Previously on The Last Man on Earth...
I hold here what are probably Lewis's remains.
(drone buzzing)
(screams)
It's a girl.
CAROL: What are you gonna call her?
Dawn.
Because it's the dawn of a new day.
Oh, farts.
She's beautiful.
I know everyone says that, but she is.
(crying): She's an angel!
(gags)
I think I might need to excuse myself.
(baby cooing) Feeling a little queasy.
Not because of your blood and goop, Erica.
(strained): That was beautiful.
But in a way, it does make me feel the need
to puke and lie down.
Bye, Carol.
Okay, I'm supposed to check her hearing and reflexes,
when you have a chance.
No, not letting go yet.
I don't like babies.
But she's a good one.
I'm gonna spoil her.
I don't care who knows it.
Guys, guys, I need all your attention up here, please.
Uh, Erica had her baby, you friggin' idiot.
Oh, great!
Oh, my God, oh, gorgeous baby, Erica.
Tandy, that's the placenta. Oh, good.
'Cause it doesn't look anything like you, yeah. Ew.
Okay, look, uh,
come with me, please.
Uh, we're a little busy. This is super important.
What's more important than a baby being born?
That.
Oh, my God.
Tandy, are you absolutely sure that's a nuclear meltdown?
Oh, maybe it's just a huge regular fire
coming directly out of the inside
of a frigging nuclear reactor.
Burn.
Yeah, I-I'm pretty sure.
TODD: Yeah,
Lewis talked about this, he said...
bridges would start collapsing,
satellites would start falling from the sky,
and, you know, this.
Ah, Lewis, a good man, and so very, very wise.
Except when it came to flying a plane, am I right?
MELISSA: But is it even safe
for us to be on the roof? I mean, are we getting
radiation poisoning just being out here?
Oh, good point, Melissa, yeah.
Maybe we should all do one of these.
Hey, guys, remember Jasper's here, all right?
Oh, yeah. Jasper, do this if you want to live.
TODD: Tandy... GAIL: Okay, what in God's name are we gonna do?
Let's get the hell out of here. Where are we gonna go?
I don't know, just grab what we can
and drive away from that.
Good call. Gail, you tell Erica, I'll tell Carol.
Okay, collars up, every second counts.
Move, move, move!
(CPAP machine whirring)
(whispering): Carol.
(screams) My goldang gol! Care Bear,
it's just me, it's just me.
Oh, you got to tread lightly, Tandy.
You know I'm a paranoid napper.
I'm sorry, sorry.
Look, I-I got a little, uh...
How should I put this? Uh...
thing of interest, uh, to tell you.
Can I tell you something interesting first?
Uh, uh, uh, yeah, sure, yes.
Did you know that I used to be deathly afraid
of sliding out of long booths in Mexican restaurants?
I did not know that about you, Carol, no.
Until one day, a very talented therapist
took me to Casa Gallardo
and made me watch her slide in and out of a long booth
with elegance and class.
And that's what happened when I saw that birth.
That baby slid out of Erica with elegance and class
just like Dr. Weem did in that Mexican booth.
Oh, oh. (sighs)
I just needed to see it go well once.
And I'm not afraid anymore.
We have created the perfect home.
And I can't imagine raising our baby anywhere else.
Yeah, okay, well, uh,
as always, I commend you on that whimsical, seemingly pointless
yet suddenly relevant wind-up to what could've been
a really boring bit of regular old information.
Well, I learned it from the best.
(blows)
(gulps)
(blows)
Okay.
Wait, what were you gonna tell me?
Uh, uh, uh...
just a joke, you know?
Uh, why did the banker quit his job?
(squeals) Why?
'Cause he lost interest.
(laughs hysterically)
I'm peeing.
I peed a little.
Well, uh, why don't you clean yourself up
and go back to sleep, huh?
Oh, no, it wasn't a toilet amount.
Okay.
(vacuum running)
(vacuum stops)
Good-bye, dear friend.
I know I gave you a lot to deal with,
but you took it like a real toilet.
(soft chuckle)
(toilet flushes)
(sniffling)
We had a lot of good times in here.
But like the dinosaur,
all good things must come to an end.
MELISSA (whispering): Okay, let's go before
we all start to glow in the dark.
TODD (whispering): Come on, bud.
Wait, where's Carol?
She's sleeping.
GAIL: Well, go wake her ass up.
Don't worry, it's all taken care of.
(rattling)
Tandy. Tandy?
What? The whole house is bouncing and jiggling.
I think we're having an earthquake.
(giggling): What?
I don't feel anything but aggressive stability.
Issue resolved.
Now let's go back to bed for a long time.
Oh. Oh! Oh.
Okay. All right.
No, no, no, Carol! No, no, no, no! Okay, get in the door jamb!
Carol, no, don't, don't, don't! No, no, no, no!
Tandy!
(screams)
What in Bruce Almighty is happening?
Road trip!
What? I'm about to have a baby!
Exactly, so this is, like, our last chance
to do something spur of the moment
before we become boring, old parents.
Tandy, turn this flipping house around and take me the flip home
before I completely lose my flipping crumbs!
I'll have to talk to Todd; he's driving.
Actually got the whole crew up there.
Got your medical equipment,
all your scrapbooks,
and basically all the stuff that people could quickly grab.
Erica even brought her new baby, which is fun.
Okay, Tandy, I'm gonna ask you this one more time:
onto which what is going?
(laughing): Nothing.
Tandrew!
Carol, we can't go back.
Why the gol not?
Look.
There's no easy way to say this.
So I'm gonna go ahead and sing it.
(chuckles softly)
* Have you ever had a nuclear meltdown *
* Sitting right on your face? *
* So you load your sleeping wife into a trailer bed *
* Haul her pregnant ass from that place *
* Nuclear meltdown, nuclear, nuclear meltdown *
* Is gonna melt away the frigging skin from our bods *
* Nuclear meltdown, nuclear, nuclear meltdown *
* Skin melting off of your body *
* Melted skin. *
Okay. Here comes the boob.
Here comes the boobie.
Oh, come on, work with me here.
How's it going back there, Erica?
ERICA: Super awesome.
You know what they say,
always wait till your baby's 12 hours old
before racing away from a nuclear dust cloud.
What's a nuclear dust cloud?
Um.
It's a, it's a ska band
I used to listen to back in the '90s.
It's a poisonous cloud that gives you cancer
and slowly kills you.
Melissa.
Why didn't we bring the cow?
We didn't bring the cow.
GAIL: Oh, my God.
We forgot the freaking cow?
Come on.
We didn't bring the freaking cow!
Damn it. ERICA: Oh, geez.
I would've brought the cow.
Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, we've been driving around for, like, three hours.
Shouldn't we try and figure out what the hell it is we're doing?
TANDY: Hey, guys.
I found an Army surplus store and I hooked us up
with one of these little bad boys. Now, Jasper,
this is what's called a Geiger counter,
or a Gizzy kizzy.
Okay? Now, if we're safe, it doesn't make any noise.
But if we get into a dangerous
radioactive area, it will start making a sound
like this...
(farts)
Thought that would register.
So you guys, uh, find any info?
MELISSA: I-I found this book
about what would happen if all civilization vanished.
And it says,
sooner or later, all these nuclear reactors are gonna blow.
Ooh, what does it say we should do?
In the book we're all dead.
My book here says that we're good
outside of a hundred-mile radius of a meltdown.
Well, just to be safe, let's make it 102.
Yeah.
Well, okay, so when can we go back to our building?
20,000 years.
Any wiggle room?
No wiggles, Carol.
Okay, I'm trying to be cool here,
but I just need to know where I'm gonna have my baby.
TODD: Why don't we just...
move somewhere where there are no nuclear plants?
I second that. Seconded, yeah.
That may be a bit of a problem.
Oh, my God.
Oh.
Oh, gol, gol, gol.
Mexico looks pretty clear.
Yeah, there's only one down there,
but this book was written in 1998,
so who knows how many there are now?
What other choice do we have?
TODD: But those things are everywhere.
How the hell are we gonna get down there?
All we have to do is get past this little ring of nukes,
and if they haven't popped their tops,
I believe we're good to go.
And if there's any problem, we'll know.
Then I guess we're going to Mexico.
Well, as long as we're going to Mexico,
Melissa and I have a pitch.
(à la Andy Dufresne): There's a little place on the Pacific Ocean.
You know what the Mexicans say about the Pacific?
(à la Red): They say it has no memory.
That's where I want to live the rest of my life.
A warm place with no memory.
Zihuatanejo. Zihuatanejo.
Shawshank... Redemption.
What?
Yeah, whatever. Let's freaking jam this taco stand.
Yeah.
Come on. Here it is.
(baby crying) (laughing): Oh!
I'm so sorry, Erica.
God, I didn't know it was chow time there, huh?
(chuckles) I will give you and your breasts a little privacy.
Full respect in full effect.
You know what, Tandy, it's no big deal.
This is gonna be happening a lot around here,
you might as well get used to it.
Good point, yeah, might as well, uh,
rip off the Band-Aid and get on in there.
So, not latching on, huh?
Am I using the correct terminology?
Latching on?
You know what, a bit of privacy might be good.
Oh, yeah-- uh, respect.
Yeah, respect.
All right.
GAIL: Hey, Carol, relax.
When we get down there,
we are gonna get that delivery room up and running.
And you got nothing to worry about.
That is a Gail Klosterman guarantee.
You hear me?
Thanks, Mom.
Okay. TODD: Hey, guys!
Tijuana: 72 miles!
(whooping) (horn honks)
(yelping)
(à la Red): I have to remind myself,
some birds aren't meant to be caged.
So get busy livin'...
or get busy dyin'. Or get busy dying.
(horn honks)
It truly was a Shawshank redemption.
(quietly): Tom Hanks.
(Geiger counter ticking)
(ticking intensifies)
Oh, farts.
Well, we can't go north, we can't go south,
east is like Nukeville U.S.A.
Guess we only have one option.
Oh, don't say it.
Los Angeles.
CAROL: Okay, so we're just gonna
drive back to a place that we specifically left
because a crazy man was trying to kill us?
Don't worry about Pat.
Who's Pat?
TODD: Uh, he's a purveyor
of ice cream, uh, brief incarcerant...
jean art enthusiast.
No, he's the guy that tried to murder us.
Okay? And then Todd ran over him
with his car and then squished out all his guts,
and then somehow the guy got his guts squished all back in.
(groans) And now he's still out there,
probably pretty pissed.
Look, we are gonna haul ass out to that marina,
we're gonna hop on a boat,
and we're gonna get out on the ocean.
I mean, that's the only place
we can be sure there's no radioactive schnizz.
Gail's right. It's our only move.
Does anyone know how to drive a boat?
(laughs) I have some experience with, uh, boats...
Does anyone else know how to drive a boat?
We are gonna be fine.
We're gonna hug the shore,
and we're zip down the coast
to Zihuatanejo.
We have got this.
TANDY: Come on. Let's do this as quickly as possible.
Okay, it's clear, come on.
I got gas.
I-I mean-mean, you know what I mean. Come on, let's go.
TANDY: Okay.
Hey, Care Bear.
I know this has been a big day,
so I set up a little oasis for you in the house.
You know, I lit some aromatherapy candles,
put on some Gregorian chants, laid out a few butt plugs...
JK, but I did do the candles and the butt plugs.
JK, it was the candles and the chants,
and that's my final answer. (chuckles)
Well, I appreciate it, Tandy,
but I think I just need to walk around a little bit.
You okay?
Yeah. (chuckles)
Just a lot's coming down on this pregnant lady.
Oh, come here.
I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. Okay?
I promise.
That goes for you, too.
Thanks, Tandy.
(Gregorian chants playing)
(Dawn crying)
Why won't you eat?
Testify.
Can I help you, Tandy?
Just checking in.
Still not taking the nub, huh?
(sighs) No, not yet.
Hey, do you mind if I have a little word with her?
(sighs)
Hey, Dawn...
just do it. Huh?
Oh.
Now try.
Okay. TODD: All right, guys.
We're entering Los Angeles.
Quiet as a church mouse.
(whispering): Notoriously quiet mice.
So, are we gonna have some sort of plan if we do see Pat?
Carol, don't worry, okay?
Pat is most likely dead.
And in the one-in-a-billion chance
that he's alive and in L.A.,
there's, like, zero chance that he could ever find us.
(Gregorian chants playing)
It's a huge city,
and there's, like, thousands of streets.
So we're just gonna take
all the little, teeny, tiny streets
that nobody ever goes on,
and we're gonna hop on the boat, and we're good to go.
(Gregorian chants playing)
We're one little RV.
We're like a needle in a haystack.
I'll take it one step further.
The needle is hay-colored.
And the haystack is made of needles.
I'm telling you,
there is no way that Pat could ever find us. (chuckles)
(ice cream truck music plays)
GAIL: We're clear. Let's pick a boat and start loading.
ERICA: What's that smell?
Ugh! Pickles on a picnic!
Uh, Carol. I-I-It's nobody's fault.
But our home. The baby's room.
Aw, it's okay, hon.
We're gonna help you make another one.
Yeah, Carol, a-all those things?
It's just stuff.
You know, the only thing that really matters is right here.
The six of us.
There are eight of us.
Well, uh, you know,
a gentleman never counts himself or his wife.
Maybe we should go pick a boat. Yes. Yeah.
TANDY: Yes, we should.
Well, here's two solid candidates,
Ship Happens
and The Sea Word.
MELISSA: Hey, you guys can take whatever boat you want,
but I'm taking this one.
Come on. No Boats about It?
It's like they didn't even try.
Get out of town.
Yeah. Finally got her.
Hmm. Hungry little sucker.
Making up for lost time, huh?
Oh, the miracle of nipples.
Nature's horchata.
Yeah, my mom told me it took me a long time to latch,
but once I did, I never let go. Ask Carol.
Tandy. No, seriously, ask her.
Okay, we good?
Yeah, let's shove off.
Okay, first, I'd like to make a little toast.
Uh, you know, I'd really rather get going, bud.
Yeah, Tandy, we don't have time.
(scoffs) Americans. Hurry up and wait.
You feel me, Erica?
I don't.
(laughs) Here you go, Gail.
What?
TANDY: Todd, Melissa.
Anyway, the word toast comes to mind
because America is now toast to us.
The cruel winds of change and radioactivity
have pushed us to sea, and unlike Dawn,
who took a while to start sucking,
this group has sucked from the very start...
...from the teat of friendship.
Now, I'll keep this brief
'cause I know that time is of the essence.
But, uh, I'd like to spend five minutes per person
on what each of you mean to me.
Here, Todd, here's a timer. Please don't let me go under.
GAIL: Tandy!
Let's go.
Gail. (groans)
The moment I first heard your Southern lilt,
I thought I had died and gone to the plantizzy.
Equal parts class and sass, the word "pert" jumps to mind.
(in Australian accent): Dawn. Australian for "baby."
(chuckles) Like the first light of the new day.
Or a dishwashing detergent
that cuts through grease like a knife.
But that's not a knife, this is a baby.
* Waltzing Matilda *
* Waltzing Matilda. * Everybody.
Tandy, can we wrap this up?
Of course, Melissa. I'm done.
But at the same time, I'm just getting started,
because we're safe now.
And when it comes to the happiness
and well-being of this group,
I can 100%, absolutely, positively,
with absolutely no reservations, assure you, positively...
(all gasping)
...this is only the beginning.
PAT: Of the end.
Remember me?
(screaming)
(gunshot)
(screaming)
Hi. I'm Pamela.
CHILDREN: Uncle Stinky.
(dolphin chittering)
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH