I like to think about the beginning of the universe a lot.
A lot, a lot.
About how there's ten trillion galaxies,
more stars than grains of sand on the Earth,
how it's been around for 13.82 billion years, give or take.
So why does this stupid little moment feel so big?
It's so small.
My first day at public school.
That's my mom holding my hand.
Are you sure we should be holding hands?
- Yeah, yeah, obviously. - Don't be nervous.
Let's go in. I'm freezing my tits off out here.
Okay.
Big freaking exam day.
I don't know this yet,
but walking through those doors is gonna change my life forever,
like some supernova explosion of love.
Wait. Oh, that's a really pretty image.
Rewind.
Let's go to the beginning of me.
Hey, Liam. Hey. Liam?
Okay, what are your obstacles for tomorrow's exam? Go.
Uh, sometimes I get lazy with my handwriting and my Y's look like J's.
- Yes. - I can do better. I can do better.
Mom, uh... And I get nervous sweats.
Go to Cambridge, study with Stephen Hawking,
become the second-most famous astronomer of all time.
Honey, I think you can become most famous.
I mean, it's Stephen Hawking, come on.
Hot hint for today's practice exam,
it's just a practice.
But tomorrow, not too much water pre-exam.
- Why not? - Too many bathroom breaks.
- Right. - Okay.
Batter up. Ready?
I'm already a little bit excited.
- Yeah. - Yeah, look, I'm sweating.
- Really? - Looks like excite sweat.
- That's fun. - You wanna feel it?
Yeah.
Ew! Okay.
All right. Ready?
You may begin... now.
Oh, nuts!
- Can I sharpen my pencil? - Yes.
We should get you a good mechanical pencil.
- Really? - Mmm-hmm.
- Let's celebrate! - Okay.
Wiggles] - I am.
What do you mean?
-L'm celebrating. - When?
- Right now. - Now?
- Right now. - You're celebrating right now?
Yep.
Well, we can really celebrate at prom tomorrow night.
Are you excited? We can really cut loose.
Yeah, I was thinking of maybe just doing some silent reading.
Liam!
When you graduate, you have to have a prom.
It's a rite of passage.
Who did you invite?
YOU?
Well, of course I'm gonna be there, sweetie.
- My best friend. - You know what?
I love you infinity.
Go outside and play, kiddo.
Okay.
Okay, now remember, always put down an answer
even if you don't know the answer.
And start with the easiest questions first,
and then move on to the hardest questions,
because that way you'll leave yourself more time
for the things you don't know
and you won't stress out
about the things that you do know,
because you'll be freaking out about
some of the harder questions.
Liam?
Wow, there are so many students!
Honey, focus.
- Focus, okay? - Yeah.
Ugh! I had to go to this school.
I had to go to this school for stupid people, but you don't.
You're going to Cambridge, because you are special
and you're perfect, all right?
Remember that.
Now we put you in layers,
because if it gets cold, you can put 'em back on.
When you get hot, you can take 'em off.
Okay, and don't, like, look all, like, up in the sky
back and forth like Stevie Wonder
if you don't know the answer,
because they will nail your butt for cheating.
They will. Okay?
Now, when you pass this test,
you are a high school graduate.
Okay, go! Go get 'em!
What? Oh!
Hi, Autumn.
Hi, Liam.
Meet Autumn.
She runs a not-for-profit
that protests cruelty to snails.
All this training for you, my dear.
And you can begin...
now.
Only losers get 97 fricking percent.
I've been here all morning.
Autumn insisted that we come early.
Gross.
You know, Autumn's been requesting
we do a unit on Bolivian weaving.
- Hmm. - She can't get enough of it. Get this.
She made a traditional Bolivian flat-knot for me.
I've been using it as a phone case.
Liam is obsessed with black holes.
- I love it when you do that. - Thank you.
Do you want me to talk dirty?
Yes.
Looks like we're gonna need a new trophy case, huh?
These aren't trophies.
They're just awards for participation.
We have a very high rate of participation.
It's Dumbo. Participation's mandatory, not award-worthy.
Well, at this school, it's award-worthy, you know.
I'm the principal.
- Okay. - That's nice.
Normally that impresses people.
My name's on this one.
It's a participation award for the debate club.
Oh, yeah. There you go. Yeah. Hey, congrats.
Thanks. I got pregnant on that field trip.
That's quite a bit of participation.
I have a son. I home-school him.
Home-school kids.
- Normally that impresses people. - Yeah.
Well, hey, next time you're here,
we'll setup an appointment and we'll talk curriculum. Yeah?
Okay, great. We'll probably never be here again, though.
- Okay. - Ugh!
That was the closest I've been to sex in a while.
Me, too.
You know, the kids here are getting way more than me,
like circle-jerk parties at 13!
Yeah. That's why I'm going with Liam to Cambridge,
to protect him from getting derailed.
Autumn's not getting derailed without me.
No one's having sex with those kids but us.
Around.
- Yes. - Or nearby at least.
'Etimer b e8 was! ps1
Fifty-three minutes left.
Good Job, Liam. Pat on the back.
What? All done?
It's impossible.
Apparently it is not.
Uh, you should know that someone wrote on the desk
with permanent marker, "You're a dirty cocksucker."
I'm not a dirty cocksucker.
It wasn't me.
The light from the Quanta 6 supernova
is probably hitting Earth right now.
Wow! Crazy!
Can I get my test back?
- Yeah, what's your name? -lt's Liam Heap.
It's right there. It's the only one there.
Right.
You're the kid that called me "the dirty cocksucker."
That wasn't me. Somebody wrote it on the desk.
You kids start these nasty rumors
about me and Tony, the Phys. Ed. teacher,
because you see me and Tony hanging at lunch, shooting hoops?
Well, all right, yeah.
I had been with a man, and it was Tony.
But I'm... I'm not a dirty cocksucker.
Can I just have my test back, please?
Okay.
You double-aced it, right? I mean, you did, right?
You did. I can tell.
Ooh! It's written all over your superb little face.
I almost think we should get ice cream.
Almost.
You know what else I was thinking?
I was thinking today...
um, I'm gonna go to Cambridge with you.
I mean, why not?
You're gonna be there all by yourself. Right?
Right?
Oh, well, it's locked and zippered.
Well, let's just...
Oh, wait. Hold on one second.
I have the key!
So I will...
Oh, wow! It is not budging the vault.
I see.
It's the wrong key, Mom.
Cambridge. Oh, God! University life.
Hey, you got any hotties coming in?
No, I don't have any girlfriends here.
Hey, what's that?
My friend book.
It's like online, but not online.
As you can see, the top two spaces are solidly filled,
but the third is up for grabs.
If you're interested, I can put you down.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, put me down there.
That list should fill up and go viral.
Okay. I would really like to cut in.
All right, he's all yours.
- Okay. - Thanks.
Come here, you.
- This is nice. - Yeah.
I feel like a pretty cool kid.
You are such a cool kid.
I hope this is a long song, 'cause Grandma
is chomping at the bit to dance with you.
You look like a real man today, Liam.
What?
Good night!
Good night, Mom!
- Go ahead, open it. - You already did.
Read it.
- Do you know what that means? - That you opened it?
What else?
That I didn't graduate high school?
No. You failed!
You failed home-school! You failed us!
Look, I can take the test again in four months.
There must be some kind of error. 6% in physics?
Physics, Liam. You own physics!
Technically, I don't own physics.
Technically, physics owns me.
How can you get 6%?
- I caved. - Caved how?
Under intense high school pressures.
Bull crap!
You know this stuff.
This is why you've been such a hush-hush bug. What...
What is it?
- Those questions were hard. - Bull crap!
And plus, females.
I got all frightened, and tingly, and--
Whoa.
Hold the telephone.
You're rebelling.
That's what this is.
Oh, my God! I can't... I can't even look at your face.
You're rebelling so much. I can't.
- Mom. - No.
- Mom, look at me. - No.
- Mom, look at my face. - No! No!
Look. Mom! I saw some things that I have never seen before.
I think I need to fess up here.
Yeah.
I was thinking that maybe I might make the decision
that it's kinda time for me to maybe go to public school.
Public school? Are you trying to kill me?
Liam, I have taught you more in days
than they could teach you in years!
Public school?
- Mom, I don't know what to say. - Baloney!
What 12-year-old boy
teaches blind kids to read Braille in Cambodia?
You are a man of the world!
Baby, I don't get it.
Can you just give me... Give me ten reasons!
I'm sorry.
Now I just wanna be clear right off the bat.
This is school, right?
We're not just sitting around the house
learning about pirates and making volcanoes.
This school is serious.
As in serious gangs and serious drugs. Yeah.
Sometimes I don't even wanna walk down the halls.
Some of these guys are packing heat.
I mean, take for example, Maria Sanchez. She's...
Yeah, just like you,
straight A's, sweet kid.
But unfortunately, she just took a leave.
- Because of the drugs? - No.
She's got a lung thing. Or no, it's a...
It's a brain thing. It's one or the other.
It's... I've got it here. I got it here somewhere.
What's happening? What's that?
I don't... Okay, I don't...
You know, it's a zoo here, okay?
We've got over 2,000 students.
Right. Well, we tried. Let's go.
What if I took the sick girl's spot?
What are you getting at, kid?
Well, if Maria Sanchez is sick, then I can take her seat,
her classes, I can do her homework.
I mean, you have a free space
to experience high school for one week.
That would save me a lot of paperwork.
You can't really do that, though. Can you?
Yeah. No. I mean, I can do anything
with a memo. Just...
Yeah, Liam can slide right
into Maria's slot
and take-- take her place from the...
Um, let's see.
Yeah, go to her classes, sit at her desk, do her assignments.
This is her class. That's her class schedule.
And you're gonna need this. This is her ID.
Modern dance and Phys. Ed. ls that necessary?
Yeah. Maria Sanchez is one of our top learners.
This looks like a community center schedule,
or some kind of assisted living center schedule.
A little independence.
It's good for you.
This is so hard.
I know.
- Do you have your key? - Yeah.
- Okay. And your cell? - Oh, yeah. It's...
Okay. Right, one last hug.
Okay, final hug. Go.
Okay, hug break.
We're stuck together, you and me.
- Yeah, forever. - Forever.
- Well, not forever. - No, forever.
-Okay. -Okay.
Okay!
Hey.
- Who're you? - Hello.
My name's Liam Heap. I'm here for a week
to win over the one-legged girl.
And I'm filling in for Maria Sanchez.
This is her locker?
Yeah, Maria is my locker buddy,
and you're not getting the combo.
See, I got my trophies in there.
Okay, you may not recognize me,
but I am the reigning champ
at the Cherry Rock High Halloween Contest,
four years in a row.
Four years.
I got last year, the year before that,
and the year before that.
You know what I'm saying?
That means that I am the bar.
Yeah.
You like Rigoberto Bianco?
Yeah, is he a wizard or...
No, no. He's like a... He's like a Spanish Michael Bolton.
Look, I'm here on a mission.
Right, the one-legged wonder girl.
I swear, there's a new guy in here every term chasing after her.
You know, she never told anybody what happened to her leg.
She saves that.
It's legend.
Anyway, just to be clear...
we're not gonna be friends.
I got enough friends.
Right.
- Corey. - Here.
- Stephanie. - Present.
Justine.
Wow! Same class.
Looking at her was like looking at Arp 273, the rose of galaxies.
Anastasia.
- Rider. - Anastasia.
- George. - Present.
Maria.
Maria Sanchez.
Oh, uh, here.
Can I help you, Mr. Teacher?
Maria's five-second rule experiment.
I expect it at the end of the term.
No, um, actually, I'm not Maria Sanchez.
I'm just here for a week. I'm home-schooled.
Aren't we all?
- Sarah. - Here.
Harry.
No.
- No. - Honey?
Not in a classroom.
- It's my mom. - Liam, are you there?
Hola, mi nombre es Maria Sanchez.
No, I'm Maria Sanchez.
She has, like, a lung or a brain thing. It's pretty bad.
J"Ah
on!
Hi, penis breath.
Where's Maria?
Oh, she's sick with a lung and a brain thing.
It's at... My name is actually not "penis breath," it's Liam.
I'm BDC.
- BDC? - Brian Denis Chad.
That's like three first names, sort of.
No. That's a first, middle, and last.
Yeah, in that... In your case, yeah.
Earthquake, Maria!
Good.
Hello!
Liam, hello. Honey, is everything all right?
Liam? Hello?
Hey, Mom. No, it's fine.
It was a wrong number. Sorry, I didn't mean to call you.
Oh. Okay, I love you, sweetie.
I love you, too. Bye.
You're an even bigger nerd than me.
Oh, yeah, I just figured I'd warm my pants up. Toasty.
Oh, I forget to tell you BDC is an asshole.
Yeah, I figured that out.
So, what? Everybody calls me "Maria" now?
It's caught on pretty fast. I mean, your name's Maria now.
It's pretty. Work with it.
Hey, new kid on the block.
- She has a limp? - Yeah.
A real irregular gait. Not weird, just irregular,
like she puts all of her movement onto her strongest leg.
Kinda like one of those gimpy dogs that has all that courage.
Liam, are you sure that this girl is real?
She kinda reminds me of a cyborg, but she's very real.
- Did she say anything else to you? - Yeah, I told you.
She looked at me and then she smiled like this.
And then she said, "Ooh, hello there, you."
- I think she likes you. - Whoa!
Okay, uh,
wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow!
Uh, I don't know. That's... Mmm, okay.
I knew this would happen.
I mean, if I'd had a girl, she would stay with me forever,
like, even after she got married.
But a guy like you, meet a girl and then you're gone.
- What? That's not true. - Yeah, it is true.
Grandma warned me it was gonna happen, and she was right.
Grandma, that's not true. Mom, you're my best friend.
I love you infinity.
- That's a long time. - Yeah, it's the most.
It wasn't until the next day
that I realized in that one minute between 1:44 and 1:45,
right near the southwest handicapped bathroom,
we would pass each other.
Hi!
Every day.
Hello.
Hey!
Whoo!
Are you... Can I ask?
- Mmm-hmm. Yeah. - We haven't really talked about this.
I just feel like you're moving so fast already.
Are you thinking about sleeping with her?
Oh, Mom! I mean, Grandma's right here.
She's eating. She's not listening.
- Grandma, you want a fire truck? - Yes, dear.
Okay, so, are you thinking of sex?
Yes, honey.
- No, Mom, I'm talking to Liam. - I mean, no.
No, I mean, I was sort of thinking about touching her leg,
touching her leg at school is sort of like a legend, so...
Liam, I'm not stupid. No one celebrates virginity.
I mean, we should.
- High five! - Right?
Yeah! Now, I know I'm a mom,
but I know you boys think about it,
I change your sheets, and I know the pressure you put on yourselves,
but listen, I mean,
you guys have gone so far already that I think, you know,
I think she might be...
-a bit of a whore. - Whoa!
- I mean, I hate that I had to say that.
You know, I think maybe I should eat lunch in the cafeteria.
So you can have lunch with the one-legged girl?
Well, it just doesn't seem like a lot of other moms
are here with their kids at school.
That cafeteria serves homeless-person food.
I'm adding years to your life here.
Well, I just feel like maybe I should eat lunch with the other students.
If you were having lunch with a guy, I'd be fine with that.
You'd be fine if your mom was dude-dating?
Yeah, yeah, I would.
I mean, if he was a nice gentleman.
- Okay, but-- - I'm not allowed to have sugar.
No, you can have sugar.
I don't care. Makes you grumpy-pants, but... Whatever.
Okay. Well, I'm gonna stealth out of the car and you're not gonna be able to see me
'cause I'm gonna be so stealthy. Ninja.
Liam, you left the door open!
God damn it!
Ugh! Dang it!
Ugh!
Oh! Hey, Maria.
I actually just called you last night
and I got some Spanish Antonio Banderas guy.
- Is that your dad? - No, that's probably Maria's number.
- Oh, yeah! Right. I didn't-- - Spanish, yeah.
I don't speak Spanish, so I didn't...
Didn't occur to me, yeah.
Oh! Uh, shoot, I better go.
I have to say hi to a girl.
Yeah, me, too. Oh, hey! One second.
I actually do need your number,
your mother's number.
Oh, okay.
Oh, okay, now, I can call this nu...
I can speak to your...
- To your... Your dad? - Nope, just my mom.
Fuck yeah! Okay. Yeah, it's just procedural stuff.
I figured out that at 1:58 p.m.,
if I cut through the gym to the east hall,
I would pass her again, get one more hello.
Oh, hey! Deja vu.
- Hey! - Hey!
Hey! You ready to go home, bucko?
Actually, I have badminton practice.
Badminton? What? But you've done the week. We said one week.
Yeah, the badminton team needs me.
Sanchez. Bad.
So I'm just gonna go practice after
and then maybe just a few more months of school.
A few more months? Are you joking?
I just maybe feel like I needed to adjust,
and then I'll rewrite the exam and I'll double-ace it,
and I'll go to Cambridge and I'll study with Stephen Hawking.
It's just a little bit of badminton at school. It's fine.
Jump in the car and we'll talk.
Well, I have to practice right now, like right now.
But the... It's fish Friday!
- It is? - Well, it's Friday.
- Well, what kinda fish? - Rainbow trout.
No, I... Sorry, I gotta go to badminton.
Sorry, Mom. I love you. Bye, save some for me.
What are you doing here?
Badminton. You?
Badminton. Where'd you get that?
- Over there. -lt's game.
- When... What? -lt's game.
- What do you mean? -lt's lingo.
- Lingo for the game? - No, lingo for the racket.
The racket is game.
Who are they?
They're the angels of death.
- Liam? - No, this is Mr. Kelly, the principal.
Uh, Listen, I know your boy, Maria--
Liam. His name is Liam. ls he okay?
Right. Yeah, of course, he goes by Liam at home.
Yeah, no, he's fine, he's okay.
Uh, like, I understand him staying on. You know, off the record, um,
I'm single, and, you know, I remember the other week you came by and you,
uh, over by the trophy case, you were asking me
if I was impressed with your homeschooling
and I just wanted to say, "Yeah, I am."
What?
lam. Hello?
- Is that... - Uh!
Uh...
Mmm-mmm... Hmm...
Mmm, mmm, mmm...
Oh!
Maria, I swear to God.
Come on!
- Nice game, Maria. - Hit the showers, boys.
Yeah, right. I shower alone.
Ah! I'm like the moon or something
slowly moving away from Mother Earth.
3.87 centimeters a year, actually.
It's a thing. It really is.
Thanks for the fish.
Yeah, sure.
I love you infinity.
- Hey. - Okey.
I hear you loud and clear,
and I know why you wanna stay at school
until the end of the term.
You're rebelling with a capital R,
and I think it's a good thing, a necessary thing for our success at Cambridge.
So let's do it now together
and get it out of your system before university
in a safe and responsible way, okay?
Do what together?
RebeL
Your rebellion.
I want you to have friends,
teach you your teenage rebellion.
Just when I think I know you,
you surprise the living bejesus out of me.
Thank you.
Why is it weird to say my mom's cool
and she's my best friend?
- It's not weird. - No, it is.
At school, moms aren't cool.
They should be.
I love you.
Beep boop, my little robot man.
Oh, beep hoop.
You power down now. You got work tomorrow.
- Beep boop, mmm. - You're still buzzing.
Beep hoop, oh!
Okay, brainstorming.
What are outlets that teens rebel with?
- Liam. - Swimming after I eat.
I think you could think a little bit bigger.
- Mmm. - Liam.
Um, not wearing pants.
Mm, how about staying out late?
That's good.
With girls.
- Ooh. - Skipping school.
Ooh. Uh, ooh, ooh, ooh! Uh, swearing.
Bingo, bango. Yes.
- Getting my nose pierced. - No way. No way.
That is permanent. Why don't we start with swearing?
Go ahead. Say the big one.
Dicks.
Why would you say that? Say the big one.
The "F" one with the...
Fuck.
- What? - Fuck.
I didn't quite hear you.
- Fuck. - So weird to hear you say that.
- Okay, say it again. - Fuck.
- With conviction! - Fuck!
- Like an afro singer. - Fuck!
Now point to that book and say, "Fuck off, book!"
-"Fuck off, book!" - Yeah, do it again, uh...
- Fuck you, uh, chalkboard. - Yeah!
Fuck you, chalk.
Fuck you, chair. Fuck you, table.
Fuck you, highlighters.
Fuck you, pencil, fuck you, red pens,
fuck you, black pens, fuck you, blue pens.
- And fuck you-- - No, don't you effing dare.
No, "F" for fail.
Sorry.
I forgive you.
Now that word is also a verb.
Liam, I can see it written
all over your face
and there is no easy way to do this.
When I say "Trojan,"
what is your first thought?
The ancient city of Troy, Hector and Achilles,
the Greek and Trojan soldiers famous for their bravery
in battle and their seven-layered ox-hide shields.
And sodomy.
So the Trojans are still very much alive today.
They are living in there.
Think of that as a one-layer latex shield.
Who would go into battle without one of those on their penis, right?
- Right, that's a good point. - Okay, so...
I want you to practice in here alone in the dark.
I'll be in the kitchen if you need me.
Oh, hello, Anastasia.
You see, I have this condom here.
I was wondering if you'd like to have intercourse with me.
Oh, you would?
Great.
- Mom? - Yeah.
Eight seconds.
I don't know what happened, but eventually her...
Hello!
...turned into... - Hey.
...which then became...
Until finally...
We were a 110% off each other.
Wow. Crazy.
Oh, frig! Oh, frig!
You look like you need a hug.
No, no, no, I'm not allowed to touch the students.
But you definitely look like you need a hug.
Come with me. Let's talk about your future.
So what did you say this was called again?
Astronomy.
Astronomy. Astronomy.
I don't see astronomy in here, but I do see massage therapy.
Yeah, I was thinking more astronomy.
Yeah, but you could get your certificate
in eight months and you're done.
Okay.
Besides, you look like a massage therapist.
Do you know how good that is? You get to touch people.
I can't touch anybody here. I'm just saying,
you gotta keep your options open, you know?
You know, a few years ago,
there was a kid who did a string of B-and-E's.
He got sent to the state pen for three years.
But he fast-tracked a sociology degree for free.
I'm not saying that's the route you need to go,
but something to think about.
You know, my whole life,
all I've wanted to do is astronomy.
All right. Why don't we do this?
Why don't we take our personality/job test
on the computer, and see what that says?
Okay.
Hey, that... The guy
who did the B-and-E's
and then went to jail, uh, what did he become?
At a party, do you interact
with everyone, few, yourself?
Everyone.
Yourself, C.
Do you walk with big steps,
varied steps, little steps?
Big steps!
Little steps.
When meeting new people, do you introduce yourself,
wait to be introduced, be silent?
You introduce yourself.
Be silent.
Ugh, why can't I be the guy who picks A?
Oh, look at that 'stache!
Okay, Liam, it is... It is the easiest thing in the world
to entertain a woman.
Honestly, you just
ask her questions about herself.
Get her talking. Pretend I'm Anastasia, okay?
You're not Anastasia.
You are Liam, I'm Anastasia!
- Comment on my looks. - You look like my mom.
Well, I'll take that as a compliment.
Do you wanna talk about my... my smile?
You have a nice smile. It makes me smile.
Do you wanna say something about how I smell?
You smell like my mom.
Well, your mom smells good.
Look, Anastasia, don't you think
it's a little a bit weird that my mom
is on a date with us?
No, I think that you have a very cool mother.
Yeah, who has a loser for a son.
Liam! What are you doing?
Something I should have done a long time ago.
- Maria. - Oh, great.
I got your personality and job match back.
Good news!
You know, some stories have a sad ending.
This one, I believe, is a very happy ending.
Massage therapist, just like I thought.
What's wrong? Come on in. Sit down.
- It's your father, isn't it? - No.
- What did your father do? - Nothing.
It's okay. Those are tough questions.
It's a girl thing. It's a girl problem.
I have a problem with a girl.
Oh, it's a girl problem.
See this cup? This cup is you.
- Okay. - Sweet, precious, gentle.
It's got a heart.
Do not share your cup with someone
unless you're ready to have it smashed.
Now put it back together.
I can't put it back together.
Hey, kid! You want some candy?
- Mom? Hey! - Come on.
I got some good shit in here.
- What are you talking about? - Come on, kid, get in the car.
You're being weird.
What are you? A pussy?
Pussy, pussy, pussy, PUSSY,
pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy!
All right.
I can't believe you got in the car so quickly!
- What if I was a pervert? - What? You're my mom.
- What is that? - Weed.
Okay, now you're bound
to get pressured into it at some point,
so let's just try it now
in a safe environment.
Well, where did you-- where did you--
Where did you get this?
Where-- ls this a...
This is a test.
- No. Say "no" to drugs. - No, no.
No, honey, it's not a test.
This is a-- This is a supervised first try.
It's called a "hotbox."
You get, like, a little bit of a better high,
because it's like you're in a box.
You serious? Yeah, I know.
No, I know the physics of it.
I just don't know the ethics.
Are you...
You shouldn't sm--
Ooh!
It's burny.
It's Bernie Sanders.
Are we gonna get-- Um, are we gonna get
caught or busted or...
No, you're with me and Grandma.
Here, take a hit.
Is it indica or sativa or ruderalis?
I don't know.
Well, they have different THC levels.
Well, go ahead and hurry up and hit it.
I don't wanna get caught.
What do you mean, get caught?
I thought this was...
I thought it was prescription.
- Grandma? - Mm-hmm.
- Well, it's legal for her. - But not for us?
Technically... Technically, no.
-- Oh, my God! He scared me.
Hide that. Hide the joint! Hide the joint!
- Hey, hi. - Hello.
- Principal Kelly!
Wow! It definitely smells like marijuana in here.
Yeah, Grandma's arthritis is a real knock-out.
- Oh! Hi, Grandma! -lt's Grandma.
Yeah. Look, I'm no disciplinarian, okay?
- Thank God! - I just play one for work.
- So, I'm fun a guy. - Yeah.
Um, listen, I wanna just... We got disconnected before
and I would just love
to cook you kebabs at my place.
It's a great view, if you're into that.
Um, maybe some wine, if you like.
Maybe a mutually- agreed-upon kiss,
if you are into that.
Okay. No. Um, look, I-- I should be clear.
I have very strict rules about not hooking up
with teachers at my school. Right.
- But anyone outside ofschoolofageis". - Mm-hmm.
...fair game, and you're your own school,
so you're fair game.
I sort of have a rule about dating my son's...
My son's... My son's principals.
- So... - Yeah.
You guys drive safe. Okay.
Bye!
- Holy buckets. - Holy buckets is right.
That was totally cookadoo.
But I think he didn't know we were high.
- Oh, my God! - What?
That's her. That's Anastasia.
- The girl with the limp? - Yeah.
- What the heck? - She's our neighbor?
How have I never seen her here before?
You are so much more handsome than that guy.
She's gonna flip out when she finds out
you're on the badminton team.
- No. - Do you wanna smoke any more?
- No. - No, thank you.
I'm pretty high now.
Oh, crap. It says,
"Do not drive or operate any heavy machinery." Oops!
All right, mate?
Good night, penis breath.
Oh, I'm such a loser.
Maria, you got no shot.
Okay. Girls, they just...
They just date dicks.
Love guys who treat 'em like dicks,
and girls just love dicks.
Then I'm gonna be Anastasia's dick.
Well, then you gotta make a bold dick move, man.
- You know, show her you can compete. - Yeah.
- Girls love that shit. - Yeah.
Yeah. Wait...
Uh, you mean like kiss her?
- Well, did she try to kiss you? - No.
- Mmm. Did you see her bobos? - No.
- Have you ever seen bobos, Liam? - Yes.
- You're full of shit. - No, I have!
- Hey. - Hey-
- I'm gonna go to bed. - Okay.
- Good night. - Good night.
That's absolutely disgusting,
but hot at the same time.
You know, your mom is really hot.
Like she could be your sister.
God, I'd play
all 18 holes of that.
Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, what's their problem?
- Holy fuck! - What? What?
Uh, Maria Sanchez is dead.
The day Maria died...
was the best day of my life.
Suddenly everyone treated me like I had died,
but I never felt more alive.
Hey.
I'm a total dick.
Do you know I never said a single word to Maria,
but now I kinda feel like because of you
I get the chance to change that.
God! I love you, Maria Sanchez.
I'm s-- sorry, Maria.
Most people didn't give a shit about Maria.
I mean, Aisley sure as hell wasn't her friend.
I guess it's like nobody really cares until--
You lose a leg.
Yeah.
Um, I'm gonna be right back, okay?
- Okay. - Yeah.
Oh, God, ew!
Bold dick move. You gotta do it.
You didn't cut him up?
Uh, no, I didn't have the heart.
Hey, you live in Greenwood Street, right?
Yeah.
One sec. Sorry.
Fire alarm.
My mom and I practiced this at home. Follow me.
Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire!
- Rum. - Rum.
Rum Tum Tugger.
I know. It's rummy.
Mmm.
- Mmm. - What? ls it skunked?
I think it's gone bad.
I don't think it's bad.
Mmm.
Gross, but the least worst.
Oh, God, honey, I love you,
but that is a pussy drink.
- Oh, that's perfect! - No. No.
Like bad pussy, like you are the pussy.
So wait, I get... We wanna get the pussy, not drink the pussy.
I mean, yes,
but what I meant by pussy in this situation is,
is that it's wimpy. Wimpy.
So drinking a wimpy drink makes you wimpy and then wimpy...
Wimpy guys don't get the literal pussy.
If we're gonna talk anatomy,
-can we talk about balls? - Sure.
- Balls of steel? - Mmm-hmm.
I mean, who came up with that?
My balls are like tiny little grapes, sensitive, weird.
It's like a metaphor or--
Are there men with actual balls of steel?
Not afraid.
All right. Have your key and everything?
Yep, got it all. All ready to go. Here we go.
Okay. Here we go.
- Ooh! - Oh, man! What was that?
- That's probably a flat tire. - What?
Yeah. I'll probably just have to carpool with Anastasia today.
I was... Wait, well, wait. I'll just... Honey, I'll just change the tire!
Are you sure it's safe to ride with a peg-legged driver, Li--
Yeah. No, it's gonna be fine.
Whoa!
Huh, almost lost my legs.
I didn't see you there, Maria.
I got a flat tire.
I've got five bucks for some gas money. Carpool?
- Yeah, okay. - Cool.
I love you.
I should let you know that in a few months,
I'll be leaving for England.
I'm gonna study astronomy at Cambridge.
So you should probably know our time is short.
- Stephen Hawking. - Okay, thanks.
Yeah. I'm a horoscope junkie, too.
I read it and then I will it true.
Don't tell me, you are a...
I wanna say Libra, but something in your eyes tells me...
- Virgo. - Pisces.
Mmm. That's too bad, I'm a Leo.
- Not compatible. - Nuts.
Those 14 minutes in Anastasia's truck
to and fro school was my life.
Everything else faded away.
Hey, you know, every song, every good song,
all you pretty much need are the words
"woman," "love," "heartbreak," "beautiful."
You know what? You're totally right.
And the word "sex" a few times.
Some guys had dinner dates, movie dates.
I had the carpool date.
That's cool. My treat.
Thanks.
Did I just see a picture of a girl in there?
Oh, no, that's nobody.
Liam? ls that your girlfriend?
Yeah. Yeah, it is. It is. It's my girlfriend.
Oh! Score, Liam.
- Yeah. -ls she hot?
- Oh, man! - Let me see.
- No, she's just-- - Let me see.
Let me see. Let me see.
- Isn't that your mom? - Yes, it is.
So, Mr. Astronomy, tell me my future.
You're a Leo. I see a lot of sunshine in your future.
And?
I mean, you want me to tell you that everything's gonna be fine
and that anything's possible.
But that's not really true, is it?
I mean, women have less opportunities than men. They get paid less.
White men have way more opportunities.
Mom! Mom, grab my hand!
Mom? What are you doing outside the window?
Mom, you're slippi_ng! I can feel you slipplng!
Mom! Oh!
Like, I mean, you've lost something that everybody else has, your leg.
- Yeah, I know. - So you know no fear.
You know anything is possible
and I think for you, anything is possible.
I think you're gonna be an astronaut.
An astronaut?
Wow! That's a lot more than my daily horoscope said,
all it said was I was gonna get lucky.
Do you wanna touch it?
- Oh, my God, yes. - Okay, then touch it.
The cancer started out here and it was extremely rare,
like three-people rare.
And then all of a sudden, it was here.
I hate cancer.
And they finally decided to cut it off here.
- Thatsucks. - And it's all gone, for now.
And I think that sometimes--
Yeah, I think sometimes things happen for a reason
and sometimes I think things happen that just suck.
And the voice in my head is like,
"Well, what are you gonna do now?"
I don't know why my inner voice is so manly.
But I can still do everything, you know?
You know, run, swim,
sex.
Earthquake, Maria!
BDC needs a ride today.
- Hey, hottie. - Hi, cutie.
How much?
I'll do anything for a ten, more for a 20 though.
- Uh? - Let's go.
- Hop in, Maria. - Okay.
Freezing my tits off.
BDC, stop calling him!
Paging Maria Sanchez to the office, please.
- May I help you? - Yeah, I'm Maria Sanchez.
No. I'm Maria Sanchez.
And just like that, Maria was back from the dead.
- Hablas espafiol? - I mean, I can count to ten.
- Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco-- - Yeah, I get it.
I can read Braille.
But you can see.
Yeah, I can see.
Huh.
Sorry about the confusion.
I guess it must have been a bad rumor, you know?
It turns out she was never even sick.
She was on an exchange with another student from Brazil.
I mean, it was all filed, but this place is just... Ugh!
It's probably on the old comp. lfiljustn.
Mmm, nope.
Yeah, so what does that mean for me?
Not good for you, but for me, good.
You know, now that you're no longer an official student here,
I can go on the record that I am actively pursuing your mother.
And I think my chances are pretty, pretty good.
Yeah.
Okay, that's...
The five-second rule is a myth.
Five, ten, 100, it doesn't matter, it's all the same germs.
Some pretty well-executed data entry.
Yeah, I know. We got an A.
Yeah, you got A's in all my classes exceptdance.
Really? Someone said I was lit.
I'm pretty good at square dancing. So I'm a bit cheesed.
Sorry I'm still alive.
Me, too. But I understand.
Thanks.
"Anastasia's car, dirty."
Honey, I know you're upset, but I did tell you that public school
is just an institution for low expectations.
So I want you to forget about school, forget about the girl.
It's time to party. So get dressed.
We're gonna call tonight your rebound night.
Here.
Everyone's wearing them.
- Cool. - What did you just say?
Cool.
I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore.
This is so stupid. I don't know where to find a party.
Well, come on, let's go closer to the college. There'll be some there.
I'll keep looking.
I'm sorry. I'm nervous.
Kind of excited to let loose a little.
Whoo!
Ah, that was fun.
Come on, Autumn. Try it.
Whoo!
Here, sweetie. Pussy drink. Take three.
Three for you is a rager,
'cause you're a lightweight. Be safe. All right?
Mmm.
Oh, it hurts. Mmm. And it tastes like peaches, sparkly.
So the rule is we will stay one room away from you guys at all times
and if anyone asks who invited you, just say Mike,
because everyone has a friend named Mike.
- I don't. - Aw.
You do tonight, tiger. All right. Let's split up.
Go party.
Hey, um, will you keep an eye on Liam for me, please?
- Of course. And same with Autumn? - Yeah, yeah.
- Okay. - Definitely.
Hey, why are you drinking so much?
Uh, I just... I get really nervous at these social events
and I don't wanna end up in a corner by myself like usual.
Those days are gonzo.
Totally. Okay. Come on.
We have peppers, we have cheese! It's nacho time!
How did I not think I would--
Mackenzie?
I am in desperate need of a beverage
and since you, Mr. Liam,
are on dry land, you need to get me one.
Oh, here. Do you want some of this? It's like warm soup.
Yes. Thank you, Claire!
Are you scared of the water, land lover?
Oh, I didn't bring my trunks or anything.
Oh. Well, neither did we.
- You're taking a long time to get in the water. -l'm coming as fast as I can.
Whoa!
- Whoo! - Ooh!
Now it's a party!
Um, did you see Autumn inside?
Yeah, uh, she was cleaning the sliding doors.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
- Liam! - Mom!
Honey! Where's your shirt?
- Oh... - You're gonna catch a cold.
I'm gonna make you some hot tea, okay?
No, Mom. I'm okay, really.
How can you be having fun if you're cold and soaking wet?
Mom, I was thinking about maybe staying for the party.
Okay, we can stay for a bit.
No, I was thinking that maybe you should go.
I get it.
You wanna make out with a girl, honey, you go for it.
So many pretty ones here. Okay, honey, bye!
- Bye. I love you. - I love you.
Autumn, what happened to your face?
There is red food coloring in lip balm. I ate it all.
Hold on, okay?
911, what's your emergency?
Hi, I have a noise complaint.
Hey, Maria. Thanks for the invite.
What happened?
- You got punched in the face. - Oh...
I'm such a bad person.
I'm a terrible mom. Autumn is so crazy. She has no friends.
Look, I finished my knitting cap.
Oh.
Oh, what am I doing? Come on. Let's go.
Oh. That's my mom.
- Oh, god.
Mom'?
Liam! Liam Heap!
Liam!
You get in the frigging car right now! In the car!
Okay. Sorry. Sorry, Mom.
Get in the car!
You get in the car!
Autumn, get in the back seat!
You get in the back seat!
In the front seat, Mackenzie!
Autumn, get in the backseat!
Get in the car!
Slut.
I'm so sorry that I decided that I wanted to take you to your first college party
and teach you how to get drunk for the first time.
Everything's a frigging lesson with you!
"Oh, Liam, this is how you write a test, Liam."
I don't. You make me sound like a moron!
"Yeah, Liam, this is how you party.
"Liam, this is how you drink, this is how you have fun!"
You made out with Mackenzie!
So what?
She was really nice. What? Would you rather I made out with you?
- Ugh. - Hmm? Mom, what?
- Whoa! - Come on. Show me the ropes, Mom.
You know what? I'm sorry I just tried to make the best for you.
You're not! You want me to be better, but I can't.
I'm a loser. I don't even wanna go to Cambridge.
Oh, you poor, privileged white male!
No, I wanna go become a massage therapist!
Don't you dare!
Liam? Liam!
What the hell? Oh, my god! What are you doing?
- Another lesson, obviously! - This is my door!
You're out of control!
- Get that stupid shirt-- - Get out! Get out of here!
Sometimes moms... Ow! You little shit! Liam! Ow!
You are very, very... Get over here.
Ah!
Did you just spank me?
Yes.
You had it coming.
You know who won the Pulitzer Prize this year?
- Why? - You don't. Do you?
Who won the hurdles in the Olympics?
- Men's or females'? - You don't know?
Best in the whole world
and they haven't affected you once.
No Olympic hurdler's ever affected anyone.
You know, Grandma's not good at anything.
She's not good at a thing.
And you told me that she's affected you
the most out of any person in your whole life.
I'm the only one who knows that.
I guess I wanna be somebody like that.
Huh?
Oh. Hi.
Hey. I'm locked out.
Uh, okay. I'll come wait with you.
- Hey. - Hey.
I'm not locked out. I just wanted to see your face.
Oh.
Ouch. Sorry about that.
Yeah. Uh, it's okay. My mom did some of it.
It's kinda been one of those nights.
Freezing my tits off.
My nipples are about to rip through my shirt.
Paughs]
Um, do you wanna...
- Wanna go inside? - Yeah, sure.
What happened in here?
Oh. Uh... Shh. We had this big party.
Oh, um...
Speaking of parties, Aisley's throwing this big, uh, beach party
like a funeral party for Maria's resurrection.
It's kind of your party, too.
Yeah. Yeah. I like... I like parties.
Okay.
Hey, Anastasia.
I'm really sorry that I put my name in your boyfriend's phone number entry.
Good.
You must have some pretty big balls to pull off a stunt like that.
No, I don't have balls.
I do have balls.
I don't have metaphorical balls, but I do have testicles.
Right.
Human sex series?
Uh, that's a sex book my mom gave me.
She's teaching me to be a badass.
These people look like they're depressed.
I'm pretty sure whoever wrote this book
never had actual enjoyable sex before.
Yeah.
What would that even look like?
Uh, something like this.
Ah!
Why? What would... What would your sex face look like?
Oh, wow.
I think maybe the book's right.
Is there anything your mom doesn't teach you?
No. No.
No, she's really thorough.
She's pretty much my best friend.
Did your mom teach you how to do that?
No.
No. I usually practice on my hand.
That was way better. That was way better.
Oh, wow.
Wow. That was pretty great.
I think I'm gonna pass out. Oh.
Does this mean we're together now?
No, Liam, we're just friends.
Oh.
Wow, my first girlfriend and breakup in 30 seconds.
Friends who kissed.
- Hmm. - Twice.
Oh.
Some days, yeah, you're the guy who picks A.
Here we are again. My last day at public school.
You can begin...
now.
- Here we are. - Here we are again.
Now the bell's gonna ring soon.
Good to know. Um, listen, I...
I'm sorry I didn't get back to you.
I just, you know, I... You are Liam's principal
-and it felt-- - Yeah. No, I... No, I know, I know.
- No, just hold on one second. Just... - It felt...
- It felt inappropriate, could be the word... - Just wait for it.
-...because I... I... - And...
- You know your bells. flaughs] - Oh, yeah, well...
That bell means it's officially summer,
which means I'm no longer you son's principal.
- Oh! - Hmm.
Still 53 minutes left. Wanna check anything over?
Nope.
Cocksucker.
Wow, did you plan that out?
Actually, I did. Yeah.
Uh, I saw you come in and I got the secretary to ring the bell.
It's 1:15. These kids are confused. In get!
The class is still going. Guys! Guys!
Class is still in. That was a mistake.
Martin. Martin? Martin? Put your... Martin!
Putyourphone back in your pocket and get back into class.
Go ahead. Open it.
You already opened it.
You double-aced it.
- I know. - Oh!
I can't wait to visit my little baby in Cambridge. Sorry, little man.
Why are you all dressed up? Are you going out with that principal man again?
No. Slash yes.
What do you think when I say the word "Trojan"?
None of your business.
But do you really wanna know?
No. No.
- Yahoo! - lt's beautiful!
- Honey. - Mmm.
Try putting a hot dog stand right next to a gym
or an ice cream shop next to a health food store.
You see the key is to combine torture with pleasure.
You know, I always wanted a sister,
but the only thing I got was Maria here and I mean, he's terrible.
You guys wanna make out?
-L'm game. -l'm game.
Game.
A little more of that.
Some days, you don't end up with the one-legged girl.
You know why they first started calling evening "evening"?
No. No, I don't.
Because it's the day evening out with the night.
Hmm.
Not quite day, not quite night.
Right. So the in-between time?
- Yeah, interesting, right? - Yeah, very interesting.
Yeah, I never thought of it that way.
Hey, you know, I really liked the choices that you made for your classes,
especially cultural club. You know, I got kicked out of that one.
Uh, yeah. I saw.
- L'm white. - I noticed, yeah.
I really liked being Maria Sanchez.
Yeah, I like being Maria, too.
I wonder what it's like being you.
Hi, I'm Liam Heap.
Hi, Liam Heap. Maria Sanchez.
Well, it's nice to meet you.
Some days, you aren't Maria.
- You got everything? - Yes. Yes.
Stop asking.
All right!
I got you one last thing.
What?
- To make some friends. - No.
That's awesome.
All right, put your seatbelt on. Let's get out of here.
Some days, you end up with your mom.
I miss you already.
I miss you, too.
Hello, everyone. Welcome to space.
Whoo!
Gary McKeniz.
Hmm. Emma Mitchell.
- Lucy Quine. - Here.
Maria Sanchez.
Maria Sanchez?
Here. Sorry.
Jennifer Stewart.
Baker, Tom.
Hi,
And some days, you just...