1
00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:10,427
...fucker!
2
00:00:12,721 --> 00:00:18,101
-So, we have some options.
-Yeah, a lot of options to discuss.
3
00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:20,562
-You know I love you.
-That's not what this is about.
4
00:00:20,646 --> 00:00:23,232
We always agreed
we didn't want kids, unless--
5
00:00:23,315 --> 00:00:25,108
A streetwise but soulful teen
needed somewhere to live
6
00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:26,610
as he waited
for his Juilliard audition.
7
00:00:26,693 --> 00:00:29,488
We'd support his dancing and let him
stay in the guest room, right.
8
00:00:29,571 --> 00:00:32,157
-But a baby? Are you--?
-It's not about me.
9
00:00:32,241 --> 00:00:34,868
There's no "I" in uterus,
there's only "us."
10
00:00:34,952 --> 00:00:37,246
And "U," and another "U,"
11
00:00:37,329 --> 00:00:40,457
but that's the "U" that's in "us,"
so I already said that "U."
12
00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:43,752
The point is,
I'm going to be here for you, 24/7.
13
00:00:43,835 --> 00:00:47,965
Two hundred and forty-seven percent,
that's how "there for you" I'll be.
14
00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:50,842
-Whatever you decide...
-What we decide, because this is--
15
00:00:50,926 --> 00:00:54,012
Definitely. This is a conversation.
16
00:00:55,138 --> 00:00:58,475
Let's both say what we want
at the same time on three.
17
00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,978
-Okay.
-One, two--
18
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,354
On three or after three?
19
00:01:02,437 --> 00:01:05,357
How could I say it "on three"?
I'll be saying "three."
20
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:08,485
-Okay. Okay.
-One, two, three...
21
00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:09,778
-Abortion.
-Get an abortion.
22
00:01:09,861 --> 00:01:12,364
Oh, no. We said different things.
23
00:01:12,864 --> 00:01:14,283
[funky electronic music]
24
00:01:14,366 --> 00:01:20,998
♪♪
25
00:02:08,420 --> 00:02:10,213
[host]
The Oscar race is heating up,
26
00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:12,799
and all the hot stars
came out to sizzle
27
00:02:12,883 --> 00:02:14,635
at the Golden Snowflake Awards.
28
00:02:14,718 --> 00:02:19,765
Step one on the 48 awards show gauntlet
that is The Exhausting Road To Oscar.
29
00:02:22,267 --> 00:02:26,438
[presenter] The nominees for best actor
in a motion picture or Vine are...
30
00:02:26,521 --> 00:02:28,982
Mitt Dermon for Midnight Hole...
31
00:02:29,775 --> 00:02:32,152
Bread Poot for City Of AIDS...
32
00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:37,574
Lernernerner DiCarpricorn
for The Haberdasher's Peanut...
33
00:02:38,784 --> 00:02:42,496
Jurj Clooners
for The Nazi Who Played Yahtzee...
34
00:02:43,789 --> 00:02:46,750
and BoJack Horseman for Secretariat.
35
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:48,710
Oh, my God.
36
00:02:48,794 --> 00:02:52,589
And the Golden Snowflake is...
Jurj Clooners.
37
00:02:52,672 --> 00:02:54,216
-Oh, my goodness.
-[cheering]
38
00:02:54,299 --> 00:02:55,884
You have to be kidding me.
39
00:02:59,971 --> 00:03:02,140
Don't worry,
they'll call your name next time.
40
00:03:02,224 --> 00:03:05,644
My clients have won Oscars
nine out of the last ten years.
41
00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:06,561
Nine out of ten?
42
00:03:06,645 --> 00:03:09,231
If you were an airline
and landed nine out of ten planes,
43
00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:11,525
you wouldn't exactly brag about that
in your commercial.
44
00:03:11,608 --> 00:03:14,486
Everyone loves Secretariat.
Your time will come.
45
00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:19,282
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have
to go tell A.O. Scott how great you are.
46
00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:21,201
[yelling]
Hey, yo, Scott!
47
00:03:21,743 --> 00:03:23,036
Hey, Diane.
48
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:26,373
-Diane, Diane, Diane.
-I'm doing my job, BoJack.
49
00:03:26,456 --> 00:03:27,624
Young people and their phones.
50
00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:30,210
There could be a beautiful rainbow
in this room right now
51
00:03:30,293 --> 00:03:31,503
and you would have no idea.
52
00:03:31,586 --> 00:03:32,838
Really makes you think, huh?
53
00:03:32,921 --> 00:03:34,631
Can you look at rainbows on your phone?
54
00:03:34,714 --> 00:03:36,341
Shut up, BoJack.
55
00:03:36,425 --> 00:03:37,551
-[phone pinging]
-Shit.
56
00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:40,095
I just tweeted "Shut up, BoJack,"
as Cynthia Nixon.
57
00:03:40,178 --> 00:03:42,347
I'd buy it. She is not a fan,
and for good reason.
58
00:03:42,431 --> 00:03:45,392
-We were up in the Poconos, she and I...
-BoJack, not now.
59
00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:47,686
-What's up your butt tonight?
-You really wanna know?
60
00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:50,188
I would seriously like to know
what crawled up your butt,
61
00:03:50,272 --> 00:03:52,107
made a home for itself in your butt,
62
00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:55,193
started a family, lived a fruitful life,
and then died up your butt.
63
00:03:55,277 --> 00:03:56,570
I'm getting an abortion.
64
00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:58,530
Whoa, that takes me back.
65
00:03:58,613 --> 00:04:00,991
I had more than my share of abortions
in the '90s.
66
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:02,784
I didn't get them, I paid for them.
67
00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:05,162
I really hope all those women
actually got the abortions,
68
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:07,330
and didn't just keep my money.
69
00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:10,917
Diane, are you tweeting for pop starlet
Sextina Aquafina right now?
70
00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:12,252
I'm trying to. Why?
71
00:04:12,335 --> 00:04:15,797
Because her account
just tweeted out to 40 million followers,
72
00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:17,340
"I'm getting an abortion."
73
00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:18,258
What? No--
74
00:04:18,341 --> 00:04:19,551
She--
75
00:04:19,634 --> 00:04:20,552
Oh, balls.
76
00:04:22,053 --> 00:04:23,680
The tweet heard round the world.
77
00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:26,892
Sextina Aquafina says,
"I'm getting an abortion."
78
00:04:26,975 --> 00:04:30,103
And the world says, "Whaaa?"
79
00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:31,980
If it's happening,
we're gonna talk about it.
80
00:04:32,063 --> 00:04:33,940
It's time for Tom's Rant.
81
00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:36,943
Is Twitter an appropriate forum
82
00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:39,321
to be discussing a sensitive issue
like abortion?
83
00:04:39,404 --> 00:04:42,157
Wouldn't a better forum be nowhere?
84
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:46,495
Wait, does that say "Tom Srant"?
Why does that say Tom Srant?
85
00:04:46,578 --> 00:04:47,579
I clearly said--
86
00:04:47,662 --> 00:04:50,248
Randy, don't look at Jessica.
This is on you.
87
00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:56,546
Diane, VIM is hanging on by a thread
and only barely scraping by
88
00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:58,173
because of clients like Sextina.
89
00:04:58,256 --> 00:05:01,468
Hey! Heard you pulled the trigger
on the Big Bear condo.
90
00:05:01,551 --> 00:05:04,429
Great investment.
We are not on the edge of complete ruin.
91
00:05:04,513 --> 00:05:06,723
We are on the edge of complete ruin.
92
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:09,935
I think if I explain it to her
and apologize, she'll understand.
93
00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:13,438
Because she's so understanding?
This is a teenage pop star.
94
00:05:13,522 --> 00:05:15,649
Literally the two least
compassionate entities
95
00:05:15,732 --> 00:05:18,109
combined into the supernova
of not understanding
96
00:05:18,193 --> 00:05:20,737
-that is Sextina Aquafina.
-[elevator dings]
97
00:05:22,364 --> 00:05:24,699
Ugh. So imagine my surprise
98
00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:28,620
when I'm in the middle of a performance
for Gaddafi's cousin on his yacht
99
00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:32,791
and I'm in a giant champagne flute
singing "Left Titty"
100
00:05:32,874 --> 00:05:35,585
and everyone starts to look
at their phones and look at me,
101
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:39,047
because I am apparently aborting a baby
I do not have.
102
00:05:39,130 --> 00:05:44,177
So I had them turn their boat into a car
and drive me here to fire someone.
103
00:05:44,261 --> 00:05:47,305
-I think that's me.
-Great. You're fired, Glasses.
104
00:05:47,389 --> 00:05:48,682
[background] ♪ Sextina! ♪
105
00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:52,978
I'll put out a statement
explaining the whole mess. I am so sorry.
106
00:05:53,061 --> 00:05:54,104
Oh. Oh!
107
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:55,939
What "oh?" Who said you could "Oh?"
108
00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:59,776
Taylor Swift just tweeted
that you were "brave."
109
00:05:59,859 --> 00:06:02,654
Nicki Minaj tweeted at you
a face with heart eyes.
110
00:06:02,737 --> 00:06:05,657
And BuzzFeed just posted a list
of top 15 celebrities
111
00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:07,617
who should have had abortions
like Sextina.
112
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:11,162
-You're trending like crazy.
-I'm trending?
113
00:06:11,246 --> 00:06:13,582
Most women who go through this
never talk about it
114
00:06:13,665 --> 00:06:14,916
because it's so stigmatized.
115
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,586
The fact that you're coming out like this
is huge.
116
00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:19,796
It would be, if you were
actually getting an abortion.
117
00:06:19,879 --> 00:06:24,259
So what you're saying is,
maybe I am getting an abortion?
118
00:06:24,342 --> 00:06:26,636
Well, no, because you're not.
119
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,681
Yeah, but if you did,
this would make you a cultural icon.
120
00:06:29,764 --> 00:06:33,310
Glasses, you're un-fired.
I'm getting an abortion.
121
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:35,020
-Well...
-I gotta go on talk shows.
122
00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:38,273
If I can make one woman
feel a little less alone,
123
00:06:38,356 --> 00:06:39,941
then it's all worth it, right?
124
00:06:40,025 --> 00:06:41,067
Yeah...
125
00:06:41,151 --> 00:06:44,029
And if I can make a million women
buy my album,
126
00:06:44,112 --> 00:06:45,739
then it's definitely all worth it.
127
00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:46,656
Um...
128
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:48,658
-Diane, take the yes.
-Okay.
129
00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:53,038
Sextina Aquafina, you are now the face
of the pro-choice movement.
130
00:06:53,121 --> 00:06:56,541
-Now let's get you informed.
-Hey! Uh, what?
131
00:06:56,625 --> 00:06:59,127
[crowd chattering]
132
00:06:59,836 --> 00:07:01,212
So, before the procedure,
133
00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:04,007
you'll need to look at an ultrasound
and listen to the heartbeat.
134
00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:05,925
Or heartbeats, if you're having a litter.
135
00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:07,677
Why does she have to listen
to the heartbeat?
136
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:11,181
It's the law. Also, by law,
I have to tell you that at one month,
137
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:14,559
your puppies have a favorite color
and that color may be blue.
138
00:07:14,643 --> 00:07:17,562
-That can't be true.
-By law, I have to tell you that.
139
00:07:17,646 --> 00:07:18,813
Also, before your procedure,
140
00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:21,316
you'll need to watch
20 hours of cute puppy videos
141
00:07:21,399 --> 00:07:24,319
as Sarah McLachlan's
"I Will Remember You" plays softly.
142
00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:27,322
Don't worry, Diane, I will watch
the cute puppy videos for you.
143
00:07:27,405 --> 00:07:30,617
-It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
-No, she has to watch the videos.
144
00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:34,454
Don't worry, Diane, we will watch
the cute puppy videos together.
145
00:07:34,537 --> 00:07:38,458
-No, she has to watch them alone.
-Diane, I have some terrible news.
146
00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:45,840
Tomorrow, our exclusive interview
with the irrepressible provocateuse
147
00:07:45,924 --> 00:07:47,759
Sextina Aquafina.
148
00:07:47,842 --> 00:07:52,222
But first, one thing that isn't
being aborted: the road to Oscar.
149
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:54,349
Tonight, the Leonard Maltin Awards.
150
00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:56,685
Handing out trophies
to all the performances this year
151
00:07:56,768 --> 00:07:59,104
that Leonard Maltin thought
were pretty good.
152
00:08:00,689 --> 00:08:04,901
And the Malty for Pretty Good Actor
goes to Bread Poot.
153
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:07,237
-[applause]
-Whoo!
154
00:08:12,283 --> 00:08:14,077
[screaming]
155
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:15,620
[sighing]
156
00:08:15,745 --> 00:08:16,913
You need another drink?
157
00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:20,417
Why? Because I lost, I'm a loser,
so I have to drown my sorrows in scotch?
158
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:23,086
No, I just meant because of thirst.
159
00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:24,295
I could use a scotch.
160
00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:27,007
Oh, look. Jurj Clooners.
161
00:08:27,090 --> 00:08:28,800
-[cameras clicking]
-There he is, Jurj Clooners.
162
00:08:28,883 --> 00:08:30,635
Hey, how are you? Thank you.
163
00:08:30,719 --> 00:08:32,762
Jurj sucks.
What does everyone love about him?
164
00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:35,974
He's not a god.
He's just an old guy who loves pranks.
165
00:08:36,057 --> 00:08:37,726
Sure sounds like God.
166
00:08:37,809 --> 00:08:40,395
-Jurj, hey, man.
-BoJack, right?
167
00:08:40,478 --> 00:08:42,480
Yeah, good to see you.
168
00:08:42,564 --> 00:08:47,277
Hey, Jurj, my name's Todd,
and my friend Keith sleeps on your couch.
169
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,821
Oh, you know Keith?
Tell him to clean up his shit.
170
00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:51,656
-[both laughing]
-Oh.
171
00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:53,241
That is so Keith.
172
00:08:53,324 --> 00:08:56,703
Todd, why don't you do the grown-ups
a favor and go find your own shadow?
173
00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:59,122
It was here a second ago.
174
00:08:59,205 --> 00:09:02,333
Jurj, I loved you
in The Nazi Who Played Yahtzee.
175
00:09:02,417 --> 00:09:04,794
How do you get in the head
of a war criminal?
176
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:07,422
You know,
I don't think of him as a war criminal.
177
00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:10,467
I just think of him as a person
who had a funny accent.
178
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:13,094
Totally. I think I'm getting
the hang of all this now.
179
00:09:13,178 --> 00:09:17,724
You won last night, the other guy
won tonight, maybe I'll win next time.
180
00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:21,269
Yikes.
Look, man, you're not gonna be next.
181
00:09:21,352 --> 00:09:24,022
This will sound dumb
coming out of my mouth, but it's true.
182
00:09:24,105 --> 00:09:29,027
So Jurj, Bread, Mitt, those are names.
Like real names.
183
00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:31,654
Lernernerner DiCarpricorn, that's a name.
184
00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:33,698
-BoJack, not a name.
-Huh.
185
00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:36,076
I figured they would, like,
tell you this stuff.
186
00:09:36,159 --> 00:09:38,495
You're the Fifth Man. You get it, right?
187
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,789
-Well--
-Yeah, you get it. Put her there.
188
00:09:40,872 --> 00:09:41,873
-[zapping]
-Oh!
189
00:09:41,956 --> 00:09:45,085
-Joy buzzer. You just got Jurjed!
-[groaning]
190
00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:46,961
All right, I'll see you later.
191
00:09:47,045 --> 00:09:51,841
Vivica.
Now I know why they call you A. Fox.
192
00:09:52,884 --> 00:09:54,552
Excuse me, you gonna stay here long?
193
00:09:54,636 --> 00:09:57,138
We got the OCD Image Awards tomorrow,
194
00:09:57,222 --> 00:10:00,433
and those guys really like
a clean afterparty.
195
00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:02,060
[groaning]
196
00:10:04,521 --> 00:10:06,606
So, let me get this straight, Sextina.
197
00:10:06,689 --> 00:10:09,067
Someone put a baby in your belly
and now you're like,
198
00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:11,528
"Awooga!
Is there an undo button around here?
199
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,071
Leggo my preggo."
200
00:10:13,154 --> 00:10:16,116
-Is that right?
-That is exactly correct, A Ryan,
201
00:10:16,199 --> 00:10:20,578
but I am very excited for this opportunity
to put a face on this important issue.
202
00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:23,790
One out of three women
will have an abortion in her life.
203
00:10:23,873 --> 00:10:26,501
That sounds crazy high to me,
I don't buy it.
204
00:10:26,584 --> 00:10:29,921
I wanted to destigmatize the experience
for all women out there,
205
00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:32,173
so I'm dropping a new single.
206
00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:33,716
-What?
- ♪ Surprise! ♪
207
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,802
-New single?
-Just relax.
208
00:10:35,885 --> 00:10:39,097
Crack an egg on your head,
feel the yolk drip down.
209
00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:41,474
America, get your uteruses turnt,
210
00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:44,602
'cause this song is called
"Get Dat Fetus Kill Dat Fetus."
211
00:10:44,686 --> 00:10:45,728
Oh, dear.
212
00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:49,232
♪ I'm a baby killer
Baby killing makes me horny ♪
213
00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:52,318
♪ Alien's inside me
I'm gonna squash it like Sigourney ♪
214
00:10:52,402 --> 00:10:54,154
No, stop.
215
00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:56,156
♪ Get that fetus, kill that fetus ♪
216
00:10:56,239 --> 00:10:58,074
♪ Brrap brrap pew pew... ♪
217
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:00,326
Christ, stop the tape.
218
00:11:00,410 --> 00:11:04,330
Glasses, you did this.
You empowered me to tell my story.
219
00:11:04,414 --> 00:11:08,960
I think the tone might be a little severe?
220
00:11:09,544 --> 00:11:12,881
Look, when you get an abortion,
you can express yourself however you want,
221
00:11:12,964 --> 00:11:15,508
but this is about my body and my choices,
222
00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:19,596
and my choice
is to be a totally insane badass.
223
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:22,599
Ugh! I am getting an abortion.
You're not even really pregnant.
224
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:26,477
So? This is show business.
"Brrap brrap. Pew pew."
225
00:11:28,396 --> 00:11:30,690
"Brrap brrap. Pew pew."
226
00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:34,319
A daring battle cry from
the self-appointed New Voice of Choice.
227
00:11:34,402 --> 00:11:37,906
But has the concept of women
having choices gone too far?
228
00:11:37,989 --> 00:11:40,783
We've assembled this diverse panel
of white men in bow ties
229
00:11:40,867 --> 00:11:42,660
to talk about abortion. Gentlemen?
230
00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:45,246
Tom, this is not just a woman's issue.
231
00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:47,415
I'm a man, but if I got pregnant,
232
00:11:47,498 --> 00:11:51,461
would I put my life on hold
for a child I didn't want? Yes, I would.
233
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:52,837
I can say that with confidence,
234
00:11:52,921 --> 00:11:56,007
because I will never have to make
that decision, so I'm unbiased.
235
00:11:56,090 --> 00:11:59,677
-Does this video glamorize abortion?
-Very possibly, Tom.
236
00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:02,972
Millennials today think everything is NBD.
237
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:07,101
NBD of course stands for No BD,
referring to B.D. Wong,
238
00:12:07,185 --> 00:12:09,437
who teens think is a very big deal.
239
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:14,233
So if something's not BD,
it means it's not a big deal.
240
00:12:14,317 --> 00:12:19,447
-These days, abortions are not BD.
-Are abortions even necessary?
241
00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:23,034
I heard a theory that if a woman
really has an unwanted pregnancy,
242
00:12:23,117 --> 00:12:26,120
the body has a way to break the fetus down
into gas particles
243
00:12:26,204 --> 00:12:28,122
and then she can just fart it out.
244
00:12:28,206 --> 00:12:31,459
Where did you hear this intriguing
"fart it out" theory?
245
00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:35,296
-I don't remember. Maybe the Bible?
-Thank you for clarifying.
246
00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:38,549
Next up, Jurj Clooners
is making audiences cry
247
00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:42,512
in his new film, but his latest prank
might make you... think?
248
00:12:42,971 --> 00:12:45,264
[groaning]
Jurj. He likes pranks, huh?
249
00:12:45,348 --> 00:12:47,934
I'll prank him. I'll prank him real good.
250
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:50,436
We'll need to draw him out.
What do A-list actors like?
251
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,563
Stretch limos? Nannies?
252
00:12:52,647 --> 00:12:56,859
Flying their private jets
to disaster areas so they can "help out"?
253
00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:58,403
Yeah, limos. We'll get a limo.
254
00:12:58,486 --> 00:13:00,655
I'll need one of those caps,
I'll be the driver.
255
00:13:00,738 --> 00:13:03,282
I'll pick him up,
and he'll be all like, "I'm Jurj, I suck,"
256
00:13:03,366 --> 00:13:06,160
and then I'll be all, "Surprise,"
and hit him with a bat.
257
00:13:06,244 --> 00:13:07,328
Pranked!
258
00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:11,624
It really doesn't seem like a prank
as much as you hitting him with a bat.
259
00:13:11,708 --> 00:13:15,336
Yeah, it's a bad prank on purpose
to show how stupid pranks are.
260
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:17,672
-That's the point.
-Is that the point?
261
00:13:17,755 --> 00:13:20,508
I'm working on levels here, man.
To the limousine repository.
262
00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:23,344
[paparazzi yelling]
263
00:13:23,428 --> 00:13:25,930
[with accent]
Good afternoon, Mr. Clooners.
264
00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:28,808
Hey, man, just one sec,
my publicist is right behind me.
265
00:13:28,891 --> 00:13:31,477
Of course. Bring the publicist.
266
00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:34,856
-Oh, shit.
-What's that, driver?
267
00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:39,068
I said, "Auschwitz."
You're the Nazi who played Yahtzee.
268
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:43,031
Right, well, anyway, we're going
to the AOL-Time-Warner-PepsiCo-Viacom
269
00:13:43,114 --> 00:13:46,075
Halliburton-Skynet-Toyota-Trader Joe's
Auditorium
270
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:47,910
for the Image Choice Spirit Awards.
271
00:13:47,994 --> 00:13:52,790
Uh... okay, yes, ma'am.
Here I go. Driving, driving.
272
00:13:52,874 --> 00:13:55,293
You don't need to talk,
you can just drive.
273
00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:57,170
Actually, can we make a couple stops?
274
00:13:57,253 --> 00:14:00,840
I am totally out of toilet paper,
so if you could find a Rite Aid.
275
00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:05,928
You have to go in and buy the TP for me.
I'll get mobbed by fans if I go in.
276
00:14:06,012 --> 00:14:08,264
Just pick out something
extra soft for my tushy.
277
00:14:09,057 --> 00:14:10,892
-I don't know
-Do as he says, driver.
278
00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:13,644
-Chop chop.
-Okay.
279
00:14:16,272 --> 00:14:19,442
My concern is that you're
actually giving the pro-life movement
280
00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:21,486
something to latch onto
as an example of--
281
00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:23,905
Oh, my God, you are so boring.
282
00:14:23,988 --> 00:14:26,491
Can I abort talking to you right now?
Abort.
283
00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:29,827
-You need to stop and think--
-Or what? You gonna sic Fido on me?
284
00:14:29,911 --> 00:14:32,497
I am just here for emotional support.
285
00:14:32,580 --> 00:14:35,416
Can you let it go?
I don't want to have to ask you again.
286
00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:37,835
I really think we have the chance
to say something here,
287
00:14:37,919 --> 00:14:41,339
and all we're saying
is "Pshew pshew pow."
288
00:14:41,422 --> 00:14:42,840
-What is that?
-What are you doing?
289
00:14:42,924 --> 00:14:44,509
That's the gun sounds, from the song.
290
00:14:44,592 --> 00:14:47,095
Uh. Do you mean, "Brrap brrap pew pew"?
291
00:14:47,178 --> 00:14:49,639
Yeah, that's what I did. "Pshow, kapow."
292
00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:51,682
-That's not what a gun sounds like.
-Prrow!
293
00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:53,434
-Pshow, kapow!
-Bop!
294
00:14:53,518 --> 00:14:55,228
-Brrap brrap pew pew!
-Ppew, ping!
295
00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:57,563
Can everyone please
stop making gun sounds?
296
00:14:57,647 --> 00:14:59,232
It is really freaking me out.
297
00:14:59,315 --> 00:15:01,734
My point is,
everyone's listening to you now.
298
00:15:01,818 --> 00:15:04,570
Soon people are gonna get bored
and move onto the next thing
299
00:15:04,654 --> 00:15:07,115
and you'll hate yourself
that you weren't able to make a difference
300
00:15:07,198 --> 00:15:08,408
when you had the chance.
301
00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:10,868
Believe me,
it happens sooner than you think.
302
00:15:10,952 --> 00:15:12,412
Oh...
303
00:15:13,037 --> 00:15:15,164
Hi. I'm A Ryan Sea--
[screaming]
304
00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:19,460
Okay, we're here, finally. Get out.
305
00:15:19,544 --> 00:15:21,421
Ooh, can we make one more stop?
306
00:15:21,504 --> 00:15:24,090
I just remembered
we left my wife back at the house.
307
00:15:24,173 --> 00:15:26,050
Can we go back? Pwease?
308
00:15:26,134 --> 00:15:28,302
Driver? The man said, "Pwease."
309
00:15:28,386 --> 00:15:32,807
That's it. Enough.
I am not your driver. It is I, BoJack.
310
00:15:33,558 --> 00:15:35,601
[gasping]
BoJack? What are you doing?
311
00:15:35,685 --> 00:15:38,396
I was gonna prank Jurj
by hitting him with this bat,
312
00:15:38,479 --> 00:15:42,024
but you got into the car because,
apparently, you are a two-timing liar.
313
00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:43,734
What's the thing with the bat?
314
00:15:43,818 --> 00:15:46,028
BoJack, this is not a good look on you.
315
00:15:46,112 --> 00:15:48,030
All this time,
I thought you believed in me.
316
00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:50,741
This is why your clients win every year.
You represent everyone.
317
00:15:50,825 --> 00:15:53,369
It has nothing to do with whether
you're a good publicist or not.
318
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:55,371
I am a marvelous publicist.
319
00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:58,541
Not to me. You're doing great work
for this asshole who loves pranks.
320
00:15:58,624 --> 00:15:59,876
You're pranking him right now.
321
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:03,045
Yeah, with a bad prank
to show how stupid pranks are.
322
00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:05,006
Seems a little convoluted,
323
00:16:05,089 --> 00:16:07,633
which is actually a trademark
of a great prank.
324
00:16:07,717 --> 00:16:09,051
Well played, sir.
325
00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:12,013
No, it's a bad prank.
That's my point. Pranks are dumb.
326
00:16:12,096 --> 00:16:15,391
We're late, and I won't keep going
round and round with you on this.
327
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:17,185
Publicists have many clients.
328
00:16:17,268 --> 00:16:18,978
Not my publicist. You're fired.
329
00:16:19,061 --> 00:16:21,522
Are you kidding?
Who fires Ana Spanakopita?
330
00:16:21,606 --> 00:16:22,690
I do. I just did.
331
00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:25,651
[scoffing] Who's gonna set up
your press appearances?
332
00:16:25,735 --> 00:16:28,029
Your hopeless agent? Your idiot sidekick?
333
00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:30,323
Not your problem.
Get the hell out of my limo.
334
00:16:30,406 --> 00:16:33,493
'Cause I gotta pick up
a bachelorette party in 30 minutes.
335
00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:38,748
Sextina, welcome to the program.
Can I get a "pew pew" for the fans?
336
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:43,169
-Tom, abortion is a very serious subject.
-Yes, very serious, I agree.
337
00:16:43,252 --> 00:16:45,463
I want to tell the real story
about abortion,
338
00:16:45,546 --> 00:16:47,298
show America what it's really about,
339
00:16:47,381 --> 00:16:50,343
which is why your girl Sextina Aquafina
340
00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:53,971
is gonna have her abortion
live on television.
341
00:16:54,055 --> 00:16:55,097
What what?
342
00:16:55,181 --> 00:16:57,683
Pay-per-view, chitches.
343
00:16:57,767 --> 00:16:58,893
-What?
-What?
344
00:16:58,976 --> 00:17:02,480
"Pay-per-view, chitches."
Brrap brrap, pew pew, ka-ching ka-ching.
345
00:17:02,563 --> 00:17:05,233
How are you going to have
an abortion on live TV
346
00:17:05,316 --> 00:17:06,943
when you're not even
really having an abortion?
347
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:09,737
-Duh, we'll just Argo that shit.
-What does that mean?
348
00:17:09,820 --> 00:17:13,533
Yeah, yeah. Fake abortion.
Movie magic, like in Argo.
349
00:17:13,616 --> 00:17:15,409
That is not what happened in Argo.
350
00:17:15,493 --> 00:17:18,079
If we're gonna do this,
we got to be real tasteful.
351
00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:21,791
Yeah, only the best for my abortion.
All class.
352
00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:23,709
John Carpenter
can do the practical effects.
353
00:17:23,793 --> 00:17:25,419
-He owes me a favor.
-What?
354
00:17:25,503 --> 00:17:27,797
We'll book Eddie Redmayne as the fetus.
355
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,173
Are you hearing yourselves?
356
00:17:29,257 --> 00:17:32,635
We're not going to fake an abortion
on live TV.
357
00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:34,220
Obviously, we'll pre-tape it.
358
00:17:34,303 --> 00:17:37,306
Then put a little box in the corner
of the screen that says "Live."
359
00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:39,976
You don't think
this is incredibly disrespectful
360
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:42,144
to the women who actually get abortions?
361
00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:43,729
Not if we do it tasteful.
362
00:17:43,813 --> 00:17:47,066
Diane, this is what the client wants.
Stop making it about you.
363
00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:48,693
I'm not making it about me.
364
00:17:48,776 --> 00:17:51,904
-I am so tired of you creating problems.
-I'm not--
365
00:17:51,988 --> 00:17:53,739
I'm sorry you're so fertile
366
00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:56,409
and in a sexually active,
loving relationship
367
00:17:56,492 --> 00:17:58,119
and now you don't want a family.
368
00:17:58,202 --> 00:18:00,955
-I'm sure that's really hard for you.
-What?
369
00:18:01,038 --> 00:18:04,917
Uh... if this is not about me anymore,
then I'mma go.
370
00:18:05,001 --> 00:18:07,378
Y'all figure your shit out
and get back at me.
371
00:18:07,461 --> 00:18:09,380
Where's that ZZ Top mofo at?
372
00:18:09,463 --> 00:18:12,466
Can a chitch
get a parking validation or what?
373
00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:14,677
Is there something you want to say to me?
374
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:15,761
[sighs]
375
00:18:15,845 --> 00:18:21,392
I have given everything to get where I am,
and I am not about to throw all that away.
376
00:18:21,475 --> 00:18:24,020
She wants an abortion?
I'm getting her an abortion.
377
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:27,064
-You know this is bullshit.
-It's all bullshit, Diane.
378
00:18:27,148 --> 00:18:31,861
That's the gig. And you're not good enough
at this job to be too good for this job.
379
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:33,613
I won't be a part of this.
380
00:18:34,989 --> 00:18:36,073
[groaning]
381
00:18:36,157 --> 00:18:38,075
Yo, Beardo, where did you go?
382
00:18:38,159 --> 00:18:41,120
I need to get my parking validation did,
or I cannot leave.
383
00:18:41,203 --> 00:18:43,539
Y'all's trippin' if you think
Sextina Aquafina
384
00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:46,042
is paying $15 for parking.
385
00:18:48,794 --> 00:18:51,505
All right, new publicist.
What do you got for me?
386
00:18:51,589 --> 00:18:56,218
Secretariat was an athlete, right?
And you used to be an athlete.
387
00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:57,428
What? No, I didn't.
388
00:18:57,511 --> 00:19:01,223
You didn't play baseball and football?
Oh, um...
389
00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:03,434
You know, I think I Googled the wrong guy.
390
00:19:03,517 --> 00:19:07,772
-Did you think I was Bo Jackson?
-This idea I know you're going to like.
391
00:19:07,855 --> 00:19:09,732
You know that car wash on Alvarado?
392
00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:15,071
They need someone to dress up
like a gorilla and spin a sign.
393
00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:16,364
Why would I do that?
394
00:19:16,447 --> 00:19:18,741
Anything that gets your face
out there, right?
395
00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:21,535
How does it get my face out there
dressed like a gorilla?
396
00:19:21,619 --> 00:19:22,995
Maybe that one's a dud,
397
00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:25,831
but hey, you think Lou Bega
knocked it out of the park
398
00:19:25,915 --> 00:19:27,583
with "Mambo Number One"?
399
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:31,337
-No, but he kept at it.
-[groaning]
400
00:19:32,213 --> 00:19:34,048
-[crowd chattering]
-[babies crying]
401
00:19:34,924 --> 00:19:38,719
I'm making things all about me?
I'm the one who's having an abortion.
402
00:19:38,803 --> 00:19:42,139
-It's ridiculous.
-They're completely morally bankrupt.
403
00:19:42,223 --> 00:19:44,600
I agree with you, 247 percent.
404
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,936
I just wrote "morally bankrupt"
on this form.
405
00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:50,564
You were right to do that.
This form is being very nosy right now.
406
00:19:50,648 --> 00:19:52,108
Why did I even take that job?
407
00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:55,569
You were going through a rough time,
Princess Carolyn wanted to help you
408
00:19:55,653 --> 00:19:57,363
and she offered you the job.
409
00:19:57,446 --> 00:20:01,200
Which she should not have done.
So morally bankrupt.
410
00:20:01,283 --> 00:20:03,244
Okay, yeah, that was nice.
411
00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:05,788
But still,
she is putting her company's bottom line
412
00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:08,958
before the very real damage
that bottle-nosed maniac
413
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:11,127
is doing every time
she gets on the news and--
414
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,295
[gasping]
That's it, the news.
415
00:20:13,379 --> 00:20:16,674
I gotta take the high road,
go on the news and rat those suckers out.
416
00:20:16,757 --> 00:20:18,884
Is that really a good idea?
417
00:20:18,968 --> 00:20:20,428
It is if you think it is,
418
00:20:20,511 --> 00:20:22,805
because I am here to support you
no matter what,
419
00:20:22,888 --> 00:20:25,808
but maybe it isn't the best idea?
420
00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:30,396
Like, if that idea were a Dillon brother
maybe it's a Kevin, not a Matt?
421
00:20:30,479 --> 00:20:34,066
Someone has to tell the world
that Sextina is a total fraud.
422
00:20:34,150 --> 00:20:35,985
[girl] You know Sextina Aquafina?
423
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:40,990
-Oh. Yeah, I mean, I work with her.
-Oh. She is so cool.
424
00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:45,703
Sextina's music makes me feel strong,
like I can do anything.
425
00:20:45,786 --> 00:20:46,996
It doesn't offend you?
426
00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:48,622
What about the part where she says,
427
00:20:48,706 --> 00:20:51,417
"I hope and pray to God
my little fetus has a soul
428
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:55,045
'cause I want it to feel pain
when I eject it from my hole"?
429
00:20:55,129 --> 00:20:58,007
It's a joke.
You get that it's a joke, right?
430
00:20:58,090 --> 00:21:00,050
Well, obviously.
431
00:21:00,134 --> 00:21:03,220
Do you think she actually wants
to shoot her fetus with a gun?
432
00:21:03,304 --> 00:21:06,640
-No, I get it.
-Getting an abortion is scary.
433
00:21:06,724 --> 00:21:08,350
With all the protesters out front,
434
00:21:08,434 --> 00:21:10,644
how you have to listen
to the heartbeat and all that.
435
00:21:10,728 --> 00:21:14,315
When you can joke about it,
it makes it less scary, you know?
436
00:21:14,398 --> 00:21:16,650
[sighing]
Yeah.
437
00:21:16,734 --> 00:21:18,027
[nurse]
Diane?
438
00:21:26,786 --> 00:21:27,995
Ana?
439
00:21:29,205 --> 00:21:31,040
I won't be working with Jurj anymore.
440
00:21:32,958 --> 00:21:34,210
I let him know this morning.
441
00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:36,587
First he thought I was doing
a really good prank,
442
00:21:36,670 --> 00:21:38,547
but eventually I think he understood.
443
00:21:38,631 --> 00:21:40,049
You dropped Jurj?
444
00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:43,928
Jurj Clooners?
Sexiest Man in America Jurj Clooners?
445
00:21:44,011 --> 00:21:47,223
Jurj is easy. Everyone loves him.
446
00:21:47,306 --> 00:21:50,684
I've got a master's degree in Publicist,
it's time to put that to use.
447
00:21:50,768 --> 00:21:53,771
I dropped all my other clients.
You're the underdog.
448
00:21:53,854 --> 00:21:58,067
I want to put all my attention on you
and get you that Oscar.
449
00:21:58,150 --> 00:22:00,069
So nobody else, huh? Good.
450
00:22:00,152 --> 00:22:02,947
Just all your hopes and dreams
pinned on me.
451
00:22:03,030 --> 00:22:04,490
Somehow beating the odds
452
00:22:04,573 --> 00:22:07,993
and winning the highest possible accolade
in an actor's career.
453
00:22:08,077 --> 00:22:10,371
-I know we can do it.
-Just me, huh?
454
00:22:10,454 --> 00:22:12,790
Wow, that's actually. That--
455
00:22:12,873 --> 00:22:14,834
Is someone standing on my windpipe?
456
00:22:14,917 --> 00:22:17,002
Let's just get Jurj on the phone so we--
457
00:22:17,086 --> 00:22:19,380
No, BoJack. I believe in you, okay?
458
00:22:19,964 --> 00:22:21,048
Okay.
459
00:22:21,131 --> 00:22:22,258
Whoa, Ana, what are you--?
460
00:22:22,341 --> 00:22:25,094
-Oh, boy.
-Shh... It's okay.
461
00:22:25,177 --> 00:22:29,265
-When you fired me, it was thrilling.
-Oh. Ana...
462
00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:31,183
Nobody talks to me like that.
463
00:22:31,267 --> 00:22:35,854
It reminded me that I work for you,
and I liked that.
464
00:22:35,938 --> 00:22:36,981
Okay, but--
465
00:22:37,064 --> 00:22:41,944
Do you like that?
Being in control? Being the star?
466
00:22:42,027 --> 00:22:43,028
Yes.
467
00:22:43,112 --> 00:22:46,240
You're my star, BoJack. My shining star.
468
00:22:46,323 --> 00:22:48,367
-But don't you ever...
-Ow, too tight.
469
00:22:48,450 --> 00:22:50,744
-...try to screw me again.
-Ouch! Oh, please.
470
00:22:50,828 --> 00:22:53,080
-Do you understand?
-Yes. God, yes.
471
00:22:53,163 --> 00:22:54,456
Good.
472
00:22:54,790 --> 00:22:59,420
I'll see you tomorrow bright and early.
You have my undivided attention now.
473
00:23:00,588 --> 00:23:02,756
-Uh...
-[door opens, closes]
474
00:23:03,215 --> 00:23:06,051
[doctor]
How are you feeling, Sextina?
475
00:23:06,135 --> 00:23:09,096
[Sextina] A little queasy
but on the whole, wonderful.
476
00:23:09,179 --> 00:23:11,557
[doctor] Good. Now, I do accept tips.
477
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:15,686
-That was surprisingly tasteful.
-And educational, right?
478
00:23:15,769 --> 00:23:17,605
Yeah. Weirdly educational.
479
00:23:17,688 --> 00:23:22,860
I actually learned a lot about abortion,
and I just had an abortion.
480
00:23:22,943 --> 00:23:25,070
-How are you feeling?
-I feel shitty.
481
00:23:25,154 --> 00:23:26,614
I mean, physically.
482
00:23:26,697 --> 00:23:30,451
I'm glad I did it,
but mostly I just felt old.
483
00:23:30,534 --> 00:23:33,662
There were all these teenagers there.
Twenty-somethings.
484
00:23:33,746 --> 00:23:37,541
I know from the outside, it might seem
like I should be ready for kids,
485
00:23:37,625 --> 00:23:38,709
but I can't--
486
00:23:38,792 --> 00:23:42,963
Diane, you don't need
to explain anything to anyone.
487
00:23:43,756 --> 00:23:45,382
[phone buzzing]
488
00:23:45,466 --> 00:23:50,679
-Sextina. Great job, we did it.
-Yeah, so, little wrinkle.
489
00:23:50,763 --> 00:23:53,182
I've been having a lot of sex, you know,
490
00:23:53,265 --> 00:23:56,977
'cause I'm a sexual creature
and dolphins do have sex for pleasure.
491
00:23:57,061 --> 00:23:59,480
I just found out
I got knocked up for real.
492
00:23:59,563 --> 00:24:02,483
-What?
-And I think I want to keep it.
493
00:24:02,566 --> 00:24:05,569
But that might be a little confusing
to my fans,
494
00:24:05,653 --> 00:24:09,031
since they just saw me
get the old scoopity doopity?
495
00:24:09,114 --> 00:24:12,868
Okay, we're gonna handle this.
Meet us at the office in 20 minutes.
496
00:24:13,410 --> 00:24:16,955
First thing is we gotta get her
out of town before she starts to show.
497
00:24:17,039 --> 00:24:20,584
Yeah, we'll send her to that farm
where celebrities go to disappear,
498
00:24:20,668 --> 00:24:22,878
where Chad Michael Murray
and Thora Birch went.
499
00:24:22,961 --> 00:24:25,381
Film a bunch of music videos now,
and then--
500
00:24:25,464 --> 00:24:28,926
Release them over the next year
so it seems like she's still around.
501
00:24:29,009 --> 00:24:32,262
Then when she comes back,
we'll say she adopted a baby.
502
00:24:32,346 --> 00:24:37,017
[Carolyn] People are going to love that.
[Diane] Yeah. Everyone loves a baby.
503
00:24:37,226 --> 00:24:40,854
♪ I'm a dolphin doll face
Bitches in my crawlspace ♪
504
00:24:40,938 --> 00:24:42,690
♪ Have abortions sometimes? ♪
505
00:24:42,773 --> 00:24:45,192
♪ No, I'mma have abortions always ♪
506
00:24:45,275 --> 00:24:48,070
♪ Get that fetus, kill that fetus
Get that fetus, kill that fetus ♪
507
00:24:48,153 --> 00:24:52,157
♪ Brrap brrap pew pew
Brrap brrap pew pew ♪
508
00:24:52,574 --> 00:24:57,162
♪ And sometimes I do have doubts
and its hard to sleep ♪
509
00:24:57,246 --> 00:24:58,455
Tell it!
510
00:24:58,539 --> 00:25:04,962
♪ I think about my child's heartbeat
and oh, it makes me weep ♪
511
00:25:05,045 --> 00:25:11,301
♪ I hope and pray to God
my little fetus has a soul ♪
512
00:25:11,385 --> 00:25:16,974
♪ Because I want it to feel pain
when I eject it from my hole ♪
513
00:25:17,933 --> 00:25:19,685
Brrap brrap brrap brrap!
514
00:25:19,768 --> 00:25:22,312
[dolphin squeaking]
515
00:25:23,230 --> 00:25:26,442
Boxer vs. Raptor,
♪ Na-na na-na na-na na-na! ♪