1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,003 Previously on The Last Man on Earth... 2 00:00:03,037 --> 00:00:04,538 Uh... I do. Okay. I do, too. 3 00:00:04,572 --> 00:00:06,006 TANDY: Mr. and Mrs. Chartres-Rodriguez! 4 00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:07,508 GAIL: You have to tell him 5 00:00:07,541 --> 00:00:09,743 I'm delivering the baby. 6 00:00:09,777 --> 00:00:11,812 The only thing that man is qualified to deliver 7 00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:13,581 is rancid farts. 8 00:00:13,614 --> 00:00:14,582 I'm ready. 9 00:00:14,615 --> 00:00:15,849 You think so? 10 00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:17,085 I know so. 11 00:00:17,118 --> 00:00:18,386 Okay. Oh, God. 12 00:00:18,419 --> 00:00:20,554 There you have it, a healthy baby. 13 00:00:20,588 --> 00:00:22,723 She wants me to deliver the baby. 14 00:00:24,092 --> 00:00:26,494 I wouldn't want anybody else to deliver our baby. 15 00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,329 Gonna need a flight attendant. 16 00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:29,697 That would be me? 17 00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:32,566 Guys, my water broke. 18 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:34,968 Oh, farts. 19 00:00:36,070 --> 00:00:39,173 (exhaling sharply) 20 00:00:39,207 --> 00:00:40,441 Okay, guys, it's go time. 21 00:00:40,474 --> 00:00:41,709 Can we bring it in for a sec? 22 00:00:44,245 --> 00:00:46,247 Great, I'll bring it to you. 23 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:47,715 Now, we're about to witness 24 00:00:47,748 --> 00:00:49,950 the first new life of our new world. 25 00:00:49,983 --> 00:00:51,185 Isn't that exciting? Huh? 26 00:00:51,219 --> 00:00:52,253 (Carol and Tandy chuckle) 27 00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:54,021 Now, just to avoid any confusion, 28 00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:57,191 I'd like to sketch out the chain of command. 29 00:00:57,225 --> 00:00:58,459 So, uh, Gail is the pilot in here, 30 00:00:58,492 --> 00:01:00,594 Todd is obviously her copilot... Hey. 31 00:01:00,628 --> 00:01:02,096 ...and I'm just the flight attendant, you know? 32 00:01:02,130 --> 00:01:03,297 The X factor, if you will. 33 00:01:03,331 --> 00:01:05,199 It doesn't mean I'm not important. 34 00:01:05,233 --> 00:01:07,868 Heck, I might be the, uh, most important person in here, huh? 35 00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:09,303 You know, like in The Breakfast Club 36 00:01:09,337 --> 00:01:12,039 how that janitor is the eyes and ears of the school. 37 00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:14,475 Well, you know, I'm like the, uh, you know, 38 00:01:14,508 --> 00:01:16,544 the penis and testicles and pubic hair 39 00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:18,446 of this, uh, makeshift delivery room. 40 00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:19,880 But, uh, uh, 41 00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:23,117 Gail is the brains, you know, and she runs this show, huh? 42 00:01:23,151 --> 00:01:24,652 She has the conch. 43 00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:26,587 Gail, now, you, please, uh, take this baby out of Erica. 44 00:01:26,620 --> 00:01:27,821 Erica, get up on the table now. 45 00:01:27,855 --> 00:01:28,989 Please. GAIL: Tandy. 46 00:01:29,022 --> 00:01:30,591 She's in early labor. 47 00:01:30,624 --> 00:01:31,992 She's got to keep 48 00:01:32,025 --> 00:01:33,727 walking around to get things moving. 49 00:01:33,761 --> 00:01:34,928 TODD: Yeah, we've got 50 00:01:34,962 --> 00:01:36,497 a few hours yet, so... 51 00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:38,065 Well, is there anything I can do? 52 00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,968 Yes, actually, could you run and go get me some tape? Yeah. 53 00:01:41,001 --> 00:01:43,003 Oh, I got some right here. 54 00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:46,774 Sorry, it's only Scotch, masking, and duct. 55 00:01:46,807 --> 00:01:47,908 What's it for? 56 00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:50,010 These are the pages that I'm gonna need 57 00:01:50,043 --> 00:01:51,412 if anything goes wonky. 58 00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:53,747 I'm gonna tape them up there just in case. 59 00:01:53,781 --> 00:01:55,949 Ugh, the day I don't pack double-sided! 60 00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:57,418 What were you thinking, Carol? 61 00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:59,019 Ooh, yeah, we'll just go with Scotch. 62 00:01:59,052 --> 00:02:00,354 Here, let me, uh, 63 00:02:00,388 --> 00:02:02,523 get those for you, huh? Thanks, Tandy. 64 00:02:02,556 --> 00:02:06,194 Hey, Gail, don't even waste your friggin' breath on thanks. 65 00:02:06,227 --> 00:02:07,595 You got a job to do. 66 00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:09,363 I'm only here to blend into the background 67 00:02:09,397 --> 00:02:11,799 and make sure everything goes exactly right. 68 00:02:11,832 --> 00:02:13,434 Hey, I don't want thanks 69 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:15,736 any more than the common angel from heaven. 70 00:02:17,305 --> 00:02:18,806 So what are all these things? 71 00:02:18,839 --> 00:02:20,508 Uh, all the little curveballs, you know. 72 00:02:20,541 --> 00:02:24,345 Cord stuff, uh, hemorrhaging, God forbid C-section, 73 00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:25,679 that kind of stuff. 74 00:02:25,713 --> 00:02:28,115 Whoa, looks like there's a lot of pages. 75 00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,483 Oh, don't worry. 76 00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:31,219 Most likely we won't even need those. 77 00:02:31,252 --> 00:02:34,388 Since we have a few hours till showtime, uh, you know, 78 00:02:34,422 --> 00:02:36,524 anybody want any snacks or drinks? I'm taking orders. 79 00:02:36,557 --> 00:02:38,025 Todd, what can I get for you? 80 00:02:38,058 --> 00:02:39,227 M-M... just water. 81 00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:40,728 One agua for the big guy. 82 00:02:40,761 --> 00:02:43,964 I can do sparkling, still, tap and toilet. JK, there's no tap. 83 00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:45,533 You know, whatever's fine. Thank you, but... 84 00:02:45,566 --> 00:02:47,401 Toilet it is. ERICA: Oh. 85 00:02:47,435 --> 00:02:49,002 Here comes another contraction. 86 00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:53,040 Oh, holy balls! (groans) 87 00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:55,376 Holy balls. 88 00:02:55,409 --> 00:02:57,211 Okay, you know what, 89 00:02:57,245 --> 00:02:58,346 I'm just gonna go do... 90 00:02:58,379 --> 00:02:59,513 I'm just gonna go. 91 00:02:59,547 --> 00:03:02,250 I just need to get out of here. 92 00:03:02,283 --> 00:03:04,918 (Erica groaning loudly) 93 00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:06,954 (laughing): Okay. 94 00:03:10,291 --> 00:03:11,359 Ugh. 95 00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:12,393 (panting) 96 00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:20,268 (exhales slowly) 97 00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:23,504 Remember when we first met in D.C. 98 00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:25,906 and we thought we were the only people on the planet? 99 00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,943 I never would have dreamed that one day 100 00:03:29,977 --> 00:03:32,179 I'd be delivering your baby. 101 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:33,781 Well, I always knew. 102 00:03:33,814 --> 00:03:35,949 (laughs) 103 00:03:35,983 --> 00:03:37,217 Oh, oh, no more laughing. 104 00:03:37,251 --> 00:03:38,519 It hurts too much. Oh. 105 00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:40,888 Here, hon, have some water. 106 00:03:40,921 --> 00:03:42,823 Yeah, you got to stay hydrated. 107 00:03:48,662 --> 00:03:51,565 (quietly): Okay, now, the stuff that I put up there on top 108 00:03:51,599 --> 00:03:53,867 is a little bit cooler than what was already in there, 109 00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:56,169 so I would give it a couple of minutes to settle. 110 00:04:02,109 --> 00:04:03,911 Should we put on some music or something? 111 00:04:03,944 --> 00:04:05,313 Oh, that would be nice. 112 00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:06,980 TODD: Yeah. 113 00:04:07,014 --> 00:04:08,949 * When the going gets rough * 114 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:13,387 * The tough get rough * 115 00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:17,224 * And when the going gets rough * 116 00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:18,626 * The tough get rough. * 117 00:04:18,659 --> 00:04:19,660 I was thinking more 118 00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:20,728 spa music. 119 00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:21,995 Yeah, I think Melissa's got some CDs. 120 00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:24,097 Yeah, that would be... TODD: Sure. 121 00:04:24,131 --> 00:04:25,733 * Let me sail, let me sail * 122 00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:27,668 * Let the Orinoco Flow * 123 00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:29,670 * Let me reach, let me beach * 124 00:04:29,703 --> 00:04:31,972 * On the shores of Tripoli * 125 00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:34,742 * Sail away, sail away, sail away * 126 00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:36,176 * Just take a boat * 127 00:04:36,209 --> 00:04:38,646 * And sail away to Orinoco. * GAIL: Okay. Tandy. 128 00:04:38,679 --> 00:04:40,914 We really could use a cold washcloth. 129 00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:43,116 Sure. Done and done. 130 00:04:43,150 --> 00:04:45,085 Yeah. What are we talking about coldwise? 131 00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:49,457 Like Alaskan glacier, summer breeze, uh, dank basement... 132 00:04:49,490 --> 00:04:50,958 Whichever one's farthest away. 133 00:04:50,991 --> 00:04:52,693 That would be mountain stream, yeah. Oh. 134 00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:53,761 I think you'll be very happy. 135 00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,095 Oh, you're gonna love this stuff. Yeah. 136 00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,296 Oh! (groans) 137 00:04:57,565 --> 00:04:59,333 Breathe into it, sweetie. 138 00:04:59,367 --> 00:05:01,201 Just breathe into-- focus on that 139 00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:03,804 little miracle that you and Philip created. 140 00:05:03,837 --> 00:05:06,474 Oh, Phil. 141 00:05:06,507 --> 00:05:08,642 I miss him. 142 00:05:08,676 --> 00:05:10,678 Yeah, we all do, but you know what? 143 00:05:10,711 --> 00:05:14,482 I know he's watching over you, and he's gonna help us today. 144 00:05:14,515 --> 00:05:17,518 He always did have a way of calming us down, didn't he? 145 00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:23,691 I know you can do this on your own. 146 00:05:23,724 --> 00:05:27,461 Well, I'm off to get you guys what you need. 147 00:05:27,495 --> 00:05:29,162 Wink, wink. (laughs) 148 00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:31,131 Why are you winking over a washcloth? 149 00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:34,001 You'll see. (laughs) 150 00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,869 (glass breaks) Oh! (laughs) 151 00:05:35,903 --> 00:05:38,071 Well, look at that. Todd's water broke, huh? 152 00:05:38,105 --> 00:05:39,840 Didn't know you were pregnant. Boom. 153 00:05:39,873 --> 00:05:41,141 (Tandy laughs) 154 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:43,243 Water broke? I hardly knew her broke. Boom. 155 00:05:43,276 --> 00:05:44,344 God, rich area. 156 00:05:44,378 --> 00:05:46,747 Nobody walk around here. 157 00:05:49,116 --> 00:05:51,251 (women laughing) 158 00:05:51,284 --> 00:05:53,286 Carol. 159 00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:57,691 Carol. 160 00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:02,963 (women laughing over stereo) 161 00:06:04,932 --> 00:06:06,734 What are you listening to? 162 00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,936 The CD to which I am listening 163 00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:11,539 is called Sounds of Laughter. 164 00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:13,441 And it's recordings of people laughing. 165 00:06:13,474 --> 00:06:14,842 This track is called 166 00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:17,110 "Girls Night Out." 167 00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:19,580 But my favorite is "Church Giggles." 168 00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:22,883 (people snickering) 169 00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:28,288 (recording stops) 170 00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:30,023 So, did it happen? 171 00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:31,058 Not yet. 172 00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:32,092 It's taking too long. 173 00:06:32,125 --> 00:06:33,093 Something's wrong. 174 00:06:33,126 --> 00:06:34,394 Everything's fine, Carol. 175 00:06:34,428 --> 00:06:35,929 Look, I was just trying to see 176 00:06:35,963 --> 00:06:37,465 if Jasper could hang out with you. 177 00:06:37,498 --> 00:06:39,266 I wanted to try to keep him away from the... 178 00:06:39,299 --> 00:06:40,568 (Erica shouting in distance) 179 00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:41,569 Oh. 180 00:06:41,602 --> 00:06:43,637 You can hear it up here, too. 181 00:06:43,671 --> 00:06:45,138 Did that sound normal to you? 182 00:06:45,172 --> 00:06:47,040 Yes. 183 00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:49,376 That sounded very normal, Carol. 184 00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,244 Is Erica gonna die? 185 00:06:51,278 --> 00:06:53,547 Yes, I think so, Jasper. 186 00:06:53,581 --> 00:06:55,483 Oh. Carol! CAROL: What? 187 00:06:55,516 --> 00:06:56,650 Did you not hear her? 188 00:06:56,684 --> 00:06:58,385 If that didn't sound like a death wail, 189 00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:00,220 (laughs): then I'm a paper clip. 190 00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:01,722 (quietly): Carol, can you try 191 00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:03,256 not to be so morbid around Jasper? 192 00:07:03,290 --> 00:07:06,494 How? Did you not see that list of things that could go wrong? 193 00:07:06,527 --> 00:07:08,896 One of them was a prolapsed anus. 194 00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,263 I did see that one. 195 00:07:10,297 --> 00:07:11,264 Um, Jasper, this isn't gonna 196 00:07:11,298 --> 00:07:12,900 work out, either. Let's go. 197 00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:15,736 Carol, I'll be back for you later. 198 00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:17,304 Try to stay calm. 199 00:07:17,337 --> 00:07:18,506 (scoffs) I'm calm. 200 00:07:18,539 --> 00:07:20,207 I'm cume as a calmcumber. (chuckling) 201 00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:25,278 (people laughing over stereo) 202 00:07:25,312 --> 00:07:26,814 (Carol laughs) 203 00:07:26,847 --> 00:07:28,582 What's a prolapsed anus? 204 00:07:28,616 --> 00:07:30,618 It's when you poop your butt. 205 00:07:34,555 --> 00:07:37,791 Oh, I hate this. (weak laugh) 206 00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:39,627 One washcloth, as requested, 207 00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:41,361 courtesy of one 208 00:07:41,394 --> 00:07:43,597 (deep voice): Mr. Phil Miller. 209 00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:46,033 Oh, what are you doing? 210 00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:48,168 A little birdie named Tandy 211 00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:49,637 told me that, uh, 212 00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:51,672 you know, my presence had been requested. 213 00:07:51,705 --> 00:07:53,440 Oh, God! 214 00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,008 (chuckles) He also told me 215 00:07:55,042 --> 00:07:56,977 that there might be a little tension in here, 216 00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:58,378 seeing as, uh, what had happened 217 00:07:58,411 --> 00:08:00,147 the last time we had seen each other-- 218 00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:03,050 my death on the operating table at your presence and such. 219 00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:05,352 Well, thank you for putting that in our heads. 220 00:08:05,385 --> 00:08:07,521 I don't blame you for anything, Gail. 221 00:08:07,555 --> 00:08:10,490 My tummy was all messed up. (groans): Oh... 222 00:08:10,524 --> 00:08:12,225 And there's nothing you could have done to save me. 223 00:08:13,761 --> 00:08:16,797 But look, things couldn't be better up here in heaven. 224 00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:19,132 I took out the guitar, and I started jamming 225 00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:21,569 with Jimi Hendrix and John Lennon, 226 00:08:21,602 --> 00:08:24,137 and Kurt Cobain of Nirvana, 227 00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:25,906 and Tony Levin, a wonderful 228 00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:27,908 session bassist who's worked with everyone 229 00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:30,811 from King Crimson to Mr. Sledgehammer himself, 230 00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:32,245 Pete Gabriel. 231 00:08:32,279 --> 00:08:34,214 Okay, are we winding this up soon? 232 00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:35,415 And, Todd... 233 00:08:35,448 --> 00:08:37,017 Yeah, bud? 234 00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:40,320 I couldn't be happier that you offered to take my place 235 00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:41,822 as the father of my child. 236 00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,090 You know, 237 00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:45,392 uh, Tandy was the logical choice, 238 00:08:45,425 --> 00:08:46,994 but, uh, you know, I was so jealous 239 00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,997 that he had gone back to my ex, Carol, 240 00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:51,431 that I offered it to you. 241 00:08:51,464 --> 00:08:54,534 And I'll do my best, uh, Phil. 242 00:08:54,568 --> 00:08:55,769 Do what you can. 243 00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:59,607 And, Erica... No. 244 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:02,209 ...my little bloomin' Funyun. No. 245 00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:04,311 I got a message for you from God. 246 00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:08,448 He says, "I can't wait to meet you..." 247 00:09:08,481 --> 00:09:09,449 Oh... 248 00:09:09,482 --> 00:09:11,284 "...in a hundred damn years!" 249 00:09:11,318 --> 00:09:12,853 That voice is insulting. 250 00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:14,521 (normal voice): What? My voice is dead-on! 251 00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,456 (deep voice): Tandy! Tandy, get out of here! 252 00:09:16,489 --> 00:09:18,792 Tandy, leave me alone. Gas goes bad. 253 00:09:18,826 --> 00:09:21,428 Gas goes bad. Tandy! 254 00:09:21,461 --> 00:09:22,562 (normal voice): See, there it is. 255 00:09:22,596 --> 00:09:24,965 No. (deep voice): Oh, my face! 256 00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:26,266 Hey, guys, Carol's freaking out. 257 00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:27,300 She needs some company. 258 00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:30,070 Tandy, can you take Jasper to the park? 259 00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:31,304 OTHERS: Yes. 260 00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:33,240 Uh, but what about the waters? 261 00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:35,108 Really liking the park idea. 262 00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:36,576 (deep voice): Say no more, big guy. 263 00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:38,445 Jasper, you ready, child? 264 00:09:38,478 --> 00:09:40,380 Don't talk like that. 265 00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:42,983 (normal voice): Oh. Uh, okay. 266 00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:45,018 (women laughing over stereo) 267 00:09:51,992 --> 00:09:52,960 (recording stops) 268 00:09:52,993 --> 00:09:55,428 "Carol Andrew Pilbasian Miller, 269 00:09:55,462 --> 00:09:57,998 "loving wife, devoted friend, died in childbirth 270 00:09:58,031 --> 00:10:00,167 after a torturous, protracted, bloody labor." 271 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,769 Yeah. 272 00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:03,637 You're not writing a damn obituary. 273 00:10:03,671 --> 00:10:06,674 Oh, no, newspapers do it in advance all the time. 274 00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:08,008 No, I mean you have to stop fixating 275 00:10:08,041 --> 00:10:09,576 on all the bad things that could happen. 276 00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:10,844 (Erica screams in distance) 277 00:10:10,878 --> 00:10:12,512 ERICA: Just give me a bloody epidural! 278 00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:15,683 How can I stop fixating when all I can hear 279 00:10:15,716 --> 00:10:19,019 is Erica playing didgeridoo on death's doorstep? 280 00:10:19,052 --> 00:10:21,021 Look, I know it's scary, 281 00:10:21,054 --> 00:10:22,790 but that's part of the package. 282 00:10:22,823 --> 00:10:25,959 You know, it's like turbulence on an airplane. 283 00:10:25,993 --> 00:10:28,696 Nobody likes it, but it's a fact of flying. 284 00:10:28,729 --> 00:10:30,030 Well, this turbulence has been lasting 285 00:10:30,063 --> 00:10:31,598 the whole ding-a-ling flight. 286 00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:34,467 And I'm trying to ride it out, but the seat belt sign 287 00:10:34,501 --> 00:10:35,703 is on, 288 00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:37,537 and I have to pee like a race course. 289 00:10:37,570 --> 00:10:39,439 And I'm trying to distract myself 290 00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:40,841 by flipping through my Hemisphere magazine 291 00:10:40,874 --> 00:10:42,509 and checking out all of Jason Biggs' 292 00:10:42,542 --> 00:10:44,444 favorite steak houses in El Paso, 293 00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:46,814 but it's not doing the trick, 'cause this plane's a-rockin', 294 00:10:46,847 --> 00:10:48,481 and I'm a-gonna die in childbirth. 295 00:10:48,515 --> 00:10:50,383 (women laughing over stereo) 296 00:10:51,584 --> 00:10:53,320 Carol, you and Erica 297 00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:55,055 are going through this together. 298 00:10:55,088 --> 00:10:58,558 So if you aren't gonna be a "devoted friend," 299 00:10:58,591 --> 00:11:00,560 I think you got your obituary wrong. 300 00:11:00,593 --> 00:11:02,595 So what do you say? 301 00:11:05,198 --> 00:11:06,834 (beeping steadily) 302 00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:08,568 (groans) Just try it. Just give me an epidural. 303 00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:10,170 Hey, you know I can't do that. 304 00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:12,706 It involves placing a needle next to your spine. 305 00:11:12,740 --> 00:11:15,075 Just try! This has to stop. 306 00:11:15,108 --> 00:11:16,676 It could paralyze you, hon, that's the thing. 307 00:11:16,710 --> 00:11:19,747 I don't care! I don't want to feel anything ever again! 308 00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:21,214 Oh, here comes another one. 309 00:11:21,248 --> 00:11:22,582 It's okay. You got this. (screaming) 310 00:11:22,615 --> 00:11:24,151 There you go, come on. You got this. Just breathe. 311 00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:26,586 Breathe, honey. You can't hold your breath. 312 00:11:26,619 --> 00:11:28,355 Come on, sweetie. TODD: Breathe. 313 00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:30,190 Breathe. There you go... Erica! (groans weakly) 314 00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:32,225 Erica! Erica. Erica, hon. Hey! 315 00:11:32,259 --> 00:11:33,326 Erica! Breathe! 316 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:34,561 Erica, can you hear me? 317 00:11:34,594 --> 00:11:36,696 Hon, can you hear me? GAIL: Oh, my God. 318 00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:43,070 Erica? Erica, hon. Erica? Can you hear me? 319 00:11:43,103 --> 00:11:44,604 Oh, my God, did she pass? 320 00:11:44,637 --> 00:11:46,006 Hon, can you hear me? 321 00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:47,607 Put her body in a peaceful position 322 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,176 before rigor mortis sets in. 323 00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:51,244 She just passed out. They know what they're doing. 324 00:11:51,278 --> 00:11:53,280 What do we do?! What do we do?! 325 00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:55,115 Todd, we talked about this. 326 00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:56,950 Don't you freak out on me right now. 327 00:11:56,984 --> 00:11:58,118 Gail, I'm trying not to freak out, 328 00:11:58,151 --> 00:11:59,286 but I am freaking out, okay? 329 00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:00,453 This is just like last time. 330 00:12:00,487 --> 00:12:02,622 It's lack of oxygen. It's just... 331 00:12:02,655 --> 00:12:04,724 She's hyperventilating. Smelling salts. 332 00:12:04,758 --> 00:12:06,894 Okay, you guys go see if the smelling salts are over there. 333 00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:09,763 Oh, the day I don't bring my salt purse! 334 00:12:11,331 --> 00:12:13,666 Okay, found 'em. 335 00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:17,570 (Erica cries out) 336 00:12:17,604 --> 00:12:19,539 Gracias al santo nino de atocha. 337 00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,141 What happened? 338 00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:22,442 You passed out just for a couple seconds, 339 00:12:22,475 --> 00:12:23,443 but we're out of the woods now. What? 340 00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:25,745 See? A little turbulence. 341 00:12:27,014 --> 00:12:28,615 (groaning) Huh? 342 00:12:28,648 --> 00:12:29,983 Okay. Okay. 343 00:12:30,017 --> 00:12:32,052 Um, Todd? Yeah? 344 00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:33,053 What is it? 345 00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:34,087 What is it? No, no. 346 00:12:34,121 --> 00:12:35,088 What is it?! 347 00:12:35,122 --> 00:12:36,924 You're doing great. 348 00:12:36,957 --> 00:12:38,325 You're doing so good. 349 00:12:38,358 --> 00:12:40,260 One second, okay? 350 00:12:40,293 --> 00:12:41,461 I'm so proud of you. I just... 351 00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:42,830 I've got to check one thing with you. 352 00:12:42,863 --> 00:12:44,164 Yeah, okay, she needs me. 353 00:12:44,197 --> 00:12:45,833 So you-you just stay and breathe. 354 00:12:45,866 --> 00:12:47,935 In through your nose, out through your mouth, okay? Okay. 355 00:12:47,968 --> 00:12:49,937 TODD: Huh? 356 00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:52,439 Oh, my God. What? 357 00:12:54,374 --> 00:12:56,609 Looks like we're back in the woods. 358 00:12:56,643 --> 00:12:58,678 What? 359 00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:05,018 Breech. 360 00:13:07,821 --> 00:13:08,822 Carol! 361 00:13:08,856 --> 00:13:11,624 "Things I can't handle" for 400, Alex. 362 00:13:11,658 --> 00:13:13,126 (quietly): Gail, Gail, are you sure it's a breech? 363 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:14,694 (quietly): Of course I'm friggin' sure. 364 00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:16,129 I felt an ass. 365 00:13:16,163 --> 00:13:17,364 Well, how do you know it was an ass? 366 00:13:17,397 --> 00:13:20,167 I know what a baby's ass feels like, Todd. 367 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:21,468 Well, you did an ultrasound yesterday, 368 00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:22,836 you said the baby was in position. 369 00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:24,337 That was yesterday. 370 00:13:24,371 --> 00:13:25,672 Well, why did it change? 371 00:13:25,705 --> 00:13:27,040 I don't friggin' know. 372 00:13:27,074 --> 00:13:29,142 You think somebody puts some blue scrubs on me, 373 00:13:29,176 --> 00:13:30,377 that makes me a doctor? 374 00:13:30,410 --> 00:13:32,279 Okay, what do we do now? 375 00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:33,981 ERICA: What's happening? Is something wrong? 376 00:13:34,014 --> 00:13:35,983 Oh, you're doing so good! Oh, you look amazing. 377 00:13:36,016 --> 00:13:37,550 I mean, you're absolutely glowing. Remember, 378 00:13:37,584 --> 00:13:39,519 don't sweat the small stuff, and it is all small stuff. 379 00:13:39,552 --> 00:13:42,522 What she said, absolutely. So proud of you. Good, good, good. 380 00:13:42,555 --> 00:13:44,824 (quietly): What's the book say? A million different things. 381 00:13:44,858 --> 00:13:46,326 Oh, Lord... Hey! 382 00:13:46,359 --> 00:13:48,328 Do you know what went wrong with Phil? 383 00:13:48,361 --> 00:13:49,897 Yeah, I couldn't stop the bleeding. 384 00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:51,698 Bleeding couldn't be stopped. 385 00:13:51,731 --> 00:13:54,234 But what went wrong was that we made you think that you two 386 00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:55,335 had to stop it alone. 387 00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:57,404 And I'm not gonna let that happen again. 388 00:13:57,437 --> 00:13:58,505 (sighs) 389 00:13:58,538 --> 00:14:00,773 Now show me what the book says. 390 00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:05,745 Okay, so all you have to do 391 00:14:05,778 --> 00:14:07,747 is coat the sleeping bag in vegetable oil, 392 00:14:07,780 --> 00:14:10,583 and then use it like a magic carpet down the slide. 393 00:14:10,617 --> 00:14:11,618 Like this? 394 00:14:13,620 --> 00:14:14,988 Let me help you out. 395 00:14:15,022 --> 00:14:16,423 See, in the oil-sliding game, 396 00:14:16,456 --> 00:14:19,092 you never skimp on the glug-glug. 397 00:14:19,126 --> 00:14:21,261 Now, isn't this more fun than hanging out at home 398 00:14:21,294 --> 00:14:22,896 with all that yelling and screaming? 399 00:14:22,930 --> 00:14:24,597 They just didn't want you around. 400 00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:26,934 Ha! Didn't want me around. 401 00:14:26,967 --> 00:14:29,402 What do you say we hit that slide? 402 00:14:29,436 --> 00:14:31,939 I'm just sad that Erica's gonna die. 403 00:14:31,972 --> 00:14:34,374 Wait, what? 404 00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:37,444 Wait, Jasper, she's not gonna die. 405 00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:39,546 Hey, childbirth is easy. 406 00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:41,881 That's why I let Gail and Todd take that. 407 00:14:41,915 --> 00:14:44,617 Heck, you have more of a chance of dying on this slide 408 00:14:44,651 --> 00:14:46,954 than Erica has of dying in childbirth. 409 00:14:46,987 --> 00:14:48,321 Okay, see you at the bottom. 410 00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:54,261 It's breech? 411 00:14:54,294 --> 00:14:56,629 Hey, Erica. It's okay. 412 00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:58,565 We're just gonna take this one step at a time. 413 00:14:58,598 --> 00:15:00,900 First thing we need to do is turn the baby over. 414 00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:02,135 So, how do we do that, Gail? 415 00:15:02,169 --> 00:15:03,770 Okay, you each need to take a leg, 416 00:15:03,803 --> 00:15:05,672 and I'll tell you what to do after that. 417 00:15:09,642 --> 00:15:11,311 I'm scared. 418 00:15:11,344 --> 00:15:12,980 We're here, okay? 419 00:15:14,681 --> 00:15:16,283 (exhales slowly) 420 00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:17,750 (people laughing over stereo) 421 00:15:17,784 --> 00:15:21,154 CAROL: "Carol Andrew Pilbasian Miller has died. 422 00:15:21,188 --> 00:15:23,590 "She was remembered as a survivor of the virus, 423 00:15:23,623 --> 00:15:25,658 a master bedazzler..." 424 00:15:25,692 --> 00:15:27,494 What else? (Erica screams in distance) 425 00:15:27,527 --> 00:15:28,962 ERICA: God, make it stop! 426 00:15:30,697 --> 00:15:33,833 And a big fat coward. 427 00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:36,636 (laughter continues playing) 428 00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:39,506 (Tandy laughing, whooping) 429 00:15:39,539 --> 00:15:42,642 (laughs) 430 00:15:42,675 --> 00:15:44,644 (laughs) Let's do that again. 431 00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:48,181 Now, Jasper, I did a little thinkeroo on my slide, 432 00:15:48,215 --> 00:15:49,749 and I just want to boomerang 433 00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:52,285 back to the Erica of it all, if I may. 434 00:15:52,319 --> 00:15:55,188 Now, look, bud, 435 00:15:55,222 --> 00:15:56,689 she's not dying. 436 00:15:56,723 --> 00:15:59,192 See, babies are quite large, 437 00:15:59,226 --> 00:16:01,961 but the openings they come out of are quite small. 438 00:16:01,995 --> 00:16:03,663 It's a design flaw. 439 00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:06,366 Uh, so what you were hearing was just totally natural. 440 00:16:06,399 --> 00:16:09,036 Erica's baby had been sitting in her stomach 441 00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:10,203 for, like, nine months, 442 00:16:10,237 --> 00:16:12,839 you know, eating her poo and drinking her pee. 443 00:16:12,872 --> 00:16:15,842 And, like most nine-month-old fetuses, you know, 444 00:16:15,875 --> 00:16:17,277 they start looking for a lifestyle 445 00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:18,711 that was a little less gross. 446 00:16:18,745 --> 00:16:20,213 So, they decide, 447 00:16:20,247 --> 00:16:22,315 very obviously, to move to the outside world. 448 00:16:22,349 --> 00:16:24,184 And the screaming you were hearing from Erica 449 00:16:24,217 --> 00:16:26,219 was just, you know, the baby 450 00:16:26,253 --> 00:16:28,688 winding its way through her intestines. 451 00:16:28,721 --> 00:16:31,191 Okay. 452 00:16:31,224 --> 00:16:32,992 So, why'd you think she was dying? 453 00:16:33,026 --> 00:16:35,528 Because everyone I meet dies. 454 00:16:35,562 --> 00:16:37,564 Oh, that's not true. 455 00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:40,733 I mean, you know, I can see why you would think that. 456 00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:43,903 I used to think that, but it's not. 457 00:16:45,272 --> 00:16:47,574 Look, Todd, Gail, Carol, 458 00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:49,509 Erica, Melissa, you and me? 459 00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:51,478 We're made from something different. 460 00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:54,481 Something that keeps us going that other people didn't have. 461 00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:57,150 And it's gonna keep us going for a long, long time. 462 00:16:57,184 --> 00:16:58,585 So, don't you worry. 463 00:16:58,618 --> 00:17:01,054 None of us are dying any time soon. 464 00:17:01,088 --> 00:17:02,555 That's right. 465 00:17:02,589 --> 00:17:05,258 Everything is gonna be just... 466 00:17:10,963 --> 00:17:12,865 ...fine? 467 00:17:19,306 --> 00:17:20,507 Okay, Melissa, you just... 468 00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:21,741 you got to hold those legs. Okay. 469 00:17:21,774 --> 00:17:23,410 (straining): What's happening? 470 00:17:23,443 --> 00:17:26,613 It's okay, sweetie, but we just got a stubborn little baby here 471 00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:28,448 that doesn't want to get into place. 472 00:17:28,481 --> 00:17:30,183 You really got to hold both... 473 00:17:30,217 --> 00:17:31,184 It's hard for me to try... 474 00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:32,719 I can't do both. Todd, can you grab 475 00:17:32,752 --> 00:17:34,954 the other leg? I'm on belly here. I can't, all right? 476 00:17:34,987 --> 00:17:36,589 Okay, well, where the hell is Carol? 477 00:17:36,623 --> 00:17:38,958 We really could use another set of hands here. 478 00:17:38,991 --> 00:17:40,793 She's too busy pussing out. 479 00:17:40,827 --> 00:17:44,964 Or is she too busy pussing in? 480 00:17:46,333 --> 00:17:48,468 Give me a leg. 481 00:17:49,602 --> 00:17:50,803 Thank you, Carol. 482 00:17:50,837 --> 00:17:51,804 Yeah. 483 00:17:51,838 --> 00:17:54,141 Todd, I need you to apply just firm pressure 484 00:17:54,174 --> 00:17:55,742 right here. TODD: Okay. 485 00:17:55,775 --> 00:17:57,477 And we're-we're just gonna flip this little sucker, okay? 486 00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:58,478 Okay, you got it. 487 00:17:58,511 --> 00:18:00,447 Just coax and cajole. 488 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:01,914 Coax and cajole. 489 00:18:01,948 --> 00:18:02,915 Coax and cajole. 490 00:18:02,949 --> 00:18:05,084 Ah, I got this. GAIL: Mm-hmm. 491 00:18:05,118 --> 00:18:06,219 Hey, little stinker. 492 00:18:06,253 --> 00:18:08,321 I got a present for you out here, 493 00:18:08,355 --> 00:18:10,290 but it's only for born people. 494 00:18:10,323 --> 00:18:11,591 Huh? 495 00:18:11,624 --> 00:18:13,426 It's kind of a Born Ultimatum. 496 00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:14,927 (chuckles): That's kind of fun. 497 00:18:14,961 --> 00:18:16,329 Is it gonna bug you guys 498 00:18:16,363 --> 00:18:18,431 if I do some off-kilter commentary? 499 00:18:18,465 --> 00:18:20,133 You just do you, Carol. 500 00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:21,634 But just remember to hold that leg. 501 00:18:21,668 --> 00:18:23,336 Okay, come on, Todd. 502 00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:25,272 TODD: Yeah. Firm pressure, 503 00:18:25,305 --> 00:18:26,273 right there. Copy that. 504 00:18:26,306 --> 00:18:27,507 Yeah. What if instead of 505 00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:29,176 physical pressure, Todd did verbal pressure? 506 00:18:29,209 --> 00:18:31,010 Like, "Hey, 20 seconds on the clock!" 507 00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:32,779 And then Todd was all like... (laughs) 508 00:18:32,812 --> 00:18:34,281 Are you guys still enjoying this? 509 00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:35,348 GAIL: Okay. 510 00:18:35,382 --> 00:18:37,350 Oh, my God, we did it. What? 511 00:18:37,384 --> 00:18:38,951 GAIL: The baby's head's in place! 512 00:18:38,985 --> 00:18:40,520 Yes! Yeah, yes! Yes! 513 00:18:40,553 --> 00:18:41,688 TODD: Yes! GAIL: Oh, my God. 514 00:18:41,721 --> 00:18:43,523 Oh... (whimpers) 515 00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:44,657 Okay, Erica... 516 00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,127 ...it's go time. 517 00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:49,996 (laughs shakily) 518 00:18:50,029 --> 00:18:52,031 * 519 00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:10,149 (fire crackling) 520 00:19:14,086 --> 00:19:15,688 What is this place? 521 00:19:18,891 --> 00:19:20,393 (straining) GAIL: Okay, Erica. 522 00:19:20,427 --> 00:19:22,895 You are so close. Okay, on this next push, 523 00:19:22,929 --> 00:19:24,231 give it everything you got. 524 00:19:24,264 --> 00:19:26,733 (straining): Okay. Okay, here it comes, here it comes. 525 00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:28,835 (screaming) 526 00:19:28,868 --> 00:19:30,237 You're doing so good, Erica. 527 00:19:30,270 --> 00:19:32,038 (straining) 528 00:19:32,071 --> 00:19:33,340 TODD: Oh, my God, 529 00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:34,574 I can see the head. 530 00:19:34,607 --> 00:19:36,243 (sobbing): It's got hair. 531 00:19:36,276 --> 00:19:38,578 I don't why that's getting to me, but it is. 532 00:19:38,611 --> 00:19:39,912 (sobbing): Oh... 533 00:19:39,946 --> 00:19:41,681 She comes. 534 00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:42,849 (baby crying) It's a girl! 535 00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:43,850 Oh! 536 00:19:43,883 --> 00:19:45,184 Yes! 537 00:19:45,218 --> 00:19:46,819 I got it, I got it, I got it! 538 00:19:46,853 --> 00:19:48,020 (laughter, excited chatter) 539 00:19:48,054 --> 00:19:49,222 A girl. 540 00:19:49,256 --> 00:19:50,557 (sobbing) 541 00:19:50,590 --> 00:19:51,858 You did it, Erica. 542 00:19:53,293 --> 00:19:54,761 (sobbing): It's just too much! 543 00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:56,062 (baby fussing) 544 00:19:56,095 --> 00:19:57,430 She is so beautiful. 545 00:19:57,464 --> 00:20:00,032 Oh... 546 00:20:00,066 --> 00:20:01,634 (sobbing softly) 547 00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:07,874 (baby cooing) 548 00:20:09,909 --> 00:20:11,711 What are you gonna call her? 549 00:20:11,744 --> 00:20:14,281 And keep in mind, you promised not to use the name Bezequeel. 550 00:20:14,314 --> 00:20:15,548 (sniffles) 551 00:20:15,582 --> 00:20:18,685 I was thinking... Dawn. 552 00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:20,687 Because it's the dawn of a new day. 553 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,389 (cooing) 554 00:20:22,422 --> 00:20:25,758 (sobbing): It really is. 555 00:20:25,792 --> 00:20:26,926 (laughing) 556 00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:30,630 (laughter) 557 00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:34,901 (fire crackling in distance) 558 00:20:50,016 --> 00:20:52,952 Oh, farts. 559 00:21:23,015 --> 00:21:24,451 CHILDREN: Uncle Stinky. 560 00:21:24,484 --> 00:21:25,985 (horn honking) 561 00:21:26,018 --> 00:21:27,987 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH