32,741
Hey, Sonny, do you know
where the advance copy of my book is?
333
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:34,201
Your stupid book about the mall?
334
00:16:34,284 --> 00:16:36,704
Haven't seen it.
'Cause I would never even notice it.
335
00:16:36,787 --> 00:16:39,832
'Cause it's for losers. Girl losers.
336
00:16:40,082 --> 00:16:41,375
You can just say losers.
337
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:44,753
Girls can be losers without specifying
that they're girls.
338
00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:47,631
Will you let me know if you see it?
I need to get revisions to my publisher.
339
00:16:47,715 --> 00:16:49,758
Sounds like a "you" problem.
340
00:16:51,427 --> 00:16:52,511
Girl loser.
341
00:16:59,184 --> 00:17:01,353
- Hello.
- We're here for the party?
342
00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:02,563
We brought a plant.
343
00:17:02,646 --> 00:17:05,274
Uh, just one sec.
344
00:17:06,734 --> 00:17:10,070
I'm starting to think smart phones
are actually making us less connected.
345
00:17:10,154 --> 00:17:12,906
- They are!
- Well, that's politics for you.
346
00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:16,243
- It is!
- Hey, man. Uh...
347
00:17:16,326 --> 00:17:18,620
- What's going on?
- We're here for the party.
348
00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:19,997
We brought a plant.
349
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:24,001
Look... BoJack,
don't make me ask you to leave.
350
00:17:24,084 --> 00:17:25,836
- You don't have to...
- Come on, dude. Let us in.
351
00:17:25,919 --> 00:17:28,213
- This plant's heavy as tits.
- I don't want a whole thing here.
352
00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:31,884
My mom is coming
and I haven't spoken to her in ten years,
353
00:17:31,967 --> 00:17:33,802
and I can't risk anything happening.
354
00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:35,554
What do you think is going to "happen"?
355
00:17:35,637 --> 00:17:38,766
I don't know, man,
but something always happens with you
356
00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:44,188
and usually I've been cool because I know
you're always dealing with your own shit,
357
00:17:44,271 --> 00:17:45,981
but I can't risk it tonight.
358
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:48,817
I'm sober. Nothing is going to happen.
359
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,944
Yeah, bro, what do you think's gonna...
Oh, shit.
360
00:17:51,028 --> 00:17:52,154
Ugh!
361
00:17:54,239 --> 00:17:55,741
I'll see you around.
362
00:17:58,494 --> 00:18:00,496
We spent like 30 bucks on that plant.
363
00:18:03,624 --> 00:18:08,170
Yes, I have made mistakes. So, now what?
I'm just supposed to go away forever?
364
00:18:08,253 --> 00:18:09,922
I'm sorry, but that's bullshit.
365
00:18:10,005 --> 00:18:12,299
This is where you find out
who your real friends are.
366
00:18:12,382 --> 00:18:15,094
Part of being sober is leaving behind
all the people
367
00:18:15,177 --> 00:18:17,429
who can't stop seeing you as the person
who pissed in the fountain
368
00:18:17,513 --> 00:18:19,515
- at my own daughter's sweet 16.
- Yeah?
369
00:18:19,598 --> 00:18:23,185
You think you owe them something
because they tolerated you at your worst,
370
00:18:23,268 --> 00:18:27,064
but these people enjoy seeing you fail
because it lets them feel superior.
371
00:18:27,147 --> 00:18:30,234
They don't know how to process it
when you're no longer the huge screw-up
372
00:18:30,317 --> 00:18:33,362
who hijacked a Meals On Wheels van
to bring my friends to a strip club.
373
00:18:33,529 --> 00:18:36,156
- I don't know...
- I do. You know what else I know?
374
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:37,991
You gotta go where the love is.
375
00:18:38,408 --> 00:18:40,077
Yeah. Maybe.
376
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:42,287
That's why we gotta make "Horny Unicorn."
377
00:18:42,371 --> 00:18:45,999
Because it's gonna make a billion dollars
and drive all those assholes crazy!
378
00:18:46,416 --> 00:18:48,168
It would be good to have something
to keep me busy.
379
00:18:48,252 --> 00:18:49,962
See? That's what I'm talking about!
380
00:18:50,045 --> 00:18:52,339
There he is! There's my Horn-corn!
381
00:18:53,340 --> 00:18:55,592
- Ah, shit. My daughter's in trouble.
- What is it?
382
00:18:55,676 --> 00:18:57,469
You mind if we swing by EWE.S.C.
real quick?
383
00:18:57,553 --> 00:18:59,596
EWE.S.C.? I'm trying to keep
a low profile.
384
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:02,558
- I don't think a college campus...
- BoJack, this is my daughter, okay?
385
00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:05,310
She's the one person I care about,
the one thing keeping me sober.
386
00:19:05,394 --> 00:19:07,563
- Why do you need me to go with you?
- Unbelievable.
387
00:19:07,646 --> 00:19:09,731
When everyone else abandoned you,
who was there for you?
388
00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:11,650
When the world judged you
and ridiculed you?
389
00:19:11,733 --> 00:19:13,861
And now, the one time
I need something from you...
390
00:19:13,944 --> 00:19:15,237
Okay. I'm in.
391
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:17,948
Or as the horny unicorn would say,
"Am I in?"
392
00:19:18,031 --> 00:19:20,033
Oh, you're in, baby!
393
00:19:23,871 --> 00:19:27,040
No. No. Come on, come on,
come on! Come on!
394
00:19:27,124 --> 00:19:30,419
- What the hell, Diane?
- Ah! I'm working! I'm just taking a break.
395
00:19:30,502 --> 00:19:34,089
- Oh, you found my book?
- Yeah, and it sucked. Totally unrealistic.
396
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:36,049
- You read my book?
- I've been reading it.
397
00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:38,010
Obviously, I wasn't gonna say it
in front of my friends,
398
00:19:38,093 --> 00:19:41,346
because it's a book for girl babies,
but anyways it didn't even make sense!
399
00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:42,264
What do you mean?
400
00:19:42,347 --> 00:19:46,560
Like, you say the book takes place
in Chicago, but Ivy lives in Schaumburg.
401
00:19:46,643 --> 00:19:49,855
Schaumburg, Diane?
Schaumburg's not Chicago.
402
00:19:49,938 --> 00:19:51,106
It's in the Chicago metropolitan...
403
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:55,027
Oh, my God, what's next?!
Evanston, Chicago?
404
00:19:55,152 --> 00:19:59,448
Morton Grove, Chicago?
Naperville, Chicago?
405
00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:02,993
- That's what you sound like!
- Okay, it's not too late to change it.
406
00:20:03,076 --> 00:20:04,369
Good. And while you're at it,
407
00:20:04,494 --> 00:20:06,705
- I've got some other questions.
- Yeah?
408
00:20:06,788 --> 00:20:10,417
Like, okay. When Ivy told Moose
that he wasn't her best friend anymore
409
00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:12,920
and Moose said,
"You're still my best friend
410
00:20:13,003 --> 00:20:15,255
whether you like it or not..."
411
00:20:15,339 --> 00:20:17,049
- was that real?
- What do you mean?
412
00:20:17,132 --> 00:20:18,342
Like, did that really happen,
413
00:20:18,425 --> 00:20:20,802
that someone could be
someone's best friend still
414
00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:22,429
even when they're disappointed in them?
415
00:20:22,512 --> 00:20:25,474
Um, yeah, Sonny, that's real.
416
00:20:25,599 --> 00:20:29,353
Okay. And you know how Ivy
kept her dad's watch in her locker
417
00:20:29,436 --> 00:20:32,940
because even though he wasn't around
she still knew that he loved her?
418
00:20:33,023 --> 00:20:36,235
- Was that real, too?
- Well, the book is fiction.
419
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:40,072
Yeah, no, I get it, I just...
parts of it felt real, you know?
420
00:20:40,155 --> 00:20:41,406
Yeah. I know.
421
00:20:41,531 --> 00:20:44,576
It's cool that you wrote a book.
I mean, I think girls are gonna like it.
422
00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:47,329
Especially girls who, like,
don't have good self-esteem.
423
00:20:47,412 --> 00:20:49,665
- I hope so.
- So, when's the next one coming out?
424
00:20:49,748 --> 00:20:53,168
Just in case you need me to check it
for other mistakes, you know.
425
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:58,340
Well, if I get started right away,
it should be out by next fall.
426
00:20:58,423 --> 00:21:01,385
- Cool. You gotta flip it.
- Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit!
427
00:21:04,763 --> 00:21:06,890
- Jagger! Jagger!
- Shh, shh.
428
00:21:06,974 --> 00:21:08,892
Hey, hey, hey, keep it down maybe?
429
00:21:08,976 --> 00:21:11,770
Oh, my God, Dad,
is this seriously happening?
430
00:21:11,853 --> 00:21:13,730
- Why are you here?
- You knew what you were doing
431
00:21:13,814 --> 00:21:15,399
when you liked
your mother's Instagram post
432
00:21:15,482 --> 00:21:17,150
of her on the beach
with her new boyfriend.
433
00:21:17,234 --> 00:21:19,111
- What?
- It was a good picture!
434
00:21:19,194 --> 00:21:20,195
That's why we're here?
435
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:23,365
Every month,
you get five Instagram likes on my account
436
00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:25,033
and five on your mother's account.
437
00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:26,368
You heard what the judge mandated!
438
00:21:26,451 --> 00:21:28,328
Hey, man, let's just go. Okay?
People are starting to...
439
00:21:28,412 --> 00:21:29,997
- Are you BoJack Horseman?
- No.
440
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:31,290
- Yeah, you are.
- NoJack.
441
00:21:31,373 --> 00:21:34,418
Were you trying to get my attention?
'Cause you got it now, baby!
442
00:21:34,501 --> 00:21:36,712
- Dad!
- The story got picked up by TMZ!
443
00:21:36,795 --> 00:21:37,796
You're ruining my life!
444
00:21:37,879 --> 00:21:39,631
You're making me look like
a real cuck, Jagger.
445
00:21:39,715 --> 00:21:41,967
I'm getting cucked by my own daughter!
446
00:21:42,050 --> 00:21:43,969
You don't even know what that word means!
447
00:21:44,052 --> 00:21:45,304
I just want you to know,
448
00:21:45,387 --> 00:21:47,306
- I think you got a real bum deal.
- Oh, yeah?
449
00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:49,683
You got massively sandbagged
in that interview, bro.
450
00:21:49,766 --> 00:21:53,270
- You were trying to apologize.
- Thank you.
451
00:21:53,353 --> 00:21:56,815
Everything these days is all
"patriarchy" this and "male gaze" that.
452
00:21:56,898 --> 00:21:59,109
And, well, I think it's cool
you're pushing back against that.
453
00:21:59,192 --> 00:22:00,485
Well, no, I'm not pushing back.
454
00:22:00,569 --> 00:22:05,615
No, Bo, I'm saying it's cool.
You can relax here. This is a safe space.
455
00:22:05,699 --> 00:22:07,492
- Okay.
- You're embarrassing me!
456
00:22:07,576 --> 00:22:09,369
Oh, yeah? How's this for embarrassing?
457
00:22:09,453 --> 00:22:15,250
Your last spon-con post for L'Oréal?
It came off as disingenuous!
458
00:22:15,334 --> 00:22:18,503
You know I love my wide array
of L'Oréal products!
459
00:22:18,587 --> 00:22:21,506
From game days with the gals
to cram sessions at the creamery,
460
00:22:21,590 --> 00:22:24,343
L'Oréal gives me the confidence
to shine my brightest!
461
00:22:24,468 --> 00:22:26,011
Do you wanna come back to Delta House?
462
00:22:26,094 --> 00:22:28,930
I think those guys
would be super-stoked to meet you.
463
00:22:29,014 --> 00:22:31,224
- They'd be stoked?
- Super-stoked.
464
00:22:31,308 --> 00:22:32,517
All right, let's get out of here.
465
00:22:32,601 --> 00:22:35,729
My daughter sucks, which is surprising
because I did such a good job raising her.
466
00:22:35,812 --> 00:22:37,314
Let's make one more stop.
467
00:22:39,107 --> 00:22:42,611
- Hey! Looking good!
- Well, that's politics for you!
468
00:22:43,695 --> 00:22:45,864
- Hello?
- Your mother isn't feeling well.
469
00:22:45,947 --> 00:22:47,616
She's still recovering from her surgery.
470
00:22:47,699 --> 00:22:48,867
Oh.
471
00:22:48,950 --> 00:22:52,371
Does that mean you're not coming
to my refined, upscale party
472
00:22:52,454 --> 00:22:56,124
that I totally didn't just throw together
only to impress you?
473
00:22:56,208 --> 00:22:59,461
I'm sorry, uh, no.
But thank you for inviting us.
474
00:22:59,544 --> 00:23:02,964
Jorge, I'm trying to connect to her.
475
00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:05,425
I know. Please keep trying.
476
00:23:08,387 --> 00:23:12,724
I'm starting to think that smart phones
are actually making us less connected.
477
00:23:17,270 --> 00:23:20,357
And then I passed out in the pool.
Sploosh!
478
00:23:20,482 --> 00:23:23,026
Luckily, Lindsay Lohan was there
to perform CPR.
479
00:23:23,151 --> 00:23:26,238
She still credits me for being the reason
she got sober... that time.
480
00:23:26,321 --> 00:23:27,864
Wow.
481
00:23:27,948 --> 00:23:31,284
- Who's Lindsay Lohan?
- She's a celebrity from the olden days.
482
00:23:31,368 --> 00:23:33,870
Olden days? Jesus.
483
00:23:33,954 --> 00:23:35,247
Hey, look, buddy, I gotta go.
484
00:23:35,330 --> 00:23:36,706
I'm gonna walk this co-ed back
to her room.
485
00:23:36,790 --> 00:23:38,500
'Cause, you know, there's pervs out there.
486
00:23:38,583 --> 00:23:40,502
Are you serious?
You're supposed to be my sponsor.
487
00:23:40,585 --> 00:23:42,421
So, what, I gotta hang out
with you all the time?
488
00:23:42,504 --> 00:23:45,590
Relax, okay? I'll call you tomorrow,
we'll set up "Horny Unicorn."
489
00:23:45,674 --> 00:23:47,175
Enjoy your people.
490
00:23:47,759 --> 00:23:48,760
Okay.
491
00:23:49,678 --> 00:23:51,888
Hey, man. Hey! No pictures!
492
00:23:51,972 --> 00:23:53,348
- Delete that.
- Come on.
493
00:23:53,432 --> 00:23:56,518
Hey, no. You come on.
I'm not here to be your cool story later.
494
00:23:56,601 --> 00:23:58,311
Okay, sorry.
495
00:23:58,395 --> 00:23:59,688
I shouldn't be here.
496
00:24:06,611 --> 00:24:08,989
The number you are trying
to reach has been disconnected.
497
00:24:09,072 --> 00:24:10,240
Goodbye.
498
00:24:10,323 --> 00:24:11,408
What?
499
00:24:21,710 --> 00:24:22,669
Huh.