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1x05 - "Live Fast, Diane Nguyen"
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Come on!
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Oh, is it this guy?
Never travel without it.
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Stop holding up the line, idiot!
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It's not his fault.
He's just doing his job.
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It's your fault, dummy.
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I'm sorry, sir, no
liquid over three ounces.
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This is Pappy Van Winkle, friend.
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Do you know how old this bourbon is?
If this was a person,
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I would've stopped having
sex with it a year ago.
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- I'm sorry, sir.
- Do you know who I am?
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Come on.
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I'm actually a huge celebrity
on my way to New York
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for an important meeting
with a book publisher,
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who wants to publish a book
about me because I am famous.
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- That's not...
- Fine, you want me to dance?
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I'll dance.
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Give me ten seconds, Diane.
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This guy's being a total fascist.
Diane?
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- Diane?
- Over here, BoJack.
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How'd you get through so fast?
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I followed the basic
requirements for air travel
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that have been in place for over a decade.
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- Ugh, weird.
- Sir, whoever you are, please...
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Really?
You've never heard of my TV show?
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You know very well who I am.
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And now if you'll excuse
me, I'm going to New York.
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Ah, no.
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- More?
- Come on!
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Oh, you know what?
Could be this.
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Oh, my God, he's got a gun.
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Relax, it's a lighter.
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How much lighter fluid
can I take on the plane?
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And before you answer,
remember, I'm a celebrity.
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We're gonna need a full body cavity search.
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sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
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Thanks for coming to New York for this.
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Let's just say, it's better
for everyone's kneecaps
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if I stay out of
California for a little bit.
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Always nice to get a change
of scenery, am I right?
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I think the New York air's
been good for my health.
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I mean, I did find a lump,
but hey, who needs health insurance
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when you've got BoJack
Horseman writing a book, huh?
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How's it coming along?
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It's great. I'm pumping out
heartfelt anecdotes and witty
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observations left and right, and
this one is spinning it all into gold.
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Your telephone is ringing.
I'm Ira Glass.
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Thank you for being a sustaining
member of public radio.
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Everyone has a story,
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and your phone's story
is that it's ringing.
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- Excuse me. Hello?
- Hurry back, superstar.
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I don't think Diane's working out.
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- What? Why? Is Diane no good?
- She's too good.
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I don't know if Diane is
damaged enough to tell my story.
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She's so... functional.
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Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Horseman,
she's too functional.
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Why don't I just get on the phone
and call a less functional...
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What are you talking about?
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- This is a very bad time, BoJack!
- All right.
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You need to promise me that your book
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will be on the shelves and
making money by October!
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All right. Jesus.
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Uh-huh?
Uh-huh.
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Uh-huh.
Got it. Sorry I took so long.
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Who was that? The library?
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Thanking you for never
returning a book late?
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That was my brother Tommy.
My dad just died.
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Oh, my God.
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Did we talk about firming
up the release date?
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- I was thinking late September.
- I am so sorry.
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It's fine, he was old and also the worst.
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Such a terrible tragedy
really puts everything in perspective.
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Where does that leave us as
far as the book of it all?
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Not a problem.
I just got to swing by Boston
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and give my condolences real quick.
BoJack can come with me.
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We'll get some work done
while we're there, and then
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that way the whole trip won't
be a total waste of time.
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Great.
Call me if you need anything,
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but hang up after one ring,
and I'll call you back
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from the phone booth where
my wife and I are living.
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♪ Todd bless these scrambled eggs ♪
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♪ Eggs from the fridge ♪
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♪ Sunny side them
And guide them ♪
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Todd, stop singing
your dumb scrambled eggs song.
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Who said that?
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If you're wondering who said that,
it's this note that you're reading.
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You're hearing my voice in your head,
because that's how reading works.
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Oh, yeah.
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As you might've noticed,
Todd, I've left you home alone
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for the day, and frankly, I
already regret that decision.
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Here's what you need to do. Nothing.
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Don't touch my stuff,
and don't make a mess.
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Pick me up at the airport tomorrow,
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and until then, don't do anything.
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Well, seal's broken.
Might as well enjoy myself.
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Whee!
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Cheers to bath time.
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Great story, Todd. I love our friendship.
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Here we go!
The great Toddini!
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And here we have the home
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of a truly dynamic and unique talent,
TV's own David Boreanaz.
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Ohh!
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Sounds like we have some fans
of Person of Interest on board,
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or Castle, or whatever his show is.
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Sorry, dudes, you got the wrong house.
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Aww.
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Crikey, I would've paid $50 U.S.
to see where David Boreanaz lives.
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He's the American Hugh Jackman.
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- Oh, yeah, 50 bucks?
- He's so good in Burn Notice.
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What? 50 bucks?
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In that case, come on in, friends.
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Some guy named David Boreanaz lives here.
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Hooray!
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Hey, so listen,
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I really want to be here
for you in your time of need,
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but I'm not really good
with funerals or death
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or families or feelings or people.
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Don't worry. You can wait in the car.
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It's probably better you
don't meet my brothers.
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They're narrow-minded,
mean-spirited dirtbags.
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I wish I had brothers growing up.
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Touch football on the weekends,
noogie parades on the reg.
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Life as an only child
can get pretty lonely.
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Daddy, do you want to
meet my imaginary friend?
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Imaginary friends are freeloaders
invented by communists to rip-off welfare.
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Why don't you do something
productive, like bang your
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head against the wall until
your brain isn't so stupid?
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Okay, Daddy.
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Yeah, well, I was pretty
lonely, too. My family made my
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life miserable, and then they
never forgave me for leaving.
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So, what, you're like the black sheep?
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No, Gary's the black sheep.
He's adopted.
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I'm just the member of
the family nobody likes.
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And my dad was the worst of them all.
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You told me that you
and your father used to
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sit on the roof and look
at the stars together.
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Oh, yeah, I was just trying
to get you to open up,
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so I used an old writer's
trick called "me lying to you."
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Oh, yeah?
Well, I'm using an old me trick
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called "that hurts my feelings."
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And the truth is, I used to
sit alone on the hill out by the
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dump and dream of waking up as
Chelsea Clinton, but with my hair.
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- You do have great hair.
- I know.
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That's us.
I'll just pop in for a quick hi and bye.
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Then we'll be on our way.
Ten minutes, swear to God.
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You can play with this kaleidoscope
I got you at the airport.
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What? A kaleidoscope?
I'm not five...
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Shapes and colors the likes
of which I've never seen.
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Hello.
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Hey, yeah, Deedee came home!
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Gary, Marty, Artie, Deedee's back!
Come here!
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Game. Watching the game.
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Can't look up from the game.
How you doing?
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Marty, it's a game from '86.
You've seen it a hundred times.
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And how many times does
Buckner break your heart?
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100 times.
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Aw, thank
God you're here, Deedee.
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Pops is wicked departed.
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Oh, yeah, man. He departed so hard.
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And I do not like them apples, Deedee.
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Yo, Deedee, get me a beer.
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Yeah, make that two, Deedee.
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Gary, Marty, I just got home.
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Ooh, Princess Diane doesn't
want to get her brother a beer.
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Hey, Ma, come look what
the Pats dragged in.
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Oh, hello!
Look who decided to come home.
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Queen Deedee blesses us with her presence.
To what do I owe the honor?
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Look, I'm just here to
offer my condolences.
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Oh, sure, in and out, like
a Protestant on Christmas.
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Why would you want to stick around,
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be with your family in their time of need?
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- Come on, Ma.
- Don't fight while the game's on.
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- It's bad Juju.
- It's the '86 World Series.
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- They lose.
- Ah, why'd you have to...
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Oh, we're just a bunch of savages, right?
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We're not like your
fancy California friends.
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Your George Clooney and
your California Raisins.
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Oh, come off it, Ma.
She don't mean no harm.
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For five years she didn't come home.
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Why don't you make like A-Rod and blow.
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Well, this was clearly a huge mistake.
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Ah, don't go.
Deedee, please.
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Why not? Ma doesn't want me here.
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Ma don't know what she wants.
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She wants you here. We all do.
Ain't that right, Marty?
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Can't look up from the game.
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Besides, we need your help
organizing all the funeral stuff.
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We didn't go to college.
We're not smart like you.
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Fine, I'll help.
Is there a number for me to call?
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00:08:54,907 --> 00:08:57,492
Yeah, try
1-800-The-Internet, dummy.
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00:08:57,576 --> 00:08:59,286
Jeez, do some legwork, Dee.
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00:08:59,370 --> 00:09:01,747
And do it quick.
The ice is melting.
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00:09:01,830 --> 00:09:03,749
Oh, my God. Is that dad?
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00:09:03,832 --> 00:09:06,626
Did someone draw balls on his forehead?
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00:09:06,710 --> 00:09:08,421
That was before we knew he was dead.
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00:09:08,503 --> 00:09:10,381
We just thought he was wicked hung over.
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00:09:10,464 --> 00:09:15,469
In your face, Dad!
In your face forever.
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00:09:15,552 --> 00:09:19,932
Welcome to the
home of David Boreanaz,
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00:09:20,015 --> 00:09:21,767
famous from television shows
200
00:09:21,850 --> 00:09:26,063
such as dramas on networks.
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00:09:26,146 --> 00:09:27,898
That will be $50 please.
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00:09:27,981 --> 00:09:31,360
Oy, mate, this picture of
David Boreanaz fell apart.
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00:09:31,444 --> 00:09:33,900
Oh, no, no, no, I'll handle
that. Why don't you just
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00:09:33,901 --> 00:09:36,449
go look through David Boreanaz's
underwear drawer, okay?
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00:09:36,531 --> 00:09:39,201
- It's in his bedroom.
- Oh, knickers.
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00:09:39,285 --> 00:09:40,869
Hey, what do
you think you're doing?
207
00:09:40,953 --> 00:09:42,829
Uh-oh, am I reading something again?
208
00:09:42,913 --> 00:09:45,458
No, this is your conscience.
209
00:09:45,540 --> 00:09:48,043
BoJack trusted you to
take care of his house.
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00:09:48,127 --> 00:09:50,337
Is this really... What are you doing?
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00:09:54,716 --> 00:09:56,135
♪ Dun-dun-dun-dun ♪
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00:09:56,218 --> 00:09:57,594
♪ Dun-dun-dun... ♪
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00:09:57,677 --> 00:10:01,181
It's a great day on Todd's phone.
How can I help you?
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00:10:01,265 --> 00:10:02,891
Are you trying to cut me out
of this David Boreanaz deal?
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00:10:02,975 --> 00:10:04,435
I'm your agent, damn it.
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00:10:04,518 --> 00:10:06,312
How'd you find out about Boreanaz House?
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00:10:06,395 --> 00:10:08,188
Don't worry, I'm not just gonna sit here
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00:10:08,272 --> 00:10:10,274
batting a ball of yarn around
while you do the real work.
219
00:10:10,357 --> 00:10:13,319
I want to take your
project to the next level.
220
00:10:13,402 --> 00:10:15,112
We need to go bigger.
221
00:10:15,195 --> 00:10:17,364
Have you thought about attaching
Mila Kunis to this thing?
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00:10:17,448 --> 00:10:21,535
- Attach her? How?
- You do your job. I'll do mine.
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00:10:21,618 --> 00:10:23,662
Who is this?
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00:10:25,247 --> 00:10:27,500
Ah, out of combinations.
Now I'm bored.
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00:10:27,582 --> 00:10:29,918
Diaaaaane!
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00:10:31,753 --> 00:10:33,339
- You show me nothing...
- What do you want from me?
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00:10:33,422 --> 00:10:35,341
You have no right to barge
in here after five years
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00:10:35,424 --> 00:10:39,094
- and judge us, Diane.
- I'm just saying Marty could lend a hand
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00:10:39,178 --> 00:10:41,096
instead of sitting on the
couch watching the game all day.
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00:10:41,180 --> 00:10:45,017
- Ah, Deedee.
- You know very well his leg's still sore
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00:10:45,100 --> 00:10:46,768
from the accident at the quarry.
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00:10:46,852 --> 00:10:49,938
Yeah, he's got to rest up if he's
gonna be a wide receiver for B.C.
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00:10:50,022 --> 00:10:51,773
He didn't get into B.C.
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00:10:51,857 --> 00:10:53,775
Ah, what's the point of
getting off the couch anyway?
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00:10:53,859 --> 00:10:55,944
All the jobs are going
to immigrants these days.
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00:10:56,028 --> 00:10:57,946
What do you... We're immigrants.
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00:10:58,030 --> 00:10:59,948
- How do you figure?
- We're Vietnamese?
238
00:11:00,032 --> 00:11:02,409
Step off! We're American as fuck.
239
00:11:02,493 --> 00:11:03,910
And that's the same crap you always pull...
240
00:11:03,994 --> 00:11:06,872
What do you want from me?
Come on!
241
00:11:06,955 --> 00:11:09,875
Excuse me.
Yes, hello, I'm looking for Diane.
242
00:11:09,958 --> 00:11:11,544
Does anyone here speak English?
243
00:11:11,626 --> 00:11:14,046
Pull over and park the car.
244
00:11:14,129 --> 00:11:16,923
Is that the frickin'
horse from Horsin' Around?
245
00:11:17,007 --> 00:11:19,759
Again, does anyone here speak English?
246
00:11:19,843 --> 00:11:23,472
- Oh, no way...
- What? A TV star!
247
00:11:25,849 --> 00:11:27,059
Boreanaz house.
248
00:11:27,142 --> 00:11:29,436
Seventy-five each.
Children and seniors free.
249
00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:31,885
Please stay behind
the ropes and keep your
250
00:11:31,886 --> 00:11:34,525
hands and belongings on
your person at all times.
251
00:11:34,608 --> 00:11:37,319
Next we'll head to the kitchen where...
Is that Mila Kunis?
252
00:11:37,403 --> 00:11:38,945
Ooh!
253
00:11:39,029 --> 00:11:41,781
Note the letters B.H. on
all hand towels and linens.
254
00:11:41,865 --> 00:11:43,867
That stands for "Boreanaz House."
255
00:11:48,121 --> 00:11:50,290
Yeah, do you pick up bodies?
256
00:11:50,374 --> 00:11:52,376
Is that a service you provide?
Corpse removal?
257
00:11:52,459 --> 00:11:55,754
Hey, BoJack, you ever meet
any Boston celebrities?
258
00:11:55,837 --> 00:11:57,631
Well, one time at Bristol Farms,
259
00:11:57,714 --> 00:12:00,717
Ben Affleck and I did reach
for the same bunch of grapes.
260
00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:05,389
Oh, he eats grapes just like us?
Hey, Ma, Ben Affleck eats grapes!
261
00:12:05,472 --> 00:12:07,057
He don't eat grapes!
262
00:12:07,140 --> 00:12:09,768
BoJack said he fed Affleck grapes.
263
00:12:09,851 --> 00:12:12,104
He was graping it up with
the Daredevil himself.
264
00:12:12,187 --> 00:12:16,316
- This is the greatest day of my life.
- Oh!
265
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:18,237
Hey, I don't suppose
you boys would have any
266
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:20,320
interest in maybe playing
some touch football later?
267
00:12:20,404 --> 00:12:23,115
Are you kidding?
Touch football with a star like you?
268
00:12:23,198 --> 00:12:25,158
That would be mad wicked pisser.
269
00:12:25,242 --> 00:12:26,701
Ooh, you know what else we got to do?
270
00:12:26,785 --> 00:12:29,663
We got to watch the Cryane video.
271
00:12:29,746 --> 00:12:31,290
Ooh, that sounds good.
What's that?
272
00:12:31,373 --> 00:12:34,418
- No, we don't need to revisit that.
- When Deedee was 16,
273
00:12:34,501 --> 00:12:37,170
we made up a secret pen pal
for her named Leo.
274
00:12:37,254 --> 00:12:40,549
Guys, I really would rather not discuss it.
275
00:12:40,633 --> 00:12:42,468
We all took turns writing her letters,
276
00:12:42,551 --> 00:12:45,720
pretending to be this
sensitive boy from Cambridge.
277
00:12:45,804 --> 00:12:47,473
It was wicked messed up.
278
00:12:47,556 --> 00:12:50,850
"Oh, Diane, we're two misunderstood souls.
279
00:12:50,934 --> 00:12:55,230
Everyone else is a phony.
Yours forever, Leo."
280
00:12:55,314 --> 00:12:59,318
- What? That is amazing.
- After six months of letters,
281
00:12:59,401 --> 00:13:01,820
we hired a homeless
guy to pretend to be Leo
282
00:13:01,903 --> 00:13:04,364
and take her to the homecoming dance.
283
00:13:04,448 --> 00:13:05,782
- Look at her.
- Watch, watch this part.
284
00:13:05,865 --> 00:13:08,992
I like your boutonnière.
285
00:13:09,027 --> 00:13:12,372
Why don't we watch this every day?
286
00:13:12,456 --> 00:13:13,748
- Look at her face.
- Now that's a good prank.
287
00:13:13,832 --> 00:13:16,585
- I was humiliated.
- Yeah, you wouldn't get it.
288
00:13:16,669 --> 00:13:18,420
It's a brothers thing, right, brothers?
289
00:13:18,504 --> 00:13:21,840
Whoo! That's Cryane for you.
What a pussy.
290
00:13:21,923 --> 00:13:25,093
You know, it's nice that years later
we can all laugh about this.
291
00:13:25,177 --> 00:13:27,012
Yep, my therapist thinks the same thing.
292
00:13:27,095 --> 00:13:28,972
I'm gonna go meet with
the funeral director.
293
00:13:29,055 --> 00:13:30,641
Any of you boys want to come?
294
00:13:30,724 --> 00:13:32,559
Nah, I ain't so big on
funeral homes, Deedee.
295
00:13:32,643 --> 00:13:34,186
All them dead bodies,
they give me the jeebies.
296
00:13:34,269 --> 00:13:36,730
Yeah, Deedee, why do we got to go?
297
00:13:36,813 --> 00:13:40,233
Fine, none of you have to go.
I'll take care of everything.
298
00:13:40,317 --> 00:13:42,068
Thank you, Diane.
We all really appreciate it.
299
00:13:42,152 --> 00:13:45,374
- Come on, BoJack.
- Why you got to take BoJack with you?!
300
00:13:45,409 --> 00:13:46,198
Boo!
301
00:13:46,281 --> 00:13:48,701
- Boo!
- Boys, you have stolen my heart
302
00:13:48,783 --> 00:13:50,452
like Dave Roberts stole second base.
303
00:13:50,536 --> 00:13:52,663
Hey! He knows our things!
304
00:13:52,746 --> 00:13:55,207
I must go now, but I'll see
you all at the funeral, okay?
305
00:13:55,290 --> 00:13:57,751
And when I do, you're all getting noogies.
306
00:13:57,834 --> 00:13:58,835
- Funeral!
- Yeah!
307
00:13:58,918 --> 00:13:59,919
Whoo-hoo!
308
00:14:00,003 --> 00:14:01,129
Funeral!
309
00:14:01,213 --> 00:14:02,422
Funeral! Funeral!
310
00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:08,220
And now, a very special treat
just for our platinum members.
311
00:14:08,303 --> 00:14:14,226
Let's take a peek at the slumbering
Mr. Boreanaz himself.
312
00:14:14,309 --> 00:14:17,896
Get out of my room, Todd!
I'm David Boreanaz.
313
00:14:17,979 --> 00:14:19,523
Ohh!
314
00:14:19,606 --> 00:14:21,066
And thus concludes our tour.
315
00:14:21,149 --> 00:14:22,901
Have a Boreanderful day.
316
00:14:24,986 --> 00:14:27,239
Tell me about your father.
317
00:14:27,322 --> 00:14:30,941
Well, he was a mean, sadistic
alcoholic, who never supported
318
00:14:30,942 --> 00:14:34,204
anything I did and actively
delighted in seeing me fail.
319
00:14:34,287 --> 00:14:38,041
Hmm, I see.
Sounds like you're looking for
320
00:14:38,042 --> 00:14:39,834
our Piece of Shit Dad Package.
321
00:14:39,918 --> 00:14:41,754
That would be too good for my father.
322
00:14:41,836 --> 00:14:45,162
Hmm, I see.
Might I then suggest our
323
00:14:45,163 --> 00:14:49,135
Piece of Shit Dad Package
Would Be Too Good For Him Package.
324
00:14:49,219 --> 00:14:52,972
- Yeah, that's the one.
- Excellent choice.
325
00:14:53,056 --> 00:14:55,016
Hey, can I suggest something?
326
00:14:55,100 --> 00:14:57,269
You might want to loosen up a little.
327
00:14:57,352 --> 00:14:59,104
I think you could actually
learn a thing or two
328
00:14:59,187 --> 00:15:01,898
- from your brothers.
- Are you kidding?
329
00:15:01,981 --> 00:15:04,025
If I was like my brothers,
nothing would ever get done.
330
00:15:04,109 --> 00:15:07,188
I'm just saying, if you
can't find a way to let off
331
00:15:07,189 --> 00:15:10,031
some steam you're going to explode.
332
00:15:10,115 --> 00:15:11,866
God damn it!
Are you god damn kidding me?
333
00:15:11,950 --> 00:15:13,452
I keep getting calls
from this unlisted number.
334
00:15:13,535 --> 00:15:15,370
Ignore. Who are these assholes?
335
00:15:15,454 --> 00:15:17,080
Why don't you just answer,
and then you'll know?
336
00:15:17,163 --> 00:15:18,791
Oh, they'd just love that, wouldn't they?
337
00:15:18,873 --> 00:15:22,252
Ugh, how are we supposed to
blackmail him if we can't reach him?
338
00:15:22,335 --> 00:15:24,713
Maybe we got to get him where he lives?
339
00:15:24,797 --> 00:15:29,134
- You mean... ?
- That's right, his house.
340
00:15:30,469 --> 00:15:32,011
What the... Whose house is this?
341
00:15:32,095 --> 00:15:34,180
Is that David Boreanaz?
342
00:15:34,264 --> 00:15:37,100
I could've sworn BoJack
Horseman lived here.
343
00:15:37,183 --> 00:15:38,769
Hey, let's keep these lines moving, huh?
344
00:15:38,852 --> 00:15:42,147
You want to stop and chat, you gotta
pay for the extended stay ticket.
345
00:15:42,230 --> 00:15:44,149
Ah, so much, so much, so much.
346
00:15:44,232 --> 00:15:47,235
Another five Gs, T-Bag,
and we are in the pink.
347
00:15:47,319 --> 00:15:48,737
I don't know, Princess Carolyn.
348
00:15:48,821 --> 00:15:52,407
I ran out of shoeboxes for the money,
and the books aren't adding up.
349
00:15:52,491 --> 00:15:55,392
Plus the men's lav needs
to be serviced, and I had to
350
00:15:55,393 --> 00:15:58,455
fire Janine in the gift shop
for stealing Boreabble heads.
351
00:15:58,538 --> 00:16:01,249
I mean, how did I end up
with all this responsibility?
352
00:16:01,333 --> 00:16:03,460
Hey, I'm not screwing
around here, small fry.
353
00:16:03,543 --> 00:16:07,020
- You better make those numbers sing.
- I don't think these offshore
354
00:16:07,021 --> 00:16:09,716
banks we've been using
are 100% legal.
355
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:12,177
Yeah, well, my mother told
me never to slap an idiot.
356
00:16:12,260 --> 00:16:13,553
What? Ow!
357
00:16:13,637 --> 00:16:15,555
Now we're both breaking the rules.
358
00:16:15,639 --> 00:16:18,375
You listen, and you listen
good. I've gotten used to
359
00:16:18,376 --> 00:16:21,060
a certain lifestyle since
Boreanaz House went public,
360
00:16:21,144 --> 00:16:22,729
and I'm not going back to the old way.
361
00:16:22,813 --> 00:16:25,607
Mommy likes her shoes, see?
And her pearls.
362
00:16:25,691 --> 00:16:28,943
Oh, I'm in too deep.
I don't know what to do.
363
00:16:29,027 --> 00:16:30,487
I'll tell you what you should do.
364
00:16:30,570 --> 00:16:31,655
Who said that?
365
00:16:31,738 --> 00:16:33,198
It's me, David Boreanaz.
366
00:16:33,281 --> 00:16:35,534
Is that what David Boreanaz sounds like?
367
00:16:35,617 --> 00:16:38,662
Uh, sure.
Let me give you some advice.
368
00:16:38,745 --> 00:16:41,874
As we say on my show...
I want to say, New Girl?...
369
00:16:41,956 --> 00:16:44,292
just keep doing what you're
doing, and you'll be fine.
370
00:16:44,376 --> 00:16:46,461
Wow, thanks, Davie B.
371
00:16:46,545 --> 00:16:49,381
Never call me that!
372
00:16:51,090 --> 00:16:54,887
- Unbelievable.
- It's 4:00. I don't think anyone's coming.
373
00:16:54,969 --> 00:16:57,639
Unbe-goddamn-lievable!
374
00:16:57,723 --> 00:17:02,143
All those jerk wads had to do was show up,
and they couldn't even do that!
375
00:17:02,227 --> 00:17:03,603
Where's the body even?
376
00:17:03,687 --> 00:17:05,939
Beg your pardon, minor hiccup.
377
00:17:06,022 --> 00:17:10,235
My goons went to pick your
father up, but nobody was home.
378
00:17:10,318 --> 00:17:13,446
For a nominal fee, we can
scrounge up another body for you.
379
00:17:13,530 --> 00:17:17,576
Would you care to peruse our loaner closet?
380
00:17:20,078 --> 00:17:22,455
Hey, assholes! Where were you?
381
00:17:22,539 --> 00:17:24,833
I planned the whole funeral,
like you asked me to,
382
00:17:24,917 --> 00:17:28,176
- and nobody showed.
- Yeah, we realized dad wouldn't
383
00:17:28,177 --> 00:17:29,963
have wanted some stuffy funeral.
384
00:17:30,046 --> 00:17:32,215
He would've wanted his body
to be chopped up into chum
385
00:17:32,298 --> 00:17:35,928
- and thrown in Derek Jeter's fat face.
- Yeah, suck it, Jeter!
386
00:17:36,010 --> 00:17:37,679
Wait, what? Where is Dad?
387
00:17:37,763 --> 00:17:39,431
We got him chummed. He's in the truck.
388
00:17:41,767 --> 00:17:45,771
- You chummed Dad?
- It's what your father wanted, honey,
389
00:17:45,854 --> 00:17:48,732
but then you wouldn't know
anything about that, would you?
390
00:17:48,815 --> 00:17:51,610
Let me get this straight.
So instead of coming to the funeral
391
00:17:51,693 --> 00:17:54,654
that I paid for and
spent all day organizing,
392
00:17:54,738 --> 00:17:57,783
you had Dad's body ground into chum,
393
00:17:57,866 --> 00:18:01,202
so you could throw his
mushy remains on Derek Jeter?
394
00:18:01,286 --> 00:18:05,540
No, not just on Derek Jeter.
We're gonna throw it into his fat face.
395
00:18:05,624 --> 00:18:07,041
- Yeah, his fat face.
- In his fat face.
396
00:18:07,125 --> 00:18:08,460
The Yankees are in town this week.
397
00:18:08,543 --> 00:18:09,878
The planets are aligning, Deedee.
398
00:18:09,962 --> 00:18:12,464
Tommy, you begged me to stay and help.
399
00:18:12,547 --> 00:18:15,926
Why does everything always
got to be about big-shot Diane?
400
00:18:16,009 --> 00:18:20,388
- Too good for her home.
- I don't think I'm too good for my home.
401
00:18:20,472 --> 00:18:22,390
Yeah, guys, you got it all wrong.
402
00:18:22,474 --> 00:18:25,811
Diane isn't a big-shot.
She's my ghostwriter.
403
00:18:25,894 --> 00:18:29,439
She's writing a book that's not
even gonna have her name on it.
404
00:18:29,522 --> 00:18:32,818
You think this is how she expected
her life would be going at 34?
405
00:18:32,901 --> 00:18:35,988
She lives with her rich
boyfriend and doesn't pay rent.
406
00:18:36,070 --> 00:18:39,574
She's not too good for anything.
407
00:18:39,658 --> 00:18:42,243
- What?
- Diane's a freeloader?
408
00:18:43,453 --> 00:18:47,457
- Even I pay rent.
- BoJack helping?
409
00:18:52,545 --> 00:18:53,964
Whoa.
410
00:18:54,047 --> 00:18:58,718
This is why I told you to wait in the car!
411
00:18:58,802 --> 00:19:01,346
Oh, she snapped.
Here comes Cryane.
412
00:19:01,471 --> 00:19:04,057
Hey, hey, Deedee, come on.
413
00:19:04,140 --> 00:19:08,102
Diane, you are making a
public spectacle of yourself.
414
00:19:08,186 --> 00:19:10,647
Deedee, what are you doing with Dad's keys?
415
00:19:10,730 --> 00:19:12,148
Put those back.
416
00:19:12,231 --> 00:19:13,650
Oh, come on, that's Dad's truck.
417
00:19:13,733 --> 00:19:15,068
Dad's chum is in the back.
418
00:19:15,151 --> 00:19:16,653
No! No, no, no!
419
00:19:16,736 --> 00:19:19,113
Suck a dick, dumb shits!
420
00:19:19,197 --> 00:19:21,783
Well, that crazy clam did it.
She took Pops.
421
00:19:21,867 --> 00:19:25,095
Oh, no, what are we gonna do?
422
00:19:25,578 --> 00:19:27,330
And it's a
one-hopper back to the pitcher.
423
00:19:27,413 --> 00:19:31,084
Easy out at first.
So what we're gonna do is nothing?
424
00:19:31,167 --> 00:19:33,211
Sox are on, and I haven't seen this one.
425
00:19:33,294 --> 00:19:35,213
Does anyone know where
she might have gone?
426
00:19:35,296 --> 00:19:37,090
Ah, she used to run off
like this all the time
427
00:19:37,173 --> 00:19:40,468
in high school, too.
Who knows where crazy goes?
428
00:19:40,552 --> 00:19:42,762
I think I know where she went.
429
00:19:42,846 --> 00:19:46,058
Wait, you can't leave.
The party's just getting started.
430
00:19:46,140 --> 00:19:48,476
I don't know, Diane was pretty upset,
431
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:52,355
- and she's got your dad.
- Oh, don't go, BoJack.
432
00:19:52,438 --> 00:19:53,940
You're like the fifth brother I never had.
433
00:19:54,024 --> 00:19:56,651
- I... Really?
- Yeah, don't leave, bro.
434
00:19:56,735 --> 00:19:59,779
After this, we'll go play touch football
and do a noogie parade.
435
00:19:59,863 --> 00:20:02,240
Ah, um...
436
00:20:03,408 --> 00:20:04,534
Everyone please disperse.
437
00:20:04,617 --> 00:20:08,538
This is an unlawful gathering.
Disperse immediately.
438
00:20:10,373 --> 00:20:12,084
Oh, this isn't looking
good, Princess Carolyn.
439
00:20:12,166 --> 00:20:14,961
- What are we gonna do?
- What do you mean, we?
440
00:20:15,045 --> 00:20:17,589
Princess Carolyn always lands on her feet.
441
00:20:17,672 --> 00:20:18,673
Ha!
442
00:20:18,757 --> 00:20:20,466
Mr. Boreanaz, I presume.
443
00:20:20,550 --> 00:20:24,012
Um, would you like a Boreabble head?
444
00:20:24,096 --> 00:20:27,766
The amazing thing is, the house
looks just like BoJack's house.
445
00:20:27,849 --> 00:20:29,642
They must have the same architect.
446
00:20:29,726 --> 00:20:31,269
Anyway, how are things with you?
447
00:20:31,352 --> 00:20:32,812
Not good.
448
00:20:32,896 --> 00:20:35,398
I should've known it was a
waste of time to come back here.
449
00:20:35,481 --> 00:20:38,401
Oh, that's awful.
Well, when you get back,
450
00:20:38,484 --> 00:20:40,403
I'll give you one of my
patented Peanutbutter hugs.
451
00:20:40,486 --> 00:20:42,321
Crunchy and creamy.
452
00:20:42,405 --> 00:20:45,992
You know that patent wasn't
approved, but I'll take it.
453
00:20:46,076 --> 00:20:50,122
- I have to go. BoJack's here.
- BoJack, well, what's he doing... ?
454
00:20:50,204 --> 00:20:53,750
Hey.
Sorry I said all that stuff about you.
455
00:20:53,833 --> 00:20:55,961
It's all true, isn't it?
456
00:20:56,044 --> 00:20:59,756
I found this letter back at the bar.
I think it's for you.
457
00:21:01,674 --> 00:21:03,551
Look, just read it.
I think you'll like it.
458
00:21:03,635 --> 00:21:08,347
"Dear Diane, it's me, your old pen pal Leo.
459
00:21:08,431 --> 00:21:11,517
This definitely isn't BoJack
Horseman writing this."
460
00:21:11,601 --> 00:21:12,811
Keep reading.
461
00:21:12,894 --> 00:21:14,813
"You're a good person, Diane,
462
00:21:14,896 --> 00:21:17,107
and that's the most important thing.
463
00:21:17,190 --> 00:21:18,900
Even if no one appreciates you,
464
00:21:18,984 --> 00:21:21,569
it's important that you
don't stop being good.
465
00:21:21,653 --> 00:21:24,948
I like how you always bring your
own bags to the grocery store,
466
00:21:25,031 --> 00:21:27,659
and how you're always
organized to go places.
467
00:21:27,742 --> 00:21:31,704
I like how you chew gum on the
airplane so your ears will pop.
468
00:21:31,788 --> 00:21:34,707
A lot of people might not
appreciate that about you,
469
00:21:34,791 --> 00:21:38,377
but I do.
Yours forever, Leo."
470
00:21:38,461 --> 00:21:40,964
That's the best letter he ever wrote me.
471
00:21:41,047 --> 00:21:44,050
Look, take it from someone
with his own shitty parents,
472
00:21:44,134 --> 00:21:45,927
family is a sinkhole,
473
00:21:46,011 --> 00:21:48,096
and you were right to get
out when you had the chance.
474
00:21:48,180 --> 00:21:50,732
The stupid thing is,
even now I still just want
475
00:21:50,733 --> 00:21:53,018
them to be proud of me
and think I did good.
476
00:21:53,101 --> 00:21:54,894
Is that really stupid?
477
00:21:54,978 --> 00:21:56,188
- Yep.
- No, it isn't.
478
00:21:56,270 --> 00:21:59,482
Yeah, it is.
You want those guys to be proud of you?
479
00:21:59,565 --> 00:22:01,776
I guess I was just hoping to
get some modicum of closure.
480
00:22:01,860 --> 00:22:05,571
Closure is a made up thing
by Steven Spielberg to sell movie tickets.
481
00:22:05,655 --> 00:22:09,742
It, like true love and the Munich Olympics,
doesn't exist in the real world.
482
00:22:09,826 --> 00:22:13,371
The only thing to do now is
just to keep living forward.
483
00:22:13,454 --> 00:22:15,915
Yeah, but every time
I come back here they...
484
00:22:15,999 --> 00:22:19,252
So don't come back here.
What's great about Los Angeles
485
00:22:19,335 --> 00:22:21,880
is nobody cares about where
you're from or who you are.
486
00:22:21,963 --> 00:22:24,883
It's a superficial town
where you can worry about stupid shit
487
00:22:24,966 --> 00:22:26,425
like keeping your pool clean,
488
00:22:26,509 --> 00:22:28,220
and what artisanal nuts
to put on your salad.
489
00:22:28,302 --> 00:22:31,139
- I do like salad.
- Oh, it's the best.
490
00:22:31,223 --> 00:22:34,600
- Why do you think people keep moving there?
- Thanks, BoJack.
491
00:22:34,684 --> 00:22:38,897
The good news is, your dad
can't hurt anyone ever again.
492
00:22:40,481 --> 00:22:42,441
Uh-oh.
493
00:22:44,069 --> 00:22:46,029
♪ Gonna spend the day ♪
494
00:22:46,112 --> 00:22:50,533
♪ Over at Fenway ♪
495
00:22:50,616 --> 00:22:53,286
Thank you so much, Derek Jeter.
496
00:22:53,369 --> 00:22:55,747
I thought a big baseball hotshot like you
497
00:22:55,830 --> 00:22:59,709
would be too busy to help us
old ladies across the street.
498
00:22:59,792 --> 00:23:02,378
I always have time to
look out for my elders,
499
00:23:02,461 --> 00:23:04,422
Yankee fan or no.
500
00:23:04,505 --> 00:23:06,299
Is that a barrel of chum?
501
00:23:08,426 --> 00:23:10,178
♪ Only at Fenway ♪
502
00:23:10,262 --> 00:23:12,638
♪ Ba-dum, ba-da-dum ♪
503
00:23:12,722 --> 00:23:15,058
Um, I'll meet you inside.
I have to make a call.
504
00:23:15,141 --> 00:23:17,185
Okay.
505
00:23:20,230 --> 00:23:23,316
It's Herb.
You know what to do.
506
00:23:23,399 --> 00:23:29,322
Hey, Herb, look, I think we
have some unfinished business.
507
00:23:29,405 --> 00:23:31,908
It seems like life's
too short to hold grudges
508
00:23:31,991 --> 00:23:34,286
and stuff like that,
you know what I'm saying?
509
00:23:34,368 --> 00:23:36,996
About life being too short?
Well, of course you know what I'm saying.
510
00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:40,416
You're the one with terminal...
I feel like I'm doing all the talking here.
511
00:23:40,499 --> 00:23:42,335
So anyway, I thought maybe we could chat.
512
00:23:42,418 --> 00:23:44,420
Why don't you give me a call, okay?
513
00:23:44,503 --> 00:23:48,174
Um... so smell you later?
514
00:23:48,258 --> 00:23:51,552
This is BoJack. Horseman.
Obviously.
515
00:23:52,971 --> 00:23:55,974
Ugh, who keeps calling me?
516
00:23:56,057 --> 00:23:59,560
Come on, BoJack.
Pick up, pick up.
517
00:23:59,644 --> 00:24:01,062
I'm sure he'll pick up.
518
00:24:01,146 --> 00:24:03,815
It's BoJack. You know what to do.
519
00:24:06,525 --> 00:24:08,236
♪ Back in the '90s ♪
520
00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:13,074
♪ I was in a very famous TV show ♪
521
00:24:15,368 --> 00:24:17,745
- # I'm BoJack the horse #
- # BoJack #
522
00:24:17,829 --> 00:24:19,164
♪ BoJack the horse ♪
523
00:24:19,247 --> 00:24:22,334
♪ Don't act like you don't know ♪
524
00:24:24,919 --> 00:24:28,965
♪ And I'm trying to
hold on to my past ♪
525
00:24:29,048 --> 00:24:30,508
♪ It's been so long ♪
526
00:24:30,591 --> 00:24:33,886
♪ I don't think I'm gonna last ♪
527
00:24:33,970 --> 00:24:35,513
♪ I guess I'll just try ♪
528
00:24:35,638 --> 00:24:37,473
♪ And make you understand ♪
529
00:24:37,556 --> 00:24:42,020
♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪
530
00:24:42,103 --> 00:24:46,191
♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪
531
00:24:46,274 --> 00:24:48,109
♪ BoJack ♪
532
00:24:50,903 --> 00:24:52,197
Boxer versus raptor.
533
00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:53,997
♪ Na na na na na na na na ♪
534
00:24:55,108 --> 00:24:58,172
sync & correction by f1nc0
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