1 00:00:05,964 --> 00:00:07,841 [Diane] The series is called "Crooshin' USA." 2 00:00:07,924 --> 00:00:08,964 [man] What does that mean? 3 00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:12,470 Crooshness is hard to define, but I also don't know it when I see it. 4 00:00:12,554 --> 00:00:13,554 Oop. Pardon my reach. 5 00:00:13,596 --> 00:00:16,516 Well, I'm always trying to get more girls interested in agriculture. 6 00:00:16,599 --> 00:00:21,062 You might say I've got my eyes on them. Potato eyes, that is. 7 00:00:21,146 --> 00:00:22,146 - Guy? - [Guy] Mm-hmm. 8 00:00:22,272 --> 00:00:26,735 Hey, girls! It's Diane, outside Idaho's largest potato supplier, 9 00:00:26,818 --> 00:00:28,236 - Starch Farms. - Hello! 10 00:00:28,319 --> 00:00:29,319 Let me get this straight. 11 00:00:29,362 --> 00:00:33,283 Your farm harvests five types of potatoes, two types of onions, 12 00:00:33,366 --> 00:00:35,869 and is also a front for a local sex trafficking ring? 13 00:00:35,952 --> 00:00:38,997 - [gasps] - How'd you get started in sex trafficking? 14 00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:41,499 Uh... 15 00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:44,002 [panting] 16 00:00:44,085 --> 00:00:46,004 I don't think I'm getting that microphone back. 17 00:00:47,005 --> 00:00:49,632 This is the second straight year this Michigan resort's food 18 00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:52,135 has tested positive for avian botulism. 19 00:00:52,218 --> 00:00:53,428 Wow, two years in a row. 20 00:00:53,511 --> 00:00:55,638 It's like the Tom Hanks of poisoning people. 21 00:00:55,722 --> 00:00:57,515 They said the jewelry is safe for humans now, 22 00:00:57,599 --> 00:01:00,560 but I've been wearing this for a week, and... 23 00:01:00,643 --> 00:01:01,643 [groans] 24 00:01:01,853 --> 00:01:03,998 Can we get more B-roll so we have something to cut away to 25 00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:05,315 when I have to scratch my nose? 26 00:01:05,398 --> 00:01:08,151 I thought scratching your nose was your way of saying hello to me. 27 00:01:09,486 --> 00:01:12,655 Don't you find it a little convenient that the mayor has yet to restore 28 00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:14,175 clean drinking water to this part of... 29 00:01:14,199 --> 00:01:18,244 No, it's quite inconvenient. You think this is convenient? 30 00:01:18,453 --> 00:01:21,831 The East Side is a lower-income area, ergo the residents 31 00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:24,042 are not huge campaign donors, ergo... 32 00:01:24,125 --> 00:01:26,711 No, the mayor didn't target that neighborhood, 33 00:01:26,795 --> 00:01:29,255 he was just that stupid when it came to water filtration. 34 00:01:29,339 --> 00:01:32,175 He was just stupid enough to think he wouldn't get caught, ergo... 35 00:01:32,258 --> 00:01:34,719 Say "ergo" one more time. 36 00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:36,679 - Ergo. - Nah. 37 00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:38,123 - No, no, no, no. - [Diane giggles] 38 00:01:38,306 --> 00:01:39,224 This is Diane Nguyen... 39 00:01:39,307 --> 00:01:40,493 This is Diane... This is Di... 40 00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:43,061 This is Diane Nguyen, and that's the Croosh! 41 00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:45,122 - [Guy mumbles] Let me see. - Did you hear 42 00:01:45,146 --> 00:01:46,356 about Philip Morris Disney Fox 43 00:01:46,439 --> 00:01:50,401 AT&T AOL Time Warner PepsiCo Haliburton Skynet Toyota Trader Joe's? 44 00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:52,463 - What about them? - They got acquired by Whitewhale. 45 00:01:52,487 --> 00:01:55,406 Oh, shit. Well, how many companies are there now? 46 00:01:55,490 --> 00:01:56,825 Four? [gasps] 47 00:01:56,908 --> 00:01:58,535 - What is it? - I'm sorry, Diane. 48 00:01:58,618 --> 00:02:01,079 Look, I asked for two beds, I swear. 49 00:02:01,162 --> 00:02:04,707 - Huh. - I mean, this is unprofessional. One bed! 50 00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:06,668 What are we supposed to do with just one bed? 51 00:02:06,751 --> 00:02:08,128 Quite a pickle. 52 00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:11,381 I should march right back down to that front desk and tell them... 53 00:02:11,464 --> 00:02:13,133 [both moaning] 54 00:02:13,216 --> 00:02:16,553 Thank you... [chuckles] for helping me with my one bed bit. 55 00:02:16,636 --> 00:02:18,471 - [both moan] - It's a good bit. 56 00:02:18,555 --> 00:02:20,557 [theme music playing] 57 00:03:14,068 --> 00:03:15,820 [BoJack's voice] Dear Diane, hello. 58 00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:17,363 - [Guy snores] - This is a letter. 59 00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:19,782 Rehab is making me write a letter to a friend 60 00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:21,868 because I guess letter writing is therapeutic? 61 00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:24,245 I hear it did wonders for the Zodiac killer. 62 00:03:24,579 --> 00:03:28,541 Anyway, rehab's going fine. A lot of hikes and movie nights and yoga 63 00:03:28,958 --> 00:03:31,461 and I think next week we're doing a color war. 64 00:03:32,503 --> 00:03:35,173 And it's good that I'm here, and it's good that I'm not drinking 65 00:03:35,256 --> 00:03:38,218 or taking pills, but I keep thinking about how this isn't real life. 66 00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:42,597 It's summer camp. Temporary. Easy. 67 00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:46,517 As nice as this is, I know that someday I'll have to go back to the real world. 68 00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:48,811 Hey, Lady, listen, can you put him on the phone, please? 69 00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:52,523 I don't care if he doesn't wanna talk to me. I'm his father. No, Lady... 70 00:03:52,607 --> 00:03:53,608 [Guy groans angrily] 71 00:03:53,691 --> 00:03:55,252 [BoJack's voice] Anyway, that's my letter. 72 00:03:55,276 --> 00:03:58,863 I probably won't even send it, but if you're reading this, I guess I did? 73 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:00,907 Your friend, BoJack. 74 00:04:01,699 --> 00:04:03,534 P.S. Horseman. 75 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,498 I'm only in Chicago for a week. 76 00:04:08,581 --> 00:04:11,125 I don't think it's selfish to wanna see my son. 77 00:04:11,209 --> 00:04:13,127 Yeah, but you gotta give your ex notice. 78 00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:14,504 Whose side are you on? 79 00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:16,714 Uh... Hey, look out the window. 80 00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:18,633 [Guy] Wow, there she is! 81 00:04:18,716 --> 00:04:21,594 The second windy, muddy, big-shoulders city by the lake. 82 00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:24,931 Look! Willis Tower. Oh, and look, the new Whitewhale building! 83 00:04:25,014 --> 00:04:28,059 You cannot be excited about a giant corporation like Whitewhale 84 00:04:28,142 --> 00:04:29,644 setting up shop in your hometown. 85 00:04:29,727 --> 00:04:31,407 I'm just excited we got a new big building. 86 00:04:31,562 --> 00:04:34,190 - In your face, Dubai. - [chuckles] 87 00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:37,402 [man gasps and pants] 88 00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:40,488 - Hmm... - Ah... 89 00:04:40,571 --> 00:04:42,198 - Not bad. - It's because the bread 90 00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:44,033 is made from lake water and lard. 91 00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:46,477 - [phone buzzes] - From New York Times, I'm Michael Barbaro. 92 00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:48,288 Today, your phone is ringing. 93 00:04:48,371 --> 00:04:53,751 Here's what you need to know about people who still use their phone to call people. 94 00:04:53,835 --> 00:04:54,835 Hey, Stefani. 95 00:04:54,877 --> 00:04:55,712 Hey, girl! 96 00:04:55,795 --> 00:04:57,839 - No, no, it's Guy. - [Stefani] Hey, Guy! 97 00:04:57,922 --> 00:05:01,009 I got you on speaker. Diane's eating the best sandwich of her life. 98 00:05:01,092 --> 00:05:02,427 - It's okay. - [Stefani exhales] 99 00:05:02,510 --> 00:05:05,221 Diane, I love that you still eat sandwiches. 100 00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:08,433 Flaws like that are what make you relatable to regular women. 101 00:05:08,516 --> 00:05:09,809 - [gulps] What? - Meanwhile, 102 00:05:09,892 --> 00:05:13,646 I am adoring your cross-country exposition of the ugly underbelly 103 00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:15,023 of American capitalism. 104 00:05:15,106 --> 00:05:16,106 So croosh. 105 00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:19,235 But I wonder if you could make room in the rotation 106 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,362 for a few feel-good stories? 107 00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:23,323 Stefani, our videos are making a difference. 108 00:05:23,406 --> 00:05:25,575 Yeah, a difference in how bummed I am. 109 00:05:26,034 --> 00:05:28,119 There's gotta be some good news out there. 110 00:05:28,202 --> 00:05:29,954 - [sighs] - We'll see what we can do! 111 00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:32,540 - Why'd you say yes? - We can do feel-good stories. 112 00:05:32,623 --> 00:05:34,393 What about that girl who opened up a lemonade stand 113 00:05:34,417 --> 00:05:35,853 to pay for her dad's cancer treatment? 114 00:05:35,877 --> 00:05:37,420 How is that a feel-good story? 115 00:05:37,503 --> 00:05:40,673 "Hey, America! We're the only developed nation without subsidized healthcare, 116 00:05:40,757 --> 00:05:43,217 so this child joined the workforce in a desperate bid 117 00:05:43,301 --> 00:05:44,469 to keep her father alive!" 118 00:05:44,552 --> 00:05:45,720 Okay. How 'bout this? 119 00:05:45,803 --> 00:05:47,972 Local cameraman has a pretty good thing going, 120 00:05:48,056 --> 00:05:49,816 where he gets to travel all over the country, 121 00:05:49,891 --> 00:05:53,227 and fool around in hotel rooms with his beautiful, smart, feisty producer... 122 00:05:53,519 --> 00:05:56,189 and he's pretty sure this passionate, intelligent, 123 00:05:56,272 --> 00:05:58,149 warrior for truth likes it, too, 124 00:05:58,316 --> 00:06:00,919 so maybe these two knuckleheads should swallow their pride for a second 125 00:06:00,943 --> 00:06:02,737 and make some feel-good videos. 126 00:06:09,577 --> 00:06:10,495 Hey, girls. 127 00:06:10,578 --> 00:06:11,496 - Hey, Diane. - Hey. 128 00:06:11,579 --> 00:06:14,082 Tell me about the Every Animal Girl Company. 129 00:06:14,165 --> 00:06:16,751 We are two best friends who got tired of seeing dolls 130 00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:19,420 promoting unrealistic beauty standards. 131 00:06:19,504 --> 00:06:20,421 Take Ginny here. 132 00:06:20,505 --> 00:06:23,383 Most giraffe dolls have necks one inch shorter by scale 133 00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:24,651 than the average girl giraffe. 134 00:06:24,675 --> 00:06:25,676 Not our Ginny. 135 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:30,014 Her neck is long and proud, for all our necky gals out there. 136 00:06:30,098 --> 00:06:31,974 As a necky gal, I love that. 137 00:06:32,058 --> 00:06:34,936 And is it true that all your dolls are made out of recycled material? 138 00:06:35,019 --> 00:06:36,604 - Uh... No. - Yes! 139 00:06:36,687 --> 00:06:38,523 - Sorry? - Well, traditionally... 140 00:06:38,606 --> 00:06:41,234 - [overlapping dialogue] - The first batch, um... 141 00:06:41,692 --> 00:06:44,028 The important thing is we're two best friends. 142 00:06:44,112 --> 00:06:45,279 Okay, what's going on? 143 00:06:45,363 --> 00:06:47,240 Uh... [giggles nervously] 144 00:06:47,323 --> 00:06:50,368 Okay. We are excited to announce that as of today, 145 00:06:50,451 --> 00:06:54,288 the Every Animal Girl Company has been purchased by Toys Galore, 146 00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:57,125 a subsidiary of Whitewhale Consolidated Interests. 147 00:06:57,208 --> 00:06:59,794 Yay! Toys Galore! 148 00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:01,587 - Uh... - Huh? 149 00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:03,005 "Yay..." 150 00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:06,884 A small, independent start-up bought out by a huge conglomerate. 151 00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:09,929 It must be so empowering to see your success grow. 152 00:07:10,012 --> 00:07:13,975 What a happy story for two best friends. Now, about the recycled materials? 153 00:07:14,058 --> 00:07:17,687 Well, it's unclear what role recycling will play in the future of this company. 154 00:07:17,770 --> 00:07:20,982 Right now, we're mainly focused on empowering young girls, 155 00:07:21,065 --> 00:07:24,318 and closing the main Chicago factory so we can relocate overseas 156 00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:25,611 for cheaper labor. 157 00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:26,988 Right before the holidays! 158 00:07:27,071 --> 00:07:29,031 [clears throat] Feel-good. 159 00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:32,743 [strained] What an exciting, empowering time for you! 160 00:07:32,827 --> 00:07:34,412 I know. 161 00:07:35,621 --> 00:07:37,808 You think you can edit that down into something feel-goody? 162 00:07:37,832 --> 00:07:39,959 For sure. It'll have to go up late, though, 163 00:07:40,042 --> 00:07:42,545 because I'm having some friends over to watch the game tonight. 164 00:07:42,628 --> 00:07:44,297 God, I'm freezing. 165 00:07:45,631 --> 00:07:47,550 - Aw. - So, you, uh... 166 00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:50,673 - You wanna watch the game with us? - Are you asking me to meet your friends? 167 00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:53,431 No, I just figure, since you're staying with me anyway... 168 00:07:53,514 --> 00:07:56,684 I would be delighted. Wait, it's not the Chicago Baby Humans game, is it? 169 00:07:56,767 --> 00:07:57,767 It's just a mascot. 170 00:07:58,227 --> 00:08:01,772 [reporter] And there goes Waa-Waa, the Baby Human, stumbling around 171 00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:04,108 like the furless featherless dolt he is. 172 00:08:04,192 --> 00:08:07,904 What's he got there? Don't drink that poison, you crazy human! 173 00:08:07,987 --> 00:08:10,990 - We don't drink poison. - Diane, he's not a literal human. 174 00:08:11,073 --> 00:08:13,826 Waa-Waa is a tribute to your proud human heritage. 175 00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:16,204 - I'm very flattered. - Anyway, meet the gang. 176 00:08:16,287 --> 00:08:18,748 Everyone, this is Diane. My, um... 177 00:08:18,831 --> 00:08:21,125 Ah... You know, my... The woman that I work with. 178 00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:22,502 - [all] Hi. - [man] 'Sup, dude? 179 00:08:24,086 --> 00:08:25,463 - Hmm... - You okay? 180 00:08:25,546 --> 00:08:27,924 Yeah. Sorry, just... I'll be right back. 181 00:08:28,466 --> 00:08:30,968 [doorbell rings] 182 00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:40,061 [sighs] 183 00:08:40,144 --> 00:08:42,063 - Diane, I'm really sorry, but... - It's fine. 184 00:08:42,146 --> 00:08:44,082 I wasn't expecting, ya know, in front of your friends. 185 00:08:44,106 --> 00:08:45,959 - He just showed up. - We haven't put a label on us. 186 00:08:45,983 --> 00:08:47,920 - I'm not looking for... - The speech and debate tournament 187 00:08:47,944 --> 00:08:50,797 - was canceled on account of cyberbullying. - Wait, what are you talking about? 188 00:08:50,821 --> 00:08:52,907 - My son is here. He surprised me. - Oh, shit. 189 00:08:52,990 --> 00:08:56,244 I usually don't bring women around my kid unless it's serious. 190 00:08:56,327 --> 00:08:57,721 - I get it. - Do you mind staying at a hotel? 191 00:08:57,745 --> 00:08:59,848 - Oh, yeah. Totally. - He'll be gone first thing tomorrow. 192 00:08:59,872 --> 00:09:01,517 What if he sees me go out? Is the coast clear? 193 00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:03,584 - You should maybe go out the window. - [grunts] 194 00:09:03,668 --> 00:09:05,670 This makes sense. But what about my stuff? 195 00:09:05,753 --> 00:09:07,147 I'll pack your bag and throw it out to you. 196 00:09:07,171 --> 00:09:09,507 Okay, good. Bye. Thank you for inviting me to your party. 197 00:09:09,590 --> 00:09:10,590 You have a lovely home. 198 00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:14,554 [BoJack's voice] Dear Diane, hello. I am writing you another letter. 199 00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:18,641 Today sucks. There's this new lady here, Beverly, and she took my snack kit. 200 00:09:18,724 --> 00:09:22,770 And that is so classic Beverly. Probably. I just met her. 201 00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:25,731 The whole point of the snack kits is they're communal, right? 202 00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:27,960 They're these bags full of snacks that we take on our morning hikes, 203 00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:31,612 and we put them together the night before, as like a team-building thing. 204 00:09:32,697 --> 00:09:36,033 Yesterday, I decided to throw an extra bag of candied nuts into a snack kit, 205 00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:37,285 something just for me. 206 00:09:37,368 --> 00:09:38,554 And I marked my bag with a "B" 207 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,013 so I'd know which one to grab in the morning. 208 00:09:40,037 --> 00:09:40,955 "B" for "BoJack." 209 00:09:41,038 --> 00:09:42,808 - [groans angrily] - But then today, I see Beverly, 210 00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:45,167 who, again, just got here, waltzing around the house 211 00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:49,005 with my snack kit, saying, "Oh, somebody made a special kit just for me! 212 00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:52,592 B for Beverly! I must have a secret admirer!" 213 00:09:52,675 --> 00:09:54,343 Again, just got here! 214 00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:55,827 - [shivering] - The story of my life 215 00:09:55,886 --> 00:09:57,388 is that I never get anything nice. 216 00:09:57,471 --> 00:09:59,849 You'd think that I'd learn to adjust my expectations by now. 217 00:09:59,932 --> 00:10:01,517 But, no. Once again, 218 00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:04,604 I was the idiot who got my hopes up about candied nuts 219 00:10:04,687 --> 00:10:08,983 and now I am disappointed with no one to blame but myself. 220 00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:11,736 - [sighs] - Anyway, what's new with you? 221 00:10:11,819 --> 00:10:14,614 [scoffs] Just kidding, you can't say anything, this is a letter! 222 00:10:14,697 --> 00:10:17,116 Okay, talk soon. BoJack. 223 00:10:22,496 --> 00:10:24,165 - [crickets chirping] - [phone buzzes] 224 00:10:24,248 --> 00:10:26,125 From New York Times, I'm Michael Barbaro. 225 00:10:26,208 --> 00:10:27,251 Today, your... 226 00:10:27,335 --> 00:10:29,795 - Hello? - [Stefani] Diane, your last video... 227 00:10:29,879 --> 00:10:32,340 Okay, I know it wasn't as feel-good as maybe you wanted... 228 00:10:32,423 --> 00:10:34,008 Are you kidding? I feel great! 229 00:10:34,091 --> 00:10:36,194 You made a big impression with the guys at Whitewhale. 230 00:10:36,218 --> 00:10:39,722 - Really? - I'll say. They bought Girl Croosh! 231 00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:42,516 - What? - Well, technically they bought Fuddruckers 232 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:46,479 and merged it with Dow Chemical to create a new media venture called Spronk! 233 00:10:46,562 --> 00:10:48,522 - [Diane] Hold on... - Spronk acquired Univision, 234 00:10:48,606 --> 00:10:51,692 which will incorporate Girl Croosh into the Gizmodo-branded mist 235 00:10:51,776 --> 00:10:52,943 of advertorial. 236 00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:55,404 - That's terrible! - Not for me! I'm gonna be rich! 237 00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:58,324 - You already are rich! - Oh, yeah! [giggles] 238 00:10:58,407 --> 00:11:02,203 Oops. Well, anyway, good luck with Spronk, which is currently rebranding 239 00:11:02,286 --> 00:11:03,329 as Content Spew. 240 00:11:03,412 --> 00:11:06,415 So spew that content, girl! [giggles] Bye! 241 00:11:08,417 --> 00:11:10,211 Oh, "spronk" me. 242 00:11:13,214 --> 00:11:14,340 [sputters] 243 00:11:14,423 --> 00:11:16,926 Pardon our dust while we finish construction. 244 00:11:17,301 --> 00:11:20,596 Can I get you a Pepsi Cola? Or anything else from the vast Whitewhale 245 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,932 agglomeration of fine beverages? [sputters] 246 00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:25,434 Uh, I think we're good. 247 00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:27,352 Hmm. 248 00:11:27,853 --> 00:11:28,854 [beep] 249 00:11:29,313 --> 00:11:32,274 - I'm sorry about last night. - It's fine. Let's just watch the movie. 250 00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:35,528 Welcome! Here at Whitewhale Consolidated Interests, 251 00:11:35,611 --> 00:11:39,907 we do it all through the free-market magic of the Whitewhale Way! 252 00:11:40,324 --> 00:11:42,410 [both] That's right, Mr. Whitewhale! 253 00:11:42,493 --> 00:11:44,578 Who? Why? Where? Whence forth are you two, 254 00:11:44,662 --> 00:11:49,417 and how did you manifest in my office? Be gone, ghastly ghouls! 255 00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:53,129 [giggles] We're no spooky specters! My name's Vert! 256 00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:54,755 Vertical Integration! 257 00:11:54,839 --> 00:11:57,174 And I'm Ollie, the Oligopoly. 258 00:11:57,258 --> 00:12:01,846 You summoned us here to tell your new employees about the Whitewhale Way! 259 00:12:01,929 --> 00:12:05,933 Well, best be quick about it, you unholy apparitions. 260 00:12:06,016 --> 00:12:09,478 The Whitewhale Way was developed by Ezekiel Whitewhale, 261 00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:14,483 who started small with a modest petroleum refinery he inherited from his father. 262 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:17,486 [Ollie] One day he looked around and said, 263 00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:18,570 "Wait one minute! 264 00:12:18,612 --> 00:12:22,116 While I'm refining this oil, someone else is getting rich drilling it, 265 00:12:22,199 --> 00:12:25,578 and another someone's sellin' it to the common commuter!" 266 00:12:25,661 --> 00:12:28,622 So, he bought his own rig and opened a chain of gas stations. 267 00:12:28,706 --> 00:12:32,001 By controlling both the means of production and the delivery system, 268 00:12:32,084 --> 00:12:35,629 Ezekiel cornered the market, and choked out the competition 269 00:12:35,713 --> 00:12:38,299 until they had no choice but to sell to him, too! 270 00:12:38,382 --> 00:12:41,343 And that's vertical integration! [burps] 271 00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:43,262 [giggles] Pardon me. 272 00:12:43,345 --> 00:12:45,931 F-f-f-f-fast forward to the 1980s, 273 00:12:46,015 --> 00:12:49,435 when Jeremiah took our company to the next level. 274 00:12:49,518 --> 00:12:52,855 [Vert] He bought a telephone company, a sports team, and when he didn't like 275 00:12:52,938 --> 00:12:54,899 the way the newspapers were talking about him, 276 00:12:54,982 --> 00:12:56,793 - he bought his own newspaper! - [Ollie chomps] 277 00:12:56,817 --> 00:13:01,739 Well, I must have been a hungry whale because I just kept gobbling up companies. 278 00:13:01,822 --> 00:13:05,534 Fast forward to today, and it looks like I gobbled up you! 279 00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:08,537 - [chuckles] - Are we supposed to be charmed by this? 280 00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:15,336 Welcome to the Whitewhale family. Everywhere you are, that's where we'll be. 281 00:13:17,129 --> 00:13:19,131 Here's a list of your new sister companies. 282 00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:22,802 Please be mindful of them as you spew your content. [sputters] 283 00:13:25,429 --> 00:13:27,932 So we can't make videos about any of these subsidiaries? 284 00:13:28,015 --> 00:13:31,435 Monsanto, JP Morgan Chase, Marie Osmond? 285 00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:34,230 Oh! There it is, the Every Animal Girl Company. 286 00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:37,608 You don't really think Whitewhale bought Girl Croosh just to kill our video? 287 00:13:37,691 --> 00:13:40,086 And you couldn't just tell a feel-good story about two friends 288 00:13:40,110 --> 00:13:41,278 who started a business. 289 00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:42,905 Maybe this is for the best. 290 00:13:42,988 --> 00:13:45,699 You can get a new job in Chicago, spend more time with your kid. 291 00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:47,159 Yeah, and you can go back to LA, 292 00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:49,262 where you won't have to borrow my coat all the time. 293 00:13:49,286 --> 00:13:50,806 - [giggles] - Didn't you wanna write another book? 294 00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,933 I have this book of essays I've been brewing in my head. 295 00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:55,477 It's called, "One Last Thing and Then I Swear to God I'll Shut Up 296 00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:58,546 About This Forever: Dispatches from the Frontlines of the War on Women: 297 00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:01,549 Arguments, Opinions, Reflections, Recollections, The Razor Tax..." 298 00:14:01,632 --> 00:14:02,550 Is this still the title? 299 00:14:02,633 --> 00:14:04,945 I kind of got lost in the middle and couldn't find a way out. 300 00:14:04,969 --> 00:14:06,136 No, no, it's good, 301 00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:08,490 I just think you want to save some of it for the inside of the book. 302 00:14:08,514 --> 00:14:11,809 [sighs] I guess that's it for us, though, right? 303 00:14:11,892 --> 00:14:16,772 - I guess so. Unless it isn't it for us? - What do you mean? 304 00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:19,608 What if we did one more video about anything we wanted 305 00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:23,070 and posted it on the website before they realize we still have all the passwords? 306 00:14:23,153 --> 00:14:26,824 - We could do a story about Whitewhale. - Oh, yeah! 307 00:14:26,907 --> 00:14:28,826 Now, there's a feel-good story. 308 00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:32,955 Me feeling good about takin' those assholes down! 309 00:14:42,047 --> 00:14:45,718 Diane, this is Isabel, star reporter at The Tribune. 310 00:14:45,801 --> 00:14:47,595 She's been hunting Whitewhale for years. 311 00:14:47,761 --> 00:14:52,141 - Call me... Isabel. - Okay. 312 00:14:52,308 --> 00:14:54,435 All my days, the beast has haunted me. 313 00:14:54,518 --> 00:14:57,104 The hunt consumes my every waking moment. 314 00:14:57,354 --> 00:15:00,024 You might even say Whitewhale is my... 315 00:15:01,483 --> 00:15:03,152 green light at the end of the dock. 316 00:15:03,694 --> 00:15:06,196 - What? - That's a Gatsby reference. Read a book. 317 00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:07,364 Isabel, be nice. 318 00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:10,326 I wish I had the energy, but my obsession has ruined me. 319 00:15:10,409 --> 00:15:14,788 Destroyed my relationships, obliterated my career. And for nothing. 320 00:15:14,872 --> 00:15:18,459 I had one contact on the warehouse floor, Matt Minnowman. 321 00:15:18,542 --> 00:15:20,127 - Hmm. - Then he disappeared. 322 00:15:20,210 --> 00:15:22,463 - Maybe there's your story. - Not your story? 323 00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:26,675 Mm. My editor thought I was getting "too invested" in the Whitewhale beat, 324 00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:28,677 so he moved me to the Holiday Gift Guide desk. 325 00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:32,306 Now the search for the season's hot toy torments my waking days. 326 00:15:32,389 --> 00:15:37,269 Are spirographs the new fidget spinners? The answer eludes me at every turn. 327 00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:42,953 [Diane] I can't believe it. We got a lead. 328 00:15:43,525 --> 00:15:45,361 Hey, do you wanna walk back to my place? 329 00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:48,822 Are you kidding? It's so cold. How is it snowing in October? 330 00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:52,701 There are basically two seasons here: bitter winter, unbearable humidity. 331 00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:54,828 - You'll learn to love it. - [giggles] 332 00:15:55,287 --> 00:15:56,431 - [Diane gasping] - [both giggling] 333 00:15:56,455 --> 00:15:59,041 [BoJack's voice] Dear Diane, I'm sure you are dying to know 334 00:15:59,124 --> 00:16:01,669 how this Beverly secret admirer situation is going, 335 00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:03,796 - so I'll cut right to the chase. - [Guy] Oh! 336 00:16:03,879 --> 00:16:07,383 I started writing "BH" on my snack kits to clear up any confusion 337 00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:08,786 about who the extra nuts are for. 338 00:16:10,094 --> 00:16:13,889 But now Beverly thinks "BH" stands for "Beverly, here-ya-go." 339 00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:16,642 "Beverly here ya go"? Why would the "H" stand for... 340 00:16:16,725 --> 00:16:19,061 - [Guy and Diane moan] - You know what? Doesn't matter. 341 00:16:19,144 --> 00:16:21,939 The dumbest part is that Beverly doesn't even eat candied nuts. 342 00:16:22,022 --> 00:16:23,382 - [Diane moaning] - She's allergic. 343 00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:24,775 So she usually just ends up 344 00:16:24,858 --> 00:16:26,211 - giving her nuts to me. - [Guy snores] 345 00:16:26,235 --> 00:16:28,315 Doctor Champ would probably say that means something. 346 00:16:28,696 --> 00:16:32,056 That the universe has a way of looking out for us if we just stop fighting it, but... 347 00:16:32,282 --> 00:16:33,617 I don't know. 348 00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:36,078 Anyway, I guess it's working. 349 00:16:36,704 --> 00:16:39,999 Hope things are working for you, too. BoJack. 350 00:16:40,082 --> 00:16:41,834 [keyboard clacking] 351 00:16:43,293 --> 00:16:44,128 Were you up all night? 352 00:16:44,211 --> 00:16:46,088 I was following up on this Matt Minnowman. 353 00:16:46,171 --> 00:16:48,841 Turns out there was an "accident" at the warehouse. 354 00:16:48,924 --> 00:16:50,718 - What? - He stayed late to finish some work. 355 00:16:50,801 --> 00:16:52,821 "Look at me, I'm just doing some work. It's no big deal." 356 00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,388 Next morning, they found him dead. 357 00:16:54,471 --> 00:16:55,514 Oh, shit. 358 00:16:55,597 --> 00:16:58,434 This guy was trying to get the word out about working conditions, 359 00:16:58,517 --> 00:17:00,936 and then he died in the warehouse. 360 00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:03,147 I got the names of some coworkers, let's get our hands 361 00:17:03,230 --> 00:17:04,231 on the security footage. 362 00:17:04,314 --> 00:17:06,233 Did you know your cereal was made by Whitewhale? 363 00:17:06,316 --> 00:17:07,356 I threw it out to be safe. 364 00:17:07,401 --> 00:17:09,587 Microchips... Oh, my God, you're looking at me like I'm crazy. 365 00:17:09,611 --> 00:17:12,114 You think I'm obsessed. Am I totally scaring you off right now? 366 00:17:12,197 --> 00:17:14,074 No. You're glowing. 367 00:17:14,491 --> 00:17:15,743 Hmm. 368 00:17:16,535 --> 00:17:18,370 [keyboard clacking] 369 00:17:19,955 --> 00:17:21,915 We were working 17-hour days. 370 00:17:21,999 --> 00:17:24,918 We were spread thinner than a shitty New York slice of pizza 371 00:17:25,002 --> 00:17:27,087 and working harder than the '96 Bulls. 372 00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:30,674 [Guy] Okay, so Matt's stationed here... 373 00:17:30,758 --> 00:17:33,635 So, what, he walked to the other side of the room just to die? 374 00:17:33,969 --> 00:17:35,249 That's where he died, all right. 375 00:17:35,304 --> 00:17:37,598 Management left his body out there on the floor. 376 00:17:37,681 --> 00:17:40,309 Almost like it was a warning to the other workers. 377 00:17:40,476 --> 00:17:41,643 Wow. 378 00:17:42,102 --> 00:17:44,581 I just don't think you can attribute it to intentional cruelty. 379 00:17:44,605 --> 00:17:46,315 - It's callousness. - Can't it be both? 380 00:17:46,398 --> 00:17:48,442 Whitewhale's not evil. They're just capitalists. 381 00:17:48,525 --> 00:17:49,860 What's the difference? 382 00:17:49,943 --> 00:17:52,279 From New York Times, I'm Michael Barbaro. Today... 383 00:17:52,362 --> 00:17:54,907 - Hello? - Mister Whitewhale would like to meet you 384 00:17:54,990 --> 00:17:57,785 at the Chicago Whitewhale building tomorrow at 2:00. 385 00:17:57,868 --> 00:17:59,828 Bring your camera. [sputters] 386 00:18:00,287 --> 00:18:04,166 Oh, shit. If they know what we're doing, why would they wanna talk to us? 387 00:18:04,249 --> 00:18:05,417 I guess we'll find out. 388 00:18:05,709 --> 00:18:07,669 I'm kind of weirdly excited. 389 00:18:07,878 --> 00:18:10,923 - Hey. I got you something. - What? Shut up! 390 00:18:12,299 --> 00:18:13,467 - Huh. - Ah. 391 00:18:13,550 --> 00:18:15,219 - You don't like it. - No, I love it. 392 00:18:15,302 --> 00:18:18,472 It's just I won't get much use out of a coat like this in LA. 393 00:18:18,806 --> 00:18:19,681 No. It's for here. 394 00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:22,226 Is this your way of asking me to move to Chicago? 395 00:18:22,309 --> 00:18:27,064 No. [chuckles] Not everything is some kind of secret underhanded conspiracy. 396 00:18:27,147 --> 00:18:29,817 - Sometimes a coat's just a coat. - Okay. 397 00:18:29,983 --> 00:18:32,861 But I also don't know why it's so obvious that you go back to LA. 398 00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:35,030 - I live there. - But there's nothing for you there. 399 00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:35,989 Excuse me? 400 00:18:36,073 --> 00:18:38,867 I just don't understand why you're so into punishing yourself. 401 00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:39,785 I am not... 402 00:18:39,868 --> 00:18:42,621 And it's not just yourself, because every time you get cold, 403 00:18:42,704 --> 00:18:46,208 - guess who has to give you his coat. - Oh, sorry, does that inconvenience you? 404 00:18:46,291 --> 00:18:49,253 No. [sighs] I just don't know why I should suffer 405 00:18:49,336 --> 00:18:51,922 because you have this ideological objection to feeling good. 406 00:18:52,005 --> 00:18:54,591 Are you... I would love to feel good. 407 00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:57,344 What a luxury. How nice for you that you can do that 408 00:18:57,427 --> 00:18:58,929 while the world burns around you. 409 00:18:59,012 --> 00:19:01,682 This is not even about the world, this is about you and me. 410 00:19:01,765 --> 00:19:03,350 "You and me"? What's "you and me"? 411 00:19:03,433 --> 00:19:05,394 - Don't... - No, no, tell me, Guy, please, 412 00:19:05,477 --> 00:19:08,188 because I would love some clarification. Am I your girlfriend? 413 00:19:08,272 --> 00:19:11,733 Am I the, um, "you know, woman that I work with"? 414 00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:13,819 - Come on, Diane. - What is this? 415 00:19:13,902 --> 00:19:17,573 I... Just take the coat. 416 00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:20,325 I think I should go back to the hotel. 417 00:19:21,368 --> 00:19:22,661 [sighs] 418 00:19:33,088 --> 00:19:34,423 [Diane shudders] 419 00:19:36,425 --> 00:19:37,926 [birds chirping] 420 00:19:43,098 --> 00:19:44,266 I didn't know if you'd come. 421 00:19:44,349 --> 00:19:48,520 Well, we got a job to do, right? Could get chilly up there. 422 00:19:51,982 --> 00:19:54,526 I don't know what kind of video you're putting together, 423 00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:57,321 but I wanted to let you know I don't mind. 424 00:19:57,404 --> 00:19:58,739 You're not gonna stop us. 425 00:19:58,822 --> 00:20:01,241 I don't want to stop you, I just said that. 426 00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:05,162 See, when you put out stories about us being "evil" or "callous" 427 00:20:05,245 --> 00:20:07,831 or whoever the bad guy in Harry Potter is, 428 00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:12,920 people think our business is uncompromised by morality and our stock goes up. 429 00:20:13,086 --> 00:20:16,715 So, it doesn't bother your shareholders that one of your employees died 430 00:20:16,798 --> 00:20:18,258 in a work-related accident? 431 00:20:18,425 --> 00:20:20,886 - What accident? - Matt Minnowman's body was found 432 00:20:20,969 --> 00:20:22,137 in your warehouse. 433 00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:25,724 Oh, him, sure! But that was no accident. I killed him. 434 00:20:25,807 --> 00:20:27,351 - What? - I murdered him! 435 00:20:27,434 --> 00:20:28,977 Like "murdered" murdered him? 436 00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:31,480 Well, I didn't murder of crows him. 437 00:20:31,563 --> 00:20:34,733 He took too many bathroom breaks and encouraged the other employees 438 00:20:34,816 --> 00:20:36,485 to take bathroom breaks as well. 439 00:20:36,568 --> 00:20:40,072 And you're not worried it's going to get out that you killed an employee? 440 00:20:40,155 --> 00:20:42,532 Like in the video we're shooting right now? 441 00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:46,954 Didn't you hear? Congress just passed a bill legalizing murder if you're rich. 442 00:20:47,037 --> 00:20:49,915 - No, they didn't... Oh, my God, they did! - What? 443 00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:52,518 Hold on. Just because it passed the House doesn't mean the Senate will... 444 00:20:52,542 --> 00:20:53,543 Really, Diane? 445 00:20:53,627 --> 00:20:55,146 Okay, but the president could still veto... 446 00:20:55,170 --> 00:20:56,338 Really, Diane? 447 00:20:56,421 --> 00:20:58,590 All right, sure, but the Supreme Court. Okay, I get it. 448 00:20:58,674 --> 00:21:00,550 Look, don't take it so hard. 449 00:21:00,634 --> 00:21:05,305 If you wanna do something about it, just make a billion dollars and murder me! 450 00:21:05,389 --> 00:21:06,932 [both cackle] 451 00:21:07,015 --> 00:21:10,936 Barbara, let's make sure they get a nice Whitewhale Company gift bag 452 00:21:11,019 --> 00:21:13,230 - on their way out. - [sputters] 453 00:21:16,358 --> 00:21:19,194 Well, we can still post the video. 454 00:21:20,153 --> 00:21:21,321 Why? 455 00:21:22,114 --> 00:21:26,743 Yeah, right, well, um, safe travels. It's been real. 456 00:21:27,244 --> 00:21:29,663 Yeah. It's been real. 457 00:21:33,041 --> 00:21:35,601 I'm not gonna beg you to stay, if that's what you're waiting for. 458 00:21:35,627 --> 00:21:36,729 I'm not waiting for anything. 459 00:21:36,753 --> 00:21:40,882 I'm not that guy who says, "Diane, please don't go, I'm in love with you. 460 00:21:40,966 --> 00:21:43,176 Stay here in Chicago and write your book of essays 461 00:21:43,260 --> 00:21:44,886 and come with me to baseball games. 462 00:21:45,095 --> 00:21:48,335 They've got a pretty good theater scene here and a big shiny bean and you could... 463 00:21:48,432 --> 00:21:49,432 [sighs] 464 00:21:49,516 --> 00:21:51,727 You could be so happy in your warm winter coat." 465 00:21:52,102 --> 00:21:54,855 - I don't need you to say... - I'm not gonna be that guy, all right? 466 00:21:54,938 --> 00:21:58,859 But if you wanted to stay, I could make things so good for you, Diane. 467 00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:02,237 - Listen... - No, no, I get it. 468 00:22:02,321 --> 00:22:04,531 No, listen. Guy. 469 00:22:04,656 --> 00:22:08,577 I feel so shitty all the time. 470 00:22:08,660 --> 00:22:14,624 I feel like the whole world is pushing in on me, except for when I'm with you. 471 00:22:15,083 --> 00:22:18,712 You have been such a good thing for me. 472 00:22:19,087 --> 00:22:24,509 But I can't be with you if you're the only good thing in my life. 473 00:22:24,593 --> 00:22:27,054 It's too much pressure. I'm sorry. 474 00:22:28,889 --> 00:22:31,183 - Diane! Don't get on that train! - [scoffs] 475 00:22:31,266 --> 00:22:34,353 - Guy, I just told you... - I know, but you're going to the airport. 476 00:22:34,436 --> 00:22:36,876 That train's going to Cottage Grove, you're gonna get screwed! 477 00:22:37,105 --> 00:22:38,690 Oh, no. 478 00:22:40,275 --> 00:22:44,279 [BoJack's voice] Dear Diane, it was Beverly's last day yesterday. 479 00:22:44,905 --> 00:22:48,033 Everyone is real excited for her, but she spent the whole day sulking 480 00:22:48,116 --> 00:22:51,161 because she never found out who her secret admirer was. 481 00:22:51,495 --> 00:22:54,247 Frankly, it was getting pretty annoying, so finally I just say, 482 00:22:54,331 --> 00:22:56,541 "It was me! I'm in love with you!" 483 00:22:56,625 --> 00:23:00,379 And she goes, "Oh. I was hoping it was Mario." 484 00:23:00,796 --> 00:23:02,589 And then she starts crying. 485 00:23:03,256 --> 00:23:07,260 And everyone looks at me like, "Way to go, you made Beverly cry on her last day". 486 00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:10,527 So, the thing I keep thinking about is... 487 00:23:11,598 --> 00:23:14,101 was it worth it for Beverly to be happy for a little bit, 488 00:23:14,267 --> 00:23:16,186 even though it ended up sad? 489 00:23:16,269 --> 00:23:18,749 Or would it have been better if the whole thing never happened? 490 00:23:19,356 --> 00:23:20,732 Every time someone leaves rehab... 491 00:23:20,899 --> 00:23:23,402 it makes you think about your own progress. 492 00:23:23,485 --> 00:23:26,297 Some days it feels like you're not progressing at all, other days you think, 493 00:23:26,321 --> 00:23:27,948 "Well, maybe a little." 494 00:23:28,031 --> 00:23:29,871 The main thing I think about is how stupid I am 495 00:23:29,950 --> 00:23:31,451 that I didn't do this sooner. 496 00:23:31,535 --> 00:23:34,788 I wasted so many years being miserable because I assumed 497 00:23:34,871 --> 00:23:36,706 that was the only way to be. 498 00:23:37,374 --> 00:23:39,042 But I don't wanna do that anymore. 499 00:23:40,210 --> 00:23:43,380 Also, am I crazy or have I gotten really good at writing letters? 500 00:23:43,463 --> 00:23:44,714 [sighs] 501 00:23:44,798 --> 00:23:46,425 This is BoJack, by the way. 502 00:23:47,592 --> 00:23:50,178 - [phone beeps] - [line ringing] 503 00:23:51,012 --> 00:23:52,973 - Hey. - Hey. 504 00:23:53,223 --> 00:23:56,518 I was thinking about these grilled cheese sandwiches I used to make, 505 00:23:56,601 --> 00:23:58,145 back when I first moved to LA. 506 00:23:58,395 --> 00:23:59,896 - What? - I was dirt-broke 507 00:23:59,980 --> 00:24:02,107 and I had no friends and no job, 508 00:24:02,190 --> 00:24:05,735 and I got obsessed with perfecting the art of the grilled cheese sandwich. 509 00:24:05,944 --> 00:24:07,704 - Makes sense. - Partly because it was cheap, 510 00:24:07,779 --> 00:24:09,948 but also because while I was doing it, 511 00:24:10,031 --> 00:24:12,409 I wasn't thinking about how depressing my life was. 512 00:24:12,492 --> 00:24:13,492 Okay. 513 00:24:13,535 --> 00:24:15,662 So, on the plane I was thinking, 514 00:24:15,745 --> 00:24:17,789 I should make another grilled cheese sandwich 515 00:24:17,873 --> 00:24:21,251 because I haven't in a long time, but I love them 516 00:24:21,334 --> 00:24:24,296 and they always make me feel better about things. 517 00:24:24,379 --> 00:24:25,898 - Look, Diane, I gotta... - And the thing about 518 00:24:25,922 --> 00:24:31,219 making your own grilled cheese sandwich is you can do it anywhere. You know? 519 00:24:32,304 --> 00:24:33,304 Yeah? 520 00:24:33,555 --> 00:24:36,349 Yeah. So, I guess that's another good thing. 521 00:24:40,187 --> 00:24:45,942 ♪ I lost my way on a trip Meant for two ♪ 522 00:24:46,026 --> 00:24:51,656 ♪ We left our hearts In a suitcase unused ♪ 523 00:24:52,032 --> 00:24:58,705 ♪ High above Chicago I'll be home tomorrow ♪