1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,876 1x05 - "Live Fast, Diane Nguyen" 2 00:00:08,005 --> 00:00:09,674 Come on! 3 00:00:09,757 --> 00:00:12,426 Oh, is it this guy? Never travel without it. 4 00:00:12,510 --> 00:00:14,428 Stop holding up the line, idiot! 5 00:00:14,512 --> 00:00:16,347 It's not his fault. He's just doing his job. 6 00:00:16,472 --> 00:00:18,015 It's your fault, dummy. 7 00:00:18,098 --> 00:00:20,059 I'm sorry, sir, no liquid over three ounces. 8 00:00:20,142 --> 00:00:22,186 This is Pappy Van Winkle, friend. 9 00:00:22,269 --> 00:00:25,356 Do you know how old this bourbon is? If this was a person, 10 00:00:25,439 --> 00:00:27,483 I would've stopped having sex with it a year ago. 11 00:00:27,567 --> 00:00:29,944 - I'm sorry, sir. - Do you know who I am? 12 00:00:30,027 --> 00:00:31,654 Come on. 13 00:00:31,738 --> 00:00:33,280 I'm actually a huge celebrity on my way to New York 14 00:00:33,364 --> 00:00:35,616 for an important meeting with a book publisher, 15 00:00:35,700 --> 00:00:40,413 who wants to publish a book about me because I am famous. 16 00:00:40,496 --> 00:00:41,873 - That's not... - Fine, you want me to dance? 17 00:00:41,956 --> 00:00:42,957 I'll dance. 18 00:00:45,209 --> 00:00:46,961 Give me ten seconds, Diane. 19 00:00:47,044 --> 00:00:49,589 This guy's being a total fascist. Diane? 20 00:00:49,672 --> 00:00:51,966 - Diane? - Over here, BoJack. 21 00:00:52,049 --> 00:00:53,593 How'd you get through so fast? 22 00:00:53,676 --> 00:00:55,219 I followed the basic requirements for air travel 23 00:00:55,302 --> 00:00:56,637 that have been in place for over a decade. 24 00:00:56,721 --> 00:00:59,348 - Ugh, weird. - Sir, whoever you are, please... 25 00:00:59,432 --> 00:01:01,768 Really? You've never heard of my TV show? 26 00:01:01,851 --> 00:01:03,644 You know very well who I am. 27 00:01:03,728 --> 00:01:05,772 And now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to New York. 28 00:01:05,855 --> 00:01:07,398 Ah, no. 29 00:01:07,481 --> 00:01:08,816 - More? - Come on! 30 00:01:08,900 --> 00:01:10,526 Oh, you know what? Could be this. 31 00:01:10,610 --> 00:01:12,194 Oh, my God, he's got a gun. 32 00:01:12,278 --> 00:01:14,447 Relax, it's a lighter. 33 00:01:14,530 --> 00:01:16,449 How much lighter fluid can I take on the plane? 34 00:01:16,532 --> 00:01:19,201 And before you answer, remember, I'm a celebrity. 35 00:01:19,285 --> 00:01:21,495 We're gonna need a full body cavity search. 36 00:02:08,641 --> 00:02:12,244 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~ 37 00:02:21,973 --> 00:02:23,850 Thanks for coming to New York for this. 38 00:02:23,933 --> 00:02:25,977 Let's just say, it's better for everyone's kneecaps 39 00:02:26,060 --> 00:02:28,312 if I stay out of California for a little bit. 40 00:02:28,395 --> 00:02:30,731 Always nice to get a change of scenery, am I right? 41 00:02:30,815 --> 00:02:32,775 I think the New York air's been good for my health. 42 00:02:32,859 --> 00:02:36,737 I mean, I did find a lump, but hey, who needs health insurance 43 00:02:36,821 --> 00:02:40,491 when you've got BoJack Horseman writing a book, huh? 44 00:02:40,574 --> 00:02:42,284 How's it coming along? 45 00:02:42,368 --> 00:02:45,467 It's great. I'm pumping out heartfelt anecdotes and witty 46 00:02:45,468 --> 00:02:49,208 observations left and right, and this one is spinning it all into gold. 47 00:02:49,291 --> 00:02:51,335 Your telephone is ringing. I'm Ira Glass. 48 00:02:51,418 --> 00:02:53,880 Thank you for being a sustaining member of public radio. 49 00:02:53,963 --> 00:02:55,589 Everyone has a story, 50 00:02:55,673 --> 00:02:57,466 and your phone's story is that it's ringing. 51 00:02:57,550 --> 00:03:00,761 - Excuse me. Hello? - Hurry back, superstar. 52 00:03:00,845 --> 00:03:02,304 I don't think Diane's working out. 53 00:03:02,388 --> 00:03:05,975 - What? Why? Is Diane no good? - She's too good. 54 00:03:06,059 --> 00:03:08,519 I don't know if Diane is damaged enough to tell my story. 55 00:03:08,602 --> 00:03:10,604 She's so... functional. 56 00:03:10,688 --> 00:03:13,858 Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Horseman, she's too functional. 57 00:03:13,941 --> 00:03:16,986 Why don't I just get on the phone and call a less functional... 58 00:03:17,070 --> 00:03:18,905 What are you talking about? 59 00:03:18,988 --> 00:03:21,991 - This is a very bad time, BoJack! - All right. 60 00:03:22,075 --> 00:03:24,459 You need to promise me that your book 61 00:03:24,460 --> 00:03:26,954 will be on the shelves and making money by October! 62 00:03:27,038 --> 00:03:28,622 All right. Jesus. 63 00:03:28,706 --> 00:03:29,874 Uh-huh? Uh-huh. 64 00:03:29,957 --> 00:03:33,293 Uh-huh. Got it. Sorry I took so long. 65 00:03:33,377 --> 00:03:34,837 Who was that? The library? 66 00:03:34,921 --> 00:03:37,297 Thanking you for never returning a book late? 67 00:03:37,381 --> 00:03:39,216 That was my brother Tommy. My dad just died. 68 00:03:39,299 --> 00:03:40,801 Oh, my God. 69 00:03:40,885 --> 00:03:42,302 Did we talk about firming up the release date? 70 00:03:42,386 --> 00:03:44,179 - I was thinking late September. - I am so sorry. 71 00:03:44,304 --> 00:03:46,015 It's fine, he was old and also the worst. 72 00:03:46,099 --> 00:03:49,560 Such a terrible tragedy really puts everything in perspective. 73 00:03:49,643 --> 00:03:51,729 Where does that leave us as far as the book of it all? 74 00:03:51,812 --> 00:03:54,398 Not a problem. I just got to swing by Boston 75 00:03:54,481 --> 00:03:57,276 and give my condolences real quick. BoJack can come with me. 76 00:03:57,359 --> 00:03:59,157 We'll get some work done while we're there, and then 77 00:03:59,158 --> 00:04:00,988 that way the whole trip won't be a total waste of time. 78 00:04:01,072 --> 00:04:03,365 Great. Call me if you need anything, 79 00:04:03,449 --> 00:04:06,369 but hang up after one ring, and I'll call you back 80 00:04:06,370 --> 00:04:09,288 from the phone booth where my wife and I are living. 81 00:04:09,371 --> 00:04:11,832 ♪ Todd bless these scrambled eggs ♪ 82 00:04:11,916 --> 00:04:13,960 ♪ Eggs from the fridge ♪ 83 00:04:14,043 --> 00:04:16,963 ♪ Sunny side them And guide them ♪ 84 00:04:17,046 --> 00:04:18,881 Todd, stop singing your dumb scrambled eggs song. 85 00:04:18,965 --> 00:04:20,299 Who said that? 86 00:04:20,382 --> 00:04:23,928 If you're wondering who said that, it's this note that you're reading. 87 00:04:24,011 --> 00:04:27,974 You're hearing my voice in your head, because that's how reading works. 88 00:04:28,057 --> 00:04:29,391 Oh, yeah. 89 00:04:29,475 --> 00:04:31,623 As you might've noticed, Todd, I've left you home alone 90 00:04:31,624 --> 00:04:33,771 for the day, and frankly, I already regret that decision. 91 00:04:33,854 --> 00:04:36,398 Here's what you need to do. Nothing. 92 00:04:36,482 --> 00:04:38,400 Don't touch my stuff, and don't make a mess. 93 00:04:38,484 --> 00:04:39,819 Pick me up at the airport tomorrow, 94 00:04:39,902 --> 00:04:43,280 and until then, don't do anything. 95 00:04:47,868 --> 00:04:50,370 Well, seal's broken. Might as well enjoy myself. 96 00:04:53,499 --> 00:04:54,834 Whee! 97 00:04:56,169 --> 00:04:58,462 Cheers to bath time. 98 00:04:59,755 --> 00:05:03,592 Great story, Todd. I love our friendship. 99 00:05:05,678 --> 00:05:09,431 Here we go! The great Toddini! 100 00:05:09,515 --> 00:05:11,017 And here we have the home 101 00:05:11,100 --> 00:05:16,480 of a truly dynamic and unique talent, TV's own David Boreanaz. 102 00:05:16,563 --> 00:05:18,191 Ohh! 103 00:05:18,273 --> 00:05:22,153 Sounds like we have some fans of Person of Interest on board, 104 00:05:22,236 --> 00:05:25,280 or Castle, or whatever his show is. 105 00:05:25,364 --> 00:05:27,741 Sorry, dudes, you got the wrong house. 106 00:05:27,825 --> 00:05:29,284 Aww. 107 00:05:29,368 --> 00:05:34,123 Crikey, I would've paid $50 U.S. to see where David Boreanaz lives. 108 00:05:34,207 --> 00:05:36,083 He's the American Hugh Jackman. 109 00:05:36,167 --> 00:05:38,711 - Oh, yeah, 50 bucks? - He's so good in Burn Notice. 110 00:05:38,794 --> 00:05:40,546 What? 50 bucks? 111 00:05:40,629 --> 00:05:42,339 In that case, come on in, friends. 112 00:05:42,422 --> 00:05:44,424 Some guy named David Boreanaz lives here. 113 00:05:44,508 --> 00:05:47,386 Hooray! 114 00:05:47,469 --> 00:05:49,013 Hey, so listen, 115 00:05:49,096 --> 00:05:50,931 I really want to be here for you in your time of need, 116 00:05:51,015 --> 00:05:52,641 but I'm not really good with funerals or death 117 00:05:52,725 --> 00:05:54,268 or families or feelings or people. 118 00:05:54,351 --> 00:05:56,103 Don't worry. You can wait in the car. 119 00:05:56,187 --> 00:05:57,771 It's probably better you don't meet my brothers. 120 00:05:57,855 --> 00:06:00,066 They're narrow-minded, mean-spirited dirtbags. 121 00:06:00,149 --> 00:06:01,984 I wish I had brothers growing up. 122 00:06:02,068 --> 00:06:05,571 Touch football on the weekends, noogie parades on the reg. 123 00:06:05,654 --> 00:06:08,490 Life as an only child can get pretty lonely. 124 00:06:08,574 --> 00:06:11,577 Daddy, do you want to meet my imaginary friend? 125 00:06:11,660 --> 00:06:16,123 Imaginary friends are freeloaders invented by communists to rip-off welfare. 126 00:06:16,207 --> 00:06:18,334 Why don't you do something productive, like bang your 127 00:06:18,335 --> 00:06:20,460 head against the wall until your brain isn't so stupid? 128 00:06:20,544 --> 00:06:22,004 Okay, Daddy. 129 00:06:22,088 --> 00:06:24,649 Yeah, well, I was pretty lonely, too. My family made my 130 00:06:24,650 --> 00:06:27,301 life miserable, and then they never forgave me for leaving. 131 00:06:27,384 --> 00:06:28,969 So, what, you're like the black sheep? 132 00:06:29,053 --> 00:06:30,804 No, Gary's the black sheep. He's adopted. 133 00:06:30,888 --> 00:06:32,598 I'm just the member of the family nobody likes. 134 00:06:32,681 --> 00:06:34,474 And my dad was the worst of them all. 135 00:06:34,558 --> 00:06:36,373 You told me that you and your father used to 136 00:06:36,374 --> 00:06:38,229 sit on the roof and look at the stars together. 137 00:06:38,312 --> 00:06:40,898 Oh, yeah, I was just trying to get you to open up, 138 00:06:40,981 --> 00:06:43,901 so I used an old writer's trick called "me lying to you." 139 00:06:43,984 --> 00:06:46,070 Oh, yeah? Well, I'm using an old me trick 140 00:06:46,153 --> 00:06:47,613 called "that hurts my feelings." 141 00:06:47,696 --> 00:06:50,851 And the truth is, I used to sit alone on the hill out by the 142 00:06:50,852 --> 00:06:54,161 dump and dream of waking up as Chelsea Clinton, but with my hair. 143 00:06:54,245 --> 00:06:57,081 - You do have great hair. - I know. 144 00:06:59,750 --> 00:07:02,377 That's us. I'll just pop in for a quick hi and bye. 145 00:07:02,461 --> 00:07:05,256 Then we'll be on our way. Ten minutes, swear to God. 146 00:07:05,339 --> 00:07:07,716 You can play with this kaleidoscope I got you at the airport. 147 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:11,511 What? A kaleidoscope? I'm not five... 148 00:07:11,595 --> 00:07:13,973 Shapes and colors the likes of which I've never seen. 149 00:07:14,056 --> 00:07:15,849 Hello. 150 00:07:15,933 --> 00:07:18,685 Hey, yeah, Deedee came home! 151 00:07:18,769 --> 00:07:21,688 Gary, Marty, Artie, Deedee's back! Come here! 152 00:07:21,772 --> 00:07:23,398 Game. Watching the game. 153 00:07:23,482 --> 00:07:24,775 Can't look up from the game. How you doing? 154 00:07:24,858 --> 00:07:27,861 Marty, it's a game from '86. You've seen it a hundred times. 155 00:07:27,945 --> 00:07:29,696 And how many times does Buckner break your heart? 156 00:07:29,780 --> 00:07:31,240 100 times. 157 00:07:31,324 --> 00:07:33,159 Aw, thank God you're here, Deedee. 158 00:07:33,242 --> 00:07:34,701 Pops is wicked departed. 159 00:07:34,785 --> 00:07:36,703 Oh, yeah, man. He departed so hard. 160 00:07:36,787 --> 00:07:38,914 And I do not like them apples, Deedee. 161 00:07:38,998 --> 00:07:40,249 Yo, Deedee, get me a beer. 162 00:07:40,333 --> 00:07:41,541 Yeah, make that two, Deedee. 163 00:07:41,625 --> 00:07:43,669 Gary, Marty, I just got home. 164 00:07:43,752 --> 00:07:48,341 Ooh, Princess Diane doesn't want to get her brother a beer. 165 00:07:48,423 --> 00:07:50,843 Hey, Ma, come look what the Pats dragged in. 166 00:07:50,926 --> 00:07:55,639 Oh, hello! Look who decided to come home. 167 00:07:55,722 --> 00:08:00,519 Queen Deedee blesses us with her presence. To what do I owe the honor? 168 00:08:00,602 --> 00:08:02,396 Look, I'm just here to offer my condolences. 169 00:08:02,479 --> 00:08:06,400 Oh, sure, in and out, like a Protestant on Christmas. 170 00:08:06,483 --> 00:08:07,860 Why would you want to stick around, 171 00:08:07,943 --> 00:08:09,278 be with your family in their time of need? 172 00:08:09,362 --> 00:08:12,072 - Come on, Ma. - Don't fight while the game's on. 173 00:08:12,156 --> 00:08:15,117 - It's bad Juju. - It's the '86 World Series. 174 00:08:15,201 --> 00:08:17,703 - They lose. - Ah, why'd you have to... 175 00:08:17,786 --> 00:08:19,830 Oh, we're just a bunch of savages, right? 176 00:08:19,913 --> 00:08:22,333 We're not like your fancy California friends. 177 00:08:22,416 --> 00:08:25,919 Your George Clooney and your California Raisins. 178 00:08:26,003 --> 00:08:28,297 Oh, come off it, Ma. She don't mean no harm. 179 00:08:28,381 --> 00:08:30,590 For five years she didn't come home. 180 00:08:30,674 --> 00:08:33,344 Why don't you make like A-Rod and blow. 181 00:08:33,427 --> 00:08:36,013 Well, this was clearly a huge mistake. 182 00:08:36,096 --> 00:08:38,932 Ah, don't go. Deedee, please. 183 00:08:39,016 --> 00:08:40,600 Why not? Ma doesn't want me here. 184 00:08:40,684 --> 00:08:42,561 Ma don't know what she wants. 185 00:08:42,644 --> 00:08:45,480 She wants you here. We all do. Ain't that right, Marty? 186 00:08:45,564 --> 00:08:46,732 Can't look up from the game. 187 00:08:46,815 --> 00:08:49,526 Besides, we need your help organizing all the funeral stuff. 188 00:08:49,609 --> 00:08:52,112 We didn't go to college. We're not smart like you. 189 00:08:52,196 --> 00:08:54,823 Fine, I'll help. Is there a number for me to call? 190 00:08:54,907 --> 00:08:57,492 Yeah, try 1-800-The-Internet, dummy. 191 00:08:57,576 --> 00:08:59,286 Jeez, do some legwork, Dee. 192 00:08:59,370 --> 00:09:01,747 And do it quick. The ice is melting. 193 00:09:01,830 --> 00:09:03,749 Oh, my God. Is that dad? 194 00:09:03,832 --> 00:09:06,626 Did someone draw balls on his forehead? 195 00:09:06,710 --> 00:09:08,421 That was before we knew he was dead. 196 00:09:08,503 --> 00:09:10,381 We just thought he was wicked hung over. 197 00:09:10,464 --> 00:09:15,469 In your face, Dad! In your face forever. 198 00:09:15,552 --> 00:09:19,932 Welcome to the home of David Boreanaz, 199 00:09:20,015 --> 00:09:21,767 famous from television shows 200 00:09:21,850 --> 00:09:26,063 such as dramas on networks. 201 00:09:26,146 --> 00:09:27,898 That will be $50 please. 202 00:09:27,981 --> 00:09:31,360 Oy, mate, this picture of David Boreanaz fell apart. 203 00:09:31,444 --> 00:09:33,900 Oh, no, no, no, I'll handle that. Why don't you just 204 00:09:33,901 --> 00:09:36,449 go look through David Boreanaz's underwear drawer, okay? 205 00:09:36,531 --> 00:09:39,201 - It's in his bedroom. - Oh, knickers. 206 00:09:39,285 --> 00:09:40,869 Hey, what do you think you're doing? 207 00:09:40,953 --> 00:09:42,829 Uh-oh, am I reading something again? 208 00:09:42,913 --> 00:09:45,458 No, this is your conscience. 209 00:09:45,540 --> 00:09:48,043 BoJack trusted you to take care of his house. 210 00:09:48,127 --> 00:09:50,337 Is this really... What are you doing? 211 00:09:54,716 --> 00:09:56,135 ♪ Dun-dun-dun-dun ♪ 212 00:09:56,218 --> 00:09:57,594 ♪ Dun-dun-dun... ♪ 213 00:09:57,677 --> 00:10:01,181 It's a great day on Todd's phone. How can I help you? 214 00:10:01,265 --> 00:10:02,891 Are you trying to cut me out of this David Boreanaz deal? 215 00:10:02,975 --> 00:10:04,435 I'm your agent, damn it. 216 00:10:04,518 --> 00:10:06,312 How'd you find out about Boreanaz House? 217 00:10:06,395 --> 00:10:08,188 Don't worry, I'm not just gonna sit here 218 00:10:08,272 --> 00:10:10,274 batting a ball of yarn around while you do the real work. 219 00:10:10,357 --> 00:10:13,319 I want to take your project to the next level. 220 00:10:13,402 --> 00:10:15,112 We need to go bigger. 221 00:10:15,195 --> 00:10:17,364 Have you thought about attaching Mila Kunis to this thing? 222 00:10:17,448 --> 00:10:21,535 - Attach her? How? - You do your job. I'll do mine. 223 00:10:21,618 --> 00:10:23,662 Who is this? 224 00:10:25,247 --> 00:10:27,500 Ah, out of combinations. Now I'm bored. 225 00:10:27,582 --> 00:10:29,918 Diaaaaane! 226 00:10:31,753 --> 00:10:33,339 - You show me nothing... - What do you want from me? 227 00:10:33,422 --> 00:10:35,341 You have no right to barge in here after five years 228 00:10:35,424 --> 00:10:39,094 - and judge us, Diane. - I'm just saying Marty could lend a hand 229 00:10:39,178 --> 00:10:41,096 instead of sitting on the couch watching the game all day. 230 00:10:41,180 --> 00:10:45,017 - Ah, Deedee. - You know very well his leg's still sore 231 00:10:45,100 --> 00:10:46,768 from the accident at the quarry. 232 00:10:46,852 --> 00:10:49,938 Yeah, he's got to rest up if he's gonna be a wide receiver for B.C. 233 00:10:50,022 --> 00:10:51,773 He didn't get into B.C. 234 00:10:51,857 --> 00:10:53,775 Ah, what's the point of getting off the couch anyway? 235 00:10:53,859 --> 00:10:55,944 All the jobs are going to immigrants these days. 236 00:10:56,028 --> 00:10:57,946 What do you... We're immigrants. 237 00:10:58,030 --> 00:10:59,948 - How do you figure? - We're Vietnamese? 238 00:11:00,032 --> 00:11:02,409 Step off! We're American as fuck. 239 00:11:02,493 --> 00:11:03,910 And that's the same crap you always pull... 240 00:11:03,994 --> 00:11:06,872 What do you want from me? Come on! 241 00:11:06,955 --> 00:11:09,875 Excuse me. Yes, hello, I'm looking for Diane. 242 00:11:09,958 --> 00:11:11,544 Does anyone here speak English? 243 00:11:11,626 --> 00:11:14,046 Pull over and park the car. 244 00:11:14,129 --> 00:11:16,923 Is that the frickin' horse from Horsin' Around? 245 00:11:17,007 --> 00:11:19,759 Again, does anyone here speak English? 246 00:11:19,843 --> 00:11:23,472 - Oh, no way... - What? A TV star! 247 00:11:25,849 --> 00:11:27,059 Boreanaz house. 248 00:11:27,142 --> 00:11:29,436 Seventy-five each. Children and seniors free. 249 00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:31,885 Please stay behind the ropes and keep your 250 00:11:31,886 --> 00:11:34,525 hands and belongings on your person at all times. 251 00:11:34,608 --> 00:11:37,319 Next we'll head to the kitchen where... Is that Mila Kunis? 252 00:11:37,403 --> 00:11:38,945 Ooh! 253 00:11:39,029 --> 00:11:41,781 Note the letters B.H. on all hand towels and linens. 254 00:11:41,865 --> 00:11:43,867 That stands for "Boreanaz House." 255 00:11:48,121 --> 00:11:50,290 Yeah, do you pick up bodies? 256 00:11:50,374 --> 00:11:52,376 Is that a service you provide? Corpse removal? 257 00:11:52,459 --> 00:11:55,754 Hey, BoJack, you ever meet any Boston celebrities? 258 00:11:55,837 --> 00:11:57,631 Well, one time at Bristol Farms, 259 00:11:57,714 --> 00:12:00,717 Ben Affleck and I did reach for the same bunch of grapes. 260 00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:05,389 Oh, he eats grapes just like us? Hey, Ma, Ben Affleck eats grapes! 261 00:12:05,472 --> 00:12:07,057 He don't eat grapes! 262 00:12:07,140 --> 00:12:09,768 BoJack said he fed Affleck grapes. 263 00:12:09,851 --> 00:12:12,104 He was graping it up with the Daredevil himself. 264 00:12:12,187 --> 00:12:16,316 - This is the greatest day of my life. - Oh! 265 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:18,237 Hey, I don't suppose you boys would have any 266 00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:20,320 interest in maybe playing some touch football later? 267 00:12:20,404 --> 00:12:23,115 Are you kidding? Touch football with a star like you? 268 00:12:23,198 --> 00:12:25,158 That would be mad wicked pisser. 269 00:12:25,242 --> 00:12:26,701 Ooh, you know what else we got to do? 270 00:12:26,785 --> 00:12:29,663 We got to watch the Cryane video. 271 00:12:29,746 --> 00:12:31,290 Ooh, that sounds good. What's that? 272 00:12:31,373 --> 00:12:34,418 - No, we don't need to revisit that. - When Deedee was 16, 273 00:12:34,501 --> 00:12:37,170 we made up a secret pen pal for her named Leo. 274 00:12:37,254 --> 00:12:40,549 Guys, I really would rather not discuss it. 275 00:12:40,633 --> 00:12:42,468 We all took turns writing her letters, 276 00:12:42,551 --> 00:12:45,720 pretending to be this sensitive boy from Cambridge. 277 00:12:45,804 --> 00:12:47,473 It was wicked messed up. 278 00:12:47,556 --> 00:12:50,850 "Oh, Diane, we're two misunderstood souls. 279 00:12:50,934 --> 00:12:55,230 Everyone else is a phony. Yours forever, Leo." 280 00:12:55,314 --> 00:12:59,318 - What? That is amazing. - After six months of letters, 281 00:12:59,401 --> 00:13:01,820 we hired a homeless guy to pretend to be Leo 282 00:13:01,903 --> 00:13:04,364 and take her to the homecoming dance. 283 00:13:04,448 --> 00:13:05,782 - Look at her. - Watch, watch this part. 284 00:13:05,865 --> 00:13:08,992 I like your boutonnière. 285 00:13:09,027 --> 00:13:12,372 Why don't we watch this every day? 286 00:13:12,456 --> 00:13:13,748 - Look at her face. - Now that's a good prank. 287 00:13:13,832 --> 00:13:16,585 - I was humiliated. - Yeah, you wouldn't get it. 288 00:13:16,669 --> 00:13:18,420 It's a brothers thing, right, brothers? 289 00:13:18,504 --> 00:13:21,840 Whoo! That's Cryane for you. What a pussy. 290 00:13:21,923 --> 00:13:25,093 You know, it's nice that years later we can all laugh about this. 291 00:13:25,177 --> 00:13:27,012 Yep, my therapist thinks the same thing. 292 00:13:27,095 --> 00:13:28,972 I'm gonna go meet with the funeral director. 293 00:13:29,055 --> 00:13:30,641 Any of you boys want to come? 294 00:13:30,724 --> 00:13:32,559 Nah, I ain't so big on funeral homes, Deedee. 295 00:13:32,643 --> 00:13:34,186 All them dead bodies, they give me the jeebies. 296 00:13:34,269 --> 00:13:36,730 Yeah, Deedee, why do we got to go? 297 00:13:36,813 --> 00:13:40,233 Fine, none of you have to go. I'll take care of everything. 298 00:13:40,317 --> 00:13:42,068 Thank you, Diane. We all really appreciate it. 299 00:13:42,152 --> 00:13:45,374 - Come on, BoJack. - Why you got to take BoJack with you?! 300 00:13:45,409 --> 00:13:46,198 Boo! 301 00:13:46,281 --> 00:13:48,701 - Boo! - Boys, you have stolen my heart 302 00:13:48,783 --> 00:13:50,452 like Dave Roberts stole second base. 303 00:13:50,536 --> 00:13:52,663 Hey! He knows our things! 304 00:13:52,746 --> 00:13:55,207 I must go now, but I'll see you all at the funeral, okay? 305 00:13:55,290 --> 00:13:57,751 And when I do, you're all getting noogies. 306 00:13:57,834 --> 00:13:58,835 - Funeral! - Yeah! 307 00:13:58,918 --> 00:13:59,919 Whoo-hoo! 308 00:14:00,003 --> 00:14:01,129 Funeral! 309 00:14:01,213 --> 00:14:02,422 Funeral! Funeral! 310 00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:08,220 And now, a very special treat just for our platinum members. 311 00:14:08,303 --> 00:14:14,226 Let's take a peek at the slumbering Mr. Boreanaz himself. 312 00:14:14,309 --> 00:14:17,896 Get out of my room, Todd! I'm David Boreanaz. 313 00:14:17,979 --> 00:14:19,523 Ohh! 314 00:14:19,606 --> 00:14:21,066 And thus concludes our tour. 315 00:14:21,149 --> 00:14:22,901 Have a Boreanderful day. 316 00:14:24,986 --> 00:14:27,239 Tell me about your father. 317 00:14:27,322 --> 00:14:30,941 Well, he was a mean, sadistic alcoholic, who never supported 318 00:14:30,942 --> 00:14:34,204 anything I did and actively delighted in seeing me fail. 319 00:14:34,287 --> 00:14:38,041 Hmm, I see. Sounds like you're looking for 320 00:14:38,042 --> 00:14:39,834 our Piece of Shit Dad Package. 321 00:14:39,918 --> 00:14:41,754 That would be too good for my father. 322 00:14:41,836 --> 00:14:45,162 Hmm, I see. Might I then suggest our 323 00:14:45,163 --> 00:14:49,135 Piece of Shit Dad Package Would Be Too Good For Him Package. 324 00:14:49,219 --> 00:14:52,972 - Yeah, that's the one. - Excellent choice. 325 00:14:53,056 --> 00:14:55,016 Hey, can I suggest something? 326 00:14:55,100 --> 00:14:57,269 You might want to loosen up a little. 327 00:14:57,352 --> 00:14:59,104 I think you could actually learn a thing or two 328 00:14:59,187 --> 00:15:01,898 - from your brothers. - Are you kidding? 329 00:15:01,981 --> 00:15:04,025 If I was like my brothers, nothing would ever get done. 330 00:15:04,109 --> 00:15:07,188 I'm just saying, if you can't find a way to let off 331 00:15:07,189 --> 00:15:10,031 some steam you're going to explode. 332 00:15:10,115 --> 00:15:11,866 God damn it! Are you god damn kidding me? 333 00:15:11,950 --> 00:15:13,452 I keep getting calls from this unlisted number. 334 00:15:13,535 --> 00:15:15,370 Ignore. Who are these assholes? 335 00:15:15,454 --> 00:15:17,080 Why don't you just answer, and then you'll know? 336 00:15:17,163 --> 00:15:18,791 Oh, they'd just love that, wouldn't they? 337 00:15:18,873 --> 00:15:22,252 Ugh, how are we supposed to blackmail him if we can't reach him? 338 00:15:22,335 --> 00:15:24,713 Maybe we got to get him where he lives? 339 00:15:24,797 --> 00:15:29,134 - You mean... ? - That's right, his house. 340 00:15:30,469 --> 00:15:32,011 What the... Whose house is this? 341 00:15:32,095 --> 00:15:34,180 Is that David Boreanaz? 342 00:15:34,264 --> 00:15:37,100 I could've sworn BoJack Horseman lived here. 343 00:15:37,183 --> 00:15:38,769 Hey, let's keep these lines moving, huh? 344 00:15:38,852 --> 00:15:42,147 You want to stop and chat, you gotta pay for the extended stay ticket. 345 00:15:42,230 --> 00:15:44,149 Ah, so much, so much, so much. 346 00:15:44,232 --> 00:15:47,235 Another five Gs, T-Bag, and we are in the pink. 347 00:15:47,319 --> 00:15:48,737 I don't know, Princess Carolyn. 348 00:15:48,821 --> 00:15:52,407 I ran out of shoeboxes for the money, and the books aren't adding up. 349 00:15:52,491 --> 00:15:55,392 Plus the men's lav needs to be serviced, and I had to 350 00:15:55,393 --> 00:15:58,455 fire Janine in the gift shop for stealing Boreabble heads. 351 00:15:58,538 --> 00:16:01,249 I mean, how did I end up with all this responsibility? 352 00:16:01,333 --> 00:16:03,460 Hey, I'm not screwing around here, small fry. 353 00:16:03,543 --> 00:16:07,020 - You better make those numbers sing. - I don't think these offshore 354 00:16:07,021 --> 00:16:09,716 banks we've been using are 100% legal. 355 00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:12,177 Yeah, well, my mother told me never to slap an idiot. 356 00:16:12,260 --> 00:16:13,553 What? Ow! 357 00:16:13,637 --> 00:16:15,555 Now we're both breaking the rules. 358 00:16:15,639 --> 00:16:18,375 You listen, and you listen good. I've gotten used to 359 00:16:18,376 --> 00:16:21,060 a certain lifestyle since Boreanaz House went public, 360 00:16:21,144 --> 00:16:22,729 and I'm not going back to the old way. 361 00:16:22,813 --> 00:16:25,607 Mommy likes her shoes, see? And her pearls. 362 00:16:25,691 --> 00:16:28,943 Oh, I'm in too deep. I don't know what to do. 363 00:16:29,027 --> 00:16:30,487 I'll tell you what you should do. 364 00:16:30,570 --> 00:16:31,655 Who said that? 365 00:16:31,738 --> 00:16:33,198 It's me, David Boreanaz. 366 00:16:33,281 --> 00:16:35,534 Is that what David Boreanaz sounds like? 367 00:16:35,617 --> 00:16:38,662 Uh, sure. Let me give you some advice. 368 00:16:38,745 --> 00:16:41,874 As we say on my show... I want to say, New Girl?... 369 00:16:41,956 --> 00:16:44,292 just keep doing what you're doing, and you'll be fine. 370 00:16:44,376 --> 00:16:46,461 Wow, thanks, Davie B. 371 00:16:46,545 --> 00:16:49,381 Never call me that! 372 00:16:51,090 --> 00:16:54,887 - Unbelievable. - It's 4:00. I don't think anyone's coming. 373 00:16:54,969 --> 00:16:57,639 Unbe-goddamn-lievable! 374 00:16:57,723 --> 00:17:02,143 All those jerk wads had to do was show up, and they couldn't even do that! 375 00:17:02,227 --> 00:17:03,603 Where's the body even? 376 00:17:03,687 --> 00:17:05,939 Beg your pardon, minor hiccup. 377 00:17:06,022 --> 00:17:10,235 My goons went to pick your father up, but nobody was home. 378 00:17:10,318 --> 00:17:13,446 For a nominal fee, we can scrounge up another body for you. 379 00:17:13,530 --> 00:17:17,576 Would you care to peruse our loaner closet? 380 00:17:20,078 --> 00:17:22,455 Hey, assholes! Where were you? 381 00:17:22,539 --> 00:17:24,833 I planned the whole funeral, like you asked me to, 382 00:17:24,917 --> 00:17:28,176 - and nobody showed. - Yeah, we realized dad wouldn't 383 00:17:28,177 --> 00:17:29,963 have wanted some stuffy funeral. 384 00:17:30,046 --> 00:17:32,215 He would've wanted his body to be chopped up into chum 385 00:17:32,298 --> 00:17:35,928 - and thrown in Derek Jeter's fat face. - Yeah, suck it, Jeter! 386 00:17:36,010 --> 00:17:37,679 Wait, what? Where is Dad? 387 00:17:37,763 --> 00:17:39,431 We got him chummed. He's in the truck. 388 00:17:41,767 --> 00:17:45,771 - You chummed Dad? - It's what your father wanted, honey, 389 00:17:45,854 --> 00:17:48,732 but then you wouldn't know anything about that, would you? 390 00:17:48,815 --> 00:17:51,610 Let me get this straight. So instead of coming to the funeral 391 00:17:51,693 --> 00:17:54,654 that I paid for and spent all day organizing, 392 00:17:54,738 --> 00:17:57,783 you had Dad's body ground into chum, 393 00:17:57,866 --> 00:18:01,202 so you could throw his mushy remains on Derek Jeter? 394 00:18:01,286 --> 00:18:05,540 No, not just on Derek Jeter. We're gonna throw it into his fat face. 395 00:18:05,624 --> 00:18:07,041 - Yeah, his fat face. - In his fat face. 396 00:18:07,125 --> 00:18:08,460 The Yankees are in town this week. 397 00:18:08,543 --> 00:18:09,878 The planets are aligning, Deedee. 398 00:18:09,962 --> 00:18:12,464 Tommy, you begged me to stay and help. 399 00:18:12,547 --> 00:18:15,926 Why does everything always got to be about big-shot Diane? 400 00:18:16,009 --> 00:18:20,388 - Too good for her home. - I don't think I'm too good for my home. 401 00:18:20,472 --> 00:18:22,390 Yeah, guys, you got it all wrong. 402 00:18:22,474 --> 00:18:25,811 Diane isn't a big-shot. She's my ghostwriter. 403 00:18:25,894 --> 00:18:29,439 She's writing a book that's not even gonna have her name on it. 404 00:18:29,522 --> 00:18:32,818 You think this is how she expected her life would be going at 34? 405 00:18:32,901 --> 00:18:35,988 She lives with her rich boyfriend and doesn't pay rent. 406 00:18:36,070 --> 00:18:39,574 She's not too good for anything. 407 00:18:39,658 --> 00:18:42,243 - What? - Diane's a freeloader? 408 00:18:43,453 --> 00:18:47,457 - Even I pay rent. - BoJack helping? 409 00:18:52,545 --> 00:18:53,964 Whoa. 410 00:18:54,047 --> 00:18:58,718 This is why I told you to wait in the car! 411 00:18:58,802 --> 00:19:01,346 Oh, she snapped. Here comes Cryane. 412 00:19:01,471 --> 00:19:04,057 Hey, hey, Deedee, come on. 413 00:19:04,140 --> 00:19:08,102 Diane, you are making a public spectacle of yourself. 414 00:19:08,186 --> 00:19:10,647 Deedee, what are you doing with Dad's keys? 415 00:19:10,730 --> 00:19:12,148 Put those back. 416 00:19:12,231 --> 00:19:13,650 Oh, come on, that's Dad's truck. 417 00:19:13,733 --> 00:19:15,068 Dad's chum is in the back. 418 00:19:15,151 --> 00:19:16,653 No! No, no, no! 419 00:19:16,736 --> 00:19:19,113 Suck a dick, dumb shits! 420 00:19:19,197 --> 00:19:21,783 Well, that crazy clam did it. She took Pops. 421 00:19:21,867 --> 00:19:25,095 Oh, no, what are we gonna do? 422 00:19:25,578 --> 00:19:27,330 And it's a one-hopper back to the pitcher. 423 00:19:27,413 --> 00:19:31,084 Easy out at first. So what we're gonna do is nothing? 424 00:19:31,167 --> 00:19:33,211 Sox are on, and I haven't seen this one. 425 00:19:33,294 --> 00:19:35,213 Does anyone know where she might have gone? 426 00:19:35,296 --> 00:19:37,090 Ah, she used to run off like this all the time 427 00:19:37,173 --> 00:19:40,468 in high school, too. Who knows where crazy goes? 428 00:19:40,552 --> 00:19:42,762 I think I know where she went. 429 00:19:42,846 --> 00:19:46,058 Wait, you can't leave. The party's just getting started. 430 00:19:46,140 --> 00:19:48,476 I don't know, Diane was pretty upset, 431 00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:52,355 - and she's got your dad. - Oh, don't go, BoJack. 432 00:19:52,438 --> 00:19:53,940 You're like the fifth brother I never had. 433 00:19:54,024 --> 00:19:56,651 - I... Really? - Yeah, don't leave, bro. 434 00:19:56,735 --> 00:19:59,779 After this, we'll go play touch football and do a noogie parade. 435 00:19:59,863 --> 00:20:02,240 Ah, um... 436 00:20:03,408 --> 00:20:04,534 Everyone please disperse. 437 00:20:04,617 --> 00:20:08,538 This is an unlawful gathering. Disperse immediately. 438 00:20:10,373 --> 00:20:12,084 Oh, this isn't looking good, Princess Carolyn. 439 00:20:12,166 --> 00:20:14,961 - What are we gonna do? - What do you mean, we? 440 00:20:15,045 --> 00:20:17,589 Princess Carolyn always lands on her feet. 441 00:20:17,672 --> 00:20:18,673 Ha! 442 00:20:18,757 --> 00:20:20,466 Mr. Boreanaz, I presume. 443 00:20:20,550 --> 00:20:24,012 Um, would you like a Boreabble head? 444 00:20:24,096 --> 00:20:27,766 The amazing thing is, the house looks just like BoJack's house. 445 00:20:27,849 --> 00:20:29,642 They must have the same architect. 446 00:20:29,726 --> 00:20:31,269 Anyway, how are things with you? 447 00:20:31,352 --> 00:20:32,812 Not good. 448 00:20:32,896 --> 00:20:35,398 I should've known it was a waste of time to come back here. 449 00:20:35,481 --> 00:20:38,401 Oh, that's awful. Well, when you get back, 450 00:20:38,484 --> 00:20:40,403 I'll give you one of my patented Peanutbutter hugs. 451 00:20:40,486 --> 00:20:42,321 Crunchy and creamy. 452 00:20:42,405 --> 00:20:45,992 You know that patent wasn't approved, but I'll take it. 453 00:20:46,076 --> 00:20:50,122 - I have to go. BoJack's here. - BoJack, well, what's he doing... ? 454 00:20:50,204 --> 00:20:53,750 Hey. Sorry I said all that stuff about you. 455 00:20:53,833 --> 00:20:55,961 It's all true, isn't it? 456 00:20:56,044 --> 00:20:59,756 I found this letter back at the bar. I think it's for you. 457 00:21:01,674 --> 00:21:03,551 Look, just read it. I think you'll like it. 458 00:21:03,635 --> 00:21:08,347 "Dear Diane, it's me, your old pen pal Leo. 459 00:21:08,431 --> 00:21:11,517 This definitely isn't BoJack Horseman writing this." 460 00:21:11,601 --> 00:21:12,811 Keep reading. 461 00:21:12,894 --> 00:21:14,813 "You're a good person, Diane, 462 00:21:14,896 --> 00:21:17,107 and that's the most important thing. 463 00:21:17,190 --> 00:21:18,900 Even if no one appreciates you, 464 00:21:18,984 --> 00:21:21,569 it's important that you don't stop being good. 465 00:21:21,653 --> 00:21:24,948 I like how you always bring your own bags to the grocery store, 466 00:21:25,031 --> 00:21:27,659 and how you're always organized to go places. 467 00:21:27,742 --> 00:21:31,704 I like how you chew gum on the airplane so your ears will pop. 468 00:21:31,788 --> 00:21:34,707 A lot of people might not appreciate that about you, 469 00:21:34,791 --> 00:21:38,377 but I do. Yours forever, Leo." 470 00:21:38,461 --> 00:21:40,964 That's the best letter he ever wrote me. 471 00:21:41,047 --> 00:21:44,050 Look, take it from someone with his own shitty parents, 472 00:21:44,134 --> 00:21:45,927 family is a sinkhole, 473 00:21:46,011 --> 00:21:48,096 and you were right to get out when you had the chance. 474 00:21:48,180 --> 00:21:50,732 The stupid thing is, even now I still just want 475 00:21:50,733 --> 00:21:53,018 them to be proud of me and think I did good. 476 00:21:53,101 --> 00:21:54,894 Is that really stupid? 477 00:21:54,978 --> 00:21:56,188 - Yep. - No, it isn't. 478 00:21:56,270 --> 00:21:59,482 Yeah, it is. You want those guys to be proud of you? 479 00:21:59,565 --> 00:22:01,776 I guess I was just hoping to get some modicum of closure. 480 00:22:01,860 --> 00:22:05,571 Closure is a made up thing by Steven Spielberg to sell movie tickets. 481 00:22:05,655 --> 00:22:09,742 It, like true love and the Munich Olympics, doesn't exist in the real world. 482 00:22:09,826 --> 00:22:13,371 The only thing to do now is just to keep living forward. 483 00:22:13,454 --> 00:22:15,915 Yeah, but every time I come back here they... 484 00:22:15,999 --> 00:22:19,252 So don't come back here. What's great about Los Angeles 485 00:22:19,335 --> 00:22:21,880 is nobody cares about where you're from or who you are. 486 00:22:21,963 --> 00:22:24,883 It's a superficial town where you can worry about stupid shit 487 00:22:24,966 --> 00:22:26,425 like keeping your pool clean, 488 00:22:26,509 --> 00:22:28,220 and what artisanal nuts to put on your salad. 489 00:22:28,302 --> 00:22:31,139 - I do like salad. - Oh, it's the best. 490 00:22:31,223 --> 00:22:34,600 - Why do you think people keep moving there? - Thanks, BoJack. 491 00:22:34,684 --> 00:22:38,897 The good news is, your dad can't hurt anyone ever again. 492 00:22:40,481 --> 00:22:42,441 Uh-oh. 493 00:22:44,069 --> 00:22:46,029 ♪ Gonna spend the day ♪ 494 00:22:46,112 --> 00:22:50,533 ♪ Over at Fenway ♪ 495 00:22:50,616 --> 00:22:53,286 Thank you so much, Derek Jeter. 496 00:22:53,369 --> 00:22:55,747 I thought a big baseball hotshot like you 497 00:22:55,830 --> 00:22:59,709 would be too busy to help us old ladies across the street. 498 00:22:59,792 --> 00:23:02,378 I always have time to look out for my elders, 499 00:23:02,461 --> 00:23:04,422 Yankee fan or no. 500 00:23:04,505 --> 00:23:06,299 Is that a barrel of chum? 501 00:23:08,426 --> 00:23:10,178 ♪ Only at Fenway ♪ 502 00:23:10,262 --> 00:23:12,638 ♪ Ba-dum, ba-da-dum ♪ 503 00:23:12,722 --> 00:23:15,058 Um, I'll meet you inside. I have to make a call. 504 00:23:15,141 --> 00:23:17,185 Okay. 505 00:23:20,230 --> 00:23:23,316 It's Herb. You know what to do. 506 00:23:23,399 --> 00:23:29,322 Hey, Herb, look, I think we have some unfinished business. 507 00:23:29,405 --> 00:23:31,908 It seems like life's too short to hold grudges 508 00:23:31,991 --> 00:23:34,286 and stuff like that, you know what I'm saying? 509 00:23:34,368 --> 00:23:36,996 About life being too short? Well, of course you know what I'm saying. 510 00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:40,416 You're the one with terminal... I feel like I'm doing all the talking here. 511 00:23:40,499 --> 00:23:42,335 So anyway, I thought maybe we could chat. 512 00:23:42,418 --> 00:23:44,420 Why don't you give me a call, okay? 513 00:23:44,503 --> 00:23:48,174 Um... so smell you later? 514 00:23:48,258 --> 00:23:51,552 This is BoJack. Horseman. Obviously. 515 00:23:52,971 --> 00:23:55,974 Ugh, who keeps calling me? 516 00:23:56,057 --> 00:23:59,560 Come on, BoJack. Pick up, pick up. 517 00:23:59,644 --> 00:24:01,062 I'm sure he'll pick up. 518 00:24:01,146 --> 00:24:03,815 It's BoJack. You know what to do. 519 00:24:06,525 --> 00:24:08,236 ♪ Back in the '90s ♪ 520 00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:13,074 ♪ I was in a very famous TV show ♪ 521 00:24:15,368 --> 00:24:17,745 - # I'm BoJack the horse # - # BoJack # 522 00:24:17,829 --> 00:24:19,164 ♪ BoJack the horse ♪ 523 00:24:19,247 --> 00:24:22,334 ♪ Don't act like you don't know ♪ 524 00:24:24,919 --> 00:24:28,965 ♪ And I'm trying to hold on to my past ♪ 525 00:24:29,048 --> 00:24:30,508 ♪ It's been so long ♪ 526 00:24:30,591 --> 00:24:33,886 ♪ I don't think I'm gonna last ♪ 527 00:24:33,970 --> 00:24:35,513 ♪ I guess I'll just try ♪ 528 00:24:35,638 --> 00:24:37,473 ♪ And make you understand ♪ 529 00:24:37,556 --> 00:24:42,020 ♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪ 530 00:24:42,103 --> 00:24:46,191 ♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪ 531 00:24:46,274 --> 00:24:48,109 ♪ BoJack ♪ 532 00:24:50,903 --> 00:24:52,197 Boxer versus raptor. 533 00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:53,997 ♪ Na na na na na na na na ♪ 534 00:24:55,108 --> 00:24:58,172 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~