1 00:00:09,985 --> 00:00:13,821 As your accountant, I felt it necessary to do this in person. 2 00:00:13,822 --> 00:00:16,574 Us, too. Because we're really accounting on you... 3 00:00:16,575 --> 00:00:18,742 - No. - to get in on the ground floor of this... 4 00:00:18,743 --> 00:00:20,453 No, don't do this. Please, God, no. 5 00:00:20,454 --> 00:00:21,663 ...PB Livin' product. 6 00:00:21,664 --> 00:00:23,998 Has this ever happened to you? 7 00:00:23,999 --> 00:00:27,210 Whatever it is, it hasn't happened. Nothing has ever happened to me. 8 00:00:27,211 --> 00:00:30,421 - You say you love a toasted bagel. - I would never say that. 9 00:00:30,422 --> 00:00:33,734 - I have celiac disease. - Ding. Bagel's ready. 10 00:00:33,758 --> 00:00:35,426 - But wait. - Son of a... 11 00:00:35,427 --> 00:00:37,970 - Hey. That bagel was too fast. - No. 12 00:00:37,971 --> 00:00:41,432 That's why PB Livin' presents, the Bagel Catcher. 13 00:00:41,433 --> 00:00:44,602 - For all those hard-to-catch bagels. - No, no. Stop. Enough. Enough. 14 00:00:44,603 --> 00:00:46,937 Stop talking! I can't take it anymore! 15 00:00:46,938 --> 00:00:48,939 PB Livin' is filing for bankruptcy. 16 00:00:48,940 --> 00:00:52,151 - I'm shutting you down. - I thought you were a customer. 17 00:00:52,152 --> 00:00:53,695 I don't get what's happening. 18 00:00:53,696 --> 00:00:56,864 What's happening is you two knuckleheads threw thousands of dollars 19 00:00:56,865 --> 00:00:58,700 into a bunch of dumb ideas. 20 00:00:58,701 --> 00:01:02,412 You paid 50 grand to a bunch of kindergartners 21 00:01:02,413 --> 00:01:04,788 for the movie rights to the game "tag." 22 00:01:04,789 --> 00:01:07,083 Our business manager was over the moon for that. 23 00:01:07,084 --> 00:01:09,793 Business manager? Who the hell is your business manager? 24 00:01:09,794 --> 00:01:14,441 Business-wise, this all seems like appropriate business. 25 00:01:14,466 --> 00:01:16,092 You two are done. 26 00:01:16,093 --> 00:01:20,346 This company is more in the red than Carrie on prom night. 27 00:01:20,347 --> 00:01:25,309 So, what you're saying is, we're just one great idea away from breaking even? 28 00:01:25,310 --> 00:01:27,771 No. You're... [grunts] You are out of money. 29 00:01:27,772 --> 00:01:31,482 Mr. Peanutbutter, you need to get a job. 30 00:01:31,483 --> 00:01:34,919 - Are you hiring at your accounting firm? - Dude, no. 31 00:01:39,157 --> 00:01:41,951 I'm waiting for my agent. He'll be with me any moment. 32 00:01:41,952 --> 00:01:44,722 Mr. Peanutbutter is going back to work. 33 00:01:44,996 --> 00:01:48,874 Yeah. He's probably just organizing all the amazing opportunities. 34 00:01:48,875 --> 00:01:52,563 I haven't heard from him in years, so they've probably been piling up. 35 00:01:53,213 --> 00:01:55,649 Maybe I should just go check on him. 36 00:01:55,674 --> 00:01:56,591 [knocking on door] 37 00:01:56,592 --> 00:02:00,261 Hello, Ronnie? It's your favorite client, Mr. Peanutbutter. 38 00:02:00,262 --> 00:02:03,013 Well, I'm coming in. I hope you're... Oh! Oh, my God. 39 00:02:03,014 --> 00:02:05,015 Ronnie, how'd you get that belt around your neck, 40 00:02:05,016 --> 00:02:07,685 then caught on the filing cabinet, which made your pants fall down 41 00:02:07,686 --> 00:02:11,748 while you were researching pornograph... Oh, I see what happened here. 42 00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:16,503 [♪♪] 43 00:03:07,078 --> 00:03:08,454 [upbeat theme music playing] 44 00:03:08,455 --> 00:03:10,038 [in unison] Morning time, Hollywoo. 45 00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:13,334 - I'm A Ryan Seacrest Type. - And I'm Some Lady. 46 00:03:13,335 --> 00:03:14,960 Here's a thing written on a card. 47 00:03:14,961 --> 00:03:19,357 Last night, major Hollywoo agent Ronnie Bonito was found dead in his office... 48 00:03:19,424 --> 00:03:20,382 Ruh-roh. 49 00:03:20,384 --> 00:03:23,969 ...in what authorities are calling a mishap of a sexual nature. 50 00:03:23,970 --> 00:03:28,391 - What does that mean? - You know, auto-erotic asphyxiation. 51 00:03:28,392 --> 00:03:30,226 Auto-a-what's it who's it? 52 00:03:30,227 --> 00:03:33,145 Oh, is that that thing where you strangle yourself 53 00:03:33,146 --> 00:03:35,857 in an attempt to heighten sexual arousal? 54 00:03:35,858 --> 00:03:37,668 It sure is. 55 00:03:38,193 --> 00:03:40,069 [hosts laughing on TV] 56 00:03:40,070 --> 00:03:43,531 Coming up, a food truck that serves just one thing: gravy. 57 00:03:43,532 --> 00:03:45,199 Did you hear that? New food truck. 58 00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:46,743 - We should go. - I'm in. 59 00:03:46,744 --> 00:03:49,328 Hey, can I get some lunch money? It's pizza day today. 60 00:03:49,329 --> 00:03:51,622 Sure thing, sport. Wait, where is it pizza day? 61 00:03:51,623 --> 00:03:53,332 - In my tummy. - Oh... 62 00:03:53,333 --> 00:03:56,419 Hey, BoJack, would you zip me up? My shoulder is killing me. 63 00:03:56,420 --> 00:03:59,714 I'm not sleeping right. We need to do something about that bed. 64 00:03:59,715 --> 00:04:02,484 Just because I'm nocturnal doesn't mean I wanna be up all night. 65 00:04:02,509 --> 00:04:05,177 - I propped it up with a Golden Globe. - It still wobbles. 66 00:04:05,178 --> 00:04:07,346 - Yeah. Anyway, I got you something. - Oh. 67 00:04:07,347 --> 00:04:10,391 A beeper? BoJack, it's great, but you know, I already have one. 68 00:04:10,392 --> 00:04:12,602 Yeah, you have a beeper, but I don't. 69 00:04:12,603 --> 00:04:15,145 Now, you can page me whenever you want. 70 00:04:15,146 --> 00:04:18,942 Huh. BoJack, I love it, and you're gonna love it, too. 71 00:04:18,943 --> 00:04:21,068 There's all kinds of codes we can send each other. 72 00:04:21,069 --> 00:04:22,986 "Zero, zero, zero" is "call me," 73 00:04:22,987 --> 00:04:27,450 and "1-2-3" is "I miss you" and "8-0-0-8-5" is boobs. 74 00:04:27,451 --> 00:04:29,619 What? Boobs? Oh, my God. 75 00:04:29,620 --> 00:04:31,346 What scamp came up with that one? 76 00:04:31,371 --> 00:04:33,122 Okay, I gotta go. Dinner tonight? 77 00:04:33,123 --> 00:04:35,792 Totally. Let's hit that gravy truck. 78 00:04:35,793 --> 00:04:37,936 Okay, love you. 79 00:04:38,044 --> 00:04:39,270 Uh... 80 00:04:39,630 --> 00:04:40,939 Uh... 81 00:04:42,257 --> 00:04:43,901 No, I don't. 82 00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:48,112 Aw... "I love you. No, I don't"? 83 00:04:49,514 --> 00:04:51,933 Uh... Keys. 84 00:04:51,934 --> 00:04:53,100 Uh-oh. 85 00:04:53,101 --> 00:04:54,745 [grunting] 86 00:04:58,565 --> 00:04:59,523 [girl cries] 87 00:04:59,524 --> 00:05:01,043 Get out. 88 00:05:01,777 --> 00:05:02,711 [BoJack yells] 89 00:05:04,905 --> 00:05:06,071 [tires screeching] 90 00:05:06,072 --> 00:05:07,632 [cars crash] 91 00:05:12,329 --> 00:05:14,681 Hold it. Hold the elevator. 92 00:05:14,790 --> 00:05:17,768 Ooh. Ah. Ee. Ow. 93 00:05:17,876 --> 00:05:19,877 Goddam it. No. No. Ow. 94 00:05:19,878 --> 00:05:22,296 Oh. Ow. Oh... 95 00:05:22,297 --> 00:05:24,858 Coffee? Hup. 96 00:05:24,883 --> 00:05:27,510 Rutabaga, this day already sucks. 97 00:05:27,511 --> 00:05:29,929 My heel broke while I was at this new food truck, 98 00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:32,181 and I spilled a handful of gravy all over myself 99 00:05:32,182 --> 00:05:35,392 because they don't sell bowls, just gravy. 100 00:05:35,393 --> 00:05:38,521 Should've gone to the bowl truck first. That's where they get you. 101 00:05:38,522 --> 00:05:41,190 Well, I guess the upside to being invisible around here 102 00:05:41,191 --> 00:05:44,568 is that none of these assholes will ever notice what a mess I am. 103 00:05:44,569 --> 00:05:47,196 Well, if it makes you feel any better, I see what a mess you are. 104 00:05:47,197 --> 00:05:48,590 [chuckles] Aw... 105 00:05:48,699 --> 00:05:50,574 Do you need the movie-star speech? 106 00:05:50,575 --> 00:05:53,786 No, no, I'll be okay. And how are you? 107 00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:55,746 Gotta look at paint for the new kitchen. 108 00:05:55,747 --> 00:05:58,415 I have to pick a shade that won't clash with the splatter of blood 109 00:05:58,416 --> 00:06:00,960 from when I blow my brains out after talking to Katie 110 00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:04,106 about paint swatches all day. [laughs] 111 00:06:04,214 --> 00:06:05,857 We do have fun. 112 00:06:10,054 --> 00:06:13,180 So, what's the plan for today? Find a new agent, go on auditions? 113 00:06:13,181 --> 00:06:17,894 No, I'm gonna do exactly what landed me Mr. Peanutbutter's House, oh, so long ago. 114 00:06:17,895 --> 00:06:20,063 Wander around L.A. with an open mind 115 00:06:20,064 --> 00:06:22,523 and an empty stomach until I get discovered. 116 00:06:22,524 --> 00:06:25,359 But also, like, find a new agent and go on auditions, right? 117 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:27,444 Or should I start stealing food from work? 118 00:06:27,445 --> 00:06:30,823 I'm just gonna go with the flow and leave everything up to destiny. 119 00:06:30,824 --> 00:06:34,368 - Que sera quesadilla. - You know we could lose the house, right? 120 00:06:34,369 --> 00:06:36,346 - [laughs] Diane. - Right? 121 00:06:36,371 --> 00:06:38,539 Diane, Diane, Diane. 122 00:06:38,540 --> 00:06:40,391 [door opens then closes] 123 00:06:48,717 --> 00:06:49,651 - Diane. - Aah! 124 00:06:49,676 --> 00:06:52,595 I wasn't stealing paper towels to use as dinner napkins. Why? 125 00:06:52,596 --> 00:06:54,179 Here's a funny question for you: 126 00:06:54,180 --> 00:06:56,640 If Mr. Peanutbutter said, "I love you. No, I don't," 127 00:06:56,641 --> 00:07:00,019 would you need to talk about that later and figure out what he meant? 128 00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:02,772 Probably not, right? Because they're meaningless words? 129 00:07:02,773 --> 00:07:04,440 I mean, language evolves, right? 130 00:07:04,441 --> 00:07:06,358 How can anyone know what anything means? 131 00:07:06,359 --> 00:07:08,694 The answer is nobody can. Nothing means anything. 132 00:07:08,695 --> 00:07:10,571 So why bother talking about anything? 133 00:07:10,572 --> 00:07:13,657 In this scenario, are Mr. Peanutbutter and I living in our house? 134 00:07:13,658 --> 00:07:17,286 Or are we squatting in an abandoned Barnes & Noble burning books to keep warm 135 00:07:17,287 --> 00:07:19,789 as we struggle through our Dickensian-style poverty? 136 00:07:19,790 --> 00:07:20,706 Uh... 137 00:07:20,707 --> 00:07:22,017 [beeper plays ringtone] 138 00:07:22,126 --> 00:07:24,543 "Zero, zero, zero." No idea what that means. 139 00:07:24,544 --> 00:07:26,087 I think it means "call me." 140 00:07:26,088 --> 00:07:28,422 Ignore. Wait, where's the ignore button? 141 00:07:28,423 --> 00:07:29,757 How do I ignore? 142 00:07:29,758 --> 00:07:32,318 I think with a beeper, you just ignore it. 143 00:07:32,343 --> 00:07:35,387 - With what, my mind? - You seem a little stressed out. 144 00:07:35,388 --> 00:07:37,640 That's because as soon as I'm done with work, 145 00:07:37,641 --> 00:07:39,725 I have to have a long, awkward conversation 146 00:07:39,726 --> 00:07:44,229 with Wanda about our relationship, unless... I'm never done with work. 147 00:07:44,230 --> 00:07:47,417 Diane, you magnificent bastard. That's it. 148 00:07:53,448 --> 00:07:55,032 I'll be out there in the stands. 149 00:07:55,033 --> 00:07:57,052 And I'll be rooting for you, Secretariat. 150 00:07:57,368 --> 00:08:00,346 Mm. Yeah. 151 00:08:02,248 --> 00:08:04,142 [groans] 152 00:08:04,250 --> 00:08:06,794 Your line is, "And I'll see you at the finish line." 153 00:08:06,795 --> 00:08:10,756 Yeah, I know. I'm acting. Great. Now I gotta start all over. 154 00:08:10,757 --> 00:08:13,151 Settle in, folks. We could be here a while. 155 00:08:13,301 --> 00:08:14,819 [groans] 156 00:08:16,763 --> 00:08:19,015 - Ow! Ooh. - Ah, Princess Carolyn. 157 00:08:19,016 --> 00:08:21,684 So good of you to join us eventually. 158 00:08:21,685 --> 00:08:24,020 Sorry I'm late. I had the worst morning. 159 00:08:24,021 --> 00:08:26,480 You know who had an even "the worst-er" morning? 160 00:08:26,481 --> 00:08:29,566 - Ronnie Bonito. Because he's dead. - He is? 161 00:08:29,567 --> 00:08:31,902 He decided to strangle the dirty dangle 162 00:08:31,903 --> 00:08:35,656 and now that sweet chariot has come for to carry him home. 163 00:08:35,657 --> 00:08:38,885 Everyone who was here on time is taking a moment. 164 00:08:40,162 --> 00:08:41,954 - Of silence? - Yes. 165 00:08:41,955 --> 00:08:45,041 Also to reach out to his former clients. 166 00:08:45,042 --> 00:08:47,710 - To offer their condolences? - Yes. 167 00:08:47,711 --> 00:08:50,546 Also to recruit them to the Vigor roster. 168 00:08:50,547 --> 00:08:53,966 - A Vigor agent is a vigorous agent. - Who do you want me to call? 169 00:08:53,967 --> 00:08:57,988 I have ins with a bunch of Bonito's clients including all the major J's: 170 00:08:58,013 --> 00:09:02,058 - Law, Lo, Leno, and J. Abrams. - Oh, that's wonderful news 171 00:09:02,059 --> 00:09:05,435 in the parallel universe in which you were on time today. 172 00:09:05,436 --> 00:09:08,355 In this reality, however, we're all good. 173 00:09:08,356 --> 00:09:10,691 You can lap up the leftovers though. 174 00:09:10,692 --> 00:09:13,402 - "Mr. Peanutbutter"? - Oh, and Princess Carolyn? 175 00:09:13,403 --> 00:09:14,737 Get your shoe fixed. 176 00:09:14,738 --> 00:09:17,799 You look like a woman from an '80s deodorant commercial. 177 00:09:22,079 --> 00:09:23,930 [inhales sharply] 178 00:09:24,039 --> 00:09:28,101 Here I go. Destiny, don't fail me now. [grunts] 179 00:09:30,420 --> 00:09:32,546 Yeah. Hitting the pavement. 180 00:09:32,547 --> 00:09:35,025 This is how it happens for a guy like me. 181 00:09:41,056 --> 00:09:43,574 [grunts] Ew... 182 00:09:43,808 --> 00:09:45,869 Out of my way, flyer. 183 00:09:46,686 --> 00:09:50,773 Ugh. Flyer. Why do you have to be on my shoe in front of this store? 184 00:09:50,774 --> 00:09:53,358 Wait, a second. Shoe. 185 00:09:53,359 --> 00:09:55,069 Store. 186 00:09:55,070 --> 00:09:57,714 Shoe store? Shoe store. 187 00:09:57,781 --> 00:09:59,406 "Team players wanted"? 188 00:09:59,407 --> 00:10:01,491 Oh, I'm such a good team player, 189 00:10:01,492 --> 00:10:04,595 I make all the other team players look like garbage. 190 00:10:04,621 --> 00:10:07,932 Lady Footlocker, meet your lord. 191 00:10:12,921 --> 00:10:15,523 Finish... [grunts] 192 00:10:17,467 --> 00:10:19,194 line. 193 00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:22,221 Great, we got it. We got one take. 194 00:10:22,222 --> 00:10:23,973 And now we gotta stop for the day. 195 00:10:23,974 --> 00:10:25,266 What? No. Why stop now? 196 00:10:25,267 --> 00:10:29,019 - I'm just getting warmed up. - Union rules. We're done. Go home. 197 00:10:29,020 --> 00:10:30,271 Go home? 198 00:10:30,272 --> 00:10:34,233 Why go home when we could extend this long day's journey into night? 199 00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:36,902 - Drinks on me, folks. - I could use a drink. 200 00:10:36,903 --> 00:10:39,589 - Or six. - Great, Corduroy's driving. Let's go. 201 00:10:42,242 --> 00:10:43,260 [Corduroy] Ah... 202 00:10:43,367 --> 00:10:45,368 - I really needed this, BoJack. - Me, too. 203 00:10:45,369 --> 00:10:47,621 Yeah, man. This day's been really hard on me. 204 00:10:47,622 --> 00:10:50,874 Ever since I heard about that agent who died from that blue-face blastoff? 205 00:10:50,875 --> 00:10:52,876 - Blue-face blastoff? - The strokey chokey? 206 00:10:52,877 --> 00:10:54,377 - The two-neck squeeze? - What? 207 00:10:54,378 --> 00:10:56,672 You know, the one hand on the Adam's apple, 208 00:10:56,673 --> 00:10:58,841 the other one's on the Adam's banana? 209 00:10:58,842 --> 00:11:02,112 Oh, right. Right. Yeah. The auto-erotic... 210 00:11:02,137 --> 00:11:05,014 That could've been me. I used to really be into that stuff. 211 00:11:05,015 --> 00:11:06,598 I was a hardcore gasper. 212 00:11:06,599 --> 00:11:08,391 Can't believe you have so many names for it. 213 00:11:08,392 --> 00:11:10,144 Now I can't stop thinking about it. 214 00:11:10,145 --> 00:11:12,395 I shouldn't even be alive right now. 215 00:11:12,396 --> 00:11:14,148 Don't need to talk about how you masturbate. 216 00:11:14,149 --> 00:11:16,441 - The orgasms you get... - Okay, I guess we do. 217 00:11:16,442 --> 00:11:19,236 It's like seeing a rainbow, but with all the colors. 218 00:11:19,237 --> 00:11:21,947 - So, like a normal rainbow? - But it's too dangerous, man. 219 00:11:21,948 --> 00:11:25,159 They say if you bite down on a lemon right at the point of climax, 220 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:28,578 the lemon juice gives you the jolt you need to not pass out and die. 221 00:11:28,579 --> 00:11:32,833 But still man, you're just... rolling the dice. 222 00:11:32,834 --> 00:11:35,002 Okay, this is getting really graphic. 223 00:11:35,003 --> 00:11:36,795 Can we maybe talk about anything else? 224 00:11:36,796 --> 00:11:38,505 - Sure. - Thank God. 225 00:11:38,506 --> 00:11:43,153 Hey, man, it's funny you should mention God, because my new thing is... the Bible. 226 00:11:43,345 --> 00:11:44,261 Uh... 227 00:11:44,262 --> 00:11:48,598 Tell me, have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and personal savior? 228 00:11:48,599 --> 00:11:51,894 So, noose-wise, what are we talking? You use a standard sailor's knot 229 00:11:51,895 --> 00:11:53,913 or more like your average birthday-present bow? 230 00:11:58,902 --> 00:12:00,628 [grunting softly] 231 00:12:02,197 --> 00:12:03,113 [sighs] 232 00:12:03,114 --> 00:12:05,782 - I beeped you, BoJack. - Oh, hey. About this morning... 233 00:12:05,783 --> 00:12:07,784 - It's fine. - Because when I said that... 234 00:12:07,785 --> 00:12:10,162 I said it's fine. You don't love me. 235 00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:12,998 That's okay. I don't love you. 236 00:12:12,999 --> 00:12:15,601 - What? - Good night. 237 00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:18,170 [upbeat theme music playing] 238 00:12:18,171 --> 00:12:20,047 [in unison] Morning time, Hollywoo. 239 00:12:20,048 --> 00:12:23,217 - I'm A Ryan Seacrest Type. - And I'm Some Lady. 240 00:12:23,218 --> 00:12:26,321 On today's show, I sit down with Hank Hippopopalous 241 00:12:26,346 --> 00:12:29,723 to discuss his new smash hit, Hey, I Think You Can Dance. 242 00:12:29,724 --> 00:12:31,641 Can you talk about your process? 243 00:12:31,642 --> 00:12:33,894 When I see someone, and I think they can dance, 244 00:12:33,895 --> 00:12:36,855 I say, "Hey, I think you can dance." 245 00:12:36,856 --> 00:12:41,235 And when I think they can't dance, I say, "No, I don't think you can dance." 246 00:12:41,236 --> 00:12:44,047 - And that is pretty much it. - Fascinating. 247 00:12:44,989 --> 00:12:48,158 - So, last night when... - BoJack, it's not a big deal. 248 00:12:48,159 --> 00:12:50,077 You don't love me, I don't love you. 249 00:12:50,078 --> 00:12:52,329 We're having a good time. It's fine. 250 00:12:52,330 --> 00:12:54,497 Can't just say, "I don't love you" to someone. 251 00:12:54,498 --> 00:12:56,917 - You said it to me. - Yeah, but that was different. 252 00:12:56,918 --> 00:12:59,586 - How was that different? - Because you do love me. Right? 253 00:12:59,587 --> 00:13:01,297 - Like a little bit? - No. 254 00:13:01,298 --> 00:13:04,633 Uh, for what it's worth, I love both you guys. 255 00:13:04,634 --> 00:13:06,944 Shut up, Todd. Grown-ups are talking. 256 00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:13,392 Here you go, ma'am. 257 00:13:13,393 --> 00:13:15,227 [women laughing and chattering] 258 00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:19,106 Jessica Atkinson, come on down. 259 00:13:19,107 --> 00:13:20,417 Mr. Peanutbutter? 260 00:13:21,651 --> 00:13:25,321 Would you like to see what's in box number one or box number two? 261 00:13:25,322 --> 00:13:29,532 Either way, it's a brand-new pair of shoes! 262 00:13:29,533 --> 00:13:31,094 [women clapping and laughing] 263 00:13:33,288 --> 00:13:34,847 Oh. 264 00:13:35,039 --> 00:13:37,124 Hup. Carolyn. 265 00:13:37,125 --> 00:13:38,501 - Rutabaga... - Coffee? 266 00:13:38,502 --> 00:13:40,627 I was thinking about you last night 267 00:13:40,628 --> 00:13:44,423 while Katie and I were locked in a fascinating debate about counter granite. 268 00:13:44,424 --> 00:13:47,801 And what if I told you I used to work Ronnie Bonito's desk, 269 00:13:47,802 --> 00:13:50,863 and I happen to know that he had a client so hush-hush, 270 00:13:50,888 --> 00:13:55,267 - it wasn't even on the master list. - What? Who? Tell me. Whoa! 271 00:13:55,268 --> 00:13:56,185 [alarm ringing] 272 00:13:56,186 --> 00:14:00,689 Beloved novelist J.D. Salinger. What? 273 00:14:00,690 --> 00:14:02,941 The author of Catcher in the Rye? 274 00:14:02,942 --> 00:14:05,402 - And... others? - Yuh-huh. 275 00:14:05,403 --> 00:14:07,821 - Isn't he dead? - He's "reclusive." 276 00:14:07,822 --> 00:14:12,075 Dude wanted to be left alone so much, he faked his own death. 277 00:14:12,076 --> 00:14:13,369 Oh, my God. 278 00:14:13,370 --> 00:14:15,120 Why are you giving this lead to me? 279 00:14:15,121 --> 00:14:17,747 - Because I like you, dummy. - Huh. 280 00:14:17,748 --> 00:14:21,478 Now we gotta wait for the fire department to come let us out of this elevator. 281 00:14:26,132 --> 00:14:28,050 - Hey. - Corduroy, what are you doing here? 282 00:14:28,051 --> 00:14:30,302 I need a favor. Can you hold on to this for me? 283 00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:32,780 - Ew. Is this your Bible? - No, no, no. 284 00:14:32,805 --> 00:14:34,848 - It's my choking-off kit. - Your kit? 285 00:14:34,849 --> 00:14:36,308 Yeah. It has all my supplies. 286 00:14:36,309 --> 00:14:39,436 Silk ties, a leather gag, velvet sock. Lemon. 287 00:14:39,437 --> 00:14:42,523 You gotta take this off my hands. I can't trust myself with this. 288 00:14:42,524 --> 00:14:44,649 I don't know if I want your jack-off kit at my house. 289 00:14:44,650 --> 00:14:46,860 Please. I got this girlfriend. She loves me. 290 00:14:46,861 --> 00:14:50,155 If I fall back into the old gasp-and-goo, it'll break her heart. 291 00:14:50,156 --> 00:14:52,991 Wait. So, you're saying if someone loves you, 292 00:14:52,992 --> 00:14:55,702 they don't want you to choke yourself while masturbating? 293 00:14:55,703 --> 00:14:57,681 Yeah. It's really dangerous. 294 00:14:57,705 --> 00:14:59,789 - All right. I'll take it. - Thanks, BoJack. 295 00:14:59,790 --> 00:15:01,875 I still don't understand why you need a kit. 296 00:15:01,876 --> 00:15:03,936 Can't you just use, like, a belt or a rope? 297 00:15:03,961 --> 00:15:05,921 Oh, I guess. 298 00:15:05,922 --> 00:15:07,839 I mean, I guess you could use anything. 299 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:12,028 I mean, you could use an iPhone charger, a shoelace, a necktie, a jump-rope... 300 00:15:17,725 --> 00:15:19,494 [Carolyn] Hm... 301 00:15:22,688 --> 00:15:25,333 Oh. Ooh. 302 00:15:25,442 --> 00:15:28,485 - Oh, hello. I'm looking for some... - Sorry, no looking allowed. 303 00:15:28,486 --> 00:15:30,195 This store is for customers only. 304 00:15:30,196 --> 00:15:33,823 Okay, then, I would like to buy a bicycle. What would you recommend? 305 00:15:33,824 --> 00:15:35,951 - One with a bell, or...? - You got me. 306 00:15:35,952 --> 00:15:40,163 I don't know anything about bicycles. I'm J.D. Salinger. I faked my own death. 307 00:15:40,164 --> 00:15:44,960 Mr. Salinger. Such a pleasure. Princess Carolyn, big fan. 308 00:15:44,961 --> 00:15:46,962 Let me guess, Catcher in the Rye? 309 00:15:46,963 --> 00:15:48,797 And others. 310 00:15:48,798 --> 00:15:51,716 - I wanna say The Hobbi... - Nope. 311 00:15:51,717 --> 00:15:53,176 Look. I'm an agent. 312 00:15:53,177 --> 00:15:55,363 It doesn't matter whether I've read your work. 313 00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:59,475 What matters is I can look you in the eye and tell you I'm a big fan. 314 00:15:59,476 --> 00:16:02,478 The world is ready for your comeback, and I wanna help. 315 00:16:02,479 --> 00:16:03,937 No, thank you. Not interested. 316 00:16:03,938 --> 00:16:05,814 Did that before, didn't work out well. 317 00:16:05,815 --> 00:16:07,983 Fans were relentless. The critics were cruel. 318 00:16:07,984 --> 00:16:11,361 And that's why my motto is, "It's better to be alone." 319 00:16:11,362 --> 00:16:13,071 Which, come to think of it, 320 00:16:13,072 --> 00:16:15,740 is probably why I don't sell a lot of tandem bicycles. 321 00:16:15,741 --> 00:16:18,661 But, J.D. Salinger, you are J.D. Salinger. 322 00:16:18,662 --> 00:16:20,764 You are a goddamn American treasure. 323 00:16:20,788 --> 00:16:24,374 But every time I go out in the world, people hound me about my books. 324 00:16:24,375 --> 00:16:26,042 Well, book. 325 00:16:26,043 --> 00:16:29,087 What if I told you there was a place where no one reads books? 326 00:16:29,088 --> 00:16:30,339 I'm listening. 327 00:16:30,340 --> 00:16:33,509 A place where people only read headlines, lists and pictures. 328 00:16:33,510 --> 00:16:35,927 A place where people hate reading so much, 329 00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:39,616 they hire others to do it for them and don't even pay a living wage. 330 00:16:39,641 --> 00:16:42,559 What do you mean, like, modern reading slaves? 331 00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:43,852 Exactly. 332 00:16:43,853 --> 00:16:46,563 And all those modern reading slaves really wanna be doing 333 00:16:46,564 --> 00:16:50,192 is writing things that, one day, other people will also avoid reading. 334 00:16:50,193 --> 00:16:53,820 - Does such a place truly exist? - Come with me, J.D. Salinger. 335 00:16:53,821 --> 00:16:55,715 Let's go to Hollywoo. 336 00:17:02,121 --> 00:17:03,264 Hup! 337 00:17:04,541 --> 00:17:07,602 Oh... [sighs] 338 00:17:07,711 --> 00:17:09,002 - Hey. - Hey. 339 00:17:09,003 --> 00:17:10,753 - We need to talk. - Okay. 340 00:17:10,754 --> 00:17:13,923 You're probably wondering what this beautiful mahogany box is. 341 00:17:13,924 --> 00:17:17,344 - I wasn't wondering that. - It's my auto-erotic asphyxiation kit. 342 00:17:17,345 --> 00:17:19,823 I've decided to do the funky Spider-Man. 343 00:17:19,847 --> 00:17:22,641 - What? Funky Spider-Man? - I came up with that one myself. 344 00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:24,560 Because he hangs, then he shoots webbing. 345 00:17:24,561 --> 00:17:28,355 Wait. Are you saying you want to auto-erotic asphyxiate yourself? 346 00:17:28,356 --> 00:17:29,690 Yes. I do. 347 00:17:29,691 --> 00:17:31,316 Even though it's very dangerous 348 00:17:31,317 --> 00:17:33,002 - and I could die. - Oh. 349 00:17:33,069 --> 00:17:36,279 Now, if you love me, you probably wouldn't want me to do it. 350 00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:39,575 - Okay. I get it. - Since you don't, I should do it, right? 351 00:17:39,576 --> 00:17:42,578 I mean, there's no reason not to... unless you love me. 352 00:17:42,579 --> 00:17:44,120 - Do it. - Wait. Seriously? 353 00:17:44,121 --> 00:17:45,872 Seems like you've already made up your mind. 354 00:17:45,873 --> 00:17:48,041 If you're that set on it, knock yourself out. 355 00:17:48,042 --> 00:17:50,753 [laughs] Only if I do it wrong. 356 00:17:50,754 --> 00:17:53,463 Because as I mentioned before, it's very dangerous. 357 00:17:53,464 --> 00:17:55,882 - Have fun. - I'm serious. I'm really gonna do it. 358 00:17:55,883 --> 00:17:59,278 Great. Put a towel down. Not one of the good ones. 359 00:17:59,387 --> 00:18:00,655 [upbeat theme music playing] 360 00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:02,639 [in unison] Morning time, Hollywoo. 361 00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:04,474 I'm A Ryan Seacrest Type. 362 00:18:04,475 --> 00:18:07,911 And I'm An Actress Or Something, I don't know, sitting in for Some Lady. 363 00:18:07,937 --> 00:18:10,606 - Whoa. What happened to her? - She got kidnapped. 364 00:18:10,607 --> 00:18:12,124 Oh, boy. 365 00:18:12,191 --> 00:18:15,527 [laughs] Oh, my. Ooh, wow. 366 00:18:15,528 --> 00:18:18,821 Oh, hey. Look who survived to masturbate another day. 367 00:18:18,822 --> 00:18:20,699 Well, I didn't do it yet, obviously. 368 00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:22,618 If I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna go all out. 369 00:18:22,619 --> 00:18:25,662 A big job like that needs lumber, and pulleys, lemons, so forth. 370 00:18:25,663 --> 00:18:29,082 I'm not gonna half-ass anything. This is my orgasm we're talking about. 371 00:18:29,083 --> 00:18:31,376 Okay. Well, I wish you all the best. 372 00:18:31,377 --> 00:18:33,754 - Not too late to stop me. - I'm not gonna stop you. 373 00:18:33,755 --> 00:18:36,005 - Good 'cause don't. - All right, we're in agreement. 374 00:18:36,006 --> 00:18:37,507 Stop fighting! 375 00:18:37,508 --> 00:18:39,676 Can't you two see what this is doing to me? 376 00:18:39,677 --> 00:18:42,154 I've been acting out. [grunts] 377 00:18:43,180 --> 00:18:44,574 Have a great day. 378 00:18:44,848 --> 00:18:46,308 Todd? Get in the car. 379 00:18:46,309 --> 00:18:49,269 It's time to get serious about auto-erotic asphyxiation. 380 00:18:49,270 --> 00:18:52,665 Hooray! Question mark? 381 00:18:55,901 --> 00:18:59,529 Just play it cool, Todd. No one needs to know why we're here. 382 00:18:59,530 --> 00:19:02,907 Excuse me, I'm looking for something that will hold up a lot of weight. 383 00:19:02,908 --> 00:19:06,829 Let's say something that could hoist up a horse comfortably by the neck. 384 00:19:06,830 --> 00:19:09,289 Not for suicide purposes. 385 00:19:09,290 --> 00:19:12,101 I'm trying to have a more fulfilling orgasm. 386 00:19:15,045 --> 00:19:18,841 The world wept when news broke that J.D. Salinger died. 387 00:19:18,842 --> 00:19:22,820 - [gasps] J.D. Salinger died? - But I'm here to tell you, he didn't die. 388 00:19:22,886 --> 00:19:24,739 [gasps] J.D. Salinger didn't die? 389 00:19:24,764 --> 00:19:27,808 As one of the 20th century's most celebrated authors, 390 00:19:27,809 --> 00:19:30,853 J.D. Salinger has inspired countless dreamers, 391 00:19:30,854 --> 00:19:33,146 eighth graders and occasionally, assassins. 392 00:19:33,147 --> 00:19:36,274 His spare lyricism and devotion to character 393 00:19:36,275 --> 00:19:40,069 will undoubtedly translate into a penetrating dramatic work for this, 394 00:19:40,070 --> 00:19:42,322 the golden age of television writing. 395 00:19:42,323 --> 00:19:44,199 J.D. Take it away. 396 00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:48,662 I wanna do a show where people ask celebrities trivia questions. 397 00:19:48,663 --> 00:19:50,246 - What? - Like a game show? 398 00:19:50,247 --> 00:19:52,666 Yeah. You know because since they're famous people, 399 00:19:52,667 --> 00:19:55,960 I think normal people would wanna see if they know trivia and stuff. 400 00:19:55,961 --> 00:19:59,798 You know, like, Hollywoo stars and celebrities, what do they know? 401 00:19:59,799 --> 00:20:01,966 Do they know things? Let's find out. 402 00:20:01,967 --> 00:20:05,637 What a hoot. I love it, and I don't use that word with just anybody. 403 00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:06,656 What do you call it? 404 00:20:06,681 --> 00:20:10,141 I call it Hollywoo Stars and Celebrities: What Do They Know? 405 00:20:10,142 --> 00:20:12,394 Do They Know Things? Let's Find Out. 406 00:20:12,395 --> 00:20:14,187 It's maybe more of a working title. 407 00:20:14,188 --> 00:20:16,064 I can see it on the marquee already. 408 00:20:16,065 --> 00:20:17,900 - Must be a long marquee. - It's long. 409 00:20:17,901 --> 00:20:20,861 Yeah, yeah. The celebrities can also do physical challenges. 410 00:20:20,862 --> 00:20:21,778 Oh, it's perfect. 411 00:20:21,779 --> 00:20:25,073 We've been searching for a companion for Hey, I Think You Can Dance. 412 00:20:25,074 --> 00:20:27,551 But wait, wait one second. Who's gonna host? 413 00:20:27,869 --> 00:20:30,579 Huh. I've got the perfect guy. 414 00:20:30,580 --> 00:20:33,891 Who wants to be in Nike Airs? 415 00:20:34,083 --> 00:20:37,669 Claire, you are looking off the charts "gorge" in those tennis shoes. 416 00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:41,524 But let me ask you this: Would you like to buy a towel? 417 00:20:41,758 --> 00:20:44,342 Because I'm throwing one in for free. 418 00:20:44,343 --> 00:20:46,302 - He's perfect. - [Wanda] Mm-hm. 419 00:20:46,303 --> 00:20:47,763 Mr. Peanutbutter? 420 00:20:47,764 --> 00:20:52,869 How would you like to be the host of J.D. Salinger's new celebrity game show? 421 00:20:52,894 --> 00:20:56,229 What? I knew destiny had a plan for me. 422 00:20:56,230 --> 00:20:58,147 You know, it just goes to show, 423 00:20:58,148 --> 00:21:00,943 with the right attitude, every single one of your dreams 424 00:21:00,944 --> 00:21:02,569 will always come true. 425 00:21:02,570 --> 00:21:04,279 And if your dreams don't come true, 426 00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:08,175 it's probably because you just didn't have the right attitude. 427 00:21:10,494 --> 00:21:15,039 Today, one agent did something that no one else could. 428 00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:18,061 I'll give you two hints: catcher and rye. 429 00:21:18,085 --> 00:21:20,002 Oh. Nothing. It's nothing. 430 00:21:20,003 --> 00:21:24,173 Charley Witherspoon caught a rye bagel coming out of the toaster. 431 00:21:24,174 --> 00:21:27,218 - Come again? - It was coming fast and hot. 432 00:21:27,219 --> 00:21:30,990 One day, some genius will invent some sort of bagel catcher 433 00:21:31,014 --> 00:21:33,057 that takes the guesswork out of this task, 434 00:21:33,058 --> 00:21:36,311 but until then, Charley gets a gold star. 435 00:21:36,312 --> 00:21:40,708 - Thanks, Dad. I mean, Mr. Dad. - Oh... 436 00:21:44,904 --> 00:21:46,154 Oh, boy. 437 00:21:46,155 --> 00:21:47,990 Hey. Wasn't sure if I'd see you. 438 00:21:47,991 --> 00:21:51,576 Still alive? Because auto-erotic asphyxiation is so risky? 439 00:21:51,577 --> 00:21:53,244 Well, here I am, for now. 440 00:21:53,245 --> 00:21:55,956 BoJack... Wait. Did you fix the bed? 441 00:21:55,957 --> 00:21:57,624 Yeah. I was at the hardware store 442 00:21:57,625 --> 00:22:01,043 picking up supplies for my auto-erotic asphyxiation machine. 443 00:22:01,044 --> 00:22:02,378 Because, as you are aware, 444 00:22:02,379 --> 00:22:05,632 I'm preparing to auto-erotic asphyxiate myself. 445 00:22:05,633 --> 00:22:09,636 Figured I'd get stuff for the bed so you could at least get a good night's sleep. 446 00:22:09,637 --> 00:22:11,554 Okay, BoJack. 447 00:22:11,555 --> 00:22:13,657 Wanna talk about the elephant in the room? 448 00:22:13,724 --> 00:22:17,059 Wow. Okay. You know what? 449 00:22:17,060 --> 00:22:19,729 You know what? Here's... First of all... 450 00:22:19,730 --> 00:22:24,108 Wow. All right, I can't even... [groans] 451 00:22:24,109 --> 00:22:26,862 You know what? I... [scoffs] 452 00:22:26,863 --> 00:22:27,797 Wow. 453 00:22:27,905 --> 00:22:29,698 He is never gonna forget that. 454 00:22:29,699 --> 00:22:30,949 What is this all about? 455 00:22:30,950 --> 00:22:33,886 This isn't about anything but the pursuit of the kind of orgasm 456 00:22:33,911 --> 00:22:36,162 that feels like a rainbow with every color. 457 00:22:36,163 --> 00:22:37,831 - So, a regular rainbow. - No. 458 00:22:37,832 --> 00:22:40,750 So, if you don't mind, as long as you don't love me, 459 00:22:40,751 --> 00:22:43,169 I have a noose to step into. [clears throat] 460 00:22:43,170 --> 00:22:45,129 I just need to release this lever, 461 00:22:45,130 --> 00:22:47,632 drop these bags of sand, which act as counterweights, 462 00:22:47,633 --> 00:22:50,134 and then just pull this nozzle. 463 00:22:50,135 --> 00:22:52,721 - Perfect. - Okay. Have fun. 464 00:22:52,722 --> 00:22:56,993 - Wait, Wanda. [grunting and choking] - Okay, fine, you stupid baby. 465 00:22:57,018 --> 00:22:58,368 I love you. 466 00:22:58,936 --> 00:23:01,771 I... [coughs] I knew it. 467 00:23:01,772 --> 00:23:05,292 But I'm not going to tell you not to do the funky Spider-Man. 468 00:23:05,317 --> 00:23:08,319 - [coughs] What? - You need to be responsible for yourself. 469 00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:10,196 - That doesn't sound like me. - I know. 470 00:23:10,197 --> 00:23:13,199 But if you love me, too, you won't do it. 471 00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:16,470 [gasps then grunts] 472 00:23:17,663 --> 00:23:19,081 - I thought so. - Okay. 473 00:23:19,082 --> 00:23:22,542 Just for the record, I never really wanted to do this in the first place, 474 00:23:22,543 --> 00:23:24,711 Me not doing it is not a sign that I love you. 475 00:23:24,712 --> 00:23:26,963 - It's just because I'm a coward. - [chuckles] Okay. 476 00:23:26,964 --> 00:23:28,673 - I don't love you. - Sure, you don't. 477 00:23:28,674 --> 00:23:31,217 I don't. Come back here. I don't love you. 478 00:23:31,218 --> 00:23:33,362 You don't make me feel less broken. 479 00:23:37,016 --> 00:23:37,974 I don't get it. 480 00:23:37,975 --> 00:23:42,603 I singlehandedly got a Lady Footlocker store employee a primetime show 481 00:23:42,605 --> 00:23:47,025 and resurrected a certified dead man and nobody cared. 482 00:23:47,026 --> 00:23:49,837 - Why do I do anything? - [Rutabaga over phone] Hey. 483 00:23:50,195 --> 00:23:52,048 Do you need the movie star speech? 484 00:23:52,155 --> 00:23:54,032 [sighs] Yeah. 485 00:23:54,033 --> 00:23:57,744 Okay. Carolyn, you are the star of a movie. 486 00:23:57,745 --> 00:24:00,747 This is the part of the movie where you get your heart broken. 487 00:24:00,748 --> 00:24:03,708 Where the world tests you, and people treat you like shit. 488 00:24:03,709 --> 00:24:05,376 But it has to happen this way. 489 00:24:05,377 --> 00:24:06,962 Otherwise, the end of the movie, 490 00:24:06,963 --> 00:24:10,172 when you get everything you want, won't feel as rewarding. 491 00:24:10,173 --> 00:24:14,218 There are assholes out there, but in the end, they don't matter. 492 00:24:14,219 --> 00:24:16,512 Because this movie's not about them. 493 00:24:16,513 --> 00:24:18,140 It's never been about them. 494 00:24:18,141 --> 00:24:21,869 All this time, the movie's been about you. 495 00:24:21,894 --> 00:24:23,204 Thanks. 496 00:24:24,563 --> 00:24:27,565 - Carolyn? - Yes, Rutabaga? 497 00:24:27,566 --> 00:24:30,961 I think Katie and I are getting a divorce. 498 00:24:31,988 --> 00:24:34,697 Corduroy? I don't want this thing anymore. 499 00:24:34,698 --> 00:24:36,449 Corduroy? 500 00:24:36,450 --> 00:24:37,742 Hey, you decent, man? 501 00:24:37,743 --> 00:24:39,053 [gasps] 502 00:24:39,703 --> 00:24:41,430 Oh, sweet Jesus. 503 00:24:41,692 --> 00:24:47,293 Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com. 504 00:24:47,294 --> 00:24:48,854 ♪ I was in a very famous TV show ♪ 505 00:24:50,798 --> 00:24:53,257 - ♪ I'm BoJack the Horse ♪ - ♪ BoJack! ♪ 506 00:24:53,258 --> 00:24:57,571 ♪ BoJack the Horse Don't act like you don't know ♪ 507 00:25:00,141 --> 00:25:04,411 ♪ And I'm trying to hold on to my past ♪ 508 00:25:04,436 --> 00:25:09,398 ♪ It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last ♪ 509 00:25:09,399 --> 00:25:13,235 ♪ I guess I'll just try And make you understand ♪ 510 00:25:13,236 --> 00:25:17,323 ♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪ 511 00:25:17,324 --> 00:25:21,344 ♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪ 512 00:25:21,370 --> 00:25:22,638 ♪ BoJack! ♪ 513 00:25:26,375 --> 00:25:29,436 Boxer versus raptor. Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na.